Season 3 - Due South

Burning Down the House 

[Canadian wilderness] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Go! 
Man: What is wrong with you? Why don't you just leave this thing alone? 
Fraser: It's not in my nature. 
Man: Get your feet off the bottom. 
Fraser: I don't think you want me to do that. 
Man: Pick your feet up! 
Fraser: As you wish. . . Ready? 
Man: What?. . . Oh, no. . . No, no, no! 
Fraser: Maybe the next time you'll think twice. 
[battalion commander's office] 
Commander: Let me just go over the details and see if I have them in order here. . . You were in pursuit of this individual for over six and a half days over roughly, oh, seventeen hundred kilometers of deep wilderness, in pursuit of an individual you suspected was guilty of . . . ? 
Fraser: Littering, sir. 
Commander: Ah. I was hoping I had read that incorrectly because, you see, in the course of the pursuit of this litterbug you effectively destroyed 3 river boats, 2 light aircraft, 4 ATV and 1 pontoon. 
Fraser: The pontoon was purely accidental, sir. 
Commander: As they so often are, aren't they? Tell me, Constable, was there something in the nature of this man's litter that would justify the destruction of over $733,000 worth of private property? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. Volume. 
Commander: Volume? 
Fraser: And content. 
Commander: What kind of volume and content are we talking about? 
Fraser: Well, at first it seemed to be domestic - a village dumping ground. But there was a telltale odor, sir, one I'm sure that you would recognize. Something like chicken parts. 
Commander: Farts? 
Fraser: Parts. Closer inspection revealed it to be the banned chemical known as DES, or. . . They were bringing the drums in on cruise ships through the deep port at Skagway and then hauling them over the White Pass with the intent. . . The local inhabitants, in an expression of their deep appreciation of the RCMP, recommended that you, sir, be bestowed with the title of Honorary Tribal Elder. 
[knock] 
Constable: Constable Fraser, there's a call for you from Chicago. 
[telephone pole] 
Fraser: Hello, Ray? 
Vecchio: Hey, Benny, how's the vacation going? 
Fraser: It's everything a Mountie could ask for, Ray. Lots of fresh air, plenty of exercise. How are things in Chicago? 
Vecchio: Well, you know, Benny. Chicago's Chicago. Listen, I'm just calling to let you know that I may not be there at the train to pick you up. 
Fraser: Well that's no hardship, Ray. I have legs. I can walk. 
Vecchio: I know you have legs, Benny. That's not the point. I'm just calling to let you know that you may be on your own for a while. 
Fraser: Is something wrong? 
Vecchio: No. Why would anything be wrong? I'm just calling to let you know that I'd like to be there to pick you up but if I can't be there, it's not because I didn't want to be. It's because something came up. 
Fraser: You're sure everything's all right? 
Vecchio: Look, Benny, I don't know if they have a similar thing up there in Canada, but down here in America we have this thing called friendship. And this is something that a friend would do. Like, for example, if one friend calls another friend and he's supposed to meet him at a certain time and a certain place and he can't be there, he usually calls him to let him know. 
Fraser: So everything is all right then. 
Vecchio: Yeah, Benny. Everything is all right. 
Fraser: Well, that's good to hear, Ray. 
Vecchio: It's good to hear your voice. . . Listen, uh, I want you to have a safe trip, and I will be in touch. 
Fraser: All right, Ray. 
Vecchio: You understand that, uh, I will be in touch. 
Fraser: As a friend? 
Vecchio: Yeah, Benny. As a friend. 
[street near Fraser's apartment building] 
Dief:  Whine 
Fraser: Oh, for God's sake, I think I provided ample explanation. Ray was otherwise engaged and taxi policy precludes the transportation of wolves. Come on. Aside from which, we're almost home. At the end of the alley, turn right, cross the street, climb the stairs, and we'll be as snug as bugs. . . in a fire. 
Fraser Senior: It's not an easy thing to lose a home. 
Fraser: No. 
Fraser Senior: Your mother and I had a cabin north of Clyde River. Burned right to the ground. A kerosene error. My fault. Your mother and I slept in an igloo for 4 months while I rebuilt it. The longest time we spent together. 
Fraser: I didn't know that. 
Fraser Senior: Well you weren't born yet, son. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Fraser Senior: In fact, all that time spent in that igloo sort of started the ball rolling, conceptionally speaking. . . But I wouldn't let this get to you. Something good might come of it. It did for me. 
Fraser: You know, Dad, all the years you were alive, and now since you've been dead, you've never talked like this. You never told me. 
Fraser Senior: I didn't tell you about Dirt McGirt? Oh, yeah, I chased that rat for years. He walked right up to the igloo. Didn't think there was a Mountie inside. Easiest arrest I ever made. . . Buck up. 
[station corridor - squad room] 
Dief: Whine. 
Fraser: Dief, shhh. We'll surprise him. . . Ray! 
Huey: What's the matter, Pops? Something died in your throat? 
Old man: Not yet. 
Fraser: Detective Huey, have you seen Detective Vecchio? 
Huey: You mean Ray? 
Fraser: Yes, Ray Vecchio the detective. 
Huey: No. In the lunch room maybe? 
Fraser: Ah. Thank you kindly. Before I forget, I brought you a little something from the Territories. Genuine beluga whalebone. 
Huey: What is it? 
Old man: It's a sextant. 
Huey: What's a sextant? 
Fraser: Well, it's a very handy little device. Let's say, for instance, you were tracking a suspect. You can use this to triangulate your location. 
Old man: Sure, if you find yourself in a vast open territory with no distinguishing landmarks. 
Huey: I can see how this can come in handy in Chicago, Fraser. 
Fraser: I'm glad you like it. 
[lunch room] 
Fraser: Elaine! 
Elaine: Fraser, how was your vacation? 
Fraser: Oh, very relaxing. You haven't seen Detective Vecchio, have you? 
Elaine: Ray Vecchio? 
Fraser: Yes. The detective. 
Elaine: Ah, no, no. I haven't. He's probably at his desk. 
Fraser: Ah, well, allow me to give you this small gift from the Northwest Territories. 
Elaine: Oh, gee, uh, I don't know what to say. 
Fraser: No need to say anything. Just enjoy it. 
[corridor] 
Fraser: Ah, lieutenant. 
Welsh: Constable. You've returned. Upon reflection, I imagine that pleases me. 
Fraser: Well I hope so, sir. You haven't by any chance seen Detective Vecchio, have you? 
Welsh: Umm, listen, we got to talk - 
Officer: Lieutenant, we've got a dust up in Interview 3, and there's a guy from the IRS that says he has to talk with you. 
Welsh: IRS? All right, listen, Fraser, there's a couple of things I got to do, but we have to talk. 
[squad room] 
Fraser: Ah! Ray! 
Ray: Fraser! Buddy! You have a good time up there in the Northwest Areas? 
Fraser: Territories, you mean? 
Ray: Wilderness, huh? Exactly. Me, personally, I leave the city I come down with a skin condition. Janey, you given any thought to Friday night? It would be a great first date. Crystal ballroom, the band, martinis, me. . . 
Janey: My dog has a foot fungus and needs some attention. 
Ray: Right. Is there a karmic chi love thing happening there or what? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. There seems to be some sort of misunderstanding. I'm looking for Ray Vecchio. 
Ray: Uh-huh? 
Fraser: Raymond Vecchio. The detective. 
Ray: You talked to Welsh, right? 
Fraser: Yes, I did. 
Ray: Good, so we're on the right track. I'm glad you're back, Fraser, 'cause things have not been the same around here. 
Fraser: Obviously. 
Ray: And you want to know why? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact, yes, I do. 
Ray: Take a look back through history and what do you see? 
Fraser: Any particular period of history? 
Ray: Nah, the whole shebang. 
Huey: Fraser, you found him. Good. 
Ray: What do you see, over and over, is this. Duets. Okay? 
Jimmy: Hey, Ray, what's up? 
Ray: Jimmy, you owe me a fin from last week! - Think about it. Lenon and McCartney, Leopold and Loeb, The Three Stooges. Strictly speaking, they were a trio, but in my opinion they should have dropped Larry right from the start because you could see the guy he just was not committed to it. Anyway, I think you know what I'm talking about. 
Fraser: No, I'm sorry, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about. 
Ray: Partners, Fraser. Partners. . . Elaine, you got that stuff on the Docklands? 
Fraser: Who are you? 
Ray: Quit kidding around, Fraser. You know who I am. 
Fraser: I assure you I am not kidding around. 
Elaine: Here you go, Ray. Files 1 through 7, and the background on the Johnson case. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I rarely forget a face and I am very confident that you and I have never met. Now, my name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that, well, they don't need exploring at this juncture, I have remained attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate, and over the course of my time here I have formed what you would call a duet with the person that I am currently looking for, one Raymond Vecchio, detective first grade, Chicago Police Department. 
Ray: Raymond Vecchio, detective first grade, Chicago Police Department. Everyone here knows who I am, Fraser, how about you? 
[phone rings] 
Ray: Ray Vecchio. . . Yeah, like something off a Christmas tree?. . . [to Fraser] For you. 
Voice: Listen, what a shame about your apartment building. Homeless, huh? What an ugly word. Well, you can always move in with your friend Vecchio. 
Fraser: I'm not at all convinced that he is my friend, actually. 
Voice: Oh, well, great. Then you probably won't sweat the fact that his electric blanket's getting the family home all nice and toasty. 
Fraser [to Ray]: I have no idea who you are, but if you insist on maintaining the charade of being Ray Vecchio, it may be of interest for you to know that I have reason to believe your house is about to burn down. 
[outside] 
Ray: We'll take my car! 
Fraser: Oh, please, don't tell me that your car is a 1971 green Buick Riviera. 
Ray: Yep. 
Fraser: Why not?. . . [to Dief] Let's just play along. 
[Riv] 
Fraser: I believe that was a stop sign. 
Ray: My house could be burning down, and you're worried about a stop sign? 
Fraser: There is no reason to compound the tragedy. 
Ray: God! Stop it! 
Fraser: Stop what? 
Ray: What he's doing to me, the things he's doing to me! 
Fraser: It could be a sign of affection. . . 
Ray: Or what? 
Fraser: Or a prelude to lunch. 
Ray: He's doing disgusting things to my ear! Get him off me! 
Fraser: He doesn't always listen to me. As you know, he's deaf. 
Ray: I'll crash the car! 
Fraser: He does read lips, so enunciate clearly. 
Ray: Get off me exclamation mark! 
Fraser: You missed our turn. 
Ray: I did not miss our turn. 
Fraser: Yes, I believe you did. You see, ordinarily you would turn at Montclair, cut across the alley, cross Harlem, and then turn right on Octavia. 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, ordinarily I would do that but ordinarily I do not have a deaf wolf trying to make intimate with me, Fraser. Besides, I'm trying to shake things up a little bit. Routine is the silent killer. 
Fraser: I thought that was high blood pressure. 
Ray: Nah, they changed that. 
Fraser: When? 
Ray: You were on vacation. . . Oh my God. . . [into radio] This is Unit 1-1-7. We got a Code 13 at 2926 North Octavia Avenue. 
Fraser: Right. You take the back, I'll take the front. 
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a fire. We wait for the fire department. 
Fraser: Lives are at stake. 
Ray: Look, pal, I don't risk my neck for anybody. 
Fraser: Ray Vecchio would. 
[bathroom] 
Tony: We're going to die in here! 
Frannie: No we're not. Take this and cover your face. 
Fraser: Come with me. . . This way. . . Stand aside. 
Frannie: Oh, Fraser, Fraser, forget it. 
Fraser: Trust me. 
Frannie: You, I trust. It's the landing that I'm not so sure of. Fraser!. . . Oh!. . . Watch where you're putting your hands, mister. 
Tony: you know I'm carrying a little extra weight. 
Fraser: Really? I'll push. 
Tony: Whoa! 
Frannie: Oh! 
Fraser: Oooh. 
Frannie: Get off me, you baboon! 
Fraser Senior: It's hot. Is this my final posting? 
Fraser: I wasn't aware you could feel heat. 
Fraser Senior: I'm dead, I'm not insensitive. What are you going to do about the Yank? 
Fraser: Well, would do you propose I do? 
Fraser Senior: Collect forensic evidence to determine if he is who he claims to be. 
Fraser: Of course he's not who he claims to be. 
Fraser Senior: Well, there are those who would contradict you. You might be delusional. 
Fraser: You know, you might be delusional. 
Fraser Senior: Oh, that's another story. 
Fraser: Well there you are. 
[outside] 
Fireman: You there in the building. . . is there anyone else inside? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Fireman: Alive? 
Fraser: They are. I'm bringing them out now. 
Ray: I don't believe this. 
Fraser: I know. It is remarkable, although carassius auratus can withstand fluctuations in temperature far greater than generally known. 
Ray: You went into a burning building for fish? 
Fraser: No, not exclusively. Dief, keep an eye on them. 
Ray: That man just went into a burning building for fish. 
Fireman: Well, sure. He took that extra step for red bubble-eye goldfish. . . Kramer! Take the back! 
Frannie: I'm shaking like a leaf. My heart's going 100 miles an hour. Fraser, feel my heart. Tell me it's not going 100 miles an hour. 
Ray: Frannie, your heart's fine. 
Fraser: Excuse me. Francesca, do you know this man? 
Frannie: Yeah, of course I do. . . [to Ray] Doesn't he know? 
Ray: He thinks he's a comedian. Hardy ha-ha-ha. So did you hear or see anything? 
Frannie: Uh, okay, I had Linda Ronstadt on the tape deck, and I was in the middle of a facial peel, so no, and our brother-in-law here was in the middle of his usual. 
Tony: My teeth. I had the water going. I was working on my molars, right? Next thing I know, I got a mouth full of smoke. 
Ray: Okay, but did you hear or see anything? 
Fraser: We've already answered that. 
Frannie: I said no. 
Ray: Hey! What are you doing? I don't know where you come from, but I come from this little place called America where we got this big thing called electricity. Word of advice - your tongue, electricity - not a good mix. 
Fraser: Huh. 
Ray: Okay? Come on, let's rock and roll. 
Frannie: Hey, Fraser, you know - 
Fireman: Excuse me, folks. 
Frannie: I mean, I know what you know, you know, and what everybody else knows, and all of that is known. Do you know what I'm saying? 
Fraser: I have no idea what you're saying. 
[honk] 
Ray: Come on, Fraser! 
Fraser: Excuse me. . . Dief, let's. . . 
Dief: Whine 
Ray: Before I die of waiting? 
Fraser: Come on. 
[Riv] 
Ray: You can burn down my place of employment, you can burn down my bowling alley, you can burn down my dance hall, sure, but my place of residence? I don't think so. 
Fraser: Hold still. 
Ray: What are you doing? 
Fraser: It's not important. What is important is that we try to determine who might have had a motive for these fires. 
Ray: You always think the obvious? 
Fraser: I never thought about it. Although, you know, my Uncle Tiberius had a life-long fascination with cabbage and its northern possibilities. He once was - 
Ray: Forget I asked. 
Fraser Senior: Don't bring up Tiberius. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Fraser Senior: But that was good, though, measuring the Yank's. . . 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: What for? 
Fraser: For driving the car. 
Ray: You're thanking me for driving the car? 
Fraser Senior: Of course, one Yank is pretty much like another, anyway. 
Fraser: People are not interchangeable, like snowmobile parts. 
Ray: There you go with the obvious again. 
Fraser: You're right about that. What I think we should do is go back through our past histories, realizing of course that's not something you are equipped to do - 
Ray: What do you mean, I'm not equipped to do? I can do that. What about the Bolt brothers? 
Fraser: The Bolt brothers were not arsonists. They were demented terrorists whose MO involved impromptu thermonuclear devices. 
Ray: Right, right, I'm thinking, uh - 
Fraser: Other demented terrorists whose MO included impromptu thermonuclear devices? 
Ray: No, wise guy. 
Fraser Senior: He's confused. 
Ray: Geiger. 
Fraser: Geiger was an escaped convict sworn to vengeance on a legendary Mountie who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Canadian actor and comedian, Leslie Nielsen. 
Fraser Senior: Who has yet to receive the Order of Canada. 
Fraser: Long overdue. 
Ray: Morgan. 
Fraser: Bank robbery. 
Ray: Herb Colling. 
Fraser: Aging vigilante. 
Ray: Bodine. 
Fraser: Gun smuggler. Although it is interesting his partner wore a very heavy perfume, the base property I believe to be a combination of camphor and rose. 
Ray: What's the connection? 
Fraser: Dief, let's go. The connection? 
Ray: Yeah, connection. 
Fraser: To Bodine, none, other than the perfume. However, I did detect the odor of ambergris, a base common to many perfumes, in the electrical socket outside the Vecchio house, and the same odor was present in the rubble of my apartment building. 
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're telling me your apartment building was burned down as well? 
Fraser: Yes. In all the excitement, I neglected to mention it. 
Ray: Neglected to mention it!
Fraser: Well, the point is the same odor was present, and I retrieved this from the rubble. 
Ray: Oh, great. So all we got to do is go around Chicago sticking our noses in people's pits to find somebody with the same smell. 
Fraser: Well that's one approach, I suppose. 
Ray: Elaine, did you give any thought to Friday? It would be a great first date, crystal ballroom, the band, martinis, moi. 
Elaine: No. 
Ray: Wait a minute. The perfume is the starter, the trigger - what the hell is the name of that stuff that gets the fire going? 
Fraser: The accelerant. 
Ray: The accelerant. Don't say anything. . . Two and a half years ago we nailed a painter named Zoltan Motherwell. At face value, it looked like he was torching his lofts to cash in on the insurance money, right? 
Fraser: Yes, but the trail widened and it revealed itself to be a pattern. 
Ray: Right. He was burning down his studios, workshops - the guy was on a psycho mission against art. 
Fraser: Yes, and in each case the accelerant was. . . ? 
Ray: Perfume. 
Fraser: Give me five, Detective. 
Ray: Fraser, you got ink all over my fingers. 
Fraser: Terribly sorry. 
Ray: What was that all about? 
Fraser: Ah, it's just a little thing we do. 
Ray: A little thing we do, huh? 
Fraser: Yeah, one of our little things. 
Ray: We have a lot of fun, don't we, you and I? 
Fraser: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. 
Fraser Senior: Very smooth, son. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: Don't thank me yet. Zoltan Motherwell is in the Evanston Institution for the Criminally Insane. 
Fraser: A dead-end. 
Ray: Maybe. Maybe not. I got a hunch. 
Fraser: You have hunches? 
Ray: Well, that's pretty much all I ever have. You know that, Fraser. 
Fraser Senior: What about his teeth? 
Fraser: Oh, I'm working on that. 
Ray: Let's go. . . You're working on what? 
Fraser: What? 
[Evanston Institution] 
Ray: Okay, this is how we're going to play this mook. You do the legwork, I'll hang in the background. 
Fraser: You prefer not to be seen. 
Ray: I'll be seen when I need to be seen. 
Fraser: I see. 
Ray: I see, what does that mean? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: So, when somebody says, 'I see,' it means something. . . What? 
Fraser: It only takes an extra second to be courteous. . . After you. 
Ray: After you. 
Fraser: Ah, thank you kindly. 
Ray: You're welcome. 
[Institute corridor] 
Ray: What do you mean? 
Fraser: Well, what I mean is that civility is a quality often overlooked - 
Ray: No, not that. When you said, 'I see.' What did you mean by that? 
Fraser: Well, Ray Vecchio arrested Zoltan Motherwell. Now, if you are Ray Vecchio, he'll recognize you. If you are not, he won't. 
Ray: You know something? You're a Doubting Thomas. . . [to guard] You got those files I ordered? 
Guard: Yeah, here you go. 
Ray: You see? We're like a one-two punch. A duet. You set 'em up, I knock 'em down. You set 'em up, I knock 'em down. 
[room] 
Motherwell: I have no regrets, Constable. I now live a life of simplicity and purpose. I couldn't live like this before when I was a slave. Do you understand me? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid I don't. You were a slave to. . . ? 
Motherwell: Everything. To everything. Canvas, paint, dealers, galleries, fashion, falsehood. A slave, until. . . Come here. . . Closer. . . Closer. 
Fraser: I think this is close enough. 
Motherwell: Until I realized it could be reduced to ashes. Wiped clean. 
Fraser: Ah. I understand. 
Ray: You understand. I don't believe this. 
Motherwell: Who is he? 
Fraser: This is a detective, apparently. My problem, Mr. Motherwell, is that it would appear that someone is continuing your efforts on a far more personal level. My apartment building has been burned down, leaving all of its tenants homeless. 
Motherwell: Oh, that's tragic. But that's the nature of artistic movements. I was merely the first great performance arsonist. Of course there'll be followers, imitators, possibly a school - 
Ray: All right, okay, I've had enough of this. You see, my friend here, he's Canadian. He's polite. He'll let you ramble on about his namby-pamby art crap. But me? I don't know what art is. But I know what I like, and you, dirtball, I don't like. 
Motherwell: Who are you? 
Ray: Hey, shut your trap! You look into my eyes! You look deep into my eyes! What do you see? You see the guy? Do you see the guy? The guy that put you in here?! Right?! Right?! Right?! Right?! Good!. . . Let's talk about his copycat torch that's walking the streets that's got your signature, which means you know the torch. 
Motherwell: How could I possibly have anything to do with this, Detective? I'm incarcerated. 
Ray: Okay, I got a phone log here. Three phone calls made by you. Two by payphone. One to 555-0188. That's a district of the Chicago Police Department. My district, my department, my phone. In fact, I picked up the phone, concerning my house. 
Motherwell: Possibly. 
Ray: Possibly. Visitors Log. One visitor, marked 'girlfriend' with no name. Now you cough up a name or it is all aboard for fun time, and I will kick your head all over this room! 
Motherwell: I think I need to see my attorney. 
Ray: Sure, you'll get to see your attorney, right after I break your jaw! 
Motherwell: Is he going to hit me? 
Fraser: I think it's probably just a posture. 
Ray: No, I'm going to break your jaw. But first, let's talk about your girlfriend. 
Motherwell: I have nothing to say. 
Ray: Gentlemen! Five! 
Motherwell: It's ridiculous! 
Ray: Four. 
Motherwell: He's going to hit me! 
Ray: Three. 
Fraser: I'm sure it's a posture. 
Ray: Two. 
Fraser: I could be wrong. 
Ray: One. 
Motherwell: No, wait, wait, wait. All right. What do you want to know? 
Ray: How about a name? 
Motherwell: Greta Garbo. 
Ray: A real name! 
Motherwell: Greta Garbo! It's a real name. She has a thing, an obsession, with privacy. She changed it legally. 
Ray: Whereabouts? 
Motherwell: The last time I talked with her, she lived on Shuter Street, 271. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Motherwell: Glad to help. 
Fraser: That was just a posture, wasn't it? 
Ray: Yeah, sure. . . What's a posture? 
[Garbo's apartment] 
Landlord: Here you go. 
[Dief whine] 
Fraser: Ray, I found her supply. 
Ray: We might be too late. I think she is planning to switch countries. 'How to Become a Canadian in Ten Easy Steps.' 
Fraser: The Consulate. 
Ray: Step 1: Get a big hat. Step 2: Lick electrical sockets. Step 3. . . 
[Riv] 
Fraser [on phone]: Constable Turnbull. . . 
Turnbull: Why, that's correct, sir. I am a constable. And you've reached the Canadian Consulate. My name is Turnbull. . . 
Fraser [to Ray]: Where are you going? 
Ray: The Consulate. 
Fraser: The old Consulate? 
Ray: There's a new Consulate? 
Turnbull: . . . attached to the Consulate as an assistant liaison officer. . . 
Fraser: As of this week. It's something Ray Vecchio would know. 
Ray: I knew that. 
Fraser [to Turnbull]: Yes, I know who you are, Constable. . . [to Ray] It's right. 
Turnbull: If you know who I am, Mr. Wright, I fail to see why you're asking me who I am. I would have thought you - 
Fraser: Just put Inspector Thatcher on the line. 
Turnbull: I'm sorry, but. . . 
[Fraser's reception breaks up] 
Fraser: Turnbull? Turnbull?. . . [ends call] That man is. . . We'd better hurry. 
Turnbull: Hello? 
[Consulate] 
Turnbull: Ah, Constable Fraser, you have impeccable timing. 
Fraser [to Dief]: Go! 
Turnbull: I would appreciate your opinion. Do you think Her Majesty would be happy here? 
Fraser: Very happy, yes. Turnbull, have there been any visitors in the office today? Any couriers, any deliveries? 
Turnbull: It's been very quiet today, sir, with the exception of the builders and movers and a peculiar conversation with a man named Wright. 
Fraser: That was me, Turnbull. 
Turnbull: Ahh. Deliberately misidentifying yourself. Very cunning, sir. 
Ray: Is this guy for real? 
Fraser: Very much so, yes. 
Turnbull: I wouldn't go in there, sir. The Inspector is in a high-level meeting with a man from Scandinavia. 
Fraser: Would you mind telling me what brand of perfume you're wearing, sir? 
Sven: Will he bite? 
Fraser: Only if provoked. 
Thatcher: Fraser, what are you doing? 
Fraser: You perfume, if you wouldn't mind? 
Thatcher [to Ray]: Who are you? 
Sven: My perfume? 
Ray [to Thatcher]: Ray. Vecchio. 
Fraser: If you would be so kind. 
Thatcher: Oh. Of course you are, Detective. 
Sven: Eau de Pomme. 
Fraser: Ah. Dief. I'm so terribly sorry, sir. There's been a horrifying mistake. 
Thatcher: That would be one way of putting it, Fraser. Let me introduce you to Sven, my interior designer. Sven, this is Constable Fraser, with whom I would like to have a word in private. So if you and Detective Vecchio wouldn't mind. . .? 
Fraser: I imagine, sir, that you would like something resembling an explanation. 
Thatcher: That would be a good idea, Fraser, because at this particular moment, I can assume only one of two things. Either you are mentally unhinged or you object on principal to interior designers. 
Fraser: No, sir, I only objected to his smell. 
Thatcher: Sven's smell? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. Sven's smell. You see, the base property of his cologne is identical to the base property of a perfume that was used as an accelerant in two fires, one at my apartment building and one at the Vecchio house, and I had reason to believe that the Consulate was the arsonist's next target. 
Thatcher: Arsonist? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. It would appear that I am being stalked by a performance arsonist. 
Thatcher: Okay. That would qualify as an explanation. 
[lobby] 
Turnbull: Oh, sure, people snigger. What use is the monarchy, they say. And right then and there I know they've never experienced the horse guard on parade. 
Ray: Here they come. 
Turnbull: Who? 
Ray: The fire department. 
Turnbull: Fire! 
Ray [to Fraser]: The torch! She's here! 
Fraser: May I, uh. . .? 
Thatcher: Yes. 
Fraser: Thank you. . . Do you mind if I. . .? 
Thatcher: Good luck. 
Fraser: May I just say, sir, and I'm by no means an expert, but that muted green with the flecks of gold - I think it would be a wonderful complement to the woodwork, the walls, and your eyes. 
[Riv] 
Ray: I don't believe this. She's followed us every step of the way. Up the street from my house, at the mental institution, and now here. 
Fraser: Sandwich? 
Ray: We're chasing a torch and you're thinking about food? 
Fraser: Well, we have to keep our strength up. Here, bite down. . . Oh! Wrong sandwich. 
Ray: What was that? 
Fraser: Window putty. 
Ray: What else you got? You got any pastrami?
Fraser: No, I'm sorry. She's headed for the freeway. 
Ray: Look, I'm not blind. I can see. Okay, so now we are following you. You been watching your handiwork but now we are behind you. You got any roast beef? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid not, and you know I really don't want to be a party-pooper, but if she's been following us to witness her handiwork, she can in theory still do that. 
Ray: How? We are following her in a car. 
Fraser: Well, exactly. All she has to do is look in her rearview mirror and watch us burst into flames. 
Ray: Burst into flames. . . 
Fraser: Stay with the van. Don't lose her. 
Ray: What do you mean, don't lose her? We can go up at any time. . . Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? 
Fraser: I'm trying to locate the igniter. 
Ray: Well how about we stop the car and locate the igniter? 
Fraser: She is a criminal. Stay the course. 
Ray: Look, you know something, you're a freak. But in spite of that, I'm going to tell you something. This may not be the best time but I'd like to say it before we go up in smoke. I feel a little pink about it 'cause I realize no one talked to you. Number one, I'm not the guy that you think. Number two, the guy you think I am. . . [horns honk]. . . Number three, you know, this was not my ambition to be, you know, driving in a molotov cocktail with a Mountie on the roof and a deaf wolf staring at me like I was an appetizer. It just was not part of a normal desire. Not for me, anyway. I had other things in mind - Fraser! Fra-! They said he was agile - he's not agile. He fell off the car. . . Hey! Hey, are you with me? 
Fraser: You bet. 
Ray: Okay. Good. Well, the upshot is I go in and they say, hey, you want a job and I go. . . I was weak, I was down. I say, well I'll think about it. And I'm thinking about it. Hey, my life's not great at the moment. I think maybe I can use a change, a change of scene, a change of luck, go undercover, get a new life. Then they say, do you want to work with this guy - 
Fraser: She's taking the exit! 
Ray: Okay, simple problem. . . That's about it. I mean, I could say more, but that is how I got here. So what do you think? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: Nothing? I spill my guts and 'nothing'? 
Fraser: What are you talking about? 
Ray: What I was just saying, you didn't hear any of it? 
Fraser: Well, no, with the wind and speed, I'm sorry. Also, I was unable to locate the - What is she doing? 
Ray: She's slowing down. 
[honk] 
Fraser: No! 
Ray: Okay, I guess we located the igniter. 
Fraser: It would appear so. 
Ray: Okay, this is where I get out. 
Fraser: You cannot do that. 
Ray: Yes we can, Fraser. Our work is done here. 
Fraser: Stay in the car. 
Ray: Look - Fraser, what are you doing? Do not touch my inner thigh or calf! 
Fraser: Get your foot off the brake. 
Ray: I'm trying to stop! 
Fraser: You cannot stop the car. 
Ray: Not with you holding onto my leg, I can't. 
Fraser: Wait. It is too dangerous. This is a public thoroughfare. Pedestrians may be afoot. 
Ray: Look, I do not risk my neck for anybody. . . Look, the car's going to blow. 
Fraser: It is not. It is very, very, very rare that a car ever actually explodes. . . Mental note: Equip your vehicle with a fire extinguisher. 
Ray: I am all over that. 
Fraser: We've got to find a safe place to deposit this car. 
Ray: A parking lot? 
Fraser: No, it's too crowded. 
Ray: How about a park? 
Fraser: There might be children present, family pets. . . Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 
Ray: What?! 
Fraser: Stop light. 
Ray: You have got to be kidding me. 
Fraser: No. I'm afraid not. This is serious business. Traffic fatalities account for the loss of 41,786 American lives every year. 
Ray: Ahhh!. . . Got it. 
Fraser: Good thinking. 
Ray: What is this, some kind of superfire? 
Fraser: No, you shouldn't have pressed the hot wax option. 
Ray: Now what? 
Fraser: The lake they call Michigan. 
Ray: Lake Michigan. 
Fraser: Yes, the lake they call Michigan. 
Ray: Lake Michigan. 
Fraser: All right. 
Ray: Straight in? 
Fraser: Straight in. 
Ray: Listen, in case something happens, I just want you to know, it's been a pleasure meeting you. 
Fraser: Ah, so you admit we've never met. 
Ray: I'm not admitting anything. 
Fraser Senior: Give him some ground, son. 
Fraser: Why? 
Ray: 'Cause there's nothing to admit. 
Fraser Senior: He's not bad for a Yank. 
Fraser: Are you sure? 
Ray: Yeah, I'm sure. 
Fraser Senior: We're getting closer. 
Fraser: I can see that. 
Fraser Senior: I'll say goodbye now. 
Fraser: I'll speak to you later. 
Ray: You bet you will, and I mean it. It's been weird, but it's been a pleasure. 
Fraser: Likewise. Let's lock our load. 
Ray: It's lock and load. 
Fraser: Lock and load. I'm sorry. 
[dock] 
Fraser: Ray? 
Garbo: He's a fine painter. 
Fraser: Lower the gun, Miss Garbo. 
Garbo: A great artist. 
Ray: Like the man said, put the gun down. 
Garbo: And I'm carrying on his work. 
Ray: I said, put the gun down. 
[bang] 
Fraser: Ray. Ray! Ray! 
Ray: Ta-dah! 
Fraser: A vest. 
Ray: You called me Ray. 
Fraser: No I didn't. 
Ray: Yeah you did. 
Fraser: No I didn't. 
Ray: Yeah you did. 
Fraser: It was a mistake. Come on. 
Ray: You know I'm Ray. Don't fight it, Benton buddy. 
Fraser: You are not Ray. You don't even look like him. 
Ray: I could have had plastic surgery. 
Fraser: You could also be unhinged. 
Ray: I got papers to prove it. I'll show you. 
Fraser: I don't want to see them. 
Ray: I'm Ray. 
Fraser: If you're Ray, where were you born? 
Ray: Ah, that smarts when you get shot. 
Fraser: Ah. You see? See? 
[Welsh's office] 
Fraser: Lieutenant, if I could have just one moment of your time, I promise I'll be out of your hair before you can say Jimmy Crack Corn. 
Welsh: Rudolph, would you please. . .? 
Fraser: Sir, I will confess at first I was a little worried that maybe I had a hole in my bag of marbles, so I did an impromptu investigation. I would like to present in evidence. . . These are the registered fingerprints and these are the fingerprints of the man in question. They do not match. This is an official dental record, and this is a cast I made of the suspect's teeth. And they do not match. The shoe size is also inconsistent, and finally, as you can see, the suspect's nose is fully 7 millimeters smaller than Ray Vecchio's. In conclusion, this man is not Raymond Vecchio. 
Welsh: Constable, you have an uncanny power of observation. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Welsh: Of course he's not Ray Vecchio. I've been trying to get to you to talk to you about this. There's an operation going on. This operation comes from way up the ladder. Details are kinda sketchy, but all we need to know is Ray Vecchio has gone deep under cover with the mob. Now, to protect his identity, we have to make believe that this guy is Ray Vecchio. 
Fraser: I see. . . Lieutenant, have you by any chance heard from Ray? 
Welsh: Oh, no, no, and I don't expect to, either. 
Fraser: I understand. 
Welsh: Listen, Constable, I want you to give this guy a fair shot. He's a real good cop. And on your way out, sent in my accountant. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Welsh: Thank you. 
[squad room] 
Ray: This turned up on my desk. It's for you. . . What do you make of it? 
Fraser: It's a message. 
Ray: Something I should worry about? 
Fraser: No, no. No, everything's all right. Everything is actually fine. 
Ray: Okay. Well. . . 
Fraser: Hey, Ray. . . Would you like to go and get something to eat with me? 
Ray: Yeah. . . I just got to, uh, I'll put away these files and meet you at the car. 
Fraser: All right. Good. 
Fraser Senior: Would you like my opinion? 
Fraser: Do I have any choice? 
Fraser Senior: He's a good man. 
Fraser: I think you're right. 
Fraser Senior: We have to find somewhere to live. 
Fraser: What do you mean 'we'? 
Fraser Senior: That's a cruel joke, son. I've been thinking about an office. I think I need an office. 
Fraser: What the hell would you do with an office? 
Fraser Senior: Office work, memoirs, catch up on my taxes. . . 
Fraser: Taxes! You've been dead for two years. 
Fraser Senior: Oh, they find you, son. They find you. . . 

End of Burning Down the House
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Eclipse 

[27th district] 
[Hallett and Brandau walk Siracusa in] 
Hallett: Hallett. Internal Affairs. Open the cage. 
[Welsh, in his office doorway, nods permission to Huey] 
Huey: This is the guy. 
Hallett: Yeah, doesn't look like much, does he? Gonna cost ya all your jobs. 
Brandau: All right, people, find a spot, stand in it, and listen up. My name is Brandau, State's Attorney's office. This is Detective Hallett, Internal Affairs. I'm sure you all recognise these as court documents. They are the product of two months' background investigation, and they authorise me to conduct a probe into allegations of corruption concerning this district. We will be at this for as long as it takes, so go about your business. But if we call, you drop everything and come running. Bear in mind, no-one is outside our interest and no-one is above suspicion. Any questions? No? Good. 
[Welsh finishes drinking his coffee and walks past him] 
Brandau: You still a lieutenant, Harding? 
Welsh: You still a jerk? 
Brandau: What a funny guy. But I think you'd be even funnier sitting in the State Penitentiary. So where is he? 
Welsh: He's a cop. He's out working, he's not wasting people's time like you. 
Brandau: He's not going to show up? 
Welsh: Oh, don't worry, he'll show. 
Brandau: Oh, I- I'm not worried, Lieutenant. But if I were you I'd be worried. 'Cause it could be one hell of a dark day, and not just on account of the eclipse. If Vecchio doesn't show up by the end of his shift... you're in for a rocky ride. 
[Ray's apartment. In the kitchen, making coffee and adds some smartie candies to it and eats the rest of em] 
Radio: And coming up later today, a solar eclipse. And remember, kids, it's perfectly safe to look at the sun. No matter what anyone else has told you, the sun's rays are completely harmless. No, no. [laughs] Just kidding! Keep your head, keep your eyes closed. Now let's have a listen to Crowbar with "Blast from the Past". 
[Ray counts out six smarties into his chocolate, then eats the rest.] 
[phone rings; answerphone gets it as Ray stirs his chocolate with the handle of a wooden spoon] 
Welsh: This is Welsh. We need you in here, Detective, now. 
[Ray hits phone with wooden spoon] 
[in another room; Ray spins gun, looks sexy] 
[phone rings] 
Welsh: I don't see you in here, Vecchio. You'd better be on your way. 
[Ray packs bag with radio, tape deck, canteen, torch, listening equipment, other stuff; adds binoculars and a bottle of scotch at bench] 
[phone rings] 
Welsh: Vechhio, where the hell are you? That is of course I'm assuming you still want to work at this station. We got urgent matters here need your attention, Detective. Serious stuff. Get your butt in here now. 
Ray: [slings bag on shoulder] Not today, Welsh. [leaves apartment as camera zooms in on a red-circled notice in the newspaper] 
[27th district] 
Welsh: This whole thing began with this con that they have in the holding cell called Siracusa. Apparently he had a sit down with one of the reps from the State's Attorney, tried to cut himself a deal for an early release. He said that our whole station was bent, taking in drugs with the arrest, skimming off the top. How'd he come across this information, they ask? He said he used to be a stoolie for one of the dirty cops, a detective. Which detective, they ask? 
[He points the finger at Ray Vecchio.] 
Fraser: [carrying a cabbage in one hand and a trout in a bag in the other] 
Ray Vecchio is not corrupt, sir. 
Welsh: Oh yeah. You know that and I know that, but between them all, IAD doesn't have a half a brain. In here, please. 
[Maintenance closet] 
Welsh: Now on top of that, Brandau and I have this thing. [turns on light] We been going at each other on and off for about twenty years. Now any excuse he gets he's gonna jump on, and he'll start digging. Now I know this station is clean, but there're always loose ends. If Vecchio doesn't show, this district will have its collective ass in the slink. 
Fraser: So you need Ray Vecchio. 
Welsh: By end of shift. Five o'clock. 
Fraser: Which one, sir? 
Welsh: Which one what? 
Fraser: Which Ray Vecchio? The detective formerly known as Ray Vecchio, or the current detective known as the former Ray Vecchio? 
[door opens and a cop steps in] 
Welsh: What? 
Cop: I'm looking for toilet paper. 
Welsh: [hands him newspaper] Here. Scram. 
[cop leaves] 
Welsh: I can't go in there and tell them that Ray Vecchio is undercover on another operation, and that this guy at the desk is not the real Ray Vecchio. If I do, these morons will have it on the six o'clock news, and the real Ray Vecchio will end up the dead body leading off at eleven. See? The only way to handle this is we gotta bluff it out. You look for the new guy, and I'll stall. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Welsh: All right. 
[they leave; Fraser turns off the light] 
Elaine: Hi, Fraser! What's with the cabbage? 
Fraser: Party supplies. 
Elaine: For the eclipse? 
Fraser: Ah, no, actually. It's Detective Vecchio's birthday. 
Welsh: Fraser, it's not the new guy's birthday. 
Fraser: Well, yes, but the former Ray Vecchio always had a party. If we wish to maintain his cover it follows that the current Ray Vecchio should have a party as well. 
Elaine: And we use the fish for...? 
Fraser: For the games. Bobbing for trout. You see, I- I've organised a traditional Yukon celebration in his honour. 
Welsh: Couldn't we just bob for apples? 
Fraser: They're not very plentiful in the Yukon. 
Welsh: It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. [leaves] 
Elaine: Is that a traditional Inuit game? 
Fraser: No, the locals favour something called "Twister". 
Elaine: I'll... take the fish. 
Fraser: Ah. Thank you kindly. [she walks off, leaving him with the cabbage] Oh, uh... Well. 
[cemetery] 
Ray: Morning. I'd like to get into that crypt. 
Caretaker: [on motorised cart] Can't be done. 
Ray: Why not? 
Caretaker: For one thing, you're still breathing. 
Ray: Ten bucks. 
Caretaker: Do I look like a man who will take a bribe of money? 
Ray: [sits beside him on cart] Ile of Moll, sixteen-year-old single malt scotch. 
Caretaker: I'll get the key. 
[Ray's apartment building] 
Landlady: He okay in houses? [meaning Diefenbaker] 
Fraser: Scrupulous. 
Landlady: Good. [to cleaner] Well, don't just move the dirt around! [to Fraser] Very mysterious man, this friend of yours. 
Fraser: In what sense, ma'am? 
Landlady: He clomps. 
Fraser: Clomps? 
Landlady: In rhythm. [lets them into apartment number 309] Well, most tenants I get to know. But him? Very secretive. And I wouldn't know about the clomping except that I live right below him. You know I'll be fixing my hair or something and I'll hear this, uh... Well, it's not really like clomping actually, it's more like he's shuffling or something. 
[She's now sitting in a chair; Fraser's looking at a black and white photo of a man and woman] 
Diefenbaker: [yips -- he's turned over a rug to show footsteps painted on the floor] 
Fraser: Dancing, possibly? 
Landlady. There y'are, yeah. Huh. And he's real light on his feet. I can get hypnotised and just sit there for an hour easy. 
[crypt] 
[Ray's whistling "Blast from the Past" as he sets up equipment; mice are squeaking; he glances around a bit then goes over to a grate and looks out of it with his binoculars at a newly-dug grave] 
[Ray's apartment] 
[Fraser's looking at the newspaper: "Chicago Guardian, Monday..." and "ELLERY" visible] 
Landlady: So what's your story? You work in a circus? 
Fraser: Uh, no, ma'am, Royal Canadian Mounted police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture I've remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate. 
Landlady: [after long pause] Don't take anything 
Fraser: Understood. 
[crypt] 
[caretaker pops up head as Ray looks out of grate] 
Ray: Aargh! Jesus, you scared me to death. 
Caretaker: This thing doesn't work. 
Ray: What do you mean it doesn't work? It's just a bottle, it doesn't work or not work. 
Caretaker: If nothing comes out of it, what is it? 
Ray: It's empty. 
Caretaker: But it isn't empty, so it must be broken. 
Ray: If it was broken it'd be empty. 
Caretaker: Exactly. So it's not working. 
Ray: [takes out pocketknife and smashes top off bottle] There. Now it's broken and it's working. 
Caretaker: Good man. 
[Welsh's office] 
Brandau: That's nice. That's so nice. It's so nice to see the IRS taking an interest in you the same time we are. 
Welsh: Yes. Nice to see you guys take the word of a career scumball over mine. 
Hallett: Mister Siracusa has nothing to gain by his allegations. Why would he make them up? 
Welsh: Come on, Hallett! Think I don't know he's up for release? Think I don't know Brandau here's been waiting to nail me for most of his adult life? Look, you guys knock yourselves out, I got a station to run. 
[Welsh leaves office and walks into a melee of cops and waiters] 
Welsh: Hey-hey-hey! Anybody wants to get their head cracked, keep talking. [to Huey] Who're the penguins? 
Huey: The graduating class of the Grenville School of Deportment and Domestic Service. Apparently they were setting a table when a rumble broke out over the correct placement of a spoon. 
Welsh: Book 'em. [to Elaine] Fraser check in yet? 
Elaine: No. 
Welsh: Right, give Ray another shot. 
Hallet: [from office doorway] Bez... Bess.... Besbriss! 
Elaine: One month before I get to become a real cop and this happens. 
Welsh: Be straight. You have nothing to hide. 
[crypt] 
[mice squeak again; Ray looks around, his gun at the ready] 
Ray: Don't move. [pulls gun on Fraser] 
Fraser: Hi, Ray. [Ray lowers gun] So we're on a stakeout. That's good. Who's the target? 
Ray: None of your business. 
Fraser: Ah. Secrecy. That's very wise. You know, it reminds me of a time I spent near Skull Rapids. I was holed up in the carcass of a caribou for almost seventy-two hours, and you know, to this day I have no idea who we were actually waiting for. But I can tell you that after seventy-two hours, the smell of a caribou carcass... is almost hallucinogenic. 
Ray: Are you unhinged? 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of. 
Ray: Hey, how did you find me? 
Fraser: Well, you'd circled an obituary notice in a newspaper that was lying on a counter in your apartment. 
Ray: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You broke into my apartment? 
Fraser: Well, no. That would be illegal. Your landlady simply let me in. She's very fond of you, by the way. 
Ray: You invade my castle, you track me down, you almost get your head shot off. You wanna tell me why? 
Fraser: Well, two reasons. First, I bought you a present. 
Ray: For what? 
Fraser: For your birthday. 
Ray: It's not my birthday. 
Fraser: Yes, it is. 
Ray: No, it's not. 
Fraser: Well, I think you're wrong about that. You see, Ray Vecchio was born-- 
Ray: Hey-hey, let's just drop that, okay, Fraser? You and I both know I'm not Ray Vecchio. 
Fraser: You're not? 
Ray: No. 
Fraser: You're sure about that? 
Ray: I don't even look like him. 
Fraser: Well, you could have had plastic surgery. 
Ray: You are unhinged. 
Fraser: You think? 
Ray: Yes, I think. Look, I'm not Ray. I mean, I am Ray, but I'm not Ray Vecchio. I'm... Kowalski. Stanley Raymond Kowalski. 
Fraser: Your name is Stanley Kowalski? 
Ray: Look, my Dad had a thing for Brando. Me, it was always Steve McQueen. So I go by Ray. 
Fraser: Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ray Kowalski. [they shake hands] 
[27th district] 
Huey: Come on. 
Waiter: Yes, sir. 
Huey: Get your butts over here. 
Waiter: Sir. 
Huey: Enough with the good manners. 
Waiter: As you wish, sir. 
Huey: I said, enough. 
Waiters: Yes, sir. 
[Welsh's office] 
Hallett: Is this your phone log? 
Elaine: Yeah. 
Hallett: Why all the calls to Vecchio? 
Elaine: Maintaining contact with the detectives is part of what I do. 
Brandau: Not after you've clocked out, it isn't. You got a dozen calls 
there after your shift. 
Elaine: It's not a nine to five job. 
Hallett: What does "China white" mean to you? 
Elaine: Nothing. 
Brandau: Try again! 
Elaine: Dishes. 
Hallett: Drop the attitude, Besbriss. 
Brandau: You know it's heroin. You were in on it, weren't you? 
Elaine: I don't know what you guys are talking about. 
Hallett: Missing drugs. 
Brandau: Besbriss. You wanna be a cop? Give me Vecchio and give me Welsh. Most importantly Welsh. Then you just might get to be a cop. Otherwise, who knows what might happen? 
[crypt] 
Fraser: People are counting on you, Ray. They could lose their jobs. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, let's get this thing straight. You want me to sit in front of a bunch of guys who are going to grill me about corruption that never happened, but if it did happen it happened to another guy, but I'd have to answer for it anyway? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray: Forget it. 
Fraser: If you don't, Ray, you will lose your shield. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I've humped this job for a long time. Bad hours, bad food and bad guys. And for what? 
Fraser: For the pride and honour of knowing that we make it possible for good people to tuck their kids in at night, turn out the lights and know they'll be safe. 
Ray: You gotta be kidding me. 
Fraser: No, I'm not. 
Ray: You believe all that? 
Fraser: Yes, I do. 
Ray: You never doubt it? 
Fraser: Never. 
Ray: You're a lucky guy, Fraser. Me, I never wanted to be a cop in the first place. I always wanted to be something else. 
Fraser: Why didn't you become something else? 
Ray: That is the reason I'm here today. 
Fraser: Do you mind if I ask you what that reason is? 
Ray: [looking out window] Do you mind if I ask you what your wolf is doing? 
[Diefenbaker is carrying flowers over to the grave of a dog] 
Fraser: I've no idea. Although in his youth, Diefenbaker did display a keen interest in horticulture. 
Ray: You know, Fraser, when they offered me this assignment, they made it sound kind of normal. They say, "Hey, Ray, here's a chance to start over. Ditch the past." "What's the catch?" I say. "Oh, your partner's Canadian." Canadian? I got nothing against Canadians, except for the time when they won the World Series. 
Fraser: Two times. 
Ray: Which I'm willing to overlook. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: But at no time did they say, "Oh, by the way, you'll be working with a Mountie who's got a wolf that's a florist." [notices something out window and hands his glasses to Fraser] Hold these, will you? Oh, that's good. 
Fraser: Is this the target of the stakeout? 
Ray: Nah, just something's queer. Let's check it out. 
[at dog's grave, Dief's barking] 
[two men at hearse. The credits give them names but I don't know which is which, so I'm randomly calling the younger one "Bert" and the older one "Rico"] 
Bert: [checking bag of money] It's all there? 
Rico: Uh huh. 
Ray: [fake sobbing] Mom. Mom. 
Bert: What? 
Ray: That's my mom in there. 
Bert: No, it's not. 
Ray: Yeah, it is. [hugs Bert] 
Bert: No, it's not. You're confused with, uh... 
Rico: Grief. 
Bert: Yeah, see, that ain't your mother, that's, uh, Mister... 
Rico: Smith. 
Bert: Smith. 
Rico: John Smith. 
Ray: No, that's my Mom. Mom, I'm so sorry. Just wanted to see your face one last time. [opens coffin] 
Bert: Hey, you can't do that! 
Ray: Mom, how you've changed. Into Cuban cigars. 
Bert: [pulls gun on him] That's it. That's enough. Out of the car. Easy. That's it. That's it. Easy. Easy. 
Fraser: Gentlemen. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Ray: Pull out your gun. 
Fraser: I don't have a gun. 
Rico: You don't got no gun? 
Fraser: No, but if you'd be so kind as to step to one side, the detective will read you your Miranda rights. I assume that weaponry you're holding is illegal. 
Bert: Does a bear shop in the forest? 
Fraser: In my experience bears don't shop. 
Bert: Hey, wise guy, step out of the way. 
Diefenbaker: [woofs -- running towards them] 
Fraser: Run. 
[they run]
Ray: You don't have a gun? 
Fraser: Well, obviously you weren't fully briefed. [gunfire] I'm not licensed to carry a firearm. 
Ray: And you didn't bother telling me before? 
Fraser: Well, it didn't seem germane at the time. 
[they shelter behind a gravestone] 
Ray: What the hell kinda word is that? 
Fraser: I'll be right back. [leaving hat behind, somersaults out from behind gravestone, grabs something from the ground, and dashes back] 
Fraser: It's your birthday present. I dropped it. 
Ray: Are you a freak? [stands, shoots 3 times and hits a tree] 
Fraser: It's a dreamcatcher. I made it myself. You see, you hang it in your window, it catches all your bad dreams, you sleep well at night. 
[Ray shoots 4 times and hits a statue madonna] 
Fraser: These are eagle feathers. 
Ray: Fraser, when they shoot us I'll be glad I knew that. Come on, let's go. 
Fraser: [as they're running under fire] You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to acquire an eagle feather. First of all you have to apply to the National Eagle Repository in Commerce City, Colorado. 
[Ray shoots once more, and then again. This makes nine.] 
Fraser: And then, you just have to hope that someone finds a dead eagle in the woods... and that they have the presence of mind to put it on ice and then courier it to Commerce City. 
Ray: Really? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Ray: Go. 
Fraser: Go. And then basically you just wait, and you hope that no shaman or tribal elder needs an eagle feather in some sort of sacred ritual, which of course would take precedence over your relatively minor desire to use the feather in a gift for your partner. 
Ray: How many rounds have I fired? 
Fraser: By my count seven. 
Ray: Duck. 
[shelter behind another gravestone] 
Ray: We're sunk. I left all my clips in the crypt. Only got two rounds left. 
Fraser: You know I don't mean to be critical, but you might want to consider some remedial practice on the target range. Your aim is appalling. 
Ray: Hey, I'm a good shot. 
Fraser: By what criteria? You fired seven rounds, you haven't been within fifty metres of your target. 
Ray: I'm a good shot, I just need my glasses. I also left them in the tomb. 
Fraser: No, you didn't. I have them right here. [hands him glasses] 
Ray: Why didn't you tell me you had them? 
Fraser: Well, I didn't realise you were blind. 
Ray: I'm not blind, I just don't see all that good. 
Fraser: Alright we've got a bit of time, so just to finish this off: if you happen to pass all of these hurdles, you might be one of the few, the lucky few, as I was, to have this precious symbol of freedom delivered right to this door. 
Ray: What are you talking about? 
Fraser: The eagle feather. 
[gunfire] 
Ray: You are a freak. [stands and shoots guns out of bad guys' hands with his tenth and eleventh shots] Down! Down! Hands. 
Fraser: That's good work, Ray. Now we'll have to return to the station for processing. 
Ray: You have the right to remain silent. 
Fraser: Ray, we have to return to the station for processing. 
Ray: I am not doing that, Fraser. Anything you say may be held against you. 
Fraser: Ray, standard operating procedure, field manual chapter seven. 
Ray: You have the right to an attorney. 
Fraser: The arresting officer-- 
Ray: If you cannot afford an attorney, the court will assign one to you. 
Fraser: --shall transfer the suspect to the nearest station house for processing-- 
Ray: Do you understand these rights? 
Fraser: --with dispatch. 
Ray: Do you understand these rights? 
Fraser: With dispatch. 
Ray: You like procedure so much, you take 'em in. 
Fraser: I'm not the arresting officer. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, get something through your head. Keep a shield, lose a shield, I don't really care. I am not leaving this graveyard until I finish what I came here to do, take down a bent nail named Marcus Ellery. Until I do that I'm not leaving. Period. Dot it, file it, stick it in a box marked done.  Okay? [turns to bad guys] Come on, get up! 
[Welsh's office] 
Hallet: Tell us about Alcorn Street. 
Huey: That was a stand-up bust. 
Hallett: Oh yeah! 
Huey: Yeah. Took down a couple of real dirtbags, Ray risked his life to save a child. Yeah, it was a great day for cops. 
Brandau: No kidding, you scored a big bag of China White. 
Huey: What are you talking 'scored'? We seized a shipment of heroin. 
Brandau: You seized ten kilos of heroin, by the time it was signed at evidence control there was only one. 
Huey: That's crap. 
Hallett: Hey, we'll tell you when we're done. 
Huey: I don't have to take this. 
Hallett: Sit down. 
Brandau: Look, you got a fine record, Detective. Could be you were just taking orders. Right? You give me Welsh, you give me Welsh and then maybe I can help you out. 
[crypt] 
Ray: In the seventies Ellery went on a tear, string of armed robberies from Illinois to Texas. Take anything with cash, jewelry, armoured trucks, banks. He did one bank right in my neighbourhood. Ten years ago he's convicted of a heist outside El Paso. On route to the State Pen, he escaped. After that, went off the grid. It's his mother they're burying today. 
Fraser: You think he'll attend. 
Bert: It's his mother, he'll show. 
Ray: Who asked you? 
Rico: Don't get so miffed, he's just trying to help. 
Ray: I don't need your help. 
Bert: Fine. But I detect a hole in your plan. 
Ray: Yeah? 
Bert: Yeah. Assuming Ellery shows, which I agree he will, what you going to do? Statute of limitations has runned out on the guy. 
Fraser: You know, he's right. 
Ray: Whose side are you on? 
Fraser: I didn't realise there were sides. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, there's always sides. There's bad guys and there's everybody else. Marcus Ellery, bad guy. 
Bert: That may be, but you have no grounds to arrest him. 
Ray: Look, this is not official business, so shut up! It's personal. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, Francis Bacon once wrote that revenge is a wild kind of justice, which the more man's nature runs to, the more ought law to weed it out. 
Ray: Did Francis Bacon ever meet up with Marcus Ellery? 
Fraser: It's unlikely; Bacon died in 1626. 
Ray: Well, there you go. If he had he would have whistled a different tune 
Rico: A wild kinda justice. Yeah, I like that. 
[Welsh's office] 
Huey: How many times have I got to tell you? We only seized one kilo. 
Hallett: Not according to the evidence log. What's this? 
Huey: It's my name. 
Hallett: Yeah, and this? 
Huey: My signature. 
Hallett: Thank you, Detective. Detective. 
Huey: It was one. Ray will back me up. 
Brandau: Well, he's not even bothered to show up, has he? He's left you to take the fall. Huh? What does that tell you? 
Hallett: Think about it. 
[crypt] 
Rico: This guy Bacon. Does he got any books out? 
Fraser: Yes, actually. The Advancement of Learning, uh, Novum Organum, and an incomplete and very fascinating work called Instauratio Magna. 
Rico: I gotta check into that. 
Bert: What is wrong with you, man? 
Rico: Look, if we don't get off on a technicality, we're looking at fifteen to twenty-two years. I could put that time to good use. 
Ray: Shut up. 
[gunfire] 
Ray: Gun. 
Bert: (something derogatory that my entire family of seven couldn't understand) 
[outside] 
[Fraser jumps on shooter, who turns out to be an old lady] 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
Ray: Who the hell are you? 
Gladys: Gladys Carls. 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, we thought you were a desperate criminal. Did I hurt you? 
Gladys: No. It is a bit stiff, though. 
Fraser: What is, ma'am? 
Gladys: My leg. 
Fraser: Ah yes. Let me help you up. 
Gladys: Oh, thank you, my hat. There we are. Oh. I'm-- I'm just visiting my husband. 
Ray: What, you hate the guy so much you fire six shots into him even after he's dead? 
Gladys: Hate him? Good Lord, no, I loved him dearly. I'm just executing part of his will. 
Ray: What, he's like a masochist or something? 
Gladys: Oh, well, we tried that sometimes, but he hated pain. No. No he was acorophobic. 
Ray: Ah, he's afraid of acrobats. 
Fraser: No, no, insects. 
Gladys: Exactly. You see, Henry was of the belief that, uh, lead would discourage insects from feasting off him. So I uh shoot a little in now and then to keep them away. I don't know if it works but it makes me feel better. 
[Ray puts gun away] 
Fraser: I understand. 
Ray: You understand. 
Fraser: Ma'am, I'm afraid we'll have to check your firearms certificate. 
Gladys: Oh, by all means. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Ray: Freak. 
[27th district] 
Welsh: He's not here in an hour we're all going to be looking for new jobs on the back of matchbooks. 
[crypt] 
Ray: May I ask you something? Do you find me attractive? 
Bert: Oh, I wouldn't say attractive. 
Rico: No, cute maybe. 
Gladys: I'd say well-favoured. 
Ray: Did I ask you? 
Bert: Sorry, I thought you were asking all of us. 
Ray: Well, I wasn't, so zip. [to Fraser] Well? D'you find me attractive? 
Fraser: In what sense? 
Ray: In the sense of... you know, being a woman. 
Fraser: Do I think you're an attractive woman? 
Ray: No. No. I'm not the woman. You're the woman. 
Fraser: I'm the woman. 
Gladys: No, I'm the woman. 
Ray: But up. 
Bert: Well, she is. 
Ray: Well, I know she's a woman, I'm asking Fraser to pretend that he's a woman. Okay? 
Gladys: Oh. Can you do that, dear? 
Fraser: Well, I have done that, yes. 
Rico: So have I. It was rather fun. Heh heh. 
Ray: Look, you three zip, and you, you pretend you're a woman, okay? You find me attractive? 
Fraser: Very much so, yes. 
Ray: You're not just saying that? 
Fraser: Well, I'm not really qualified to judge, Ray. 
[Ray laughs] 
Gladys: And what's funny about that? He isn't. 
Ray: I just... Sounds like something my wife would say. 
Fraser: I didn't realise you were married. 
Ray: I was, not anymore. 
Rico: That is so sad. 
Ray: Well, yes, you know. Two careers, she worked at States Attorneys' office, it just didn't work out. 
Bert: You know the break up tone of voice. They say, "Hey, it's no big deal." Tone of voice you know. 
Rico: He would know, his wife left him. He was a broken window. Glass everywhere. 
Gladys: What about you, dear? Are you married? 
Fraser: No, ma'am, I'm not. But I am acquainted with loss, and on occasion loneliness. 
Gladys: Ah yes. Loneliness, hm? It may sound silly, but I wonder how the sun will feel today when it's blocked out by the moon. 
Fraser: Yes. It does seem sometimes that the border between life and death is very poorly guarded. 
Gladys: Hmm. 
Rico: Yeah, and if you're carrying the wrong passport, you end up in a little drawer in one of these places. 
Bert: What I'm thinking is, who the hell has all the passports? I mean, I wouldn't be here if I had all the passports, you know? 
Fraser: Or would you? That's the question, isn't it? 
Ray: Right. Right. Like you can't go forward until you go backward. Like I tried to run away from my past, but you can't do it, cause it's in your skin, it stays with you. You gotta retrace your steps to figure out how you got here. I took this bus, I drove this car, I got on this train, I walked down this street, I turned this corner, I opened this door, and I stepped into a bank. 
[bank] 
Ray: I was thirteen and she was a Gold Coast girl. Private school. She was untouchable, but I was working it. I was lying like a maniac. I was John Lennon, James Bond, Joe Namath, all rolled into one. 
[Young Ray and Stella at counter] 
Young Stella: [whispers to Ray] I think that man has a gun. 
Young Ray: Gun! 
Ellery: [very distorted, nightmarish voice] Down on the floor, now. Now! You, little girl, get over here. Get over here! [Stella goes] Kid. Fill that bag up with money. Get up, fill it up. Get up. Get up. Now. 
[Young Ray gets up] 
Ellery: Turn around! Turn around. [Young Ray turns, and Ellery laughs]  Look. The kid messed himself. 
[Stella struggles, breaks free and runs away] 
Young Ray: Stella! 
Ray: Stella. 
[crypt] 
Ray: Stella. 
Bert: So. Did you get the girl? 
Ray: Yeah. I got the girl. 
Gladys: Ahh. 
Ray: That was Stella, my wife. 
Rico: She married you even after... you know, what you done? 
Ray: Yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, I mean, my whole life, it all starts and ends with this one guy. I'm like one of those, um.... whatchamacallem? Uh, knights looking for the Holy Grill. 
Fraser: Grail. 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: Holy Grail. 
Ray: You sure? 
Fraser: I'm pretty sure it's not a diner. 
Ray: Grill, grail, whatever. I'm just trying to settle an old debt. 
[door opens] 
Caretaker: [staggering in] Okay. Number one. This is either empty, broken, or not working. And. Number two. They're here. [falls down] 
Gladys: Oh, Tom, dear! 
[Ray looks out of window and sees funeral procession arriving] 
Diefenbaker: [howls] 
Gladys: Is your wolf all right? 
Fraser: I think he's grieving. His breed is uncommonly sensitive. They feel sorrow profoundly. 
Ray: He didn't show up. 
Bert: What kind of guy doesn't show to his own mother's funeral? I mean, we're low-life, man, but that, that's a new standard. 
Caretaker: [on Gladys' lap, stirs and mumbles] 
Gladys: Hush, Tom, dear, shh, go back to sleep. Shh. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, I'm pretty sure he'll come. We have time. 
[27th district] 
Huey: Running out of time. 
Elaine: He's been in there for thirty-seven minutes. 
[in office] 
Hallett: This was on your watch, Lieutenant. 
Welsh: I stand by my detectives. 
Hallett: Ten kilos down to one, we're talking big-time felony charges. 
Welsh: I stand by my detectives. 
Brandau: You were a clown twenty years ago and you're still a clown, Welsh. You pushed me aside every chance you got and when that wasn't enough you put my brother in jail. My brother! I'm gonna tell you something. Nothing's going to give me more pleasure than taking you and this whole stinking district down. 
You got me? 
[graveyard] 
[Fraser seeing Gladys off in a taxi, and Bert and Rico off in a police car] 
[crypt] 
Ray: I lied, you know. 
Fraser: You did? 
Ray: Yeah. About Stella, to Stella. I was in the bank, she thought I humiliated myself on purpose, to stall for time so she could get away. I never told her any different. She thought I was a hero. I played along. Whole marriage based on a lie. I was a con job then and I'm a con job now. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, in my limited experience with the subject, I've found that very few lifelong bonds are formed based on whether one partner or the other urinated in their clothing. And I'm willing to gamble -- not with money mind you -- but I am willing to gamble that Stella looked beyond that one 
incident and saw the whole person. 
Ray: What do you mean? 
Fraser: In December 1988 a young boy was being held in a warehouse. You went in even though you knew your cover had been blown. You drew fire, you were wounded, yet you managed to rescue the boy. Your first citation. In December 1990, in a jewelry store you singlehandedly held off three gunmen, saving four innocent lives. Your second citation. In September1993 you faced down three escaped murderers and you brought them to justice. Your third citation. You're a good policeman, Ray. And I would be proud to call you my partner... and my friend. 
Ray: What was that last part? 
Fraser: Friend. 
Ray: Lend me some money? 
Fraser: Money and friends don't mix, Ray. Let's go to work. 
[outside] 
Diefenbaker: [greets them with a growl and a woof] 
Ray: How'd you know all that stuff about my background? 
Fraser: Well, I had your fingerprints, I went through your files. 
Ray: You're a real noseyparker, aren't you? 
Fraser: I think it's prudent to know the mettle of the man you work with. 
Ray: [laughs] Prudent. Is that like germane? 
Diefenbaker: [woofs] 
Ray: You think this thing would fly? 
Fraser: Well, it's not a frisbee, Ray, it's a dreamcatcher. It tangles up bad dreams. 
Ray: But do you think it'd fly? 
Fraser: There's only one way to find out. 
[Ray dumps bag and throws dreamcatcher like a frisbee. It flies. Quite a distance -- it ends up getting caught by Ellery at an open grave.] 
[After a bit of searching for the dreamcatcher, Ray sees Ellery; runs and jumps on top of him. Ellery's of a large build and it takes quite some time and grunting for this action to knock him down, into the grave] 
Ellery: Geez. Oof. Aw. Hey, man, whatever you want, my money, my wallet, it's yours. 
Ray: [pulls gun on him, after a bit of manoeuvring, cause they're squashed in there] You remember me? Oh yeah, you remember. Little kid in the bank.  1974. Oh yeah, you remember. Kid wet himself. Tell me you remember. 
Ellery: Hey, what the hell's happening? 
[bad eclipse graphics are happening] 
Ray: It's an eclipse. I don't believe this. You don't remember me. 
Ellery: Hey, kid. I've robbed a lot of banks, and I've spent a lot of time in jail. I don't have much of a memory about anything. 
Ray: I spent my entire life looking for you! Looking for some payback, some revenge, maybe even... kill you, and... now I get you face to face, and... I can't even see your face. 
Ellery: Hey, you do what you gotta do, man. I just came here to say goodbye to my mother. 
Ray: Ah. Mother. Huh. Okay. You can go now. 
Ellery: You're letting me go? 
Ray: Yeah. Thanks. 
Ellery: For what? 
Ray: For making me what I am. A cop. 
[more bad eclipse graphics -- the sun's starting to come out] 
Fraser: Ray? [bumps into gravestone] I'm terribly sorry. Pardon me. Ray? [bumps into another one] Argh. 
[sun comes out; Ray's lying alone in the grave] 
Ray: He overpowered me. Ran away. 
Fraser: Are you all right? 
Ray: I'm good. [throws dreamcatcher out] 
Fraser: Well, we really should, uh.... 
Ray: Face the music. 
[Fraser helps him out, and falls into the grave as Ray walks away] 
Fraser: Ray. Ray? 
Diefenbaker: Hrr. 
Fraser: Give me a paw, Dief. 
[27th district] 
Welsh: He's gonna show. He'll show. 
[Fraser and Ray march in, past many onlookers. Ray goes into Welsh's office, with a thumbed-nose-salute to Welsh] 
[Welsh's office] 
Hallett: Ten kilos! Street-grade heroin. Down to one kilo. Where'd it go? 
Ray: You tell me. 
Hallett: You a hard guy. Huh? Chicago hard guy. 
Ray: Your words. 
Hallett: You recognise this? 
Ray: Evidence log. 
Brandau: Is that your signature? 
Ray: Looks like it. 
Hallett: And is that a ten? 
Ray: No. 
Brandau: We're not playing games here, Vecchio. Unless ten years in the big house is your idea of fun! 
Ray: Are you guys really bozos or you just pretend to be bozos? 
Hallett: You wanna repeat that? 
Ray: It's not a ten! It's a one, with a happy face. You know, happy day, bad guys off the street. Here, let me show you. What's this number? 
Hallett: Three hundred and sixty. 
Ray: No, it's not, it's a thirty-six... with a happy face. See? See? Do it all the time. 
Brandau: You-you want us to check through all the records? 
Ray: Go ahead, knock yourselves out. Or, we can cut to the chase. This whole station is shivering on the word of some apple-polisher I've never even met. Come on, put me in a line-up. Siracusa can pick me out, I'm good to go, you book me a room in the big house. If he can't, you can pack up your little circus and go home. Deal? Deal? 
[line-up] 
Brandau: Give us Vecchio. 
Hallett: Come on, Siracusa. 
Siracusa: Number three. 
Welsh: Number three, please step forward. 
[It's not Vecchio. Or Kowalski, for that matter.] 
Welsh: Your brother was nothing but a criminal, and I stand by my detectives. 
[hallway of the district] 
[Welsh steps out, looks around, walks along past numerous onlookers. Then turns around and gives a thumbs-up. Everyone bursts into cheers and high fives, except for Fraser who's jubilant enough to permit himself a smile.] 
[27th district] 
[The waiters from earlier are serving; "Blast from the Past" is playing; everyone's wearing party hats; Ray has his at the nape of his neck] 
Ray: So this is a traditional Yukon celebration. 
Fraser: It's a fair approximation. Without the snow, of course. 
Elaine: [to Welsh] You all right? 
Welsh: Oh yeah. Yeah. [stares at trout in bowl] 
Elaine: Gentlemen. 
Ray: Huey, I don't think so. 
Huey: I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. [tries to kickbox cabbage] Aaargh! [falls on his back] 
Fraser: Party's going rather well, I think. 
Ray: Oh yeah? You know, Fraser. [appears to step on Huey, who groans] That was weird, seeing Ellery. 
Fraser: Yeah, I should imagine. 
Ray: I mean, that guy dogged me my entire life, and now it's like, uh, the sky opened up or something. I dunno. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, my father once told me that the sky isn't just above you, that if you look at the horizon you'll see that it actually touches the 
ground. So if you think about it, wherever you go you are actually walking in the sky. 
Ray: You're a freak. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Welsh is bobbing for trout as Elaine watches on] 
Welsh: [surfacing] Ooh. It's a lot harder than it looks. [plunges back in]

End of Eclipse
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I Coulda Been a Defendant
aka Brothers in Arms

[Walking down street. Fraser doing good deeds] 
Ray: Fraser. . . 
Driver: Thank you. 
Ray: Come on. You got to do that for everyone? 
[Fraser spoils shot of news reporter is filming report] 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
[More good deeds] 
[Woman standing in line at ATM admonishes older son, drops her bank card; man – Bruce - picks it up and gives it to her] 
Ray [mutters]: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. . . [shouts] Fraser! Come on! 
[Younger son starts to run across street] 
Mother: Billy! 
[Bruce pulls boy back just in time] 
Ray [to driver of car]: Chicago PD! Step out of the car. Step out! 
Fraser: Are you all right, son? 
Reporter: What happened? 
Mother: He saved my boy's life. 
Fraser: You, sir, are you all right? 
Bruce [notices he's stepped in gum]: Me? I- I- I'm okay. 
Ray: Anybody hurt? 
Fraser: No, Ray, everyone seems to be all right thanks to the quick thinking of, ah, 
Ray: Okay, where'd he go? 
Fraser: I have no idea. 
Reporter: Well we have to find him. 
Ray: Why? 
Reporter: Because the guy's a hero. 
Fraser: She has a point, Ray. Historically, communities created myths to act as a mirror to themselves, from Glooscap, great hunter of the Meegamaage, to George Steinbrenner, who I'm told is a symbol of a sensitive and caring New York. 
Reporter: Well, can you find him? 
[Fraser notices gum on sidewalk where Bruce was standing, picks it up, tastes it] 
Ray: Aww. . . 
Fraser: Possibly. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I don't have time for this. The day's gettin' away from me. What are you doing? 
Fraser: Just one second, Ray. 
Ray: One sec. . . what? 
Fraser: He came from this direction. . . [stops at ATM, picks up something from sidewalk, tastes it, then the gum again] 
Ray: Haven't you tasted enough garbage for one day? 
Reporter: Ugh. . . 
Fraser: There might be something here to identify. . . Ah, yes. One of these will be his ATM receipt. 
Reporter: How do you know that? 
Fraser: Well, from the gum. You see, he deposited this [hold up first wad] over there. I think he must have picked it up here when he was taking his money out. 
Reporter: Yeah, but how do you know which slip is his? 
Fraser: Well, there were 3 transactions at the time of the incident. One of these will be his. And the bank will have his name and his address. 
Ray: Look, they're not going to give it to us, not without a warrant. 
Reporter: They'll give it to me. I've got a camera. 
[Bruce's apartment; knock] 
Ray: Police, Mr. Talbot. Would you open up a minute?. . . You're not in any trouble. We just want to thank you for saving the kid. . . 
Bruce: Just a minute. . . [uses fire escape] 
Ray: You all right in there? 
[Dief draws Fraser's attention to window] 
Fraser: Ray. . . 
[Chase; Fraser lands in convertible] 
Fraser: Ma'am. 
Woman: Don't tell me you're Capricorn. 
Fraser: Sorry, ma'am, no. Canadian. 
Woman: Oh, that's great. I'm Albanian. 
Fraser: That's nice. I wonder if you could do me a favor by flattening that accelerator and getting us to the end of the alley as quickly as possible. 
Woman: Anything you want, good looking. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Bruce is hit by a car while running across street; lies stunned on sidewalk] 
Fraser: Are you all right, sir?. . . Are you all right? 
Ray: Just take it easy, take it easy [sees gun; pulls his own] Gun! Don't move! Spread 'em! Hands away from the body! 
Bruce: Don't. Don't. This is a mistake. 
Ray: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be. . . 
Fraser: Appointed to you. 
Ray: Appointed to you - for free. Hands away from the body! What are you, deaf? 
[Interrogation room] 
Bruce: This is a mistake. This is really a big mistake. This is just a mistake. 
Ray: Shut up. 
Bruce: But I didn't do anything. 
Ray: Oh, you didn't? Oh, well, then, we screwed up. You're free to go. 
Bruce: Really? 
Ray: Sit down! 
Bruce: But I didn't do anything. 
Ray: Oh, I'm sure you didn't. In fact, if you hump this job long enough, you discover very few criminals ever actually commit a crime. You know, just the other day I find this guy standing over a dead body, smokin' gun in his hand, marked bills in his pocket. Guess what? He didn't do it either! 
Bruce: What are you talking about? 
Ray: What you didn't do! Do you want to start with the gun or do you want to start with these? [pulls out stack of id's] 
Bruce: No, you don't understand. You really don't understand. 
Ray: No, I don't understand. So why don't you tell me why an honest guy like you is running around Chicago with more names than the phone book, carrying a loaded piece? 
Bruce: I have a permit for that gun. 
Ray: Under what name? Mr. Talbot. Mr. Hughes. Mr. Jackson. Dr. Walnut? 
Bruce: I can't be on television. Not on television. 
Ray: I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress. This is America, pal. Everybody wants to be on television. 
Bruce: But I can't be on television. Not on television. 
[Observation room; Dief whines] 
Fraser: I agree. 
[Interrogation room] 
Ray: I tell you what. I'm not going to waste any more of your valuable time. I'm going to take you right down to a nice little holding cell and you can spend the night there. We can do this all again tomorrow. . . 
[Fraser knocks on glass; Ray picks up phone] 
Ray: Fraser, can you not do that? It sort of gives it away. 
[Observation room] 
Fraser: Something's not right. 
Ray: Yeah, he's nuts. 
Fraser: No, he's frightened. 
Ray: Course, he's frightened. That's me. That's my thing. On the inside I'm a poet. Outside, ummm! Shake, bad guys, shake. 
Fraser: Hmm. . . Does he seem like a bad guy to you? 
Ray: He's polite. Big deal. I mean, Jack the Ripper was polite. 
Fraser: I'd like to talk to him. 
Ray: Torture. . . That's a good idea. I never thought of that. 
Fraser: That's - that's very funny, Ray. 
Ray: Polite cop, bad cop. . . It might work. . . 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh [on phone]: Yes, sir, yes, sir. . . [covers mouthpiece]. . . Three bags full, sir. . . [resumes conversation]. . . Oh, yes, sir, we'll cooperate fully. . . Well, sir, I wasn't aware they were in the building. . . Yes, sir, I'll take care of it. [ends call]. . . Vecchio! 
Elaine: Lieutenant, there's some guy from Justice on the line for you. 
Welsh: Park him. . . Vecchio! [finds him at water fountain]. . . Don't move. Don't move. 
[Outer office] 
Desk sergeant: No, no, no, no! I told you. I cannot give you any information about this - 
Welsh [to reporters]: Sit! 
Desk sergeant: No way! 
Welsh: Go on, sit down. . . Stay. . . [returns to Ray]. . . My office! 
[Interrogation room] 
Fraser: That's an interesting pattern. 
Bruce: It's a rhomboid. 
Fraser: So it is. 
Bruce: I like to make different size sides and then try and figure out how many I can get into a fixed space, something determinate with few variables. I like to do that. I like your dog. He seems like a nice dog. Is he a nice dog? 
Fraser: He's half wolf, actually. 
Bruce: Ah. A wolf. A wolf. Howling wolf. Are they good friends, howling wolves? 
Fraser: Loyal companions. . . You know, that was a very admirable thing you did today. Very courageous. 
Bruce: Stupid. Very stupid. 
Fraser: You saved a boy's life. Would you change that? 
Bruce: No. No. I like kids. Kids are great. I like kids. I don't like TV, TV guys. I can't be on TV. I don't. . . That's a concern. 
Fraser: The police are concerned about your forged documents and the weapon. You don't want to talk about that? 
Bruce: No, I don't. I don't. I really don't. 
Fraser: You mind if I try? 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Well let's see if I got this right. A guy saves a kid's life and to show our gratitude we go to his house, knock down his door, cuff him, drag him here, and grill the snot out of him. 
Ray: The guy had a gun. 
Welsh: Well, he had a gun. Here in Chicago a man had a gun. Oh, what is this world coming to? 
[knock] 
Elaine: That guy from Justice is on the line again. 
Welsh: I said, park him. . . Look, you arrested a good Samaritan in front of a camera crew. Now, when the media sees it, they get very excited. And when they get excited, Commander Murphy gets excited. When Murphy gets excited, I get piles. Now I want that guy and the media out of the building asap. Do we understand each other? 
Ray: We gotta ID him. 
Welsh: All right, if he's Jimmy Hoffa, keep him. Anybody else, set him free. 
[Interrogation room] 
Bruce: So it's not that complicated, you see. It's just a wave of possibilities that collapses to a probability, then you can say, I observe this. That which we call reality. Do you have a mother and a father? 
Fraser: No. They're both dead. 
Bruce: Like me. Dead. Both of them. Dead. Dead. Sister? 
Fraser: No. I was an only child. Although, you know, I had a best friend in the village where I grew up. 
Bruce: Best friend, huh? Was he like your brother? So he took care of you, looked after you, like he was your brother? Was he like your brother? 
Fraser: Yes, he was. 
Bruce: Name? 
Fraser: Innusiq. 
Bruce: Spell that. Spell that, please. 
Fraser: I-N-N-U-S - 
[knock on glass] 
Fraser: S-I-Q. I'll be right back. 
[Squad room] 
Ray: Why is Welsh giving me all this chin music about this guy? I don't get that. 
Elaine: Hi, guys. Are you coming tomorrow? 
Ray: Tomorrow, what? 
Fraser: Ray! Tomorrow Elaine graduates as a new police officer, and as veterans it is our responsibility to be there and offer her our support. 
Elaine: Oh, and here comes my new replacement now. 
Ray: I am going to pass a bullet through my brain. 
Francesca: Not that I object to that, but thanks for the vote of confidence there, bro. 
Elaine: She was the best candidate for the job, Ray. 
Ray: She's going to be in the same office as me every day? In the same office every day? 
Francesca: He's intimidated by my presence. 
Elaine: Hmm. Very intimidated. 
Ray: I'm intimidated? 
Fraser: It would appear you're intimidated. 
Ray: This is just not going to work out. 
Francesca: It's already worked out. [walks away with Elaine] Okay, so alphabetical order just means the alphabet. . . 
Ray: I'm doomed. 
Fraser: I don't understand this, Ray. I thought you liked Francesca. 
Ray: Are you from another planet, Fraser? 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of. 
Ray: Of course I like her. That's why I'm doomed. I got to work with her in the same office every day and pretend like she's my sister? 
Fraser: This makes no sense, Ray. All women are our sisters. 
Uniformed cop: Someone here to see you. . . 
Kevin: Hi. Kevin Spender, deputy director of Justice. I understand you've got a man in here they're calling the Samaritan? I'd like you to cut him loose. 
Ray: Look, just cause you're from Justice, Kevin, doesn't mean you can waltz in here and - 
Kevin: I know this is your jurisdiction. I'm not trying to step on any toes. But this man is a protected federal witness. Any public exposure could risk his life. I'd like to talk to him if I could. 
[Interrogation room] 
Ray: Dr. Walnut? Someone here to see you. 
Bruce: Oh, I knew you'd come. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. 
Kevin: What happened to you? 
Bruce: An accident. 
[Observation room] 
Fraser: They have a right to their privacy. 
[Interrogation room] 
Kevin: . . . you know that. 
Bruce: Yeah. I'm sorry. 
Kevin: Whose dog is that? 
Bruce: Oh, it's a friend. 
Kevin: I'm tired, Bruce. 
Bruce: Yeah, you're tired. But you work hard. You work hard. You work hard. I'm sorry. 
Kevin: Can you give the origami a rest? 
Bruce: It's not origami. It's combinatorix. 
Kevin: Okay. Combinatorix. 
[Squad room] 
Welsh: Deputy Director Spender? 
Kevin: Yes. 
Welsh: Harding Welsh, lieutenant Chicago PD. What have we got here? 
Kevin: A protected federal witness. You've got a camera crew back there. I'd appreciate it if you could get rid of them. 
Welsh: Oh, it would be my pleasure. Can I ask you why a deputy director from Justice is so interested in a stoolie? 
Kevin: Yeah, you can ask me. He's my brother. 
[Squad room; local news on TV shows Bruce's arrest] 
Elaine: Hey, hey, look, Fraser, Ray! You guys hit the big time! 
Francesca: Oh my God! 
[Kevin turns TV off] 
Kevin: For seven years he's been dead to the world, never had any problem. Five minutes after you guys get a hold of him, his face is on national TV. Why didn't you just stick a target right to his forehead? 
Ray: Two magic words. Witness protection. Why didn't he use them? 
Kevin: For security reasons I told him never to do that. 
Ray: You rank that up there with one of your good ideas? 
Welsh: You're a little out of line, Detective. 
Fraser: Sir, I wonder if I might ask a question? 
Kevin: Sure, if you can tell me how a Mountie fits into this. 
Fraser: My name is Constable Benton Fraser - 
Welsh: He originally came to Chicago on the trail of his father's killer - 
Ray: And for a whole bunch of reasons he decided to stick around - 
Fraser: Attached as liaison to the Canadian Consulate. 
Kevin: What I meant was, what possible interest would a Canadian have in this? 
Fraser: Nothing official, sir, beyond an ongoing interest in universal justice. No, what I was curious was what we might plan by way of protection - 
Kevin: Well, for starters, we aren't planning anything. It's my brother, my responsibility. Some things never change. Now I'd like to confer with Lieutenant Welsh. If you don't mind, I'd like to do that in private. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Leaving squad room] 
Ray: Confer with you? What is that? What kind of talk is that? Confer with your own suit, you federal jackass. That guy sucks. 
Fraser: Well, you know, Ray, he's probably got reasons for privacy. I mean, after all, we were the cause of the problem. 
Ray: Well maybe we made a mistake, maybe we didn't. But one thing I know. I hate when somebody tells me to go to my room right when I'm in the middle of something. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, I may not share your motivations, but in this situation. . . 
[Entering squad room, Elaine's desk] 
Fraser: . . . information. Your efforts are greatly appreciated. 
Elaine: Don't thank me, Fraser. 
Francesca: Okay. Okay, I can do this. . . 
Elaine: . . . I know. Okay, Bruce Spender. Here we go. Spender, Bruce. Died October 8, 1992. No next of kin. No services. Body burned beyond recognition. 
Fraser: U.S. marshals faked his death. Is that standard procedure? 
Ray: No, no, no. This guy got the deluxe package. Who'd he rat on? 
Elaine: It was robbery. Armored car. Four were arrested. Spender turned state's evidence on the other three. Dustin Mahoney, Michael Johnson, and Elliot Wells. 
Fraser: Do you have any information on them? 
Elaine: Hard copy? 
Fraser: Please. 
Francesca: Okay, okay. I can do this. . . Okay. . . Hard copy. . . Okay. . . I know, I know. . . A-ha! I told you I could do this. 
Fraser: You are a natural. 
Francesca: Thank you, Fraser. 
Elaine: That's Mahoney. Suspected of numerous armed robberies. This was his only conviction. Released a year ago for good behavior. They think maybe he killed another con when he was in prison. 
Fraser: That's good behavior? 
Francesca: Well, it's all relative. I mean, if the con was Jeffrey Dahlmer, pffft. . . 
Elaine: Michael Johnson escaped from Leavenworth three years after he went in. Suspect in a gun store robbery in Louisville four months ago. 
Ray: Great. So 2 out of 2 are on the street. 
Elaine: Make that 3 for 3. Elliot Wells, paroled six months ago on the robbery. Arrested a couple of weeks ago for holding up a gas station. Jumped bail. He's on the loose. 
Ray: Well, that's great. Three guys on the street. Motive. Method. This boy's in a deep hole. 
Kevin: Yes, he is. My brother's safety is my first priority. I'd like to get him out of the state by sundown. 
Fraser: Is that really necessary, sir? I mean, after all, this is a police station. One would think we'd be able - 
Kevin: No slight intended, Constable, but police stations are like a sieve, and these boys are nothing if they're not resourceful. I'd like some of your men to assist me. 
Ray: Assist you. What does that mean? Assist you. 
Welsh: It means exactly what he says. I want you to give Deputy Director Spender all the assistance he needs. 
Kevin: Do you have a secure phone? 
Elaine: Yeah, right this way. 
Ray: Do you got a secure phone. I don't like Kevin. 
Francesca: I don't like him either. I mean, it's never really been my personal ambition to make friends with stuffed-shirt, uptight kind of people, you know. If that's the usual trade that you have around. . . here. . . 
[Welsh's office] 
Fraser: Hi. You all right? 
Bruce: Oh, yeah. I'm okay. Fine. 
Fraser: Nice to see your brother. 
Bruce: Yeah. Long time. 
Kevin: Bruce? Bruce? Got to get moving. . . 
[Huey checks out back] 
Ray [radio]: Huey? 
Huey [radio]: Looks good. 
Ray [radio]: Team one, go. 
[Decoy 1 leaves the back] 
Kevin: Check. 
Ray [radio]: Team two, go. 
[Decoy 2 leaves the front] 
Kevin: Ready. 
Ray [radio]: Got anything yet? 
Voice [radio]: Operation is secure. 
Ray: So far, so good. 
Voice [radio]: All clear. 
Ray [radio]: How we doing, guys? 
Voice [radio]: West entrance clear. 
Voice [radio]: North entrance clear. 
Kevin: Give the signal. 
Ray [radio]: Send the dummy cars out. Wait to see if anyone follows. Keep all the entrances tight. After those cars leave, no one gets in or out, okay? 
Voice [radio]: Perimeter's clear. Operation's a go. 
Kevin: All right. Let's make the transfer. 
Ray: Hang on a second. All my men are covering the entrances. 
Kevin: That's where they should be. 
Ray: There's no cover here. 
Kevin: We won't need it. Let's just do it, okay? 
Ray [radio]: Okay, send up the transfer car. 
Voice [radio]: Transfer car, on its way. 
Bruce: I'm, uh, I'm kind of scared, Kev. 
Kevin: I am, too. . . You ready? 
Bruce: Yep. 
Ray: Who'd you call? 
Kevin: Airport. Let them know we're on our way. Not that you need to know. 
Ray: Let's get it on. 
Kevin: All right. Let's get in the back seat. 
Ray: Down! [radio] Go! Go! Go! Everybody, ground zero! Snipers! 
Kevin: Where the hell are they? 
Ray: One of those six buildings over there. Let's get him the hell out of here! 
Kevin: Too risky! 
Ray: Oh, yeah, like this isn't? Come on, come on, come on, come on! 
Bruce: Kevin! 
Ray: Bruce! Get in! 
Bruce: Kevin! 
[Hallway - squad room - Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Forensics is at the crime scene. When they get something, they'll send it right up. 
Kevin: Can you give this the blue ribbon treatment? 
Welsh: You got it, from top to bottom. 
Kevin: As for Vecchio, I want him brought up on charges. 
Welsh: Oh, and what charge would that be? Saving your brother's life? 
Kevin: Well, kidnapping for a start. We'll see what else shakes out. 
Welsh: That's ridiculous. 
Kevin: Oh, you think I'm ridiculous, huh? Well, let me tell you what I think. I think someone in your department set my brother up. 
Welsh: Impossible. I know this department. They're all good men. 
Kevin: Good men who haven't even bothered to check in. 
Welsh: Ahh, don't worry. They'll check in. 
Kevin: Let me make myself perfectly clear, Lieutenant. The only reason I haven't brought in Justice and the Bureau is because I have some respect for you. But this is personal. This is my brother. I would go to the mat for him just like you would do for yours. Full bore. Do we understand each other? 
Welsh: Yeah, I think we do. 
[Apartment] 
Fraser: How many assailants were there? 
Ray: Hard to tell. I mean, there were shooters everywhere. You know what that's like. You hunker. 
Fraser: And they were disguised? 
Ray: Yeah, in disguises. By the size and build, I figured one of them to be Johnson, the other one to be Mahoney. I mean, these guys were good. They had us pegged. They were right inside us. I mean, they want him bad. 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Ray: Does that figure to you, Fraser? 
Fraser: Does what figure to me? 
Ray: That he masterminded the heist. Cause when I look at him, what does not come to mind is arch criminal. I mean, the guy can barely tie his shoes. 
Bruce: The bank had three entrances. The doors were controlled after business hours by a central computer on relay. Well, that bypass was easy. The vault codes were logged in sequence through two networks. It took me months to sort through the algorithms but once I found the key it was just a matter of refining the sequence and bypassing the time clocks. Everything was planned with precision and detail. The operation was undertaken and completed in precisely 27 minutes and 13 seconds. . . And I can tie my shoes. 
[knock] 
Francesca: Hi, Frase. 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Ray: Were you followed? 
Francesca: I don't know. People follow me all the time. I have an allure. 
Ray: That's not what I asked. I was asking more along the line of police work. 
Francesca: You mean, like, criminals? No! Nobody followed me. Okay, so I have the background files. And a report that came in from Dallas. A guy named John Michaels was picked up for knocking flat a convenience store. 
Ray: Knocking over. 
Francesca: Over, flat, down, sideways, God! Anyway, they ran his prints and John Michaels is Michael Johnson. 
Ray: So that makes Eliot Wells and Dustin Mahoney the shooters. 
Fraser: That would seem likely. Bruce, I'm curious. Your plan was very meticulous, wasn't it? 
Bruce: Yes, it was a very good plan. Very graceful. Very good plan. 
Fraser: Until someone told the police where you were hiding out. 
Bruce: But I didn't tell. I didn't tell. 
Francesca: You testified against them. 
Bruce: Yes, I testified, but I didn't tell. 
Fraser: And now they want to kill you. 
Ray: Somethin's queer. 
Fraser: What? 
Ray: I don't know. Somethin's queer. Just move it. . . I could do that. I choose not to. 
[Hallway] 
Ray: What is it? 
Fraser: Two men just entered the building. 
Francesca: Well, they didn't follow me. . . 
Fraser: That may be true but I believe that one of them just put a 32-round clip into a machine pistol. A Mach 10, if I'm hearing the mechanism correctly. Back stairs. 
Ray: Go, go, go. 
[Other end of hallway] 
Ray: More? 
Fraser: I can't tell about their weapon. Roof. 
Francesca: Okay, so maybe I was followed, but if people were running around, sneaking and hiding, how the hell am I supposed to hear them? 
Ray: After you. 
Francesca: Yeah. You wish. 
Ray: Okay. 
[Elaine's apartment; phone rings] 
Elaine: Hello?. . . Fraser, is that you? Are you all right? 
Fraser: Yes, thank you, Elaine. 
Elaine: What's going on? 
Fraser: Did you find out any more about the bank robbers? 
Elaine: I ran a search on all Spender's accomplices. A guy got killed in Denver last month with one of Mahoney's aliases. I had the Denver PD compare his prints to Mahoney's. They matched. 
Fraser [to Ray]: Mahoney's dead. 
Ray: That just leaves Wells. 
Elaine: I got nothing on Wells. I could go back to the station, you know, keep digging. 
Fraser: No, Elaine, you've got your graduation tomorrow. . . 
Elaine: I'm all set. Uniform fits. You know, I'm going to go back in. I'll call you if I come up with anything. Oh, and Fraser, just so you know. Welsh was in his office holed up waiting for the phone to ring when I left. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Welsh's office] 
Kevin: Three hours and not a word. Is that how things usually work in this department, lieutenant? 
Welsh: Not ordinarily. They gotta have a reason. 
Kevin: Well, I can't wait around to hear it. I'm moving now. 
Huey: I got Fraser on line one. 
Welsh: Where the hell are you, Constable? 
Fraser: We're all right, sir, for the moment. 
Welsh: Well you pick a location, we'll meet. 
Fraser: Well, I'm not entirely sure that would be safe. 
Welsh: Well, I'm not entirely sure what you're doing is any better. 
Fraser: You may be right, sir, but I think in a situation like this the fewer people that know, the better. 
Kevin: This is Deputy Director Spender, Constable. I appreciate your efforts and I'm willing to believe you think you're doing the right thing, but I want my brother and I want him now! If you keep getting in my way, I'll hit you with obstruction charges so hard it'll kill your entire family! 
Welsh: Great move, Spender. What do we do now? 
[Ray's car] 
Bruce: Kevin's mad? 
Fraser: Umm-hmm. 
Bruce: He's just worried about me. He's just worried about me. 
Fraser: It would seem so. 
Ray: So? 
Fraser: They want to talk. 
Ray: Yeah, I bet they do. Look, I don't like this. Where's this safe house you got in mind? 
Francesca: Yeah, what are the sleeping arrangements, Frase? 
Fraser: Fairly rudimentary. The place I'm considering has no heat. 
Francesca: Oh, so, I guess I'll have to curl up to something really warm then, won't I? 
Ray: And you're going to get it, Frannie. It's a little place called home. 
[Empty apartment] 
Ray: Oh, nice place. 
Fraser: It was Constable Turnbull's but he decided he didn't need anything quite so fancy. 
Ray: Oh, so where does he live now? A cardboard box? 
Fraser: Uh-huh. A very nice one, though. . . I see you've had some experience with bedrolls. 
Bruce: Well, I was a scout. 
Fraser: Really? So was I. Mind you, our troop was very small. It was just me, my friend Innusiq, and his sister Joon. 
Bruce: A girl? A girl was in boy scouts? 
Fraser: Well, you know, you can't really have a troop with only two boys, and she had very short hair, so - 
Ray: I got short hair. 
Fraser: Well, we're lucky. We have a troop. 
Ray: Woo-hoo! 
Bruce: Will I have to go to jail? 
Ray: No, no, no, no, no. You got some big guns on your side. A DD from the Justice Department? That carries a lot of weight. 
Bruce: Yeah, I know, I know. Kevin's always been there. 
Fraser: He has, hasn't he? Right from the beginning. 
Bruce: Yeah, right from the beginning. 
Fraser: Well, troop, it's time to tuck in. 
Ray: Oh, come on, Fraser, we don't really have to sleep on the floor, do we? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray: Look, I do this, I want a badge. A tuck-in-on-the-floor-I-hurt-my-back badge. 
Fraser: I'll get you one. 
Ray: Okay. 
Fraser: A-ke-la we'll do our best. We'll dib-dib-dib. . . 
Bruce: We'll dob-dob-dob. . . 
[Morning; phone rings; Ray struggles to find it] 
Ray: Got it!. . . Yeah? 
Elaine: Good morning, Ray. 
Ray: Yeah, if you say so. . . Right. On my way. . . [to others]. . . Motel clerk recognized a mug shot of Elliot Wells. 
Fraser: Excellent. 
Ray: You better watch him. I'll give you a call when we wrap up. 
[Apartment] 
Fraser: In the end, Innusiq and I both earned our cooking badge, but Joon - she never did. That poor girl, she couldn't boil a pot of water if the future of western civilization depended on it. 
[phone rings] 
Fraser: Hello, this is Detective Vecchio's cellular telephone, Constable Benton Fraser answering. 
Ray: Hello is enough, Fraser. 
Fraser: Right. 
Ray: We got the guy but he doesn't look good for the shootings. He spent the whole night with a hooker. And that call I told you about? Elaine checked with the airport guys? They never heard anything. 
Fraser: So that confirms it, then. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Fraser: All right. Thank you, Ray. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Bruce: Everything okay? 
Fraser: Yeah. . . So tell me, was Kevin a scout also? 
Bruce: Oh, no, no, not Kevin, no. He was always looking after things, though. And he looked after me. He did. Even when things got ugly, he looked after me, he did. 
Fraser: And did things get ugly? 
Bruce: Yeah. We'd move. We moved around. And there were people sometimes who were ugly, yeah. And I don't mean here [points to mouth]. I mean here [points to heart]. And sometimes, well, one time, one time I. . . I miss Kevin. 
Fraser: One time what, Bruce? 
Bruce: We just moved. New place, new town, new everything. We were in a gang, boys in a gang, and they didn't like me. And Kevin knew it. And the leader of the gang, his brother always wanted a boomerang. Humm? Can you imagine that? 
Fraser: Yeah, I can. I always wanted a bola. 
Bruce: Yeah, yeah. Same thing. Same thing, yeah. Well, Kevin found a boomerang, found it in a closet, and he gave it to me so the other guys would like me. A beautiful boomerang. But the leader's brother wanted it so we had to fight for it. 
Fraser: You had to fight because that was the code of the gang? 
Bruce: Yeah. Kevin didn't like it. Didn't like it at all. But I had to stand on my own two feet. I had to. But I couldn't. And I disappointed him. I did cause I got hit. I got hit a lot. And I lost. And I lost it. I lost my boomerang Kevin gave me. 
Fraser: You say he found it in a closet? 
Bruce: Yeah. Fancy boomerang. Found it. Found it in a closet. 
Fraser: It was made of wood? 
Bruce: Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful wood. 
Fraser [holds out wooden coat hanger]: Did it look sort of like this? 
Bruce: Sort of. 
Fraser [removes metal hook]: More like this, then. 
Bruce: Just like that, yeah. 
Fraser: Bruce, I think that Kevin has been lying to you, and I think he's very worried that someone might tell. 
Bruce: Tell what? 
Fraser: That the robbery was his idea. 
Bruce: No. It was mine. It was my plan. 
Fraser: It was your plan, but it was his idea, wasn't it? 
Bruce: Kevin would never hurt me. He would never hurt me. 
Fraser: How do you know? 
Bruce: I can ask him. 
Fraser: I think you should. 
[Welsh, Kevin, and three other men meet Ray, Fraser, and Bruce] 
Kevin: I understand you have a question. 
Bruce: No, no, Kevin. . . Yeah, I do. 
Kevin: So hit me. 
Bruce: Yeah. Yeah. That's the question. Do you remember the boomerang? 
Kevin: The what? 
Bruce: The boomerang. Do you remember the boomerang? 
Kevin: What about it? 
Bruce: Was it a boomerang? 
Kevin: What are you asking? 
Bruce: Was it a boomerang? 
Kevin: Bruce, in six days I stand before the Senate. The Senate of the United States of America. 
Bruce: It wasn't a boomerang? 
Kevin: I am talking about a directorship. Don't you understand that? 
Bruce: Will they ask about me? They'll ask about me and you won't know what to say? 
Kevin: I can't take care of you any more. 
Bruce: You can say that you're my brother and that you love me. You can say that. Just say that you love me. 
Kevin: They'll find out about the robbery. You'll tell them. You won't be able to help yourself. And I will lose everything that I have worked for. I can't let that happen, Bruce. I do love you. Just get in the car and we'll work it out. 
Bruce: No, Kevin, I can't do that. 
Fraser [to Dief]: Go! 
Kevin: Bruce, get in the car now. 
Bruce: No. 
[Dief knocks Kevin down; gunfight ensues] 
Welsh: Why'd you pick this place? 
Fraser: Well, I thought Kevin would be more forthcoming if he thought he had the upper hand. 
Ray: It worked great but they do have the upper hand! 
Fraser: Not for long. . . Bruce, you all right? 
Ray: Reloading! Two at 12 o'clock! 
Welsh: I got 'em! 
Ray: Three at 1 o'clock. . . 
Fraser: Ray. . . 
Ray: Four at 5 o'clock. . . 
Fraser: Ray. . . 
Ray: Oh, man. . . 
Fraser: We just have to get over this hill. 
Ray: Okay, that's it. Cheque please! 
[Graduation ceremony] 
Academy Director: All of you have worked hard to make the grade. But I know it's been worth it. Now you take on the satisfaction of knowing that you are among Chicago's very. . . [faint gunfire] . . . finest. This is only the beginning. Now you take on the responsibilities and duties of police officers and . . . [more gunfire] . . . Your friends seem to be celebrating already with firecrackers. 
Elaine: Excuse me, sir. 
Director: Sit down. You'll get to come up in a minute. . . [and more] . . . I said, sit down. 
Elaine: But gunfire, sir. I think officers are in trouble. 
Director: In the middle of my speech? Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you want to graduate, sit down. 
[Hillside] 
Fraser: We're just about there. 
Welsh: You guys get going! We'll cover you! 
Fraser: You ready? 
Bruce: Yeah. 
Fraser: Let's go. 
Welsh: Hey, calvary's comin'. It's just like the movies. 
[Kevin runs; Fraser chases] 
Elaine [arrests one man]: Okay, scumball! 
Director: Don't forget to check for an ankle holster. 
Elaine: Yes, sir! 
Director: What do you do as soon as the suspect is controlled? 
Elaine: Read him his Miranda rights, sir! 
Director: Good, good. Excellent, excellent. 
Ray [gets another one]: Drop your weapon! Drop it or I will put a bullet right through your head! Drop the gun! On your knees, on your knees! Hands behind your back! 
Director: Very good. All right, now. What do we do after we control the suspect? 
Ray: Uh. . . kick 'im in the head? 
[Kevin pulls gun on Fraser] 
Bruce: Kevin. . . [pulls gun on Kevin] 
[Academy] 
Director: Elaine Besbriss. Congratulations, Elaine, you're one of the first cadets to graduate with an arrest already under your belt. Let's hope it's the first of many. 
Elaine: Thank you, sir. 
Director: You're welcome. 
Fraser: You know, Elaine, my graduation marked the beginning of one of the most exciting periods of my career. I received my first posting. It was to a very remote community perched on the edge of an - 
Ray: Ice flow. Look, love you like a brother, Fraser, but let's not hear about that right now. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: So, you're gone, Elaine. I'm never going to find another file. Who's going to transfer the calls? Hey, who's going to order the pizza. . .? 
Elaine: I'm sure Francesca will work out fine. 
Ray: Oh, no, no, no. She belongs on the Home Shopping Network, not at a police station. 
Fraser [to Welsh]: How did it go? 
Welsh: Well, Bruce will have to go to Washington to answer some questions about Kevin. After that, he's free to go wherever he chooses. 
Fraser: Would you excuse us?. . . Where are you going to go? 
Bruce: I don't know. 
Fraser: You don't want to stay in Chicago? 
Bruce: No, no. I don't think so. 
Fraser: I understand. 
Bruce: You know, maybe when I'm in Chicago, I could come and play with your dog sometime. 
Fraser: Yes. Any time. 
Bruce: Okay. 

End of I Coulda Been a Defendant
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Strange Bedfellows

[Fraser's office at the Consulate. Fraser, Thatcher and psychiatrist present. Administering a Rorschach test to Fraser.] 
Fraser: A criminal. 
Dr.: Good. Now this one? 
Fraser: An officer of the law. 
Dr.: I see. And this one? 
Fraser: Justice 
Thatcher: Justice? I see three moths. How do you get Justice from three moths? 
Fraser: Well, I could be wrong, Sir, but I took these two swirls... 
Dr.: Uh, there is no right or wrong, Constable, these are merely indicators of an internal state. 
[Chainsaw in background, Fraser looks around] 
Fraser: Do you hear that? 
[Dr shakes head no] 
Thatcher: Hear what? 
Fraser: Ah, nothing. 
Dr.: As I was saying, these tests were designed to help us assess the psychological profile of the individual members of the... 
[Hammering in background, Fraser looks around office] 
Fraser: You sure you don't hear that? 
Thatcher: Hear what, Fraser? 
Fraser: The chainsaw and the hammering. Carpentry, could be carpentry. 
Dr.: Fascinating! And is this sound coming from close by or from far away? 
Fraser: Quite close. Actually...I think it's coming from right here... 
[Fraser opens closet door] 
Dr.: Hmm. Perhaps we should be trying a little word association. 
[Fraser and Kowalski in car.] 
Fraser: Uh, chain saw. 
Ray: Massacre. 
Fraser: Closet. 
Ray: What kind of question is that? 
Fraser: It's nothing untoward. It's just that if I say 'closet' one person might say brooms and another person might say carpentry. 
Ray: Yeah, and I might say 'hey, you're losing your mind, Fraser.' 
Fraser: Well that question has been raised only recently. Ah, surveillance. 
[pulling to a stop, both watch 2 people on the sidewalk/dock] 
Fraser: I thought as much. 
Dief: Whine. 
Ray: Disgusting. 
Fraser: What is? 
Ray: Well kissing right out in the middle of the street like that. Flaunting it all over the place. 
Fraser: I didn't realize you were so prudish. 
Ray: Me? Hey, that's not it, I'll try anything. That's not the point. 
Fraser: What is the point? 
Ray: The point is we got laws in this city and I'm sworn to enforce them. And one of those laws bans lascivious acts. Thank you very much, Fraser. Page 118. And that, my friend, is definitely a lascivious act. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, this is the 1890 Illinois Criminal Code. 
Ray: Old laws are the best laws, Fraser. Look at that, look at...would you look at that? 
Fraser: Hang on a second. 
[Fraser adjusts rear view mirror to look at person behind them who is aiming a gun at the two on the sidewalk.] 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: Gun. 
[Both jump out of car, Kowalski to knock the two they're watching to the ground, Fraser after the shooter. Gunshot. Tires screeching as shooter flees.] 
Stella: What the hell do you think you're doing? 
Ray: Saving your life. I... 
Orsini: I don't understand, why are you so upset? This man saved our lives, Stella. [Orsini shakes Kowalski's hand] 
Stella: Oh yeah, because he just happened to be driving by. 
Fraser: Oh no, ma'am. Actually Det. Vecchio and I were on a routine surveillance. We were...apparently we were on the lookout, well we were on the lookout for lascivious acts, although I'm not sure what we witnessed would... 
Ray: Shut up, Fraser. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: This is my partner, Fraser, he's Canadian. 
Stella & Orsini: [in unison] Obviously. 
Ray: This is Alderman Frank Orsini. 
Fraser: A pleasure to meet you. 
Orsini: And you, thank you. 
Ray: And this, uh, is my ex-wife Stella. 
[Fade to opening credits] 
[Reporters and police at scene] 
Orsini: And I want you all to know that I have every confidence in the police. 
Welsh: Ah, I think that's enough, thank you. 
Reporter: How is State's Attorney Kowalski involved in this matter? 
Orsini: Well, as the detective said, that's all we know at this time. 
[Pan to Fraser & Kowalski in background with Huey and Dewey] 
Ray: Why the circus? 
Fraser: Well your ex-wife is involved in law enforcement, Ray. Naturally any attempt on her life would warrant extra effort. 
Dewey: Actually, it's the guy she's doing. Turns out he's some big shot politician. 
Ray: Uh, what was that? Sorry, I missed that. 
Dewey: Uh, he's a politician. You know, City Alderman. He's, uh, he's looking to become mayor. 
Ray: Uh, no, the part about my wife. 
Dewey: Oh, about the guy she's doing. Well, good looking guy, lots of cash, moves around the right circles. Actually, I don't think they're just friends. I'd get over it if I were you, you've been replaced. 
Ray: Funny guy. 
[Kowalski jumps Dewey, pins him to the hood of a police cruiser, Fraser & Huey separate them] 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray! 
Huey: Easy, easy. C'mon! I'd like you to meet my new partner, Tom Dewey. 
Fraser: Ah, pleased to meet you. I'd imagine you're named after the famous prosecuting attorney and former Governor of New York Thomas Edmund Dewey. 
Dewey: No, actually I was named after my uncle. He sold fish. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Dewey: Who are you? 
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that really don't need exploring at this juncture have remained, attached as liaison to the Canadian Consulate. 
Huey: So what did you see? 
Ray: Ah, it all happened pretty fast. It was a guy about 6' tall but his face was hooded so he could have... 
Fraser: Actually, he was 6'3", wore black pants, black hooded sweatshirt, and drove a grey 1990 Oldsmobile Cutlas Cierra. Unfortunately I was unable to make out the license plate but I did notice he was driving on Firestone Steel Belted Radials with an all-weather tread. 
Dewey: You couldn't see the plate but you could see the tires? 
Ray: Hey, just write it down! 
Fraser: Well no I didn't actually see the tires but the street, I realize, has not been tended to by street cleaners lately and I was able to make out the tire track marks. 
Dewey: Is this guy for real? 
Huey: The jury's still out on that. 
Fraser: Most importantly, I noticed that the right rear tire had a distinctive nick. 
Dewey: Oh, a nick... 
[Welsh comes over] 
Welsh: Uh, excuse me. Ray, Fraser...there's something I want to straighten out. 
Ray: Yeah, you guys just get back to your donuts there. 
Welsh: There is an issue I'd like to clear up, like uh...excuse me, Fraser. 
[Fraser steps away] 
Welsh: Your ex-wife. I don't think she believes you were out just passing by here. 
Ray: Uh, she's paranoid. 
Welsh: Good, good. Because I'd hate to think that one of my officers would be sick enough to be tailing his ex-wife on a date. 
Ray: No sir, nobody would like to think that. 
Welsh: Good, good, because Alderman Orsini would like to thank you guys personally. After that you can give him and Ms. Kowalski a ride home. 
Ray: A ride home? 
Welsh: You got a problem with that? 
Ray: Uh, no problem, sir. 
Welsh: Good, good, because until we find out who tried to kill him, you're going to be his personal bodyguard. 
Ray: Oh, c'mon, find somebody else. 
Welsh: Oh no, the alderman specifically requested you and Fraser. It seems you exhibited some kind of competence this evening. 
Ray: Got it. 
Fraser: Actually, Lieutenant, you see I have several outstanding issues... 
Welsh: No, no, no, I already talked to Thatcher. She seems to think that due to your mental state it would be better if Turnbull stood guard. [walks off] 
Fraser: My, my, my...uh, my...did she happen to elaborate on my...sir? 
[int. of Kowalski's sedan. Fraser & Kowalski in front, Orsini & Stella in back with Dief between them] 
Stella: Uh, would your wolf be more comfortable if I sat in the middle? 
Fraser: Well perhaps. He does ordinarily enjoy a window seat. 
Ray: I think things are just fine the way they are. 
Orsini: You know I really appreciate what you two did for us back there, putting your life on the lines like that. 
Fraser: Oh, it was nothing more than our duty. 
Orsini: A lot of Chicago cops wouldn't feel that way. 
Ray: Actually most would. In fact a lot of guys would be a lot better at this bodyguarding stuff than we are. 
Orsini: I'm being shot at. I need someone I can trust, someone that's good. That's you. [patting Kowalski & Fraser on the shoulders] 
Stella: I think perhaps Ray's a little uncomfortable with the fact that we're seeing each other, Frank. 
Orsini: Oh, I highly doubt that, Stella. 
Ray: You do? 
Orsini: Yeah, you're a practical man. You know one thing that politics has taught me is that the world is a matrix of practicality. If you approach any problem sensibly, and you discover that x=y you'll probably discover that y=x, and we're all adults. You're not married any longer and he's a professional, where's the problem? 
Ray: No problem, x=y, that's... 
Orsini: Stella? 
Stella: Oh, no problem for me. 
[pulls up to Orsini's house] 
Ray: So this is where you live? 
Orsini: Weekdays. I have a place in the country for the weekend. 
[Orsini kisses Stella. Dief growls] 
Ray: Oh now you've gone and done it, the wolf's upset. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Terribly sorry, but he tends to be overly protective of women. 
Orsini: Oh that's ok, I'm a little protective of Stella myself. [gets out of car] Well... 
Police Officer: Good evening, Alderman. 
Orsini: Looks like I have plenty of company for tonight, I'll see you two guys at seven. 
Fraser: Good night, sir. 
Orsini: [walks to house] How's it going, gents? 
Police Officer: Mr. Orsini. 
Stella: What were you doing at the restaurant, Ray? Were you stalking me? 
Fraser: Ma'am, I don't think stalking would be an accurate description... 
Stella: I'm sorry, I'm a little unclear as to how this is any of your business. 
Fraser: Well, Ray is my partner and my friend and I'm very confident that his intentions were honorable. 
Stella: Well I'm glad you think that, but where I come from you don't driving around spying on your ex-wife when she's going out with another man. 
Fraser: Well, you have a point, ma'am, but he did save your life at considerable risk to his own. 
Ray: I'm sorry, Stella. 
Stella: What do you want, Ray? 
[Ray thinks to self]  I want you. You know we were put on this planet to love one another. We can't throw that away, that's something that you know and... 
Ray: I know. 
Stella: What do you want, Ray? 
Ray: Uh, nothing. 
Stella: [sighs] I'm going to get a cab. 
Ray: Look, Stella, I'm supposed to give you a ride home, aren't I? 
Stella: It's ok, I'll see you in the morning. 
Ray: Stella! C'mon, c'mon, Stella! Stella! Ste... [bangs steering wheel repeatedly] 
Fraser: You're acting very strangely tonight, Ray. I mean I don't mean this as a criticism, but... 
Ray: Look, this is the first time she's been serious about a guy since we split up. 
Fraser: How do you know that? 
Ray: My mum. They're pals, they talk all the time, she tells her everything. 
Fraser: You know, she is your *ex*-wife, you can't really interfere in her life. I mean, I can see how she would misunderstand that. 
Ray: Look, I know that, but I, um...I worry about her. I...I think about her all the time. 
Fraser: It must not be easy for you. 
Ray: You have no idea. It just... [sigh] 
[ext. 27th Precinct, Fraser & Kowalski inside at the computer] 
Fraser: Ray, I thought the shooting incident was Huey and Duey's case; that we were merely assigned to bodyguard the Alderman. 
Ray: Right, haven you ever heard of pre-emptive bodyguarding, Fraser? We put the shooter away; I don't have to watch him move in on Stella. 
[banging on keyboard] 
Ray: Uh, I hate this thing, it never does what I want! Just... 
[Fraser clicks two keys] 
Ray: Thanks. 
Fraser: [reading from screen] 'Alderman threatened over development project.' 
Ray: He's the guy pushing the Manor Point project. 
Fraser: Manor Point? 
Ray: Yeah, big time development--tearing up a lot of old housing, putting in yuppie shopping malls. That kind of stuff. The people are getting ticked off because they're getting turfed out. [sighing and banging on keyboard] Make it print. 
[Fraser hits one key and turns to get printout] 
Ray: Damon Reece. Head of the Manor Point, uh, Community Association. We'll start with him tomorrow. 
Fraser: While we're bodyguarding? 
Ray: We'll work it out. C'mon, Fraser! Got to get up early. 
[next morning, Kowalski and Fraser pull up at Orsini's house with a screech] 
Police Officer: Good morning, Vecchio. 
Ray: So we wait here or go in or what? 
Fraser: I think perhaps it's best if we wait here. 
[taxi pulls up to curb] 
Fraser: I thought we were driving him. 
Ray: Yeah, here he comes. 
[Orsini walks out of house followed by Stella] 
Ray: Oh no. [rests head on steering wheel] 
[cut to commercial] 
Ray: I can not do this, Fraser. I can not. 
Fraser: Of course you can, Ray. 
[Fraser pats Kowalski on the back] 
Ray: She spent the night with him. 
Fraser: Well, now we don't know that. I mean that may be the case but on the other hand perhaps she just came by for a breakfast date. 
Ray: A breakfast date? 
Fraser: Well sure, people have luncheon dates, dinner dates, why not a breakfast date? 
Ray: Because it's um...what's the word? Stupid. 
Fraser: What's so stupid about that? I mean eating together is eating together. I don't see how the time of day is relevant. 
Ray: It's relevant because people go on dates to get into bed, not out of them. 
Fraser: That's an extremely narrow interpretation... 
Ray: You know, Fraser, if I want to know how to track musk ox across the tundra, fine. But when it comes to the dating habits of The Stella, I happen to be an expert. 
Fraser: All I'm trying to say is... 
Ray: Plus it would take an act of God to get her out of bed. I don't' think she drove an hour across town just to chomp cereal with muttonhead.
[Orsini walks to car, holds newspaper up to windshield with headline 'Attempted Murder Fails'] 
Orsini: hahahaha If it's not too much problem, guys, I've got to get to work. 
[Fraser opens car door, smacking Orsini in the process] 
Ray: [under breath] Thanks, Fraser. 
Fraser: Shh. I'm terribly sorry, sir. [opens rear door for Orsini] 
Orsini: No problem. [climbs into car doubled over, Kowalski has wicked grin on his face] 
[ext. groundbreaking for Manor Point, Orsini on stage making speech to crowd] 
Orsini: Hello, friends. Today is a great day for the city of Chicago. Today is a great day for the people of Manor Point. Today we begin phase one of a project that epitomizes the vigor and the spirit of Chicago. A project [clapping]...A project that uses the strength of the free enterprise system for the good of everyone in the community... 
Damon: [yelling] What's good about throwing us out of our homes? 
Crowd: Yeah! 
Ray: That's our man Damon Reece. 
Orsini: I know you're worried, that for a lot of you this will mean a change and change can be frightening. But, change can also mean growth. 
Damon: That's crap! 
Orsini: No, no, this project includes provisions for low-cost housing... 
Damon: 500 units? You're displacing 5,000 people and putting in 500 units that maybe they can't even afford! 
Orsini: It's a start, my friend, it's a beginning and it's for you. It's for the people of Manor Point. It's for the children. I believe... I believe that this project will encourage growth. It will encourage the entrepreneurial spirit in this area that will lift everyone up. 
Damon: Lift up yuppie businessmen. 
Orsini: We've all got to stop shouting and start talking. We're all good people, we've all got good intentions. We've got to learn to work together, and if we do this project will be a beacon for the entire city. That's why I am glad to be here today for this ground breaking ceremony. Join me. 
[clapping and boos mixed] 
Damon: No way am I helping you tear up my life. This is an attack on the community and everyone that lives here. 
Mendleson: Oh come on, nobody wants to... 
Ray: [quietly to Fraser] These guys are gonna go. 
[Fraser heads over to fight] 
Damon: Our homes are being torn down, we have every right to be here. 
Fraser: Excuse me, gentlemen. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to stop right there. 
Mendleson: Who are you? 
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Damon: A Canadian. You ever hear of free speech up in Canada? 
Fraser: Of course. 
Mendleson: So then would you please get out of the way and let us exercise it? 
Fraser: Well I would like to, but I'm afraid this situation has the potential of going beyond the boundaries of civilized behavior. 
[cut to Orsini] 
Orsini: I couldn't have done it without them. 
[cut back to fight] 
Ray: Hold it, hold it! Chicago PD! First guy that tries any free speech gets his head kicked in! You got that? Any takers? Now beat it! Go! Back off! 
[crowd disperses] 
Fraser: That was very effective, Ray, although I'm not sure that your methods are really in keeping with the spirit of the Constitution. 
Ray: The Constitution is a piece of paper, a kick in the head is a jolt. OK, watch the pol. Fraser, um, say hypothetically, uh, something happens and you have to take a bullet for the guy...do me a favor, don't. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, it's really nice to know you're so concerned for me.
Ray: I wasn't thinking about you, Fraser. 
Fraser: Oh no, of course not. 
[Kowalski runs after Reece] 
Ray: Hey, Reece, hold up! 
[Reece spins around] 
Ray: Nervous, guy? 
Damon: What do you want? 
Ray: I just want to ask you a couple of questions. 
Damon: Look, it was a peaceful, democratic process. You got nothing to hassle me about. 
Ray: I'm not hassling you. Who's hassling you? 
Damon: Every cop Orsini tries to sic on me, that's who.. 
Ray: You don't like Orsini? 
Damon: I don't like what he's doing. We lost four blocks today. I plan to keep the rest. Man, what do you see here? 
[Kowalski looks around] 
Ray: A slum. 
Damon: A community, a neighborhood, homes, families. Four generations of my family live right here. Maybe it looks like a slum to you and Alderman Orsini over there, but it's home to a lot of people that love and care about it. 
Ray: Look, hey, if this development deal is so bad, how come it's going through? 
Damon: Because people are scared. They don't know how to fight big city hall or big money. 
Ray: Someone tried to fight city hall last night with a bullet--someone took a shot at Orsini. 
Damon: You're kidding? 
Ray: You got any idea who that might be? 
Damon: If I knew, I'd tell you in a second. This stuff is killing us. 
Ray: How? 
Damon: A death threat on an Alderman, a shooting. People don't want to get involved in that kind of stuff, it scares them off. We were just starting to build some momentum, now this. 
[tires screech in background, shot of someone in car with liquor bottle in hand about to throw it, Kowalski jumps on Damon to cover him and knocks him to ground] 
Ray: Get down! 
[bottle thrown at Kowalski & Damon] 
Ray: Are you all right? 
Damon: Yeah, thanks 
Damon: Did you get the license plate? 
Ray: Yeah, I got the first three letters. That's all right, I can run that on the computer. 
Damon: Forget it, forget it--just some punks trying to scare me off. They won't be able to do it. 
[cut to Kowalski returning to Fraser] 
Ray: Any action? 
[Fraser shakes head] 
Ray: Yeah, well it's still early. They going to be long? 
[Fraser cups hand to ear to hear Orsini and his men, who are off in the background] 
Fraser: No, they're just wrapping up now. 
Ray: C'mon! Don't tell me you can actually hear them. 
Fraser: Yes, I can. 
Ray: OK, what are they saying? 
Fraser: Well, I'm trying not to eavesdrop. 
Ray: No, is he going to ask Stella out... Like, he was on the phone... 
Fraser: Ray, as a friend, you have got to come to grips with... 
Ray: What, what, what? Give me a little information! You get to me... You had... You... 
[both talking at once arguing over discussing what Fraser could hear. Jerry approaching] 
Jerry: I'm Jerry, the alderman's assistant. I thought you might like to know the schedule. First, we go to a city council meeting, after that a committee meeting, and then a dinner date. 
Ray: A dinner date? With who? Stella Kowalski? 
Jerry: How'd you know that? 
Ray: Umph. [walks off] 
[cut to Orsini coming out of meeting, Kowalski & Fraser follow] 
Fraser: Boy, that committee meeting was fascinating, Ray. To actually see the inner workings of a great democratic organization. 
Ray: Fraser, that was a five hour talk about sewers. 
Fraser: Well, yes, it was. But still, to see how the different interests achieve... 
[Fraser & Kowalski talking at the same time] 
Ray: It's all about graft, corruption, and greed... 
Fraser: ...and then to realize that this goes on day after day after day... 
Ray: ...idiotic blab. I mean there was more gas in there than in the entire city of Chicago sewer system... 
Fraser: ...I mean it was absolutely illuminating. 
Ray: Illuminating? 
Fraser: Yes, illuminating. 
Ray: What's with you? 
[cut to ext of courthouse, Stella leaving with client, Orsini joins them] 
Orsini: Hi 
Stella: Hi, there 
[Orsini gives Stella a quick kiss, Kowalski pauses on the steps] 
Stella: Frank, this is Diane Weston, a witness in one of my cases. 
Orsini: Hi, Diane, pleasure to meet you. 
Diane: It's nice to meet you, Alderman Orsini. 
Orsini: Can you join us for drinks? 
Diane: No, I can't, but thanks. 
[Diane starts to leave] 
Dwayne: Diane! Don't do this to me. We belong together, we gotta get back together. Diane, I'm not going to hurt you anymore. 
[Stella comes over] 
Stella: Leave her alone. 
Dwayne: Please, stay out of this! This is between Diane and me. 
Stella: I said get away from her. 
Ray: Hey, look you got a problem, pal? [glowering] 
Dwayne: I just want to talk to my wife. 
Diane:  Just stay away from me, Dwayne. 
Dwayne: You know what this is like, you're a man, you know how this feels! 
Ray: No, I don't--you better leave before I jump bogart all over you. 
[lawyer pulls Dwayne away] 
Ray: Beat it. 
[Stella turns to Diane] 
Stella: You allright? 
Diane: I guess so. 
Stella: You need a ride home? 
Diane: No, I'll be fine. 
Stella: Get her a cab? 
Ray: Was I ever like that? 
Stella: No, you always knew the line. [to Orsini] Let's go. 
[walking from courthouse] 
Stella: I'm prosecuting her husband for spousal abuse. 
Orsini: Really? She doesn't look the type. 
Ray: The type? What, I don't get that. What, what, what type? 
Stella: *Ray* 
Ray: I know I'm just the bodyguard ex-husband in this situation, but I'm allowed to have an opinion. 
Stella: You *always* have an opinion. 
Fraser: And this one may be valid. After all, there is a general perception that abused women come from a certain stratum of... 
Stella: *Enough!* I know about abused women. I've spent a month convincing Diane to prosecute that creep. I don't need a lecture from a Chicago cop on the subject. Or a Mountie. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: Not a great idea to get in an argument with Estella. 
Fraser: Obviously. 
[to Orsini, Fraser & Kowalski drop back again] 
Stella: Ground breaking go ok? 
Orsini: Oh, yeah, it went fine. 
Ray: Except for the little protest by the folks getting thrown out of their homes. 
Stella: The project includes low-cost housing. 
Ray: Yeah, for 500 maybe. 
Orsini: That's 500 units. 
Fraser: Actually, I think it was 200 units. And I believe you were going to use something you call 'the spin' to make it seem as if there were more. I think spin is the correct word. 
Ray: It's exactly the right word, Fraser. 
Fraser: I inadvertently overheard some of your conversation. 
Stella: Frank, only 200? I thought you said five? 
Orsini: Two, five--who's counting? Where shall we eat tonight? How about the Oriole? I love what the light on the water there does to your eyes 
Ray: I'm gonna puke. 
[cut to moonlight dinner cruise, Fraser & Ray sitting at separate table, Ray facing Stella & Orsini, staring intently at Stella] 
Chef: Ah, Monsieur Orsini! A pleasure to have you here tonight. 
Orsini: The pleasure's all mine, Frederick. 
Frederick: Anything you need, anything at all, just tell me. 
Orsini: I'm sure everything will be just perfect. 
Fraser: The food here is excellent, Ray. You really should try some. 
Ray: I gotta try it. 
Fraser: That's the spirit. Now, I would recommend the shrimp cocktail... 
[Ray gets up and walks over to Stella] 
Ray: May I have this dance? 
Stella: No. 
Ray: Forgotten how? 
Stella: I don't feel like it. 
Ray: Scared? 
Stella: Don't be stupid. 
Orsini: Is there something going on that I, uh... 
Stella: No, I just don't feel like dancing. 
Ray: Come on, you love to dance, Stella, it's... 
Orsini: You're making a big deal of this, Stella. Why? 
Stella: I'm not making a big deal out of anything, I don't want to dance. 
Orsini: It wouldn't bother me. 
Stella: Of course it wouldn't bother you. I wouldn't care if it did. 
Orsini: No, I meant... 
Stella: Come on, Ray. 
Ray: Uh, Alderman, you got a little something in your teeth... 
[Ray and Stella move to dance floor, Orsini covers mouth, "Brindis" by Vivaldi] 
Stella: Think you're smart, don't you? 
Ray: Nah, you're the smart one, I'm just pretty. 
[Ray closes his eyes as they dance, goes into a dream-like state] 
[shot of them dancing over the water, all alone] 
[unspoken] 
Ray: This feels, I don't know 
Stella: Familiar. 
Ray: Yeah, easy. It's always easy with you, like I don't weigh anything. 
Stella: Yeah. 
[they kiss] 
[ship's horn blows, Orsini breaks in, the dream is over] 
Orsini: Music's over, pal. 
Stella: It's over, Ray. Thanks for the dance. 
[Orsini leads Stella back to their table, Kowalski is left standing alone on the dance floor, Fraser gives Kowalski the thumbs up] 
Fraser: You're both excellent dancers. 
Ray: Been doing it since we were kids. 
[Fraser watches the sommalier opening bottle of champagne for Orsini and Stella] 
Fraser: That's odd. 
Ray: Why? A lot of kids dance. 
Fraser: No, I mean the champagne. The protective metal mesh always opens counter-clockwise. This one opens clockwise. 
[Fraser & Kowalski look at each other and then both jump up. Fraser grabs the bottle of champagne.] 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Orsini: What are you doing? 
Fraser: It's a bad year. 
[Fraser runs towards the railing while Ray grabs Stella, puts her on the ground and lays on top of her] 
Fraser: Excuse me, please...stand aside... 
[Fraser throws the bottle overboard] 
Orsini: What do you think you're doing? 
Ray: Bodyguarding. 
Orsini: Well you think you could do it a little farther away? 
[bomb explodes, Fraser jumps overboard] 
Fraser: Ahhhhhh! 
Orsini: You can get up now. 
Ray: Soon. 
[cut to commercial] 
[Fraser, Ray, Welsh & Frannie at the station, Fraser is splashing water all over the place as he walks in] 
Ray: Fraser, tomorrow morning you're going to have green stuff growing in your eyebrows. 
Fraser: Well, you may well be right, Ray. The quality of the water is appalling. 
Frannie: You know, maybe a nice hot tub bath would be the thing. The reason I mention this is because we just got a new one at the house and it is perfect... 
Welsh: Francesa. Why didn't you just wait for the divers, Constable? 
Fraser: Well, I was worried that the current would carry away the evidence. As it was, I was only able to retrieve these things. Hmm, fascinating. This is not standard detonation device. I believe it's a computer circuit board that's been adapted for it's nefarious purposes. 
Ray: Nefarious, what, what...? 
Fraser: Uh, demonic, evil, bad. 
Ray: Yeah, right. 
Welsh: Yeah. 
Fraser: And this particular product appears to have been manufactured by the ADMT Computer Corporation. Here's a serial number I think will prove very interesting. 
Welsh: How did this bottle get on the boat? 
Ray: Dropped off by a courier. 
Fraser: It was a special present for the Alderman. 
Welsh: Anyone see the courier? 
Ray: Yeah, but they can't remember what he looked like. 
Frannie: Hey, why don't we get a couple of people in to look at some mug snaps. 
Ray: Mug snaps? Francesca, it's mug shots, *mug shots.* 
Stella: Is this going to take much longer? I'm a little tired. 
Ray: I'll give you a ride home. 
Stella: I'll go with Frank. 
Welsh: Uh, no, I already sent him home with a blue and white to avoid further incidents. 
[cut to Stella & Ray getting out of elevator at her apt building] 
Stella: Thanks for driving me home, Ray. It, uh, it shook me up a little. 
Ray: A little? Scared the hell out of me. 
Stella: Yeah, me too. 
[Stella starts to put her hand to Ray's cheek and pulls back] 
Stella: Well....good night. 
Ray: I'll walk you to the door. 
[Ray moves to catch up] 
Ray: It's good to see you again. 
Stella: Yeah. 
Ray: So, do you really like this guy? 
Stella: You know, he's nice. He's smart...he's charming...he's... 
Ray: Hmm. 
Stella: What? 
Ray: All of a sudden, I, uh...I, uh...don't know how to talk to you. 
Stella: It's not all of the sudden, Ray. It took years. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Stella: Do you, uh... I mean, do you want to... [indicates coming inside] 
Ray: Yeah, I do. But...like, I don't think that's a...that's a good idea, because we might... Look, it just seems like the wrong time. 
Stella: Yeah. Always is. Well, hey, maybe a breakfast date sometime. You know, you, me, eggs over easy? 
Ray: That's, uh, kind of a dumb idea, Stella. It's like, uh... What? 
Stella: Nothing. 
Ray: You ok? 
Stella: Never better. 
[quick goodnight kiss] 
Stella: Good night. 
[Stella goes inside and closes door] 
Ray: Good...good night. 
[Ray starts to knock but leaves, walking back down the hallway] 
Ray: I suck. 
[walks away, turning back and then going out for good. Cut to Fraser's office at the consulate. It's night, Fraser is in longjohns, Dief asleep on the floor, hammering in background. Fraser walks to office door and jerks it open to see if someone is outside, but no one's there. He walks over to office door. Chainsaw in background. Dief whines. Fraser opens closet door, nothing is in there that shouldn't be. Fraser walks back over to office door and pulls it open. Kowalski falls in.] 
Fraser: How did you get in here? 
[Kowalski holds up credit card] 
Ray: Uh, don't leave home without it. 
Fraser: It's four in the morning. 
Ray: I know, but we've got some investigating to do. 
Fraser: Listen, you didn't by any chance hear something strange, did you? 
Ray: Like what? 
Fraser: Chainsaws. 
Ray: This is Chicago, Fraser, the only time people use chainsaws is when they're trying to get rid of a body. 
Fraser: Right you are. 
Ray: Look, I got the match on the plates of that guy who humped the bottle at me. 
[Fraser walks to closet and opens the door] 
Fraser: What do you see? 
Ray: Nothing. 
Fraser: Just checking. I'll get dressed. 
Ray: I'll leave. 
Fraser: [sigh] 
[cut to Fraser & Kowalski in car] 
Ray: This is his address. 
Fraser: Yes, but I don't think we want to park, Ray. 
Ray: Well how else are we going to question this Joe Mendleson character? 
Fraser: Could try following his car. 
Ray: Good, uh, thinking. 
[they follow the car, pull in behind it as Mendleson gets out of the car] 
Ray: That's the guy from the fight the other day. 
Fraser: It makes sense. We know he had a reason to dislike Reece. 
Ray: And look who's here. [watching James and Mendleson together] 
[Fraser & Ray recline car seats as second car pulls up to get out of sight, bring seats back up after it passes.] 
Fraser: It's Orsini's assistant. 
Ray: I'll bet Orsini hired the guy to harass Reece. 
Fraser: That's pure speculation, Ray. Given your relationship with the Alderman think it's unlikely to be taken seriously by the higher-ups. 
[James gets back in his car to leave, Fraser & Kowalski lower their car seats again to get out of sight.] 
Ray: What relationship? 
Fraser: Your, uh...thing. Your relationship. 
[Car passes, seats are raised again] 
Ray: This is great. This is greatness. I knew Orsini was dirty. 
[Ray & Fraser get out of the car] 
Ray: Boom, boom, boom, let's go pull this guy's chain, Fraser. 
[Fraser looks at the car as they pass, inspecting the tires] 
Ray: Come on, Fraser, we don't have time to go sniffing hubcaps. 
Fraser: Firestone steel-belted radials with an all-weather tread. And a distinctive nick in the right rear tire. 
Ray: What are you saying? You're saying this is the guy that shot at Orsini? 
Fraser: Possibly. 
Ray: But he works for Orsini. 
Fraser: That's right. 
Ray: Oh great. What, so we got the Alderman on attempted suicide? 
Fraser: Inducement to suicide is still a crime in the state of Illinois. 
Ray: They got the death penalty for that? 
Fraser: Well, I don't imagine the death penalty would be effective deterrent for a potential suicide. 
Ray: Right, you got a point there. 
[cut to commercial] 
[station house, Welsh in office on the phone, Ray at his desk] 
Welsh: Yes, sir. [hangs up] 
[Welsh knocks on his window to get Ray's attention] 
Welsh: The third call from the Alderman, he wants to know where you are. 
[Ray motions that he can't hear Welsh] 
Welsh: That's the third call from the Alderman, he wants to know where you are. 
[Ray walks to glass] 
Ray: Oh, Fraser's got that covered like a blanket, he's all over it. 
Welsh: Yeah, but apparently he feels he deserves at least one official member of this department. 
[Ray's phone rings, he walks over to get it] 
Ray: Hang on. Huey? You're on it? 
[Ray signals to Welsh that Huey's on it. Welsh lowers his blinds. Cut to Welsh and Ray interviewing Mendleson] 
Mendleson: I didn't do anything. 
Ray: Oh, he threw a bottle at me and Damon Reece, that's assaulting a police officer. And he attacked some protestors, so maybe we're thinking you're working for Orsini. 
Welsh: See, now this is a crucial point for you here, because if you're working for the Alderman, we could consider you a small fish. A small fish that might be able to be thrown back into the water. 
Ray: It's his word against yours and who's he going to believe? 
Mendleson: I want a lawyer. 
Ray: Oh, oh, there's always the attempted murder of Orsini. 
Mendleson: No, no, no, I didn't try to kill anybody! 
[Ray and Welsh laugh] 
Welsh: Two detectives just executed a search warrant on your apartment. They found the gun. 
Mendleson: That was nothing. No, no, no, it was all nuthin'. It was just, you know, PR. 
Welsh: PR? You do your PR work with a gun? 
Mendleson: Blanks, you know, it was...image thing, you know. It was Orsini's idea, you know, the threats, the shooting. It was all supposed to make Reece and his idiots look bad. You know, spin, PR, politics [snapping fingers] 
Welsh: Uh huh. And what about the bomb? 
Mendleson: Hey, I had nothing to do with that! That was somebody... 
Ray: Oh yeah. 
Mendleson: Hey, you got to believe me, man! Maybe Orsini set it up somehow, but that just wasn't me! 
Welsh: What's in it for Orsini? 
[Mendleson rubs fingers together to signify money] 
Welsh: Hmm, moolah. 
Ray: Cash 
Welsh: (indistinct) 
Ray: Coin. 
Welsh: Dust. 
[cut to Fraser following Orisini with two men down the sidewalk] 
Man 1: You'll get it. We just need to grease a few more wheels. 
Man 2: We better get it, we paid you plenty for that... 
Orsini: Ah ah, keep it down. That idiot behind us has ears like a bat. 
[Fraser tips his hat to Man 2] 
[cut to Stella and Diane leaving the courthouse] 
Diane: I owe you so much. 
Stella: You're very welcome. Let's do lunch this week. 
Diane: OK, great. 
Stella: Take care, see you soon, bye bye. [to assistant] Can you set up an appointment for me for Judge Bishop early next week... 
[Dwayne comes out of courthouse, Diane passes Orsini on the stairs] 
Diane: Mr. Orsini 
Orsini: Um...yeah [obviously can't remember who Diane is. Kowalski pulls up with lights and siren going, Fraser joins him.] 
Ray: Orsini! I thought I'd find you here. 
Orsini: About time you showed. 
Ray: Well, I hope you accept my apologies, it took me a little while to, uh, get the warrant. 
Orsini: Warrant? 
Ray: For your arrest. 
Huey: If you'd just come along, sir. 
[Huey & Dewey take Orsini away] 
Orsini: This is ridiculous, you can't take me away like this. 
Dewey: Like this? Would you prefer handcuffs? Guns, perhaps? 
Orsini: I want to see a lawyer. 
Stella: What are the charges? 
Ray: Fraud, conspiracy, trying to blow up a boat for starters. 
[Man 1 & Man 2 start to walk away] 
Fraser: Ah, gentlemen, excuse me, I think you can probably also help in this process. I believe you will be able to explain how you go the wheels so greasy. 
Man 1: He was right, like a bat! 
Ray: Fraser, it's how you grease the wheels. 
Fraser: Oh, how you grease the wheel, that's right. How you grease the wheel. How you grease the wheel. Right, sorry. 
[Fraser & Kowalski pull away with Man 1 & Man 2 in the back of the car. Int. of station hose] 
Ray: Well, Fraser, I thought by busting Orsini, it would make me feel better, but... 
Fraser: No, Ray, you're just experiencing PCS, Post Chase Syndrome. There's always an accompanying letdown. 
Ray: Yeah, I know. I should have popped him in the head when I had a chance. Just... 
[Welsh and Stella walk out of the interrogation room] 
Welsh: They're all spilling their guts. 
Stella: The whole Manor Point Project's corrupt. And Frank's right in the middle of it. 
Ray: Corrupt politician? What a surprise. 
Stella: It was to me, Ray 
Fraser: As it should be. You know, Ray, a cynical acceptance of the betrayal of public trust, well that's the road to ruin in a democracy. 
[Stella starts to leave] 
Ray: You want a ride? 
Stella: Yes, I do. 
Fraser: [at the same time] Yeah, thank you. Oh, sorry! 
[Kowalski leaves with Stella] 
Fraser: Well, I suppose a brisk walk in the night air will do me good. 
Welsh: It's gotta be 20 blocks. 
Fraser: I know, but if I go the long way I'll get some exercise. 
[Frannie chases after Ray] 
Frannie: Ray! Ray! *Ray!* 
Fraser: Can I help you, Francesca? 
Frannie: You want this? [hands over paper] 
Fraser: What is it? 
Frannie: I don't know, it's from some computer place, information on some serial numbers Ray sent them. 
Fraser: It's the detonator from the bomb. 
Frannie: Yeah, whatever. 
Fraser: The main circuit board came from a prototype. 
Frannie: So is that good? 
Fraser: Well, there were only three prototypes made, they never left the factory. So it stands to reason that our bomber works at the factory. Do you think you can get me a list of all the employees? 
Frannie: Yeah, sure, Frase. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. Leftenant, did Alderman Orsini actually confess to the bombing. 
Welsh: No, he said he had nothing to do with it. 
Fraser: I'm inclined to believe him. 
Welsh: Because? 
Fraser: Well, for one thing, if Ray and I hadn't intervened, he would have been vaporized. 
Welsh: Perhaps he was counting on you to intervene. 
Fraser: Perhaps, but unlikely. I think we're actually dealing with another bomber. 
[cut to Kowalski & Stella walking down the hall to her apt] 
Ray: Uh, maybe I should come in. 
Stella: I don't know, we're dangerous. 
Ray: That's a fact. 
Stella: OK, for a few minutes. 
[they walk past Dwayne in the hallway but don't recognize him since his back is turned.] 
[cut back to station house] 
Frannie: Hey, Frase, I go that list you wanted. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Fraser looks at list] 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
[picks up the phone, phone rings in Stella's apt] 
Stella: Well, whoever it is can wait. 
[Ray puts music on - "De Cara A La Pared" by Lhasa]
Stella: Oh no, not that again. [laughs] 
[Ray dances over to Stella] 
Ray: Come on. 
[Stella & Ray start dancing, his shoulder holster gets in the way] 
Stella: You need that? 
[Ray pulls out gun and sets it on the end table, they continue to dance under the moonlight out on the balcony] 
Ray: Just like the first night I met you. The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. 
Stella: I was 12. 
Ray: And I wasn't wearing my glasses because I was too vain. Remember? 
Stella: Mm-hmm. 
Ray: I could stay the night. 
Stella: You could. 
Ray: It would be perfect. 
Stella: It would be a mistake. You could stay, we could make love and it would be great, like a thousand times before. But tomorrow we'd be right back where we were this morning. Maybe a couple more regrets. 
Ray: I love you. 
Stella: I love you, too. Always will. But you know I'm right. 
Ray: No, but it could be... 
Stella: I didn't say you couldn't stay. 
Ray: Oh. 
[they kiss, someone knocks on the door] 
Ray: Ignore that. 
Stella: OK 
[they continue kissing, cut to Fraser outside the door knocking] 
Fraser: Ray, Stella, I hate to intrude, but I can hear the music, I know you're in there. [knocking] Ray! 
[Kowalski pulls open the door] 
Ray: Fraser, this is the wrong moment for a visit. In fact, of all the wrong moments for a visit, this is the wrongest. 
Fraser: No, Ray, I know this is, believe me. It's just that if Stella's life were not at risk... 
Ray: Come on in. 
[Kowalski shuts door in Fraser's face] 
Fraser: Ray. 
[Kowalski pulls door back open] 
Ray: Sorry, come on in. 
Fraser: Dwyane Weston worked for ADMT Computers, which means that the bomb was intended for Stella. 
Ray: They're picking up Weston? 
Fraser: They're looking for him now. 
Ray: So we should get Stella out of here before... 
Fraser: My thoughts exactly. 
[Ray starts to go get his gun as Fraser and Stella head for the door, but before he can get it, Dwayne enters] 
Dwayne: Get back, back inside, stay back. 
Stella: Ray! 
Ray: Drop the gun. 
Dwayne: Shut up! If I have to kill you all...stay back! [places bomb on table] 
Ray: What do you want? 
Dwayne: I want my wife back! She turned my wife against me, she ruined everything. Once she's gone, everything will be the way it used to be. 
Ray: No, no, you can't erase it like that. The things that were said, the things that weren't said...when it's over, it's over. You got to accept that. And live with it. That's what you gotta... 
Dwyane: Shut up! 
Ray: No, you shut up! That's what... 
[Fraser grabs Dwayne's arm and takes the gun, dropping Dwayne to the floor. Ray grabs his gun and puts it to Dwayne's chest] 
Ray: Twitch, I shoot you. Go ahead, twitch. 
Stella: Ray, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb! 
[Kowalski flips Dwayne to his back Fraser runs to the bomb] 
Ray: Over! Hands behind your back, hands behind your back. 
[Fraser takes bomb out to the balcony, watching the timer] 
Ray: Fraser, what are you doing? Throw it! 
Fraser: Although it's illegal, Ray, it's not uncommon to see frustrated fisherman resort to desperate measures to reach their daily limit. 
Ray: What are you talking about? 
Fraser: Well, apparently in this method of fishing, timing is everything. 
Ray: What? 
[Fraser watches timer count down to 3 seconds and then tosses it up and out into the air where it explodes without hurting the building or anyone in it] 
[cut to police taking Dwayne out of apt in cuffs, Stella & Kowalski standing in doorway. Stella kisses Ray on the cheek and goes back inside.] 
Ray: Maybe I should go home. 
Fraser: Stella will be alright? 
Ray: Yeah, she'll be just fine by herself. 
[Kowalski & Fraser walk down hallway] 
Fraser: Want to go get something to eat? 
Ray: Nah, Fraser, I think I'd like to be alone. 
Fraser: I understand. You know, Ray, what you said to Weston about not being able to go back, did you...did you mean that? 
Ray: Uh...nah, I was lying. 
Fraser: Because you had a gun pointed to your head? 
Ray: Yeah. 
[Fraser turns left down another hallway, Kowalski keeps going on his own] 
Fraser: Well, you know, I understand, or as you might say, I overstand... 
[Kowalski turns left down another hallway further down, Fraser realizes he's alone and steps back into the empty hallway and looks around for Kowalski] 
Fraser: Huh. 
[Fraser goes back the way he came. Fade out to commercial] 
[Fraser's office. Fraser is standing at his closet door where he can hear someone singing. Thatcher walks in carrying a folder] 
Thatcher: Fraser. The results are in--all in all, quite encouraging. Not surprisingly, my psychological profile was rock solid. Turnbull's mental state, however, was likened to a block of Swiss cheese, but that's hardly news. 
Fraser: And me, sir? 
Thatcher: Acceptable. 
Fraser: Well, I'm relieved to hear that, sir. [singing in background] Um, you don't by any chance happen to hear somebody singing, do you? 
[Thatcher turns and walks out without comment. Fraser looks at Dief] 
Fraser: You know, there are times I wish you weren't deaf. 
[Dief yips. Singing resumes, Fraser puts his ear to the closet door and opens it to find his father in an office behind the coats hanging in the closet] 
Fraser Sr: Come on in. Shut the door, it's cold out there. 
Fraser: In actual fact, it's 22 degrees Celsius. 
Fraser Sr: What's that in real temperature? 
Fraser: It's uh...how, how did...when....what is this? 
Fraser Sr: It's my office! And I haven't been getting enough work done, either. 
Fraser: I wasn't aware you had work. 
Fraser Sr: Well, there you go, you haven't been listening. 
[Thatcher hears muffled voices in Fraser's office and comes to investigate. No one is in the office. She walks over to the closet] 
Fraser: (muffled) While you're here.. 
[Thatcher stands outside the closet] 
Fraser: Did you ever have a partner that needed your help, but you...you didn't know how to help him? 
Fraser Sr: Yeah, there was the time Clete Brokelmeyer got stuck down a 40-foot crevasse and I only had a 20-foot rope...that the kind of thing you talking about? 
Fraser: No, no, I was thinking more along the lines of trouble with, uh, [cracks neck] a woman. 
[Fraser Sr cracks neck, too] 
Fraser Sr: All right. We threw Snuffy Briggs in a snowbank a couple of times to cool his ardor. First time it didn't work. Second time he got pneumonia and it took him out of circulation for a month. 
Fraser: That's a great help, dad. 
Fraser Sr: Good. 
[Thatcher moves to closet as she listens to Fraser] 
Fraser: You know, dad, on another subject, just...just what kind of... 
[Thatcher opens door to see Fraser standing in a dark closet filled with coats, no office.] 
Fraser: Perhaps the tests need some refining. 
Thatcher: Perhaps. 
[Cut to Ray's apt, same song by Lhasa playing as in Stella's apt before. Ray gets up from his chair to pace the floor. Alternating shots of him dancing by himself, with Stella, pacing and sitting on the arm of his chair hanging his head, kissing Stella and leaning against the window sill. Fade to credits.] 

End of Strange Bedfellows
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Seeing Is Believing

[Scene is a shopping mall -- in a central courtyard is a structure built of large stones, an Inukshuk] 
Ray: Nice pile of stones. 
Fraser: Oh, it's not just stones, Ray. An Inukshuk embodies the human spirit. Ah, you think of it as a message center. It can tell you about the depth of the snow. Or the directions to the mainland. Or where the best seals are. 
Dief: Woof woof. 
Ray: Great. If I ever need a seal, I'll know where to come. And all my friends have been asking, "Ray, where do you get all those seals?" 
Fraser: What are you saying? 
Ray: In my opinion, if you give another country a gift, you give them something practical, like when we gave you those assault rifles. 
Welsh: Hey, nice pile of rocks. 
Fraser: Oh, it's not just rocks, Lieutenant. An Inukshuk embodies 
Thatcher: [interrupting] Fraser. Everything seems to be in order, which means we have about uh ten minutes until the official dedication. 
Welsh: All right. I'm going to check out my podium. 
Ray: I'm going to go pick up some green food thing. 
Thatcher: I'm going to go get a cup of coffee. 
[Dief is sniffing around the Inukshuk and whining.] 
Fraser: Dief. 
[Focus on a trio sitting at a courtyard table. They are an older man (Mike Bennet), a younger man (Keith Warren) and a young woman (Judy Cates)] 
Warren: What's such a big deal? 
Cates: He doesn't want to work for you anymore. 
Warren: I'm just getting into some other work. That's all. 
Bennet: This doesn't happen to me! 
Warren: I'm in love with her. 
Bennet: Love. Love, love. 
Warren: This is crap. Will you leave us alone? We've got nothing ore to say. 
Bennet: I don't give a damn what you have to say. You got that? 
Warren: No. 
Bennet: You don't hear a goddamn word I have to say. 
Warren: What the hell's with you, man? 
[purse snatcher grabs a woman's bag in front of the Inukshuk] 
Woman: Stop him, someone. Stop him. 
Bennet: No. 
Cates: Stop it. Mike! 
[There is a struggle and the older man falls to the ground with a knife in his abdomen.] 
Ray: Police officer! 
[Meanwhile Fraser chases and catches the purse snatcher] 
Purse-Snatcher: Hey, what are you doing? 
Fraser: Is that your purse? 
Purse-Snatcher: Yeah, absolutely. I use it to carry stuff. Look, you put stuff in your pockets, you get unsightly bulges in your pants, right? Oh, maybe you don't know about that. All right. I'll come quietly. 
Children in nearby play center: Yay! 
[Back by the Inukshuk] 
Welsh: All right, everybody back up, please. Show's over. Show's over. We've got an ambulance coming. 
Thatcher: There's not much I can do for him. 
Ray: Try mouth to mouth. 
Thatcher: I wasn't insinuating my skills were inadequate, Detective. The man simply happens to be dead. 
Ray: Hey. Who's that? 
Fraser: A purse-snatcher. Who's this? 
Ray: Dead guy. [points to Warren] He did it. 
Thatcher: [points to Cates] She did it. 
Welsh: They both did it. 
[At the 27th precinct] 
Welsh: Neither of the suspects have any ID, and they haven't given us their names yet. I've got Jack and Dewey questioning them and we're running their prints. 
Thatcher: Are they talking? 
Welsh: Not yet. 
Ray: That figures. The victim's name was Mike Bennet. Probably connected. 
Welsh: A mob thing. 
Ray: Hasn't been nailed with anything, but the guys in organized crime are checking with the Feds. 
Thatcher: What about the witnesses? 
Ray: Other than the six people who swear the Mountie did it, nobody saw anything. 
Welsh: Oh, that's great. Two hundred people stand next to a guy who lets stabbed, and nobody sees a damn thing. 
Fraser: Well, that's not entirely true, Leftenant. At least three people did. You're all trained observers. 
Welsh: Well, we'll soon see. Let's get our statements down. [looks around empty squad room] What is this? Nobody works around here? 
Ray: They're all at the mall questioning blind people. 
Welsh: Fraser, how about you take down our three statements. 
Thatcher: I'm not sure he can do that in any official capacity. 
Welsh: He can take notes, can't he? 
Fraser: Ah, well, yes sir. In two official languages, three forms of shorthand, Cantonese, Inuktitut, . . . 
Welsh: How about English? 
Fraser: Well, yes, of course. 
Welsh: Great. You're deputized. 
[in interrogation room with Cates] 
Dewey: You know you're not doing yourself any good here. The least you could do is tell me your name. 
Cates: I want to phone a lawyer. 
Dewey: A lawyer's no good. You want to help yourself, you talk to me. I'm the only guy that can do you any good. 
Cates: I have the right to remain 
[interrogation room with Warren] 
Warren: Silent. 
Huey: Yeah, but if you're innocent, you'd be a lot smarter to tell me what happened. 
Warren: Just get me a lawyer. 
Huey: You're making a big mistake. 
Warren: I got the right to remain silent, and I'm using it. 
[Fraser takes down statements. The scene cuts back and forth between the precinct and the mall scene, depicting the content of the statements] 
Thatcher: I know what I saw, Constable Fraser. 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
Thatcher: The three of them were at the table. They were having an argument. 
Warren: She wants out of it, you understand? 
Thatcher: The older man was rather nasty and aggressive. 
Bennet: This for real? 
Thatcher: The young couple tried to get away, the older man pursued them, there was a scuffle, and the woman stabbed the older man. 
Fraser: You're absolutely sure? 
[now it's Kowalski's statement] 
Ray: Absolutely, positively sure. I know what I saw. The young guy did it. The three of them were sitting at this table, and they were fighting over the girl. 
Bennet: This hurts like hell. 
Warren: Don't you get it? She's in love with me. 
Ray: And then the young guy stuck a knife in the old guy. 
Fraser: And you saw this? 
[now it's Welsh's statement] 
Welsh: Look, Fraser, I know what I saw. This guy Benton is a hard guy. What we have here is a mob thing. Two scumbags set up a third. The three of them were sitting at a table. They were trying to get out of some deal. 
Warren: It's over. 
Bennet: This for real? 
Cates: You don't get to decide anymore, Mike. 
Welsh: She sets the old guy up so the young guy can get a good shot at him. Well, do our statements agree? 
Fraser: Well, there are certain areas of congruence, some of them significant. But on balance, not even remotely. 
[The three and Fraser go into Welsh's office.] 
Welsh: Delbert, scram. All right, what do you got? 
Ray: Uh, forensics found the murder weapon. 
Welsh: And? 
Ray: It's the murder weapon. 
Welsh: Very impressive. Constable, will you get the door, please? How about prints? 
Ray: They're unusable. 
Welsh: All right, we've got a problem, here, and we've got to solve this problem right now. The only evidence we have are our statements and those statements do not match. Now we don't get together on this, and two killers walk. 
Kowalski & 
Thatcher: [in unison] One killer. 
Welsh: Constable, will you help me on this? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. [clears throat] To summarize, Ray believes that the young man was the killer, Inspector Thatcher believes the young woman was the killer, and you, Leftenant, believe that they both conspired to do the killing together. 
Welsh: All right, so we'll go with my version. That way we don't risk anybody getting away. 
Fraser: But we do however risk incarcerating an innocent person. 
Welsh: Well, that's the court system, Fraser. We arrest them, the judges sort them out. 
Ray: But she had nothing to do with it, Lieutenant. I mean, she was probably the cause of it -- 
Thatcher: Oh! [laughs] I see. Just because she's a woman, she can't be the killer, she can only be the motive. 
Ray: Oh, it's good to be the motive, very good to be the motive. 
Thatcher: She's not the motive, she's the killer. 
Ray: She's not the killer. 
Thatcher: She's the killer. 
Ray: She's not the killer. 
Thatcher: She's the killer. 
Ray: She's not the killer. 
Thatcher: She's the killer. 
Welsh: Enough! We've got to start right back at the beginning here. Francesca! 
Frannie: Right here. 
Welsh: Oh. [Frannie runs into him with the map stand] Oof. 
Frannie: Oh, sorry, sorry. Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Welsh: All right, lay it out. 
Frannie: You know, Lieutenant Welsh, my cousin Jenny works in an office where they have a cappuccino machine. 
Welsh: A cappuccino machine. 
Frannie: Mm-hmm. Well, you see the reason I mention this at all is because our coffee is a um revolting sludge that could probably kill an ox at a hundred paces. And I just really think that a cappuccino machine would boost the morale of the entire station. What do you think? 
Welsh: I think this is a police station. It is not a social club. 
Frannie: It would probably improve your temper, too. 
Welsh: Get a longer shirt. 
Frannie: Bye, Frase 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Welsh: All right, people. Where did we first notice them? 
Thatcher: They're at the table, and they're having an argument. 
Welsh: Right. Which puts them right there. And we can assume, since they're having an argument, that they know each other. 
Ray: Of course they know each other. It's uh it's Bennet's wife or girlfriend. 
Welsh: How would you know that? 
Ray: Body language. 
Welsh: Body language. Can we confine ourselves to facts, Detective? 
Ray: Body language happens to be a fact that I am particularly sensitive to. 
Welsh: All right. We've established that they know each other, and they were arguing. We also agree upon the fact that they were seated at this table, and the young couple gets up and walks this way. What else? 
Fraser: Then there was the purse-snatching, which occurred right here, in front of the Inukshuk. I then launched off in pursuit of the suspected felon. 
Welsh: Right. Which removes Fraser from then on. What else? [notices Ray has closed his eyes] We boring you, Detective? 
Ray: No, I just see it better this way. 
Thatcher: Probably the way you saw it in the first place. 
Welsh: What exactly do you see? 
Ray: Well, mostly everybody's watching Fraser, but these guys over here are getting pretty loud. So I think there's going to be a fight. So I look over there. 
[scene shifts to the mall, depicting Ray's visualization] 
Bennet: Nobody walks out on me. Nobody! 
Ray: And sure enough, Bennet grabs the young guy. He's trying to be threatening, but he's kind of pathetic, really. 
[back in Welsh's office] 
Thatcher: He's not pathetic. He's brutal. He did the grabbing, you admit that. 
Ray: I admit that he did the grabbing, but the way that he did it was pathetic. 
Fraser: And you got this from the body language, Ray? 
Ray: Exactly. 
Welsh: All right. Can we all at least agree on the fact that it was the old guy who grabbed the young guy? 
Fraser: And you saw this, Lieutenant? 
Welsh: Sure. I mean, except for the body-language part. I mean this guy Bennet has to be a tough guy. Why would these two people come in and whack him? 
Thatcher: These two people didn't whack him. The woman did it. 
Ray: It was the young guy. 
Welsh: It was both of them. 
Thatcher: It was the woman. 
Ray: It was the young guy. 
Welsh: Both of them. 
Thatcher: It was the woman. 
Welsh: Both of them. 
[all speaking at once] 
Frannie: [over the din] Excuse me. Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Frannie: State's attorney Kowalski's here. 
Stella: The Bennet stabbing. What do you expect me to do with this mess? 
Ray: Hi, Stella. 
Stella: Back off, Ray. 
Welsh: Well for a start, how about uh we press charges against the killers. 
Stella: By killers you mean the two suspects you seem incapable of identifying? 
Frannie: We're not incapable. We got the guy suspect. We got his ID off his fingerprints right here. 
Welsh: You, uh, you just forgot to tell me? 
Frannie: No, I assumed you were busy. 
Welsh: Yeah, I was busy. I was busy on this case. And when I'm busy on a case, I like to know about these little details that come up. They're very interesting to me. 
Frannie: You know, you don't have to bite my head off. And if you had access to better coffee, you probably wouldn't want to. 
Ray: What is the name, Frannie? 
Frannie: It's on the pop sheet there. 
Ray: You mean rap sheet. 
Frannie: Okay, rap. Pop, country, classical, ska. 
Welsh: Keith Warren, a.k. Keith Earl, a.k. Warren Earl. B and E, car theft. It's mostly juvenile stuff. 
Stella: Do you have any other evidence I should know about? 
Ray: What, other than the fact that they were standing right beside him when he keeled over with a knife in his guts? 
Stella: Cut the sarcasm, Ray. 
Ray: Okay. 
Stella: So the three of you were there, and you didn't see anything. 
Fraser: Actually, ma'am, we have three very clear statements. 
Welsh: Right, we're- and we're still working through the evidence. 
Thatcher: Yes, the uh evidence. 
Fraser: Which we're working through. 
Thatcher: Yes. 
Stella: That's it? 
Fraser: Pretty much. 
Thatcher, Kowalski & Welsh: Pretty much. 
Welsh: That's about it. 
Stella: Let's just see if I've got the full picture here. You've got two mute suspects, a hundred witnesses, none of whom can identify them, no motive, and the three of you apparently were in different time zones when the crime occurred. It's amazing you can keep your jobs. These suspects will lawyer up soon. Then you'll get hit with a police harassment suit. So if you don't come up with something solid, I can't back you. You've got an hour and a half, and I cut them loose. 
Welsh: What does that body language tell you? 
Ray: We're sinking. 
Thatcher: We're sunk. 
[In Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Do you ever knock? It's simple. You make a fist and you hit the door. 
Frannie: Excuse me. If you don't want the FBI file . . . 
Welsh: Hold it. 
Frannie: Trade. File -- cappuccino machine. 
Welsh: Look, cops are supposed to drink bad coffee. We're programmed to drink bad coffee. This place would fall apart without bad coffee. 
Frannie: You don't know what you're missing. Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Welsh: All right. Give me the folder. This guy Bennet was into everything. Prostitution, numbers, extortion, gambling. Mm-hmm. This guy right here. Louie "Three Lips" Righetti. He's Bennet's brother-in-law. He's got a record as long as your arm. Johnny "The Worm" Maigot. He's second in command. Feds believe he takes care of the whole drug side of the operation. 
Ray: Okay, so he's got a suspect source of income, and he knows a bunch of guys with stupid nicknames. So what? 
Welsh: So these creeps that we've got here, they were part of the operation. They figure Bennet's getting a little slow, so they whack him. 
Thatcher: Just because he's a career criminal doesn't mean that's why they murdered him. 
Welsh: Occupational homicide. It happens every day. 
Ray: At the post office, maybe. You really think that this was a hit? 
Welsh: Why not? 
Ray: Well, 'cause it's brainless. Two guys sit down. "Hey, let's stab a guy in broad daylight with a hundred witnesses." 
Welsh: Maybe they're so smart, they do something stupid. Anybody ever think of that? 
Fraser: Could you elucidate, sir? 
Welsh: No, no, not since the late sixties. 
Ray: That's- that's uh Canadian for "explain." 
Welsh: Oh, all right. These guys want to whack somebody. They think we're smart, and they think we're on to all the smart ways to do it. So they do it dumb, right? Now, we think they can't possibly be that dumb, so we're dumb, and we let them go. But if we're smart, we realize they did it stupid because they're so smart, and we put them away. Very simple. 
Fraser: I see. The double bluff. Or is that a triple bluff? 
Welsh: Well, it doesn't matter. The point is 
Thatcher: The point is, she's still standing in the shopping mall with a bloody dagger in her hand. 
Ray: Did you actually see the knife in her hand? 
Thatcher: Well, no, but I was a little distracted. Constable Fraser was running after the shoplifter. You know, the uniform, the motion, the legs, driving like pistons, pumping like steel . . . [everyone stares at her] Something red going fast always draws the eye. 
Frannie: I know exactly what you mean. 
Thatcher: I doubt it. Nevertheless, this was obviously not a crime of logic. It was a crime of passion. 
Frannie: Oh, like in Sword of Desire. It's this great book I'm reading about this guy who has this huge-- 
Ray: Frannie! Never mind. 
Frannie: Problem, because he's dating this woman who he's in love with, but she's not really in love with him. 
Thatcher: That's not it at all. She's involved with the older man. Perhaps even married to him. Maybe loves him. But let's say he's cold and unfeeling. He treats her badly, probably abuses her. 
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you basing this on? 
Thatcher: From what I heard and what I saw. 
Ray: "What I heard and what I saw." Who are you, Sherlock Holmes? 
Thatcher: You're a laugh-riot, Detective. But if you had looked, you would have seen that she wore Cartier earrings mounted in rose gold and uncultured black pearls. Exactly the kind of gift an older man might give to buy affection and excuse his guilty conscience. 
Ray: Wow. That is one talkative necklace. But did you look at the hand? Because if you did, you would have seen she was wearing the young guy's school ring. Which means she was going out with the creep. 
Welsh: They're all creeps. She could have stole the jewelry from her grandmother, she could have lifted the ring from her brother. 
Thatcher: She and the young man were friends. 
Ray: Lovers. 
Thatcher: Friends. 
Ray: Lovers. 
Thatcher: It is possible for a man and a woman to develop a personal, platonic relationship based on friendship, a shared sense of values, and mutual respect. 
Ray: Yeah, on Mars, maybe. 
Fraser: Oh, no, here on Earth as well, Ray. I think it happens all the time. 
Frannie: Doesn't sound like much fun to me. 
Thatcher: She met the young man. 
Ray: How'd she meet him? 
Thatcher: It doesn't matter how she met him. Maybe he was her delivery boy. Maybe he was her plumber. Maybe he was -- 
Frannie: Her pool boy. Yes. Like in The Sword of Desire. Well, okay, the guy in The Sword of Desire wasn't really the pool boy. He was actually -- 
Ray: An English lord. 
Frannie: An English lord. 
Thatcher: All right! He's her pool boy. He meets her. He sees her with the older man. But he knows how terrible he is for her. He also knows she could never face him alone. So -- 
[scene shifts to Thatcher's imagination] 
Warren: She wants out of it, you understand? It's over. 
Bennet: This for real? 
Thatcher: He looked at the young man first. Then he pulled his hand away from the young woman. No, no, no, that's wrong. He yanked it away harshly. It was like he was blaming pool boy for coming between the two of them. Harshly! 
Bennet: It's him, isn't it? You couldn't do any better than a pool boy? This doesn't happen to me. 
Cates: You don't get to decide anymore, Mike. 
Warren: She doesn't love you. 
Thatcher: He grabbed her hand hard, hurting her. She could feel his brutality! 
Bennet: I'm taking you home. 
Thatcher: Pool boy couldn't stand to see it. He gripped Mike hard and yanked her away. 
Warren: We're leaving now, Mike. 
[Welsh's office] 
Ray: This is stupid. 
Frannie: Oh, quiet, Ray. 
Ray: I mean, why's he doing all this if nothing's going on? 
Frannie: Because he's giving of himself. 
Ray: He's a maroon. 
Welsh: Pool boy? 
[Thatcher's mind] 
Thatcher: [now playing the part of Cates in her imagination] Please, Mike. 
Bennet: She's my property. Nobody takes nothing away from me. 
Warren: Come on, let's get out of here 
Bennet: Can't you hear anything I say? 
Warren: The hell with you. 
Bennet: Kill you! 
Thatcher: No! [Stabs Bennet] 
Background voices: Oh, oh. 
Thatcher: [turning in her imagination to look at Warren, who has turned into Fraser] I could never let him hurt you. Never. Not after . . . 
Fraser: Sir? Sir? 
[back in Welsh's office, Thatcher is looking up at Fraser, her hand stroking his cheek] 
Frannie: Not after what? 
Fraser: I think Inspector Thatcher is referring to an incident on a train. 
Thatcher: Fraser. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Thatcher: What I'm trying to say is that it is possible to feel so strongly for another person that you would do anything to protect them. Even kill for them. 
Frannie: Yes. She killed to protect pool boy, because he was protecting her. Oh, man. This is even more beautiful than Sword of Desire. 
Dewey: [opens door to announce] They've lawyered up. 
[interrogation room] 
Lawyer: You've kept my client here for hours without any charges. She would like to leave. And unless you have a damn good reason why she shouldn't, we're out of here. 
Welsh: Your client has yet to identify herself to us, Ms. Madison. 
Lawyer: Judy Cates. A second year student at the University of Chicago. Her parents are on their way in from California. Her father is a Senior VP at Metrochem. Her mother is a federal magistrate in California. No doubt they will demand that their daughter receive full protection under the law, not the kind of kangaroo court procedure you seem to practice here. 
Fraser: Are you suggesting that money and privilege can buy justice? 
Lawyer: Are you from another country? 
Fraser: Ah, yes I am, ma'am. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I have remained, attached as liaison officer with the Canadian Consulate. 
Lawyer: You've got a punk kid in the next room with a long sheet. Do yourself a favor. Go pick on him. 
Fraser: Miss Madison, are we to assume, then, that Miss Cates was not involved in an abusive relationship with Mr. Bennet, and that she did not kill Mr. Bennet in an effort to protect the younger man, sometimes referred to as pool boy, otherwise known as Keith Warren? 
Lawyer: Are you from another planet? 
Fraser: No, ma'am, Planet Earth. 
Ray: Let's go talk to the kid. 
Cates: You're right. 
Welsh: What did you say? 
Lawyer: She didn't say anything. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 
Welsh: No, no, no. I heard something. 
Cates: I did it. I killed him. 
[interrogation room] 
Cates: It was like he said. He grabbed Keith, I took out the knife, and I just stabbed him. 
Lawyer: I'd advise you not to say another word, Judy. 
Cates: It doesn't matter. 
Lawyer: I can't represent you if you will not take my advice. 
Cates: Then don't represent me. That doesn't matter either. 
Lawyer: Fine. If that's your decision. 
Fraser: Miss Cates, I think it's a good idea you got yourself another lawyer. 
Cates: Why? I killed him. I wasn't thinking. I was scared. 
Ray: Mike was your boyfriend, right? 
Cates: I was slumming. 
Welsh: And what about Keith? 
Cates: He's just a guy Mike knows. He was helping me out. 
Fraser: May I ask you, uh, where did you carry the knife? 
Cates: In my pocket. 
Fraser: In the pocket of your jeans? 
Cates: [nods] 
Fraser: Would you mind demonstrating using this pen? 
Cates: I don't understand. 
Fraser: Oh, well, just put this where you had the knife. 
Cates: [does so] 
Fraser: Good. Now, could you pull it out as you did when you stabbed Mike? 
Cates: [pulls on pen, but it catches on her pocket and she has to pull again to get it free] 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Ray: May I ask where you got your jewelry? 
Cates: It was a gift from my parents. Why? 
Ray: I like jewelry. 
Welsh: All right, have a seat. And let's start all over again at the beginning. 
[corridor] 
Ray: [claps hands] I love you, Fraser. 
Fraser: And I you, Ray. 
Ray: No, not literally, I mean, symbolically or something. 
Fraser: No, I know. Thank you. 
Ray: I knew that Thatcher's story was a crock. But that bit with the jeans? Wow, that cinched it. I mean, she couldn't get that knife out of her jeans with a can opener. 
Fraser: No, she did seem to have a lot of difficulty with it. Although it's not unusual for people to perform amazing physical feats when they're under emotional stress. As a matter of fact, it reminds me of a fur trapper that -- 
Ray: Hey, are you going to tell me a long story about this 
trapper, Eskimo Joe, and how he could throw a grizzly bear over his head with one hand? 
Fraser: Well that sounds highly improbable, Ray. No, no, the story that I'm thinking of involves an elephant seal and a man named Tim. He didn't so much as throw it, as -- 
Ray: Save the seals. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[second interrogation room] 
Defender: What, reinforcements? 
Huey: Kid's not saying anything. 
Defender: Yeah, so let's get him into a cell or something. I can't wait around here all day while you guys decide what to do. 
Ray: You are? 
Defender: Penny Morton, public defender's office. You going to charge him or what? 
Ray: Going to cut him loose. Girlfriend just confessed to the whole thing. 
Warren: She did? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Defender: You're kidding. You mean he didn't do it? 
Fraser: You seem surprised. 
Defender: Surprised? I'm buffaloed. I see twenty people a day. They always did it. You really innocent? 
Warren: Wait a second, this is some cop trick, right? 
Welsh: It appears you get to walk, huh? 
Warren: There's no way she confessed. 
Ray: Cross my heart. 
Fraser: It's true. 
Huey: Hey, if Fraser says it, it's true. Mounties can't lie. 
Ray: Cut him loose, Huey. So long, kid. 
Warren: You guys are so stupid. 
Welsh: Oh, yeah? 
Warren: 'Cause I did it. I killed Bennet. 
Ray: I knew it. 
Defender: So did I. 
[corridor and cantina] 
Welsh: Kid said he worked for Bennet. Said he killed him over some financial disagreement. 
Fraser: He also claims Miss Cates had nothing to do with it. 
Ray: And she said he had nothing to do with it. 
Thatcher: Which supports my version of the story. 
Ray: Story, that's- that's a good word for it. She lives uh in a dormitory, gets her jewelry from her parents. Doesn't have a pool let alone a pool boy. 
Thatcher: She gave a perfectly good confession. 
Ray: So did my guy. 
Fraser: The problem is, we now have two confessions. 
Welsh: Of course. I've been saying it all along. They are covering for each other. 
Ray: Well, they're in love. Naturally they're going to cover for each other, 'cause that's what passion does. So let's say she's married to the guy. 
Welsh: Oh, married. She lives in a dormitory. 
Ray: Okay, she's the girlfriend. 
Thatcher: Exactly. He was mistreating her. 
Ray: No, he was crazy about her. He loves her. She had this sweet breath that would start the windmills turning on one of those old Dutch paintings. 
[Ray's imagination -- scene at the mall] 
Ray: [As Mike] This hurts like hell. I gave you everything. This does not happen to me. 
Cates: It's over, Mike. You don't get to decide anymore. 
Warren: Don't you get it? She's in love with me. She's dumping you. Come on, let's get out of here. 
Ray: Judy, please. Don't listen to him. He's not right for you. 
Warren: Will you leave us alone? She doesn't want you anymore. 
Ray: I want to hear that from her lips. 
Cates: Mike, just let it go. 
Ray: Is this about kids? Is that what this is about? 'Cause I can wait, and you can get your career set up, and we can have kids later. Lots of them. 
[going into Welsh's office] 
Welsh: What's this about kids? 
Ray: It doesn't matter. They argue, the kid skewered the old guy, a love triangle, oldest motive in the world. 
Welsh: No, no, no, hold on, hold on. How do kids fit into this? 
Ray: I don't know. I- I- It might have been part of their problem. 
Welsh: No, no, it think it's part of your problem 
Ray: What problem? 
Welsh: The problem that put your marriage in the dumpster. 
Ray: What does that have to do with this? 
Fraser: Uh, Ray, if I may, I think what the Lieutenant is suggesting, and this is by no means uncommon amongst police officers, you may be projecting some of your own life, some of your personality, into your deductions about the criminals. 
Welsh: That's exactly what I'm suggesting. You two keep looking for things that aren't there, like passion and romance. Forget about it. They don't exist. This world is full of creeps, and there were three of them -- 
[Welsh's imagination of the mall scene] 
Welsh: Standing right here. It's a real simple story. You got two scumbags taking down another just like this. 
[Cates and Warren stab Bennet together] 
[Welsh's office] 
Ray: You're saying they both had their hands on the knife? 
Welsh: Who cares? Look, you load a gun, you cock the trigger, you give the gun to Thatcher, she uses it on Fraser. I find out your hand was on the gun, you both go away. 
Thatcher: I would never shoot a fellow officer. 
Welsh: That's 'cause you never had Ray working under you. You'd change your tune. 
Ray: What? 
Welsh: Hey, I'd shoot you. 
Frannie: [knocks on open door] Examiner's report on Bennet. 
Fraser: Oh, may I? 
Frannie: Any time. 
Welsh: Let me guess. He was stabbed. 
Fraser: According to this document, yes. Interesting. 
Welsh: What? 
Fraser: The knife hit him with great force. Cracked two of his ribs. Also, the angle of entry's very interesting. 
Welsh: Oh, well, it's all very interesting. It still doesn't tell us whose hand was on the knife. 
Fraser: Quite right, Lieutenant. You know, there is a technique that's often very effective in situations similar to this, where precise recall is required. 
Welsh: What would that be? 
Fraser: Well, you might think that I have a hole in my bag of marbles, or that my elevator stops at the collarbone, but it's called hypnosis. 
Ray: Mumbo jumbo, voodoo, jujitsu, hocus-pocus. 
Fraser: Oh, quite the contrary, Ray. It's a very effective technique. As a matter of fact, I've hypnotized myself on a number of occasions to aid in the recovery of information. Of course, one doesn't always remember what one told oneself in the hypnotic state, so a tape recorder is almost always necessary. 
Welsh: So what you're trying to say is uh maybe one of us could remember seeing that knife. 
Fraser: It is possible, yes. 
Welsh: Well, let's give it a shot. 
Fraser: Ah, well, good, sir, if you'd be so 
Welsh: No, no, no. Use it on him. [points to Ray] 
Fraser: Ah, all right. Ray? 
Ray: Uh, n- no. I'd love to Fraser, but um I got bad eyes. 
Frannie: Oh, okay, do it on me. 
Fraser: Francesca, you weren't there. 
Frannie: Oh. Well, does that matter? 
Fraser: Oddly, yes. 
Frannie: Oh. 
Fraser: Inspector? 
Thatcher: Anything to get me out of here. 
Fraser: Now, Inspector, I want you to relax and follow the loony. Imagine you're watching a majestic herd of caribou thundering across the snowy wilderness. The wind whipping at your face. Long ago you lost all sensation in your feet. The icy fingers of hypothermia . . . 
Thatcher: Fraser, that's not relaxing. 
Fraser: It's not? 
Thatcher: No. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Thatcher: Recite the administration manual. 
Fraser: Ah. It is the duty of all members who are peace officers, subject to the orders of the commissioner, to perform those duties that are assigned to them as peace officers in relation to the preservation of peace, the prevention of crime and of offenses against the laws of Canada, and . . . Good. Now, Inspector, I want you to go back a few hours. You will find yourself in the mall. 
Frannie: Oh, good. I love shopping. 
Welsh & Kowalski [in unison]: Nice pile of rocks. 
Fraser: Oh, dear. Ray, when you hear me say the word "cauliflower." 
Ray: Cau-li-flah. 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: So you hypnotized all of us. 
Fraser: Yes, and I apologize. It would appear that the administration manual is a powerfully effective tool. I'll have to remember it for next time. 
Frannie: Fraser, um by any chance did I happen to uh reveal my innermost personal thoughts? 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: Did you get anything on me? 
Fraser: Well, it would appear that you were abducted by aliens at the age of ten. 
Thatcher: Yeah, but did you get anything important? 
Fraser: Other than that, no. 
Welsh: How about the uh, the knife? 
Fraser: Unfortunately, none of you actually saw the knife in anyone's hand. 
Ray: Great technique, Fraser. 
Fraser: Well, I did discover that there was a fourth man seated at the table. 
Ray: That's better. What did he look like? 
Fraser: Unfortunately, Inspector Thatcher is the only one who saw him, and she didn't get a particularly clear look. There is, however another technique I think we could employ to find out who he was. 
Welsh: Something like reverse psychological brainwashing? 
Fraser: No, we'll just ask. 
[interrogation room] 
Thatcher: Who was the fourth man? 
Welsh: Excuse me, this is still my case. Go ahead, answer her question. 
Ray: He was sitting at the table with you, Mike, and pool boy. 
Cates: That was just one of Mike's goons. 
Welsh: Goons? 
Cates: Yes. He always had a couple of those guys with him. Bodyguards. 
Ray: Real effective ones, too. 
Cates: Maybe they just got distracted by the purse-snatcher. 
Dewey: You know your boyfriend confessed? Said you didn't have anything to do with it. 
Cates: I had everything to do with it. It was all my idea. I just wanted to get him out of it. 
Thatcher: Out of his criminal involvement with Mike. 
Cates: Yes. Keith's a really great guy. He just never got a break. And then he got involved with Mike, and I just thought that we could  go and ask. But they just started fighting. It wasn't his fault. Mike was crazy. 
Ray: That's why Keith killed him? 
Cates: [nods] 
[corridor] 
Ray: Okay, so I got the motive a little wrong. 
Thatcher: A little? 
Ray: Well, at least I got the killer right. 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Ray: Hmm. What does that mean, "Hmm"? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: Oh, no. That means something. You don't go saying "Hmm" for nothing. That's some sort of Canadian thing, isn't it? 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Ray: He knows something he's not saying, right? 
Thatcher: Hmm. 
Welsh: What does that mean? 
Thatcher: Nothing. 
Fraser: I think we should perhaps Keith's version of the story. 
Ray: Perhaps. Hmm. 
Welsh: Hmm. 
[2nd interrogation room] 
Warren: So that's it. We went together to tell Mike I quit, and Mike went crazy. I know it looks bad, but she was scared. She didn't mean to kill him. 
Ray: Wait a minute. You're saying she killed him? 
Warren: Yeah. Well, she told you the whole story. I guess there's nothing else I can do. You know I wouldn't kill him. 
Welsh: You wouldn't kill him. 
Warren: With his guy right there? What do you think I am, nuts? 
Thatcher: Who was the bodyguard? 
Warren: Look, I'm a small-timer. I know nothing. 
Fraser: Hmm. [everyone looks at him] Sorry. 
[squad room] 
Welsh: Great. Great. Each one now says the other one did it. 
Fraser: Well, we are making some progress. At least we know why they were there. 
Welsh: Oh, that's a big help. 
Ray: I think he's stonewalling on the other guy at the table.  He has to know a name. 
Fraser: Well, very possibly, Ray, but he's obviously too frightened to talk. 
Welsh: Great. So now we're at another dead end. 
Fraser: Not necessarily. I think it's time that we question the purse-snatcher. 
Thatcher: The purse-snatcher? Why him? 
Fraser: Because I believe that the purse-snatcher was the distraction. 
Ray: What distraction? 
Fraser: Oh, uh, Francesca. I wonder, would you be so kind as to find 
out what happened to the purse-snatcher I apprehended earlier today? 
Frannie: Sure, you got it, Frayzh. 
Welsh: What do you got, there? 
Frannie: Nothing. 
Ray: Well? 
Fraser: Well, what? 
Ray: Look, Fraser, you're making me nuts. You give me a hint here or I swear I'll clock you right 
Fraser: Cauliflower. 
Ray: [like a zombie] I'm sorry, Fraser, for being so abrupt. I hope you will accept my heartfelt apology. 
Fraser: Certainly. Think nothing of it. [aside to Welsh and Thatcher] It won't last long. Post-hypnotic suggestion rarely does, but it's kind of enjoyable, isn't it? [snaps fingers] 
Ray: All right. Cut the mumbo jumbo, answer the question. 
Fraser: Certainly. Your scenarios were all more or less correct. The corollary or as you would put it, Lieutenant, the corollary, is that they were also all more or less wrong. Piecing together the fragments of the argument you all heard, I think we can safely assume that the scenario went something like this. 
[mall scene, depicting Fraser's version of the story] 
Bennet: This doesn't happen to me. 
Cates: You don't have the right to decide what to do with his life. 
Bennet: And you do. 
Warren: I'm in love with her. 
Bennet: Love? Crap. You love her all you want. You work for me. 
Warren: Not any more. 
Fraser: [voice over] You all missed the fourth man. 
Bennet: This is crap. 
Fraser: But that wasn't entirely accidental. He didn't want to be noticed. 
Warren: Will you leave us alone. We've got nothing more to say. 
Bennet: I don't give a damn what you got to say. You owe me, kid, and when you owe me, I own you. You got that? 
Fraser: The fourth man left nothing to chance. The purse-snatching was part of his cover, designed to distract everyone's attention at the crucial moment. 
Woman: Stop him, somebody stop him! 
Cates: Mike, why can't you just leave him alone. 
Warren: Forget about it. I'm not coming back. 
Bennet: No! Can't you hear a damn thing I say? 
Warren: The hell with you. 
Cates: Stop it, Mike. 
Fraser: The fourth man was hiding behind the Inukshuk. 
[The fourth man throws a knife, and the Bennet falls to the ground] 
[squad room] 
Ray: Are you saying that he threw the knife across the mall? 
Thatcher: That sounds a bit far-fetched. 
Welsh: There's nobody who could throw a knife that accurately. 
Fraser: Well, actually Lieutenant, one need only remember the five Ps: proper preparation prevents poor performance. [throws letter opener, which hits a picture on the bulletin board right between the eyes] 
Ray [impressed and turned on]: I bet you couldn't do that twice. 
Fraser: I never gamble, Ray. [throws a second time, hitting the previous knife right on the handle] 
Frannie: Hey, Frase? Your purse-snatcher just made bail. They let him out a couple minutes ago. 
[in parking lot behind precinct] 
Maigot: Hey, Dennis. 
Purse-Snatcher: Johnny. 
Maigot: Get in the car, I'll give you a ride. 
Purse-Snatcher: Ah, no thanks, Johnny. You know, I think I'll walk. All right? 
Maigot: Just get in the car. 
Ray: [from distance] Johnny! 
Maigot: [sees Ray and Fraser and starts shooting -- gunfight ensues] 
Ray: I think he's got a gun. [putting on his glasses] 
Fraser: Ray, have you considered contacts? 
Ray: Too much fuss. 
Welsh: Stop, police. 
Ray: Have you considered a gun? 
Fraser: Too many legalities. 
Ray: Oh. Look Fraser, just once I would like to say, "Rack that bad boy and cover me." 
Fraser: Ray! 
[various gunfire] 
Ray: Fraser! 
Ray: [traps Maigot in courtyard behind building] Whoa. Drop it, you've got nowhere to go. 
Maigot: [shoots at Ray] 
Thatcher: Use your gun! 
Welsh: I left it at the office. 
Thatcher: Ray, use your gun! 
Ray: Shut up! 
[Fraser is walking into courtyard] 
Thatcher: Fraser, get out of here! 
Ray: Fraser! He'll put a cap in you, no. 
Fraser: I don't think he will, Ray. 
Maigot: You don't think I'll shoot? 
Fraser: Oh, I think you'll shoot, but I think you'll discover you've spent all your ammunition. 
Welsh: It's a standard, nine rounds. 
Ray: I counted eight rounds 
Thatcher: I heard seven. 
Welsh: It was six. 
Thatcher: Seven. 
Ray: Eight. 
Thatcher: Seven. 
Ray: Eight. 
Maigot: What do you think you're doing, Red? 
Fraser: You committed a murder, and you used an Inukshuk as cover. That trespass will haunt you. 
Maigot: You judging me? 
Fraser: You violated a sacred thing. 
Maigot: Are you sure it's empty? 
Fraser: Are you sure it's not? 
Maigot: [fires, but he's out of ammo] 
Fraser: Now I imagine you will use your knife. 
Maigot: You want this knife? 
Fraser: I would appreciate it, yes. 
Maigot: Here, it's yours. [throws it] 
Fraser: [holding knife that he has caught] That was close. 
Ray: [to Fraser] Grr. [to Maigot] On the ground. I will beat you to death with this empty gun. 
[corridor] 
Maigot: Shut up. 
Purse-Snatcher: The lousy scum tries to kill me. Yeah, and he set me upon the other thing, too. I didn't know he was going to kill Mike. Tells me it was like going to be a practical joke, right? Hah.
Maigot: I said, shut up. 
Purse-Snatcher: No way, Johnny. Look, you tried to kill me. I want you put away for ever, all right? 
Welsh: Mob thing. 
[corridor] 
Welsh: So I had the big picture all along. 
Thatcher: In a pig's eye. 
Ray: What's a pig got to do with it? 
Fraser: I have no idea. 
Welsh: Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's that on your lip? 
Dewey: What's what? 
Welsh: What are these? If they're what I think they are, I'm going to 
Frannie: Okay, the double double cappuccinos are ready. The half-caf decafs are on their way, and I'm taking orders for the caffe lattes which I recommend very highly. 
Welsh: I'll kill her. I swear I will. 
Thatcher: Fraser, I'll meet you at the car? 
Fraser: Ah, yes, sir. I'll just collect my hat. 
Ray: Hmm. I sure called that wrong. 
Fraser: You called a lot of it right. 
Ray: Do you think maybe I saw it a certain way because of, you know, me and Stella? 
Fraser: Well, we all have our perspectives, Ray. There's nothing wrong with that. 
Ray: There is if you uh almost put the wrong person in jail. 
Fraser: That's right, but we did find the truth, and that's what counts. 
Ray: Right. 
Thatcher: Fraser. 
Fraser: Duty calls. 
Ray: Bellows, more like it. 
Thatcher: Constable, I'm losing my patience. We need to get back to the Consulate. 
Fraser: Eggplant. 
Thatcher: Unless of course you'd like to stay and talk to your friend for a little while longer. In fact, why don't you stay as long as you'd like? 
Fraser: Thank you kindly, sir. [to Ray] Works. 

End of Seeing Is Believing
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bounty Hunter

[Fraser and Dief enter a surprisingly empty 27th precinct] 
Dief: Woof, woof. 
[The sound of raised voices.] 
Voices: Nothing against the . . . unfair . . . when our lives are on the line . . . Our jobs must be protected 
[Fraser finds the police officers -- in a labor meeting.] 
Welsh: Organized labor in all it's glory. What do you think? 
Fraser: It seems rather disorganized to me. I keep hearing the word "strike." 
Welsh: Strike? No, no. You see, strike would be illegal. What you do is you cram fifty guys into one room, and you figure out who's going to be the first to come down with the flu. Of course. Well, what do you know? They all have the flu now. The Blue Flu. So, what appears to be a strike is not actually a strike at all. It's just fifty guys who can't wait to get home and shake hands with the unemployed. [points to ringing phone] Would you mind, please? 
Fraser: I'd be honored. 
Welsh: [on another phone] Detective's division. 
Fraser: [answering phone] Squad room. 
Welsh: Yes. 
Fraser: Uh, yes, sir. You'll have to uh you'll have to calm down. And can you tell me your name please? Henry. Uh, Henry. Do you have a last name, Henry? No, I'm not trying to be inquisitive. 
[In strike meeting] 
Huey: This offer is insulting! 
Crowd of cops: Yeah! 
Huey: They're laughing at us! 
Crowd: Yeah! 
Huey: We deserve respect! 
Crowd: Yeah! 
Dewey: I am not a police officer! I am a man! 
[sudden silence] 
[Ray wanders out into the squad room] 
Fraser: Henry, don't you see? You're creating an impossible situation for yourself. You can't be expected to know everything. No, I think you should sit down with your wife. I think you should talk to her, and I think you should listen to her. No, no, no, no, no, no, Henry, I'm not suggesting that your wife is always right, but in this case, she may well be. Yes. Well, yes, I do believe that a three-sixteenths ratchet head wrench is exactly what's called for. Yes, I am Canadian. It's my pleasure, and uh thank you kindly. 
Ray: What do you think you're doing? 
Fraser: People are calling for help. 
Ray: But you don't work here, Fraser. We do. We'll handle it. Come on, am-scray. [picks up phone] Chicago PD, Area Seven, Detective Division. 
[Janet Morse enters the squad room, looking around at the empty desks.] 
Janet: Hi. 
Frannie: Hi. 
Janet: You work here? 
Frannie: Yeah. One of the very few. 
Janet: Yeah. I'm uh Janet Morse. I'm in from uh Montana, and uh 
[Three kids enter.] 
Kids: Mom. Guys! 
Janet: Hey, hey, hey. I told you guys to wait in the truck. Robbie! 
Ray: [on phone] Your name, sir? Bob. 
Robbie: Let's see what's in this room. 
Ray: Hmm. How do you spell that? 
Janet: Honey, Annie, can you tell your sister not to be scared, please? 
Annie: Well, there's nothing to be scared about, until the swamp monster 
eats your head. 
Suzanne: Mommy! 
Janet: Thanks a lot. Sorry about this. 
Robbie: Oh boy, a Mountie! 
Frannie: They're pretty cute, actually. 
Janet: Yeah, if you're into pain. Oh, Annie, honey, would you go and get your brother for me? Sweetheart, please? 
Robbie: [now wearing Fraser's stetson] They got a candy machine. 
Janet: [to Frannie] Ah, just give me a sec, will you? Sorry. [to children] Kids, kids, hey, hey, hey! 
[strike meeting] 
Huey: Now, we've got to do what we think is right 
Janet: [pushing her way through the crowd] Sorry, excuse me. 
Huey: But if you happen to wake up tomorrow 
Janet: I'm Sorry, sorry. Excuse me. [drops her gun] 
Huey: feeling not so good, feel free to call in and exercise your right . . . Gun! 
Voices: Gun! Freeze! 
[Everyone draws on Janet] 
Janet: Hi, guys. A little touchy today? 
Suzanne: Mommy, I want to go back to the truck 
Janet: Okay, hon. 
Robbie: Mom, can I have fifty cents for the candy machine? 
Janet: In a minute, sweetheart. Momma's a little busy right now. 
Fraser: [picking up Janet's gun] Gentlemen, please. I'm sure she has a legitimate reason for having this weapon. 
Frannie: Excuse me. Want to get the gun out of my face? You can all relax with the gun action. What are you, Arnold Schwartzenegger? She does have a legitimate reason. She's a bounty hunter. 
Voices: Oh. Oh, great. 
Janet: Anybody got a problem with that? 
[Janet and Fraser find themselves looking at each other as the police all go back to their business] 
[squad room] 
Janet: [handing out chewing gum to the kids] Okay, I'm just going to be a minute, okay? So everybody don't move a muscle and be good, right? Okay? 
Frannie: So this is all the paperwork? 
Janet: Yeah. Uh, it's uh Bradley Torrance. Charges for felony weapons possession, skipped out on twenty-five thousand dollars bail. I'm in the employ of Hector J. Jones, bail bondsman, Billing, Montana, and so you've got a copy of everything, including the registration for my gun. 
Frannie: Guns. 
Janet: Yeah. 
Ray: Guns. 
Janet: Just a few. 
Ray: Bounty hunter? You're a bounty hunter? As in, uh wanted 
dead or alive? 
Janet: Dead or alive, seriously injured, whatever. Okay, give me back the gum. You know, we had a deal here. Where's your sister? Annie? 
Annie: Over here. 
Janet: Sweetheart, can you just help me out here with the kids for a minute? 
Annie: Hey. You're the mother. 
Janet: I know that I'm the mother. 
Fraser: [taking her gun] Sorry. It's just that firearms accounted for thirty-nine thousand, five hundred and ninety-five American deaths last year. Fourteen hundred and forty-one of them accidental. 
Janet: And less than half of one percent involved licensed professionals, and there were circumstances in each of those cases. 
Fraser: True enough. 
Janet: But, uh, thanks. 
Ray: Fraser, can I have a word with you? 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Frannie: So this is really cool. Have you always been a bounty hunter? 
Janet: Nah. You know, I started out in construction, and then I uh worked the rigs for a while, and then I did a little bit of trick riding in the rodeo. 
Ray: Those kids are immature. 
Fraser: Well, they're children, Ray. 
Frannie: Trick riding. Wow, that must have been . . . 
Janet: It's hard on your back. 
Frannie: Yeah. 
Janet: And you know, it's- it's murder on the kids. These- the- the hours. 
[Robbie and Suzanne are playing with a chair, banging it against the wall, which is causing a fan above them to loosen its fastenings precariously] 
Frannie: Right. 
Janet: They're just, uh 
Frannie: gruelling. 
Janet: So I thought, bounty hunting. You know, the money's good, you can set your own hours, get a little time off to spend with the kids. 
[The fan falls, and Fraser and Janet dive for it] 
Janet: Got it, thanks. 
Fraser: Good. 
Ray: Good catch. 
Janet: Thanks. You know, could you uh run a quick plate for me before I go? 
Ray: You- you want me to run a plate? 
Janet: Yeah. Could you run a plate? 
Ray: You mean, like a dinner plate? 
Janet: Is he really a cop? 
Fraser: Yes, actually, he is. Unfortunately you've- you've stepped into the middle of labor unrest. 
Janet: Blue flu. 
Ray: Yeah, we're all sick. Very sick. And as you can see, our hands are full. Very full. 
Janet: And so you can't run a plate for me. 
Ray: No. 
Janet: That's great. That's- that's really great. I really appreciate the uh professional support here, and the uh . . . Forget it, just forget it. It's okay. I'm fine. I can do it myself. Come on, kids, let's go. We're out of here. Annie, come on honey, a little smile on your face, please, a little cooperation. Come on. 
Fraser: Ma'am. Ma'am? 
Janet: What? 
Fraser: Your weapon. 
Janet: Damn it. 
Fraser: Are you all right? 
Janet: Yeah, I just- I'm not getting enough sleep. 
Ray: [playing with a game that involves a golf ball dangling from a string] Triple! [Fraser looks at him] What? Look, I can't break ranks on this. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: No, I can't. Look, Fraser, I can't! 
Fraser: Well, I heard you, Ray. I understand. 
[In Janet's truck] 
Janet: I don't need the help, you know. I like working alone. 
Fraser: [Holding Suzanne and Robbie, who are trying to fight] Well, actually, I'm not a licensed police officer in this jurisdiction. 
Janet: You're not? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid not. 
Janet: Then what the hell good are you? 
Fraser: Well, I thought perhaps I could help look after your children. 
Robbie: [trying to get to Suzanne] Yah, yah, yah. 
Suzanne: Ace! 
Janet: Well, yeah, okay. You can do that. 
Fraser: Done. 
Janet: I'm just going to warn you though, if you're going to be hanging around, I've got a bit of a temper. 
Fraser: Well, people say the same thing about me. 
Janet: Really? 
Fraser: No. 
Janet: Kind of a long way from home, aren't you? 
Fraser: As are you. 
Janet: Yeah. As am I. 
Suzanne: You're sitting on Toad. 
Fraser: Am I? Oh, dear. [in half-falsetto] Oop, oop. So I am. Ribbit. 
Suzanne: Thanks. 
Fraser: Did I hurt him? 
Suzanne: You can't hurt him. He's stuffed. 
Robbie: Bozo! 
Janet: Robbie! 
Fraser: Well, he does have a point. [to Dief, who is trying to bite the stuffed toad] Dief, do you mind? 
[Janet stops and leaves others in car while she goes to talk to blonde woman who is Torrance's girlfriend] 
Robbie: My mom makes friends really easy. 
Fraser: Well, that's an important ability to have in life. 
Annie: She does it just so she can find stuff out. 
Fraser: Well, that's important, too. 
Suzanne: Bozo! 
Robbie: You're a bozo. 
Suzanne: [points at Fraser] He's a bozo. 
Fraser: You know something? I think we're all bozos. 
Janet: [getting back in] Okay, I got you some mints. So before you start hollering that they're not up to the Holiday Inn standard, I just want you to know that they were all they had. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Janet: Well, that was the fugitive's girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend, actually. He knew her in Montana. 
Fraser: Has he contacted her here? 
Janet: Mm-hmm. Got an address. 
Fraser: Well, before we visit him, I wonder if I could make one suggestion. A potential baby-sitter. 
[interrogation room] 
Robbie: So they sit right there, the criminals? They sit right there? 
Ray: Yeah, and then we ask them questions. Like uh if somebody got whacked, we go, "You whack that guy?" 
Annie: And if they don't cooperate? Do you yell at them? 
Ray: Yell at them? Uh, I- yeah, sometimes. 
Annie: You must have kids. 
Ray: Uh, in here, not that often. 
Annie: No, I mean you. You got kids? 
Ray: Oh, me? [laughs nervously] No. I mean, uh I wanted kids but my- my wife didn't so 
Robbie: Say you caught a bad guy. So you caught a bad guy. Say you caught him, and he's a bad guy. So you take your handcuffs and you put them on the bad guy's wrists? [demonstrating with Ray's handcuff's on Ray's wrist] 
Ray: Yeah. Like that, why? [Robbie tries to fasten the other side of the handcuffs to the table leg] Nah. [laughing] No, no, no, no, no. 
Robbie: Okay. And then you get the bad guy. And then you get him in the corner. [following Ray as Ray tries to keep the handcuffs away from him] 
Ray: Yeah, sometimes we do that. [there is a clicking noise] 
Robbie: And then you lock the bad guy up. 
Ray: [now locked to a pipe] Yes, we do that once in a while, but then we let him go, so . . . Hey kids, keys! Hey, that's not buddies. I hate you. 
[The kids leave him there] 
[Outside a motel room] 
Janet: Nobody home. 
Fraser: No one's answering. 
Janet: Oh, we'd hear him breathing if he were in there. 
Fraser: True enough. Maybe we can find a manager who will let us in. 
Janet: Well, we could do that, sure, but [kicks in door] why bother him? 
Fraser: [as Janet searches the room] How long have you been doing this kind of work? 
Janet: Not long. Why do you ask? 
Fraser: You seem to have a natural aptitude for it. [examines and licks a pair of boots as Janet talks] 
Janet: Well, I grew up in Montana. And, uh, my dad was taking me hunting with him by the time I was three. You know, I got to tell you, that there is not a lot of difference between bear hunting and hunting bail jumpers. 
Fraser: I suppose not. Although I find the scent trail is much more useful with bear. 
Janet: Well, that's true. And the scat's more informative. 
Fraser: Oh, scat in the city, well, it's virtually useless. 
Janet: Especially in the winter. 
Fraser: Yeah, I know. Well, everything's . . . Uh, how much do you know about this man that you're hunting? 
Janet: Enough. 
Fraser: Is he dangerous? 
Janet: Not particularly. Three hundred bucks. [pockets money] 
Fraser: Are you planning on taking that? 
Janet: You- you have a problem with that. 
Fraser: Well, ordinarily, yes. I have a problem with theft. 
Janet: Well, sure. But uh this is evidence. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Janet: Of the fact that he has three hundred dollars. I don't usually do this, but it just means the kids and I won't have to spend another night in the truck. 
Fraser: I understand. 
[Outside the motel room] 
Janet: [sees man approaching] Hold it, sweetheart. 
Torrance: Hey. Don't shoot. 
Janet: Ride's over. 
Thatcher: We- we can cut some sort of a deal, right? 
[a car appears and a thug shoots from it] 
Fraser: Down. [pulls Janet down with him] 
Thatcher: [Runs from guys in car] 
Janet: [to Fraser, who is lying next to her looking into her eyes] Shouldn't we do something? 
Fraser: What? 
Janet: About the bad guys? 
Fraser: Oh, right, the bad guys. 
Lopez: [pointing gun at Torrance, who's gotten into a car] Get out of there. 
Janet: Torrance! [jumps into car with Torrance, grabbing for his gun and/or the steering wheel] 
Lopez: I said, get out of there. 
Janet: You rotten scumbag! 
Thatcher: You're going to get us killed! 
[meanwhile Fraser runs alongside car that shot at them and grabs Lopez's gun] 
Lopez: Get him! 
Janet: I am going to blow your head off. 
Thatcher: Let go. 
[Fraser and Janet each win their battles for the firearms, but get hurled from the moving cars] 
Janet: Sorry, my fault. 
Fraser: No, I think that was my fault. 
Janet: No, I- I couldn't get a grip on that wheel. 
Fraser: Well, I was holding a shotgun. 
Janet: Yeah, but I could have spun him out. 
Fraser: I could have blown out his tires. 
[at the 27th precinct] 
Ray: This is not some penny-ante hood, here. This smells like the real deal. So I'm thinking maybe there's something you forgot to tell us. 
Janet: Oh, I didn't realize you were working on the case. But, you know, since you ask, no. Nothing I forgot to tell you. It's Bradley Torrance. Small-time slimeball chiseler, pure and simple. 
Ray: Small-time guy with big-time guns chasing him. 
Janet: I don't know. Maybe it was mistaken identity. 
Fraser: Well, that seems unlikely, given the probability that the men in question followed us to Torrance. 
Janet & Ray: [in unison] What? 
Fraser: Well, I noticed them behind us a couple of times when you were driving. 
Janet: You might- you might have mentioned that. 
Fraser: Well, I assumed you were aware of them. 
Janet: Yeah, maybe I was and maybe I wasn't, but you know those assumptions can be dangerous. 
Fraser: You know, you're quite right. I stand corrected. 
Janet: No, no, no, no. I- I- I should have noticed. 
Fraser: Well, no, as soon as I saw 
Ray: Listen to you two. You need professional help. 
Fraser: Psychiatric? 
Ray: No, cop help. 
Janet: Well, hey, I tried. 
Ray: Yeah, but I told you, we're in the middle of something here. 
Janet: Yeah, so you keep saying. 
Ray: Look, I don't- I don't like hairbags shooting up the city any more than you do. 
Welsh: Excuse me. With all due respect to the collective illness. You think I might be able to find a detective who will work on an actual crime? 
Ray: Keep it real, man. Francesca? Can you get this shotgun up to forensics, see if you can get some prints or something off it? 
Frannie: I'm on the phone. 
Ray: I know you're on the phone. After you get off the phone, hey, hey, hey. Got the description of the shooters. I want that out to all the beat cars. Make copies of that, okay? 
Dewey: Oh, we got plenty of cases on our desks already which deserve our unfocused, undivided attention. 
Huey: Hey, no jumping the lines. 
Ray: Look, I'm going to have to deal with this later, okay? 
Janet: Yeah, sure. Well, that's fine. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Janet: No, you've been a terrific help. I should go. Okay, come on, kids, saddle up. Let's go find ourselves a motel. [checks pocket for Torrance's money] I don't believe it. 
Fraser: What? 
Janet: It's gone. That scumbag took it. The three hundred bucks.  He took it. 
Suzanne: Mommy, I'm tired. 
Janet: Okay hon, come on. [to Fraser] Can you recommend a good parking garage? Preferably one that doesn't get too much morning sun. 
[the consulate] 
Janet: Let's go. 
Fraser: Constable Turnbull? 
Robbie: Wow. 
Turnbull: Ah, sir? 
Fraser: Ah, Constable, this is Janet Morse These are her children: Annie, Robbie, Sue. 
Turnbull: Hello. 
Fraser: And they will be sleeping here tonight. 
Turnbull: Oh. 
Robbie: I want to sleep up there. 
Janet: Hey, hey, hey, hey. 
Turnbull: No no no no no. It's just that ah nobody can sleep up there. It's the Queen's bedroom. 
Annie: The Queen sleeps here? 
Turnbull: Oh, she could. Whenever she's uh in Chicago um the regal suite will always be ready for her. 
Robbie: But she's never actually slept there. 
Turnbull: No. 
Annie: Princess Di? 
Turnbull: No. 
Suzanne: Fergie? 
Turnbull: No. 
Robbie: Has anyone slept there? 
Turnbull: Oh, yes indeedy-doo. The chairman of the beef marketing board, huh? 
Fraser: I have some bedding in the uh 
Turnbull: Oh, Bobby Horse slept here once. And k.d. lang. But not at the same time, for obvious reasons. 
[Fraser's office] 
Janet: You live here? 
Fraser: Yes. Well, until I find something more permanent, which I imagine will be pretty much 
Janet: Like this? 
Fraser: Yes, I suppose so. 
Janet: Well, you don't need much. 
Fraser: No. 
Janet: It's very peaceful. 
[sound of something breaking] 
Turnbull: Hey you kids, come here! Ow! That smarts. 
Janet: Excuse me. 
Turnbull: That's quite a smack for someone your size. 
Janet: Suzanne! 
Annie: Uh oh, here comes Mom. Now you're going to get it. 
Fraser Sr.: Minute of your time, Son? 
[Fraser enters closet] 
Fraser Sr: I don't know. They said that applewood lasts longer, gives off a pleasant aroma. And that may well be true, but I'll tell you this, my son. It's damn difficult to get that stuff to burn. 
Fraser: What do you want, Dad? 
Fraser Sr.: Interesting woman. 
Fraser: Yes, she is. 
Fraser, Sr.: Nice kids. 
Fraser: [laughs] What are you trying to suggest? 
Fraser Sr.: Oh, I'm not suggesting anything, Son. It's just that lately I've been thinking a lot about grandchildren. 
Fraser: Grandchildren. 
Fraser Sr.: Yeah. Well, you know. I'm getting on. 
Fraser: Getting on? You're dead. 
Fraser Sr.: Yes, I am. And in death, I'm learning to appreciate the importance of family. All of those great times we had together, you know. 
Fraser: Dad, Mom and I saw you about once every sixteen weeks, and sometimes then you slept out with the dogs. 
Fraser Sr.: And there was always a good reason, Son. No, no. My mind is harkening back to those special times. You know, all of those great family dinners. 
Fraser: We never had family dinners. 
Fraser Sr.: Well, God willing, someone will die before Christmas and I'll have them around for dinner. Maybe your cousins, Douglas and Dwayne. They were always fun. In the meantime, make a close appraisal of this girl, Janet. She'd be good for you. She's sturdy. 
Fraser: Sturdy. 
Fraser Sr.: Yeah. 
Fraser: Great advice, Dad. Really. Top-drawer. Thank you. 
Fraser Sr.: That's all right, Son. Door's always ajar. 
[on Consulate staircase] 
Turnbull: Now, I thought we discussed this. Absolutely no going upstairs. 
Fraser: Constable, have you seen Ms. Morse? 
Turnbull: She's uh 
Fraser: All right, listen. Just continue doing what you're doing for, uh, well just continue doing it. 
Turnbull: Oh, but sir. 
Fraser: Good man. 
Turnbull: Okay, I've got an idea. I'm going to read you a classic story. Gulliver's Travels. It's a story about a man who travels around the world having adventures. 
Robbie: Like our dad? 
Turnbull: Is your dad a giant? Ow. 
Kids: [racing upstairs] Come on! 
[Ray's car] 
Fraser: I found this on a boot in his closet. I believe the mixture to be composed of mud, rubbing alcohol, straw, and horse sweat. 
Ray: Oh, I find that all very interesting, Fraser. 
Fraser: Well, my conclusion is that it comes from a nearby stables. Now, Janet, or Ms. Morse, was with me when we found it, so I believe that she will be at the stables even as we speak. 
Ray: You don't understand my position on this, Fraser. I cannot break ranks on this. 
Fraser: No, no, no, no. I understand this completely. So what I was hoping was that we could explore the possibility of pay duty as a supplement to your income. It's my understanding that it's a common practice for many police officers to lend their services in areas, say, such as crowd control, or additional security. 
Ray: Yeah, well, but 
Fraser: Right. So how much would it cost me to hire you to accompany me. 
Ray: To the stables. 
Fraser: Correct. 
Ray: Fifty. 
Fraser: Forty. 
Ray: Thirty. 
Fraser: Twenty. 
Ray: Done. 
[Consulate] 
Turnbull: Lilliputians. Lilliputians are little tiny people that make Gulliver looked like a giant. 
Suzanne: Like you? 
Turnbull: Well, I suppose I am kind of tall. 
Suzanne: He's a real bozo. 
Robbie: Yeah. I've got an idea. Just do what I say. Okay? 
Suzanne: Okay. 
Annie: Whatever. 
Turnbull: What? 
[Stables] 
Janet: [gasps] 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Janet: Oh. Kids okay? 
Fraser: Yeah, they're fine. 
Janet: Oh, good. Sorry to duck out like that. 
Fraser: Oh, it's all right. 
Ray: Look, I don't mean to interrupt, but is he here? 
Janet: Yeah, head groom said she hired a new guy about four months ago. Different name, but it sounds like him. 
Fraser: Torrance! We're here to help. 
Ray: Stop! Chicago PD! 
[Torrance escapes in a car] 
Ray: Some people you just can't help. 
[Consulate] 
Fraser: You have beautiful children. 
Janet: They're rats. But you know, when you see them like this, you remember why you really wanted them. 
Fraser: You're lucky. 
Janet: Yeah, I am. You know it's- it's really nice of you to do this. 
Fraser: Oh, it's my pleasure. 
Janet: You mean that? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Janet: You miss home. 
Fraser: Yes. You? 
Janet: Oh, yes. You got a place? 
Fraser: Mmm-hmm. Fortitude Bay. It's a four-day hike in from Chilkoot pass. It's very peaceful, well, once you get past the lava springs and the polecats and the poisonous tundra beetles. You? 
Janet: Yeah. Yeah, I do. I've a 
Fraser: Here let me, I'll move this. 
Janet: I've got a cabin just by a waterfall. Outside Whitefish? Yeah, built it myself. It's a pretty little place but, I don't know, I don't get up much there anymore, and
Fraser: It's very easy to become disconnected. 
Janet: That's right. It is. You know, these problems come crowding in and, and everything's racing, and I get to the point I just feel like I'm never going to feel that peace and comfort again. 
[stretching] Ahh. 
Fraser: You might feel a little more comfortable without the ankle holster. 
Janet: Oh, right. I forgot about that one. I don't know. It's just- it's just hard sometimes, holding this whole thing together. 
Fraser: I'm sure it is. 
Janet: It's kind of lonely and uh . . . oh, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I just . . . I just feel like I can trust you. Can I trust you? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Janet: Can I trust you to kiss me? 
Fraser: I, uh . . . [bends toward her] 

Fraser Sr.: Resist. 
Fraser: I can't. 
Janet: You're right. No, you're right. 
Fraser: No. No, I didn't mean 
Janet: No, I've got those three kids in the other room. I've got this husband I got to settle up with. I just feel like I know you. 
Fraser: I know. 
[Janet leaves] 
Fraser: [to Fraser Sr.] Well, thanks a lot. 
Fraser Sr.: Look at that face. Like a young cadet who just snuck a radiologist into the dorm. 
Fraser: What are you talking about? 
Fraser Sr.: Well don't get all stroppy. It was long before I met your mother. 
Fraser: What is wrong with you? 
Fraser Sr.: Some people are vulnerable. Their force is at a low ebb. You know, it's not right to take advantage of people in such a position. 
Fraser: Oh, you're right. I- I behaved improperly. 
Fraser Sr.: Not you. Her, son. You don't want to rush into these things. 
Fraser: What kind of thing? 
Fraser Sr.: You're building a house. Do you want to start with the roof? No. You start with the foundation, one brick on another brick, then the floor, then some walls, a couple of windows, gabled something would be nice, and an aerial [?] or two, bit of stained glass, then you think about the roof. 
Fraser: By any chance do they have any psychiatrists in the afterworld, I mean, someone who could help you? 
Fraser Sr.: Let's face it, Son. You need somebody, and I think this Janet has got a lot to recommend her. She's bright, capable, and above all, she's sturdy. But you got to take it one step at a time. And all this house stuff that I've been building up to, she could be your foundation. 
Fraser: Do you mind? 
Janet: [coming back into the office] Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm uh I'm going to sleep in the- in the other room with the kids on the floor. 
Fraser: No, no, no, no, no. Please, you sleep here, and I'll, uh, I'll make other arrangements. 
Janet: No, I can't, I 
Fraser: Please. 
Janet: You're sure? 
Fraser: Okay. 
Janet: Okay. 
Fraser: Good night. 
Janet: Good night. 
[Consulate hallway outside Fraser's office] 
Thatcher: Fraser. Fraser! 
Fraser: [wakes up] Good morning, sir. 
Thatcher: What's going on? 
Janet: [coming out of office] Morning. 
Fraser: Morning. 
Janet: Toothpaste? [Fraser points upward] Great. 
Fraser: Uh, your, uh 
Thatcher: Office. 
Fraser: Right. Oh, dear. 
[Thatcher's office] 
Thatcher: Tell me something, Constable. Are we running a five-star hotel? 
Fraser: No, sir. 
Thatcher: A fly-by-night motel? 
Fraser: No. 
Thatcher: Is it a drop-in center? 
Fraser: No, sir. 
Thatcher: An orphanage? 
Fraser: No. 
Thatcher: Perhaps, then, it's a bordello. 
Fraser: No, sir. 
Thatcher: So in conclusion, this is not a place where travellers sleep, nor is it a daycare center, and it is most definitely not an institution where you would bring wayward women to satisfy animal needs and unmentionable underwear. 
Fraser: Do you mean "desires," sir? 
Thatcher: That's what I said. 
Fraser: So you did, yes. 
Thatcher: Good. I'm glad we agree. I await your full report with bated breath. Dismissed. 
Turnbull: [bound and gagged behind Thatcher's desk] Mmmm hmm hmm. 
Thatcher: Fraser! [removes tape from Turnbull's mouth] 
Turnbull: [laughs] Oh, those kids, sir. What a hoot! 
[27th precinct] 
Frannie: We got lucky. The prints on the shotgun match the fingers of this guy. 
Fraser: That's the shooter. 
Frannie: His name is Harvey "The Nail" Lopez, and he works out of Denver for some mob man. 
Ray: Mob guy. 
Frannie: Guy. Man. Dude. You going to split a hair over this? The Nail is from Denver, and he works for Lester "The Bull" Rivers. Where do they dream up these names, or do they look through some big book to find them? 
Ray: They got a big book. Uh, long-term bad guy, suspected in three homicides. Hard-core pro. 
Fraser: And what's the connection between Bradley Torrance and organized crime? 
Ray: Ask her. She's the one who's looking for him. 
Janet: For bail-jumping, not for a major crime. 
Ray: Oh, and you just happened to have a couple of hit men, trailing behind you in a car. 
Janet: So what are you implying? 
Ray: I suppose you didn't know that this Torrance is on the run with a bagful of mob money. 
Janet: Bradley? 
Ray: Bradley. Organized crime squad in Denver says that uh he ripped them off for a couple of mil. Say there's a contract out on him. I suppose these guys are here to fill it. Maybe with a little help. 
Janet: So you think I'm working with them? 
Ray: Well, they just couldn't waltz in here and get the police to help them, now, could they? 
Janet: No, Mother Theresa couldn't walk in here and get any help. 
Ray: Cause she can't walk, for one. 
Fraser: All right, all right. Excuse me. I think we should concentrate on trying to find Bradley Torrance. Now we know that he's got two contract killers after him. There will undoubtedly be additional bounty hunters. He can't return to his motel room because the police on the street are looking for him. 
Janet: Well, if there were any police on the street. 
Fraser: Well, what would he do in this situation? 
Janet: He'd find a woman to help him. 
Ray: Wait, more bounty hunters? 
[bar] 
Girlfriend: Look, I haven't seen him for days. 
Janet: Aw, come on, Helen, we're just trying to help. 
Girlfriend: Like I should really believe that. 
Janet: I know I shouldn't have said I was his sister, but 
[three bounty hunters enter bar] 
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Gentlemen! Chicago PD. 
Bounty Hunter 1: We're the bounty hunters. We want Bradley Torrance. 
Janet: Yeah? Well, get in line. 
Bounty Hunter 2: [spots Torrance in back of bar] There! Get him! 
[Torrance runs for his car outside.] 
Bounty Hunter 3: It's all over. 
Bounty Hunter 2: You're going back to Big Sky Country. 
Bounty Hunter 1: Hey, I saw him first! 
Bounty Hunter 2: He's mine. 
Bounty Hunter 3: He belongs to me! 
Janet: [shoots into air] He's mine. I laid claim to this stake long before you boys even heard his name. 
Bounty Hunter 3: You think so? 
Janet: I know so. January thirteenth, nineteen eighty-six. South Ridgeway Baptist Church, eleven thirty-five A.M. I married this schmuck. He's mine. 
[bar] 
Torrance: Well, here we are. Who would have thought it would come to this? 
Janet: My mother, my sister, most of my girlfriends. 
Girlfriend: Why didn't you tell me you had a wife? 
Bounty Hunter 3: You lied to your woman? 
Bounty Hunter 2: Can't build a relationship on mistrust, man. 
Ray: I guess you didn't think was important to tell us he was your husband. 
Janet: You know, I don't get any help from the cops if I tell them I'm after a deadbeat husband. Especially not my own deadbeat husband. [to Fraser] But I, uh, I should have told you. 
Bounty Hunter 1: Why, you got something going with hot boy, here? 
Janet: Hey. What's it to you? 
Bounty Hunter 1: Well, I'm a student of human nature. 
Torrance: What is a Mountie doing here, anyway? 
Ray: His name is Constable Benton Fraser. He first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of his father, and for reasons that do not need explaining at this juncture, he has remained a lesion 
Fraser: Uh, liaison, Ray. Attached as liaison with the Canadian consulate. You know, it may be possible that your husband had a reason for leaving. 
Girlfriend: Yeah, he's a pig. 
Fraser: Well, apart from that. A different reason. 
Torrance: Right. What would that be? 
Fraser: I'm referring to the killers who are pursuing you. It might be that he didn't want to lead them to his family. 
Bounty Hunter 2: That takes guts. 
Torrance: Ha. Didn't think of that, did you? A lot of guys would have led armed men to their families. Not me. If that's a crime, I'm guilty. 
Bounty Hunter 1: Hey, give the guy a chance. 
Janet: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He left six months ago. 
Ray: Excuse me, excuse me. I hate to break up a love connection but we got the matter of an outstanding warrant. So I'm going to take our little friend down to the station and sort it out. 
Torrance: No, this is all a big mistake. 
Ray: It usually is. 
Torrance: Wait, no, I'm serious. It was just my- stupid. 
Janet: Yeah, well that much I could believe. 
Ray: Hey, you fart-handles pull those weapons in Chicago, you can say good-bye to them, okay? Let's go. 
Torrance: Listen, I- I was playing the horses. I wound up owing Lester Rivers around fifty grand. So he says- he says he's going to forget the whole thing if I just do- run this little errand for him. 
Fraser: Excuse me. [sniffs Torrance's fingers] 
Torrance: What- what are you doing? 
Fraser: Nothing. No, I'm sorry. Please, carry on. 
Torrance: I thought you were going to kiss it. He wasn't going to kiss it, was he? 
Ray: You're lucky he didn't lick it. 
Torrance: So anyway, I go. I pick up this package from these two very nasty-looking guys to take back to Lester and I open the package. Well, did you ever see two million dollars? Huh? Well, I'm looking at it, it's all green and beautiful and I'm thinking this is the last chance I got to do anything for us, you know, for the kids. So- so I lie low for a few days. And I- and then I hear there's like this contract out on me. And I figure maybe this- this hasn't been the best move that I ever made. So I- I go, I buy a couple of guns from this guy that I know and they bust me for that. Look, I bail myself out, and I run. 
Fraser: To protect the children. 
Torrance: Right, right. To protect them. And Janet. [to Janet] Look, you don't know what it's like for me. You earn the money all the time. What it does to my self-respect. 
Janet: Oh. So what you're saying is, you're not really a deadbeat. You're just really, really stupid. 
Torrance: Right. 
Ray: Hup, two. Get in the car. 
Fraser: Look out! 
[thugs drive up, shooting, and Torrance runs toward their car] 
Ray: Hey! Chicago PD. 
Rivers: Come here! 
Torrance: Lester. 
Rivers: Get in! Get in the car! Go! 
[Torrance jumps/is pulled into car. Car drives off. The three bounty hunters follow.] 
Janet: Damn it! Damn, damn, damn. You just let him get away. 
Ray: I didn't let him. You let him get away. 
Janet: You are some crackerjack cop. 
Ray: Hey, hey. Your husband. 
Fraser: Excuse me. I think the question we should be asking ourselves is, where did they take him? Now, judging from the amount of mud and manure under his fingernails, my guess is that they've taken 
Janet: Stables. 
Fraser: Correct. Ray, shall we? 
Ray: Yeah. You realize, of course, that this is going to cost you. Another fifty. 
Fraser: Forty. 
Ray: Thirty. 
Fraser: Twenty. 
Ray: Done. 
Janet: You pay this guy? 
Fraser: Canadian funds. 
[At stables] 
Torrance: [digging a hole] I don't know why this has to be so big. 
It's only a bag. I mean, you could bury a body . . . 
Rivers: Just do it, okay? 
Torrance: Lester, I'm giving back the money. You said if I give back 
the money, you were going to let me live. 
Rivers: Dig. 
[middle of nowhere] 
Bounty Hunter 2: I thought you knew where we were going? 
Bounty Hunter 1: What are we going to do now? 
Bounty Hunter 2: What the hell? 
Bounty Hunter 3: Don't give me that. 
Bounty Hunter 2: Who thought you were right in the first place? 
[They fight] 
[at stables] 
Ray: I'll call for backup. [dials] Vecchio. Uh, it's an emergency at the racetrack. I need backup. Don't put- don't put me on hold. 
Fraser: I think it's advisable that we wait for Ray. 
Janet: Yeah. That strike ought to be over in a month or so. 
Fraser: I have no arrest authority here. 
Janet: I do. 
[Fraser and Janet enter barn] 
Janet: Hold it! 
Rivers: You want him dead or alive? Drop the gun. 
Torrance: Don't do it, Janet. They'll kill you. 
Janet: That was really unselfish of you, Bradley. 
Torrance: Thank you. 
Rivers: Okay, so he's a nice guy. I'm still going to kill him. 
[Janet tosses down her gun] 
Torrance: Thanks. You shouldn't have done that, but thanks. 
Janet: Yeah, well, I did it for the kids. 
Rivers: Shut up! Toss me that bag. Give me that bag. Get it up here. Watch it. 
[Ray sneaks up and tackles Thug] 
Janet: Down! 
Fraser: Good work, Ray. I'll get the other one. 
Ray: Down! 
Janet: Watch this one real good for me, okay? He's worth twelve hundred bucks. 
Ray: Kiss the dirt! Kiss the dirt. Get down there. I don't want to see you. 
[Rivers races off and steals a motorcycle. Fraser chases on foot.] 
Janet: Fraser! Fraser! 
[She has two horses -- Fraser leaps into the saddle of the second one. They chase, and Fraser tackles Rivers] 
Fraser: Good riding. 
Janet: You, too. 
Fraser: Oh, thank you. Thank you kindly. Oh, I- I thought I sort of drifted to the left a little, there. 
Janet: Oh, no, no, not at all. You know, actually I was crowding you a little. 
Fraser: Oh, no. No. Its, uh, I'm very inexperienced. 
Janet: Really? Well, you have a wonderful natural aptitude. 
Fraser: You think so? 
Janet: Yes, yes. You ever think of uh riding trick in a rodeo? 
Fraser: No, no. Although you know, now that you mention it, I was once involved in something that resembled trick riding on a renegade bison on the main street of Vegreville, a town that's noted for its enormous painted egg. Oh, my hat. You see, the bison . . . 
[squad room] 
[Torrance is playing with kids, spinning in a desk chair] 
Robbie: Faster, faster, faster. 
Annie: I can't go faster. 
Welsh: Constable? 
Fraser: Lieutenant. 
Welsh: Glad to see you were able to shake that nagging flu, Ray. 
Ray: No one's happier to be back at work than me, sir. 
Dief: Woof, woof, woof. 
Fraser: They're nice kids. I hope their father doesn't have to go to jail. 
Ray: Yeah, working on a deal to testify against uh Lester Rivers. Immunity, witness protection, the whole eight yards. 
Janet: Bradley, you know, you do something stupid like this again, and I'm going to bunch a hole in your back and pull your spine through and beat you over the head with it. 
Torrance: That sounds fair, Janet. 
Janet: Yeah. 
[in corridor] 
Janet: So anyway, I'm going to work out some arrangement with Bradley. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Janet: Oh, no, nothing like that, no. I mean, he can come and stay on the weekends or something, but not- I've got this shed that I'm going to make into a bunkhouse and you know, he can stay out there. It's not like he's a great dad, 'cause, I mean, hell, he's not even a good dad, but you know, the kids need to see him so I- you know, what can you do? You just 
Fraser: I understand. 
Janet: Well, anyway, I just wanted to say, you know, thanks for all your help, and 
Fraser: It was my pleasure. 
Janet: Oh, you were great. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Janet: Well, so, bye. 
Fraser: Okay. 
[They walk away from each other] 
Fraser: Hey, you know something. 
[They come back face to face] 
Fraser: You can trust me. 
Janet: Yeah, I know. 
[They kiss] 
Janet: See you. [leaves] 
Fraser Sr.: A man always feels better when he's done his duty. 
Fraser: [blinking back tears] Dad, when you were alone out there without Mom, did you ever feel lonely? 
Fraser, Sr.: Oh, every second, Son. Every second. 
Fraser: That's what I thought. 
Ray: Hey, buddy, let's get something -- [stops, noticing Fraser hasn't turned to look at him] Uh, I know you're a little short of cash, but uh I'm flush, so I'm buying. Look, it'll be all right.  [He flings his arm around Fraser, and they walk down the hall…] 

End of Bounty Hunter
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mounty and Soul 

[A neighborhood gym is set up for a boxing match. Most spectators wear either purple or yellow articles of clothing. Some sit in stands, some stand on overhead catwalks. Fraser and Ray walk toward the ring.] 
Ray: No, no, no, Fraser, trust me. You don't know this world. It's got its own code, it's own rules, its own lingo - 
Fraser: You may be surprised, Ray. I am not unaccustomed to programs designed to help disadvantaged youths. As a matter of fact - 
Ray: These youths aren't disadvantaged. They're gang members, okay? This gets them off the streets, gives them something positive to do, blows off a little steam. 
Fraser: Well I fail to see the difference between that and the wildfowl rescue program that I helped organize in - 
Ray: You want to know the difference? In this program, you try to separate your opponent from his head. 
Fraser: Ah. Pugilism. 
Ray: Not pugilism, Fraser. It's boxing. And remember about the lingo. [a young man approaches] Uh, Levon, this is my friend Fraser. 
Levon: Hey Fraser, what's up? 
Fraser: Well, the Chicago Mercantile Exchange is up, uh, Ray's hair is up. 
Ray: He's Canadian. 
Levon: Oh man, shot out. 
Ray: Shot out. Funny. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Francesca: Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Ah. Francesca. 
[Ray and Levon move off toward the ring. Dief whines.] 
Francesca: What's with him? 
Fraser: Oh, he won't speak to me. 
Francesca: How come? 
Fraser: Well, the alarm clock went off at five and he refused to budge so I reprimanded him for being slothful. 
Francesca: Five? Isn't that, like, dark? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Levon: Yeah, look at it. I'll be up there. I'll be dancin', messin' my man's face all up. 
Ray: That's- that's a- that's a good attitude. Now, boom-boom, dance yourself back to the locker and don't get too cocky. 
Levon: I'm not cock- 
Ray: Don't get too cocky. 
Levon: I'm not cocky. I'm the best. 
[Levon passes Fraser on his way to the locker room.] 
Fraser: Good luck, son. 
Levon: Yeah. 
[Francesca and Fraser join Ray ringside.] 
Francesca: The guy wins a couple of little league fights, thinks he's Muhammad Ali. 
Ray: Look, you wanted to come, Francesca, I said you could come but I did not say you could criticize. 
Francesca: It's just a little comment, bro. 
Ray: And it wasn't little league, it was, uh, Community League, and it wasn't a couple of fights, it was all of 'em. 
Francesca: Whatever. 
Ray: He's the best fighter I ever trained. 
Francesca: Isn't he the only fighter you ever trained? 
Ray: Yeah, and tonight he fights against a pro and if he wins he could be goin' all the way. 
Fraser: All the way to where? 
Ray [climbs into the ring, tripping over the ropes, then shadow boxes]: Up the, uh, up the ranks, uh, to the top. What do you think? Ooh-ooh-ooh. Boom-boom-boom-boom. Boom-boom. Ummm. 
Voices from spectators: Look at the Great White Hope. . .What's he doing? What's he doing with that? 
Ray: I still got all the moves. I coulda been- I coulda been- I coulda been - 
Francesca: A contender? 
Ray: Yeah. How'd you know? 
Francesca: Lucky guess. 
Fraser: I wasn't aware that you'd had a boxing career, Ray. 
Ray: Ah, it wasn't exactly a career. It was more of a - 
Francesca: A disaster? 
Fraser: A hobby? 
Francesca: A meltdown? 
Fraser: Pastime? 
Francesca: Nightmare? 
Ray: Look, you're both very very funny. But, uh, I had to quit when I, uh, got married to Stella cause she didn't think it was, uh, what's the, uh-? 
Francesca: Civilized? 
Ray: That's it. 
Francesca: Yeah. 
Man: Yo, Ray! 
[A group of young men wearing yellow approach.] 
Ray: Hey. 
Man: Yeah, man, we're gonna show 'em tonight? 
Ray: You know it, Homes. 
Man: Yeah. 
[The group moves on.] 
Francesca: And those would be? 
Ray: Uh, fans. 
Fraser: Fans? 
Ray: Cabrini Gangsters. Levon's gang. 
[Taunts echo back and forth among the spectators.] 
Fraser: And I would imagine those would also be fans? 
Ray: The Rollin' 22's. The other guy's, uh, gang. 
Fraser: I see. So. . . so each fighter then comes equipped with his own gang? 
[Ray and Fraser walk with the opposing trainer and his assistant back toward the lockers.] 
Devlin: Vicchio, are you sure you want to do this? My boy's pretty good. 
Ray: It's Vecchio. So's mine. 
Devlin: Well, you know I've trained a few, but Deron could be the best ever. 
Ray: Oh yeah? Better than Sugarman? 
Devlin: Bigger and faster. I wouldn't want your boy to get hurt. 
Fraser: Ray, could you tell me please, this Sugarman - is that a first name or a last name? 
[Devlin and his assistant look at Fraser.] 
Devlin: Where you from? 
Ray: This is Constable Benton Fraser. He-first-came-to-Chicago-on-the-killers-of-his-father-he's-Canadian-you-don't-want-to-know. Bare knuckle fighter. 
Fraser: Well, no, Ray, I only wrestle bears. 
Devlin: Okay. Good luck. 
[Devlin and his assistant leave; Ray and Fraser continue on.] 
Ray: He's trying to psych me. Franco Devlin is trying to psych me. 
Fraser: That's a good thing, I take it? 
Ray: Umm, it's fantastic! He's a legend. He's one of the great trainers. And he's trying to psych me? That means his guy's in trouble. If his guy's in trouble, that means we got a shot. 
Fraser: Who is the Sugarman? 
Ray: He was going to be the next heavyweight champion of the earth. Devlin trained him 'til he got big, then Sugarman dumped him. 
Fraser: Why? 
Ray: He got a guy with more juice from ICM. Devlin's great at developing a fighter but he's not that good at building a career. 
Fraser: You seem to know a lot about this. 
Ray: Uh, sure, I read Ring World every week. 
Fraser: Now let me see if I've got this straight, Ray. When he said his fighter was bigger and - 
[Ray puts his index finger to his lips.] 
Fraser [softly]: Bigger and stronger than the Sugarman, was he lying? 
Ray: Uh, if he wasn't we're sunk, cause nobody's bigger and faster than the Sugarman. 
Fraser: Ahh. 
[The fighters are in the ring for introductions. The other fighter says something to Levon. Ray and Fraser watch from ringside near Levon's corner.] 
Fraser: He's very big. 
Ray: Yeah, well, it's not about size, Fraser. It's, uh, you know, it's, uh, speed, uh, what's in the brain plate. It's psychology, you know? 
Fraser: Ah. 
[Levon returns to his corner.] 
Ray: What'd he- what'd he say to you? 
Levon: He said he loved me. 
Ray: Look at him, look at the size of him. He's a freak. He does not love you. He wants to kill you. 
Levon: Umm-hmm. 
Ray: Okay, so, you stick and move, stick and move. 
Announcer: Round One. 
[Bell rings for round 1.] 
Ray: Let's go, let's go, let's go. . . on your toes, on your toes, on your toes. . . Levon, let's go, let's go. . . come on. . . keep your eye. . . [to Fraser] He's really fast. 
Fraser: He's really big. 
Ray: He's really big and really fast. [to Levon] Up, up, up, up. . .shake it off, shake it off, come on, shake it off. 
[In the stands, Welsh sits with Francesca.] 
Welsh: See the hot dog guy? 
Francesca: You can eat? They're bleeding up there. 
Welsh: Blood never spatters this far. 
[Bell ends round 1.] 
Ray [pulls out stool for Levon]: Let's go, let's go, let's go. 
Levon: He's killin' me. 
Ray: Nah, you're doin' great. 
Levon [to Fraser, who is liberally sponging water over his head]: He's killin' me, right? 
Fraser: Yes, it would appear so. 
Ray: You know, you just keep runnin' around, runnin' around, tire him out. Fraser, don't drown my fighter. 
Fraser: Oh, right you are, Ray. 
Levon: The ring is only built so big. 
Ray: Yeah, but every step he takes is killin' him. So you just keep him movin'. You just keep him movin', okay? 
[Bell sounds for round 2.] 
Welsh [in stands]: Yo, hot dog here! 
[Levon goes down] 
Ray: Come on, up, up, up, up, up. Let's go, let's go, shake it off, shake it off. . . Levon, shake it off, let's go. 
Francesca [in stands]: Come on, hit him! 
Ray: Let's go. . . wow. . . move out of the corner, move-move-move-move, run away, run away from - 
[Bell ends round 2.] 
Ray: Let's go, let's go, let's go. That's great, Levon. You're wearin' him down. You just stay outta the corner. You go to him. Remember, you keep movin', keep movin', weave, weave. . . 
[Bell sounds for round 3.] 
Ray [to Fraser]: Fraser, he would have hated himself if I didn't send him back in there, okay? 
Fraser: I see. 
Ray: Okay, he takes one good punch, we throw in the towel. 
Fraser: Do you have a towel? 
[The other fighter is suddenly unsteady; Levon takes advantage.] 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah! 
Francesca [in stands]: Come on! Hit him again! 
Ray: Move on him, move on him. . . 
Welsh: Yeah! 
Ray: Kill 'im, kill 'im, kill 'im. 
[Bell ends round 3.] 
Ray: Yeah! 
Welsh [in stands]: Yeah, yeah! 
[The other fighter kneels, supported by the ropes, unmoving; everyone becomes aware something is wrong.] 
Levon [to doctor working on Deron]: He'll be okay, right? 
Doctor: Don't know yet. 
Jamal: Keep away from him! 
Levon: What? 
Devlin [to Jamal]: You want to do some good, you stick with your brother. 
Jamal: Step off, old man. 
Devlin's assistant: Don't touch Franco. 
Devlin [softly to Ray]: This is not a good place for your guy to be. 
Welsh [pushes way into crowded ring]: There's no more to see! Clear it out! Get your butts out of here! Come on! 
[Levon, Ray, Fraser, and Devlin are in the locker room.] 
Levon: He was killin' me! He was! I- I couldn't even hit him. Then he just kinda got shaky and I started to get some shots in. I shoulda known he was sick. I shoulda quit. 
Ray: Look, it wasn't your fault. 
Levon: Wasn't nobody else in there hit him. 
Devlin: You were both there to fight. You both knew there were risks. 
Levon: I could have eased up on that last punch, you know. But I was thinkin', if- if- if I could shake him up a little, if I just hit him in the head a couple times, if I. . . 
Devlin: Son, son, son. I've seen a lot of fights and a lot of vicious fighters. You're not one of them. Now what happened out there was an accident, plain and simple. You don't want to be beatin' yourself up over that. [turns to Ray] I better get to the hospital. You take care of your fighter. 
Ray: Yes, sir. 
Devlin: Levon, it was a fair fight. You remember that. 
[Devlin leaves.] 
Levon: I gotta see him. 
Ray: Levon, I'm not sure that's such a good idea. 
Levon: I gotta know how he is. 
Fraser: Perhaps it would be a better idea to wait until tempers have cooled down a little. 
Levon: Look, you don't know my hood, man. Things don't get cool there. 
Ray: Well that's another good reason not to go to the hospital. 
Levon: I gotta know. 
Ray: All right, I'll go with you. Okay? 
Levon: All right. 
Ray: Okay? 
Levon: Okay. 
Ray: Cool 
[Outside the building several gang members are still standing around.] 
Ray: Jamal, how's your brother doin'? 
Jamal: Don't be steppin' to me like you care. 
Levon: I care. 
Jamal: You won. That's what it's about, right? 
Fraser: Surely it's about more than that. It should be about competition and fair play. 
Jamal: It's about winnin'. Everybody knows that. You win, you move up. You lose, you go down. 
Levon: How's he doin'? How's Deron doin'? 
Jamal: Well, he's got some kinda coma thing. They don't even know if he'll make it or not. Which makes him a loser. Big time. 
Levon: Hey, look, I know you're not gonna believe this, but I'm really sorry. 
Jamal: You don't know what sorry is yet, chump. But you're gonna. [Levon turns to leave.] Don't you do that. 
[fight ensues but ends when Ray pulls out badge and gun and shoots a few rounds into the air] 
Ray: Chicago PD! Hit the dirt! Hit the dirt! [looks around] Where's Levon? 
Fraser: Where's Jamal? 
Ray [to men on ground]: Stay! 
[At the station, they place two handcuffed gang members in front of the desk sergeant.] 
Fraser: All I'm saying, Ray, is that Jamal had a point. 
Ray: On the top of his head. 
Fraser: No, the emphasis on winning over everything else tends to exacerbate the dangers of boxing. 
Ray: What is that supposed to mean? Is that because I said 'kill him'? This is lingo, this is what I'm talking about. When I said 'kill him,' I, you know, meant 'hit him.' 'Win.' Not 'kill him.' 
Desk Sergeant: Detective Vecchio? 
Fraser: I know that and I'm certainly not trying to suggest that you were encouraging a homicide - 
Desk Sergeant: Guys? 
Ray: Levon is a good kid. I mean, he wasn't tryin' to kill anybody. I mean, you box, you get hurt. That is just par for the course. 
Fraser: Well if that's the case, then perhaps protective helmets would be a good idea. 
Desk Sergeant: Are you booking these guys or are they just part of some colorful parade? 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, we're bookin' 'em. [turns back to Fraser] Helmets? 
[Ray and Fraser are walking through the station corridors.] 
Ray [laughing]: Come on, Fraser, you're not serious about this helmet thing. 
Fraser: Well, why not? 
Ray: Because it's the sweet science. Boom-boom-boom. It's an art. You'd put a helmet on an artist? I think not. 
Fraser: Well, no, but artists don't tend to get hit in the head on a regular basis, although you know, it is widely rumored that Hieronymus Bosch used to repeatedly bang his skull into his easel to stimulate his vision. 
Ray: I love that but think about auto racing. I mean, they make it safe, what's the point? 
Fraser: What are you saying? That the point is the danger? 
Ray: No, boxing is the point. Danger is just a part of it. 
Fraser: Well you know, if they wore protective helmets it would minimize the danger. 
Ray: You're so-so-so - umm! - Canadian. 
Fraser: It's just logic, Ray. 
Ray: Logic, exactly. Boxing has nothing to do with logic. It is sport taken down to its purest nut. It is muscles, sweat, guts, torque, load. I mean, you ever meet a logical person who would bite off another man's ear? 
Fraser: That's just another argument for protective helmets - with ear flaps. 
Ray: You admit that I'm right or I'll pop you in the head. 
Fraser: We're not dealing with logic now, are we? 
Ray: Logic, smogic. Admit I'm right or I'll pop you. 
Fraser: Oh, well, gee, in that case, Ray, I guess you're right. 
Ray: Thank you very much. [turns to go] Levon's got a buddy up on, uh, Vacuum Street. 
Fraser: You mean Hoover? 
Ray: Hoover Street. . . It's going to be a long night. 
[A rooster crows as they re-enter station along the same corridor they left.] 
Francesca: Hey, you guys have a long night? 
Ray: Ummmm. 
Fraser: Good morning, Francesca. 
Francesca: Hi, Fraser. Can I get you a coffee? Tea? Foot massage? 
Ray: No thanks, Francesca. Look, can you call the hospital, see if Deron is doin' okay? 
Francesca: I called ten minutes ago. There's no change. [to Fraser as Ray goes to his desk] Neck rub? 
Fraser: Well, no, thank you kindly. Maybe, uh, maybe next week. [follows Ray] 
Ray: Come on! Where the hell is he? 
Fraser: Well, we know that he didn't go home. 
Ray: Okay - 
Welsh: Vecchio! 
Ray: Yeah? 
Welsh: I want you to pick up Levon Jefferson. 
Ray: Yeah, we been trying to do that all night, sir. 
Welsh: Why is that? 
Ray: Jamal Martin and a bunch of his pals jumped us and he split. 
Fraser: We think Martin may still be after him. 
Welsh: Well that's unlikely. A patrol car just found Martin dead in an alley. Just pick up Jefferson. Suspicion of homicide. 
[In the morgue, Mort is singing Italian opera as he pulls the sheet down, exposing Jamal's upper body] 
Ray: Aww. Ugly. 
Welsh: Yeah, he got a pretty good working over. 
Mort: At least this one is nice and fresh. You should see them after three, four days in here. 
Ray: Mort, come on. 
Mort: Squeamish? 
Ray: Human. You wouldn't know anything about that. 
Mort: It's the live ones that make me squeamish. 
Ray: Look, can you give an estimated time of departure? 
Mort: Give me a moment. [sings a little more] I'd say between 9 p.m. last night and 4 a.m. this morning. 
Ray: Well that's really accurate, Mort, cause we saw him around 10. 
Mort: Why, that narrows it down a bit, doesn't it? 
Ray: Look, Levon didn't do this. 
Welsh: What makes you say that? 
Ray: Cause I know the kid. 
Welsh: Yeah. Maybe I should put Jack and Dewey on this case - 
Ray: No, no, no, no you don't. I'll bring him in. 
Welsh: His knuckles there - he looks like he's been punchin' a concrete wall. 
Mort: Oh, yes. He fought hard. 
Welsh: And his face. You think the average guy on the street could do that kind of damage? 
Mort: No. No, it needs a lot of skill and strength. 
Welsh: Right. A boxer. 
Ray: I didn't say he wasn't able to do it. I said he wouldn't do it. 
Welsh: Look, I'd like to take your word for it, Detective, but the prosecuting attorney's office is going to want a little more than that. 
Ray: Fraser, I said no tasting stuff in the morgue. [Fraser tastes the sole of Jamal's shoe.] Ach, that's sick. You get that? I don't get that. That's - 
Mort: Is that a new method? Did you find something? 
Fraser: Bok choy. 
Welsh: Yeah. We found him behind a Chinese restaurant. There was garbage all over the place. 
Ray: You see? You see? You don't have to go tasting a dead guy's stuff to be a cop. We knew that already. 
Fraser [picks up a plastic bag containing a small pill bottle]: Furosemide? 
Mort: Diuretic. 
Fraser: Was he taking it? 
Mort: Maybe. 
Ray: Can you test for it? 
Mort: I could. Well, I have to go in. Why would I do it? 
Ray: Because, uh. . . uh, Fraser, why? 
Fraser: There's no compelling reason. Oh, never mind. We don't really need to know. 
Ray: Fraser? A word with you for a second? 
[They step out into the hallway, then make their way to the bullpen.] 
Ray: Look, Fraser, don't hang me out to dry like that. 
Fraser: Like what, Ray? 
Ray: Don't ask if the guy was taking diur-s-whatever and when I ask him about doing some tests go, oh never mind, nobody needs to know anyway. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Ray: Well sorry doesn't cut it, Fraser. I'm a detective and a detective's gotta have credibility with guys like Mort. You pull a little stunt like that and I lose face. 
Fraser: Well I think you have a surfeit of face, Ray. 
Ray: Francesca, can you get Tony Miller in here, please? 
Fraser [catches Dief begging goodies from Frannie]: Dief. 
Francesca: You got a number? 
Ray: Uh, he's in the phone book under Cabrini Gangsters. 
Fraser: Gangsters are in the phone book? 
Ray: If they got a phone, they're in the book. [turns to Huey's desk] Huey, can you make this call for me? It's Winona Jefferson. That's Levon's aunt. He lives there. See if he came home. 
Huey: Ray-Ray-Ray-Ray. 
Ray: What? 
Huey: I need your advice on something. Let's say you knew someone. Maybe even a friend. 
Ray: Right. 
Huey: Hypothetically speaking, let's say this friend had an odor. 
Ray: What kind of odor? 
Huey: Bacon bits and fish. 
Ray: Are you talking about your stinky partner? 
Huey: You noticed him, huh? 
Ray: Yeah. What's the question? 
Huey: Well, am I obligated to tell him? 
Ray: No. You're obligated to hose him down. Fraser, come on, let's go. 
Fraser: We're off to look for Levon? [holds door open for Ray and waits for Dief to follow] 
Ray: No, the people who are looking for him. 
Fraser: Ah. Dief? [Dief's attention is still on Frannie] Dief-Dief-Dief. Would you mind? 
[Ray parks outside a nondescript brick warehouse-type building; several young men stand watch outside the door.] 
Ray: Okay, we gotta be kinda polite here. 
Fraser: That's right up my alley, Ray. Dief? [lets Dief out of the back seat] 
Ray: No. This is, uh, a special kind of polite. It's like, uh, a lingo thing. 
Fraser: Ahh. I understand. [observes the others] They're wearing headsets, Ray. It seems kind of organized for a street gang, isn't it? 
Ray: Well, this is the USA. This is, you know, they got equal opportunity. They got upward mobility now. 
Fraser: Good day, gentlemen. 
Man #1: That's a bad ass outfit. 
Fraser [turns his back to the man and whispers to Ray]: They insulted the uniform. 
Ray: Uh, he meant good. Bad means good. He digs the uniform. 
Fraser: Oh. You mean, it's the lingo thing. Sort of flip flop? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Fraser: Understood. [turns back to the man] Yes, sir, it is bad. It is red serge and it represents the queen. 
Man #1: Oh, the queen. 
Fraser: Umm-hmm. 
Man #1: That's cool. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Ray: We're here to see Duval Edwards. 
Man #2: Yeah, yeah. You are? 
[Ray reaches inside his jacket and immediately they all reach for their weapons. When Ray merely pulls back his jacket so they can see his badge pinned to his shoulder holster, they relax again.] 
Man #2: Aww, yo got one of those. Yo, I got one in a cereal box. I'm thinkin' we're gonna squeeze Mr. Heat in a few hours so yo, 'sup. 
Fraser: Sir, we understand we don't have an appointment, but we were hoping that you would be able to accommodate us. 
Man #2: 'Commodate you? 
Fraser: Hopefully, yes. 
[general laughter] 
Ray: Homes, can I have a word with you? 
Man #2: Aright. Aright. 
[They step off a few steps as Fraser speaks with the others] 
Ray: Hey, boom, this is straight up. I mean, I'm Starsky, he's Hutch. . . 
Fraser: This is known as the Sam Browne. In particular, this is the lanyard. . . 
Ray: Now, I showed you our colors, flashed our badges, you know. We're not going to be any trouble. We just want to talk to him for ten minutes. 
Man #2: Yeah, so what's it worth? 
[Ray pulls out some bills. Man #2 pockets the money and speaks softly into his headset] 
Fraser: Let's say you're pursuing a criminal on horseback. Should you lose control of your weapon, you don't have to dismount. You see, you simply scoop it up and there, presto, you have it in your hand again. It's something you gentlemen might want to consider. 
Man #1: Yeah. [opens the door and Ray, Fraser and Dief enter] 
Fraser [to Ray]: Nice lads. 
Man #1 [closes the door behind them]: He's crazy, man. 
[Ray and Fraser take a warehouse elevator to descend several floors to the basement] 
Ray: This dire-thingy. What is that? 
Fraser: It's a drug that increases the rate of urine formation in the kidneys. 
Ray: Is that good? 
Fraser: For some medical conditions, yes. 
Ray: So you think he was sick and that was what killed him? 
Fraser: No, no. No, I'm quite certain he was beaten to death. 
Ray: Then why'd you ask for a. . .? Forget it. 
Fraser: Ray, maybe you can help me with this lingo thing. Is there by any chance a reference book for it? 
Ray: No reference book. It's street. Like that stuff at the door. Certain words are flip, like bad means good. 
Fraser: What if something's bad? 
Ray: That's just bad. 
Fraser: Isn't that confusing? 
Ray: To a Mountie, yeah. 
Fraser: Ahh. 
Ray: See, 'fly' is good. 'That's the bomb' is great. 
Fraser: Oh, I see. So I could say, for instance, Ray, my very good friend, you're a flying bomb. 
Ray: Nah, that doesn't work. Uh, example: Homes better keep it real, cause we're just up for the 411. We don't want him to go the whole nine yards and pull his gat and bang-bang put a cap in us, you know, cause we'd be down on a 187. 
Fraser: I see. And a 187 is? 
Ray: Dead. 
Fraser: Dead. Ahh. 
[They step off the elevator and into a club complete with music, tables, waitresses, a few patrons, and game tables. Dief jumps up on a pool table; a man notices him, then moves over to Ray and Fraser.] 
Edwards: I don't usually allow dogs in here. 
Fraser: Well, actually he's half wolf. 
Edwards: That's better? 
Ray: The wolf's cool. A couple of your guys tried to take our heads off last night. 
Edwards: Our guys? 
Ray: Well, they were wearing Rollin' 22 colors. 
Edwards: You know, all the wrong people seem to be getting those jackets. 
Ray: Jamal was hangin' with them. 
Edwards: Oh, so this is where Jamal gets killed. 
Ray: No, this is about Levon Jefferson not getting killed. 
Edwards: You gotta understand, the guys take things like this kinda hard. Jamal had a lot of friends in the 22s. I mean, he was heading up our youth program. 
Fraser: Youth program. That's commendable. 
Edwards: Well, you know, we try to give a little something back to the community. 
Ray: Right, in return for all the drug money you take out of it. The thing is, Levon did not kill Jamal. 
Edwards: Sure, and he had nothing to do with Deron going to the hospital. 
Ray: What, all we want you to do is talk to your guys and get 'em to chill. 
Edwards: You gotta understand. We got 28,000 members. I mean, some days I don't even get to talk to all of 'em. 
Fraser: 28,000? That's the population of Moosejaw. 
Edwards: Canadian. 
Fraser: Yes. How did you know? 
Edwards: Lucky guess. 
Fraser: Ahh. 
[He begins to slowly walk them through the club.] 
Edwards: We're thinking of branching out up there. 
Fraser: Really? You know, I'm not sure my government would look too favorably upon that. 
Edwards: See now? That's the problem with you Canadians and this stink called free trade. I mean, you guys want access to our markets and still try to protect your own. 
Fraser: You know, I'm not so sure it's really a question of trade as much as it is a moral issue. I mean, the fact that you are involved in criminal activity - selling drugs, for instance - oddly, that's something we frown upon north of the 49th parallel. 
Edwards: Oh, there's always some excuse. 
Ray: Did you see Jamal last night? 
Edwards: And what if I did? 
Ray: When? 
Edwards: Around 10:30, maybe a little after. 
Fraser: After we encountered him. Hmm. This could be helpful. How much time did you spend with him? 
Edwards: Not long. I mean, we had some business to go through. 
Ray: Did he happen to say where he was going after? 
Edwards: To the gym. To get some stuff out of his brother's locker. 
[He opens a door, ushers them out, closes the door behind them. A moment later, it opens again and Dief comes out.] 
[At Devlin's gym a man is sparring with Devlin's assistant. Devlin is watching and Ray and Fraser join him.] 
Ray: One of yours? 
Devlin: Yep. 
Ray: He's good. 
Devlin: Are you pounding sand or are you just dumb? The boy stinks. 
Fraser: Well, he looks strong. 
Devlin: Strong don't mean nothin'. Look around. They're all strong. You gotta have the head for it or you'll never be a fighter. Look at him. He's showing everything. He's openin' up after every shot. Hell, I could beat him. [calls to men in ring] Mason, step it up! Aw, cover up, cover up! He's hittin' you with everything he's got! [the men stop when it's obvious the other is beaten] Go work the heavy bag. That can't hit you back. 
[Mason, Devlin's assistant, joins them ringside.] 
Fraser: That's quite a nasty cut you have there. 
Mason: It ain't nothin'. 
Fraser [reaches into his belt pouch]: Well, still, maybe a little antibiotic ointment will do the trick here. 
Mason: I said it ain't nothin'. [He stalks off.] 
Ray: Where'd you get that, Fraser? 
Fraser: Oh, it's not important. 
Devlin: He's just embarrassed 'cause that kid cut him. 
Fraser: I understand. Although, you know, judging from the granulation at the edge of the wound, it would appear to be an old injury. 
Ray: Did you see Jamal Martin last night? 
Devlin: Not after the fight. 
Ray: Somebody whacked him. 
Devlin: Jamal? Why? 
Fraser: That's what we're trying to determine, sir. We think he may have come back here to collect his brother's things. 
Devlin: That's easy enough to find out. 
[They go to the locker room. Devlin opens one.] 
Devlin: That's Deron's locker. 
Ray: Looks like Jamal never got here. 
Fraser: Looks that way, doesn't it? [pulls out a jacket and looks at it] Hmm. What do you think, Diefenbaker? [holds it down for Dief to sniff; Dief whines] My thought exactly. [puts the jacket to his mouth] 
Devlin: What are you doing? 
Ray: Don't ask. 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Ray: Is that like a good hmm or a bad hmm? 
Fraser: Like a soy sauce hmm. 
[Ray and Fraser walk through the corridors at the station.] 
Ray: So Deron was in the alley. . . No, Deron was in the hospital. Jamal picked up Deron's clothes and took them to the alley. Somebody killed him, then stole the clothes, and put them back in the locker? That's D-U-M dumb. 
Fraser: Well, there is another possibility. 
[Ray's cell phone rings] 
Ray: What's that? 
Fraser: Deron liked Chinese food. 
Ray: Yeah, I like Chinese food. Let's go for some. [puts phone to ear] Yeah, Vecchio. 
Levon: They're after me! 
Ray: Stay put. We'll be right there. 
[Four gang members chase Levon into a field near some rundown buildings. They catch him just as Ray and Fraser arrive. Ray pulls his gun and fires several times into the air, frightening off the attackers. Ray and Fraser run to where Levon is picking himself up.] 
Levon: Oh, man! Am I glad to see you! You really saved my butt. 
Ray: Fraser, I can't. 
Fraser: You have no choice, Ray. 
Ray: You are under arrest for the murder of Jamal Martin. 
Levon: Say what? 
Fraser: You are under arrest for the murder of Jamal Martin. 
Ray: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you in a court of law. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed to you. 
[Huey and Dewey interrogate Levon as Ray, Welsh, Francesca and Fraser look on through the observation window.] 
Dewey: Where were you between 10 and 4 last night? 
Levon: I already told you. I was on the street movin'. 
Huey: You were hiding from the 22s, weren't you? 
Levon: Yeah. Hidin'. 
Dewey: But only they found you, didn't they? Jamal Martin found you. . . 
Ray [softly]: Come on, ease up on him. He's just a kid. 
Dewey: I'm talking to you, kid. 
Levon: I didn't see nobody. . . 
Francesca: Wow, they're really broiling him. 
Ray: Grilling, Francesca. It's grilling. 
Francesca: Grilling, broiling, pan frying. I think you know what I mean, Mr. Vocabulary. [she turns to leave, but pauses by Fraser on her way out] Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Huey: How can we help you if you're lying too? 
Levon: I'm not lying. I didn't do anything.
Dewey: No, you just beat a guy to death. . . 
Ray: Come on, they can't do that. [moves toward the door] 
Welsh: Where're you going? 
Ray: In there. 
Welsh: No, you're not. You're far too personally involved. 
Ray: Personally involved cause I don't want them to torture a kid? 
Welsh: They're not doing anything you wouldn't do. 
Dewey: You put one guy in the hospital, didn't you? You did that . . . 
Ray: Right. . . Good one. [he leaves] 
Huey: We know he took it bad. He went after you. . . 
Fraser: I'm sure he didn't mean that, sir. 
Welsh: I'm sure he didn't. 
Levon: I didn't do anything. I already told you. I was on the street movin'. . . 
[Fraser leaves] 
[in bullpen] 
Francesca: Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Ah, Francesca. Have you, uh, have you seen Ray? 
Francesca: Yeah. He said he was going some place to think, whatever mythical place that might be. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Francesca: Ahh, is that all? 
Fraser: Yes. Thank you. Kindly. 
Francesca: Bye, Fraser. 
Fraser: Dief? 
[At Devlin's gym, Ray is working out on a punching bag.] 
Fraser: I thought I'd find you here. 
Ray: He's a good kid, Fraser. A great kid. 
Fraser: Nevertheless, Ray, it was your duty to arrest him. 
Ray: It was my fault. I got him all hyped for the fight. I trained him. 
Fraser: Yes. But Ray, you couldn't possibly have foreseen what was going to happen inside that ring. 
Ray: I should have left him alone. I should have told him to stop. 
Fraser: I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. 
Ray: You want to make me feel better? 
[Both Ray and Fraser are in the ring, fully equipped; Devlin and Mason watch. Dief watches atop a stool pulled up beside the ring.] 
Ray: Come on, Fraser, let's get ready to rumble. 
Fraser: Right you are. 
[Ray skips around Fraser several times, throwing jabs that Fraser always dodges. Fraser pivots in place, arms set in classic boxing pose.] 
Ray: What are you doin', Fraser? 
Fraser: I'm sparring. 
Ray: No you're not. I'm sparring. You're standing there like a. . . Mountie. 
Fraser: Well, I am a Mountie. 
Ray: I know that, Fraser, but you got to try to hit me. 
Fraser: Well, I'd really rather not. 
Ray: You'd rather not. I don't care what you'd rather not do. Just do it. 
Fraser: Why would I want to hit a friend, Ray? 
Ray: It's traditional in this sport. Come on, just try to hit me. Come on. 
Fraser: No thank you. 
Ray: Hit me. 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: Hit me. 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: Hit me. 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: Hit me. 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: Hit me. 
[Fraser relents and connects with Ray's face. Ray staggers back and Fraser rushes to him.] 
Fraser: I'm sorry. Are you all right? 
Ray: I wasn't ready. 
Fraser: You see, you'd probably really benefit more by doing this with a professional. I mean, there are certain drawbacks to being Canadian. 
Devlin: You might make a pretty fair fighter. You got the head for it. 
Ray: Thank you very much. 
Devlin: Not you. The Mountie. 
Fraser: You know, it might cheer you up a whole lot more, Ray, if you sparred with Mr. Dixon. 
Ray: I'm game for it if he is. 
Mason [to Devlin]: Okay? 
[Devlin and Fraser stand at ringside. Fraser bends close to Dief, who still sits on the stool.] 
Fraser: You know, there really was no cause for worry. But I must say I do appreciate your concern. It's been very rare these days. 
Devlin: Don't worry. Mason won't hurt him. Much. 
Ray: Owch. 
Fraser: Has there been any change in Deron's condition? 
Devlin: Nothing. I wudn't tryin' to psych out your friend, you know. Deron might be the best I ever trained. He could have gone all the way. 
Fraser: You don't think perhaps he was a little heavy? 
Devlin: What are you talking about? He was a heavyweight. 
Fraser: So he wasn't concerned then with keeping down his weight. 
Devlin: The opposite. The kid worked so hard it was tough to keep the weight on him. He's a good loyal kid, too. He would have stuck with me. Not like the others. 
[In the locker room, Ray is sitting on a bench trying to put on his t-shirt. Dief is sitting by his knees; Fraser stands a few feet away.] 
Fraser: So. Now you've sparred. 
Ray: Yes, Fraser, I have sparred. 
Fraser: And you feel better? 
Ray: Yeah, I feel better. 
Fraser: Mentally and spiritually, I presume, because your physical condition is truly appalling. 
Ray: I'm good. 
Fraser: Ah. You don't want to talk about it. It's perfectly understandable. I mean, after all, the core of pugilism is really a mental and spiritual quest, isn't it, sort of like mountaineering or marathon dancing or the Iditarod or - 
Ray: Shut up? 
Fraser: As you wish. [watches as Ray attempts to slip on his holster] Do you need some help? 
Ray: No. 
[Ray tries again, then slumps on the bench in defeat, chin on chest.] 
[They make their way back through the gym.] 
Fraser: I think it may be possible to clear Levon of Jamal's murder. 
Ray: How? 
Fraser: Well, to a certain extent, it will depend on whether or not Jamal was actually taking the Furosemide that we found in his effects. 
Ray: That's the diur-whatsisit that you didn't get Mort to test for. 
Fraser: Exactly. So we should go to the lab now and pick up the results. 
Ray: Yeah, but you didn't get him to test for it. 
Fraser: Well, nevertheless I think we said enough to stimulate his curiosity. 
Ray: Yeah but those stiffs in the morgue got more curiosity than Mort. 
Fraser: Well, we'll soon find out. 
Ray: Ten bucks. 
Fraser: No, I never wager. 
Ray: Oh, you don't bet, you don't fight, what do Canadians do at night, play charades? 
Fraser: At night? We sleep. 
[Mort is lying on his worktable, engrossed in singing German opera, as they enter.] 
Fraser: Mort. . .Mort. . .Mort, Mort, Mort, Mort. 
Mort: Oh. I've been expecting you. He wasn't taking Furosemide. What significance it has, I don't know. However, I also discovered there was no medical condition that would require diuretics. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Mort goes back to singing] 
[Fraser and Ray walk through the corridors.] 
Fraser: The Furosemide belonged to his brother. 
Ray: Who? To Deron? 
Fraser: Yes. We have reason to believe that Jamal emptied Deron's locker and had his things with him when he was killed. 
Ray: The soy sauce. 
Fraser: And the bok choy. 
Ray: Why would Deron want the diuretics? 
Fraser: Well, I had thought to lose weight. Apparently, he had the opposite problem. He couldn't keep weight on. 
Ray: Steroids? 
Fraser: I think so. Fighters are tested for steroids, so he took the diuretic to flush his system, which would make the urine test unreliable. 
Ray: Deron was taking steroids. 
Fraser: Which can cause disorientation and even coma under certain circumstances. 
Ray: So Jamal went to get his stuff, found the steroids. He was going to turn in the guy who gave them to Deron, so the guy whacked 'im, took the steroids, put the clothes back in the locker. So all we got to do is find the guy who gave Deron the steroids. 
Fraser: I think that's substantially it. 
Ray: No. It can't be Devlin. He's what fighting's all about. He's the best. I mean, he. . . 
Fraser: He's a trainer who badly needed a champion, Ray. 
[Ray and Fraser walk with Welsh to his office.] 
Welsh: It sounds very interesting, Detective, with one missing detail, and that is some proof. 
Ray: Yeah, but if Deron was taking steroids - 
Welsh: Yeah 'if', that's a big word. 
Fraser: Well, Francesca is checking with the hospital now. 
Welsh: Isn't it a little late to be tested? 
Fraser: Well undoubtedly they drew some blood when he was admitted. It may be possible to test that. 
Welsh: You know, there's a lot of people who think Franco Devlin's one heck of a guy, and I just might be one of them. 
Ray: Yeah, me too, but - 
Welsh: That's all right. If he's dirty, you take him down. You just make sure you're right. 
Francesca: I just called the hospital. 
Ray: Can they do the tests? 
Francesca: No, but there's another way to find out. Ask Deron. He just woke up. 
[in Deron's hospital room] 
Deron: I don't know who would kill Jamal, but it wasn't Franco Devlin. 
Ray: You were taking steroids. 
Fraser: Would you want an innocent man to be convicted of your brother's murder? 
Deron: Listen, guys do that all the time. 
Ray: Look, you're ten times the fighter that Levon Jefferson is or could be. 
Deron: I must have had a bad night. 
Ray: You don't care who killed your brother? 
Deron: Don't care? He was my brother. He was my broth. . . 
Ray: I know. Okay. And- and- and it couldn't have been Franco Devlin, could it? I mean, 'cause that guy was like a lucky rabbit's foot to you. 
Deron: He believed in me. Believed that I could be the best. 
Ray: But you had to put the weight on and so he gave you the 'roids and it almost killed you. 
Deron: He believed I could be a champion. 
Ray: And now you've got to cover for him. 
Deron: It wasn't Franco. Franco wouldn't kill anybody. 
Fraser: Did he give you the steroids? 
Deron: Just for some bulk. Not enough to hurt me. I was going to quit in a couple of weeks. 
[at Devlin's gym] 
Ray: Devlin, got some good news. Deron's awake. 
Devlin: Yeah, I heard. I'm going over to see him just as soon as I'm finished here. 
Ray: You think he's going to want to keep on fighting? 
Devlin: Well, I've seen guys come back from worse. 
Ray: Even after you been pumping them full of steroids? 
Devlin: Nice job. Leanin' on a kid when he's in the hospital. 
Fraser: Actually, he talked with us quite willingly. 
Ray: Yeah, seeing that you put him there. 
Devlin: Your guy got in a lucky punch. 
Ray: Man, I thought you were the best. 
Devlin: I am the best! 
Ray: Why'd you do it? 
Devlin: What did I do, huh? Give that kid a chance to win? You think that half the guys out here aren't on that stuff or whatever else they can get their hands on? 
Fraser: A corrupt system is no justification for personal corruption, Mr. Devlin. 
Devlin: We're talkin' about winnin' here. 
Fraser: I thought that fighting was about more than just winning. 
Devlin: Not when you make your livin' at it. 
Ray: Come on, we can talk downtown. 
Devlin: I got nothin' more to say. 
Ray: Don't worry, I got a lot of questions - 
[Mason jumps in and pushes Devlin out of the gym, telling the other fighters that Ray and Fraser are after Franco. They surround them, preventing them from following.] 
Fraser: Ah, gentlemen. 
Ray: These aren't gentlemen, Fraser. 
Fraser: A quick word, Ray. [leans close to Ray's ear] It may be perhaps that they are not aware that we are police officers. I mean, they're probably not familiar with my uniform and you haven't identified yourself - 
Ray: Right. [pulls out gun and shows badge on shoulder holster] Chicago PD! 
Man: You guys are cops, man? 
Fraser: That's correct. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police - 
Ray: Look, Fraser - 
Fraser: Some other time maybe. 
[They rush after Mason and Devlin.] 
Devlin: Let me go, Mason. I know you're only tryin' to help but it's the wrong way. 
Ray: Devlin, you're under arrest! You too! 
Devlin: I'm sorry. He was just tryin' to defend me. 
Ray: Yeah? Well we like to call that resisting arrest. [cuffs Devlin, throws another pair of cuffs to Fraser] Fraser, throw these on punchy. 
Fraser: Certainly. 
Mason [to Devlin]: Let me take him. 
Devlin: It's all right, Mason. We'll get a lawyer and we'll be out in an hour. 
Ray: On homicide? I don't think so. 
Devlin: Homicide? 
Mason: Let me take him. 
Devlin: Hey, look, I gave a kid something to help him bulk up. That's it. I didn't kill anybody. 
Ray: You forget about Jamal? 
Devlin: Levon killed Jamal. 
Ray: You did it because he found out about the steroids. 
Devlin: He did? 
Mason: He didn't kill nobody. 
Fraser: Yes, he did, Mason, and he's going to jail for it. 
Mason: No, he wouldn't do that. 
Fraser: Oh, no? Not even to protect himself? 
Mason: No. 
Fraser: No. But you might, mightn't you? You might kill someone in order to protect him. 
Devlin: Mason? 
Fraser: You reopened that cut over your eye yesterday. You didn't have that cut the night before the fight. 
Ray: He didn't? 
Fraser: No, he didn't, Ray. It was opened up some time after the fight. 
Ray: Fighting Jamal. 
Fraser: I think that's correct. I'm sure you didn't intend to kill him. 
Mason: He found out about the steroids. He was going to tell. 
Fraser: It's all over Mason. 
Mason: No!
[Mason attempts to escape by climbing to the roof. Ray and Fraser follow. All three end up falling through a skylight into the boxing ring below. Ray pushes Fraser aside as Mason gets to his feet. Fraser withdraws behind the ropes leaving Ray alone in the ring with Mason. Mason lands 4 punches and Ray stumbles to the corner near Fraser.] 
Ray: Ahh, a little help here, Fraser? 
Fraser: Are you sure you want that? I mean, this is after all an intensely personal individual quest. 
Ray: Yeah. Help. 
Fraser: Okay, think Zaire 1974. 
[Ray stumbles forward right into a punch to the stomach.] 
Fraser: Ooh. New Orleans '78. 
[Ray lands one.] 
Fraser: That's it. 
[Mason lands four.] 
Fraser: Think Chicago. 
[Ray responds with a head butt, and Mason goes down. You hear the bell ring] 
Fraser: Perfect. [Fraser's raises Ray's hand in the winner stanze] 
[Ray and Fraser wait as Devlin and Mason are taken into custody by uniformed police. Ray is explaining what happened to one uniformed officer.] 
Ray: I was stickin', I was movin', I was bobbin', I was weavin'. Boom-boom-boom. He comes on strong. Think Ali 1974. Rope-a-dope. Into the ropes. Ump, ump, ump, ump, ump, bam. I win. 
[The policeman walks away totally unimpressed.] 
Fraser: You know, Ray, he probably just doesn't appreciate the finer points of head butting. Boxing. 
Ray: Devlin was a hell of a trainer. 
Fraser: Well, maybe he can continue to be. You know, one mistake doesn't necessarily mean the end of a career. Think about Richard Nixon. . . that's probably not a good example. 
Ray: Speaking about mistakes, Fraser. . . Uh, well, we're friends, right? 
Fraser: Sure. 
Ray: Partners? 
Fraser: Absolutely. 
Ray: So, you look in the ring and you see this large goon trying to beat your partner and your friend to death with his bare hands, so what do you generally do? 
Fraser: Well, you help. 
Ray: Right. 
Fraser: Oh. Oh, I see where you're headed with this. No, in this particular case, Ray, I knew this was just a continuation of your earlier match and that you had to go this alone as part of a mental and spiritual quest. 
Ray: Next time? 
Fraser: Yes? 
Ray: Help. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[They walk outside. A few men are still hanging around the entrance. Fraser puts on his Stetson, straightens his coat, and pauses in the doorway.] 
Fraser: Well, Ray the bomb, let's keep it real. 411 and 'sup. 
Ray: Fraser, what are you doing? 
Fraser: I'm just getting down with my bad self. [He nods to the others as he begins to walk off.] Houseboys. 
Man: Oh, man. . .[they shake their heads in disbelief as they walk away] 
Ray: Homeboys, it's homeboys. 
Fraser: Homeboys. Homeboys. 
Ray: He's Canadian. He's a little funny. 

End of Mounty and Soul
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Spy vs Spy

[street] 
Ray: What time do you look at this apartment? 
Fraser: Not till 10, so we have plenty of time for a game. 
Ray: And you say that this guy is good, right? 
Fraser: Oh, he's very good. A-ha! 
Hanrahan: Ah, Fraser! Carrot bran? 
Fraser: No, oat bran. It's Tuesday. 
Hanrahan: Oh, yeah, right. 
Fraser: It's always oat bran on Tuesday. 
Hanrahan: Oh, right, right. 
Fraser: This is my friend Ray. Ray, this is - 
Hanrahan: H 
Ray: H. Like the letter 'H'? 
Hanrahan: Correct. Beautiful day. 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Ray: H. Is that short for something? 
Hanrahan: Oh ah, there's no 1540 Belden Avenue. The street ends at 1500. 
Fraser: H receives calls from the plate he has in his head. 
Ray: Oh. 
Hanrahan: Yes, it's off the coast of Finland. Helsinki Desk. Big dispute. Three Russian fishermen. 
Ray: Oh. Helsinki Desk. So you what? Work for the CIA or -- ? 
Hanrahan: Yeah. Who do you work for? 
Fraser: He's with the Chicago P.D. 
Hanrahan: Oh. 
[airport] 
Man: Taxi! 
[park] 
Ray: Ah. . . ah. . . ah. 
Hanrahan: Oh. Interesting stratagem. Double bluff and hide in plain view. I used that ruse in '56 to smuggle Santos out of Budapest before the tanks came rolling in. 
Ray: What's he talking about? 
Onlooker: He's a super-secret espionage spy guy and nobody knows about it except you and me and everyone else. 
Hanrahan: Will you stop mocking me? You get on my nerves. Just stop it! Stop it! Now, then, let me see, how about that? Checkmate. 
Ray: No way. 
Fraser: Yeah, I think he's got you, Ray. 
Ray: Okay, another game. Double or nothing. 
Fraser: Well, Ray, I think we should get going. 
Hanrahan: Oh, yes. I hope you like the apartment. You would be a great asset to this neighborhood. 
Fraser: Oh, well, thank you kindly. 
Hanrahan: Now what's the time? Oh! Oh, I'm late. Is there a back way out of here? Move out of the way, will you? 
[street] 
Ray: I had him, Fraser. I was hustling. I gave him a couple of games and then I was going to crank him for the big money. I bet he's on Lithium the size of pudding pops. 
Fraser: Ray? It's this way. 
Ray: No, no. It's this way. 
Fraser: Well, Dief is very rarely wrong. . . 
Ray: Okay. This time when you're talking to the landlord, do not volunteer that he's a wolf, okay? 
Fraser [to Dief]: Well, you are a wolf. 
[Dief bark] 
Fraser: Yes, I know, but most people aren't as open minded as you. 
Ray: Don't talk to the dog in public, Fraser. It embarrasses me. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: Okay. 
[taxi stops nearby] 
Taxi driver [to dispatch]: I'm telling you, there's no 1540 Belden, Dispatch. The street just ends. 
[street corner] 
Hanrahan: Fifty-two years. No contact. . . Suspicious looking. What's he up to?. . . Okay, okay, stay calm. . . Oh. Contact. 
[street] 
Fraser: Maybe it's a combination of electromagnetism, cellular phones, radio waves - something's confused him. 
Ray: Oh, yeah, that must be it. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, it's sad. It's sad and pathetic to watch a grown man gloat over besting a dog. 
Ray: You have your hobbies, I have mine. 
Fraser: It's not a hobby, it's - 
Hanrahan: Oh! Help! 
Fraser: It's Albert! 
[alley] 
Ray: Chicago P.D.!. . . [to Fraser] You okay? 
Fraser: Fine. 
Ray: H! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: What's that? 
Fraser: It's a theatre ticket. 
Ray: So?. . . [to guy] Pitter, patter, let's get at her, come on. . . Hey. Hey. Come on. . . Hey. . . Hey! 
[station] 
Welsh: The press is going to love this. 
Ray: Look, I barely tapped him. I threw him a dead fish, sir. 
Welsh: He dropped dead. 
Ray: He heart attacked or something. He was assaulting or maybe robbing this old chess guy. We don't know, but somehow it involved these theatre tickets. 
Welsh: You killed a guy for scalping? Look, the mayor does not like it when the Chicago P.D. goes around killing its citizens. 
Ray: Look, he had no I.D. He might not have even been a citizen. 
Welsh: Oh! That's great. He's a foreigner, so it doesn't matter that we killed him. The Chamber of Commerce is going to love that one. Great for tourism. Where's this old guy now? 
Ray: Fraser's out looking for him. 
Welsh: The dead body is downstairs? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Welsh: All right. I want to know who this guy is and I want to know right now. When they ask me upstairs who is this guy we killed, I want to be able to write a book about him. 
Ray: Yes, sir. 
Welsh: Now, when you kill a guy, this whole department has killed that guy. Do you understand? 
Ray: Look, I barely tapped him. 
Welsh: Do you understand? 
Ray: I didn't even bruise my hammer. 
Welsh: Do you understand? 
Ray: Yes, sir. 
[apartment building] 
[Dief whine] 
Fraser: This it, boy? 
[whine] 
Fraser: Perhaps we can find the manager - That's trespassing. . . Well, maybe just this once. . . Count Leipnitz, Art of the Spy. 
[whine] 
Ruth: Oh! 
Fraser: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 
Ruth: Oh, my. . . 
Fraser: Are you all right? 
Ruth: Who are you? 
Fraser: My name is Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, and I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father. For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I've remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate. 
Ruth: Are you the police? 
Fraser: Well, yes, but I'm here strictly in an unofficial capacity. Well, I'm looking for Mr. Hanrahan. 
Ruth: Uh, he moved out. 
Fraser: Oh. When? 
Ruth: About an hour ago. 
Fraser: Ah, I see. Do you by any chance know where he's gone? 
Ruth: But if you find him, you tell him he owes me a week's rent. 
Fraser: Oh, so you own the building. 
Ruth: I'm the manager. 
Fraser: I see. Do you also live here? 
Ruth: Yes. 
Fraser: I see. 
Ruth: Oh! My gun, please? That gun's my protection. Please give me back my gun. 
Fraser: Do you have a permit for this weapon, ma'am? 
Ruth: Well, I never - 
Fraser: You see, that could be a bit of a problem. . . [knocks on door] Mr. Hanrahan, it's Constable Fraser. 
Ruth: What are you doing? This is my apartment. 
Fraser: I realize that, ma'am. . . [knocks again]. . . Mr. Hanrahan, it is extremely important that I speak with you. 
Hanrahan: Oh. Well, come in. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Hanrahan: How did you find me? 
Fraser: The single strand of hair that you used to monitor your bedside drawer was the same stylish tone that makes your hair so pleasing to the eye. Also, your pillowcase carried the floral scent that I notice you favor. And I see you are a reader of Count Leipnitz. 
Hanrahan: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 'The man who is truly hidden - 
Fraser: Is the man who hides beside himself.' 
Hanrahan: Yes. 
Fraser: And the man who attacked you today. . . 
Hanrahan: . . . I don't remember that one. 
Fraser: Oh, no, no, I'm actually talking about the man who attacked you today. 
Hanrahan: Oh, you're actually asking me about the man who attacked me today. 
Fraser: Yes, actually today. 
Hanrahan: Yeah. . . That is a matter of national security. 
Fraser: I see. . . The man is dead. 
Hanrahan: I'll talk to you, but she has to leave the room. 
Ruth: Oh, Albert - ? 
Hanrahan: Now, Ruth, we've been through this many, many times. I'm sorry. 
Ruth: All right. 
Hanrahan: I'm sorry. It's very private. It's for the best. . . Constable, I'm a coward. 
Fraser: You're not a coward, sir, I've seen your medal. From Korea. There were no cowards at the Chosin reservoir. 
Hanrahan: That was years ago. I was just a kid. But I've become afraid. I'm afraid of choice. I'm afraid of responsibility. I've been hiding from reality and my excuse is I've been waiting for my country to call on me. Huh. Finally they call and look. Look. There's nothing left of me. Nothing but talk and talk and talk and. . . and fear. 
Fraser: Sir, excuse me. Are you telling me that you're an intelligence operative in deep cover living here in this rooming house, that you receive unwelcome taxi calls on a plate in your head, you play chess in a park, and that you're waiting for your government to activate you? 
Hanrahan: You've been very well briefed. 
Fraser: Well, I wonder then if you could explain the significance of this. 
Ruth: Albert? What's going on in there? 
Hanrahan: Ruth is so proud of me. It's going to break her heart when she knows the truth. . . Now, you go in my place, okay? This is where you will meet your contact. 
[station] 
Ray: Are you completely nuts, Fraser? 
Fraser: Not completely, no. 
Ray: Come on, the guy is a mental patient. He picks up taxi calls via his head. 
Fraser: Somebody attacked him. 
Ray: Oh, geez, in that part of town what a surprise. 
Welsh: Vecchio, what's the word on that John Doe? 
Ray: Uh, nothing, sir. 
Welsh: You been downstairs? 
Ray: To the cold meat party? Not yet, sir. 
Welsh: Are you waiting for an engraved invitation? 
Ray: I hate this part. I really hate this part. 
Fraser: It's all part of life, Ray. 
Ray: Look, don't tell me it's a part of life, Fraser, I know it's a part of life. It's the worst part. 
Fraser: You know, Eternity waits for us all, Ray, and in the knowledge that there's something larger than ourselves, I find a certain peace. 
[Mort singing] 
Ray: If you lick anything, and I mean anything, I'm gone. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Fraser: Hey. 
Mort: Oh. Hi, boys. 
Ray: Hey, it's freezing in here. Can't you turn it up a bit, the heat or something? 
Mort: You wouldn't want me to. 
Fraser: Have you determined the cause of death? 
Mort: I was gong to get to him after dinner. 
Fraser: Ah. Well, do you mind if I - ? 
Mort: Be my guest. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Mort: You see, there's a special at Mendelsshon's. 
Fraser: Humm? 
Mort: Chicken tetrazzini, with peach melba as dessert. 
Fraser: Um-hmm. 
Ray: Clothes, where's his clothes? 
Mort: In the plastic bag there. 
Fraser: Mmm. I smell rough tobacco. Turkish. Probably a Russian blend. . . Liquid soap, the kind used in airline bathrooms. 
Mort: Give me one hour, I tell you what he had for supper. 
Fraser: You know, I might be able to do that now. You see, in the North we don't often have access to postmortem equipment, so we've developed a very simple non-intrusive technique. 
Mort: So what do you do, you smell his breath? 
Fraser: Yes, actually. 
Ray: Ah, Fraser, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever glimpsed! 
Fraser: Hmm, hmm-hmm, hmm 
Mort: Almonds. 
Fraser: Yeah. Can we adjust this light?. . . Huh. 
Mort: That is dental work. It looks like it was done with gardening tools. 
Fraser: You see here? 
Mort: What? 
Fraser: One cap on his third distal molar. 
Mort and Fraser: Cyanide. 
Ray: Hey-hey-hey-hey, include me here! 
Fraser: I don't think you killed this man, Ray. When you hit him in the jaw, he bit down on a cyanide cap he had in his tooth and poisoned himself. 
Ray: Good. Good. . . This guy has no labels, so who the hell is he? 
Fraser: My guess is, judging by the amount of kasha he has between his teeth, he arrived in the country today by plane, probably on a Polish or Russian airline, he smokes Russian cigarettes, he has a cyanide cap in his tooth. Some people might conclude, as Mr. Hanrahan does, that he is a Russian spy. 
Ray: Come on, the Russians can't afford food let alone spies, Fraser. 
Fraser: Well, people can starve, Ray, but a government can always afford spies. Well, I've got to get ready. I'll have to scrub up before I attend the theatre tonight, and I'll tell you something. I'm kind of looking forward to it. The last time I went to the theatre, it was the Great Bear Lake Opera Appreciation Society's presentation of 'The Shooting of Dan McGrew' at the 17th annual Yellow Knife Cultural Festival and Blanket Toss. 
Ray: Come on, Fraser, you're not serious. 
Fraser: I never joke about culture. 
Ray: Oh. 
Mort: I have two tickets for Lucia di Lammermoor for Saturday. 
Fraser: I'd love to accompany you. 
[Mort sings more opera] 
Fraser: Goodbye, Ray. 
Ray: Hey, Fraser, who's going to I.D. the body?. . . Fra- ? 
Mort: You are. Here is the inkpad. And remember, you have to roll the pad around the top of his finger. It's not like printing a live man, huh? 
Ray: I'm not doing it. 
Mort: Well, I'm going for dinner. Chicken tetrazzini. . . 
Ray: I'm not doing it! 
[Mort sings] 
Ray: Ah, this sucks. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Don't look at me like that. I only have the one ticket. Aside from which, what do you care? You're deaf. 
[whine] 
[theatre] 
Nada: Is that the buyer? 
Yuri: I don't know. 
Nada: Where is Carl? 
Yuri: I don't know. 
Nada: I will deal with this myself. Wait for me. . . The quality of the sound of music transports me like smoke. Do you have a light for my cigarette? 
Fraser: I'm afraid this is a nonsmoking environment. 
Nada: The white raven waits for the right wave. 
Fraser: I see. 
Nada: The white raven waits for the right wave. 
Fraser: Oh. Ahm, ahem, Rusty Ruggles rode his wet reindeer through the red window. 
Nada: . . . You play games? 
Fraser: I thought we were, yes. 
Nada: I don't like games. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Nada: I'm here to do business. Arms business. 
Fraser: This is so exhilarating for me. You see, we very rarely had live music where I come from. 
Nada: Well? 
Fraser: Well, because it's so remote. The cost of flying a symphony orchestra in by seaplane is - well, it's prohibitive. Not to mention the dangers inherent of applying one's lips to brass instruments in subzero temperatures. As a matter of fact, there was a very amusing but somewhat painful incident at our '67 centennial - 
Woman behind them: Shhh! 
Fraser: Oh, I'm sorry. 
[station] 
Welsh: So the Feds don't have his fingerprints on file. What's the problem? 
Ray: But they don't say that. They're hiding something. If they didn't have the prints, they'd come out and say so, but they don't. 
Welsh: No, no, no. It's Government. They never just come out and say anything. 
Ray: We had a seminar, 'Information Sharing in the 21st Century.' We had homework, scribblers, everything. remember? 
Welsh: Let it go. You want to get involved with the Feds? It's always a disaster. 
Ray: Hey, you're the one who wanted to know who the hell this guy was. 
Welsh: Hey, I changed my mind. 
Ray: Lieutenant, I killed a guy. 
Welsh: Detective. . . Look, the shooting team from Internal Affairs, they want you available to them so don't leave the building. 
Ray: But I didn't shoot anybody. 
Welsh: We don't have punching teams, so you're just going to have to make do. 
[theatre] 
Fraser: . . . And so, you see, when he lost his lips, he was forced to abandon the horn section and he took up the triangle. 
Nada: Do you have any idea who I am? 
Fraser: Actually, no, which is what - 
Woman behind them: Shhh! 
Fraser: My apologies. 
Nada: Are you enjoying this kind of dangerous little game? 
Fraser: That's an excellent question. First of all - 
Several people: Shhhh! 
Nada: Follow me. 
Fraser: As you wish. 
More people: Shhhh!! 
Fraser: Certainly. 
[theatre lobby] 
Nada: Who do you work for? 
Fraser: Technically, the Queen. 
Yuri: He work for the Colonels - 
[Nada retorts in Russian] 
Fraser: Oh, you're Russian? I'm sorry, I mistook you for being English. 
Woman that was behind them: Shhhh! 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me. 
[Fraser on stage] 
Whispers in audience: What?. . . What's this guy doing on the stage?. . . Who is this guy? 
[applause and shouts of approval] 
[alley outside theatre] 
Carl [into radio]: He's in the alley. 
[gunshots] 
[tires squealing] 
Pike: Get in. . . My name's Pike. Cigar? 
Fraser: No, thank you. 
Pike: Wise. Well you just landed yourself into one hell of a mess. At first, I thought that the Canadians weren't involved, but now I think you're RCMP. 
Fraser: Well, I am. 
Pike: I know you say you are, but I think you are. 
Fraser: I am, I said. 
Pike: You've got RCMP written all over your face. Who the hell would ever think you were undercover? 
Fraser: Who are you? 
Pike: Here, hold this for a second, will you? We operate on a need-to-know basis. For security reasons we're not given a full double picture of our mandates and objectives. 
Fraser: Just to be clear, your organization is so secret that even you don't know what it is doing? 
Pike: That's right. That's absolutely right. That gentleman who your partner killed this morning, he was our conduit to the location of the weapons stockpiles. Now we're back to square one. 
Fraser: Who are the Colonels? 
Pike: Colonels? Colonels? What do you know about the Colonels? 
Fraser: Well, nothing, I'm afraid. 
Pike: When the Soviet Union split up, the KGB went freelance. They split up into two groups, the Mafia and the Colonels, all fighting for control of black market activity. We believe the Colonels have an agent deep in America, code named Nautilus. 
Fraser: An odd designation. Does he lift weights? 
Pike: No, no, no one's ever seen him. He stays under for long periods of time. Nerves of steel. How much do the Canadians know? 
Fraser: Well, that depends on the Canadian. Educational opportunities vary from region to region - 
Pike: Yeah, the old double blind maneuver. I used that in Reykjavik in '81. Ever been to Reykjavik? 
Fraser: No. No, I haven't. 
Pike: They have the most beautiful women in the world there. Their skin. . . It must be the cold air. 
[siren] 
Pike: They found us! 
Fraser: No, I don't think so. 
Pike: We'll make a run to the Mexican border, change passports, new I.D.s. 
Fraser: I'm afraid that I have responsibilities. 
Pike: Time's up. Watch your step. Adios. 
[crunch] 
Boombox guy: Oh, man, my tunes! 
Fraser: Good evening. 
Boombox guy: What the. . . ? 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry about this, but a little bit of glue, I'm sure it'll be as good as new. . . Thanks for coming, Ray. 
Ray: You mind telling me what the hell is going on, Fraser? 
Fraser: Have you ever seen 'The Magic Flute'? 
Ray: Oh, yeah, hundreds of times. 
Fraser: I'm sure you'll agree with me it's the most interesting evening in the theatre. 
Ray: Oh yeah. 
[station] 
Ray: I checked with the FBI file but I couldn't find squat. 
Fraser: Well, if the FBI files are closed to us, perhaps the RCMP will be more generous with their information sharing. You know, I hope Francesca doesn't mind me using her station. 
Ray: Yeah, right. She'll never wash those keys again. It'll be like 'Wayne Newton typed here' or something. 
Fraser: I'll just lock onto the computer at the Consulate and piggy-back on the mainframe database control in Ottawa. 
Ray: Mmmmm. How did you learn to do that? 
Fraser: Well, early childhood piano training is an asset. Do you have his fingerprint card? 
Ray: Ah. . . how can she work here? It's like a pig sty. Oh, here it is. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. Consular access codes should override any restricting systems. 
Ray: That's it. 
Fraser: Carl Almazov. Former major in the KGB. Since the breakup of the Soviet Union, he's been working freelance for gun runners, drug dealers, the IRA - whoever has the price of his wage. He's suspected - oh, dear. 
Ray: What?. . . What? 
Fraser: It's top secret. 
Ray: You're kidding me. 
Fraser: No, I most certainly am not. What I'm doing right now could be considered grounds for treason. I'm afraid that you'll have to close your eyes. 
Ray: Oh, come on, Fraser. 
Fraser: You will have to close - 
Ray: Come on! 
Fraser: You will have to close your eyes! 
Ray: Oh, take a chill pill. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: Geez. 
Fraser: He is suspected of being involved in the sale of a large shipment of stolen Russian military equipment. This equipment is believed to have entered - No peeking! 
Ray: Wasn't. 
Fraser: You were. 
Ray: Wasn't. 
Fraser: Liar. . . is believed to have entered the United States during sometime between June 23 through - Stop it! 
Ray: Stop what? 
Fraser: You know very well what!. . . [mumbles] 
Ray: What are you mumbling about? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. Basically, Canadian Intelligence believes that there is a second armed group known only as the Colonels, and that they will attempt to intercept this shipment. 
Ray: Wasn't that who the chick at the ballet thought you were, the Colonels? 
Fraser: Exactly. 
Welsh: How the hell did you get into the FBI files? 
Ray: It's Canadian files. 
Fraser: RCMP files, sir. 
Welsh: Canadians have computers now? 
Fraser: Strangely, yes. In addition to that, we also have our own news magazine, Maclean's, as well as a special edition of Sports Illustrated, although that is something of a hot potato in the area of cultural protection which, I might add, the Americans refuse to acknowledge even exists. 
Welsh: That's terrific. You're to stay out of this, Detective, is that clear? 
Ray: Yes, sir. 
Welsh: All right. I'll clear you with the shooting team, but you're to have no further involvement in this. If you do, you'll be teaching traffic directing in Zaire. 
Ray: Yes, sir. 
Fraser: Sir, Zaire has changed its name. It's now the Democratic Republic of the Congo. 
Welsh: I don't care. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Welsh: Now, out, out. The two of you, get out. 
Ray: Three bags full, sir. . . What the hell does that mean? 
Fraser: Well it means there was a coup d'etat in the jungle - 
Ray: Not that! I mean, the computer. 
Fraser: It means that Mr. Hanrahan is in great danger. 
[Ray's apartment building] 
Hanrahan: Where are we going? 
Fraser: To a place where you'll be safe. 
Ruth: Are you sure this is necessary? 
Ray: That's what I said. 
Fraser: Quite necessary. 
Hanrahan: Oh, I need a rest. 
Ruth: I'm putting you straight to bed. Come on, come on. . . There. You'll be comfortable here. 
Fraser: Do you have a problem? 
Ray: I don't like old people sleeping in my bed. They smell funny, Fraser. 
Fraser: Perhaps you smell funny. 
Ruth: Are you two going to tell me what Albert is supposed to have done? 
Fraser: Well, there's a couple of things we need to do before we can be certain of anything. In the meantime, please don't answer the door to anyone and don't answer the phone. If one of us is coming over, we'll call, let it ring once, then hang up and call right back. And I'll leave Diefenbaker here with you. . . [to Dief] Stay. 
Ray: Fraser, the wolf can't stay here. 
Fraser: Why not? 
Ray: Because of the. . . uh. . . turtle. 
Fraser: Dief has no interest in the turtle. 
Ray: The turtle and the wolf are natural enemies, Fraser. Grrr. Fighting and they. . . 
Fraser [to Dief]: Stay. 
[bark] 
Fraser: Would you lock the door behind us? 
Ruth: I'll look after your turtle. 
[stairs] 
Fraser: Ray, I wonder if you could drop me by the Consulate. I want to see if I can find more information on the Colonels. 
Ray: Don't you ever sleep? 
Fraser: Well of course I do, Ray. As a matter of fact, I just had a 30-second nap coming down the stairs. It's very refreshing. 
[holding cell] 
[clang] 
Ray: Aahhh!? 
Francesca: Oh, look, you're an early riser. Well, seeing as you're up, a Miss Hanrahan's here to see you. 
Ray: Joy. . . Hanrahan? 
[squad room] 
Ray: Miss Hanrahan? Detective Vecchio. 
Nada: Oh. They said you found my father. 
Ray: Who said?
Nada: The Veterans Hospital at Waukegan. They called me last night. 
Ray: We only put that inquiry on the computer yesterday. I mean, they don't waste any time. 
Nada: I came as fast as I could. They said you found him. Four years, I'd almost given up hope. Where is he? Is he all right? 
Ray: Yeah. Uh, can I see some I.D.? 
Nada: Certainly. 
Ray: Thanks. I hate to have to ask this but there are, uh. . . Your father ever work for the government? 
Nada: No. He was an accountant, till his breakdown. He was taking treatment at the Vets and then he disappeared. Detective, I really must see my father. 
Ray: Yeah. Okay. I'll take you to him. 
[car] 
Nada: Do you often sleep at the station? 
Ray: I live by my wits, a calling that affords me at times no great measure of security. 
[phone rings] 
Ray: Vecchio. 
Frannie: Ray, I just heard back on that missing Hanrahan guy. He had a daughter. 
Ray: Francesca, way to be all over that job. Guess who's in the car with me? 
Frannie: I don't know. That's a pretty good question, seeing as the daughter drowned two years ago. 
Nada: Hang up the phone. . . Go on. 
Ray: Okay. 
Nada: Take me to him. 
Ray: No. 
Nada: Take me to him or I shoot. 
Ray: Go ahead. Go ahead, shoot, 'cause I don't care, lady. Go ahead, shoot! I don't care if you kill the both of us. I'm nuts. Come on, let's go! 
Nada: Slow down. 
Ray: I'll kill both of us! Let's go! 
Nada: Slow down. 
Ray: Yeah. Okay. 
[crash] 
Pike: Get in. 
[gunshots] 
Pike: Name's Pike. 
Ray: Hey, hey, hat's on fire. 
Pike: Huh? 
Ray: Hat's on fire! 
Pike: Oh! Geez! Oh! That hat thing, that was a mistake. Don't get the wrong idea about me. I'm a serious man. 
Ray: Yeah, right. Can I see some I.D.? 
Pike: Maybe you should show me some I.D., Ray Kowalski! 
Ray: What do you - what are you saying? 
Pike: Three years ago the Bureau O.C. Division started tracking a Mob lieutenant in Las Vegas known as Armando 'the Bookman' Langoustini. Turns out Ray Vecchio is a dead ringer for Langoustini. So what do they do? They start grooming him. And then, what do you know? What do you know happens? Car crash. Car crash, the Bookman's killed. Was it an accident? You be the judge. Anyway, this opens up a window of opportunity, so the Feds slide in Ray Vecchio as the Bookman. But this is a fragile cover, so they need to cover the cover. They need a new Ray Vecchio to slide in there at Division 27, Chicago P.D. They pick you. 
Ray: How do you know all this? 
Pike: I know everything. I know everything. They tell me everything. I mean, I know everything. You graduated from high school with a 61% average - 
Ray: 62. 
Pike: That's a failing average where I come from. You're five feet ten-and-a-half, you weigh 159 pounds, your vision is 20-60, you got, uh, no, 20-45 - 
Ray: Astigmatism. I have astigmatisms. 
Pike: You got a tattoo on your left shoulder of a Champion spark plug - 
Ray: It's my right shoulder, right - 
Pike: Satellite photos have all been reversed. 
Ray: What do you want? 
Pike: I drive the car. I do the talking. You draw the conclusions. Get it? Get out! Get out of the car! 
Ray: But - 
[crunch] 
Ray: Uh. . . Sorry. . . A little bit of glue and it'll be okay. 
[Ray's apartment] 
[Dief whine] 
Hanrahan: I woke up and you were gone. 
Ruth: Oh, I had to go out and get something for my headache. 
Hanrahan: Oh, I need a drink. 
Ruth: Now, you know I don't have money for that sort of thing. 
Hanrahan: I can get you money. Look at that. 
Ruth: Where did you get that? 
Hanrahan: I got it yesterday in the park. 
Ruth: The park? Do you know what this means? Everyone's been looking for this. There must be a code or something. 
Hanrahan: Oh, yeah, a microdot. 
Ruth: Oh, this is wonderful. 
Hanrahan: Should we call the police? 
Ruth: No! No. This is your chance to be a hero. 
Hanrahan: How? 
Ruth: You're going to get these men.
Hanrahan: I can't do that. 
Ruth: Yes, you can, and I'm going to be right with you, and nobody will ever laugh at you again. Oh, make me proud, Albert. 
Hanrahan: All right, Ruth. I will. Oh. . . 
Ruth: Let's go. . . You wait for me downstairs and I'll put the dog in the back. 
Hanrahan: Oh, Ruth, this is wonderful. 
[kiss] 
Ruth: My car is in the alleyway. 
Hanrahan: All right. 
Ruth [to Dief]: Now, let's see what we've got for you in the fridge. 
[whine] 
[Hanrahan's apartment] 
Ray: One ring, hang up, call again? 
Fraser: That's correct. It's one of the men from the theatre. 
Ray: You found him? 
Fraser: Well, I came back. I wanted another look around the room. 
Ray: What kind of person would strangle someone to death?. . . They're not answering. 
[Ray's apartment] 
Ray: Ruth?. . . Albert? 
Fraser: It's still warm. 
Ray: No one's here. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
[alley] 
Ray: Chicago P.D.! 
[gunshots] 
Fraser: I think he's going to be all right. The drug knocked him out before he could finish all the meat. That probably saved his life. 
Ray: What kind of person would poison a dog? 
Fraser: A malfeasant. 
Ray: A malfeasant? 
Fraser: A bad person. We need a car. 
Ray: Chicago P.D.! We need the car. 
Fraser: It's this way. 
[dock] 
Nada [to laborers]: Get going! Move it!. . . 
[street] 
Fraser: There's rubber marks here where the tire was flapping. These metal scrapes are from when he was riding on the rim. And this is a gasoline spill. It's low octane with dirt in the line. 
Ray: Hey, you think I'm losing my hair? 
Fraser: No, it's full-bodied and bushy, Ray. It's this way. . . At the rate he's losing gas, he couldn't have gotten much farther than this. 
Ray: Maybe he got gas. 
Fraser: Oh, Ray, come on, you know it's impossible to find a gas station in downtown Chicago. 
Ray: Hey, that's my car. 
[dock] 
Nada: Move it! Come on!. . . Get the lead out! 
Fraser: Russian weapons. . . Shh. 
Nada: Come on, come on. 
Carl: Has Yuri returned yet? 
Nada: I have a feeling Yuri will not be returning. 
Carl: Nautilus? 
Nada: The Nautilus is a bogeyman used to frighten children. Are you a child? 
Carl: No. 
Hanrahan: Get back, get back. 
Nada: Get back to work. Whoever has the microdot also has the location. If we lose the guns, we lose everything. 
Hanrahan: We have to get the police. We must trust someone. Ruth? Ruth? Ruth! 
Carl: What if it is Nautilus?
Nada: If he shows up here, he dies. 
Carl: Come on. 
Hanrahan: Oh. Oh! 
[gunshots] 
Nada: Hold them! 
Ruth: He wanted to be a hero. 
Ray: Well, you just take care of him, keep your head down. 
Ruth: Oh. 
Ray: Okay? 
Pike: Oh. Finally. 
Nada: Finally what? 
Pike: It's over. I almost had you three years ago with the diamond merchant and the 9,000 pairs of fake French blue jeans at Antwerp. 
Nada: I have never been to Antwerp. 
Pike: And again last year, at the boat show in Buenos Aires. Remember that? With that freight full of fake Dave Clark Five memorabilia? 
Nada: I hate the Dave Clark Five. 
Pike: Twenty years. For twenty years I've hunted you, Nautilus. 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Pike: Yeah? 
Fraser: I think twenty years ago she still would have been a child. 
Nada: I was in eighth grade. 
Pike: You were in the eighth grade. What, the eighth grade, that would make you, what, 12-and-a-half? Thirteen? Plus twenty. . .23. . . 32. No. That's a valid point. That's a valid - Oh, so you're the one! I knew it. I was right the first time, wasn't I? Don't, don't. I don't want to know how old you were twenty years ago or what grade you were in 'cause it's too confusing to me. I'm not good with math, so - 
Fraser: Actually, I was educated at home, and my exams, they were all flown in by bush plane. 
Ray: Drop it! Move! 
Fraser: Good work, Ray. 
Ray: Thank you. 
Pike: All right. Let me get this straight. You're not Nautilus, right? Okay, and she's not Nautilus, right? And I'm not Nautilus - 
Ray: Nautilus? Who's Nautilus? 
Ruth: Drop your guns, all of you. 
Fraser: She's Nautilus. 
Ruth: Damn right. 
Ray: You never mentioned Nautilus. 
Fraser: I realize that. 
Ruth: Drop it. 
Fraser: She had your man Yuri killed. 
Nada: So she is real. Nautilus is real. 
Ruth: Really, really real. 
Ray: Hello, am I the only one here who doesn't know who Nautilus is? 
Fraser: Yes, it would appear so, Ray. I had my suspicions when I first disarmed you. The way you laid your finger along the trigger guard. Very professional. 
Ray: Partners means sharing. You ever hear of that, Fraser? 
Fraser: Yes, I understand that. Could we deal with it later? 
Ray: Partners means sharing. 
Fraser: When you strangled Yuri, you used your knitting for the garrote. I detected traces of lanolin from the wool around his throat. 
Ruth: Very clever, but right now it's not doing you any good, is it? 
Pike: You're not going to get out of here. 
Ruth: Who's going to stop me? 
Hanrahan: I am. . . You used me. You lied to me every step of the way. 
Ruth: Oh, shut up. People lie. You lie. That's life. 
Hanrahan: No, no. Not about you. I had - I had real feelings about you. 
Ruth: You know what? You're an old fool. And you're right, you're a coward. You hide behind ideas of love when the fact is you're afraid to take what you want. 
Hanrahan: No I'm not. No I'm not. I'm not afraid any longer. 
Ruth: Don't make me shoot you. 
Hanrahan: You're going to have to. 
[Dief attacks] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Keep your eye on her. . . [to others] It's interesting you should mention the Dave Clark Five, Mr. Pike, since it's not generally known that they were more than merely entertainers. 
Hanrahan: Are you all right?
Ruth: Yes, I'm fine. You've ruined everything, you old fool. 
Fraser: Where'd he go? 
[park] 
Ray: For service to his city and his country well above and beyond the call of duty, I present this citation to Albert Hanrahan. 
[applause] 
Onlooker: The plaque, there's nothing written on it. 
Hanrahan: Of course it's blank, you fool. You think the CIA wants to broadcast its assets? The fact there's nothing written on it proves that it's genuine. 
Voice: Wolf on the loose. 
Fraser: Mr. Pike? 
Ike: No, I work with Pike. The name's Ike. Nada went back to Mother Russia, part of a prisoner exchange. 
Ray: What about the Nautilus? 
Ike: Escaped. We were transferring her back to Federal. Took out three cops with one knitting needle. Pike wanted you to have this. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. . . 'She's out there somewhere. . . 
Pike voiceover: . . . If it takes the rest of my life, I'll find her. Till we meet again. Signed, Pike.' 

End of Spy vs Spy 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Asylum

[Thatcher's office] 

Thatcher: I know it's long distance, Fraser, but I'm giving you authorization. Should anything of an urgent nature arise - and I do mean urgent as in fire, flood, famine, acts of God - these are my numbers. My cell number and pager number, my room at the spa, the front desk at the spa, the therapy rooms, the mud rooms, and, uh - you won't be needing this number. Clear? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
[phone rings] 
Fraser: Canadian Consulate, acting liaison officer Constable Benton Fraser speaking. 
Ray: She gone yet? 
Fraser: Ah, no, sir. Ah, Canada is a nation bordered by the United States to the south, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to the east and the west, and the Arctic Ocean to the north, comprising of roughly 10 million square kilometers. 
Ray: So the Ice Queen is still there. 
Fraser: Yes, sir, it can be a cold climate. 
Thatcher: Who is it? 
Ray: Fraser, I'm in a hurry. 
Fraser [to Thatcher]: It's a man in a hurry. 
Turnbull: Your limo, sir. 
Thatcher: My limo. 
Ray: Fraser, you there? 
Fraser [to Thatcher]: Have a safe trip, sir. 
Ray: Listen, Fraser, something came up. I got to meet a guy, so I won't be dropping by tonight. There's - 
Volpe: Vecchio! 
Ray: Got to go. . . [to other man] Volpe. 
Volpe: So? 
Ray: So? 
Volpe: You wouldn't be wearing a wire, would you? 
Ray: Me? 
Volpe: So you don't mind if I have a look? 
Ray: A man with style is a man who can smile. . . Ooh. . . Do you the same favor? 
Volpe: I'm a criminal. What would I be doing wearing a wire? 
Ray: Posterity? 
Volpe: Are you satisfied? 
Ray: I'm never satisfied. What do you want? 
Volpe: What do I want? You called me. 
Ray: I didn't call you. You called me. 
[gunshots] 
Officer Tibbet: Police! Stay where you are! 
Ray: Ohh. . . 
Tibbett: Police officer! Don't move! 
Ray: It's okay, I'm - 
Tibbett: I said don't move! 
Ray: Take it easy. I'm a cop - 
Tibbet: I said freeze! 
Ray: Okay, okay. Good. 
[meow - gunshots] 
Tibbett: Stop. . . 
[gunshots] 
Tibbett: . . . or I'll shoot! 
Ray: Cute sequence! 
[Consulate lobby] 
Ray: FRASER! 
[Thatcher's office] 
Ray: The guy's a psycho. He's been running his own little operation on the south side for a year or so. Drugs, guns, prostitution - your basic American dream. Ow! 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Ray: What is that? 
Fraser: It will prevent infection. You were discussing Mr. Volpe? 
Ray: It smells. . . The word is he's getting ambitious lately, so naturally I'm anxious for a face-to-face. I get there, and it's a setup. 
Fraser: You think somebody hit you? 
Ray: This stuff smells. . . I don't remember. I wake up, Volpe's dead, and I got this Uniform blasting away like Yosemite Sam - bang, bang, bang. I take off. 
Fraser: And you have no idea what happened to Mr. Volpe? 
Ray: This stuff really stinks. . . Ah, somebody shot him. It could've been anybody. It could've been me. 
Fraser: I see. 
Ray: What is that? 
Fraser: It's a concoction I made from the mucus membrane of a pregnant. . . It's not important. What is important, if I may recap, is that you were lured to a meeting with a gangland figure, and at this meeting, the gangland figure was murdered, an event of which you have no memory. The uniformed officer arrived, you resisted arrest, and you then fled the scene of the homicide. Do you agree these are the facts of the scenario? 
Ray: Did I just say that or do I have a head injury? 
Fraser: Well, Ray, I'm afraid that I have no option. By the powers that are vested in me by the government of Canada, I am placing you under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you without charge. Do you understand these rights? 
[station corridor, through squad room, to Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Don't let his exterior fool you. Cahill is a real pit bull. He's tough, he's a son of a bitch, and he's running for State's Attorney. If he wins, gentlemen, we do not want to be on his bad side because he will break our chops for eternity. Let's go in, hear him out, then we do our job. Got it? 
Cahill: Harding! Hey, how's your belly where the pig bit you? 
Welsh: Sore, Damon, sore. 
Cahill: Huey, good to see you. . . [to Dewey] Didn't you have a beard or something? 
Dewey: No, sir. 
Cahill: You look different. 
Huey: You're thinking of Louis, sir, my previous partner. 
Cahill: Yeah, yeah. Did he retire? 
Huey: No, sir. He, uh. . . 
Dewey: He was blown up in a car, sir. The name's Dewey. Nice to meet you. You look bigger in your posters. 
Cahill: It's not the size of the army, kid, it's the fury of its onslaught. . We done, huh? Done with the laughs?. . . Let's move on. . . The Volpe shooting, what's the status? 
Welsh: We're investigating, sir. 
Cahill: Was he registered as a confidential informant? 
Welsh: No. 
Cahill: What was the purpose of the meeting between Volpe and Vecchio? 
Welsh: I wasn't privy to that content. 
Cahill: Were you even aware that Volpe was going to take a meet with 
Vecchio?. . . So this meet was unauthorized. . . Tell me, is that the way you normally conduct affairs in this station? 
Welsh: What kind of question is that, Damon? 
Cahill: It's not a question, Lieutenant Welsh, it's a statement. Speaking as candidate for the office of state's attorney, I will not have members of the Chicago PD cozying up to organized crime. Speaking as an officer of the courts, I will not have members of the Chicago PD blowing them away in back alleys. Pick Vecchio up. 
Welsh: Would you escort Mr. Cahill out, Dewey? 
Cahill: Oh, Dewey, tell Huey I'm sorry about Louie. 
Reporter: Mr. Cahill. . . 
Cahill: Ah, Miss Byron. 
Reporter: Mr. Cahill, as a candidate for state's attorney, what's your response to today's shooting? 
Cahill: Well, Miss Byron, as you know I've spent the last year heading up the mayor's task force in the fight against organized crime. . . 
[Consulate] 
Cahill on TV: . . . and the battle has only reinforced in me the deep conviction that no one is above the law. Not you, not me, nobody. Especially not the police. 
Ray: The guy's campaign is dying, needs an issue, so I'm the issue. 
Fraser: Well, only temporarily. As soon as we can arrange for a blowback test to prove that you haven't fired a gun recently - 
Ray: Won't work. Small arms certification. I was on the range this morning. I'm covered in blowback. 
Fraser: Oh. Well, perhaps I'll take this opportunity to urinate. 
Turnbull: I wouldn't go in there, sir. 
Fraser: Well I have to. 
Turnbull: I wouldn't go in there. 
Fraser: Turnbull, I have lived among the musk ox. There's very little that I- 
Turnbull: It won't flush, sir. 
Fraser: Oh. Is it the standard military modified field unit? 
Turnbull: Correct. A 17-centimeter stem on a 9-liter displacement. . . 
Fraser: A 17-centimeter stem on a 9-liter displacement. Not available locally. 
Turnbull: We could have one flown in from Prince Rupert. 
Fraser: That's the ticket. Good thinking, Constable. 
Turnbull: Thank you. 
Ray: Hey, you guys sort of like the British? I mean, what's up with the toilet? The reason I ask is once we had this guy over from Scotland Yard, and every day he would drive back to the hotel just to use the can. 
Turnbull: I see nothing wrong with that, do you, sir? 
Fraser: No. 
[knock] 
Fraser: Ah. 
Huey: Okay, Fraser, don't give me a hard time. I have a warrant for his arrest. 
Fraser: I'm afraid that Ray is already under arrest, sir. 
Huey: By who? 
Fraser: By whom. 
Dewey: By whom? 
Fraser: By me. 
Huey: Fraser, you're a Mountie. You can't arrest anybody unless you're in Canada. 
Fraser: I am in Canada. 
Huey: No, no, see, this is Chicago. 
Fraser: Well, you would think so, wouldn't you, but you would be wrong. 
Dewey: Are we in the Twilight Zone? 
Fraser: You see, under the terms of the Vienna Convention 1964, this Consulate and the grounds upon which it sits is Canadian territory - 
Turnbull: - so technically, you see, Ray is in Canada. Now if you wish to arrest him, I'm afraid you will have to extradite him. These are the necessary forms to be completed in triplicate and filed with the American Embassy in Ottawa. 
Dewey: We are in the Twilight Zone. 
Huey: Fraser, you can't do this. 
Turnbull: Actually, he can. Regina versus Mombourquette, 1967. A confidence trickster was extradited to Alberta to face charges that he bilked pensioners in a phony mattress scheme. Also, in 1984, Regina versus Horowitz. A man with a very large - 
Fraser: Thank you, Turnbull. 
Turnbull: Sir. 
Fraser: Gentlemen. 
Dewey: Can we use your bathroom? 
Fraser: Oh certainly, certainly - Uh, no. Impossible. 
Ray: Hey, they really got to extradite me? 
Fraser: That's right. 
Ray: Wow. Go figure. . . Where are you going? 
Fraser: To the scene of the crime. 
Ray: A good plan. You do that, I'll get my files. 
Fraser: I'm sure the police have already picked up your files, Ray. 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, they've gotten my files, but they wouldn't have gotten my file files. I keep my secret stuff in a hollowed-out book. Let's get into it. 
Fraser: Oh, no, you don't understand, Ray. You can't leave the Consulate. 
Ray: Why? 
Fraser: Detectives Huey and Dewey are undoubtedly stationed outside waiting to arrest you the moment you step from this building. As long as you remain here, you are safe. . . Diefenbaker, let's go. 
Turnbull: Tea, Mr. Vecchio? 
Ray: Safe? 
Fraser: Welcome to Canada, Ray. 
Turnbull: Since you're a newcomer to our nation, I figured an orientation might be of some help as well as some good fun. Are you familiar with the sport known as curling? 
Ray: No. 
[crime scene] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Stay here. 
Dief:  Bark 
Fraser: Good boy. 
Dief:  Bark. 
Fraser: What have you found? 
Dief: Whine. 
Fraser: Yeah. Gunpowder. The gunman fired from here after waiting for his victims to arrive. . . And he was a heavy smoker. . . Some soft of salve. What do you think? 
[squad room - Ray's desk] 
Kilrae: This all of Vecchio's stuff? 
Welsh: Yeah, and I want a receipt for all of it. 
Kilrae: Don't worry about it. 
Welsh: I always worry when Internal Affairs starts messing with my detectives. 
Kilrae: If I need anything else, I'll call you. Oh, and I'll need a copy of any phone messages he gets. Every message. 
Welsh: Hey, hey, I don't have enough people here to take messages for the people who work here. You want Vecchio's messages? You work dispatch. 
[supply closet] 
Frannie: Fraser? 
Fraser: I'm right here. 
Frannie: You smell great. 
Fraser: That would be the neat's-foot oil. 
Frannie: You wear neat's-foot oil? 
Fraser: On my Sam Browne. . . My belt. 
Frannie: Oh. 
Fraser: Ah. Sergeant Kilrae. Just the man I was looking for. 
Kilrae: You're looking for me in the closet? 
Fraser: Well, no, I'm in the closet for an altogether different reason. 
Frannie: I wish. 
Kilrae: Who the hell are you? 
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, and I certainly don't mean to step on any jurisdictional toes, but Ray Vecchio did not shoot Mr. Volpe. 
Kilrae: Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Who cares? 
Fraser: I do. 
Kilrae: Listen to me. Ray Vecchio is a smartass. He brings the heat down on all decent cops. If Cahill wants Vecchio, I'm going to give him Vecchio. And you're going to give me that book. 
Fraser: Oh dear. . . 
[Consulate] 
TV commentator: The Canadian team has one in the four-foot and is going to play the guard. . . 
Ray: Anything that moves that slowly is not a sport. 
Turnbull: Not a sport. . . 
Ray: This is not a sport, it's housework. 
Turnbull: It is a calling. 
Ray: It may be a pastime, it may even be a hobby, but it is definitely not a sport. 
Turnbull: Do you want to fight? 
Ray: Over curling? 
Turnbull: Yes. What if I made fun of baseball? 
Ray: All right. 
Fraser: Afternoon, gentlemen. 
Ray: Hey, you're empty-handed. 
Fraser: But I am not empty-trousered. 
Ray: Yes!. . . Yes! 
Turnbull: Sir?. . . Sir! 
Fraser and Turnbull: *SSSWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP* 
Turnbull: Oh, I love this game! 
Ray: That - Eddy Herndorff. Old-style gangster. Guy's ruthless. Once he cut the muscles out of a guy's legs with a sword 'cause he cut him off in traffic. That - Gus Fillion, Eddy's main competitor. Sees himself as a Renaissance sort of guy. These two used to duke it out, but they've been getting along lately. Getting along until. . . Andreas Volpe, the glue-huffing psychopath. Local kid with big ambitions. 
Fraser: So it's your theory, if I may recap, that Volpe challenged their authority and was killed as a result? 
[bell rings] 
Ray: Yeah. See, that's why we're policemen, Fraser. We get to figure these kind of things out. 
Fraser: Right you are, Ray, right you are. I think it's time that I paid Mr. Fillion a visit. 
Ray: Look, no offense, Fraser, but these are Chicago hard guys. I mean, you can be as polite as you want, but they can have you hanging from a meat hook in 13 seconds. 
Fraser: Well I'm not without my resources, Ray. 
Turnbull: Sir? Your presence. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Ray: Your presence? What are you, like a king or something? 
Fraser: To Turnbull, yes. 
[lobby] 
Fraser: Ah, Lieutenant Welsh. Nice to see you. Welcome to Canada, sir. 
Welsh: Fraser, this is Assistant State's Attorney Cahill. 
Fraser: It's an honor, sir. I've seen your posters all over town. 
Cahill: Constable, I'll come straight to the point. I'd like you to surrender Detective Vecchio to me. 
Fraser: Well, I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. The extradition treaty between our two countries is very specific - 
Cahill: We want to question Vecchio in connection with more than a particularly vicious homicide. I've suspected for some time that organized crime has an informant somewhere inside the police department in this city. 
Welsh: Sir, I don't think we have to bother Constable Fraser with that. 
Cahill: I want this man to understand what he's interfering with. 
Fraser: I think I can put your mind at rest on that point, sir. Ray had nothing to do with this murder, and I can personally vouch for his integrity. 
Cahill: I'm supposed to take your word on that? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
Cahill: Uh-huh. 
Welsh: You see, sir, Constable Fraser doesn't lie. 
Cahill: Oh, that's an admirable quality in times of peace, but we're in the middle of a war. A war against crime and corruption, and I demand your cooperation! The city of Chicago demands your cooperation! 
Fraser: And you shall have it, sir, to the full extent of the law. 
Cahill: Are you mocking me? Are you mocking this city, this administration? 
Fraser: Certainly not, sir. No. We greatly appreciate the generosity shown to us by the people of Chicago, and I assure you should you ever find yourself in Nunavut, you will not be wanting for a meal. 
Cahill: Come here. Come here. . . You know, this Marquis of Queensbury thing and your grammar and all, it's very quaint. But I just want to remind you that we took Grenada, we beat the snot out of Haiti, we knocked Panama on its ass, and if needs be, we can take this little piss pot too! Have a nice evening. 
Fraser: Oh dear. . . 
[Fraser provides explanation in Inuktitut for family filling out forms] 
[Fraser Sr's office] 
Fraser Sr: Close the door, son. Anyone would think you were born in a barn. 
Fraser: I was. 
Fraser Sr: Oh. That's true enough. 
Fraser: You always told me that the most important thing a man can do is his duty, and . . . 
Fraser Sr: Uh-huh. 
Fraser: I'm about to embark on a somewhat devious course of action and I'm not entirely sure where my duty actually lies. 
Fraser Sr: 1961. 
Fraser: All right. 
Fraser Sr: I was ordered to help 32 Inuit families relocate 500 miles further north on Ellesmere Island. We had some dispute with the Russians - this was long before the Canada Cup - and we wanted to demonstrate our sovereignty over the far north. Now I'd been up to Ellesmere Island and I knew that life up there would be hard, if not impossible. I said as much to my superiors but they were adamant and I had my orders. 
Fraser: So what did you do? 
Fraser Sr: The only thing I could do. I went up to Ellesmere and I marked out 32 plots of land. I threw up a flag, opened up a post office. Tom Goforth, a young man from one of the families, lived up there all alone for the first year, receiving all these relocation checks. He forwarded them back to the families, who used the money to hire a lawyer who won their case against their relocation in court. 
Fraser: So you created a fictitious town. 
Fraser Sr: Well, Ellesmere was listed in MacLean's that year as having the lowest crime rate in North America. . . Your heart is where your duty lies, son. Your head is just along to help with the driving. 
Fraser: Oh. Uh, Tom Goforth - what happened to him? 
Fraser Sr: Tom? Tom, I believe, moved to Winnipeg and went to work in a record store, but that's not relevant to this situation. 
Fraser: No. . . 
[car outside the Consulate] 
Dewey: Is that really a wolf? 
Huey: He can bring down a caribou. 
Dewey: Just the weak ones. It's known as calling the herd. 
Huey: Culling. 
Dewey: What? 
Huey: Culling the herd, not calling the herd. 
Dewey: Well what did I say? 
Huey: You said - forget it. 
[Fillion's bar] 
Fraser: I'd like to speak to a Mr. Fillion, if I could. 
Man: Hey, boss. . . 
Fillion: Is that a wolf? 
Fraser: Half wolf, actually. 
Fillion: Is that legit? 
Fraser: Yes. Yes. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I've remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate. 
Fillion: Come here. . . I painted all these. I love dogs. Not candy-assed drop-kick dogs, you understand. I mean real dogs. 
Fraser: A very deft touch. It's amazingly lifelike. 
Fillion: It's just something to do. It's better than clowns. I hate clowns. I had an experience with a clown. . . Won't do them. 
Fraser: It's understandable. 
Fillion: So you're the one that has Vecchio stashed away, huh? 
Fraser: He is suspected of shooting a man named Andreas Volpe. 
Fillion: So give him a medal. 
Fraser: He's innocent of the charge. 
Fillion: So you think I did it. 
Fraser: I've formed no opinion, sir. I'm merely gathering information, proceeding more or less along the lines of a royal commission. 
Fillion: I like you. You can talk. Most of the cops around here can't string a sentence together. 
Fraser: The Academy stresses language skills as highly as it does hand-to-hand combat and snowmobile repair. 
Fillion: I am going to paint you, both. 
Fraser: We would be honored. 
Fillion: Listen, I had no reason to whack Volpe. Volpe was very valuable to me. He had good information. Information is power. But the word is that Herndorff was looking for some out of town talent. 
Fraser: Was he successful? 
Fillion: You be the judge. So. You like my work? 
Fraser: Very much, yes. This one, I take it, would be a homage to Milton Glazer? 
Fillion: That's right. . . Here, take one. . . Take two. . . Here. I churn three or four of these out a day. 
Fraser: I appreciate that. Thank you kindly. 
[car outside of Consulate] 
Dewey: Vecchio eats a lot of pizza. How does he stay so slim, you figure? 
Huey: Maybe he works out. 
Dewey: When? 
Huey: In secret. 
Dewey: When no one's looking, you mean? 
Huey: Maybe. 
Dewey: Sneaky guy. 
[Consulate] 
Ray: There's no pineapple. Where's the pineapple? 
Sandor: Tony don't put pineapple on 'em no more. Said it ain't right for the pizzas. 
Ray: What is Tony, the Surgeon General all of a sudden? Get in there. . . 
[to Turnbull] Can you get out? We need the room. 
Turnbull: No. No, Ray. In Canada, when we wish someone to leave the room, we say, 'Could you please leave the room.' 
Ray: Could you please leave the room before I punch you in the head? 
Turnbull: You see? You see how easy that is?. . . [to Sandor] Hello, welcome to Canada. 
Ray: All right, Sandor, I know you're plugged in. Talk to me. What are they saying? Who whacked Volpe? 
Sandor: They're sayin' maybe you did, they're sayin' maybe Herndorff 'cause he's nuts, and they're sayin' maybe Fillion 'cause him and Volpe had a beef. 
Ray: What kind of beef? 
Sandor: It's not that serious. Volpe tried to stick a bundle under Fillion's car. 
Ray: So Fillion had him whacked. 
Sandor: Well, if it wasn't you and it wasn't Herndorff. . . 
Ray: All right, listen. You get back out there, put the word out on the street the Mountie wants to see Herndorff. 
Sandor: Herndorff? Ain't nobody wants to see Herndorff, right? 
Ray: Did you just question my judgment? 
Sandor: I did. 
Ray: And what do I have to do? 
Sandor: You have to hit me, Ray. 
Ray: [thump] . . . Correct 
Sandor: Thank you. 
Ray: You're welcome. Now get back out there. . . Damn! 
Turnbull: Canada and Denmark are going to extra ends. 
Ray: I gotta use the can. 
Turnbull: It's broken. 
Ray: You're right, so I'll go across the street. 
Turnbull: You can't. The police are outside. 
Ray: Right. That's why I need your uniform. 
Turnbull: Out of the question. 
Ray: Okay. I'll whiz in the sink. 
Turnbull: No! 
TV commentator: Unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen! If this sport were to last a thousand years, I don't think you'll ever see a shot like that again! 
[phone rings] 
Ray: Yeah? 
Thatcher: Who's this? 
Ray: Uh, it's, uh, it's not an embassy, it's. . . hey, what's the name of this place again? 
Thatcher: It's a consulate and this is Inspector Thatcher. Who is this? 
Ray: Ray. 
Thatcher: Oh! 
Ray: Ray. 
Thatcher: Mmmm! 
Ray: Detective Raymond Vecchio. 
Thatcher: I know your name, Detective. Is Constable Fraser there? 
Ray: No can do. He's out hanging with gangsters. 
Thatcher: I leave for a matter of hours and the whole operation falls apart. Is Constable Turnbull there? 
Ray: Uh, yeah, hang on. . . Turnbull! Ice Queen! Phone!. . . Ray. 
Thatcher: Ummm! 
Ray: I got the touch. 
[car outside Consulate] 
Dewey: Abmaster. 
Huey: Maybe. . . Dancercize. 
Dewey: Dancercize? 
Huey: Treadmill. 
Dewey: Free weights. 
Huey: Aerobics. 
Dewey: Step machine. 
Huey: Stationary bike. 
[street] 
[Dief whine] 
Man in wheelchair: Excuse me, young man. . . Get in or I shoot the dog! 
[Dief barks] 
[garage] 
Fraser: Evening, Ray. 
Ray: Hello, Fraser. 
Fraser: It's not a bad fit, all in all. 
Ray: Arms are a bit long. 
Fraser: You can always have them altered. 
Ray: I know. Good deal. 
Herndorff: How are you? If I had this heat on me, I'd be in some deep hole right now, not out parading in a red suit. 
Ray: I came to make you a deal, Eddy. 
Herndorff: Make me a deal? The whole town's out looking for who whacked Volpe - you - and you're going to make me a deal. Funny guy. 
Ray: Come on, I didn't kill Volpe. I'm a cop. 
Herndorff: Oh yeah, I forgot. That would be illegal. 
Ray: It was Fillion, we both know that. You help me, I'll nail him. 
Herndorff: Hey. You do your job. I'll do mine. 
Ray: Oh, so, you're going to kill a cop now, Eddy, is that it? Do you know what happens when you kill a cop? They hound you to your grave, Eddy. They'll hound you beyond your grave. 
Fraser: I don't think we have to worry, Ray. I don't think Mr. Herndorff intends to kill us. There are three - no, make that four police cruisers traveling towards us on Michigan Avenue at approximately 122 kilometers an hour. No, I believe that Mr. Herndorff intends to turn us over to the police. 
Herndorff: You got good ears, Red. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Herndorff: Oh, uh, Ray? You know, I really think you're going to enjoy prison. . . [to henchmen] Let's go. 
Ray: I'm not going to jail. . . the food. . . the conversation. . . sexual hijinks. . . I can't handle it. 
Fraser: You may not have to, Ray. I think help is on its way. 
Ray: Oh yeah? In what form? 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. I think he followed me. 
Ray: Yeah?. . . Come on. . . Come on!. . . Dief! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: Dief! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: Dief! 
Fraser: Ray! 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: It's pointless to yell. As you know, he's deaf. We'll just have to wait for him to find us. 
Ray: . . . I'm not that good at waiting. 
Fraser: Just be patient. 
Ray: . . . I mean, I'm really not that good at waiting. 
Fraser: Shhh. 
Ray: . . . I was 3 weeks premature. What does that tell you? 
Fraser: Here he comes. 
Ray: Hey, come on, boy. Come on, come on. Hey, hey, I think he likes me. 
Fraser: He likes the pizza. . . [speaks a few words to Dief in Inuktitut] 
Ray: Huh? 
Fraser: It's Inuktitut. It's a slightly less complex language, easy for him to read. 
Ray: What does it mean? 
Fraser: It means, 'fetch the knife from the hood of that car and apply it to the ties that bind us'. . . Come on. 
Ray: Come on. 
Fraser: [speaks several words in Inuktitut to Dief] 
Ray: Meaning? 
Fraser: Hide. 
Voices: Search every inch! Come on! Over here! Check those stairs! Go up the stairwell! Over here! 
Kilrae: See if somebody can find a light! Let's go! Two guys in red suits, people, how hard can it be?
Fraser: You all right? 
Ray: Good. 
Fraser: You sure? 
Ray: Pants are itchy. 
Fraser: Yeah. . . You know, I once spent 13 hours hanging like this underneath a suspension bridge with a mountain cat swiping at me from above. He tore my lanyard, ripped my epaulette, oh. . . 
Ray: And what happened? 
Fraser: Well, fortunately the nuns at Fort McLeod practiced invisible mending. . . Shh-shh-shh. 
Officer: The place is clean. 
Kilrae: All right, let's get out of here. 
Fraser: I knew you could do it! 
Ray: . . . [squeak] Thank you. 
[door bell, knock at Consulate] 
Fraser: Ah, Lieutenant Welsh, nice to see you. 
Welsh: Nice to see you, Fraser. . . You going to let me stand out here all night? 
Fraser: Oh, I'm sorry. Come in, please. 
Welsh: We got to talk. 
Fraser: Well, let's use my office then. . . Oh, sir, sorry, it's this way. 
Welsh: It's this guy Cahill - 
Fraser: Sir, it's a little further back. It's, uh, just through here. . . 
Welsh: Excuse me. 
Fraser: Ray, would you care to join us?. . . Lieutenant Welsh was just informing me that Assistant State's Attorney Cahill has filed a special request with our Department of External Affairs to expedite your extradition. 
Ray: Uh. . . come again? 
Welsh: It means that at 9 a.m. tomorrow morning, they're going to come in and yank your ass out of here. . . [to Fraser] You spend all day here? 
Fraser: I go out for lunch. 
Ray: Look, Lieutenant, I am telling you, I had nothing to do with that murder. 
Welsh: I believe you. 
Ray: You do? 
Welsh: We know there's a rat in major crime. He must have been leaking to Volpe because no matter what we threw at Volpe, he was able to walk. . . [to Fraser] There must be 20 rooms in this house. Why'd you pick this one? 
Fraser: The others are much less intimate. 
Ray: It's Kilrea. You check his arrest stats. He's dirty, I'm telling you. Herndorff turns me in, who does he call? His little buddy Kilrea. 
Fraser: Was Kilrea on the firing range the morning you qualified? 
Ray: I don't know. 
Welsh: That would be easy enough to check out. 
Fraser: What about the officer at the scene of the shooting. Tibbet. Has anyone spoken to her? 
Welsh: I.A. told us to butt out. 
Ray: That is one sick puppy. She needs a valium the size of a cheeseburger. 
[gym - boxing ring] 
Tibbet: I am sick and tired of people telling me that I am uptight. I'm not uptight. I'm alert. There is a difference between being uptight and alert. 
Fraser: I couldn't agree with you more. 
Tibbet: Do you think Society wants laid-back cops? I don't think so. We're in a war out there, and I'm on the front line. Hey! No street shoes in the gym. 
Fraser: I anticipated as much. That's why I've taken precautions. . . Now, I'm curious. Didn't Detective Vecchio identify himself as a police officer? 
Tibbet: Anyone can say that. You drop your guard for a second, they drop you. 
Fraser: Officer Tibbet, I am quite sure Detective Vecchio did not shoot Mr. Volpe. Now, it would help my investigation enormously if you could tell me exactly what you saw. 
Tibbet: I knew something was going to go down in that alley. 
Fraser: Instinct? 
Tibbett: No. Phone call. Yeah, I was on edge, but I wasn't as much on edge as I was the last time. 
Fraser: The last time? 
Tibbet: Yeah, when I shot the kid. . . I was exonerated, you know. Big deal. I know what they say. 'She's a woman, and a woman can't take the pressure of the job.' What a load of crap! I'd be just as ready to snap if I were a man! 
Fraser: I'm sure you would.
Tibbet: What, you don't believe me? 
Fraser: Oh, no, I'm sure you're quite capable of snapping regardless of your sex. . . Now, this telephone call you say that you received - do you know who it was from? 
Tibbet: Nah, he didn't say. But I know I recognized the voice. A guy. I met him a couple of times. Worked for Damon Cahill. 
[bell rings] 
Fraser: Well, you're a switch hitter. . . [to sparring partner] My mistake. 
[car outside Consulate] 
Dewey: Another pizza? 
Huey: Definitely working out. Maybe in the pool. 
Dewey: Um-hmm. 
Huey: Thirty laps a day at least. 
Dewey: Could be aerobics. 
Huey: I'm starving. . . Hey, buddy, come here! 
[Consulate] 
Ray [to Sandor]: Look, I'm not paying for their pizza. That's thievery. And there's no pineapple. 
Sandor: Hey, no one tells Tony how to make pizza, all right? He left Russia to be free. 
Fraser: I think it's quite tasty. 
Ray: Like your favorite toppings aren't blubber and lichen. 
Fraser: Kilrae was on the range yesterday but this is interesting. He wasn't supposed to be there. He qualified the day before. 
Ray [listening on phone]: Yeah, thank you. . . [to Fraser] J.P. Tibbet shot a kid last year when she was working on the organized crime task force. 
Sandor: I was having a drink the other night with this guy, definitely an O.C., a big talker, real big mouth, right? He's talking about how Fillion brought him in on this big job. Now here's the kicker. He had this real stinky painting with him. Said Fillion had gave it to him. It was like a rottweiler playing poker with his friends or something. 
Fraser: Fillion. 
Ray: Fillion. . . Herndorff. . . Cahill. . . Kilrea. . . Hey, got the makings of a bonspiel - 
Fraser: What's wrong? 
Ray: I just made a curling reference. . . I'm going to go lie down. 
Sandor: Ahem. 
Fraser: Oh. Payment. 
Sandor: That would be nice. In U.S. bills, if you please. 
Dief: Woof! 
Fraser: Excuse me. I'll be right back. 
[hallway] 
Ray: Come on. . . Stupid dog, stupid dog, stupid- . . . Get out of my way. Come on! 
Fraser: Ray? Where are you going? 
Ray: Hey, I can't wait around for Cahill and his goons to come and arrest me. I got to do something. 
Fraser: Do what, Ray? And where? Everyone in this city on both sides of the law is looking for you. 
Ray: Well, yeah, that may be, but I gotta do something. 
Fraser: Yes, you do. You have to trust me. 
Ray: Trust you, Fraser? I don't even know if I trust me. You know, I don't think I whacked Volpe. But I can't remember details. That might have been my finger on the trigger. 
Fraser: You didn't shoot that man. 
Ray: How do you know? How do you know? How can you be so sure? 
Fraser: Because I know you. You're my partner. And you're my friend. 
Ray: . . . Was that hard to say? 
Fraser: Not in the least. 
Ray: Are you going to call your dog off? 
Fraser: I'm afraid I can't do that. Come on, let's go watch some curling. 
Dief: Whine 
[outside the Consulate] 
Cahill [to Kilrae]: You got the papers? 
Kilrae: Oh, yeah. 
Cahill: All right, men, follow me. 
Reporter: Sir? Sir? Sir? 
Cahill: Okay, let's do it. 
Reporter: This is Shelley Byron reporting live from the steps of the Canadian Consulate. 
[inside, on TV] 
Cahill: As you know, as state prosecutor I have been concerned for some years about the level of corruption in our city and particularly within our police force. So keep your lenses clean and watch this. 
Fraser: Ah. Good morning. 
Cahill: I have a signed order here for the extradition of Raymond Vecchio. 
Fraser: Yes, certainly. Won't you please come in. 
Turnbull: Excuse me, sir. 
Cahill: What? 
Turnbull: You're fine. 
[bleeping] 
Turnbull: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but firearms are not permitted on the premises. 
Kilrae: What the hell is he talking about? 
Fraser: We have very strict gun laws here in Canada. Now, I don't make the rules, I simply enforce them. But I took an oath very similar to the one you gentlemen took, I should imagine, without the references to the Queen of course. 
Turnbull: . . . Ooh, sir. A two-tone Baretta, model 92, nine millimeter, 11 rounds in the magazine, sporting a muzzle velocity of 2,000 feet per second. Very nice. 
Fraser: Very nice indeed. 
Turnbull: Thank you. Enjoy the show. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[outside the Consulate] 
Uniform: I'm sorry, ma'am. You can't go in there. 
Thatcher: That's my building. 
Uniform: Ma'am? 
Thatcher: And none of these cars are properly parked. 
Uniform: Ma'am? Ma'am? 
[inside] 
Fraser: Andreas Volpe was a man who made a lot of enemies. One of those enemies killed him. The question is, which one? I brought you all together here to help answer that question. Was it Eddy Herndorff, a ruthless competitor, a man whose role he was trying to usurp? 
Herndorff: I don't have to listen to this. 
Fraser: Perhaps it was Mr. Fillion. Mr. Fillion claims that he was receiving information from Mr. Volpe. Perhaps that information was costing too much. 
Fillion: You're a smart guy, Mountie. It doesn't pay to get too smart. 
Fraser: Ah, well, maybe that was Mr. Volpe's problem. Maybe he was too smart. He certainly had information. But where was he getting it from? Maybe it was from his contact in the Justice Department. Someone who was offering him the protection of his office in exchange for information relating to criminal activity. 
Cahill: Are you suggesting I was leaking to Volpe? 
Fraser: I don't recall mentioning your name, Mr. Cahill. 
Cahill: I don't see anyone else in here fitting that description. 
Fraser: Or maybe it was a cop, a man who had made a deal with the devil but had decided that Mr. Volpe was a liability and not an asset. Fortunately, we don't need to speculate any more. The killer was not alone in that alley. There was a witness to the murder. A witness too afraid to come forward but who has placed a sworn affidavit in this envelope which was delivered to me. 
Cahill: That is evidence in an ongoing criminal investigation! Give it to me right now or I'll have you arrested for obstruction of justice! 
Fraser: Certainly. Let me open it first. 
Cahill: This is evidence! I have - 
Fraser: It is, in point of fact, a blank piece of paper. But one that has proved quite revealing. 
Voices from hallway: Excuse me, Miss. . . Get your hands off of me! 
Fraser: What are you going to do? There are millions of people watching. 
Cahill: It didn't hurt O.J. . . Try to follow me, I'll kill her. 
Thatcher: Didn't I meet you at the Chilean Consulate party? 
Fraser: Cahill! I'm going to count to three. One. . . 
Cahill: Wait a minute. I've got the gun here. 
Fraser: Two. . . 
Cahill: What have you got? 
Thatcher: Me! 
Fraser: First, officer, may I just say that your time at the spa has done wonders for your muscle tone and your reflexes. The sunburn, on the other hand - if I could recommend. . . 
[general confusion in lobby as Turnbull tries to return handguns] 
[outside Consulate] 
Thatcher: Fraser, I will expect your report to be on my desk by 0900 hours, and if your explanation isn't satisfactory, you can expect to be transferred to Baffin Island. 
Fraser: Understood, sir. 
Thatcher: Detective. 
Ray: Call me. . . Ray. 
[Fraser Senior's office] 
Fraser: Excuse me. . . uh. . . you are. . . ? 
Joe: Joe. 
Fraser: And you would be. . . ? 
Joe: Dead. 
Fraser: And my father is. . . ? 
Joe: Fishing. 
Fraser: I see. . . Well, could you just. . .? Well, tell him I stopped by. . .Oh, and could you tell him it, uh. . . ? 
Joe: It worked? 
Fraser: Yes. . . Thank you kindly. 

End of Asylum
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Perfect Strangers

[Ray's car] 
Ray: He's one of those hard luck cases. He bets on a horse, horse dies. He buys horse meat, meat's bad. But his information's good, so I slip him 50 bucks now and then. 
Fraser: You say hard luck. Do you mean hard luck as in. . .? 
Ray: Hard luck as in he wasn't fortunate enough to be born in an igloo 5,000 miles away without TV, water, or drive through. 
Fraser: What do you mean by that? 
Ray: I'm being ironical. 
Fraser: Ahh. 
Ray: You better wait in the car cause Sonny won't talk to me if you're there. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: You want the radio? 
Fraser: No. That's all right. I've got a Mahler symphony I'd like to listen to. 
Ray: Yeah, well, you need the keys. 
Fraser: Well, there's no need, Ray. I have the score right here. 
[Bar; Ray sits as Sonny and another man finish a game of pool] 
George: Pay up, buddy. 
Sonny: I don't have any money. 
George: What do you mean, you don't have any money? 
Sonny: I don't have any money. 
George: You don't have 10 bucks? 
Sonny: Relax. . . [sits with Ray]. . . So how's it going, huh? 
Ray: Good. Hey, you want a beer? 
Sonny: Yeah, thanks. 
Ray: Two beers. . . Cheers. . . [to waitress] Thanks. 
Ray: So what happened at the job at the video store? 
Sonny: That guy was a jerk, man. I mean, I appreciate your help, but that guy was a jerk. My mother dies, he wouldn't give me a week off. 
Ray: Sonny, your mother died a year ago. 
Sonny: Grief has its own timeframe. You can't rush it. 
Ray: Look, your parole officer know that you're living upstairs here? 
Sonny: No. It's only just temporary. Irene's pregnant, right? We get our first welfare check, we're movin' in together. It'll be a nice place. 
Ray: That's great. That's good. I mean that. So, you got anything for me? 
Sonny: Umm-hmm. That container of computers that got lifted off the docks last week? I know one of the guys - 
Ray: You know one of the guys? 
Sonny: I know a guy who knows one of the guys. 
Ray: All right. That's more like it. 
[Ray pays Sonny; George grabs at the money] 
Sonny: Hey! 
George: Give me my money! 
Ray: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Break it up, break it up, break it up!. . . [to George] Take a walk. . . [to Sonny] You sit down. 
George: I still want my money. 
Sonny: He hustled me. 
Ray: Oh, yeah? Well, drop it. Let it go. 
Sonny: I got to go to the can. 
[Car; Dief whines] 
Fraser: Well, what do you expect? You eat an entire pizza and drink a gallon of water, you will have to pee ten times an hour. The concept is called cause and effect. Although I realize it may be somewhat difficult for you to grasp, it's something you should try to come to grips with. It will make life a whole lot simpler. 
[Gets out, waits on sidewalk for Dief] 
[Bar; Ray checks on Sonny, George runs out; bumps into Fraser, who falls on Dief] 
Fraser: Sorry, boy. Get Ray. 
[Chases man; Ray meets uniformed police when they arrive] 
Ray: He's inside. Nobody goes in or out. 
Fraser: Ray? [hands over George] 
Dewey: All yours, Al. 
[EMS takes Sonny out] 
Dewey: Photo guys are done. ??? guys are moving in now. 
Ray [holds out a small pin]: This was in his hand. 
Dewey: Hey, what's that? 
Fraser: OTT Club. 
Ray: Over The Top? 
Fraser: Commercial airlines hand these out to their flight crews. This one would commemorate 100 trips over the Pole. Top of the world. Judging from the maple leaves inset with filigree, I'd say this was a Canadian airline. 
Ray: Canadian? 
Fraser: Airline. 
Ray: Filigree. 
Fraser: Um-hmm. 
[Interrogation room] 
George: I never seen it before. I told you. I don't even know what it is. 
Ray: Ever been to Canada, George? 
George: Canada? Come on, man, I'm not even allowed out of the state. Look, I told you already. I went to the can and there he was on the floor. I didn't do it. He was already there. Is he going to be okay? 
Ray: No. He's dead. 
George: Dead? The guy's dead? 
Ray: Yeah. Real dead. You guys were arguing about money. 
George: Money? Ten bucks! Why would I kill somebody for 10 bucks? 
Ray: You and I both know it's never about the money. It's about who's right, who's on top, who's Mr. Big, right? 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Enough, enough. Just go find Ray. Now. 
Francesca: I'll talk to you when your super-ego is in more control of your id. . . Hi, Fraser. 
Fraser: Ah, Francesca. 
Dief: Whine 
Francesca: What's with him? 
Fraser: I fell on him. I think he was - well, I think he was startled more than he was actually hurt. But apparently I haven't been paying enough attention to him. You know, the fact is, I think it's largely psychosomatic, so I'm just trying to ignore it. 
Francesca: Really? See, I never knew that dogs were so psychological. Have you ever heard of Pamela's dog? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid not. 
Francesca: Really? Yeah, she's, oh yeah, she's famous. She drooled. I'm taking a psychology course. 
Fraser: Oh, perhaps you mean Pavlov's dog. . . 
[Interrogation room] 
George: Look, I told you I didn't do it. 
Ray: What about your fingerprints all over the knife? 
George: I told you. I was trying to pull it out. 
Ray: Oh. Pull it out, not push it in, right? 
[knock] 
Ray: What?!! 
Francesca: Uh, the lieutenant wants to see you. 
Ray: Okay! Thank you. 
[Welsh's office] 
Ray: What the hell's going on? I'm in the middle of a - 
Welsh: Have a seat. Go ahead, Constable. 
[Fraser inserts a VHS tape into a player, turns it on] 
Ray: What the hell's this? 
Welsh: Quiet, Detective. 
[Woman in a taxi on dark deserted street] 
Ray: What is this? 
Welsh: Patience, Detective. Let it unfold. 
Fraser: We think she knew the driver. 
[Woman gets out] 
Ray: Hey, wait a minute. A stewardess. Does this have anything to do with that Over The Top pin? 
Welsh: Shhh! Just watch it, Detective. 
[Man assaults woman, tape ends] 
Welsh: That's it. 
Ray: That's what? 
Fraser: It's an RCMP recreation of a crime that took place in Toronto 2 days ago. 
Ray: That's a police recreation? 
Fraser: It's interesting, isn't it? The Government funding of the arts in Canada produced a glut of filmmakers at the same time as American domination of Canadian cinemas left these enthusiastic young artists with very few arenas in which to ply their craft. 
Welsh: That's a human tragedy, Constable. . . The Toronto police have given us a positive ID on the number on the pin. It belongs to the victim in that crime there, Chantal Bowman. Age 26. Been dead for 36 hours. Homicide. Still unsolved. 
Ray: Okay. So a stewardess in Canada - 
Fraser: Flight attendant. 
Ray: A waitress in the sky in Canada is killed. Her pin shows up in the hands of a loser like Sonny in the south side of Chicago in this dump? What is the deal? 
Welsh: Well, that's why we have detectives, Detective. You are going to figure out that troublesome problem for us. 
Ray: How? 
[Toronto airport] 
Ray: So this French-English thing. They do it all the time? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray: You mean, like, hello-allo, what's happening-que pasa? I mean, wow, it's going to take us twice as long to get anything done. 
Fraser: It's not in everyday speech, Ray. It's just in official announcements and the like. 
Ray: How many of the French live in Toronto? 
Fraser: Actually, very few. Most of the non-English population is composed of Italian, Portuguese, and Chinese. 
Ray: They speak French? 
Fraser: Not really, no. 
Ray: Then why the. . .? 
Fraser: Well, it's kind of a complex issue, Ray. You know, suffice it to say that we adopted a policy of multiculturalism as opposed to the melting pot of your American model. You know, it might be instructive, and just a little bit of fun too, to pick up a copy of the Royal Commission's report on the official bilingualism on our way downtown. 
Ray: A little bit of fun, eh? 
Fraser: Could be fun. 
[Step outside; passerby picks up piece of litter] 
Fraser: I'll hail a cab. 
Ray: It's clean. . . Too clean. 
[Fraser is detained by a group of tourists; a taxi pulls up but two businessmen reach it before Ray] 
First: Oh. Oh, you go on. 
Second: No, no, my mistake. Are you in a hurry? 
First: My daughter's recital. 
Second: Oh really? How old? 
First: Six. 
Second: Ah, that's such a great age. 
First: Yeah. 
Second: Let me give you a hand here. . . 
[At intersection, a man is hawking hockey tickets] 
Man: Hey, you need Leaf tickets? 
Ray: Leafs suck. 
Man: Leafs rule. 
Ray: Hawks rule. 
Man: Hawks suck. 
Ray: You suck. 
Fraser: You are bilingual, Ray. 
[RCMP building] 
Ray: Oooh. The mother ship. 
[Conference room] 
Officer: I was very sorry about your father. He was a good man. 
Fraser: Yes, he was. 
Officer: Please, sit down. . . [a photo]. . . This is the murdered woman. Chantal Bowman. We've confirmed that the pin you found at the murder site in Chicago was hers. 
Ray: Uh, we already got somebody in custody for that murder, but we haven't come up with a connection yet. 
Officer [another photo]: There is another complication. 
Fraser: General Bowman. 
Ray: Who's he? 
Fraser: He's one of our country's most decorated soldiers. Recently honored by the United Nations for his peacekeeping efforts. 
Officer: He's also the father of the dead girl and he's sworn to find the killer. We don't want General Bowman to be the second victim of this tragedy. 
Ray: What exactly is it that you want from me? 
Officer: We believe, as does General Bowman, that Miss Bowman's killer lives in Chicago. We want you to find him before General Bowman does. 
[Apartment] 
Shelley: Whenever we had layovers in Chicago, she just disappeared. I tried asking her about it but she was real coy. I know she had a boyfriend but I never met him. 
Ray: She ever mention a name or describe him in any way? 
Shelly: No. No, but he's older, I know that. And he had a lot of money. That was important to Chantal. He's married, had a wife and three kids, one in college now or something. She kept telling me that he was going to tell his wife about he and Chantal real soon, but the timing had to be just right, you know. The usual crap. Chantal, she was becoming, like, umm. . . 
Fraser: Obsessed? Fixated? Single-minded? 
Shelly: Yeah. Well, she told me last week that if he didn't tell his wife about them, she was going to. . . I still can't believe she's gone. 
Ray [holding up stuffed animal]: How old was she? Twelve? 
Fraser [holding picture]: Was this her apartment in Chicago? 
Ray: How did you know. . .? 
Fraser: Well, it stands to reason, Ray. I mean, he was a married man. They couldn't be seen together. 
Shelley: Yeah. They did have a place. 
Ray: You got an address? 
Shelley: No. But I have the key. 
[Streets of Chicago - two guys get in a fight beside their taxi as they wait at a traffic light] 
Ray: Home again, home again, jiggity-jig. 
Fraser [to driver]: We'll be right back. 
Ray: Chicago PDQ! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Break it up, break it up. Fighting on the street with roller blades, what is that? Come on! 
[Squad room] 
Ray: Francesca, what's up with the yellow thingamajobby? 
Francesca: The human mind. . . Did you know that our minds are affected by color? And yellow happens to be a very soothing color. 
Ray: That is so interesting to me. 
Dewey [gives him wanted poster]: Ray, we found this in Sonny's room. Chad Maxwell. 
Ray: 1980? 
Dewey: Yeah. But doesn't he look familiar to you? 
Ray: I wouldn't know this guy if he jumped out of my suit. Who the hell is Chad Maxwell? 
Dewey: St. Louis. 
Ray: Sonny was from St. Louis. 
Welsh: I know that guy. 
Dewey: Yeah, that's what I just said. 
Francesca: Hey, I know that guy. 
Ray: Okay, so you know the guy, you know the guy, and you know the guy. Who the hell is this guy? 
Dewey: He's that guy, you know. . . that. . . yeah, you know. . . 
Ray: What guy? Francesca, can you phone the St. Louis police department, if you're not too busy being yellow and, uh 
[Thatcher's office] 
Thatcher: My friend Nancy in Trade is having a baby. It's a Mr. Feed Me. It preheats the formula and presents it to the baby. You can set it for 4, 5, 6 feedings a day. When the buzzer goes, it's time to feed the baby. 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Thatcher: What? 
Fraser: Well, sir, in my experience, although very limited, well, infants tend to tell their mothers when they'd like to be fed by crying. I can't imagine that the mother-child bond can be improved upon by technology. 
Thatcher: You're right. . . I'll get her one of those electronic security bracelets. That way she can keep track of it. . . So? 
Fraser: Our assignment from headquarters is to prevent General Bowman from taking the law into his own hands. On a more personal note, sir, it does feel quite good to be back in the saddle again. 
Thatcher: Yes. The bit between the teeth. Two thousand pounds of pulsing horseflesh between your legs. . . 
Fraser: I was speaking metaphorically, sir. 
Thatcher: As was I, Constable Fraser, as was I. . . Dismissed. 
Fraser: Sir. 
Dief: Groan 
Fraser: Would you please not make me look worse than I already do, thank you? Come on. 
[Chicago airport] 
Immigration officer: Welcome to the United States, General. Is your visit business or pleasure? 
General: Neither. 
[Squad room] 
Ray: Okay, Sonny goes to Toronto, kills Chantal. Then he comes back, gets mugged for 10 bucks in Chicago. That's a coincidence. They happen. 
Fraser: But do you really think that's what happened, Ray? 
Ray: Okay, George flies to Toronto, kills Chantal, then comes back and kills Sonny. 
Fraser: Well, why? And how would George even know Chantal? 
Ray: I don't know. I do not know. All I know is that his fingerprints were all over the knife and he had Sonny's blood all over him. 
Fraser: Yeah, but he explained that. 
[phone rings] 
Ray: Hang on. . . [answers] Squad room. Vecchio. . . yeah, hang on. [hands it to Fraser] 
Fraser: Hello, this is Constable Benton Fraser. . . Ah, Turnbull. . . Yes, I'll hold. 
[TV is turned on; local news] 
Anchor: And now for sports. Our very own Chad Percy, whose showing at the recent national celebrity golf tournament for literacy in Buffalo was just brutal. . . 
[Camera angle changes to sports desk; Fraser studies wanted poster] 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: They're the same. Chad Maxwell. Chad Percy. 
[TV station] 
Ray: Mr. Percy? 
Percy: Yeah? 
Ray: Detective Vecchio, Chicago PD. 
Percy: Hey, my golf game wasn't that bad. 
Ray: I just want to ask you a couple of questions. 
Percy: Sure. Ah, let's just go somewhere more private. . . Guys, you want to give me a couple of minutes here? Thanks. 
Ray: You know Sonny Dunlap? 
Percy: Son of a bitch. I can't believe he did it. Yeah. Yeah, I know Sonny. I've been paying him $200 a week for the last two years. He wanted to up it to 5 or he was going to go public. I said the best I can do was 250. He said he was going to think about it, that dumb bastard. 
Ray: When's the last time you saw him? 
Percy: A week ago. Maybe Monday or Tuesday. Look, Detective, that poster is 17 years old. I was hitting the sauce pretty heavy in those days. Yeah. I robbed a liquor store. I don't even remember doing it. I mean. . . Okay, where does this leave us now? I mean, there's a statute of limitations on robbery, isn't there? 
Ray: Yeah. There is, but not on murder. 
Percy: What? 
Ray: Sonny was murdered two nights ago. 
Percy: I am not a violent man. 
Ray: You pleaded guilty to common assault just three months ago. 
Percy: Yeah, well, that was after a traffic accident. Even the judge said I was severely provoked. 
Ray: Where were you Tuesday night? 
Percy: This Tuesday? 
Ray: Umm. 
Percy: That's when he was killed? 
Ray: Umm. 
Percy: Well, I was butchering a game of golf in Buffalo. 
Ray: Butchering. 
Percy: Listen, I got to go. But I hope you catch the guy, and if you need any help feel free to call me. 
Ray: Yeah. 
[Thatcher's office] 
Thatcher: You are an institution in Canada, sir. An icon. We understand your grief at this terrible time - 
General: Don't presume to understand that, Inspector. 
Thatcher: No, sir. But I must remind you that this matter is in the hands of the American authorities. We must leave it to them. 
General: And what are you suggesting? 
Thatcher: General, there is some concern that you may try to take the law into your own hands. 
General: I have led men into some of the worse hell holes on this planet, Inspector, in the name of honor and this country. And you representatives of this country have the nerve to summon me here and accuse me of being a common criminal? 
Dief: Growl 
Thatcher: No, sir. 
Fraser: General, Inspector Thatcher as always is acting in the best interests of the Canadian people and her Government, often under very difficult circumstances. I'm personally liasing with the Chicago Police Department in this case. If you would like to call me at this number tomorrow, I would be happy to go over every aspect of the investigation. [hands him a piece of paper] Thank you, sir. 
Thatcher: Fraser, I'm afraid that I may sometimes underestimate you. 
Fraser: Not without justification, I'm sure. 
Thatcher: Still, it's comforting to know that I can think of you as a partner as well as a subordinate. 
Fraser Sr.: Be careful, son. 
Fraser: Of what? 
Thatcher: Of me. 
Fraser Sr.: When a woman gets that stirring in her loins, watch out. 
Fraser: There's nothing stirring in anyone's loins. 
Thatcher: Did you just say loins? 
Fraser: Oh, no, sir. Loins? Sir? Loins? Sir-loins? Sirloins, possibly, because I have been - I have been thinking about a good piece of meat. . . Sir, would you excu. . .? 
[Fraser Sr.'s office; Fraser Sr. is painting and humming to himself] 
Fraser: What was that all about? 
Fraser Sr.: What was what all about? 
Fraser: You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Inthatcher Spector's loins. 
Fraser Sr.: You always know where you are with clouds. I was taught that by the Group of Six. 
Fraser: The Group of Seven. 
Fraser Sr.: Not in our group. 
Fraser: Dad, we are not in a locker room. 
Fraser Sr.: She wants you, son, and I imagine by God that she's going to get you, too. 
Fraser: Those don't even look like clouds. 
Fraser Sr.: Oh, son, son, son. You look but you don't see. Now look a little more closely at the details. See, these are not really clouds. I've got the whole family in there. All of us. There's Uncle Tiberius. Behind him, Aunt Winny. See that little space? That's for the grandkid. I'm saving that. 
Fraser: Group of six. . . 
[Fraser's office; Fraser picks up picture from Chantal's apartment] 
Fraser: You look but you don't see. 
[Locates apartment, enters, is attacked by man] 
Evers: Who the hell are you? 
Fraser: Did you know a Chantal Bowman? 
Evers: Why? 
Fraser: I'm sorry to have to inform you of this. There has been - 
Evers: She's dead. 
Fraser: I'm afraid so, yes. Excuse me, sir. . . [goes to phone] 
Evers: Look, I got a wife. I got kids. 
Fraser: Detective Vecchio, please. 
Evers: I can't get involved in this. 
[Leaving building] 
Fraser: I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father. . . 
[General Bowman drives up] 
General: Step away from him, Constable. 
Fraser: General, please - 
[Evers runs, Fraser catches him, Ray arrests Bowman] 
Ray: Up against the car. Assume the position. 
Bowman [to Evers]: I know you now. 
Police 
Man: Let's go, buddy. 
[Squad room] 
Bowman: What kind of a country is this? The man who killed my daughter goes free - 
Ray: Don't worry. Nobody's going free. Just have a seat there. 
Boman: I want to call the Consulate. 

Ray: No problem. You just take a seat there. I'll be right back, okay? 
[Observation room] 
Ray: So? 
Huey: He admits he was shacking up with the Bowman woman. But he's got an alibi for the night of the murder. 
Ray: Oh, yeah? Tight? 
Huey: It's pretty tight. 
Ray: How tight? 
Huey: On the night of the murder he was addressing 2,000 members of the Chicago Booksellers Association at the Plaza Hotel. 
Ray: That's tight. 
Huey: Tell you one thing. He's more afraid of his wife than he is of us. 
[Thatcher's office] 
Thatcher: They've arrested him? 
Fraser: He is being detained. 
Thatcher: We could have an international incident on our hands. . . [rushes out, closing door in Fraser's face] 
Fraser: Sir, sir, sir? 
[Get into taxi] 
Thatcher: It would be embarrassing to have to trade for General Bowman like the Americans did for Frances Gary Powers. 
Fraser: Or the Toronto Maple Leafs did for Dougie Gilmour. 
Driver: Careful of the far side. 
Thatcher: Oooh!! It's wet! 
Driver: I was carrying ice. 
Thatcher [moves closer to Fraser]: Excuse me, Fraser. I'm wet. 
Fraser: That's perfectly all right, sir. 
Thatcher: Fraser - 
Fraser: Yes, sir? 
Thatcher: Fraser - 
Fraser: Sir? 
Thatcher: Don't say sir every time I say Fraser, Fraser! Just let my thoughts reveal themselves. First of all, I want to apologize for my behavior in front of General Bowman. 
Fraser: Oh, no apology's necessary, sir. 
Thatcher: Please. I'm afraid that I appeared less than managerial. 
Fraser: Not at all. 
Thatcher: I just wanted to thank you for intervening. 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
Thatcher: Not that you needed to intervene. 
Fraser: No, no. Of course not. 
Thatcher: The thing is, I've been a little preoccupied lately. 
Fraser: Ah. I hadn't noticed. 
Thatcher: Well, I have. You know I went to my friend Nancy's baby shower just now. 
Fraser: Um-hm. 
Thatcher: Thank you, by the way, for your advice on the gift. You were absolutely right. 
Fraser: Oh. I'm glad. 
Thatcher: You're a surprisingly sensitive man for all your physical strength and courage. 
Fraser: Please, sir. 
Thatcher: I've been thinking lately about having a child. 
Fraser: Really? Well, ah, I think you would make a Cracker Jack mother. 
Thatcher: Thank you, Fraser. It's an enormous undertaking. And you know me. I mean, I wouldn't even know how to start. That's where you come in. . . Is your seat wet too? 
Fraser: No, sir. 
Thatcher: Anyway, I was thinking, with all your experience in the field, that you might be the kind of man who would know a thing or two about this sort of business. I was hoping to involve you in the process. 
Fraser: In the process. 
Thatcher: We'd have to be discrete, and naturally I'd want to get the whole thing over with as quickly as possible. 
Fraser: Naturally. 
Thatcher: So I can count on you then to be up for this? 
Fraser: Oh, ahhh, look, look where we are. Good old police station. 
[A baby is being admired by several officers just inside] 
Thatcher: Fraser, look, isn't that sweet? 
Fraser: Yes, ahh, I'm, uh, ver- 
Ray: Fraser. 
Fraser: Ray, where's the general? 
Ray: With the lieutenant. 
Thatcher: Detective? 
Ray: With the lieutenant. 
Thatcher: Fraser. 
Ray [notices her wet clothing as she walks away]: Wh- what? 
Fraser: Oh, uh, she was sitting on ice. 
Ray: That's cold. 
Fraser: Well, yes. But it melted. 
Ray: Look, uh, I got Evers in interview one. Did you know his wife was Audry Binghamton? She's got all the money. She's one of the Chicago Blue Blood families. No wonder he's so worried about her finding out about this little chippie. One false move, he's out on the street without a dime. 
Fraser: That's good work, Ray. 
Ray: Thank you. 
[Welsh's office] 
General: Whose side are you on anyway? I thought you were here to protect my interests. 
Welsh: General, Mr. Evers is an American citizen. As such we deem him to be innocent until proven guilty of any crime. 
General: He killed my daughter. 
Welsh: We have no evidence to that at this time. If and when we obtain such evidence, he'll be off the street faster than a dropped wallet. I give you my word. 
General: And in the meantime? 
Thatcher: You could be deported, you could be held here at the police station, or you can be released into the custody of the Canadian Consulate. 
General: I have committed no crime. 
Welsh: Well there could be a number of gun-related charges, General. And contrary to popular belief, we take that pretty seriously around here. We wouldn't want another War of 1812 on our hands, would we? 
General: I don't blame you. You lost that war. 
Welsh: The War of 1812? No we didn't. 
General: Does the name Queenston Heights ring a bell with you? We cleaned your clocks. 
Welsh: Inspector, would you get the General out of my office, please? To jail, the Consulate, anywhere. 
Thatcher: We can make you comfortable at the Consulate, sir. 
Welsh: Good. 
Thatcher: General, not a good idea to mention 1812, sir. The Americans hate it when they lose a war. 
[Squad room; Fraser on phone] 
Fraser: Yes, thank you kindly. . . [to Ray] That was the Balentine Hotel in Buffalo. They will be faxing over a copy of Chad Percy's hotel bill for the night of Sonny's murder. 
Ray: Okay, this is stupid. We got two murders, two suspects, two motives up the yin-yang, and we got two airtight alibis on the nights of the murders in question. 
Francesca: Hey, Ray. . .? 
Ray: Look, we're working here, Francesca, and my super-id is completely groovy. If I ever start to drool, you'll be the first one I call, okay? 
Francesca: Fraser? 
Fraser: Um-hm? 
Francesca: Would you agree that our air conditioning causes us to see things in certain ways? 
Fraser: Air conditioning? Perhaps you mean simply conditioning. No, the school of behavior. . . [a page in her book catches his eye]. . . Excuse me. . . 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: I just had an epiphany. Chad Maxwell did not kill Sonny Dunlap. 
Ray: What? We know that cause he wasn't even in Chicago at the time. What kind of epiphany is that? 
Fraser: It's an excellent epiphany. He was in Buffalo, which is less than a two-hour's drive from Toronto, where Miss Bowman was murdered. I think they traded victims. 
[Hallway] 
Welsh: Oh, mother of God. You want to spell this out for me? 
Ray: Evers did not kill Miss Bowman. He killed Sonny Dunlap. 
Fraser: Chad Percy killed Miss Bowman. 
Ray: They switched. 
Fraser: You see, both men had someone they wanted dead. Chad Percy because Sonny was blackmailing him and threatening to expose him - 
Ray: And Miss Bowman was threatening to tell Evers' wife about their affair, thereby throwing him off the old gravy train - 
Fraser: And they both knew they would be prime suspects in any investigation of the murders, so they arranged to provide one another with ironclad alibis. 
Welsh: So Chad Percy was in Canada when Sonny was killed here in Chicago. 
Fraser: That's right, and Nick Evers was in Chicago when Miss Bowman was killed in Toronto. 
Welsh: Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Is there any proof of this? 
Ray: Uh, we knew you would ask that. 
Fraser: It's a working hypothesis. 
Welsh: Is there a shred of evidence that they even knew each other? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid not. 
Welsh: Umm. Well, I suggest you find that shred. If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to get my super-ego in touch with my id. 
[Squad room; Huey hands keys to Fraser] 
Huey: It's parked out back. The black one. 
Ray: Fraser, we're not having any luck with the phone tap, so we're going to give them a jolt. We dug up the connection. Part of Percy's sentencing on the assault charge was going to these anger management seminars. We showed Evers' picture around and came up with a positive ID. 
Welsh: All right, are we ready to make the call? 
Francesca: Yeah. 
Evers: Hello? 
Francesca: Hello? Mr. Evers? 
Evers: Speaking. 
Francesca: Hi. This is the Chicago Police Department calling. Lieutenant Welsh would like to know if you could come in and speak to a couple of our officers regarding the Sonny Dunlap case? 
Evers: Dunlap? I don't know, I. . . There must be some mistake. You must mean the Chantal Bowman case. 
Francesca: Oh, yeah, sorry. I must have mixed them up. You know how it is, drowning in paperwork and everything. I was just wondering, when could you come in? 
Evers: Look, I've got another call. I'm alone in the office. I'll call you back. 
[Evers places another call] 
Percy: Yeah? 
Evers: They know. 
[Evers in car; makes a call] 
Percy: Yeah? 
Evers: Don't hang up. This is a new phone. 
Percy: You stupid bastard. 
Evers [checks rear-view mirror]: He's following me. 
Percy: Who? The cops? 
Evers: No. Her father. He's going to kill me, I know it. 
Percy: Okay. . . You know the Douglas overpass just before the river? Lead him there. Take your time. I'll need 20 minutes. 
[General Bowman loads rifle, listening to police-band radio] 
Ray's voice: He's heading west on Roosevelt. I'm right behind him, heading for the river. 
[Confrontation under overpass; Ray appears just in time] 
Ray: Drop it! 
Fraser: Nice work, Ray. What took you so long? 
Ray: I got a little lost in the long grass there. 
Percy: What's going on here? 
Ray: I thought you and your pal could tell us. 
Percy: Pal? I've never seen this guy before in my life. 
Ray: Oh, so? What, you just go around trying to shoot perfect strangers? 
Fraser: You knew one another, didn't you, Mr. Evers? 
Evers: You're damn right we know each other! And it was his idea! 
Fraser: Down! 
General: I have no quarrel with either of you. You can stand aside and I'll take them from here. 
Fraser: General - 
Bowman: Stand aside or I will kill all four of you. 
Evers: I- I didn't kill your daughter. 
Bowman: Yes you did. You both did. And you can both answer for it. 
Fraser: General, you've spent your entire life fighting to bring peace to people in the world. Do you want that struggle to end here? 
Bowman: They don't deserve to live. 
Fraser: That's not our decision to make. 
Bowman: I am a soldier. 
Fraser: And a Canadian. And as such I know you believe in the rule of law, not in vigilante action. We have to leave this to justice, sir. 
Bowman [to Percy]: Say it. . . say it! 
Percy: I did it. 
Bowman: Did what? 
Percy: I killed your daughter. 
[Fraser Sr.'s office] 
Fraser Sr.: This was your baby bag. It was good for 40 below. Of course, a little 60 below never hurt anybody unless they were wearing Bermudas. Well, he can't be reared in this jungle. You'll have to move north. 
Fraser: You're a little ahead of yourself, don't you think? 
Fraser Sr.: You can run but you can't hide, son. 
Fraser: What are you talking about? 
Fraser Sr.: Grandchildren. 
Fraser: Grandchildren. . . Dad, you cannot have grandchildren. You are dead. 
Fraser Sr.: So you keep telling me, with overmuch glee, I might add. 
Fraser: Oh, for God's sake. . . 
Fraser Sr.: Oh, come on, son. Is it going to kill you to giver her a leg over? 
Fraser: A leg over?. . . Dad, I really don't have time for this. 
Fraser Sr.: That's what I said. Look what it got me. 
Fraser: Well, that's a different story. There you are. . . Leg over. Foot down. Thigh up. 
[End music comes up, then:] 
Fraser Sr.: It's not over yet, son. 
[Outside Thatcher's office; Dief growls; Fraser holds flowers, knocks] 
Thatcher: Come in. . . Yes, Constable. . . What is it, Fraser? 
Fraser: Well, sir, I have given considerable thought to your proposal, and I, uh, I mean, I have nothing against, uh, well, I have nothing against you know. It's just that I am not by nature impulsive. Although I have been known, you know, to really let my, to let my hair. . . Although that's not, strictly speaking, true. I've never even let my hair grow - 
Thatcher: Is there a point to this Constable? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. The point is that I just think that things like this should be done incrementally. Perhaps we could start with conversation, and, uh - although, well, you and I have talked so I suppose we could bypass that. We'll just move to the next increment. Dancing, possibly. Oh, not now. Not now, of course, because there is no music, although, you know, my parents used to dance without music all the time. I recall a time in my childhood when - 
Thatcher: Fraser? 
Fraser: Sir? 
Thatcher: You didn't think that I. . .? 
Fraser: I don't think that you. . .? 
Thatcher: Well, when I asked that you be part of the process, you didn't think that I was suggesting. . .? 
Fraser: That you were suggesting. . .? 
Thatcher: Well, that you. . .? 
Fraser: That I. . .? 
Thatcher: Because that would be. . . 
Fraser: No, no, no, I mean, that would be. . . 
Thatcher: I meant adoption, Fraser. 
Fraser: Sir, may I. . .? 
Thatcher: May you what? 
Fraser: Be dismissed? 
Thatcher: If you wish. 
Fraser: Oh, uh, I found these. 

End of Perfect Strangers
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dead Guy Running

[Squad Room] 
Welsh: 'Scuse me. Carry on. (Bangs into Dewey's desk) Ow. 
Dewey: Sorry sir. 
Welsh: Is Vecchio back yet? 
Dewey: He wouldn't go. 
Welsh: I told you to take him to the hospital. 
Dewey: He wouldn't go! 
Welsh: What's that? 
Dewey: What's what? 
Welsh: Your eye. 
Dewey: I took a perp. What happened to your thumb? 
Welsh: Never mind. 
Frannie: Sir, they got him. Kuzma. They got him. 
Welsh: Yeah! 
(Ray enters, with bandage round ear.) 
Welsh: They got Kuzma. Huey's bringing him in now. 
Ray: Five minutes alone with him is all I want. 
Welsh: How's your ear? 
Ray: I'll live. Just five minutes. 
Welsh: You're off the case. 
Ray: I'm off the case? Why, what, why, what, why? 
Welsh: Dewey's collar now. 
Ray: Look, Kuzma was my collar. I had him. 
Welsh: Yeah, you had him and you lost him. 
Ray: But he practically bit my ear off! 
Welsh: Exactly, now go home. 
Ray: There's nothing wrong with me. 
Welsh: Oh yeah? You're fine, yeah? Then make yourself useful. When the feds find out we got Kuzma, they're gonna turn this into a circus, alright? Let's see how fast you can clear this room out. 
Ray: How about a general amnesty? No? Okay. Stanley Smith, you are our next contestant on "Prison Life". Come on down. You Stanley Smith? You Stan-okay, you stay cuffed to the chair all day. 
Stanley: Yeah, yeah, alright, it's me. Cool. Cuffs are starting to hurt. Yo, what happened to your ear man? 
Ray: I asked too many stupid questions like that. 
Stanley: Ah right. (He makes a dash for the door) 
Fraser: (Grabbing Stanley) Whoa, settle down son. 
Stanley: Yo man, what are you? 
Fraser: I'm a Canadian. 
Ray: Thanks Fraser. 
Fraser: No problem Ray. What happened to your ear? 
Ray: It's a long story. Michael Johnson here goes into number one. 
Fraser: Oh, just a second. (Removes cigarette from a man's mouth) Sorry sir, this is a non-smoking environment. (Man protest this unintelligibly) You know Ray, that thing with your ear kind of reminds me of a wrestling match I once saw in Great Slave Lake where Yukon John actually bit off Haystack Calhoun's ear, although my friend Innusiq, who knew such things, said it was entirely fake, ad that the next night Haystack Calhoun would bite off Yukon John's ear. 
Ray: What is the point of that story? 
Fraser: It's just an ear anecdote. 
Ray: Look, they are taking my collar. Adolf Kuzma is my collar. 
Stanley: Yo yo man, what's up? You guys for real? 
Ray: Hey, we ask the tough questions around here. Keep your feet off the table and shut up homes(?). All right-possession of burglary tools, attempted theft auto, apprehended inside '95 Mercedes 280 SL. 
Stanley: I was just looking for a place to sleep, that's all. 
Ray: So you broke into a $100,000 car. 
Stanley: Yeah, I did. Get me my lawyer. 
Ray: Oh, you got no place to sleep, but you got a lawyer on retainer. That's a good one. 
[Ray sees Kuzma being brought in through window] 
Ray: Kuzma, you little freak show, come on, come on. 
(Ray goes to attack Kuzma, and is restrained by Welsh. He goes back to Interview 1 and punches through the wall.) 
Fraser: All right? 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
(Fraser pulls away part of wall and sees a body hidden there) 
Ray: What's going on? 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
[Credits] 
(Fraser and Ray are carrying the body out of the wall) 
Fraser: Careful Ray, careful. 
Ray: Like I'm gonna hurt him? 
Fraser: No you're standing on my foot. Let's set him down. 
(Dief barks at Stanley, who is heading for the door.) 
Fraser: Whoa. I'd sit down son-sit down slowly. Sudden movements set him off. 
Stanley: Okay. 
(Fraser removes dead guy from bag he is in) 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Ray: You know the guy? 
Fraser: No, I don't believe so. 
Ray: What's with the 'hmm'? 
Fraser: It's just an interesting smell. 
Stanley: You guys look a little busy, y'know what I'm sayin', why don't I just split? 
Ray: Look, shut up and sit down, or you go in the wall. 
Stanley: Yeah right, okay. 
Ray: Alright, I'm gonna go get Welsh. 
Fraser: Why? 
Ray: Well obviously, we got a dead body here. 
Fraser: Oh, right you are. 
(Frannie enters, and drops her files) 
Frannie: Oh my god, oh my god, he killed him, oh my god. 
(She runs out of room) 
Fraser: Give me five minutes. 
Ray: Five. 
Stanley: Hey listen, alright, I know my rights, I ain't got to stay in no room with no dead guy. 
Ray: No you don't, we can take you down to the cage, and you can stay in with the skinheads, the crackheads, and the bikers who're dustin'. You prefer that? 
Stanley: I'm cool. 
[Frannie and Fraser in corridor] 
Frannie: His name is Guy Rankin. He's from the neighbourhood. We heard that he was into a lot of bad stuff, but you hear a lot of things. He was okay he was-he was kind of funny, actually, he used to do these impressions of, you know, Mr Frank Sinatra and stuff. Anyway, one night he asked me out for a drink. I thought we were going out for a drink, but he thought we were going out for *a drink*. We got outside the house, and I could handle him at first, 'cause, you know, he couldn't keep his hands off me, but then he really started to hurt me, and that's when Ray came outside. He just went crazy. He was like, um, Sonny in the Godfather, remember, when Sonny found out that his sister Connie was being beaten up by Carlo? Ray was just like that. I had to pull him off so that Guy could get out. Anyway, after that he was just waiting for Guy to make a mistake, and when he found out that he was shaking down some of the local merchants he hauled him in. 
Fraser: And you think Ray killed him? 
(Frannie nods) 
Fraser: What makes you think that? 
Frannie: Because he said he was going to. 
[Back in the interview room] 
Stanley: Man, man, what is that smell? 
Ray: Dead guy. They smell. 
Stanley: Nah nah nah, not that smell. 
(Fraser enters) 
Fraser: It's shellac. It's made out of bugs. It's very effective as a wood treatment for protecting wood pilings from the effects of permafrost. 
Ray: Fraser, what the hell is going on? 
Stanley: Yeah Fraser. 
Fraser: Ray, may I have a word with you in private? 
Ray:(to Stanley)You sit there. 
Stanley: No no no, I ain't gonna sit in no room with no dead guy.(?) This is America and I know my rights. 
Ray: Oh, they always know their rights. What about the rights of the guy with the Mercedes? 
Stanley: He don't need no rights. He got a Mercedes. 
Ray: Sit there. 
[Corridor] 
Ray: Look, I didn't kill the guy, the real Ray Vecchio killed the guy. 
Fraser: No, I didn't say he killed him, I said he was a suspect. 
Ray: Well, pass it over to internal affairs, and let them sort it out. 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid I can't do that Ray, because if internal affairs investigates- 
(Ray is distracted by woman walking past) 
Fraser. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. If internal affairs investigates, they will undoubtedly discover that you are not the real Ray Vecchio 
Ray: Maybe. Personally I don't give them that much credit. 
Fraser: Well, perhaps, but lets just say it becomes public that you're not the real Ray Vecchio. That will probably put the real Ray Vecchio's life at risk. 
Ray: Well, what am I supposed to say? Better him than me? 
Fraser: No, of course not. 
Ray: What are we supposed to do? 
Fraser: I am suggesting that we don't report the body. 
Ray: Oh Fraser, you are talking about suppressing the evidence. 
Fraser: No, delaying- 
Ray: -suppressing- 
Fraser: -delaying, delaying reporting the body to give us enough time to find the real killer. 
Ray: You're not playing with a full mukluk Fraser. How long do you think we can keep a dead body hidden in a police station? 
Fraser: Well if you could hang onto that room at least until the end of your shift- 
(Welsh appears) 
Welsh: Oh, a little coffee break. 
Ray: No sir. 
Fraser: No, we're just...strategising. 
Welsh: I need that room. 
Ray: The kid's just starting to open up. 
Welsh: Oh good, good, I'll wait until the movie come out. Get rid of him. 
(Fraser follows Welsh to his office) 
Fraser: Sir, I wonder if I could perhaps have a word with you? 
Welsh: I am very busy, Constable. 
Fraser: I understand that sir, but it is extremely important. 
Welsh: *sighs* What is it? 
Fraser: Well sir, I have a hypothetical question. 
Welsh: Oh great, hypothetical and important. 
Fraser: Well, some questions can be both. 
(They enter the office) 
If the need were to arise sir, to speak to Ray Vecchio, the real Ray Vecchio, in person, would that be possible? 
Welsh: If Ray Vecchio's mother were on her deathbed, and her last dying wish was to see her son's face again, hear his voice one last time, I would send the new Ray Vecchio. Does that answer your question? 
Fraser: Yes sir. What happened to your thumb? 
Welsh: Never mind. 
(Fraser goes into squad room and Frannie gives him a picture of Rankin) 
Frannie: Okay, I printed this off, but I looked for the file, I can't find it anywhere, by name, by date, nothing. 
Fraser: Are you sure he was booked? 
Frannie: Yeah, I'm positive. Oh, but I did find this. You were right. 
Fraser: Thank you. Will you keep looking for the other files? 
Frannie: Yeah, of course. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Francesca. 
Frannie: Uh, Fraser? About what I told you before, you won't tell anybody? 
Fraser: No, no, of course not. 
Frannie: Okay. It's just that those things are really kind of personal to me and I hope that you won't think any less of me. 
Fraser: No 
Frannie: I just felt I could really talk to you, y'know. I don't know, I guess I thought talking to a Mountie from Canada is like talking to a priest. 
Fraser: Well no, not exactly. 
Frannie: I mean, not that I think of you as a priest 'cause I don't. I think of you-I think of you as a man. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Frannie: Not that priests aren't men, it's just that priests can't do certain things. 
Fraser: Well, not necessarily, you know there was a Father McAuley of Ford Asinaboye, and he once tracked a cougar for five weeks and 300 miles- 
Frannie: No Fraser, no, those aren't exactly the things I'm referring to. 
Fraser: Oh. Oh, I see. Right. Um. *clears throat* 'Scuse me. 
Frannie: Fraser, is my brother gonna be okay? 
Fraser: Oh yes, sure, sure. 
[Interview 1] 
Stanley: Can't be doin' this man. Can't just ?home? me, know what I'm sayin'. That's what they do to people in them places like Sweden, and Canada, and all of them other torture places. 
Ray: Hey look, I play by my own rules, kind of a wild card, kinda kooky. Now you wanna help me? 
Stanley: Alright. Ain't gotta shout. Woo! How long you think he been like that? 
(Fraser enters) 
Fraser: 92 days. 
Ray: How would you know that? 
Fraser: There was electrical work done in here 92 days ago, that's when the wall went up. 
Ray: So somebody killed him, shellacked him so he wouldn't rot, and then stuck him in a wall? 
Fraser: Surprisingly effective. Looks almost as good as new. 
Ray: You got a file on him? 
Fraser: No, that's what's intriguing. There are no files. 
Ray: So, Vecchio had them destroyed. 
Fraser: Ray Vecchio didn't do this. 
Ray: How can you be so sure? 
Fraser: Because the plastic was sucked into the man's mouth and his throat. That means he was alive when they put him in the wall. 
Stanley: Whoa man. 
Fraser: Ray Vecchio's not capable of an act so monstrous, so hideous. So repulsive to the human condition. Can I borrow your car? 
Ray: Why? 
Fraser: Well, in the absence of any other leads, and time being the factor that it is, I think it expedient that I have a talk with a Mr DeNardo. 
Ray: Who? 
Fraser: He owns the company that did the dry walling. 
Ray: Take a shortcut. I don't know how long I can keep the room. 
Fraser: Understood. Oh, it's? 
Ray: (miming actions with hands) Brake, gas. Brake, gas. Careful. 
(Fraser leaves. There is a thump on the wall from next door.) 
Ray: Oh, that's just one of my fellow officers interviewing a suspect. 
[Interview 2] 
Dewey: How long do you cook a 14lb turkey? 
(Welsh enters) 
Welsh: What's going on? 
Dewey: Ask him a question. Any question. 
Welsh: Is your name Kuzma? General Adolf Kuzma of the American Patriots Army? 
(Kuzma slams head on table) 
Welsh: Ah, nice try scumbag, but I'm not gonna make you look better for the Feds. You and your psycho army, you think you can go around blowing up banks and shooting cops, yeah? Think our laws don't apply to you? Well you better thank God for those laws; it's the only thing keeping you alive. Nice face. Tell me something. Five weeks ago the Feds had you surrounded at Diamondback Ridge, but you escaped. It was a miracle. What, you make a deal with the Feds? You think they're gonna waltz in here and save you? I got news for you. You killed a Chicago cop. You're not gonna leave here, ever, until they put a needle in your arm. 
Dewey: He might enjoy that sir. 
Welsh: There. Go clean him up. Just keep asking him questions. Huey! 
[Welsh and Huey in corridor] 
Welsh: Did he say anything in there? Did he ask for a lawyer? 
Huey: No. I think he's going for insanity. 
(Frannie appears in corridor) 
Frannie: Sir, FBI's on the phone. 
Welsh: All right. See if you can locate the whereabouts of Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski. 
(Frannie leaves) 
Welsh: Alright, the games begin. See if you can get him talking about something doesn't matter. If we can get him started, it'll give us reason to keep the Feds out. 
Huey: I don't think he's gonna say anything. 
Welsh: Get him talking. 
Huey: Okay. 
(Welsh knocks on door of Interview 1. Ray appears) 
Welsh: Look, I imagine the Feds, within the hour, will be here to see our friend Kuzma. I want to be privy to that conversation from in there. I need this room. 
Ray: Yes sir. 
[Front Desk] 
Desk Sergeant: (on phone) You didn't know? Margaret Moynahan told me. Well she heard it from Jerry Kovacks. Yeah. 
(Fraser shows officer picture of Rankin) 
Desk Sergeant: So what did he do anyway? 
Fraser: Well we're not sure exactly. But if you could just cast your mind back 92 days ago. 
Desk Sergeant: 92 days ago? That would be Tuesday night, wouldn't it? 
Fraser: Yes 
Desk Sergeant: See, I know that because Darlene Carmichael in accounting, she had her baby three months premature, and I was just saying to Laurie in personnel how the spicy pizza we had at the shower (which was on the Tuesday night) probably induced the contractions, you know, causing the premature labour. 
Fraser: Yes, I'm quite sure you're right. About the man in the picture-? 
Desk Sergeant: Oh, yeah. Let me think about it. 
Fraser: Right. Thank you kindly. 
Desk Sergeant: No problem. Listen, if I come up with anything, I'll give you a call. (Into phone) District 27? 
[Fraser goes out to Ray's car] 
Fraser: (To Dief) Back. Back. In the- Oh. 
(Fraser Sr. coughs, and Fraser turns round.) 
Fraser Sr.: You're getting roped in, son. 
Fraser: Look, I know what you're thinking, ordinarily I would agree, but these are very special circumstances. 
Fraser Sr.: Oh, they always are, but concealing evidence in a murder investigation? I thought I taught you how to uphold the law. 
Fraser: And I will. 
Fraser Sr.: When? 
Fraser: Later today. 
Fraser Sr.: You've got to live by the principles you protect. Otherwise everything caves in, like an igloo during spring thaw. 
Fraser: Look, I know what I'm doing Dad. You just have to trust me. 
Fraser Sr.: Oh no, that's where you're wrong. I don't have to trust anyone anymore. I'm dead. But you've got to trust yourself. One step in the wrong direction and it snowballs. Next thing you'll be lying to cover your tracks. And when cops are involved, gets even uglier. I was gunned down by one of my own on my own turf,well, ice cap. Remember? 
Fraser: I remember. 
Fraser Sr.: I trusted Gerrard for the better part of thirty years. It wasn't easy to accept what he had become. 
Fraser: Ray didn't kill anybody. 
Fraser Sr.: If that's true, then stay within the law. 
Fraser: I don't have any choice. 
Fraser Sr.: That's where you're wrong. 
Fraser: You want to know something Dad- 
(Turns around to find Fraser Sr. has disappeared.) 
Great. (To Dief) Look, I'm sorry I shouted at you, I didn't realise he was back there. All right, here we go. 
(Reverses and almost crashes) 
Brake gas, no, gas brake, gas brake. 
[DeNardo's worksite] 
DeNardo: (On phone) Yeah Frank, don't worry about it, I mean if he gets sick, he gets sick. Nothing you can do about it. Yeah, take a coupla days off. Alright. See ya then. 
(To secretary)Marilyn, wanna do me a favour? Mangioni's kid's sick. You wanna send over a teddy bear or something? 
Marilyn: Frank's kid is 14. 
DeNardo: Well send her something. 
Marilyn: Okay. 
DeNardo: (To Fraser) Who are you?
Fraser: Good day, my name is Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father... 
(Hooting of truck horn) 
DeNardo: Maurice! No! You wanna go in Row B! 
Fraser: It's not really important sir. What is important is that 3 months ago you did some renovations, dry walling to be exact, at Chicago PD District 27. I wonder if it would be possible for me to speak to the men who did that job. 
DeNardo: You must be joking. I can't remember 3 months ago, I got 18 crews out there today. 
Fraser: It's very important sir. 
DeNardo: Okay. You give me the name of your tailor, and I'll give you the number. 
(Into phone)Listen, pull up a file, Chicago PD, about 3 months ago. 
(To Fraser) Is there a prblem or something? I mean I got no calls, nobody's complained or anything. 
Fraser: No, it's strictly routine sir. Bo you, by any chamce, recognize this man? (He shows him a picture of Rankin.) 
DeNardo: Is he one of the guys? To tell you the truth, I don't recognize anybody that works for me, my friend. Here we go. It's nice, huh? (Referring to secretary who gave them the file.) Here we are, Tom Harvey was the foreman, the crew he never listed, Tom, well lots of times we pick up guys at the local hospitals, give them a day's work, hod carriers and such, outs a little money in their pockets, know what I mean? 
Fraser: Well, do youknow where I can contact this Mr Harvey? 
DeNardo: Had to let him go. Last time I heard, he was one of those ?? going into the ?? and he's probably long gone by now. Anyway, Marilyn can give you the address if you want, I gotta get back, and get that dog out of here. (To workmen) Lou! You don't understand English?!? 
[Interview 1] 
(Frannie opens the door) 
Frannie: Hi. (Gives Ray a file.) I'm not gonna come in if that's okay. Where is he? 
Ray: Behind the door. 
Frannie: Okay. I found the Rankin file misplaced way back. 
Ray: Assistant State's Attorney Stella Kowalski? It was Stella's case? 
Frannie: Is Fraser back? 
Ray: No. 
Frannie: Ray didn't do this. 
(Ray shuts door.) 
Stanley: Hoo yeah. Hey, let me ask you something. She said, 'Ray didn't do this'? 
Ray: Right. 
Stanley: But I thought you were Ray. 
Ray: Like there's only one Stanley Smith in the world? 
Stanley: Yeah, that's true. She's a babe though, huh, ?foul? lady.# 
Ray: Hey! That's my sister. 
Stanley:Oh!.I'm sorry, I didn't know. 
Ray: (Reading Rankin's file)Extortion. Carrying a concealed weapon. Resisting arrest. And he walks? 
Stanley: Yeah well, like me, you probably had no evidence. 
Ray: Eyewitness testimony. Marked bills. Wire tap. This is as good as it gets. How the hell do you walk on charges like that? 
Stanley: You asking me? 
Ray: D'you wanna help me, or do you wanna stare at the dead guy all day? 
Stanley: Yeah, that's true. Alright. Check this out. Maybe he got off on one of those technicalities. 
Ray: Yeah yeah yeah like... 
Stanley: Uh. 
Ray: I mean, he was here on the day that the wall went up and he got a walk. 
Stanley: Well yo, he didn't walk too far, you know what I'm sayin'! 
(Knock on door-Ray opens it and sees Stella) 
Stella: Ray. I was looking for Lieutenant Welsh. What happened to your ear? 
Ray: Nothing. You're here for Kuzma? 
Stella: Yes. 
Ray: That was my collar. 
Stella: I heard it was Huey's. Oh my God, what is that smell? 
Stanley: Hey, how you doin'. We haven't been introduced, my name is Stanley Smith, I been working on a case with Ray here. 
Ray: Detective Smith? 
Stanley: Yeah? 
Ray: Sit down. 
Stanley: Okay. I go over here. 
Stella: See you later Ray. 
(Ray follows Stella into corridor) 
Ray: Stella? 
Stella: I'm working Ray. 
Ray: This is about work. Remember a few months ago you handled a case, a guy named Guy Rankin. Vecchio and Huey were the arresting officers. Extortion, concealed weapon, and the guy walked. You remember anything about that? This is nice. 
Stella: Yeah I do. They failed to read him his rights. 
Ray: Vecchio and Huey screwed up on the miranda? You believe that? 
Stella: All I know is Rankin said they didn't read him his rights and they agreed. Maybe the fact that Ray Vecchio used his face as a punching bag had something to do with it. I don't know. I gotta go. 
[Interview 1] 
Stanley: (Wearing Fraser's stetson) Yo, man. What's up, scout? 
Ray: What do you think you're doing? The hat's sacred, okay? (Grabs the hat) 
Stanley: Yo man, just joking around. Hey yo, you know that girl man, she's a babe, what's up? 
Ray: She's my wife. 
Stanley: Ah man, you realy know how to pick 'em. 
Ray: My EX-wife. 
Stanley: Whoo, I can see you're the man to get to know around here. 
(There is a thud and a scream. Ray runs out to interview 2. Stella is standing at the door while Dewey and Welsh shout at Kuzma. Huey runs out holding his jaw.) 
Ray: Huey, I gotta ask you something 
Huey: Let it go, Vecchio. 
Ray: Back in there. (Pushes Stanley back into room) 
[In bathroom] 
Ray: Hey, how can you not remember 3 months ago? You, Vecchio, Guy Rankin. He was released. You forgot to read him his rights. Look, I found the file Jack. 
Huey: What the hell is the matter with you? You trying to get a job in Internal Affairs or something? 
Ray: I'm gonna let that pass. Once. 
Huey: Look, Ray Vecchio had some personal thing with Rankin. I did'nt know. I didn't ask. All I know is that Rankin walked out of here in one piece, now no one's seen him since. Guys like him go missin'. 
[Squad Room. Fraser enters] 
Frannie: Fraser, the FBI's here and Welsh wants the room. We have to move him. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Interview 1] 
(Ray is putting up a poster over the hole) 
Ray: (About poster) She's no Rita Hayworth, but she gets the job done. 
Fraser: (Whilst preparing Rankin to be moved) You know Ray, I had anothr friend, well, aquaintance really, anyway, one day he was fishing and he ripped off his ear with a hula popper. (To Stanley) Coat please. Anyway, he was able to sew it back on with some 8lb teslon filament, unfortunately he sewed it on backwards, and from that day forwards he claimed he was dyslexic. 
Ray: What is the point of that story Fraser, I don't get it. 
Fraser: There is nothing to get Ray, it's just another ear anecdote. 
Ray: (Fake laughter) Hehehe. Cool. Glasses. Where the hell are we putting him? 
Fraser: Well, if you want to hide an apple, you don't put it in a bag full of golf balls. 
Ray: Glasses, glasses. Cooler downstairs. 
Fraser: Right. 
Stanley: No no, that wasn't part of the deal. 
Ray: Well, I'm changing the deal. 
Stanley: Oh yeah, well I'm changing the deal. Yo, yo, we got a dead guy in here! 
(Runs for door. Fraser and Ray grab him) 
Ray: Shut up. 
Stanley: What you gonna do, hit me? 
Fraser: He's got a point Ray. 
Ray: All right, I'll make you a deal. You help us with him, you walk, no charges. 
Stanley: Not good enough. 
(Yells and is grabbed again) 
Ray: What do you want? 
(Mumbles something, and Fraser and Ray remove their hands.) 
Stanley: I want you all to deputise me. 
(Door opens and Frannie brings in wheelchair) 
Frannie: Come on, let's go. 
Fraser: Alright, 1, 2, 3. (Fraser and Ray lift Rankin into wheelchair) The legs. 
(Frannie bends legs to chair) 
Ray: Ugh. 
Frannie: I can debone a whole chicken in under 3 minutes. Okay, let's go. 
(She pushes chair down corridor.) 
When I'm dead, no-one's rolling me around in funny outfits. 
Fraser: Mr Smith, would you get the elevator. It's Welsh. 
Frannie: Oh God. 
Fraser: Francesca! (Pushes the chair towards her.) 
Welsh: Vecchio! Where's your prisoner? 
Ray: Uh, in the can sir. 
Welsh: We'll set up right in here. 
(Welsh goes into Interview 1) 
Ray: Look, this is stupid Fraser. It's not gonna work. How the hell can you think this is gonna work? 
Fraser: Just stay the course. Ray Vecchio's life may well depend on what we do here today. God speed. (He runs off.) 
Ray: God speed. Smith! 
[Interview 1] 
(Welsh enters) 
Welsh: What is this? Did a bomb go off in here? 
(Goes to door) 
[Corridor] 
(Frannie is pushing Rankin down corridor) 
Frannie: Move it or lose it! 
Welsh: Francesca! 
(Puts chair in alcove and runs to Welsh. Fraser appears) 
Fraser: Where is he? 
Frannie: Round the corner. 
(He walks down corridor) 
Shout from off-camera: Call for you Sergeant? Something about giblets? 
Desk Sergeant: Oh, there'll be no parking spot for Nicky at NASA. 
Man in wedding dress: Ooh, red. 
(Fraser finds Rankin in break room sat at a table with a strange man.) 
Man: I've never even been in the freakin' woods! 
Fraser: 'Scuse me. (Grabs chair.) 
Man: Hey! We were just talking! He was trying to get me to go on ???. 
Fraser: Good idea. 
Man: Hey! I'll see ya pal, I'll call! So long, buddy! 
(Ray and Stanley approach Fraser) 
Ray: We gotta wait for 10 minutes. Feds are in the room. 
Stanley: Man, you should see the size of their gun! 
Fraser: Hang on for 15 minutes, then call. 
(Fraser takes Rankin into the toilet stall. Welsh walks in and sees Fraser standing on toilet.) 
Welsh: I'll be right with you. Fraser? 
Fraser: Yes sir? 
Welsh: I guess they do these things a little differently where you're from. 
Fraser: In what sense sir? (Flushes toilet) 
Welsh: Never mind. 
Fraser: Sir, I wonder if I could ask you a question? 
Welsh: Yeah, be quick. 
Fraser: It involves - well, it's a case involving Ray Vecchio sir. 
Welsh: What is it with you and Ray Vecchio today? 
Fraser: Well nothing sir, as a matter of fact this does actually involve the former Ray Vecchio and a man named Guy Rankin. 
Welsh: Leave that one alone Fraser. 
Fraser: Why is that sir? 
Welsh: It almost cost Vecchio his badge. He almost did time. The only reason he's still a cop is that this Guy Rankin disappeared and it's best he stays disappeared. Oh God, what, did something die in here? Better lay off those mooseburgers. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
[Front desk. Fraser is giving Rankin a piggyback.] 
Desk Sergeant: No no, you're thinking of a capon. Constable Fraser! 
Fraser: Yes sergeant? 
Desk Sergeant: Listen, I've been thinking about what you asked me earlier, did I see Rankin leaving the station that night? (In phone) No no, that would be the bantam rooster! Well I did. I've been thinking about it and I did, I definitely saw him leaving. 
Fraser: You're sure it was him? 
Desk Sergeant: Oh yes, that's right, that would be the guinea hen! He was one of those kinda guys, you know, kinda different looking, odd-like? I don't forget a face like that. 
Fraser: Right, well, thankyou. You've been very helpful. 
Desk sergeant: Any time. What's wrong with him?
Fraser: Oh nothing, he's sleepy. 
Frannie: Really sleepy. 
[Interview 2] 
Ford: Come on, come on Adolf, talk to me. 
Dieter: Maybe we should just hand him back over to the Chicago PD. YOu killed one of theirs sonny boy, they're dying to get their hands on you. 
Ford: You want us to help you, you got to give us something. 
Dieter: Alright, now look. We let you walk last month on condition you give up your partners, not so you could go shoot a cop. Now we can help you with that, but you've gotta guaranteethat no one finds out about our deal and you have got to tell us about your partners. 
[Interview 1-Welsh is watching agents through hidden camerea] 
Welsh: Go get Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski fast! 
[Corridor] 
Ray: So you can go. That was the deal, that was the deal so you can go, so go. 
Stanley: Okay, but I gotta make that call. 
Ray: No, I make the call. 
Stanley: But you said I could make the call. 
Ray:No no no. 
Stanley: Yes you did. 
Ray: No, you said you were gonna make the call, I just didn't say no. 
Stanley: So what, that's the same thing as saying yes. 
Ray: No it isn't that's the same thing as ignoring you. (Pause) Okay, make the call. 
Stanley: Yeah, alright! What's that number again? 
(Fraser and Frannie carry Rankin to the morgue) 
Mort: (To corpse) Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. 
(Fraser and Frannie enter and out Rankin on gurney. They hide behind it as Mort returns.) 
Fraser Sr.: Now you're in a pickle. 
Fraser: Oh, this is just what I need. 
Frannie: Well you don't have to snap at me! 
Mort: Now we proceed with - we continue with the scrapings under the nails of the left hand. 
Fraser Sr.: These people look dismal. Well of course I watch what I eat. Do my callisthenics. Get plenty of fresh air. 
Fraser: At least they know their place. 
Frannie: Well what's that supposed to mean? 
Fraser: Nothing, nothing, I'm sorry. 
Frannie: That's okay. I'm kinda on edge too. 
Fraser: You are? 
Frannie: Yeah, actually I find this kind of thrilling. 
Fraser Sr.: Carpe diem, son. 
Frannie: I mean thrilled I guess is the word, short of breath, I mean it's so forbidden! 
Fraser Sr.: I like it. 
Fraser: Oh yeah, well some people, some dead people, they are exciting. Some dead people are not exciting. 
Mort: Who's that? 
Frannie: Uh, it's me Mort. Constable Fraser just wanted to see the morgue. 
Mort: Well it's a good day. We have a full house.T raffic jam. A postal worker gone totally berserk. I don't know what's with the postal department. What drives perfectly good people to desperate acts? How hard can it be delivering mail? See you around. 
(Fraser and Francesca leave) 
Mort: Now we are going to go to the right hand. 
(He takes scrapings from Fraser Sr.'s hand. They sing together.) 
[Corridor] 
Ray: How's your kisser? 
Huey: Okay. Your ear? 
Ray: Okay. Feds still talking to Kuzma? 
Huey: Yeah. Listen, the Vecchio thing you were talking about earlier? Vecchio didn't do Rankin. 
Fraser: How can you be so sure? 
Huey: Lt. Welsh made us follow up on it. We talked to his landlord, he said he saw Rankin a couple of days after we released him, when he went around to collect his rent. 
Stanley: Man, a couple of days after the walls went up? That's a pretty neat trick, huh guys? 
Huey: What's he talking about, what walls? 
Ray: Kid's a psycho. 
Huey: Yeah, you oughta be in the bucket. 
Fraser: Did he say who the landlord was? 
Huey: Offhand, I don't remember his name, but he was the same guy that did the renovations on the interview rooms. He owns a building over in Losca street. 
Fraser: He lied to me. 
Ray: The in itself does not prove anything. 
Fraser: Shows he has a guilty conscience. 
Ray: Let's get him in here, mess with his head. 
Stanley: Yeah, you guys are so cool! 
[Interview 1] 
Welsh: This sorta puts things in a whole different light, wouldn't you say? 
Stella: Obviously agents Ford and Dieter were not aware this interview was being taped. 
Welsh: Well, I didn't want to make them self-conscious, you know, candid camera approach. 
[Squad room] 
Ray: It appears that Mr DeNardo has priors, assault on a couple of his tenants. 
Fraser: He's coming in. 
Ray: What'd you tell him? 
Fraser: well it pains me to admit it, but I lied to him. 
Ray: Oh, nothing happened did it?You weren't struck by lighting, the sky didn't fall in? 
Fraser: Well not yet, but it might have, it might well be the start of a slippery slope. 
Ray: Oh yes, I believe you're going to hell in a ahndcart. 
Desk Sergeant: Oh listen, the fellow you were with earlier, what was his name? 
Fraser: His name was Guy...(Looks at Ray) 
Ray: ...Lombardo. 
Desk Sergeant: Doesn't ring a bell. 
Stella: It's illegally obtained evidence. They had a reasonable expectation of privacy ion that room. No judge in the state will allow it. 
Welsh: But I don't have to play it for the judge. I only have to play it for the deputy director of the FBI. 
Stella: That's balckmail, I can't be involved in that. 
Ray: Lieutenant, I need interview 1 ASAP. 
Welsh: Oh, be my guest, I'm through with it. This guy still here, he doesn't have a home? 
Ray: As a matter of fact, no. 
Fraser: I'm going to get our friend. 
Stanley: Yeah, I'll go with you. 
Welsh: wait wait wait, Fraser? 
Fraser: it's all right, Lieutenant. 
[Morgue] 
Mort: You know, I've been thinking about the postal workers, and the problem is they don't get any respect. Everybody makes jokes about the mailman. 
Fraser: Our mailman used to wrestle grizzly bears. 
Mort: Oh. Is he mine? 
Fraser: No, he's material evidence in a criminal investigation and I just took the liberty of storing him here earlier. 
Mort: Was he dead at that time? 
Fraser: Very. 
Mort: Oh. Then...(begins to sing) 
[Corridor] 
Stanley: Dead guy running! Dead guy running! 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Stanley: Dead guy running! 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Welsh's office] 
Ford: What is it, I'm kinda busy. 
Welsh: What happened to you? 
Ford: Look, do you want something? 
Welsh: Yeah. I want you to leave Kuzma in my jurisdiction. You can have him back when we've finished with him, say 25 years to life. 
Ford: Look, we've been through this already, right? Kuzma is a very important witness in an ongoing federal investigation. Now you got something else, because you're wasting my time. 
Welsh: As a matter of fact I do. 
[Interview 2] 
Ford: Pack up, we're outta here. 
Dieter: Wht? 
Ford: You deaf? Let's go! 
Kuzma What's going on? 
Ford: You killed a cop. Deal with it. 
(Kuzma grabs keys) 
Dieter: He's all yours. 
(Kuzma bites Dewey.) 
Huey: What happened? 
Dewey: He bit me! Get the mask! 
[Squad room] 
Ray: Good. Set it up. 
Desk Sergeant: Hey Vecchio! Mr DeNardo here to see you! Listen, Nicky called, and that recipe you gave him? Doesn't work in the microwave. 
DeNardo: Ain't a recipe if you gotta put it in the microwave. 
Ray: Mr DeNardo? Thanks for dropping by. 
DeNardo: Yeah, so what's all this about? Guy said something about stolen supplies? 
Ray: Well, I know this is a pain in the butt, but my Lieutenant, he's a stickler for paperwork. He just wants you to sign a statement saying that nothing got stolen from your worksite when you were here. 
DeNardo: You gotta be kidding me. Listen, can we make this quick? I'm double parked. 
Ray: No problem. Follow me. 
DeNardo: What happened to your ear? 
Ray: Nothing. 
DeNardo: It was a woman, huh? 
Ray: Have a seat. You want a coffee, soda? 
DeNardo: No, nothing. Like I said, I'm in a bit of a hurry. 
Ray: Okay. I'll just go get the forms. 
[Interview 2. Fraser in watching DeNardo on the video monitor.] 
Ray: Checking his hands. 
Fraser: We can give him a few more minutes. 
Ray: Have we got that kind of time? 
Fraser: I once stood watching an empty cabin for eleven days. 
Ray: Did you know it was empty at the time? 
Fraser: Not for the first nine days, no. 
Ray: Why did you watch it for two more days if you knew it was empty Fraser? Actually, I don't even want to know. 
Fraser: Right. How's your ear? 
Ray: It's fine. Why? 
Fraser: Oh, I was just thinking of a relative of mine, well, distant relative actually, 4th cousin 3 times removed to be exact, Malach Einer was his name. Anyway, one day he had a seashell up to his ear and he was listening to the gentle lapping of the surf when a narwhal poked the surface and shoved the seashell deep into his eardrum, and from that day forward instead of the gentle lapping of the surf he had a rushing torrent raging through his cranium. Relatives. 
Ray: Here we go. (DeNardo is moving on screen) Go go go, come on. 
Fraser: Close. 
Ray:Come on. 
Fraser: Closer. 
Ray: Aw damn. What what what, where's he going? 
Fraser: I could've sworn... This is it. 
Ray: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! We got him there. 
[Interview 1. DeNardo is looking under poster.] 
Ray: Lose something? 
DeNardo: You've got a hole in your dry wall. 
Ray: Yeah? 
DeNardo: Yeah. You got a problem my friend? 
Ray: You got a problem my friend? 
DeNardo: Tough guy. 
(He turns to leave and sees Fraser with Rankin in the doorway.) 
Fraser: Recognise this man? 
DeNardo: I don't recognise anybody. I don't need this. 
Fraser: Take another look. 
DeNardo: I said no. I gotta go back to work. 
Ray: Was this guy leaning on you? 
Fraser: Was he affecting your business interests? 
Ray: Was he shaking you down? 
Fraser: Perhaps he was involved with your wife. 
Ray: Your daughter maybe? 
DeNardo: (Pulls gun) Leave me alone! 
Ray: Good answer. 
DeNardo: I'll kill them! 
Fraser: Mr DeNardo, think about what you are doing. It's impossible to get out of this building. 
DeNardo: Shut up, shut up! 
Fraser: Perhaps Rankin provoked you. Perhaps you didn't intend to kill him. The fact that you shellaced him, wrapped him up is saran wrap, put him in a wall, dry walled it, taped it, plastered it, sanded it, painted it, maybe that was pure panic. It's understandable. I'm sure it happens every day. 
Ford and Dieter: FBI! Freeze! 
(They fire. Fraser knocks DeNardo to the ground.) 
Ray: Alright, alright! Cease fire! (To Stanley) Are you finished? 
Kuzma: I'm walking out of here. Anybody tries to stop me; he's a dead man. (Holds knife to Rankin's throat, then realises he's dead.) 
[Squad room] 
Stanley: Thanks a lot. Thanks for lettin' me go man. It was a blast. 
Ray: That kid, I like that kid. 
Fraser: Uh, Ray? 
Ray: He's got my badge! (Runs after Stanley) 
Frannie: Fraser, I just wanted to thank you. 
Fraser: Thank you. (Frannie kisses him on cheek) 
Fraser Sr.: Good work son. Bit unorthodox, but you got your man. 
Fraser: I had my doubts. 
Fraser Sr.: You'd be an idiot not to. One night, in '72 I think it was, Joe Morgan and I were at this dance. Wasn't much of a dance really, just the five of us. In the wee hours, your mother showed up, made me come home. Next morning one of the trapeers at the dance, Randall T. Bold his name was, turned up dead with Joe's knife in his back. I was dispatched to bring in Joe for the murder. Joe said he hadn't done it, said he'd sold that knife a couple of days before to buy me a birthday present. Was the hardest decision I ever made. I let him go. 
Fraser: He was innocent? 
Fraser Sr.: I thought he was, but it turned out later he was guilty as sin. That trapper was sleeping with Joe's wife. Joe killed him in a murderous rage. 
Fraser: You know Dad, I'm sorry, but I fail to see how this relates in any way, shape or form to my situation. 
Fraser Sr.: Well it doesn't relate exactly, except that sometimes a man's got to get things off his chest, do you mind? 
Fraser: Not really. 
Fraser Sr.: Wait till you're dead. 
Fraser: All right. 

End of Dead Guy Running 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mounty on the Bounty

[gunshots] 
Fraser: All right. The way I assess it is, we could stand our ground and wait for backup, or we could give up. Now, if we stand our ground, they'll likely shoot us. If we give up, well, they'll likely shoot us anyway. What else could they do? 
Ray: Well, they could surrender but I wouldn't count on that. 
Fraser: You know something? We could jump. 
Ray: Like hell we could. 
Fraser: No, no. Would you make a jump like that if you didn't have to? 
Ray: Look, I have to and I'm not gonna. 
Fraser: All right, I'll go first. 
Ray: No. 
Fraser: All right, you go first. 
Ray: No means no! 
Fraser: What is wrong with you? 
Ray: I can't swim. 
Fraser: The quality of the water alone will probably kill us. 
Ray: Look, does this conversation seem strangely familiar to you? 
Fraser: Oddly, yes. All right. On the count of three. 
Ray: One. 
Fraser: Two. 
Together: Three. 
[arrests being made] 
Dewey [to Huey]: Heave. Not heat. Frost heave. Why would I say frost heat? What the hell could frost heat mean? Frost doesn't have heat, right? 
[Ray and Fraser climb out of the water] 
Ray: If we had waited two seconds, they would have been here. 
Fraser: What if they hadn't come? 
Ray: You're a maniac, Fraser. 
[arrests] 
Dewey: Heave is like when you throw up, you know. The frost sort of throws up the ground. That's why your foundation has been moving. That's why you got a basement full of water. 
[Ray and Fraser] 
Fraser: You are overreacting. 
Ray: I'm not overreacting. 
[arrests] 
Huey: No I got a basement full of water because the sewer backed up. 
Dewey: Water. You have water. You have a problem now. 
Welsh: Dewey, you seen Vecchio? 
Dewey: Yeah, they've been going at it for a while down there. 
Welsh: What's the problem? It's a good collar. They did good. 
Dewey: Differences. 
Welsh: Differences, huh? 
[Ray and Fraser] 
Fraser: What do you propose we do, Ray? We are officers of the law. 
Ray: I know that. We're cops. I don't have a cape, you don't have a cape. 
Fraser: No, but I do have a uniform. You carry a badge. And my Sam Browne is sort of a - 
Ray: Look, why are you arguing with me? 
Fraser: I am not arguing with you! 
Ray: Yes you are! That's that thing again. You're correcting. You're niggling. You're doing that thing with the T's and the I's, and I say 'A' and you say 'B'. I say 'night' and you say 'day'. 
Fraser: I think you should be reasonable. I don't do it all the time. 
Ray: Look! You just did it again! 
Fraser: I - 
Ray: You just did it again! It's like some kind of disease. 
Fraser: It's not a disease. 
Ray: Look, I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear it! I don't understand, I don't want to hear it! 
Fraser: Ray, would you just listen to me?! 
Ray: Look - I swear - I swear to God I will punch you right in the face. Fair warning. 
Fraser: Well what does that mean, you're going to punch me?! 
Ray: Just look, I'm going to punch you in the face! Why don't you listen to me?! 
Fraser: Just think calmly - 
[squad room] 
Francesca [on phone]: Okay, so, orange baseball cap, orange slacks, orange shirt, carrying a pizza. . . Is there a light on the car outside with flashing lights marked 'Pizza' by any chance? 
Welsh: Vecchio, you want to come in here for a minute? 
Francesca [on phone]: Okay, and one more question. Did you order a pizza? 
[Fraser's office] 
Thatcher: Fraser, I have something here that I'd like to discuss with you that. . . Constable, I understand that you live here, but during the day - ! 
Fraser: Yes, sir, it's just that, you see, well, Detective Vecchio and I were in pursuit of three individuals who were from the FBI's most wanted list - 
Thatcher: Just - just stay in uniform, Fraser. 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
Thatcher: I have something for you. 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: This came in today. 
Ray: Transfer? 
[Fraser's office] 
Thatcher: To Ottawa. 
[Welsh's office] 
Ray: So I can get my own life back? My own name? 
Welsh: Frankly, I'd choose something a little more interesting if I were you, but if that's what you want, go ahead. 
[Fraser's office] 
Thatcher: Well, you're not going to take it, are you? 
Fraser: Well, I haven't - 
Thatcher: Because over the years we've developed a relationship. Working, of course, working relationship, and you might be hard to replace. Cost-wise. I mean, not everybody would live here in his underwear - uh, work - live in a place where he works. 
[lake shore] 
Ray: This is where it started, so this is where we'll end it. 
Fraser: All right. I was over there. . . I can't do this, Ray. 
Ray: Look, you have to. 
Fraser: This is for good? 
Ray: You put in your transfer, I'll put in mine. It's quits. 
Fraser: You're sure about this? 
Ray: Do it. . . There. . . Done. . . Pleasure working with you. . . Come on, I'll give you a lift. 
[in car] 
Ray: This is 1-1-7. We've got a 10-52 at South Speedway. We need immediate assistance. 
Man: Treasure. . . chest. 
Fraser: He's dead. 
Ray: All right. Okay. One more case, then we're done. 
[morgue] 
Mort: Treasure chest, maybe. 
Ray: Looks like the head of a dog. 
Mort: Very good work. It looks like it was carved into the skin. 
Fraser: With his hook maybe. . . 
Mort: Captain Hook?. . . It would seem to be a map. 
Fraser: Could be. . . 
Ray: Of course it's a map. He's a pirate. 
[squad room] 
Ray: Frannie, can you run some prints for me, check 'em against any known pirates? 
Francesca: Pirates? What do you mean? Like, pieces of eight and sliver me timbers? 
Ray: It's shiver me timbers. 
Francesca: It's sliver. 
Ray: Frannie! 
Francesca: Ray, what can that mean, shiver me timbers? That doesn't mean anything. 
Ray: Sure it does. It means, like, shake your booty, something like that. . . 
Francesca: Ray, pirates. They slide down masts. Wooden masts. Sliver, you get it? Sliver in their timbers?. . . Shiver! 
Ray: I never got that. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, we do not know that he's a pirate. For all we know, he might be an accident-prone accountant. 
Ray: You ever try to run a calculator with a hook? 
Fraser: No, but appearances can be deceiving. You know, I once knew a trapper in Great Slave Lake who ran his trap lines dressed in a three-piece suit. He looked like a banker. Of course, he carried his bait in his pocket, so the smell, it was - well, that's a different story. 
Ray: Fraser, a guy dies. He's got a hook and he's got an eye patch. He says 'treasure'. He says 'chest'. What do you think he is? 
Fraser: Ray, if there are any pirates on the Great Lakes, which I sincerely doubt, I think it's highly unlikely that they would go about dressed like some character invented by Robert Louis Stevenson. 
Ray: Stevenson! 
Francesca: Hey Ray, I got an I.D. His name's Billy Butler. He worked the lake boats most of his life. He's got three convictions for drug smuggling and one for assault. 
Ray: Accountant? 
Fraser: Pirate. 
Ray: Thank you. 
[bar] 
Voices: Who are those guys?. . . Never seen 'em in here. . . 
Ray: Recognize this guy? 
Bartender: Yeah. Used to live in that chair. Moved out about a year ago. Haven't seen him since. 
Ray: You seen this guy? 
Man at bar: Nah. 
Ray: Anybody here seen Butler?. . . You know this guy?. . . You seen him before?. . . How about you? 
Man 1: Is that a wolf? 
Fraser: Ah, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. 
Man 2: A wolf in a bar's bad luck. 
Man 3: No, man, that's a woman on a ship. 
Man 2: That too. 
Man 3: That's whistling on a ship, you idiot. 
Man 1: Wolves, there's gotta be something about wolves. 
Fraser: Well, I know there are a number of nautical superstitions, but I can't think of any offhand that actually feature wolves. 
Man 1: You can't be too careful these days. 
Fraser: And why is that, sir? 
Man 1: There's bad things stirrin' the waters. A ghost ship, with a crew long dead, flying the colors of the Mackenzie. 
Man 2: Come on, you old bastard. You've had too much to drink. 
Ray: You seen this guy?. . . You seen him? Butler?. . . [to Fraser] Goat ship? 
Fraser: Ghost ship. It seems to have scared them all off. 
Bartender: Hey, he left some stuff down in the cellar if you want to go through it. 
Ray: What are you doing? 
Fraser: Well, my Uncle Tiberius owned a very similar trunk in which he had hidden pictures of some naked - aha. 
Ray: Gold. . . 
[outside] 
Ray: I told you. Pirates. 
Fraser: Possibly. 
Ray: What do you mean, possibly? The guy said 'treasure', the guy said 'chest'. You know? We found the chest and this is the treasure. 
Fraser: One bar? 
Ray: Well, where there's one, there's a pile, you know. That's the way treasure works. 
[tapping] 
Lew: What are you doing? You could get somebody - 
Fraser: Sorry, sir. Terribly sorry. 
Ray: Who the hell are you? Why are you following us? 
Lew: The name's Lew. 
Fraser: Blind Lew, by any chance? 
Lew: That's right. I got information about Billy, if you're wanting it. 
Ray: What do you got? 
Lew: Ahh. 70 bucks. 
Ray: 70 bucks? 
Lew: Hey, get an old blind man a decent meal. 
Ray: Where you going to get it, Europe? 20 bucks. 
Lew: 50. It's deductible. 
Ray: Look, this better be good. 
Lew: It is. 
Ray: What is it? 
Fraser: It's an editorial about crab grass. . . 
Lew: Wait, wait. 
Fraser: This is more like it. According to this, Billy Butler was drowned at sea over a year ago. 
[squad room - Francesca's desk] 
Francesca: Okay. Whaling Yankee. Yankee, as in Yankee Doodle Dandy? 
Fraser: That's correct. 
Francesca: And Whaling, as in sperm? 
Fraser: Sperm? 
Ray: No, Francesca, that's wailing as in wailing on a guy's head. 
Francesca: Okay. 
Ray: Look, I don't believe this. A guy on the wharf has better information than we do. 
Francesca: Says who? 
Ray: Says this. Billy Butler sank on the Wailing Yankee a year ago. 
Fraser: 'Here lies the body of John Brown, who was lost at sea and never found.' 
Ray: Francesca, ask Fraser what that's supposed to mean. 
Francesca: It's supposed to mean that your guy drowned, and then what? He swam, crawled, stabbed himself so that he could hang out with Mort? 
Ray: Okay, so we got a bit of a mystery. 
Fraser: Indeed we do. 
Francesca: Hey, I got it. 
Fraser: That's excellent, Francesca. 
Francesca: Thank you, Fraser. 
Fraser: Wailing Yankee. Went down a little more than a year ago. All hands lost. 
Ray: And now I found one of 'em. 
Francesca: Hey, there's the crew. 
Ray: There's my friend Billy. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just found two of 'em. This guy - I saw this guy the night of the murder. 
Fraser: We both saw him, Francesca. 
Ray: Make it bigger, will you, Frannie? 
Francesca: Okay. . . woops. 
Ray: Come on, Frannie, no woops. Don't blow it here. 
Francesca: Okay, okay, just relax. . . see? 
Ray: Yeah, learn fast. Fraser's not going to be around to help much longer. . . Andy Calhoon. Print that out, will you, Frannie? 
Francesca: You're leaving, Frase? 
Fraser: Well, I've been offered a transfer to Ottawa. 
Francesca: Oh. That's great, that's just - that's great. 
Fraser: Is something wrong? 
Francesca: No. I've, um, just got something in my eye. 
Fraser: Well, if you pull your lower eyelid out and fold it over your - 
Francesca: I'll be okay. 
Ray: Let's go. This guy's the killer. 
Fraser: How do we know he's the killer? 
Ray: Two supposed dead guys show up in more or less the same place and one of 'em gets a knife in the back and you think somebody else did it? 
Fraser: Well it could have been a deranged accountant. 
Ray: That is so stupid. A deranged accountant? That's like saying a raging librarian. . . Francesca, can you, uh, run Calhoon for me and see all you can get on the Wailing Yankee? 
Francesca: Yeah. 
Fraser: Francesca? Could you. . .? [to Ray] The other evidence. . . 
Ray: I was going to hold onto that. 
Fraser: Ray, it's evidence. 
Fraser: Francesca, are your eyes all right? 
Francesca: Perfect. 
Fraser: Good. I wonder if you wouldn't mind checking this serial number for us? 
Francesca: Gold. This could have been made into hundreds of wedding bands. 
Fraser: Dief, we have to step out for a couple of minutes. Could you do me a favor and just keep an eye on Francesca?. . . [Dief jumps for joy] . . . Hurts my feelings. 
[docks] 
Ray: Anyone seen this guy?. . . See him?. . . How about you?. . . You know this guy?. . . Anyone? 
Fraser: Gentlemen, good day. 
Man 1: What kind of outfit is that? 
Fraser: My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Man 2: Oh, yeah? What brings you here? 
Fraser: Well, I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father. 
Man 3: Then what? You just stayed? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact, I did, yes, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate. 
Man 2: Interesting. 
Fraser: Thank you. Thank you kindly. I wonder if I could trouble you gentlemen to tell me about the ghost ship? 
Men: No. . . Don't pay to talk about ghosts. . . Those that do are bound to see them. . . And those that see them are doomed to sleep on the bottom of the ocean. 
Ray: Wow, that Canadian charm is working overtime today, Fraser. 
Fraser: These men are afraid, Ray. 
Ray: Yeah, nobody saw anything. 
Fraser: Perhaps he did. 
Ray: Is that a joke, Fraser? 'Cause that's not funny. That's not at all sensitive or Mountie-like. That's completely rude. 
Fraser: Can I borrow your gun? 
Ray: What for? 
Fraser: You'll see. . . Excuse me, sir. 
Lew: Whoa! Oh! Oh! 
Ray: He's not blind. 
Fraser: No, he is not. 
Ray: How'd you know that? 
Fraser: The involuntary movement of the pupils. It's a dead giveaway. 
Lew: I was born blind. My eyesight's slowly getting better. 
Ray: Yeah, right, pal. Know this guy? 
Lew: Never laid eyes on him. 
Ray: Well that's too bad, 'cause if you helped us out I wouldn't have to arrest you for impersonating a blind guy - Hey! Drop the act! 
Lew: I seen him around the Albatross. 
Fraser: Do you recall anything he happened to say? 
Lew: He talked about the Mackenzie. Said he'd seen the ghost ship prowling around the waters near Six Fathom Shoal. It's not something you want to hear. Didn't go by the name of Calhoon, by the way. Called himself Vic Hester. Okay? 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Lew: Okay? Can I go? 
[phone] 
Ray: Yeah? 
Francesca: Hey, Ray, it's me. You know that guy Andy you're looking for? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Francesca: He's got a longer rap sheet than your guy Billy. 
Ray: Yeah, Frannie, what? 
Francesca: Attempted murder, assault, nasty stuff. 
Ray: Okay, thanks, Frannie. 
Francesca: Yeah. Oh, and hey! I checked out some of the other guys on the Wailing Yankee. Everybody on it has a long sheet. 
Ray: That's queer. Who owns it? 
Francesca: I found out his name is Gilbert Wallace. He's the president of Illinois Lake Freight. 
[Illinois Lake Freight] 
Ray: What do you mean it was not unusual? That was like the Con Air of boats. 
Wallace: Look, we hire sailors. We don't kill ourselves checking their morals. 
Fraser: Well, sir, of the 30 crew members you had, 29 of them had serious criminal records. 
Ray: And the other one we haven't tracked yet. 
Fraser: It would seem to be a much higher proportion than could be accounted for by the law of averages. 
Wallace: You go to the Union Hall, you get what you get. 
Ray: What do you know about Vic Hester? 
Wallace: As I said before, nothing. I knew none of these men. Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, I got work to do. 
Fraser: We understand. Thank you kindly for your time. 
Ray: Do not do that, Fraser! 
Fraser: Do what? 
Ray: Cut me off like that! I was going on my gut. When your partner's going on his gut, you got to go with the flow, you got to let it ride, you got to - 
Fraser: Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. 
Ray: What?! 
Fraser: The car's this way. 
Ray: Right. . . Car's this way. . . I knew that. 
Fraser: Wallace said he hired the crew from the Union Hall. 
Ray: Yeah? So? 
Fraser: Vic Hester may be looking for work. 
Ray: Then we'd better go to the Union Hall. 
Fraser: So we're still partners, then? 
Ray: Look, the problem is we're stale. Like bread or something. You know, maybe it's time for a change. 
Fraser: I imagine you'll be taking that transfer then. 
Ray: And you'll take yours. 
[Union Hall] 
Woman: No. . . no. . . no. . . Aha. Henry Allen. 
Ray: Henry Allen? Another alias. 
Fraser: No, I think she's referring to a ship, Ray. 
Woman: Yeah. Sailing from Sault Sainte Marie at 9 in the morning. Your guy's on it. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[outside] 
Fraser: Now if I had a sextant, Ray, I could locate the vehicle in a heartbeat. 
Ray: Mr. Sextant, I told you exactly where the car was. 
Fraser: Yes, you did, but we've been walking around in circles for the last five minutes. . . I think it's to the right. 
Ray: To the right of what? That's not a description of where the car - 
[attacked by several men] 
Man: Don't go lookin' for the Mackenzie. 
Ray: Come on!. . . [attackers run away] Look, Fraser, there's the car, right by the boat, right where I told you. 
Fraser: I think we're on to something, Ray. 
Ray: Oh, yeah, like getting killed. . . Look, I may be damaged, Fraser, but I'm not stupid. There's more to life than dying. 
Fraser Sr.: Partnership is like a marriage, son. Give and take, up and down, who left the empty butter dish in the fridge. . . It isn't easy. 
Fraser: No, it isn't. 
Fraser Sr.: Buck Frobisher and I were a team, maybe the best team the North has ever known. One day we fell out and it all but destroyed us. 
Fraser: What did you do? 
Fraser Sr.: We swallowed our pride for the greater good. Someone's using a brave ship's name for an evil purpose, and you've got to stop them. You need the Yank. Swallow the pride, son. 
Fraser: Ray - 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I know what you're going to say. You give me a reason - you give me one reason why we should risk our skinny asses chasing the Robert Mackenzie. That is way out of our jurisdiction. We have no authorization. . . Okay? 
Fraser: On November 1st, 1969, the Robert Mackenzie left a pier in Thunder Bay carrying 28,110 long tons of high-sulfur coal bound for the steel mills in Detroit. She was 810 feet long, 80 feet wide, crewed by 32 men and captained by Scottie Phillips. Now, no one on board could have known they were headed into a gale known as the Witch of November. By 2 a.m. on the 2nd, the seas were already running at 20 feet. The winds were gusting at 50 miles an hour. At 3:13, the Mackenzie radioed her sister ship, the Phoenix, to say she'd taken a wave over the wheelhouse, knocking out her radar. She was blind in the water, navigating by dead reckoning. . . Captain Phillips decided to head south to find shelter in Bet Grise Bay by way of Keweenaw Point. But by then the seas were running over 40 feet. Winds were blowing at 100 miles an hour. . . At 4:23 a wave broke, exposing a mountain of rock known as Six Fathom Shoal. . . Time stopped. . . The Mackenzie hit the shoal broadside, cutting her in half. The stern was still under full power and it rammed the bow, crushing men on metal as they were caught midship scrambling for life boats. It hit the bow three times before it finally drove it under. And then the stern continued into the night, all its lights blazing, fires burning from the ruptured boilers, like some kind of headless beast. Captain Phillips' last transmission to the Phoenix read, 32 down on the Robert Mackenzie. 
Ray: . . . All right. . . Say we drive like hell, I mean, put the pedal to the metal. . . Can we get to Sault Sainte Marie and get on the Henry Anderson before she sails? 
Fraser: Allen. Henry Allen. . . Yes. 
Ray: Right, Allen. . . Come on. 
[Henry Allen bridge] 
Smithers: All ahead, one-third. 
[Henry Allen captain's quarters] 
Smithers: Good to see you, Benton boy. 
Fraser: Yes, and you too, sir. 
Smithers: Stirs up memories. 
Ray: Wait a minute, Fraser. You know this guy? 
Fraser: Yes. Captain Smithers is an old friend of my father's. As a matter of fact, he taught me how to tie my first knot. . . Oh, dear. 
Smithers: Yeah, double clove and half hitch. Tie a knot in his tail to hold the devil down. 
Ray: Does everybody in Canada know everybody? 
Fraser: No. 
Smithers: Old Bob Fraser. . . 
Fraser Sr.: Old! Who's he calling old? I've been dead for years and I still look twice as good as he does! 
Smithers: Yeah, we go back a long way, me and Bob. I saved his life in a bar fight once in. . . 
Fraser Sr.: Skagway. 
Smithers: Skagway - How did you know that? Oh yeah, your father told you - In '59. 
Fraser Sr.: That's a crock! 
Smithers: Bart Anderson got liquored up and came after him with a harpoon. 
Fraser Sr.: It was a small pocket knife. 
Smithers: Luckily, I got between him and your dad. 
Fraser Sr.: He sure did. He was as goggle-eyed as old Bart. I had to throw them in the brig to sleep it off. 
Smithers: Those were the days. 
Ray: I hate to interrupt memories, but we think you might have a killer on board. 
Smithers: In my crew? 
Fraser: In your crew, sir. 
Smithers: Well, son, you show me the maggot and I'll take him apart like that Moor in the Dardanelles! By God, I'll throw him in the brig! 
Ray: You got a brig? 
Smithers: Well. . . no. 
Fraser Sr.: There! You see? He wouldn't be able to tell the truth if his life depended on it! 
Smithers: It's cold in here. 
Fraser: Sir, we don't think there's any pressing need to disassemble this man. At the moment, he's just a suspect. We would like to observe him, unobtrusively. 
Smithers: Unobtrusively. 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
Smithers: How are you going to do that? 
[Henry Allen hold] 
Fraser: Now that we're out here, we're away from the city, doing good honest work - there's nothing like it, is there? 
Ray: Hell, maybe. 
Hester: Bad luck bringin' strange crew on board. 
Larry: Specially on the North Shore route. 
Man: Why's that? 
Hester: We're passing by the graveyard they call Six Fathom Shoal. 
Ray: Is there anything on this ship that isn't bad luck? 
Hester: Eddie Walters saw her last week. He was on the Bailey Madison. 
Larry: The Robert Mackenzie cut across her bow. Dead men on the deck, crying out for help. 
Hester: I saw it once myself. She come up on us in the night. Nothing on radar, and then, there she was. I don't want to see her again. I say we get the Captain to take the south route. 
Man: Yeah, I'd like to see you tell old Iron Bottom where to sail his ship. He'll have your guts for garters in a second. 
Larry: Well he's got no call crossing us with no ghost ship. 
Hester: I don't want to see the face of a dead man staring back at me in the middle of the night. 
Larry: Jeez, I hate ghosts. 
[squad room] 
Welsh: Maybe they got involved in a case and forgot to report in. 
Thatcher: Constable Fraser failed to fill out his daily 10989B report. 
Welsh: He failed to fill out a report? Vecchio hasn't done one for three months. It's not cause for general panic. 
Turnbull: While there is breath in his body, Constable Fraser would never neglect to do his paperwork. Never. No real Mountie would. 
Thatcher: Thank you, Constable. 
Welsh: All right, Inspector. What do you suggest we do? 
Thatcher: I think we should mount a coordinated search effort. I am offering you the entire resources of the Canadian Consulate. 
Welsh: And those would be? 
Thatcher: Constable Turnbull and myself. And the wolf. 
[Henry Allen - crew's mess] 
Hester: . . . cold night. Dark, as if the stars themselves had fled. She come out of the fog, draped in seaweed, foul stench rolling across the water. . . 
Ray [to Fraser]: What is this? 
Fraser: Food, Ray. Good hearty food. Just the thing after a long day's work. 
Ray: Does it come with instructions? 
Fraser: Open mouth. Put in. 
Hester: . . . And when the moon broke through the clouds and shone her light on the faces of the dead, their eyes were the devil's own. Their faces were pale. . . 
Ray [whispers]: Keep them occupied. 
Fraser: Gentlemen, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. . . 
Man: What's that? 
[begins song] 
[Henry Allen - crewman's cabin] 
Ray: Oh, yeah. . . [sound at door] You know what's funny? This is not the room I was looking for. I was looking for the skull. . . the- the top. . . the front. . . 
Larry: The head? 
Ray: The head. You see, I been drinking, and I'm lost, so I just, I got all. . . It's a large boat- ship. . . And I'll just circumnavigate myself out this way, and the head will probably be. . . down. . . there. 
[Henry Allen - crew's mess] 
Ray [whispers]: His locker's full of electronic gizmos and transistors 
Fraser [whispers]: Stay here. I'll inform the captain. 
[squad room] 
Francesca [on phone]: Oooh, that's great!. . . [to others] You, uh, okay! The gold robbery! The big gold robbery! 
Thatcher: What gold robbery? 
Francesca: The big one! The big one! You know! This is from there! Ray had this - 
Welsh: Francesca! 
Thatcher: Take a deep breath. 
Welsh: All right, let it out slowly. 
Turnbull: And think of the color yellow. 
Welsh: What is it? 
Francesca: Okay. Okay. Fraser and Ray found this in the stuff of the dead pirate. 
Thatcher: Pirate? 
Welsh: The guy with the hook, the eye patch. Billy Butler. 
Francesca: Um-hmm. So I just called and they traced it. This was part of the big shipment that got stolen from the Chicago Federal Reserve Bank last year. That was huge. 
Welsh: You're kidding. 
Huey: That was a hundred million in gold bullion. 
Welsh: Yeah, they were seasoned pros. They killed the six guards. 
Thatcher: This is what Fraser and Ray are investigating? 
Welsh: Apparently. 
Turnbull: And not to get lost in the shuffle, we have an excellent lead. All we need to do is find the robbers, and we'll find Constable Fraser! 
[Henry Allen - bridge] 
Smithers: Ah, Constable Fraser. . . I thought you were under cover. 
Fraser: Well, I was. 
Smithers. Oh. . . Sorry about that. 
Fraser: That's not really important any more. What is important is that I have reason to believe that someone has tampered with your radar. 
Smithers: My radar? It looks all right. 
Fraser: Nevertheless, I think. . . 
Smithers: Huh? 
Fraser: Can you manipulate this image? 
Smithers: Sure. 
Fraser: Can you make it seem further out? 
Smithers: Yeah. 
Fraser: Looks like the head of a dog. . . 
Smithers: Yes, you're right. It does. It looks like a golden retriever. Could be a Labrador, or Doberman - 
Fraser: It's also a motive for murder. 
Smithers: What? 
Fraser: It's also a motive for murder. 
Helmsman: Ship! Ship in the water! Dead ahead! 
Smithers: No sign of it on the radar screen - 
Helmsman: She's a ghost! It's the Mackenzie! The Robert Mackenzie! 
Smithers: No, stop blithering, you idiot! 
[shouts from crew] 
Fraser Sr.: See what I mean, son? There's something funny about this whole setup. Those are the worst looking ghosts I've ever seen. 
Smithers: It doesn't look too good. 
Fraser Sr.: What's wrong with them? 
Fraser: Well, theoretically they're dead. 
Fraser Sr.: Well I'm dead. There's nothing wrong with me. Look at them. The look pale. Look at me. I'm pink. 
Fraser: They're draped in seaweed. 
Smithers: Helmsman! Helmsman! 
Fraser: Are you all right? 
Fraser Sr.: Yeah, I'm fine. 
Smithers: Helms- ! Lash down the wheel, Benton. I'll deal with the crew. 
Fraser: Lash down the wheel? 
Smithers: Use a running bowline. 
Fraser: Running bowline, running bowline, running bowline. . . 
Fraser Sr.: You know what this is, son. You know what this is. 
Fraser: What is it? 
Fraser Sr.: The rabbit comes out of the hole, runs around the tree, goes back in the hole and. . . No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. . . It's not a rabbit. It's a squirrel that goes up the tree. And it's a squirrel because the tail is longer, meaning the end of the rope. And it doesn't go back in the hole- 
Fraser: Of course it doesn't go in the hole. It's a squirrel. 
Fraser Sr.: Exactly. 
Fraser: Well, what does the squirrel do? 
Smithers: Off my bridge! 
Hester: All you got to do is head south, stay out of Robert Mackenzie's territory 
Smithers: She's my ship. I'll head her anywhere I damn well please, you mutinous, scab-sided, scum-sucking son of a poxy sea witch! 
Larry: You shut up! You do what he says! We ain't crossing no ghost ship! 
Smithers: I'll hang you from the nearest yardarm before I turn this ship! 
Hester: You going to let him get us all killed? 
Man: It wouldn't hurt to turn the ship. . . 
[shouts of agreement] 
Smithers: You get back to your station! Do what I tell you or I'll gut you like herring! I'll tear you apart like I disassembled that Moor in the Dardanelles! 
Fraser: It's not a ghost ship. 
Hester: Don't listen to him! 
Fraser: It's the Wailing Yankee disguised to look like the Robert Mackenzie. 
Larry: He's lying! 
Fraser: And the crew are not ghosts. They're criminals. 
Hester: How come she don't show up on the radar then, huh? 
Fraser: Because you tampered with the radar. He also killed a man in Chicago, a man who was carrying a map that pinpointed a location roughly 30 miles east of here. 
Hester: I never killed anybody! 
Fraser: He killed that man to prevent him from revealing that location, a location so secret that they invented a phony ghost ship to scare people off. 
Smithers: Are you going to side with this cowardly, murdering scum? 
Fraser: Would you side with those who would destroy the reputations of the men who sailed with the Robert Mackenzie? 
Man: How do we know you're telling the truth? 
Smithers: Look at him. He's a Mountie. . . 
Men: It's the hat. . . Yeah, yeah, he's a Mountie. . . Has to be. . . Yeah, he's a Mountie. . . 
Smithers [to Fraser]: Now what? 
Fraser: Stay your course. 
Smithers: All right you miserable sons of. . . 
Fraser: Tell me where my partner is. 
Hester: Why should we tell you? 
Fraser: Because it's the right thing to do. 
Fraser Sr.: Now this is where you need the Yank, so he can threaten them with force, tell them he's going to kick 'em in the head or jump Bogart all over them or one of those other colorful expressions he's so fond of. 
Fraser: I can do that. 
Fraser Sr.: Oh, they would never believe you, son. 
Fraser: They might. 
Fraser Sr.: Well, give it a try. . . 
Fraser: So I shall. . . [to Hester and Larry] Tell me where my partner is or I will kick you in the heads. 
Larry: Really? 
Fraser: . . . No. Not- not really. 
Smithers: Ghost ship dead ahead, Benton! 
Fraser: Stay your course! There's nothing they can do to you. 
Smithers: Right. . . 
[Wailing Yankee opens fire] 
Fraser: Oh, dear. 
Smithers: Abandon ship!. . . [to Fraser] By rights, I should be the last off. 
Fraser: But I can't leave, sir. 
Smithers: She's a big ship. You'll never find him. 
Fraser: He's my partner. I have to try. 
Smithers: Well, good luck, Benton. 
Fraser: Thank you, sir. 
Fraser Sr.: I'm glad to see the back of him. . . You could be in some trouble, son. 
Fraser: You may be right. 
[Henry Allen - below deck] 
Fraser: Ray! Are you all right? I am going to have to remove your tape. It's probably easier if I do it fast. . . [Ray shakes his head no]  You'd prefer that I do it slowly? [Ray nods his head yes.  Fraser rips off the tape fast.] 
Ray: Ahh!. . . God!. . . Okay, I'll kill them. Where are they? 
Fraser: Well, they're in a life boat. 
Ray: A life boat. 
Fraser: Well, yes. The ship is sinking. 
Ray: Yeah. Ship is sinking. Okay, the ship's sinking! 
Fraser: Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Calm down. Calm down. We need your keys. 
Ray: What keys? 
Fraser: The keys to your handcuffs. 
Ray: The keys to my handcuffs. . . Let me think. . . Left jacket pocket. No, those are the keys to my old car. . . Right jacket pocket. . . Apartment. Old apartment. Locker. Don't know. Don't know. . . 
Fraser: Ray, you know, you really should try to keep your things a little more organized. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, this is the wrong time for advice on neatness. 
Fraser: It may be the wrong time for advice, Ray, but it's never the wrong time for neatness. 
Ray: Those guys must have taken the key. 
Fraser: It would seem likely. 
Ray: So. You got another plan? 
Fraser: You betcha I do. I'm going to pick the lock. 
Ray: Pick the lock. That's good, Fraser. That's very good. . . Come on, come on. 
Fraser: Here, I want you to put your head under this bucket. 
Ray: Thanks, Fraser. . . I guess. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: Fraser! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: Fraser! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: Fraser! Fraser! Fra- 
Fraser: Ray, please. You have to stop yelling. The echo in here is just, well, it's very jarring. 
Ray: Mmmm. 
Fraser: Oh, sorry. 
Ray: Get my gun. 
Fraser: Oh. I imagine you would like me to shoot off your handcuffs. 
Ray: Yeah, sometime this week would be nice, Fraser. 
Fraser: Your gun is gone. 
Ray: Not that gun. My boot gun, my boot gun. 
Fraser: Boot gun, right. . . Ready? 
Ray: Ready. 
Fraser: All right. 
Ray: See?! This is why we're gettin' stale, Fraser. Communication - we're not doing it. 
Fraser: What are you talking about? I thought we communicated remarkably well considering you had a bucket over your head. 
Ray: Yeah, well, it's gotta be like instinct, like breathing. 
Fraser: Ray, that door, I'm not sure that - 
Ray: What?! 
Fraser: All right, Mr. Instinct! 
Ray: Right. 
[station corridor] 
Welsh: This was a big heist, gentlemen, which means it was a big team. Let's pound the docks with pictures of this Wailing Yankee crew. If we shake everything down maybe we'll come up with a couple more dead guys. 
Dewey: Sir, what if we shake out some gold while we're at it? 
Huey: Yeah. There was. I mean, there was a lot of gold. 
Welsh: If you find gold before you find Vecchio and Fraser, I'm going to load it in your pants and drop you into the lake. Keep your eyes on the prize, gentlemen. We got officers out there. They might need a lifeline. 
[Henry Allen] 
Ray: I paid 300 bucks - 300 bucks! - for this stupid thing, and it doesn't even work. 
Fraser: Well, you know, generally speaking, water and electronics are not a good mix. 
Ray: Generally speaking. 
Fraser: Yeah. Oh, well. Look at that!
Ray: It's a fish. 
Fraser: Yeah. It's an encouraging sign. 
Ray: That's not a sign, Fraser, it's a fish. 
Fraser: Well, it's a trout, to be exact, which is a sign that the water quality of the Great Lakes is actually returning. 
Ray: Look, why are you arguing with me, Fraser? It's not a sign, it's a fish! That means the boat's sinking and we're dying! 
Fraser: Well, yes, it's a sign of that also. 
Ray: Fraser! I got a signal! 
[squad room - Francesca's desk] 
Francesca [phone]: Detective Division. . . It's them! It's them! 
Welsh: Get 'em on the speaker! 
Francesca: Where are you guys? 
Ray [on phone]: . . . sink. . . somewhere. . . 
Welsh: What sink? Kitchen sink perhaps? 
Ray [on phone]: . . . sink. . . sink. . . 
Thatcher: Where is your sink? 
[Henry Allen] 
Ray: We're sink-ing! 
Fraser: Give them our coordinates, Ray. I think we're roughly 47 degrees latitude. . . 
Ray: 47 degrees latitude. . . 
Fraser: 85 degrees longitude. . . 
Ray: 85 degrees longitude. . . 
[squad room] 
Ray [on phone]: 85. . . longi. . . got. . . 
Welsh: Write that down. 
Ray [on phone]: 47. . . 85. . . 
Turnbull: Uh, 5-8-7-4. Got it. 
Thatcher: 4-7-8-5. . . [to Welsh] Dyslexia. 
Welsh: Ray! 
[Henry Allen] 
Ray: Captain?. . . Cap- ? [to Fraser] Battery's dead. 
[squad room] 
Thatcher: A license plate? 
Welsh: Phone number? Part of a phone number? 
Francesca: There's a 478 exchange in Chicago. 
Welsh: Get a reverse directory. Get somebody on it right away. Dial every number with that prefix. 
Thatcher: That's kind of a long shot. 
Francesca: Yeah, there could be thousands of numbers. Who's going to take on a job as revolting and tedious as that? 
[Henry Allen] 
Fraser: You wouldn't happen to have a screwdriver, do you, Ray? 
Ray: Not on me, Fraser. 
Fraser: Oh. That's too bad. 
Ray: Yeah, well, I left my garage in my other pants. 
Fraser: All right. Mental note: Equipment myself with a portable waterproof all-purpose toolkit. . . Ray. Ray. Ray. . . 
Ray: It's as dark as sin in here. . . Your matches still work? 
Fraser: Yeah, they're waterproof. It's standard issue for every Mountie. 
Ray: They don't last very long. Come on, light another one. 
Fraser: I think we should save the others for an emergency. 
Ray: And this is what? Recreational swimming? 
Fraser: Well, Ray, you know, any situation can deteriorate . . . Ray!. . . Oh, dear. 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: We're trapped. 
[docks] 
Dewey: Anything?. . . Next pier. 
Huey: Hey, what if you ran into a pile of gold? What would you do with it? 
Dewey: Well that's a snap. I'd get a storefront in a strip mall somewhere, open up a comedy club, call it the Ad-Lib or the One-Liner. 
Huey: A strip mall? 
Dewey: Yeah. I mean, it's not big time but at least you'd get a steady flow of business. 
Huey: Yeah? 
Dewey: Yeah. 
Huey: Okay. Do one. 
Dewey: What? 
Huey: Do a one-liner. 
Hooker: You boys looking for a date? Tommy! How's it going? 
Dewey: Ah, pretty good. Hey, listen, you want to do me a favor? Just look at these photographs for us. Just take your time. 
Huey: You know her? 
Dewey: High school. She's grown up. 
[Henry Allen] 
Fraser: All right. We have to go this way. 
Ray: Come on, Fraser, hang on a second. A hundred and fifty yards under water? 
Fraser: Well, it's meters, actually. 
Ray: Meters, yards, you think my lungs know the difference? 
Fraser: It's our only option. 
Ray: That's an option? 
Fraser: Well, no. 
Ray: No? What kind of logic is that? 
Fraser: Well, it's logic of a kind. 
Ray: How? 
Fraser: Well, sort of like a strange loop. It's like Godel's Theorem. 
Ray: Who's Godel? Godel? Who the hell is Godel? 
Fraser: Godel was a German mathematician who founded this theorem that, loosely translated, means, everything I say is a lie. 
Ray: So everything he said was a lie. 
Fraser: Right. Except that what he just said was the truth. 
Ray: So everything he said was a lie and the truth at the same time. 
Fraser: Exactly, see, it loops back in onto itself. 
Ray: A loop. I see. This I get, this is blood. I can go with this. 
Fraser: Well, it's also a function of logic. 
Ray: Logic! See? There you go again! You always got to take it one step further, right? One step over the line! 
Fraser: Why are you yelling at me? 
Ray: I am not yelling! 
Fraser: You are yelling! 
Ray: I'm not yelling! 
Fraser: You are yelling. . . at. . . me! 
Ray: I can't- I can't swim. 
Fraser: Right. . . Right. Well, then, a quick lesson is probably what's called for right now. Okay, coat off. I want you to try to think about- think of yourself as a flower that opens by day and then it closes down at night. All right? So think, bloom, close, bloom, close. 
Ray: All right. . . What do I do with my feet? 
Fraser: Just kick. Kick as though you were interviewing suspects. You ready? Big breath. 
Ray: What was that, Fraser? 
Fraser: What was what? 
Ray: That thing you were doing with your mouth. 
Fraser: Oh, that. That's buddy breathing. You seemed to be in a bit of a, well, having a problem. I have excess lung capacity, so. . . 
Ray: Buddy breathing. 
Fraser: Standard procedure. 
Ray: Good. . . Okay. . . All right. . . Nothing's, like, changed or anything, right? 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: Okay. 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Ray: Thanks. 
Fraser: You're thanking me? 
Ray: Look, don't get too excited, Fraser. The jury's still out on this partnership thing, okay? 
Fraser: Oh, well, don't worry, Mr. Instinct, I'm not excited. . . Yikes. 
[apartment building hallway] 
Dewey: So what would you do if you came across a pile of gold? 
Huey: Me? 
Dewey: Yeah. 
Huey: I'd get one of those drum machines, plug it in. They got the whole kit on them. You know, bass, snare, cymbals, and you can program patterns and stuff. You know, rhythm patterns. 
Dewey: Really? 
Huey: Oh, yeah, it's very cool. 
Dewey: So, like a traveling DJ sort of? 
Huey: Yeah, sort of. 
Dewey: Cool. . . Take it real easy, buddy, that's it. 
[Henry Allen] 
Ray: Fire extinguishers? 
Fraser: You bet, Ray. It should make an excellent propellant. 
Ray: Fraser, you done this kind of thing before? 
Fraser: Well no, not precisely. Although there was one occasion when I was underneath a drilling platform in a fjord just south of Clyde River - 
Ray: Come on, Fraser, just tell me the truth. Just say, I'm going to endanger your life, Ray, my friend, I'm going to endanger your life in a wildly bizarre way. 
Fraser: All right. Ray, my friend, I'm going to endanger your life in a wildly bizarre way. Step back. Follow me. 
Ray: Ahh, Fraser, this hurts my head. 
Fraser: You've just got to get streamlined, Ray. 
Ray: How do you streamline your head? 
Fraser: Practice. 
Ray: How do you practice something like this? 
Fraser: Holy Moly, look at that. It's a golden eagle. 
Ray: Ah, Fraser, we're slowing down. 
Fraser: Yep. That would be gravity. 
Ray: And now? 
Fraser: Now we're falling. Big breath. 
Ray: Three. 
Fraser: Two. 
Both: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! 
Fraser: Well that was exciting, wasn't it? 
Ray: Real exciting, Fraser. . . I can't swim. 
Fraser: Well what do you call what you're doing right now? 
Ray: I'm praying in water. 
Fraser: Well, it looks as though your prayers might have been answered. Look. We found the criminals. Okay, come on. Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head. Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head. Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head. . . 
[station corridor] 
Welsh: All right, what do we know about this guy? 
Huey: John Thomas aka Tony John aka Jimmy Toms. Done time for armed robbery and assault. 
Dewey: He was a weapons expert, served with the 82nd airborne. Specialty in explosives and tunnels. 
Thatcher: Perfect for the Federal Reserve job. 
Welsh: All right. Go check his apartment out. Look, I'm not waiting for a lawyer on this. We're going to go in there like we know the full sheet. We're going to grill the snot out of him. 
Francesca: Yeah, let's kick some- 
Welsh: Francesca, you're not official. 
Francesca: Well neither is she. 
Thomas: Come on, you can't grill me with two chicks, foxes though they might be. I got rights. 
Welsh: Yeah, we got two missing cops out there. You got no rights, pal. 
Thomas: You didn't even Miranda me. 
Thatcher: We are not looking for a conviction. We just want some information. 
Francesca: And we are not playing games, ashtray. 
Thomas: Ashtray? 
Francesca: We're here to get some information. And we're going to get that information. 
Thomas: Get out of my face. 
Francesca: You know, you-you-you don't seem to understand that there are people out there that we care about, hair bottle. 
Thomas: Hair bottle? 
Francesca: And we're not going to let a little piece of melon like you get in our way. Do you understand? 
Thomas: Melon? 
Thatcher: You know what she means. 
Thomas: No I don't. Melon? Ashtray? Hair bottle? What kind of talk is this? Is this some kind of code? 
[Wailing Yankee - deck] 
Ray: What the hell is that guy wearing on his head? 
Fraser: I think it's his ghost disguise. 
[squad room] 
Welsh: What d'ya got? 
Dewey: We found a pay stub under his mattress. 
Huey: Illinois Lake Freight company 
Dewey: The guy's been working for them a year and a half after he went down on his ship. 
Welsh: Take a lesson. That's real dedication. 
Dewey: Yep. 
Welsh: Gilbert Wallace. CEO, president, and chief bottle washer. Illinois Lake Freight. I want to know everything about Mr. Wallace and his company. Everything. 
Huey: You got it, Lieutenant. 
Dewey: You know what? 
Huey: Hmm? 
Dewey: I think we should work together. 
Huey: We do work together. 
Dewey: No, I mean on the other stuff. Like, say, you get your drum machine, I get my one-liner. 
Huey: Yeah? 
Dewey: You know, I do the zinger, you do the rim shot. 
Huey: Yeah, okay, so it would go. . .? 
Dewey: It would go, like, ladies and gentlemen, my wife is so - 
Huey: Ba-dum psh, like that? 
Dewey: You got to wait for the joke to finish. 
[Wailing Yankee - hold] 
Hester: We better get a move on. If they got off a distress signal the Coast Guard'll be moving in soon. . . No, we got a couple of hours at least. Canadian budget cuts. 
Fraser: Some kind of salvage operation. 
Hester [to Wallace]: They're not going to go quiet. 
Wallace: No, but they will go. And this time they'll go down with their ship. What about the cops? 
Hester: Lying on the bottom. 
Ray: What are they saying? 
Fraser: They're out of my range. We have to try to get closer. 
Ray: Why? Why are we even on this tub in the first place? There we were, having a leisurely swim doing the bloom-close, bloom-close - 
Fraser: I think we can divert him if I, on the count of three. . . Or, well, yeah, do it your way. 
Ray: What are you doing? 
Fraser: Checking the cargo. 
Ray: It's oil. . . What, you found something you can't eat? 
Fraser: It's oil laced with PCBs, probably from discarded transformers. 
Ray: You can taste all that? 
Fraser: Well, naturally I try to keep informed of threats to the environment. 
Ray: Well, naturally. 
Fraser: Come on. 
[Welsh's office - squad room] 
Welsh: All right, we got a gold robbery. Then we have a freight company. And we got a real dead guy, map carved on chest, could be pirate, down in the basement. We got a crew made up of the undead. Now can you tell me how this stuff possibly fits together? 
Thatcher: Let's start with the pirate. 
Welsh: Patch, hook, he's got everything. 
Thatcher: I see your progress leaves something to be desired, Constable. 
Turnbull: Well, with only four numbers, sir, yes. 
Thatcher: Constable, four numbers are more than sufficient to locate. . . four numbers? 
Turnbull: Four tiny little ordinals. 4-7-8-5. 
Thatcher: You said he had a map? 
Welsh: Yeah, carved right in his chest. 
Thatcher: It's not a phone number. It's coordinates. 
Welsh: Coordinates? 
Thatcher: Map coordinates! He's giving us map coordinates! We need a map. 
Welsh: Somebody get me a map! 
Thatcher: 4785. That's Lake Superior. Get a map of the lake! 
[Wailing Yankee - hold] 
Ray: Do you have to do that? 
Fraser: Very high arsenic content. 
Ray: Fraser, spit it out! 
Fraser: No, you know, a little bit of arsenic can't hurt you, Ray. . . I think this entire ship is a floating toxic dump. 
Ray: This is all about garbage? 
Fraser: The illegal disposal of toxic waste is a lucrative criminal activity. 
Ray: Does this look like garbage to do, Fraser? 
Fraser: That looks like gold. 
[morgue] 
Mort: If it would make things easier for you, I could slice the map right off his chest. 
Thatcher: That might help. 
Turnbull: Mmmmm. 
Welsh: Is he all right? 
Thatcher: With Turnbull, one can never tell. . . Wait! Here! Here it is. 
Welsh: The map coordinates? 
Thatcher: There. Almost the same place. That's near Sam Thorn's detachment headquarters. We can secure resources there. 
Welsh: The open waters are calling me back. 
Thatcher: You were a sailor? 
Welsh: My uncle worked the lake boats. The sea is my genetic destiny. Shape up! We're shipping out. 
Mort: Ho yo ho! Ho yo ho! 
[Wailing Yankee - hold] 
Larry: Hey, what's going on? 
Wallace: The cops got John Thomas. 
Larry: Can we get to him? 
Wallace: Dumb play. 
Larry: It would be fun to shoot him. 
Wallace: Forget him. Here's the drill. We get the gold out, set the charges in the cargo, blow the hold, and move on. By the time the cops figure out what's happening, we'll be just another shipwreck. 
Larry: That's going to take some time. 
Wallace: Well, you better get a move on. 
Larry: Okay. 
Fraser: Diabolical. They're going to combine the poisons with linked explosives. The combination of arsenic, oil, PCBs - well, it could lead to an ecological disaster of unimaginable proportions. You see, Ray, this vessel lies up-current of Six Fathom Shoal. And a toxic spill here would contaminate the St. Mary's River, which is one of the most fertile spawning ground of the entire Great Lakes, and that in turn could set off a chain reaction that could lead to, well, it could lead to the destruction of life in the entire Great Lakes sys- Ray? Ray? What are you doing? 
Ray: The gold. 
Fraser: The gold is secondary. Follow me. . . Ray? 
Hester: All right, let's get it done. Pallets 1, 3, and 6, top deck. Let's go. 
Larry: Let me know as soon as the transfer vessel gets here. 
Hester: Henderson! Thompson! Don't go to sleep on me back there, huh? Keep at it. 
Man: We got two naked seamen here! 
Radio voice: Roger, two naked seamen. 
Hester: Find these guys! 
Ray: Fraser, come on. 
Larry: We got two bogeys. . . The submersible! 
[underbrush] 
Welsh: I thought Turnbull was supposed to be cutting this path. 
Thatcher: Knowing Turnbull, he's either taken a circuitous route or gotten himself entangled with some bears. 
Welsh: Bears? There are bears in these woods? 
Thatcher: Fairly crawling with them, I would imagine. 
Welsh: Great. . . Bears. . . Inspector, what are they doing? 
Thatcher: Hiding. 
Welsh: But I can see them. 
Thatcher: New recruits. Although it seems they have captured Turnbull. . . It must be some kind of drill, I would imagine. 
Turnbull [to captors]: I congratulate you on your impressive technique. 
[shouts] 
Thorn: Identify yourselves! 
Thatcher: Inspector Meg Thatcher, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, sir! 
Thorn: Meg? My God, I haven't seen you since, well, since the Incident. What brings you to this neck of the woods? 
Welsh: We have two officers in trouble. 
Thorn: Say no more! Follow me! Recruits, to heel! 
[submersible] 
Ray: Hey, you're hogging all the room, Fraser. Can you move your leg? 
Fraser: No, I can't move my leg. 
Ray: Why? 
Fraser: It's asleep. 
Ray: Oh. . . Got any idea where we are? 
Fraser: Yes, you are right behind me and I am right in front of you. 
Ray: I mean in the water. 
Fraser: Oh. Well, we should be coming across Six Fathom Shoal, at which point I'll be able to navigate by dead reckoning. Well, that is, provided I've calculated correctly. 
Ray: And if you haven't? 
Fraser: Oh well, then, we'll be hopelessly lost. 
Ray: Oh, see, this is what I love about you, Fraser. That real positive, you know, everything's-going-to-work-out-fine kind of attitude. It really butters my muffin, eh? 
Fraser: Thank you, Ray. 
Fraser Sr.: Oh he's right, son. You're too logical and dispassionate. It's too hard on him. You can't force your standards on other people. Come on now. 
Ray: What are you looking at? 
Fraser: You. 
Ray: Come on, keep your eyes on the road, just. . . [mutters] looking at me. . . 
[detachment camp] 
Welsh: You call these resources? 
Thatcher: Well, there have been a few budget cuts lately. Still, Sergeant Thorn is an excellent man - well, woman. 
Welsh: If she's so excellent, what's she doing out here in the boonies? 
Thatcher: Well, she has a few idiosyncrasies. Her official performance review designation was BTC. 
Welsh: BTC? 
Thatcher: Big Time Crazy. She had a long-standing dispute with headquarters regarding the future of the force. Her position was that we should revamp and develop ourselves into a fully fledged naval power. 
Welsh: Naval power? 
Thatcher: Umm. 
Thorn: And why not? What's the point of having a strong federal force without a strong naval power? 
Thatcher: I don't think we need to get into that right now, Sergeant. 
Thorn: Do you know what's over there? 
Welsh: No. 
Thorn: The United States of America. That would be a foreign power. A damn big one, too. 
Thatcher: We have a special relationship with the United States, Sergeant. 
Thorn: Oh sure. England and Spain get along now. But don't forget about the Spanish Armada. Think about it. If Nelson hadn't been ready, we'd all be speaking Spanish, and I have no love for romance languages!. . . You an American? 
Thatcher: Lieutenant Welsh is working with me. 
Thorn: I'll keep that in mind. Meanwhile, I've been assessing your situation and what I think you need is a boat. 
Thatcher: Exactly. Do you have one? 
Thorn: I think I might have something that fits the bill. 
Welsh [to Thatcher]: Demented. 
[submersible] 
Ray: Look, Fraser, are we under the creek without a paddle here? Are we lost? 
Fraser: No, we're not, we're not, uh - 
Ray: Just admit it, Fraser. We're lost. 
Fraser: No, we're not lost. 
Ray: Admit it. 
Fraser: All right, we're lost. 
Ray: Okay. Thank you. . . Go that way. 
Fraser: Why? 
Ray: I got a feeling. It's a hunch, it's a feeling. Go that way. 
Fraser: Yes, but there's absolutely no reason why - 
Ray: Look, Fraser, just this once. Just this once. I trust you. Every single time, every single time I got to trust you. Just once you trust me. Go that way. 
Fraser Sr.: Do it, son. 
Fraser: Yeah, but if we - 
Ray: No ifs, ands or buts. Just. . . 
Fraser Sr.: Buck Frobisher and I didn't speak for three years. Then there we were, face to face across the raging waters of the Nahanni River. Criminals bearing down on us. He had a rope; I, a grappling hook. The only route to safety was to meet in the middle. You got to trust your partner, son. Otherwise, nothing will go right. 
Fraser: That way? 
Ray: Yeah. That way. 
Fraser: All right. 
[detachment camp] 
Thorn: Attention! Suck in that gut, cadet! Shoulders back, head up. Don't look at me. What are you looking at? Don't look at me! You call this shipshape? I've seen tighter sheets in a whorehouse. No slacking off. Look around you. Attention! The man beside you may not be coming back. We're going to see some real action today. Men will bleed. We're going to see some real steaming guts before this day is over! This may be your only chance to die for your country or at least be maimed or dismembered. Don't blow it! 
[Bounty] 
Thorn: Anything? 
Recruit 1: Nothing. 
Recruit 2: Nothing on the port bow. 
Thorn: Anything? 
Recruit 3: All clear here! 
[submersible] 
Ray: What is it? 
Fraser: I think it's a vessel, but I don't think it's a freighter. Judging from its shape, its displacement, I think it's. . . Oh my God, I don't believe this, Ray. Prepare to surface. 
[Bounty] 
Recruit 3: Captain, unidentified submersible, off the port bow! 
Fraser: Ahoy, Bounty! 
Thatcher: It's Fraser! 
[interrogation room] 
Thomas: How much more of this do I have to listen to? 
Francesca: Until you cough up, spill the jellybeans, sing like a teabird, and talk like a puppet. 
Thomas: Talk like a puppet? What does that mean? 
Huey: It means that we know you were in on the robbery. 
Dewey: Illinois Lake Freight was behind it. 
Francesca: Why don't you just tell us, Johnny? Spill your guts, 'cause if you don't I'm going to keep talking to you until you're pink in the face. 
Thomas: Pink? 
Francesca: Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to broil you, baby. I'm going to give you the second degree and if you don't believe me, ask them. I can keep talking longer than an attorney. 
Dewey: Even longer. 
Francesca: So, beef butt. . . 
Thomas: All right, all right, all right! I'll talk. . . It's like you said. We did the robbery for Wallace. 
Dewey: What about the boat and sailors? 
Thomas: Ah, we blew the reserve and put the gold onto a Hercules. Flew north to a small strip in Manitoba, flying low under the radar. Hit a squall and went into Superior just off of Six Fathom Shoal. 
Francesca: Yeah? Yeah? Come on! 
Thomas: We been trying to bring it up ever since. But it's not easy. We had to make a mini Bermuda Triangle. That's where Wallace got the idea for the ghost ship. Dress up like the Robert Mackenzie, he said, and scare everybody off. 
[Bounty] 
Fraser: Thank you for the uniform, sir. 
Thorn: My pleasure, Constable. 
Fraser: The sword is a unique addition. 
Thorn: An essential modification for naval duty. 
Turnbull: Ha. Completely unacceptable. It's a violation to the uniform. Using recruits to build a boat is one thing, but tampering with the uniform, I'm sorry but I must put my foot down. 
Thatcher: Thank you. That will be enough, Constable. 
Thorn: Piss off. 
Welsh: Jack and Dewey moved in on Illinois Lake Freight. Looks like you were right. They're dumping massive quantities of toxic waste on consignment. That's how they financed the Federal Reserve job. 
Fraser: Thank you for that expository information, sir. Has there been any word from the Coast Guard? 
Welsh: Still more than 3 hours away. 
Fraser: All right, it's up to us, then. 
Ray: Fraser, why is it always up to us? 
Fraser: How quickly do you think you can get us there, sir? 
Thorn: Full sails, good wind. . . 33 minutes and 17 seconds. We have a full complement of cannons. The men have been doing gunnery drills for weeks. We're in fighting trim. Just give the word. 
Fraser: Sir, as ranking officer. . . 
Thatcher: Set the sails! 
Thorn: Set the topsail. 
Recruit: Aye-aye, sir! Set the topsail! 
Fraser Sr.: Them as what dies will be the lucky ones. 
Fraser: What are you talking about? 
Fraser Sr.: Wooden ships and iron men. Oh it's good to be back at sea again, Son. 
Fraser: You've never been at sea, Dad. 
Fraser Sr.: Well, I've been contemplating a cruise. The roll of the waves, the glare of the sun, the exhilaration of the wind, dinner with the captain, Polynesians. . . It's romance. This is romance! It's got the feel of romance about it, son. 
[Thorn/Welsh] 
Thorn: Hey, Yank. 
Welsh: What? 
Thorn: You got something of the sea about you. 
Welsh: I used to work the lake boats with my uncle. 
Thorn: I thought so. You got a good spine. 
[Ray/female recruit] 
Ray: Illinois. 
Recruit: Chicago. 
[Thatcher/Fraser] 
Thatcher: Fraser, I, uh - 
Fraser: Sir?
Thatcher: I'm glad you're alive. 
[Turnbull/recruit] 
Turnbull: Put it down to the effects of wind and sail, but let me tell you something. I find you an incredibly aggressive young man. . . 
Fraser [to Fraser Sr.]: That's very odd. It's high noon and the sun is setting. 
Fraser Sr.: Ahh, that's romance, son. 
[Wailing Yankee - bridge] 
Radar man: Sir, we've got something big moving toward us. But I can't pick up an engine. 
Wallace: Uncover the gun. Whatever it is, we'll blow it out of the water. 
[Bounty] 
Ray: Come on! I don't like this. They got a big metal ship and we got this little wooden boat. 
Thorn: We have the advantage of surprise. 
Ray: But they can see us coming. 
Fraser: Well, Ray, imagine yourself at sea. Suddenly you find yourself set upon by members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the Chicago Police Department in a vessel that is a replica of the HMS Bounty. Wouldn't you be surprised? 
Ray: It depends. 
Fraser: It depends? On what? 
Ray: On if I could see you coming. 
Thorn: The time is upon us. Inspector? 
Thatcher: Give the word, Captain. 
Thorn: Battle stations! 
[shouts] 
Thatcher: Put your back into it, Lieutenant. Seconds count when we're in combat. 
Turnbull: Gun is ready, sir. 
Thatcher: Eight seconds. Not bad, Turnbull. 
Turnbull: Thank you, sir. 
Welsh: You know how to do this? 
Thatcher: Standard training. Run it out! You never know when a ceremonial canon might 
need to be fired. 
[Wailing Yankee - bridge] 
Wallace: Come on, come on- 
Radar operator: They're right behind us, coming up hard. 
[Bounty] 
Thorn: Ready the port guns! Trim the topsail! Steady on the helm, crewman! 
Fraser: Ready? 
Ray: No, not exactly - 
Fraser: Good luck. 
Thorn: Fire when your guns bear! 
Thatcher: Fire on the peak of the roll, Lieutenant. That way you'll get a little more height. 
Thorn: Fire!. . . [exchange of gunfire] Stand by to board! 
Fraser: Now!. . . [on Wailing Yankee deck] It's Wallace. He's heading for the cargo hold. 
Ray: Right behind you. 
Fraser: Ready? 
Ray: Go! 
Thorn: Ed! Ed Iron Bottom Smithers! You still breathing? 
Captain: I'll slice the stinking slubs to gizzards, stern to sternum! I'll disassemble them like I did that Moor. . . Hey, you've gained weight. 
Sergeant: You too. Suits you. 
Welsh: Nice leg. 
Thatcher: Nice arm. 
Welsh: Big boat. 
[in hold] 
Fraser: You should lower your weapon and surrender. 
Hester: Maybe I should just feed you to the fishes. 
Fraser: Andy Calhoon oblique stroke Vic Hester, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. 
Hester: Am I missing something here? 
Fraser: Only that I have a partner that should be showing up just about now. 
Ray: Hi. 
Fraser: Thanks for coming, Ray. 
Ray: I was in the neighborhood. 
Fraser: Here's the gun. 
Ray: Why don't you carry it? 
Fraser: I don't have a permit. 
Ray: Well you don't have to shoot it, you can just carry it. 
Fraser: Oh. All right. 
Ray: Yeah, this is the one. . . 
Larry: Take your hands away from the device and stand up. 
Ray: It's me, uh, still lost. You see, I've been drinking more and looking for the commode. . . [to Fraser] You shoot a gun. Who the hell throws a gun? 
Fraser: Well, I told you, Ray, I don't have a permit. Aside from which, we're still technically in United States waters, although at the rate of drift I think we should be in Canadian waters in approximately 83 seconds. Ready? 
Wallace: You're both very clever. Unfortunately it's all for nothing. This hold is rigged with a dozen charges, and I carry the detonator. I push it, breach the hull, and you spend the rest of time in the bottom of the lake. 
Ray: You'll go down as well. 
Wallace: Maybe. Maybe not. 
Ray: I suppose you got some sort of escape pod kind of thing or something. 
Wallace: You might say that. . . You should have let this one go, Mountie. Hell, I didn't make the stuff. I'm just taking out some garbage for some lazy companies who are paying me good money. If I wouldn't have done it, somebody else would have. 
Fraser: You systematically polluted the Great Lakes for your own profit, planned a gold robbery and murdered six men in the process. In a final act of viciousness, you're going to sink a toxin-laden ship causing untold damage and destruction. For that you must face Justice. 
Wallace: I hate to tell you this, but Justice and me are never going to be great pals. I hope you enjoy your stay at the bottom of the big lake they call Gitchigoome. Me? I'm going to be in the South Pacific. 
Fraser: Possibly. But right now, my friend, you're in the Dominion of Canada. . . [to Ray] Bring up the net. . . [to Wallace] This vessel sits above the wreck of the Robert Mackenzie. Brave men lie below us in these waters, men whose names and reputations you used. This is their graveyard. You didn't think they'd let you get away with it, did you? 
[Bounty] 
Smithers: Ah, yes, it feels good to have a wooden deck beneath my feet again. Reminds me of the time I circumnavigated the globe with only the stars to guide me. . . 
Fraser Sr.: And a bottle of rum. 
Smithers: Ah, yes, of course, a bottle of rum. Always the rum. . . who. . .? 
Sergeant: Maybe we should take a swing around the lake before we go back, shell something on the American side. 
Welsh: I'll break your jaw. 
Sergeant: I'll break yours first. 
Turnbull [to cute male recruit]: . . . I always lacked discipline. How about you? Do you lack discipline? 
Thatcher: Fraser? 
Fraser: Sir. 
Thatcher: Your 10989B report. . . 
Fraser: Yes, sir. As soon as we reach port, I'll be able to fill - 
Thatcher: I don't think we need to worry about it. 
Fraser: We don't need to worry about my 10989B report, sir? 
Thatcher: Just this once. 
Fraser: Thank you, sir. 
Ray: So. . . transfer. . . you thought about it? 
Fraser: Well, it would be the logical career move. 
Ray: I know. . . That's what I think. It's what my instinct tells me. 
Fraser Sr.: Buck Frobisher and I stood across from each other on the banks of that river, and we knew, without even speaking, we knew we'd come to the same conclusion, that sometimes you just have to make a leap, son. Sometimes you just have to leap. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: For what? 
Fraser: Well, I realize that logic doesn't always work. 
Ray: I know. And I realize that going on instinct doesn't always work, either. 
Fraser: No. . . no, so. . .? 
Ray: You going to take the transfer? 
Fraser: I don't think so. You? 
Ray: Me? No. 
Fraser: All right. So we're - we're still, uh- ? 
Ray: I think.
Fraser: Okay. 
Ray: Good. 
Fraser: Right you are. 

End of Mounty on the Bounty 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dr. Longball

Huey:  You're talking to the wrong guy. 
Welsh:  Well, I gotta go and I can'd drive with my foot like this.  [to Dewey]  How about you, you look like you could use some fresh air. 
Dewey:  I hate fresh air.  Why don't you get Vecchio? 
Welsh:  Vecchio is on holiday. 
Dewey:  Oh yeah, where? 
Huey:  A a club couple's place, in uh Mexico. 
Dewey:  Vecchio, club couples?  Who with? 
Huey:  Remember that chick he busted last month for passing bad checks? 
Dewey:  Oh man, that's low.  I mean, I grovel once in a while, but to bust a chick for a date?  The man has no standards. 
Welsh:  What's going on here?  I'm talking about a day off with pay. 
Huey:  Yeah, but it's the country, lieutenant. 
Fraser:  Good morning sir, 
Welsh:  Ah, Constable.  Come here, I want to show you something.  What do you see in front of you? 
Fraser:  Photographs. 
Welsh:  That's America, that is the heartbeat of America.  White picket fences, courtyard in the square, cracker barrel in the general store.  (Walks)  And all you have to do is give me a ride up there.  I'll show you a place where they, people still care about their neighbors, where you can park you car in the street all night and it'll still be in one piece in the morning, where you smell apple pie every day. 
Fraser:  Hm, sounds like home.  Of course, we tended more towards brown lichen tarts 
Welsh: 
 
 

**Credits Roll** 
[Fraser and Welsh are stopped on the side of the road] 
Harding Welsh: He graduates from the Police Academy, he works a year in Chicago, and he comes up here to Nowheresville to take the sheriff's job. A real waste of some great training. 
Fraser: I wasn't aware you had a brother, sir. 
Harding Welsh: Anyway, he calls me an' he's freaking out. It seems there's a crime wave here in Nowheresville. I mean...uh...arson at the local factory, stores being broken into, somebody's trying to sabotage the local baseball team. Well after I stopped laughing... 
Fraser: You find it funny, sir? 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, well, after you've seen fourteen year olds killed by hypos, yeah. 
Fraser: Point taken. 
Harding Welsh: It's vandalism, y'know, bleachers collapsing...uh...somebody's poisoning the food concession - stuff like that. 
Fraser: That does sound somewhat serious, sir. 
Harding Welsh: Oh that's why we're here - we're the pros from Dover. I figure we could wrap this up maybe in an hour. [Pause] Constable - can I ask your advice? 
Fraser: My advice sir? 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, your advice. 
Fraser: If I can help... 
Harding Welsh: If you had somebody you were trying to forgive, no matter how hard you tried to forgive 'em, you just couldn't forgive 'em. What would you do? 
Fraser: Keep trying, sir. 
[Corridor outside office. Paramedics are taking injured accountant away on a gurney] 
Paramedic1: Alright let's go. 
Paramedic2: Excuse me folks, can we get through here? 
Wilson Welsh: Yeah thanks 
Paramedic1: Watch your backs! 
Huck Bogart: What the hell is going on? The players are walking off the field! 
Wilson Welsh: There's been a robbery, Huck. They got the payroll. 
Olivia: And Hector has been hurt. 
Huck Bogart: Who cares? We're ahead 6-1, we forfeit the game! 
Olivia: A man is hurt, Huck. 
Huck Bogart: He's not a man, he's an accountant! Look, we gotta find money. 2 games to 3000 and I can't win 'em by myself. 
[He leaves as the mayor enters] 
Olivia: Winston. 
Winston Cohoon: Olivia, are you alright? 
Olivia: I'd b a damn sight better if we had a sheriff with some stones! 
Wilson Welsh: Hey! 
Winston Cohoon: I'm going to do something about that, Olivia. 
Wilson Welsh: Thank you for your support, Mr. Mayor. 
Winston Cohoon: Look, I've done everything I can for you, Welsh, but nobody's gonna stand for this anymore. We already lost Johanson's lumber mill to arson, that department store closed after that last robbery. What the hell do you expect me to do? Keep you on, 'til every business we have is run out of town? 
Wilson Welsh: I told you, I've called for outside help. Experts in the field. 
Winston Cohoon: Yeah. 
[Back to car by roadside] 
Harding Welsh: An' your dogs got the bladder the size of a Zeppelin. 
Fraser: Salty food. I can't seem to keep him away from it. 
[Fraser notices a suspicious looking van] 
Harding Welsh: You see something? 
[At the van, some men are unloading money into a car. They are armed. Fraser appears beside one] 
Fraser: How do you do? 
[He disarms the man. Another man takes aim at Fraser, and Diefenbaker pushes Fraser out of the way just as the bullet was about to take his head off. The car takes off. One man who was left behind is brought down by Welsh] 
Harding Welsh: Hello! 
[The man begins bawling] 
Harding Welsh: You get a number? 
Fraser: Yes I did. 
[Sheriff's office. Wilson Welsh is on the phone] 
Wilson Welsh: Mm hmm they were heading east out of town - not that that means anything. Yeah, just have your troopers keep an eye out for me Walt. Thank you. 
[Harding Welsh enters] 
Wilson Welsh: Harding. 
Harding Welsh: Wilson. 
Wilson Welsh: What happened to your foot? 
Harding Welsh: Ah a junkie. Chicago. 
Wilson Welsh: What happened to the junkie? 
Harding Welsh: Well they had to wire his jaw. 
Wilson Welsh: Gum? 
Harding Welsh: Sure. So these are your headquarters, huh? 
Wilson Welsh: Yeah, just like the city only smaller. Uh...Bernie. Get on out in the truck, stop on the interstate will you? See if anybody saw anything. 
Bernie: You got it chief. 
[Bernie leaves, and she looks remarkably like Frannie] 
Harding Welsh: Hey, who's that? She's... 
Wilson Welsh: Deputy - like a detective y'know, just like the city. 
[*Knock* Fraser enters] 
Fraser: Gentlemen. 
Harding Welsh: Here it is. The stadium payroll. 
Fraser: And I imagine you'll be wanting to speak with this fellow. 
Harding Welsh: The other two got away but we got a good look at them. 
Wilson Welsh: Rusty Barnstead. What have you got yourself into this time? 
Rusty Barnstead: * sobs * 
Harding Welsh: You know this guy? 
Rusty Barnstead: [while sobbing] I'm sorry sheriff. I...I... 
[In the cell area] 
Harding Welsh: He gonna stop crying? 
Wilson Welsh: He's upset. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, he wasn't upset when he cracked that guy's skull in. 
Wilson Welsh: Can I talk to you for a minute? 
[Outside the cells] 
Wilson Welsh: I walked Rusty to school on his very first day, okay? Y'know I live with these people, it's a community. You can't come here and terrorize them! 
Harding Welsh: You called me for help. 
Wilson Welsh: And I want your help, but this is Willison. It's not Chicago, you gotta respect that. 
Harding Welsh: You called me to help with your job, okay? I got my methods. 
If you can live with them - fine, I'll help you out. If not - I'm outta here. 
Wilson Welsh: You just haven't outgrown it have you? 
Harding Welsh: What's that? 
Wilson Welsh: Competing with me. 
Harding Welsh: Competing for what? 
Wilson Welsh: Everything. For... for Susie Delesson. For who's gonna be quarterback on the football team. For who can sit on the railroad tracks the longest. 
Harding Welsh: Oh I always could stay the longest. 
Wilson Welsh: For Dad's approval. 
Harding Welsh: I never needed his approval. 
Wilson Welsh: Oh no? 
Harding Welsh: No. Let me tell you something. How could I possibly compete with all of this? 
Wilson Welsh: I was hoping for more that that, y'know. I was....I was hoping that.... 
[He spies Fraser in the doorway] 
Wilson Welsh: Forget it. 
Fraser: It turns out that Rusty met the other two men in a bar three days before the robbery, and they were looking for a driver who was familiar with the area so I think we can assume that they were from out of town. I have taken the liberty of removing his belt, his laces, and his wristwatch and I also took the liberty of placing him into holding cell number 1. And I would respectfully suggest that we get over to the stadium as quickly as possible. 
[He leaves. Wilson looks astounded] 
Harding Welsh: He's Canadian. 
Wilson Welsh: Oh. 
[In the locker room. The players are present, so is Woody the team mascot. Huck is furious.] 
Huck Bogart: Someone is trying to screw me, plain and simple! [He throws something] How many wins did Sour Peaggio have? 
Woody: 2973. 
Huck Bogart: That's right! [Throws something else] And Jack McDonna? 
Woody: 2999. 
Huck Bogart: That's right! [Throws something else] Did anybody ever go 3000? 
Woody: No boss. 
Huck Bogart: That's right! Nobody - because that record is mine. Mine! 
[The players look petrified and leave] 
Huck Bogart: Look - now my players are walking out. Well get thee running! 
[To Woody] Get me a coffee. 
Woody: What? 
Huck Bogart: Coffee! Please? 
Woody: As you wish sir. 
[As he goes to leave, Diefenbaker enters barking swiftly followed by Fraser and the Welsh brothers] 
Huck Bogart: What the hell is that? 
Fraser: Terribly sorry sir, his name is Diefenbaker - he's half wolf. Well, as a pup he was mauled by a wolverine with a goiter. I can only assume that...well I think it's the outfit the mascot is wearing seems to have made him relive the event. 
Huck Bogart: And who the hell are you? 
Wilson Welsh: Huck, this is Lt. Harding Welsh of the Chicago Police Department and this in Constable Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. He first came to Illinois on the trail of his father's killer and 
for a number of interesting reasons has stayed... 
Fraser: Attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate. 
Huck Bogart: You're kidding me. 
Fraser: No sir, I'm not. 
Huck Bogart: Welsh. You any relation to him? 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, I'm his brother. 
Huck Bogart: Hope you're not as thick as he is cause if you are we should just start walking backwards now. 
Harding Welsh: You keep talking mulch mouth... 
Fraser: Sir please - this is a community. 
Wilson Welsh: Thank you. 
Fraser: Mr. Bogart, if what I overheard is accurate you believe that the attacks on the team are directed at you personally? Do you have any reason for this? 
Huck Bogart: Yeah I got a reason. [Takes a note out of his hat] This was on my desk this morning. 
Fraser: [Reads from the note] You'll never reach 3000. 
Huck Bogart: Two games left to 3000, and now I got no team! 
[Outside the stadium the players are leaving] 
Olivia: Fellas - can I talk to you for a minute? Please - just for a minute. Thank you. Look, I understand how you feel. You hired on here to play baseball, not to be a part of some nightmare sideshow, I understand that. My late husband loved this ball team and his last wish when he was dying was that we win the pennant. And I promised him we would. Now obviously that's not gonna happen this year, but there's always the future, right? So I'm begging ya - stick with me, please. Two more games. Finish the season. Cause I have a feeling next year is gonna be our year. 
Player: Sing us another tune sweetheart. 
[The players leave] 
Wilson Welsh: [To Olivia] Look, we recovered the money. It's in the office. 
Olivia: Fellas! One more thing. Your payroll - it's in the office. 
All: Yeah! 
[Huck talks to one of the players, Kelly Olsen] 
Huck Bogart: Son I need to talk to you in the locker room. 
Kelly Olsen: Sure thing skipper. 
[They go inside] 
Kelly Olsen: You can't sit me down! 
Huck Bogart: Put yourself in my position. Y'got two games left to break the record and the guy on first is hitting 189. What would you do? You put in Constantino. 
Kelly Olsen: You miserable bastard. You know there's a scout from the Yankees coming to look at me! 
Huck Bogart: Okay, you wanna play hardball, let me show you how to play hardball. They don't have to see you play to know that you're an over the hill lump who's hitting twenty points below his own bodyweight. Them's the breaks. That's baseball. 
[Outside] 
Harding Welsh: Fraser, I gotta get off this foot. 
Wilson Welsh: We can go out to my spread 
[Wilson's place - a caravan] 
Fraser: It's a beautiful setting for a spread. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah. Nice spread. 
[Diefenbaker is sniffing some rubber flamingos] 
Fraser: Leave them! He has a phobia about pink flamingos. 
[They go inside] 
Fraser: Very nice. Beautiful woodwork. 
Harding Welsh: It's a little small. 
Wilson Welsh: Well I... uh... I got plans to build something y'know but uh.....what you got a big place in Chicago? 
Harding Welsh: No. Nah, just about the same size. 
Wilson Welsh: Well..uh.. I'll get the mug book. 
Fraser: [Looking at photo on wall] Is this your father sir? 
Harding Welsh: Yeah 
Fraser: He looks very proud. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah it was the proudest day of his life - when Wilson graduated from the police academy. When I graduated he couldn't make it. 
Wilson Welsh: He was sick that day. 
Harding Welsh: If there was a two-for-one sale at the liquor store he would've been there on a stretcher. 
Wilson Welsh: C'mon Harding. Give him a break, huh? He's an old man now. He's broken down, he's sick. Just let it go. 
Harding Welsh: I let him go a long time ago.
Wilson Welsh: Here's the mug book. 
Harding Welsh: Mug book? This is a mug page. You got a crime wave going here and you got no criminals? 
Wilson Welsh: Got no criminals cause I done a damn good job here the last twenty years. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah well maybe me an Fraser go back to Chicago and let you handle it by yourself. 
Wilson Welsh: Constable do you... 
Fraser: [Obviously very uncomfortable] No not at all [He leaves] 
Wilson Welsh: Now look. I'm two years from retirement. I'm about to lose my job. I don't mind telling you it scares the hell outta me. I thought you might wanna help, but if all you wanna do is make fun of what a small-town loser I am - well then why don't you go on back to your big-time cop shop. I'm going for a walk. 
[He leaves and Fraser re-enters] 
Fraser: Sir, I've been thinking. 
Harding Welsh: This better have something to do with baseball. 
Fraser: Oh, of course. It occurs to me that since this is a small town and news travels fast that our presence here is likely known. I think we should consider the introduction of a third party unknown to the town who could infiltrate the clubhouse and report to us from the inside. 
Harding Welsh: And that would be...? 
[ Roadside. The camera pans up from a pair of well-worn boots, blue jeans, a poncho, and finally to Ray Kowalski's face which is looking dead cool. Cut to inside a car.] 
Fraser: Your name will be Ace Leary. 
Ray: Man I've gone to some lengths to ditch a date but this is new. 
Fraser: The relationship didn't work then? 
Ray: Well then plane barely touched down in Acapulco and she took off with this guy who was selling ponchos on the street. 
Fraser: Oh. So you didn't get the girl then. 
Ray: Nah. Got this poncho. 
Fraser: It's very fetching. 
Ray: You realize I haven't swung a bat in years, Fraser. 
Fraser: You used to work out with the Cubs, didn't you? 
Ray: Yeah, but that was a long time ago. 
Fraser: Well they're only looking for someone who can hit 380. 
Ray: 380? 
Fraser: Mm hmm. 
Ray: They think I can hit 380? 
Fraser: Mm hmm. 
Ray: I'm dead. 
Fraser: Oh no. You can do it. It's sort of like riding a bicycle, you never really forget, do you? 
Ray: Look, I was exaggerating Fraser, I was embellishing. Haven't you ever exaggerated or embellished? 
Fraser: No. And in any case it's only for a couple of games. The main thing is that you find the saboteur. And if you really don't want to play I'm sure the manager will come up with some excuse to keep you on the bench. 
Ray: What are you saying? That I can't cut it? I...I can cut it. 
[In locker room] 
Player: Name's Bubba Dean. Welcome to the funhouse. 
[He slaps Ray on the butt. Ray looks worried. Ray begins undressing.] 
Constantino: So - you're the hotshot from the great white North, eh? Where'd you play? 
Ray: Uh...uh...Moosejaw. 
Constantino: Huck says you've been hitting 380. What do they throw down there anyway? Curve balls, sliders, fast balls, fork balls, hmmm? 
Ray: Hah! Mostly... uh...snowballs. 
Constantino: Well down here they throw heaves. 
[He leaves. Ray bends down to remove his underpants, and as he does so, he sees a pair of feet. Looking up, he sees they belong to a woman who looks uncannily like Thatcher.] 
Toni Lake: Ace Leary? 
Ray: Um.. 
Toni Lake: Toni Lake. Action sports. [To camera] Ace Leary. Somewhat of a mystery man signed out of the Canadian league. Ace, are you concerned at all about fitting in with this new league so late in the season? 
Ray: Uh...I just want to go out there and help the team in any way I can. Look, can I put some clothes on for this? 
Toni Lake: Don't worry sweetheart. Unless you Canadians have something I haven't already seen. 
Ray: Uh...Y'know I'm gonna take it ...uh....y'know game by game and go out there and do my best and try not to play with myself. I....I mean, play within myself. 
[Switch to corridor outside Olivia's office. Fraser is about to knock but hears...] 
Olivia: There's a lot of towns out there who'd love to have the Hawkeyes. 
Winston Cohoon: Olivia, let's be honest. The team is practically bankrupt. I'm just trying to bail you out and give the town a boost at the same time. 
Olivia: No you're not. You're trying to screw me. Well go ahead, Buster.... 
* knock * 
Olivia: Come in. Constable Fraser, what a nice surprise. 
Fraser: Ma'am 
Olivia: Oh, this is Winston Cohoon, our Mayor. 
Fraser: Ah, pleased to meet you sir. 
Winston Cohoon: Nice to meet you. 
Olivia: The Mayor and I were just discussing a business transaction. 
Fraser: So I heard. 
Olivia: Oh. Well, y'know - small towns. We know everybody. We can speak frankly. 
Fraser: This is true. Although you know, I have heard young ladies on the streets of Chicago discussing business deals in very similar terms. 
Winston Cohoon: Don't tell me. Let me guess. You're from Canada. 
Fraser: Why yes sir, I am. 
Winston Cohoon: I love it up there. As a matter of fact the counsel and I were just talking about the possibility of setting up a cultural exchange with...er....Medicine Jaw. 
Fraser: Medicine Hat? 
Winston Cohoon: Yeah, that's the place. Uh...we could send them a couple of blocks of Illinois cheese and they could send us some...uh...beaver meat or something in return. 
Diefenbaker: * growl * 
Fraser: Oh I'm sorry. Diefenbaker feels a particular kinship with the beaver. It's as if we were discussing, well, eating a member of the family. 
Winston Cohoon: I see. 
Olivia: Constable Fraser is here with a team of Chicago detectives. 
Winston Cohoon: Oh you're the pros that Welsh brought down. 
Fraser: That is correct, yes. 
Winston Cohoon: How's it going? 
Fraser: We have some very good leads and we're confident that we will be able to apprehend the men who stole the payroll. 
Winston Cohoon: Good, its about time we got some decent police work in this town and glad to meet ya. Oh hey, listen...uh...you want a block of cheese - you just call my office. 
Fraser: Oh thank you kindly. Y'know oddly, I have been thinking about cheese lately. 
Winston Cohoon: Yeah [He leaves] 
Olivia: So. You are gonna put a stop to this, aren't you? 
Fraser: Well, we are trying our best Ma'am. Do you mind if I ask you a question? 
Olivia: Shoot. 
Fraser: You are considering selling the team? 
Olivia: Well, I'm...uh...I'm in negotiation. 
[The ball park. Constantino is practicing with the pitching machine.] 
Huck Bogart: My mothers got a better swing than that. She's been dead twenty years! 
[The pitching machine goes crazy.] 
Constantino: Aaargh! 
[A ball hits him. Huck and Ray run to help. Fraser is walking by.] 
Ray: Red! Red! Shut it off! Shut it off! Switch on the side! Switch on the side of the machine! 
[Fraser pulls out the plug.] 
Ray: Or you could do it that way. 
Constantino: I think my arm's broken. 
Huck Bogart: Hey birdbrain. You got ten dollars? 
Woody: Sure Huck. 
Huck Bogart: Alright. Call a cab and get Rome to the hospital. What the hell happened? 
Ray: Uh... someone must've been screwing with the machine. 
Huck Bogart: You're kidding me. Would that be what made the pitching machine change into a gallon gun? 
Ray: What is that? 
Fraser: That's sarcasm, Ace. 
Ray: That's what I thought. 
Fraser: It would appear that there's a crucial gear missing. 
Huck Bogart: There's gonna be some heads missing some gears too, I don't find out who did this. Woody. You were in early. Who did this? 
Woody: It was fine this morning, Huck. Domingo, Constantino and Anderson all took BP. 
Huck Bogart: Olsen! 
Kelly Olsen: Yes skipper? 
Huck Bogart: You're back in the lineout. Let's see if you can remember how to hit a baseball. 
Constantino: You. You did this to me, huh? 
Kelly Olsen: What the hell for? 
Constantino: Get your place back in the lineout. 
Kelly Olsen: You're full of crap, Constantino. 
Huck Bogart: Boys, boys. We got work to do. 
Ray: [Aside to Fraser] You like Olsen for this? 
Fraser: Well he does seem to have motive, although I fail to see how he could have predicted that the injury would fall to Constantino. 
Ray: Timing. Constantino was first up after lunch. Everybody knew that. 
[Sheriff's office.] 
Harding Welsh: So what've you been doing? 
Wilson Welsh: I have been talking to people. 
Harding Welsh: You get information that way? 
Wilson Welsh: Usually. 
Harding Welsh: Oh. What'd you get this time? 
Wilson Welsh: Not much. 
Harding Welsh: Well I picked up a phone with a certain tone of voice, and my guy on the other end jumped. Turns out that Grey cape car was stolen in Chicago the night before the robbery. We found it on the South side this morning. Now, I got the mug books coming over. These guys were pros, they might be in the system. That's what I've been doing. 
[Locker room. Ray is investigating Olsen's locker. Woody comes in.] 
Woody: You looking for something? 
[Ray stuffs his find inside his shirt] 
Ray: Uh....all these lockers, they...uh...look the same. 
Woody: Yeah. That's probably why Kelly has that bigass picture of himself on his. 
Ray: Oh yeah. 
[Outside the stadium] 
Ray: This is the gear, right? 
Fraser: Yes, it is. It's odd he would leave it in his locker though. 
Ray: Well, so he's a doofus. Olsen's still gotta be our man. 
Wilson Welsh: Y'know, I've known Kelly a long time. He's done a lot of good for the town, y'know - always been there for charity work. 
Harding Welsh: So what are you saying. A guy does charity he can't have a little ambition? 
Wilson Welsh: No, but I don't think he'd hurt anybody. 
Harding Welsh: Well then we'll eliminate him as a suspect, alright? 
Wilson Welsh: Look, all I'm saying is that I think we ought to move slowly, y'know he's a very popular guy in the community. 
Harding Welsh: Alright, but the way I work it is you have motive and means, you have some evidence, you pick the guy up. Now what's it gonna be? 
Wilson Welsh: We'll pick him up. 
[Olivia's office] 
Huck Bogart: How the hell am I supposed to win the game? Olsen's not much, but he's all I got and you got him sitting in a cell! 
Wilson Welsh: That's where you go when you break the law, Huck. 
Huck Bogart: C'mon! It was a prank. 
Fraser: It was a prank that could have resulted in someone's death. 
Huck Bogart: You grow up in a public service announcement? Olsen didn't get to the clubhouse until five minutes before practice. No way he could've fixed that machine. 
Harding Welsh: Can he prove it? 
Olivia: He was with me all morning. 
Huck Bogart & Wilson Welsh: Doing what? 
Olivia: Contract negotiations. 
Winston Cohoon: Are you seriously suggesting that Kelly Olsen is responsible for all this sabotage? 
Wilson Welsh: Uh... 
Huck Bogart: He's got an alibi. Let him play ball! 
Wilson Welsh: Y'know, I...I think. I mean... 
Harding Welsh: He had motive. He had opportunity. He goes in front of the judge. 
Winston Cohoon: Wilson? 
Wilson Welsh: He goes in front of the judge. 
Winston Cohoon: Welsh. If you continue to hold this man, I'll have your badge. 
Wilson Welsh: Well you'll have my badge then. 
[Sheriff's office] 
Wilson Welsh: The shots from Chicago. 
Fraser: Assuming that Kelly's alibi holds up, we can conclude that he was framed, and it's likely that whoever framed him is behind the other acts of sabotage. Shall we? [He gestures to the mug books] 
Harding Welsh: Oh that's one of them right here. Alvin Kapinkis. You gotta fax machine? 
[Cut to Huey and Dewy sitting in a car with the picture] 
Dewy: Heads up. That's him. 
Huey: Whatd'ya know. Dacapo. Very nice. 
[They leave the car to go arrest the suspects] 
Dewy: Y'know what the real cause of air pollution is? 
Huey: What's that? 
Dewy: Not cars. Lawnmowers. 
[Dewy is nearly hit by a car] 
Driver: Hey! Watch where you're going, jerk! 
[They reach the suspects] 
Huey: Don't move! 
Dewy: How do you do? Huh? 
Huey: Get out of the car. Get out! 
Dewy: You got a permit for this? 
Kapinkis: Yeah I do. 
Huey: Power mowers? 
[In Winston Welsh's car] 
* Phone rings * 
Wilson Welsh: Sheriff Welsh. 
Dewy: May I speak with Lt. Welsh, please? 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, go ahead Detective. 
Dewy: Lt. We got Kapinkis and his buddy, Bobby Laterno, and...uh...one of them was carrying a phone number written on a coaster from the Chiltingham hotel in Chicago, but the number is in your area code. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah? 
Dewy: It's a payphone at the Willison ballpark. 
Fraser: Is it 555-0104? 
Dewy: Yeah. 
Fraser: It's the...uh...phone in the concourse outside Olivia's office. I have a head for figures. 
Wilson Welsh: It's Olivia. 
Fraser: Does she have a motive? 
Wilson Welsh: Yeah, I think I can come up with one. 
Harding Welsh: * laughs * 
Wilson Welsh: What? 
Harding Welsh: Oh Wilson. You are so needy around women. 
Wilson Welsh: It's just that Olivia and I .... 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, yeah. I rest my case. 
[Outside the ballpark. Hector Proule is there with a bandage on his head] 
Harding Welsh: Ah, Mr. Proule. You're working today? You must be feeling better. 
Herbert Proule: Got plenty to do, so I thought I might as well come in and work as lie in bed and worry about it. 
Wilson Welsh: Where's Olivia? 
Herbert Proule: Chicago. 
Fraser: You know when she'll be back? 
Herbert Proule: No, she never tells me. Keeps a suite in the Chiltingham, though. You could try her there. 
Ray: * shouts * Fraser. Fraser! 
[On the baseball field, the players are warming up] 
Commentator: And as the Hawkeyes take the field fans, let me remind you about Sunday's cheese sculpting contest, and.... 
Ray: They're gonna play me, Fraser. They're gonna put me in the game. 
Fraser: Oh Ray, you can do this. It'll be just like that time you worked out with the Cubs. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, that was a fantasy game. 
Fraser: I don't understand. 
Ray: Look, you pay a thousand dollars, you go down to Florida with the heavy equipment salesman with the big gut, and the mutual fund guy... 
Fraser: Ray. Ray. 
Ray: ...with the socks and the sandals... 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: ...the guy had no muscles, the guy had like tubes for arms... 
Fraser: Ray! 
Ray: ...so the guy with the big gut and the socks and sandals... 
Fraser: Ray! Ray, Ray, Ray! Ssssh! Alright, now. Just keep your eye on the ball. Keep the ball in front of you, keep your glove in front of the ball. You relax. You let muscle-memory take over, and above all you must try not to think. 
Ray: Yeah, not thinking, that's what got me into this. Hey, y'know what they call third base? 
Fraser: The hot plate? 
Ray: No, the hot corner. You know why they call it that? 
Fraser: I've no idea. 
Ray: Well neither do I, but it does not sound good. 
[Ray turns to go] 
Fraser: Ray! 
[Ray turns and Fraser throws him his glove. He drops it.] 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
[Two old men, looking remarkably similar to Huey and Dewy walk along the stands.] 
Dewy: Have they got a first base? 
Huey: Certainly. 
Dewy: Alright. What's his name? 
Huey: Who? 
Dewy: The first base, man. What's his name? 
Huey: Certainly. 
Dewy: Sheriff Welsh. 
Huey: Howdy Sheriff. 
[They pass the Welsh brothers sitting on the stands.] 
Wilson Welsh: Hey, you remember how Dad used to take us to the Cubs games? 
Harding Welsh: Yeah, I remember he used to drop us off at the gate and give the ushers a few dollars to look after us. Then he'd come back and pick us up at the end of the game and...uh...drive home hammered out of his mind. 
Wilson Welsh: I don't remember that. 
Harding Welsh: You don't want to remember that. 
Wilson Welsh: Look, I know he was a lousy father, and he treated us hard. 
Harding Welsh: Hard on you? There was nothing I could do to please that guy. Every other day he was telling me how you were his only real son. 
Wilson Welsh: And every other day he told me how you were his only real son. You gotta forgive him, Harding. 
Harding Welsh: I don't know what you're talking about. 
Wilson Welsh: I think you do. 
[Wilson notices a car drive into the parking lot] 
Wilson Welsh: It's Olivia. 
Harding Welsh: Well, lets get it on. 
Wilson Welsh: Hold on. I owe her this. I'm gonna bring her in myself. I know how to handle her. 
[Olivia's office] 
*knock * 
Wilson Welsh: I hear you're thinking of selling? 
Olivia: That's none of your business. 
Wilson Welsh: Well what, you...you stuck for the lease on the stadium, huh? Is that why you're sabotaging your own team? 
Olivia: What do you want? 
Wilson Welsh: Or maybe you're trying to cash in on the forcemerger clause on your insurance policy. 
[Harding Welsh enters] 
Harding Welsh: Alright. We got out confession yet? 
Wilson Welsh: Do you mind? 
Olivia: Is that your brother? 
Wilson Welsh: Harding, Olivia. 
Olivia: Boy, your parents must have been wading in the shallow end of the gene pool. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah well, it's still way uptown from the tree you fell out of. 
Wilson Welsh: Hey, hey. 
Olivia: Do you have any proof? Or evidence? Or any of those legal kinds of things that usually go with these conversations, Wilson? Or did you just want to see me again lover? Look, I don't have a lease on the stadium. My late moron of a husband bought the thing. I own it. So now I have to sell the team with the stadium, or I'm gonna be stuck with a chunk of property that's not worth a bucket of warm spit! So listen, you fellas wanna talk to me, you know where to find me. 
[Back on the field] 
Commentator: And the Hawkeyes are just 1 out away from victory.... 
Fraser: [To a group of girls] Well, actually he's half wolf.... 
Commentator: If they can hang on here, then tomorrow Huck Bogart will hit that magic 3000 mark. But right now they gotta get through the meat of the Corrington order. And Ace Leary may be about to find out why they call it the hot corner. 
Ray: Fraser! Y'hear that? It's called the hot corner! 
Huck Bogart: Leary! [motions for him to move closer to third base] The other way dude! 
[ Ray, who had been shifting back and away from third, reluctantly moves closer to the bag.] 
[In the stands] 
* Harding Welsh's phone rings * 
Harding Welsh: Yeah. 
Dewy: Lt. Turns out this Laterno guy has an alias. He also goes by the name of Donny Proule. 
Harding Welsh: The book-keeper. 
Dewy: Is his uncle. 
[Out on the field, Ray is on third base, muttering to himself. The batter hits the ball straight at Ray, who falls over while stopping the ball from hitting him in the face. The crowd cheers and Ray realizes he has caught it.] 
Huck Bogart: I'm a damn genius. 
Harding Welsh: Ah...we're never gonna hear the end of this. 
[In the office] 
Herbert Proule: I wasn't gambling. I swear to God I wasn't. 
Wilson Welsh: We trust you Hector, okay? We know you're a compulsive gambler, but I know that you are a scrupulously honest book-keeper. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah right. Telephone company records for that payphone outside your office lists 200 calls to a certain bookie in New Jersey. How do you explain those calls? 
Herbert Proule: I can't. Unless...unless someone wanted to frame me for the robbery. Hire my good-for-nothing nephew and make it look like I was taking the money. 
Harding Welsh: Yeah right. The simple thing is you did it. 
Fraser: I think there's a problem with that Lt. 
Harding Welsh: And what's that? 
Fraser: Well, he may have committed the robbery in order to cover his tracks, that is, if was embezzling from the team, but he had absolutely no motive for committing the other acts of vandalism. 
Harding Welsh: That may be a separate thing. 
Fraser: Possibly, although I do think that all the crimes are related, and that they revolve around the sale of this team and of the stadium.  Furthermore, they all same to share a certain pattern, or what you would call an MO. 
Harding Welsh: What's that? 
Wilson Welsh: Modus operandi. 
Fraser: Exactly. In each scenario we have a plausible suspect, and ample evidence to point to them. 
Wilson Welsh: So it's gotta be someone on the inside. 
Fraser: Someone who can move about inconspicuously. 
[Sheriff's office] 
Woody: * crying * Oh man. 
Harding Welsh: We know it's you. Now why'd you do it? 
Woody: Huck. Well you saw how he treats me. 
Harding Welsh: Big deal. You wouldn't be the first guy who worked twice as hard to get noticed half as much. Get over it. 
Woody: He stole Olivia. 
Wilson Welsh: You and Olivia? Huck and Olivia? Kelly and Olivia? 
[Rusty begins crying in the cells] 
Wilson Welsh: [Horrified] He's just a kid! 
Harding Welsh: So you did it for revenge? 
Woody: No, that was just the icing. I was getting paid. 
[Stadium - the final game of the season] 
Commentator: Well, here we have it folks - the final game of the season. Now just a reminder to all the fans here at the stadium, please remain seated after the game for the big fireworks display. Now, please won't you join me and rise for the national anthem, sung by our very own Toni Lake! 
[Outside the stadium] 
Fraser: Okay, lets have a look at your stance. 
Ray: Okay. Ooookay. 
[Ray attempts a stance] 
Fraser: Okay. Um...Ray, you are a pole hitter, so you need to close up your stance. You lay off anything that's away. You make 'em come to you, wait 'til it's in your real house - high and in. And you have to protect the plate so lean forward..........lower body forward. Uh....that'll do. You ready? 
[Fraser pitches. The ball flies past Ray and through the board behind him. He swings wildly after it has passed him.] 
Ray: What on God's earth was that, Fraser? 
Fraser: A tuck fast ball I believe they call it. Ray, this time, don't even try to hit the ball. Just watch it as it comes in, and try to count the rotations of the seams as they come towards you. 
Ray: Count the rotations of the seams. Fraser, I can't even see it, it's a blur. 
Fraser: Oh sure you can. 
Diefenbaker: * woof woof * 
Fraser: What are you talking about, it was a strike on the corner. 
Diefenbaker: * woof * 
Fraser: Oh great, blind and deaf. 
[Inside the stadium, the national anthem finishes.] 
Commentator: Good, deep, and it is outta here! Oh you gotta be feeling for manager Huck Bogart. As the Hawkeyes come to bat on the bottom of the ninth trailing six to three with the bottom part of the order... 
[Fraser and the Welsh brothers make their way across the stands.] 
Harding Welsh: Move. 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Harding Welsh: Move. 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Harding Welsh: Move. 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Harding Welsh: Move. 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
[They sit down next to the Mayor.] 
Winston Cohoon: Welsh, you...uh.. getting ready for retirement? 
Wilson Welsh: I don't think so Mayor. 
Winston Cohoon: Always better to plan ahead, Winston. 
Fraser: As you did, Sir. 
Harding Welsh: We've been checking up on your land deals, Mr. Mayor. Seems you've picked up that burnt out lumber mill, the warehouse, and the store. 
Winston Cohoon: I bought the worthless properties to help out some friends. 
Fraser: Worthless property that coincidentally adjoins the land this stadium sits on. 
Wilson Welsh: Which you're also trying to buy. 
Winston Cohoon: What are you saying? 
Fraser: Well, essentially that as Mayor you had access to information that makes this parcel of land extremely valuable. And that you resorted to criminal activity in order to acquire it. Now we're spoken to Woody. 
Winston Cohoon: I don't have to listen to this! [He leaves] 
Harding Welsh: I think that would be a confession. 
Fraser: Well, I'm not sure it would stand up technically in a court of law Sir, but I think in substance we can certainly ... 
Wilson Welsh: Guys? [Gestures to the fleeing Mayor] 
Fraser: Oh. Understood. 
Commentator: Bubba Dean, with three strike outs on the night steps in. 
Huck Bogart: C'mon Bubba. C'mon boy! 
Commentator: Baldiney looks in for the sign. And in the wind up kicks and deals. 
[The ball hits Bubba Dean on the back. He runs it] 
Commentator: Holy Jo Dean, that was a high hard one. 
Huck Bogart: See, that's I mean by taking one for the team. Way to go Bubba! 
Commentator: I guess the Hawkeyes'll take base runners any way they can get'em here at this point. They've loaded the bases with 2 out down, six to three in the bottom of the ninth. And I guess you could say the pressure is on mystery man Ace Leary, as he makes his way to the plate. 
[The crowd chants 'Ace! Ace! Ace!'] 
Huck Bogart: Ace! Go get 'em boy! 
[Fraser is in pursuit of the Mayor. Meanwhile, Ray approaches the plate.] 
Winston Cohoon: Alright, hold it![He has a gun] 
Fraser: Just how do you plan to get away with this? 
Winston Cohoon: You. You're my ticket outta here. 
[He throws his cigar, which lands on a piece of paper outside a shed.] 
Commentator: Leary steps back in, goes into that unorthodox stance. Baldiney looks in, winds and delivers. 
[Ray doesn't move - he is frozen to the spot] 
Umpire: Strike 1! 
Huck Bogart: Strike? Are you out of your mind? 
[Back to the Mayor, Harding Welsh arrives on the scene.] 
Winston Cohoon: Well, well. Two for the price of one. Now the three of us, we're gonna leave. 
Harding Welsh: How did you ever get elected Mayor? 
[Winston appears from nowhere, jumps on Cohoon and disarms him.] 
Wilson Welsh: You never got my vote. 
Harding Welsh: Nice shot, bro. 
Wilson Welsh: Thanks. 
[From afar, the commentator can be heard saying "High and in, and it's ball three."] 
Harding Welsh: Y'know, I am trying. 
Wilson Welsh: Yeah. I know. 
Ray: Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. Count the seams. 
Commentator: The season comes down to this. Man against man. A dream on the line. 
[The ball is pitched. Ray swings and hits it. Everyone watches it rise into the air. It hits the top of the scoreboard, and just bounces over the boundary. The crowd goes wild and Ray sets out on his home run. The cigar had ignited the paper, and the fireworks are set off as Ray is chaired off the pitch.] 
[Squadroom. Ray is watching the re-run of his performance. Everyone looks bored of it.] 
Ray: Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look how I'm getting that really good extension. How I'm seeing the ball. How I'm seeing the ball really good. Like I'm....actually, I am the ball. Look at that. 
[Winston Welsh enters carrying a gift] 
Wilson Welsh: Gotta go. 
Harding Welsh: I'm only staying five minutes. 
Wilson Welsh: That's fine. How's the foot? 
Harding Welsh: Good, good. That's the last time I kick a wastepaper basket. 
Wilson Welsh: I thought it was a junkie. 
Harding Welsh: Well, that sounded better. What's in the package? 
Wilson Welsh: A two speed, reversible, cordless weed whacker. 
Harding Welsh: See, that's what I'm talking about. Dad's been in that building drinking for 25 years. The last time he saw grass was on the US open on the SBN. What was it last year, a power sander, right? 
Wilson Welsh: A power sander. 
Harding Welsh: You're in denial! 
Wilson Welsh: I am not. 
Harding Welsh: You are. 
Wilson Welsh: I am not. 
Fraser: Excuse me, Sir. I'm sure it's a wonderful gift. Although, as a rule, I'm not sure it's a great idea to give power tools to alcoholics. 
Wilson Welsh: True enough. 
Fraser: [To Harding Welsh] Sir, if I may. Y'know, he is your father, he's your only father. There are probably sides to him that you don't know about. I only say this because I had a father, my only father and well, my advice to you is not to wait until he's dead to discover those sides. It tends to be somewhat disorienting. 
Harding Welsh: Constable. 
Fraser: Yes sir? 
Harding Welsh: Giving advice to your elders is.... 
Fraser: Unbecoming? 
Harding Welsh: Unbecoming. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: Okay, who wants to see it again? 
[There is a chorus of groans. Diefenbaker barks.] 
Ray: Oh you gotta love this wolf. Okay, check out the stance.... 

End of Dr. Longball
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Easy Money 

[Scene is the Power Building in Chicago. Fraser and another man, Quinn are looking at a large photo of some mountains in Canada in the foyer] 
Fraser: No I'm, I'm quite certain. 
Quinn: Oh, I don't think so. 
Fraser: No, I'm certain. 
Quinn: Look at that rock. 
Fraser: Which, the one shaped like a wolverine? 
Quinn: It's not a wolverine it's a... otter 
Fraser: So it is. Well, nevertheless it is here [points] that we saw the three-legged cougar. 
Quinn: No. It's here [points] we saw the cougar. Here [points to where Fraser was pointing] is where Lipros Mullkaye (??) got his mouth frozen to the side of the portable toilet. 
Fraser: So it is (laughs) Been a while. 
Quinn: Yeah. Good times (laughs) That's..... 
Fraser: That's where my father's body was found. 
Quinn: He was killed for a dam, Ben. They killed so they would drown our homes, flood our forests, keep the lights burning all night in the empty buildings of the cities. But not this time. 
[Jack Goody enters, an employee of the Power Building.] 
Goody: Hey gentlemen. Jack Goody. Everything OK, we, uh, looking after you all right? 
Fraser: We're fine, thank you. 
Goody: Great. Has someone offered you a coffee? 
Quinn: No, I uh... 
Goody: A cappuccino? Espresso. Latte. Regular and decaf, don't say no. 
[Presses button. Bell rings and woman appears] 
Goody: Hey honey, uh, two lattes, a half-caf decaf for me and, uh bring some of those biscotti. Thanks sweetheart. 
Woman: Thank you sir. 
Quinn: I'm Tom Quinn. I've come to see Mr Carruthers. 
Goody: Oh, well I'm Mr Carruthers personal assistant. Now, I'm not quite up to speed. Do you know Mr Carruthers? 
Quinn: I spoke to him when he came to our town. He said if I was ever in Chicago to stop in and see him. I'm in Chicago. 
Goody: I see. The thing is, Mr Carruthers is extremely busy right now. So if you could leave me your number, I might be able to get you five minutes in about three weeks. 
Quinn: Three weeks? My home will be under 100 feet of water. 
Goody. Oh that town. It's always difficult, I know. But you should find some consolation in knowing that you'll be providing power for millions of people. Now my advice to you sir? You should go home. And move. You can't stop this, it's been approved. We put it to bed, it creased the sheets. We've spent millions. The people have been talked to. 
Quinn: What about the caribou, the elk, the beaver. Did you talk to them? Cause they too can talk. 
Goody: You know, when I was a kid I used to think cows talked. But when I grew up I realised all they said is 'moo'! 
[Woman enters carrying a tray] 
Goody: Hey, there she is! Listen fellas, uh I gotta fly. Thanks for dropping by and, um, leave me that number, OK? Ciao. 
[Goody walks off. Quinn starts to walk after him] 
Fraser: Quinn... 
[Quinn stops and takes a handful of biscotti from the tray. Fraser and Quinn start walking down the stairs] 
Fraser: The caribou, the elk, the beaver, they too can talk? 
Quinn: I've been getting into this native roots and it seems to work. Besides, I thought the Tonto act might impress that little jackass. 
[Alarm bell starts ringing in the background. Scene switches to a jewellery store which two men, Tim Kelly and Jeff Storey are robbing] 
Kelly: [To innocent bystander] Hey, get down, get down. I said get down! 
[Storey starts smashing glass and stealing the jewellery. Lots of chaos, shouting and the alarm bell heard in the background] 
Kelly: 5 seconds. All right, go, go, go, go, go. 10 seconds.. get the pearls! 15 seconds. Go, gogogo. 20 seconds. Go, go, go, go. 25, let's go, come on [Grabs Storey] Get out, come on, let's go... 
[They run up the escalator and meet Fraser and Quinn. They turn and run off in the other direction. Kelly jumps on to the banister of the stairs and starts shooting at Fraser with a machine gun] 
Kelly: Move, move, move, move, move, move, move [Shoots] 
[Storey runs into a lift. The doors shut. Quinn presses a button and the lift stops moving. Meanwhile, Kelly is running up the service stairs, shooting at Fraser who is following him. Back to the lift which has reached the next floor. The doors open and Storey cautiously steps out. Quinn grabs him and throws him against the wall.] 
Storey: My neck! 
[Scene switches to the service stairs again. Kelly is still shooting at Fraser. Scene switches to the roof of the Power Building. Kelly pushes Fraser over the edge of the roof. 
Fraser is hanging on with both hands.] 
Kelly: Hey! How ya doin'? Huh? Hi! [Stands on Fraser's hand] Dilemma! 
[Fraser lets one hand go] 
Quinn: Hey! Get away from him! 
[Kelly tries to shoot but has run out of ammunition. He runs off] 
Quinn: Ben! Get your foothold. 
[Scene flashes to a forest somewhere in Canada. A young Fraser is in a similar situation on the side of a cliff. A younger Quinn is trying to help him up.] 
Young Fraser: I can't get it. 
Quinn: Yes you can. 
[Scene continually flips between the rooftop and the cliff side] 
Young Fraser: There's no, there's no way. 
[Rooftop] 
Quinn: Easy, find your legs 
[We see Fraser/Young Fraser struggling to get up] 
[Cliff side] 
Quinn: Take my hand boy 
Young Fraser: I can't, I can't 
[Chicago] 
Quinn: I've got you. 
[Cliff] 
Quinn: There you go 
[Chicago - Fraser is now standing on the roof as opposed to hanging from it]] 
Quinn: That's a long way down. 
Fraser: True enough. 
[Cue titles] 
[Scene - the cliff top] 
Young Fraser: Thank you, mister. 
Quinn: Quinn. Who are you? 
Young Fraser: Benton Fraser. 
Quinn: Benton? That's kinda long isn't it? Why don't we just go with Ben. You're a long ways from town. Young to be hunting alone. 
Young Fraser: My friend Inis killed a caribou last year all by himself. 
Quinn: Your grandparents are worried. Everyone knows Martha and George Fraser. And everyone knows that their grandson ran away from home two days ago. 
Young Fraser: I told you, I'm hunting caribou. 
Quinn: Sure you don't need help? 
[Chicago. Quinn and Fraser are sitting on the stairs leading to the foyer of the ower Building]] 
Fraser: Thank you kindly for your help. That's the second time you've saved my life. 
Quinn: We all have our bad habits. 
Fraser: (laughs) 
[A woman from the Power Building enters and starts to walk up the stairs] 
Woman: Still waiting? 
Fraser: Sorry for the way things worked out today. 
Quinn: Doesn't matter. They won't succeed. 
Fraser: You know, it's going to be very difficult to even see this man, let alone convince him to give up something that's..already 'creased the sheets'. 
Quinn: I can talk anybody out of anything. You know that. 
Fraser: Quinn. The rest of the town has already moved. They've given up. 
Quinn: Sure, because it's easy. It's just rocks and trees and dirt, I know that. Places I stood with my father, trails he showed me, rocks we sheltered under. My whole life will be under water. 
Fraser: You know, you may not stand much of a chance against these people. You're an honest man, Quinn, like my father and he wasn't equipped. 
Quinn: Well I'll get equipped. 
Ray: [To Fraser] You OK? 
Fraser: Yeah, I'm fine. 
Ray: You want someone to take a look at that? 
Fraser: No, no, uh Quinn had some powdered horn. Thank you. 
Ray: That's good, I left my powdered horn in my other jacket. [To Quinn] So, how'd it go today? 
Quinn: Not well. 
Ray: Well, I coulda told you that, these companies only believe in one thing - money. 
Quinn: Money. 
Ray: Yeah, it buys lawyers, politicians, access, that's the way it works. 
Quinn: Thank you. 
Ray: Uh, this guy'll take your statement. 
[Huey and Dewey are walking down the stairs] 
Huey: Vecchio! 
Ray: Anything on the other guy? 
Huey: He went out back. Ran through a crowded restaurant wearing a mask *and* carrying a machine gun. 
Dewey: Surprise surprise, nobody saw him. 
Ray: Perfect. [To Fraser] Sure you're all right? 
Fraser: Yeah. I'm fine. 
Huey: [To Storey] Let's go buddy. 
Storey: Sh...Owowowowowow! 
Huey: All right, take it easy. 
Storey: I'm hurt here! 
Huey: I'm sorry(!) 
Storey: [To Quinn] You! I'm gonna sue you. Get me a lawyer. 
Huey: All right, all right. 
Dewey: Hey I'm a cop would you rather I come and get you? 
Ray: Come on, let's move this down town. Move the circus down town. 
Fraser: [To Quinn] I have to go back to the consulate. 
[Canada] 
Quinn: I could wait with you or you could come home with me. Or I could walk with you. 
Young Fraser: I didn't run away. Well, well technically I didn't. All right, I ran away. They wouldn't let me hunt. I'm a twelve year old boy and every other boy my age gets to hunt. 
Quinn: Won't find caribou walking that way. 
[Chicago] 
Welsh: These guys have pulled off five high-profile jewellery robberies in the last three weeks. Now the media's gettin' all excited. These dopes wanna give them cute names, they wanna make 'em famous, we gotta nail it, fast. What have we got? 
Ray: His name's Jeff Storey. He's got a short sheet, nothin' too serious. He was not the shooter. 
Welsh: All right. Find out what he's got. 
Francesca: Sir! [Moves through to Desk Sergeant's desk area. The media are all there, cameras, reporters etc.] 
Reporter: Lieutenant, do you believe the man you're holding is one of the laughing bandits who've been terrorising the down town area for the last month? 
Welsh: We are attempting to establish that now. The one thing I can say is that they're not laughing anymore and neither are the victims. In fact there's nothing funny about this whole situation. 
Reporter: Do you have any leads on the robbery? 
Francesca: Oh the, the lab boys are working on that report...right now..Why don't you field this one Harding? 
[Now watching scene on a TV in Kelly's apartment somewhere] 
Welsh: We'll be issuing a statement at the appropriate time. 
Reporter: Did you recover the jewels? 
Francesca: Pfph! Oh God no! The other guy left with the jewels. 
Kelly: [Laughs] 
Welsh: Thank you Miss Vecchio. As I've already said, we'll be issuing a statement when we get more information. That's it for now. 
[Interrogation room] 
Ray: Look you are not doing yourself any favours here. Got your code. A felony, two priors. This could be strike three. 
Storey: Oh come on man, those other beefs? They ain't nothin' man, they're jokes. 
Ray: I don't think the judge is gonna be laughin' because what I see here is a pattern of uh escalation, uh they're gonna want to put you away for a lo...long time for the uh good of society, that kinda thing. Look come on. Cough up somea that dirty cheese! Look, you're doin' 18 to life and your buddy's whoopin' it up in Monte Carlo or somethin'? You wanna be the fall guy? Wanna be the fall guy? Come on, give us a name. You give us a name, you'll get 6 months, tops. 
[Knock at the door] 
Huey: His lawyer's here. 
Ray: Hey. Think about what I just said. Talk it over with your lawyer. Six months. 
[Ray leaves, Kelly enters disguised as Storey's lawyer] 
Storey: Tim what're you doin'... 
Kelly: Shut up! We're stuffed. 
Storey: What do you mean? 
Kelly: Shh! They said on the news you didn't have it on you. Huh? Did they offer you the deal right? You for me, right? Huh? Huh? 
Storey: Oh, come on man, I didn't say nothin'. 
Kelly: You can't trust cops. You give 'em the jewels, you give 'em me, they'll crucify both of us anyway. Now, you tell me where the stuff is and we'll get you the best defence in the country. All right? 
Storey: Yeah? 
Kelly: Yeah. 
Storey: And what if I don't? 
Kelly: [Grabs Storey by the neck] I'll kill you. If you're in jail, or I'm in jail, or we both are. I will find you, I will reach you and I will kill you. Understand? 
[Hallway - Fraser is walking down the corridor] 
Fraser: Hi Ray. 
Ray: Where's uh Quinn? 
Fraser: He's at the power company. 
Ray: Oh. I don't get him. He's like, uh, talkin' to a tree. 
Fraser: Well, you know this is the first time Quinn has been south and I imagine he's feeling a little humbled. You see in the North he's a...he's a living legend. He's a brilliant man, he's very articulate. he's forceful. Not to mention positively a genius in the identification of scat. 
Ray: Huh. Let's get a coffee. Uh, scat, you mean like uh jazz singing, that kinda... 
Fraser: No no no, scat - as in droppings. 
Ray: Oh. 
Fraser: Well it's a very useful attribute, Ray, particularly if it's 40 degrees below zero and you need to find the nearest beaver lodge. 
Ray: That doesn't come up that much in Chicago, Fraser. 
Fraser: Well, no, and I fear that's a part of Quinn's problem, you see...very few of his considerable skills are of any use to him here. 
Ray: Well why's he your responsibility? 
Fraser: Well because he's...my mentor, he's a..a guide. I've known him all my life. 
Ray: [To Dief] You wanna coffee? Mm-hmm? [To Fraser] Uh, well I've known a lot of people all my life, it doesn't mean I um gotta look out for 'em. 
Fraser: What about your family? 
Ray: Um...well there's my mom, I guess (laughs) she's a responsibility. 
Fraser: And your father? 
Ray: Uh, my dad was a great guy, did all the, y'know, great dad things uh, took me to ball games, uh y'know, showed me round a card table, uh y'know taught me how to y'know build an engine. Y'know, we'd tear down engines, uh, build 'em back up again. Last car we worked on was this uh GTO. Worked on it day, night. Um..Painted it black. Jet black. Six coats. Loved that car. 
Fraser: You don't feel he was a mentor? 
Ray: Um..My dad slaved away at this uh meat-packing plant and um....he wanted me to go, go to college, he said uh y'know, he didn't want me to have the stink of dead animals all over me. And I dropped out, I uh, went off to the Academy. Day I graduated almost killed him. He said uh, you're gonna have a stink on you all the same, bad people. Kinda life is that? And he moved off to Arizona and uh I haven't um...well I talk to him. No, I uh... 
Huey: [Standing in doorway. Clears throat] Storey's done with his lawyer. 
Ray: OK. Good, round...round two. 
[Hall] 
Ray: [Heard from interrogation room] So we gonna talk or tell stories Storey? 
Fraser: Ray!
[Outside. Dief runs off after a speeding car which almost knocks Fraser down.] 
Fraser: Dief! 
Ray: Fraser, what's with you? 
Fraser: That lawyer was no lawyer, it was Storey's partner. 
Ray: And he shows up here? That guy's got (..) 
Fraser: What he doesn't have is the jewels. If he had the jewels he'd be long gone. 
Ray: Fraser! Car! 
Fraser: Ah, right. 
[They get into Ray's car] 
Ray: So he must have hid them in the Power Building. 
Fraser: The question is, did he tell his partner? 
Ray: So what's with Dief? 
Fraser: Well as you know he's very sensitive. The other day I suggested he was getting soft so I think he's trying to prove himself. 
[At the Power Building. Quinn walks in to the lift. He removes the service hatch in the roof and pulls a small pouch into the lift. He looks inside.] 
[Cut to Fraser and Ray. Dief is waiting for them at the entrance to the Power Building] 
Ray: How'd he beat us? 
Fraser: Well, he must have taken a short cut. 
Ray: He knows short cuts? 
Fraser: Well he does study maps. 
Ray: What kind of maps? 
Fraser: Road maps, street maps, topographic maps. 
[Cut to lift. Fraser opens up the service hatch and hauls himself up] 
Ray: Anything? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: He must have got here before us. 
Fraser: [Picks up something of Quinn's from the floor] Somebody did. 
[Out in the street. Quinn is being followed by Kelly. We see Quinn stop to give a man some money] 
[Outside the Power Building] 
Ray: [On cell phone] I want somebody in the lobby. If he shows his face we'll nail him....No I do not have a picture....Well get a composite! [Hangs up] These people, they think I'm a magician. Fraser! Hey..Fraser. 
Fraser: Oh. Sorry. You know this makes no sense. 
Ray: You're tellin' me. You OK? 
Fraser: Yeah I'm fine. 
Ray: Look, I gotta go back to the station. 
Fraser: OK I think I'll uh....[walks off] 
[In the street. Fraser is talking to the man we saw Quinn give money to earlier. Fraser gives the guy more money and walks off] 
[In the police station] 
Welsh: Known felon walks into my police station, walks into my interrogation room and starts talkin' shop with one of my prisoners. What the hell is this, a drop in centre? 
Ray: No sir. 
Welsh: [To Francesca] Get the desk sergeant here right now! 
[Interrogation room] 
Welsh: Hello! 
Lawyer: What the hell is goin' on here? 
Welsh: Can it, can it. Let me see some ID. ID, right now. 
Ray: [To Storey] Hey, you think this is funny? You sit in a hole for the next 20 years and your partner is in Vegas with 2 million bucks? 
Lawyer: Hey! 
Ray: [Still talking to Storey] That's funny to you? 
Lawyer: This is my client. I'm entitled.... 
Welsh: Hey, hey, keep your pants on council. OK move 'em to room 2 OK. And get our friends some coffee, come on. I want prints in here, I want the whole thing dusted. Francesca! 
Francesca: O..OK, I'm right here. 
Welsh: Look. find we a judge. I want a warrant for this guy Storey's apartment, is car, his locker at the Y. And I wanna know as soon as Perry Mason's finished with him. 
Francesca.: OK. [Walks off] Oh God, I'm buying earplugs for this place. 
[Somewhere in Chicago. Fraser stops to look at a footprint in the mud. Scene switches to Canada] 
Young Fraser: Caribou tracks. They're headed that way. Why are you helping me? 
Quinn: That's what I do. I'm a tracker and a guide. [He picks something up from the ground and tastes it] Came through yesterday. We have to move fast. 
Young Fraser: How can you do that? 
Quinn: It's part of their story. 
Young Fraser: What story? 
Quinn: Everything here has a story to tell. What's passed by, when, how, what you have to feel by the earth. (??) 
Young Fraser: Yeah, but tasting things off the ground. Isn't that kind of...disgusting? 
Quinn: Not for a good tracker. 
[Young Fraser picks something up and bites into it. He spits it out.] 
Young Fraser: What's it supposed to taste like? 
Quinn: Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't put that in *my* mouth. (laughs) 
Young Fraser: The tracks are going this way. 
Quinn: When you're tracking, it's more important to know where the game is going than where it's been. 
[Chicago. Fraser is lying down on the pavement smelling something] 
Dief: (Whines) 
Fraser: Oh don't be so silly. I'm not embarrassed or bored when you sniff things. 
[Chicago street. Quinn is still being followed by Kelly but eventually manages to elude him.] 
[Fraser is walking down a different street. He crouches down to look at something and gets soaked by a passing street cleaner] 
[Chicago PD] 
Francesca: [Looking at the computer] Tim Kelly. Oh-hoh. 
Ray: Just save the dramatics and.. 
Francesca: OK, relax. May I register my disgust? Timothy Nicholas Kelly, three convictions 
Ray and Francesca: [In unison] for aggravated assault, three arrests for extor.. 
[Francesca gives Ray a 'look'] 
Francesca: Extortion, no convictions, assault with a vehicle, suspected in three possibly four homicides, currently wanted in 34 states. 
Ray: And unwanted in 16. 
Welsh: We got something? 
Ray: Uh, yes sir. We got an ID on that uh fingerprint from the interrogation room. 
[Welsh snatches the picture from Francesca] 
Francesca: May I look at that Miss Vecchio? Why of course Lieutenant, here you go. Thank you Miss Vecchio. 
Welsh: I want this guy! I don't care if he's on a beach in Mexico or a deli in Queens. Ray? 
Ray: Yeah? 
Welsh: Check the airport, travel agents, bus station. Huey? 
Huey: Yes sir? 
Welsh: All known acquaintances, check 'em. He might be holed up some place here in town. Everybody gets a copy of his picture. 
Huey: Right sir, we got it. 
Dewey: Hey Ray! 
Ray: What? 
Dewey: It's your mom and dad. 
Ray: What about 'em? 
Dewey: On the phone. 
Ray: What do you mean they're on the phone? 
Dewey: They're at a truck stop on the I-90. They're heading into town. 
Ray: You're a funny guy. [He replaces the handset] You're a funny guy. [Walks off] That's rich that. 
[Outside the Power Building] 
Fraser: It's more important to know where the game is going than where it's been. 
Quinn: You hunting me Ben? 
[They enter the building] 
Quinn: You want my help. 
Fraser: Yes. To track the man who took the jewels. 
Quinn: Can't track a man in the city. 
Fraser: You told me it was possible to track anything. 
Quinn: I told you it was possible to track anything you understood. 
Fraser: I understand this man. 
Quinn: How? 
Fraser: I know that he's a criminal and I know that he tried to kill me, I've seen him. Assuming of course that the other thief is the one who took the jewels. 
Quinn: Assuming. 
[In the lift] 
Quinn: [Lifts up the service hatch] Someone's been up here. You could have seen that yourself Ben. Someone tall, about my height. 
Fraser: How do you know? 
Quinn: Couldn't have reached far enough up unless he was. Didn't stand on anything. I'd have seen it if he did. [He closes the hatch] 
Fraser: And now which way did he go? 
Quinn: I don't have time for this Ben. I came here to do a job. 
Fraser: They won't see you, what more can you do?
Quinn: I can get help. Hire lawyers maybe? I don't know. 
Fraser: Lawyers require money. You have money? 
Quinn: I can get it. I have to do this Ben. 
Fraser: Well, that's exactly the way I felt about the caribou, you remember? 
Quinn: This is more important than a boy killing a caribou. 
Fraser: Yes. But maybe not to that boy. At the time I think the boy felt... 
[Canada] 
Young Fraser: This is very important to me. About growing up. You don't think I should be doing this, do you. 
Quinn: To kill something without need is wrong. 
Young Fraser: But you're a guide. You guide people from the city when they hunt here. They don't need what they kill. 
Quinn: You live here Ben, you're a part of it. All of it. 
Young Fraser: So you won't help me. 
Quinn: No, I'll help you. 
Young Fraser: If you don't think I should do it then why are you helping me? It doesn't seem very logical. 
Quinn: I'll help you so you can decide for yourself. If you can't find a caribou, you can't know if you'll kill them. 
Young Fraser: I could find them. 
Quinn: Not before they die of old age! (laughs) 
[Chicago] 
Fraser: He came this way? 
Quinn: Yes. 
Fraser: Is there a sign? 
Quinn: I know he did. 
Fraser: Is he the thief? 
Quinn: No. 
Fraser: Then why did he take the jewels: 
Quinn: Why did Stinky Masterson steal Jimmy Longbow's snowmobile? 
Fraser: That's no the same thing at all. Stinky's sled dogs had eaten poisoned tallow and he needed transport. 
Quinn: Because he needed it. 
Fraser: No, no, no, no. Because he wanted it. There's a difference. 
Quinn: The men I'm fighting are just like the men who killed your father. Greedy, corrupt, evil men. 
Fraser: Nothing good can come from a bad act Quinn. You taught me that. 
Quinn: Who said I was always right? 
Fraser: Maybe we are going about this the wrong way. The man has the jewels. He'll need to sell them to use the money. Now that means he'll have to go to a dealer in stolen goods otherwise known as a fence. Now my friend Ray has, uh, on occasion pointed some out to me. Perhaps we should visit a couple? 
Quinn: And you'll be my guide? 
Fraser: I will be your guide. 
[Chicago PD - Welsh's office] 
Francesca: [Clears throat] 
Welsh: Yes? 
Francesca: Yeah, um...Diane Bowen from WOTX TV called and uh she wants to interview me. Kind of a human interest story, you know, Tough Women on Crime. [Welsh gives Francesca a 'look'] I, I, I wouldn't talk about the specific cases sir... 
Welsh: Miss Vecchio, do the words 'over my dead body' have any meaning to you? I don't want the press within 10 miles of this place 'til we get Kelly. After that you can do as you please. 
Francesca: Really? OK, thanks! [Runs out of Welsh's office ecstatic] 
[Squad room] 
Ray: Tickets to Acapulco? Shouldn't I be going with you? I'm your brother. 
Francesca: Oh, Ray. You know that I would *much* rather spend a weekend alone with you in a hotel room(!) 
[Phone rings. Francesca answers it.] 
Francesca: Squad room...Really? [To Ray] It's your parents. They're calling from a pay phone on the interstate. 
[Ray puts the phone down.] 
Ray: So you're in on it too. That's uh, that's very amusing. That's an amusing....little prank and I'm laughing....on the inside. But how about we get back to doing police work. Look, we got nothing on Kelly, we got no address, he's got no friends. 
Francesca: Oh he's got a friend and uh he's in the interrogation room. Why don't you go in and swat his cubes until he talks? 
Ray: Swat his cubes? Don't you mean break his... 
Francesca: OK, you know what I, I mean swat his cubes. I'm saying swat his cubes, that's what I mean OK? 
Ray: OK. Why this sudden interest in, uh, Kelly? 
Francesca: I care about law enforcement. It's my life. [She walks off] 
[Canada] 
Quinn: They're just over that hill. You know how to use that thing? 
Young Fraser: Yes sir. 
Quinn: Kill anything big before? 
Young Fraser: Lots of times. Well, almost once. No sir. 
Quinn: Ah. 
Young Fraser: But I understand muzzle velocity and windage and I'm quite clear on rifling. I'm sure I'll know what to do. 
Quinn: It's not too late to turn back. 
Young Fraser: Yes it is. 
Quinn: OK. 
[Young Fraser sets up his rifle] 
[Chicago] 
Fraser: This is the Fence. 
Quinn: You will come in with me? 
Fraser: I can't do that. 
[Quinn goes in. Fraser waits outside. Quinn comes back.] 
Quinn: I suppose you want them back? 
Fraser: I think that would be a good idea. 
Quinn: I don't have them with me. 
Fraser: I thought not. Where are they? 
Quinn: Took 'em back to the Consulate. Gave them to Turnbull for safe keeping. I've failed. 
Fraser: No Quinn, you haven't. 
[Inside the Consulate. There's a knock at the door] 
Turnbull: Oh for the love of Pete, I'm coming. [Opens door] Sorry I locked the door, I've been cooking, uh one onion diced, celery, carrots, oh! mushrooms sliced... 
Fraser: Turnbull? 
Turnbull: Sir? 
Fraser: What are you blithering on about? 
Turnbull: Oh! The ingredients for the dish I'm preparing. You blend them all together and Voila! 
Fraser: Voila what? 
Turnbull: Ratatouille. 
Quinn: Everything I hate in one bowl. 
Turnbull: Mr Quinn. With all due respect sir, let me nip off to the kitchen and get you a sample I'm pretty darn confidant'll change your mind. 
[Doorbell rings] 
Turnbull: Oh-oh. Would you be a peach and get that for me? Come on Dief. 
[Turnbull goes back to the kitchen. Quinn opens the door and Kelly runs in and grabs him.] 
Kelly: Don't move or I'll kill you. Don't move. Where are they? Where are they?! 
Quinn: Did you think I'd be stupid enough to carry them? 
Kelly: Turn around right now. I'll blow you away! 
Fraser: Not very logical. You kill him, he can't tell you where they are. 
Kelly: Doesn't stop me from killing you. 
Quinn: You shoot a Mountie they'll hunt you for ever. 
Kelly: All right, all right. Let's go. Both of you, come on! Let's go! 
[Turnbull enters carrying a plate of ratatouille] 
Turnbull: Oh, company! Gun! [Turnbull turns and runs into the wall , covering himself with ratatouille and knocking himself out. Dief licks the plate while Kelly escapes with Fraser and Quinn.] 
[Squad room at Chicago PD. The phone rings.] 
Ray: [Answers the phone] Vecchio. 
Turnbull: Oh, Detective Vecchio, there's been a kidnapping. 
Ray: What. 
Turnbull: An abduction, an absconding, a seizure, a capture. 
Ray: Turnbull, I know what it means. I need to know who, when and where. 
Turnbull: Uh, the, the, the who is Constable Fraser and Mr Quinn, um the when is, is just recently and, and the where is at the Consulate. 
Ray: What did he look like? 
Turnbull: Uh now let's see, let's see, now uh Constable Fraser.... 
Ray: NOT Fraser. The kidnapper. 
Turnbull: Oh uh oh oh OK. I, I, I managed to uh, uh, make a quick sketch, a little something in charcoal. You see I, I left my pastels at home but, but maybe I could work it up for you later. I'm doing some lovely work in oils... 
Ray: Turnbull! 
Turnbull: Yes sir? 
Ray: Fax it. 
[Fax comes through] 
Ray: Who's that? Keith Cairdine? (??) 
Francesca: It's Kelly. 
Ray: He's got Fraser. 
[Interrogation room] 
Storey: Oh great (!) 
Ray: You know what I got here? 
Storey: What? 
Ray: s'a ticket. Airline ticket, Kelly booked it yesterday. Acapulco. He's gonna be lyin' out in the sun while you sweat it out. While you get kicked around, screwed around, jolly et (???) He's coverin' his ass. And man to man I suggest you start coverin' yours. 
Storey: He'll kill me. 
Ray: Wrong! He'll be in jail. 
Storey: Doesn't matter. 
Ray: But who's he gonna call? Hits R Us? He's small time muscle. Once he's in the joint he's nothin'. All you gotta do is tell me where he is. Look, I'm just tryin' to help you. Kelly's laughin' at you. He's laughin' his head right off his skinny little neck. [He opens the door.] 
Storey: Wait wait wait! Wait wait! He's in a closed up shop off Carderro (??) 
Ray: Closed up shop on the Carderro (??) 
Storey: Yeah, 136. I get a deal right? Hey I get a deal! 
[Hallway] 
Ray: [To Uniform] Put him back in his cell. 
Huey: Hey Ray! Your parents are on the phone. 
Ray: Look, put it to rest Jack! 
Huey: I'm serious, they're just outside the city limits. 
Ray: Look it's not funny. 
Huey: All right. 
Ray: It's not funny. 
Huey: OK. 
Ray: Shut up. 
Huey: (laughs) 
[Inside the closed up shop.] 
Kelly: OK, we're gonna make this real simple. You tell me where the jewels are and I won't kill your Mountie friend. 
Fraser: Don't listen to him Quinn. 
Kelly: Shut up! 
Fraser: He'll kill us as soon as he has the jewels. 
Kelly: Oh! Well maybe one in the kneecap just to get the ball rollin' huh? 
Quinn: I'll take you to them. 
Fraser: Quinn. 
Quinn: It's OK Ben. 
Kelly. All right. [To Quinn] Good boy! [To Fraser] Bad boy! Good boy! Bad boy! Good boy. Bad boy. 
[Outside the shop. The police arrive.] 
Huey: Nothing opens onto the alley. 
Welsh: Back entrance? 
Dewey: Nothing. 
Huey: So the front's the only way out. 
Welsh:  All right, could be nobody's home, could be we got a fruitcake with two hostages. We'll take it real slow. 
Ray: I think I can get up to that window. 
[Door opens and Kelly appears holding Quinn at gun point] 
Ray Kelly! 
Kelly: I've got two hostages! 
Ray: Come on, we've all seen the movie. Forget about it. 
Kelly: I'll do it. I swear to God I'll do it! Now move back! 
Ray: You put the gun down we can all go home. Nobody has to die here. 
Kelly: One of 'em's a cop. 
Ray: Right. Just buys you trouble. 
Kelly: It buys me a way outta here. You got a cell phone? [Ray nods] Use it! 555-0165. [Kelly goes back inside the building] 
Ray: 555-0...You get the rest of that? 
Dewey, Huey and Welsh: Yeah. 
Welsh: All right, I want the SWAT team, hostage negotiators, the whole beguiler (???) 
Ray: Look, you get the SWAT team in here, we're not in charge any more. 
Welsh: It's procedure Detective. 
Ray: Yeah but that is Fraser in there. I don't wanna see some black vest hot-shot come in here and screw up our deal. 
Welsh: Relax. It's what they're trained for. 
Ray: I know that's what they're trained for. Come on, let me talk to him at least until they get here. At least until they get here! 
[In the warehouse. Kelly is tying Quinn back up again] 
Fraser: (How are your ropes?) 
Quinn: (Tight - loosing circulation in my fingers. Can you move your hands?) 
Fraser: (I think so.) 
Quinn: (There. Untie mine.) 
Kelly: Come on. Come on! Use the damn phone! Come on! 
[Looking through the window. We can see Ray taking out his phone. Kelly's phone rings.] 
Kelly: We got a deal? 
Ray: What do you want? 
Kelly: What I, I, I thought you *saw* this movie! 
Ray: Refresh my memory. 
Kelly: OK. Listen, carefully. You got one minute to put a car outside the door and clear out. 
Ray: Wait a minute, that wasn't in the script. 
Kelly: In the script? Forget the (...) script! I'm not waiting for the SWAT team and the hostage guys. Now you do it right now or I shoot the Indian! 
Ray: Look. You shoot anybody, it's all over. You shoot anybody, I'll kill you myself. 
Kelly: One minute. And don't forget, I got two in here and one's expendable. All right? [Hangs up] 
Ray: [To Welsh] Look we got to do something or he's going to shoot somebody. 
Welsh: Do something and maybe we'll make him shoot somebody, you ever think of that? What do you wanna do? 
Ray: Pull back. Bring my car up here, leave it. Maybe I can get close enough to make something happen. 
Welsh: No, I don't like it. 
Ray: Look, I don't care if you like it, he's gonna pull the trigger. He's crazy, trust me on this. Trust me on this. 
[In the warehouse] 
Quinn: One knot at a time Ben. One knot at a time. Concentrate. 
[Canada] 
Quinn: Try and feel it. Feel where it's moving. Feel when he turns towards you. 
[Chicago] 
Quinn: Feel it Ben. 
Kelly: Where's that car? I need that car. I can't believe this. Stalling! The bastards are stalling! 
[Quinn is free and runs off. Kelly shoots at him.] 
[Outside] 
Ray: Gunshot! [He runs to a motorcycle] 
[Inside] 
Kelly: [To Fraser] Don't you move. 
Fraser: Now you've lost a hostage. If I know Quinn, you'll probably never find him. What do you propose to do? 
Kelly: I'll kill you. 
Fraser: Well, I would have thought keeping me alive would improve your bargaining position. 
Kelly: Screw it! 
Quinn: Hey! 
[Kelly shoots at Quinn. Fraser frees himself. Kelly points the gun at Fraser. Ray crashes through the window on the motorcycle. Kelly point s the gun at Ray. Fraser kicks the gun out of Kelly's hand and knocks him over.] 
Ray: Don't move! Don't move. Hand away from the gun. Away from the gun! Hands behind your back. Behind your back! 
[Chicago PD. A woman is interviewing Francesca and both are surrounded by a film crew.] 
Francesca: Getting the property back in to the hands of the rightful owners is what it's all about. 
Diane Bowen. Thank you Miss Vecchio. For women tough on crime, I'm Diane Bowen. 
Man: And....cut! Good, we got it. 
[Cut to Welsh, Fraser and Ray walking along the corridor] 
Welsh: I've got to admit it was a creative use of a motorcycle, but I wonder what would have happened if you fell on Quinn and Fraser. 
Ray: I never thought of that but I got great cop umm... 
Fraser: Instincts? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Welsh: Cop instincts. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Huey: Hey Ray! 
Ray: What? 
Huey: They're here. 
Ray: Who? 
Huey: Your parents. 
Ray: All right, all right, all right, all right. Look, if we could give it up. First time's kinda funny, second time sorta funny, now... 
Huey: No no. 
Ray: What? 
Huey: It's not a joke. They're set up outside. 
Ray: Set up, where? 
Huey: In, in the parking lot. 
[Walks outside. Sees parents sitting in deck chairs on some fake grass with a tiny white picket fence surrounding it, next to a trailer. 
Dad: [To Mom] Here comes your son. 
Mom: Stanley, oh Stanley look at you! You haven't changed a stick! Your father and I fought from the moment we left the trailer park in Arizona, fought right across the country, 'He'll have changed' your father said, 'changed utterly'. 'Damien' I said 'that's impossible. He's our son!' Look at you! You're exactly the same as the moment you came into this world. You're hungry aren't you? 
Ray: No, no, I'm not... 
Mom: I knew it! [She goes inside the trailer. Dad is standing looking awkward.] 
Dad: Son. 
Ray: Uh, Dad. 
Dad: I brought along a ..a little something of yours. [He unveils the GTO] 
Ray: Wow! She still runs? 
Dad: I've kept her going. Regular work. Can tell you something son. There's nothing like a long Arizona highway to keep an engine running clean. 
Ray: Thanks Dad. [Ray and Dad shake hands.] 
Dad: Your hair looks good. 
[Cut to Fraser and Quinn who are looking on.] 
Quinn: I've failed. 
Fraser: How do you see that? 
Quinn: It's hard to think of my land being under 100 feet of water and not see it as a failure. 
Fraser: You know there's a...a short entry in one of my father's journals that reads 'My adversaries appear ready to listen. I'm nearing victory.' And that entry was written the day before he was shot. 
Quinn: Your father acted heroically. 
Fraser: Yes. But he's not here. At least uh... [He looks around] He doesn't appear to be. 
Quinn: I wanna thank you Ben. 
Fraser: For the jewels? You would have returned them anyway. 
Quinn: How do you know that? 
Fraser: I know you. 
Quinn: You do, don't you. 
Fraser: Yes I do. You let me make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. 
[Canada. Young Fraser is poised to shoot. The caribou turns towards him and looks at him. Young Fraser shoots. The elation on his face quickly turns to distress.] 

End of Easy Money
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Likely Story

**camp** 
Fraser: High atop Sulfur Mountain in his lonely stone cabin, Loooooooou Skagnetti heard a knock at the door. . . boom, boom boom. . . So he opened it. . . creeeeak. . . And there on his stoop stood the beautiful princess from the valley below. And the wind whipped about her hair and the snow swirled about her. And Lou Skagnetti froze. For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know whether to kill her and eat her, or whether to bake her some of those tarts he was so fond of, the ones that feature choke cherries and brown lichen and little bits of dust - 
Ray: Fraser! 
Fraser: What? 
Ray: What are you doing? 
Fraser: I'm telling you a ghost story. It is customary to exchange ghost stories around a campfire in the wilderness. 
Ray: We're not in the wilderness. 
Fraser: It's an approximation of wilderness. 
Ray: No it's not, Fraser. We are in a park in the middle of Chicago. I had to step over a wino and kick through junkies just to get here. This is not the Yukon Territories. 
Fraser: It's the Northwest Territory or the Yukon. . . The thing is, I was feeling a little suffocated at the Consulate. I just felt I needed some room to breathe. 
Ray: Well I got two things to say about that. One, you are not Daniel Boone, and two, this air, uh, the less room to breathe, the better. 
Fraser: Dinner? 
Ray: No thanks. 
Fraser: Oh, you really should. Everything tastes much better cooked over an open fire. . . Dief! 
Ray: Oh, yeah? What about spaghetti? 
Fraser: Oh, it's delicious. And those rooty tubers there, very tasty also. 
Ray: Umm. Where'd you get this? 
Fraser: Diefenbaker dug them up under that tree over there. 
[bell] 
Fraser: Here we go again. Mr. Tucci and his pretzels. 
Mr. Tucci: Buonasera, Signore Red Coat. 
Fraser: Mr. Tucci, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. This is Ray. He's with the Chicago Police Department.
Mr. Tucci: Buonasera. 
Ray: How's it going? 
Mr. Tucci: It goes. 
Dief:  Arf 
Mr. Tucci: Hey, there's my boy. . . 
Fraser: Mr. Tucci, you spoil him. Here, please, let me - 
Mr. Tucci: No, no, no. The end of day, not so fresh. I charge only for fresh. That way I keep my reputation. I better go home. My wife, she worry for me. Arrivederci. 
Fraser: See you tomorrow. 
Mr. Tucci: Si. Ciao. 
Ray: Nice guy. 
Fraser: Yes he is. He and his wife celebrate their 40th anniversary next week. They had hoped to go to Sardinia for a visit, but Mrs. Tucci is very ill. She requires around-the-clock nursing. 
Ray: Where's Sardinia? 
Fraser: It's in the Mediterranean. It's an island - 
[gunshot] 
Mr. Tucci: My wife, she worry for me. 
Fraser: Everything is going to be all right, sir. Help is on the way. 
Mr. Tucci: Please, look after my wife. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray: Chicago PD! 
Skater: Scumbag! 
Ray: Stop, stop, stop! Police officer. I'm a police officer. Just, just. . . Ah! God! 
Mr. Tucci: Buona note, mi amore. 
**GTO** 
Fraser: How's your nose? 
Ray: Like I got myself kicked. 
Fraser: She was innocent, Ray. She thought you were attacking her. 
**Tucci house** 
Fraser [to Dief]: Wait here. 
Ray: Fraser, you don't have to do this. This is my job. 
Fraser: Well, I promised Mr. Tucci that I would look after his wife. That's a promise I intend to keep. 
[knock] 
Luanne: Yes? 
Ray: Uh, Miss Tucci? We're with the police. 
Luanne: Come on in. . . Mrs. Tucci, these men are with the police. 
Mrs. Tucci: Oh, Mr. Red Coat! 
Ray: Um, I'm sorry, ma'am, there's been a shooting. I'm afraid your husband is dead. 
Mrs. Tucci: What you say? I'm sorry, I don't hear you. 
Luanne: Oh my God. 
Ray: I'm sorry, ma'am. There's been a shooting, and I'm afraid your husband is dead. 
Mrs. Tucci: Franco! 
Ray: Yeah. We're just starting the investigation. I'm very sorry. 
Luanne: I should take her to her room. 
**outside** 
Ray: Wow! 
Fraser: Wow? 
Ray: She's something else. 
Fraser: Ray, if you don't mind me saying, that is a staggeringly insensitive remark considering the circumstances. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I'm very sorry for Mrs. Tucci's loss, and I will make every effort to find the killer of her husband, but the fact remains she is a very beautiful woman. 
Fraser: Possibly. 
Ray: Nopossibly about it. 
**squad room** 
Ray (continued): I don't know who has less sex, me or you, but at least I still think about women. Is that better or worse? 
Fraser: It's an interesting question. 
Ray: Thank you. 
**squad room** 
Welsh: Vecchio? Where do we stand on the Tucci homicide? 
Ray: He was killed with a .32 caliber. At this point, we suspect everyone and no one. 
Welsh: Well, you can rule out robbery as a motive. This was found on the cart. 
Ray: How much is there? 
Fraser: $4,000. 
Welsh: Right. Now what's a peanut vendor doing with $4,000? 
Fraser: Well, it's not peanuts, sir. 
Welsh: You're damn right it's not. 
Fraser: It's pretzels, sir. 
Welsh: Whatever. 
Frannie: He's got a record. 
Ray: Who? 
Welsh: The deceased. He did six months for receiving stolen property in '53. 
Ray: Why are we investigating the deceased? 
Welsh: Because we're doing a full investigation. 
Frannie: Yeah, 'cause he's Italian. 
Welsh: What? 
Frannie: He's Italian, so he's got to be Mafia, right? He's Italian. He's a gangster. Did you ever stop to think that just maybe he's a decent guy who worked all of his life and saved every penny he has? 
Welsh: And he kept it in his peanut cart? 
Ray: Why not? Fraser carries his around in his hat. 
Fraser: Quite true, sir. 
Welsh: Are you saying I'm prejudiced? 
Fraser: Oh, no, sir, I'm sure she doesn't mean anything like that. It's just that your remark does have the air of cultural stereotyping about it. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Welsh: Let it go, Detective. Remember, you're only pretending to be an Italian. 
Ray: Ciao, sir. 
**interrogation room** 
Ray: Okay, so what did you see in the park? 
Witness: Nothing. 
Ray: You told the officer you saw something. Now what was it?. . . Look, I'm not in the mood for 20 questions, so just tell me what you saw. 
Witness: A guy. 
Ray: What kind of guy? 
Witness: A lumpy guy. 
Ray: Was Mr. Tucci with the lumpy guy? 
Witness: Yeah. 
Ray: Was he arguing with this lumpy guy? 
Witness: No. 
Ray: Did you ever see Mr. Tucci in the park have any trouble, like an argument with a customer? 
Witness: Kill somebody over a pretzel? 
Ray: When did you see this lumpy guy? 
Witness: Right before the shot. 
Ray: Can you describe him besides lumpy? 
Witness: Droopy moustache, big gut, skinny legs. Like a fat skinny guy. 
Ray: Would you recognize him? 
Witness: I guess. 
Ray: Okay, come on. I want you to take a look at some pictures. A lot of different pictures. We got tall guys, we got wide guys, we got. . . 
**Welsh's office** 
Fraser: You could set your clock by him, sir. The route was predictable and almost never varied. Over the course of the week it became clear that his route would take him along here and then up to here and then across to here on Rainier Street and then straight back through the park. 
Welsh: You memorized the pretzel guy's route? 
Fraser: Well, I'm sorry, sir. It's not something that I actively choose to do. On the other hand, it's not something I actively choose to ignore, either. 
Welsh: Fair enough. 
Fraser: I will try and correct that, sir. In the meantime, I thought it might be useful to your men to know where he had been on the day of the murder. 
Welsh: Oh, yes, absolutely. 
Frannie: Hey Frase? There's a Luanne Russell on the line. She's calling on behalf of Mrs. Tucci. 
**lunch room** 
Ray: Frannie, you're a woman, apparently. What do women look for in a man? 
Frannie: You're asking me? Why? What sick thing are you up to? 
Ray: I'm just asking. I got this friend. So this love at first sight, is that legit? I mean, if you don't make a good first impression, are you dead in the water or what? 
Frannie: Well, you're not deformed or anything, really. I don't know. It really depends. I mean, did you show her your disgusting tatoo or how far you could spit or, you know, that charming thing where you kick holes through the ceiling tiles - ? 
Ray: Come on, Frannie, give me a break here. 
Frannie: Ooh, aren't we touchy? Who is this woman? 
Ray: Nobody. Just somebody I met at work. 
Frannie: A cop? 
Ray: No. 
Frannie: A criminal? 
Ray: No. 
Frannie: I don't know, Ray. My best advice would be to be yourself, but in your case, I don't think that's a great idea. 
**corridor** 
Ray: Fraser? So, where're we going? 
Fraser: Well, I'm, uh, I'm, uh. . . 
**Tucci house - living room** 
Fraser: . . . A good-looking boy. 
Mrs. Tucci: That's my son, Frankie. 
Fraser: Your husband never mentioned him. 
Mrs. Tucci: My Franco and Frankie Junior, they fight. So. . . he run away 20 years ago. 
Fraser: What did they fight about? 
Mrs. Tucci: Oh, father and son, what does it matter? What makes the difference? But he'll come back. I know he will. 
**Tucci house – kitchen** 
Ray: How long have you worked for the Tuccis? 
Luanne: A little over 2 years. 
Ray: Can you describe Mr. Tucci? 
Luanne: He was unbelievable. He didn't have a lazy bone in his body. He worked every day from sunup to sundown and never complained. Most people I know just complain about everything, you know. 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, I know. 
Luanne: They're both just amazing. She's got this nerve thing. It's only getting worse. Some days she can't hold a book. Her eyes are going. She never complains. I just love her. You know what she really likes? 
Ray: No. 
Luanne: When I read to her. She loves these big romances. Today I started Sword of Desire by Dawn O'Connor. Do you know her? 
Ray: No. I don't get a lot of time for reading, though, you know, I like reading. 
Luanne: Well they're great. 
Ray: 'Gabriella's chest heaved with passion. . .' 
**sitting room** 
Cassette recorder: . . . The wind whipped her raven hair as she stood at the end of the parapet thinking only of her passion for Paulo. Her lips - 
Mrs. Tucci: She reads it to me every afternoon. Sometimes she puts it on a tape so if I get awake in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep, I listen again. 
Fraser: Mrs. Tucci, you said on the telephone that you were frightened. 
Mrs. Tucci: I just don't understand what happened.. You see, Franco, he never talk about himself, never talk about his business. Just shut you right out. That's Franco. But the last week or so he was not himself. He was - how you say - distracted. He was so nervous. And now somebody's. . . I feel so helpless. 
**kitchen** 
Ray: Can you think of anyone who might have wanted to kill Mr. Tucci? 
Luanne: No, nobody. It's that park. The crackheads are crazy. I told him it wasn't safe. 
Mrs. Tucci: Luanne, perhaps the gentlemen would like a glass of Franco's wine. 
Fraser: Oh, no, thank you. 
Luanne: Detective Vecchio? 
Ray: Uh, no thanks. I'm working. 
Mrs. Tucci: I'll have a glass, for sleeping. 
Ray: Well, it's late and I'm booking out, so, yeah, a glass of wine would be great, thank you. Thank you. 
[phone rings]
Ray: Excuse me. . . Vecchio. . . Yeah?. . . Okay, I'll talk to you in the morning. . . [to Fraser] ? In his report. He had cancer. He would have been dead in 2 months anyway. 
[crash] 
Mrs. Tucci: Oh! 
Luanne: I'm sorry. He didn't say anything. He must have known. 
Mrs. Tucci: What is it? What? 
Ray: Your husband was ill at the time of his murder. He had cancer. 
Mrs. Tucci: Franco was dying? They killed a dying man? 
Ray: They? They? Who do you mean by 'they'? 
Mrs. Tucci: No, what if they try to kill me? 
Fraser: No one has any reason to kill you, Mrs. Tucci. 
Mrs. Tucci: Well, no one had any reason to kill Franco either. Oh, I'm afraid. . . 
Fraser: Please, don't be afraid. Nothing will happen to you, I promise. Ray, I think it would be a good idea for me to bivouac here for the night. 
Ray: You're what? 
Fraser: I'll explain later. 
**Tucci driveway** 
Ray: Hey, I know what's going on here. 
Fraser: Ray, please. 
Ray: You just can't stand it, can you? You just can't stand that she's more interested in me than she is in you. 
Fraser: You're embarrassing yourself. 
Ray: Look, I'll be back here, 6:30 sharp. 
**back yard** 
Fraser [to Dief]: Well, it's a nice clear night for sleeping under the stars, such as they are. 
Dief:  Arf. 
Fraser: I hear it. . . Ah, Ray. Glad you could join us. 
Ray: Oh, yeah, I bet you are. . . Anything happen? 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: You get called in on any emergencies? 
Fraser: No. It's been very quiet. . . Lou Skagnetti looked across the stone table at the beautiful princess, and he said to himself - 
Ray: Fraser? 
Fraser: What? 
Ray: You think she had something to do with it, don't you. 
Fraser: I try not to prejudge people, Ray. 
Ray: You do. Come on. 
Fraser: Well, all I will say is that I detected a certain, well, almost a musk-like animal wariness about her. 
Ray: Musk? You're talking to me about musk? I detect a certain kind of musk here myself. 
Dief:  Whine 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
Ray: Oh yeah. 
Fraser: Ahem. Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. . . Ray. 
**morning** 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray. . . [thumps Ray's head with boot] 
Ray: Time? 
Fraser: 6:30. Coffee? 
Ray: Anything happen? 
Fraser: No. 
Ray: You sleep? 
Fraser: Very little. You? 
Ray: No. What about him? 
Fraser: I don't think he's moved. 
Ray: He saw it all? Dogs, huh? They have all the fun. 
Fraser: It would seem so. . . Well, we should get going. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I'm wallowing. Give me a little time for a wallow. 
Fraser: Right you are. . . Do you take sugar when you wallow? 
Ray: One. 
**car** 
Dewey: Do you believe this guy pedaled this entire route every day? 
Huey: Pull over, will you? 
Dewey: Humm? 
Huey: Pull over. Pull over!. . . I don't know. I feel nauseous or something if I'm not driving. 
Dewey: Look, I feel nauseous if you are driving. 
Huey: But you're always - 
Dewey: Lisen, hey, let's end this right? Okay? I'm sick of this argument. Is it because you got to have a steering wheel in your hands? Is that it? 
Huey: Yes. 
Dewey: Okay, get out of the car. Right now. Get out. . . Hey, he, hey, hey, this is for your stomach. 
Huey: I suppose you think this is funny, right? You want to know something? It's not funny. It's cruel. I mean, all I said was - 
Dewey: Shhh. 
Huey: What? 
Dewey: Look at this. 
Huey: Well, well, well. The Polermo Social Club. 
**station corridor** 
Ray: Let me see if I got this right, Fraser. Luanne is a beautiful woman, therefore she must be bad. And since she's a really beautiful woman, that means she's got to be really bad. Is that how it goes inside your brain? 
Fraser: Are you sure it is my brain we are talking about? 
Frannie: Randy said this was as close as he could come. Mind you, you eyewitness hasn't slept in about six months, so he wasn't at his sharpest. 
Fraser: Hmmm. 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: You think this is a woman in disguise. 
Fraser: Well, there is something off kilter about it. 
Ray: You think she's involved, don't you? 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ray: Look, you're going to tell me this is a false moustache. 
Fraser: All right. The smudge she had on her upper lip when we went to the Tucci household could - and I say 'could' - have been the residue of spirit gum used to hold the moustache on. 
Ray: And the pillow that fell off the chair. . . 
Fraser: Might account for the description of the fat man with skinny legs. I say 'might'. 
Ray: And I suppose that cassette tape you found in the living room of her reading Sword of Desire, she used that to fool Mrs. Tucci into thinking that she was sitting in a comfy chair reading to her from across the room. . . 
Fraser: Thereby providing her with an alibi so she could slip out to the park and shoot Mr. Tucci. But as I say, Ray, this is just the purest of speculation. 
Ray: Right. So why don't we just bring her in here and grill the snot out of her? 
Fraser: Without cause, that would violate her civil rights. 
Welsh: Jack and Dewey called in. Old man Tucci used to bring his pretzels by the Palermo Social Club every day. It's a real wise guy hangout. I mean, you had to have major bones before you can even get a decaf there. Maybe he heard something. 
Ray: So you're saying this is mob-related. 
Frannie: Hello? Random. Anyone ever heard of random killings? 
Welsh: He owned a home in Lincoln Wood. Had a couple of semis in Oak Park. No mortgage. He was worth 1.7 million dollars. 
Ray: Related to the mob. 
Fraser: I would resist the temptation of jumping to conclusions, gentlemen - and lady. By way of example, Joe Obodiak was a humble janitor with a women's Christian temperance center in Eagle River, and honest as the day is long. But by the time he died, he owned a split level home, two power boats, and several expensive pairs of shoes. 
Welsh: Miss Vecchio, the phone records. I want to know what calls were made to and from the Tucci house and who made them. 
Frannie: Probably Al Capone. Did you ever stop to think this might be personal? I mean, we know this guy was worth 1.7 million dollars. So who inherits it? Did you ever think of that? 
**Tucci home** 
Fraser: Mrs. Tucci, it would appear that your husband has left everything to Franco Junior. 
Mrs. Tucci: Ah, Frankie. Frankie will take care of me. My Frankie. 
**Tucci patio** 
Ray: So what now? Did you know Mr. Tucci was worth a million and a half bucks? 
Luanne: Yeah. No, but I know he had some money. 
Ray: Do you know where he got it? 
Luanne: Well, he worked 12 hours a day for fifty years, I guess he just saved it. 
Ray: And it all goes to a guy nobody's seen for 20 years? A guy who could be dead for all anybody knows. 
Luanne: The court will direct at least half of it to us, to Mrs. Tucci for upkeep of the house and everything. She'll get the rest after he's declared legally dead. I mean, that's how it's worked, you know, for other families I've worked for. 
Ray: Right. 
Luanne: Ray, things are such a mess. 
Ray: No, they're not a mess. 
Luanne: Yeah, they are. 
Ray: You all right?. . . What? 
Fraser: Ahem. . . Ray, I'm sorry. 
**station** 
Ray: You talking to me or chewing on a brick, 'cause either way you're going to lose your teeth, freak. . . [to Luanne] Hi. 
Luanne: Hi. . . Listen, I'm sorry about, uh. . . I didn't mean to make you feel - 
Ray: No, no, no, now. That was me. I was way over the line. I was going to call you. 
Luanne: You don't have to say that. 
Ray: Okay, okay. So. . . 
Luanne: Uh, did you. . . Did the police find any money on Mr. Tucci? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Luanne: $4,000? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Luanne: It's mine. 
**interrogation room** 
Ray: So, we can talk here. 
Luanne: I have to return that to the library. What's that? 
Ray: Oh, it's our suspect. You ever seen anybody around the house who looked like that or. . . ? 
Luanne: No. It's odd-looking. 
Ray: So. . . um. . . money. . . 
Luanne: My pay. A month's pay. 
Ray: The Tucci's paid you 4,000 bucks a month cash? 
Luanne: Um-hmm. The last Friday of every month. A thousand dollars a week. I know it's illegal. I don't pay any taxes or anything. But I don't have any education or training, so I couldn't say no. 
Ray: You didn't think to ask him where he got it? 
Luanne: No. It's none of my business. The thing is, with the will being the way it is, I, um. . . We really need that money now. Can we get it? 
Ray: I don't know. I would have to ask my lieutenant. 
Luanne: I understand. I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble. 
Ray: That's okay. No trouble. 
Dief:  Arf. 
Luanne: Will I see you at the wake this afternoon? 
Ray: Yeah. I'll be there. Sure. 
Luanne: Great. 
**corridor** 
Frannie: I think what you need is a cold shower. 
Ray: I think what you need is a size D kick in the. . . Dief, what are you looking at? 
**squad room** 
Ray: It's the same plot. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Ray: Sword of Desire. Look, okay, in the book, Gabriella is a lady in waiting to an aging duchess. Then the duke dies. Follow? 
Fraser: I think so. 
Ray: Good. Cast of characters. Okay? Luanne, Gabriella. Duke, Mr. Tucci. Duchess, Mrs. Tucci. Gabriella has the duke killed so she can get hold of the castle and all the grapes. 
Fraser: Grapes? 
Ray: It's Italy. It's a wine castle. Anyway, Gandolfo shows up and all the villagers go bananas, right? 
Fraser: And Gandolfo is. . . ? 
Ray: We don't have a Gandolfo. 
Fraser: So what's the point, Ray? 
Ray: The point is, she's involved, right? She's after the old man's money, just like in the book. 
Fraser: Are you suggesting that she left the book sitting around here in some kind of subconscious desire to be caught? 
Ray: Well, it sounds dumb, but you got a better idea? 
Fraser: Maybe she just forgot it. 
Ray: What the hell are you doing with my mail, anyway? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. I just noticed that your box hasn't been emptied in about a month. To your credit it seems you've been stuck with largely with fast food menus, so I don't think any vital police work is suffering. There is also a fax that came in from the National Crime Database. They ran a check on Luanne Russell. She has a record. 
Ray: For what?. . . Phone fraud? Mail fraud?. . . She's a con artist? 
Fraser: She has been. She may not be now. 
Ray: She's a con? She likes me? What does that mean? 
**outside Tucci home** 
Huey: Luciano Siracusa. . . Milano Valecchia. . . Mrs. Tucci. . . And there is Luanne Russell. . . And that's Gino Tortelli. 
Ray: The guy that owns the Palermo Social Club, runs the east side for the Iguana family. . . Hey, who's that guy with Mrs. Tucci? 
Dewey: I don't know. 
Fraser: Perhaps we should find out. 
**Tucci home** 
Mrs. Tucci: Grazie, signorina. . . Oh, Constable Fraser. Constable, come see my Frankie. My Frankie's come home. 
Ray: Gandolfo. 
Father: It's unbelievable, my boy. You haven't changed a bit. 
Frankie: I wish that were true, Father. 
Mrs. Tucci: Frankie, Frankie, this is my friend, Constable Fraser. 
Frankie: Oh, I've heard a lot about you. 
Fraser: And I you, sir. 
Ray: Excuse me, I'm, uh - 
Fraser: Detective Vecchio. 
Frankie: Lots of police. 
Ray: Luanne? 
Luanne: Not now, Ray. 
Frankie: I'm so ashamed, Mama. I should have come home a long time ago. I should have been here. If only I could see Papa again. Ask his forgiveness. But I am never going to leave you again. 
Mrs. Tucci: Oh. . . 
Tortelli: Frankie, it's Gino Tortelli. I was a great friend of your father's. If there is anything you need, anything. . . 
Frankie: Thank you. Thank you. 
Tortelli: Welcome home, Frankie. Welcome home. 
**squad room - Fannie's desk** 
Ray: Okay, maybe it's just my suspicious nature, but a guy disappears for 20 years and then he shows up a couple of days after his father's murder just in time to inherit a million bucks? I don't . . . 
Frannie: Hey, hands off the merchandise! 
Ray: I hate this computer! 
Frannie: Well, here's why they didn't find Frankie Junior when they ran his father. 1979. Couple of chops as a juvenile. 
Ray: 'Chops'? Do you mean 'beefs'? 
Frannie: Yeah. Beefs, loins, chops, ribeye, it really doesn't matter. The point is they sealed the records and they think he also goes by the name of Sammy Franks. 
Dewey: Went by the name of Sammy Franks. 
Ray: Film at 11 or what? 
Dewey: All right. A few years back I was at the 1-9, right? One night a couple of marshals from Tucson, wearing the big cowboy hats and everything, fly in to pick up one of our collars, Nervous Nellie Martin, who was up on a murder one chop - 
Frannie [on phone]: Hang on. . . [to Ray] Did you hear that? Chops. Chops are okay. Thank you. . . [to phone] Sir? 
Huey: Chops are good. A little applesauce on the side - 
Dewey: Would you let me finish the story here? 
Huey: Sorry. Go ahead. 
Dewey: All right. So the victim is Sammy Franks, an up-and-coming mob guy, right? Attracting a lot of heat at the time. But Nellie beats the rap because they can't find enough pieces of Franks' body to identify. No body, no murder. No murder, no prison volleyball. 
Ray: So this Sammy Franks may or may not be Franco Tucci who may or may not be dead and this guy at the house may or may not be him. Is that about it? 
Fraser: I think you put it rather well, Ray. 
Frannie: Oh, I finished checking those phone numbers, and there's nothing here except a bunch of calls made to a detective agency. 
Ray: From the Tucci house? 
Frannie: Of course. 
Ray: Why would they be calling a private investigator? 
Frannie: I don't know. 
Ray: I'm going to check this out. 
Fannie: It's Apex Investigations on Van Buren. 
Ray: Van Buren? Van Buren. 
**Apex Investigations** 
Ray: So, do you know when he'll be back? 
Receptionist: He didn't say. 
Ray: Look, he's not in any trouble. I just want to ask him a couple of questions about this case I'm working on. 
Receptionist: Mr. Fahey is never in trouble with the law. He's very law abiding. He doesn't even get parking tickets. 
Ray: No tickets? Lucky guy. That's a lucky guy. Do you get tickets? 
Receptionist: Sometimes. 
Ray: I get 'em all the time. I hate 'em. But I'm a cop so, uh, those tickets you get? They could kinda, you know. . . That's a nice dress. I like that. That's very attractive. 
Receptionist: You think? 
Ray: Oh, yeah. 
Receptionist: You could leave your name and number. I mean, he checks his messages. 
Ray: Right. Well, he would have to 'cause he's in the field looking for missing persons, right? 
Receptionist: No, not really. Actually, his specialty is not finding them. 
Ray: Excuse me? 
Receptionist: Like if you wanted to declare someone legally dead? You have got to make an effort to find them. Something you can show a court. 
Ray: Right. 
**outside Tucci house** 
Frankie: It's time you got with the program. I'm in charge here and what I say goes. 
Luanne: You promised me - 
Frankie: Hey! All good things must end. You've been on the gravy train for, what, 3 years now? 
Fraser: Are you all right? 
Luanne: Constable. You startled me. Yeah, I'm all right. But something's wrong. Frankie's acting crazy. He's talking about putting Mrs. Tucci in a home. 
Fraser: Did he say where he was going? 
Luanne: To get a drink. 
Fraser: Excuse me. . . Diefenbaker, come. 
Dief:  Whine 
Fraser: I said, come. 
Dief:  Whine. 
Fraser: What do you think you are doing? You're part of a team, and on a team there is only room for one alpha dog. Now like it or lump it, that's me. Alpha. Now, come. 
Dief:  Arf. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker, stay. . . I thought you would like that. 
**street** 
Nellie: Frankie! 
Fraser: You don't want to do this. 
Nellie: Sorry, pal. 
Fraser: Think about it, Nellie. Right now I'm the only friend you have. 
Nellie: Do I know you? 
Fraser: No. 
Nellie: Who the hell are you? 
Fraser: My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I - it's not really important. What is important is that 2 years ago you were paid money to kill Sammy Franks and certain people are going to be very unhappy to discover you've missed a second time and the money, which I'm virtually certain is all gone, is, in fact, all gone. 
Nellie: Well, you got a good point. 
Fraser: Thank you. Why don't you give me the gun? I promise you the full protection of the Chicago Police Department. 
**interrogation room** 
Nellie: I want to make a deal. 
Dewey: Deal? Here's your deal. You tell us everything we want to know, okay? If we want to know the lyrics to Oklahoma, you'd better know them 'cause if you don't we're going to kick you out of here and broadcast your movements on the all-news traffic reports. You dig?
Nellie: Okay, okay. Look, all right. Okay. Fine. 
Huey: That's good. Good man. 
**squad room** 
Frannie [on phone]: Yeah. . . [to Fraser] It's Ray. 
Fraser: Ray, where are you? 
Ray: I checked the photo on his PI license application. Franco Junior's real name is Wayne Fahey. He's the PI she hired to find the long-lost son. It's a scam. 
Fraser: I don't think Miss Russell - 
Ray: I'm going over there right now to pick her up. 
Fraser: Ray, wait. 
Ray: I can pick 'em, can't I? 
**interrogation room** 
Nellie: Anyway, I'm in Phoenix and this guy comes up to me and says, I'm surprised you're showing your face. And I says, why. He says, a buddy of his just got back from Chicago, and Frankie Tucci's back in town. I says, no way. I killed the guy, you know. And he says, no, no, you know, he's walking around. And I think, geez, you know, this is an affront to my professional dignity. I mean, someone pays me good money to kill the guy, you know, bing-bing, you know, I kill him, you know? I'm a professional. Hey, if that's a crime, I'm guilty. Right? Plus the de Luca family will be trying to kill me, right? So I hop the first plane east and I start asking around and I find he's walking around and he's squeezing melons like the Godfather. 
Huey: You took a contract on Frank Tucci Junior 2 years ago in Phoenix. 
Nellie: Only he wasn't going by the name of Tucci then. He changed it 2 years ago after he left home. I got him on his boat. Blew it right out of the water. All they found of him was pieces. I guess it was pieces of somebody else. 
Huey: You're proud of it. 
Nellie: It's my job. 
**observation room** 
Welsh: So what do you got, Constable? 
Fraser: Interesting that you should ask, sir. 
**interrogation room** 
Nellie: Do your job, and I do my job. You wouldn't have a job if not for guys like me. 
Welsh: Well, Mr. Nellie, I got a couple of news bulletins for you. The good news is you were right the first time. You did kill Franco Tucci in Phoenix. The bad news is, you just ratted out the de Luca family. So if you're going to help yourself, I would start pretty quick. 
Nellie: Yeah, yeah. Okay. 
**car** 
Dewey: Fraser, you want to sit back? You're blocking the mirror. 
Fraser [on phone]: What, he's there with you now? 
Luanne: Yes, he's here and he's acting crazy. He's running around like a mad man. What's going on? 
Fraser: Get out of the house. . . [to Dewey] Go. 
**Tucci house** 
Fahey: Put it down. 
Luanne: You're not Franco. 
Fahey: You're damn right I'm not. But someone who thinks I am just tried to kill me. 
Luanne: Why? 
Fahey: I don't know. And I don't care. But you can have Franco Tucci, the money, the old lady, the whole nine yards. I'm getting out of here. 
Ray: I don't think so. Drop the gun! 
Fahey: Man, am I glad to see you. Someone just tried to kill me - 
Ray: I heard you. Now drop the gun! You put the gun on the ground! Move! Kick it over here! Kick it!. . . What I want to know is which one of you pulled the trigger? 
Luanne: What? 
Fahey: She did. The whole thing was her idea, I swear. 
Ray: Okay, both of you, on the floor. 
Luanne: Ray. . . 
Ray: On the floor! Both of you! Hands behind your head, interlock your fingers. Get down! 
**street** 
Huey: Put. . . the gun. . . down!. . . Now! 
**Tucci driveway** 
Fraser: Mr. Tucci feared that when he died, there would be no one to provide for his beloved wife, so he hired this man Fahey to help him find his long-lost son. When he showed Fahey the photograph of his son, Fahey's resemblance to Franco Junior was obvious. And that was the genesis of his scheme. He would murder Mr. Tucci, then he would impersonate the son and lay claim to the money and the property that Mr. Tucci told him awaited Franco Junior. 
Dewey: He didn't know the old man was ill and probably would die in a few months. 
Huey: And he didn't know the real Franco was a man with a price on his head. 
Fraser: The axiom would seem to hold that proper preparation prevents poor performance. 
Ray: So she had nothing to do with it. . . 
**front door** 
Ray: I don't know what to say. . . I made a mistake. . . I'm sorry. 
Luanne: Yeah, you did. 
Ray: Look, I'll talk to my lieutenant and I'll get back your 4,000 bucks. 
Luanne: I know that's good, Ray. Because as we walk along life's highway, it's nice to know that in a crunch I can just really count on you. 
Ray: Look wait a minute, I- 
**camp** 
Ray: Why couldn't I trust her? I mean, if I trusted her, I would be sitting with her tonight instead of. . .   sitting out here in the wilderness. 
Fraser: We aren't actually in the wilderness, Ray. We are in a park in the middle of downtown Chicago. 
Ray: It's not you, you know. Those things I accused you of? It's me. I mean, I looked at her. She's drop-dead beautiful. She looked at me. She's actually interested in me. And right away I - click - I start thinking, okay, so what's wrong with her? What kind of guy is that? What does that say about a guy? 
Fraser: . . . Lou Skagnetti looked at the princess who sat across the stone table in the stone cabin high atop Sulfur Mountain, and the princess smiled at him. And for a brief second, Lou Skagnetti could hear his own inner bell ring as though it were rung by a thousand angels. And he took his hand and he placed it over his heart, and Lou Skagnetti vowed that never again would he kill and eat another princess as long as he lived. . . unless, of course, she were covered in choke cherries and brown lichen and a sprinkling of dust - 
Ray: Fraser? 
Fraser: What? 
Ray: That's one dark story. 
Fraser: Yes. It is. . . The spaghetti's ready. 
Ray: Ummm. . . Where's Dief? 
**Luanne's bedroom** 
Luanne: Gabriella's chest heaved at the sight of him. His boldness made her feel like a true princess. As he came near her, she could feel the trembling of the deep inside her most secret place. . . 

End of Likely Story
 
 
 
 
 
 

Odds

**A card table** 
[Ray is undercover, overseeing the game] 
Player: Well that's it. I'm gutted. 
Denny Scarpa: Usually a half moon screws me up. Tonight, I'm lucky. Go figure. 
Player: Well it's been a bad month. It's been a bad night. Well, a bad year. 
Denny Scarpa: Hey, there's always another table. 
Player: Yeah, always another hand. 
Denny Scarpa: That's right. 
Player: Well, 'til then. 
Denny Scarpa: Thank you. 
Player: Oh any time. [He leaves] 
Denny Scarpa: C'mon Ante! [Whistles. Dog jumps onto chair] That's my lucky charm. That's a good girl. You in gentlemen? You can't win if you're not in. 
*Observation van* 
Fraser: She sounds very confident. 
Dewey: With reason. Denny Scarpa's one of the best. They call her Lady Shoes. 
Fraser: Why's that? 
Huey: She likes shoes. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Dewey: Good as she is, I think I could take her. 
Huey: Please, you think you can take her? 
Dewey: Yeah I think I could take her. And you want to know why? 
Huey: Why? 
Dewey: 'Cause she's a woman. I mean, not to disrespect the gender, but the game of poker was designed by men, for men. And that is why the men know… 
Fraser: Actually, if I'm not mistaken, poker derives from the ancient Persian game of ?Aszhnas?, which was designed as a diversion for the young women of their imperial court. 
Huey: No kidding. 
Fraser: Well, it first made it's way to North America by way of the Persian sailors who taught it to the French settlers in New Orleans. Now of course, the French added their own terms for betting to the game, such as..er…[with a French accent] "I poke you for a dollar. I poke against you for two dollars. I poke against the three of you for three dollars."…well, and so on. Eventually under the influence of the Northern or the Yankee accent, the game came to be known…as Poker. 
[During this speech we see a man setting a bomb. After Fraser finishes, the bomb blows a hole in the wall, throwing Ray across the room] 
Dewey: Go! Go! 
[Ray takes out his gun but the man kicks it out of hand. He orders Denny Scarpa to fill a bag with the money on the table. Ray leaps on him but is elbowed in the stomach. The man goes to the door, but hears the others on their way up, so he jumps out of the window. Fraser enters the room and goes to the window] 
Ray: Fraser, I would not…. 
[Fraser jumps out but lands badly] 
Ray:….do that. 
[Ray runs out the door and shoots at the guy, but he gets away] 
Ray: You alright? 
Fraser: [Still prone, in obvious pain] I'm not sure, I got….my back. 
Ray: Y'know, Fraser… 
Fraser: Mmm hmmm? 
Ray: From the second floor… 
Fraser: Mmm? 
Ray: There's always the other option. 
Fraser: Which is? 
Ray: The stairs. 
Fraser: Oh. Right, well, I'll remember that. 
Ray: You get the plate? 
Fraser: No, I was…indisposed. 
Ray: Great. That is…great. That's another night wasted. All night, for nothing. 
[Dewey and Denny Scarpa emerge from the building. Diefenbaker has taken to Denny Scarpa's dog, Ante] 
Fraser: *To Diefenbaker* Where do you thinkn you're going? 
Denny Scarpa: [To Ante] My poor baby. She hates explosives. 
Fraser: Most animals do.  [to Dief]  Dief, she's out of your league. 
Diefenbaker: Woof 
Fraser: Well, she is. 
Ray: What's with Dief? 
Fraser: I'm not sure. Might be love, then again it might just be worms. 
Ray: What's the diff? Man, I sure as hell did not think explosives. Y'know I'm supposed to be the inside guy on a simple gambling bust, so I can go to court and say to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant was raking in the cash. 
Fraser: Well Ray, it's very difficult to anticipate an exploding wall. 
Ray: Fraser, I'm paid to anticipate. 
Fraser: You can't always predict the outcome. 
[Fraser watches Denny Scarpa leave in a police van] 
Ray: Please, don't tell me you have a thing for her. 
Fraser: For who? 
Ray: You know who. Lady Shoes. 
Fraser: I don't know her. 
Ray: Exactly, and you never will. She's a card player - you never get to know a woman like that. 
Fraser: Alright, if you say so. 
Ray: Welliivvfff, that's what I just said. 
Fraser: Well I know, I heard you say that. 
Ray: Yeah, forget about it. 
[Phone rings] 
Ray: Yah. 
Welsh: [shouting] Guy blows a hole through a wall, he jumps through with a gun, and you don't get him Detective? No, not good! That's why the press is always pushing for more SWAT teams, because we got cops who don't know how to use their guns. 
[During this call, the scene switches to Welsh in his office. Frannie enters wearing a shoulder holster] 
Frannie: Ah, sir? 
Welsh: Have you got a licence for that? 
Frannie: For this? No! I'm just sort of trying… 
[She takes out the gun and points it at Welsh] 
Welsh: [Gently pushing it away from him] No, nononononono. 
Frannie: I'm just trying it out! Y'know, sort of as a preamble to wearing heat. 
[She shoots at the door - it's a water pistol] 
Frannie: I'm taking self-defence! 
Welsh: You gonna defend yourself by drowning somebody to death? 
Frannie: Well, I thought it'd be a little more humane than, y'know, blinding some guy or kicking him in the….uh, y'know…the nether regions. 
Welsh: The nether regions? 
Frannie: Yeah, well…um. Actually sir, I'm…um…I'm kinda wearing this for a different reason. 
Welsh: Passion. 
Frannie: No. Uh…I've sorta been thinking about the...um…the academy. 
Welsh: You wanna become a cop? 
Frannie: Well…become a cop, I don't know about that. I'm just…um…I'm just, y'know, really, sort of, basically… uh… tossing it around in my mind until I can … um … resolve the uniform issue. 
Welsh: The uniform issue? 
Frannie: Yeah, well, my head is shaped a little weird and I can't really wear a hat. I was the only girl at my first communion at our Lady of Immaculate Conception who couldn't wear a veil. 
Welsh: Well…uh…y'know, that would be a problem. 
Frannie: Yeah, but…um…until I work that out I…I was just hoping that, y'know, maybe you could steer me in the right direction. 
Welsh: Sure, I can give you all the advice you need to get into the academy.  I don't know what I can do about this hat thing. 
Frannie: That's great! That's…that's fine! I'll…I'll worry about the hat thing. That's… thankyou. Um, sir…yeah, do you…do you think we could… um… y'know, just sorta keep this under… 
Welsh: Under our hats? 
Frannie: Well, yeah. Until…In case it doesn't really work out, y'know.   Thank you. 
**Interrogation room** 
Dewey: Look like you might be here a while, so can I get you a coffee or a tea? 
Denny Scarpa: Yeah, I'll take a coffee. Black. 
Dewey: Black. 
Denny Scarpa: It's gonna be hard to drink it with… [rattles cuffs] …these on. 
**Corridor** 
Welsh: Alright, where is she now? 
Ray: Uh, she's in Interview 1. She's not being very helpful - said she didn't see the guy. 
Welsh: She's trying to cut a deal? 
Ray: Uh…can't tell. I brought up those assault charges from the poker game in Arkansas. I said you'll do time, she said…so, I'll do time. 
Welsh: Not easy to scare Denny Scarpa. This ????? I know, his cousin sat in on one of her tables, supposed to be 10 years ago. Even then she had ice water in her veins. 
Ray: Uh…she claims we tried to kill her. 
Fraser: Well, she does have a point, Ray. 
Ray: No, she doesn't have a point, she's…uh…just pissed that she didn't make me for a cop. 
Welsh: Point is that she doesn't identify this guy, she's not a material witness. 
Ray: She was looking right at him. 
Welsh: Oh, so she's lying? Why? 
Ray: Uh…hiding something. 
Fraser: Perhaps she's frightened. 
Welsh: Yeah, well, maybe I'd better go talk to this legend. See who's got the better bluff. 
[Fraser turns but wrenches his back] 
Fraser: Mmmm! 
Welsh: What? What! Back? 
Fraser: Yah. 
Welsh: Back. Put your hands on the desk… 
Fraser: Mm hmm. 
Welsh…uh-huh, take you knee… 
Fraser: Mmmmm! 
Welsh:…now breathe. 
Fraser: Hoooo! 
Welsh: Breathe! 
Fraser & Ray: Hoooo! Hoooo! 
[2 Feds enter] 
White: Agent White. 
Exley: Agent Exley. 
Welsh: Oh Feds. 
White: You want us to come back after yoga, gentlemen? 
Exley: You're Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
White: First came to Chicago on the trail of his Father's…. 
Welsh: Yes he is. Now what do you want? 
Exley: Denny Scarpa. 
Welsh: When we've finished. 
White: It's been cleared. [Gives Welsh a piece of paper] 
**Interview room** 
Huey: I play a little poker. 
Dewey: Me too. 
Denny Scarpa: Of course you do. All cops play poker. A little poker. 
Dewey: A little poker? What's that supposed to mean? 
Denny Scarpa: I'm just stating the facts, gentlemen. Card? 
[She beats them] 
Denny Scarpa: Not quite good enough. Next. 
[She beats them every time] 
Dewey: No one can be that lucky. 
Denny Scarpa: Are you insinuating that I cheat, detective? 
[Welsh enters] 
Welsh: Gentlemen, take five. 
White: Agent White. 
Exley: Agent Exley. 
[Huey, Dewey and Welsh leave] 
Huey: Nice suits 
Exley: So, Denny Scarpa. 
Denny Scarpa: And you are? 
White: Coupla guys who might be able to help you out. 
Denny Scarpa: In exchange for… 
Exley: You give us Alex Farah. 
**Corridor** 
White: Hang onto her 
Exley: You clear it with Welsh. 
Denny Scarpa: Mind if I use the ladies? 
[White and Exley do some kind of secret nod] 
Exley: Yeah it's alright. 
Denny Scarpa: Ok. Ante! 
**Welsh's office** 
White: We're gonna cut a deal. 
Welsh: Oh. Imagine our surprise. 
White: She's got a game set up. We got word that one of the guys we're looking for is gonna be there. Alex Farah. He's suspected of extortion, market fraud, murder. He's a card player. Been out of the country for a coupla years but he's coming back for a grudge match against Scarpa. We'd like to put in an appearance. 
Ray: Well Farah sounds rough. Why don't you just get Scarpa to tell you where the game is, y''now, and... 
White: The lady's the attraction. He doesn't want to just play poker, he wants to go toe to toe with Lady Shoes. She doesn't show, he doesn't show. It's been a pleasure. 
[He leaves] 
**Ladies room** 
[A civilian aide enters, wearing a poncho] 
Denny Scarpa: Hi. 
CA: Hi. [Takes off poncho] Ah, sure feels good to get that thing off. 
Denny Scarpa: Yeah. Traffic bad? 
CA: A cop cut me off. You believe that? 
Denny Scarpa: Mm hmm [they laugh. CA goes into a cubicle, Denny Scarpa leaves in her poncho.] 
White: We're all set. Where's Scarpa? 
Exley: The restroom. 
CA: Hey, where's my poncho? 
Exley: Will you excuse me for a moment?  [He goes into the ladies' room] 
Exley: Agent White? 
**Welsh's office** 
Ray: She saw him Lieutenant, all we have to do is, um… 
Frannie: Sir? Scarpa got away. The feds let her go to the bathroom and she… 
White & Exley: She outwitted us. 
Frannie: Yah. 
Welsh: You want me to call the bureau, or you guys think you can handle that? 
White: I think we should take a look at this from another angle Lieutenant.  You find her… 
Exley: We don't tell the bureau that your station house lost a federal asset. 
[They leave] 
Welsh: Well, I guess we'd better find her. 
Ray: How? 
**Street** 
[Fraser and Ray are following Ante and Diefenbaker] 
Ray: Fraser, you think this is one of your good ideas, following around the wolf? 
Fraser: It's the only lead we have, Ray. 
**Apartment building** 
DM: [Whistles] No dogs in the building! 
Ray: Says who? 
DM: Me 
Ray: You are? 
DM: The guy who keeps the dogs out of the building. 
Ray: And that, uh..what about that dog? *indicating Ante* 
DM: Well, that dog's different. That dog I know, this dog I don't know. 
Ray: Well, this dog's with me. 
DM: Yeah, and who are you? 
Ray: Chicago PD. Where does this dog live? 
DM: 1410, but she's never in. 
[They go into the elevator] 
Ray: Who, the dog? 
DM: She's not a dog. No, she's got legs that go, uh, all the way to the top.  But like I said, she's never in. 
Ray: Good, I'll leave a note. Out. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
**Apartment**. 
[Denny Scarpa is with the guy who did the robbery] 
Denny Scarpa: Not so smart to come here, Joey. 
Joey: Well you're ok, you got out of it. 
Denny Scarpa: Yeah, I took care of it. But the game is still on. 
Joey: What for? We got plenty of money. 
Denny Scarpa: Just one more time. 
Joey: It's dangerous. 
**Corridor** 
Fraser: We aren't really going to leave a note, are we. 
Ray: No. We're gonna break in, look through her personal possessions and use her can without a warrant. 
**Inside** 
[Denny Scarpa and Joey are kissing] 
Denny Scarpa: Just one more time, and then we can be together always. 
[She hears Diefenbaker barking] 
Denny Scarpa: Joey, take this. [She gives him a gun] 
[Ray and Fraser enter] 
Ray: Look generally it's not a great bet to come back to your place of residence once you've escaped police custody. 
[Joey runs out from behind the door. Fraser and Ray give chase. He shoots and Fraser then runs downstairs. Fraser follows him into an alley, but then sees a car coming straight for him. Ray runs into the alley and sees the car. He tries to turn and run away, but he is lifted to safety by Fraser who is hanging from a pole above the alley. The car passes underneath.] 
Fraser: I'm sorry! 
[He drops Ray, then falls himself] 
Fraser: Ow! 
Ray: Damnit, Fraser, if you were gonna drop a guy, you gotta say something first like, 'Ray, I'm gonna drop ya'. 
Fraser: I'm sorry Ray, but with my back being the way it is, it was extremely difficult to hang on. 
Ray: Ok, I guess I'll let it go this time. You get a plate? 
Fraser: No, I was otherwise occupied. 
Ray: I guess I gotta do everything. 
Fraser: Oh, so you got the plate then? 
Ray: No, I did not get the plate, Fraser, but… 
Fraser: Alright, well what did you get? 
Ray: I got the girl. 
[Fraser and Ray stand.  Still holding hands, they look up] 
**Apartment**  [Denny Scarpa is handcuffed by her ankle to a table leg] 
**Street** 
Denny Scarpa: People lose money they carry grudges. It's a danger that comes with the territory. It's just never been this close. 
Fraser: You say you've never seen this man before. You've never played with him? 
Denny Scarpa: Hm mmm [Shakes head] 
Fraser: Likely he was hired by a third party. Uh, if you don't mind me saying so, you pursue a very dangerous occupation. 
Denny Scarpa: And the strange thing is, I wanted to be a physician. I was in premed at NYU, and one weekend sat down at an open table in Atlantic City. Put my textbooks in the garbage can and I never looked back. 
Fraser: Do you regret it? 
Denny Scarpa: After this thing? Yes. 
[She gets into the GTO] 
Ray: Watch your head. Don't tell me Fraser, she is one great lady. She feeds starving children so we're gonna have to stick out our skinny necks. 
Fraser: Oh, I'm not sure about the starving children Ray, but… 
Ray: You're a good guy, Fraser, and one of the good thing about you is you take people at face value. She's different. She is a card shark. 
Fraser: Ray, we know that this man is dangerous, and that he probably came here to eliminate a witness, and if that's the case he'll undoubtedly try again. Furthermore, in the absence of a hard and fast deal if we hand her over to the federal agents it's unlikely that her protection will be a high priority. 
Ray: Do not fall for her, Fraser. 
Fraser: We have to protect her. 
Ray: Do not fall for her. 
Fraser: I'm not. 
Ray: All right. What's the plan? 
**Consulate bedroom** 
[Fraser is giving Denny Scarpa a pair of his longjohns] 
Fraser: Of course, I'm not…uh, well, I'm not sure what it is that you actually wear when you're not wearing any clothes. I mean, when you're…uh…This may not be appropriate. 
Denny Scarpa: No, it's perfect. Thankyou. *pause* Are you just gonna stand there and watch me, or… 
Fraser: Oh, I'm…I'm sorry. 
[He leaves. He goes into the corridor. Enter Thatcher, who has obviously been drinking. She is giggly and very friendly - touching Fraser a lot] 
Thatcher: Fraser! Fraser, Fraser, Fraser, Fraser, Fraser. Off duty and still working. You really gotta learn to relax. I mean, look at me. How do…How do  I seem? 
Fraser: How do you seem, sir? 
Thatcher: Yeah. I mean, do I seem tense to you? 
Fraser: Uh, no sir. You appear to be very loose-limbed. 
Thatcher: That would be the Latin influence. *A car toots* That would be a Latin horn. 
Fraser: A Latin horn. 
Thatcher: I gotta pee. I was having tapas with the Spanish Ambassador. He's remarkably ??????, learned, well-read and really, really, really hot bodied. 
[A man enters and begins singing] 
Thatcher: See what I mean? Um, we're gonna continue…um, I…um. I have a really high level, power..um…meeting at 0900 hours, so I'm gonna be late. 
*She leaves* 
[Fraser is sitting at his desk. Denny Scarpa, wearing the longjohns places some cards on his desk and they begin to play.] 
Fraser: You handle cards very well. 
Denny Scarpa: That's what I do. 
Fraser: Are you naturally lucky, or do you cheat? 
Denny Scarpa: That depends on how you define cheating. [She looks at Ante and Diefenbaker snuggled up together] Looks cosy, doesn't it? 
[Fraser tries to look but wrenches his back] 
Denny Scarpa: Is it sore? Is it here? 
Fraser: Yes. 
[Denny Scarpa starts massaging Fraser's back] 
Denny Scarpa: I used to do this for my Dad when he'd get home working late.  My kid brother too. Do you have a brother? 
Fraser: No. 
Denny Scarpa: Sister? 
Fraser: No. 
Denny Scarpa: It's tough when they can't take care of themselves. My kid brother was just opne mess after another. And right here? 
Fraser: Mm hmm. You handle muscles well also. Do you mind if I ask you a question? 
Denny Scarpa: Nu-uh. 
Fraser: Are you protecting someone? 
Denny Scarpa: Just myself and my dog. 
Fraser: Sounds very lonely. 
Denny Scarpa: You tell me. 
Fraser: Are you suggesting are situations are similar? 
Denny Scarpa: Both outsiders, one step ahead of everybody else. Yeah, I think so. 
Fraser: What do you plan to do about the FBI and Mr Farah. 
Denny Scarpa: If I can't cut a deal I'll face charges, and if I can cut a deal I'll face Farah. Either way I'm kinda boxed in. 
Fraser: It's a dangerous game. 
Denny Scarpa: Life is a dangerous game. The trick is to minimise the risk. 
Fraser: And how do you plan to minimise the risk in the game with Farah? 
Denny Scarpa: I'd have to have someone with me. Someone I could trust. 
Fraser: Someone like me, you mean? 
Denny Scarpa: You would be perfect. 
[Knock at the door] 
Fraser: I should answer that. 
Denny Scarpa: You're bluffing, right? 
Fraser: No I never bluff. Excuse me. 
[Opens door] 
Ray: This is Tommy, our sketch artist. [He sees Denny Scarpa] Uh, don't you feel a little...uh...naked without the…uh…longjohns? 
Fraser: I have several pair. 
Ray: Mm. Uh, ballistics was positive with the gun. The guy who was shooting at us was the same guy who took down the game. 
Tommy: [Looking at the wood panelling on the walls] This is nice. Really nice. 
Fraser: Thankyou. 
Tommy: Real wood and everything. 
Ray: Tommy doesn't get out much. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Ray: This is your witness. 
Tommy: The woman? 
Ray: Right. 
[Tommy and Denny Scarpa are working on a picture] 
Ray: Blind as a bat. Damn he knows his way around a pencil. Fraser, uh, you know what the hell you're doing? 
Fraser: What is it you think I'm doing? 
Ray: Uh, you tell me. You're the one who's got a shark swimming around in your underwear. 
Fraser: It's purely a matter of practicality, Ray. Her clothes were not particularly conducive to sleeping. 
Ray: Oh, so you just had to take 'em off. 
Fraser: No, she managed that all by herself. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, all I'm trying to say here is this woman is a dangerous customer. I mean, she's covering angles, she's looking at the odds, she's looking for insurance. This is not the, y'know, little girl from the igloo next door. 
Fraser: You think she's protecting someone? 
Ray: Yeah, maybe, boyfriend. 
Fraser: But we have no proof of that. 
Ray: Oh man is she reeling you in. 
Fraser: Well, why do you say that? 
Ray: Would you be so diplomatic if she wasn't such a beautiful woman? 
Fraser: Certainly. 
Ray: Awful thing is I believe you. 
Tommy: [Caressing the banister] Mahogany. Hold on! 
Fraser: Admittedly I did only catch a glimpse of him and he was wearing a hat, but I was quite sure his hair was dark. 
Denny Scarpa: No, I'm pretty sure it was blonde. This is him. 
Ray: [To Tommy] Uh, get that out on the wire. [He leaves in the wrong direction] Tommy! Tommy. [Ray shows him the way out] 
Tommy: Real cherrywood. Wow. 
Denny Scarpa: Well, goodnight. Dief! Ante! 
Fraser: Goodnight 
Ray: Night 
[Bell rings] 
White: Agent White 
Exley: Agent Exley 
White: Where is she? 
Ray: No idea. 
Exley: Is that why you needed a sketch artist this evening? 
Ray: Well, the thing of it is, I love art, paintings mostly. A sculpture does not turn my crank…uh…but I love oils and watercolours, and…. 
[Denny Scarpa appears behind Ray and Fraser] 
Ray: Hey now! Where the heck did she come from? 
White: You just brought yourself some trouble. 
Fraser: Trouble? 
White&Exley: With a capital T. 
**Welsh's office** 
White&Exley: We're filing charges. 
Welsh: What charges? 
Exley: Harbouring a fugitive for starters. 
Welsh: Well she's our fugitive. Maybe he was just holding her.
Exley: In the Canadian Consulate? 
Welsh: A bit unorthodox. 
White: I don't want to hear about it. 
Exley: We're taking her, right now. 
Welsh: Or else what? 
White: We'll take your boy here instead. 
Ray: Boy? 
Fraser: Ah Gentlemen, I think I may have a solution to this. 
White: What? 
Fraser: Well I've spoken to Miss Scarpa, and I believe that she'll agree to co-operate with you on one condition. 
Exley: Condition being? 
Fraser: She wants someone at the table that she can trust. 
White: You? 
Exley: She trusts you? 
Fraser: I believe she does, yes. 
White&Exley: You're on. [cellphones ring] 
White: Agent White 
Exley: Agent Exley 
Ray: Fraser, you don't know how to play poker. 
Fraser: No, I…Well I'm not entirely unfamiliar with it, Ray. Although perhaps a refresher course in some of the fundamentals might be a good idea. 
Is an ace still considered a high card? 
[Everyone is sitting around a table] 
Ray: Okay, this is retarded. You cannot learn to play poker in one night and hope to beat a shark. 
Fraser: Possibly. Although, y'know, one time I did manage to learn almost all of Milton's Paradise Lost in a single evening. Of course, my chances for survival were very slim at the time, I had to keep my mind very focused…. 
Ray: Up! Prove it. 
Fraser: Prove what? 
Ray: Do the…uh…Paradise Lost thing. 
Fraser: Of mans first disobedience in the fruit of that forbidden tree who's mortal taste brought death into the world and all our woe… 
Ray: Okay, okay, okay. Mabe we got a shot. Okay, lets get down to basics.  Poker is a game of money and deception. 
Welsh: Penalties go to the weak, rewards go to the strong. 
Huey: In poker, you're on your own. 
Dewey: The loser makes himself a loser. 
Ray: And the winner makes himself a winner. 
Fraser: I see, and where do the cards fit into this? 
Ray: Uh...the cards are incidental. Think about it this way - Poker is sheer justice. 
[Ray deals] 
Ray: Okay, low card brings it in. 
[They ante up] 
Ray: Okay, we are on fourth street. 
[Frannie enters and starts circling the table, nibbling on the candy they're using to bet] 
Frannie: I bet my salary on Fraser...a year's worth. Hi Frase.
Fraser: Francesca 
Welsh: That would be illegal Miss Vecchio. 
Frannie: Why? 
Welsh: The state of Illinois has laws against illegal gaming, okay. Betting on poker, even a small sum such as your salary would be considered illegal. 
Frannie: Well that's just stupid. 
Welsh: Well, stupid or not it's the law and you should know the law if you wanna become a... 
[Frannie hits his shoulder] 
Frannie: Hey sir, watch your cards there. 
Fraser: If you want to become a what, Francesca? 
Frannie: Um...nothing. I was just musing, hypothetically. Can't, ah, gamble since I can't break the law. 
Ray: Oh yeah, since when? [About the game] Down and dirty. 
Frannie: This morning. 
Fraser: Oh, ah...do I still have to bet? 
The guys [in unison]: Yes! 
Fraser: But I've already won. It would seem to be gloating. [They all put down their cards] Well, it would seem that I have a blush and four low. 
Welsh: Constable, you have a flush and it takes high and you cant do that. You can't be bluffing when you're not bluffing. 
Fraser: I wasn't bluffing sir, I was just telling the truth. 
Ray: Poker is not about the truth. 
Welsh: It's about deception Constable. 
Huey: You stink Fraser. 
Fraser: Of what? 
The guys [in unison]: The truth! 
**Welsh's office** 
[Ray and Welsh are sitting on his couch.] 
Welsh: Do you think Frase is up to this? 
Ray: As long as he doesn't have to lie. 
Welsh: Or bluff. 
Ray: Or hold. 
Welsh: I guess cheating is out of the question. 
Ray: Imagine living like that. 
Both: Forget about it! 
Welsh: How 'bout those feds? 
[They break out into laughter] 
**Jail Cell** 
[Denny is sleeping with Ante and Diefenbaker at her feet. Fraser walks over to the cell, thinks she's asleep and turns to leave] 
Denny Scarpa: [Getting up] Leaving? 
Fraser: [Returning] I thought you were sleeping. 
Denny Scarpa: You've been up all night. 
Fraser: Hmm...As have you? [Scarpa nods] Are you nervous about tomorrow? 
Denny Scarpa: Yeah, I'm scared. I had a run in with Farah a couple of years back. He's a tough guy. He'll have bodyguards. Anything can happen. 
Fraser: You think something will happen? 
Denny Scarpa: I don't know. I'm a card player, not a psychic. 
Fraser: You know sometimes telling the truth is the only way out. 
Denny Scarpa: [Walking over to him so that only the cell bars separate them] You know, you'll never make a poker player. 
Fraser: Actually I, ah...I won a bag of candy. [Takes out the bag of candy] 
Denny Scarpa: Anyone can win when the stakes don't matter. 
Fraser: True enough. [They both eat some of the candy] I took the liberty of looking into your record. 
Denny Scarpa: Of course. 
Fraser: You were arrested for assault in connection with a knifing at a poker game in Arkansas. 
Denny Scarpa: When in Rome. 
Fraser: And you confessed to the stabbing even though witnesses at the scene said your brother Larry actually committed the crime. 
Denny Scarpa: Witnesses can be wrong. 
Fraser: Or you could have been protecting your brother. He had a record. A judge would have been stern with him. 
Denny Scarpa: You look out for your family. Larry...he couldn't look out for himself. 
Fraser: What color is his hair? 
Denny Scarpa: Dark...was...Larry's dead. He couldn't let things go. He ran into another man in Bakersfield who couldn't let things go and I wasn't there to help him. [Moves closer to him]  Are you testing me? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Denny Scarpa: Can I trust you? 
Fraser: Mmm hmm 
[She touches his face and draws him closer, and kisses him] 
Denny Scarpa: Then why can't you trust me? 
Fraser: Who says I don't? I should go. [Hands her the bag of candy and leaves] 
**Men's Room** 
[Fraser is splashing water on his face. Ray enters] 
Fraser: You know my father used to say that...duty was a passion. Maybe the only one that really counted. 
Ray: You have no duty here Fraser, all you got is risk. What if you start to sweat and Farah twigs to the scam. I mean, anything could go down 
Fraser: Well, I'm aware there are risks. 
Ray: You know Fraser, uh...when I was in college, um, I used to go to the track and play the horses. Uh...One day I was down there and I met this chick form, ah...Albany. She had a good line and I bought it - hook, line, sinker, you know. Before she left, she'd taken everything. 
Fraser: You think I'm confusing duty with passion? 
Ray: No. I think that, um, there's a lot of things that you can do with a woman like this, but trusting them is not one of 'em. 
Fraser: Who says I trust her? 
Ray: You telling me everything? You can back out, you know. 
Fraser: No, I can't do that. 
**Walking through the Precinct corridor and bullpen** 
Fraser: Ah, Francesca, I wonder if you'd mind looking up some information for me? 
Frannie: Sure Frase, but first, can I ask you a question about your work? 
Fraser: Well of course I'll try to answer, but as a member of the RCMP I have taken an oath of secrecy as a consequence, there are certain matters that I am bound not to discuss. 
Frannie: What do you mean? Like about the Queen and Inspector Thatcher? 
Fraser: Well I am loyal to them both, however actually I was referring to... well discussions of matters that might compromise national security. 
Frannie: Oh. 
Fraser: So, what do you want to know? 
Frannie: Yeah, um...is the hat really necessary? 
Fraser: Absolutely essential. [Puts on hat] This is the information I require.  [Hands her a piece of paper] Thank you kindly. [Walks away] 
Ray: What were you guys just talking about? 
Frannie: Nothing.  Head gear. 
Ray: C'mon, he just gave you a piece of paper. Wha, wha...what was on the paper? 
Frannie: Nothing Ray...he just wanted me to look over a few things for him. Why? Is that a crime too? Because...because if that's a crime as well then...there's jus...way too many crimes... I can't get all these crimes in my head... I'm going to have to re-think the whole thing. 
Ray: You do that. You think. Tha, tha...that would be a good hobbie for you. 
**Hallway leading to Denny's hotel room** 
Denny Scarpa: Alright I have to get ready now. I can't eat on game day, I can't use mint toothpaste, I can't face any corner of the room for more than 10 seconds and I can't smell a man until I sit at the table. So, you both are going to have to leave. 
Ray: I knew gamblers were superstitious, but... 
Denny Scarpa:  It's not superstition, it's discipline and discipline is part of the game. 
Ray: And this discipline works? 
Denny Scarpa: I win. [Closing her door] 
Fraser: I think I'll stay here. 
Ray: Yeah, I'll go cover the rear exit. Wake me if anything happens. 
**Inside apartment**  [Denny checks bullets in a revolver] 
**Hotel Hallway** 
[Fraser is in Red Serge] 
Dewey: He can't wear a tuxedo 
Huey: Why not? 
Dewey: Because he'll look like a waiter at Chico's 
Welsh: Only if it's light blue. 
Huey: It's not blue, it's black...and beautiful. Just like me. 
Ray: He's gotta look expensive, like the boys in Vegas. 
Welsh: Vegas? They wear track suits. 
Ray: Yeah, but he's gotta look like he knows what he's doing. He's gotta look slick. He's gotta look... 
[They turn down hallway. Fraser is now in a black tuxedo.] 
Ray: ...good. You look good. You look, uh... sharp. 
Huey: Tres sharp 
Welsh: Yeah, real fashion plate Constable. Look, here's your stake, courtesy of Chicago PD. 
[Cell phone rings, Ray answers.] 
Ray: Yeah, Vecchio. 
Welsh: Now understand that anything you earn over that belongs to Chicago Police Department 
Fraser: Ah...yes sir. 
Welsh: Now lets check out the set up. [Enters room] 
Dewey: You want another card and the dealer's smiling...don't take it. [Enters room] 
Huey: And if the guy next to you smells like bacon bits, definitely see him and raise him. [Enters room] 
Ray: That was Frannie. She got the information you wanted. Curious? 
Fraser: I'd appreciate it. 
Ray: Two years ago Farah played a game in Bakersfield. The night ended with a homicide. That was the last time Farah was seen in the country. The deceased was a guy named Lawrence Packard. What does that mean? 
Welsh: [Popping his head out the room] Alright, showtime. Let's go detective. Good luck Constable. 
[Inside the hotel room. There are about 20 FBI agents in suits looking at the video feed of another hotel room where the gambling is going to take place. The vantage point switches back and forth from actually inside the room with the gamblers to the video feed of the gamblers observed by the FBI agents and Chicago PD officers.] 
Welsh: Is he alright? 
Ray: I don't know, he's a little whacked. 
Exley: Here's our next player. This one's Malone 
White: Out of Oklahoma.Oil money. Plays the Circuit. 
Exley: Runner up, '95 World Championships, Reno. 
White: Next guest. 
Fraser: Good evening. [Looks around room, walks over to wet bar] Ah, cider...Thank you kindly. [Smells drink] Whoa, stiff apples. 
White: Mountie's in place. 
Exley: Nice Tux. 
White: For a rental. 
Huey: Hey, I own that tux. 
Exley: What do you charge? 
[Knock on gambling room door. Body guard enters followed by Farah.] 
White: Here we go. 
Exley: It's Farah. Games on. 
Steel Eyes: Name's Carson. Steel-Eyes Carson. Still cold up there in Canada? 
Fraser: Well, it can be, yes. 
Farah: [to Denny] Delighted. [Kisses her hand] 
Denny Scarpa: Glad you can make it. Gentlemen, shall we get started? 
Steel Eyes: I went North once. Looking for bear. Froze my little toe. 
Fraser: You know, Steel-eyes, extremities are often insufficiently protected against the challenge of the Northern Winter. As a matter of fact I once knew a man who lost the crotch of his pants on a barbed-wired fence and later that night, a particularly harsh night, he almost lost his, uh... that's a...that's another story. Where's everyone else from? 
All: Miami. 
Ray: We'd better go in. 
White: That's not the protocol, detective. 
Ray: It's not the what? 
White: We're pursuing the "AC" strategy. 
Welsh: AC? 
Exley: Al Capone. 
White: We got witnesses lined up to testify against Farah. 
Exley: No one will testify unless he's in custody. 
White: So we'll nail him on gaming, but to get this charge to stick... 
Exley: Farah's got to take a pot. 
Steel Eyes: You in? 
Fraser: Well let me see...There's fifty-two cards in a deck, four cards in any given suit. Now what is the possibility of getting three of those four cards in a seven-hand game, with none of them showing, um... Well I don't think the odds can be any greater than 1 in 2,756. 
Joey: Are you playing, or talking? 
Denny Scarpa: Let him bet, Joey. 
[Fraser wins the first hand.] 
Fraser: Terribly sorry. 
White: What's your man doing? 
Welsh: He's winning. 
Fraser: There is something compelling about having vast quantities of money coming in one's direction, isn't there? 
[Ray laughs] 
Exley: This is not good. 
White: Farah has to take a pot. 
Exley: We can't take Farah. 
Farah: 1,000 
Steel Eyes: Looks like the makings of a flush to Steel Eyes. 
Fraser: Steel Eyes. That's an interesting moniker, Mr. Carson. Perhaps I should adopt a nickname. 
Farah: We could call you Big Mouth. 
Fraser: That would seem to be apt. And you're known as Lady Shoes, I believe. 
Denny Scarpa: Some people call me that. 
Fraser: And your last name, Scarpa, that's not your name from birth, is it? 
Denny Scarpa: Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. 
Fraser: Ah. If I'm not mistaken, uh... your given name was actually Packard. 
Farah: Packard? 
Ray: Packard? 
Welsh: What's he doing? 
[Ray shakes his head.] 
Fraser: Truly fascinating game, poker. Very few pursuits so effortlessly combine money, deception, truth... And so often, the real stakes far exceed what's actually on the table. 
Ray: He's showing his hand, we gotta go. 
White: We sit tight. 
Fraser: By way of example, only recently heard of a game that was played in Bakersfield. 
Joey: Who cares? 
Fraser: The stakes were so high they resulted in a homicide. A man by the name of Lawrence Packard. Cards? 
[Farah signals bodyguard and Ray recognizes Joey] 
Ray: This is the guy from the takedown. 
Exley: What are you talking about? 
Ray: It's a set up, you morons. Packard was her brother. Denny's here to take out Farah and Joey is the trigger man. Let's move, now! 
White: We sit tight. 
Ray: We move NOW! [Leaves room] 
White: Hold your positions, men. 
Fraser: Mr. Farah, you were at Bakersfield, were you not? 
Farah: [Throws cards at Fraser] What kind of game are you playing? 
Fraser: I believe it's called poker. 
[Ray takes position on sky roof directly over the game table. Fraser sees his reflection in a serving tray and thumbs his nose. Ray returns the signal.] 
Welsh: We move. [Welsh and the duck boys leave room] 
[Farah snaps fingers and bodyguard draws gun. Ray crashes through the skylight. The FBI agents and police charge the room and start arresting everyone.] 
White: Federal Agents, nobody moves. 
Dewey: Freeze, Chicago PD. 
Fraser: Thank you Ray. 
Ray: No problem, Fraser. 
Welsh: Drop it. Move and you're dead. 
[Fraser notices that Denny is missing. He finds her out on the ledge just in time to catch her arm as she falls off. Denny yells as she is caught.] 
Fraser: You play a dangerous game. 
Denny Scarpa: (panting) Farah killed my brother. 
Fraser: And so you ordered Joey to kill Farah. 
Denny Scarpa: Just trying to even out the game. 
Fraser: Using me in the process. 
Denny Scarpa: You could have let me go. 
Fraser: Who says I won't let you go now? 
Denny Scarpa: You're bluffing. 
Fraser: I never bluff. 
[Fraser switches the hand that he is holding on to her with suddenly and she let's out a scream.] 
Denny Scarpa: [panting] I thought you said you didn't bluff. 
Fraser: I'm learning. 
[Fraser pulls her up with both hands.] 
**precinct, Ray's desk** 
[Fraser and Ray are playing cards.] 
Ray: So she's off to club Fed. Five card, one draw. What tipped you off? 
Fraser: Well there was something about her manner at the hotel room that suggested that she wasn't truly in any mortal peril. Also, she claimed to have been a medical student at New York University, but there was no record to support that claim. What's the ante? 
Ray: I don't know, we'll uh...play for air. 
Fraser: All right. Ante is in. In addition, when she was kissing me... 
Ray: Wait a minute. You kissed her? 
Fraser: Well no, she kissed me. 
Ray: What was it like? 
Fraser: The kiss? Delightful. 
Ray: Why didn't you tell me? 
Fraser: That the kiss was delightful? 
Ray: Not the kiss, not the kiss. That you suspected her. 
Fraser: Well I wasn't sure. And as you had instructed me, there are certain cards that are better left hidden until they are absolutely needed. 
Ray: So, you were bluffing. 
Fraser: Evading. 
Ray: Bluffing. 
Fraser: Delaying. 
Ray: Bluffing. 
Fraser: Equivocating. 
Ray: Bluffing. 
Fraser: Bluffing. 
Ray: Thank you.  What do you think the odds are that in this universe, Francesca will take to that dog? 
Fraser: Oh...Difficult to compute. But Ante needs a good home and Francessca has a good heart. 
Ray: How many cards? 
Fraser: I'll take none, thank you. 
Ray: None. 
Fraser: None. 
Ray: Okay, two can play that game...I'll take none too. Bet? 
Fraser: A hundred. 
Ray: Of? 
Fraser: A hundred of air. 
Ray: Okay, I'll see your hundred and I raise you fifty. 
Fraser: All right, I will see that fifty and I'll call. 
Ray: What do you have? 
Fraser: Once again, a crowded home. 
Ray: House. 
Fraser: Crowded House. 
Ray: Full House. 
Fraser: Full house, full house. I'll take that air now, Ray. 
Ray: I'm tapped out. 
Fraser: I'll accept an I.O.U. 
Ray: An I.O.U. on air? 
Fraser: I want you to honor your wager. 
Ray: That's stupid. 

End of Odds
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Ladies' Man

[Ray’s car] 

Ray: Fraser, what are you doing? 

Fraser: [going very slow] Well I’m driving. [cheery wave to the guy cursing him from the other car] 

Ray: This is not driving, this is walking with a vehicle. 

Fraser: I’m going the posted limit. 

Ray: That is my point. Nobody goes the posted limit. You keep this up and we’ll get smacked from behind and I’ll have to explain to my father why the car got wrecked while the Mountie was driving it after he dragged it here from Arizona like a dozen eggs. 

Fraser: You must say hello to your father for me by the way. 

Ray: Look, you can do that yourself. He’s staying at this trailer park out at Skokie. Altho he doesn’t know if he can hack the winter. 

Fraser: And how’s your mother? 

Ray: She can hack the winter. She comes in everyday to iron my shirts. 

Fraser: Oh what a thoughtful gesture. 

Ray: You kidding? Crispy shirts. Look like I work in a bank? 

Fraser: That’s a bad thing I take it? 

Ray: Yeah. I mean it clashes with my uh --- 

Fraser: Persona? Aura? Style? 

Ray: Exactly. Style counts Fraser.  Like what you’re doing right now? This is auntie style. 

Fraser: You just asked me to be careful. 

Ray: Careful. Not stationary. Stop the car, let me show you how to do it. 

Fraser: I’ve ridden with you many times Ray. 

Ray: Ridden yes. Studied, no. learned? No. stop the car. 

Fraser: As you wish. [trading places without getting out of car] 

Ray: Okay. Good driving is like a vocation. Part brain part magic, part guts, part ESP. Watch the shoulder. 

Fraser: What’s that? 

Ray: Clothing adjustment. You got to be able to sense things. Like the lights. Okay. I’m sensing three, two, one, go. [screeching as they go … the tires, not Fraser] 

Fraser: Ray. You just violated at least a half a dozen traffic laws. [Ray gives him a dead pan look] Ray, stop. [spots two guys with guns on a third] 

Ray: What? I just got going. 

Fraser: Criminals. 

Ray: Criminals? [Fraser bails out of the car, roll, roll and run] 

Agent Goodfellow: [to escapee] INS officers. Stop! [Ray turns around, heading down alley] INS! 

Gerome Laferette: Stop them they’re trying to kill me. [Ray jumps from car, which is still running and the door is hanging open] 

Fraser: Gentlemen. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop. 

Ray: Chicago PD! Stop right there! 

Agent Goodfellow: Show your badge. 

Ray: Show me yours. 

Agent Goodfellow: You first. 

Ray: YOU! 

Agent Goodfellow: Immigration - Naturalization. Stop that man. [he points to Gerome who is stealing Ray’s car] 

Ray: Hey! My car. [wants to shoot, but hey, it’s his car] 

[27th] 

Ray: They’re shooting up the streets. How are we suppose to know it’s not gang related? 

Agent Goodfellow: Gangs? Aaron look ganged up to you? You got gangs of fat-assed forty-two year white guys running around that we don’t know about? 

Ray: Okay. Mob. Something. How the hell are we supposed to know? 

Agent Goodfellow: Maybe because I’m shoving a badge in your face. Maybe because I’m running full out chasing a felon and yelling “INS” at the top of my lungs. Maybe I could have captured him. 

Ray: I could have captured you pal. 

Welsh: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. This is not a schoolyard. 

Fraser: Sir if I may. We seem to be missing a couple of salient points here. 

Ray: Yeah. One – a car got stolen. B – my car. 

Agent Goodfellow: Yeah. That’s going to cost me a lot of sleep considering the guy you let get away is the guy who tried to kill me. 

Fraser: Well since the man who stole Ray’s car and the man who tried to kill you are one and the same, I would suggest we share a common goal and in the spirit of judicial cooperation perhaps we should consider pooling our resources and our information. 

Agent Goodfellow: What’s wrong with him. 

Welsh: He’s Canadian. 

Agent Goodfellow: Look. I got lots of information on the guy we’re looking for. What have you got. 

Ray: I got the license number. 

Welsh: Very little escapes his eye. 

Ray: Frannie, [who is reading a magazine] put out an APB. License number WE 761, black 1967 double barreled car, GTO. 

Frannie: What is it with you guys and cars. What? You all have your brains stuck behind your zippers or something? [to Fraser] I mean excluding you of course, Fraser. 

Fraser: Oh, thank you. 

Frannie: What is that? what does that stand for? GTO. Great throbbing – 

Ray: No Frannie it’s Grand, grand, what is it again Fraser? 

Fraser: Grand Turiso Omologato. 

Ray: Right. GTO. Now hit the keys please Frannie. Thank you. 

[Ray’s Dads name is Damien] 

Damien: Raymond! 

Ray: Dad! 

Damien: Look what I found in the wrecking yard. 

Ray: You got it. Ram air four cam shaft. 

Damien: Ha ha, mint to. Let’s go put it on. What? Something happen to the car? 

Ray: Are you kidding? That car is my life. No I just took it in for some detailing. 

Damien: Detailing? 

Ray: Yeah, yeah. That’s where you make it look new again. 

Damien: It already looks like new! 

Ray: Yeah but these guys they they make it look newer than new. They’re good at this they use this little toothbrush and whatnots and – let me drop this off and I’ll uh. I’ll uh [yanks the cam from his dad’s grip and puts in on his desk] We’ll get you coffee on the way home. I’ll get you a coffee. [stunned dad just nods] 

Agent Goodfellow: Gerome Laferette was a friend. At least we thought he was. 

Agent Gobrah: There’s been a lot of Haitian immigration to the city lately. Most of it legal. Some of it not so legal. 

Agent Goodfellow: they live in a sort of enclave. Very insular. Very weary of outsiders. Laferette carries some weight in the community. He’s a priest. 

Frannie: Oh like Father Mallone? 

Agent Gobrah: More like Papa Shango. [note: Shango was the 4th king of Yoruba] 

Frannie: What do you mean? More like voodoo? 

Fraser: It’s Voudon actually. In Haiti it’s Loa. It’s a religion which derives from African urban beliefs. [note: actually Voodoo, Voudon either is acceptable terms.] 

Agent Goodfellow: He was our community connection. 

Frannie: What do you mean. He was like your sniff? [Fraser gives her a look] I mean uh, your scratch? [Fraser whispers to her] yes. That’s what I said. 

Fraser: Ah. So you did. 

Agent Goodfellow: We’ve been closing in on some of the sweatshops. Gerome called and wanted us to meet him down in the projects. Cloak and dagger all of a sudden. But he’s always been a square guy. So we go. Six guys with guns waiting for us. 

Fraser: And you’re sure it was Mr. Laferette who betrayed you? 

Agent Goodfellow: Only one who knew we’d be there. 

Ray: [returning from taking his dad for coffee] Pitter patter let’s get at her. Let’s find that car. 

Fraser: Gentlemen? [leaves with Ray] you alright? 

Ray: Uh. I lied to my dad. 

Fraser: About the car? 

Ray: Yeah. 

Fraser: I see. 

Ray: Look, don’t tell me I should have been honest with him Fraser cause I lied to him for his own good. 

Fraser: You lied to him for his own good? 

Ray: Well yeah. You don’t know my parents. I mean they live in this weird world. They’re talking back to the television, they buy stuff from infocommercials. I just try to protect them. 

Fraser: I can understand that. 

Ray: So you understand the lying. 

Fraser: The lying, no. but I can understand the wanting to protect your father. I often wished that I could have protected my father. 

[the projects] 

Ray: Look. This is Voodooville. We’re about as popular as the INS down here. 

Fraser: These people have good reason to fear authority Ray. Their history is one of domination. First by the colonial powers and then a series of brutal dictators who suppressed the people with strong-arm tactics and turned their religion against them. [going up stairs, people lookout to see who it is, Fraser, ever cheerful greets them] 

Fraser: Good day. Hello. 

[stop at Gerome door, but Dief is making whiny growls at another door. They walk over, open door. A voudon ritual is going on. They close it and go back to apartment 309 and knock] 

Ray: Chicago PD, We’re looking for Gerome Laferette. 

Mrs. Laferette: Gerome didn’t come home last night. 

Fraser: You must be very worried. 

Mrs. Laferette: Gerome’s gonna be alright. He’s close to the Loa. 

Ray: To the what? 

Fraser: The God’s Ray. 

Ray: Oh that’s great. Just ell us where the gods are so we can find them. Look, this isn’t a joke lady, your husband’s in a lot of trouble. Grand theft auto and some stupid federal charges. 

Fraser: Assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder actually. 

Ray: And the car. 

Fraser: And the car. 

Ray: So if I were you, I’d start telling us everything I know because if you don’t – 
Momma Lolla: Mr. Policeman. [both of them jump away from the door as if they were little kids caught doing something they shouldn’t] There’s a document called the Constitution of the United States of America. Have you read this document? 

Ray: No. Well my eyes are kinda bad so – 

Momma Lolla: See anything in this document that gives you a right to this ladies house and have you treat her like some dirt on your boot? [she is very royal in her attitude] 

Fraser: No ma’am, we don’t. 

Momma Lolla: Well then you should both…leave. 

Ray: Look lady I am a cop - - 

Fraser: Ray! Ray! [to Momma Lolla] The detective would like to apologize for his tone. 

Ray: I would? 

Fraser: Uh, yes you would Ray. He meant no disrespect. [Ray nods] My name is Constable Benton Fraser. [women coming out of their apartments to watch] 

Momma Lolla: You first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of your daddy and you stayed. [giggles] and so did your daddy. 

Fraser: [starts to say ‘how did you know’ but says] Very perceptive. You would be? 

Momma Lolla: Lolla. Some folks call me Momma Lolla. I work with Gerome. 

Fraser: At the shipping depot? 

Momma Lolla: No, his other work. 

Fraser: His voudon work. Perhaps you could help us find Gerome. 

Momma Lolla: Gerome Laferette don’t need to be found by you. 

Fraser: You don’t think he’d like to return to his family? 

Momma Lolla: When he’s good and ready. 

Fraser: I see. I understand. [Ray looks to be in a trance] Ray. Ray. Ray. [knocks once on Ray’s head to get him back] Thank you kindly for your time. 

Ray: Okay, this is great. So how do we find the car. How the hell do we find this car? 

Fraser: All in good time, Ray, all in good time. Good day gentlemen. [ to folks in hallway] 

[Gutman’s import/export] 

Gutman: Gerome. He’s a wonderful man. An excellent worker. Never late never a problem. That’s why I couldn’t understand why he – why he didn’t show up today. I figured it had something to do with his religious work or something. 

Fraser: You’re aware of his religious work with the voudon? 

Gutman: Oh certainly. I was born and raised in New Orleans. I’m very familiar with Obatala [note: he pronounced it as Obia], Voodoo, Loa. It’s not a bad thing. It’s actually quite fascinating. It’s uh…helps people understand certain strange situations. Keeps things settled down. At least Gerome did. Do you think he’s in trouble? Real trouble? 

Ray: Big time. 

Gutman: Gee, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with out him. 

Fraser: You have no idea where he might be? 

Gutman: For all I know he could be in Haidi. [sees someone] Edwardo, what you doing here! What are you doing back so soon! 

Edwardo: I feel better working. 

Gutman: Oh man! [drapes arm over his shoulder] Are you sure? 

Edwardo: Yes sir. 

Gutman: If there’s anything I can do for you, you let me know, you understand? Okay, you take care now. [to Ray] His wife died six days ago. Back to work already. Having a real hart time. Particularly with out Gerome around. 

Ray: Why is that? 

Gutman: Well, when one has a lose, one seeks comfort with a priest. Gerome’s a good man. You sure he did something bad? [Ray nods] 

Fraser: Thank you kindly. 

Gutman: alright fine. No problem, gentleman. [goes back to work] 

Ray: Some help. I mean, how the hell is that going to help me find my car. [he turns to find he’s talking to himself, Fraser is with Edwardo, talking and walking. We don’t know about what] 

[night in the projects] 

Ray: You sure this is it? 

Fraser: Edwardo would have no reason to lie. And Momma Lolla was practicing for the nine night ritual for his wife. If Mr. Laferette is as important as everyone says he is it would be his duty to attend. 

Ray: Still, it doesn’t look like a church. 

Fraser: Well, a church isn’t simply a church Ray. It’s a state of mind. [enters. Dief whines, they here music and follow it to people dancing around a fire] 

Ray: [pulling badge] Excuse me folks, Chicago PD. Gerome Laferette you’re under arrest. 

Momma Lolla: Leave him! And leave this church! [Gerome throws flash powder in the fire and takes off. They chase him and catch him] 

Fraser: I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us, Mr. Laferette. 

[27th] 

Ray: Look, you want to tell me where my car is? 

Gerome: I don’t remember. 

Ray: Not good enough. 

Gerome: I was frightened. I got off at Lakeshore. Somewhere near the projects. I think I left it on Latimer or Western. 

Ray: Latimer? You left my car on Latimer? Unguarded? [mad] They eat cars up on Latimer. Stick him in lockup until the feds get here. [Ray practically runs out. Dief talks low to Gerome who smiles knowingly to Dief] 

Gerome: a wolf. 

Fraser: A half wolf actually. 

Gerome: The interesting half. The wild half that speaks to you. [Dief speaks to him again] 

Fraser: He does seem to respond to you. 

Gerome: An understanding of wild things is important to my work. 

Fraser: I assume you’re not speaking of your work at the shipping depot. 

Gerome: No my real work. 

Fraser: Voudon. Interesting use of the flash powder at the ceremony today. Perhaps a bit obvious. 

Gerome: There’s showmanship in any religion. 

Fraser: True enough. 

[chanting coming from bullpen] 

Welsh: What the hell was that noise? [dancers and Momma show up, Momma tosses something small – seeds? – around the room] What is she doing? 

Gerome: She’s placing a curse on your station. 

Welsh: In here who would notice. 

[when she is done and all is quiet, Fraser is in a trance. Gerome, behind him, snaps his fingers and Fraser blinks. Everyone seems confused except Welsh who is all no nonsense.] 

Welsh: Go with Constable Fraser and put this man in a holding cell. I’ll tell you feds we got their man. 

Frannie [to Duck boys] hey you guys, do you think this curse thing effects me? I mean, I’m just a civilian aid and all. 

Huey: She cursed everyone who works here. And you work here so – 

Dewey: Yeah, right. 

Huey: Listen I’ve heard of people just giving up and dying after they’ve been cursed. 

Dewey: Yeah but that’s a mind over matter thing, alright? There’s nothing real to that. 

Huey: Hey! You’re killed by a gun, you’re killed by your mind, you’re still dead. 

Frannie: Is that true? 

Dewey: No. your mind kills you, it’s just psychosomatic. 

Frannie: Okay, so you’re not really dead. 

Dewey: You just thing you are…I think. 

[alley] 

Ray: [running to car] No! Not my car, come on. Come on. [checks, sighs] thank you. [not his car. Sudden fog appears, something rises behind him, he senses it, draws gun and swings around. Nothing. Swings in other direction, nothing] I’m good. Ooo!

[27th cell] 

Fraser: Not very comfortable I’m afraid. 

Gerome: I’ve been in far less comfortable places Constable. As have you. 

Fraser: As have I? [leans forward, resting his hands on bars] may I ask you a question? Did voudon have anything to do with the attempt on the lives of Agent Goodfellow and Agent Gobrah? 

Gerome: I have been a Houngan since I was 25. It is very early to become a priest in my country. But my earliest days I have been taught to revere all life and to do no harm. Does that answer your question? 

Fraser: Then you didn’t try to kill them? 

Gerome: Does it matter? 

Fraser: Gerome, you have a wife and daughter. Don’t you want to return to them? 

Gerome: You saw my daughter? 

Fraser: No. I saw her photograph in your apartment. 

Gerome: There is nothing more I can say. 

Ray: You got a lot more you can say. Like where’s my car and why am I being followed by a skeleton? 

Gerome: I don’t know what you are talking about. 

Ray: Then you can sit right here until you figure it out. How does that sit with you? 

Gerome: It’s fine. I won’t be in here long. 

[lunch room. Huey is eating, Dewey goes to coffee machine] 

Dewey: I’m getting a coffee Jack, want one? 

Huey: Mm. Black, no cram. 

[Dewey puts money in machine and nothing. Squats down, looks in the dispenser and gets hot coffee shot at him. Chain reaction. He jumps back, hits table, rolls over table, Huey falls out of chair, Huey’s lunch goes zooming off the table at Frannie who just walked in, she sees it coming, moves aside and the plate of food hits Welsh on the chest. Frannie takes in whole scene and runs from the room.] 

Frannie: Hey Fraser! It’s working. 

Fraser: What’s working? 

Frannie: The curse! Look! 

Fraser: Look Francesa, there’s been lunchroom incidences before uhhh I don’t think the curse is the obvious – 

Frannie: Fraser! I can feel it. Right here [puts his hand on her heart] Can you feel it? 

Fraser: Uhh, I feel something [voice has small crack in the something] 

Frannie: It’s like a dark hole burning its way into my heart. 

Fraser: Francesca, let’s not get worked up about this. You see our minds have the capacity to – [enter Ray carrying a cup of coffee, watches the two of them with amusement] 

Frannie: No! it’s a curse. We have to do something. 

Ray: Yeah, like lock you up in one of those rooms with rubber furniture. 

Agent Goodfellow: Vecchio. Constable Fraser. Where is he. 

[Dief howls from holding area] 

Frannie: Oh my God, it’s a werewolf. [she runs off] 

Fraser: No, it’s not a werewolf, it’s Diefenbaker. My companion is half wolf. 

Agent Goodfellow: What’s his problem. 

Fraser: Well I’m not sure. Although he did eat some lard at the Consulate kitchen. Usually tho that just leads to flatulence. 

Ray: Flatulence? 

Fraser: Farting Ray. [they go to see what’s up. Gerome is lying on the floor] Oh dear. 

[Morgue. Mert, young woman, in white smock straightens sheet over Gerome] 

Agent Goodfellow: Alright, what can you tell me. 

Mert: Well. He’s dead. 

Agent Goodfellow: I know he’s dead. What about an autopsy. 

Mert: Mort does the autopsies. And he’s out of town for a couple days. [perky smile all the time] 

Agent Goodfellow: What about a cause of death? 

Mert: [raises sheet, looks, then straightens it] Looks to me like his heart stopped beating. 

Agent Goodfellow: Why did his heart stop beating. 

Mert: Maybe he was sick or something. 

Agent Goodfellow: Maybe he was sick or something? 

Mert: Maybe. Mort could probably tell you more. [still perky smile] 

Agent Goodfellow: Look. Mort’s not here. You’re here. And I need an expert opinion. 

Mert: It you’re looking for a bunch of words like myo…cardardialtosis or whatever, you’re asking the wrong person. 

Agent Goodfellow: [Mert isn’t smiling] Don’t play games with me! 

Welsh: No, she’s not. [pan to Ray Fraser and Welsh] Mert’s an expert in her field. Although it has nothing to do with medicine. [Mert beams] We’re very proud of her as a member of our cleaning staff. [Mert goes and gets her bucket, you see the logo on the back of her smock] You’ll get a full investigation. 

Agent Goodfellow: Who was the last to see him? 

Fraser: It was I. 

Ray: So that pretty much rules out fowl play? 

Agent Goodfellow: Unless someone got in after the Constable. 

Fraser: No, Diefenbaker was there the entire time. 

Agent Gobrah: You think the wolf did it? 

Fraser: Diefenbaker would not have allowed anyone to harm Mr. Laferette. I can assure you of that. 

Agent Goodfellow: Oh that’s great. Guy dies and were not suppose to worry about it because the last person to see him has a red suit *and* we got a dog for a witness. 

Fraser: He’s a wolf actually. 

[INS guys glare] 

Agent Goodfellow: We’ll send someone to get the body. We got medical techs who work all night. 

[everyone exiting, Fraser turns to wolf] 

Fraser: Dief. [who looks but stays. Fraser shakes head and sighs] Have it your own way. 

Dief: Howl 

Welsh: [sarcastically] Oh how wonderful. 

Fraser: It is quite beautiful, isn’t it? [more howling] You know lieutenant, I thing it might be a good idea to assign someone to watch the body. 

Welsh: Watch the body? You thing it’s gonna turn into a zombie or something? 

[voudon church - Momma Lolla doing a chant. Mert goes into morgue. Gerome rises, Mert faints.] 

Agent Goodfellow: Let me see if I have this straight. Somewhere during the course of the night, Gerome Laferette who for all intents and purpose was dead, got up off a gurney, then wandered the halls, unnoticed by half a dozen or so police officers and walked out of the building. Is that what happened? 

Fraser, Welsh and Ray mumble: pretty good that’s pretty good. 

Agent Gobrah: You guys are something else. You screw up our arrest, kill our prisoner and now you lost the body. 

Fraser, Welsh and Ray mumble: Not lost. 

Ray: No, no, Misplaced. 

Welsh: It’ll turn up you know, bodies have a habit of doing that. 

Ray: Yeah. Unless of course they’ve been zomified, in which case they walk the earth with a strange demeanor – 

Agent Goodfellow: I wish I could share your confidence Lt. But Agent Gobrah and I will handle it from here. 

Welsh: I can’t let you do that. 

Agent Goodfellow: You can’t? 

Welsh: huh uh. It’s personal for all three of us. 

Ray: Very personal. 

Welsh: I have to think of the reputations of this station. 

Fraser: And I have to locate the where abouts of my life long companion. 

Ray: I got to find my car. It’s a classic. 

[bullpen Frannie is going thru a book. Her desk is set up with an altar. Bowl with skull, candle, idols, chalice and the book she’s looking thru] 

Frannie: It’s here somewhere. Okay, okay here it is. You take the cows blood and mix it with the graveyard dirt. 

Huey: Graveyard dirt? 

Dewey: From the graveyard at midnight. 

Frannie: I got the blood from Tony’s Cold Meat. It’s nice and fresh. 

Huey: You guys are out of your mind. Voodoo’s a religion. You can’t learn it from a book. 

Dewey: Oh yeah? How about the bible? 

Huey: That’s different. 

Dewey: Look, we’re not hurting anybody, okay? It’s a precautionary thing. 

Frannie: Now for the powder. [takes out a handful and sprinkles some then blows the rest from her hand. 

Welsh: Vecchio! 

Frannie: Yes sir. 

Welsh: What's all this parafinallia. 

Frannie: Okay, this is anti curse parafinallia, okay. You got your graveyard dirt, you got your special powder and some cows blood, which I’m not entirely sure of because I think the entrée here says we’re suppose to drink it – 

Welsh: I want all this stuff out of my station. Immediately. 

Frannie: But what about the curse! 

Welsh: In about two seconds you’ll face the curse of unemployment. 

Frannie: But but but. [Welsh runs into a cop with about 200 files, knocking them out of his arms.] See? It’s getting worse. 

Huey: Come on, throw the blood on the skull. 

Dewey: But – 

Huey: Do it! 

Dewey: [opens jar with blood in it] Should I let that breath a little? 

Frannie: Just do it! 

Huey: Do it! 

Dewey: Okay, alright. 

Damien: Raymond. I didn’t think you were here, I didn’t see the car in the lot. 

Ray: I know. The…car..got… 

Damien: Got what? 

Ray: Boring. You know, driving everyday so I’m trying to get some uh exercise. 

Damien: Exercise? 

Ray: Yeah, you know, so a couple of morning a week I run in. it gets the cardial going. Its- 

Damien: You run in your work clothes? 

Ray: Yeah. It’s cold and it warms em up. 

Damien: Okay, well I’ll pick up the cam shaft, swing by your place. 

Ray: No! Cause that’s way to much trouble. Why don’t you wait until I have the car here. 

Damien: what about tomorrow? You can’t have it here tomorrow? 

Ray: Sure Dad, tomorrow. 

Damien: Okay, tomorrow it is then. See ya. 

[projects. The agents, Fraser and Ray pile out of car. People look to see who it is then kinda slink away] 

Fraser: Bet that kicks the hell out of your ego. People treat you like you got a bad smell. Perhaps we should go in alone. 

Agent Goodfellow: Good idea. 

Agent Gobrah: Maybe we should take a shower. 

[outside Laferette’s apartment] 

Ray: The guys dead, Fraser. I don’t really think he’s gonna be coming home for a visit. 

Fraser: Well if he were dead, that would be true. 

Ray: You don’t really give into this zombie stuff do you? Cause personally I don’t. but you? That would be unMountie like and unlogical. 

Fraser: It depends on what you mean by zombie. 

Ray: Dead guy walking. 

Fraser: That would be highly unlikely. There are however certain drugs that – for example, the gland secretions of the Boga frog are 100 times more powerful than digitalis or the puffer fish which contains a tetrodotoxin either of these would allow an individual to create a very convincing impression of death. 

Ray: Good enough to fool you? 

Fraser: Virtually undetectable. 

Ray: So then he’s faking it. 

Fraser: It would account for his leaving and Diefenbakers disappearance. 

Ray: Why’s the wolf hanging with the dead guy? 

Fraser: Mr. Laferette has a very powerful presence. Diefenbaker’s responding. 

[starts to knock but the door opens] 

Lady: You are not needed here. 

Fraser: We thought we could help. 

Gutman: Can you find Gerome? 

Fraser: Mr. Gutman, we are trying, yes. 

Gutman: I just stopped by to see if I could be of any help to Lisa. 

Mrs. Laferette: Mr. Gutman has been very good to myself and Gerome. 

Fraser: That was very thoughtful. 

Ray: You only have the other room? 

Gutman: If you’re looking for Gerome, I can assure you you’re not going to find him. 

Ray: Mind if I look around? 

Gutman: May I ask why you are doing this detective? 

Ray. No. [looking at bed with toys on it.] 

Gutman: Are you satisfied? 

Lady: They are never satisfied. 

Fraser: Terribly sorry for the inconvenience ma’am. We are just trying to help. 

Lady: We don’t need your help. We’re doing fine as we are. 

Fraser: I’m sure you are. In the meantime, I’d like to thank you for feeding Diefenbaker. I uh [takes money from hat] I hope this covers it. Oh by the way Mrs. Laferette is your daughter home? 

Lady: She’s at school. 

Fraser: And a good thing too. Well in the words of Plato, A soul takes nothing with it to the other world save it’s education and it’s culture. Thank you kindly. 

[hall] 

Ray: What was that ‘feeding Diefenbaker’ stuff? 

Fraser: I detected the scent the moment we entered the apartment. 

Ray: Well that means Laferette was in there too. 

Fraser: Almost certainly. 

Ray: Well let’s go back in there and bust them for harboring a fugitive. 

Fraser: We have no proof. 

Ray: We got proof Fraser, you smelled the dog. [more to himself] Smelled the dog…. Fraser! I think I’ve been working with you too long. 

[27th] 

Frannie: [on phone] Yeah sure Fraser, I’ll check it out. Okay. 

Huey: Do you know what? I think you need more blood. 

Dewey: Okay, More blood. 

Frannie: Yeah, we just might. Look [at book]. It says right here. 

Welsh: What’s that smell? Miss Vecchio I seem to recall issuing an order regarding mumbo jumbo. As there will be no mumbo jumbo. Does that ring a bell? 
Frannie: Yes sir. 

Welsh: Alright. Get rid of this stuff now and you two, get back to work. 

[Frannie gathers the bowl, out the door past Welsh telling a cop “I don’t care what happened to their bus, get them out of here” -- it’s a marching band-- “Left, right, left” – Back to Frannie past guy on ladder changing light bulb. Light bulb explodes, then another. Sparks everywhere. Lights are out now. Guy falls off ladder onto a gurney that heads down hall to the tune of someone yelling “Stop that guy” into a door, thru the glass on the door – sparks, dark, marching band goes down like dominos. Frannie rushes back to her desk, trash can catches fire. 

Frannie: The book! Look right here! [points to picture] 

Welsh: The book huh? [drops it into the burning trash can] Alright? [sprinklers go off] 
Frannie: [smiling knowingly] See? [points up] 

Welsh: Aw! 

Frannie: I’s the curse. 

Welsh: [heading for his office keeps repeating] Aw! 

[projects] 

Ray: Gutman’s weird. 

Fraser: I did sense a certain tension in the apartment. 

Agent Gobrah: He runs a clean shop as far as we can tell. 

Ray: As far as you can tell? Why? Are you investigating him? 

Agent Gobrah: We investigate everybody. His names come up a couple of times. Nothing concrete. Although a legitimate operation like Gutman’s could be a good cover for a sweatshop. Give you a way to distribute the product. And the voodoo could be useful too. 

Fraser: Voodoo? 

Agent Goodfellow: Yeah, he’s kinda hyped on it. 

Ray: Hyped on voodoo. 

Fraser: He did seem very knowledgeable. 

Agent Goodfellow: He’s what those is voodoo circles refer to as a hangan. 

Fraser: A Houngan? 

Agent Goodfellow: That’s what I said. 

Fraser: Ah – right. 

Agent Goodfellow: A lot of white guys never get that far into it. 

Fraser: Is that why he employed Gerome? 

Agent Goodfellow: Yeah. I guess. Laferette never talked that much about him. 

Agent Gobrah: Never talked about him at all. 

[phone rings it’s Frannie] 

Frannie: Yeah, it’s me, where’s Fras? 

Ray: Yeah, here. [passes the phone but keeps his hand out for it.] 

Frannie: Hey Fras That Laferette girl? She didn’t go to school today. She hasn’t been there all week. 

Fraser: Thank you kindly Francesca. [passes phone back to Ray] I think e should have another conversation with Mrs. Laferette. [bang bang bang. Everyone but Fraser pulls out a gun] Ah. Fireworks. [Dief and Laferette are standing in an alley. Laferette swings up the gun he is holding] Dief. 

Ray: Gun! 

Agent Goodfellow: Hold it right there Laferette. 

[Dief takes gun from Laferette. Fraser is walking toward them. Laferette runs off a wall of flames shoots up. 

Fraser: Dief! 

Ray: Dief’s deaf. 

Fraser: Good point Ray. [runs thru flames into alley and searches. Laferette and Dief are gone. The flames die down] 

Ray: Are you alright? 

Fraser: Yeah. 

Ray: You’re sure you’re okay? 

Fraser: Yeah. I’m fine. [turns toward Ray, we see the back of his coat] 

Ray: The reason I ask is because you’re on fire. 

Fraser: [unconcerned, glances at his back.] Oh. [Takes off coat and drops it. Looks down alley again] 

Fraser: Well the fire was real enough. 

Ray: What are you saying? This is magic? 

Fraser: Lighter fluid. This may not sound particularly logical but judging form the intense and immediate bond that he and Diefenbaker have formed, I believe Gerome is trying to do the right thing. 

Ray: So that included stealing cars and taking pot shots at cops. You have got a lot to learn about civics, Fraser. 
Agent Goodfellow: As usual nobody saw anything else, including the fire. 

Ray: Hey you know you blink and you miss a big wall of fire. Look, he planned the whole deal. Escape route the whole thing. 
Agent Goodfellow: Where’d you find this. 

Ray: Uh, Fraser found it – over there] 

[Fraser is gone.] 

Momma Lolla: Leave this alone. You don’t know what you’re messing with. 

Fraser: I know that you are frightened. And that Mrs. Laferette is frightened. 

Momma Lolla: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 

Fraser: I’m talking about Gerome’s daughter. 

Momma Lolla: Nothing has happened to Marie. 

Fraser: Then perhaps I could see her. I can’t let Gerome kill someone or be killed himself. I don’t think you could do that either. 

Momma Lolla: I’ve been working on him. [photo of Gutman on the altar] I’ve been working on him hard. 

Ray: [finally tracked the Mountie] Gutman? 

Momma Lolla: He’s a bokor. 

Ray: Broker? Like stock broker? 

Fraser: No, it’s bokor Ray. It’s a practitioner of black magic. 

Momma Lolla: Gutman uses voodoo to control folks working in his sweatshops. 

Fraser: The dark side of a Houngan. 

Ray: Oh, so this is the light side? 

Momma Lolla: You see you fight the dark with the dark. I don’t like it but that’s the only way it works but Gutman’s too strong for me. I can’t control him and Gerome won’t! 

Fraser: Because Gutman has his daughter. And in exchange for her safety, Gerome was ordered to kill two federal agents. He’s afraid. 

Momma Lolla: So we gotta put the hurtin on him. 

[Gutman’s] 

Gutman: What do you want Lolla? 

Momma Lolla: To bring you this. 

Gutman: You doing this to me? 

Momma Lolla: Gerome doing it. 

Gutman: He’s bluffing. It could cost him too much. 

Momma Lolla: Maybe [focus on the cloth with a skull in it.] Maybe, maybe not. I’m just delivering the message. 

[Gutman says something in Haitian???? Momma Lolla leaves, goes to car where Fraser and Ray are sitting] 

Momma Lolla: He got the message. 

Fraser: Good. 

Ray: Good? 

Fraser: Mr. Gutman now believes Mr. Laferette is no longer afraid of him. 

Ray: So? 

Fraser: He’ll wonder why. That should lead us to Marie. 

Momma Lolla: You know she’s a sweet little girl. You know I’m gonna work it. You find his goui [don’t know this word but she might mean Ju-Ju] 

Fraser: We will. 

Ray: Goui? What’s a goui? 

Fraser: It’s a vessel in which he keeps his pwin [again, don’t know this word but what he’d keep in a vessel is his reiki] or his spirit. It’s symbolic of his power. 

[Gutman is trying to work but keeps looking at the bundle Momma Lolla brought him. Background, you hear a voodoo chant. Too much for him, he hurries off to his sweatshop] 

Gutman: What’s she doing laying down like that? [woman fainted] Get her up and get her back to work. What is that? [another woman giving him a look] what is that look? What is that? You resent me? It that it? Is that it? You all resent me? Don’t you have any gratitude? What do you people want? What do you want? You want to go back home? You want to go back home? I’ll send you back home. Right back to the Tonton Macute with the long knives and the knock on the door in the middle of the night when they come and take your babies. Bayoba. Is that what you want? Get back to work. 

[the voodoo chant is to Papa Shango – who was once the fourth king of Yoruba – for anyone who wanted to know – Momma Lolla got to Shango before Gutman. 

Gutman: [in room with his alter and as he lights the candles] Papa. Papa Shango. 

[Fraser and Ray have followed him] 

Ray: What’s the matter with them? 

Fraser: They’re afraid. 

[Gutman and Momma Lolla compete for the ear of Shango. Fraser and Ray walk in on him while praying. He throws a powder at them and gets away.] 

Ray: [to Fraser] What are you doing? 

Fraser: His goui [Ju-Ju] [takes the vessel and heads back into sweatshop] 

Gerome: Tell me where my daughter is. 

Gutman: No. 

Ray: Laferette, put the gun down. 

Gerome: This is an evil man. 

Gutman: You’re not gonna shoot me Gerome. I’ve got your daughter. Listen to the bokor, Gerome. 

Ray: Gerome, put the gun down, we can work this thing out. [Momma Lolla brings ritual to Gutman] 

[Fraser hands Gerome the vessel and he breaks it. Smiles at Fraser] 

[Fraser feels along a wall] 

Ray: What are you looking for? 

Fraser: A trigger mechanisms. 

[finds it, the wall opens] 

Marie: Daddy? 

Gerome: Marie! [kissing and hugging the child] 

[27th where everything gets wrapped up] 

Agent Goodfellow: He’s on his own recognize. We should be able to cut a deal. He shouldn’t do any jail time. [Acknowledging Ray] Detective. 

Ray: Agent. 

Agent Goodfellow: Constable. It’s been a real slice. 

Fraser: Of what? 

Agent Gobrah: He’s Canadian. 

Agent Goodfellow: Right. Catch you later. 

Damien: [holding cam box] Raymond! Pitter patter, let’s get at her. Daylights burning. 

[Ray gives Fraser a look like he’s about to go to death row] 

Ray: Dad. I got something to tell ya. 

Damien: What is it son? 

Ray: The car. It’s not here. I lent it to a guy for the weekend so he can take photographs of it for a magazine called uh, black old classic cars so – 

Damien: Look me in the eye and tell me that again. [he can’t] Police called your apartment while your mother was ironing shirts. You parked it beside a hydrant. I got it out of the pound, it’s outside. [Ray smiles at his dad] 

Ray: Thanks. [hugs his dad, knocking box out of dad’s hands] I’ll get it. 

Damien: It’s okay. I’ll…there's no need to lie to us you know. Your mother and I are fully functioning adults. We can handle the truth. 

Ray: Remember that antique lamp that I said the cat broke. It was me. 

Damien: Yeah, I know son. 

Ray: And the time after school when I had the black eye. That did not happen in gym. That uh, I got into a fight. 

Damien: I know son. [heading out of station] 

Ray: Remember when I was 14? And the station wagon went missing? 

Damien: Yeah? 

Ray: That was me. 

Damien: You stupid son of a bitch. 

Frannie [to Momma Lolla]: Okay, so the curse is lifted? Well, what about the grass, that’s not normal. 

Momma Lolla: Well I just threw around some seed and somebody starts watering em. 

Frannie: So there never was a curse? 

Momma Lolla: If it was that easy, everybody’d be doing it. 

Frannie: [tosses a chunk of grass on the desk and leaves] So there was no curse. 

[you get a look at the room. Grass is growing on everyone’s desk. 
 

Gerome [says his goodbye to Dief] I have to Thank you Constable. 

Fraser: There’s no need. Just make sure you keep your Gros Ban Ange healthy. 

Gerome: And you. 

[Dief whines when Gerome goes to claim his daughter] 

Fraser: [because Dief is trying to decide if he should go or stay with Fraser] Well it is your decision. You are familiar with the concept of free will. It’s up to you. [Dief decides to stay] Thank you kindly. [now he whines about wanting something to eat] Hungry? [Sure!] Get it yourself. [Fraser seems pleased with himself] 
 

End of The Ladies' Man
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mojo Rising

[Ray’s car] 
Ray: Fraser, what are you doing? 
Fraser: [going very slow] Well I’m driving. [cheery wave to the guy cursing him from the other car] 
Ray: This is not driving, this is walking with a vehicle. 
Fraser: I’m going the posted limit. 
Ray: That is my point. Nobody goes the posted limit. You keep this up and we’ll get smacked from behind and I’ll have to explain to my father why the car got wrecked while the Mountie was driving it after he dragged it here from Arizona like a dozen eggs. 
Fraser: You must say hello to your father for me by the way. 
Ray: Look, you can do that yourself. He’s staying at this trailer park out at Skokie. Altho he doesn’t know if he can hack the winter. 
Fraser: And how’s your mother? 
Ray: She can hack the winter. She comes in everyday to iron my shirts. 
Fraser: Oh what a thoughtful gesture. 
Ray: You kidding? Crispy shirts. Look like I work in a bank? 
Fraser: That’s a bad thing I take it? 
Ray: Yeah. I mean it clashes with my uh --- 
Fraser: Persona? Aura? Style? 
Ray: Exactly. Style counts Fraser.  Like what you’re doing right now? This is auntie style. 
Fraser: You just asked me to be careful. 
Ray: Careful. Not stationary. Stop the car, let me show you how to do it. 
Fraser: I’ve ridden with you many times Ray. 
Ray: Ridden yes. Studied, no. learned? No. stop the car. 
Fraser: As you wish. [trading places without getting out of car] 
Ray: Okay. Good driving is like a vocation. Part brain part magic, part guts, part ESP. Watch the shoulder. 
Fraser: What’s that? 
Ray: Clothing adjustment. You got to be able to sense things. Like the lights. Okay. I’m sensing three, two, one, go. [screeching as they go … the tires, not Fraser] 
Fraser: Ray. You just violated at least a half a dozen traffic laws. [Ray gives him a dead pan look] Ray, stop. [spots two guys with guns on a third] 
Ray: What? I just got going. 
Fraser: Criminals. 
Ray: Criminals? [Fraser bails out of the car, roll, roll and run] 
Agent Goodfellow: [to escapee] INS officers. Stop! [Ray turns around, heading down alley] INS! 
Gerome Laferette: Stop them they’re trying to kill me. [Ray jumps from car, which is still running and the door is hanging open] 
Fraser: Gentlemen. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop. 
Ray: Chicago PD! Stop right there! 
Agent Goodfellow: Show your badge. 
Ray: Show me yours. 
Agent Goodfellow: You first. 
Ray: YOU! 
Agent Goodfellow: Immigration - Naturalization. Stop that man. [he points to Gerome who is stealing Ray’s car] 
Ray: Hey! My car. [wants to shoot, but hey, it’s his car] 
[27th] 
Ray: They’re shooting up the streets. How are we suppose to know it’s not gang related? 
Agent Goodfellow: Gangs? Aaron look ganged up to you? You got gangs of fat-assed forty-two year white guys running around that we don’t know about? 
Ray: Okay. Mob. Something. How the hell are we supposed to know? 
Agent Goodfellow: Maybe because I’m shoving a badge in your face. Maybe because I’m running full out chasing a felon and yelling “INS” at the top of my lungs. Maybe I could have captured him. 
Ray: I could have captured you pal. 
Welsh: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. This is not a schoolyard. 
Fraser: Sir if I may. We seem to be missing a couple of salient points here. 
Ray: Yeah. One – a car got stolen. B – my car. 
Agent Goodfellow: Yeah. That’s going to cost me a lot of sleep considering the guy you let get away is the guy who tried to kill me. 
Fraser: Well since the man who stole Ray’s car and the man who tried to kill you are one and the same, I would suggest we share a common goal and in the spirit of judicial cooperation perhaps we should consider pooling our resources and our information. 
Agent Goodfellow: What’s wrong with him. 
Welsh: He’s Canadian. 
Agent Goodfellow: Look. I got lots of information on the guy we’re looking for. What have you got. 
Ray: I got the license number. 
Welsh: Very little escapes his eye. 
Ray: Frannie, [who is reading a magazine] put out an APB. License number WE 761, black 1967 double barreled car, GTO. 
Frannie: What is it with you guys and cars. What? You all have your brains stuck behind your zippers or something? [to Fraser] I mean excluding you of course, Fraser. 
Fraser: Oh, thank you. 
Frannie: What is that? what does that stand for? GTO. Great throbbing – 
Ray: No Frannie it’s Grand, grand, what is it again Fraser? 
Fraser: Grand Turiso Omologato. 
Ray: Right. GTO. Now hit the keys please Frannie. Thank you. 
[Ray’s Dads name is Damien] 
Damien: Raymond! 
Ray: Dad! 
Damien: Look what I found in the wrecking yard. 
Ray: You got it. Ram air four cam shaft. 
Damien: Ha ha, mint to. Let’s go put it on. What? Something happen to the car? 
Ray: Are you kidding? That car is my life. No I just took it in for some detailing. 
Damien: Detailing? 
Ray: Yeah, yeah. That’s where you make it look new again. 
Damien: It already looks like new! 
Ray: Yeah but these guys they they make it look newer than new. They’re good at this they use this little toothbrush and whatnots and – let me drop this off and I’ll uh. I’ll uh [yanks the cam from his dad’s grip and puts in on his desk] We’ll get you coffee on the way home. I’ll get you a coffee. [stunned dad just nods] 
Agent Goodfellow: Gerome Laferette was a friend. At least we thought he was. 
Agent Gobrah: There’s been a lot of Haitian immigration to the city lately. Most of it legal. Some of it not so legal. 
Agent Goodfellow: they live in a sort of enclave. Very insular. Very weary of outsiders. Laferette carries some weight in the community. He’s a priest. 
Frannie: Oh like Father Mallone? 
Agent Gobrah: More like Papa Shango. [note: Shango was the 4th king of Yoruba] 
Frannie: What do you mean? More like voodoo? 
Fraser: It’s Voudon actually. In Haiti it’s Loa. It’s a religion which derives from African urban beliefs. [note: actually Voodoo, Voudon either is acceptable terms.] 
Agent Goodfellow: He was our community connection. 
Frannie: What do you mean. He was like your sniff? [Fraser gives her a look] I mean uh, your scratch? [Fraser whispers to her] yes. That’s what I said. 
Fraser: Ah. So you did. 
Agent Goodfellow: We’ve been closing in on some of the sweatshops. Gerome called and wanted us to meet him down in the projects. Cloak and dagger all of a sudden. But he’s always been a square guy. So we go. Six guys with guns waiting for us. 
Fraser: And you’re sure it was Mr. Laferette who betrayed you? 
Agent Goodfellow: Only one who knew we’d be there. 
Ray: [returning from taking his dad for coffee] Pitter patter let’s get at her. Let’s find that car. 
Fraser: Gentlemen? [leaves with Ray] you alright? 
Ray: Uh. I lied to my dad. 
Fraser: About the car? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Fraser: I see. 
Ray: Look, don’t tell me I should have been honest with him Fraser cause I lied to him for his own good. 
Fraser: You lied to him for his own good? 
Ray: Well yeah. You don’t know my parents. I mean they live in this weird world. They’re talking back to the television, they buy stuff from infocommercials. I just try to protect them. 
Fraser: I can understand that. 
Ray: So you understand the lying. 
Fraser: The lying, no. but I can understand the wanting to protect your father. I often wished that I could have protected my father. 
[the projects] 
Ray: Look. This is Voodooville. We’re about as popular as the INS down here. 
Fraser: These people have good reason to fear authority Ray. Their history is one of domination. First by the colonial powers and then a series of brutal dictators who suppressed the people with strong-arm tactics and turned their religion against them. [going up stairs, people lookout to see who it is, Fraser, ever cheerful greets them] 
Fraser: Good day. Hello. 
[stop at Gerome door, but Dief is making whiny growls at another door. They walk over, open door. A voudon ritual is going on. They close it and go back to apartment 309 and knock] 
Ray: Chicago PD, We’re looking for Gerome Laferette. 
Mrs. Laferette: Gerome didn’t come home last night. 
Fraser: You must be very worried. 
Mrs. Laferette: Gerome’s gonna be alright. He’s close to the Loa. 
Ray: To the what? 
Fraser: The God’s Ray. 
Ray: Oh that’s great. Just ell us where the gods are so we can find them. Look, this isn’t a joke lady, your husband’s in a lot of trouble. Grand theft auto and some stupid federal charges. 
Fraser: Assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder actually. 
Ray: And the car. 
Fraser: And the car. 
Ray: So if I were you, I’d start telling us everything I know because if you don’t – 
Momma Lolla: Mr. Policeman. [both of them jump away from the door as if they were little kids caught doing something they shouldn’t] There’s a document called the Constitution of the United States of America. Have you read this document? 
Ray: No. Well my eyes are kinda bad so – 
Momma Lolla: See anything in this document that gives you a right to this ladies house and have you treat her like some dirt on your boot? [she is very royal in her attitude] 
Fraser: No ma’am, we don’t. 
Momma Lolla: Well then you should both…leave. 
Ray: Look lady I am a cop - - 
Fraser: Ray! Ray! [to Momma Lolla] The detective would like to apologize for his tone. 
Ray: I would? 
Fraser: Uh, yes you would Ray. He meant no disrespect. [Ray nods] My name is Constable Benton Fraser. [women coming out of their apartments to watch] 
Momma Lolla: You first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of your daddy and you stayed. [giggles] and so did your daddy. 
Fraser: [starts to say ‘how did you know’ but says] Very perceptive. You would be? 
Momma Lolla: Lolla. Some folks call me Momma Lolla. I work with Gerome. 
Fraser: At the shipping depot? 
Momma Lolla: No, his other work. 
Fraser: His voudon work. Perhaps you could help us find Gerome. 
Momma Lolla: Gerome Laferette don’t need to be found by you. 
Fraser: You don’t think he’d like to return to his family? 
Momma Lolla: When he’s good and ready. 
Fraser: I see. I understand. [Ray looks to be in a trance] Ray. Ray. Ray. [knocks once on Ray’s head to get him back] Thank you kindly for your time. 
Ray: Okay, this is great. So how do we find the car. How the hell do we find this car? 
Fraser: All in good time, Ray, all in good time. Good day gentlemen. [ to folks in hallway] 
[Gutman’s import/export] 
Gutman: Gerome. He’s a wonderful man. An excellent worker. Never late never a problem. That’s why I couldn’t understand why he – why he didn’t show up today. I figured it had something to do with his religious work or something. 
Fraser: You’re aware of his religious work with the voudon? 
Gutman: Oh certainly. I was born and raised in New Orleans. I’m very familiar with Obatala [note: he pronounced it as Obia], Voodoo, Loa. It’s not a bad thing. It’s actually quite fascinating. It’s uh…helps people understand certain strange situations. Keeps things settled down. At least Gerome did. Do you think he’s in trouble? Real trouble? 
Ray: Big time. 
Gutman: Gee, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with out him. 
Fraser: You have no idea where he might be? 
Gutman: For all I know he could be in Haidi. [sees someone] Edwardo, what you doing here! What are you doing back so soon! 
Edwardo: I feel better working. 
Gutman: Oh man! [drapes arm over his shoulder] Are you sure? 
Edwardo: Yes sir. 
Gutman: If there’s anything I can do for you, you let me know, you understand? Okay, you take care now. [to Ray] His wife died six days ago. Back to work already. Having a real hart time. Particularly with out Gerome around. 
Ray: Why is that? 
Gutman: Well, when one has a lose, one seeks comfort with a priest. Gerome’s a good man. You sure he did something bad? [Ray nods] 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Gutman: alright fine. No problem, gentleman. [goes back to work] 
Ray: Some help. I mean, how the hell is that going to help me find my car. [he turns to find he’s talking to himself, Fraser is with Edwardo, talking and walking. We don’t know about what] 
[night in the projects] 
Ray: You sure this is it? 
Fraser: Edwardo would have no reason to lie. And Momma Lolla was practicing for the nine night ritual for his wife. If Mr. Laferette is as important as everyone says he is it would be his duty to attend. 
Ray: Still, it doesn’t look like a church. 
Fraser: Well, a church isn’t simply a church Ray. It’s a state of mind. [enters. Dief whines, they here music and follow it to people dancing around a fire] 
Ray: [pulling badge] Excuse me folks, Chicago PD. Gerome Laferette you’re under arrest. 
Momma Lolla: Leave him! And leave this church! [Gerome throws flash powder in the fire and takes off. They chase him and catch him] 
Fraser: I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us, Mr. Laferette. 
[27th] 
Ray: Look, you want to tell me where my car is? 
Gerome: I don’t remember. 
Ray: Not good enough. 
Gerome: I was frightened. I got off at Lakeshore. Somewhere near the projects. I think I left it on Latimer or Western. 
Ray: Latimer? You left my car on Latimer? Unguarded? [mad] They eat cars up on Latimer. Stick him in lockup until the feds get here. [Ray practically runs out. Dief talks low to Gerome who smiles knowingly to Dief] 
Gerome: a wolf. 
Fraser: A half wolf actually. 
Gerome: The interesting half. The wild half that speaks to you. [Dief speaks to him again] 
Fraser: He does seem to respond to you. 
Gerome: An understanding of wild things is important to my work. 
Fraser: I assume you’re not speaking of your work at the shipping depot. 
Gerome: No my real work. 
Fraser: Voudon. Interesting use of the flash powder at the ceremony today. Perhaps a bit obvious. 
Gerome: There’s showmanship in any religion. 
Fraser: True enough. 
[chanting coming from bullpen] 
Welsh: What the hell was that noise? [dancers and Momma show up, Momma tosses something small – seeds? – around the room] What is she doing? 
Gerome: She’s placing a curse on your station. 
Welsh: In here who would notice. 
[when she is done and all is quiet, Fraser is in a trance. Gerome, behind him, snaps his fingers and Fraser blinks. Everyone seems confused except Welsh who is all no nonsense.] 
Welsh: Go with Constable Fraser and put this man in a holding cell. I’ll tell you feds we got their man. 
Frannie [to Duck boys] hey you guys, do you think this curse thing effects me? I mean, I’m just a civilian aid and all. 
Huey: She cursed everyone who works here. And you work here so – 
Dewey: Yeah, right. 
Huey: Listen I’ve heard of people just giving up and dying after they’ve been cursed. 
Dewey: Yeah but that’s a mind over matter thing, alright? There’s nothing real to that. 
Huey: Hey! You’re killed by a gun, you’re killed by your mind, you’re still dead. 
Frannie: Is that true? 
Dewey: No. your mind kills you, it’s just psychosomatic. 
Frannie: Okay, so you’re not really dead. 
Dewey: You just thing you are…I think. 
[alley] 
Ray: [running to car] No! Not my car, come on. Come on. [checks, sighs] thank you. [not his car. Sudden fog appears, something rises behind him, he senses it, draws gun and swings around. Nothing. Swings in other direction, nothing] I’m good. Ooo! 
[27th cell] 
Fraser: Not very comfortable I’m afraid. 
Gerome: I’ve been in far less comfortable places Constable. As have you. 
Fraser: As have I? [leans forward, resting his hands on bars] may I ask you a question? Did voudon have anything to do with the attempt on the lives of Agent Goodfellow and Agent Gobrah? 
Gerome: I have been a Houngan since I was 25. It is very early to become a priest in my country. But my earliest days I have been taught to revere all life and to do no harm. Does that answer your question? 
Fraser: Then you didn’t try to kill them? 
Gerome: Does it matter? 
Fraser: Gerome, you have a wife and daughter. Don’t you want to return to them? 
Gerome: You saw my daughter? 
Fraser: No. I saw her photograph in your apartment. 
Gerome: There is nothing more I can say. 
Ray: You got a lot more you can say. Like where’s my car and why am I being followed by a skeleton? 
Gerome: I don’t know what you are talking about. 
Ray: Then you can sit right here until you figure it out. How does that sit with you? 
Gerome: It’s fine. I won’t be in here long. 
[lunch room. Huey is eating, Dewey goes to coffee machine] 
Dewey: I’m getting a coffee Jack, want one? 
Huey: Mm. Black, no cram. 
[Dewey puts money in machine and nothing. Squats down, looks in the dispenser and gets hot coffee shot at him. Chain reaction. He jumps back, hits table, rolls over table, Huey falls out of chair, Huey’s lunch goes zooming off the table at Frannie who just walked in, she sees it coming, moves aside and the plate of food hits Welsh on the chest. Frannie takes in whole scene and runs from the room.] 
Frannie: Hey Fraser! It’s working. 
Fraser: What’s working? 
Frannie: The curse! Look! 
Fraser: Look Francesa, there’s been lunchroom incidences before uhhh I don’t think the curse is the obvious – 
Frannie: Fraser! I can feel it. Right here [puts his hand on her heart] Can you feel it? 
Fraser: Uhh, I feel something [voice has small crack in the something] 
Frannie: It’s like a dark hole burning its way into my heart. 
Fraser: Francesca, let’s not get worked up about this. You see our minds have the capacity to – [enter Ray carrying a cup of coffee, watches the two of them with amusement] 
Frannie: No! it’s a curse. We have to do something. 
Ray: Yeah, like lock you up in one of those rooms with rubber furniture. 
Agent Goodfellow: Vecchio. Constable Fraser. Where is he. 
[Dief howls from holding area] 
Frannie: Oh my God, it’s a werewolf. [she runs off] 
Fraser: No, it’s not a werewolf, it’s Diefenbaker. My companion is half wolf. 
Agent Goodfellow: What’s his problem. 
Fraser: Well I’m not sure. Although he did eat some lard at the Consulate kitchen. Usually tho that just leads to flatulence. 
Ray: Flatulence? 
Fraser: Farting Ray. [they go to see what’s up. Gerome is lying on the floor] Oh dear. 
[Morgue. Mert, young woman, in white smock straightens sheet over Gerome] 
Agent Goodfellow: Alright, what can you tell me. 
Mert: Well. He’s dead. 
Agent Goodfellow: I know he’s dead. What about an autopsy. 
Mert: Mort does the autopsies. And he’s out of town for a couple days. [perky smile all the time] 
Agent Goodfellow: What about a cause of death? 
Mert: [raises sheet, looks, then straightens it] Looks to me like his heart stopped beating. 
Agent Goodfellow: Why did his heart stop beating. 
Mert: Maybe he was sick or something. 
Agent Goodfellow: Maybe he was sick or something? 
Mert: Maybe. Mort could probably tell you more. [still perky smile] 
Agent Goodfellow: Look. Mort’s not here. You’re here. And I need an expert opinion. 
Mert: It you’re looking for a bunch of words like myo…cardardialtosis or whatever, you’re asking the wrong person. 
Agent Goodfellow: [Mert isn’t smiling] Don’t play games with me! 
Welsh: No, she’s not. [pan to Ray Fraser and Welsh] Mert’s an expert in her field. Although it has nothing to do with medicine. [Mert beams] We’re very proud of her as a member of our cleaning staff. [Mert goes and gets her bucket, you see the logo on the back of her smock] You’ll get a full investigation. 
Agent Goodfellow: Who was the last to see him? 
Fraser: It was I. 
Ray: So that pretty much rules out fowl play? 
Agent Goodfellow: Unless someone got in after the Constable. 
Fraser: No, Diefenbaker was there the entire time. 
Agent Gobrah: You think the wolf did it? 
Fraser: Diefenbaker would not have allowed anyone to harm Mr. Laferette. I can assure you of that. 
Agent Goodfellow: Oh that’s great. Guy dies and were not suppose to worry about it because the last person to see him has a red suit *and* we got a dog for a witness. 
Fraser: He’s a wolf actually. 
[INS guys glare] 
Agent Goodfellow: We’ll send someone to get the body. We got medical techs who work all night. 
[everyone exiting, Fraser turns to wolf]
Fraser: Dief. [who looks but stays. Fraser shakes head and sighs] Have it your own way. 
Dief: Howl 
Welsh: [sarcastically] Oh how wonderful. 
Fraser: It is quite beautiful, isn’t it? [more howling] You know lieutenant, I thing it might be a good idea to assign someone to watch the body. 
Welsh: Watch the body? You thing it’s gonna turn into a zombie or something? 
[voudon church - Momma Lolla doing a chant. Mert goes into morgue. Gerome rises, Mert faints.] 
Agent Goodfellow: Let me see if I have this straight. Somewhere during the course of the night, Gerome Laferette who for all intents and purpose was dead, got up off a gurney, then wandered the halls, unnoticed by half a dozen or so police officers and walked out of the building. Is that what happened? 
Fraser, Welsh and Ray mumble: pretty good that’s pretty good. 
Agent Gobrah: You guys are something else. You screw up our arrest, kill our prisoner and now you lost the body. 
Fraser, Welsh and Ray mumble: Not lost. 
Ray: No, no, Misplaced. 
Welsh: It’ll turn up you know, bodies have a habit of doing that. 
Ray: Yeah. Unless of course they’ve been zomified, in which case they walk the earth with a strange demeanor – 
Agent Goodfellow: I wish I could share your confidence Lt. But Agent Gobrah and I will handle it from here. 
Welsh: I can’t let you do that. 
Agent Goodfellow: You can’t? 
Welsh: huh uh. It’s personal for all three of us. 
Ray: Very personal. 
Welsh: I have to think of the reputations of this station. 
Fraser: And I have to locate the where abouts of my life long companion. 
Ray: I got to find my car. It’s a classic. 
[bullpen Frannie is going thru a book. Her desk is set up with an altar. Bowl with skull, candle, idols, chalice and the book she’s looking thru] 
Frannie: It’s here somewhere. Okay, okay here it is. You take the cows blood and mix it with the graveyard dirt. 
Huey: Graveyard dirt? 
Dewey: From the graveyard at midnight. 
Frannie: I got the blood from Tony’s Cold Meat. It’s nice and fresh. 
Huey: You guys are out of your mind. Voodoo’s a religion. You can’t learn it from a book. 
Dewey: Oh yeah? How about the bible? 
Huey: That’s different. 
Dewey: Look, we’re not hurting anybody, okay? It’s a precautionary thing. 
Frannie: Now for the powder. [takes out a handful and sprinkles some then blows the rest from her hand. 
Welsh: Vecchio! 
Frannie: Yes sir. 
Welsh: What's all this parafinallia. 
Frannie: Okay, this is anti curse parafinallia, okay. You got your graveyard dirt, you got your special powder and some cows blood, which I’m not entirely sure of because I think the entrée here says we’re suppose to drink it – 
Welsh: I want all this stuff out of my station. Immediately. 
Frannie: But what about the curse! 
Welsh: In about two seconds you’ll face the curse of unemployment. 
Frannie: But but but. [Welsh runs into a cop with about 200 files, knocking them out of his arms.] See? It’s getting worse. 
Huey: Come on, throw the blood on the skull. 
Dewey: But – 
Huey: Do it! 
Dewey: [opens jar with blood in it] Should I let that breath a little? 
Frannie: Just do it! 
Huey: Do it! 
Dewey: Okay, alright. 
Damien: Raymond. I didn’t think you were here, I didn’t see the car in the lot. 
Ray: I know. The…car..got… 
Damien: Got what? 
Ray: Boring. You know, driving everyday so I’m trying to get some uh exercise. 
Damien: Exercise? 
Ray: Yeah, you know, so a couple of morning a week I run in. it gets the cardial going. Its- 
Damien: You run in your work clothes? 
Ray: Yeah. It’s cold and it warms em up. 
Damien: Okay, well I’ll pick up the cam shaft, swing by your place. 
Ray: No! Cause that’s way to much trouble. Why don’t you wait until I have the car here. 
Damien: what about tomorrow? You can’t have it here tomorrow? 
Ray: Sure Dad, tomorrow. 
Damien: Okay, tomorrow it is then. See ya. 
[projects. The agents, Fraser and Ray pile out of car. People look to see who it is then kinda slink away] 
Fraser: Bet that kicks the hell out of your ego. People treat you like you got a bad smell. Perhaps we should go in alone. 
Agent Goodfellow: Good idea. 
Agent Gobrah: Maybe we should take a shower. 
[outside Laferette’s apartment] 
Ray: The guys dead, Fraser. I don’t really think he’s gonna be coming home for a visit. 
Fraser: Well if he were dead, that would be true. 
Ray: You don’t really give into this zombie stuff do you? Cause personally I don’t. but you? That would be unMountie like and unlogical. 
Fraser: It depends on what you mean by zombie. 
Ray: Dead guy walking. 
Fraser: That would be highly unlikely. There are however certain drugs that – for example, the gland secretions of the Boga frog are 100 times more powerful than digitalis or the puffer fish which contains a tetrodotoxin either of these would allow an individual to create a very convincing impression of death. 
Ray: Good enough to fool you? 
Fraser: Virtually undetectable. 
Ray: So then he’s faking it. 
Fraser: It would account for his leaving and Diefenbakers disappearance. 
Ray: Why’s the wolf hanging with the dead guy? 
Fraser: Mr. Laferette has a very powerful presence. Diefenbaker’s responding. 
[starts to knock but the door opens] 
Lady: You are not needed here. 
Fraser: We thought we could help. 
Gutman: Can you find Gerome? 
Fraser: Mr. Gutman, we are trying, yes. 
Gutman: I just stopped by to see if I could be of any help to Lisa. 
Mrs. Laferette: Mr. Gutman has been very good to myself and Gerome. 
Fraser: That was very thoughtful. 
Ray: You only have the other room? 
Gutman: If you’re looking for Gerome, I can assure you you’re not going to find him. 
Ray: Mind if I look around? 
Gutman: May I ask why you are doing this detective? 
Ray. No. [looking at bed with toys on it.] 
Gutman: Are you satisfied? 
Lady: They are never satisfied. 
Fraser: Terribly sorry for the inconvenience ma’am. We are just trying to help. 
Lady: We don’t need your help. We’re doing fine as we are. 
Fraser: I’m sure you are. In the meantime, I’d like to thank you for feeding Diefenbaker. I uh [takes money from hat] I hope this covers it. Oh by the way Mrs. Laferette is your daughter home? 
Lady: She’s at school. 
Fraser: And a good thing too. Well in the words of Plato, A soul takes nothing with it to the other world save it’s education and it’s culture. Thank you kindly. 
[hall] 
Ray: What was that ‘feeding Diefenbaker’ stuff? 
Fraser: I detected the scent the moment we entered the apartment. 
Ray: Well that means Laferette was in there too. 
Fraser: Almost certainly. 
Ray: Well let’s go back in there and bust them for harboring a fugitive. 
Fraser: We have no proof. 
Ray: We got proof Fraser, you smelled the dog. [more to himself] Smelled the dog…. Fraser! I think I’ve been working with you too long. 
[27th] 
Frannie: [on phone] Yeah sure Fraser, I’ll check it out. Okay. 
Huey: Do you know what? I think you need more blood. 
Dewey: Okay, More blood. 
Frannie: Yeah, we just might. Look [at book]. It says right here. 
Welsh: What’s that smell? Miss Vecchio I seem to recall issuing an order regarding mumbo jumbo. As there will be no mumbo jumbo. Does that ring a bell? 
Frannie: Yes sir. 
Welsh: Alright. Get rid of this stuff now and you two, get back to work. 
[Frannie gathers the bowl, out the door past Welsh telling a cop “I don’t care what happened to their bus, get them out of here” -- it’s a marching band-- “Left, right, left” – Back to Frannie past guy on ladder changing light bulb. Light bulb explodes, then another. Sparks everywhere. Lights are out now. Guy falls off ladder onto a gurney that heads down hall to the tune of someone yelling “Stop that guy” into a door, thru the glass on the door – sparks, dark, marching band goes down like dominos. Frannie rushes back to her desk, trash can catches fire. 
Frannie: The book! Look right here! [points to picture] 
Welsh: The book huh? [drops it into the burning trash can] Alright? [sprinklers go off] 
Frannie: [smiling knowingly] See? [points up] 
Welsh: Aw! 
Frannie: I’s the curse. 
Welsh: [heading for his office keeps repeating] Aw! 
[projects] 
Ray: Gutman’s weird. 
Fraser: I did sense a certain tension in the apartment. 
Agent Gobrah: He runs a clean shop as far as we can tell. 
Ray: As far as you can tell? Why? Are you investigating him? 
Agent Gobrah: We investigate everybody. His names come up a couple of times. Nothing concrete. Although a legitimate operation like Gutman’s could be a good cover for a sweatshop. Give you a way to distribute the product. And the voodoo could be useful too. 
Fraser: Voodoo? 
Agent Goodfellow: Yeah, he’s kinda hyped on it. 
Ray: Hyped on voodoo. 
Fraser: He did seem very knowledgeable. 
Agent Goodfellow: He’s what those is voodoo circles refer to as a hangan. 
Fraser: A Houngan? 
Agent Goodfellow: That’s what I said. 
Fraser: Ah – right. 
Agent Goodfellow: A lot of white guys never get that far into it. 
Fraser: Is that why he employed Gerome? 
Agent Goodfellow: Yeah. I guess. Laferette never talked that much about him. 
Agent Gobrah: Never talked about him at all. 
[phone rings it’s Frannie] 
Frannie: Yeah, it’s me, where’s Fras? 
Ray: Yeah, here. [passes the phone but keeps his hand out for it.] 
Frannie: Hey Fras That Laferette girl? She didn’t go to school today. She hasn’t been there all week. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Francesca. [passes phone back to Ray] I think e should have another conversation with Mrs. Laferette. [bang bang bang. Everyone but Fraser pulls out a gun] Ah. Fireworks. [Dief and Laferette are standing in an alley. Laferette swings up the gun he is holding] Dief. 
Ray: Gun! 
Agent Goodfellow: Hold it right there Laferette. 
[Dief takes gun from Laferette. Fraser is walking toward them. Laferette runs off a wall of flames shoots up. 
Fraser: Dief! 
Ray: Dief’s deaf. 
Fraser: Good point Ray. [runs thru flames into alley and searches. Laferette and Dief are gone. The flames die down] 
Ray: Are you alright? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Ray: You’re sure you’re okay? 
Fraser: Yeah. I’m fine. [turns toward Ray, we see the back of his coat] 
Ray: The reason I ask is because you’re on fire. 
Fraser: [unconcerned, glances at his back.] Oh. [Takes off coat and drops it. Looks down alley again] 
Fraser: Well the fire was real enough. 
Ray: What are you saying? This is magic? 
Fraser: Lighter fluid. This may not sound particularly logical but judging form the intense and immediate bond that he and Diefenbaker have formed, I believe Gerome is trying to do the right thing. 
Ray: So that included stealing cars and taking pot shots at cops. You have got a lot to learn about civics, Fraser. 
Agent Goodfellow: As usual nobody saw anything else, including the fire. 
Ray: Hey you know you blink and you miss a big wall of fire. Look, he planned the whole deal. Escape route the whole thing. 
Agent Goodfellow: Where’d you find this. 
Ray: Uh, Fraser found it – over there] 
[Fraser is gone.] 
Momma Lolla: Leave this alone. You don’t know what you’re messing with. 
Fraser: I know that you are frightened. And that Mrs. Laferette is frightened. 
Momma Lolla: I don’t know what you’re talking about. 
Fraser: I’m talking about Gerome’s daughter. 
Momma Lolla: Nothing has happened to Marie. 
Fraser: Then perhaps I could see her. I can’t let Gerome kill someone or be killed himself. I don’t think you could do that either. 
Momma Lolla: I’ve been working on him. [photo of Gutman on the altar] I’ve been working on him hard. 
Ray: [finally tracked the Mountie] Gutman? 
Momma Lolla: He’s a bokor. 
Ray: Broker? Like stock broker? 
Fraser: No, it’s bokor Ray. It’s a practitioner of black magic. 
Momma Lolla: Gutman uses voodoo to control folks working in his sweatshops. 
Fraser: The dark side of a Houngan. 
Ray: Oh, so this is the light side? 
Momma Lolla: You see you fight the dark with the dark. I don’t like it but that’s the only way it works but Gutman’s too strong for me. I can’t control him and Gerome won’t! 
Fraser: Because Gutman has his daughter. And in exchange for her safety, Gerome was ordered to kill two federal agents. He’s afraid. 
Momma Lolla: So we gotta put the hurtin on him. 
[Gutman’s] 
Gutman: What do you want Lolla? 
Momma Lolla: To bring you this. 
Gutman: You doing this to me? 
Momma Lolla: Gerome doing it. 
Gutman: He’s bluffing. It could cost him too much. 
Momma Lolla: Maybe [focus on the cloth with a skull in it.] Maybe, maybe not. I’m just delivering the message. 
[Gutman says something in Haitian???? Momma Lolla leaves, goes to car where Fraser and Ray are sitting] 
Momma Lolla: He got the message. 
Fraser: Good. 
Ray: Good? 
Fraser: Mr. Gutman now believes Mr. Laferette is no longer afraid of him. 
Ray: So? 
Fraser: He’ll wonder why. That should lead us to Marie. 
Momma Lolla: You know she’s a sweet little girl. You know I’m gonna work it. You find his goui [don’t know this word but she might mean Ju-Ju] 
Fraser: We will. 
Ray: Goui? What’s a goui? 
Fraser: It’s a vessel in which he keeps his pwin [again, don’t know this word but what he’d keep in a vessel is his reiki] or his spirit. It’s symbolic of his power. 
[Gutman is trying to work but keeps looking at the bundle Momma Lolla brought him. Background, you hear a voodoo chant. Too much for him, he hurries off to his sweatshop] 
Gutman: What’s she doing laying down like that? [woman fainted] Get her up and get her back to work. What is that? [another woman giving him a look] what is that look? What is that? You resent me? It that it? Is that it? You all resent me? Don’t you have any gratitude? What do you people want? What do you want? You want to go back home? You want to go back home? I’ll send you back home. Right back to the Tonton Macute with the long knives and the knock on the door in the middle of the night when they come and take your babies. Bayoba. Is that what you want? Get back to work. 
[the voodoo chant is to Papa Shango – who was once the fourth king of Yoruba – for anyone who wanted to know – Momma Lolla got to Shango before Gutman. 
Gutman: [in room with his alter and as he lights the candles] Papa. Papa Shango. 
[Fraser and Ray have followed him] 
Ray: What’s the matter with them? 
Fraser: They’re afraid. 
[Gutman and Momma Lolla compete for the ear of Shango. Fraser and Ray walk in on him while praying. He throws a powder at them and gets away.] 
Ray: [to Fraser] What are you doing? 
Fraser: His goui [Ju-Ju] [takes the vessel and heads back into sweatshop] 
Gerome: Tell me where my daughter is. 
Gutman: No. 
Ray: Laferette, put the gun down. 
Gerome: This is an evil man. 
Gutman: You’re not gonna shoot me Gerome. I’ve got your daughter. Listen to the bokor, Gerome. 
Ray: Gerome, put the gun down, we can work this thing out. [Momma Lolla brings ritual to Gutman] 
[Fraser hands Gerome the vessel and he breaks it. Smiles at Fraser] 
[Fraser feels along a wall] 
Ray: What are you looking for? 
Fraser: A trigger mechanisms. 
[finds it, the wall opens] 
Marie: Daddy? 
Gerome: Marie! [kissing and hugging the child] 
[27th where everything gets wrapped up] 
Agent Goodfellow: He’s on his own recognize. We should be able to cut a deal. He shouldn’t do any jail time. [Acknowledging Ray] Detective. 
Ray: Agent. 
Agent Goodfellow: Constable. It’s been a real slice. 
Fraser: Of what? 
Agent Gobrah: He’s Canadian. 
Agent Goodfellow: Right. Catch you later. 
Damien: [holding cam box] Raymond! Pitter patter, let’s get at her. Daylights burning. 
[Ray gives Fraser a look like he’s about to go to death row] 
Ray: Dad. I got something to tell ya. 
Damien: What is it son? 
Ray: The car. It’s not here. I lent it to a guy for the weekend so he can take photographs of it for a magazine called uh, black old classic cars so – 
Damien: Look me in the eye and tell me that again. [he can’t] Police called your apartment while your mother was ironing shirts. You parked it beside a hydrant. I got it out of the pound, it’s outside. [Ray smiles at his dad] 
Ray: Thanks. [hugs his dad, knocking box out of dad’s hands] I’ll get it. 
Damien: It’s okay. I’ll…there's no need to lie to us you know. Your mother and I are fully functioning adults. We can handle the truth. 
Ray: Remember that antique lamp that I said the cat broke. It was me. 
Damien: Yeah, I know son. 
Ray: And the time after school when I had the black eye. That did not happen in gym. That uh, I got into a fight. 
Damien: I know son. [heading out of station] 
Ray: Remember when I was 14? And the station wagon went missing? 
Damien: Yeah? 
Ray: That was me. 
Damien: You stupid son of a bitch. 
Frannie [to Momma Lolla]: Okay, so the curse is lifted? Well, what about the grass, that’s not normal. 
Momma Lolla: Well I just threw around some seed and somebody starts watering em. 
Frannie: So there never was a curse? 
Momma Lolla: If it was that easy, everybody’d be doing it. 
Frannie: [tosses a chunk of grass on the desk and leaves] So there was no curse. 
[you get a look at the room. Grass is growing on everyone’s desk. 

Gerome [says his goodbye to Dief] I have to Thank you Constable. 
Fraser: There’s no need. Just make sure you keep your Gros Ban Ange healthy. 
Gerome: And you. 
[Dief whines when Gerome goes to claim his daughter] 
Fraser: [because Dief is trying to decide if he should go or stay with Fraser] Well it is your decision. You are familiar with the concept of free will. It’s up to you. [Dief decides to stay] Thank you kindly. [now he whines about wanting something to eat] Hungry? [Sure!] Get it yourself. [Fraser seems pleased with himself] 

End of Mojo Rising
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mountie Sings the Blues

**Inspector Thatcher's Office** 
Thatcher: These orders are straight from the Minister of Industry, Trade and Commerce. 
Fraser: I see they're classified, Sir. 
Thatcher [licking envelopes]: Yes...well, no. I have my own stamp. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Thatcher: Canada's Sweetheart needs protecting. 
Fraser: They feel her life may be in danger while she's here in Chicago? 
Thatcher: Danger! As if those pencil-neck geeks in Industry, Trade and Commerce would know danger if it jumped up and pierced their spleen with an ice pick. I know danger. I live [lick] danger. 
Fraser: Indeed you do, Sir. 
Thatcher: We will not be part of any [stands up and walks across room]...what is that noise...publicity circus. My command here in Chicago has been characterized by one word, dignity. 
[Opens door, finds Turnbull in apron, rubber gloves and mask vacuuming the entry hall] 
Turnbull: Hello, Sir. I was just freshening up the Regal Suite. 
Thatcher: You are not a char lady, Turnbull. You are a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted [doorbell rings] 
Turnbull: Oh! It's them! It's them! It's them! 
[Turnbull stumbles over vacuum cleaner in his excitement. Thatcher bangs her forehead on the wall and groans. Fraser opens consulate door.] 
Fraser: Good afternoon and welcome. [Earl Jeffers barges in, checks the entry hall and speaks into walkie talkie.] 
Earl: It's clear. Bring her in. [To Fraser] Earl Jeffers. I head up security. 
Fraser. Ah. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I... 
Earl: You came looking for the guy who killed your father. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Earl: I've seen your file. 
Fraser: I see. 
[Tracy Jenkins and her manager, George Monroe, enter the consulate.] 
Fraser: Good afternoon, and welcome to the... 
Turnbull: Oh! Oh! It's Tracy! [Turnbull faints] 
Thatcher: Canadian Consulate. 
**Thatcher's Office** 
George: This was faxed to the hotel last night [hands Thatcher a fax] from somewhere in Chicago. 
Thatcher: "If I can't have you, no one will." 
Fraser: It's a death threat? 
Thatcher: Possibly. 
Fraser: Did you check the number? 
Earl: It's a cyber grind...internet computer joint. 
Turnbull: Oh, over on Madison. 
Earl: Yeah. That's the one. Any creep could have sent it. [To Tracy] You gotta keep your head down. 
Tracy: George, look, I...I... 
George: Trace, I agree with Earl. We got some kind of wacko out here on the loose. 
Tracy: Look. I'm playing the Music Hall. End of discussion. 
George: You're a star! 
Tracy [to Fraser and Thatcher]: You know, you see the problem here is that he won't book me in a club that sits two hundred people. He's always booking me in front of fifty or sixty thousand...and not a paying customer can get close enough to even see if it's me. I just...I can't see their faces, George. You know with the music, it's about getting closer to the people, okay? 
Fraser: Well indeed it is, but I think in this case Mr. Monroe's advice is prudent. This letter demonstrates all the characteristics of an obsessive-compulsive disorder coupled with delusional symptoms and an escalating pathological desire. 
Earl: Back home we don't trust a man who talks too much. 
Fraser: Ah. Where I come from, we don't trust a man who leaves the house without a knife, a compass and some beef jerky. [To Tracy] What time are you scheduled to arrive at the club? 
Tracy: 8:30. 
**Front entrance of the Music Hall** 
[It's crowded with fans. Woman masquerading as Tracy Jenkins and Turnbull exit limousine and walk toward entrance. Sniper from opposite rooftop shoots the woman.] 
Ray [as he bolts from the crowd]: Across the street! [reaches the undercover policewoman who has fallen to the ground] MacAfferty?! 
MacAfferty: They said the vest was just a formality, Vecchio. 
Ray: You okay? 
MacAfferty: As far as I can tell. Oh, no! My shoulder! 
Ray: [into walkie-talkie] Shots fired! Officer down! Officer down! 
[Fraser reaches roof of building on the opposite side of the street and finds a picture of Tracy Jenkins. Gazes across the street at the crowd and police in front of the Music Hall.] 
**Welsh's Office** 
Tracy: I can't believe this bullet was meant for me. 
Ray: Yeah, for you. 
Tracy: And the officer? 
Welsh: They're keeping her overnight in the hospital; but she'll be all right. 
Tracy: What's her name? I...I don't even know what her name is. 
Welsh: MacAfferty. 
Tracy: MacAfferty. 
Welsh: Officer MacAfferty. 
Tracy: Oh. 
Fraser: And this was found at the scene. [Holds up a publicity photo of Tracy Jenkins.] 
George: We send those out to fans by the thousands. 
Welsh: Dewey, take this stuff down to Forensics. I want a full report on my desk by nine. 
Dewey: You got it. 
Tracy: I'm sorry, George. I should have listened to you. 
**Squad Room* 
Turnbull: How is she? 
Dewey: Trace? 
Turnbull: Trace? 
Dewey: Yeah, we're...we're tight. 
Turnbull: So she's.... 
Dewey: She's good. 
Turnbull: Oh, I knew it! She's a fighter! 
Huey: Tracy Jenkins. Wow. 
Turnbull: Yeah. 
Francesca: How can you like country music? 
Turnbull: Ohhhh, Miss Vecchio. The mournful longings...the lament for a better life. Some ethnomusicologists refer to country music as the white man's blues. 
Francesca: Blues. 
Turnbull: Sure. Look at me. 
Francesca: Country music is nothing but pick up trucks, trains, and donkeys, okay?! 
Dewey: Donkeys, right, okay. Why don't you name one song with donkeys in it? 
Francesca: Puhleeze. There's millions! 
Huey: Oh yeah? Name one. [pauses for answer.] Annhh!!! 
**Welsh's Office** 
Welsh: We'll continue on the fan stalker angle. You have a list of the fan club? The Chicago Branch? Maybe we...we might get lucky. 
George: Got the data base in my laptop. 
Ray: What about fan mail? 
Earl: The actual letters? 
Ray: Yeah. 
Earl: They're back in Nashville at the office. 
Welsh: How soon can you get them here? 
Earl: Tomorrow morning. 
Ray: Good. 
Welsh: All right. For your own safety, don't go back to your hotel 'til we get this guy off the street. 
Tracy: Okay. 
Fraser: Uh, Sir. I think Miss Jenkins will be safe and uh...quite comfortable at the Canadian Consulate. [Dief's licking Tracy's face.] And she's obviously very welcome. If you'll excuse me for a minute. [Fraser walks over, opens the office door, and speaks into Turnbull's ear.] 
Turnbull: Yee hee hee HEE! [Fraser closes the door.] 
Welsh: What the hell was that?! 
Fraser: The sound of a grown man squealing in a manner not becoming to a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Welsh: Oh, Turnbull. 
Fraser: Hmmm. 
**Squad Room** 

Francesca: Donkey Kong Angels. 
Dewey: That's Honky Tonk Angels, Kitty Wells. I don't think she was singing about video games back in the fifties. 
[A belligerent man enters the squad room, followed by a female officer. It's Dwight, Tracy's estranged husband.] 
Officer: You can't go in there! 
Dwight: Yeah? Just watch me. 
Officer: Look, I said...you just... 
Huey: Problem? 
Officer: Yes. 
Dwight: Why don't you just take twenty, Sweetheart, all right? I'm looking for my wife. I wanta see.... 
Huey: Wife? 
[Tracy, Earl, George, Welsh, Ray and Fraser enter the squad room from Welsh's office] 
Dwight: Baby. 
Earl: That far enough, Dwight. 
Tracy: It's okay, Earl. 
Dwight: What! I gotta hear this on the radio? You can't call me? 
Tracy: Well. There's a lot of bars between here and Tennessee, Dwight. Guess I just didn't know which one to call. 
Dwight: Aww, that's cold, Baby. Because you know if anything ever happened to you... 
Tracy [to Earl]: Listen, we need to get him... 
Dwight: You know that.... 
Tracy: To a motel.... 
Dwight: I couldn't... 
Tracy: And we'll deal with him later. 
Dwight: What? Wha...wha...what?! You're gonna deal with me?! Deal with me?! 
Earl: That's enough, Dwight. 
Dwight: Who wrote the damn tune! 
Earl: That's enough! You're going home! 
Dwight: And I regret it too! 
Earl: Drop it Dwight! Come on! 
**Consulate entry hall** 
[Doorbell rings; Turnbull opens the door to Tracy and Fraser.] 
Turnbull: Ahh, welcome. In honor of your stature as the Queen of Country Music, I have prepared the Regal Suite and oh...uh..uh...also..uh...on behalf of your privacy, I intercepted a number of messages. A man named Sid called about uh...I don't know. I sent them packing. Uh...a reporter looking for an interview. I also sent him packing. And a very curious conversation with a man named 'The Coast"; something about a movie thingie. 
Fraser: Turnbull. Miss Jenkins has had a very full day... 
Turnbull: Say no more, Sir. This calls for something calming, some Saskatoon Berry Tea. [Turnbull leaves to get tea.] 
Fraser: I'm sorry. He's uh...well, shall we? [They start toward the stairs.] Your life sounds very busy. 
Tracy: Well, George has a motto you know. Busy is bigger, bigger's better I think he's got it tattooed somewhere actually. Uh...I love George but uh...I wonder what happened to the simple things. 
Fraser: Well, I often ask myself the very same question. 
Tracy: Thanks for tonight. 
Fraser: Oh, it was nothing. 
Tracy: You saved my life Fraser. Thank you. [She kisses him lightly on the cheek.] 
Fraser: You uh...my cheek. [Dief barks.] Right uh...that's uh...sixteen stairs. Here's the landing. Follow me please. 
**Squad Room next morning** 
Welsh: All right everybody, listen up. I have a medical update on Officer MacAfferty. She sustained some muscle damage to her right arm, but she's gonna be just fine. 
Ray: Uh...they checked out the Cyber Grind Café and nothing. Mind you those space cadets couldn't ID Monica Lewinsky if she was interning for 'em. 
Welsh: All right. Give it the hard work. Let me know if Monica shows up. 
Ray: Uh, Frannie. What did you get? 
Francesca: Listen to this - Russia. "Dear Tracy. You have been an eyesore to us these past three months in our sensory canal. We flatter you, Oh Courageous Queen. 'I Can't Love Again' is for us the gate key to leave Siberia and become super models". Signed Olga and Vaselina. 
Ray: Vaselina - super models. They got a return address on that? 
Dewey: Why are you cheapening this? I mean listen to what they're saying. That song gave them hope. 
Francesca: Yeah. Just like you hope there's no donkey in a country song. 
Huey: Fifty bucks. 
Francesca: You're on. 
Huey; You got it. 
Fraser: You know, letter writing can sometimes be something of an art. 
Francesca: Yeah. Some are just plain creepy. 
Fraser: Hmm. 
**Huey and Dewey's desks** 
Dewey: You know what? You know what we should do? 
Huey: What? 
Dewey: We should write one. 
Huey: Write what? A letter? 
Dewey: No, a country song. I mean, how hard can it be? 
Huey: Yeah. Could be fun, huh. We could cut a CD. 
Dewey: Watch it go platinum. 
Huey: Or we could make some real money. Write some jingles and have the song used in a commercial. 
Dewey: No, no, I'm not going to allow my music to be prostituted like that, okay? I'm not going to compromise my principles. 
Huey: Oh please. You don't have any music, or principles. 
**Francesca's desk** 
Fraser: Now this group is harmless; this group is threatening to some degree; and, thank you, Dief; this pile Diefenbaker found to be particularly offensive. 
Dewey: Hey. [yells to group at Francesca's desk] Check this one out. Got a guy here; he sends in a stack of lottery tickets so that she can bless them. 
Francesca: So why didn't he just send them to the Pope? 
Ray: Cause the Pope can't carry a tune in a bucket, okay? Who's the biggest freak show? 
Francesca: Well, we've got a wide assortment, but it seems the most dedicated one is a Mr. Carver Dunn. 
Ray: Oooh, a hometown boy. 
Francesca: Look at this. There were 114 letters written over a three-month period, all of them ending with "Your One True Love". 
Ray: Hold on a second. You got a copy of that fax? 
Fraser: Uh huh, any connection? 
Ray: Uh, same lingo. Uh, run him Frannie. 
Fraser: Lingo is a...well it's a tenuous connection. 
Ray: Tenuous? 
Fraser: Ummm. 
Ray: Look. "If I can't have you, no one will." "If I can't have you, no one will". 
Fraser: Yes, but Ray, these letters...I mean apart from being...uh...uh...a testament to the sad and lonely absurdity of man's cruel fate, are relatively benign; whereas this fax is a virtual torrent of mental illness. 
Francesca: Ooh! Ooh! Look at this. Carver Dunn; disturbing the peace, loitering... 
Ray: Who gets busted for loitering? 
Francesca: Fruitcakes. 
Ray: Uh huh. 
Francesca: He's got a restraining order against him. 
Fraser [reading over Frannie's shoulder]: Forbidding him to go within a hundred yards of Linda Lawless, singer. Well, it would appear that perhaps I was..uh... 
Ray: Wrong. 
Fraser: Wrong, and that...maybe we should uh... 
Ray: Pick him up. 
Fraser: Pick him up. 
**Squad Room - after Ray and Fraser have brought in Carver Dunn** 
Dunn: I'm a wacko! Who'd give a wacko a permit?! 
Fraser: The state of Florida seems to have a loose approach to gun ownership. 
Ray: You ever been to Florida? 
Dunn: Once, to see Mickey. 
Ray: Did he give you a gun? 
Dunn: He's a mouse, Mister! I was six! Where's my lawyer? 
Ray: How 'bout we give him a paraffin test. See if he fired a weapon recently. 
Fraser [sniffs Dunn's fingers]: Won't work, Ray. Peroxide. 
Dunn: I dyed my mother's hair this morning. That's not a crime.
Ray: In the state of Illinois, yes it is, Pal. It is a crime to be your mother's hairdresser. 
Dunn: I'm not a hairdresser, Mister! I'm a stylist. 
Fraser: "If I can't have you, no one will". Did you write these words? 
Dunn: There's a fan club. They ask you to write in. That's not a crime. 
Ray: A police officer was shot. That's attempted murder. That is a crime 
Welsh: Vecchio! Mr. Dunn is lawyered up. 
Ray: Oh well - very, very sorry - terrible, terrible mistake [pulls Dunn up from chair] -let's go [drags him toward door] - you're free to go - thanks a lot for coming - bye bye - your parking will be validated at the door [shoves him out the door] - thank you. 
**Welsh's Office* 
George: You're letting him go? He's written a million letters, tried to put a bullet in her, and you're letting him go?! 
Welsh: I'll have two of my best men parked outside his house. But right now we have nothing that places him at the scene of the shooting. Unless we have some solid evidence we can take to the State's Attorney's Office, there's...there's really not much more we can do. 
George: Until she's dead; is that what you're saying? [Fraser, Ray and Welsh all mumble negatives] Cops! 
**Consulate Entry Hall** 
Turnbull: It's called 'I Won't Be Home for Supper Because They are Gonna Hang Me Tonight'. It's a story song that blends the world of horticulture with the world of bank robbery. [Earl enters consulate smoking a cigar.] 
Earl: Trace, you ready? 
Turnbull: Excuse me, but this is a non-smoking environment. 
Earl: This is a cigar. [To Tracy] We got about a half hour 'til the session. 
Turnbull: I could sing it in a heartbeat. 
Earl: I am set to go. 
Turnbull: I could do it in double time. 
Trace: All right, Constable. 
Earl: Tracy... 
Tracy: Listen, he...he's a songwriter. You never know where my next hit record's gonna come from. So uh...go on to the car, okay Earl? I'll be right out, all right? 
Earl: Okay; you're the boss. 
Tracy: So Constable, how many verses in this song of yours? 
Turnbull: Oh! [grabs chair] Twenty-one and a half. 
[Earl waiting in limo finds a stir stick in the car seat with Cyber Café on it] 
**Recording Studio** 
[Tracy is on stage singing 'Nobody's Girl' with a female back-up singer who's singing off key. Ray and Fraser are in the sound room with George, Dwight and the sound man [wearing headphones] viewing the rehearsal through the window.] 
Sound Man: Just a touch flat on that, Arlene. Let's take another run at it. 
Ray [on cell phone]: Any sign of Carver yet? 
Huey [on stakeout with Dewey at Carver's place]: No, nothing yet. 
Ray: Right. Well let me know if he sticks his head out. 
**Stake Out** 
Dewey [singing]: 'Don't call me for supper if you don't mean to feed me; don't tell me you love me with that gun in your hand.' What d'ya think of that? 
Huey: Uh...I dunno. What's it mean though? 
Dewey: What's what mean? 
Huey: Like...is he going to shoot her or what? 
Dewey: Uh...how would I know? 
Huey: You wrote it. 
Dewey: Well, I know I wrote it. It's a song! It's not suppose to mean anything. 
Huey: Of course it does. It's a song. That's the whole point of song writing. It's suppose to have significance. 
**Recording Studio** 
Sound Man: Still a little flat on that one. 
Arlene: I'm sorry. I can get the note. 
George: Question is when. [mike is on and Arlene overhears him] Five hundred an hour, I'm not sure I wanna know the answer. [Arlene yanks off her headset and walks off stage] 
Tracy: George, the mike was still on. 
Sound Man: How 'bout we take five everybody. 
George: [To sound man as Tracy's coming to the sound room]: You killed a pig with your bare hands? 
Tracy: George, there's no call to be so mean. [To Ray and Fraser] Do you mind guys? 
Ray [to Fraser as they leave]: I thought she was pretty good. 
Fraser: Good as in attractive? 
Ray: I don't care. 
Dwight: Look, her name is Arlene Williams. She was in the band that opened for us in Minneapolis. Remember the one with the regional hit? 
Tracy: Look, I hire the talent, Dwight; always have, always will. 
Dwight: Oh well, hey, God forbid that the great Tracy Jenkins would need anybody else's help. 
**Studio** 
[Fraser's picking out the tune 'Nobody's Girl' on the piano.] 
Muddy: Hey...what are ya doin' there, Son? 
Fraser: Well, it just occurred to me that if the song were moved up a minor third it might ease the tempo and release the vocal. 
Muddy: Now that just occurred to ya? 
Fraser: Yes, Sir. 
**Sound Room** 
Tracy: Dwight, this girl may have a talent but since it doesn't appear to be singing, maybe you can tell me what her talent is, huh? 
Dwight: Ohhh, how cold is that heart of yours, Baby, huh? And how hard would it be to allow me to contribute every now and then, huh? 
George: Contribute! Contribute! Your contribution turns out to be a girl who couldn't hold a tune with handcuffs! 
Dwight: Am I talking to you, huh? Do I ever talk to you? 
Sound Man [returning to the sound room]: Issue's dead guys. Arlene just quit. 
Dwight: Nice work, George. Good management there, Buddy. Why don't you go on out there and see if you can't lose the rest of the band while you're on a roll. 
**Studio** 
[Tracy walks up singing 'Nobody's Girl' as Fraser plays the tune on the piano] 
Tracy: You sing? 
Fraser: Me, sing? No, no, no, no...well, when I was a child - church choirs. Well, if we were within sledding distance. 
Tracy: Oh. That minor third idea, that - that is a great idea. [To Muddy] Let's get him a mike. 
Muddy: Boys, we're gonna try a little somethin' here. It's a little bit country, and it's a little bit rock and roll. 
Fraser: Well, no, no, no...I'm, I'm, I uh...I mean I, I... 
**Hallway** 
[Ray and Earl are sitting together. Earl is sipping alcohol from a small container] 
Ray: Kind of a...high maintenance job, huh? Running security for artistes? 
Earl: Hah, yeah. Well, it's better than my last job. Worked homicide for two years, Memphis PD. 
Ray: Hmm, Memphis. [accepts the alcohol from Earl] You ever meet Elvis? 
Earl: Yep. Coupla days ago. Nice guy. Bit tubby. 
Ray: Tubby. 
[Squad Room at the Precinct] 
Turnbull: Miss Vecchio. 
Francesca: Well, Turnbull? 
Turnbull: I got your message. 
Francesca: You coulda just called me back. 
Turnbull: Well, you said it was important, and it's only 97 blocks. 
Francesca: Listen, um, you're kind of a country music expert, right? 
Turnbull: Well, I am a buff, yes; a devotee, possibly an aficionado, but an expert, heh, you flatter me. 
Francesca: Okay, whatever, listen. I got fifty bucks riding on this. Do you know of any songs about donkeys? 
Turnbull: I'll certainly put my mind to it. 
Francesca: Great. Thanks. 
Turnbull: Oh, uh, uh...if you'll do me the favor of allowing me to convince you of the depth and resonance of country music. 
Francesca: Yeah, well, I'm kinda busy right now. 
Turnbull: Uh, oh, perhaps, um, during your lunch we could have a beverage, non-alcoholic, caffeine-free, sugarless.... 
Francesca: You mean like a date? 
Turnbull: A - a - a date, a date, wow - a date. Um - possibly - perhaps - yes. 
Francesca: Um, I just, I just, I can't leave the building, and I'm kinda - I'm kinda working through lunch. 
Turnbull: Say no more. 
**Recording Studio** 
[Tracy is singing 'Nobody's Girl' with Fraser as back up. Ray is in the sound room] 
Ray: That man has the rhythm of a stick. Come on, Fraser. Do something. Move. 
**Hallway at Recording Studio**  [Earl enters Tracy's dressing room surreptitiously.] 
**Squad Room at the Precinct** 
[Turnbull has arranged a candle-lit lunch for two] 
Turnbull: You said you couldn't leave the building, and I have a friend who lives nearby so I borrowed his kitchen to whip you up alliatelli acatuchio companudorie evisilico dafiena mosca. 
Francesca: So, is this like a prerequisite for being a Mountie? You just have to be completely nutty? I mean I was just thinking of a hot dog from a street vendor. 
Turnbull: Oh, no, no, the fecal matter count is far too high, far too high Do you like poetry, Miss Vecchio? [Willie Nelson song 'You Were Always on My Mind' is playing in the background] 
Francesca: Poetry? Yeah, yeah, I like poetry. "We are the hollow man. We are...the fulfilled guys." Yeah, I love poetry. 
Turnbull: Oh, I'm glad. I'm so very glad. Because you see country music is the poetry of the people - unaffected - heartfelt. It has great strength and - and beauty. And if you love the tender muscle of the English language, you have to love a man for simply saying [in unison with Willie Nelson] - you are always on my mind. 
Francesca: I'm always on your mind? 
Turnbull: I know of a mule. 
Francesca: You do? 
Turnbull: Different from a donkey, genetically speaking; but metaphorically, very agreeable. Walter Brennan, 'That Mule, Old Rivers, and Me'. 
Francesca: I was always on your mind? [Turnbull grins sheepishly] 
[Female police officers observing the two] 
Officer 1: Must be the uniform. 
Officer 2: Isn't that sweet. 
**Recording Studio** 
Sound Man: You should sign this guy up. 
George: I just might. 
Muddy: That was damn good, I mean damn good! 
Fraser: Well, thank you, Mr. Muddy. 
Muddy: Keep rockin'. 
Fraser: Excuse me [joins Ray]. 
Ray: Forensics got a partial print off the postcard but nothing they can use. You seen Earl? 
Fraser: No, I was uh... 
Ray: Moving like a block of wood. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Ray: Singing like a bird. 
Fraser: Really? 
Ray: I didn't tell you what kind of bird. 
Fraser: Oh. 
George: Anyone seen Tracy? 
**Stake Out** 
[Carver Dunn leaves his house while Huey and Dewey are working on their song] 
Dewey [singing]: Do you mind if I talk, do you mind if I speak. 
Huey: Yeah! 
Dewey: Do you mind if I speak, do you mind if I speak, I would like to be frank; your cooking is wretched and.... 
Huey: This coffee's rank. 
Dewey: Perfect. 
Huey: No, no, no. This coffee [holds up his cup] is rank. 
Dewey: Who cares? It rhymes. 
Huey [answering cell phone]: Yeah. 
**Recording Studio** 
Ray [into cell phone]: Watch him! Do not let him move out of the house. We may have lost her. I - I said may have lost her. 
[Fraser finds Dief locked in Tracy's dressing room and returns to the studio] 
Fraser: We have lost her. 
**Club** 
[Dunn and Earl are at a table together] 
Dunn: Did you get the underpants? 
Earl: Stockings. 
Dunn: You said underpants. 
Earl: I said stockings. 
Dunn: Jeez! You wouldn't be forgetting about those racketeering charges in Memphis now would you? 
Earl: You know, I was in Yellow Springs once - Ohio. 
Dunn: Oh? 
Earl: Sitting across the table from a guy kind of like you - a little diddler. And it didn't take much - two hands, short move. Both his eyeballs were hanging out of his sockets. 
Dunn: Wha-what are you trying to say? 
Earl: Check the statute of limitations. As of tomorrow I'm off the hook. 
Dunn: Well, maybe your boss would like to know tonight. 
Earl: You see this is how it works grabs Dunn's face between his hands] You put your thumbs here, then you pop the eyes like you're opening a can of beer. I see your eyes swinging on your cheeks. All you see is your boots. [slams Dunn back into his chair – Dunn runs off - waitress walks up] 
Waitress: Will there be anything else? 
Earl: Just the check please. 
[Unknown assailant comes up behind Earl and shoots him in the neck with a gun that has a silencer. He takes the stir stick from Earl's shirt pocket and leaves. Earl slowly falls forward. Another patron screams.] 
**Club - after police arrive** 
Waitress: Well, I was working the floor on account of Doreen had some kind of foot fungus thing which is typical; and there's the normal bunch of creeps and we had a special party, a stag for a guy named Smith, and then the dead guy who ordered for one. [hands Fraser Earl's ticket] 
Fraser: Double bacon, double cheese, double mayo. It's not very healthy. 
Ray: Better than a bullet. 
Fraser: Does this time code here indicate the time he paid? 
Waitress: No, no, no. That's the time I rang it in. The guy died before he paid me; which is typical. Now I'm out $8.99. He didn't have any loose bills on him did he? 
Fraser: Emm, no. [pulls money from his stetson] But I'd be happy to take care of that. 
Waitress: Oh, is this Canadian? 
Fraser: Yes, it is. 
Waitress: Better make it a hundred. 
Fraser: Ray? 
**Welsh's Office** 
[Ray, Fraser, Huey and Dewey are lined up in front of LT Welsh's desk] 
Welsh [to Huey and Dewey]: You were writing a song? The prime suspect in the shooting of a police officer eluded surveillance because you were writing a song?! We'll revisit this momentarily. [To Ray and Fraser] Do we have anything that places Carver at the scene of the crime? [no response] Is there any evidence that anybody was at the scene of the crime?! 
Fraser: There were twenty-three other men at the club, Sir. Unfortunately their attention was largely diverted by a number of women who were performing what I'm told is a form of modern dance. 
Ray: Uh, the waitress figured that the um - dead guy was waiting for someone. 
Welsh: Hmph. That would be Carver Dunn - who miraculously slipped through our usually vice-like police dragnet, and managed to get to the club at 3:35. 
Dewey: Sir, according to the reports, everybody who knew the deceased had opportunity. 
Ray: Including Tracy Jenkins. 
Welsh: Who also miraculously slipped through our usually vice-like police dragnet! 
Fraser: Yes, Sir. We had, or rather I had, become momentarily blinded by the bright lights of the music business. 
Welsh: Is that so? 
Fraser: Yes, Sir. 
Welsh: And you? 
Ray: You know my eyes, Sir; but uh - we're working on another angle. 
Welsh: Oh good, good, good, good. That's encouraging. And how about you guys; you got anything? 
Dewey: Actually uh - we're pretty close. 
Huey: Yes, Sir. 'There's a house we call love, built next door to hate, and both them got lawns with a white picket gate. Their taxes don't differ and their water's the same.' 
Dewey: One more line? We got that chorus, Sir. [LT Welsh rubs his hands down his face] Oh, you meant in terms of police work. I see. Okay. [Dewey and Huey hastily depart as messenger enters the office] 
Messenger: Yo, Ray. This guy, Mr. Brown-Smith-Jones dropped this off for you. [hands Ray a video] 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Ray, Fraser and LT Welsh view the tape - it's from a security camera at the club] 
Ray: What losers. This stag party really sucks. 
Welsh: Here it is - top of the frame. [video shows Earl seated at a table in the club] 
Fraser: He was expecting someone [tape reaches the end] 
Ray: Couple of more seconds and we would have had it. 
Fraser: We may still have it. [rewinds tape to a frame that shows Carver Dunn in the background] There's your man. 
Welsh: Pick him up. 
**Consulate** 
George: Now Sweetheart, I want you to get some sleep. First thing in the morning we'll try and patch things up with Dwight. The man loves you in his own way and as crazy as he makes me, he did write The Tune. He's always been part of the team. 
Tracy: Well, George... 
George: What? 
Tracy: What about Earl? Wasn't he part of the team? 
George: Yes, Darlin', he was. And what happened to him is a sad, sad thing. And if I sound casual about it, believe me I don't feel casual. And that's why you running off like you did today scares me half to death. 
Tracy: I just feel like I'm living in a fishbowl and it's driving me crazy 
George: I know, I know, I know...and that's why I am gonna look at all the bookings. I'm gonna find you some breathing room. In the meantime, you stay here. Stay safe. Stay put. Let the Mountie look after you. I'll call you first thing in the morning. [kisses her on the forehead] Get some sleep. 
Tracy: Okay. 
**Fraser's room** 
[Fraser's strumming on the guitar when Tracy enters the room with a bottle of wine and two glasses] 
Tracy: Hi. I hope this isn't too forward. I was just having some trouble sleeping and I heard your guitar. Thought I'd... 
Fraser: Oh, no, no, no. Please. 
Tracy: Sit? 
Fraser: Please. To be entirely truthful, I was having difficulty sleeping also. 
Tracy: Entirely truthful - well, that's a concept. Would you like a drink? 
Fraser: Oh no. Thank you. I don't drink. Well, unless it's the obligatory toast to the Queen's health. 
Tracy: So you don't lie and you don't drink. 
Fraser: No. 
Tracy: You're a rare specimen Constable. 
Fraser: Oh, I shouldn't think so. You know not all men are like... 
Tracy: Awww...like my husband Dwight? You know underneath it all, he's a good man. He wrote my first hit song 'Scaredy Cat'. We never call it by the title though. We've always just called it The Tune. I'm - I'm grateful for that song. 
Fraser: How did you get started singing? 
Tracy: Sixteen years old first time I stepped foot on stage. Fwinfwon [sp?] Manitoba. There was about 20 people in the audience, but uh - I knew right then what I was going to do with my life. Just seems so far away now. It's gotten so complicated. 
[Fraser removes a pine needle from her hair] 
Fraser: Were you at the Strattonger Building today? 
Tracy: I'm divorcing Dwight. My lawyers are there. How'd you know? 
Fraser: Pine needle. They have a magnificent northern pine in the lobby. I often go there if I'm...homesick. 
Tracy: So, do you have a home up north? 
Fraser: Um hm, yeah. Well - it's a cabin actually. Well - lean-to really 
Tracy: Well maybe I can see it sometime. 
Fraser: That would be nice. 
**Downtown**  [patrolman spots Dwight and goes after him] 
**Squad Room - Francesca's Desk** 
Fraser: Let's see what Mr. Dunn has in his knapsack. 
Francesca: Tracy Jenkins poster, Tracy Jenkins tape, pair of silk stockings -I don't even want to know - two unopened Tracy Jenkins CD's. 
Fraser: [looks at CD receipt] Hmm, excuse me. 
**Interrogation Room** 
Ray: We got a piece of tape that puts you in the bar. 
Dunn: There were a lot of other people in that bar, Mister. 
Ray: We searched your room. We found this in your closet, newspaper clippings. It seems the deceased had some trouble with the law, which you used to blackmail him, which he got sick of, which forced you to kill him. 
Dunn: I didn't kill him! 
Ray: You didn't?! 
Dunn: No! 
Fraser [as he enters room]: No he didn't, Ray. 
Ray: [aside to Fraser] Come on Fraser; I'm really laying on the lumber here. 
Fraser: I realize that and I apologize; but he is telling the truth. He's innocent. 
**Interrogation Room after LT Welsh arrives** 
Dunn: Yeah, sometimes he'd bring me stuff - stockings and stuff. And sometimes he'd get 'em. Except some stuff he couldn't get, like I really, really wanted a pair of her... 
Welsh: Save it, Mush Mouth. 
Dunn: Don't tell my mom, okay Mister? 
Welsh [to Ray and Fraser]: Outside. 
Ray [as he walks out]: Someone oughta check that guy's freezer. 
**Hallway outside Interrogation Room** 
Welsh: So if our clocks tally, our little extortionist was at the other end of the street playing a CD when the guy was killed. 
Fraser: And the clocks do tally, Sir; and the clerk identified him from a photograph. 
Welsh: Dutch! Set Carver free please. 
Ray [to Fraser]: Coffee? [Ray and Fraser continue walking to the break room] So if the killer's not Carver, it's got to be somebody who knew Carver was gonna meet Earl. 
Fraser: Well, not necessarily. I mean the killer could have just followed Earl and then killed him when the first opportunity to do so presented itself. 
Ray: Okay, someone tries to kill the star. Then somebody does kill the star's bodyguard. Come on, no connection? The peroxide, the letters, the silk stockings? The guy's a pervert. 
Fraser: Well, I agree he's a pervert. He's also an extortionist. Ray, I do not believe Mr. Dunn had anything to do with either shooting. [Francesca joins them] 
Francesca: Maybe someone's trying to frame him. Like, let's look at the husband. There's rumors of a divorce, right? If they get a divorce, he gets nothing. That's a motive. 
Ray: Okay, where's that leave Earl? [They continue walking to the squad room] 
Fraser: Well, perhaps Earl was in on the plan to murder her, or perhaps he found out about it. He was using that to blackmail Dwight. Is that what you were thinking more or less? 
Francesca: Exactly what I was thinking. 
Ray: Okay, let's run uh - Dwight on the computer. 
Francesca: I already did. There's nothing. I' mean unless he's got an alias. [Carver overhears her as he enters the squad room] 
Dunn: Dwight Jones, born Dwight Parsons. Changes his name after tracking his birth parents to a trailer park in Hueyiana in 1979... 
Ray: Okay, thanks. 
Dunn: Meets Tracy Jenkins, March 4th 1981, at the Sixteen Acre Lounge, Nashville, Tennessee. She, a cocktail waitress; he, a disc jockey with a criminal record for fraud and assault... 
Ray: Okay, that's good. 
Dunn: Tracy is nothing if not loyal. Her current manager, George Monroe, was the former owner of the Sixteen Acre Lounge. And her band leader, Muddy Johnson, was the guitarist-in-residence.... 
Ray: You can shut up now. 
Dunn: From her earliest days, Tracy displayed a determination to conquer singing...[Ray grabs him] 
Ray: Okay, that's it! Enough said! [pushes him through the doors and into elevator] 
Dunn [raising his voice]: She played until her fingers bled. [elevator doors are closing] That's just the kind of person she... 
**Consulate** 
Turnbull: Miss Jenkins? [looks in rooms] Uh -Miss Jenkins? It's Constable Turnbull. Woo hoo, Miss Jenkins? Miss Jenkins? Uh - uh -oh -uh - oh dear, Music Hall. She said she was going to Music Hall. Constable Fraser - Constable Fraser [starts dialing phone] Constable Fraser. 
**Precinct** 
[Huey and Dewey singing in unison as they come down stairs] 
Huey/Dewey: Their taxes don't differ... 
Huey: No they don't! 
Huey/Dewey: And their water's the same. But in one you get comfort, and in the other house shame. 
Huey: Yee haw! Nashville, here we come! 
Dewey: Somebody call up Wilkinson, Howard and Summerling and sign this act up! 
Fraser: Excuse me. Wilkinson, Howard and Summerling - aren't they in the Strattonger Building? 
Dewey: Yeah, on Michigan Avenue, yep. 
Fraser: I thought they were divorce lawyers. 
Dewey: No, not divorce lawyers, nothing as tawdry as that. These guys are talent managers - high-powered, low key. Remember the Unplugged Fed? 
Fraser: No. 
Dewey: That was them. They created it. They're taking on some of the biggest acts in the business. 
Huey: That's right. 
Fraser: Like Tracy Jenkins. 
Ray: Fraser, come on. Turnbull's got his pumpkin pants in a knot. Thinks Tracy's gonna make that date at the Music Hall tonight. 
Francesca [to Huey and Dewey]: Anh Anh Anh - excuse me boys. 'That Old Mule, Rivers and Me', Walter Brennan. Fifty bucks! Cough it up! Anhhh! 
**Outside Music Hall** 
Fraser: Excuse me, Mr. Muddy. 
Muddy: Sorry, I'm late for rehearsal. Gotta go, Man. 
**Inside Music Hall** 
Tracy: Check, check, two, one, two [checking mike]. I need a bit more monitor there. Check, check, two, two, two, one two. Where the hell is Muddy? 
**Outside Music Hall** 
Muddy: Whew - Sixteen Acres, boys. Boy I'll tell you...that was a bad dive on the bad side of bad street. Nobody had a dime back then. We'd all go down to the A & P Grocery Store and shoplift some bologna and crackers - play a couple of songs for free beer. Life was good - ha ha ha. Tracy was just a kid back then. We was all crazy about Tracy, man - especially old George. 
Fraser: Was George involved with Tracy? 
Muddy: Yeahhh - 'cept she didn't know it - ha ha ha ha. Tracy had a thing going on with Dwight. Old George hung in there any way. And when the Sixteen Acres burned, he took the insurance money and produced her first album He'd a done anything for Tracy. 
Fraser: Including commit arson? 
Muddy: Well, you know - that was a long time ago and you know - nobody's sure. But uh - you know - one thing is - the bar burned, George got the cash, Tracy got an album, and I got a real good job - ha ha ha. 
Ray: What'd Dwight get? 
Muddy: Bitter - hee hee hee. Gotta go, man. Gotta go. 
**Inside Music Hall** 
[Tracy's singing on stage. Ray and Fraser position themselves behind the curtains. A gunman on the scaffold fires at Tracy. Fraser swings by a rope and knocks him to the stage. It's George, her manager. He grabs Tracy from behind and holds the gun to her neck while Ray and Fraser make their way to the stage.] 
Fraser: George, you've nowhere to go. The building is surrounded with police officers. 
Ray: It's all over. 
George: I was gonna take care of her! I gave up everything I had for her and she was just gonna throw me away! 
Tracy: George, I wasn't! I was always going to take care of you. 
George: What?! Turn me into a loser like Dwight?! I don't need you to take care of me! I had big plans for us. 
Tracy: George, now you're going to kill me?! 
George: Kill you?! Tracy, I love you! 
[Ray grabs him from behind and disarms him.] 
**Club** 
Tracy is singing on stage. She motions for Fraser to join her as back up for 'Nobody's Girl'. Dewey, Huey, LT Welch, Inspector Thatcher, Turnbull [in cowboy hat], Francesca, Carver Dunn, Officer MacAfferty, Dwight and Dief are in the audience.] 
Welsh [to Insp Thatcher]: Great huh? [Thatcher rouses up from dozing] 
Insp Thatcher: Exhilarating. 
Francesca [to Turnbull]: You know, I just can't wear hats. I don't, I don't have a hat face. 
Dewey [to Huey[: It has to be Huey and Dewey. 
Huey: Oh yeah? Why? 
Dewey: Because all the great acts have two names. 
Huey: Like who? 
Dewey: Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Milt and Berl. 
Dunn [to MacAfferty]: I'm sorry I shot you, Mister. 
MacAfferty: You didn't shoot me. 
Dunn: Oh, that's right. 
Dwight [to Dief]: I don't know - then everything just got worse. I lost my pick up, my momma died, had a hernia operation. [Dief growls] You gonna drink that? [Dief whimpers] 
[Song ends - they take their bows] 
**Fraser's room at the Consulate** 
[Fraser's ironing his stetson when a knock is heard at the door] 
Fraser: Come in. 
Dwight: Hey. 
Fraser: Hi. 
Dwight: The bus is all set to go. I just thought uh - thought I'd come in and say that I'm sorry you got tangled up in this. You know money, it's got this way of making people see things funny, you know? 
Fraser: Indeed. You know it's been reported that when Colonel Tom Parker heard Elvis had died, the first words out of his mouth were "This changes nothing. Double Production." 
Dwight: Yeah, it can be an ugly business. 
Fraser: You two going to be all right? 
Dwight: Yeah sure. She needs me. Catch you down the line, Buddy. 
[Tracy enters as Dwight leaves] 
Tracy: Well, this is it. I came to say goodbye and to say thank you for everything. 
Fraser: Oh no, I should thank you for letting me sing. It was very stirring. 
Tracy: Stirring. I didn't know you could be stirred. 
Fraser: I can, I - I can be stirred. 
Tracy: Well, then, maybe I could interest you in seeing America through the window of a tour bus. 
Fraser: I'd love to but I'm afraid that I have [looks toward picture of the Queen] obligations. 
Tracy: Another woman. 
Fraser: Umm. 
Tracy: I thought so. I'll never forget you, Fraser. [kisses him on the cheek and leaves.] 
Fraser [looking at Queen's picture]: The things I do for you.

End of Mountie Sings the Blues
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Good for the Soul

**Shopping mall** 
Fraser [to Dief]:  No, I assure you, it is a polar bear.  Well he lives in a mall.  You keep eating those pizzas, we'll see how you look inside of a year. 
Ray:  Got it, last death ray gun in the store.  Almost had to flatten this lady from Oak Park to get it. 
Fraser:  Ah, who's it for? 
Ray:  I dunno, ah desk sergeant's kid, maybe I'll keep it for myself, it's pretty cool.  Watch.  [Ray spins around, shooting the toy gun] 
Fraser:  That's really irritating, Ray. 
Ray:  What, you didn't get anything? 
Fraser:  Well no, I tend to. . . well, I prefer to make my own presents.  Oh my, look at this.  Look at this.  This is nice. 
Kiosk vendor:  The gentleman has a good eye. 
Fraser:  Ah, How much for, uh, how much for this? 
Kiosk vendor:  It's a log. 
Fraser:  Yes, uh, would five dollars be sufficient? 
Kiosk Vendor:  Yeah, sure. 
Fraser:  Here you are.  Merry Christmas. 
Kiosk Vendor:  Merry Christmas. 
Ray:  Fraser, it's a log. 
Fraser:  Marvelous log. 
**In a restaurant across the mall** 
Warfield:  Hey, hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?  You got water all over my damn suit.  
Fraser [runs toward the commotion in the restaurant]:  Excuse me sir, I'm sure this young man meant no harm. 
Warfield:  If I was you, I'd walk away. 
Fraser:  Well, happily, as soon as you apologize to this man. 
Warfield [laughs]:  I don't apologize to anybody ever. 
Fraser:  Well, perhaps now would be a good time to start. 
Warfield:  Yeah?  You want an apology?  [Slaps boy] 
Fraser:  Very well, you're going to have to come with me.  I'm performing a citizen's arrest. 
Warfield:  Ha ha, get out. 
[Marty pulls out a gun.  Ray rushes up to the scene.] 
Ray:  Chicago PD, drop the gun.  On the table, drop the gun.  Am I going too fast for you? 
Marty:  I got a permit. 
Ray:  Shut up.  On the table, get on the ground.  All of you, on the ground. 
Warfield:  Do you got any idea who I am? 
Fraser:  No, but I'm sure you'll soon tell me. 
[Mumbling in background]  
Ray [softly]:  Warfield? 
Waiter:  Look, look, please.  This is just all a misunderstanding 
Tommy (the busboy):  It was my fault. 
Waiter:  Look, we don't want any trouble here.  Gentlemen, please.  No trouble. 
Fraser:  It wasn't your fault.  You made a mistake, and this man committed a crime. 
Ray:  Fraser.  [takes Fraser aside]  You know who that is? 
Fraser:  Apparently his name is Warfield, and- 
Ray:  He's one of the biggest mob bosses in Chicago. 
Fraser:  Oh. 
**Credits Roll** 
Fraser:  Ladies and gentlemen, we greatly appreciate your cooperation, we thank you for your patience.  Now all of you were witness to a crime, and if you'll be so kind as to step forward one by one, we'll be very happy to take your statements.  [to Ray]  Apparently no one saw anything. 
Ray:  Really?  Fraser, I am shocked and amazed.  
Fraser:  Anything, ladies and gentlemen, anything that you remember at all.  Anything. 
Bartender:  What would be the point? 
Fraser:  The point would be justice. 
Bartender:  Where the hell do you come from? 
Ray:  Canada.  And zeal's a big thing up there.  So this is definitely a zeal. . . 
Bartender:  Well, maybe there they got justice.  Here, we got brains.  
Fraser:  This victim was a fellow employee, a friend of yours.  I can't believe that none of you are willing to make a statement. 
[Mumbling in crowd] 
Fraser:  Ladies and gentlemen, I, I really don't mean to be condescending, but justice cannot exist in a democracy without the support and cooperation of an informed citizenry.  If you let this man walk away from his crimes, you not only let down this entire city, but you encourage him to continue in his criminal endeavors. 
Frank:  Maybe we're afraid. 
Fraser:  Of what? 
Frank:  Warfield. 
Fraser:  There's nothing to be afraid of.  There are laws. 
Frank:  Not working too good as far as I can see. 
Fraser:  Well they will work, if you all do your part.  [looks around]  I thank you kindly for your time. 
**Precinct** 
Female reporter:  Lieutenant, I hear you have Willie Warfield locked up. 
Welsh:  Look, I just got here, I don't know what's happening yet.  
Male reporter:  Do you think you finally have something that'll stick to slick Willie? 
Welsh:  A couple of my best men brought him in, if they believe they have something, I gotta believe them. 
Female reporter:  What are you charging him with? 
**Welsh's office** 
Welsh:  Slapping a busboy?  You brought Warfield in here for slapping a busboy? 
Fraser:  Yes sir, is that a problem? 
Welsh:  It's a nothing beef, Constable.   He's already walked on four murder-one and conspiracy charges, you think he's gonna go down for spitting on the sidewalk?  
Fraser:  Well, no sir, I think he's going to go down, as you put it, for assault. 
Welsh:  The kid won't even press charges.  
Fraser:  Well, but we both witnessed it. 
Welsh:  Detective, would you explain to the Constable how the system works?  I, I gotta go deal with a high priced lawyer. 
Ray:  Lieutenant's right, Fraser.  
Fraser:  That's an explanation? 
Ray:  No, it goes, uh a little something like this.  Um, Warfield's a big mob guy. 
Fraser:  Whom I'd assume you'd like to see in jail. 
Ray:  Whom we'd love to see in jail and we've been trying to put him there for years.  
Fraser:  Well, we witnessed a crime.  This would seem to be the ideal opportunity to ar. . . What? 
Ray:  Two words, two words.  Money and connections. 
Fraser:  He is a criminal. 
Ray:  Look we witnessed a slap in the face.  The kid's not gonna sign anything, so we have no complaint.  Warfield has no priors because he's never been convicted.  And eh, he's got lawyers who get paid more in one hour than we make in a week.  He's never going to court. 
Fraser: Because he's rich and he's powerful. 
Ray:  You were paying attention. 
Fraser:   It's wrong. 
Ray:  It's wrong, it's very very wrong, but that's the world we live in, that's the system we work under. 
Fraser:  Yes, but this is the problem, Ray, it shouldn't be about a system, it should be about justice. 
Ray:  Yeah, in a perfect world, in a perfect world, in a truly perfect world.  And have you seen one of those around here lately, Fraser, 'cause I know I. . . Fraser, don't get all moody. 
Dewey:  Frannie, what the hell's that? 
Frannie:  It's my Santa Claus.  I made him in art class. 
Dewey:  You took a class to make that?  
Frannie [about Dief and Ante]:  I wish someone would look at me like that.  Hi Fraser! 
Fraser:  Hi, Francesca. 
Frannie:  How do you like the Christmas tree? 
Fraser:  Well, it's very nice. 
Frannie:  And the, and the Santa? 
Fraser:  Very Santa-like 
Frannie:  I made it in art class.  
Fraser:  Ah. 
Frannie:  Hey, did you get a name off the, uh, tree yet? 
Fraser:  I  beg your pardon? 
Frannie:  Well, we're exchanging gifts at the end of the week, you know, for whatever name you get.  
Fraser:  Ah. [takes name]  Excuse me, Tommy. 
Tommy:  Why don't you just take a gun out and shoot me now? 
Fraser:  Well, that would be homicide, Tommy, and what I imagine you're actually suggesting is that Mr. Warfield would have you killed if you filed a complaint. 
Tommy:  I'm not suggesting nothing about nothing.  Nothing happened.  I didn't see nothing, nobody hit me, I wasn't even there. 
Frannie:  Yeah.  This is his statement.  [waves a piece of blank paper at Fraser and Tommy] 
Fraser:  There were a number of witnesses who saw him strike you. 
Tommy:  What witnesses? 
Fraser:  Well, unfortunately, we were unable to persuade them to come in. 
Tommy:  I wonder why? 
Fraser:  I saw him strike you.  
Tommy:  Well, you've got bad eyesight as far as I'm concerned.  Can I go now? 
Fraser:  Yes. 
[Tommy walks away.  Warfield walks through bullpen] 
Warfield [pointing at Fraser]:  Make sure you spell his name right. 
Ray:  In the harassment suit, he's already named the Chicago PD, Lieutenant Welsh, and me. 
Warfield:  Hey, did I miss anybody? 
Welsh:  Ah Warfield, you know it's just a nuisance lawsuit. 
Warfield's Lawyer:  Mr. Warfield's been arrested four times by this department, lieutenant, and four times he's been exonerated by a jury of his peers.  Now, if that's not a clear pattern of harassment, I don't know what is. 
Ray:  It's a clear pattern of being mobbed up.  He pays people off, he kills witnesses. 
Marty:  Hey, lawyer, isn't that defamation of character?  
Warfield's lawyer:  How would you like a little lawsuit of your own? 
Ray:  I'm sorry, Mr. Scumbag, I missed that.  You want what?  A kick in the teeth? 
Welsh [puts hand on Ray's shoulder]:  Ah, detective, please. 
Lawyer:  You know lieutenant, this particular charge is so ridiculous, let's not even bear discussing.  Maybe if you dropped the charges against Mr. Warfield, we could forgo the legal action.  
Ray:  Hey scumbag, maybe you'd like a kick in the teeth. 
Welsh:  Ah detective, please you got some paper work you gotta do, so please. 
Fraser:  Mr. Warfield.  May I have a word?  You know what you did is wrong. 
Welsh:  Constable, please, I think you've done enough already. 
Fraser:  Yes sir. 
Frannie:  [on phone]  Oh, yeah, I don't, I don't think I could do that.  I'll have to let you know.  Ok 
Fraser:  Something wrong, Francesca? 
Frannie:  No, it's uh, my art class, next term we're, we're supposed to study nudes, and I just really don't think I could be in a class with anybody, nude. 
Fraser:  You know, Francesca, as beautiful and natural as a human body is, I, I understand completely what you mean.  I wonder if you could help with some information.  
Frannie:  Sure, what's up? 
Fraser:  I need to know everything you have on Mr. Warfield, his prior arrests, surveillance reports, known accomplices, whether he poses in the nude. 
Frannie:  Was, was that a joke? 
Fraser:  Yes. 
Frannie:  Oh, that was so good! 
Fraser:  Thank you. 
**Warfield's club** 
Bouncer:  Mr. Warfield. 
Warfield:  Let the young ladies in. 
Bouncer:  Certainly, sir. 
[Mumbling from crowd about waiting] 
Bouncer [to Fraser]:  Man, you are out there! 
Fraser:  Oh!  Me? 
Bouncer:  The outfit?  Lots of people do some nutso stuff to get in here, but that, is beyond belief.  
Fraser:  Well, I believe there were a number of people ahead of me.  This gentleman for example, this fellow here. 
Bouncer:  Look, do you want to get in or not? 
Fraser:  Very well.  [to crowd]  I'm terribly sorry.  
Woman in club:  Excuse me! 
Fraser:  Thank you  kindly. 
Woman on dance floor:  Whoa handsome, wanna dance?  [Fraser takes a few steps, walks away] 
Fraser:  [to Warfield's goons]  Ah gentlemen, I wonder if one of you'd be so kind as to use your wireless radio frequency communication devices to let Mr. Warfield know that Constable Benton Fraser is here to see him.  
Goon:  Do you know the boss? 
Fraser:  We have met, yes. 
**Warfield's office** 
Goon:  Mr. Warfield, we got a guy out her in a red suit, says he knows you. 
Warfield:  You're kidding me!  The Mountie?  Nuts, let him in. 
**Club** 
Fraser:  Thank you kindly. 
**Warfield's office** 
Warfield:  Ok, you're in, what do you want? 
Fraser:  I've come to ask you to confess to the assault charge. 
Warfield:  Confess.  You want me to confess? 
Fraser:  Yes.  
Warfield:  That's a joke, right? 
Fraser:  Well, I think you'll feel better. 
Warfield:  I feel fine. 
Fraser:  Well possibly, but I think you would discover there's a lot of truth in the old aphorism that confession is good for the soul.  
Warfield:  Confession is good for losers.  This an official police visit or what? 
Fraser:  No, I have no jurisdiction here.  I'm simply trying to see that justice is done.  
Warfield:  So. You walk in here, to my place of business, you insult me to my face, but you're doing it on your own time?  Is that what you're telling me? 
Fraser:  Well, I don't see that an appeal to your sense of justice is an insult.  But on balance you're correct. 
Warfield:  Get him outta here!  And make sure he don't come back. 
Fraser:  I think you will discover that I don't dissuade easily.  
Warfield:  Well dissuade him hard. 
Marty:  He's a cop Willie. 
Warfield:  I know what he is. 
Fraser:  I think what your man is suggesting is that it's uncommon for organized crime to use violence on police officers. 
Marty:  He's got a point, we don't need the heat. 
Warfield:  Do it!  [Fraser is helped out of the room]  Richie, you and Johnny see this gentleman out. 
**Outside** 
[Two goons fight with Fraser.  Fraser is winning until one pulls a gun on him] 
Goon 2:  Gotta do this. 
Ray:  I got a better idea.  Drop the gun, Chicago PD.  Up against the wall. 
Fraser:  Been expecting you, Ray. 
Ray:  Huh?  
Fraser:  I'm glad you came. 
Ray:  What were you thinking?  Welsh told you to stay out of this, I told you to stay out of this.  Next thing I know you're in a punch-up with a couple of Warfield's goons. 
Goons:  Goons?  
Fraser:  I don't think I had a choice Ray. 
Goon 1:  Actually, we're like security agents, pal. 
Goon 2:  I got a diploma in hospitality services.  We do not appreciate being called goons! 
Ray:  You always had a choice Fraser. 
Goon 2:  You could be looking at a lawsuit. 
Ray [to goons]:  You could be looking at my fist if you don't put a sock in it. 
Goon 1:  That's intimidation. 
Ray [to goons]:  Yeah, I hope so, get in the car.  [to Fraser] You had a choice.  You could have stayed at the consulate, you could have stayed at the station  or or  or- 
Fraser:  Ray, I was hoping to convince Mr. Warfield to do the right thing. 
Ray:  He's a wise guy, he's never done the right thing in his entire life.  
Fraser:  Well maybe now is the time to start. 
[Laughter from goons in car.  Ray and Fraser thump the roof of the GTO.]  
**Precinct** 
Frannie:  Ok, Dief.  Wreath.  Thank you. 
Welsh:  Ms. Vecchio, don't you think you're overdoing it a little bit? 
Frannie:  I'm just trying to make the place look festive, sir. 
Welsh:  Police station's not a shopping mall.  
Frannie:  It's only once a year! 
Welsh:  Thank god!  No murders, no suicides, no families tearing each other's throats out, no differential between what you take in and what you put out.  Fat guys in red suits.  
Frank:  Constable Fraser, can we talk? 
Fraser:  Of course.   Eh. Perhaps somewhere private.  
Frank:  Me and Tommy've been thinking about what you said, about justice and all. 
Tommy:  Just thinking. 
Frank:  We do this testify thing, we, we get protection?  
Fraser:  I'll do everything I can to ensure your safety.  
Frank:  What does that mean? 
Fraser:  I can't pretend that this is without risks. Mr. Warfield is apparently a violent man.  
Tommy:  See, I told you 
Frank:  And like I told you, guys have been pushing me around my whole damn life!  Don't say nothin', you'll lose your job, don't say nothin', he'll kick your butt.  Don't say nothin'.   I'm an old man, and I still never said nothing.  You don't want to be my age and feel like that. 
Tommy:  We do this and I doubt I'll see 20. 
Frank:  Guy's gonna kill ya for a slap in the face?  He's smarter than that.  So maybe you better stay out of it, and I'll be a witness.  That work? 
Fraser:  It'll help.  
Frank:  Let's get out of here. 
Tommy:  Hang on.  We get protection, right? 
--- 
Stella:  Protection?  If Constable Fraser wants to offer protection, let the RCMP supply it. 
Ray:  Call me old fashioned, but I don't think Yuletide is a great time to get shot in the head and dumped in a river. 
Stella:  Ray, in the spirit of Christmas, drop dead. 
Fraser:  December 1963, breaking and entering. August 1965, car theft.  October 1966, assault.  December 1966, robbery.  Every charge dropped for one reason or another.  It's not surprising Mr. Warfield thinks he's above the law.  And if perhaps if someone along the way had been willing to prosecute him, he might not have become the hardened criminal that he is today. 
Welsh:  I think it's a little late for that Constable.  
Ray:  What about the assault charge on Fraser; Warfield called that!  Can't we make that stick? 
Welsh:  Ah, they're claiming Fraser was drunk and disorderly. 
Ray:  Disorderly?  His hair's not even disorderly. 
Fraser:  Well, it can be sometimes.  
Stella:  They've got twelve witnesses who'll swear that he was threatening Warfield.  Constable, no one gets convicted on a first time assault that doesn't result in actual bodily harm.  My god, you can practically beat someone to death in this city and not get convicted.   I'm sorry! 
Frank:  You get our protection? 
Fraser:  In a manner of speaking, yes.  Shall we? 
[Warfield points finger at Tommy as though it were a gun.] 
Tommy:   You better have our protection. 
Fraser:  It's just a finger, son.  It's not loaded. 
**Consulate** 
Fraser:  Here we are. 
Frank:  This is the safe house? 
Fraser:  Couldn't be safer.  I also have several bedrolls here... 
Tommy:  I thought we'd get a hotel room, like in the movies.  Maybe a nice looking police woman would look after us. 
Fraser:  Well here comes one now. 
Thatcher:  Fraser, I thought perhaps a little seasonal. . . 
Frank:  Don't mind if I do! 
[Frank and Tommy each take a glass of wine from the platter Thatcher's carrying.] 
Thatcher:  . . .cheer.  [to Fraser]  What are you doing bringing homeless people here?  It's Christmas for god's sakes.  
Fraser:  I realize that sir, but these friends of mine are, well, they're needy, and with your permission I thought they could stay here for the next couple of days. 
Thatcher:  This is the Canadian consulate, not a homeless shelter.  
Fraser:  I understand that.  Suffice it to say that there are issues of justice and individual liberty at play here.  And, it is Christmas.  
Thatcher:  My point exactly.  I'll leave this to you for now, but tomorrow you, Turnbull and I will sit down and discuss the decorations for the consulate - what color bulbs to use, the tinsel, oh, I found some fabulous gold ribbon for the tree.   And, of course, spirit of giving, peace on earth, blah blah blah.  [Thatcher leaves] 
Frank:  We gonna sleep here? 
Fraser:  Yes. 
Frank:  No offense, but I'm getting a little too old to sleep on the floor.  Maybe I should go on home. 
Fraser:  Uh, well, I'm, ah, I'm not actually sure that, that's a good idea. 
Frank:  The dog snore? 
Fraser:  No.  Well.  Yes. 
Dief:  Arf, arf.  
Fraser:  Well you do.  You know, perhaps you gentlemen could take him for a couple of laps in the hallway.  He tends to sleep a much more soundly after a little exercise.  Ah, Dief? 
**Fraser's Closet/Robert's Cabin** 
Fraser:  Dad, I have guests! 
Robert:  Well pardon us for living.  
Fraser:  What, what's going on here? 
Robert:  Well the group are making up some gifts for the orphans.  Brighten up their Christmas. 
Fraser:  You have orphans in the afterworld? 
Robert:  Well not really, they're just kinda lost.  The group of six have always been known for their charity.  
Fraser:  Dad, there was ne--  there was a group of seven.. 
Robert:  No, not in our group.  Always six.  Except for that one time we let in Rene Tibault.  He got into the turps.  [turns off music]  So what are you hoping to get these wise men to do? 
Fraser:  Their duty. 
Robert:  Theirs or yours?  You know, son, not everyone thinks the way you think, not everyone has your dedication, your commitment, your, your, well, frankly, your rigidity. 
Fraser:  I'm only doing what you taught me. 
Robert:  Well I've learned a few things since I died.  
Fraser:  Such as? 
Robert:  Well, I wish I'd spent more Christmases with you.  And the branch that cannot bend must break.  
Fraser:  Are you saying I should give up on this? 
Robert:  No, of course not.  Some trails are solitary and must be taken alone.  [sound of knocking on closet door]  That'll be for you.  
[Fraser exits the closet] 
Tommy:  You ok?  
Fraser:  Yes, yes, I just uh, I can't seem to locate the darn Hudson blankets.  
[Tommy points to blankets on top shelf of closet]  
Fraser:  Ah, eagle eye son.  
Tommy:  Ah, Turnbull said to give you this package. 
Fraser:  Ah, very good.  Uh, the Yukon.  [Opens package, pulls out a log.]  Marvelous.  Where's Frank? 
Tommy:  Went home.  Said  there was no way he could sleep on the floor.  Said not to worry. 
Fraser:  Turnbull!  [to Tommy]  Do you have Frank's address? 
Tommy:  Sure, uh, 414 Wilson Avenue. 
Turnbull:  Sir? 
Fraser:  You're out of uniform, Turnbull. 
Turnbull:  Yes, I am.  You see, I was upstairs, listening to my Clint Black Christmas album, getting in the festive spirit, if that's all right.  
Fraser:  I see.  I want you to lock up after I go.  You don't let anyone in until I return.  I want you to guard this man with your life. 
Turnbull:  Trouble sir? 
Fraser:  Of a kind. 
Turnbull: Trouble's my middle name. 
Fraser:  Right.  Well Tommy, you're in good, uh.  Well, you're in hands.  
Turnbull:  Sir. [to Tommy]  You look like a natural baritone.  Do you know the words to Santa drives a pickup?  [singing]  Oh the elves topped off the gas tank, Santa climbed aboard.  He turned that engine over, on the '67 Ford.  Oh Santa drives a pickup, the reindeers ride in back.  Look out for that fat man, he'll be coming down your stack.  Oh Santa drives a pickup, Come on! the reindeer ride in back, look out for that fat man. . .  
**Outside, in street** 
[Frank is walking down the street.  He is being followed by a car and 2 goons.  He starts running, and bumps into Fraser.] 
Fraser: You'll be all right.  Gentlemen, I'm going to have to ask you to stop. 
Goon:  Stop this!  
[Fraser knocks down one of the goons.  A horn honks twice.  Goons run off.] 
Frank:  I can't do this, I can't. 
Fraser:  I understand. 
Frank:  I'm no hero, I'm sorry.  
Fraser:  It's all right. I'll walk you home.  
**Consulate**.  
[Fraser is singing Santa Drives a Pickup under his breath and carving an elk out of a block of wood.] 
Fraser:  Good morning.  Sleep well? 
Tommy:  The dog snores like Mike Didka with a sinus condition.  
Fraser:  Yes, I know.  
Tommy:  Did you find Frank? 
Fraser:  Yes. 
Tommy:  Where is he? 
Fraser: He said he had a sister in Waukegan.  I believe he's staying with her. 
Tommy:  He split? 
Fraser:  I'm afraid so. 
**Precinct** 
Dewey:  What name did you get? 
Fraser:  I don't follow.  
Dewey:  From the card tree.  Who do you have to buy for? 
Fraser:  Oh, ahem, I believe it is.  Ray. 
Dewey:  Perfect.  Let's trade. 
Fraser:  Trade? 
Dewey.  Yeah, see, I got Welsh, and uh, I can't buy for the lieutenant because you see, I work for him.  You see, if I buy small, I'm a miser, if I buy big, then I'm kissing up to him.  So it's lose-lose. 
Robert:  Office politics.  Even at Christmas.  Not for me, not in the good old days.  Christmas eve, gimme a wild open vista, a starry sky, and a good sled dog. 
Fraser:  And what about um, your mother?  
Dewey:  Well, my mother, well I'll just get her a couple of cases of hairspray.   Listen, you see, Ray, on the other hand, is no threat to me.  He has nothing, so he's easy to buy for.  But the lieutenant, you don't even work for him, you can do whatever you want.  It's win-win.  [grabs paper from Fraser's hand]  Thanks. 
Fraser:  Very well.  [to Robert, who's looking at the Christmas tree]  Ahem, what are you doing? 
Robert:  Just wondering if my name is on a list here. 
Fraser:  I'd think that unlikely, since you are dead. 
Robert:  Huh. Back in '55, when I was leading a detachment out in Reliance, it wasn't much of a detachment, really, just me and Delbert Foxworth. Well, Norbert Weatherwax  got into sauce, went on a tear, tore up half the town.  I sent Foxworth out to bring him back.  He came back empty handed.  A couple of days later I found out that Weatherwax was married to Foxworth's half sister Edda.  Well, I guess-  
Fraser:  Dad, I don't mean to interrupt, but does this, this story have a moral? 
Robert:  Oh yeah, sometimes you have to do it yourself.  That's the moral, son. 
Fraser:  Ah, Francesca.  
Frannie:  Hi Fraser.  Mistletoe. 
Fraser:  Oh, so it is.  Right, right.  
[Fraser runs away.  Frannie looks disappointed.  Robert kisses Frannie.] 
**Warfield's club** 
Warfield:  You got brass ones, I'll give you that.  
Fraser:  [looks down]  Oh, well, yes, yes I do.  They take quite a lot of work to keep polished. 
Warfield:  Huh huh.  I hear the charges against me got dropped again. 
Fraser:  I anticipated that.  
Warfield:  Good.  You come by to apologize? 
Fraser:  No, sir, I came by to ask you to reconsider your confession. 
Warfield:  I had a guy like you work for me once.  Bruno Himps.  Big Dutch guy.  He got drunk one night, stood on the track, try to stare down the 310 to Skokie.  They had to pick him up with a shovel.  
Fraser:  Sir, you hurt an innocent man.  I can't let that go, so I will continue to gather evidence.  In the meantime, it's come to my attention that you're engaged in a variety of activities that may not flourish with an officer of the law present.  
Warfield:  Is that a threat? 
Fraser:  No, I'm merely stating the obvious. 
Warfield:  Well, let me suggest something even more obvious.  One good whack in the head with a hammer, if you ain't dead, there'll be days when you wish you were.  
Fraser:  Oh, would that be a ball peen, or a claw hammer, sir? 
Warfield: That would be a big hammer 
Fraser:  I see. 
**Warfield's office** 
[knock on door] 
Warfield:  Come in.  [Marty enters]  What? 
Marty: Eddie just called from his car, he wants to meet somewhere else. 
Warfield:  What, somewhere else, we gotta have a sit-down, me and Eddie.  Where else we gonna do it? 
Marty:  Eddie won't come inside with that Mountie out front. 
Warfield:  Aye. . .  
**Street** 
Eddie: I wanna freeze my big ones, Willie, I go to a Bears game. 
Warfield:  I could use the fresh air.  Cooped up all day. 
Eddie:  Cooped up by the cops I hear.  Been downtown a couple times. 
Warfield:  Nothing to worry about. 
Eddie:  Couple times uh, don't sound like nothing to me.  The boys are wondering what's going on.  
Warfield:  The boys come on now, we're on business.  They ain't what we gotta talk about.  We gotta talk about Vinnie the Hole.  Ever since he started running the east side, our take's been down thirty percent.  
Eddie:  I got no problems with Vinnie.  What I got problems with is that funny looking cop that's been hassling you. 
Warfield:  He's nothing, he's a joke. 
Eddie:  Better start laughing.  Lets get out of here.  
**Warfield's office** 
Warfield:  You're a lawyer, file a suit or something. 
Lawyer:  He's in a public street. 
Warfield:  He's harassing me. 
Lawyer:  He's just standing there, Willie. 
Warfield:  Interfering with the conduct of my business. 
Lawyer:  That's an area I don't think we should open up. 
Warfield:  What the hell, I'm just supposed to let him stand there?  I got people I gotta talk to. 
Lawyer:  I suppose the telephone's out of the question? 
Warfield:  I can't do business on the phone.  
Lawyer:  But Willie, this is really difficult to explain in a courtroom. 
Marty:  I got an idea.  Cop to it. 
Warfield:  What? 
Marty:  It's nothing. The worst you can get, the absolute worst is a fine.  So so so do it.  Get over with it, lose the Mountie, and get back to work. 
Lawyer:  Y'know, Marty's actually making sense, Willie.  With the money you pay me, I should have thought of it.  
Warfield.  Willie Warfield don't cop to nothing, nothing!  Never never never!  Do you understand me? 
Lawyer:  Come on Willie, this is crazy.  Y'know I heard you had him attacked.  You do that, you're making it really difficult for me to protect you.  
Marty:  Logan's right Willie.  And he's not the only one.  The other guys feel the same way. 
Warfield:  What the, are you two developing some sort of backbone all of a sudden or what? 
Marty:  You're supposed to be running a business here.  Now why don't you just  
Warfield:  [slaps Marty]  What do I pay you two bastards for?  Now you get him out of there, now! 
**Street in front of Warfield's club** 
Fraser:  [to Dief] You know you really have to stop complaining.  You've been on stakeouts before, you know what it's like.  [Dief whimpers]  Yes, I know you'd rather be with her, but it's sort of cliché, don't you think?  I mean, Wolf meets poodle, poodle hooks wolf, wolf liquidates his assets.  It can only ends in tears.  
[Ray pulls up with GTO] 
Fraser: Afternoon, Ray! 
Ray:  Fraser.  Welsh got a call from the chief, chief got a call from downtown, Warfield's, uh, lawyers, uh, they want you out of here.  
Fraser:  I see. 
Ray:  Look you know me and the system are like this, Fraser.  But this time you're wrong, they're right. 
Fraser:  I don't think I am wrong.  We both saw him assault that man.  
Ray:  Look, even if by some miracle Warfield were to cop to the whole thing, he's gonna get a slap on the wrist.  
Fraser:  And justice will have been done. 
Ray:  Justice, how is that justice?  The man is a killer, he's gonna get a 50 dollar fine.  Look, don't you get this?  This makes his harassment crap look legit.  I mean, what if somehow we get a real beef on him?  You know, and then Warfield's lawyers get involved, this could screw the whole thing up somehow.  
Fraser:  Ray, just think about it,  two good men, one who should be accorded the respect due his age, one little more than a boy.  They are frightened.  They're frightened and ashamed.  And they've good reason to be frightened.  They don't think they can stand up to the Warfields of this world.  Well I can.  And I will. 
Ray:  Fraser, get in the car. 
Fraser:  I'm sorry Ray. 
Ray:  Look Fraser, I am a cop, and I'm ordering you to get in that car. 
Fraser:  Are you arresting me? 
Ray:  Yes. 
Fraser:  On what charge? 
Ray:  Ah, look, I don't want to be forced to use force upon you. 
Fraser:  No, you won't.  
Ray:  You're right.  
Fraser:  I know.  Listen, can you do me a favor and, uh, do you mind dropping Diefenbaker off at the consulate on your way back to the station?   He seems to find all of this sort of boring. 
Ray:  Look, you know what you are?  You're selfish.  You're selfish.  You get a thing stuck in your head and you won't let it go no matter how hard it is on anybody else.  You even boring the dog.  
Fraser:  He's not actually bored, he's in love. 
Ray:  Heh, dogs have all the fun, uh.  
Fraser:  Yeah. 
[Dief gets in car, Ray gets in the car] 
Ray:  Look, Christmas brings out the worst in people. 
Fraser:  Mmmm.  [closes car door]  Drive safely.  [Whistles] 
**At night, still on street** 
Woman's voice [from alley]:  Help!  Somebody help me!  Stop!  Uh!!! 
[Fraser, who is wearing his Stetson, rushes to alley to help woman.]  
Fraser:  Hold it. 
Woman [turning around]:  Ah ha. 
Thug from behind:  Hey! 
Fraser:  I assume Mr. Warfield is unhappy with my presence here? 
Thug:  Lets just say you pissed off the wrong guy.  
[Fraser is brutally beaten by the four men and one woman.  He reappears, limping and bleeding, back in front of Warfield's club.  The accompanying music is A Midnight Clear, sung  by a male voice, a capalla.] 
Bouncer:  Good evening, Mr. Warfield. 
Warfield:  See, there's only one law that counts.  Only one rule.  Hardest guy wins.  Better get that straight.  You're just a loser.  
Fraser:  Understood.  
**Precinct**.  
[Frannie is decorating the tree, singing a carol] 
Frannie:  [to Dief] Hey, kid, you're looking good!  Oh yes, you're so cute.  [looks up] Oh my god! 
Dewey:  What happened? 
[Ray is walks in, supporting Fraser, who is still badly hurt.] 
Ray:  Don't know, got a call from one of the bouncers at Warfield's club. 
Huey:  Shouldn't he be at the hospital? 
Ray:  Wouldn't go. 
**Welsh's office** 
Frannie:  God, Fraser, does it hurt? 
Dewey:  Probably no more than being hit by a truck. 
Fraser:  It's fine, Francesca.  
Frannie:  Well, maybe you should take your shirt off. 
Ray:  Frannie! 
Frannie:  Well, he could have internal injuries. 
Huey:  If it's internal, you can't see them.  
Frannie:  Yeah, I know, but I could palpitate them. 
Fraser:  Do you mean palpate? 
Frannie:  Yeah, you know, feel around a little.  
Ray:  Personally, I think he's suffered enough, Frannie. 
Welsh:  Ah, are you feeling better, Constable? 
Fraser:  Ah, much better, thank you sir, thanks to Francesca's excellent care. 
Welsh:  Good, good.  I've told Ms. Kowalski the story. 
Ray:  So we're gonna nail Warfield? 
Stella:  Unfortunately, there's nothing to tie the attack on Constable Fraser to Mr. Warfield. 
Ray:  Nothing?  He was attacked right outside of Warfield's club. 
Stella:  Yeah, and Lincoln got shot in Ford's theatre, didn't mean Mr. Ford did it.  
Ray:  Yeah, was Ford mobbed up? 
Welsh:  Can you identify any of the assailants, Constable? 
Fraser:  No, they were, they were all wearing masks. 
Ray:  Look, we know that they were Warfield's guys. 
Stella:  Knowing something and proving it are two different things.  
Ray:  Well, how about we just go roust them up anyway? 
Stella:  More harassment?  Forget it, Ray. 
Ray:  Stella, I was thinking maybe if you had some time, we could uh, have some eggnog and maybe trim a tree? 
Stella:  Yeah, and I could shoot moonbeams out my. . . 
Welsh:  Ms. Kowalski, thank you. 
Ray:  Yeah, she was never that big on Christmas.  Or me for that matter. 
Welsh:  Constable, uh, I'm afraid we haven't been too much of a help to you on this one. 
Fraser:  I've come to believe I have unrealistic expectations.  
Ray:  Uh, a little impractical, maybe, but- 
Fraser:  No, Ray, you were right.   You can't beat the system. 
Ray:  Let me give you a ride home. 
Fraser:  No, I think I'll walk.  A walk will do me good.  
Frannie:  Uh, Fraysh, hey, take it easy, ok? 
Fraser:  Understood.  
**Outside**  
Fraser [to himself]:  I was selfish, I know, my, my feelings above everyone else's.  Dad?  Huh, you're ignoring me now.  That's great.  That's great.  
[Fraser passes carolers.  Robert is among them; he walks to Fraser while singing Holy Night] 
Fraser:  Oh hi.  Do you think I'm being selfish and single-minded?  
Robert:  Oh, you're more than that son.  You're obsessive, overbearing, possibly even arrogant.  
Fraser:  Well, thanks a lot dad, that, that makes me feel a whole lot better. 
Robert:  But you've been right. 
[Robert starts singing again, rejoins the carolers.  Fraser walks on.  The GTO pulls up.] 
Ray:  Hey Fraser!  
Fraser:  You know Ray, I, I really would rather walk. 
Ray:  Well, you you can walk all you want Fraser, but uh, there's something I wanna tell you, and uh, it's not the easiest thing for me to say, but, I'm proud of you.  
Fraser:  You are? 
Ray:  Yeah, you've been right about this thing all along. 
Fraser:  I have? 
Welsh [from back seat]:  Yes you have, Constable.  We've just been too hung up on all this bureaucratic crap to give you the help you really needed. 
Fraser:  Well, you know, sir, I understand that you have to contend with practicalities. 
Welsh:  To hell with them.  Hop in. 
Fraser:  Well, I'm- 
Ray:  Ride shotgun! 
Fraser:  Ok! 
**Warfield's club** 
Bouncer:  Na na na.  Forget it.  No way you guys getting back in here again. 
Welsh:  He's with us.  Move.  
[They enter club] 
Ray [to young girl in club]  Got some ID? 
Girl:  What? 
Ray:  You got some ID? 
Girl:  What? 
Ray:  ID? 
Girl:  Oh, are we gonna play cops and robbers? 
Ray:  No, just cops.  You better be over 21.  
[Huey arrests a woman snorting something.  Fraser stands in the middle of the crowd, looks amazed.] 
Welsh:  Welcome, shoe salesmen of America.  I see you've come to sample some of our local delicacies.  Haven't seen these women together since I worked south side vice.  Hey, cut the music, cut the music. 
**Warfield's office** 
Warfield:  Get Eddie in here tomorrow. 
Marty:  I don't think he's coming.  
Warfield:  Why the hell not?  
Marty:  I hear he's got something going with Vinnie the Hole.  
Warfield:  He got something going with Vinnie, he's dead.  
Marty:  What it is, Mr. Warfield, you gotta start getting on top of things, 'cause they're like sharks out there, and they're smelling blood in the water. 
Warfield:  I'm starting to smell you, Marty.  [phone rings]  What?  
Voice on phone:  Yo boss, we got cops out here!  They got- 
Warfield [stalks out into club]:  I'll have all your badges for this! 
Welsh:  We're only enforcing -  
Warfield:  You're enforcing to harass me!  
Ray:  Nobody's harassing you. 
Dewey:  Yeah, we're just cleaning up the riff raff hanging out in your club.  
Huey:  Kind of doing you a favor.  
Warfield [in Fraser's face]:  Screw you! 
Ray:  Look, we can come back here tomorrow night.  
Welsh:  And the night after. 
Warfield:  Not after my lawyers are finished with you. 
Welsh:  That could take some time, and would be very bad for business. 
Ray:  And we got a lot of other places we can visit.  Think about it. 
Warfield:  Or maybe you don't walk out of here tonight.  
Ray:  You really wanna try that?  'Cause we're good to go. 
Fraser:  You've abused the system for a long time, Mr. Warfield.  You extorted the law and turned it against its own interests.  You've used tricks and force and bullying and it's worked. 
Warfield:  Oh. 
Fraser:  But eventually good people do stand up. 
Dewey:  Yeah Fraser!  Right on! 
Welsh:  So what's it gonna be Warfield? 
Warfield:  Do 'em. 
Marty:  Mr. Warfield, they're cops. 
Warfield:  I said, do 'em! 
Marty:  No.  
Warfield:   Ha ha ha ha.  No, huh?  All right, so, what?  What, what the hell do you want from me? 
Fraser:  You know what I want. 
Warfield:  [sarcastically]  Oh.  I'm sorry I slapped the kid. 
Fraser:  Thank you kindly.  Merry Christmas.  
**Christmas party at the precinct** 
Ray:  Fraser!  Whose name did you get for the gift thing? 
Fraser:  Uh, as of the moment, Lt. Welsh. 
Ray:  Perfect.  I got Francesca.  Trade me. 
Fraser:  Why? 
Ray:  Well, with Francesca it's always too heavy.  Either she's gonna love what I get her or she's gonna hate it.  Either way, emotional contact, who needs it?  Plus, I've got this box of Cuban cigars.  Lieutenant'll love 'em. 
Fraser:  Very well.  Right pocket. 
Welsh:  How you feeling, Constable? 
Fraser:  Oh, much better, thank you kindly sir.  
Frannie:  Oh good!  Everybody here.  Ok, in the spirit of Christmas, keep your meat hooks off the gifts until I call off your name.  
Fraser:  Oh dear. 
Turnbull (as Santa):  Ho ho ho ho!  Ahem. 
Fraser:  Excuse me for one second, I need to have a word with Santa. 
Frannie:  Sure.  [phone rings]  Squad room.  Yeah, just a minute.  [to Welsh]  It's for you. 
Welsh:  Y'hello. 
**In Cell** 
Turnbull:  Fraser, it's me, Turnbull. 
Fraser:  Ah, Turnbull, I, I took you for Santa.  
Turnbull:  Understandably.  I know how busy you've been lately, sir, so I took the liberty of bringing your work in progress. 
Fraser:  Oh dear. 
Turnbull:  Problem, sir? 
Fraser:  Well yes, you see, when this was to be for Ray, it was going to be an elk, then it was going to be for Lt. Welsh, and it was uh, going to be a grizzly bear, and now its for Francesca- 
Turnbull:  Fret not, sir.  Yukon carded pine. 
Fraser:  Good thinking. 
Turnbull:  Your accoutrements. 
[Fraser carves figure of David] 
**Back at the bullpen** 
Welsh:  Well, it seems like Warfield was letting things slide at the office lately.  When they found out he was in jail, some of his associates decided they'd be better off without him.  
Ray:  And he ratted them out? 
Welsh:  Precisely.  Organized crime was waiting for him as soon as he made bail.  He was mad, and he was talking.  Lot of guys gonna go away for a long time.  
Tommy:  It's true, he's, he's really in jail? 
Fraser:  Yes he is. 
Frank:  Are you ok? 
Fraser:  Hmm hmm, I'm fine.  
Frank:  I let you down, I'm sorry. 
Fraser:  Oh, you didn't let me down.  You did what you could do, that's all anyone can ask.  
Frannie:  All right, it's present time!  [Picks one up, opens it.]  
Fraser:  I made it myself, out of wood. 
Frannie:  Hey, is, is this Geraldo, the guy who delivers water to my mother?  
Frank:  That's Michelangelo's David.  For 400 years, it's been considered to be the most perfect nude.  
Frannie:  Wow, it's beautiful.  I love it!  Thanks, Fraysh. 
[Some guy starts singing Silent Night] 
Thatcher:  It's a sword. 
Fraser:  A sword, I see. 
Dewey:  Ah, calling Dr. Freud. 
Thatcher:  Purely ceremonial, you don't have to use it. 
Fraser:  I see.  It's very nice.  
Welsh [sniffing cigar].  Ahhhh. 
Robert:  Cubans, can't get those in heaven. 
Fraser:  And they're illegal in the United States. 
Welsh:  Come on, Constable, lighten up.  It's Christmas. 
Ray:  [laughing with Dewey over ray gun]  Ah, you know, I already got one of these. 
Dewey:  Get out!  
Ray:  I do, Merry Christmas.  
Dewey:  It's all right.  Ok. 
Ray:  You mind if I, uh, donate it?  
Dewey:  Yeah, yeah.   [Ray hands gun to Turnbull] 
Turnbull:  Cool.  Semi-automatic?  Hit the deck!  Assassin Santa coming through! 
[guy finishes singing] 
Frannie:  Here we go! 
Welsh [offers drink]:  Constable? 
Fraser:  No thank you, sir. 
Frannie:  Hey, who wants to make the toast? 
Welsh:  I got a toast, toast – bottoms up! 
Frannie:  How about you Fraysh, you wanna make the toast? 
Fraser:  All right, um.  Christmas is more than just a religious holiday.  It is a time that has come to have special meaning for people of many different faiths, or lack of them.  My own Christmases I remember with a great fondness, and, uh, a certain sense of horror.  We always had arctic tern instead of Christmas turkey, or see, a buck thorn bush instead an evergreen, search and rescue flares instead of Christmas lights, and well, I've, I've learned to forgive all of that.  Most of all, Christmas is about forgiveness.  Merry Christmas, everyone.  
Everyone: [raising drinks]:  Merry Christmas: 
Frannie:  Hey, what's this?  [takes present from under the tree]  Fraser, it's for you. 
Fraser:   For me? 
Frannie:  Yeah.  
Ray:  What is it? 
Fraser:  It's my family. 
Robert:  Merry Christmas, son. 
Fraser:  Merry Christmas, dad.

End of Good for the Soul
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dead Men Don't Throw Rice

**A Motel Room** 
[Fraser and Ray Kowalski are playing Monopoly while guarding a witness. The TV is on in the background]  
Fraser: Ah, Boston Main Railroad, which I'll buy.  
Witness: One phone call!  
Ray: I told you no phones.  
Witness: I wanna order a pizza.  
Ray: You had Pizza.  
Witness: So, I wanna order another pizza.  
[TV gets louder.] 
Reporter on TV: ...murder charge against Van Zandt even thought the body of the alleged victim has never been found. Tomorrow the prosecution is expected to wrap up its case with the testimony of a mystery witness.  
Ray turns off the TV with the remote  
Witness: Hey! They were just going to talk about me!  
Ray: I've heard enough talk about you. It's your turn now roll.  
Witness: I gotta go to the can.  
Ray: Leave the door open.  
Witness: I can't go when anyone's watchin'.  
Ray: If you're pee shy then don't go.  
Witness: Hey, you know, you guys are drag you know that? How 'bout some women? How 'bout some booze?  
Ray: Look I told you no women, no booze, no gambling OK? No booze, no women, no gambling.  
Witness: How about some soda? Get a little crazy!  
Ray: Yeah Ok I'll grab you a soda from the machine. What's the knock?  
Fraser: Once, twice, once.  
Witness: One lousy drink! I could get killed tomorrow.  
Fraser: You're going to be fine Mr. Jones. You have the full protection of the state of Illinois. You'll be relocated with a new identity.  
Jones: If Van Zandt wants me he'll find me.  
Fraser: Mr. Van Zandt is going to spend the rest of his life in prison.  
Jones: And I'll spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, running down the street like Nuryev in case there's someone behind me.  
**Hallway**  
[Ray is returning to the motel room. Two people walk to motel room door. They knock.] 
**Inside Room** 
[Dief growls]  
Jones: I'm dead!  
[Jones dives under bed, Fraser walks to door. In the hallway Ray runs up to two people and tackles then in through the now open doorway]  
Ray: Chicago PD! Stay down!  
Fraser: Ah. Special Investigator Handler.  
Handler: Put that psycho on a leash. What the hell do you think you're doing?!  
Ray: What the hell do you think you're doing?  
Fraser: You are actually an hour early.  
Ray: Not to mention the secret knock of which there was none.  
Fraser: There seems to be no harm done.  
Handler: Jones still in one piece?  
Fraser: He is..  
Handler: Well consider yourself relieved.  
Other Agent: You ought to try decaf Vecchio. Huh?  
**Hallway** 
Ray and Fraser walking out.  
Ray: Are you hungry?  
Fraser: Well, I suppose I could.. [Dief growls] ... he wasn't talking to you.  
Ray: I'll call Vittorrios, hand me my phone.  
Fraser: Your phone?  
Ray: Yeah.  
Fraser: I don't have your phone.  
Ray: Jones!  
[They head back to the room and do the knock]  
Handler: [From inside] Yeah?  
Ray: Vecchio. [Door opens] Where's Jones?  
Other Agent: He's in the can.  
Ray: Open up.  
[Hear breaking glass. Ray forces door open and they see a broken window and no sign of Jones]  
**Outside Van Zandt's**  
[Jones knocks on delivery entrance. Two men come out]  
Thug: Well, Two Tone Jones. [Pats him down] He's clean. Come on. Nick's waiting.  
**Inside**  
Jones: Thanks for seeing me Nick. I'm sure we'll be able to straighten out his misunderstanding. Me, testify against you! No way!  
Nick Van Zandt: [Has gun] That's correct.  
**Outside**  [Man walking hears 2 gunshots]  
**Ray's Car**  
Ray: Fraser this makes no sense. Why would he go to Van Zandt? He'd kill him.  
Fraser: I admit it's something of a long shot, but it is possible that Mr. Jones is looking to negotiate a deal.  
[They pull up outside Van Zandt restaurant. There's a car further down struggling to get started]  
Ray: That phone cost me 200 bucks.  
[Car pulls away. Can hear Sirens. Squad cars and Agents pull up]  
Fraser: Well. I see we're not the only ones with this idea.  
Handler: That's far enough gentlemen. It's still my operation. [To other agent] Sort some men around the back.  
Agent: Alright. [To uniformed police officer] Take a couple round back.  
Handler: Your presence won't be necessary.  
Ray: Oh that's rich. They lose the witness and our presence won't be necessary. Hmm. Love that!  
**Funeral Home**  
Man1: Oh man! You've got to be kidding. [To his friend in the car that was outside the restaurant] He says that no-one's even seen Digger for a couple of days.  
Man2: Now what the hell we going to do?  
Man1: Aw man. Would you look at this! [Legs pop out from boot.] You got to be kidding me!  
Man2: How we supposed to get rid of a body without Digger?  
Man1: I don't know. Just let me think a minute.  
**Squad Room**  
Welsh: [To Fraser and Ray] Oh yeah! The excrement is just about to hit the air conditioning. The officers who raided Van Zandt restaurant could not come up with any evidence that Jones was there. [To someone else] Pass these out. [To all detectives] The States Attorneys Office has lost its Star Witness the night before he was supposed to testify. Now they lost him. It's our job to find him. [Phone rings. He taps it] Miss Vecchio.  
Frannie: Oh. Bruno's fine meats. Err.. Squad Room.  
Welsh: .....the cars to keep a lookout for Jones. But I think the probabilities of him still being vertical are slim to none.  
Ray: Stupid bastard.  
Frannie: Hey Ray! Where's Fraser?  
Ray: Hmm, let me think. He's right there! [Point to right in front of her.]  
Frannie: Oh.  
Welsh: [To another detective] Fill me in on this Johnson case.  
Det: I went by his crib but he was already in the wind. Slipped with his two, Shorty and his main squeeze. I'm vibing that he plays for the boys.  
Welsh: OK Stay on it. It's an important case.  
Fraser: Ray, do you recall that car we saw last night at Van Zandt's Restaurant?  
Ray: It's a large street Fraser, we passed a lot of cars.  
Fraser: Well this one was particularly............  
[They walk off and a policewoman walks to Frannie carrying a bunch of flowers]  
Policewoman: These just arrived for you. So who are they from?  
Frannie: Oh, they're just ah, from um, somebody I ah, well nobody really knows I know him you know. It's not 'cause I'm ashamed because I'm not. He's actually very very handsome, and gorgeous actually, is what he is. Ah, it's just that I, I kinda liked someone before um, and I just can't even believe that I liked this person [laughs] because I am so not interested in this person anymore as a matter of fact I just I think I have to go to the bathroom. [Starts to cry and rushes out]  
[Dief follows Frannie with flowers, Ray and Fraser come back]  
Fraser: The car I'm referring to Ray, is a bronze 1984 LTD Crown Victoria with bodyfiller over the wheel weld, mismatching snow tires. RCW 139. Stalled at the intersection. Now it was reported stolen two hours ago.  
Ray: What does this have to do with anything?  
Fraser: It could be a coincidence I suppose. Could be.  
**Yard**  
Man1: No, no, no. It was actually stolen last night. I just, just didn't notice it until this morning.  
Fraser: Excuse me. It's probably just me but if you only noticed the car missing three hours ago, how can you be sure it was stolen last night.  
Man1: Er, right, right. The thing is I er, I was going to go out to the store late last night for some milk and er, cookies but I, you know I just I didn't...the car wasn't there. I just don't remember. I remember now, but I just didn't notice it at the time.  
Ray: Didn't think of it at the time. What are you saying, so the car somehow er, lost it's molecular integrity.  
Man1: No. I er, I just didn't see the car so I figured well, maybe somebody borrowed it.  
Ray: Isn't the truth of the matter that you used the car this morning in the commission of a felonious act, and now you've only reported it stolen to absolve yourself of any responsibility or connection to said vehicle?  
Man1: What?  
Fraser: That's a beautiful paragraph.  
Ray: Thank you.  
[The car is driven into the yard by the other man]  
Fraser: That's the car.  
Ray: Hey! [Handcuffs other man to car he was working on.]  
Man1: Is that completely necessary?  
Ray: Imperative.  
Man2: [In stalled car] Oh no!  
Ray: Hold it! Public service announcement, please buckle up for safety. Out of the car. Come on. Fraser I'm out of cuffs.  
Fraser: Dief watch him! [Looks in boot] I think these minute specks will likely prove to be blood.  
Man2: I've never seen him before in my life.  
Ray: Who?  
Man2: I don't know.  
**Precinct**  
Welsh: Lab boys can't promise us anything on the blood for at least 24 hours.  
Ray: Great.  
Handler: Well we found the gun in Van Zandt driver's room. Recently fired.  
Fraser: If we could that gun to a bullet in Mr. Jones body, then you should be able to convince the chauffeur to testify against Mr. Van Zandt.  
Handler: That's right. So we've got to get those two rocket scientists you brought in to cough up the bodies.  
Ray: Hang on a second. Where's your buddy?  
Handler: He's working on them now.  
Ray: Working on them? That's my collar! My collar!  
Welsh: Settle down detective.  
Handler: Hey! You can handle the interrogation but I want everything, every word.  
Fraser: Understood. Ray.  
**Holding Cell**  
Agent: Look Van Zandt is implicated in the disappearance and presumed murder of at least nine men over the last two years! No what the hell's he doing the bodies huh? You're going to talk! I can throw you back in the general population and spread the word that you ratted out Van Zandt. How long do you think you're going to last? A day? An hour maybe? How long?  
Ray: All right. That's it. Beat it.  
Agent: What?  
Ray: You want me to open up a can of whoop-ass on you?  
Fraser: Ray, Ray, RAY. Please. This is just a jurisdictional issue. I'm sure it can be sorted out with an appropriate dispute resolution mechanism much like the recent Canadian softwood lumber dispute. [Shows agent out.]  
Ray: You guys OK? Want a soda or something?  
Man1: Yeah.  
Man2: Sodas would be great.  
Ray: [To guard] Er, Miller, can you get these guys a soda? Don't give me that look! Um, and let them go to the can, and bring them to 1 and 2. Thanks.  
**Squad Room**  
Frannie: [On phone] No, Atlantic City's good. No really, it's, it's good, I,I love nature. [Man on phone says something in German] Um, listen, I have to go. [He says something else about not knowing any English.] Me too. Bye.  
Welsh: Blood in the car was type O-positive.  
Handler Two tone Jones is O-positive.  
Fraser: Unfortunately so are 1, 940,000 people in the Greater Chicago area.  
**Interview Room**  
Man1: Look, I can't say anything OK. I can't. It's a personal safety issue.  
Ray: Look I understand that. All I'm saying is you give me something that I can verify independently. You know, then you don't have to get involved in this, and I'll put the word out on the street that you were the toughest hardcase I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with.  
Man1: Really?  
Ray: Absolutely. I burnt you with cigarettes, I er, beat you with phone books, I punctured your spleen with an ice-pick. Never cracked once.  
Man1: I don't know nothing. I'm sorry.  
Ray: Ira, don't think your doing yourself any favors here.  
Ira: Hmm, yeah.  
**Other interview room**  
Fraser: I see you've hurt your fingers.  
Man2: Yeah, I er, I burned 'em with a cutting torch. At work.  
Fraser: [produces salve from pocket.] You should rub some of this on it'll help to prevent blistering.  
Man2: Ah, thanks.  
Fraser: It's Lichen and Elk horn in a base of sea cucumber. I've often used it myself when I've had, well when I've hurt my fingers. Ice burns. One time I'd fallen in a crevasse while I was pursuing a rouge taxidermist across a glacial field.  
Man2: Whoa!  
Fraser: I'd lost my gloves, I had to pull myself up 600 feet using only my bare hands.  
[Door opens, Frannie walks in]  
Frannie: Fraser we have to talk.  
Fraser: Francesca, this is something of an awkward time.  
Man2: Er, you should never put work before relationships, that's, that's what's wrong with the world today.  
Frannie: Yeah, he's right Fraser. You know sometimes we get so caught up in our jobs, that er, well, we forget the things that are really important. 
Man2: She's right.  
Frannie: Thank you, or maybe we just, we're just afraid to say what we really feel for er, lots of different reasons.  
Man2: Fear of rejection.  
Frannie: OK shut up! Can you step outside?  
Fraser: Um, excuse me.  
Man2: Ok.  
**Corridor**  
Frannie: Er, Fraser, um, this isn't going to work between us.  
Fraser: It isn't?  
Frannie: Well no, how could it?  
Fraser: Well I'm not sure what.....  
Frannie: Fraser, Fraser, please, please, don't beg. OK. I don't wanna remember you this way.  
Fraser: Francesca, I'm not.. I'm a little...  
Frannie: Fraser you have to face the wall.  
Fraser: Alright. [He turns to face the wall]  
Frannie: Look, I, I understand that, you know, this, this may come as a bit of a shock. No, Fraser! The wall, you have to face the wall of reality.  
Fraser: Oh! Ha!  
Frannie: I'm getting married.  
Fraser: You're getting married?  
Frannie: Yeah, look I know this is a bit of a shock, and you're probably a little.....shocked! But, ah, take heart OK! 'Cause I, I'm sure that one day you're going to meet someone, and she's probably going to be a, a mountain climber, or a snowmobile repair person, and you're going to be happy too! You know, I mean for my part it's not going to be that easy, because, ours is going to be a mixed marriage. I'm catholic and he's er, he's, he's one of those other religions. So. Well, I hope we can still be friends.  
Fraser: Oh yes, of course. I'm very happy for you. It's wonderful news.  
Frannie: Good. Oh God! [Runs off crying.]  
**Ray's car**  
Ray: Francesca's getting married? Who'd marry that?  
Fraser: Ray! Francesca's a delightful, attractive, intelligent young woman.  
Ray: I know, Fraser. But you're talking every day!  
Fraser: True enough! [Pull up outside factory. Reads side of lorry.] Eskimo shipping.  
Ray: So you think the body's going to be here?  
Fraser: Well Vince worked here a year ago and Mr. Van Zandt is a partner in the business.  
Ray: So I guess if you had a body you'd have to keep it on ice else it'd be getting pretty funky by now!  
Fraser: Shall we? Dief care to join us?  
Ray: Eskimo shipping. That's funny 'cause when I was a kid, we had these Eskimo pies.  
Fraser: You know Ray the term Eskimo itself is sort of derogatory, it's kind of like the tomahawk chop or the Atlanta braves fans or Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians.  
Ray: You know not what you speak because Chief Wahoo is a cartoon.  
[Hear sirens. Handler and co. pull up outside]  
Ray: Come on! This is getting ridiculous!  
Handler: I'll take it from here Vecchio.  
Agent: She's a bit of a control freak, sorry.  
Ray: Maybe you can get the sirens turned up so people in Pittsburgh didn't hear you coming.  
Agent: I'll run that by her.  
**Inside Eskimo Shipping** 
Agent: Nothing! Everything's clean.  
Handler: Alright, we're going to stop and search everyone of their trucks!  
Van Zandt: Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing on my property? Huh? This is police harassment Arthur, you sue these bastards!  
Arthur: I'm on it. Nicholas, I'm on it.  
Handler: Every truck, understood?  
Agent: Understood?  
Van Zandt: You're finished.  
Arthur: Alright, Nicholas, Nicholas I'm on it!  
Van Zandt: You're finished! When I get through with you!  
[Agents leave.]  
Arthur: Nicholas, Nicholas! Please! [On phone]Yeah, this is Arthur Vole attorney to Nicolas Van Zandt.  
Van Zandt: How do you come onto my property without a warrant? You got a warrant?  
Arthur: I'd like to see Judge Gorman in his chambers as soon as possible to help to put an end to this police harassment of this innocent man at once. Hello? Yes, we're on our way. All right thanks. [Hangs up.] Let's go Nick.  
Van Zandt: [To another employee] You find Digger! I don't care if his mother is on an island. Drag him away from the death bed, and get him over to that funeral home you hear me?  
Arthur: Nicholas, listen to me! As you attorney I can't hear this!  
Van Zandt: So put your hands over your ears Counselor! [He does so.] What the hell am I supposed to do with Jones's body huh? Use it for a paper weight? If Digger isn't at the funeral home to take care of Jones' body, there's going to be somebody at the funeral home to take care of his. You hear me? [To Arthur] Come on! What are standing there like an idiot with your hands over your ears for God's sake! Come on!  
**Precinct** 
Welsh: Anything on those refrigerator trucks?  
Dewey: Nothin'. You wanna know something? Dead cows are disgusting!  
Huey: Maybe you should go vegetarian.  
Dewey: I'd rather eat the truck.  
Handler: Hey guys! Sonofabitch! I can't believe it! Judge Gorman granted Van Zandt the injunction. I can't even go near the man 'til after the trial.  
Welsh: If we don't find the body pretty quick it's going to be a short trial.  
Fraser: It strikes me, that someone as meticulous as Mr. Van Zandt couldn't have disposed of 9 bodies in a haphazard manner. He must have had some kind of disposal system.  
Welsh: Good so far, but do you have any idea what kind of system?  
Dewey: Hey! Why don't we just wail on those 2 morons we got downstairs?  
Ray: Forget about it. They just lawyered up bigtime. Joel Flatman, I believe, he works for Arthur Vole, Van Zandt's lawyer.  
Welsh: He's rubbing out noses in it! Does Van Zandt still operate out of the restaurant on Dupont?  
Dewey: Oh yeah, the foccacia bread's fantastic there. You know they use a tiny daub of nut vinegar or something.......  
Welsh: I want somebody there 24 hours a day. I want photos of everyone who comes in and goes out.  
Huey: Whoa, whoa! You're talking hundreds of people here. Van Zandt's is a very happening spot.  
Dewey: Their lunches, y'know reasonably priced, large portions.  
Welsh: We need somebody on the inside. Detective Vecchio!  
Ray: Yes sir.  
Welsh: Pick someone as a cover.  
Frannie: I'll do it.  
Welsh: Miss Vecchio, this is police work, it could be dangerous.  
Frannie: Well, I want to do it.  
Fraser: Francesca, the lieutenant's right.  
Frannie: Shut up Fraser!  
Fraser: As you wish.  
Welsh: You're getting married.  
Frannie: Well, then call it a wedding present OK? Let's go Ray. I can buy.  
**Van outside the restaurant** 
[Dewey gets into the van after going to get take out from the restaurant. Huey is taking pictures]  
Dewey: Ah! Smells good huh?  
Huey: I can't believe that you're doing this.  
Dewey: I always get take-out from them. They'd get suspicious if I didn't.  
Huey: Mm. It does smell good.  
Dewey: Told you.  
Huey: See Vecchio in there?  
Dewey: Yeah. They're along the isle.  
**Inside the restaurant**  
Ray: Anything?  
Frannie: Huh?  
Ray: Anything?  
Frannie: I don't know. I don't know if I should have the salad, if I should have something....  
Ray: No, no. See anything?  
Frannie: Oh! No. Let me ask you something. How can someone be so smart, how can a person know something so useless like how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto, but they have no idea what's going on under their own noses?  
Ray: Noses?  
Frannie: Nose.  
Ray: We talking about Fraser here?  
Frannie: Fraser! [laughs] No! That's ridiculous. See how funny that is! I have, I have no interest in Fraser.  
Waiter: Have you decided?  
Ray: Um... I'm having trouble deciding between the Tie Domi and the Teemu Selanne.  
Waiter: The Esa Tikkanen's fresh.  
Ray: The Esa Tikkanen's fresh. OK.  
Frannie: Yeah, I'll have the Es,.... Give me the same. Hey, I think there's some guy that knows you.  
[A man from the shipping yard strides towards them]  
Fraser: Sir, excuse me. I wonder if you could help me. Is the Pavel Bure steamed or baked?  
Man3: Ah, it's er, a roasted saddle of salmon, with um, those petites lardons.  
Fraser: It sounds delicious.  
Man3: Well, it's not. [looks round, Ray and Frannie have left]  
**Squad room**  
Welsh: [Shouting from his office to Ray] Come on detective! Let's see those photos!  
Ray: [to Fraser] You know how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto?  
Fraser: Well of course Ray. It's the same as a pound of cheese. 6.4 oz.  
Ray: OK. OK. But er, you know what's right under your nose?  
[They go inside the office]  
Ray: [puts photos on Welsh's desk] Read 'em and weep.  
Welsh: Oh good. [sees one of Dewey] Oh, this is sweet. Perhaps later we'll have a little seminar on surveillance techniques and procedures.  
Dewey: I can't believe you took the pictures.  
Huey: He said everybody!  
Dewey: No he didn't say everybody.  
Welsh: Look, we'll separate them out. Put the normal citizens on the left, connected goombahs on the right.  
Ray: Here's Little Moe Angelo, I thought he was in Joliet. Maybe he's connected.  
Dewey: Oh! Look at this. Tony Orlando.  
Fraser: You think the singer is involved?  
Dewey: Wash your mouth Fraser!  
Ray: Goombah!  
Welsh: Let's get to work, see what we come up with.  
Ray: Goombah!  
Dewey: This could take weeks!  
Ray: Maybe not.  
**Holding Cell**  
[Two police officers throw a violent prisoner into the cell next to the two men]  
Prisoner: Hey! You're the guys who ratted out Van Zandt.  
Man2: Who's Van Zandt?  
Prisoner: Yes you are! You'll be 2 ?stoolies? man. When I get hold of you I'm going to rip your head off. You're dead meat!  
Man1: I don't have to put up with this! [The prisoner grabs him through the bars.] Hey! Hey! There's a freak in here! Get us out.  
[2 uniformed officers burst in along with Ray]  
Man1: Get him off me!  
[Ray and the other officers drag the violent prisoner out]  
Ray: Come on!  
Prisoner: Police Brutality!  
Man1 : That guy's crazy! That's going to happen to us everyday.  
Fraser: You know gentlemen, I certainly don't want to impose my feelings here, or my thoughts. In fact, I think that most people are entitled to make their own decisions, indeed make their own mistakes, but um, ...  
Ray: However, if your thoughts are running.....  
Fraser: However, if your thoughts are running in the direction of Police protection I can assure you that the Chicago Police Department has an excellent plan with many um...  
Ray: Side benefits.....  
Fraser: Side benefits.  
Man1: Thanks.  
[Squad room]  
Man2: [Shown a picture] Ah! Now he's back in town.  
Ray: Who is he?  
Man2: Tommy Gallant. They call him Digger. Works at the funeral home that Van Zandt's got a piece of over on er Fourth?  
Man1: Yeah, Fourth. Oh man! [sees the violent prisoner n the squad room putting his shoulder holster on and wearing a badge] You ratted out Van Zandt and now we're dead, we're dead men. You tricked us!  
**Squad Room, later** 
Fraser: [talking to Dief, Frannie walks in and hears] You know my Grandmother always said nothing good can come of lying, perhaps she was right. It's justice but at what price? [Dief whines] You can't be serious!  
Frannie: Hi Frase!  
Fraser: Francesca.  
Frannie: Do you need to talk? Fraser: That, that might be helpful.  
Frannie: OK.  
Fraser: I er, I lied, to someone. And at the time I thought it was for their own good, but who's to judge what is good for another?  
Frannie: Well, um, perhaps it's time for you to tell that person, how you really feel.  
Fraser: I think it's gone beyond what I feel.  
Frannie: Oh, no Fraser! It's never too late to go back.  
Fraser: Even if there's jeopardy involved?  
Frannie: Especially if. Just say what you really feel Benton.  
Fraser: I lied.  
Frannie: I knew it!  
Fraser: And it might serve justice...  
Frannie: Justice?  
Fraser: .....but it will compromise the lives of 2 men.  
Frannie: Men?! Men! I er, I don't believe this! We're not even on the same page! You know I used to always think that, that you were like this, this genius, either that or some complete idiot! Now, I've just realized that you can't even see your nose and it's past your face! [they've drawn a crowd by this point] Oh, Oh yeah. Oh honor, duty, what else can you hide behind Fraser? If you just, if you just can't get out of your little toy, kitty, life, well just get out of your car!  
[She storms off, the crowd oohs and ahs for a bit then disperses. Dief whines]  
Fraser: Maybe, maybe.  
**Corridor in the station**  
Handler: Jones is in a funeral home in a coffin under another body. Is that what you're telling me?  
Welsh: Yep. It's perfectly possible. The body with the bullet is in the coffin with the cadaver.  
Ray: That's fantastic! Where's the best place to hide a body? In a grave. This guy must have been doing this for years.  
Handler: How are we going to find this other body? They got a judge on their side. No judge is going to grant us a warrant to go into a funeral home without just cause. We can't get just cause without going into the funeral home. [They enter Welsh's office]  
Fraser: True, but if by some other means we were able to determine that the body was there, might we not be able to take that information to the judge?  
Handler: Depends on the means.  
Ray: Show, show 'em that thing.  
Fraser: Right I'll need a stethoscope...  
Welsh: I left mine in my other suit.  
Fraser: I'll also need a place to lie down.....  
Ray: I can get you that.  
Fraser: And I will need the tetrodotoxin from the gland secretions of a bouga toad. [He shows then one in his hand.]  
**Morgue**  
[Desk Sergeant is delivering mail to pigeonholes. She opens the door to an examination room]  
Sgt: Looks dead alright. [She opens the door to an examination room and sees Fraser lying on the table.] Oh my god!  
Welsh: It's alright Sergeant.  
[Handler shines a light into Fraser's eyes and checks his pulse ]  
Ray: Ok Fraser. Come on, let's go. [Clicks his fingers] Come on, let's go! Hey!! [Claps his hands] Fraser, you're freaking me out! Come on!  
[Fraser blinks and sits up]  
Fraser: I was really far under. I could hear you Ray, but as though from the bottom of a deep well.  
Sgt: What is going on?  
Handler: [Pushes her out.] Nothing you've seen here leaves this room. [to Fraser] How d'you do that?  
Fraser: Well, with the secretions from the Bouga toad you can control the impulses to the autonomic nervous system, you can slow the EEG and ECG till they're virtually undetectable.  
Handler: So you can go into this trance on command?  
Fraser: Well, not exactly no. It takes about 15 minutes to go under and 15 minutes to come out.  
Handler: How long can you stay under?  
Fraser: Er, once in a lean-to on the shores of the Nahanni I was under for exactly 36 hours.  
Ray: Then what happened?  
Fraser: Well, then I had to....well...  
Handler; You had to pee Constable?  
Fraser: Well, yes, I had consumed roughly the equivalent of a dug-out canoe's worth of bark tea.  
**Squad Room**  
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Now, no matter what you hear over the next couple of days , don't believe it. I will be alright. You must trust me on this. In the meantime Ray will take care of you.  
Ray: Hey, Dief buddy! Come on....[Dief runs off after Francesca.]  
Fraser: Well it would seem he finds her even more attractive now that she's betrothed.  
Ray: Er...Well..  
**Funeral Home** 
Digger: Mr. Vecchio. You can come in now. I added some body to the hair and some color to the cheeks.  
Ray: He looks good.  
Digger: Thanks. Young guy. It's too bad. What is that uniform? Is he an usher?  
Ray: Doorman.  
Digger: Oh!  
Ray: One of the best.  
Digger: Yes.  
Ray: Yes.  
Digger: Yes. Now, this is our Northumbria casket, you said I should pick one.  
Ray: Yeah.  
Digger. Now this is slightly more expensive than our El Camino or our Fandango models, but you can feel here, [they do] it's got the extra padding.  
Ray: Oh yeah, got to be comfortable. He's going to be there a long time.  
Digger: Now, also, the Northumbria is absolutely airtight. [He shuts the lid.] I thought, since we weren't embalming it was more appropriate for er..  
Ray: Longer shelf life. I hear you, but he's er, claustro... was claustrophobic. So, can we keep it open?  
Digger: Yes, of course. [opens it.]  
Ray: [crying] Could I have a minute?  
Digger: Of course. [leaves]  
Ray: Fraser? They're going to be closing up here in a little while so I got to go. Umm, tell you the truth I thought Hospitals made me nervous, but this place, huh, yikes! OK, I'm babbling. Um, that er, rouge makes you look like a toy soldier! [laughs] Um, OK, alright, I'll see you in the morning. Hey, if you find the body, er, see if he's got my phone. [waves his hands in front of Fraser] Weird.  
**Squad Room**  
Ray: Ok Diefenbaker. You're coming home with me. You can't stay here, let's go. [The next bit is seen trough Dief's eyes and ears with subtitles.] Yeah, I know, I know, I know, but.  Now I'm having a conversation with the dog. [Dief says put.]  
**Funeral Home**  
[Fraser is having some kind of dream, or out of body experience and is walking down a corridor.] 
Robert Fraser: Where do you think you're going?  
Fraser: Well, I thought I'd er.....  
Robert: You don't want that door.  
Fraser: I don't?  
Robert: No son. Over here on the left.  
[He opens a door to a snowy landscape and walks through. His dad is standing there]  
Fraser: What is this place?  
Robert: The Neverland. Just think of it as an existential de-militarized zone. Come on, let's go for a walk, I've got to tell you a few things. First of all, being dead is not all it's cracked up to be?  
**Funeral Parlor** 
[Digger and Van Zandt walk in]  
Van Zandt: Who said that?  
Digger: Said what?  
Van Zandt: Being dead's not all it's cracked up to be. Who said that?  
Digger: I don't know. Maybe the stiff we're using. [Indicates to Fraser]  
Van Zandt: That's a funny one. Hey, this guy looks familiar.  
Digger: He's a doorman.  
Van Zandt: Oh yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, at the, the Cheltenham. Nice guy. Good with a door. So when's he going to get planted?  
Digger: Brother wants him in the ground tomorrow.  
Van Zandt: Never did like dead guys staring at me. [Closes the coffin lid,]  
**Squad Room**  
Sgt: So I'm doing the mail round and I stop in at the morgue, [Dewey walks past] and I see Constable Fraser, yeah, he's the good looking one, anyway, there he is laid out on a slab dead! Well, I, I....  
Dewey: Wait a minute. What did you just say?  
Sgt: About what?  
Dewey: About Fraser  
Sgt: Fraser who?  
Dewey: The guy you said was just dead. The guy in red.  
Sgt: I don't know what you're talking about. Look Nicki, it's self basting, 350, 1 hour, gotta go. [To Dewey] I gotta go.  
Dewey: Jack, have you seen Fraser?  
Huey: Hmm, no. Why?  
Dewey: I think he might be dead!  
Huey: Fraser?  
Dewey: Yeah.  
Huey: What are you talking about? How can he be dead?  
Cop/Violent Prisoner: Who's dead?  
Dewey: Fraser.  
Cop: Dead?  
Dewey: Yeah.  
Huey: We don't know he's dead.  
Dewey: Well, have you seen him around here lately?  
Huey: I haven't seen Chelsea Clinton around here but I'm pretty sure she's not dead! [The cop is spreading the news]  
Dewey: I've got a bad feeling about this Jack.  
Huey: Vecchio would know. [To cops standing round] Have any of you guys seen Vecchio?  
Dewey: [At Ray's desk] This is a pig-sty. [Picks up a pad]  
Huey: Let me see that.  
Dewey: What, you're some kind of junior G-man now? [Huey rubs pencil onto the pad]  
Huey: Benjamin and Son funeral home. He can't be dead.  
**Wedding dress shop** 
[phone rings] 
Assistant: Sounds fantastic. Does he have a brother? [Answers phone] Hello? [gives phone to Frannie] It's for you.  
Frannie: Hello. [listens] My god! [She runs out and nearly gets run over.]  
Driver: Hey look out! What? You come to your senses or what?  
**Funeral Home** 
[Digger is pushing a coffin down the hall]  
Van Zandt: What the hell are you doing?  
Digger: We've got the brother coming in.  
Van Zandt: Well, to hell with the brother.  
Digger: Mr. Van Zandt, I got a business here. And it's got to appear to be running normally or we draw some heat. Just let me get rid of the brother.  
**Parking lot outside funeral home** 
[Ray pulls in. As he and Dief are walking to the entrance Huey and Dewey pull up]  
Huey: Is it true?  
Ray: Not great.  
Huey: Ray, wait!  
[Running inside, Ray sees the coffin shut and runs to open it.] 
Ray: Fraser! Fraser! [to Dief] Can he breathe? [Dief whines]  
Dewey: God, it's true.  
Huey: I can't believe it. He's like superman. He can't die.  
**The Neverland**  
Robert: I'd imagine you have a number of questions you want to ask. Like, is this eternity or just a stopping place? Is death a transition or the end of the line, and if it's the end of the line do I still have to shave? Questions along those lines.  
Fraser: Yes actually.  
Robert: Ah well. You're on your own there.  
Fraser: That's great Dad. That's really enlightening.  
Robert: You see son, in the borderland all the questions you ask are unique to you, and the answers are yours alone.  
**Funeral Home** 
[Everyone from the station and the Consulate has arrived]  
Dewey: I remember when that kid died, I was so freaked, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Fraser told me that story about the moose on the side of the mountain.  
Ray: [To a Rabbi] He's not Jewish.  
Huey: He told me that story when my car wouldn't start.  
Welsh: So the guy only had one story, what, are you going to sue him?  
[Turnbull cries on Welsh]  
Ray: [to Fraser] Fraser, I know you're down a deep well, but maybe you could come back for a second and tell me if you found Jones' body.  
Dewey: Ray. [Ray starts crying] You've got to let him go Ray. Come on, let him go.  
Ray: I'm good OK.  
Dewey: OK.  
Ray: Ray from the material world, it's Ray from the material world. Fraser it's kinda getting out of hand.  
**The Neverland**  
Fraser: Let's say I did have a question. One that was unique to me. Where would I go to ask it?  
Robert: In here son. [Points to Ben's heart.] You ask yourself. Your whole life is in here, compressed into a single point in space and time. So that no matter what direction you step, you're destination is the same. Isn't that fun? This way. Here's where we come to make sense of everything. You never know what life means until you die. One of the Brownings said that. Kurt or Robert, Devaux Browning. In any event, it's death that gives life significance.  
Fraser: So that door with er, the light behind it, does that mean I'm...?  
Robert: Dead. No son. Look at this as a coming attraction. You've got a few more obligations to fulfill.  
*Funeral Home** 
[Frannie rushes in, sees Fraser and starts crying. Then she picks him up by the pillow and sees the dead body underneath him. She screams loudly.] 
**The Neverland**  
[The scream is heard]  
Robert: [covers his ears.] Ooh! That's never happened before.  
**Funeral Home** 
[Turnbull screams too. Then both him and Frannie scream together. Van Zandt and his goons rush in. One of them pulls a gun.] 
Dewey: Gun!  
[All the Police Officers pull their guns. The coffin lid shuts. Van Zandt takes Frannie hostage]  
Welsh: Van Zandt. You've got nowhere to go.  
Van Zandt's man: What are we going to do?  
Van Zandt: Shut up! This is what's going to happen. You're all going to lower your guns your gonna give me a clear path. Empty the street, give me a car. Cause if you don't you're gonna to have one dead lady on your hands. From 5, 4, 3...  
**The Neverland** 
Fraser: I think someone's in trouble.  
Robert: That'd be one of your obligations.  
Fraser: Thanks Dad.  
Robert: Anytime.  
Fraser: See you later.  
**Funeral Home** 
[Fraser sits up and bursts out of the coffin. Turnbull faints, then Frannie, one by one everyone else faints apart from Ray, Welsh, Handler and the other agent]  
Welsh: It looks like Jonestown in here.  
Agent: At least it's quiet.  
Handler: Way I like it.  
Phone rings.  
Ray: Can you get my phone?  
**Squad Room** 
Ray: Let's see, three 99 year sentences. So Van Zandt's going to be available for parole in what...?  
Fraser: 143 years.  
Ray: Ah.  
[They leave, Desk Sergeant comes in]  
Sgt: [to Frannie] Someone to see you at the front.  
Frannie: Ok thanks.  
**Front Desk** 
Frannie: [Walks up to a guy] Hi.  
German Guy: Hi!  
Frannie: Um, I'm really glad you're here, cause er, listen, ah, I've been thinking about what happened with us, and er, I just have some issues that I have to deal with. [Get a clear look at him. It's Paul Gross in glasses!] And it has nothing to do with you. I just don't think it's a very good idea that we get married right now. Or at all.  
German Guy: [In German, with English subtitles] I have no idea what you're saying.  
Frannie: I know this is difficult, but it's really for the best.  
German Guy: [In German] As I told you before, I can't speak any English  
Frannie: English, yes, good, see, it's good, you understand.  
German Guy: [In German] You Chicago girls are strange. I must go now, my little pumpkin. Bye.

End of Dead Men Don't Throw Rice 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Say Amen

**Exiting a movie theatre** 
Ray:  How about those special effects. That space ship maneuver.  I thought I was getting a brush out.  
Thatcher:  That might be an improvement.  
Ray:  So what do you think?  
Thatcher:  I thought it was non-stop mindless violence.  
Ray:  Everything a movie should be.  
Turnbull:  Well I for one was quite drawn to the costumes.  
Thatcher:  Costumes?  
Turnbull:  And the emotional landscape painted by the acting was delicious.  
Thatcher:  Acting? They could've been robots.  
Ray:  There were playing robots. What did you think? 
Fraser:  Well you know Ray, I couldn't really hear.  
Ray:  There was a huge sound Fraser.  
Fraser:  Well exactly my ears are somewhat more attuned to the silence of the northern forest.  
Ray:  You're living in a city Fraser, come on, adjust.  
Fraser:  I'll try.  
Ray:  Look at that I bet they didn't see five minutes of the movie.  
Fraser:  There's something to be said for young love.  
Ray:  Yeah it sucks.  
Turnbull:  I think it's beautiful  
Thatcher:  How would you know?  
Fraser: Hmm.  
Thatcher:  I agree  
Ray:  What?  
Fraser:  That man seems to be taking an undue interest in that young couple.  
Ray:  Well he's probably a security guard takes them for shop lifters.  
Fraser:  They don't look like shoplifters Ray.  
Ray:  Well he's a security guard, that's sorta like a cop and he's got instincts and err you know he thinks it's a cover and they're shoplifters.  
Fraser:  You know I'm a police officer and I have instincts and my instincts tell me that they're not in a store and there is nothing to steal.  
Ray:  Ahh good point taken.  
Fraser:  They're on their way out.  
Ray:  Fraser the car's this way.  Fraser!  
Turnbull:  I believe he's following his instincts.  
Sandy:  They're outside lets go!  
Ray:  See the guy's gone the other way.  
Fraser:  Apparently they were unrelated.  
Ray:  Let's go it's cold out here.  
Fraser:  Ray!  
Davie:  No, No! 
[Struggle and the two men push Eloise into the car.]  
Davie:  Leave her alone.  
Eloise:  Davie, DAVIE  
Davie:  Eloise, ELOISE  
Fraser:  Calm down.  
Davie:  They got Eloise.  
Ray:  Eloise what's her last name?  
Davie:  I don't know I just love her.  
**Credits Roll**  
Ray:  Ok, ok, you love her but you don't know her last name, how does that work?  
Davie:  We met at the mall.  
Ray:  When?  
Davie:  Last week.  
Ray:  Last week so this is a long term thing?  
Davie:  Hey, you think this is funny man?  
Ray:  No, but it would help if we knew something about her.  
Davie:  OK we met at the mall last week. We went out a couple of times, and she was just, well from the first time I met her, man, I knew, I knew she was the one. You know what I mean?  I knew she was special.  
Ray:  Love at first sight?  
Turnbull:  Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Ezelda.  
Welsh:  Albert and Costello.  
Francesca:  He's talking about love at first sight. Which does happen.  It happened to me.  
Welsh:  That's a crock. Lust at first sight maybe but love? No never happens.  
Thatcher:  I'd have to agree with the lieutenant what we refer to as love at first site is actually just a combination of chemical reactions triggered by pheromonal stimulation.  
Welsh:  Say what?  
Thatcher:  It's about how you smell.  
Francesca:  Oh god, that's so cynical, and so wrong, and.  Fraser what do you think?  
Fraser:  Well there was a lot happening, and the boy was holding on to the bumper which partially obscured the license plate. But I do know it was a white 1996 Cadillac four door sedan and the first 3 letters of the plate were H A P.  
Francesca:  OK, well, I'll just go and check that out then.  
Fraser:  But I do think it happens.  
Welsh:  Do you have any proof of that Constable?  
Fraser:  He was willing to lay down his life for her.  [Looks over at Ray.] 
Davie:  Yeah I know it sounds like, really ridiculous, but she never really talked a lot about herself.  
Ray:  Look you don't know where she lives, you don't know who her parents are, where she works, or if she goes to school.  
Davie:  Yeah but I know she was unhappy.  Man she never really liked her life.  
Ray:  Unhappy? Was that all she ever talked about?  
Davie:  No we talked all the time.  
Ray:  About?  
Davie:  Well about us. About the future.  
Huey: Well, you know the thing is, you can't really love someone until you know them.  
Dewey:  Sure you can.  The hard thing is to love them after you know them.  
Francesca:  Ok, it looks like I've got three possible matches.  
Fraser:  A dentist in Belwood, a plumber in Cartridge, and the Unfettered Evangelical Church of the Holy Bible.  
Thatcher:  Holy Rollers  
Fraser:  Well actually Sir the term 'Holy Roller' properly refers to the evangelical Pentecostals of the 19th Century.  
Thatcher:  Whatever, it's still just a lot of yelling and jumping around.  
Davie:  She's pretty.  
Ray:  Uh hu.  
Davie:  She's got a great voice.  
Ray:  Uh hu.  
Davie:  And she got a great southern accent.  
Ray: Uh hu.  
**The Unfettered Church of the Holy Bible**  
Thatcher:  There's the car.  
Fraser:  Sir, Sir, you needn't. . .  
Thatcher:  No Fraser, I've been behind a desk too long this is exactly what I need. Field work gets the blood pumping.  
Ray:  Same car. 
Fraser:  Very possibly, Ray. There hand prints may well have been made by Davie as he was dragged all over Nell's Half acre. .  
Thatcher:  Exactly  
Ray (to Davie):  Hey back of the line.  
Fraser:  Oh Diefenbaker, I think you should probably stay here. No, it's not discrimination its- 
Ray:  Health regulations.  
Fraser:  Health regulations.  
**Inside the church** 
[Chorus is singing 'I do believe in miracles, I do believe!']  
Fraser:  It is a very interesting example of ecclesiastical artistry. Inspector, are you all right?  
Thatcher:  I don't know, I feel kinda tingly.  
Ray:  Tingly?  
Thatcher:  Flushed.  My knees feel kinda weak.  
Fraser:  Ohmygod.  
Thatcher:  To the lord.  
[Thatcher joins the chorus] 
Rev Barrow:  Thank you that was beautiful. A special thank you to our guest. We always have a place here for another beautiful voice. Brothers and sisters lift you voices lift your voices and praise the lord.  
Ray:  So maybe we should come back later.  
Fraser:  Actually I think the administrative offices are right through there. Someone might know about the car. Shall we?  
Rev Barrow:  Welcome to the Unfettered Church of the Holy Bible.  
Fraser:  Thank you.  
Ray:  Churches make me nervous.  
Fraser:  That's an odd reaction.  
Ray:  Well, I'm more of a human sacrifice guy you know.  
Rev Barrow:  Let him hear you.  
Fraser:  Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray.  
Ray:  What?  
Fraser:  It's this way.  
Ray:  Oh  
Rev Barrow:  We can move mountains, we can heal the sick, we can live miracles. You know, there are people who think that miracles are nothing but old stories from the bible.  
Mrs. Barrow:  God bless you.  
Fraser:  Well, thank you kindly.  
Mrs. Barrow:  Well, we could always use more volunteers.  
Ray:  My Dad always said never volunteer for nothing. Errr, Chicago PD.  
Rev Barrow:  Miracles are proof of his love and charity  
Mrs. Barrow:  Oh, I thought you were here to help with the collection.  
Fraser:  Collection?  
Mrs. Barrow:  From our radio audience they like to contribute to the ministry so we have phone volunteers to help take those donations.  Ummm, it makes them feel like they're actually here at the service.  
Rev Barrow:  Miracles are ours for the asking.  
Fraser:  You own that white Cadillac out there?  
Mrs. Barrow:  Well the church owns a number of vehicles.  
Fraser:  We have reason to believe that a young woman may have been abducted by men driving that particular car.  
Mrs. Barrow:  Well this is a church Constable, is it?  
Fraser:  Yes my name is Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police I fir--  
Ray:  Uh uh.  
Fraser:  I'm sorry.  
Mrs. Barrow:  We don't go around abducting people.  
Fraser:  Well that's a very commendable policy.  
Davie:  Well, she's a young girl about five foot three.  She's really really beautiful, got long blonde hair and there is something about her, something special.  
Mrs. Barrow:  You know this girl?  
Davie:  I love this girl.  
Ray:  Oh whatever.  See the point of the fact of the deal is we've got to find out who was driving that car.  
Mrs. Barrow:  Well I don't imagine anyone was, Detective, because we're having a service.  
Rev Barrow:  Let him hear you voices! 
Ray:  Do you have a record? A vehicle log, anything like that  
Mrs. Barrow:  No.  
Fraser:  Would you mind if we just had a look see?  
Mrs. Barrow:  Well this is private property Constable, but we don't have anything to hide.  I'll be happy to show you.  
Davie:  There he is!  
Rev Barrow:  Hallelujah Hallelujah.  
Ray:  Chicago PD, up against the wall..  
Mrs. Barrow:  Addie?  
Fraser:  Yes ma'am, do you know this man?  
Mrs. Barrow:  Why yes, he's one of our largest assistants.  
Ray:  Assistants? He just kidnapped a girl of Bartland Street.  
[Mrs. Barrow open the doors.  Eloise is at the front of the church] 
Davie:  Eloise?  
Ray:  Eloise.  
Mrs. Barrow:  Eloise is my daughter.  
[Eloise performs a miracle] 
Mrs. Barrow:  She is blessed by the lord she can perform miracles.  
**27th Precinct**  
Dewey:  Here's your statement. Read it and sigh it. OK so you had no idea that she knew this guy who put her in the car?  
Davie:  I'm telling you, I've never seen him before.  
Dewey:  She never mentioned him?  
Davie:  Uh uh.  
Dewey:  Ok, this is your permanent address right?  
Davie:  Yeah.  
**Frannie's desk**  
Ray:  All right let me get this straight. Your guy. 
Eloise:  Addie, his name is Addie.  
Ray:  OK Addie when Addie put you in the car it was of your own free will.  
Eloise:  Well I wanted to stay with Davie, but it was time for the service.  He came to get me, it's his job. [To Frannie about Davie]  He's not in any trouble is he?  
Francesca:  Kinda like him, huh?  
Eloise:  I know it's wrong.  
Francesca:  No it's not wrong.  I mean, you know, he seems like a nice looking guy kinda.  Sweet.  
Eloise:  It's wrong for me.  I belong to god.  
Francesca:  What do you mean, like a nun or something?  
Eloise:  I've been blessed.  I can heal the sick.  
Francesca:  Really? I mean, for real you know, not fake or magic or something? 
Eloise:  I can do it.  
Francesca:  Wow that's great.  
Eloise:  No, no it isn't. I mean I know it's a gift an' all but to be perfectly honest it's real hard. I don't have much of a life of my own and I thought with Davie.  I don't know why God gives me there feelings if they're so wrong.  
Francesca:  Well couldn't you just, you know, heal people and have a boyfriend too?  
Eloise:  I have to be pure.  
Francesca:  Oh.  Oh!  Wow that's err really too bad. I- 
Eloise:  I should never have talked to him.  
Francesca:  Have you, umm, known very many guys?  
Eloise:  I've been raised up in a church all my life.  He's been the only one.  
Francesca:  Yeah that's what I thought.  
[Davie mouths "I love you" to Eloise.]  
**27th - Dewey's desk**  
Dewey:  She confirms his story.  
Rev Barrow:  That's good, so can we all go now, Lieutenant?  
Welsh:  Yeah take them out side and finish the err... paperwork.  
Rev Barrow:  You're lucky we don't sue for false arrest.  
Fraser:  I saw him grab your daughter, Reverend, and he did not do it in a very friendly manner.  
Mrs. Barrow:  Addie takes his job very seriously.  
Fraser:  Perhaps a little too seriously.  You might want to speak to him about that..  
Rev Barrow:  Eloise is a head strong young girl.  She needs a firm hand.  
Huey:  The kid's in the washroom, let's go get a coffee.  Can you believe this?  I was just talking to the guy at the radio station that runs the church service. Did you know that they get over a million listeners every week.  
Dewey:  The filtered church of the holy bible gets a million listeners?  
Huey:  Unfettered.  
Dewey:  Unfettered, unfiltered whatever, a million listeners. Each on of those listeners phones in for a buck that's a million dollars a week.  That's a scam.  
Huey:  Not everyone is going to phone in, though.  
Dewey:  Hey they're not going to be listening if they're not going to phone in, though.  
Huey:  Net necessarily.  Ever watched PBS?  They never get phone ins.  
Ray:  Addie's an old felon. Three assault convictions in Mississippi.  
Mrs. Barrow:  A long time ago detective. Addie has been with us from the very beginning of our ministry.  
Rev Barrow:  One of our first converts.  Sometimes lost sheep make the most feverant believers.  
Ray:  And sometimes people who like to hit, they just like to hit.  
Dewey:  Ok, let's say half of them phone in for 2 bucks.  That's still a million bucks.  
Huey:  If half of them gave, say, 10 bucks, that's five million dollars.  That's not bad.  
Dewey:  See, religion's the way to go.  
Huey:  Go?  
Dewey:  Yeah think about it.  You and I could be cops forever, you know, listen, we could make people feel good about themselves, cure a few hemorrhoids, make a few bucks.  Everybody's going to be happy.  
Huey:  What are you, trying to start a religion now?  
Dewey:  Yeah it's like country music - how hard can it be?  
Huey:  What ever happened to that comedy club idea we had? 
Dewey:  This is easier.  
Huey:  Good to go, my man.  
Dewey:  Comedy, religion. 
Rev Barrow:  That kid should not have been within a hundred miles of Eloise.  
Ray:  Davie was doing nothing wrong.  
Welsh:  Your man had no right to assault him, Reverend.  Seeing this is a family thing and a bit of a misunderstanding, we'll let it go for now.  But tell your man to keep his fists in his pocket next time.  
Rev Barrow:  You make that boy stay away from Eloise.  
Ray:  Oh nice.  
Fraser:  Well, it's not uncommon for parents to be protective of their daughter.  
Ray:  Especially when she's a miracle meal ticket.  
Davie:  Eloise.  
Ray:  Hey Davie.  
Davie:  Eloise.  
Rev Barrow:  Eloise, we can go now. Eloise.  
Ray:  Hey, hey hey.  
Davie:  Eloise.  
Eloise:  No, no you can't see me, you have to stay away from me.  
Davie:  Eloise, you know, you know I can't do that.  
Addie:  Don't touch her.  
Rev Barrow:  Stay away from her.  
Ray:  Take it easy, take it easy.  
Addie:  If he comes near me, I swear to God I'll shoot.  
Ray:  You're pretty tough with kids and dogs how about me? Come on!  
Addie:  Kid came at me first.  
Rev Barrow:  You keep him away from my daughter.  
Eloise:  Daddy!  
Rev Barrow:  You keep him away, you keep him away.  I won't be responsible. 
Welsh:  Let it go detective.  
Ray:  You Ok?  
Francesca:  Fraser, is he all right? You know she is such a nice kid I feel really sorry for her.  
Fraser:  Why?  
Francesca:  She never goes out, she's never been to school, her parents keep her locked up in that church all the time. What kind of life is that for a kid? I mean really, what kind of parents would do that?  
[Fraser twitches] 
**Refreshment Room** 
[Davie is smashing stuff] 
Ray:  You finished? Are you done? Look I'm trying to help.  Here's the deal of the thing. She's 17, her parents don't want you hanging around, so you got to stay away from the girl.  
Davie:  I can't man.  
Ray:  Look, I know what it's like to be in love and lose the girl. You think your life is over but it isn't.  
Davie:  How would you know?  
Ray:  'Cause it happened to me.  
Davie:  Well, what did you do? 
Ray:  What this, and that, and then I got err- 
Davie:  What?  
Ray:  I got married.  
Davie:  See, you didn't lose the girl man.  
Ray:  Yeah, but eventually I got divorced.  
Davie:  So what, you get over it?  
Ray:  Look, the point is..  
Davie:  Argh! 
Ray:  Look, you keep hanging around there she's going to press charges. Look, I pulled your file. Drug possession, breaking and entering, shoplifting. 
Davie:  I was 12 years old  
Ray:  That doesn't matter.  Mr. and Mrs. Reverent file a complaint, you go down.  
**Frannie's desk**  
Francesca:  They started in Georgia.  
Fraser:  And at the age of 7 she apparently cured a deaf woman.  
Francesca:  Yeah and after that the Reverend's church they really took off. Went from a traveling tent show to a huge radio ministry in 5 years. Now they're looking at TV.  
Fraser:  Isn't that very expensive?  
Francesca:  Yeah but when you've got millions of people milking you money every week. You think she's for real Fraser?  
Fraser:  A number of people seem to believe she is.  
Ray:  It doesn't matter Fraser, let's go.  
Fraser:  Where are we gong Ray?  
Ray:  Follow the kid.  
Francesca:  Why, he didn't do anything.  
Ray:  Preventative policing. He's going to see the girl, we're going to stop him.  
Francesca:  Preventative policing.  Can you do that?  
Fraser:  It might be a violation of his rights, Ray.  
Ray:  To hell with his rights, he's going to do something stupid.  No one has the right to do something stupid; well except. [Points at Frannie]  
Fraser:  He doesn't mean that Francesca.  
Ray:  Any time, Fraser.  
**Outside the Unfettered Church of the Holy Bible.**  
Ray [about Dief]:  He's not coming is he?  
Fraser:  Well, it's after hours Ray.  
**Inside the church** 
[Davie is apprehended by Addie -- they fight and Davie draws a knife] 
Davie:  Come on.  Stay back. 
[Scene cuts and we see Addie lying dead. Fraser and Ray appear on the scene.] 
Mrs. Barrow:  Oh no  
Rev Barrow:  He killed Addie.  
Eloise:  No No No!  
Rev Barrow:  The boy killed him.  
***  
Ray [on cell phone]:  Davidson Abalard, yeah he's got a record. Um, put out a picture and an APB. No not much doubt, the murder weapon. 
Rev Barrow:  He came in the door and I don't know what was on his mind.  Maybe he wanted to kill us.  
Mrs. Barrow:  I just can't believe it. I mean Addie has been with us from the very beginning. He is as much a part of the ministry as any of us.  
Fraser:  You said there was a fight?  
Mrs. Barrow:  Yes, that boy was lurking in the door way and then Addie grabbed him and they came into the room fighting. And that boy stabbed him and ran. Addie was a good man.  
Fraser:  Excuse me, what is that?  
Forensic Examiner:  Newspaper clipping dead guy had it in his wallet.  It's a funeral notice from Arkansas. Probably his parents or something.  
Fraser:  Thank you kindly. Oh I'm terribly sorry, but I believe he recognizes you from outside the theatre.  
Sandy:  Oh I don't think so.  
Fraser:  Errr, yes I believe you were carrying a walkie talkie.  You were following Eloise.  
Sandy:  Yeah I look out for her.  
Fraser:  I see.  Along with this gentleman? 
Sandy:  Yeah that's right.  
Fraser:  And are weapons necessary in your line of work?  
Sandy:  She's very important to the church and it's our job to protect her. We're licensed and registered.  
Fraser:  I see.  Will you excuse me?  
Ray:  Hang on a sec, I got to ask you a couple of questions.  
**Eloise's room**  
Eloise:  Come in.  
Fraser:  Are you all right?  
Eloise:  Davie was always so gentle, so nice to me. He just couldn't kill anybody. He couldn't.  
Fraser:  But your parents saw it happen.  
Eloise:  I know but, how could I be so wrong about him? About everything?  
Fraser:  It's difficult to know people, especially if you lack experience.  
Eloise:  It's all my fault.  
Fraser:  No, you can't be expected to predict the future.  
Eloise:  Davie will come back. I know that.  He'll want to see me. He'll get in trouble-- Billy and Sandy  
Fraser:  The men who look after you?  
Eloise:  Ok.  They're like Addie.  
Fraser:  Former criminals.  
Eloise:  Lost sheep. They kinda scare me. I couldn't stand it if Davie got hurt.  
Fraser:  I'll do what I can.. Good day.  
**27th**  
Ray:  Fraser, we can't just sit there and wait for the kid to show up.  
Fraser:  Well she does a point, Ray. He's powerfully drawn to her.  
Ray:  Yeah well, he in love I get that.  
Fraser:  Well I assume you don't want Davie to be hurt?  
Ray:  I don't want anybody to get hurt, but he stuck a knife in somebody, we got to catch him.  
Fraser:  Well when you're hunting Ray, best policy often times is to wait for the game to come to you.  
Ray:  Well that's great but this isn't a criminal drag shoot.  We got to go out and get him.  
Fraser:  Anything on the family?  
Ray:  Yeah his parents are dead. His aunt and uncle haven't seen him in four months and he lives on his own.  
Fraser:  And you got any idea where he might be?  
Ray:  Nope. They didn't seem too close.  
Fraser:  How about where he works?  
Ray:  Works for a shipping company down town. Everyone says he's a loner. Stays to himself. Boss says he's a good employee though, never in trouble.  
Fraser:  Francesca, any known associates?  
Francesca:  Known associate. One Jimmy Lewis. They got arrested together four years ago.  
Ray:  Ok, so we just got to find Lewis shake him down and see what he knows.  
Francesca:  Well he won't be hard to find. He's been in Joliet for the last year.  
Ray:  Hey you know anything about this?  
**Inside the Church**  
Ray:  So how long before the game shows up?  
Fraser:  Hunting requires patience, Ray.  
Ray:  Go Thatcher go!  
Fraser: She does seem to be powerfully drawn to the music, as though it touches something deep within her.  
Ray:  Ummm  
Rev Barrow:  Pray that God's spirit will come down and bless us together. Pray that through his face we will witness a miracle done. Ellen has not walked in 10 years. Her doctors have done everything they can for her but they have failed. Only a miracle can take her out of that wheelchair. Pray for a miracle. Pray for the practical mercy of the Lord God our Father. Pray God will reach out through Eloise and touch this poor troubled woman. Get up Ellen!  Get up and Walk!  Praise the Lord!  Let us give thanks to God for the miracle that we have seen today. I do believe. You do believe. We all believe. We believe in miracles, we believe in miracles.  
**The office**  
Fraser:  Hi. It was very inspiring.  And these are all of you?  [points at photos on wall]  
Eloise:  Mommy and Daddy got more pictures of me than you can shake a stick at.  
Ray:  No baby pictures though. My Mom had pictures of me when I was a week old.  I hate that.  
Fraser:  When did you perform your first miracle?  
Eloise:  When I was five I saw God.  
Fraser: You saw God?  
Eloise:  He came to me in a fire.  
Fraser:  It must have been very exciting. The miracle you performed today; the woman she didn't seem to walk very far.  
Eloise:  Yeah and she was real excited.  Maybe she can even walk a little.  Probably doesn't usually, but what with all the fuss and wanting to be cured and all.  
Fraser: So she may have been able to take a few steps.  
Ray:  It was a fake.  
Eloise:  Or maybe there was no way she could've gotten out of that chair. No way she could even move her legs - that is was a real miracle.  
Fraser:  Is that what you believe?  
Eloise:  When I was five I touched a blind woman and she regained her sight. That's true. They've always told me that. I've made deaf people hear. I've stopped cancers from growing. I've done that but I don't know why it happens, or when it's going to happen and it sure doesn't happen once a day and twice on Sundays.  
Fraser:  So some of the miracles aren't quite so miraculous.  
Eloise:  Do you know much about Babe Ruth?  
Fraser:  The chocolate bar?  
Eloise:  No the baseball player.  
Fraser:  Oh.  
Eloise:  He only hit 59 home runs in a 162 game season. That's not even one home run every 2 games. You think I can do better than that? You think miracles are easier than home runs? Daddy says we have to do it to keep the ministry going.  
Ray:  To keep the cash flow going.  
Rev Barrow:  To keep the faith alive. Money's a means to an end to make my daughter's gift available to the world. Eloise, go to your room.  
Eloise:  Yes Sir.  
Rev Barrow:  Don't cast your doubts on her mind. You have no idea of the damage you could do.  
Fraser:  With respect Sir, I think the doubts are already there.  
Rev Barrow:  Do you have any idea what a delicate thing her gift is?  
Ray:  The gift of making money?  
Rev Barrow:  If you choose not to believe I can't help you but we bring miracles to people who need 'em.  The world needs that.  
Ray:  Is that guy for real? 
Fraser:  Interesting to find out.  
**Eloise's room.**  
[Davie is climbing in through the window] 
Eloise:  Davie.  
**Outside the church**  
Fraser [on cell phone]:  Thank you kindly, Francesca and err, anything else you find out would be greatly appreciated.  
Ray:  Now what? with the hunting?  
Fraser:  I think perhaps a little tracking is in order.  
Ray:  Tracking.  
Fraser:  This is a high top cross trainer with a four cut cross tread.  
Ray:  Uh hu.  
Fraser:  It's a kind of running shoe, the kind Davie was wearing.  
Ray:  While he was here last night.  
Fraser:  True enough, but this track wasn't here when we went into the church I would have noticed it.  
Ray:  You would have noticed it.  There are thousands of tracks here.  
Fraser:  It's a very distinctive tread.  
Ray:  Can you tell what he had for breakfast?  
Fraser:  No in order to do that I'd have to pick through his stool.  
Ray: That's disgusting Fraser.  
**Eloise's room Sandy comes in**  
Eloise:  Davie, Davie Run!  
**Big chase which ends in Davie being hit by a car... he is injured badly.**  
Eloise:  DAVIE.  
Rev Barrow:  Eloise come on....(tries to drag her away)  
Eloise:  I'm going with him.  
Rev Barrow:  No, I forbid it.  
Eloise:  I'm going, maybe I can help him.  
Rev Barrow:  He's a murderer, Eloise.  
Eloise He's innocent, I know it.  
Rev Barrow:  You know nothing. Nothing about life, nothing about the world, nothing about that boy.  Leave him be.  
Eloise:  He's innocent, he's a lost sheep. I know about those.  
Fraser:  He can't hurt her now, and she may be able to help.  
Rev Barrow:  Then I'll go, too.  
Eloise:  No you've done enough.  
Thatcher:  Maybe it would be better if you gave her some time alone.  I'll go along with her, Reverend.  
Rev Barrow:  Would you my dear, make sure she comes to no harm.  
**Hospital** 
Ray:  [on cell phone]  Yeah, Frannie get a hold of the aunt and uncle.  They're not coming but they wouldn't mind if we were to call and let them know how he was doing.  [to Fraser]   Err how is he doing?  Doctor said he's going to come out and tell us.  
Fraser:  You know Ray, surgery does take time.  
Eloise:  I've been praying to God but he won't answer me.  
Fraser:  You know it has been said that God does answer prayers, he answers each and every one. It's just that often times the answer is no.  
Eloise:  Well he's never said no to me.  He always came through in a fire. He can't let Davie die.  
Fraser:  Davie's a strong boy Eloise.  You said that Davie was innocent.  
Eloise:  He didn't stab Addie. They were fighting for the knife, he dropped it and he ran.  
Fraser:  And you know this because?  
Eloise:  He told me.  
Fraser:  I see.  
Eloise:  No you don't. You think he lied but he didn't.  He would never lie to me.  
Fraser:  Ray, there are a couple of things I should look into.  
Ray:  I'll be here. I'll let you know his progress.  
Fraser:  Good. (to Dief) You stay here.  
**27th precinct**  
Francesca:  Ok I got everything starting from the big miracle at age seven.  
Fraser:  Eloise said that the first miracle occurred when she was five.  
Francesca:  Well who remembers what happened when they were five. I don't even remember what happened when I was 17. Well except for one thing but anyway...  
Fraser:  Well it was a miracle Francesca.  
Francesca:  Yes it was! Oh well ok, but hers couldn't have been much of a miracle because they didn't report it, and they report everything down south. Miracles being top of the list and fires being the number two attraction. This is the obituary the dead guy was carrying. The young couple died in a house fire.  
Fraser:  The fire occurred when Eloise was five.  Hummm.  
Francesca:  What is it Frase?  
Fraser:  Just looking for a miracle Francesca.  
**The Church**  
Fraser:  A miracle occurred in Mechinlie Arkansas 1984.  
Mrs. Barrow:  I don't know what you're talking about.  
Fraser:  Oh I think you do. A five year old girl cured a blind woman.  
Mrs. Barrow:  I don't have to listen to you. 
Fraser:  You know, your story and your husband's differ slightly over Addie's death. Now at first I put that down to confusion arising from shock, but I think you and I both know it was something else.  
**Hospital**  
Doctor:  Detective Vecchio.  
Ray:  How's he doing?  
Doctor:  He survived the surgery.  Frankly that was a miracle considering all the blood he lost.  
Ray:  So he's going to be ok?  
Doctor:  It's a little early to say.  
Eloise:  Can I see him?  
Doctor:  Are you his relative?  
Ray:  Yeah she's err his sister.  Adopted sister.  
Doctor:  All right, we'll have him in a room shortly.  
Eloise:  Thank you.  
Ray:  Are you going to be ok?  
Eloise:  Yes.  [about Dief]  Can he stay?  
Ray:  Yeah but you're going to have to sneak him in on your own 'cause I don't think he'll pass as a relative.   [phone rings] Vecchio  
Fraser:  I assume I have the basic parameters correct? [on phone] Yes Ray. Mrs. Barrow is prepared to make a full statement. Bye.  
Mrs. Barrow:  They were just ignorant trash.  They'd have squandered that beautiful jewel that they were given by god.  
Fraser:  I see.  
Sandy [into walkie talkie]:  Elliot, Elliot I'm at the quarters. get everything over here quick.  
Fraser:  Perhaps we should go. [Sandy pulls a gun on them] Oh dear.  I imagine you've thought this through clearly?  
Sandy:  Yeah I believe I have.  
Mrs. Barrow:  Sandy, it's too late for this.  
Sandy:  Shut up.  
Fraser:  You know sir, at the moment it doesn't appear that you've involved in any serious criminal activity.  Perhaps it would be wiser to keep it that way.  
Sandy:  It seems to me that Addie was on a pretty serious gravy train.  Now I see I can get a piece of that.  
Fraser:  By eliminating me?  
Sandy:  That's good thinking.  
Fraser:  I see you have thought this through clearly.  
Sandy:  Get him, get him!  
**In the chapel**  
Rev Barrow:  Listen to the voices of God in song! Listen to the love in their voices.  
Thatcher: [singing]  All God's children hear the words, hear the words of brother Fraser!  
Chorus: 
Stand up, stand up hear the words  
Hear the words, hear the words.  
Bob:  What are you doing?  
Ray:  I'm not really sure.  
Bob:  Tell them a story son, you know how to do that.  
Fraser [taking microphone]:  May I? Ladies and Gentlemen, Brother Albert.  I'd like to tell you a simple story, well not a simple story, it's a story about sin.  
Bob:  Sin is good, my son!  
Fraser:  The sin of greed.  If there are any among you that think that the sin of greed is something over looked by the heavens above you are wrong.  They see everything and overlook nothing.  
Thatcher [singing]:  Not one little bit, not one, not one, not one, no every single grain of mustard he see.... He's been watching you and all your scheming ways.  
Ray [disarms Sandy, handcuffs him, sets hymnal in front of him]:  Now repent.  
Fraser:  And this story is one that Brother Albert knows well. It's the story of Eloise. The young girl whose performed miracles in this hall of God. No brother Albert, please stay with me, you can help me tell this story. As you know there was once an **** preacher out of Arkansas. A man who was small in faith bit great in his greed. So great in his greed that he stole from his God.  
Thatcher [singing]:  Not one little bit, Not one little bit not one...  
Fraser:  One day he met a five year old girl named Marcy Davenport who could make the blind see, and this man realised he could exploit her gift, that he could profit from it. So he did the unthinkable. He stole her. He stole the miracle girl and he set a fire that killed both her parents.  
Rev Barrow:  That is a patent untruth. That man is lying. Disgusting lies dressed in a crimson vest.  
Fraser:  It's a tunic actually.  There was a witness to his dark deed. A blackmailer, who bled the man dry even as the young girl made him rich. And then one day he saw his chance. The blackmailer was struggling with an innocent young boy, and so this false man of God rose up and slew the blackmailer. Now we all know who this man is, we all know what he has done. The law can only punish him for his crimes but a higher power will punish him for his sins.  
Thatcher:  There's nowhere to hide Reverend.  [knocks him out with a blow to the head] 
Choir sings:  Gonna burn, you're going to burn, Burn in hell for eternity.  
**Hospital**  
Doctor:  He's really made a miraculous recovery.  
Ray:  Really, you mean like a real miracle?  You're not just saying that like you make a miracle reception?  
Doctor:  What I mean is I'm his doctor and I don't know why he's still alive.  
Ray:  And that's pretty strange?  
Doctor:  Well I don't know about that, I'm not sure why most of my patients survive.  
Fraser [to Ray]:  Medical Humor.  
Ray:  Ah ah yeah...  
[Eloise and Davie kiss.]  
Doctor:  Guys, they seem to have quite an unusual brother and sister relationship.  Perhaps you could try and get them some help.  
Fraser:  Yes Doctor, we will.  Thank you kindly.  
Ray:  So is she for real with this, errr, miracle thing?  
Fraser:  She believes she is. The events of her past? Hard to say.  
Ray:  What about him? Did she save him?  
Fraser:  Possibly.  He might have recovered anyway, but she did give him a reason to live, and that's important.  
Ray:  Young love! Cute. It won't last.  
Fraser:  It might.  
Ray:  Never.  
Fraser:  It's possible  
Ray:  No.  
Fraser:  Occasionally.  
Ray:  Not on my planet.  
Fraser:  Dief believes it will. 

End of Say Amen
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Hunting Season

**Outside of a bar. Horses hitched outside.** 
"The Northwest Territories"  
[Person in a heavy parka that shields their identity walks to the window and looks in before going inside. Piano playing. Men look up from their beer and conversation as the stranger walks over to table where 2 men are playing cards. Everyone steers clear of the stranger.]  
Eddie: You've been dogging us for months. We've told you all we know.  
Man 2: You're insane, you know that?  
Eddie: We already said all we got to say.  
Man 2: Now get the hell out of here, we want to drink in peace.  
Eddie: Yeah!  
Man 2: You haven't got many friends here. Clear out.  
[stands up, stranger pulls his arm back behind his back and drops him to the floor then takes out the 2nd guy. Bartender pulls out a shotgun.]  
Stranger: You think you could? You think you could shoot a woman? [drops hood, revealing Maggie McKenzie]  
Bartender: I've done worse.  
Maggie: You might hesitate.  
Bartender: Possible.  
Maggie: That might be something to consider [pulls gun on bartender]  
Bartender: Uh... I, I never cared too much for those boys anyway  
Background: Just like him...  
Maggie: And it seems like you don't have many friends here either. Now you're going to tell me what happened [aims gun at men]  
Man 2: You wouldn't shoot us.  
Maggie: Wouldn't I?  
Man 1: She would, you know she would! We don't know nothin'! We didn't see nothin'.  
Maggie: Give it up, Eddie.  
Man 1: Swear to God, I swear to God, we weren't there! What, what we said to the Mounties, th-that was what the Torelli's told us to say! Oh, please...  
[Maggie cocks gun, Eddie suddenly looks closer]  
Eddie: Hey, that's not loaded.  
Maggie: I was afraid of what might happen if it was.  
[Maggie pulls trigger and Eddie cowers against his friend]  
Eddie: No! Oh, please mommy, no! Ah!  
Maggie: Thank you very kindly for your help, boys.  
[Maggie turns and leaves]  
Man at another table: Like to see more of that.  
[Maggie stands out on a runway as a plane lands and taxis towards her. She walks up to it]  
Jake: I got nothing of value on board here.  
Maggie: Relax, Jake, I just want a ride.  
Jake: Yeah, where to?  
Maggie: Across the border.  
Jake: Why's that?  
Maggie: I don't want to answer a lot of questions, I just want to go. Will you take me?  
Jake: Maggie, I got a quarter ton of head cheese piled up in the hold here, I can't...  
[Maggie pulls back jacket revealing gun]  
Jake: But of course you know what they say about head cheese, it's real durable...  
[Jake starts to take off again]  
Jake: You, uh, you never been away from home, have you? So, why now?  
Maggie: I'm going hunting.  
Jake: Hunting?  
**Consulate** 
[Fraser is hanging from chandelier at the consulate, standing on the railing changing a light bulb when Maggie walks in. Fraser starts to fall and lands in a roll. Maggie gasps as Fraser jumps to his feet, light bulb still in his mouth]  
Maggie: Hi  
Fraser: mumbling [pulls light bulb out of mouth] Hi, uh, ahem. I'm a constable. Uh, well, obviously you are also a constable... my name is, uh...my Constable name is Constable Benton Fraser.  
Maggie: I'm constable Maggie McKenzie from Inuvik.  
Fraser: McKenzie...uh, the name is familiar.  
Maggie: Uh, well my mother and your father were friends. I certainly know your name, you're infamous in the north.  
Fraser: Oh, yes, well... um, so what is it that brings you to Chicago, business or pleasure?  
Maggie: Neither. I'm on the trail of two men, I thought you could help me.  
Fraser: Ah.  
[Fraser and Maggie in Fraser's office looking at a picture]  
Maggie: These two men are killers. The Torelli brothers. I heard they were in Chicago and had some time off. Thought I'd come down and try to find them.  
Fraser: Somewhat unusual, isn't it, pursuing something like this on your own?  
Maggie: The, the third man, the victim, was a hunting guide. He's, uh...he was one of the most decent, gentle men I've ever known. Sometimes a crime is just so bad you can't let it go. You ever feel that way?  
Fraser: Ah, frequently. It's just that if these two men are murder suspects, it may be more prudent to pursue this through official channels.  
Maggie: Officially they had an alibi, but I know if I find them I can prove they did it.  
Fraser: I see. Uh, you see in my position, I, uh...  
Maggie: I understand, I understand, you have no reason to get involved. Everything I've heard about you, I thought you might be able to help me. Thank you kindly anyway, constable.  
Father: Don't let her go, son.  
Fraser: It's none of your business  
Maggie: I guess I feel it is.  
Fraser: Oh no, no. I didn't mean you  
Robert: She looks just like her mother. God, it takes me back, I feel like a kid again. Well, 50.  
Maggie: Is there someone else here?  
Fraser: In this room you mean? No, no.  
Maggie: I thought I heard someone.  
Fraser: No.  
Robert: Wonderful woman, Ellen. Many's the night I sheltered in her cabin. Long after your mother was gone, son.  
Fraser: I have a friend-here, have your bag-I have a friend in the Chicago police department. He, well, he might be able to help.  
**The 2-7** 
[Maggie, Fraser, and Ray walking down the station's hallway]  
Ray: Sure, I mean anything, anything at all. I mean, Fraser, we have always been here to cooperate with the Mounties, is that not right?  
Fraser: Yes, Ray, we have always had a very good working relationship.  
Ray: That's the thing, relationship, I mean you gotta know the person you're working with. You know, like, go out for a beer and drinks...I mean later, naturally, after we find the stuff for you.  
Maggie: Right.  
[Dief yips, growls, mumbles]  
Ray: (whispering) Fraser, what's with the wolf?  
Fraser: I think he feels unnaturally protective of Constable McKenzie.  
Ray: He's not the only one.  
Ray: Have you got a picture of these guys?  
Maggie: Yes.  
Ray: You know the funny thing? I have never met a Mountie girl before.  
Fraser: What about Inspector Thatcher?  
Ray: What about her? Oh, yeah... Um...  
[Ray goes over to Frannie's computer and starts hitting keys]  
Frannie: Hey, hey! Mitts off the hardware!  
Ray: Uh, Francesca, meet constable McKenzie.  
Frannie: Hi  
Maggie: Hi  
Ray: Trying to get some info on a couple of guys.  
Maggie: Mike and Mark Torelli. They're brothers.  
Frannie: Uh, are you and Frase friends from up north and everything?  
Maggie: We just met today  
Frannie: Oh, really? 'Cause you look closer than that. Ahem. Um, how long you been a Mountie?  
Maggie: Five years.  
Frannie: Oh. I'm on the waiting list for the academy.  
Maggie: Congratulations.  
Frannie: Thanks. Yeah, the uniforms are nice because, you know, they're black and that's always slimming and elegant. Whereas your uniforms are...kind of make a statement, you know?  
Maggie: Yeah, they're an attention getter, all right. Whether you want them to be or not.  
Frannie: Kind of like when you're having a bad hair day.  
Maggie: Or trying to sneak past a cougar, standing between you and some drinking water.  
[Fraser chuckles]  
Frannie: Yeah, yeah...yeah, I hate that.  
Ray: Wow, I just came out of my coma. Uh, can you do a little work, Francesca?  
[to Maggie] So do you think you're going to be transferred down here to the windy city of Chicago?  
Maggie: No, no, I wouldn't last a week in the city. In fact I'm finding it kind of hard to breathe right here, right now.  
[Maggie looks at Ray and Fraser crowding her on either side.]  
Frannie: Well that's probably because you don't have enough air. Why don't you guys give her some air. [waving them away] Some air!  
Fraser: Oh.  
[Fraser and Ray move away, Maggie and Frannie take a look at the computer]  
Frannie: Hmm, what a couple of cretins here. Done time for assault, armed robbery. Five years ago you would have found Mark in Joliet and Mike in Sing Sing, but there's nothing current.  
Maggie: What about an address?  
Frannie: Well, according to this, they live in Green Bay.  
Maggie: Green Bay? Damn.  
Ray: I've got an idea that might be good and, uh, uh, interesting. Why don't you look up  
known associates in Chicago?  
Frannie: Yes, that is good, Ray, and it's already done. Tommy Ellis was a cellmate's of Mark's and he's living in a rooming house in Sherman.  
Ray: OK, let's go rattle his chain.  
Fraser: Well, uh, Ray, there's really no reason for you to trouble yourself.  
Ray: Fraser, it's no trouble. In fact, it's my duty.  
Fraser: Yes, yes, but, uh, well this is unofficial and I'm sure you've got cases.  
Frannie: No, no. Uh, he's got nothing-he's free!  
Ray: Uh, my thoughts exactly.  
Fraser: Well, uh, shall we?  
Maggie: Thank you kindly.  
[Fraser and Ray get stuck in the door trying to get out at the same time]  
Ray: So, uh, Yukon Territories-so what do you do up there at night to keep warm?  
Fraser: You know, Ray, it's the Northwest Territory or the Yukon. I kind of thought you might have that straightened around in your brain by now.  
Robert: That's it, son, she could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't let the yank cut in.  
Fraser: Do you mind?  
Ray: Mind? Look, Fraser, I'm kind of a big picture kind of guy, ok?  
Fraser: That is the big picture, Ray.  
[Maggie wanders off to talk to a homeless lady in the parking lot]  
Robert: You could do worse. The two of you could get some land, put up a cabin. There's nothing like four walls to make a man feel trapped...er, happy and content.  
Ray: What's she doing talking to old Rosy? That some kind of Canadian thing?  
Fraser: Well, I'm sure she's not doing any harm.  
Maggie: Know what? I'm going to come back later and show you how it's done. [walks back over to Fraser and Ray]  
Ray: You didn't give her any money, did you?  
Maggie: No.  
Ray: That's good. Look, I mean I'm a charitable guy and all, it's just that you know, Rosy, I mean you give her stuff and it just encourages her. And, uh, she goes around start asking people and, uh, some of them get annoyed and eventually we have to ask her to leave.  
[Ray opens car door for Fraser and then leans on the door, trapping Fraser inside while Ray's outside talking to Maggie. Fraser tries to open the door repeatedly, but Ray is blocking him in.]  
Maggie: No, I just gave her advice.  
Ray: Advice?  
[Fraser keeps trying to open door]  
Fraser: Sorry.  
Ray: After you.  
[Ray opens the door to let Maggie in]  
[The hallway outside the apartment of Tommy Ellis. Ray knocks on the door.]  
Ray: Tommy Ellis?  
Ellis: Yeah?  
Ray: Chicago PD.  
Ellis: What's that, the police band? [indicating the two Mounties]  
Fraser: Uh, no sir, my name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and this is...  
Maggie: I've heard that. I've never known if that was true.  
Fraser: Well, I'm afraid it is, yes.  
Maggie: Did you catch them?  
Fraser: I did., yes.  
Maggie: I have to tell you how much I admire that kind of determination.  
Fraser: Oh, thank you. Thank you kindly.  
Ellis: Uh, are you working for, like, uh, Worlds Weirdest Videos?  
Ray: No, uh, they're Canadian.  
Ellis: Oh  
Ray: Look, I got a couple of questions I want to ask you. Do you know those guys?  
Ellis: Yeah, I did some time with Marky.  
Ray: What for?  
Ellis: Driving.  
Fraser: Traffic violations?  
Ellis: Yeah, speeding. Away from a bank job. Wrong place, wrong time. Who's the other guy?  
Maggie: The man they killed.  
Ellis: Wouldn't know about that. I haven't seen them since I got out.  
Maggie: I see.  
[Maggie goes over to Tommy and takes his wrist to check his pulse.]  
Ellis: Look, you have no right to touch me.  
Fraser: I'm sure Constable McKenzie means no harm, Mr. Ellis. Just...relax.  
Ray: Scared, Tommy?  
Ellis: Hell, no. It's just that...  
Maggie: You said you hadn't seen them?  
Ellis: That's right. Not in years.  
[heartbeat]  
Ellis: Look, you know this isn't normal. None of your are normal. You want to take my pulse again, get a warrant.  
[Ellis slams the door shut]  
Ray: I'm normal.  
Fraser: In a pig's eye.  
Maggie: He's lying.  
Ray: No, I'm not. 
Fraser: Very probably.  
Maggie: Most certainly. I'm 99.4% accurate.  
Ray: Accurate?  
Maggie: I know when someone is lying.  
Ray: What would that..  
Fraser: It's not surprising, Ray. I imagine you monitor pulse, galvanic skin response, respiratory rate-much like a polygraph.  
Maggie: Better. Look at the eyes.  
Fraser: Ah.  
Maggie: So much to be learned from the eyes.  
Ray: Hey, hey, eyes, eyes, ...I-I-I...you know...  
Maggie: My mother taught me how to spot a liar. The best question is, what are we going to do about it?  
Ray: Well, seeing this is off the record, we won't be able to get a warrant, But I might be able to pull a file in the morning to see if I can squeeze him on...[checks himself out in the mirror they're passing] on something. So, uh, you hungry?  
Maggie: Uh, I'm actually tired.  
Ray: Oh, OK, well I'll give you a ride back to your hotel.  
Maggie: Don't have a place yet.  
Ray: Oh, hey, I got a lot of room in my place.  
[Fraser knocks Ray's arm off the door, out of his way]  
Fraser: Actually, Ray, I actually think she'd be more comfortable back at the consulate.  
Ray: Who'd want to stay at the consulate, Fraser?  
Fraser: Well, I do.  
Ray: I mean besides you.  
Maggie: That's fine, that's fine. And thank you very much for your offer.  
Fraser: Shall we?  
[Ray pulls his fist back as Fraser and Maggie walk out]  
Fraser: Stop that.  
[Fraser's office where he's pulling down blankets from the closet shelf]  
Fraser: I'll, uh, sleep out in the hallway, you can take the cot.  
Maggie: Oh, no, no, I'll take the hallway.  
Fraser: No, I insist.  
Maggie: I don't want to put you out of your bed. I prefer the floor. You know, back home I like to sleep out whenever I get the chance. So that's... Thank you.  
Robert: Stubborn. Likes sleeping on the ground, just like her mother.  
Maggie: I'm sorry?  
Fraser: Sorry?  
Maggie: I...did, did you say something?  
Fraser: I did? Oh, I did. Uh, up with the sun. Up with the sun, I said.  
Maggie: Up with the sun. Up with the sun. Always.  
Fraser: Right. Night.  
Maggie: Good night.  
Robert: Good hearing, too. She's got everything.  
[Dief whines, trying to go out in the hallway with Maggie.]  
Fraser: Oh, don't be ridiculous. You'd keep her up all night with your snoring.  
[whine]  
[Maggie laying out in the hallway, fingering a ring on a chain around her neck. She gets up and leaves the consulate dressed in street clothes. She walks into an apartment building just as two men in a generic sedan pull up.]  
[The next morning, Fraser is finishing getting dressed. Dief whines.]  
Fraser: Oh, thank you. [smoothes down an eyebrow] Right.  
[walks out of the office]  
Fraser: Maggie? Constable McKenzie?  
[Dief growls]  
Fraser: Where? Oh, it is sticking up, good God.  
[Fraser dips a finger in a glass of water and smoothes out a stray lick of hair just as Maggie walks in.]  
Maggie: Constable Fraser?  
Fraser: Ah, good morning,, Constable McKenzie. I just, uh...I have...um, a head. I mean, I have...my hair...I mean I slept on my head. Well, not on my head, because... You know, in the words of Joe Obodiak, a hat can cover a multitude of sins.  
Maggie: Joe Obodiak, from Eagle Creek?  
Fraser: Why yes, you knew him?  
Maggie: Well, yeah, my mother used to tan a moose hide for him every winter.  
Fraser: Terrific sense of fashion, for a blacksmith. Old Joe.  
Maggie: Yeah.  
Fraser: I see that you're, uh, well, you're out of uniform.  
Maggie: Uh, I didn't think it was appropriate under the circumstances.  
Fraser: Ah, true enough. Well, perhaps would you like to go out for, um, for breakfast?  
Maggie: I usually like to have pemmican.  
Fraser: Oh, I wish, I wish. And you know, you would think in a city of seven million souls one of them would have had the presence of mind to desiccate a little meat, but no.  
Maggie: [holds up bag] I happen to have some.  
Fraser: Pemmican?  
Maggie: Dried it myself last year. I think you'd like some, too [offers some to Dief]  
Fraser: Oh... nothing tastes like that.  
Maggie: You must miss home, eh?  
Fraser: Oh, very much, you? Oh, well of course you...  
Maggie: ...just came from there.  
Fraser: Just came from home.  
[They enter Fraser's office]  
Maggie: I'm sorry, Constable, this must be a real inconvenience for you.  
Fraser: No, no, not in the least. Not an inconvenience at all. [puts blankets back in the closet] And you know, you don't have to call me Constable, Constable, just call me Benton, or Fraser, that's my name. Well, Benton is my name.  
Robert[follows Fraser out of the closet:] You'll never get anywhere like that, son. I know it's not easy, but try to relax and be yourself. In fact, try and relax and be someone else.  
Maggie: Were you...were you just in the closet?  
Robert: She talking to me?  
Fraser: She seems to be talking to you.  
Robert: You can see me?  
Maggie: Yes, of course.  
Fraser: Holy moly.  
Robert: Great Scott.  
Maggie: My God, you look just like Bob Fraser. He looks like your-I mean, I only saw you a couple of times, but I heard about you forever. But I guess you're older, right?  
Robert: Old and dead, it doesn't do a lot for you.  
Maggie: You're dead?  
Robert: Not entirely alive.  
Fraser: Oh, he's quite dead.  
Robert: It's damned odd that she can see me.  
Fraser: Very odd, very odd.  
Maggie: Have you seen my mum?  
Robert: No. I was hoping to run into her, never have.  
Maggie: Pemmican?  
Robert: No.  
Fraser: You know, if I could suggest that we step into your office, dad... Right this way.  
[all three enter Robert's office]  
[Thatcher and Turnbull walking down the stairs]  
Turnbull: Constable Fraser! Whoo hoo!  
Thatcher: Tea, Turnbull, Tea at 4:00. Sir Ellsworth Smythe is arriving from London, England - this afternoon.  
Turnbull Wow, a knight right here in the consulate. How many for tea, sir? Will he be alone or will he accompanied by his squire?  
Thatcher: Get a grip, Turnbull. Elton John's a knight, for God's sake, it's not what it used to be.  
Turnbull: Just the same, sir, I'll wax the round table.  
[Back in Robert's office]  
Maggie: And then she sees the grizzly. She reaches down, grabs me by the hood of the parka, throws me up in the tree-I'm 3. I'm hanging onto this rotten old branch with one hand, she's down on the ground right, right eye to eye with mama bear. It must've had some kind of understanding, because an hour or so later, she just let us be. Not a minute too soon, I couldn't hang on one more second.  
[Turnbull and Thatcher hear a female voice and laughter in Fraser's office]  
Fraser: ...like the time you turned up naked at the Inuvik...  
Turnbull: Uh, uh, perhaps constable Fraser is playing a book on tape and doesn't want to be disturbed.  
Thatcher: Constable Fraser was born disturbed, Turnbull. Now, get out of my way.  
[They rush into Fraser's empty office and listen at the closet door]  
Fraser: ...kind of makes a fellow homesick.  
Robert: Breaks your heart.  
[knocking on door]  
Fraser: Oh dear.  
Robert: Duty calls, son.  
[Thatcher opens the closet door to see Fraser and McKenzie standing in the closet alone, no office in sight]  
Thatcher: Constable Fraser.  
Fraser: Inspector Thatcher. Sorry.  
Thatcher: For?  
Fraser: I'm not sure. This is Constable McKenzie. Inspector Thatcher, Constable Turnbull.  
Maggie: Pleased to meet you. Hi.  
Thatcher: Are you here officially?  
Turnbull: Or unofficially?  
[Thatcher elbows Turnbull]  
Fraser: Constable McKenzie is here on the trail of some suspects, sir.  
Thatcher: In your closet?  
Fraser: At the moment, yes.  
Thatcher: Why wasn't I informed?  
Maggie: It's, uh, a personal matter, ma'am. Constable Fraser is just helping me out.  
Thatcher: Personal. I see. I trust this won't interfere with your duties?  
Fraser: Oh, no sir.  
Thatcher: Good.  
Maggie: Pemmican?  
Thatcher: I couldn't possibly.  
[Turnbull starts to accept, changes his mind as Thatcher refuses. Thatcher turns to go, but Turnbull is in the way. Turnbull finally hops out of the way and waves goodbye as they leave.]  
Maggie: I see why you like her, she...  
Fraser: Inspector Thatcher and I have a purely, a, a... We should get back on the case.  
Maggie: Good idea. I have a lead.  
Fraser: Oh, good. You do?  
Maggie: Yes. Well, we should, we should...  
[both try to exit the closet at once and get stuck]  
Fraser: After you.  
[Back at the station house]  
Ray: You did what?  
Maggie: I went back and talked to Tommy Ellis. He gave me the name of a man the Torellis work with.  
Ray: And, and you think this was wise?  
Maggie: I think he was less intimidated with me alone.  
Ray: Less intimidated-that's your point? I mean, what if he was so unintimidated that he put a bullet in your head and dumped you in the lake?  
Maggie: I can take care of myself.  
Ray: Yeah, sure, but  
Frannie: Hey, here he is! Franco Zefferelli, a couple of convictions for bank robbery.  
Ray: Bank robbery. Hey, all these guys are in the same club. Maybe the Torellis are setting something up. Where do we find him?  
[out in the parking lot, Maggie goes back over to Rosy, who now has a tent and a fire pit]  
Ray: Here we go again.  
Fraser: Well, you know Rosy does seem considerably more comfortable.  
Ray: Yeah, but.... OK, you're right. You got a thing for her?  
Fraser: For Rosy? Oh, for Maggie. It depends on what you mean by 'thing', Ray.  
Ray: OK, well to be honest with you, um, I got some feelings for her.  
Fraser: Then we both have feelings.  
Ray: I knew it, I knew it! A great girl comes along, one that I could really get close to and you're after her like a mad, rabid Canadian dog.  
Fraser: Ray, Maggie and I have a lot in common  
Ray: Yeah, you're both Canadian and you're both kind of odd.  
Fraser: Well, I do feel oddly comfortable with her.  
Ray: Oddly comfortable, that's great. Love Canadian style.  
[they watch Maggie with Rosy]  
Fraser: You know, she might prefer you.  
Ray: Oh yeah, she's not going to go for the good-looking freak that speaks the same language, she's going to go for the Chicago flatfoot with the experimental hair.  
[Maggie rejoins them]  
Ray: Ah, more advice?  
Maggie: Teaching her a little bit about trapping.  
Ray: Trapping? What does she mean by....forget about it.  
Fraser: Shall we?  
[back at the consulate, Turnbull is humming and cleaning the mirror in Thatcher's office. She picks up the phone then changes her mind and hangs up. Turnbull runs over and starts cleaning the phone.]  
Thatcher: What are you doing, Turnbull?  
Turnbull: I assumed the phone was unclean, sir.  
Thatcher: Unclean?  
Turnbull: Well, dirty, yes. I noticed your hesitation...  
Thatcher: My hesitation was due to moral, not physical concerns, Turnbull.  
Turnbull: Oh?  
Thatcher: (whispering) I was considering calling the Territories and checking Constable McKenzie's credentials.  
Turnbull: On the surface, sir, it hardly seems a moral issue.  
Thatcher: Yes, hardly. But the fact is...well, I-I felt...  
Turnbull: A certain resentment towards Constable McKenzie?  
Thatcher: That's very perceptive of you, Turnbull.  
Turnbull: Thank you, sir.  
Thatcher: So naturally, I don't want to feel as though I'm acting on any petty...  
Turnbull Emotions?  
Thatcher: No, of course not! Any petty...pettiness...or something.  
Turnbull: Ah, I understand, sir.  
Thatcher: You do?  
Turnbull: No.  
Thatcher: At any rate, you see my dilemma.  
Turnbull: Might I be so bold, sir, don't make the call, sir-you'll feel better.  
Thatcher: Is that your considered advice, Turnbull?  
Turnbull: Yes, ma'am, it is.  
Thatcher: Thank you.  
Turnbull: Thank you, sir.  
[Turnbull turns to leave, then picks up the phone for Thatcher so she can make the call and leaves]  
[Maggie, Ray, Fraser and Dief pull up at an abandoned building]  
Maggie: He lives here?  
Ray: That's what the computer says. Nobody home.  
Landlord: Hey, you want to rent it?  
Ray: Uh, no, we just want to get inside. [flashes badge]  
Landlord: OK  
[lets them in, Ray goes upstairs, Fraser and Maggie look around on ground floor]  
Landlord: Yeah, he left two weeks ago owing three months rent. Said he was going to open a store, but I never saw any sign of it. He lived upstairs. Flake like that, I should have known he didn't have the balls for retail. Good location, huh? Prime retail space. You know you could...who am I trying to kid? Close the door behind you, would you?  
Fraser: Thank you kindly.  
Ray: There's nothing up there. What do you got?  
[Maggie and Fraser are both tasting mud off the floor]  
Ray: Ah. I was hoping you wouldn't do stuff like that.  
Maggie: Like what?  
Ray: Uh, taste stuff.  
Maggie: Well, it's the only way to know what you've got. Hey.  
Ray: What do you got?  
Fraser: Mud.  
Maggie: Right. Tracked in on the shoes of two different individuals.  
Ray: Well that's great! All we gotta do is find some mud and we got our guys.  
Maggie: It won't be that simple.  
Fraser: Ah, no. There's not just mud, there's concrete mixed in with it.  
[Ray's phone rings]  
Ray: Yeah? When? Right away. We gotta go.  
[Thatcher's office. She's trying to do one-handed push ups. Unsuccessfully. Her phone rings and she falls face-first to the floor.]  
Thatcher: Inspector Thatcher.  
Mulligan: Thatcher, Mulligan here.  
Thatcher: Ah, Inspector Mulligan, you're a tough man to reach.  
Mulligan: We were about 50 miles from a phone by dog sled.  
Thatcher: 50 miles by dog sled? Well, perhaps it wasn't so terribly urgent after all.  
Mulligan: What?!  
Thatcher: At any rate, now that I have you on the line, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about Constable McKenzie.  
Mulligan: Maggie?  
Thatcher: Yes, Maggie.  
Mulligan: Can't tell you much. She has been suspended.  
Thatcher: She what?  
Mulligan: Suspended.  
[Ray, Maggie, Fraser & Dief pull up to Ellis' apartment where the coroners office is removing Ellis' body.]  
Welsh: You talk to this Tommy Ellis yesterday?  
Ray: Yeah, what happened?  
Welsh: He got himself shot last night.  
Ray: Last night?  
Fraser: Constable McKenzie was here last night.  
[Ray's phone rings]  
Ray: Yeah? For you.  
[hands the phone over to Fraser]  
Fraser: Hello? Ah, Inspector... [walks away to have the conversation in private]  
Fraser: I see. Thank you kindly. It would appear that Constable McKenzie's status is something of a question mark.  
[Welsh, Ray and Fraser turn around to talk to Maggie, but she and Dief are gone.]  
[Welsh, Thatcher, Ray and Fraser walking down the hallway at the precinct.]  
Thatcher: Where is she?  
Welsh: That's what we'd like to know. She went to question the guy last night, he turns up dead today. And Constable Fraser's wolf is also missing.  
Thatcher: You know, technically she's not a Constable, she's been suspended.  
Ray: Suspended?  
Thatcher: Well, she's convinced the Torelli brothers killed her husband.  
Fraser: Her husband?  
Welsh: Those guys killed her husband?  
Ray: Hang on, hang on a second, she came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of her husband?  
Thatcher: Exactly.  
Welsh: (to Fraser) You knew about this?  
Fraser: Well, sir, I...  
Thatcher: Well, there's a lot she hasn't been telling us. She's been obsessed with these men, convinced they're the killers, in spite of the fact that they both have air-tight alibis. Her behavior became erratic and her superior officers felt she was becoming a danger to the community so they suspended her.  
Welsh: We led a nutcase right to the guy she wanted to kill?  
Ray: Well, no, not exactly, sir.  
Fraser: We were unable to locate the man she wanted to kill, if indeed she wanted to kill him at all.  
Welsh: So you're too incompetent to lead her to the guy she wanted to kill, so you lead her to some other guy, who she whacked, is that about it?  
Ray: Well, I wouldn't put it like that, sir.  
Welsh: How would you put it?  
Ray: Well, sorta like that.  
Fraser: We don't know that she killed him, sir.  
Welsh: We don't know she didn't. How could this happen, Constable?  
Fraser: She seemed....credible.  
Welsh: You mean because of the uniform?  
Fraser: And who she was.  
Thatcher: In Constable Fraser's defense, she did put up a very convincing front.  
Welsh: You never checked out her story?  
Fraser: No, sir, I'm sorry.  
Thatcher: As commanding officer, I will be taking disciplinary action.  
Ray: Oh, I bet you will.  
Welsh: Vecchio, you go find her, and find her quick-while you still have your shield!  
Ray: Yes, sir.  
[They all leave Welsh's office]  
Thatcher: I'm sorry, Fraser, but you have to learn people can't be trusted.  
Frannie: Hey, I got something. About your case. Don't all thank me at once.  
[Ray grabs the sheet]  
Ray: The victim.  
Fraser: The husband.  
Frannie: The husband? I don't know about that. His name is Casey Richmond, he's an associate of the Torelli brothers. He's another bank robber.  
Ray: A cop married to a bank robber.  
[Ray and Fraser rush out]  
Frannie: You're welcome.  
[Ray and Fraser head to Ray's car]  
Ray: Why can I not read women? I mean, I-I try, but I always get it screwy. And this one I liked.  
Fraser: And you don't like her now?  
Ray: She lied.  
Fraser: Well, possibly.  
Ray: No possibly, Fraser. I mean, she, she, she played us like a couple of them sport fish that are easy... Aw, you're not really going to eat those, are you?  
[Ray and Fraser walk over to Rosy, who is cooking a rat over her fire]  
Rosy: Best looking meat I've seen all year. I mean, you can get pretty good veggies through the dumpster back of Multi-Mart, but the meat...phew, you wouldn't want to know.  
Ray: Yeah, but those are...  
Rosy: Tasty little buggers, so easy to catch you wouldn't believe it. Here, you want to try it?  
Ray: No, thanks.  
[Ray and Fraser leave]  
Fraser: You know, Ray, they're chock-a-block with protein-and actually, the neighborhood could benefit from a little bit of rodent control.  
Ray: You always got to look on the bright side of things, Fraser?  
Fraser: Is that a defect?  
Ray: No, but it's kinda dumb.  
Fraser: Well, possibly.  
Ray: So, are you going to try to protect her?  
Fraser: Who, Rosy?  
Ray: No, Maggie.  
Fraser: Oh, yes, yes, now more than ever.  
Ray: But you don't even know who she is.  
Fraser: But I intend to find out.  
[They pull out of the parking lot]  
[At the consulate, Fraser and Turnbull are poring over articles]  
Fraser: Her father's name is Matt Stern: a sometime geologist and prospector who was killed in a mine collapse in 1969, April.  
Turnbull: The man she married called himself Casey McKenzie.  
Fraser: So, anything to link him to Casey Richmond?  
Turnbull: Nothing, sir.  
Fraser: And she didn't know who he was.  
Turnbull Her mother was a trapper.  
Fraser: Mm-hmm. She raised Maggie alone in the bush.  
Turnbull: Her father?  
Fraser: When he was working, he stayed close to the mine. The rest of the time he was off prospecting.  
Turnbull: Hmm, says here, she gave birth to Maggie alone in her cabin.  
Fraser: She was resourceful. May I...may I have a look at that? Would you please tear that article out?  
Turnbull: Yes, sir.  
[carefully starts ripping article out]  
Fraser: Would you please tear that article out a little more quickly?  
Turnbull: Yes, sir.  
[continues ripping article out but still slowly]  
Fraser: Would you please remove your hands from the article?  
[Turnbull raises his hands and leans back, Fraser leans over and rips the article out]  
Fraser: Thank you kindly.  
Turnbull: Pleasure, sir.  
[Fraser returns to his office and enters the closet. Maggie breaks in through the window.]  
Fraser: Dad?  
[Maggie and Dief enter the office, Maggie starts collecting her belongings. Fraser comes back out of the closet since his father is not there. Walks in on Maggie]  
Maggie: I didn't kill Tommy Ellis. I didn't have any reason to. I didn't kill him.  
Fraser: Then why did you leave the scene of the crime? Is it perhaps because you're under suspension? You know, your husband knew the Torellis, and not just as a hunting guide or a fishing guide. He robbed banks with them.  
Maggie: No, he didn't.  
Fraser: Yes, he did.  
Maggie: No, he didn't.  
Fraser: Yes, he did. He knew them, they had motive. We can find out what actually happened.  
Maggie: Casey didn't know them--he told me he didn't.  
Fraser: He lied.  
Maggie: He didn't know them [slaps Fraser]  
Fraser: His real name is Casey Richmond. In 1987, he and the Torellis robbed the Kittering National Bank in Portland, Maine. Maggie, I'm trying to help you.  
Maggie: I... [leaves Fraser's office, crying]  
[Maggie rushes out of the Consulate past Thatcher]  
Thatcher: Stop her, Constable!  
[Fraser just looks on as Maggie leaves]  
[Thatcher's office. Meg stands in front of Fraser, Turnbull watches on]  
Thatcher: She's one of us but she broke the law. It was your duty to bring her in. You had her and you let her get away.  
Fraser: Yes, sir.  
Thatcher: This would be an appropriate time to offer some sort of explanation, Constable.  
Fraser: There's nothing I can say, sir.  
[Dief barks]  
Thatcher: I'm sorry, Fraser, but you give me no other choice.  
[Thatcher picks up a knife and cuts Fraser's lanyard. Turnbull gasps.]  
Thatcher: Take off that uniform, clear off your desk, bring me your files.  
Fraser: Yes, sir.  
Thatcher: Uh, you can continue to live here, if you like, until you make some other kind of arrangements.  
Fraser: Thank you, sir.  
Turnbull: Constable Fraser! (speaking in French) A street in Paris, my friend.  
Fraser: Thank...thank you, Turnbull.  
[Fraser leaves, Turnbull is almost in tears]  
[Fraser goes back to his office, removes his tunic and Sam Browne. Enters the closet.]  
Robert: Suspended! That woman has been trying since day one to get you out of your uniform.  
Fraser: So now you show up!  
Robert: This is serious business, son. Serious business.  
Fraser: Yes, it is, it is indeed. What do you think I should have done-arrested her?  
Robert: Not unheard of. You are an officer of the law, at least you were.  
Fraser: She was born May 12, 1970.  
Robert: Yes, she's a young woman, and a mighty attractive one at that. But that's no excuse for you not doing your duty. No excuse at all.  
Fraser: Her father was killed April, 1969.  
Robert: Son, son, you, you, you really disappoint me. When a man makes a mistake, there's nothing more important than owning up to it and pay the consequences. Here you are blithering on about dates or something.  
Fraser: Her father died one year before she was born.  
Robert: I'm not good at math.  
Fraser: No, apparently not.  
Robert: What are you saying?  
Fraser: I'm saying I think it's fairly clear Matt Stern is not her father.  
Robert: Ellen always said he was.  
Fraser: Oh, when, when you were warming yourself in her cabin?  
Robert: Yeah.  
Fraser: Yeah!  
Robert: Great Scott.  
Fraser: Great Scott.  
Robert: You're not saying...  
Fraser: I am. Maggie can see you.  
Robert: Well, Buck Frobisher can see me, I'm not his father.  
Fraser: Are you sure?  
Robert: Well, I'm pretty sure. Why didn't Ellen tell me?  
Fraser: Would you have stayed?  
Robert: She used to say she didn't want me to feel tied down.  
Fraser: Well, obviously you didn't.  
Robert: My God. She's my kid. I didn't get to know her.  
Fraser: You didn't get to know me, either.  
Robert: Yeah, but at least I knew you existed. You've got to find her, son.  
Fraser: How?  
Robert: She's a hunter. Find her prey and you'll find her.  
Fraser: That's, that's great, dad, thanks. Once again, that really practical advice...  
[Fraser leaves the office, leaving his father staring into the fire.]  
[Fraser goes back to the station house]  
Ray: Fraser.  
Fraser: Ray.  
Ray: In here.  
[Takes Fraser and Dief into the bathroom and into a stall]  
Ray: Look, Fraser, I don't think this is the best place for you right now.  
Fraser: I've been suspended, Ray.  
Ray: I know, I know.  
Fraser: ...and I am no longer allowed to liaise with you as an official representative of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.  
Ray: I know, 'cause you've been suspended.  
Fraser: Exactly my point, Ray.  
[toilet flushes in the next stall over and Welsh pops his head over the divider to join the conversation]  
Welsh: What he's trying to say, Detective, is that technically, as a private citizen, he's free to come in here and liaise his head off.  
Fraser: Ah, yes sir, technically.  
Welsh: Good thinking.  
Fraser: Thank you, sir.  
[Welsh leaves]  
Ray: You got something?  
Fraser: Mud.  
Ray: Again?  
Fraser: Well, we know the two of them were walking in it, and we know it was mixed with concrete.  
Ray: It was?  
Fraser: Oh, yes, you see concrete has a very distinctive taste.  
Ray: Oh yeah.  
[they leave the stall]  
Fraser: And that suggests a construction site.  
Ray: There's a lot of construction sites in Chicago, Fraser.  
Fraser: Well, yes, Ray, but this one is probably located next to a bank.  
Ray: Which they were staking out.  
Fraser: Right, and they got the mud on their shoes while they were checking out the bank.  
Ray: So we've got to find a construction site that's near a bank.  
Fraser: Yes, one in which the concrete has only recently been poured.  
Ray: Otherwise it wouldn't have been upon their shoes.  
Fraser: Yes, that's right.  
Ray: Frannie, cement mixers. Find the construction sites that just poured cement in the last two days, ones that are near a bank.  
Frannie: Right now?  
Ray: Yeah.  
[Frannie feeds Dief a snack and starts checking the computer]  
[Ray and Fraser in the GTO, headed to the site]  
Ray: How's she going to find this place? I mean we got computers and stuff, what has she got?  
Fraser: She's got intelligence, imagination, all the same information we have, and in addition she's determined.  
[Maggie walking the streets. Music: "Song for a Winter's Night" by Sarah McLachlan]  
Ray: You guys really connected, didn't you?  
Fraser: Yes, we did. In more ways than you think.  
Ray: Well look, you can spare me the details.  
Fraser: Ray, over.  
[they watch two men entering a bank with guns]  
Fraser: The Torellis. Let's go.  
[They walk towards the bank, passing the getaway car. Ray pulls his gun and rushes over to the driver.]  
Ray: Hands on the wheel! Put your hands on the wheel.  
[Inside the bank, the gunmen walk in and pull their guns.]  
Torelli #1: Everybody down on the ground. Now! Everybody down, nobody move!  
[Maggie stands at the teller's window, back to the gunmen]  
Torelli #2: What are you, deaf, lady? I said 'down'!  
[Maggie turns]  
Torelli #2: You.  
Maggie: You didn't really think that I'd give up, did you?  
Torelli #1: Shoot her!  
Torelli #2: She's got a gun.  
Torelli #1: So do you.  
Maggie: You think you could kill a woman?  
Torelli #1: Shoot her!  
Torelli #2: I think I could kill you.  
Maggie: Like you killed my husband.  
Torelli #2: No, you killed him. We were going to cut him in on a job, but he was going to turn us in. Because of you, because he was married to a cop. You killed him.  
[Fraser rushes Torelli #1 and takes his gun, knocks the gun out of his brother's hand]  
Ray: Chicago PD, drop the weapon.  
[Both Torellis are unarmed, Maggie takes aim at Torelli #2]  
Fraser: Perhaps you should lower your weapon also, Maggie.  
Maggie: What do you think they'd get for what they did? 25 to life? Parole in 10, maybe 12?  
Torelli #1: She's gonna shoot me.  
Fraser: Maggie, don't do this. Don't throw your life away.  
Maggie: Haven't you ever wanted justice?  
Fraser: Many times.  
Maggie: Did you ever care what happened to you?  
Fraser: Not once.  
Maggie: Then we're the same.  
Fraser: Yes, we are the same. We're cut from the same cloth, you and I. I'm your brother.  
Maggie: You're what?  
Robert: It's a shock, I know. And it's probably 28 years too late to be dispensing advice...but you better let the law handle this.  
Maggie: My brother...if he's my brother, then...  
Torelli #2: Who are you talking to?  
Fraser: It's none of your beeswax, Nosy Parker. I don't want to have to visit you in prison.  
Maggie: I just want him to say it.  
Robert: Maggie.  
Maggie: Say it!  
Torelli #2: All right, all right, I pulled the trigger, I killed your husband.  
Fraser: Now you don't have to shoot him.  
Maggie: I never intended to shoot him, I just wanted a confession.  
Robert: That's encouraging.  
Maggie: It's not even loaded.  
[Maggie flips open the cylinder showing no bullets.]  
Maggie: Thank you kindly for your help.  
[Maggie walks away]  
Ray: Butt plate, on the ground. On the ground, down! 
Fraser: That was, ah...  
Ray: Fraser. I know they do things differently in Canada, but it's sorta frowned upon down here to, ah, you know, crush your sister's smokes.  
Fraser: She's a non-smoker, Ray.  
[Fraser walks back over to Maggie, who is looking at their father. Fraser punches her on the shoulder, the three of them grin.]  
[Maggie and Ray walk out of the station house and into the parking lot]  
Ray: So, I guess you'll be back for the Torelli trial, I'll see you then.  
Maggie: Aren't forensics enough?  
Ray: Ah, no, need motive. They overheard you talking to him and then he got whacked, so, uh...  
Maggie: Right.  
Ray: Besides, I owe you dinner.  
Maggie: That's true, you do. I want to take them to Canada, try them there.  
Ray: Uh, we got 'em first.  
[Maggie sees Rosy heading out of the parking lot with all of her belongings on a travois]  
Maggie: Hey, Rosy, where you going?  
Rosy: Oh, heading east, trapping's better by the lake. Hey, thanks!  
Maggie: Any time.  
[Fraser turns back from giving directions to Maggie's taxi driver]  
Fraser: Maggie.  
Ray: You know, I think I stood a better chance before you were his sister.  
[Maggie laughs]  
Ray: Fraser, stop. Turn around.  
[Ray kisses Maggie while Fraser's back is turned. Fraser turns back around]  
Maggie: Turn around again.  
[Maggie kisses Ray again]  
Fraser: Are you done?  
Maggie: Bye.  
[Maggie walks to her taxi with Fraser]  
Maggie: So, if I need help tarring the roof of my trailer, will you come?  
Fraser: Yes.  
Maggie: What if my generator breaks down in the middle of the night and I'm cold and lonely, can I call you?  
Fraser: Yes.  
Maggie: What if I need advice on some unsolvable case or elusive criminal?  
Fraser: Call me. And you know, if you need some advice, uh, say, about a relationship, or things of a female nature...  
Maggie: Really?  
Fraser: ...don't call me.  
Maggie: Benton Fraser, I look forward to having you as a brother.  
[Maggie gives Fraser a big hug]  
Fraser: Likewise.  
Maggie: Thank you.  
[Maggie leans down to pet Dief]  
Maggie: And you, goodbye, you. Tell dad I'll be looking out for him.  
Fraser: I will. Be good.  
Maggie: I'll try.  
[Taxi drives off, Dief whines]  
Fraser: I know, I have a family.  
Robert: I was a miserable father twice.  
Fraser: Eh. You did what you could.  
Robert: I never intended to stay away, son. It's just that back home, everywhere I looked, I saw your mother.  
Fraser: I know, dad.

End of Hunting Season
 
 
 
 
 

Call of the Wild

**A frozen lake**  
Fraser:  The first day the frost takes and there's a sheen of ice on the dugout.  
Bob:  Knowing you feel the wind from the north bringing the snow.  
Fraser:  And out on horse back there's a slanting light from the east.  
Bob:  Oh I miss it son, I miss it terribly.  
Fraser:  Yeah, so do I. You all right?  
Bob:  I don't know, you know life is ... is odd enough but death son, Lord God, they don't even give you a road map.