Burning Down the House 

[Canadian wilderness] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Go! 
Man: What is wrong with you? Why don't you just leave this thing alone? 
Fraser: It's not in my nature. 
Man: Get your feet off the bottom. 
Fraser: I don't think you want me to do that. 
Man: Pick your feet up! 
Fraser: As you wish. . . Ready? 
Man: What?. . . Oh, no. . . No, no, no! 
Fraser: Maybe the next time you'll think twice. 
[battalion commander's office] 
Commander: Let me just go over the details and see if I have them in order here. . . You were in pursuit of this individual for over six and a half days over roughly, oh, seventeen hundred kilometers of deep wilderness, in pursuit of an individual you suspected was guilty of . . . ? 
Fraser: Littering, sir. 
Commander: Ah. I was hoping I had read that incorrectly because, you see, in the course of the pursuit of this litterbug you effectively destroyed 3 river boats, 2 light aircraft, 4 ATV and 1 pontoon. 
Fraser: The pontoon was purely accidental, sir. 
Commander: As they so often are, aren't they? Tell me, Constable, was there something in the nature of this man's litter that would justify the destruction of over $733,000 worth of private property? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. Volume. 
Commander: Volume? 
Fraser: And content. 
Commander: What kind of volume and content are we talking about? 
Fraser: Well, at first it seemed to be domestic - a village dumping ground. But there was a telltale odor, sir, one I'm sure that you would recognize. Something like chicken parts. 
Commander: Farts? 
Fraser: Parts. Closer inspection revealed it to be the banned chemical known as DES, or. . . They were bringing the drums in on cruise ships through the deep port at Skagway and then hauling them over the White Pass with the intent. . . The local inhabitants, in an expression of their deep appreciation of the RCMP, recommended that you, sir, be bestowed with the title of Honorary Tribal Elder. 
[knock] 
Constable: Constable Fraser, there's a call for you from Chicago. 
[telephone pole] 
Fraser: Hello, Ray? 
Vecchio: Hey, Benny, how's the vacation going? 
Fraser: It's everything a Mountie could ask for, Ray. Lots of fresh air, plenty of exercise. How are things in Chicago? 
Vecchio: Well, you know, Benny. Chicago's Chicago. Listen, I'm just calling to let you know that I may not be there at the train to pick you up. 
Fraser: Well that's no hardship, Ray. I have legs. I can walk. 
Vecchio: I know you have legs, Benny. That's not the point. I'm just calling to let you know that you may be on your own for a while. 
Fraser: Is something wrong? 
Vecchio: No. Why would anything be wrong? I'm just calling to let you know that I'd like to be there to pick you up but if I can't be there, it's not because I didn't want to be. It's because something came up. 
Fraser: You're sure everything's all right? 
Vecchio: Look, Benny, I don't know if they have a similar thing up there in Canada, but down here in America we have this thing called friendship. And this is something that a friend would do. Like, for example, if one friend calls another friend and he's supposed to meet him at a certain time and a certain place and he can't be there, he usually calls him to let him know. 
Fraser: So everything is all right then. 
Vecchio: Yeah, Benny. Everything is all right. 
Fraser: Well, that's good to hear, Ray. 
Vecchio: It's good to hear your voice. . . Listen, uh, I want you to have a safe trip, and I will be in touch. 
Fraser: All right, Ray. 
Vecchio: You understand that, uh, I will be in touch. 
Fraser: As a friend? 
Vecchio: Yeah, Benny. As a friend. 
[street near Fraser's apartment building] 
Dief:  Whine 
Fraser: Oh, for God's sake, I think I provided ample explanation. Ray was otherwise engaged and taxi policy precludes the transportation of wolves. Come on. Aside from which, we're almost home. At the end of the alley, turn right, cross the street, climb the stairs, and we'll be as snug as bugs. . . in a fire. 
Fraser Senior: It's not an easy thing to lose a home. 
Fraser: No. 
Fraser Senior: Your mother and I had a cabin north of Clyde River. Burned right to the ground. A kerosene error. My fault. Your mother and I slept in an igloo for 4 months while I rebuilt it. The longest time we spent together. 
Fraser: I didn't know that. 
Fraser Senior: Well you weren't born yet, son. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Fraser Senior: In fact, all that time spent in that igloo sort of started the ball rolling, conceptionally speaking. . . But I wouldn't let this get to you. Something good might come of it. It did for me. 
Fraser: You know, Dad, all the years you were alive, and now since you've been dead, you've never talked like this. You never told me. 
Fraser Senior: I didn't tell you about Dirt McGirt? Oh, yeah, I chased that rat for years. He walked right up to the igloo. Didn't think there was a Mountie inside. Easiest arrest I ever made. . . Buck up. 
[station corridor - squad room] 
Dief: Whine. 
Fraser: Dief, shhh. We'll surprise him. . . Ray! 
Huey: What's the matter, Pops? Something died in your throat? 
Old man: Not yet. 
Fraser: Detective Huey, have you seen Detective Vecchio? 
Huey: You mean Ray? 
Fraser: Yes, Ray Vecchio the detective. 
Huey: No. In the lunch room maybe? 
Fraser: Ah. Thank you kindly. Before I forget, I brought you a little something from the Territories. Genuine beluga whalebone. 
Huey: What is it? 
Old man: It's a sextant. 
Huey: What's a sextant? 
Fraser: Well, it's a very handy little device. Let's say, for instance, you were tracking a suspect. You can use this to triangulate your location. 
Old man: Sure, if you find yourself in a vast open territory with no distinguishing landmarks. 
Huey: I can see how this can come in handy in Chicago, Fraser. 
Fraser: I'm glad you like it. 
[lunch room] 
Fraser: Elaine! 
Elaine: Fraser, how was your vacation? 
Fraser: Oh, very relaxing. You haven't seen Detective Vecchio, have you? 
Elaine: Ray Vecchio? 
Fraser: Yes. The detective. 
Elaine: Ah, no, no. I haven't. He's probably at his desk. 
Fraser: Ah, well, allow me to give you this small gift from the Northwest Territories. 
Elaine: Oh, gee, uh, I don't know what to say. 
Fraser: No need to say anything. Just enjoy it. 
[corridor] 
Fraser: Ah, lieutenant. 
Welsh: Constable. You've returned. Upon reflection, I imagine that pleases me. 
Fraser: Well I hope so, sir. You haven't by any chance seen Detective Vecchio, have you? 
Welsh: Umm, listen, we got to talk - 
Officer: Lieutenant, we've got a dust up in Interview 3, and there's a guy from the IRS that says he has to talk with you. 
Welsh: IRS? All right, listen, Fraser, there's a couple of things I got to do, but we have to talk. 
[squad room] 
Fraser: Ah! Ray! 
Ray: Fraser! Buddy! You have a good time up there in the Northwest Areas? 
Fraser: Territories, you mean? 
Ray: Wilderness, huh? Exactly. Me, personally, I leave the city I come down with a skin condition. Janey, you given any thought to Friday night? It would be a great first date. Crystal ballroom, the band, martinis, me. . . 
Janey: My dog has a foot fungus and needs some attention. 
Ray: Right. Is there a karmic chi love thing happening there or what? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. There seems to be some sort of misunderstanding. I'm looking for Ray Vecchio. 
Ray: Uh-huh? 
Fraser: Raymond Vecchio. The detective. 
Ray: You talked to Welsh, right? 
Fraser: Yes, I did. 
Ray: Good, so we're on the right track. I'm glad you're back, Fraser, 'cause things have not been the same around here. 
Fraser: Obviously. 
Ray: And you want to know why? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact, yes, I do. 
Ray: Take a look back through history and what do you see? 
Fraser: Any particular period of history? 
Ray: Nah, the whole shebang. 
Huey: Fraser, you found him. Good. 
Ray: What do you see, over and over, is this. Duets. Okay? 
Jimmy: Hey, Ray, what's up? 
Ray: Jimmy, you owe me a fin from last week! - Think about it. Lenon and McCartney, Leopold and Loeb, The Three Stooges. Strictly speaking, they were a trio, but in my opinion they should have dropped Larry right from the start because you could see the guy he just was not committed to it. Anyway, I think you know what I'm talking about. 
Fraser: No, I'm sorry, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about. 
Ray: Partners, Fraser. Partners. . . Elaine, you got that stuff on the Docklands? 
Fraser: Who are you? 
Ray: Quit kidding around, Fraser. You know who I am. 
Fraser: I assure you I am not kidding around. 
Elaine: Here you go, Ray. Files 1 through 7, and the background on the Johnson case. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I rarely forget a face and I am very confident that you and I have never met. Now, my name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that, well, they don't need exploring at this juncture, I have remained attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate, and over the course of my time here I have formed what you would call a duet with the person that I am currently looking for, one Raymond Vecchio, detective first grade, Chicago Police Department. 
Ray: Raymond Vecchio, detective first grade, Chicago Police Department. Everyone here knows who I am, Fraser, how about you? 
[phone rings] 
Ray: Ray Vecchio. . . Yeah, like something off a Christmas tree?. . . [to Fraser] For you. 
Voice: Listen, what a shame about your apartment building. Homeless, huh? What an ugly word. Well, you can always move in with your friend Vecchio. 
Fraser: I'm not at all convinced that he is my friend, actually. 
Voice: Oh, well, great. Then you probably won't sweat the fact that his electric blanket's getting the family home all nice and toasty. 
Fraser [to Ray]: I have no idea who you are, but if you insist on maintaining the charade of being Ray Vecchio, it may be of interest for you to know that I have reason to believe your house is about to burn down. 
[outside] 
Ray: We'll take my car! 
Fraser: Oh, please, don't tell me that your car is a 1971 green Buick Riviera. 
Ray: Yep. 
Fraser: Why not?. . . [to Dief] Let's just play along. 
[Riv] 
Fraser: I believe that was a stop sign. 
Ray: My house could be burning down, and you're worried about a stop sign? 
Fraser: There is no reason to compound the tragedy. 
Ray: God! Stop it! 
Fraser: Stop what? 
Ray: What he's doing to me, the things he's doing to me! 
Fraser: It could be a sign of affection. . . 
Ray: Or what? 
Fraser: Or a prelude to lunch. 
Ray: He's doing disgusting things to my ear! Get him off me! 
Fraser: He doesn't always listen to me. As you know, he's deaf. 
Ray: I'll crash the car! 
Fraser: He does read lips, so enunciate clearly. 
Ray: Get off me exclamation mark! 
Fraser: You missed our turn. 
Ray: I did not miss our turn. 
Fraser: Yes, I believe you did. You see, ordinarily you would turn at Montclair, cut across the alley, cross Harlem, and then turn right on Octavia. 
Ray: Yeah, yeah, ordinarily I would do that but ordinarily I do not have a deaf wolf trying to make intimate with me, Fraser. Besides, I'm trying to shake things up a little bit. Routine is the silent killer. 
Fraser: I thought that was high blood pressure. 
Ray: Nah, they changed that. 
Fraser: When? 
Ray: You were on vacation. . . Oh my God. . . [into radio] This is Unit 1-1-7. We got a Code 13 at 2926 North Octavia Avenue. 
Fraser: Right. You take the back, I'll take the front. 
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a fire. We wait for the fire department. 
Fraser: Lives are at stake. 
Ray: Look, pal, I don't risk my neck for anybody. 
Fraser: Ray Vecchio would. 
[bathroom] 
Tony: We're going to die in here! 
Frannie: No we're not. Take this and cover your face. 
Fraser: Come with me. . . This way. . . Stand aside. 
Frannie: Oh, Fraser, Fraser, forget it. 
Fraser: Trust me. 
Frannie: You, I trust. It's the landing that I'm not so sure of. Fraser!. . . Oh!. . . Watch where you're putting your hands, mister. 
Tony: you know I'm carrying a little extra weight. 
Fraser: Really? I'll push. 
Tony: Whoa! 
Frannie: Oh! 
Fraser: Oooh. 
Frannie: Get off me, you baboon! 
Fraser Senior: It's hot. Is this my final posting? 
Fraser: I wasn't aware you could feel heat. 
Fraser Senior: I'm dead, I'm not insensitive. What are you going to do about the Yank? 
Fraser: Well, would do you propose I do? 
Fraser Senior: Collect forensic evidence to determine if he is who he claims to be. 
Fraser: Of course he's not who he claims to be. 
Fraser Senior: Well, there are those who would contradict you. You might be delusional. 
Fraser: You know, you might be delusional. 
Fraser Senior: Oh, that's another story. 
Fraser: Well there you are. 
[outside] 
Fireman: You there in the building. . . is there anyone else inside? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Fireman: Alive? 
Fraser: They are. I'm bringing them out now. 
Ray: I don't believe this. 
Fraser: I know. It is remarkable, although carassius auratus can withstand fluctuations in temperature far greater than generally known. 
Ray: You went into a burning building for fish? 
Fraser: No, not exclusively. Dief, keep an eye on them. 
Ray: That man just went into a burning building for fish. 
Fireman: Well, sure. He took that extra step for red bubble-eye goldfish. . . Kramer! Take the back! 
Frannie: I'm shaking like a leaf. My heart's going 100 miles an hour. Fraser, feel my heart. Tell me it's not going 100 miles an hour. 
Ray: Frannie, your heart's fine. 
Fraser: Excuse me. Francesca, do you know this man? 
Frannie: Yeah, of course I do. . . [to Ray] Doesn't he know? 
Ray: He thinks he's a comedian. Hardy ha-ha-ha. So did you hear or see anything? 
Frannie: Uh, okay, I had Linda Ronstadt on the tape deck, and I was in the middle of a facial peel, so no, and our brother-in-law here was in the middle of his usual. 
Tony: My teeth. I had the water going. I was working on my molars, right? Next thing I know, I got a mouth full of smoke. 
Ray: Okay, but did you hear or see anything? 
Fraser: We've already answered that. 
Frannie: I said no. 
Ray: Hey! What are you doing? I don't know where you come from, but I come from this little place called America where we got this big thing called electricity. Word of advice - your tongue, electricity - not a good mix. 
Fraser: Huh. 
Ray: Okay? Come on, let's rock and roll. 
Frannie: Hey, Fraser, you know - 
Fireman: Excuse me, folks. 
Frannie: I mean, I know what you know, you know, and what everybody else knows, and all of that is known. Do you know what I'm saying? 
Fraser: I have no idea what you're saying. 
[honk] 
Ray: Come on, Fraser! 
Fraser: Excuse me. . . Dief, let's. . . 
Dief: Whine 
Ray: Before I die of waiting? 
Fraser: Come on. 
[Riv] 
Ray: You can burn down my place of employment, you can burn down my bowling alley, you can burn down my dance hall, sure, but my place of residence? I don't think so. 
Fraser: Hold still. 
Ray: What are you doing? 
Fraser: It's not important. What is important is that we try to determine who might have had a motive for these fires. 
Ray: You always think the obvious? 
Fraser: I never thought about it. Although, you know, my Uncle Tiberius had a life-long fascination with cabbage and its northern possibilities. He once was - 
Ray: Forget I asked. 
Fraser Senior: Don't bring up Tiberius. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Fraser Senior: But that was good, though, measuring the Yank's. . . 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: What for? 
Fraser: For driving the car. 
Ray: You're thanking me for driving the car? 
Fraser Senior: Of course, one Yank is pretty much like another, anyway. 
Fraser: People are not interchangeable, like snowmobile parts. 
Ray: There you go with the obvious again. 
Fraser: You're right about that. What I think we should do is go back through our past histories, realizing of course that's not something you are equipped to do - 
Ray: What do you mean, I'm not equipped to do? I can do that. What about the Bolt brothers? 
Fraser: The Bolt brothers were not arsonists. They were demented terrorists whose MO involved impromptu thermonuclear devices. 
Ray: Right, right, I'm thinking, uh - 
Fraser: Other demented terrorists whose MO included impromptu thermonuclear devices? 
Ray: No, wise guy. 
Fraser Senior: He's confused. 
Ray: Geiger. 
Fraser: Geiger was an escaped convict sworn to vengeance on a legendary Mountie who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Canadian actor and comedian, Leslie Nielsen. 
Fraser Senior: Who has yet to receive the Order of Canada. 
Fraser: Long overdue. 
Ray: Morgan. 
Fraser: Bank robbery. 
Ray: Herb Colling. 
Fraser: Aging vigilante. 
Ray: Bodine. 
Fraser: Gun smuggler. Although it is interesting his partner wore a very heavy perfume, the base property I believe to be a combination of camphor and rose. 
Ray: What's the connection? 
Fraser: Dief, let's go. The connection? 
Ray: Yeah, connection. 
Fraser: To Bodine, none, other than the perfume. However, I did detect the odor of ambergris, a base common to many perfumes, in the electrical socket outside the Vecchio house, and the same odor was present in the rubble of my apartment building. 
Ray: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're telling me your apartment building was burned down as well? 
Fraser: Yes. In all the excitement, I neglected to mention it. 
Ray: Neglected to mention it!
Fraser: Well, the point is the same odor was present, and I retrieved this from the rubble. 
Ray: Oh, great. So all we got to do is go around Chicago sticking our noses in people's pits to find somebody with the same smell. 
Fraser: Well that's one approach, I suppose. 
Ray: Elaine, did you give any thought to Friday? It would be a great first date, crystal ballroom, the band, martinis, moi. 
Elaine: No. 
Ray: Wait a minute. The perfume is the starter, the trigger - what the hell is the name of that stuff that gets the fire going? 
Fraser: The accelerant. 
Ray: The accelerant. Don't say anything. . . Two and a half years ago we nailed a painter named Zoltan Motherwell. At face value, it looked like he was torching his lofts to cash in on the insurance money, right? 
Fraser: Yes, but the trail widened and it revealed itself to be a pattern. 
Ray: Right. He was burning down his studios, workshops - the guy was on a psycho mission against art. 
Fraser: Yes, and in each case the accelerant was. . . ? 
Ray: Perfume. 
Fraser: Give me five, Detective. 
Ray: Fraser, you got ink all over my fingers. 
Fraser: Terribly sorry. 
Ray: What was that all about? 
Fraser: Ah, it's just a little thing we do. 
Ray: A little thing we do, huh? 
Fraser: Yeah, one of our little things. 
Ray: We have a lot of fun, don't we, you and I? 
Fraser: More fun than a barrel of monkeys. 
Fraser Senior: Very smooth, son. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: Don't thank me yet. Zoltan Motherwell is in the Evanston Institution for the Criminally Insane. 
Fraser: A dead-end. 
Ray: Maybe. Maybe not. I got a hunch. 
Fraser: You have hunches? 
Ray: Well, that's pretty much all I ever have. You know that, Fraser. 
Fraser Senior: What about his teeth? 
Fraser: Oh, I'm working on that. 
Ray: Let's go. . . You're working on what? 
Fraser: What? 
[Evanston Institution] 
Ray: Okay, this is how we're going to play this mook. You do the legwork, I'll hang in the background. 
Fraser: You prefer not to be seen. 
Ray: I'll be seen when I need to be seen. 
Fraser: I see. 
Ray: I see, what does that mean? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: So, when somebody says, 'I see,' it means something. . . What? 
Fraser: It only takes an extra second to be courteous. . . After you. 
Ray: After you. 
Fraser: Ah, thank you kindly. 
Ray: You're welcome. 
[Institute corridor] 
Ray: What do you mean? 
Fraser: Well, what I mean is that civility is a quality often overlooked - 
Ray: No, not that. When you said, 'I see.' What did you mean by that? 
Fraser: Well, Ray Vecchio arrested Zoltan Motherwell. Now, if you are Ray Vecchio, he'll recognize you. If you are not, he won't. 
Ray: You know something? You're a Doubting Thomas. . . [to guard] You got those files I ordered? 
Guard: Yeah, here you go. 
Ray: You see? We're like a one-two punch. A duet. You set 'em up, I knock 'em down. You set 'em up, I knock 'em down. 
[room] 
Motherwell: I have no regrets, Constable. I now live a life of simplicity and purpose. I couldn't live like this before when I was a slave. Do you understand me? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid I don't. You were a slave to. . . ? 
Motherwell: Everything. To everything. Canvas, paint, dealers, galleries, fashion, falsehood. A slave, until. . . Come here. . . Closer. . . Closer. 
Fraser: I think this is close enough. 
Motherwell: Until I realized it could be reduced to ashes. Wiped clean. 
Fraser: Ah. I understand. 
Ray: You understand. I don't believe this. 
Motherwell: Who is he? 
Fraser: This is a detective, apparently. My problem, Mr. Motherwell, is that it would appear that someone is continuing your efforts on a far more personal level. My apartment building has been burned down, leaving all of its tenants homeless. 
Motherwell: Oh, that's tragic. But that's the nature of artistic movements. I was merely the first great performance arsonist. Of course there'll be followers, imitators, possibly a school - 
Ray: All right, okay, I've had enough of this. You see, my friend here, he's Canadian. He's polite. He'll let you ramble on about his namby-pamby art crap. But me? I don't know what art is. But I know what I like, and you, dirtball, I don't like. 
Motherwell: Who are you? 
Ray: Hey, shut your trap! You look into my eyes! You look deep into my eyes! What do you see? You see the guy? Do you see the guy? The guy that put you in here?! Right?! Right?! Right?! Right?! Good!. . . Let's talk about his copycat torch that's walking the streets that's got your signature, which means you know the torch. 
Motherwell: How could I possibly have anything to do with this, Detective? I'm incarcerated. 
Ray: Okay, I got a phone log here. Three phone calls made by you. Two by payphone. One to 555-0188. That's a district of the Chicago Police Department. My district, my department, my phone. In fact, I picked up the phone, concerning my house. 
Motherwell: Possibly. 
Ray: Possibly. Visitors Log. One visitor, marked 'girlfriend' with no name. Now you cough up a name or it is all aboard for fun time, and I will kick your head all over this room! 
Motherwell: I think I need to see my attorney. 
Ray: Sure, you'll get to see your attorney, right after I break your jaw! 
Motherwell: Is he going to hit me? 
Fraser: I think it's probably just a posture. 
Ray: No, I'm going to break your jaw. But first, let's talk about your girlfriend. 
Motherwell: I have nothing to say. 
Ray: Gentlemen! Five! 
Motherwell: It's ridiculous! 
Ray: Four. 
Motherwell: He's going to hit me! 
Ray: Three. 
Fraser: I'm sure it's a posture. 
Ray: Two. 
Fraser: I could be wrong. 
Ray: One. 
Motherwell: No, wait, wait, wait. All right. What do you want to know? 
Ray: How about a name? 
Motherwell: Greta Garbo. 
Ray: A real name! 
Motherwell: Greta Garbo! It's a real name. She has a thing, an obsession, with privacy. She changed it legally. 
Ray: Whereabouts? 
Motherwell: The last time I talked with her, she lived on Shuter Street, 271. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Motherwell: Glad to help. 
Fraser: That was just a posture, wasn't it? 
Ray: Yeah, sure. . . What's a posture? 
[Garbo's apartment] 
Landlord: Here you go. 
[Dief whine] 
Fraser: Ray, I found her supply. 
Ray: We might be too late. I think she is planning to switch countries. 'How to Become a Canadian in Ten Easy Steps.' 
Fraser: The Consulate. 
Ray: Step 1: Get a big hat. Step 2: Lick electrical sockets. Step 3. . . 
[Riv] 
Fraser [on phone]: Constable Turnbull. . . 
Turnbull: Why, that's correct, sir. I am a constable. And you've reached the Canadian Consulate. My name is Turnbull. . . 
Fraser [to Ray]: Where are you going? 
Ray: The Consulate. 
Fraser: The old Consulate? 
Ray: There's a new Consulate? 
Turnbull: . . . attached to the Consulate as an assistant liaison officer. . . 
Fraser: As of this week. It's something Ray Vecchio would know. 
Ray: I knew that. 
Fraser [to Turnbull]: Yes, I know who you are, Constable. . . [to Ray] It's right. 
Turnbull: If you know who I am, Mr. Wright, I fail to see why you're asking me who I am. I would have thought you - 
Fraser: Just put Inspector Thatcher on the line. 
Turnbull: I'm sorry, but. . . 
[Fraser's reception breaks up] 
Fraser: Turnbull? Turnbull?. . . [ends call] That man is. . . We'd better hurry. 
Turnbull: Hello? 
[Consulate] 
Turnbull: Ah, Constable Fraser, you have impeccable timing. 
Fraser [to Dief]: Go! 
Turnbull: I would appreciate your opinion. Do you think Her Majesty would be happy here? 
Fraser: Very happy, yes. Turnbull, have there been any visitors in the office today? Any couriers, any deliveries? 
Turnbull: It's been very quiet today, sir, with the exception of the builders and movers and a peculiar conversation with a man named Wright. 
Fraser: That was me, Turnbull. 
Turnbull: Ahh. Deliberately misidentifying yourself. Very cunning, sir. 
Ray: Is this guy for real? 
Fraser: Very much so, yes. 
Turnbull: I wouldn't go in there, sir. The Inspector is in a high-level meeting with a man from Scandinavia. 
Fraser: Would you mind telling me what brand of perfume you're wearing, sir? 
Sven: Will he bite? 
Fraser: Only if provoked. 
Thatcher: Fraser, what are you doing? 
Fraser: You perfume, if you wouldn't mind? 
Thatcher [to Ray]: Who are you? 
Sven: My perfume? 
Ray [to Thatcher]: Ray. Vecchio. 
Fraser: If you would be so kind. 
Thatcher: Oh. Of course you are, Detective. 
Sven: Eau de Pomme. 
Fraser: Ah. Dief. I'm so terribly sorry, sir. There's been a horrifying mistake. 
Thatcher: That would be one way of putting it, Fraser. Let me introduce you to Sven, my interior designer. Sven, this is Constable Fraser, with whom I would like to have a word in private. So if you and Detective Vecchio wouldn't mind. . .? 
Fraser: I imagine, sir, that you would like something resembling an explanation. 
Thatcher: That would be a good idea, Fraser, because at this particular moment, I can assume only one of two things. Either you are mentally unhinged or you object on principal to interior designers. 
Fraser: No, sir, I only objected to his smell. 
Thatcher: Sven's smell? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. Sven's smell. You see, the base property of his cologne is identical to the base property of a perfume that was used as an accelerant in two fires, one at my apartment building and one at the Vecchio house, and I had reason to believe that the Consulate was the arsonist's next target. 
Thatcher: Arsonist? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. It would appear that I am being stalked by a performance arsonist. 
Thatcher: Okay. That would qualify as an explanation. 
[lobby] 
Turnbull: Oh, sure, people snigger. What use is the monarchy, they say. And right then and there I know they've never experienced the horse guard on parade. 
Ray: Here they come. 
Turnbull: Who? 
Ray: The fire department. 
Turnbull: Fire! 
Ray [to Fraser]: The torch! She's here! 
Fraser: May I, uh. . .? 
Thatcher: Yes. 
Fraser: Thank you. . . Do you mind if I. . .? 
Thatcher: Good luck. 
Fraser: May I just say, sir, and I'm by no means an expert, but that muted green with the flecks of gold - I think it would be a wonderful complement to the woodwork, the walls, and your eyes. 
[Riv] 
Ray: I don't believe this. She's followed us every step of the way. Up the street from my house, at the mental institution, and now here. 
Fraser: Sandwich? 
Ray: We're chasing a torch and you're thinking about food? 
Fraser: Well, we have to keep our strength up. Here, bite down. . . Oh! Wrong sandwich. 
Ray: What was that? 
Fraser: Window putty. 
Ray: What else you got? You got any pastrami?
Fraser: No, I'm sorry. She's headed for the freeway. 
Ray: Look, I'm not blind. I can see. Okay, so now we are following you. You been watching your handiwork but now we are behind you. You got any roast beef? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid not, and you know I really don't want to be a party-pooper, but if she's been following us to witness her handiwork, she can in theory still do that. 
Ray: How? We are following her in a car. 
Fraser: Well, exactly. All she has to do is look in her rearview mirror and watch us burst into flames. 
Ray: Burst into flames. . . 
Fraser: Stay with the van. Don't lose her. 
Ray: What do you mean, don't lose her? We can go up at any time. . . Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? 
Fraser: I'm trying to locate the igniter. 
Ray: Well how about we stop the car and locate the igniter? 
Fraser: She is a criminal. Stay the course. 
Ray: Look, you know something, you're a freak. But in spite of that, I'm going to tell you something. This may not be the best time but I'd like to say it before we go up in smoke. I feel a little pink about it 'cause I realize no one talked to you. Number one, I'm not the guy that you think. Number two, the guy you think I am. . . [horns honk]. . . Number three, you know, this was not my ambition to be, you know, driving in a molotov cocktail with a Mountie on the roof and a deaf wolf staring at me like I was an appetizer. It just was not part of a normal desire. Not for me, anyway. I had other things in mind - Fraser! Fra-! They said he was agile - he's not agile. He fell off the car. . . Hey! Hey, are you with me? 
Fraser: You bet. 
Ray: Okay. Good. Well, the upshot is I go in and they say, hey, you want a job and I go. . . I was weak, I was down. I say, well I'll think about it. And I'm thinking about it. Hey, my life's not great at the moment. I think maybe I can use a change, a change of scene, a change of luck, go undercover, get a new life. Then they say, do you want to work with this guy - 
Fraser: She's taking the exit! 
Ray: Okay, simple problem. . . That's about it. I mean, I could say more, but that is how I got here. So what do you think? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Ray: Nothing? I spill my guts and 'nothing'? 
Fraser: What are you talking about? 
Ray: What I was just saying, you didn't hear any of it? 
Fraser: Well, no, with the wind and speed, I'm sorry. Also, I was unable to locate the - What is she doing? 
Ray: She's slowing down. 
[honk] 
Fraser: No! 
Ray: Okay, I guess we located the igniter. 
Fraser: It would appear so. 
Ray: Okay, this is where I get out. 
Fraser: You cannot do that. 
Ray: Yes we can, Fraser. Our work is done here. 
Fraser: Stay in the car. 
Ray: Look - Fraser, what are you doing? Do not touch my inner thigh or calf! 
Fraser: Get your foot off the brake. 
Ray: I'm trying to stop! 
Fraser: You cannot stop the car. 
Ray: Not with you holding onto my leg, I can't. 
Fraser: Wait. It is too dangerous. This is a public thoroughfare. Pedestrians may be afoot. 
Ray: Look, I do not risk my neck for anybody. . . Look, the car's going to blow. 
Fraser: It is not. It is very, very, very rare that a car ever actually explodes. . . Mental note: Equip your vehicle with a fire extinguisher. 
Ray: I am all over that. 
Fraser: We've got to find a safe place to deposit this car. 
Ray: A parking lot? 
Fraser: No, it's too crowded. 
Ray: How about a park? 
Fraser: There might be children present, family pets. . . Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 
Ray: What?! 
Fraser: Stop light. 
Ray: You have got to be kidding me. 
Fraser: No. I'm afraid not. This is serious business. Traffic fatalities account for the loss of 41,786 American lives every year. 
Ray: Ahhh!. . . Got it. 
Fraser: Good thinking. 
Ray: What is this, some kind of superfire? 
Fraser: No, you shouldn't have pressed the hot wax option. 
Ray: Now what? 
Fraser: The lake they call Michigan. 
Ray: Lake Michigan. 
Fraser: Yes, the lake they call Michigan. 
Ray: Lake Michigan. 
Fraser: All right. 
Ray: Straight in? 
Fraser: Straight in. 
Ray: Listen, in case something happens, I just want you to know, it's been a pleasure meeting you. 
Fraser: Ah, so you admit we've never met. 
Ray: I'm not admitting anything. 
Fraser Senior: Give him some ground, son. 
Fraser: Why? 
Ray: 'Cause there's nothing to admit. 
Fraser Senior: He's not bad for a Yank. 
Fraser: Are you sure? 
Ray: Yeah, I'm sure. 
Fraser Senior: We're getting closer. 
Fraser: I can see that. 
Fraser Senior: I'll say goodbye now. 
Fraser: I'll speak to you later. 
Ray: You bet you will, and I mean it. It's been weird, but it's been a pleasure. 
Fraser: Likewise. Let's lock our load. 
Ray: It's lock and load. 
Fraser: Lock and load. I'm sorry. 
[dock] 
Fraser: Ray? 
Garbo: He's a fine painter. 
Fraser: Lower the gun, Miss Garbo. 
Garbo: A great artist. 
Ray: Like the man said, put the gun down. 
Garbo: And I'm carrying on his work. 
Ray: I said, put the gun down. 
[bang] 
Fraser: Ray. Ray! Ray! 
Ray: Ta-dah! 
Fraser: A vest. 
Ray: You called me Ray. 
Fraser: No I didn't. 
Ray: Yeah you did. 
Fraser: No I didn't. 
Ray: Yeah you did. 
Fraser: It was a mistake. Come on. 
Ray: You know I'm Ray. Don't fight it, Benton buddy. 
Fraser: You are not Ray. You don't even look like him. 
Ray: I could have had plastic surgery. 
Fraser: You could also be unhinged. 
Ray: I got papers to prove it. I'll show you. 
Fraser: I don't want to see them. 
Ray: I'm Ray. 
Fraser: If you're Ray, where were you born? 
Ray: Ah, that smarts when you get shot. 
Fraser: Ah. You see? See? 
[Welsh's office] 
Fraser: Lieutenant, if I could have just one moment of your time, I promise I'll be out of your hair before you can say Jimmy Crack Corn. 
Welsh: Rudolph, would you please. . .? 
Fraser: Sir, I will confess at first I was a little worried that maybe I had a hole in my bag of marbles, so I did an impromptu investigation. I would like to present in evidence. . . These are the registered fingerprints and these are the fingerprints of the man in question. They do not match. This is an official dental record, and this is a cast I made of the suspect's teeth. And they do not match. The shoe size is also inconsistent, and finally, as you can see, the suspect's nose is fully 7 millimeters smaller than Ray Vecchio's. In conclusion, this man is not Raymond Vecchio. 
Welsh: Constable, you have an uncanny power of observation. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Welsh: Of course he's not Ray Vecchio. I've been trying to get to you to talk to you about this. There's an operation going on. This operation comes from way up the ladder. Details are kinda sketchy, but all we need to know is Ray Vecchio has gone deep under cover with the mob. Now, to protect his identity, we have to make believe that this guy is Ray Vecchio. 
Fraser: I see. . . Lieutenant, have you by any chance heard from Ray? 
Welsh: Oh, no, no, and I don't expect to, either. 
Fraser: I understand. 
Welsh: Listen, Constable, I want you to give this guy a fair shot. He's a real good cop. And on your way out, sent in my accountant. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Welsh: Thank you. 
[squad room] 
Ray: This turned up on my desk. It's for you. . . What do you make of it? 
Fraser: It's a message. 
Ray: Something I should worry about? 
Fraser: No, no. No, everything's all right. Everything is actually fine. 
Ray: Okay. Well. . . 
Fraser: Hey, Ray. . . Would you like to go and get something to eat with me? 
Ray: Yeah. . . I just got to, uh, I'll put away these files and meet you at the car. 
Fraser: All right. Good. 
Fraser Senior: Would you like my opinion? 
Fraser: Do I have any choice? 
Fraser Senior: He's a good man. 
Fraser: I think you're right. 
Fraser Senior: We have to find somewhere to live. 
Fraser: What do you mean 'we'? 
Fraser Senior: That's a cruel joke, son. I've been thinking about an office. I think I need an office. 
Fraser: What the hell would you do with an office? 
Fraser Senior: Office work, memoirs, catch up on my taxes. . . 
Fraser: Taxes! You've been dead for two years. 
Fraser Senior: Oh, they find you, son. They find you. . . 

End of Burning Down the House
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Eclipse 

[27th district] 
[Hallett and Brandau walk Siracusa in] 
Hallett: Hallett. Internal Affairs. Open the cage. 
[Welsh, in his office doorway, nods permission to Huey] 
Huey: This is the guy. 
Hallett: Yeah, doesn't look like much, does he? Gonna cost ya all your jobs. 
Brandau: All right, people, find a spot, stand in it, and listen up. My name is Brandau, State's Attorney's office. This is Detective Hallett, Internal Affairs. I'm sure you all recognise these as court documents. They are the product of two months' background investigation, and they authorise me to conduct a probe into allegations of corruption concerning this district. We will be at this for as long as it takes, so go about your business. But if we call, you drop everything and come running. Bear in mind, no-one is outside our interest and no-one is above suspicion. Any questions? No? Good. 
[Welsh finishes drinking his coffee and walks past him] 
Brandau: You still a lieutenant, Harding? 
Welsh: You still a jerk? 
Brandau: What a funny guy. But I think you'd be even funnier sitting in the State Penitentiary. So where is he? 
Welsh: He's a cop. He's out working, he's not wasting people's time like you. 
Brandau: He's not going to show up? 
Welsh: Oh, don't worry, he'll show. 
Brandau: Oh, I- I'm not worried, Lieutenant. But if I were you I'd be worried. 'Cause it could be one hell of a dark day, and not just on account of the eclipse. If Vecchio doesn't show up by the end of his shift... you're in for a rocky ride. 
[Ray's apartment. In the kitchen, making coffee and adds some smartie candies to it and eats the rest of em] 
Radio: And coming up later today, a solar eclipse. And remember, kids, it's perfectly safe to look at the sun. No matter what anyone else has told you, the sun's rays are completely harmless. No, no. [laughs] Just kidding! Keep your head, keep your eyes closed. Now let's have a listen to Crowbar with "Blast from the Past". 
[Ray counts out six smarties into his chocolate, then eats the rest.] 
[phone rings; answerphone gets it as Ray stirs his chocolate with the handle of a wooden spoon] 
Welsh: This is Welsh. We need you in here, Detective, now. 
[Ray hits phone with wooden spoon] 
[in another room; Ray spins gun, looks sexy] 
[phone rings] 
Welsh: I don't see you in here, Vecchio. You'd better be on your way. 
[Ray packs bag with radio, tape deck, canteen, torch, listening equipment, other stuff; adds binoculars and a bottle of scotch at bench] 
[phone rings] 
Welsh: Vechhio, where the hell are you? That is of course I'm assuming you still want to work at this station. We got urgent matters here need your attention, Detective. Serious stuff. Get your butt in here now. 
Ray: [slings bag on shoulder] Not today, Welsh. [leaves apartment as camera zooms in on a red-circled notice in the newspaper] 
[27th district] 
Welsh: This whole thing began with this con that they have in the holding cell called Siracusa. Apparently he had a sit down with one of the reps from the State's Attorney, tried to cut himself a deal for an early release. He said that our whole station was bent, taking in drugs with the arrest, skimming off the top. How'd he come across this information, they ask? He said he used to be a stoolie for one of the dirty cops, a detective. Which detective, they ask? 
[He points the finger at Ray Vecchio.] 
Fraser: [carrying a cabbage in one hand and a trout in a bag in the other] 
Ray Vecchio is not corrupt, sir. 
Welsh: Oh yeah. You know that and I know that, but between them all, IAD doesn't have a half a brain. In here, please. 
[Maintenance closet] 
Welsh: Now on top of that, Brandau and I have this thing. [turns on light] We been going at each other on and off for about twenty years. Now any excuse he gets he's gonna jump on, and he'll start digging. Now I know this station is clean, but there're always loose ends. If Vecchio doesn't show, this district will have its collective ass in the slink. 
Fraser: So you need Ray Vecchio. 
Welsh: By end of shift. Five o'clock. 
Fraser: Which one, sir? 
Welsh: Which one what? 
Fraser: Which Ray Vecchio? The detective formerly known as Ray Vecchio, or the current detective known as the former Ray Vecchio? 
[door opens and a cop steps in] 
Welsh: What? 
Cop: I'm looking for toilet paper. 
Welsh: [hands him newspaper] Here. Scram. 
[cop leaves] 
Welsh: I can't go in there and tell them that Ray Vecchio is undercover on another operation, and that this guy at the desk is not the real Ray Vecchio. If I do, these morons will have it on the six o'clock news, and the real Ray Vecchio will end up the dead body leading off at eleven. See? The only way to handle this is we gotta bluff it out. You look for the new guy, and I'll stall. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Welsh: All right. 
[they leave; Fraser turns off the light] 
Elaine: Hi, Fraser! What's with the cabbage? 
Fraser: Party supplies. 
Elaine: For the eclipse? 
Fraser: Ah, no, actually. It's Detective Vecchio's birthday. 
Welsh: Fraser, it's not the new guy's birthday. 
Fraser: Well, yes, but the former Ray Vecchio always had a party. If we wish to maintain his cover it follows that the current Ray Vecchio should have a party as well. 
Elaine: And we use the fish for...? 
Fraser: For the games. Bobbing for trout. You see, I- I've organised a traditional Yukon celebration in his honour. 
Welsh: Couldn't we just bob for apples? 
Fraser: They're not very plentiful in the Yukon. 
Welsh: It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. [leaves] 
Elaine: Is that a traditional Inuit game? 
Fraser: No, the locals favour something called "Twister". 
Elaine: I'll... take the fish. 
Fraser: Ah. Thank you kindly. [she walks off, leaving him with the cabbage] Oh, uh... Well. 
[cemetery] 
Ray: Morning. I'd like to get into that crypt. 
Caretaker: [on motorised cart] Can't be done. 
Ray: Why not? 
Caretaker: For one thing, you're still breathing. 
Ray: Ten bucks. 
Caretaker: Do I look like a man who will take a bribe of money? 
Ray: [sits beside him on cart] Ile of Moll, sixteen-year-old single malt scotch. 
Caretaker: I'll get the key. 
[Ray's apartment building] 
Landlady: He okay in houses? [meaning Diefenbaker] 
Fraser: Scrupulous. 
Landlady: Good. [to cleaner] Well, don't just move the dirt around! [to Fraser] Very mysterious man, this friend of yours. 
Fraser: In what sense, ma'am? 
Landlady: He clomps. 
Fraser: Clomps? 
Landlady: In rhythm. [lets them into apartment number 309] Well, most tenants I get to know. But him? Very secretive. And I wouldn't know about the clomping except that I live right below him. You know I'll be fixing my hair or something and I'll hear this, uh... Well, it's not really like clomping actually, it's more like he's shuffling or something. 
[She's now sitting in a chair; Fraser's looking at a black and white photo of a man and woman] 
Diefenbaker: [yips -- he's turned over a rug to show footsteps painted on the floor] 
Fraser: Dancing, possibly? 
Landlady. There y'are, yeah. Huh. And he's real light on his feet. I can get hypnotised and just sit there for an hour easy. 
[crypt] 
[Ray's whistling "Blast from the Past" as he sets up equipment; mice are squeaking; he glances around a bit then goes over to a grate and looks out of it with his binoculars at a newly-dug grave] 
[Ray's apartment] 
[Fraser's looking at the newspaper: "Chicago Guardian, Monday..." and "ELLERY" visible] 
Landlady: So what's your story? You work in a circus? 
Fraser: Uh, no, ma'am, Royal Canadian Mounted police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture I've remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate. 
Landlady: [after long pause] Don't take anything 
Fraser: Understood. 
[crypt] 
[caretaker pops up head as Ray looks out of grate] 
Ray: Aargh! Jesus, you scared me to death. 
Caretaker: This thing doesn't work. 
Ray: What do you mean it doesn't work? It's just a bottle, it doesn't work or not work. 
Caretaker: If nothing comes out of it, what is it? 
Ray: It's empty. 
Caretaker: But it isn't empty, so it must be broken. 
Ray: If it was broken it'd be empty. 
Caretaker: Exactly. So it's not working. 
Ray: [takes out pocketknife and smashes top off bottle] There. Now it's broken and it's working. 
Caretaker: Good man. 
[Welsh's office] 
Brandau: That's nice. That's so nice. It's so nice to see the IRS taking an interest in you the same time we are. 
Welsh: Yes. Nice to see you guys take the word of a career scumball over mine. 
Hallett: Mister Siracusa has nothing to gain by his allegations. Why would he make them up? 
Welsh: Come on, Hallett! Think I don't know he's up for release? Think I don't know Brandau here's been waiting to nail me for most of his adult life? Look, you guys knock yourselves out, I got a station to run. 
[Welsh leaves office and walks into a melee of cops and waiters] 
Welsh: Hey-hey-hey! Anybody wants to get their head cracked, keep talking. [to Huey] Who're the penguins? 
Huey: The graduating class of the Grenville School of Deportment and Domestic Service. Apparently they were setting a table when a rumble broke out over the correct placement of a spoon. 
Welsh: Book 'em. [to Elaine] Fraser check in yet? 
Elaine: No. 
Welsh: Right, give Ray another shot. 
Hallet: [from office doorway] Bez... Bess.... Besbriss! 
Elaine: One month before I get to become a real cop and this happens. 
Welsh: Be straight. You have nothing to hide. 
[crypt] 
[mice squeak again; Ray looks around, his gun at the ready] 
Ray: Don't move. [pulls gun on Fraser] 
Fraser: Hi, Ray. [Ray lowers gun] So we're on a stakeout. That's good. Who's the target? 
Ray: None of your business. 
Fraser: Ah. Secrecy. That's very wise. You know, it reminds me of a time I spent near Skull Rapids. I was holed up in the carcass of a caribou for almost seventy-two hours, and you know, to this day I have no idea who we were actually waiting for. But I can tell you that after seventy-two hours, the smell of a caribou carcass... is almost hallucinogenic. 
Ray: Are you unhinged? 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of. 
Ray: Hey, how did you find me? 
Fraser: Well, you'd circled an obituary notice in a newspaper that was lying on a counter in your apartment. 
Ray: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You broke into my apartment? 
Fraser: Well, no. That would be illegal. Your landlady simply let me in. She's very fond of you, by the way. 
Ray: You invade my castle, you track me down, you almost get your head shot off. You wanna tell me why? 
Fraser: Well, two reasons. First, I bought you a present. 
Ray: For what? 
Fraser: For your birthday. 
Ray: It's not my birthday. 
Fraser: Yes, it is. 
Ray: No, it's not. 
Fraser: Well, I think you're wrong about that. You see, Ray Vecchio was born-- 
Ray: Hey-hey, let's just drop that, okay, Fraser? You and I both know I'm not Ray Vecchio. 
Fraser: You're not? 
Ray: No. 
Fraser: You're sure about that? 
Ray: I don't even look like him. 
Fraser: Well, you could have had plastic surgery. 
Ray: You are unhinged. 
Fraser: You think? 
Ray: Yes, I think. Look, I'm not Ray. I mean, I am Ray, but I'm not Ray Vecchio. I'm... Kowalski. Stanley Raymond Kowalski. 
Fraser: Your name is Stanley Kowalski? 
Ray: Look, my Dad had a thing for Brando. Me, it was always Steve McQueen. So I go by Ray. 
Fraser: Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ray Kowalski. [they shake hands] 
[27th district] 
Huey: Come on. 
Waiter: Yes, sir. 
Huey: Get your butts over here. 
Waiter: Sir. 
Huey: Enough with the good manners. 
Waiter: As you wish, sir. 
Huey: I said, enough. 
Waiters: Yes, sir. 
[Welsh's office] 
Hallett: Is this your phone log? 
Elaine: Yeah. 
Hallett: Why all the calls to Vecchio? 
Elaine: Maintaining contact with the detectives is part of what I do. 
Brandau: Not after you've clocked out, it isn't. You got a dozen calls 
there after your shift. 
Elaine: It's not a nine to five job. 
Hallett: What does "China white" mean to you? 
Elaine: Nothing. 
Brandau: Try again! 
Elaine: Dishes. 
Hallett: Drop the attitude, Besbriss. 
Brandau: You know it's heroin. You were in on it, weren't you? 
Elaine: I don't know what you guys are talking about. 
Hallett: Missing drugs. 
Brandau: Besbriss. You wanna be a cop? Give me Vecchio and give me Welsh. Most importantly Welsh. Then you just might get to be a cop. Otherwise, who knows what might happen? 
[crypt] 
Fraser: People are counting on you, Ray. They could lose their jobs. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, let's get this thing straight. You want me to sit in front of a bunch of guys who are going to grill me about corruption that never happened, but if it did happen it happened to another guy, but I'd have to answer for it anyway? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray: Forget it. 
Fraser: If you don't, Ray, you will lose your shield. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I've humped this job for a long time. Bad hours, bad food and bad guys. And for what? 
Fraser: For the pride and honour of knowing that we make it possible for good people to tuck their kids in at night, turn out the lights and know they'll be safe. 
Ray: You gotta be kidding me. 
Fraser: No, I'm not. 
Ray: You believe all that? 
Fraser: Yes, I do. 
Ray: You never doubt it? 
Fraser: Never. 
Ray: You're a lucky guy, Fraser. Me, I never wanted to be a cop in the first place. I always wanted to be something else. 
Fraser: Why didn't you become something else? 
Ray: That is the reason I'm here today. 
Fraser: Do you mind if I ask you what that reason is? 
Ray: [looking out window] Do you mind if I ask you what your wolf is doing? 
[Diefenbaker is carrying flowers over to the grave of a dog] 
Fraser: I've no idea. Although in his youth, Diefenbaker did display a keen interest in horticulture. 
Ray: You know, Fraser, when they offered me this assignment, they made it sound kind of normal. They say, "Hey, Ray, here's a chance to start over. Ditch the past." "What's the catch?" I say. "Oh, your partner's Canadian." Canadian? I got nothing against Canadians, except for the time when they won the World Series. 
Fraser: Two times. 
Ray: Which I'm willing to overlook. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Ray: But at no time did they say, "Oh, by the way, you'll be working with a Mountie who's got a wolf that's a florist." [notices something out window and hands his glasses to Fraser] Hold these, will you? Oh, that's good. 
Fraser: Is this the target of the stakeout? 
Ray: Nah, just something's queer. Let's check it out. 
[at dog's grave, Dief's barking] 
[two men at hearse. The credits give them names but I don't know which is which, so I'm randomly calling the younger one "Bert" and the older one "Rico"] 
Bert: [checking bag of money] It's all there? 
Rico: Uh huh. 
Ray: [fake sobbing] Mom. Mom. 
Bert: What? 
Ray: That's my mom in there. 
Bert: No, it's not. 
Ray: Yeah, it is. [hugs Bert] 
Bert: No, it's not. You're confused with, uh... 
Rico: Grief. 
Bert: Yeah, see, that ain't your mother, that's, uh, Mister... 
Rico: Smith. 
Bert: Smith. 
Rico: John Smith. 
Ray: No, that's my Mom. Mom, I'm so sorry. Just wanted to see your face one last time. [opens coffin] 
Bert: Hey, you can't do that! 
Ray: Mom, how you've changed. Into Cuban cigars. 
Bert: [pulls gun on him] That's it. That's enough. Out of the car. Easy. That's it. That's it. Easy. Easy. 
Fraser: Gentlemen. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Ray: Pull out your gun. 
Fraser: I don't have a gun. 
Rico: You don't got no gun? 
Fraser: No, but if you'd be so kind as to step to one side, the detective will read you your Miranda rights. I assume that weaponry you're holding is illegal. 
Bert: Does a bear shop in the forest? 
Fraser: In my experience bears don't shop. 
Bert: Hey, wise guy, step out of the way. 
Diefenbaker: [woofs -- running towards them] 
Fraser: Run. 
[they run]
Ray: You don't have a gun? 
Fraser: Well, obviously you weren't fully briefed. [gunfire] I'm not licensed to carry a firearm. 
Ray: And you didn't bother telling me before? 
Fraser: Well, it didn't seem germane at the time. 
[they shelter behind a gravestone] 
Ray: What the hell kinda word is that? 
Fraser: I'll be right back. [leaving hat behind, somersaults out from behind gravestone, grabs something from the ground, and dashes back] 
Fraser: It's your birthday present. I dropped it. 
Ray: Are you a freak? [stands, shoots 3 times and hits a tree] 
Fraser: It's a dreamcatcher. I made it myself. You see, you hang it in your window, it catches all your bad dreams, you sleep well at night. 
[Ray shoots 4 times and hits a statue madonna] 
Fraser: These are eagle feathers. 
Ray: Fraser, when they shoot us I'll be glad I knew that. Come on, let's go. 
Fraser: [as they're running under fire] You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to acquire an eagle feather. First of all you have to apply to the National Eagle Repository in Commerce City, Colorado. 
[Ray shoots once more, and then again. This makes nine.] 
Fraser: And then, you just have to hope that someone finds a dead eagle in the woods... and that they have the presence of mind to put it on ice and then courier it to Commerce City. 
Ray: Really? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Ray: Go. 
Fraser: Go. And then basically you just wait, and you hope that no shaman or tribal elder needs an eagle feather in some sort of sacred ritual, which of course would take precedence over your relatively minor desire to use the feather in a gift for your partner. 
Ray: How many rounds have I fired? 
Fraser: By my count seven. 
Ray: Duck. 
[shelter behind another gravestone] 
Ray: We're sunk. I left all my clips in the crypt. Only got two rounds left. 
Fraser: You know I don't mean to be critical, but you might want to consider some remedial practice on the target range. Your aim is appalling. 
Ray: Hey, I'm a good shot. 
Fraser: By what criteria? You fired seven rounds, you haven't been within fifty metres of your target. 
Ray: I'm a good shot, I just need my glasses. I also left them in the tomb. 
Fraser: No, you didn't. I have them right here. [hands him glasses] 
Ray: Why didn't you tell me you had them? 
Fraser: Well, I didn't realise you were blind. 
Ray: I'm not blind, I just don't see all that good. 
Fraser: Alright we've got a bit of time, so just to finish this off: if you happen to pass all of these hurdles, you might be one of the few, the lucky few, as I was, to have this precious symbol of freedom delivered right to this door. 
Ray: What are you talking about? 
Fraser: The eagle feather. 
[gunfire] 
Ray: You are a freak. [stands and shoots guns out of bad guys' hands with his tenth and eleventh shots] Down! Down! Hands. 
Fraser: That's good work, Ray. Now we'll have to return to the station for processing. 
Ray: You have the right to remain silent. 
Fraser: Ray, we have to return to the station for processing. 
Ray: I am not doing that, Fraser. Anything you say may be held against you. 
Fraser: Ray, standard operating procedure, field manual chapter seven. 
Ray: You have the right to an attorney. 
Fraser: The arresting officer-- 
Ray: If you cannot afford an attorney, the court will assign one to you. 
Fraser: --shall transfer the suspect to the nearest station house for processing-- 
Ray: Do you understand these rights? 
Fraser: --with dispatch. 
Ray: Do you understand these rights? 
Fraser: With dispatch. 
Ray: You like procedure so much, you take 'em in. 
Fraser: I'm not the arresting officer. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, get something through your head. Keep a shield, lose a shield, I don't really care. I am not leaving this graveyard until I finish what I came here to do, take down a bent nail named Marcus Ellery. Until I do that I'm not leaving. Period. Dot it, file it, stick it in a box marked done.  Okay? [turns to bad guys] Come on, get up! 
[Welsh's office] 
Hallet: Tell us about Alcorn Street. 
Huey: That was a stand-up bust. 
Hallett: Oh yeah! 
Huey: Yeah. Took down a couple of real dirtbags, Ray risked his life to save a child. Yeah, it was a great day for cops. 
Brandau: No kidding, you scored a big bag of China White. 
Huey: What are you talking 'scored'? We seized a shipment of heroin. 
Brandau: You seized ten kilos of heroin, by the time it was signed at evidence control there was only one. 
Huey: That's crap. 
Hallett: Hey, we'll tell you when we're done. 
Huey: I don't have to take this. 
Hallett: Sit down. 
Brandau: Look, you got a fine record, Detective. Could be you were just taking orders. Right? You give me Welsh, you give me Welsh and then maybe I can help you out. 
[crypt] 
Ray: In the seventies Ellery went on a tear, string of armed robberies from Illinois to Texas. Take anything with cash, jewelry, armoured trucks, banks. He did one bank right in my neighbourhood. Ten years ago he's convicted of a heist outside El Paso. On route to the State Pen, he escaped. After that, went off the grid. It's his mother they're burying today. 
Fraser: You think he'll attend. 
Bert: It's his mother, he'll show. 
Ray: Who asked you? 
Rico: Don't get so miffed, he's just trying to help. 
Ray: I don't need your help. 
Bert: Fine. But I detect a hole in your plan. 
Ray: Yeah? 
Bert: Yeah. Assuming Ellery shows, which I agree he will, what you going to do? Statute of limitations has runned out on the guy. 
Fraser: You know, he's right. 
Ray: Whose side are you on? 
Fraser: I didn't realise there were sides. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, there's always sides. There's bad guys and there's everybody else. Marcus Ellery, bad guy. 
Bert: That may be, but you have no grounds to arrest him. 
Ray: Look, this is not official business, so shut up! It's personal. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, Francis Bacon once wrote that revenge is a wild kind of justice, which the more man's nature runs to, the more ought law to weed it out. 
Ray: Did Francis Bacon ever meet up with Marcus Ellery? 
Fraser: It's unlikely; Bacon died in 1626. 
Ray: Well, there you go. If he had he would have whistled a different tune 
Rico: A wild kinda justice. Yeah, I like that. 
[Welsh's office] 
Huey: How many times have I got to tell you? We only seized one kilo. 
Hallett: Not according to the evidence log. What's this? 
Huey: It's my name. 
Hallett: Yeah, and this? 
Huey: My signature. 
Hallett: Thank you, Detective. Detective. 
Huey: It was one. Ray will back me up. 
Brandau: Well, he's not even bothered to show up, has he? He's left you to take the fall. Huh? What does that tell you? 
Hallett: Think about it. 
[crypt] 
Rico: This guy Bacon. Does he got any books out? 
Fraser: Yes, actually. The Advancement of Learning, uh, Novum Organum, and an incomplete and very fascinating work called Instauratio Magna. 
Rico: I gotta check into that. 
Bert: What is wrong with you, man? 
Rico: Look, if we don't get off on a technicality, we're looking at fifteen to twenty-two years. I could put that time to good use. 
Ray: Shut up. 
[gunfire] 
Ray: Gun. 
Bert: (something derogatory that my entire family of seven couldn't understand) 
[outside] 
[Fraser jumps on shooter, who turns out to be an old lady] 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
Ray: Who the hell are you? 
Gladys: Gladys Carls. 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, we thought you were a desperate criminal. Did I hurt you? 
Gladys: No. It is a bit stiff, though. 
Fraser: What is, ma'am? 
Gladys: My leg. 
Fraser: Ah yes. Let me help you up. 
Gladys: Oh, thank you, my hat. There we are. Oh. I'm-- I'm just visiting my husband. 
Ray: What, you hate the guy so much you fire six shots into him even after he's dead? 
Gladys: Hate him? Good Lord, no, I loved him dearly. I'm just executing part of his will. 
Ray: What, he's like a masochist or something? 
Gladys: Oh, well, we tried that sometimes, but he hated pain. No. No he was acorophobic. 
Ray: Ah, he's afraid of acrobats. 
Fraser: No, no, insects. 
Gladys: Exactly. You see, Henry was of the belief that, uh, lead would discourage insects from feasting off him. So I uh shoot a little in now and then to keep them away. I don't know if it works but it makes me feel better. 
[Ray puts gun away] 
Fraser: I understand. 
Ray: You understand. 
Fraser: Ma'am, I'm afraid we'll have to check your firearms certificate. 
Gladys: Oh, by all means. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Ray: Freak. 
[27th district] 
Welsh: He's not here in an hour we're all going to be looking for new jobs on the back of matchbooks. 
[crypt] 
Ray: May I ask you something? Do you find me attractive? 
Bert: Oh, I wouldn't say attractive. 
Rico: No, cute maybe. 
Gladys: I'd say well-favoured. 
Ray: Did I ask you? 
Bert: Sorry, I thought you were asking all of us. 
Ray: Well, I wasn't, so zip. [to Fraser] Well? D'you find me attractive? 
Fraser: In what sense? 
Ray: In the sense of... you know, being a woman. 
Fraser: Do I think you're an attractive woman? 
Ray: No. No. I'm not the woman. You're the woman. 
Fraser: I'm the woman. 
Gladys: No, I'm the woman. 
Ray: But up. 
Bert: Well, she is. 
Ray: Well, I know she's a woman, I'm asking Fraser to pretend that he's a woman. Okay? 
Gladys: Oh. Can you do that, dear? 
Fraser: Well, I have done that, yes. 
Rico: So have I. It was rather fun. Heh heh. 
Ray: Look, you three zip, and you, you pretend you're a woman, okay? You find me attractive? 
Fraser: Very much so, yes. 
Ray: You're not just saying that? 
Fraser: Well, I'm not really qualified to judge, Ray. 
[Ray laughs] 
Gladys: And what's funny about that? He isn't. 
Ray: I just... Sounds like something my wife would say. 
Fraser: I didn't realise you were married. 
Ray: I was, not anymore. 
Rico: That is so sad. 
Ray: Well, yes, you know. Two careers, she worked at States Attorneys' office, it just didn't work out. 
Bert: You know the break up tone of voice. They say, "Hey, it's no big deal." Tone of voice you know. 
Rico: He would know, his wife left him. He was a broken window. Glass everywhere. 
Gladys: What about you, dear? Are you married? 
Fraser: No, ma'am, I'm not. But I am acquainted with loss, and on occasion loneliness. 
Gladys: Ah yes. Loneliness, hm? It may sound silly, but I wonder how the sun will feel today when it's blocked out by the moon. 
Fraser: Yes. It does seem sometimes that the border between life and death is very poorly guarded. 
Gladys: Hmm. 
Rico: Yeah, and if you're carrying the wrong passport, you end up in a little drawer in one of these places. 
Bert: What I'm thinking is, who the hell has all the passports? I mean, I wouldn't be here if I had all the passports, you know? 
Fraser: Or would you? That's the question, isn't it? 
Ray: Right. Right. Like you can't go forward until you go backward. Like I tried to run away from my past, but you can't do it, cause it's in your skin, it stays with you. You gotta retrace your steps to figure out how you got here. I took this bus, I drove this car, I got on this train, I walked down this street, I turned this corner, I opened this door, and I stepped into a bank. 
[bank] 
Ray: I was thirteen and she was a Gold Coast girl. Private school. She was untouchable, but I was working it. I was lying like a maniac. I was John Lennon, James Bond, Joe Namath, all rolled into one. 
[Young Ray and Stella at counter] 
Young Stella: [whispers to Ray] I think that man has a gun. 
Young Ray: Gun! 
Ellery: [very distorted, nightmarish voice] Down on the floor, now. Now! You, little girl, get over here. Get over here! [Stella goes] Kid. Fill that bag up with money. Get up, fill it up. Get up. Get up. Now. 
[Young Ray gets up] 
Ellery: Turn around! Turn around. [Young Ray turns, and Ellery laughs]  Look. The kid messed himself. 
[Stella struggles, breaks free and runs away] 
Young Ray: Stella! 
Ray: Stella. 
[crypt] 
Ray: Stella. 
Bert: So. Did you get the girl? 
Ray: Yeah. I got the girl. 
Gladys: Ahh. 
Ray: That was Stella, my wife. 
Rico: She married you even after... you know, what you done? 
Ray: Yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, I mean, my whole life, it all starts and ends with this one guy. I'm like one of those, um.... whatchamacallem? Uh, knights looking for the Holy Grill. 
Fraser: Grail. 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: Holy Grail. 
Ray: You sure? 
Fraser: I'm pretty sure it's not a diner. 
Ray: Grill, grail, whatever. I'm just trying to settle an old debt. 
[door opens] 
Caretaker: [staggering in] Okay. Number one. This is either empty, broken, or not working. And. Number two. They're here. [falls down] 
Gladys: Oh, Tom, dear! 
[Ray looks out of window and sees funeral procession arriving] 
Diefenbaker: [howls] 
Gladys: Is your wolf all right? 
Fraser: I think he's grieving. His breed is uncommonly sensitive. They feel sorrow profoundly. 
Ray: He didn't show up. 
Bert: What kind of guy doesn't show to his own mother's funeral? I mean, we're low-life, man, but that, that's a new standard. 
Caretaker: [on Gladys' lap, stirs and mumbles] 
Gladys: Hush, Tom, dear, shh, go back to sleep. Shh. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, I'm pretty sure he'll come. We have time. 
[27th district] 
Huey: Running out of time. 
Elaine: He's been in there for thirty-seven minutes. 
[in office] 
Hallett: This was on your watch, Lieutenant. 
Welsh: I stand by my detectives. 
Hallett: Ten kilos down to one, we're talking big-time felony charges. 
Welsh: I stand by my detectives. 
Brandau: You were a clown twenty years ago and you're still a clown, Welsh. You pushed me aside every chance you got and when that wasn't enough you put my brother in jail. My brother! I'm gonna tell you something. Nothing's going to give me more pleasure than taking you and this whole stinking district down. 
You got me? 
[graveyard] 
[Fraser seeing Gladys off in a taxi, and Bert and Rico off in a police car] 
[crypt] 
Ray: I lied, you know. 
Fraser: You did? 
Ray: Yeah. About Stella, to Stella. I was in the bank, she thought I humiliated myself on purpose, to stall for time so she could get away. I never told her any different. She thought I was a hero. I played along. Whole marriage based on a lie. I was a con job then and I'm a con job now. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, in my limited experience with the subject, I've found that very few lifelong bonds are formed based on whether one partner or the other urinated in their clothing. And I'm willing to gamble -- not with money mind you -- but I am willing to gamble that Stella looked beyond that one 
incident and saw the whole person. 
Ray: What do you mean? 
Fraser: In December 1988 a young boy was being held in a warehouse. You went in even though you knew your cover had been blown. You drew fire, you were wounded, yet you managed to rescue the boy. Your first citation. In December 1990, in a jewelry store you singlehandedly held off three gunmen, saving four innocent lives. Your second citation. In September1993 you faced down three escaped murderers and you brought them to justice. Your third citation. You're a good policeman, Ray. And I would be proud to call you my partner... and my friend. 
Ray: What was that last part? 
Fraser: Friend. 
Ray: Lend me some money? 
Fraser: Money and friends don't mix, Ray. Let's go to work. 
[outside] 
Diefenbaker: [greets them with a growl and a woof] 
Ray: How'd you know all that stuff about my background? 
Fraser: Well, I had your fingerprints, I went through your files. 
Ray: You're a real noseyparker, aren't you? 
Fraser: I think it's prudent to know the mettle of the man you work with. 
Ray: [laughs] Prudent. Is that like germane? 
Diefenbaker: [woofs] 
Ray: You think this thing would fly? 
Fraser: Well, it's not a frisbee, Ray, it's a dreamcatcher. It tangles up bad dreams. 
Ray: But do you think it'd fly? 
Fraser: There's only one way to find out. 
[Ray dumps bag and throws dreamcatcher like a frisbee. It flies. Quite a distance -- it ends up getting caught by Ellery at an open grave.] 
[After a bit of searching for the dreamcatcher, Ray sees Ellery; runs and jumps on top of him. Ellery's of a large build and it takes quite some time and grunting for this action to knock him down, into the grave] 
Ellery: Geez. Oof. Aw. Hey, man, whatever you want, my money, my wallet, it's yours. 
Ray: [pulls gun on him, after a bit of manoeuvring, cause they're squashed in there] You remember me? Oh yeah, you remember. Little kid in the bank.  1974. Oh yeah, you remember. Kid wet himself. Tell me you remember. 
Ellery: Hey, what the hell's happening? 
[bad eclipse graphics are happening] 
Ray: It's an eclipse. I don't believe this. You don't remember me. 
Ellery: Hey, kid. I've robbed a lot of banks, and I've spent a lot of time in jail. I don't have much of a memory about anything. 
Ray: I spent my entire life looking for you! Looking for some payback, some revenge, maybe even... kill you, and... now I get you face to face, and... I can't even see your face. 
Ellery: Hey, you do what you gotta do, man. I just came here to say goodbye to my mother. 
Ray: Ah. Mother. Huh. Okay. You can go now. 
Ellery: You're letting me go? 
Ray: Yeah. Thanks. 
Ellery: For what? 
Ray: For making me what I am. A cop. 
[more bad eclipse graphics -- the sun's starting to come out] 
Fraser: Ray? [bumps into gravestone] I'm terribly sorry. Pardon me. Ray? [bumps into another one] Argh. 
[sun comes out; Ray's lying alone in the grave] 
Ray: He overpowered me. Ran away. 
Fraser: Are you all right? 
Ray: I'm good. [throws dreamcatcher out] 
Fraser: Well, we really should, uh.... 
Ray: Face the music. 
[Fraser helps him out, and falls into the grave as Ray walks away] 
Fraser: Ray. Ray? 
Diefenbaker: Hrr. 
Fraser: Give me a paw, Dief. 
[27th district] 
Welsh: He's gonna show. He'll show. 
[Fraser and Ray march in, past many onlookers. Ray goes into Welsh's office, with a thumbed-nose-salute to Welsh] 
[Welsh's office] 
Hallett: Ten kilos! Street-grade heroin. Down to one kilo. Where'd it go? 
Ray: You tell me. 
Hallett: You a hard guy. Huh? Chicago hard guy. 
Ray: Your words. 
Hallett: You recognise this? 
Ray: Evidence log. 
Brandau: Is that your signature? 
Ray: Looks like it. 
Hallett: And is that a ten? 
Ray: No. 
Brandau: We're not playing games here, Vecchio. Unless ten years in the big house is your idea of fun! 
Ray: Are you guys really bozos or you just pretend to be bozos? 
Hallett: You wanna repeat that? 
Ray: It's not a ten! It's a one, with a happy face. You know, happy day, bad guys off the street. Here, let me show you. What's this number? 
Hallett: Three hundred and sixty. 
Ray: No, it's not, it's a thirty-six... with a happy face. See? See? Do it all the time. 
Brandau: You-you want us to check through all the records? 
Ray: Go ahead, knock yourselves out. Or, we can cut to the chase. This whole station is shivering on the word of some apple-polisher I've never even met. Come on, put me in a line-up. Siracusa can pick me out, I'm good to go, you book me a room in the big house. If he can't, you can pack up your little circus and go home. Deal? Deal? 
[line-up] 
Brandau: Give us Vecchio. 
Hallett: Come on, Siracusa. 
Siracusa: Number three. 
Welsh: Number three, please step forward. 
[It's not Vecchio. Or Kowalski, for that matter.] 
Welsh: Your brother was nothing but a criminal, and I stand by my detectives. 
[hallway of the district] 
[Welsh steps out, looks around, walks along past numerous onlookers. Then turns around and gives a thumbs-up. Everyone bursts into cheers and high fives, except for Fraser who's jubilant enough to permit himself a smile.] 
[27th district] 
[The waiters from earlier are serving; "Blast from the Past" is playing; everyone's wearing party hats; Ray has his at the nape of his neck] 
Ray: So this is a traditional Yukon celebration. 
Fraser: It's a fair approximation. Without the snow, of course. 
Elaine: [to Welsh] You all right? 
Welsh: Oh yeah. Yeah. [stares at trout in bowl] 
Elaine: Gentlemen. 
Ray: Huey, I don't think so. 
Huey: I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. [tries to kickbox cabbage] Aaargh! [falls on his back] 
Fraser: Party's going rather well, I think. 
Ray: Oh yeah? You know, Fraser. [appears to step on Huey, who groans] That was weird, seeing Ellery. 
Fraser: Yeah, I should imagine. 
Ray: I mean, that guy dogged me my entire life, and now it's like, uh, the sky opened up or something. I dunno. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, my father once told me that the sky isn't just above you, that if you look at the horizon you'll see that it actually touches the 
ground. So if you think about it, wherever you go you are actually walking in the sky. 
Ray: You're a freak. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Welsh is bobbing for trout as Elaine watches on] 
Welsh: [surfacing] Ooh. It's a lot harder than it looks. [plunges back in]

End of Eclipse
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I Coulda Been a Defendant
aka Brothers in Arms

[Walking down street. Fraser doing good deeds] 
Ray: Fraser. . . 
Driver: Thank you. 
Ray: Come on. You got to do that for everyone? 
[Fraser spoils shot of news reporter is filming report] 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
[More good deeds] 
[Woman standing in line at ATM admonishes older son, drops her bank card; man – Bruce - picks it up and gives it to her] 
Ray [mutters]: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. . . [shouts] Fraser! Come on! 
[Younger son starts to run across street] 
Mother: Billy! 
[Bruce pulls boy back just in time] 
Ray [to driver of car]: Chicago PD! Step out of the car. Step out! 
Fraser: Are you all right, son? 
Reporter: What happened? 
Mother: He saved my boy's life. 
Fraser: You, sir, are you all right? 
Bruce [notices he's stepped in gum]: Me? I- I- I'm okay. 
Ray: Anybody hurt? 
Fraser: No, Ray, everyone seems to be all right thanks to the quick thinking of, ah, 
Ray: Okay, where'd he go? 
Fraser: I have no idea. 
Reporter: Well we have to find him. 
Ray: Why? 
Reporter: Because the guy's a hero. 
Fraser: She has a point, Ray. Historically, communities created myths to act as a mirror to themselves, from Glooscap, great hunter of the Meegamaage, to George Steinbrenner, who I'm told is a symbol of a sensitive and caring New York. 
Reporter: Well, can you find him? 
[Fraser notices gum on sidewalk where Bruce was standing, picks it up, tastes it] 
Ray: Aww. . . 
Fraser: Possibly. 
Ray: Look, Fraser, I don't have time for this. The day's gettin' away from me. What are you doing? 
Fraser: Just one second, Ray. 
Ray: One sec. . . what? 
Fraser: He came from this direction. . . [stops at ATM, picks up something from sidewalk, tastes it, then the gum again] 
Ray: Haven't you tasted enough garbage for one day? 
Reporter: Ugh. . . 
Fraser: There might be something here to identify. . . Ah, yes. One of these will be his ATM receipt. 
Reporter: How do you know that? 
Fraser: Well, from the gum. You see, he deposited this [hold up first wad] over there. I think he must have picked it up here when he was taking his money out. 
Reporter: Yeah, but how do you know which slip is his? 
Fraser: Well, there were 3 transactions at the time of the incident. One of these will be his. And the bank will have his name and his address. 
Ray: Look, they're not going to give it to us, not without a warrant. 
Reporter: They'll give it to me. I've got a camera. 
[Bruce's apartment; knock] 
Ray: Police, Mr. Talbot. Would you open up a minute?. . . You're not in any trouble. We just want to thank you for saving the kid. . . 
Bruce: Just a minute. . . [uses fire escape] 
Ray: You all right in there? 
[Dief draws Fraser's attention to window] 
Fraser: Ray. . . 
[Chase; Fraser lands in convertible] 
Fraser: Ma'am. 
Woman: Don't tell me you're Capricorn. 
Fraser: Sorry, ma'am, no. Canadian. 
Woman: Oh, that's great. I'm Albanian. 
Fraser: That's nice. I wonder if you could do me a favor by flattening that accelerator and getting us to the end of the alley as quickly as possible. 
Woman: Anything you want, good looking. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Bruce is hit by a car while running across street; lies stunned on sidewalk] 
Fraser: Are you all right, sir?. . . Are you all right? 
Ray: Just take it easy, take it easy [sees gun; pulls his own] Gun! Don't move! Spread 'em! Hands away from the body! 
Bruce: Don't. Don't. This is a mistake. 
Ray: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be. . . 
Fraser: Appointed to you. 
Ray: Appointed to you - for free. Hands away from the body! What are you, deaf? 
[Interrogation room] 
Bruce: This is a mistake. This is really a big mistake. This is just a mistake. 
Ray: Shut up. 
Bruce: But I didn't do anything. 
Ray: Oh, you didn't? Oh, well, then, we screwed up. You're free to go. 
Bruce: Really? 
Ray: Sit down! 
Bruce: But I didn't do anything. 
Ray: Oh, I'm sure you didn't. In fact, if you hump this job long enough, you discover very few criminals ever actually commit a crime. You know, just the other day I find this guy standing over a dead body, smokin' gun in his hand, marked bills in his pocket. Guess what? He didn't do it either! 
Bruce: What are you talking about? 
Ray: What you didn't do! Do you want to start with the gun or do you want to start with these? [pulls out stack of id's] 
Bruce: No, you don't understand. You really don't understand. 
Ray: No, I don't understand. So why don't you tell me why an honest guy like you is running around Chicago with more names than the phone book, carrying a loaded piece? 
Bruce: I have a permit for that gun. 
Ray: Under what name? Mr. Talbot. Mr. Hughes. Mr. Jackson. Dr. Walnut? 
Bruce: I can't be on television. Not on television. 
Ray: I repeat myself when under stress. I repeat myself when under stress. This is America, pal. Everybody wants to be on television. 
Bruce: But I can't be on television. Not on television. 
[Observation room; Dief whines] 
Fraser: I agree. 
[Interrogation room] 
Ray: I tell you what. I'm not going to waste any more of your valuable time. I'm going to take you right down to a nice little holding cell and you can spend the night there. We can do this all again tomorrow. . . 
[Fraser knocks on glass; Ray picks up phone] 
Ray: Fraser, can you not do that? It sort of gives it away. 
[Observation room] 
Fraser: Something's not right. 
Ray: Yeah, he's nuts. 
Fraser: No, he's frightened. 
Ray: Course, he's frightened. That's me. That's my thing. On the inside I'm a poet. Outside, ummm! Shake, bad guys, shake. 
Fraser: Hmm. . . Does he seem like a bad guy to you? 
Ray: He's polite. Big deal. I mean, Jack the Ripper was polite. 
Fraser: I'd like to talk to him. 
Ray: Torture. . . That's a good idea. I never thought of that. 
Fraser: That's - that's very funny, Ray. 
Ray: Polite cop, bad cop. . . It might work. . . 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh [on phone]: Yes, sir, yes, sir. . . [covers mouthpiece]. . . Three bags full, sir. . . [resumes conversation]. . . Oh, yes, sir, we'll cooperate fully. . . Well, sir, I wasn't aware they were in the building. . . Yes, sir, I'll take care of it. [ends call]. . . Vecchio! 
Elaine: Lieutenant, there's some guy from Justice on the line for you. 
Welsh: Park him. . . Vecchio! [finds him at water fountain]. . . Don't move. Don't move. 
[Outer office] 
Desk sergeant: No, no, no, no! I told you. I cannot give you any information about this - 
Welsh [to reporters]: Sit! 
Desk sergeant: No way! 
Welsh: Go on, sit down. . . Stay. . . [returns to Ray]. . . My office! 
[Interrogation room] 
Fraser: That's an interesting pattern. 
Bruce: It's a rhomboid. 
Fraser: So it is. 
Bruce: I like to make different size sides and then try and figure out how many I can get into a fixed space, something determinate with few variables. I like to do that. I like your dog. He seems like a nice dog. Is he a nice dog? 
Fraser: He's half wolf, actually. 
Bruce: Ah. A wolf. A wolf. Howling wolf. Are they good friends, howling wolves? 
Fraser: Loyal companions. . . You know, that was a very admirable thing you did today. Very courageous. 
Bruce: Stupid. Very stupid. 
Fraser: You saved a boy's life. Would you change that? 
Bruce: No. No. I like kids. Kids are great. I like kids. I don't like TV, TV guys. I can't be on TV. I don't. . . That's a concern. 
Fraser: The police are concerned about your forged documents and the weapon. You don't want to talk about that? 
Bruce: No, I don't. I don't. I really don't. 
Fraser: You mind if I try? 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Well let's see if I got this right. A guy saves a kid's life and to show our gratitude we go to his house, knock down his door, cuff him, drag him here, and grill the snot out of him. 
Ray: The guy had a gun. 
Welsh: Well, he had a gun. Here in Chicago a man had a gun. Oh, what is this world coming to? 
[knock] 
Elaine: That guy from Justice is on the line again. 
Welsh: I said, park him. . . Look, you arrested a good Samaritan in front of a camera crew. Now, when the media sees it, they get very excited. And when they get excited, Commander Murphy gets excited. When Murphy gets excited, I get piles. Now I want that guy and the media out of the building asap. Do we understand each other? 
Ray: We gotta ID him. 
Welsh: All right, if he's Jimmy Hoffa, keep him. Anybody else, set him free. 
[Interrogation room] 
Bruce: So it's not that complicated, you see. It's just a wave of possibilities that collapses to a probability, then you can say, I observe this. That which we call reality. Do you have a mother and a father? 
Fraser: No. They're both dead. 
Bruce: Like me. Dead. Both of them. Dead. Dead. Sister? 
Fraser: No. I was an only child. Although, you know, I had a best friend in the village where I grew up. 
Bruce: Best friend, huh? Was he like your brother? So he took care of you, looked after you, like he was your brother? Was he like your brother? 
Fraser: Yes, he was. 
Bruce: Name? 
Fraser: Innusiq. 
Bruce: Spell that. Spell that, please. 
Fraser: I-N-N-U-S - 
[knock on glass] 
Fraser: S-I-Q. I'll be right back. 
[Squad room] 
Ray: Why is Welsh giving me all this chin music about this guy? I don't get that. 
Elaine: Hi, guys. Are you coming tomorrow? 
Ray: Tomorrow, what? 
Fraser: Ray! Tomorrow Elaine graduates as a new police officer, and as veterans it is our responsibility to be there and offer her our support. 
Elaine: Oh, and here comes my new replacement now. 
Ray: I am going to pass a bullet through my brain. 
Francesca: Not that I object to that, but thanks for the vote of confidence there, bro. 
Elaine: She was the best candidate for the job, Ray. 
Ray: She's going to be in the same office as me every day? In the same office every day? 
Francesca: He's intimidated by my presence. 
Elaine: Hmm. Very intimidated. 
Ray: I'm intimidated? 
Fraser: It would appear you're intimidated. 
Ray: This is just not going to work out. 
Francesca: It's already worked out. [walks away with Elaine] Okay, so alphabetical order just means the alphabet. . . 
Ray: I'm doomed. 
Fraser: I don't understand this, Ray. I thought you liked Francesca. 
Ray: Are you from another planet, Fraser? 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of. 
Ray: Of course I like her. That's why I'm doomed. I got to work with her in the same office every day and pretend like she's my sister? 
Fraser: This makes no sense, Ray. All women are our sisters. 
Uniformed cop: Someone here to see you. . . 
Kevin: Hi. Kevin Spender, deputy director of Justice. I understand you've got a man in here they're calling the Samaritan? I'd like you to cut him loose. 
Ray: Look, just cause you're from Justice, Kevin, doesn't mean you can waltz in here and - 
Kevin: I know this is your jurisdiction. I'm not trying to step on any toes. But this man is a protected federal witness. Any public exposure could risk his life. I'd like to talk to him if I could. 
[Interrogation room] 
Ray: Dr. Walnut? Someone here to see you. 
Bruce: Oh, I knew you'd come. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. 
Kevin: What happened to you? 
Bruce: An accident. 
[Observation room] 
Fraser: They have a right to their privacy. 
[Interrogation room] 
Kevin: . . . you know that. 
Bruce: Yeah. I'm sorry. 
Kevin: Whose dog is that? 
Bruce: Oh, it's a friend. 
Kevin: I'm tired, Bruce. 
Bruce: Yeah, you're tired. But you work hard. You work hard. You work hard. I'm sorry. 
Kevin: Can you give the origami a rest? 
Bruce: It's not origami. It's combinatorix. 
Kevin: Okay. Combinatorix. 
[Squad room] 
Welsh: Deputy Director Spender? 
Kevin: Yes. 
Welsh: Harding Welsh, lieutenant Chicago PD. What have we got here? 
Kevin: A protected federal witness. You've got a camera crew back there. I'd appreciate it if you could get rid of them. 
Welsh: Oh, it would be my pleasure. Can I ask you why a deputy director from Justice is so interested in a stoolie? 
Kevin: Yeah, you can ask me. He's my brother. 
[Squad room; local news on TV shows Bruce's arrest] 
Elaine: Hey, hey, look, Fraser, Ray! You guys hit the big time! 
Francesca: Oh my God! 
[Kevin turns TV off] 
Kevin: For seven years he's been dead to the world, never had any problem. Five minutes after you guys get a hold of him, his face is on national TV. Why didn't you just stick a target right to his forehead? 
Ray: Two magic words. Witness protection. Why didn't he use them? 
Kevin: For security reasons I told him never to do that. 
Ray: You rank that up there with one of your good ideas? 
Welsh: You're a little out of line, Detective. 
Fraser: Sir, I wonder if I might ask a question? 
Kevin: Sure, if you can tell me how a Mountie fits into this. 
Fraser: My name is Constable Benton Fraser - 
Welsh: He originally came to Chicago on the trail of his father's killer - 
Ray: And for a whole bunch of reasons he decided to stick around - 
Fraser: Attached as liaison to the Canadian Consulate. 
Kevin: What I meant was, what possible interest would a Canadian have in this? 
Fraser: Nothing official, sir, beyond an ongoing interest in universal justice. No, what I was curious was what we might plan by way of protection - 
Kevin: Well, for starters, we aren't planning anything. It's my brother, my responsibility. Some things never change. Now I'd like to confer with Lieutenant Welsh. If you don't mind, I'd like to do that in private. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Leaving squad room] 
Ray: Confer with you? What is that? What kind of talk is that? Confer with your own suit, you federal jackass. That guy sucks. 
Fraser: Well, you know, Ray, he's probably got reasons for privacy. I mean, after all, we were the cause of the problem. 
Ray: Well maybe we made a mistake, maybe we didn't. But one thing I know. I hate when somebody tells me to go to my room right when I'm in the middle of something. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, I may not share your motivations, but in this situation. . . 
[Entering squad room, Elaine's desk] 
Fraser: . . . information. Your efforts are greatly appreciated. 
Elaine: Don't thank me, Fraser. 
Francesca: Okay. Okay, I can do this. . . 
Elaine: . . . I know. Okay, Bruce Spender. Here we go. Spender, Bruce. Died October 8, 1992. No next of kin. No services. Body burned beyond recognition. 
Fraser: U.S. marshals faked his death. Is that standard procedure? 
Ray: No, no, no. This guy got the deluxe package. Who'd he rat on? 
Elaine: It was robbery. Armored car. Four were arrested. Spender turned state's evidence on the other three. Dustin Mahoney, Michael Johnson, and Elliot Wells. 
Fraser: Do you have any information on them? 
Elaine: Hard copy? 
Fraser: Please. 
Francesca: Okay, okay. I can do this. . . Okay. . . Hard copy. . . Okay. . . I know, I know. . . A-ha! I told you I could do this. 
Fraser: You are a natural. 
Francesca: Thank you, Fraser. 
Elaine: That's Mahoney. Suspected of numerous armed robberies. This was his only conviction. Released a year ago for good behavior. They think maybe he killed another con when he was in prison. 
Fraser: That's good behavior? 
Francesca: Well, it's all relative. I mean, if the con was Jeffrey Dahlmer, pffft. . . 
Elaine: Michael Johnson escaped from Leavenworth three years after he went in. Suspect in a gun store robbery in Louisville four months ago. 
Ray: Great. So 2 out of 2 are on the street. 
Elaine: Make that 3 for 3. Elliot Wells, paroled six months ago on the robbery. Arrested a couple of weeks ago for holding up a gas station. Jumped bail. He's on the loose. 
Ray: Well, that's great. Three guys on the street. Motive. Method. This boy's in a deep hole. 
Kevin: Yes, he is. My brother's safety is my first priority. I'd like to get him out of the state by sundown. 
Fraser: Is that really necessary, sir? I mean, after all, this is a police station. One would think we'd be able - 
Kevin: No slight intended, Constable, but police stations are like a sieve, and these boys are nothing if they're not resourceful. I'd like some of your men to assist me. 
Ray: Assist you. What does that mean? Assist you. 
Welsh: It means exactly what he says. I want you to give Deputy Director Spender all the assistance he needs. 
Kevin: Do you have a secure phone? 
Elaine: Yeah, right this way. 
Ray: Do you got a secure phone. I don't like Kevin. 
Francesca: I don't like him either. I mean, it's never really been my personal ambition to make friends with stuffed-shirt, uptight kind of people, you know. If that's the usual trade that you have around. . . here. . . 
[Welsh's office] 
Fraser: Hi. You all right? 
Bruce: Oh, yeah. I'm okay. Fine. 
Fraser: Nice to see your brother. 
Bruce: Yeah. Long time. 
Kevin: Bruce? Bruce? Got to get moving. . . 
[Huey checks out back] 
Ray [radio]: Huey? 
Huey [radio]: Looks good. 
Ray [radio]: Team one, go. 
[Decoy 1 leaves the back] 
Kevin: Check. 
Ray [radio]: Team two, go. 
[Decoy 2 leaves the front] 
Kevin: Ready. 
Ray [radio]: Got anything yet? 
Voice [radio]: Operation is secure. 
Ray: So far, so good. 
Voice [radio]: All clear. 
Ray [radio]: How we doing, guys? 
Voice [radio]: West entrance clear. 
Voice [radio]: North entrance clear. 
Kevin: Give the signal. 
Ray [radio]: Send the dummy cars out. Wait to see if anyone follows. Keep all the entrances tight. After those cars leave, no one gets in or out, okay? 
Voice [radio]: Perimeter's clear. Operation's a go. 
Kevin: All right. Let's make the transfer. 
Ray: Hang on a second. All my men are covering the entrances. 
Kevin: That's where they should be. 
Ray: There's no cover here. 
Kevin: We won't need it. Let's just do it, okay? 
Ray [radio]: Okay, send up the transfer car. 
Voice [radio]: Transfer car, on its way. 
Bruce: I'm, uh, I'm kind of scared, Kev. 
Kevin: I am, too. . . You ready? 
Bruce: Yep. 
Ray: Who'd you call? 
Kevin: Airport. Let them know we're on our way. Not that you need to know. 
Ray: Let's get it on. 
Kevin: All right. Let's get in the back seat. 
Ray: Down! [radio] Go! Go! Go! Everybody, ground zero! Snipers! 
Kevin: Where the hell are they? 
Ray: One of those six buildings over there. Let's get him the hell out of here! 
Kevin: Too risky! 
Ray: Oh, yeah, like this isn't? Come on, come on, come on, come on! 
Bruce: Kevin! 
Ray: Bruce! Get in! 
Bruce: Kevin! 
[Hallway - squad room - Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Forensics is at the crime scene. When they get something, they'll send it right up. 
Kevin: Can you give this the blue ribbon treatment? 
Welsh: You got it, from top to bottom. 
Kevin: As for Vecchio, I want him brought up on charges. 
Welsh: Oh, and what charge would that be? Saving your brother's life? 
Kevin: Well, kidnapping for a start. We'll see what else shakes out. 
Welsh: That's ridiculous. 
Kevin: Oh, you think I'm ridiculous, huh? Well, let me tell you what I think. I think someone in your department set my brother up. 
Welsh: Impossible. I know this department. They're all good men. 
Kevin: Good men who haven't even bothered to check in. 
Welsh: Ahh, don't worry. They'll check in. 
Kevin: Let me make myself perfectly clear, Lieutenant. The only reason I haven't brought in Justice and the Bureau is because I have some respect for you. But this is personal. This is my brother. I would go to the mat for him just like you would do for yours. Full bore. Do we understand each other? 
Welsh: Yeah, I think we do. 
[Apartment] 
Fraser: How many assailants were there? 
Ray: Hard to tell. I mean, there were shooters everywhere. You know what that's like. You hunker. 
Fraser: And they were disguised? 
Ray: Yeah, in disguises. By the size and build, I figured one of them to be Johnson, the other one to be Mahoney. I mean, these guys were good. They had us pegged. They were right inside us. I mean, they want him bad. 
Fraser: Hmm. 
Ray: Does that figure to you, Fraser? 
Fraser: Does what figure to me? 
Ray: That he masterminded the heist. Cause when I look at him, what does not come to mind is arch criminal. I mean, the guy can barely tie his shoes. 
Bruce: The bank had three entrances. The doors were controlled after business hours by a central computer on relay. Well, that bypass was easy. The vault codes were logged in sequence through two networks. It took me months to sort through the algorithms but once I found the key it was just a matter of refining the sequence and bypassing the time clocks. Everything was planned with precision and detail. The operation was undertaken and completed in precisely 27 minutes and 13 seconds. . . And I can tie my shoes. 
[knock] 
Francesca: Hi, Frase. 
Fraser: Francesca. 
Ray: Were you followed? 
Francesca: I don't know. People follow me all the time. I have an allure. 
Ray: That's not what I asked. I was asking more along the line of police work. 
Francesca: You mean, like, criminals? No! Nobody followed me. Okay, so I have the background files. And a report that came in from Dallas. A guy named John Michaels was picked up for knocking flat a convenience store. 
Ray: Knocking over. 
Francesca: Over, flat, down, sideways, God! Anyway, they ran his prints and John Michaels is Michael Johnson. 
Ray: So that makes Eliot Wells and Dustin Mahoney the shooters. 
Fraser: That would seem likely. Bruce, I'm curious. Your plan was very meticulous, wasn't it? 
Bruce: Yes, it was a very good plan. Very graceful. Very good plan. 
Fraser: Until someone told the police where you were hiding out. 
Bruce: But I didn't tell. I didn't tell. 
Francesca: You testified against them. 
Bruce: Yes, I testified, but I didn't tell. 
Fraser: And now they want to kill you. 
Ray: Somethin's queer. 
Fraser: What? 
Ray: I don't know. Somethin's queer. Just move it. . . I could do that. I choose not to. 
[Hallway] 
Ray: What is it? 
Fraser: Two men just entered the building. 
Francesca: Well, they didn't follow me. . . 
Fraser: That may be true but I believe that one of them just put a 32-round clip into a machine pistol. A Mach 10, if I'm hearing the mechanism correctly. Back stairs. 
Ray: Go, go, go. 
[Other end of hallway] 
Ray: More? 
Fraser: I can't tell about their weapon. Roof. 
Francesca: Okay, so maybe I was followed, but if people were running around, sneaking and hiding, how the hell am I supposed to hear them? 
Ray: After you. 
Francesca: Yeah. You wish. 
Ray: Okay. 
[Elaine's apartment; phone rings] 
Elaine: Hello?. . . Fraser, is that you? Are you all right? 
Fraser: Yes, thank you, Elaine. 
Elaine: What's going on? 
Fraser: Did you find out any more about the bank robbers? 
Elaine: I ran a search on all Spender's accomplices. A guy got killed in Denver last month with one of Mahoney's aliases. I had the Denver PD compare his prints to Mahoney's. They matched. 
Fraser [to Ray]: Mahoney's dead. 
Ray: That just leaves Wells. 
Elaine: I got nothing on Wells. I could go back to the station, you know, keep digging. 
Fraser: No, Elaine, you've got your graduation tomorrow. . . 
Elaine: I'm all set. Uniform fits. You know, I'm going to go back in. I'll call you if I come up with anything. Oh, and Fraser, just so you know. Welsh was in his office holed up waiting for the phone to ring when I left. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[Welsh's office] 
Kevin: Three hours and not a word. Is that how things usually work in this department, lieutenant? 
Welsh: Not ordinarily. They gotta have a reason. 
Kevin: Well, I can't wait around to hear it. I'm moving now. 
Huey: I got Fraser on line one. 
Welsh: Where the hell are you, Constable? 
Fraser: We're all right, sir, for the moment. 
Welsh: Well you pick a location, we'll meet. 
Fraser: Well, I'm not entirely sure that would be safe. 
Welsh: Well, I'm not entirely sure what you're doing is any better. 
Fraser: You may be right, sir, but I think in a situation like this the fewer people that know, the better. 
Kevin: This is Deputy Director Spender, Constable. I appreciate your efforts and I'm willing to believe you think you're doing the right thing, but I want my brother and I want him now! If you keep getting in my way, I'll hit you with obstruction charges so hard it'll kill your entire family! 
Welsh: Great move, Spender. What do we do now? 
[Ray's car] 
Bruce: Kevin's mad? 
Fraser: Umm-hmm. 
Bruce: He's just worried about me. He's just worried about me. 
Fraser: It would seem so. 
Ray: So? 
Fraser: They want to talk. 
Ray: Yeah, I bet they do. Look, I don't like this. Where's this safe house you got in mind? 
Francesca: Yeah, what are the sleeping arrangements, Frase? 
Fraser: Fairly rudimentary. The place I'm considering has no heat. 
Francesca: Oh, so, I guess I'll have to curl up to something really warm then, won't I? 
Ray: And you're going to get it, Frannie. It's a little place called home. 
[Empty apartment] 
Ray: Oh, nice place. 
Fraser: It was Constable Turnbull's but he decided he didn't need anything quite so fancy. 
Ray: Oh, so where does he live now? A cardboard box? 
Fraser: Uh-huh. A very nice one, though. . . I see you've had some experience with bedrolls. 
Bruce: Well, I was a scout. 
Fraser: Really? So was I. Mind you, our troop was very small. It was just me, my friend Innusiq, and his sister Joon. 
Bruce: A girl? A girl was in boy scouts? 
Fraser: Well, you know, you can't really have a troop with only two boys, and she had very short hair, so - 
Ray: I got short hair. 
Fraser: Well, we're lucky. We have a troop. 
Ray: Woo-hoo! 
Bruce: Will I have to go to jail? 
Ray: No, no, no, no, no. You got some big guns on your side. A DD from the Justice Department? That carries a lot of weight. 
Bruce: Yeah, I know, I know. Kevin's always been there. 
Fraser: He has, hasn't he? Right from the beginning. 
Bruce: Yeah, right from the beginning. 
Fraser: Well, troop, it's time to tuck in. 
Ray: Oh, come on, Fraser, we don't really have to sleep on the floor, do we? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray: Look, I do this, I want a badge. A tuck-in-on-the-floor-I-hurt-my-back badge. 
Fraser: I'll get you one. 
Ray: Okay. 
Fraser: A-ke-la we'll do our best. We'll dib-dib-dib. . . 
Bruce: We'll dob-dob-dob. . . 
[Morning; phone rings; Ray struggles to find it] 
Ray: Got it!. . . Yeah? 
Elaine: Good morning, Ray. 
Ray: Yeah, if you say so. . . Right. On my way. . . [to others]. . . Motel clerk recognized a mug shot of Elliot Wells. 
Fraser: Excellent. 
Ray: You better watch him. I'll give you a call when we wrap up. 
[Apartment] 
Fraser: In the end, Innusiq and I both earned our cooking badge, but Joon - she never did. That poor girl, she couldn't boil a pot of water if the future of western civilization depended on it. 
[phone rings] 
Fraser: Hello, this is Detective Vecchio's cellular telephone, Constable Benton Fraser answering. 
Ray: Hello is enough, Fraser. 
Fraser: Right. 
Ray: We got the guy but he doesn't look good for the shootings. He spent the whole night with a hooker. And that call I told you about? Elaine checked with the airport guys? They never heard anything. 
Fraser: So that confirms it, then. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Fraser: All right. Thank you, Ray. 
Ray: Yeah. 
Bruce: Everything okay? 
Fraser: Yeah. . . So tell me, was Kevin a scout also? 
Bruce: Oh, no, no, not Kevin, no. He was always looking after things, though. And he looked after me. He did. Even when things got ugly, he looked after me, he did. 
Fraser: And did things get ugly? 
Bruce: Yeah. We'd move. We moved around. And there were people sometimes who were ugly, yeah. And I don't mean here [points to mouth]. I mean here [points to heart]. And sometimes, well, one time, one time I. . . I miss Kevin. 
Fraser: One time what, Bruce? 
Bruce: We just moved. New place, new town, new everything. We were in a gang, boys in a gang, and they didn't like me. And Kevin knew it. And the leader of the gang, his brother always wanted a boomerang. Humm? Can you imagine that? 
Fraser: Yeah, I can. I always wanted a bola. 
Bruce: Yeah, yeah. Same thing. Same thing, yeah. Well, Kevin found a boomerang, found it in a closet, and he gave it to me so the other guys would like me. A beautiful boomerang. But the leader's brother wanted it so we had to fight for it. 
Fraser: You had to fight because that was the code of the gang? 
Bruce: Yeah. Kevin didn't like it. Didn't like it at all. But I had to stand on my own two feet. I had to. But I couldn't. And I disappointed him. I did cause I got hit. I got hit a lot. And I lost. And I lost it. I lost my boomerang Kevin gave me. 
Fraser: You say he found it in a closet? 
Bruce: Yeah. Fancy boomerang. Found it. Found it in a closet. 
Fraser: It was made of wood? 
Bruce: Yeah. Beautiful, beautiful wood. 
Fraser [holds out wooden coat hanger]: Did it look sort of like this? 
Bruce: Sort of. 
Fraser [removes metal hook]: More like this, then. 
Bruce: Just like that, yeah. 
Fraser: Bruce, I think that Kevin has been lying to you, and I think he's very worried that someone might tell. 
Bruce: Tell what? 
Fraser: That the robbery was his idea. 
Bruce: No. It was mine. It was my plan. 
Fraser: It was your plan, but it was his idea, wasn't it? 
Bruce: Kevin would never hurt me. He would never hurt me. 
Fraser: How do you know? 
Bruce: I can ask him. 
Fraser: I think you should. 
[Welsh, Kevin, and three other men meet Ray, Fraser, and Bruce] 
Kevin: I understand you have a question. 
Bruce: No, no, Kevin. . . Yeah, I do. 
Kevin: So hit me. 
Bruce: Yeah. Yeah. That's the question. Do you remember the boomerang? 
Kevin: The what? 
Bruce: The boomerang. Do you remember the boomerang? 
Kevin: What about it? 
Bruce: Was it a boomerang? 
Kevin: What are you asking? 
Bruce: Was it a boomerang? 
Kevin: Bruce, in six days I stand before the Senate. The Senate of the United States of America. 
Bruce: It wasn't a boomerang? 
Kevin: I am talking about a directorship. Don't you understand that? 
Bruce: Will they ask about me? They'll ask about me and you won't know what to say? 
Kevin: I can't take care of you any more. 
Bruce: You can say that you're my brother and that you love me. You can say that. Just say that you love me. 
Kevin: They'll find out about the robbery. You'll tell them. You won't be able to help yourself. And I will lose everything that I have worked for. I can't let that happen, Bruce. I do love you. Just get in the car and we'll work it out. 
Bruce: No, Kevin, I can't do that. 
Fraser [to Dief]: Go! 
Kevin: Bruce, get in the car now. 
Bruce: No. 
[Dief knocks Kevin down; gunfight ensues] 
Welsh: Why'd you pick this place? 
Fraser: Well, I thought Kevin would be more forthcoming if he thought he had the upper hand. 
Ray: It worked great but they do have the upper hand! 
Fraser: Not for long. . . Bruce, you all right? 
Ray: Reloading! Two at 12 o'clock! 
Welsh: I got 'em! 
Ray: Three at 1 o'clock. . . 
Fraser: Ray. . . 
Ray: Four at 5 o'clock. . . 
Fraser: Ray. . . 
Ray: Oh, man. . . 
Fraser: We just have to get over this hill. 
Ray: Okay, that's it. Cheque please! 
[Graduation ceremony] 
Academy Director: All of you have worked hard to make the grade. But I know it's been worth it. Now you take on the satisfaction of knowing that you are among Chicago's very. . . [faint gunfire] . . . finest. This is only the beginning. Now you take on the responsibilities and duties of police officers and . . . [more gunfire] . . . Your friends seem to be celebrating already with firecrackers. 
Elaine: Excuse me, sir. 
Director: Sit down. You'll get to come up in a minute. . . [and more] . . . I said, sit down. 
Elaine: But gunfire, sir. I think officers are in trouble. 
Director: In the middle of my speech? Don't be ridiculous. Now, if you want to graduate, sit down. 
[Hillside] 
Fraser: We're just about there. 
Welsh: You guys get going! We'll cover you! 
Fraser: You ready? 
Bruce: Yeah. 
Fraser: Let's go. 
Welsh: Hey, calvary's comin'. It's just like the movies. 
[Kevin runs; Fraser chases] 
Elaine [arrests one man]: Okay, scumball! 
Director: Don't forget to check for an ankle holster. 
Elaine: Yes, sir! 
Director: What do you do as soon as the suspect is controlled? 
Elaine: Read him his Miranda rights, sir! 
Director: Good, good. Excellent, excellent. 
Ray [gets another one]: Drop your weapon! Drop it or I will put a bullet right through your head! Drop the gun! On your knees, on your knees! Hands behind your back! 
Director: Very good. All right, now. What do we do after we control the suspect? 
Ray: Uh. . . kick 'im in the head? 
[Kevin pulls gun on Fraser] 
Bruce: Kevin. . . [pulls gun on Kevin] 
[Academy] 
Director: Elaine Besbriss. Congratulations, Elaine, you're one of the first cadets to graduate with an arrest already under your belt. Let's hope it's the first of many. 
Elaine: Thank you, sir. 
Director: You're welcome. 
Fraser: You know, Elaine, my graduation marked the beginning of one of the most exciting periods of my career. I received my first posting. It was to a very remote community perched on the edge of an - 
Ray: Ice flow. Look, love you like a brother, Fraser, but let's not hear about that right now. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: So, you're gone, Elaine. I'm never going to find another file. Who's going to transfer the calls? Hey, who's going to order the pizza. . .? 
Elaine: I'm sure Francesca will work out fine. 
Ray: Oh, no, no, no. She belongs on the Home Shopping Network, not at a police station. 
Fraser [to Welsh]: How did it go? 
Welsh: Well, Bruce will have to go to Washington to answer some questions about Kevin. After that, he's free to go wherever he chooses. 
Fraser: Would you excuse us?. . . Where are you going to go? 
Bruce: I don't know. 
Fraser: You don't want to stay in Chicago? 
Bruce: No, no. I don't think so. 
Fraser: I understand. 
Bruce: You know, maybe when I'm in Chicago, I could come and play with your dog sometime. 
Fraser: Yes. Any time. 
Bruce: Okay. 

End of I Coulda Been a Defendant
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Strange Bedfellows

[Fraser's office at the Consulate. Fraser, Thatcher and psychiatrist present. Administering a Rorschach test to Fraser.] 
Fraser: A criminal. 
Dr.: Good. Now this one? 
Fraser: An officer of the law. 
Dr.: I see. And this one? 
Fraser: Justice 
Thatcher: Justice? I see three moths. How do you get Justice from three moths? 
Fraser: Well, I could be wrong, Sir, but I took these two swirls... 
Dr.: Uh, there is no right or wrong, Constable, these are merely indicators of an internal state. 
[Chainsaw in background, Fraser looks around] 
Fraser: Do you hear that? 
[Dr shakes head no] 
Thatcher: Hear what? 
Fraser: Ah, nothing. 
Dr.: As I was saying, these tests were designed to help us assess the psychological profile of the individual members of the... 
[Hammering in background, Fraser looks around office] 
Fraser: You sure you don't hear that? 
Thatcher: Hear what, Fraser? 
Fraser: The chainsaw and the hammering. Carpentry, could be carpentry. 
Dr.: Fascinating! And is this sound coming from close by or from far away? 
Fraser: Quite close. Actually...I think it's coming from right here... 
[Fraser opens closet door] 
Dr.: Hmm. Perhaps we should be trying a little word association. 
[Fraser and Kowalski in car.] 
Fraser: Uh, chain saw. 
Ray: Massacre. 
Fraser: Closet. 
Ray: What kind of question is that? 
Fraser: It's nothing untoward. It's just that if I say 'closet' one person might say brooms and another person might say carpentry. 
Ray: Yeah, and I might say 'hey, you're losing your mind, Fraser.' 
Fraser: Well that question has been raised only recently. Ah, surveillance. 
[pulling to a stop, both watch 2 people on the sidewalk/dock] 
Fraser: I thought as much. 
Dief: Whine. 
Ray: Disgusting. 
Fraser: What is? 
Ray: Well kissing right out in the middle of the street like that. Flaunting it all over the place. 
Fraser: I didn't realize you were so prudish. 
Ray: Me? Hey, that's not it, I'll try anything. That's not the point. 
Fraser: What is the point? 
Ray: The point is we got laws in this city and I'm sworn to enforce them. And one of those laws bans lascivious acts. Thank you very much, Fraser. Page 118. And that, my friend, is definitely a lascivious act. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, this is the 1890 Illinois Criminal Code. 
Ray: Old laws are the best laws, Fraser. Look at that, look at...would you look at that? 
Fraser: Hang on a second. 
[Fraser adjusts rear view mirror to look at person behind them who is aiming a gun at the two on the sidewalk.] 
Ray: What? 
Fraser: Gun. 
[Both jump out of car, Kowalski to knock the two they're watching to the ground, Fraser after the shooter. Gunshot. Tires screeching as shooter flees.] 
Stella: What the hell do you think you're doing? 
Ray: Saving your life. I... 
Orsini: I don't understand, why are you so upset? This man saved our lives, Stella. [Orsini shakes Kowalski's hand] 
Stella: Oh yeah, because he just happened to be driving by. 
Fraser: Oh no, ma'am. Actually Det. Vecchio and I were on a routine surveillance. We were...apparently we were on the lookout, well we were on the lookout for lascivious acts, although I'm not sure what we witnessed would... 
Ray: Shut up, Fraser. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Ray: This is my partner, Fraser, he's Canadian. 
Stella & Orsini: [in unison] Obviously. 
Ray: This is Alderman Frank Orsini. 
Fraser: A pleasure to meet you. 
Orsini: And you, thank you. 
Ray: And this, uh, is my ex-wife Stella. 
[Fade to opening credits] 
[Reporters and police at scene] 
Orsini: And I want you all to know that I have every confidence in the police. 
Welsh: Ah, I think that's enough, thank you. 
Reporter: How is State's Attorney Kowalski involved in this matter? 
Orsini: Well, as the detective said, that's all we know at this time. 
[Pan to Fraser & Kowalski in background with Huey and Dewey] 
Ray: Why the circus? 
Fraser: Well your ex-wife is involved in law enforcement, Ray. Naturally any attempt on her life would warrant extra effort. 
Dewey: Actually, it's the guy she's doing. Turns out he's some big shot politician. 
Ray: Uh, what was that? Sorry, I missed that. 
Dewey: Uh, he's a politician. You know, City Alderman. He's, uh, he's looking to become mayor. 
Ray: Uh, no, the part about my wife. 
Dewey: Oh, about the guy she's doing. Well, good looking guy, lots of cash, moves around the right circles. Actually, I don't think they're just friends. I'd get over it if I were you, you've been replaced. 
Ray: Funny guy. 
[Kowalski jumps Dewey, pins him to the hood of a police cruiser, Fraser & Huey separate them] 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray! 
Huey: Easy, easy. C'mon! I'd like you to meet my new partner, Tom Dewey. 
Fraser: Ah, pleased to meet you. I'd imagine you're named after the famous prosecuting attorney and former Governor of New York Thomas Edmund Dewey. 
Dewey: No, actually I was named after my uncle. He sold fish. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Dewey: Who are you? 
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father and for reasons that really don't need exploring at this juncture have remained, attached as liaison to the Canadian Consulate. 
Huey: So what did you see? 
Ray: Ah, it all happened pretty fast. It was a guy about 6' tall but his face was hooded so he could have... 
Fraser: Actually, he was 6'3", wore black pants, black hooded sweatshirt, and drove a grey 1990 Oldsmobile Cutlas Cierra. Unfortunately I was unable to make out the license plate but I did notice he was driving on Firestone Steel Belted Radials with an all-weather tread. 
Dewey: You couldn't see the plate but you could see the tires? 
Ray: Hey, just write it down! 
Fraser: Well no I didn't actually see the tires but the street, I realize, has not been tended to by street cleaners lately and I was able to make out the tire track marks. 
Dewey: Is this guy for real? 
Huey: The jury's still out on that. 
Fraser: Most importantly, I noticed that the right rear tire had a distinctive nick. 
Dewey: Oh, a nick... 
[Welsh comes over] 
Welsh: Uh, excuse me. Ray, Fraser...there's something I want to straighten out. 
Ray: Yeah, you guys just get back to your donuts there. 
Welsh: There is an issue I'd like to clear up, like uh...excuse me, Fraser. 
[Fraser steps away] 
Welsh: Your ex-wife. I don't think she believes you were out just passing by here. 
Ray: Uh, she's paranoid. 
Welsh: Good, good. Because I'd hate to think that one of my officers would be sick enough to be tailing his ex-wife on a date. 
Ray: No sir, nobody would like to think that. 
Welsh: Good, good, because Alderman Orsini would like to thank you guys personally. After that you can give him and Ms. Kowalski a ride home. 
Ray: A ride home? 
Welsh: You got a problem with that? 
Ray: Uh, no problem, sir. 
Welsh: Good, good, because until we find out who tried to kill him, you're going to be his personal bodyguard. 
Ray: Oh, c'mon, find somebody else. 
Welsh: Oh no, the alderman specifically requested you and Fraser. It seems you exhibited some kind of competence this evening. 
Ray: Got it. 
Fraser: Actually, Lieutenant, you see I have several outstanding issues... 
Welsh: No, no, no, I already talked to Thatcher. She seems to think that due to your mental state it would be better if Turnbull stood guard. [walks off] 
Fraser: My, my, my...uh, my...did she happen to elaborate on my...sir? 
[int. of Kowalski's sedan. Fraser & Kowalski in front, Orsini & Stella in back with Dief between them] 
Stella: Uh, would your wolf be mo