North

[In a small airport somewhere in Canada: Fraser sits playing Solitaire Ray fiddles with a salt cellar, Hamish, the airport guy, pours him self a cup of coffee] 
Vecchio: All right one more cup and I plug him. 
Fraser: You're only making it worse, Ray. 
Vecchio: He's been on the same page for an hour now. Can we get some service over here? 
Fraser: You know Ray, things move at their own pace in small places. 
Vecchio: I would just like to check in Okay? Is there something wrong with that? Can I check in please? 
Doug: Hey Hamish How's it going? 
Hamish: Plane's out front. Hi Doug. 
Vecchio: What the hell is this? 
Hamish: Ted, how's it going, Junior. 
Vecchio: I didn't hear anyone ask for tickets. 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray. 
Vecchio: I give up 2 weeks vacation in Miami for this. 
Fraser: Well as I recall it was your idea. 
Vecchio: No As I recall I said maybe as in maybe we should go up north and fix up your father's cabin. You on the other hand could have said no. 
Fraser: Well you don't have to do this. 
Vecchio: Oh yes I do because it's like a ... what do you call it... a death bed confession... you have to honor it... Besides where else but Canada can I spend 2 weeks hard labor living off the land. 
Fraser: Well I for one am glad we're going. 
[Hamish signals to them] 
Vecchio: Finally. All right you check us in and I'm going to take these bags to the plane. 
Hamish: No. 
Vecchio: I've got to weigh in first? 
Hamish: Yeah. 
Vecchio: I was sitting there an hour doing nothing and now you want me to weigh in. Lets weigh them in Mr. Funny Hat. 
[He dumps a lot of bags on the scales. and Fraser adds his] 
Fraser: And mine. Alarm rings on the scale.] 
Vecchio: What? So they're a little over: big deal... Oh I see.. I see... Here you go how much? [gets out a handful of bills] 
Hamish: Ah you're American. 
Fraser: From Chicago. 
Hamish: Yeah. Right, Well you'll have to leave some of these behind, boys. 
Vecchio: Fine [He tosses Fraser's small bag from the scale.] 
Hamish: No a lot more than that by the looks of it. 
Vecchio: What about those hunters, hunters, hunters had huge bags, what about them? 
Hamish: Oh they're different. 
Vecchio: How are they different? 
Hamish: They're just different. 
Vecchio: I know how they're different, they're Canadian and I'm American. That is how they're different. Are you discriminating against me because I'm American because if you are let me tell you something-- 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. Excuse me, Sir. I wonder if you could just check the manifest and see if this extra weight might not be permitted within the maximum pay load. 
Hamish: All right. I'll see what I can do. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Hamish takes another swig of coffee] 
Vecchio: I hope you burst. 
Hamish: Is that a hand gun there? 
[Police officer talks to a pilot in a hanger] 
Officer: Jack? 
Jack: Yeah? 
Officer: Listen I got a prisoner in the plane. They're picking him up at eleven. Listen I need somewhere to put him. 
Jack: I'm taking one of these up in a couple of minutes. Use the office. 
[Fraser and Ray walk across the runway towards the plane] 
Fraser: I'm not apologizing. 
Vecchio: Fine 
Fraser: It is strictly prohibited to carry a weapon on an aircraft. 
Vecchio: Fine 
Fraser: Particularly one not licensed for use in this country 
Ray And who told them it was unlicensed, huh, who? 
Fraser: I'm still not apologizing. 
Vecchio: Fine 
Fraser [Shouts to Dief] We're going now. We're leaving. We will not return. 
[Dief runs out] 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Dwayne. 
[In the Plane] 
Vecchio: Yep I bet there's no movie on this flight. 
Hamish [over radio]: Clear for take off any time Jack. Weather's good to zero nine thousand heading two niner eight all the way up to the Territories. 
Jim : Roger. 
Hamish: Are you coming back tonight after you drop off the cops? 
Jim: Cops? 
Hamish: That's right. The Mountie's fine but that other guys going to take some getting used to. 
Jim: Thanks. You guys have your seat belts on? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Jim: Enjoy the flight. 
Vecchio: Hey Fraser how long did you say this flight was anyway? 
Fraser: Four hours. 
Vecchio: Okay, so where's the john... [Fraser gives Ray a 'look'] Great. [Dief whimpers] What? Don't you think it's a little early? Okay. Fine. fine. 
[Back at the airport they discover 'Jack' who has been shot.] 
[On the Plane] 
Vecchio: Hey Benny, you want something to drink? Here's your peanuts... don't bug me. 
Fraser: Huh. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Nothing.... Huh. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Oh it's nothing. It's probably nothing... 
[Plane lurches] 
Vecchio: That was not nothing. I'm going to have a little talk with this guy. Hey Jim. You want to keep your eyes on the road? 
Jim: Is there a problem here? 
Vecchio: No I love having my kidneys. 
Fraser: Actually we're quite fine, thank you, Jim. 
Jim: You guys better keep your seat belts on. 
Vecchio: Yeah you'd better watch the road. 
Fraser: You wouldn't happen to have your backup gun? 
Vecchio: No 
Fraser: Oh well 
Vecchio: Oh well what? 
Fraser: It's just an observation. Probably ill timed but I don't think this is our pilot. 
Vecchio: You're telling me. 
Fraser: No, I mean, I think he maybe a pilot I don't think he's our pilot. There's dandruff on the collar of his flight suit, none on his scalp. 
Vecchio: And for that we shoot him? 
Fraser: The Territories are North West we've been flying south for two hours. Also he's ignoring radio calls, and occasionally flying under radar coverage. 
Vecchio: So what are you saying we're being hijacked? 
Fraser: No not necessarily but the chaffing on his wrists is consistent with a man whose recently been in hand cuffs add tot hat the blood on the back of his flight suit and the prominent bullet hole - well, I leave it up to you. 
Vecchio: You couldn't have mentioned this earlier? 
Fraser: It's a mute point Ray, he has a gun, we don't. 
Vecchio: This isn't a trick is it? 
Fraser: On my word of honor. [Ray produces a gun from his ankle holster] But I will have to arrest you, of course, once we land. 
Vecchio: On three ... ready? 
Fraser: Not now Ray, let's wait till we're on the ground. 
Vecchio: Where Beirut? 
Fraser: It's a light plane Ray, I don't think we have enough fuel to reach the middle east. My guess is he's a smuggler and we're heading for Mexico. 
Vecchio: Yeah where 50 of his friends are going to be waiting for us with oozies. You know what happens to hostages, Fraser, Cop Hostages. Bodies on the tarmac, CNN. This is not happening to me. You got to get him to turn this plane round right away. 
Fraser: You're right. On the other hand, there could be a struggle, he might refuse to co operate and in which case we have to fly this plane ourselves. Now that might be possible with some assistance from air traffic control, and I did read a flight training manual in my grandmother's library. There were a couple of pages missing, but I'm sure nothing vital. And I'm guessing that there are a lot of similarities between a Sopwith Camel and toady's light aircraft. 
Vecchio: Yeah that's great Fraser, just give me the odds. 
Fraser: Well statistically, over 90% of all light aircraft fatalities occur during take off and landing. 
Vecchio: Hey I'm not going to be guest of honor at a human pinata party in the Baha. 
Fraser: Well Ray, on a brighter note, over 50% of all crash victims crawl away with three out of four limbs intact. 1,2-- 
[Jim jumps out of plane with a parachute... Plane is going down... Fraser rushes to the controls.] 
Vecchio: The radio! 
Fraser: It's broken, sit down.! 
Fraser: Strap yourself in. Hold on! [plane is going down] 
[See Jim hanging from a tree in his parachute. He releases himself. Cut to Fraser and Ray in a forest.] 
Vecchio: We should stay by the plane. 
Fraser: If you think. 
Vecchio: This is insane. You're dragging us through hundreds of miles of wilderness, heading God knows where. 
Fraser: Ray, the man is a viscous murder, he killed our pilot, he undoubtedly killed his police escort and he tried to kill us. 
Vecchio: Which is why we should stay by the plane and wait for reinforcements to come. 
Fraser: The emergency equipment, the ELT and the radio were all destroyed in the crash. The plane's under cover of trees, it will never be found. Now on the way down I noticed a river. There's bound to be a road that crosses it. Undoubtedly the hijacker saw it as well. That's where he'll head. If we move hard and drive fast we should be able to intercept him by nightfall. Any questions? 
Vecchio: Yes. How far do you think you're going to get with that gash on your head. 
Fraser: ray head wounds always look worse than they actually are. Can you give me a reading? 
Vecchio: It's your compass you read it. 
Fraser: I can't. 
Vecchio: Well neither can I. 
Fraser: Well you'll have to. 
Vecchio: Why? 
Fraser: I'm blind. [Ray does that wide-eyed look of disbelief] 
Vecchio: You're blind? 
Fraser: Apparently. 
Vecchio: You're really, really blind. 
Fraser: As a bat. 
Vecchio: Well why didn't you say something? 
Fraser: No point making a bad situation worse. 
Vecchio: Worse? Fraser, you can't see come on we're going back to the plane. 
Fraser: But Ray I still have four senses left. 
Vecchio: You can't see! 
Fraser: I'm blind, Ray, I'm not deaf. I've spent my whole life in the northern woods tracking criminals I have a natural advantage here. There isn't a thing in this forest that I cant hear, taste, touch, smell, feel. It's a finely tuned ability gained from years of experience. So if you'll just stand aside I'll be on my way. 
[Fraser walks into a tree] 
Vecchio: That was a tree. 
Fraser: Yes it was. A white ash. Fraxinus americania to be exact. Shall we? 
[Conversation between Hamish and Welsh over the phone] 
Hamish: We haven't located them yet and there's no sign of the plane either. 
Welsh: All right I'll notify the family. You get any news I want it. Right thanks. 
[On the top of a cliff looking out over some rather fantastic views] 
Fraser: Any sign of the hijacker? 
Vecchio: Uhhh, no. 
Fraser: So we should start to come to a river valley. The trees should thin out. The floor will become more low lying. Willow, Buckthorn, possibly, infantile cotton wood. 
Vecchio: That's supposed to mean something to me? 
Fraser: Trees only shorter. Ah the river valley should be just about here Tell me what you see Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh I well see trees. 
Fraser: Good, good describe them. 
Vecchio: Green mostly. 
Fraser: Very good. And the river? 
Vecchio: Well I'm going to bet it's just over the next hill. 
Fraser: Perfect. Onward [Goes to march of the cliff but Ray grabs him] 
Vecchio: Oh not a good idea, okay? Not a good idea. Just wait here for me all right? Okay I say westwards, Ethan Edwards, hand on shoulder. 
Fraser: I can feel the sun on the left hand side of my nose 
Vecchio: Ahh Fraser, there is no sun. 
Fraser: What time is it Ray? 
Vecchio: It's uh one thirty. 
Fraser: I think you're a little off. 
Vecchio: Hehe. How do you know that? 
Fraser: Because of the sun on my nose. 
Vecchio: There is no sun on your nose. 
Fraser: Ray will you just check the compass, even an error of one or two degrees could put us hundreds of miles off course. 
Vecchio: I know that, I'm not an idiot. 
Fraser: Well I'm not saying you are. 
Vecchio: OK good. And by the way I have gone camping before. 
Fraser: You have not gone:: 
Vecchio: I have too. 
Fraser: When? 
Vecchio: When I was a kid. 
Fraser: With who? 
Vecchio: My Dad and to prove a point we are heading west..see... of course not what was I thinking. [Fraser starts to walk off cliff] Fraser! 
Fraser: Ray you all right? 
Vecchio: Yeah you, okay? 
Fraser: Oh I'm fine, next time watch where you're going please. You could get us both killed. 
[Deeper into the forest --note it is daylight.] 
Vecchio: I think we should take a break. 
Fraser: I feel perfectly fresh Ray. 
Vecchio: No-no-no It's getting really dark now I think we should make camp. 
Fraser: You know Ray, wise men walk while fools sleep. 
Vecchio: Who said anything about sleep I just like to see where I'm going. 
Fraser: It means nothing to me. 
Vecchio: I realize that but I don't want to track this guy by moon light. 
Fraser: There are strange things done in the midnight sun by the men who:: 
Vecchio: Toil for gold Yeah I heard that one and then they shot that Sam McGee guy. I told you I've been camping before. 
Fraser: Moil Ray and they cremated him. It was Dan McGrue that they shot. 
Vecchio: Did they get the guy? 
Fraser: It's a poem Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh ... moil huh? 
Fraser: Yes moil not toil. 
Vecchio: Ahh moil, toil who cares. 
Fraser: Robert Service apparently. 
Vecchio: Who's he? 
Fraser: The poet. [falls over again] 
Vecchio: We're lost. 
Fraser: No we're not we just don't know where we are. 
Vecchio: Like there's a difference? 
Fraser: Well being lost is usually accompanied by a feeling of panic, Ray. 
Vecchio: Are you saying I'm panicking? 
Fraser: On the contrary. You see Ray, people who are lost, panic. They walk aimlessly in the woods very often in circles until eventually well they die, either from starvation or from lack of water. Now we by comparison, we have remained calm. Now you see this is the secret to surviving in the woods, remaining-- Ray I smell something. I smell fuel. Burnt plastic...metal.. what is it? 
Vecchio: It's a plane crash. 
Fraser: My God, Ray another plane crash, what are the odds? 
Vecchio: It's our plane crash, you moron we've been going around in circles this whole time. What's the matter with you? Get down, get down, get down! [Hijacker fires shots at them] 
Fraser: I'm going to handle this Ray, in the name of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police I... [more shots] 
Vecchio: I don't think he heard you. 
Fraser: Good shooting Ray, let's hope he's alive to testify. 
[Hijacker runs off] 
[Ray starts scavenging through the wreckage] 
Vecchio: OK let's see what the hijacker left us. Well, tube of toothpaste. [tosses it away] Sun screen. [tosses it away] Oh here's something we can use... Haemorrhoid paste. [tosses it away] 
Fraser: I almost had him. 
Vecchio: A breath mint. I suppose we could boil it. [puts it in his pocket] 
Fraser: Text book situation maybe he heard us approach. 
Vecchio: Dief's got peanuts... here Dief. You didn't really think he'd surrender did you? 
Fraser: Well not with you firing at him. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah you're right next Time I'll just let him shoot us. 
Fraser: There won't be a next time Ray, he only came back to the plane for provisions [Fraser is putting a bandage on his head] could you give me a hand here please?...He's on the run now and he knows we are on his trail. Now he doesn't know you're out of bullets but he must know that even a minor wound will slow him down. He won't risk open confrontation. 
Vecchio: Fraser the guy's got a 9mm sig saur with at least two clips of ammunition. 
Fraser: We can still bring him in alive. 
Vecchio: And how do you propose to do that? 
Fraser: You know Ray, Sam Steele patrolled the Northwest Territories his entire career without ever firing his weapon. It was a point of honor with him. Rumor has it that he was buried with the weapon unfired. 
Vecchio: Great let's go dig it up. 
Fraser: My point is Ray, that we will use nature to our advantage. You see wilderness survival depends more on your wits than upon firepower. I mean for example, the beam from an incandescent flashlight is visible for up to half a mile at night. [Ray tosses away the dead flashlight] Now our man didn't understand that or he would have waited around for nightfall and picked us off one by one. Which makes me believe that he is not skilled in wilderness survival. Besides from which Diefenbaker would have raised the alarm if he had been around. He isn't. 
Vecchio: Fraser I don't think we have to worry about it. We're going to starve to death long before that. 
Fraser: Oh Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray with a little perseverance and a little ingenuity and a fundamental understanding of how to go about it. One can live like a king in the woods. [Fraser lifts a stone revealing meal worms] 
Vecchio: No way 
Fraser: Oh Ray, they're very nutritional. Far more strengthening than fish or meat. 
Vecchio: You eat them then. 
Fraser: Sh...Shhh 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Shhh. I think I hear a nest of furry night crawlers. 
Vecchio: Oh great. 
[Night. Ray is attempting to build a fire] 
Fraser: Ready. 
Vecchio: Ask me again and I set you on fire. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Vecchio: I thought we'd agreed. You're in charge of being blind and I'm in charge of seeing. Any part I left out? Good. Now I can do this all right. So just let me do this all right. 
Fraser: All right. All right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ray! I think I know what happened today. 
Vecchio: Great. 
Fraser: One of my legs is probably fractionally, just a little bit longer than the other one you see. Which caused us to walk in a giant circle. I should have taken this into account. Ray. Measure my legs. 
Vecchio: I'm not going to measure your legs. 
Fraser: Hey you know what? 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: I think the head injury's thrown me off a tad. 
Vecchio: I'd say just a little more than a tad. 
Fraser: You know what I'm guessing... I'm guessing the blow I received caused a subdural hematoma the resulting swelling of the anterior cerebrum put pressure on the optic nerve. Well at least it's not getting any worse. If I became disorientated, we'd really be in a pickle. ]Fraser falls into fire] Ray if you're going to insist on moving this thing you really should tell a body. 
Vecchio: Fraser I'm not-- 
Fraser: No. No need to apologise Steve. 
Vecchio: Steve? 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: You just called me Steve. 
Fraser: I most certainly did not. 
Vecchio: You did too. 
Fraser: You're not hyperventilating, are you? 
Vecchio: Fraser, you just fell on the fire and you killed it. 
Fraser: I did not, you were blowing too hard and you need more tinder. 
Vecchio: Fine you want to be in charge, you want to do everything, hero man, you start the fire [Ray marches off] 
Robert: You're never going to teach him how to start a fire that way. 
Fraser: Well I believe he thinks we're going to die out here and not without justification. 
Robert: Well he's right you've got yourself into one hell of a predicament. 
Fraser: Well it was hardly of my making was it? 
Robert: Umm grubs.. [Sticks a grub in his mouth] You could have reversed the choke settings. 
Fraser: What? 
Robert: You could have reversed the choke settings then the engines would have started. 
Fraser: Well why didn't you tell me that? 
Robert: You always hate it when I interfere. 
Fraser: Interfere? 
Robert: All right.. all right.. you're going have to move fast and drive hard if you're going to bring this man in -- alive. Now for all we know he's left a trail of bodies from here to the circle. Hunters, miners, sodbusters 
Fraser: Dad 
Robert: Poachers, Claim stakers -- 
Fraser :Dad 
Robert: A whole canoe full of Coureur de Bois. 
Fraser: DAD, I don't know if it's escaped your attention but just recently I received a massive blow to my head. 
Robert: Yeah well you've still got a few good hours left in you. Go get him. 
Fraser: What? 
Robert: Go get your man. 
Fraser: Oh good I'm glad you brought that up. Would you explain to me please just once and for all explain to me, why is it we always have to get our man? 
Robert: Well... it's the motto, son. 
Fraser: It is not. 
Robert: It is. 
Fraser: It is not. It is definitely not our motto. Our motto actually is 'Maintain the Right' 
Robert: Maintain the Right? 
Fraser: Maintain the Right. Now what you're saying is we're supposed to pursue people to the ends of the earth for a motto that isn't even our motto. 
Robert[muttering]: Well must be the new one then the old one used to be just go get your man or bring him back alive.. or just something... go get him...[Wanders off] 
Fraser: Where are you going? Where are you going? 
Vecchio: I'm not going anywhere I'm coming back. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: Talking to yourself? 
Fraser: Evidently. 
Vecchio: You have those matches? Great, it's getting cold. 
Fraser: Um. 
Vecchio: [Tries to light fire] Damn it. 
Fraser: The wood's damp. Matches may not be the solution. You know Ray, my father taught me how to build a fire when I was 6 years old. He took me out into the woods, gave me a piece of flint and a hunk of granite and he walked away without turning back. 
Vecchio: You know how to make a fire out of stones. 
Fraser: You know the funny thing, I have absolutely no memory of the fire itself but I have this very vivid memory of the darkness and knowing that I was all alone. 
Vecchio: My Dad wasn't a father and son type of guy. 
Fraser: He took you camping. 
Vecchio: Yeah...well...of course he took me camping but the one thing he did teach me was how to look out for number one. 
Fraser: A police officer puts others first. 
Vecchio: My father hated cops. 
Fraser: Where are you going? 
Vecchio: Oh I'm going to go get some of those dry sticks. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: And maybe some rocks. 
Fraser: Good. Dad? [No answer] Good. 
[We rejoin Ray a little way from the campsite, Ray's dead father appears] 
Pop: I heard that. 
Vecchio: Nobody's talking to you. 
Pop: You tell a stranger something like that about your family? 
Vecchio: He's not a stranger he's my friend. 
Pop: Oh some friend... he's loony tunes. You should cut him loose. 
Vecchio: I owe him. 
Pop: You owe nobody. He's going to get you killed. 
Vecchio: It's always the way it is with you, Pop, ain't it? Just you, screw the rest of the world huh? 
Pop: Something wrong with that? 
[Back at the camp site Ray hands matches to Fraser] 
Vecchio: You do it. 
[Fraser drops a single match from a height and the fire leaps into life] 
Fraser: Yeah once you learn you never forget. 
[Cut to Frannie stood on the porch of the Vecchio house. Welsh is there but no one says anything then back to Fraser and Ray] 
Vecchio: I can't believe I did that. I can still feel them movin' around in there. 
Fraser: It was a good meal Ray. 
Vecchio: You need another blanket? 
Fraser: No. I'll go get some rest. We're going to have to double our pace if we want to catch him tomorrow. 
Vecchio: Benny, have you taken a look at yourself recently? 
Fraser: Well I can't very well do that can I Steve. 
Vecchio: Ray. 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: Never mind. You know I'd better wake you up every couple of hours or so. 
Fraser: Good night [Mutters something in his sleep. Dief howls] 
Vecchio: Yeah very funny, what you think you're a wolf or something? [Dief joins them at the fire] If he doesn't make it, hey Dief, you're going to help us get out of here Right? 
[Next Morning] 
Vecchio: You're up. 
Fraser: Yes. I didn't want to wake you. I've made breakfast. 
Vecchio: No, no thanks, you go ahead. Listen. 
Fraser: A search plane, someone's in trouble. 
Vecchio: Yeah us... come on come on. [Fires flare gun] I don't think they saw it [Goes to reload gun] 
Fraser: It's no use Ray, search planes fly in grid patterns. He won't be back. 
Vecchio: Why didn't you say something. What the hell is wrong with you? That might be the only chance to get out of here alive. 
Fraser: Ray we still have a man to catch. 
Vecchio: What are you - okay, okay I'll pack up, then we'll get out of here. [Fraser laughs hysterically] What's so funny? 
Fraser: [laughs a bit more] Well it would appear that I have lost the use of my legs. [On the move. Ray is carrying Fraser.] Ray if at any point during our trip I should become a burden to you, you would let me know wouldn't you? 
Vecchio: Oh yes Fraser. 
Fraser: And you'd carry on without me. 
Vecchio: Absolutely. 
Fraser: Without hesitation. 
Vecchio: Oh in a heartbeat. 
Fraser: That's good. 
Vecchio: Oh and if you at any point in time should be feeling better, you just let me know. 
Fraser: Yes of course... Oh Ray. 
Vecchio: Yes. 
Fraser: I'm a little thirsty. 
Ray [drops Fraser to the floor]: You okay? 
Fraser: Uh huh. 
Vecchio: All right let me get the water... there you go...[Fraser drinks and Ray goes to 'relieve' himself] 
Pop: You're going to give him all the water? 
Vecchio: What's it to you? 
Pop: You're doing all the work, you should keep it for yourself. 
Vecchio: Get away from me Pop. 
Pop: Yeah well don't blame me if you die out here... 
Robert: He's slowing you down. 
Fraser: He's slowing me down? 
Robert: When I first joined the mounted police all the equipment we got was a paper bag and a pointed stick. We used the bag to boil tea and the stick was for killing game and if you lost either they charged you! 
Fraser: Are you ill? 
Robert There's nothing to be ashamed of son, you've got a man to catch. 
Vecchio: Okay let's saddle up.... [to Dief] What are you complaining about... you want to trade? All right let's try to do this, okay? [both father's watch em leave. Pop looks at Robert like - well -- 
[Cut to hijacker looking at map. Then back to Fraser and Ray] 
Vecchio: Tuesdays. Ma always made a big pot of pasta fasule. She started boiling the beans early in the morning. You could smell it in every room. It's heaven. 
Fraser: Bannock. My grandmother made it. 
Vecchio: Taste good? 
Fraser: No tasted like a hockey puck. Hard flat unleavened I can still smell it burning in the oven. 
Vecchio: What are they going to tell them back home? 
Fraser: The truth. 
Vecchio: It's a big responsibility when people rely on you. Ma always worries about me when I'm late home from work. 
Fraser: You could set a watch by my father's schedule. Out down the first snow, back at spring break. Never changed not even once. Well until he died. 
[hijacker finds the water bottle tab Ray dropped] 
Vecchio: What's that? 
Fraser: It's called a bola, Ray. The Inuit use it to hunt. 
Vecchio: When I was a kid I had a sling shot. 
Fraser: A bola's not a toy, it's a deadly weapon. It can bring down a good sized elk or a man. 
Vecchio: The hijacker is probably at a Hilton sitting by the pool. 
Fraser: Oh no he's not, we're closing in on him, now take this. stand up and spin it. 
Vecchio: Spin it? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Vecchio: Okay. 
Fraser: Now when you get enough momentum let it go. [whoosh] Let it go. 
Vecchio: I'm trying. 
Fraser: Let it go *now*. 
[He lets it go and it gets stuck in a tree] 
Vecchio: Benny? 
Fraser: Yes Ray? 
Vecchio: We're in trouble. 
Fraser: Ray. I've stopped sweating. 
Vecchio: What does that mean. 
Fraser: Well a person ten percent dehydrated suffers from dizziness, nausea, swollen tongue. At fifteen percent from dimmed vision, loss of muscle control, painful stools. 
Vecchio: Where are you at? 
Fraser: The inability to sweat indicates a loss of anywhere between ten and fifteen percent 
Vecchio: What happens at twenty? 
Fraser: Death. 
[Ray gives him the water bottle] 
Vecchio: Here.... easy, easy, easy. [Fraser finishes the water] I hope you're right about that river. 
Fraser: [singing] Well I can't get off of my horse, all day and night I ride among the cattle No I can't get off of my horse, cos some dirty dog put glue in the saddle. 
[Ray joins in] In the Saddle, in the Saddle, yes some dirty dog put glue in the saddle. 
Fraser: [Sings] All the leaves are brown. 
Vecchio: The leaves are brown. 
Fraser: And the sky is grey. 
Vecchio: And the sky is grey. 
Fraser: Left my heart in 'Frisco. 
Vecchio: San Francisco. 
Both: San Francisco Bay.. 
Fraser: California. 
Vecchio: Cal-I-forn-I-a. 
[pause] 
Vecchio: All the leaves are brown. 
Fraser: The leaves are... 
[Time has moved on but Fraser is still singing... Beethoven in german. 
Vecchio: Shh shh 
Fraser: It's Beethoven and Shiller. 
Vecchio: Shh. 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: I hear water. 
[They come to the river. Dief drinks, Ray lays down and starts drinking. Ray must have gotten Fraser's first cause he is drinking from a cup] 
Vecchio: Hey this is great. Can you taste this? This must be where they get Evian from. Most of the rivers round Chicago, you can walk on. This is really beautiful. 
Fraser: Ray, it may be some property of the water, but I think I can feel a twitch. 
Vecchio: Don't worry buddy. I'll have you out of here in no time. 
Pop: Now you're thinking. You're going to ditch him and take the raft, that's what you're going to do right? 
Vecchio: No. 
Pop: Look a man would take that raft, a man would save himself. 
Vecchio: What are you crazy? 
Robert: Leave him, take the raft you can still get your man. 
Fraser: Absolutely not. 
Robert: They'll have you up on charges. 
Fraser: Do you ever listen to yourself? 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Not you...him. 
Vecchio: Who? 
Pop: Like I said, loony tunes. Now listen to me why don't you. 
Robert: Do you mind? 
Pop: Yes I do. 
Robert: I know you'll do the right thing son. 
Fraser: How? I have no legs. 
Robert: It's in our nature. 
Fraser: Look you don't just leave a man in the wilderness and hope that he'll survive... they don't thank you for it. 
Vecchio: I'm not going to leave you here. 
Robert: If they survive. 
Pop: All right if you're not going to do it, I'll do it for you. 
Vecchio: Get away from me. 
Fraser: I'm no where near you. 
Vecchio: I'm not talking to you. This man is going to die if I don't get him out of here. Now I don't care what that makes me but what it doesn't make me is you. Now back off all right. 
Fraser: Ray, who are you talking to? 
[Ray releases the raft only to watch it disappear down the river] 
Fraser: Well shall we get in it? 
Vecchio: I don't think now's a good time. 
[Time passes] 
Fraser: Well I suppose we should start walking. 
Vecchio: You mean you suppose I should start carrying you. 
Fraser: Oh no...Ray you remember that twitch I mentioned earlier? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Fraser: Protract my lower lumbar would ya? 
Vecchio: What does that mean? 
Fraser: Well just put your knee in my back and pull. 
Vecchio: All right. 
Fraser: Now you may have to really wrench it. You ready? on three. One - 
Vecchio: - Two - 
Fraser: -Three -.ARGH. 
Vecchio: Did that hurt? 
Fraser: Like a hot poker, but look, look I seem to have found my legs. 
Vecchio: That's great, come on, let's get the hell out of here. 
[Ray chopping trees down] 
Vecchio: I got one Fraser.. I got one... Fraser look out. 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: Duck! 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: Now. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Fraser: How many's that. 
Vecchio: Eight. 
Fraser: Great here take this. 
Vecchio: Toss it. [Fraser throws the rope aimlessly up into the air.] 
[Ray is binding the logs together into a raft] Vecchio: Looks like we're going to run out of rope. 
Fraser: Well we'll have to improvise. 
Vecchio: With what? 
Fraser: The inside bark of a poplar is quite good for this. It has to be boiled then chewed. Inuit women do it all the time. It's good for the teeth. 
Vecchio: Oh I'll remember to tell my dentist. 
Fraser: You know cedar roots make a suitable alternative. 
Vecchio: Boil or chew? 
Fraser: Neither. 
Vecchio: Well I'm your man. Here tie this off. 
Pop: Look at you. Looser. You never listen to me, you never knew what was good for you. You never listened and you never learned. 
Vecchio: And when did you tell me Pop, huh? When you used to come home for dinner five nights a week, or when I found you passed out on the floor on Saturday night from too much partying with the boys? 
Pop: Hey it wasn't up for me to talk, it was up to you to listen. 
Vecchio: Well I'm not listening to you any more. 
Pop: I'm your father. 
Vecchio: That's right Pop, You are my father. 
[A twig snaps, Ray makes a run for it joining Fraser once more.] 
Fraser: Get down. 
Vecchio: I am down 
Fraser: Good. 
Vecchio: Fraser, I thought you said he wasn't going to risk a direct confrontation. 
Fraser: It would appear I miscalculated but I have a plan. Go on to the river and lure him out into the open using the raft as bait. And you trap him with the bola. 
Vecchio: I can't use the bola. 
Fraser: I didn't say it was a good plan. 
Vecchio: You got another plan? 
Fraser: Not at the present time, no. 
Vecchio: Okay, if nothing else springs to mind I want to get something off my chest. *Go-go-go-go-go*. My Dad when I was a kid - *down-down-down*- used to hang out down the pool hall, shooting pool and drinking expresso with the guys and acting like a real jalook, which he was - *Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go* - So I'm 10 right. I get this idea in my head that I want to go camping. I don't know where I get it.. out of a book or something.. but the point is that I just want to be with him, you know I just want to spend some time with him. So finally he says 'yes' and I go and I get a tent right? 
Fraser: Is this a particularly long story Ray? 
Vecchio: So my Mom being the sweetheart that she is, goes and gets me her best sheets, her really good sheets. So I get some wood cause I want to start a fire, right? But what I really want is for him to teach me how to make a fire. So I'm waiting for him to come, right? And it starts to rain. 
Fraser: Ray - the river. 
Vecchio: *Go-go-go-go-go* I waited and waited but he never came. So I go down to Finelli's and sure enough, there he is shooting pool with his friends. I go home I take the tent down and we never speak of it ever again. 
Fraser: We can't choose our families Ray. 
Vecchio: Fraser I never camped with my father. Not once. 
Fraser: The raft 
Vecchio: *Go-go-go-go-go*. 
Fraser: This is perfect. I think we've got him where we want him. 
Vecchio: Oh sure that's what he's going to think when he shoots us to death at close range. 
Fraser: How far is he? 
Vecchio: Fifty yards. 
Fraser: Angle? 
Vecchio: Ten o'clock. 
Fraser: And where's the bola? 
Vecchio: Fraser he's got a gun. I'm not going to leap out into the open and start flinging stones at his head. 
Fraser: Oh no Ray, I am. I think I can find his range with your help. 
Vecchio: Fraser, you can't see! 
[Ray gets up to find the bola] 
Fraser: I can see! 
[Fraser bangs his head.. and is knocked out. Ray throws the bola and it hits a rock above the hijacker causing a very big rock to fall on his head.] 
Vecchio: Wow Fraser, Fraser? 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: How many fingers? 
Fraser: Four. What happened? 
Vecchio: Oh you're not going to believe this.. nobody's going to believe it. It was the most improbable natural phenomenon I have ever seen. 
Robert: Good work son. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Vecchio: For what? 
Robert: You got your man. 
Fraser: We got our man. 
Vecchio: Yes we did, Benny, yes we did. 
Robert: But I think he's dead. 
Fraser: Oh... Oh dear. 
[Fraser and Ray are on their raft. Ray is poling them down the river] 
Vecchio: This is good. A fresh breeze, a strong currant. We should make this an annual event what do you say? 
Fraser: Ah I would say you should watch the rock on the left. 
Vecchio: I got it, I got it. 
Fraser: Okay now we're coming up on a sand bank, Ray. 
Vecchio: All right speak to me sand bank! 
Fraser: No I would avoid it if I were you. 
Vecchio: You can avoid nature, Fraser, you got to work with it. See we're perfectly fine. I know what I'm doing. 
Fraser: I never doubted it. 
Vecchio: Admit it I know what I'm doing. 
Fraser: You know what you're doing.... Ray. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Is that a water fall?

End of North
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Vault

[Exterior shot of the sidewalk outside the Canadian consulate. A young boy is dripping ice cream on the sentry's boots. The sentry remains motionless and unresponsive as the church clock across the street begins to chime.] 
Boy: Four... three... two... one... 
[The boy drops the drippy ice cream cone on the sentry's boot and runs, then stops and turns around.] 
Boy: Hey, dummy! Your shift's over! 
Sentry: [no response] 
Boy: Hello! I'm committing a crime here! 
[walks back toward the motionless sentry waving his hands] 
Boy: Geez! What happened to the other guy? 
[Camera focuses on Const. Benton Fraser and another man standing in the window behind the unresponsive sentry.] 
Man: The man works twelve hour shifts, never moves a muscle. 
Fraser: Who is he? 
Man: I don't know, some yutz in a hat. [Fraser follows the man up the stairs inside the consulate] They flew him in from the academy while you were hospitalized. Say, how's the back? Bullet wound wasn't it? 
Fraser: Good as new. Thank you kindly, um...? 
Man: Ovitz. 
Fraser: Ovitz... 
Ovitz: Yeah, it's a nickname. Hers, respectfully and affectionately. [Then under his breath] Right, respectfully, my... 
[Fraser stops to inspect the contents of a box on the corner of Ovitz' desk.] 
Fraser: Superintendent Moffat. Did he... uh, did he retire? 
Ovitz: Promoted. The man spends seven years in that office, doesn't make one valuable contribution. One day he slaps a Mountie hat on a Mickey Mouse doll and... [snaps his fingers.] [The phone rings, Ovitz answers, listens a moment then hangs up.] She'll see you now. 
[Fraser turns toward the door.] 
Ovitz: Don't be nervous. 
Fraser: I'm not. 
Ovitz: Not to worry, I'm sure it's nothing. 
Fraser: What is? 
Ovitz: Your personnel files. She ordered them directly from Ottawa. But I'm sure that's standard procedure, right? I mean, you're the deputy, she's your new boss... 
Fraser: Of course, standard procedure. 
Ovitz: Your medical file, your time sheets... 
Fraser: Also standard. 
Ovitz: Sure. Wow, you sure have moved around a lot. 
Fraser: Excuse me... um... 
Ovitz: Ovitz. 
Fraser: ...Ovitz. You know, if there's certain information you've been privy to as part of your duties as the inspector's executive secretary, you have a responsibility to keep that information to yourself. 
Ovitz: Wow. You'll be fine. She's already eaten two file clerks for breakfast. 
[Fraser pauses at the door, turns and looks at Dief. Dief turns and runs down the stairs. Fraser turns and walks through the door into the office beyond.] 
[Ray Vecchio, his left arm in a sling, comes into the door to Lieut. Welsh's office, closing the door behind him.] 
Vecchio: I appreciate this, sir. I know you're busy, won't take a moment. 
Welsh: You're right. Disapproved. 
Vecchio: You've thought this over carefully, sir? 
Welsh: Uh huh. Yeah, for about three minutes. 
Vecchio: With all due respect sir, three minutes for an officer wounded in the line of duty, in defense of a fellow officer, I might add, seems to be... 
Welsh: The Mountie. Setting aside this penchant you and Constable Fraser have for shooting each other, uh, this bullet you describe here in this form... This is your handwriting, I assume? 
Vecchio: Of course it is, sir. 
Welsh: It's a truly remarkable piece of ammunition. You see here it says shoulder wound? 
Vecchio: Oh, yes, sir. Ripped right through the old lateral deltoid. 
Welsh: The truly startling thing? This bullet upon entering your shoulder appears to have taken a radical change in direction, traveling southward, piercing a lung and injuring several major organs. Now why do you suppose it did that, Detective? 
Vecchio: Nobody knows why these things happen, sir. A freak accident. 
Welsh: Uh huh, and a rather convenient one. 'Cause this wound would entitle you to extended leave benefits to the tune of, uh, oh... that's a lot of sunshine and margaritas, huh? 
Vecchio: Look, sir, I submitted the insurance form to the company. Now, if they approve it... 
Welsh: All right, then the insurance company and I might have to sit down and have a little chat. Because wound or no wound, you're back on the streets tomorrow. 
Vecchio: And that's your final decision, sir? 
Welsh: Oh, it is. [Ray turns toward the door] And Vecchio? This incident might fade from my mind completely if you were to stay out of trouble for twenty-four hours. 
Vecchio: Understood, sir. 
Welsh: Have a good day, Vecchio. 
Vecchio: You too, sir. [Ray turns and walks out of the office door.] 
[Camera shifts to a close-up of a hand-drawn diagram of a cartoon figure with arrows showing the path of the bullet.] 
Louis: Now this bullet... 
Huey: This magic bullet. [Huey holds up a bullet in a clear ziplock evidence bag.] 
Louis: ...entered here, took a sharp right, bounced off the collar bone, pierced the rib cage and took a U-turn at the pancreas. 
Vecchio: Stay out of my desk. [Ray grabs the diagram from Louis as he stalks back to his desk.] 
Huey: Ooooo... 
Louis: Tsk, tsk, tsk... temper, temper. 
[Ray sits down at his desk, as Elaine drops his mail onto the desk top.] 
Elaine: All bills. Welcome back! 
Vecchio: Any more good news, Elaine? 
Elaine: Your disability application? It's been denied. The insurance doctor said, "No man could sustain this kind of injury and live." 
Vecchio: And the good news, Elaine? 
Elaine: Uh, it could wait. 
Vecchio: Elaine! 
Elaine: They are burying you with full honors, Thursday at 3 o'clock. Don't be late. 
[The Riv is seen cruising down the streets of Chicago. Francesca is driving, Ray is in the front passenger seat and Fraser and Diefenbaker are in the back seat. The song "Leading Me On" by Colin James is blaring on the car radio.] 
Vecchio: Well, I'm a dead man, Fraser. Some yahoo down at City Hall read my insurance report and flagged my name in the central computer system. Look at this. Vecchio, Raymond, deceased. 
[Fraser shows the document to Dief sitting beside him in the back seat.] 
Vecchio: So then the city hall computer instructs the Federal and State computer to cancel my driver's registration, my driver's license and my Social Security card. So now, I'm being buried on Thursday and I can't even get my good suit out of the cleaners. WILL YOU SHUT THAT OFF! [Ray reaches over and switches off the radio.] 
Francesca: No, I'm driving, I should get to hear to whatever I want. [She turns the radio back on.] 
Vecchio: This is my car, okay? You've merely been given temporary dispensation to drive it; which means you can keep your butt in that seat, your hands on the wheel and your feet on the pedals and that's it! 
Francesca: Well, thank you, Your Eminence! I'll remember that the next time you need somebody to back up your phony insurance claim. 
Vecchio: Phony insurance claim! Let me tell you somethin', I have latent muscle damage which inhibits me from making three point turns. [Ray turns to Fraser in the back seat.] Can you believe this? I've been putting up with this... Why are you wearing that? Where's the brown uniform? 
Fraser: I just had my first interview with my new inspector. 
Vecchio: Went well, did it? 
Fraser: I'm on probation, Ray. Inspector Thatcher has reviewed my job performance and I gather she found my methods to be somewhat unorthodox. 
Vecchio: Is that how they punish Mounties in Canada? They make 'em dress like Americans? 
Fraser: It's not exactly an American uniform, and the brown one was somewhat antiquated. I'm told this is the current fashion. 
Francesca: I think it's kinda cute. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly, Francesca. 
Vecchio: Look, you just keep your eyes on the road and you [indicating Fraser] keep your eyes in your head. 
Francesca: [sigh] I wish I had a uniform. You know, when you wear a uniform, you're somebody. People respect you. 
Vecchio: Let me tell you somethin', Franny. You're my sister, all right? But trust me, no matter what you wear, people will never respect you. All right, pull over. 
Francesca: No. 
Vecchio: I said, pull over. 
Francesca: No. Not until you show me some respect. 
Vecchio: Look, this is my car. I said pull over, now you pull over! 
[Francesca slams on the breaks and the Riv comes to a screeching halt.] 
[Ray picks himself off the floor, straightening his sling.] 
Vecchio: [sigh] Thank you. 
Francesca: You're quite welcome. Hey! Five minutes, or I'm comin' in after ya. 
Vecchio: Yeah yeah yeah! 
[Fraser is standing on the curb contemplating the fur lined hat that goes with his new uniform.] 
Vecchio: What is that, a dead animal? She can make you wear a dead animal on your head? 
Fraser: It's regulation. 
[They both check out Fraser's reflection in the store window.] Well? 
Vecchio: She's definitely punishing you. 
Fraser: She's my superior officer, Ray. She's not a field officer, mind you; but she's a very fine officer, a woman of considerable character. 
Vecchio: Fraser, this woman hates you. 
Fraser: I believe so, yes. 
Vecchio: OK, POLICE! MOVE ASIDE! [Ray flashes his badge at the line of people waiting outside the building.] POLICE! MOVE ASIDE! 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray... [Grabbing Ray's arm.] 
Vecchio: Don't start with me, okay? This is a legitimate emergency situation, all right? 
Fraser: What is? [Ray holds up a piece of paper.] 
Fraser: Bulls tickets? 
Vecchio: Not just Bulls tickets-- Bulls season tickets. ALL RIGHT, POLICE! MOVE ASIDE! [Fraser follows Ray into the building. Ray shoves past the people waiting in line, waving his badge.] COME ON! BACK OFF! BACK OFF! LOOK OUT, BUDDY! POLICE, MOVE ASIDE! 
Man walking out of the bank: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow! 
Vecchio: [Turning to Fraser.] I am going to cash my last disability check. Then I'm going to renew my pass and then I'm going to have something to look forward to. Who says you can't take it with you? 
Fraser: [Turning to the people behind him.] I apologise for my friend. 
[The camera cuts to a man jogging down the street and a dark blue van pulling into the alley behind the bank.] 
Van Driver [Lenny]: [Speaking into a walkie talkie] We're in the alley, honey. 
[Camera cuts to a female customer standing at a teller's window.] 
Female Customer [Morgan]: [Speaking into a hidden microphone.] 
Thank you, sweetie. [She smiles at the startled bank teller.] Have a nice day! 
[Morgan looks around the bank, then speaks into her microphone.] Looking good. 
Security Guard: Have a nice evening. 
Morgan: I will. 
Security Guard: [As Ray and Fraser walk through the door.] We're closing now. 
Vecchio: Oh no, you're not! [As he pushes past the security guard.] 
Security Guard: Hey! 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry... [shaking the security guard's hand and reading his name tag.] Bob. We'll just be a minute. Thank you. 
Vecchio: CAN I GET A MANAGER HERE! [Waving his ATM card.] CAN I SEE A MANAGER? 
Female Teller [Laurie]: I'm sorry, sir, but the bank is closed. 
Vecchio: Oh no, it is not! It is not closed. See, it is open. 
Laurie: No, it is not, sir. 
Vecchio: Yes, it is, ma'am. 
Fraser: Ray, perhaps I can assist... 
Vecchio: Fraser, look, this is my bank, this is my account, I'll handle it, okay? 
Laurie: Can I have a manager here? 
Vecchio: Very good, Laurie! Way to take the initiative! 
Bank Manager: Can I help you, sir? 
Vecchio: Yes. Hi, my name is Raymond Vecchio. This is my bank and this was my ATM card. [Ray holds up his mangled ATM card.] 
Bank Manager: Ah! Well. It's a machine and occasionally we do have a problem or two. Let's take a look, shall we? 
Vecchio: Yes, let's. 
[Outside in the blue van.] 
Morgan: We've got fourteen minutes to be in and out. 
[Inside the bank manager's office.] 
Bank Manager: Vecchio, Raymond? 
Vecchio: Yeah, how many times do I have to tell ya? 
Bank Manager: Uh, account number? 
Vecchio: 99105. 
Bank Manager: Hmm. Well you do have a problem. The account's been frozen. 
Vecchio: What? 
Bank Manager: It can't be accessed. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well, I think it can. [Ray puts his badge down on the manager's desk.] 
Bank Manager: I'm afraid not. Unless you have a court order detective, I can't help you. The owner of this account is deceased. 
Vecchio: Deceased. 
[Camera cuts to Morgan, Lenny and two other men entering the bank dressed as janitors.] 
Security Guard: New team, huh, Vince? 
Lenny: Yeah, it's hard to find good help. 
[The four of them file past the security guard.] 
Vecchio: Okay. Now let me get this straight. I'm here, my money's here; but the computer says I'm not really here, so I can't have it. 
Bank Manager: I'm very sorry. I'll have to call head office and if you could just come back tomorrow... 
Vecchio: Hey, I'm a cop. I may not be alive tomorrow. 
Bank Manager: Well, according to this, you're not alive now. 
Fraser: Excuse me, Ray. Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Sir, I am fully willing to vouch for this man's veracity. 
Vecchio: See, a Canadian's vouching for me. Canadians do not lie. 
Fraser: Now, I think that's probably hyperbole, Ray. 
Vecchio: He's also a Mountie. If you cannot trust a Mountie, who can you trust? 
Fraser: Again, Ray, I'm not sure I'd go so far as... 
Vecchio: Yes, you would. 
Fraser: I would. 
Assistant Manager: Ten to three, Mr. Cooper. 
Mr. Cooper: Excuse me. 
Vecchio: Excuse you? I'm trying to do some business, here with you! [They follow Mr. Cooper out of his office.] Will you wait a second? 
Fraser: Look, Ray. Perhaps we should... 
Vecchio: I want my money! All right, I'll tell you what. I'll give you this check, you give me twelve hundred and forty-two dollars and we'll call the head office in the morning. 
Mr. Cooper: Mr. Vecchio, this is a secured area, if you would stand back please? 
Vecchio: Are you not going to give me a consideration here? All right, fine. Fine! I mean, who am I? Right? I'm just a cop, Right? Nobody important. I'm just a nameless, faceless working stiff who risks his life to protect your business and your family. Who may just happen to get his head blown off trying to find your stolen BMW. Are you listening to me? Is anybody listening to me? 
[While Ray has been ranting, Fraser has been looking around the bank and has apparently noticed something is not quite right about the cleaning crew.] 
Fraser: Ray, there's something we'd better discuss... 
Vecchio: Not now. Fraser! 
Assistant Manager: Mr. Cooper! We have five minutes. 
Morgan: FREEZE! [She and the other members of the cleaning crew have suddenly produced handguns.] This is a holdup! Okay, everyone, down on the floor! DOWN! [She suddenly recognises Fraser.] It's you! The Mountie! 
Vecchio: Friend of yours? 
Fraser: Ours. Last year, she robbed a brokerage firm. 
Vecchio: The one who shot you in the hat? 
Morgan: You made my life hell! 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry. 
Vecchio: Don't apologise to her. 
Assistant Manager: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! 
[While Morgan is momentarily distracted by the woman, Fraser and Ray run into the vault and close the door.] 
Morgan: OPEN IT! OPEN IT! 
Mr. Cooper: I can't, it's got a time lock on it. 
Morgan: So! Disarm it! 
Mr. Cooper: I can't. No one can. 
Lenny: What time does it open? 
Mr. Cooper: Eight o'clock, tomorrow morning. 
Morgan: HE IS NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS! DO YOU HEAR THAT, MOUNTIE? 
Lenny: It's okay, baby, it's okay. We'll take care of the Mountie. 
Morgan: I dreamed about him, Lenny. Every night while I was in prison. I carved his face into my cell wall. With my FINGERNAILS! 
Lenny: Morgan, I got you out of there, didn't I? I'll get you out of this, okay? 
Crook #3: Forget it! It's impossible. That door is solid steel, two feet thick! 
Lenny: Harold! 
Harold: Combinations are easy enough. It's a time lock. There's no point in drilling a lock that can't be disabled. 
Lenny: Yeah, but there is a way, right? 
Harold: There's always a way. You drill the locking bolts, you stuff 'em with C-4 then you blow 'em. 
Morgan: Good! Pack it with the stuff. I want those bozos blown to kingdom come. 
[Inside the vault, Ray is pacing back and forth yelling into his cell phone. Fraser is down on his hands and knees examining the interior of the vault.] 
Vecchio: Hello! 9-1-1! Hello! I'm not receiving! Why aren't I receiving here? 
Fraser: Well, we're inside a vault, Ray. 
Vecchio: I know we're in a vault. 
Fraser: High carbon steel, I'd say eight to ten inches thick. There's no hollow spots in the walls. Its probably backed by solid concrete. 
Vecchio: All right. Check for ventilation. 
Fraser: Got it. 
Vecchio: A vent? 
Fraser: Yes. And we are in luck, Ray! It is completely sealed off. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Airtight. Obviously for security. Rest easy, Ray. The money is perfectly safe. 
Vecchio: Oh, well that's a relief, because for a moment there I was concerned that all these little Thomas Jeffersons were going to run out of oxygen! 
Fraser: Ray, there is no need for either sarcasm or panic. We're in a eight by ten foot room with a ten foot ceiling. That gives us roughly 800 cubic feet of air. It is now 3:15. The time lock isn't set to open until 8:00 A.M. So there is no danger of us suffocating for at least... You know, Ray, in situations like this the Inuit... 
Vecchio: Oh! We're gonna die! 
Fraser: We're not going to die, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh, yes, we are, Fraser. We're gonna die protecting somebody else's money! 
Fraser: Ray, there is an inherent danger in all police work. 
Vecchio: No, Fraser. What there is, is an inherent danger working with you. 
Fraser: Well, you didn't have to do this. You could've thrown your hands in the air like a baby. 
Vecchio: That is what I was trying to do. I am not a baby! 
Fraser: No, Ray. I know you. You were attempting to protect this institution... 
Vecchio: No, I wasn't! 
Fraser: ...and its employees with your life. 
Vecchio: You see? That's where you get confused. I am not like you, Fraser. I don't throw myself in the line of fire so that some money-grubbing, backstabbing bank doesn't have to pay higher insurance premiums! 
Fraser: You don't really mean that. 
Vecchio: Oh yes, I do. 
Fraser: No, you don't 
Vecchio: Yes, I do. 
Fraser: I beg to differ. 
Vecchio: In my heart and soul... 
Fraser: I beg to differ. 
[BANG!] 
[Outside the vault the bank robbers are preparing to drill the locking bolts on the vault door.] 
Crook #3: Could you slow down a bit, Harold? I'm looking forward to relaxing in jail this weekend. 
Harold: I gotta drill eight holes through twelve inches of steel. Now, am I doing this or are you? 
Lenny: I'm gonna go check on the truck. Why don't you put this on the door. 
[Lenny hands him an under construction sign.] 
Crook #3: What am I, a messenger boy? 
Morgan: Go! 
[Camera cuts to Francesca waiting in the Riv, polishing her fingernails and talking on her cell phone.] 
Francesca: No, Ma, I can't go to the butcher's. Because I'm busy. Ma, it's always what you need and what Ray needs. What about what I need sometime? What do I need? How about being treated like a valuable, respected human being for a change? No, Ma! The butcher does not respect me. "Kiss me and I'll give you a pork round" does not constitute respect. Ma, I gotta go. Yeah, okay Ma, fine. Pork chops and veal. Yes! Milk fed! [She turns to Dief in the back seat.] You stay here. And don't touch the radio. [As soon as she leaves, Dief jumps out of the car window.] 
[Inside the bank vault.] 
Fraser: This is interesting, Ray. It's a 1986 Windsor-Creighton Protector 2000. 
Vecchio: Fraser, do you realize that we are going to die surrounded by millions of dollars? 
Fraser: Ray, do you realize that this door has eight cantilever deadbolts countersunk into two feet of high carbon steel? And in the ten years it's been in use, to my knowledge, it has never been breached. 
Vecchio: I believe the Greeks have a word for this: hubris. 
Fraser: Well, no, Ray, actually hubris is excessive pride or wanton insolence. 
Vecchio: What about pathos? 
Fraser: Well, pathos is a quality in an artistic representation which excites a feeling of pity or sadness. 
Vecchio: What about onomatopoeia? 
Fraser: Well, onomatopoeia is wherein a word imitates the sound or action of the thing it describes, i.e. woof, bow wow, ribbit. 
Vecchio: Irony? 
[Fraser gives him a dirty look.] 
Fraser: Now, the dead bolts are roughly four inches in diameter. If they're drilling that means they intend to fill the holes with some kind of high explosive and then blow the door off its hinges. No doubt they've already disabled the surveillance cameras, so there's no fear of the police showing up, until the alarm has been triggered. 
Vecchio: Which it won't be until the door is blown. 
Fraser: Which will be too late. 
Vecchio: Which means we'll probably die. 
Fraser: Oh, we're not gonna die, Ray. No doubt some foot patrol will chance upon our unhappy scene and notice that something is amiss. 
Vecchio: In Chicago? 
Fraser: That's a good point! 
Vecchio: Francesca! 
[Francesca is seen peeking through the blinds on the bank's front door] 
Francesca: Hey! Open up in there! Don't hide from me, I see you! 
Crook #3: We're closed! 
Francesca: What? 
Crook #3: Read the sign, lady! 
Francesca: Hey! Don't get smart with me, mister! Oh, oh what! So you're saying because I'm a woman I must be over-reacting? 
Crook # 3: Don't cause a scene, lady! 
Francesca: A scene? Oh, no, no, this is not a scene. Now if I were screaming and stamping my feet for instance, LIKE THIS! [Begins stomping her feet.] YES! THIS WOULD BE MAKING A SCENE! COME ON! WHAT, ARE YOU COVERING FOR HIM? HAS HE GOT SOME GIRL IN THERE? HE DOES, DOESN'T HE? THAT LOW-LIFE CRUMB IS IN THERE MAKING A DATE WITH SOME BANK TELLER. OH, THIS IS RICH! A GUY WITH A BAD HAIR CUT FLASHES A BADGE AND THE WOMEN ARE ALL OVER HIM. 
[Morgan approaches the door to find out what's going on.] 
Crook #3: Some broad thinks we have her brother in here. 
Francesca: Look, you tell Mr. Fancy Pants Detective, either he's out here in five minutes, or I'm wrapping that car around a tree! 
Morgan: Detective, huh? 
Francesca: Okay, where is he? 
[They open the door and as Francesca steps in they point their guns at her head.] 
[Morgan holds the phone out to Francesca.] 
Morgan: Talk. 
Francesca: I refuse to be used as a pawn to force my brother to forsake his duty. 
Morgan: If that door doesn't open in ten seconds... [She waves her gun.] 
Francesca: Gimme that. [Francesca grabs the phone.] 
[Inside the vault the phone is ringing.] 
Vecchio: Phone! 
Fraser: I was afraid of this. 
[Ray lunges for the phone. Fraser wrestles him away.] 
Fraser: No, Ray! Ray, no! 
Vecchio: What are you doing? 
Fraser: It's them. 
Vecchio: Of course it's them. Who else has the phone number to the vault? 
Fraser: Ray, they are going to try to talk to us. Convince us to open the door. 
Vecchio: We can open it? 
Fraser: Of course we can open it. The release lever is right here. It's standard equipment. 
Vecchio: You knew this and you didn't tell me? 
[He begins yanking on the release lever.] 
Fraser: Ray, would please just listen to me? This isn't about the loss of millions of dollars from some bank! This is about the average ordinary citizen who has placed their trust in an institution. We're here to guard that trust. 
Vecchio: Fraser, they'll get their money back through insurance. 
[The lever comes off in his hand.] 
Vecchio: It's broken. 
Fraser: It's not broken. I disabled it. 
Vecchio: What did you do that for? 
Fraser: In case one of us weakened. 
[Ray makes a lunge for the phone again. Fraser wrestles it out of his hand and rips the cord from the wall.] 
Vecchio: What are you doing? 
Fraser: It was Francesca. 
Vecchio: Of course it's Francesca! She's in the bank! 
[Outside, Morgan grabs the phone from Francesca.] 
Francesca: He... he hung up. I'm standing here with a gun to my head and he won't even come to the phone! 
Vecchio: They're gonna kill her, Fraser. 
Fraser: No, they're not, Ray. If they can't speak to you, then they can't tell you that they have Francesca. And if they can't tell you that they have Francesca, then they can't threaten you; rendering the point of a hostage moot. 
Vecchio: But I know that they have her. 
Fraser: They don't know that you know. You see? It's the only way to protect her. 
Vecchio: She's my sister. 
Fraser: She's also a very intelligent young woman. Capable of handling herself in any given situation. 
Vecchio: You really believe that? 
Fraser: Not at all. 
Vecchio: Good, me either. 
[Outside the vault.] 
Francesca: DO SOMETHING! 
Morgan: Lady, I can't threaten them if they won't pick up the phone! 
Francesca: So, keep dialing. What kind of bank robber are you? 
Morgan: LOOK! You either shut up and sit down or I'm gonna shoot you. 
Francesca: Yeah, like anyone would notice. [Morgan shoves her to the floor.] 
Morgan: DON'T JUST STAND THERE, DRILL! 
[Outside, Lenny has just finished checking the truck when he notices Diefenbaker watching him.] 
Lenny: GET OUT OF HERE! GIT! 
Dief: Woof! 
Lenny: GO ON! 
[Dief jumps back a few steps as Lenny walks away, leaving the back door of the van slightly open.] 
[Inside the bank.] 
Francesca: They're gonna kill us all you know. A last prayer... a single bullet to the head. Tomorrow? We'll be nothing but headlines. Yes! Headlines! And photographs! Oh! Dead bodies on a blood-soaked rug. Family members prostrate with grief. A reporter chronicles their last brave moments. 
[The assistant manager begins to cry.] 
Francesca: Oh, oh no, don't cry! Hey! Let's sing a marching song! 
[Inside the vault Fraser and Ray are discussing the situation, but we see only their feet.] 
Vecchio: Okay, so they have the drills, they have the explosives, and they have my sister. And we've got? What do we got, Fraser? 
Fraser: We have our wits, Ray. 
Vecchio: They have the drills, they have the explosives and they have my sister. So we've got? 
Fraser: Well, there's always Diefenbaker, he's ever alert to an emergency. 
[Camera cuts to the van outside. Diefenbaker is busy stealing the robber's junk food.] 
Lenny: I SAID STAY OUT OF HERE! GET OUT! 
[Inside the vault.] 
Fraser: In fact, I think he will go straight for the nearest available help. 
[Camera shows Diefenbaker running down the street past a fire truck, a group of marines, and a police officer issuing a traffic citation.] 
Vecchio: Okay, so they have the drills, they have the explosives and they have my sister. 
[Out in the lobby the camera pans across the faces of the hostages while Francesca rambles on.] 
Francesca: The first thing you have to watch out for is that Norwegian syndrome. Because you cannot identify with them in any way. But not that you would, because you are brave innocent hostages and they're unfeeling worms who should be stripped naked and hung upside down by their toes... but that's later. Okay, in the meantime, I need you to listen to me very carefully. 
Mr. Cooper: Excuse me. Who are you, anyway? 
[Camera cuts to Diefenbaker running down the street.] 
[Back inside the bank the drilling stops.] 
Morgan: You got it? 
Harold: I can't tell. I don't know how deep the deadbolts are. I need the specs for the door. 
[Inside the vault, Fraser is testing the door with a tuning fork.] 
Fraser: Now, I don't have the specifications for the door, Ray. But I've been making calculations based on its thickness, the depth of the existing hole and the reflection of the tonal input as it percusses against my tuning fork. 
Vecchio: Where the hell did you get a tuning fork? 
Fraser: That's not important, what is important is that I have managed to ascertain that the bolts are eight point three inches from the outside surface. 
[Outside the door, Morgan points her gun at Mr. Cooper.] 
Morgan: How far? 
Mr. Cooper: About eight inches. 
Harold: We're there, then. That's nineteen point one minutes a bolt... 
[Inside the vault.] 
Fraser: ...nineteen point one minutes per bolt to drill the remaining holes, another two minutes after that to set the charges and then another minute to prime them... 
[Outside the vault.] 
Harold: ...and a minute to prime them. 
[Inside the vault.] 
Fraser: Now that is one hundred and thirty minutes in total. The upshot of this, Ray, is that we need a plan. 
Vecchio: Well, there is a plan, Fraser, and it goes something like this: They drill the door. They blow the door. They shoot us with automatic weapons and we die. 
Fraser: Hmmm. What about a happier plan, Ray? One in which we surprise them, we disarm them and we rescue the hostages. 
Vecchio: And we do all of this with a tuning fork? Look, Fraser, if I had a choice between one of their plans and one of yours, I'd choose theirs. It's probably safer. 
[Out in the bank lobby, Francesca is still rambling.] 
Francesca: Sure we'll die painful grisly deaths, but it will be worth it, because finally our families will respect us. 
[Inside the vault Fraser is pacing back and forth, while Ray rests on the floor.] 
Fraser: You know, Ray, there's only one way to break out of here, rescue your sister and prevent this robbery. 
Vecchio: Yeah, how's that? 
Fraser: It'd be dangerous. You'd be risking your life. You'd have to trust me implicitly. 
Vecchio: Yeah? Well, I don't trust you at all. 
Fraser: You don't really mean that, do you? 
Vecchio: Oh, yes, I do. I mean, why should I trust you? In the last two years you've risked our lives twenty-two times. 
Fraser: Boy, I had no idea it'd been that many. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well it has. 
Fraser: I didn't realize you'd been counting. 
Vecchio: Well, I just felt that I should because you didn't seem to pay any attention to it. 
Fraser: I'm sorry if it upset you, Ray. 
Vecchio: I am not upset, I just wish you would ask me about it, let me know in advance. 
Fraser: How far in advance? 
Vecchio: I don't know, how about an hour? 
Fraser: What if we're in the middle of a crisis, Ray? 
Vecchio: Just ask me. 
Fraser: All right, I'm asking you. 
Vecchio: Well, I'll have to think about it. 
Fraser: Why? 
Vecchio: 'Cause I'll just have to think about it, okay? God, I'd just like to get some rest. 
[Camera cuts to Diefenbaker still running in search of help.] 
[Back in the bank lobby, Francesca whispers into Crook #3's ear.] 
Francesca: I know we've only known each other a short time, but for some reason I feel a deep kinship towards you and your cause and I know now that I want to dedicate my life to whatever your life is dedicated to. 
Crook #3: We're stealing money, lady. 
Francesca: Oh! Well I suppose that'll do. 
[Crook #3 points his gun at her and motions for her to sit down on the floor.] 
[Dief is still running.] 
[Inside the bank vault, Ray is still resting on the floor. Fraser is sitting next him tapping his hands on his knees, staring at Ray and waiting.] 
Vecchio: Okay! Okay! What is it? 
[Fraser opens his mouth to speak, but Ray interrupts.] 
Vecchio: No! No, don't tell me! Don't tell me. Just do it. Okay? Because if you tell me, two things are going to happen: one, I'm gonna know it's stupid, and two, you're gonna do it anyway. This way you can just do it and I won't know that it's stupid. 
Fraser: So you've given this some thought? 
Vecchio: Yes. 
Fraser: You're quite sure? 
Vecchio: Oh, I'm positive. 
Fraser: All right. 
[Fraser stands up, grabs the door lever and uses it to break the sprinkler head. Water begins pouring from the broken sprinkler.] 
Vecchio: HEY! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR? 
Fraser: Well, you said you didn't want to know. 
Vecchio: YEAH? WELL NOW I WANNA KNOW! 
Fraser: Well, I'm not sure that I should tell you. 
Vecchio: WELL TELL ME! 
Fraser: You're sure? 
Vecchio: YES! 
Fraser: All right, as I mentioned earlier, they have one hundred and thirty-seven minutes to open this vault. Now they resumed drilling exactly five minutes and twenty-seven seconds ago. That leaves them one hundred and thirty-one minutes and thirty seconds. Now, taking into account the dimensions of this room, the size of this sprinkler head and the rate of the flow of water, by the time they blow this door, this vault will be filled with water. They will be met by a virtual tidal wave. 
Vecchio: Where will we be in the mean time? 
Fraser: Floating. 
Vecchio: I realize that. Dead or alive? 
Fraser: Well, there should be sufficient air left. 
Vecchio: How much is sufficient? 
Fraser: About an inch, give or take. 
Vecchio: Oh, that much? 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: THAT MUCH? 
Fraser: Oh yeah, yeah. That is, providing they maintain a constant rate of drilling. 
[Out in the bank lobby, Francesca removes her jacket.] 
Francesca: It's now or never. Auf wiedersehen. [She walks toward the vault door.] Hey! You with the drill! [She rips open her blouse, revealing a bright red bustier.] Take me! 
[Harold stops drilling and removes his goggles to get a better look.] 
[Inside the vault, Ray waits with his coat over his head.] 
Vecchio: What if they stop drilling? 
[Diefenbaker has finally made it back to the consulate where the new constable is still standing guard duty. Two little boys are shooting spit wads at him while he stands at attention. Small white dots of paper cover one side of his face.] 
Dief: Woof, growl, woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! 
[There is no response from the sentry.] 
Smaller boy: Maybe he's stuffed. 
Dief: Woof, woof, woof! 
[Back inside the vault, Ray and Fraser stand soaking wet, watching the door.] 
Vecchio: The backup plan? 
[Out in the lobby, Harold resumes drilling while Lenny secures Francesca to a chair with duct tape.] 
Francesca: All right! So it was a desperate and foolish ploy. But someone has to stand up to you people. I'll sacrifice anything, you know. My life, my honor, even my body. 
Lenny: Look, I promise you, lady, nobody wants your body. 
Francesca: Well, you say that now, but later when you're tired and frustrated and the smell of sweat is in the air... 
Morgan: Are you done yet? 
Lenny: Will you shut up and stay put, please? 
Morgan: You should have had her tied up in the first place. 
[Francesca swivels around in her chair to face the other hostages.] 
Francesca: You see? I have them right where I want them. They think I'm nuts! 
[Obviously the other hostages think so too.] 
[Back inside the vault Ray sits up to his knees in water.] 
Vecchio: You know, I just can't shake this feeling that we're gonna die. 
[Camera pans down to reveal Fraser under water.] FRASER! 
[Fraser pops up out of the water, checks his watch and listens at the door.] 
Vecchio: How many was that? 
Fraser: Six, two more to go. All right we've lost seven minutes. And at six point two cubic inches per second, that will leave us approximately... Well, you know, Ray, there are worse things than dying. 
Vecchio: Name three. 
Fraser: How about two? 
Vecchio: All right. 
Fraser: Living without honor or dying without reason. 
Vecchio: Which one would this be? 
Fraser: Well, this wouldn't be either of those, actually. This would be more like... death in the line of duty. 
Vecchio: You know, I always thought duty was what you got paid to do. This is more like voluntary stupidity. 
Fraser: Well, I'm sure there are some people who think that's what good deeds are, Ray. 
Vecchio: Well, aren't they? 
Fraser: Well, I don't know. I've never thought about it. 
[Back at the consulate.] 
Dief: Woof, woof, woof! 
[The church clock begins to chime and the sentry suddenly comes to life.] 
Constable: Trouble? 
Dief: Woof! Woof! 
Constable: Canadian? 
Dief: Woof! 
Constable: Lead on! 
[Back at the bank, Crook #3 prepares the explosive for the vault door.] 
Crook #3: Get the detonator. 
[The constable is seen running down the street with Diefenbaker in the lead.] 
[Back in the vault, the water is now waist deep.] 
Vecchio: The point is, Fraser, you almost get yourself killed for some stupid cause every other day and you never stop to ask yourself what are you getting out of this. Is someone paying you to do this? Or am I just some crazed do-gooder? Or, is God telling you to do this? 
[Ray begins taking money out of one of the bags on the shelf.] 
Fraser: Ray! That is private property! 
Vecchio: I don't care! I'm getting my twelve hundred and forty-two bucks. All right? That is what I'm getting out of this. But what about you? Do you know what you're getting out of this? No, you don't, do you? 
Fraser: No, Ray, it is simply a responsibility I took on when I put on the uniform. 
Vecchio: Uniform? You don't even like that uniform! They took away the uniform that you liked. And did you say anything? No! Not a word! 
[Dief and the constable are seen running down the street. Suddenly, an armed robber backs out of a store in front of them. The constable disarms the robber, tosses the gun and money bag back to the startled store owner and continues running after Dief.] 
[Back in the bank, Harold pulls the drill away from the vault door.] 
Harold: We're done. 
Morgan: Blow it. 
[Out on the street, the constable pauses to help a group of preschool children cross the street.] 
[Francesca watches the robbers prepare to blow the vault door. She reaches out with her foot and pulls the cord behind her back and begins to rub it against the back of the chair.] 
Francesca: [To the other hostages:] Think of me fondly. 
[The hostages try to inch away from her.] 
[Back inside the vault, Ray and Fraser are now floating on their backs with their bare feet sticking up out of the water using bags of money as floatation devices.] 
Vecchio: Admit it, Fraser. You feel unappreciated. Can you do this for me? Can you do this one small thing for me? Can you admit that at least once in your perfect existence you've felt the need to put yourself before your duty? Because if you do that, I can float peacefully to my death. 
Fraser: Why, Ray? 
Vecchio: I just will, now humor me. 
Fraser: All right. Uh, occasionally, it's only very occasionally... Is this really necessary? 
Vecchio: Fraser, I am drowning on dry land. 
Fraser: All right, Ray, all right. Occasionally I do feel... what was it? 
Vecchio: Unappreciated. 
Fraser: Unappreciated. Occasionally I do feel unappreciated. 
Vecchio: You do? 
Fraser: Occasionally. 
Vecchio: Well, thank you! Good! Well, from now on, for the next minute or two, can you try to stick up for yourself more? 
Fraser: I will try, Ray. 
[Outside the vault door, Crook #3 has finished installing the explosives.] 
Crook #3: We're on. 
[Inside the vault, Ray and Fraser are treading water, their heads barely inches from the ceiling.] 
Vecchio: Well, at least they won't be gathered for nothing on Thursday. Hey, Benny! 
Fraser: Yes, Ray? 
Vecchio: My eulogy, I would have liked you to have delivered it. 
Fraser: Well, I'm honored, Ray. 
Vecchio: What would you have said? 
Fraser: Well, let's see. I think I would have said that you were a good friend and that you never failed me. 
Vecchio: I didn't, did I? 
Fraser: Never. Well, except for that one time. 
Vecchio: What time? 
Fraser: You know, Ray to discuss it in a situation like this really would be considered nitpicky. 
Vecchio: How did I fail you? 
Fraser: You didn't really fail me... I've almost forgotten about it. 
Vecchio: Well, ten seconds ago you didn't forget about it. You see, this is so like you. Here we are having a nice mano y mano and you have to ruin it by being honest. 
[Outside in the lobby, the door is primed and ready. The robbers have taken cover behind a partition.] 
Morgan: Do it. 
[Crook #3 depresses the button on the detonator and nothing happens.] 
Morgan: What now? 
[They stand up and look toward the door. Lenny, Harold and Crook #3 begin walking toward it when Morgan notices that the cord has been pulled behind Francesca's chair.] 
Francesca: What? 
[Behind her back we see that she has broken the cord in two and the bare wires are barely an inch apart.] 
Morgan: YOU! 
[She lunges toward Francesca causing her to flinch and the wires connect. The door explodes just as Lenny, Harold and Crook #3 reach it. They are thrown backwards onto the floor.] 
[Inside the vault.] 
Vecchio: What was that? 
Fraser: Our plan unfolding. 
[Outside the vault door, the robbers have picked themselves up off of the floor and are approaching the door.] 
Fraser: Ready? 
[ They duck under the water, just as the door explodes outward.] 
[The three robbers are thrown backwards by the force of the rushing water, knocking them unconscious against a partition as Ray and Fraser slide to safety.] 
Francesca: [struggling to keep her feet out of the rushing water.] Forty-nine dollar shoes! 
[Morgan rushes for the front door. She reaches it at the same time as the constable. They collide and are both knocked unconscious.] 
Dief: Woof! 
Fraser: Good work, Ray! 
Vecchio: And you, Fraser! 
[Ray and Fraser are untying the hostages.] 
Vecchio: I thought I told you to stay in the car. 
Francesca: Yeah, that's gratitude. 
Vecchio: For what? 
Francesca: Thirty years of picking up socks, buying veal and kissing butchers. 
Vecchio: Excuse me? 
Francesca: And the next time I say five minutes, I mean five minutes! Clear? 
[Ray and Fraser are seen coming out of the bank. Fraser gazes down at the unconscious constable.] 
Vecchio: You see, Fraser, now this is how it's done. The criminals are inside and we are outside. Now, do you think you can remember that next time? 
Fraser: I'll try, Ray. 
Vecchio: Thank you. Is that a smile? 
Fraser: No. No, of course not. Of course not, although, I will admit to a certain satisfaction. 
Vecchio: It is a smile. Well, I'll be! 
Fraser: Be what, Ray? 
Vecchio: It's an expression. 
Fraser: It means nothing to me. 
[Later at the consulate, Fraser stands in front of Inspector Thatcher's desk. The camera pans upward from his feet to reveal that he is again wearing the brown uniform.] 
Fraser: With respect, ma'am, I have always considered myself to be a diligent officer who has conducted himself with loyalty and obedience. However, this uniform... I have worn this uniform with pride my entire career, as my father wore his and many before him. To me it is much more than just a... a piece of cloth. It is a tradition that links me to every officer who has ever worn it and acquitted himself with honor and integrity. While it is not the current fashion, I would be hard pressed to change it without feeling that I had, in some way, betrayed that tradition. And so, in that this uniform, while not in common usage, is still regulation issue; and in that at most postings the choice of uniform rests with the officer and not with the commander... Well, I--I would prefer... That is, if it's all the same... um... actually I don't much care... Ma'am, I will not change my uniform. 
Thatcher: You're fired. 
Fraser: Understood. 

End of Vault
 
 
 
 
 
 

Witness

[Fraser is dashing down the street, carrying what appears to be dry cleaning in a clear plastic cover on a hanger. He runs into the Consulate, past a Mountie standing guard duty and up the stairs] 
Thatcher's secretary: Good luck. 
Thatcher: You're late. 
Fraser: Uh yes, there was a delay at the dry cleaners. 
Thatcher: I thought true blue types like you didn't believe in excuses Fraser. 
Fraser: Well you're quite right and I'm sorry for apologizing. If I'd only noticed the smoke earlier I -- 
Thatcher: Smoke? 
Fraser: Yes. Apparently the pressing machine short circuited. Now by the time I got the cashiers out, racks A through E were already in flames and I was only able to save this. I'm afraid it's a little singed. 
Thatcher: You ran into a burning building to save a mohair sweater? 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Thatcher: Pardon me if that sounds like pure stupidity. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Thatcher: You don't agree. 
Fraser: No sir. Stupidity would have been if I ran back in for your leather chaps. 
Thatcher: Dismissed. 
Fraser: That's what you said yesterday. 
Thatcher: Well it may take a few days, you're a civil servant, there's formalities. I have to get confirmation from Ottawa. Or you can make it easy on me and request a transfer. 
Fraser: Yes, I suppose I could. 
Thatcher: Think about it. 
Fraser: Yes sir I will. 
Thatcher: Dismissed. 
Fraser: Don't you need your glasses sir? 
Thatcher: I don't wear glasses. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Thatcher's secretary: Transfer request. 
Fraser: Huh. 
Thatcher's secretary: I understand the leaves are changing in Kamloops. 
***courthouse*** 
St. Laurent: You're the arresting officer, is that correct? 
Vecchio: That's correct. 
St. Laurent: Detective, what time did you receive the call to go to the scene. 
Vecchio: I got the call around 9:15 and I arrived approximately five minutes later. 
St. Laurent: Please tell us what happen from the time you arrived outside the liquor store. 
Vecchio: When I arrived, the crime scene had already been established. Uniformed officers had taped off the area and the medical examiner was in the process of removing the store owners body. 
St. Laurent: Were there signs of a struggle? 
Vecchio: No. 
Robert: You thought about it yet son? 
Fraser: It's only been an hour. 
Robert: Well you ought to you know. 
Fraser: Dad. 
St. Laurent: Were there any witnesses on the scene? 
Vecchio: Yes. An eye witness came forward. Mrs. Rosanna Torres. I questioned the witness and based on her description was able to put together a line-up of probable suspects. 
St. Laurent: Was she able to make an identification? 
Vecchio: Yes. She identified the accused. 
St. Laurent: Can you identify him please. 
Vecchio: Mr. Robert Kruger. 
St. Laurent: After Mr. Kruger was identified, you applied for a search warrant? 
Vecchio: I did and we found a nine millimeter hand gun recently fired. 
St. Laurent: Which perfectly matched the bullet that killed Mr. Garcia. This ballistics report is states exhibit 23 your honor. What happen next, Detective. 
Vecchio: I arrested Mr. Kruger on charges of armed robbery and murder. 
St. Laurent: Thank you. That's all. 
Judge: You may leave the witness stand Detective Vecchio. 
St. Laurent: I'd like to call Rosanna Torres your honor. 
Bailiff: Rosanna Torres to the stand. 
Vecchio: [about Louise] She wants me bad. 
Fraser: I think she wants to kill you. 
Vecchio: Hmm, that too. 
St. Laurent: Mrs. Torres, on the night of June 14, 1994, you were walking along Center Street when you heard gun shots. 
Fraser: Should we wait and listen to her testimony? 
Vecchio: No-no-no-no-no. It's all over now except for the shouting. 
Fraser: What shouting. 
St. Laurent: You describe to us what you saw when you turned and looked toward the sound of the gun fire. 
Mrs. Torres: No. 
St. Laurent: You did not see the defendant exit as-- 
Siracusa: Objection. Leading. 
Judge: Sustained. 
St. Laurent: Okay, what did you see? 
Mrs. Torres: Nothing. 
St. Laurent: Nothing? What about your sworn statement to Detective Vecchio? 
Mrs. Torres: It was dark. I'm sorry. 
St. Laurent: What about your statement? 
Mrs. Torres: It was a mistake. 
St. Laurent: A mistake? 
Mrs. Torres: I tried to tell you but he 
Vecchio: Okay, what the hell is going on here? 
Siracusa: Your honor I more for a dismissal. 
Judge: Both of you, in my chambers. Now. 
St. Laurent: Great, just great. 
[Judges chamber. Louise and ccc arguing, you only see them from the neck down. Between them and back a ways is Ray sitting in a chair. He isn't happy] 
Siracusa: Urban proof. Admissibility. Relevance. 
St. Laurent: Armed robbery. Murder. Criminal intent. 
Siracusa: Perjury. 
Vecchio: Perjury? 
Siracusa: Not to mention a blatant disregard of my clients 5th and 7th amendment rights. If you don't rule of this immediately then I'll file charges of misconduct faster than you can say Subordination of a witness. 
Judge: Save your grandstanding for the paying customers, Mr. ccc 
Siracusa: Will you rule on my motion to suppress the gun? 
Judge: Miss sl? 
St. Laurent: Judge? 
Siracusa: No witness, no warrant. No warrant, no gun. No gun, no case. It's all fruit of the poisoned tree. 
St. Laurent: Judge, Detective Vecchio is an experienced officer with a commendable record. 
Siracusa: Of manufacturing evidence. 
Vecchio: Bull! 
Judge: I caution you Detective you are still under the courts jurisdiction during this proceeding. What about your witness. 
Siracusa: She just swore under oath that she didn't see him. 
St. Laurent: Oh yeah and I have a signed deposition in my hand that says she did. 
Siracusa: Your honor, Detective Vecchio has a history with my client. 
St. Laurent: That's irrelevant your honor. 
Judge: Here in chambers nothing is irrelevant. 
Siracusa: Clearly persecution. 
Vecchio: Oh please, give me a break. 
Judge: Okay let me get this straight. Detective Vecchio, you and Kruger have a history? 
Vecchio: Uh yes your honor. I arrested Mr. Kruger on similar charges two years ago. 
Siracusa: My client walked on that your honor. It was a case made entirely in Detective Vecchio's head. Not unlike this one apparently. Never got over that one did you? 
Vecchio: He beat an old woman in a smoke shop and got off on a procedural fowl up. 
Siracusa: And you've been on him ever since. 
Vecchio: Oh maybe that's an over reaction to the fact that he keeps committing crimes? 
Judge: What we have here is a woman who says you cohersed her into giving false testimony. 
Vecchio: She's lying and maybe somebody should find out why. 
Judge: You will have no further contact with the witness understood? 
St. Laurent: Your honor, I would like to request a postponement while the state revisits elements of the case. 
Judge: I'll consider it Miss St. Laurent. In the meantime, this is what I want. A report on the lighting conditions outside the victims store that evening as it pertains to visibility. I want Mr. Kruger's previous arrest report and most of all, I want your case notes on both incidents, Detective. 
Vecchio: Your honor, I'm not sure -- 
Judge: You do keep personal notes on your cases? 
Vecchio: Well I do but don't-- 
Judge: Get em. You've got until three o'clock this afternoon. 
[court hall] 
Vecchio: The witness says I cohorst her. 
Fraser: Will your case notes prove you're telling the truth? 
Vecchio: No! If I don't produce them it'll look like I'm lying, Kruger walks and I'm toast. 
Fraser: Ah. Miss St. Laurent. 
St. Laurent: Oh God, the other one. Old habits die hard, eh, Vecchio? 
Vecchio: Louise, did I neglect to tell you how fine in a prosecutable way you look in that suit? 
St. Laurent: Do your friend a favor, Fraser, convince him to find those case notes. I don't give second chances. [she gets in the elevator they were waiting for] 
Vecchio: She's just playing hard to get. 
Fraser: The stairs. 
Vecchio: Don't you think? 
Fraser: Think what? 
Vecchio: That's she's playing hard to get. 
Fraser: To get what? 
Vecchio: Oh never mind. 
[27th precinct] 
Welsh: Unofficial case notes and why do we keep them? Stupidity? Carelessness? Any Ideas Vecchio? 
Vecchio: They're personal notes sir. We don't actually expect anybody to produce them. 
Welsh: Oh no, never do. You just got things down on matchbooks and napkins. We don't use the proper forms. And then we're surprised when a lawyer accuses us of withholding things that shouldn't have existed in the first place. 
Vecchio: Every cop in the station keeps a notebook sir. 
Welsh: Yeah but every cop doesn't hang on to them in the hopes that someday they might incriminate them. [Fraser is straightening through the file cabinets] What is his involvement in this? 
Vecchio: Ah certainly unofficial sir. 
Welsh: Why do I not find that reassuring. 
Vecchio: Well he can't help that it's a Canadian thing sir. I think he gets extra points for neatness. 
Welsh: It's a quality I admire. Still, knowing the States Attorney's past fondness for Big Red [Fraser finds a Riv rearview mirror in the cabinet and before you write and ask how I know it's from a Riv, it's Ray's files so of course he'd keep extras just laying around]I would have thought you'd go to great pains to keep both of them far apart. The handling of this case is uh, reaching new heights of fruitillity. 
Vecchio: Well no more discouraged then myself sir. 
Louis: Hey sorry to hear about your troubles man. 
Vecchio: Thanks for your feigned concern. 
Huey: States Attorney called. They want photos of the lighting set u0p on the street by the liquor store. 
Welsh: Well do as the States Attorney asks. 
Huey: Yes sir. 
Welsh: And Gardino. Loose the goatee. 
Vecchio: You check the case? No. We won't be needing that. 
[in the Riv, Ray driving, Fraser in the back seat, Elaine sitting up front. Her hair is wet. Fraser is digging around in the case that Elaine brought with her.] 
Elaine: Thank God you called Vecchio because otherwise I might be enjoying myself right now. Let's define our terms here. Does Day Off mean anything to you? 
Fraser: Towel. 
Elaine: One day out of two weeks I ask for a little peace, a little relaxation, a little personal nurturing. 
Vecchio: Elaine you have no life, stop whining. 
Fraser: Conditioner. 
Vecchio: Kruger, Robert D. Arrested June ninety-four. Armed robbery, murder one. No pretrial went straight to the grand jury. 
Elaine: No idea. Take me home. 
Vecchio: Elaine. 
Elaine: I have County records. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! 
Vecchio: Elaine. A man died in that hold up. Kruger killed him, but nobodies going to care about that if they think the cop who charged him is dirty, okay? I need your help, okay? 
Elaine: Okay. 
Vecchio: And besides, Fast Eddie's on security. He likes you. 
Elaine: What? 
Fraser: Hot brush? 
[records] 
Eddie: You know the case number you're after? 
Vecchio: Uh, yeah that's the reason we come down to County records. 
[Eddie is making this annoying ba-dump-ing noise over and over. I think he thinks its music] 
Eddie: So you want something here? And you want it fast? You come to me. That's why they call me Fast Eddie. That and other reasons. [more of the ba-dump-ing] Of course it's not strictly in alphabetical order, but I could help you with that. [more of the ba-dumping] 
[court house] 
Vecchio: So? 
Huey No street lights. Not within two blocks. No neon. Not even a bill board. 
Louis: Shoulda told us about it man. 
Vecchio: Hey look the light was coming from somewhere alright? If I could see it, so could she. 
Huey Look, don't get with us Vecchio. You're not straight with us we can't back you up. 
Vecchio: Yeah, thanks for your vote of confidence. 
St. Laurent: Vecchio? 
Judge: On the matter of visibility, I have photos here that indicate it's highly unlikely that the witness would have been able to see anything on exiting the liquor store. 
Vecchio: She came to me voluntarily. She said she could I.D. the guy who shot the store owner. Voluntarily. 
Siracusa: And you didn't think at the time to ask her how she could possibly make an identification under those conditions? 
Vecchio: She I.D.-ed a guy I know to a tee. A known felon. I picked him up, she picked him out of the line up and no we did not discuss the damned lighting. 
Judge. I assume your case notes will support that. Let me have them. 
Vecchio: Uh, no. I just need a little more-- 
Siracusa: Your honor I move for a dismissal and I want charges brought against this officer for harassment and perjury. 
Vecchio: Thais is not about case notes. This is about some piece of garbage with a good mouth piece trying to make a good cop look like a bad guy so his client can go free on a murder charge. 
Judge: Detective I instructed you to have those case books in my office by three o'clock. You're in defiance of a court order. 
Vecchio: I'm not in defiance of anything. I'm being railroaded here. Come one your honor don't let some ass kissing defense lawyer's paper chase give this guy a walk. 
Siracusa: Ass kissing. 
Judge: Careful Detective 
Vecchio: Look if you let this scum back out on the street he's gonna murder someone else and I'm gonna have to turn around and arrest him all over again. 
Judge: Stop. 
Vecchio: Back off. 
Judge: That's enough Detective you're in contempt. 
Vecchio: You're damned right I'm in contempt. I'm in contempt of this whole lousy process. I'm in contempt of you, you and you. 
Judge: Get the deputy in here. 
Vecchio: I know there was lighting in that alley. You're on your own. The car's parked out front. 
St. Laurent: This is a capital office you can't throw it out a procedural matter. 
Judge: Nothing happens until he apologizes. See you back in court in 48 hours. Enjoy it. Mrs. Torres. [Mrs. Torres goes into the Judges chambers] 
Fraser: You know he would not fabricate evidence. 
St. Laurent: That is the least of what I know about him. If I can find a way to tie you into this, it would make my year. 
Kruger: Hey Vecchio! Looks like we're gonna be neighbors for a while. 
Vecchio: First time arresting a cop? 
[Fraser is preparing to drive the Riv. Gets it, then out, paces off the distance between him and the car behind him, gets in, fools with the seat belt, mirror, starts the motor, the wipers...] 
Robert: So we're off then. [he looks at the transfer papers] 
Fraser: Do you mind! This is private. 
Robert: I don't know about you but I could use a change of scenery. 
Fraser: What possible difference could scenery make in your condition. 
Robert: Well I always liked a good view. 
Fraser: What? Barren rocks and snow? 
Robert: You used to climb those rocks. 
Fraser: I still do. 
Robert: Well let's choose one then [pulls out a map] 
Fraser: Dad, I don't have time for this. I'm in the middle of a case. 
Robert: Oh. Lord Nelson. Your mother and I had a cabin. One bedroom with stove and all the coal she could carry and 360 degree view of the strip mines. 
Fraser: Sounds attractive. 
Robert: Three months and your mother was a raving lunatic. Then we moved on to Nelson Port, Nelson House. The names alone drove her around the bend. We finally ended up in Rat River. Oh I have fond memories of the Rat. Your mother didn't. 
Fraser: I can imagine. 
Robert: Gotta look ahead son, not back. 
Fraser: I haven't left yet. 
Robert: You will. 
[prison] 
Guard: Open C-203. We're at the stairs right now. You got a lot of friends here Ray. 
Vecchio: Got a lot of friends everywhere. 
Guard: Not like these friends. Word spread about you joining us. 
Vecchio: Hey you trying to scare me? 
Guard: C-218. I'm just telling you the way it is. 
Vecchio: Appreciate it. 
Guard: C-254. Your lieutenant called. We're gonna do our best. You know the drill. 
Vecchio: I know the drill. [inmates look Ray over, Ray looks them over] 
[Riv is speeding along, screeching and finally comes to rest in front of a hydrant. Fraser gets out, examines the alley, almost steps on broken glass] 
Fraser: Dad? Good.[Dad is gone but Dief is complaining] Oh come on, it wasn't that bad. 
[he climbs the building to examine where the lighting use to be] 
Cop: Hey! Spiderman! You mind coming down from there, sir? 
Fraser: No, not at all. 
Cop: Just stay off the walls on my beat. 
Fraser: Understood. [reads the ticket he got for parking next to the hydrant] Thank you kindly. Oh stop complaining. [gets back in pulls out without looking, gets honked at by several people] 
[radio conversation while Fraser is trying to drive] 
Louis: 1680 West Banister, Apt 410. 
Fraser: Uh thank you Louis. 
Louis: St. L hears about this - 
Fraser: I understand. Ohhhhh dearrrr. [runs into the trash piled on the curb and almost into three people.] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my mistake. [one guy is thumping the hood in anger] It's entirely my fault. I'll just uh- [he backs it up. 
Louis: Do you hear me? 
Fraser: My lips are sealed, Louis. 
[prison hospital] 
Trustee: Vecchio, I'll be right with you. Grab a mop. Try and keep a low profile alright? This corner right here. 
Inmate: [steps on the mop Ray is using and smiles at him] Ray, how are ya? 
[laundry mat] 
Mrs. Torres: Those lawyers. They bring me to the courthouse. They ask me the same questions over and over. For months I have been answering these questions. 
Fraser: Do you have any hangers? 
Mrs. Torres: Basket. I don't have time for this. I have children. Work. 
Fraser: Have you tried telling them the truth? 
Mrs. Torres: Yes. I don't trust those people. In my country those people... 
Fraser: Can you uh...was your husband at the courthouse today? 
Mrs. Torres: No. 
Fraser: Oh, I'm sorry. I noticed your wedding ring. 
Mrs. Torres: My husband doesn't time for questions either. 
Fraser: No of course not. So who was that man with you today? 
Mrs. Torres: What man? 
Fraser: The tall one with the long hair. 
Mrs. Torres: Don't know him. 
Fraser: He seemed to know you. Where is your husband Mrs. Torres. There's no men's clothing in this laundry. 
Mrs. Torres: Look, my husband is none of your business. 
Fraser: You're a religious woman aren't you? You wear a St. Sabastion medal. Patron saint of prisoners. The medal protects them. Of course in today's prisons a prisoner wouldn't be allowed to wear such a medal. But someone might wear it for him. 
Mrs. Torres: Look, I'm sorry about your friend, but he's a policeman. They take care of their own. 
Fraser: Do you know what perjury is? There was a light in that street. Three months ago it hung from the building less than 20 feet away from that liquor store. A light may not be there now but there will be records and there will be permits and when the lawyers get a hold of it there will be more questions. So I will ask you again, Do you know what perjury is? 
Mrs. Torres: I don't have time for this. 
[prison visiting center] 
Fraser: Torres, Edward H. Two Prior convictions. Both for grand theft auto. 
Vecchio: It's getting crowded up hear. 
Fraser: He was transferred from Joliet two weeks ago to face parole hearing. 
Vecchio: Kruger. What you want to bet they're bunk mates. 
Fraser: Well perhaps we should notify States Attorney. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, She's going to be thrilled you're talking to a witness. And ten to one says she thinks I put you up to it. 
Fraser: Well maybe you could find Torres, try to talk to him, offer him immunity. 
Vecchio: In my position I can't offer him anything. Besides how am I going to get to him from segregation? 
Fraser: uh, it does seem our options are somewhat limited. And don't tell me, you fell? 
Vecchio: I was mopping. Floor jumped up and hit me right in the head. 
Fraser: You know you could try apologizing. 
Vecchio: To who? 
Fraser: To the judge. 
[Welsh's office] 
Fraser: I'm not asking for your permission sir nor should this be construed as some kind of bid for absolution. I simply felt that you ought to be informed. As a superior officer. I mean I realize you're not my superior officer, we don't work for the same police force. Or for the same country for that matter. On the other hand it would appear my own superior officer would prefer not to be my superior officer therefore under the circumstances it didn't seem entirely inappropriate-- 
Welsh: Stop. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Welsh: This has to do with Vecchio doesn't it? 
Fraser: That would be a safe assumption sir. Yes. 
Welsh: You've seen him? 
Fraser: Yes sir and he claims to have an altercation with a floor. 
Welsh: Any particular type of floor? 
Fraser: Interlocking linoleum I believe. 
Welsh: Oh yeah, yeah, They can be very tricky. Is there anything I can do to assist? 
Fraser: Well, nothing actually sir. No. Do to the nature of the situation I would prefer to do this off the record and on my own initiative. I simply felt that I ought to notify someone. Force of habit I imagine. 
Welsh: I see. And this new inspector, she's not the type of person you could... 
Fraser: Oh sir, she's not the type of person you would...let me put it this way. We seem to lack repoire. 
Welsh: Any idea why? 
Fraser: Not in the slightest. 
Welsh: Women in authority. It's a quandary. It shouldn't be but it is. 
Fraser: Sir? 
Welsh: I mean you want to treat em like the rest of the guys, want them to have sweat rings and maybe a little too much garlic on their breath. But no. No. Not women. Women smell goo. And women look good. And then they smile at you and before you know it you're smiling back. And the first time they tear a piece off you, it's like somebody sticking an ice pick through your heart. 
Fraser: Sir? Uh...sir? I have no idea what you are talking about. [he heads for the door and O'Neill is there] 
Fraser: Hi. [he then bows] Excuse me. 
Commander Sherry O'Neill: This is much better. Thank you. 
Welsh: Yes sir. 
Commander Sherry O'Neill: You okay? 
Welsh: Yeah, sure. [they both smile. She leaves] 
[at a store, near the candy] 
Louis: You sure you want to do this? 
Fraser: Quite sure. 
Huey: Once we do it, there's no going back. 
Fraser: I understand. 
Huey: After this no more favors, okay? 
Fraser: No, I'll never ask again. 
Louis: Nice and slow. Take your hands out. 
Fraser: Hmmm hum. 
Louis: Grab the milkduds and put them in your pocket. 
Fraser: Understood. Perhaps I should pay for them first. 
Louis: Then you wouldn't be stealing. 
Fraser: That's a good point. Should you be watching? 
Huey: He's right. We'll be over there. 
Louis: Right. 
Fraser: [to Dief who is staring at him] What? Yes I realize this is setting a bad example but it is necessary. Sh. You'll give up the game. 
Huey: What? 
Fraser: I can't. I mean maybe if it were less expensive or... 
Louis: They're milkduds. 
Huey: It doesn't matter how much it costs. If you're not going to take em. We're going to arrest you, got it? 
Fraser: It's a good point. 
Louis: Fraser, you can do this. 
Fraser: I can do this. [he heads for the candy, does a turn around as is back] I can't. I can't. I can't do this. 
[Louis grabs him by the arm, walks him over and puts a box of milkduds in his pocket] 
Huey: There. You're under arrest. 
Fraser: [so relieved he begins to babble] Oh thank you kindly. I have the right to remain silent anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law... 
[prison. Ray is mopping the infirmery, looks up and sees Fraser in prison clothes. Fraser sees him and gives in a 'thumbs up.' 
Vecchio: Oh God. 
Fraser [to guard putting him in lockup]: Oh uh, I'll be fine. [to the group of inmates] Good evening. Evening fellow prisoners. My name is Fraser, B. Number uh...1219 and you would be? Ah! You would be 8356. It's nice to meet you. Good evening sir. Excuse me I wonder if you might be able to um...no I don't imagine you could. [spots an unmade bunk] Ah! There's the ticket. [whistles Swing Low Sweet Chariot] Good evening. Ah. I suppose you are all wondering what it is I am attempting to achieve. Now the secret to perfect corners lies in the tuck. A firm tuck from corner to corner. Now if you could just grab that end please. Good now, grasp the sheet tightly. No now you see that would be far to firm a grasp. Anyone else? [whole group is laughing, cell door opens and laughter stops. Everyone scatters as 2353, Carl, enters. This guy is seven feet tall, muscular and you wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley] Good evening uh ... 2353: Would you prefer the upper or um... [Carl takes the lower, made bed] 
Voice: Lights out! 
Fraser: I guess I'll just...well. 
Robert: Nice. 
Fraser: What now? 
Robert: Of course it's not the Rat. But very few places are. 
Fraser: Go to sleep dad. 
Robert: Good night son...[sings] swing low sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. Swing low sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home. 
Fraser: That's enough dad. 
Robert: Thank you. 
[next morning in line for breakfast] 
Fraser: Boy oh boy I tell you I haven't spent a night like that since...well I guess since basic training. Although, I did spend a very restful evening once on an ice flow moving through Northcumberland Sound. Now picture this-- 
Inmate: Shut up! 
Fraser: Understood. Ah! It that cinnamon? 
Food server: Carbon. 
Fraser: Ah well, thank you kindly. 
Server [to Carl]: We're out. [Carl holds his plate out and waits] Move on! [Carl wraps his hand around the server's throat] Gasp. Carl-Carl-gaurd-gaurd-gaurd. 
Fraser: You know something. I'm feeling kind of full this morning. Would you be interested in...[Carl lets go of the server and takes Fraser's offered tray] 
Inmate: Hey Carl, you want mine? [Carl ignores him] Hey come on Eddie, give him yours. [Fraser spots Eddie sitting next to Carl. It's Eddie Torres] 
[Fraser pusing book cart down hall] 
Fraser: Afternoon gentlemen. I happen to have a complete 11 volume set of History of Civilization by Will and Arial Durant. Any takers? 
Vecchio: Yeah, right here. 
Fraser: Ah! 
Vecchio: Benny what are you doing in here. 
Fraser: I'm delivering books Ray. 
Vecchio: I can see that. How did you get in here? 
Fraser: Well the same way most people get in here. Ray, I committed a crime. 
Vecchio: You committed a crime? Benton Fraser Royal Canadian Mounted Police committed an actual crime? 
Fraser: Ray, I know you think I'm incapable of this but I'll have you know I am not entirely naive to the ways of the world. I've been arresting criminals my entire life and it didn't seem to be a particularly large step to actually steal. 
Vecchio: Steal? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: You stole something? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: What did you steal? 
Fraser: I'd rather not talk about it. 
Vecchio: No, come on. Come on. What did you steal? A car? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: A television set? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: mmmm....du.... 
Vecchio: Excuse me? 
Fraser: Milk. Duds. 
Vecchio: Milk Duds. What did the judge give you? An hour and a half? 
Fraser: No actually he was inclined to be lineate but Detective's Huey and Gardino who insisted that he throw the book at me. 
Vecchio: Benny. You know you might get yourself killed in here? 
Fraser: It's nonsense, Ray. Nobody knows who I am. In my capacity as book monitor I have free passage through out the entire institution. 
Vecchio: Book monitor. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: What is that? Like a librarian? 
Fraser: It's similar. I monitor books. I pass books out, I try to collect on over due fines but I'll tell you something, it is proving hellish in this place. It's absolutely remarkable how many people in here think nothing of folding, spindling, mutilating-- 
Vecchio: Benny! 
Fraser: What?! 
Vecchio: Get to the point. 
Fraser: Right. I found him. 
Vecchio: Who? 
Fraser: Prisoner 3-2-0-5, Torres, Edgar, Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez 
Vecchio: Optimist? 
Fraser: Apparently. It is 12 days past due. I think I should pay him a visit. 
voice over speaker: 1330 visitors hour in cell block 28. 
Fraser: Oh, I almost forgot. Here. This is for you Recherche De La Temp Perou by Marcell Proust. It's uh, missing a few pages but seeing the whole thing is basically one long run on sentence, I don't think you'll mind. 
Vecchio: Is it funny? 
Fraser: Oh it's hilarious. If you like that kind of thing. Alright, last chance for the complete 11 volume set of Will and Arial Durant's The Story of Civilization. Going once, going twice, your loss gentlemen. 
[Visitor's room] 
Mr. Torres: ?Mi Amor QUe Paso. 
Mrs. Torres: It's nothing, It's nothing, it's alright. A man came to see me. Some kind of policeman. 
Mr. Torres: What did you tell him? 
Mrs. Torres: Nothing. Eddie please, don't get upset 
Mr. Torres: Rosanna. 
Mrs. Torres: He knew. I didn't tell him anything. He just knew. 
Mr. Torres: Okay then go home. Go home. 
Mrs. Torres: It's until tomorrow.. All you have to do is stay out of trouble. Go to Kruger. Talk to him. Maybe he-- 
Mr. Torres: No! No! If he hears talk of the police he'll kill me. You want that? 
[Mrs.Torres hangs up the phone and sits there looking miserable] 
[Outside the Vistor's room] 
9262: Walden, Life in the Woods by Thoreau. This is a thriller? 
Fraser: Not exactly, no. It out lines one mans dream to live a life of perfect fulfillment. 
9262: I had a dream like that once. 
Fraser: Really? 
9262: Yeah. I dreamed me and Jane Fonda were on a couch naked. 
Fraser: I see. And was this couch in the woods? 
9262: Yeah, it just so happens that it was. 
Fraser: Oh well then you should enjoy this then. 
[Eddie pushes past them] 
Fraser: Ah, excuse me. 
9262: Certainly. 
Fraser: Excuse me, sorry. Coming through. Book mobile, coming through. 
[Yard] 
Fraser: Excuse me, book mobile. Ah, Mr. Torres I believe you have an overdue book. 
Mr. Torres: Yeah? So what? 
Fraser: Well another prisoner has requested it. I believe you may know him. He's a friend of mine. 
Mr. Torres [looking over at Ray in the next yard]: No. I don't know him. 
Fraser: I'll spot for you. He's a police officer. This friend of mine. He arrested a man named Kruger for killing a shop owner but at the trial, something went wrong. His witness lied. And now my friends in prison and Kruger will be set free. 
Mr. Torres: I don't know your friend and I don't know what the hell you're talking about. 
Fraser: You see the problem is, Mr. Torres, that Kruger found out the witness has a husband in prison and threatened to kill him and now that man is alone and he has no one to protect him. 

Mr. Torres: Your friend the cop should be the one who should be worried, not me. 
Fraser: Yes, he should be, but he's not now. I promise you Mr. Torres, if you help me, I will guarantee you safe passage to your parole hearing without incident. 
Mr. Torres: I don't want your help. 
Fraser: Well, you may have no choice. [they both look at Kruger and his friends, then Fraser looks at Ray as Torres walks away] But don't let me influence you. 
Kruger: You're very talkative Eddie. 
Mr. Torres: I didn't say nothing, man. [they are both in line to get back in from the yard. 
Kruger: Sure. Not a very good move. See, I'm not prepared to return to incarceration before I did that, it would hurt you. Hurt your life. Hurt your kid. [he cuts Torres with a home made knife] 
[Fraser sees what is happening and heads toward Kruger. Carl also sees it, but is looking more at Fraser being the one in trouble. He rises, like he's ready to go to his aid but waits] 
Fraser: Uh, excuse me Mr. Kruger. Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry Mr. Kruger but apparently your copy of Don't Call Me Sugar Baby is over due. [Torres gets inside and is safe] 
[Vecchio is mopping the infirmery, Fraser is sitting near and you see Torres in the background getting bandaged] 
Vecchio: Right. So we're gonna protect him. You and me surrounded by nine thousand violent offenders. 
Fraser: For God's sake, Ray, don't blow the situation out of proportion. There's only eight thousand nine hundred and seventy three prisoners here. 

Vecchio: And I thought our odds didn't look good. 

Fraser: Look Ray, it's only for one evening. Tomorrow Torres will be free, his wife will testify. 

Vecchio: Look, a lot of people can be killed in one evening. If Kruger wants to get to Torres, he's going to get to him, you can count on it. 
Fraser: Exactly! So we make it easy for him. 
Vecchio: Benny, you're not getting the hang of this. 
Fraser: Ray, the best place to hide a person is in plain view. Now Kruger knows that Torres is injured. Knows he's in the infirmary. Fine. Let's keep it that way. 
Vecchio: All right, fine. So what do we do? 
Fraser: Well it could be a long night, how about we take in a movie? 
[At the movies. They are showing Sullivan's Travels] 
Vecchio: Something's wrong with the picture. It's in black and white. 
Fraser: There's nothing wrong with it Ray, it's just old. 
Vecchio: Well if it was any good, it would be in color. 
Fraser: Well it was made in black and white Ray. It's a classic. 
Vecchio: The Ten Commandments is a classic, Benny. The Poseidon Adventure is a classic. Saturday Night Fever with my man John Travolta -- that's a classic. This is black and white. 
Fraser [not willing to argue with Ray]: Sh. 
[Kruger walks in. Goes to his goons, says something then points at Ray and Fraser] 
Fraser: Perhaps you should have ordered a personal guard. 
Vecchio: Yeah and maybe you should have gotten us a better movie. 
[Kruger cuts his own arm and goes to guards. Ray turns around, no Kruger. About now we notice that Fraser has Torres stuffed under the cover under the projector. Meanwhile, in the infirmery...] 
Doctor: I need some gauze. 
[he leaves. Kruger shakes knife from his sleeve and goes to Torres' bunk only to find him not in it but clothes stuffed in his place] Back to movie, Robert is trying to share his bag of popcorn with those around him] 
Kruger: Where did you put em. I smell bacon. 
Vecchio: Any suggestions? 
Fraser: Nothing springs to mind. 
Vecchio: Well you better think of something quickly. 
Fraser: All right [jumps in front of screen] stop right there. I am a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
[small riot, doors are blocked to keep out the guards, Ray, Fraser and Torres all head out one door and end up in the bathroom. 
Vecchio: Come on Kruger, you don't want to do this. 
Fraser: I think they do Ray. 
Vecchio: Alright look and see if theres a way out of here. A vent. 
Fraser: No vent. 
Vecchio: Grate? 
Fraser: No grate. 
Vecchio: How bout a drain? 
Fraser: We're too big Ray. 
Kruger: I been looking to do this myself. [shakes knife out of his sleeve and -- 
--Carl appears, taking Kruger by the throat] 
Carl: I don't care for you. You have to understand something. This man? He has behaved with decency and courtesy and you've been rude. You've made them feel unwelcomed and that's a shame cause for what lessens him lessens us all. Do you understand? [Kruger drops the knife, Carl let's Kruger go, Kruger drops to floor. Ray has that look of disbelief on his face and you can just tell that Fraser thinks it all perfectly normal.] 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Carl: No. Thank you. [then walks off] 
[Ray signals Torres to come on, they all exit past the rest of the now calm cons] 
Vecchio: Wow. Hey! What book did you give him? 
[Ray sorta parks in from of the courthouse, jumps out, kisses Elaine who has his case notes for him] 
Vecchio: Thanks Elaine. I owe you one. 
[Judges Chambers] 
Vecchio: And you have my sincerest apologies. My behavior was inexcusable even though I was right and the accused was found guilty and I was completely exonerated. But enough said. [leaves. has a very big grin on his face] 
St. Laurent: Thank you your honor. [follows him out] Vecchio. This does not end here. 
Vecchio: [still grinning, relaxed] I should hope not. [dumps his case notes in trash] 
[Consulate] 
Fraser: Yes sir. I want you to know I've given very serious thought to the matter of a transfer. 
Thatcher: And? 
Fraser: While I find the prospect of returning home appealing, I would prefer not to leave at this time. I've come to feel that I um... 
Thatcher: You feel that maybe in a small way you have something to offer them. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Thatcher: Dismissed. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 

End of Witness
 
 
 
 
 
 

Bird in Hand

[Airport: coming down escalator is two US Marshals and Gerrard...in cuffs. They unlock and pass through 2 doors. The second is a bathroom. One Marshall searches it then Gerrard is allowed to enter it. One of the Marshals light a cigarette. 
Marshall 1:Airport You can't smoke in the terminal. 
Marshall 2: So arrest me. 
[Gerrard in bathroom takes a key and screwdriver out of the ball in the toilet tank. Key for the cuffs, screwdriver for the grate above the toilet, Gerrard out the grate and escapes] 
[Consulate] 
McFadden: Special Agent McFadden, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and this is -- 
Borland: Special Agent Borland, FBI. 
Fraser: I'm afraid Inspector Thatcher is out of town. I'm Constable Fraser, Deputy Liaison Officer. [Turnbull clears his throat but doesn't look up from what he is doing] And this is Constable Turnbull, our temporary assistant interim associate Deputy Liaison Officer. 
Turnbull: Sorry, I didn't notice you. 
Fraser: Yeah. [Dief whines] and this is Diefenbaker. 
McFadden: Your office. 
Fraser: Yes, please. 
Turnbull: Would you like me to hold your calls? 
Fraser: Yes, I'd appreciate that. 
Turnbull: And what reason should I give. 
Fraser: I'm sorry? 
Turnbull: The Americans. Should I say you're in a meeting? 
Fraser: Yes, that would be good. 
Turnbull: Ah- so it's not a secret meeting? 
Fraser: I'm sorry? 
Turnbull: High level. Inner agency. Off the record. 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of, no. 
Turnbull: Ah, good. Of course if it was you shouldn't even tell me. So perhaps it is secret and you just can't say. If that's the case, I understand. 
Fraser: It's not the case. 
Turnbull: Ah. I understand. [phone rings] Canadian Consulate, Liaison office. I'm sorry but I can't tell you that. He may have ordered lunch from your establishment or he may not have. 
Thatcher's Secretary: Who's in there? 
Turnbull: Where? 
[Fraser's office] 
Fraser: He was my father's best friend on the force. They went to the academy together. I've known him all my life. 
Borland: You have any contact with him since his incarceration? 
Fraser: No. 
McFadden: I imagine not. I mean the man killed your father. You're not just going to pick up the phone and kick around old times. 
Fraser: How can I be of assistance to you? 
McFadden: You seem very cool about this. 
Fraser: Gerrard is serving a life sentence. Whatever my feelings they ended with his imprisonment. 
Borland: Two months ago Gerrard reached out crown attorneys. Let it be known he'd be willing to talk about his involvement in other criminal activities in exchange for making his life easier. 
McFadden: Apparently he had an arrangement with an American arms dealer named Lloyd Nash. It's a name that interested us. 
Borland: Last week Gerrard was in transit to testify here in front of a Grand Jury. Two U.S. Marshals picked him up in Toronto and flew him to O'Hare where he disappeared. 
McFadden: He had help. 
Borland: We've been looking for him for seven days. We can't even find his shadow. And as you said, you've known him all your life. We figured you'd be able to help. 
Fraser: Well, I would still have to clear it through the Consulate. 
McFadden: Grand Jury convenes on Wednesday. We have one day to find Gerrard or Nash will never see the inside of a prison gate but that's our problem. Your problem is the man who killed your father is out there enjoying life. Clear it all you want. 
Borland: Anything you can think of. Contacts he might have here. Family. Friends we might not know about. We'd appreciate it. 
[27th precinct, Ray's desk, Louise drops a 12 inch pile of files in front of Ray] 
St. Laurent: Vecchio. You're going to trial a week from Wednesday on the Turner brothers case. I've turned it over to Assistant State's Attorney Hilliard. 
Vecchio: Stress related vacation Louise? 
St. Laurent: I've assured Hilliard you will have a complete and thorough recollection of the case so as not to embarrass him on the stand because if you embarrass him, you embarrass me and you don't want to embarrass me. Read it. 
Fraser: Busy. 
Vecchio: Nope. Nash, Lloyd. How do you get any respect as a criminal with a name like Lloyd. 
Fraser: Is that a serious question? 
Vecchio: No Fraser. Is this the guy Gerrard is suppose to testify against? 
Fraser: Apparently. 
Vecchio: [looking through files]Ah. here it is. Lloyd P. Nash [snicker] You want to know what the 'P' stands for? 
Fraser: Is it pertinent? 
Vecchio: Not even close. Well I can see why the states attorney wants him so bad. Indictments seven, convictions zero. Yeah it seems all key witnesses have a funny way of disappearing just before each trial. 
Fraser: Where can we find him? 
Vecchio: Come on. [carelessly drops file in place and closes he drawer and starts to leave. heavy sigh. Fraser is straightening files] Fraser, if you're going to keep doing that, people aren't going to be able to find anything around here. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. [closes file drawer] 
[Nash's warehouse] 
Vecchio: Alright so here's the plan. Good cop, bad cop. 
Fraser: And I play? 
Vecchio: Take a guess. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: So when we go in you tip your hat and curtsy, I threaten to burn down the warehouse if he doesn't turn over Gerrard. None of which will do any good. 
Fraser: Well why's that Ray? 
Vecchio: Well use your head Fraser. If Gerrard is suppose to testify against him do you think he's gonna turn him over to us? 
Fraser: Never hurt to ask. 
Vecchio: Oh, now that's not true. Sometimes it hurts very much. People tend to shoot bullets at other people. 
Nash: Make sure they're all there. You say this guy Gerrard is suppose to be giving testimony against me? 
Vecchio: Hey don't play like you don't know, alright? The question is 'How much heat do you want to bring upon yourself.' Cause it just so happens I have a pack of matches in my breast pocket. 
Nash: Yeah, I noticed the bulge. 
Vecchio: You wanna play? Alright, let's play. What's in the crate. 
Nash: Christmas decorations. 
Vecchio: You got a permit for them? 
Nash: In fact, I do. Why don't you go pick up a warrant and I'll show it to you. Now I suggest you and your friend step off my premises. It's not a safe place to be standing. A bulb might burst. 
Vecchio: Look, let me tell you what's not safe alright? 
Fraser: We appreciate your time. 
Vecchio: No he appreciates your time, I don't appreciate anything. 
Fraser: Ray-Ray I think Mr. Nash understands our position and if it's in his interest to cooperate he will do so. Why don't you give him your business card? 
Nash: No need. I have your number. 
Vecchio: And we got yours Lloyd. Why don't you ask him what the 'P' stands for. [at the Riv]What did I tell you? 
Fraser: When Ray? 
Vecchio: Waste of time. 
Fraser: You recorded that conversation? 
Vecchio: Yeah, it's a new policy. Anytime I go anywhere with you I record everything. Mainly because if I have to go to court, no jury will ever believe the damn things that come out of your mouth. Why isn't this thing turning? [bangs recorder on the roof of the Riv] 
Fraser: Did you depress the red button? 
Vecchio: Yes I depressed the red button. 
Fraser: And did you press play at the same time? 
Vecchio: Of course I pressed play at the same time. 
Fraser: Here let me have a look. 
Vecchio: I know how to operate a tape recorder. 
Fraser: Well I wasn't saying that you don't. 
Vecchio: Then why did you ask me if I depressed the red button? 
Fraser: Well I only meant that sometimes it's the obvious things we overlook Ray. I mean...by way of example. It was obvious that Nash was operating openly. In fact he appeared to be flaunting it. 
Vecchio: Look, buying guns isn't illegal. Smuggling them out of the country will get you arrested. [bangs the recorder more] 
Fraser: Still it's not the way you'd expect a person to behave if they were under threat of an indictment. One could almost conclude he was trying to tell us something. 
Vecchio: Look, if he was trying to say something I would have heard it, okay? [phone rings] What? 
Nash: Are you still recording? 
Vecchio: You're a very funny man. What do you want? 
Nash: I made a call for you. The package you're looking for is at the Waverly Hotel. Room 311. Told you I had your number. 
Vecchio: He just told us where to find Gerrard. 
Fraser: Something's not right Ray. 
Vecchio: There's nothing right about this Fraser. Nothing at all. [at Waverly Hotel] If someone was going to testify against you would you tell the cops where he was? 
Fraser: We've been through this Ray. 
Vecchio: Na, I don't like this Fraser. We're gonna knock on that door and the shotgun blast is going to remove a portion of my body I'm not ready to part with. 
Vecchio: Benny, take this. [offers him a gun. You can either think the worst of Ray for doing it or think of him as testing Fraser's intent] 
Fraser: No, I can't Ray. 
Fraser: Look, two will get you seven that Gerrard's not even there. But if we find him and he should put up a fight and try to escape? 
Fraser: Then we'll pursue him. 
Vecchio: Yeah, but maybe I can't keep up. Maybe my ankles going to give way. 
Fraser: Ray, are you saying you need to see a doctor? 
Vecchio: [sigh] Look, this man killed your father. If he should shoot at you or if he should come toward you in a threatening manner? 
Fraser: Then I'll disarm him. 
Vecchio: Okay, say you needed to defend yourself. To discharge a weapon and accidentally kill Gerrard. I'm just saying I would let people know that it was self defense. You don't have to worry that I would let them know that it was anything but self-defense. 
Fraser: I understand Ray. And I appreciate that. But I simply want to see Gerrard returned to prison. That's all. 
Vecchio: Okay, let's go say hello. [they break into the room and find it empty] I knew it was to good to be true. I'll come in from the street. 
[Benny over roofs of buildings, roof of car and in front of Gerrard and right hook to Gerrard's jaw] 
Gerrard: I never thought you'd be the one they'd send to kill me. 
[shots fired from a roof, Ray goes up the ladder but the shooter is already gone and so is Fraser and Gerrard] 
[Fraser's office] 
Gerrard: A little tighter, I can still feel my fingers. [meaning the cuffs] 
Fraser: [on phone] This is Constable Fraser for Detective Vecchio. Please, it's urgent. Well when he does come in would you please tell him that I'm at the Consulate. Yes. Thank you kindly. [puts boot in Gerrard's chest and shoves] Who was shooting at you today. 
Gerrard: You brought them with you, you tell me. 
Fraser: Nash. 
Gerrard: Nash? [laughs] You really don't know what's going on do you? 
Fraser: Who wants you dead? 
Gerrard: Who sent you looking for me? 
Fraser: They shot at me. They shot at my friend. I want to know what it is we walked into. 
Gerrard: What's wrong Constable? People not behaving the way you want them to anymore? The good guys don't wear their white hats and the bad guys don't like black? 
Fraser: You're going back to prison, Gerrard. 
Gerrard: I don't think so, Ben. The moment you turn me over I'm dead. You already guessed that much, you just don't know what it means. 
Fraser: I don't give a damn. 
Gerrard: See I forgot for a moment who I was dealing with. You're Bob Fraser's son. I can't tell you the number of times he almost died trying to bring some low life to justice. He'd give them his food. He'd carry them on his back. Men who had done unspeakable things. Men he detested--men who had tried to kill him. But he never brought one back dead because the moment they were his responsibility he'd sacrifice himself before letting them die. That's what finally got him killed you know. He was trying to bring me in and he walked into a trap. You're cut from the same bolt. I don't have to tell you anything more than you already know. And you'll go out there and lay down your life trying to protect me. 
Robert: Shoot him son. Shoot him between his rat-like little eyes. Don't walk away from me! This is your father talking. [Fraser leaves room, closes door behind him. Robert knocks, Fraser opens it for him] 
Robert: The bastard is in there bragging how he had me killed and all I ask is that you do one small thing for me. Shoot him in the stomach and let him bleed to death. Think of it as a sons gift to his father -- You did forget my birthday. 
Fraser: You were dead! 
Robert: Still, one can have feelings. Not even a card! 
Fraser: I am not going to shoot him. 
Robert: Well now your being silly. Here, use mine they won't be able to trace it. 
Fraser: Dad we've been all through this. That is an imaginary gun. It fires imaginary bullets. 
Robert: Well it wouldn't hurt to try son. Go on pump a dozen into his torso. If it doesn't kill him, maybe he'll have a heart attack. 
Fraser: All right. You want me to try? (takes gun, shoots three lamps, nothing happens) Satisfied? 
Robert: Alright, point taken. Grab the lamp and crack his skull. Make it look like a freak lighting accident. 
Fraser: Freak lighting accident? 
Robert: Sure. Happens all the time. Lightning strikes the wire, send a jolt through the line. The lamp hops up and strikes him in the skull, splits it in two, you never have a chance to prevent it. Happened so fast. 
Fraser: Dad I know what he did and believe me it takes every bit of restraint I have not to walk back in that room and separate his head from his shoulders. 
Robert: Oh you should always go on an impulse. 
Fraser: Well I can't do that and neither could you. 
Robert: Well if I could pick up a lamp I'd sure as hell try. 
Fraser: No you wouldn't. 
Robert: I would. 
Fraser: Dad, you're only saying that because your dead and know you can't. 
Robert: Exactly which is why I'm asking you to do it. 
Fraser: If you loved me son, you'd strangle him for me. 
Robert: No. If I really loved you I would've -- forget it. 
[Ray arrives] 
Vecchio: Where is he? 
Fraser: In my office. 
Vecchio: Is he still alive? 
Robert: He'd shoot him for you if you asked. 
Vecchio: You ok? 
Robert: Well he would. 
Fraser: I'll be right back. Diefenbaker. (he and wolf return to his office] 
Robert: (Robert then offers gun to Ray) Hey. Hey. Yank. 
Fraser: [to Dief]: Watch him. If he tries to escape, tear out his throat. 
Turnbull: Anything I can help you with Constable? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact there is. There's someone in my office, I can't tell you who. 
Turnbull: Ah. I understand. 
Fraser: Now don't let anyone go in or out of that door. 
Turnbull: Including myself. 
Fraser: Especially not yourself. 
Turnbull: Not in or out. 
Fraser: That is correct. 
Turnbull: But I'm already out sir. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Turnbull: So if I find myself inside, I should just stay there. 
Vecchio: Whoa-whoa-whoa-we're not taking him? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Fraser, you want to explain this to me? 
Robert: Son, did I ever teach you how to make a proper noose? 
[Gerrard makes a call and Dief lets him. After all, he was told not to let him escape] 
Elaine: [on phone] Thanks. [to Ray] Three years ago the ATF got a tip that Nash was taking a truck load of automatic weapons into Canada. Some small border crossing in Minnesota. Some how the FBI got wind of it too and insisted on being in on the bust. They staked out the crossing, Nash shows up, they arrest him and a couple of side kicks and seize the truck. It's suspected that someone had paid off the Canadian customs officials but all the Feds could do was to report their suspicions to the nearest RCMP. 
Fraser: And they called Gerrard. 
Elaine: It was his jurisdiction. 
Vecchio: Nice arrangement and he bribes the border guards and the Feds ask him to investigate his own crime. 
Elaine: Here's where it gets strange. Nash and his men were released the next day and no charges were ever brought. 
Vecchio: Hmm, they had him cold with a truck load of weapons. 
Elaine: That's all she could tell me. 
Vecchio: Ah. Agents Borland and McFadden. Now might be a good time to tell them you found their prisoner but you're not willing to give him up yet. 
Fraser: I'd rather avoid that. [they head for the back exit] 
Vecchio: Good idea. So where we going? 
Fraser: Back to see Nash. 
Vecchio: Ah this is crazy. The guy is spinning you in circles you know a con'll tell you anything to stay out of the joint. 
Fraser: Someone tried to kill him Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, Nash. 
Fraser: Well if Nash wanted him dead, why would he have sent us there? 
Vecchio: Well maybe he wanted to kill us too. 
Fraser: What possible motive could he possibly have had. 
Vecchio: You know sometimes you are the most annoying man I know. There's plenty of times I want to kill you and I'm your best friend. 
Fraser: Now Ray, that's just not true. 
Vecchio: Look. I don't know what this Gerrard guy is up to but he's playing you like a juke box and he's pushing all the right buttons. 
St. Laurent: Vecchio! [they almost run into her in their attempt to escape McFadden, they head for yet another exit] 
Vecchio: Oh God! Pretend you didn't hear that. Go-go. 
[Warehouse] 
Vecchio: Hey Benny, do me a favor. Pin this to your chest. 
Fraser: It says I'm mentally deficient. 
Vecchio: Yeah, I just want Nash to know so he doesn't shoot us both dead. 
Fraser: It's not going to happen Ray. All I'm gonna ask him to do is tell the truth. 
Fraser: Just pin it to your chest. 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Pin it to your chest. 
Fraser: No. 
Nash: Why? 
Fraser: Because I think you know it's in your best interest. 
Nash: Let me tell you a story. I had a friend. A man who unlike myself dealt in the illegal weapons trade. 
Vecchio: I wonder who this could be. 
Nash: My friend had a very sweet set up with some Canadian who had helped him bring goods across the border. This went on for a few years. And all involved took a small cut and were content with that. Till one night when things went bad. Now it wasn't till later when he suspected his Canadian friend had set him up in order to make a larger profit. 
Vecchio: All good reasons for your friend to want to kill said Canuk. Especially if that Snowback was going to testify against him. 
Nash: See it may be true that my friend would like to see this Canadian below some freshly turned soil, but not until after he gives testimony to the grand jury. 
Vecchio: Fraser, give him that piece of paper. I think he should be wearing it. 
Nash: When my friend took his truck to the border it was leaded with some very expensive automatic weapons. When the same truck reached the federal impound, it carried only a few cheap hand guns. Now while my friend was pleased to be released with a slap on the wrist, he realized someone had stolen from him. 
Vecchio: So you're saying agents from the ATF and FBI stole your weapons. 
Nash: My friend only knows he was out a quarter million dollars. This is not an expense this business can easily absorb. He would just like someone to pay. One way or another. 
Fraser: So you called the States Attorney. 
Nash: My friend has a deep belief in the integrity of the criminal justice system. He'd like to see it work. 
Fraser: Nash wasn't the target of the grand jury. They're out to indite the agents on the scene. That's who Gerrard was suppose to testify against. 
Vecchio: Oh great, so now we're going to help some criminals bring down two arms of the federal government. You know I am so glad we have this on tape. I can't wait to get back and tell it to Oliver Stone. What is wrong with this thing! 
Fraser: Did you check the batteries? 
Vecchio: Look if you ask me one more time - 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Vecchio: Great. [phone] What? Well hello Madam States Attorney. Uh huh, which witness would that be? No, um, I'm sorry I haven't seen him all day. Yeah, he's right here, hold on. 
Fraser: Constable Fraser. Mm hum, mm hum. Understood. Well I'm under arrest. 
Vecchio: Under arrest for what?! 
Fraser: Obstruction of justice. 
Vecchio: Obstruction of justice?! 
Fraser: Cuffs, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh this is ridiculous. Obstruction of justice. She's gotta be --[he can't get them unhooked from his belt]. Out of her- 
Fraser: Here, let me give you a hand. [he can't either] 
Vecchio: Nah, forget it. 
[Consulate] 
Turnbull: I'm sorry but I'm not at liberty to divulge that information. 
[Welsh's office] 
St. Laurent: How can you be so stupid? All I want to know is if Gerrard is in Fraser's office and - 
Borland: We asked for his help we didn't ask him to kidnap the guy. 
St. Laurent: Is that how the FBI finds all their criminals? By relying on helpful Canadians? 
Vecchio: Well it seems to have worked so far. 
Borland: You know I've heard about you. 
Welsh: He won't tell us if he's there. 
McFadden: For all we know he might be dead. I mean he certainly has motive. 
Borland: If he's there tell him to put him on the phone. 
Fraser: Well I'm afraid he won't do that. 
Welsh: Fraser says put him on the phone. 
[Consulate] 
Turnbull: In order to do that sir, I would have to confirm that there was someone here. 
Gerrard: I have to use the bathroom you moron! 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: He's not there-whose that yelling to use the bathroom. 
McFadden: That's it! I want Vecchio arrested for aiding and abetting. 
Welsh: He said he never even seen the prisoner. 
Vecchio: Which is true! 
McFadden: It's complacentness. He knows where he is. 
Vecchio: Well so do you. I want him arrested. 
St. Laurent: Just go with him and get Gerrard and bring him back! 
Fraser: Well you can't do that actually, he's on Canadian soil. He's under my protection. 
St. Laurent: That's it. Lock him up. 
Vecchio: You can't do that he has diplomatic immunity. 
Fraser: No, strictly speaking I- 
Vecchio: Shut up Fraser! 
Fraser: Will do. 
[Consulate] 
Turnbull: If it's of any help sir, I can confirm that we do have a bathroom. 
[hallway] 
Fraser: Thank you Ray. 
Vecchio: Don't talk to me I'm in a bad mood. 
Fraser: I'm sorry Ray. 
Vecchio: Want to know why I'm in a bad mood? 
Fraser: Well that would require that I - why Ray? 
Vecchio: I'm in a really bad mood because I'm not used to arresting people and then immediately bailing them out, okay? It's embarrassing. Did you see those guys in lock up? How they were laughing at me. This is not a good thing Fraser. 
Fraser: Come to think of it, I'm not even sure if it's entirely legal. 
Vecchio: Want to know what I found out or not. 
Fraser: Oh, I'm sorry, please, go ahead. 
Vecchio: I have a friend down at the bureau. 
Fraser: Really? 
Vecchio: Don't be so smug, okay? He told me ever since Waco the FBI has been making a lot of noise about absorbing ATF. They want to embarrass as many as they can. And when they heard about this case, the FBI have been walking around with big grins on their faces. All this leads me to the conclusions that the more I know about this case, the less sense it makes and I don't want to know anything else. Do you understand? 
McFadden: I need to have a word in private. 
Vecchio: Why? 
McFadden: There's something you should know. 
Vecchio: Well I don't want to hear it! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Alright, fine. Follow me. 
McFadden: The truck was seized and impounded and when they6 went to log the evidence it wasn't there. 
Vecchio: Cruller? 
Go ahead. 
Vecchio: Who had control of the truck. 
McFadden: Two men from my district office. 
Vecchio: Both ATF agents? 
McFadden: Yeah. 
Vecchio: So what's all this about Gerrard testifying against Nash. 
McFadden: You think I want to advertise to the grand jury about the indictment of my own men?. I wasn't there. I wouldn't even know there were guns there in the first place. Maybe the Feds took em. I just know this happened on my watch and if my men are involved I have to bring em down. If I don't clean my own house then the Feds are going to do it for me. I can't afford that. 
Vecchio: That's why you're talking to us about who to love. 
McFadden: Let's just say Special Agent Borland has his own agenda. I need Gerrard to testify. I'm asking you to turn him over to me so I can take him in. 
Fraser: I'm sorry I can't do that. 
McFadden: The grand jury convenes tomorrow morning. Can I trust you to get him there? 
Fraser: Yes, you can. 
McFadden: Understand my concern. This guy is doing time for murdering your father. If he disappears again, or steps in front of a truck or comes to harm in any way while he's in your care, I can guarantee I'll have you indicted for murder and use the full weight of my agency to insure a conviction. 
Vecchio: Here, try the one with sprinkles. You take your job way to seriously. 
McFadden: We'll meet on the steps of the court house and we'll walk him in together. 
Fraser: Alright. 
McFadden: I guess that's the best I can do. 
[Consulate] 
[toilet flushing in background] Gerrard: I don't know who's stupider. That Mountie or your dog. 
Vecchio: Sorry I'm late. I had to help somebody with a tire. 
Fraser: You helped somebody with a tire? 
Vecchio: Hey look, you're not the only one around here who can turn a good deed. 
Fraser: Well...I'm sorry Ray. 
Vecchio: Let's go. 
Fraser: You can open your eyes now. 
Turnbull [sitting with his hands over his eyes]: Oh, thank you. [sings We stand on guard for...] 
Thatcher's Secretary: Where'd he go? 
Turnbull: Who? 
Thatcher's Secretary: Uh-never mind. [sings: God keep our flag] 
[as they pull away from the Consulate, an FBI van starts to follow, but the back tire is flat] 
Fraser: The FBI's van? That's-that's really quite commendable. 
Vecchio: Thank you Fraser! [that's the tire he 'fixed'] 
[hide out. Ray looks around before unpacking trunk of Riv. Fraser lights lanterns upstairs and Dief is watching him. Ray carries his stuff upstairs] 
Vecchio: You got everything you need out of the car? 
Fraser: Yes Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, it's going to be great for my allergies. You couldn't go to a hotel, huh? 
Fraser: Since we don't know who it is that's looking for him, we don't know what their search capabilities are. [to Gerrard] Raise your hands. [removes cuffs] 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, just take those off. You'll go on the honor system here. Fraser what are you thinking? 
Fraser: He's not gonna run. 
Vecchio: Oh did he give you his word as a Mountie? 
Fraser: No, he just knows if he tries, I'll kill him. 
Gerrard: You got me so terrified I won't be able to sleep. 
Vecchio: Oh, Benny, can I have those back please. 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Vecchio: [puts the cuffs back on Gerrard] Sleep tight. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: One more peep out of you and I'm going home. [makes a pallet fit for a king. Looked like 4-5 pillows, blankets, the whole thing is fluffy and inviting. Fraser spreads out his very thin sleeping bag and sits on it] 
Vecchio: Need a pillow? 
Fraser: No, thanks Ray. 
Gerrard: I'd like one. 
Vecchio: Did I ask you? That's it. I can't sleep here. I'll take first watch. 
Fraser: Alright. Thanks Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Dief takes over Ray's bed.] 
Gerrard: You are just like your father. You put duty before everything else. Duty to the force, duty to your friends. Even duty to your enemies. I can't say I understand it but I admire it. 
Fraser: You know I'm not really interested in talking to you so I suggest you go to sleep. 
Gerrard: His greatest strength was his greatest weakness. You could always predict exactly what he was going to do. [carefully removes his knife from his boot] I knew I could count on him. [tosses it at Gerrard. It sticks in the barrel Gerrard is propped up against. Gerrard, for his part doesn't react to it] And I knew I could count on you. 
Fraser: [goes and retrieves his knife] I'm really not in the mood to talk. 
Gerrard: [laughs] Have a good sleep. 
Robert [shows him a noose]: Psst. Look what I made for you son. 
Fraser: Oh Dad. 
Robert: All right all right. Deep down I knew you couldn't. If you could just go over there and kick him a few times. 
Fraser: [watching Ray through the window as Ray patrols below. There is a car, but hidden behind the building so Ray doesn't see it] I knew you were in trouble you know. 
Robert: What do you mean? 
Fraser: When we talked that last time before you died. I knew something was bothering you. 
Robert: You couldn't. I didn't say a thing. 
Fraser: No, I heard it in your voice. 
Robert: I didn't ask. 
Fraser: Do you know how many times I wondered why I didn't? Do you know how many times I thought if I'd just done that -- that one thing, maybe you'd still be here. 
Robert: I am here! 
Fraser: No, I mean alive. 
Robert: Dead or alive, you still never listen to me. Just one good kidney punch. If I could just see him writhing in pain I could rest easy. 
Fraser: It was always the same with us, wasn't it. I mean if I knew something was bothering you, something personal, I wouldn't ask, I wouldn't push it. I used to tell myself it was out of respect for you, but the truth is, I was afraid. It was that fear that got you killed. 
Robert: If you'd asked, I still wouldn't have told you. 
Fraser: Why?!? I could have helped. I coulda done something. 
Robert: Father asking his son? for help? Not an easy thing to do you know. That would be admitting I was old. 
Fraser: Or human. 
Robert: You wait until your my age and some young turk comes up and says 'Can I give you a hand with that Pop.' See if you say yes. He was my friend, I had to bring him in myself. I owed it to him. 
Fraser: Well what did you owe me? 
Robert: Oh -- God. If it's going to be this kind of conversation -- 
Fraser: You know you were so afraid to open up. It's as though you chose to be killed rather than expose your feelings. 
Robert: That's ridiculous. 
Fraser: It's more or less what happened isn't it? The thing is, I'm no better. I never loved anyone as much as I love you. 
Robert: Stop that kind of talk right now. 
Fraser: And I could never, ever say it. 
Robert: Well if you did I woulda hit you. 
Fraser: Dad. 
Robert: Well it's my fault. Shouldn't of left you with your grandmother all that time. You don't know until it's to late the effect women'll have on you. For years your living a perfectly normal life and then right out of the blue you start thinking about feelings and emotions. That was my mistake, not yours, son. You go ahead, you blubber on. 
Fraser: No. I'm fine thank you. 
Robert: Well you're not going to sulk now are you? 
Fraser: I'm not sulking. I don't sulk. [He is. Ray still patrolling spots something and draws his gun and is promptly slugged from behind. Fraser doesn't see him and looks concerned but dismisses it and goes back to conversation with dad] He said I was just like you. 
Robert: Shows you how much he knows. 
Fraser: He knew what I was going to do. [Gerrard pops him in forehead with a two by four and prepares to do it again] 
Diefenbaker: Woof. 
Robert: Look out son. 
Diefenbaker: grrrr growl snarl 
[Ray is tossed into the room. Surprise! It's McFadden] 
McFadden: Call him off. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker! 
Robert: Good dog. Bite him again. 
McFadden: We've come for your prisoner. 
Gerrard: You took your sweet time about it. 
Vecchio: Sorry Fraser. 
Fraser: No, no that's okay Ray. I didn't see it myself. [stands] 
Robert: See what son, I'm somewhat confused. 
Fraser: McFadden and Gerrard were working together. McFadden's men stole the weapons, they split the profits. 
McFadden [to one of his goons]: Bring the car around to the front. 
Fraser: Of course Agent McFadden wasn't on the scene so he was in the clear but he knew if Gerrard named names in front of the grand jury his would be at the top of the list so they cut another deal. 
Gerrard: I'll take the keys. 
Vecchio: Yeah, bite me. [goon kicks him, takes keys and tosses them to Gerrard] 
Fraser: They had to get Gerrard away from the marshals, but McFadden had to make it look at though he was doing everything in his power to bring him back. Course you knew that you could count on me to not turn you in. 
Robert: Stab him with your knife son. [Gerrard takes Fraser's knife from his boot] Too late. 
Gerrard: A simple quid pro quo. They get my silence I get my freedom. Unfortunately I was forced to kill you and your friend in making my escape. The irony is you're the one to be blamed. 
Fraser: No actually Gerrard the irony is you just helped plan your murder. McFadden can't let you disappear because he knows if you ever resurfaced he'd be right back in the same box he's in now. 
McFadden: Give me the cops gun. 
Gerrard: I held up my end of the bargain. 
McFadden: Yeah, you're an honorable man. I appreciate that. [to Ray] You get over with your friend. 
Vecchio: Yeah, carry me. [gets kicked again] 
Gerrard: You kill all three of us you can't cover it up. They're going to know it's you. 
Fraser: Well no actually. I think he did quite a good job of reminding everybody that I had good motive to murder you. And you me. 
Robert: Well I don't think you should be arguing their favor son. 
McFadden [to Gerrard]:Step away from the door. 
Gerrard: Go to hell. 
McFadden: Alright. [shoots Gerrard in the arm] 
Robert: Finally, somebody shoots him. 
Fraser: Before you kill him there's something you should know about this man. [he is trying to stop McFadden from shooting them right away] I don't understand it now but when I was a boy I admired him. 
Robert: For God's sake son, what are you saying? 
Fraser: And I can still remember the first time he came to visit us. 
Gerrard: Oh God, do I have to listen to this? 
Robert: Oh stop it son, you're embarrassing yourself. 
Fraser: He stood so tall in his uniform. You know I never told him this but secretly-secretly I wished he were my father. 
Gerrard [to McFadden]: If you're gonna shoot me, shoot me. 
Fraser: I don't know. Maybe it was because he was so much taller. 
Robert: He's not taller than me. People shrink when they die, everyone knows that. In life I was six-two. 
Fraser: the think I wanted to say is [he kneels next to Gerrard] 
Gerrard: Get away from me. 
Fraser: You broke my heart. 
McFadden: Oh this is just to sick [points gun at Fraser but Fraser has reclaimed his knife and throws it -into the barrel of McFadden's gun. Ray jumps up, bowls over goon and tackles McFadden. During all of the following, there is a gun battle going on. I am not going to try to keep track of most of it but lots of shooting is going on. Oh. Dief takes cover and stays out of the way] 
Ray [to Fraser]: What the hell was that all about. 
Fraser: Well we needed an advantage Ray so I had to unnerve them. And there's nothing more unnerving to men than talking about feelings. 
Robert: Measure him. He's not a hair above six-one. Ask him for a tape. 
Fraser: I will not ask him for a tape. 
Ray [who thinks Fraser is talking to him]: I've already got one. [hands Fraser a very tiny tape recorder] 
Fraser: This works? [he tries it and sure enough, Ray go tape!] 
Vecchio: Of course it does. Alright. You head for the door and I'll cover you. 
Fraser: I can't leave him, Ray. 
Vecchio: Look, we don't need him. We got everything we need on tape. Besides, he's not going anywhere. 
Fraser: I gave him my word that I would protect him. I owe it to him whether he deserves it or not. 
Robert: That's where I made my mistake son. 
Fraser: I'm going for him. [dashes out, shoulders Gerrard and dashes back but is shot in the let before he makes it all the way back. Ray rushes to him] 
Vecchio: Feel better? 
Fraser: Well no Ray. I have a bullet in my leg. 
Robert: Your mother was nearly six feet and I was taller than she was. 
Vecchio: I'm out of bullets. I'm out of bullets. 
Robert: [pitches his voices for the bad guys to hear] Let's get out of here! 
McFadden: Let's get out of here. 
Goon: I'll get the car. 
Fraser [to his dad] How did you do that? 
Vecchio: Are you alright? 
Fraser: Yeah. [Ray chases after McFadden and goons who hop in car and drive off. Gerrard goes out a window, tries for the roof but can't make it and is hanging from window. Robert offers him his hand] 
Robert: Take my hand. 
Gerrard: You're dead. 
Robert: No time to be choosy. [Gerrard tries to take it and falls] Oh. My mistake. 
[Gerrard and McFadden's car almost collide, but McFadden swerves and hits a stack of metal barrel. Fraser joins his father at the window] 
Fraser: What did you do. 
Robert: Nothing. Just tried to give him a hand. 
Fraser: You don't have a hand. 
Robert: Well still, I had to offer it son. Whether he deserved it or not. [they watch as Ray makes arrests and Dief prances around looking helpful] 
Vecchio: Alright throw down your guns and keep your hands where I can see em. 
[Courthouse steps, reporters, photographers Gerrard in cuffs snearing. Ray and Fraser watching from a short distance away. Fraser is on crutches] 
Vecchio: So how's your leg? 
Fraser: Fine. [They begin to walk slowly down the street] 
Vecchio: Is that the same let they shot you in the last time? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Same leg they stabbed you in. 
Fraser: Yes Ray. 
Vecchio:Your country give you a medal for getting wounded like that? 
Fraser: No, not that I'm aware of. 
Then I think you should have this. 
[Gives Fraser a note] 
Fraser: Please shoot other leg. Well that's just not amusing Ray. 

End of Bird in the Hand
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Promise

[Consulate car] 
Thatcher: If you'd picked me up on time when I told you-- 
Fraser: Uh yes sir I was uh-- 
Thatcher: --driving in endless circles around the Justice Building-- 
Fraser: Well there was a No Stopping - 
Thatcher: --I would be fully dressed and ready for the theater instead of half dressed and late. 
Fraser: Uh, yes sir and I appolo- 
Thatcher: This is a Consulate vehicle with diplomatic plates. Nobodies going to haul you off to jail for double parking. 
Fraser: Understood. Uh - here are your tickets. 
Thatcher: Put them in here. [hands him her bag] 
Dief moans 
Thatcher: Do you always bring your wolf with you on assignment? 
Fraser: Well he's not feeling very well so I - I didn't want to leave him all alone. Um...if he's bothering you. 
Thatcher: I don't dislike animals Fraser, I've had pets. 
Fraser: Really. 
Thatcher: Small ones. A dauchshun 
Fraser: Ah. 
Thatcher: He died. 
Dief moans. 
Thatcher: Just ... don't get hair on my feet. There it is. 
Fraser: Uh yes I see it. 
Thatcher: You need to stop. 
Fraser: Well that would appear to be prohibited. 
Thatcher: Stop anyway. 
Fraser: Certainly. 
Thatcher: You're not stopping. 
Fraser: No sir. I'm not. 
[in front of the theater] 
Street person: Spare change. Spare change, spare change, nickels and quarters. Could you help me out. [continues with this same line over and over] 
[in alley. Guy walks to a parked car and get's in] 
Sunny: Where's Elliot? 
Johnstone's Body Guard: Nice car. 
Sunny: It was a gift. Where's Elliot? 
Johnstone's Body Guard: He decided not to come. I think he's unhappy with you. 
Sunny: Sorry to hear that. 
Johnstone's Body Guard: So is the Senator. See he really enjoyed your services but you were paid once and he sees no reason to pay you again. 
Sunny: Alright. If he would rather do this thru his press press agent. 
Johnstone's Body Guard: I think we can come to some kind of accommodation. 
Sunny: I'm so glad. 
[still looking for a parking space] 
Thatcher: There's a parking space right there. 
Fraser: Sorry. Handicapped. 
Thatcher: Oh what about that one. 
Fraser: Taxi stand. 
Thatcher: There's an alley right there. 
Fraser: Yes there is. 
Thatcher: Fraser! 
Fraser: It's a fire lane sir. 
[in front of the theater, street person still looking for spare change. Sid and Andy are pick pocketing] 
Andy: [bumping into a person] Excuse me. [gets something] 
Sid: Two more. 
Andy: I already did three. 
Sid: Two more. [takes what she's gotten so far] That's it? That's better. Two more. What are you deaf? Come on. 
[alley] 
Thatcher: That's a parking place. 
Fraser: Yes you will notice the- 
Thatcher: Constable. 
Fraser: Parking. I'll wait. 
Thatcher: I'll take a cab. 
Fraser: Yes but it might rain. 
Thatcher: Suit yourself. 
Attendant of some sort: What's the matter you can't see the diagonal striped lines? 
Fraser: No-no. I'm sorry I'll move it. 
Attendant of some sort: Be quick about it. 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Attendant of some sort: Yeah, keep it moving. 
[Johnstone's Body Guard gets out of car, drops garrot down a grate that leads to the sewer] 
Andy: Oh! Sorry. One down. 
Thatcher: [realizes her bag is in the front seat with Fraser] Oh! My bag. Fraser! Watch where you're going! Hey! Hey! Somebody stop that little thief. She stole my brooch. Thief! 
Johnstone's Body Guard. [realizes he has been robbed] Stop that kid! Hey! Stop. Hey! 
Fraser: [to the street person who was asking for change] Would you mind? [meaning would he mind watching the car] 
Street person: No problem. I'll drive around and meet you. 
Thatcher: Oh Fraser, thank god. 
Fraser: I'll be right back. 
Thatcher: Fraser! 
Chase continues to the roof] 
Sid: [to Andy] Go go go on! Come on, come on. Gotcha! [and finally into the sewer] 
Fraser: I'm sorry. They're obviously much more familiar with the territory than - sir? 
[27th precinct] 
Associate to Sunny: I waited in the lobby for twenty minutes and then I took my seat. I assumed Barclay had been delayed on business. It wasn't uncommon. 
Huey: Were you aware of any particular appointments Miss Barclay last evening? 
Associate to Sunny: No. I wasn't privy to that kind of information. 
Huey: But you did work for her. 
Associate to Sunny: We were associates. 
Louis: And she provided you with clientele. 
Lawyer: They were associated, I think. I think that is sufficient. 
Louis: Well then ask-- 
Fraser: The demantoids. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: The demantoids. They're a green gemstone. A variety of ------ commonly known as green diamonds. 
Vecchio: Lt. Is this an interrogation or a first date. I mean I realize she has a set of - great eyes but - 
www: Do you mind? 
Fraser: Apparently the Inspector's brooch was a gift and has some particular significant that makes it irreplaceable so I - 
Ray; the book. Ask about the book. Or would that be an irrelevant question. 
O'Neil: His own case load. 
Welsh: Shut up. 
Vecchio: Sir you don't understand. 
O'Neil and Welsh: Shut up! 
Fraser: It's a very attractive brooch. 
Vecchio: Shut up. 
Lawyer: --open with her responses Detective. 
Louis: We understand Miss Barclay had a book with names, addresses and private phone numbers. 
Associate to Sunny: People have address books. 
Huey: This book is rather exclusive. A lot of names of clients who are somewhat publicity shy. 
Louis: : Especially if it's the wrong kind of publicity. 
Associate to Sunny: I'm afraid I wouldn't know about that. 
Louis: We're not asking you to implicate 
Vecchio: Come on. Look lt. She knows all about the book. She used to be one of Sunny's girls. Most of the guys she spends her evenings with are all over magazines. 
O'Neil: Does your Detective not have a leash? 
Vecchio: Look Lt, ya gotta give me this case. I spent 6 years. I know how to handle this sort of thing. 
O'Neil: Vecchio! God only knows what addresses are in that address book. 
Welsh: It requires very special handling. 
O'Neil: Not your special handling. 
Vecchio: Oh and what's that suppose to mean? 
Fraser: I think what the Commander is suggesting is that your methods tend to be a little how do you put it? 
Vecchio: In your face? 
O'Neil: Exactly. 
Welsh: Commander have you met... 
O'Neil: The Mountie. Sherry O'Neil. 
Fraser: Benton Fraser. Pleased to meet you. 
Associate: I'm afraid I have a pressing appointment if you need any more information my attorney will give you his card. 
Vecchio: Ohhh1. I see where this is going. Yeah, why don't we give this to the Duck Boys. They're perfect for the assignment. They don't ruffle anybody's feathers. 
Louis: Hey are those Chenille posts? 
Associate to Sunny: Yes. 
Huey: Stunning. 
O'Neil: They'll do fine. 
Vecchio: Yes, it was my mistake huh? Instead of being out there solving crimes I should have been attending charm school. 
O'Neil: He always whine like this? 
Fraser: Well I wouldn't use the word whine but he does have an occasionally a nasal quality. 
Welsh: Yes, he does. 
Vecchio: Is that a sexist remark? Do I detect reverse discrimination? 
Reporter: Commander O'Neil do you have a suspect in the Barclay murder? 
O'Neil: No statement. 
Welsh: Constable, do you happen to have an insignificant and time consuming case in your back pocket. 
Fraser: As a matter of fact sir, yes. There's a matter of a street urchin. 
Welsh: Oh perfect. Perfect. Take Vecchio with you. 
Fraser: Thank you leftentant. 
[Celia's Fine Reusables] 
Celia: Nogahide. 
Sid: No it's leather. Smell it. 
Celia: Nogahide. 50 bucks for the lot. 
Sid: 50-quality stuff is worth twice as much. 
Celia: Well take it or leave it. 
Sid: What about this? Some kind of computer. It's got to be worth at least a 100 bucks. 
Celia: I've got 10 of them. 
Sid: Show her the brooch. Show her. 
Andy: Well I thought I could keep this one. 
Sid: No, we need the money. 
Andy: Well it's mine. 
Sid: No, nothings yours. Not until I say. 
Celia: Maybe you ought to listen to your sister. 
Sid: Somebody ask you? 
Celia: Look at your hand. Hard to pitch quality stuff I would say with those size mitts. Ya gotta remember where your breads buttered. 
Sid: You want the pin or not? 
Celia: [looks at Andy, knowing she wants to keep the pin] Can't more it. Take it somewhere else. 
Sid: Thanks. Come on. The matinee is getting old. [Celia and Andy smile at each other] Who does the business in this family, huh? Who? 
Andy: It's just a stupid piece of jewelry. I don't ask you for much. I don't ask you for clothes or money or anything. Not that you'd give it to me if I did, 
Sid: Get you jewelry when we can afford it. 
Andy: I want it. 
Sid: Look fine. You can starve to death. [Andy gets in the van, that is also their home. Andy goes in the back and looks at photographs and puts the pin in the photo box] 
Sid: Yeah, right. [ Sid has that look of what else could go wrong as Carley drives up] 
Carley: How you doing today Sid? 
Sid: I don't have time for you Carley. 
Carley: Well you better or otherwise I'll have to invite you and your sister down to the office for an interview. Now that would be an official interview. Cost us both time and money. 
Sid: I'm out of here. Look, I gave you 500 bucks last week. 
Carley: That was last week. 
Sid: Well I don't have it. 
Carley: Can you get it? 
Sid: No. 
Carley: I do have an obligation to turn your sister to a foster home. 
Sid: My sister's staying with me. 
Carley: Not if you can't afford it. Stay out of trouble now. 
Sid: Yeah, what ever. [gets in the van and starts it up] Andy, today! [meaning get out of the back of the van and take a seat, I'm driving off] 
[Coffee shop] 
Johnstone's Body Guard. About this tall. Her mother's worried sick about her. This is a number I can be reached at. 
Waitress: We get a lot of run aways in here. I'll ask around. 
Johnstone's Body Guard. Thank you. 
[on the street they have just gotten out of the Riv. Dief is with them] 
Vecchio: There's no way we're gonna find these kids. They're street smart. They live underground. We might as well be looking for a pendent winning Cubs team. 
Fraser: I promised the Inspector Vecchio: 
Vecchio: You promised her. The same woman who's been trying to get you fired for weeks. Does the word sap mean anything to you Benny? 
Fraser: Of course it does, Vecchio: It's from the Latin Sapire. 
Vecchio: It is? [Dief goes back to the Riv] 
Fraser: Don't be a sap Ray. 
Vecchio: You don't really know Latin. 
Fraser: [speaks some latin] 
Vecchio: Ah you're making that up. [notices that Dief isn't with them and heads to the Riv, Ray tags along] 
Fraser: You're babying yourself, you know that. Now it's only going to make the situation worse. 
Dief whines. 
Vecchio: Ah leave him alone. He's sick. 
Fraser: Ray he is my wolf. I believe I know what's best for him. 
Vecchio: How would you know what's bast for him. You haven't been sick a day in your life. 
Fraser: I most certainly have. 
Vecchio: With what? 
Fraser: Various childhood illnesses. 
Vecchio: Such as? 
Fraser: The usual. 
Vecchio: Could you be a little more specific? 
Fraser: Pink eye. Both of them. Swelled up like watermelons. 
Vecchio: Pink eye. 
Fraser: Alright. Suit yourself. 
Vecchio: Yeah. My heart's bleeding for you. You know I hear that pink eye can be fatal. 
Fraser: In the North? Most diffenently. 
Fraser: You know first impressions can be misleading Ray. 
Vecchio: No, you just have to find the good in everyone even if you have to manufacture it. 
Fraser: Look at this. 
Vecchio: Ah. Somebody has a sweet tooth. 
Fraser: mmm. 
Vecchio: Did I ever tell you how much I hate it when you do that mmm thing? 
Fraser: mmm. Underground. 
Vecchio: Oh no, no. I am not going underground. 
Fraser: I'll be right back. 
Vecchio: Fraser! Fraser! Oh why do I always let him do this to me. Alright. Alright. I'm coming. But remember, this is Chicago. If we crawl into this thing we may never come out. Ohhhh! [splat] Fraser, where are you? 
[We can't see them but we ae still on the street and are following them by their voices] 
Fraser: I'm here Vecchio: Just follow my voice. 
Vecchio: You see the kids? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: The brooch? 
Fraser: No. 
Fraser: Exactly, so lets just turn around. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: This is a swill pit. You brought me into a swill pit. 
Fraser: No, it's not a swill pit Vecchio: First of all, swill entails a more pungent odor and a pit is generally a circular indentation with only one entrance from the top. This however fits the definition of a tunnel. A long straight- 
Vecchio: Ow! 
Fraser: Correction, a long meandering tunnel. 
Vecchio: Alright, call it what you want but all I see is dirt and mold and -- oh my god. Oh My God. You're not gonna put -- don't put that -- 
Fraser: I'm just smelling it Ray. 
Vecchio: Like there isn't enough to smell in here you have to dredge something up from the sledge. 
Fraser: A carrot! 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: It's a carrot. 
Vecchio: Alright great. It's a carrot. Just drop it. 
Fraser: Hmm, it's fresh too. 
Vecchio: You ate it?! 
Fraser: Ray calm down I'm sure there's nothing in here less sanitary than -- ohh - stay away from that Ray. 
[they exit thru a manhole] 
Vecchio: Out. That's it. Out! Now. Out! Do you know how many suits of mine you've ruined? Twenty-four perfectly good - Holy Cow! [almost gets hit by a car] Come on man, get out of here. What is it with you? Does dirt not stick to you? Were you scotch guarded at birth? 
Fraser: Hanky? [the overly clean Mountie offers a hanky to the really dirty faced Cop as Andy walks past. they don't see each other. She whispers to another girl who just bought a pretzel with mustard. She promptly runs into a man] 
Man: Hey, hey, look what you did. This is genuine leather. 
Johnstone's Body Guard. Police, she's a pick pocket. [grabs Andy and is dragging her away] Where is it? You stole something from me and I want it back. 
Fraser: Stop right there. [Johnstone's Body Guard lets Andy go and runs off] [to Ray] You take him. [Ray chases Johnstone's Body Guard. andy starts into the sewer but Fraser is already there] Fraser: I'm sorry, you'll have to come with me. 
[27th precinct] 
Thatcher: You have my brooch? 
Fraser: Well uh, no sir. 
Thatcher: I see. You brought me down here in the middle of my busy schedule and you don't have my brooch? 
Fraser: The police would like you to help identify a suspect who might have stolen it. 
Thatcher: But they don't have my brooch either. 
Fraser: No. 
Thatcher: I thought I made it clear you are not here to clean up America. This is their problem. 
Vecchio: Well thank you, I appreciate you pointing it out. 
Thatcher: I'm not interested in retribution, I'm interested in results. Even a rudimentary understanding of dealing with criminals would indicate you would have a better chance at locating the where abouts of my brooch with the suspect free to be followed. Or am I mistaken Constable? 
Fraser: Uh, no sir you're quite right. 
Thatcher: Well then, get going. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, I'd crawl through a sewer for her any day. 
Cop: Cleaned out her apartment got every book we could find. Fiction and nonfiction. 
Huey: Looking for an appointment book with names and numbers of possible suspects not a good read officer. 
Louis: How long you been out of the academy. It's useless. 
Vecchio: Cut the kid loose. 
Fraser: Ray! The man who assaulted her was the same man she stole from. 
Vecchio: Look, you spend the day picking other peoples pockets, you're going to tick somebody off. 
Fraser: Well that's hardly comfort to a 14 year old is it? 
Vecchio: Well what do you care so much about this kid for? 
Fraser: Alright. 
Vecchio: All right. Please tell me it doesn't involve sub zero temperatures or Inuit legends. 
Fraser: No. It does not. 
Vecchio: Aw, course it does. It always does. 
Fraser: Ray, all right. When I was little my grandparents too me on vacation to Aklavik. 
Vecchio: What for? A little sun and sand? 
Fraser: Oh, hardly. It's a thriving urban center. Anyway, one day I wandered off alone when they were window shopping. There I was all alone in a big city. The thing is Ray, I became hungry. Very hungry. I didn't know anyone. I didn't have any money. I was desperate. 
Vecchio: So you ate a polar bear? 
Fraser: Don't be ridiculous, Ray. I boiled my shoes. My oxfords. My left oxford to be exact. Boy, my grandmother ever tan my hide over that one. 
Vecchio: Oh--That's a good one, so what's the point? 
Fraser: The point is Ray, being young and alone is frightening. Without proper guidance they'll do things that are out of character. 
Vecchio: Look they're petty thieves. You know they rob and assault people for nickels and dimes. 
Fraser: Ray, will you at least let me talk to her for a second. 
Vecchio: Okay, okay, then you promise to leave me alone. 
Fraser: I promise. 
Vecchio: Okay, go ahead. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Fraser: Excuse me, can I talk to you? The man who accosted you. 
Sid: Who is this guy? 
Fraser: Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. He was the same man who chased you last night, was he not? 
Lawyer: Excuse me are you here in some official capacity? 
Fraser: My superior officer has lost something. A brooch. 
Sid: We don't have to listen to him, right? 
Vecchio: Your sister has been accosted twice by the same man in the last 24 hours. 
she's fine. 
Fraser: Not if we hadn't been there. 
Sid: Look I'm telling you I can take care of her. 
Fraser: I think you probably can under normal circumstances. 
Sid: Like I said, do we have to talk to him? 
Lawyer: No you don't. 
Sid: Fine. 
Fraser: Excuse me, you forgot your sugar cubes. 
Andy: Thanks. 
[Outside] 
Andy: Sid? 
Sid: What? What?! 
Andy: Nothing, nothing.[They get in the van] 
Sid: This what you stole from that guy? 
Andy: Yeah, I guess so. 
Sid: Must be worth something. 
Andy: No, it's just junk, you heard Celia. 
Sid: No it's worth something. Maybe even a thousand. 
Andy: Well then give it to the cop. You heard the Mountie, he tried to kill me. 
Sid: Yeah so when has a pig ever been straight with us. 
Andy: Don't we have enough saved up already? Can't we just jet? 
Sid: No, we need more. 
Andy: We always need more. 
Sid: Look, we're going, okay? Don't I always do as I say? You want to go back to the foster home? I'm taking care of you. [Andy storms out of van] Andy? Andy! You meet me back at Celias, do you hear me? 
[at a horse taxi] 
Andy: [to horse] Listen buster, if you eat all your carrots, I've got sugar cubes for dessert for you. 
Fraser: It's a very good choice. Plenty of carotene. 
Andy: What's that? 
Fraser: It's a red or yellow crystalline pigment found in carrots among other things. The body converts it into vitamin A. It's the orange stuff. 
Andy: Oh. 
Fraser: Have you ever ridden in one of these things? 
Andy: Sid says it's a waste of money. 
Fraser: Sid's not paying. Excuse me. May I? I've had some experience. 
Horse owner: Go ahead. But she only moves for me. 
Fraser: Really? There, come on up. Diefenbaker. 
Andy: It's a wolf, huh? 
Fraser: Yes, his name is Diefenbaker. 
Andy: He looks pretty sick. 
Fraser: Oh, it's just a plea for your sympathy I assure you. So it's just you and your brother then? 
Andy: No we have a family. They got a big ranch with lots of horses. Um, we're just hanging out, making a few bucks until we can hook up with them again. You ever been to Wyoming? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact, I have. I arrested a man in Wyoming. 
Andy: Then you know where we're going. I'll have my own horse when we're there. 
Fraser: mmhum. 
Andy: I'll ride him everyday. 
Fraser: mmhum. 
Andy. That's why Sid's got us working so hard. He's just trying to get us there. 
Fraser: Well I imagine you'll be leaving quite soon. 
Andy: Yeah, pretty soon I guess. 
Fraser: When? A week? A month? 
Andy: I don't know. 
Fraser: It's a big trip. You musta been planning it a long time. You must talk about it a lot. 
Andy: Yeah we talk about it. Well, I talk about it. 
Fraser: How long? 
Andy: What? 
Fraser: How long you been planning the trip? 
Andy: A few months maybe. More like a year actually. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Andy: Look, we're going okay? Sid always does what he says. Always. It's just that ... we got to go together. Look, we promised. 
Fraser: Okay. Here, you want to try this? Just hold em nice and loose. That's it. 
[27th precinct, Huey's desk] 
Huey: Personally I prefer Myrtle Beach to Martha's Vineyards. You? 
Someone: Tell me, is that blouse from the gap? 
[Ray walks by and steals a file and keeps going] 
Andy: So, what do you want? 
Fraser: Excuse me? 
Andy: Sid says people only do stuff for you when they want something. So what is it? 
Fraser: Well you know the worlds a big place. Sid's only seen a little part of it. 
Andy: Do you think that guys going to come after me again? 
Fraser: I think that's very likely. 
Andy: He kept saying something about a book or something. 
Fraser: Is that what you stole from him? 
Andy: I haven't said anything about stealing anything. 
Fraser: Oh that's right you didn't. Want to go around again? 
Andy: Well it's kinda raining. 
Fraser: Oh yeah. I'll help you down. 
[27th, the bathroom] 
Fraser: The killer has a specific tattoo on the side of his neck. She says she pick pocketed something from him the night of the murder. 
Vecchio: Yeah so? 
Fraser: Well she said she took some kind of device. I think they call it an electronic organizer. 
Vecchio: The book. address book. 
Fraser: Perhaps. There's something more Ray. She said he tried to use a wire on her. I think it was a garroting wire. 
Vecchio: Now guess who was killed the same way. 
[flash over to Sid in alley with address book] 
[Fraser and Ray in a tatto shop] 
Fraser: It was a small tattoo. The stars and stripes. Located approximately 4 centimeters below the left ear. I remember quite distinctly. And judging by the sharpness of the color, our man either avoided the sun or the tattoo was relatively new. Now if we can just match up the style of the tattoo with the artist. 
Vecchio: Fraser, a tattoo is a tattoo. It doesn't take a Michael Angelo to doodle old glory on somebody's neck. 
Fraser: On the contrary Ray. A tattoo is a very individual thing. You don't hand it over to just anybody. You have to have faith in a vision and the integrity of the artist. 
Vecchio: The artist? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: You call this art? 
Fraser: Very much so. And you know something? It's exactly that kind of assumption that has contributed to the commercialization of this ancient from in recent years. Excuse me. These subtle shadings are they Zulu influence or Tanganican? 
Guy: Boyd. [Boyd comes out of the backroom] 
Fraser: Ah. 
[They start going from one parlor to the next until we find them in one where the artist is drawing on Fraser's left arm] 
Artist: Nuance. You don't get a lot of it in this business. That's why I remember him. 
Vecchio: Nuance? 
Artist: The man favored subtlety. At first I thought he was just another cro-magnum knock off. I had him figured for the dancing Statue of Liberty. The flag of Iwojima. Jon Bon Jovie. You sure you only want red and white? 
Fraser: Uh, yes, just red and white. Thank you. 
Artist: Then he did something unexpected like he had ordered a bottle of 1970 Chateau Margo with his burrito. 
Fraser: You mean the American flag on the back of his neck? 
Yeah, postage stamp size. You have to appreciate it. You're sure. I got a very nice metallic puce. 
Fraser: No, no uh red and white will be sufficient. Thank you and I believe you will find that the maple leaf actually has three points unlike the oak which you have , you have rendered quite, uh, accurate here. 
Artist: Problem? 
Fraser: No. Carry on. 
Vecchio: Do you know where we might find this guy with all the nuance? 
Artist: No. He just paid cash and then he left. 
Vecchio: Did he talk about his work? Mention a favorite restaurant or anything? 
Artist: Not the talkative type. He gave me this though. 
[Hands Ray a campaign pin] 
Vecchio: Johnstone. Senator Johnstone. Come on, let's go. 
Fraser: Ah well, perhaps next time. 
Vecchio: Well that's very nice. Is that the Tanganikian influence? 
[the van] 
Andy: Okay, so Sid, when are we going to leave? 
Sid: Leave me alone. 
Andy: Sid, when? 
Sid: Don't know. A month or two. Look at this. It's movie actors and football players. They've got lots of money. 
Andy: So what? 
Sid: Some of their names are in this computer. I knew it was worth something. I knew it. 
Andy: Okay. How much do we have saved. 
Sid: You don't worry about that. That's my business. You dip, I do the rest. What the hell are you doing? 
Andy: Looking at our money. 
Sid: Oh - give it! 
Andy: Look, that money is mine too. I must of lifted 1200 bucks last week. now where is it? 
Sid: I spent it, alright. Andy! Don't you walk away from me. 
Andy: You spent our money Sid. 
Sid: Look, I put food in your mouth and a roof over your head. 
Andy: You always said it was okay to steal from other people. 
Sid: Look, you know how much it costs me to keep you out of that foster home? 
Andy: You said it was all so we could go to Wyoming. 
Sid: There's nothing in Wyoming! It's just some stupid idea you got in your head. 
Andy: What are you talking about Mom has family that live there. You said that-- 
Sid: Mother lied. [Andy slaps him] 
Andy: And you said you'd take me there. You lied. 
[in elevator heading to Johnstone's office] 
Vecchio: Celebrities no different than the next guy Fraser. The only mistake you can make is treating them like they are. 
Fraser: Still Ray, there's a matter of etiquette. 
Vecchio: Are you saying I don't have any etiquette? 
Fraser: Etiquette is a loose clarification of the rules of conduct in polite society and I believe that preconcludes accusing a United States Senator of murder, conspiracy and moral deviants. 
Vecchio: Fraser, this is America, we do that all the time. 
Vecchio: Excuse me, Senator Johnstone please. 
Campaign manager: We have dozens of campaign workers. We don't demand a psyciatric history before we allow them to stuff envelopes. This one. [pointing out to one of her workers which item to use] 
Vecchio: The woman killed was Sunny Barclay. Maybe you seen some of the press coverage? 
Campaign manager: Adjust the slogan. This way Detective. That's quite an accusation. 
Vecchio: Uh, who's accusing? I'd just like a word with the Senator. 
Campaign manager: Sounds to me like you want to start a smear campaign. 
Vecchio: Look, I've got a dead madam, a missing address book and a guy running around with a garroting wire who's a walking advertisement for Elliot Johnstone. I think that warrants a conversation with the man. 
Campaign manager: If you believe the Senator, a well known advocate of family values, knew Miss Barclay? 
Vecchio: It wouldn't be the first time a politician preached one thing and practiced another. 
Campaign manager: You have proof of this? 
Vecchio: Look, all I'm asking for is five minutes of the mans time. Now you can keep stonewalling me and I'm going to start getting suspicious. Like maybe the Senator did know Sunny Barclay. Maybe they exchanged phone numbers and maybe that phone number found it's way into her little black book. 
Campaign manager: So you are accusing him. 
Vecchio: All I'm saying is it's possible. 
Campaign manager: Well, it's not. 
Vecchio: Oh and you know this for sure. You know where he is and who he's with every minute of every day and every night? 
Campaign manager: Yes. I do. 
Vecchio: And I thought you were his campaign manager. 
Campaign manager: I am. I'm also his wife. [picks up phone] What district did you say you're with? 
[Sid is in Celia's Pawn Shop on the phone to Johnstone's Body Guard] 
Sid: A waitress gave me your number. I have what you're looking for. 
Johnstone's Body Guard: Yeah. 
Sid: A book with names in it. Want to hear some? 
Johnstone's Body Guard: Be smart kid, take the book back to the alley where you stole it. I'll meet you there. 
Sid: I want an award. 10,000. If you don't pay, I take the book to the cops. 
Johnstone's Body Guard: The girl. She's your sister, isn't she? 
Sid: What? 
Johnstone's Body Guard: I thought so. She looks a lot like you. 
Sid: My sister? 
Johnstone's Body Guard: The alley. One hour. Bring the book. 
Sid: What about my sister. 
Johnstone's Body Guard: Oh, don't worry. I'll keep a close eye on her. 
[Andy gets up from a table in a diner and goes outside. She's playing the the brooch. Sid is running, looking for her. Johnstone's Body Guard grabs her from behind] 
Johnstone's Body Guard: You're not lucky. [puts his hand over her mouth] I told you ---------? Get in the car. [he pushes her in, the gets in] 
Sid [spotting her in car as it drives off]: Andy![he looks lost and not sure of what to do] 
[27th precinct, Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Now that takes real vision. Shaking down a United States Senator. 
Vecchio: Honest to God sir all we did was ask Mrs. Johnstone a couple of questions, she completely over reacted. 
Welsh: Oh you think. You did accuse her husband of consorting with a world famous prostitute. 
Vecchio: Suggested sir, never accused. 
Welsh: That makes a big difference. 
O'Neil: Harding. What were you thinking? 
Welsh: Excuse me? 
O'Neil: You let this idiot question a United States Senator? 
Welsh: Can't we talk about this in private? 
O'Neil: I don't have time for that. I have to report to the Mayor's office and explain to them why your Detective lost his mind. 
Vecchio: Sir we have compelling evidence trying one of the senators men to the murder of Sunny Barclay. 
O'Neil: Oh really. And what would that compelling evidence be? 
Vecchio: Well that would be uh...you see sir it's sort of a small uh... 
Fraser: It's a tattoo sir. 
Vecchio: Yeah that's what it is sir. 
O'Neil: Johnstone has a tattoo? 
Fraser: An employee. His body guard I believe. 
Vecchio: The guy with the tattoo murdered Sunny Barclay and stole her organizer and we have a witness. 
O'Neil: Someone saw this guy kill Sunny? 
Vecchio: Well not exactly. Our witness stole the organizer from the killer. 
Fraser: A young pick pocket sir. 
O'Neil: A credible witness. 
Fraser: She was later threatened by the tattoo man with the same type of weapon. 
O'Neil: So you proceeded to grill the Senators wife on the word of a thief. 
Fraser: Well not just the thief sir we also spoke with the tattoo artist and he gave us this. 
Welsh: Fraser, there are thousands of these things all over the city. I have one myself. 
Fraser: I believe sir that you will find all those other pins are labeled 'Johnstone 96'. This one was labeled from his earlier campaign in 1990. Indicating that whoever wore it had to have a particular attachment to the senator to have kept it and be wearing it six years later. 
O'Neil: Your pickpocket can she I.D. the guy? 
Fraser: Yes. 
O'Neil: Is she here ready to make a statement? 
Vecchio: Well she's not on the premises sir. 
O'Neil: Have you stashed somewhere? 
Vecchio: Well we don't actually have her in our actual possession. 
Welsh: But you know where to find her. 
Fraser: Oh no sir we don't have the slightest idea. 
O'Neil: Oh you are a piece of work Vecchio. And you wonder why you're career is going no where. Nope. You are so incompetent you couldn't get to no where if I drew you a map. 
Cop: Detective Vecchio. 
O'Neil: I'm not through with him. 
Cop: Uh, Commander, the kid says it's urgent. 
Vecchio: Uh what kid? 
O'Neil: Would you mind not interrupting me? 
Welsh: Commander, This is still my unit, these are my Detectives. Now Detective Vecchio needs to be disciplined, I'll do it. 
Vecchio: What does he want? 
Cop: Something about an address book? 
Vecchio: Well if you'll excuse us please? 
[Alley, sitting in Sid's van] 
Sid: He said he'd be here. He's going to see us. He's going to know I went to the cops. 
Vecchio: Relax. He doesn't think you're that smart. 
Welsh: All units report. 
Vecchio: Unit one's in place. 
Huey: Unit 2. 
Welsh: Unit 3. Unit 3 are you there? Unit 3. 
Louis: Unit 3 check. 
Welsh: Suspect appears. let him get in position. Don't overreact just wait for my command. That is unless you... 
O'Neil: It's your department. 
Welsh: Thank you sir. 
Huey: They're here. 
[Johnstone's Body Guard gets out with Andy, goes into alley. Andy is crying and asking to be let go.] 
Louis: Moving this way. 
Johnstone's Body Guard[to Andy]: Shut up! 
Louis: Hold it police. Hold it. [Andy kicks Johnstone's Body Guard and runs. Louis is knocked over by body guard] We're blown. 
Fraser [to Sid]: Stay put. 
[the chase goes to the roof, same route she took getting away from Fraser the first time.] 
Louis: They're on the roof. 
[Ray heads up the ladder] 
[Sid runs down an alley, up a pole. Andy is still running, but Sid knows the routine and knows where she'll end up and he is going to be there when she arrives. She almost makes it but Johnstone's Body Guard grabs her by the ankle as she is scurrying up the last bit of the roof.][Ray is on the roof, so is Huey, they meet up] 
Huey: Nothing. 
[Andy screams, they head toward the sound. Johnstone's Body Guard again has Andy and is heading toward the ladder, Fraser pops up on the ladder] 
Johnstone's Body Guard: Move it! 
Fraser: I can't do that. 
Johnstone's Body Guard: I'll kill her now. Get out of the way. 
Fraser: Won't do you any good. 
[Andy bites Johnstone's Body Guard and gets away again and in her panic, she goes over the edge, Fraser is barely holding onto her. Johnstone's Body Guard picks up a pipe ready to hit Andy or Fraser. Sid runs up from behind] 
Sid: Andy! [Sid's momentum carries him into Johnstone's Body Guard and they both go over the edge. Andy is struggling now trying to get to Sid. Fraser loses his grip on the ladder, they both start to tumble but Ray grabs him by the front of his jacket at the very last moment and grins down at Fraser. 
[on the ground, in the alley] 
O'Neil [to reporters]: Well actually Sunny Barclays address book was recovered… 
Huey [to paramedics about body guard]: Just get him ready to go into court. 
Sid [on stretcher to Andy]: You okay? 
Andy: I'm fine. 
Sid: I was thinking maybe we should get out of this place. 
Andy: You just fell off a building. 
Sid [Ray and Fraser} She never wanted to steal. I made her. 
Vecchio: Ah, not to worry. I got a friend down at the State Attorney's. 
Fraser: Good luck. [Sid is loaded into the ambulance, Ray and Fraser start walking] Your friend hates you Ray. 
Vecchio: Ah it's just a ploy. 
Fraser: She would like to see you incarerated. 
Vecchio: So she likes handcuffs. 

End of the Promise
 
 
 
 
 

Mask

[evening. Fraser is checking the security systems] 
Fraser: I'm almost done Ray. 
Vecchio: Look you touch that thing one more time, you're going to wear a hole in it. 
Fraser: Well any job worth doing is worth well. 
Vecchio: You're protecting rocks Fraser. 
Fraser: They're not just rocks Ray. They're transformation masks, hand carved basalt over 1000 year old, you know the Tsimshian people use them in a winter ceremony to pray that the gods will return the sun to them in the spring. 
Vecchio: Yeah well they give me the creeps. 
Fraser: Well you should stop looking at them. 
Vecchio: They're looking at me. 
Fraser: You now it's interesting you should say that because that's what they're supposed to do. You see the inner mask has it's eyes open and the outer mask has it's eyes closed and they interlock, one inside the other. It's the only matching set in existence. 
Vecchio: Yeah well that's great, can we go now? [pause. Ray walks away] Fraser [Ray doesn't look back] 
Fraser: Coming [Checks one of the beams.] 
Vecchio: Fraser 
Fraser: [ Waves Stetson in front of beam]:Coming. 
Vecchio: Fraser [shouts] 
Fraser: Yep. [Walking through the museum] In 1879 the masks were confiscated by an Anglican priest, named Duncan who had been sent to convert the Tsimshian and as was the custom in those days he took their religious symbols from them. He later sold the masks to two separate countries and they're finally being reunited after more than 100 years. 
Vecchio: So? 
Fraser: It's an important moment of history for both Canada and France. Not to mention the Political, cultural and religious significance it holds for the North American Inuit people. 
Vecchio: And? 
Fraser: Worth over a million dollars 
Vecchio: Oh..Now you're talking.... The car is ]this] way. [Ray walks one direction Fraser walks the other then Ray doubles back and follows Fraser.] 
In the museum] 
Thatcher: it was the summer I spent at the Sorbonne. I was young and a trifle naive, I'm afraid 
Curator: Yes what artist model isn't? Do you still have the sketches. 
Fraser: Sir? 
Thatcher: What is it Fraser? 
Fraser: I've completed my inspection of the security systems, I've checked the motion detectors, the emergency back up system, the pressure plates, and examined the perimeter of the building.... 
Vecchio: Twice. 
Thatcher: Fine carry on. 
Fraser: May I introduce Detective Vecchio, Mr. Robinson is the museum's curator and I believe you know Inspector Thatcher. 
Vecchio: Hello Mr. Robinson. 
Curator: Police? Constable, the museum has a well deserved reputation for top notch security, I think that we have it covered. 
Fraser: Yes Sir, but still.. 
Thatcher: Thank you Fraser I think we should let Mr. Robinson get home to his family. 
Curator: Well, it'll be a long drive, my parents live in Pensicola. 
Thatcher: Really I love Pennsicola, where is that exactly.? 
Vecchio: She want's him. 
Fraser: For what? 
[Lights are turned off, museum is shut up with a few scattered guards.] 
[Fraser and Ray walk towards the Riv. Fraser keeps looking back] 
Vecchio: They'll still be there in the morning.. come on. 
[Cut to mask, robbers are climbing down from a vent in the ceiling [being lowered down on a rope and winch. Back to Fraser and Ray walking towards the Riv.] 
Vecchio: The dragon lady and Mr. Museum guy oh she must be desperate. 
[Robber takes masks ] 
Robber 1[David]: OK 
[The glass the robber drops a circle of glass on the floor ] ]ALARMS RING] 
[Fraser and Ray run back to the museum] 
Robber 1 [David]: Pull me up, pull me up... Come on don't leave me here [Winch is jammed and robber 2 runs off.] 
Vecchio: All right we got it....Freeze. [Ray takes the robbers mask off.] 
Vecchio: Give me a hand... 
[Meanwhile Fraser chases robber 2 across the roof. The robber knocks Fraser off the roof and he is dangling by his finger tips.] 
Fraser: Eric? Eric! 
[Raven flies down and knocks Fraser off the roof, he lands in a dumpster] 
[Outside the museum] 
Vecchio: So you fell? 
Fraser: Yes I fell. 
Vecchio: You fell. 
Fraser: Yes Ray, I fell. 
Vecchio: Oh no you see that just doesn't make any sense because Mounties don't just fall, they leap they bound, grad-jete but they don't just fall. 
Fraser: I think I knew him. 
Vecchio: Who the thief? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: And you got a good look at him whilst you were dangling there? 
Fraser: Well no Ray of course not. The truth is I'm not sure what it was I saw. 
[In the Interrogation room. Robber 1/Fraser/Ray present] 
Vecchio: We've got your picture out on the wire sooner or later it's going to come back with a name and a place And you will have wasted a great deal of this detective's time and in the process made him very angry so why don't you make it easy on yourself? 
Robber [David]: I told you I came to see a Blackhawks game. 
Vecchio: You know the museums a funny place to be catching a game. 
Fraser: Your partner took the masks and left you hanging there why are you protecting him. 
Robber: I got nothing to say. 
[Ray slams robber's head onto table] 
Fraser: Okay Ray. 
Vecchio: Let me tell you something... 
Fraser: Ray-Ray-Ray-Ray, he's right there's nothing he can do for us. 
Vecchio: Well there's nothing we can do for him. 
Fraser [In Tsimshian]: Would you like a glass of water. {David just stares at him] 
Vecchio: So what was that, some form of secret Canadian you only speak to one another. 
Fraser: Tsimshian. 
Vecchio: That was going to be my next guess. 
Fraser: I'm a little rusty but he seems to understand what I meant. 
Elaine: Oh there you are. You're right he's Canadian. One misdemeanor, charges dropped. David Kitikmeot from Nak-I-na? 
Fraser: Kakina. 
Vecchio: That's Canadian for frozen, or cold or maybe even Tundra. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Elaine. 
Elaine: Not so fast Welsh wants to see you and you've got visitors. 
[Welsh's office] 
Thatcher: Miss Dechamp is here representing the French government, Mrs. Kelly, the Canadian. The Masks? 
Fraser: Nothing to report Sir. 
Thatcher: You weren't able to apprehend the thief? 
Fraser: No Sir, I'm afraid not. 
Thatcher: That's not good enough is it? 
Fraser: No sir it's not. 
Vecchio: Look he grad-jeted 50 ft off that roof trying to get that guy.. he's lucky to be alive. 
Thatcher: Of course 
Vecchio: Nice shirt. 
Thatcher [tucking said article into her skirt] : Yes...well... you caught me changing. 
Vecchio: I'm sure we did. 
Fraser: Were are interrogating a suspect. A Canadian citizen apprehended at the museum, May I? 
Welsh: Are they all this polite? 
Thatcher: He's native? 
Fraser: Yes he is 
Canadian: That makes sense. 
Duchamp: Lieutenant, My government is very concerned you see we have received demands by the Canadian Aboriginal people for the return of our half of the masks. 
Kelly: As has our government. 
Welsh: Meaning. 
Fraser: It's a Tsimshian religious symbol Sir, and apparently they would like it back. 
Welsh: That's understandable. 
Dechamp: But irrelevant they sold it to us. 
Kelly: And us. 
Fraser: Well that would appear to be a matter of considerable dispute. 
Welsh: Really. 
Thatcher: needless to say if the masks are not recovered by the gala opening on Saturday. 
Welsh: I trust you can put aside your many open cases and give this one your complete undivided attention. 
Vecchio: Most definitely sir. 
Welsh: I thought so. 
Dechamp: Thank you for your co operation Lieutenant. 
Welsh: My pleasure. 
Thatcher: We'll discuss this later. 
Fraser: I'm sure we will sir. 
Kelly: Leftenant. 
Duchamp: Lieutenant. [they leave Welsh's Office.] 
Duchamp: Detective Vecchio, I trust you will grant the French all the courtesy that you extend to the Canadians. 
Vecchio: Of course. 
Duchamp: Thank you. 
Ray : Au revoir. 
Duchamp: Au revoir.... 
Vecchio: Women 101 learn at least one word in every foreign language. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Louise: Vecchio. 
Fraser: For this one? 
Vecchio: Va moose? 
Louise: Freeze detective. 
Fraser: Ray would you [Hands him a paper cone of water and makes a quick get away] 
Vecchio: Coward... Louise did I tell you how good you look in green. Now if this is about our date on Saturday night. 
Louise: My office tells me that you have a minor child in custody against all good sense and logic. 
Vecchio: Oh he's no choir boy Louise. 
Louise: Would you please explain this to me Detective and please also tell me that you are not actually interrogating him under these circumstances. 
Vecchio: Louise [hands her the cone of water ] Thank you. 
[In the Interview room..David makes a paper thunderbird. Fraser and Ray watch from behind the one way mirror] 
Vecchio: Well since he's 17 and juvie's full, child welfare are going to take him to a temporary shelter. St. Laurent made a deal with the public defender to pedal him until charges are laid tomorrow. In consideration of the conversation we did not have with him. 
Fraser: He'll disappear. 
Vecchio: Yeah well, we don't have a lot of choice it's out of our hands...all right....come on. 
[Fraser gets the discarded paper bird] 
[Outside in Riv] 
Social worker: OK David.. here we go. It's just around the corner. You hungry? 
Fraser: So what happens now? 
Vecchio: Child welfare gets comfortable and turns on the cable and we spend the rest of the night out on our bunions that's what...Waste of time 
[David runs out having hit the social worker] 
Vecchio: I'll get the social worker 
Fraser: I'll take David. 
Ray [To social worker]: Are you all right. 
Social worker: Yeah I'm all right. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
[Fraser chases David into the underground station. David and Fraser shadow each other sliding in and out of the train, David gets the upper hand and gets off the train he had got on and jumps onto another, Fraser chases it down platform but doesn't manage to catch it. David waves to him from the train] 
[Ray and loads of cops turn up] Vecchio: I knew I didn't trust that kid... 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Eric: I was wondering when you'd get here Mountie. 
Fraser: I was wondering when you would show up... Hello Eric. 
[Dief whines] 
Eric: David is young and idealistic. When we heard that the masks would be brought together and David and another Tsimshian boy disappeared from their village I knew where he would go. This thunderbird is a symbol of a worried society that is calling to our youth together now a days when youth feel the power of the spirit they are not patient and willing to leave this to their elders or the proper authorities they will take things into their own hands. 
Fraser: It was you wasn't it. 
Eric: Me? 
Fraser: On the roof of the museum 
Eric: What took you to the roof of a museum? 
Fraser: A thief. 
Eric: David's friend Joshua Springer perhaps.. 
Fraser: I don't think so. It was you. 
Eric: I was here you can ask your wolf. 
[Dief whines] 
Fraser: It was you. 
Eric: I heard a story once it tells of a man who became a raven and went to skyworld to steal the sun. The raven stole the sun and brought it back to his people so that they could have light. But left skyworld blind. Perhaps it was the raven you saw on the roof... 
Fraser: No it was a man I saw on the roof and I'm going to find him. 
Eric: You will 
[Next bit plenty of subtext going on... you get the feeling that Fraser thinks the masks should be back with their 'rightful' if not lawful owners and so does Eric, both leave a lot unsaid] 
Fraser: Yes I will and then I will arrest him and I will return the masks. 
Eric: I'm going to find my nephew, David and I'm going to return the masks. 
Fraser: Then we both seek the same thing. 
Eirc: maybe I could help you. David left a trail, left a lot of tracks behind him. 
Fraser: Good.. so we understand each other. 
Eric: So this is where you sleep 
Fraser: Well.. yes..you're welcome to stay 
Eric: It's a bit cramped. 
Fraser: It's not that bad once you get used to it. 
Eric: You've changed Mountie. 
Fraser: I've changed? 
Eric [goes to fire escape] I'll be comfortable out here. 
[ Girl throws a ball at Fraser who is asleep in his bed...waking him] 
Eric: Finally, I thought you were going to sleep all day. 
Fraser: It's six in the morning.. what are they doing here? 
Eric: Cooking. 
Fraser: Did you invite them? 
Eric: They're my family I could hardly keep them away. 
Fraser: Ah... Victoria, Albert.. It's been quite a long time. 
Victoria: Hello Fraser, Are you all right? 
Fraser: Yes I'm quite fine thank you. 
Victoria: Oh. 
Albert: I brought a TV I hope you don't mind we don't want to miss our programs. 
Fraser: No please, make yourselves at home 
Albert: Chicago doesn't seem to have a very good selection. 
Fraser: I was unaware of that. 
Victoria: We're just happy to be here Fraser. 
Fraser: And why are you here? 
Victoria: We were worried about David and I've always wondered about the architecture here. 
Fraser: Ah 
Albert: Have you found him? 
Fraser: No but we are looking. 
Albert: Well you've wasted half the day 
Victoria: Breakfast? 
Fraser: No thank you I'm already quite full.. 
Eric: Let's go.... 
Fraser: Eric I have to confess to feeling a little bit of embarrassment regarding my incompetence as a host. I'm not to mention some real concerns about over crowding 
Eric: I guess none of us figured on the apartment being so small, good thing Sarah and Patty didn't come those two couldn't pack light if their house was on fire. 
Fraser: Right...Well... Let's call Ray. [opening the apartment door] 
Sarah: We left our shoes in the hall. [there are a LOT of shoes in the hallway] 
[Outside the apartment] 
Eric: I'm sure they will be fine. Thanks for leaving them the guide book. 
Fraser: Ray, this is Eric from the Territories, he's here to help us look for David and his friend and he may be able to offer some assistance in finding the masks 
Vecchio: Hey Eric... 
Eric: David rented a car in Chicago using a stolen credit card 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, I know this place it's on the south side... Fraser there's black smoke coming out of your apartment.. 
Fraser: Not to worry. Let's go. 
Vecchio: Not to worry? 
Fraser: It's a cooking fire, Ray It's completely harmless. Believe it or not there is an entire family of Tsimshian living up there. 
Vecchio: Yeah what are they trying to elect, the pope?.... Let's see what we've got here... 'Belisima's' no... no... too expensive, I don't want her thinking I'm trying to impress her which I am but we don't want her to think that. 
Fraser: Ray, pedestrian. 
Vecchio: Where? ...Oh... Thanks 
Fraser: Who's the she you refer to? 
Vecchio: St. Laraunt. 
Fraser: States Attorney St. Laraunt? 
Vecchio: Yeah, I'm taking her out to dinner Saturday night. Eric could you hold the wheel for me? Oh Balardies' .. nah... I go there to often.. If it doesn't work out I wont be able to go back there for a couple of weeks. 
Fraser: What do you mean if it doesn't work out. 
Vecchio: Oh you know it is with women. When they tell you nothing fancy, pick me up at 8, dress casual, what they really mean is you'd better do it up first class and break the bank at every turn or they're going to fit you with goat's horms. You know what I'm saying? 
Eric: Remind me to ask you later. 
Fraser: I have no idea what he's talking about .... 
Vecchio: Hey Benny do me a favor, you pick one out. 
Fraser: Crabs and Things. 
Vecchio: Would you give that to Eric please. 
Eric: Hey how about the Loose Moose. 
Vecchio: Give me that. You guys no nothing about wining and dining women. Eric, hold the wheel. 
[Car Rental Shop: There is a youth behind the counter, Ray flashes his badge.] 
Youth: Cops. Cool. 
Vecchio: Look I need you to look up the rental that was made using this credit card number. 
Youth [looking on computer]: Here we go .. oh yeah.. I remember this guy.. Indian .. medium height... dark hair, rented a white mid size... very polite... Canadian driver's license. 
Vecchio: You got a Chicago address? 
Youth: Err... the real one or the one he gave me? 
Vecchio: You want to expand on that? 
Youth: Well.. I'm pretty sure the one he gave me was made up but when he pulled out his credit card there was a receipt from a rooming house so I put both the addresses into the computer. 
Ray [to Fraser]: Sneaky.. I like that. 
Fraser: Excuse me if the information he gave you regarding his address was false would it not follow that the info he gave you vis:a:vis his intention to pay for the car or to return said vehicle would also be false? 
Vecchio: Give us the second address. 
[ large area of concrete on which is a stripped car] 
Vecchio: 845 Dearness St. Lying little clerk... Well your pal David's sitting somewhere laughing at us right about now...we're never going to find him... 
Eric: Let's have a look 
Vecchio: It's been stripped. 
Fraser: On the contrary Ray, you just have to know what to look for... hamburger. 
[Dief whines] 
Fraser [Tossing hamburger to Dief]: Oh all right. 
Eric: Special sauce... McDonalds.. his favorite. 
Vecchio: Really cause I was hoping this trail of evidence would lead us to Wendy's. 
Eric: Fraser Look. 
Fraser: Ah yes excellent preservation. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: You don't see it? 
Vecchio: No what? What is it? 
Eric: A footprint. 
Vecchio: Well how do you know it's his? 
Eric: Mukluked feet leave and odd indentation 
Fraser: Not as odd as a Rez runner. 
Eric: No those are tough but you know with a pair of mufflers his size, his weight, the wear on the soles, his knees are slightly bowed since birth... 
Vecchio: Oh come on there must be a hundred footprints here.. you mean to tell me there's not one car stripper in this neighborhood with bowed knees? 
Fraser: Ray, Please the man knows what he is doing. 
Eric: Special sauce. It's him. 
Vecchio: I don't believe this we're tracking a happy meal. 
[Duchamp sat watching smoking in car.] 
[On the street] 
Vecchio: Let me guess... french fries? 
Fraser: No.[ Fraser stops walking Eric carries on and then turns back] 
Eric: Yes, of course, I would've missed it.. you're still sharp Fraser.[Fraser looks smug, knowing that Eric missed it on purpose] 
Vecchio: So what is it? Apple pie, Chicken McNuggets? 
Fraser [Smugness spread all over his face]: David ditched the car, doubled back, then he went inside, Eric missed it. 
Vecchio: Why is this my life? Mounties, wolves, Tsimshian? 
[In the apartment block] 
Janitor: Second on the right. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly 
Vecchio: All right beat it... I hope this doesn't take to long I've got reservations to make. Police! Open up!. 
Eric: Do we need a warrant? 
Fraser: I'll let him explain it to you. 
[Ray kicks in the door.] 
Fraser: You see none required. 
Eric: David was here. 
Vecchio: Yeah the kid travels light. 
Fraser: The second boy from David's village? 
Eric: Joshua Springer. 
Fraser: Joshua Springer... Doesn't eat much does he? [Points to the one plate that has been washed up.] 
Eric: Apparently. 
[Ray finds a loose floor tile in the bathroom... under it is the masks] 
Vecchio: Hey Fraser, Look what I've found. [hands masks to Eric] That was easy. 
Fraser: Yes very. 
[museum] 
Curator: I'm sure you must be feeling very conflicted at the moment. But I want you to know that because of your efforts thousands of people are going to be able to share in the beauty of those masks. Thank you. 
Eric: Will they pay? 
Curator: What admission? Yes of course....three fifty. Why? 
Eric: Oh, just doing some math. 
Kelly: This is very exciting I'll call Ottawa. 
Thatcher: I've already taken care of that. 
Kelly: The newspapers should be told. 
Thatcher: Already done. 
Dechamp: And the French government? 
Thatcher: I'll leave that to you. 
Dechamp: Thank you. 
Vecchio: How do you know? 
Fraser: I just know. 
Vecchio: Yes but how? 
Fraser: Well how does anyone know anything, Ray... you just... you know. 
Thatcher: Good work Constable. 
Fraser: I hope so sir. Sir regarding the masks is the curator quite satisfied? 
Thatcher: Yes. 
Fraser: And Mrs. Kelly and Ms Dechamp? 
Thatcher: Absolutely. 
Fraser: And yourself sir? 
Thatcher: I don't want to hear this do I? 
Vecchio: No Constable Fraser believes it was too easy. 
Thatcher: Ah he does. 
Fraser: Well yes sir...and I believe that if we were to bring in a native expert, someone who was impartial... 
Thatcher: There are no impartial natives when it comes to these masks Fraser. Why don't I suggest a more constructive use of your time ... sell these.. 
Fraser: Tickets? 
Thatcher: For the opening night gala. You have a table to sell... get cracking. 
Fraser: Yes Sir 
Vecchio: How much? 
Fraser: $100 a ticket 
Vecchio: Wow. 
Eric: Party huh? 
Vecchio: Black tie... a hundred a plate. 
Eric: plus three fifty admission... [adding up the profits] 
[In Riv outside Fraser's apartment...White smoke is now pouring out of the window] 
Vecchio: Ah looks like we got a pope. 
Eric: We're late...we'd better hurry, there'll be a line up... 
Vecchio: A line up? 
Fraser: A sweat lodge Ray. 
Vecchio: There's a sweat lodge in your apartment? 
Fraser: Yes! [Walking up to his apartment]: Mrs. Garcia. Miss Krezfapolov 
Albert: Did you find David? 
Fraser: No. 
Albert: Did you find the masks? 
Eric: Yes 
Fraser: No. 
Albert: Times up. 
Mr. Mustafi: [coming out of the sweat lodge]: Hey Fraser! Love your guests. Can I borrow this later? 
Albert: Of course. 
Vecchio: They built a sauna in your living room. 
Fraser: A sweat lodge Ray. 
Vecchio: Like there's a difference. 
Fraser: Oh yes...a sauna eases tired muscles. The purpose of a sweat is for spiritual purification. 
Vecchio: Well there's no way I'm getting purified. I'm not going to take my clothes off and sit in 100 degrees surrounded by other people sweating. 
Patty: Sarah's gone in with Albert and I need a partner. 
Vecchio: Okay, so where do I change? 
[Eric and Fraser in the sweat lodge] 
Eric: I remember you almost fainted the first time I brought you into one of these. 
Fraser: I was 1ten. 
Eric: You were scrawny then. 
Fraser: I still am. 
Eric: But you can still move fast. [referring to on the museum roof] 
[Fraser's vision. There is a man dancing with the masks. The masks get smashed] 
Vecchio: You guys finished Patty and I are waiting to sweat. 
[Outside walking towards the Riv.] 
Vecchio: You robbed me of a very important spiritual moment back there Fraser. 
Fraser: I saw Eric in a vision, Ray 
Vecchio: No what you saw was a dancing man and a big black bird where I come from that is not called a vision. 
Fraser: The bird is the raven, the raven is the trickster, the trickster came to return the masks to the Tsimshian people. 
Vecchio: Raven's do not break into museums. 
Fraser: No they don't, but Eric did. Eric is the trickster, what he discovered was the masks were fake, he knew if he led me to the fakes I would in turn lead him to the real ones. 
Vecchio: So that's what we're doing? 
Fraser: Yes, it's all part of his plan. 
Vecchio: Great, so now we're playing his game and you're tracking by vision. 
Fraser: Yes 
Vecchio: Normally this would be cause for concern but seeing we don't have any hard evidence or any real clues, dreaming some up might not be such a bad idea. 
Fraser: Well we at least have this much, Ray, if the masks he took are fakes, tnen someone must have stolen the real ones and replaced them. 
Vecchio: Well that would require a forger. 
Fraser: Yes it would.... Do you know any forgers? 
Vecchio: Yeah 
Fraser: Can we go and talk to them? 
Vecchio: Sure.... would you like to do that now? 
Fraser: Preferably. 
[The stairs of a really dingy building.] 
Fraser: This was your friends only suggestion? 
Vecchio: This is Chicago, Fraser. Not a lot of call for forgers who carve in volcanic rock. 
Fraser: The door is ajar. 
Vecchio: Yeah... Not a good sign. 
[There is a dead guy on the floor of the room behind the 'ajar' door.] 
[A person gets away through an open window, Fraser follows, Ray retraces his steps] 
[Outside they apprehend the fleeing person....] 
Vecchio: Freeze. 
Fraser: Ms Duchamp? 
Duchamp: I didn't kill him. 
Vecchio: Tell it to the judge... excuez-moi. You have the right to remain silent, anything you do say will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you can not afford an attorney one will be appointed to you free of charge...[David is watching from behind a building] 
[Interview room at the 27th] 
Duchamp: Thousands of dollars of art are stolen every year and finds its way into private collections but for every dollar stolen there's ten forgeries hanging in galleries all over the world. Even experts at the Louvre have purchased such fakes. Can I smoke? 
Vecchio: No 
Fraser: And what about the masks? 
Duchamp.: All I can tell you is this: When I left Paris the French half of the masks was very and definitely real. 
Vecchio: So what's with all the cloak and dagger stuff? 
Duchamp: When I...er..saw a that constable Fraser was working with the Tsimshian I felt it was in my government's best interest to find out were allegiances rested. 
Fraser: Allegiance is based on trust You don't appear to be a very trusting person, Ms Duchamp. 
Duchamp: Appearances can be deceptive. 
Vecchio: Oh let's cut through the bull. You killed the forger. 
Duchamp: I did not. I did not kill him. 
Vecchio: No you just dropped by to take his pulse. 
Elaine [Sticking her head round the door]: Vecchio...[Ray goes with Elaine] Ballistics. The bullet that killed him was a 45, hers was a 9mm. No match. 
Vecchio: Time of death? 
Elaine: Between noon and one. 
Vecchio: Hey Benny...[Fraser joins them] 
Vecchio: She didn't kill him. 
Fraser: I know... Look out. [He spies Louise approaching] 
Louise: You have a French citizen with diplomatic immunity in there being interviewed and I have a very angry French official in my office. Now tell me, what do those two things mean to you. 
Vecchio: Just another opportunity to see your lovely face Louise. [hands her the file] She's all yours. 
Louise: Thank you ... What's the catch? 
Vecchio: Oh Louise, I'm hurt. 
Louise: Just wait till tomorrow night.. 
Vecchio: Hey Benny... How did you know.. Okay so if it wasn't her then who was it... no, no, no don't tell me...The curator? 
Fraser: No. He may be guilty of forgery and switching the masks but he's not a killer. 
Vecchio: David, he's an activist. 
Fraser: He's a thief not a killer. 
Vecchio: Well ...Eric... no he was in the sweat lodge with us... there's nobody else. 
Fraser: Well actually there is. 
[museum, Kelly is with the curator] 
Kelly: Change of plan I'm leaving tonight. 
[Ray and Fraser in the Riv.] 
Vecchio: The Canadian? The Canadian is the killer? On that's so unCanadian... 
[Back to the museum] 
Kelly: This time tomorrow we'll be rich. 
[hey walk out of the museum and David is there.] 
David: You have something that doesn't belong to you...[Shot is fired, Fraser and Ray arrive at the museum run to the scene] 
Vecchio: Police Freeze... [To the curator] hands behind your head [They all chase Kelly into the museum 
Ray : Stop... You don't want to hurt anybody. 
Fraser: I believe she already has. 
Kelly: Quiet. 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Kelly: Get the case please... over there. 
Fraser: I'm afraid those masks don't belong to you. Do they Eric? [Eric comes out of the shadows] 
Eric: I'm glad you agree. 
Vecchio: What about the other guy. 
Fraser: There was no other guy, there was no Joshua Springer was there? 
Eric: No. 
Fraser: No.. there was only you and David. 
Eric: Right. 
Kelly: Those are my masks. 
Eric: Maybe you haven't changed. 
Fraser: No I haven't. 
Eric [in Tsimshian to David]: "Give me the gun" 
David [in Tsimshian to Eric]: No. 
Eric [in Tsimshian to David] : The gun [David throws the gun to Eric] 
Fraser: Good now we all know where we stand. 
Vecchio: Drop the gun Eric or I'm going to have to shoot you.... 
Eric: I think you've got your hands full American. 
Fraser: Give me the gun I'll return the masks and perhaps the governments involved won't prosecute. 
Eric: I think that's highly unlikely. 
Fraser: All right let's explore another option, you kill me, you take the masks and you escape. 
Eric: Now that's a plan too. I shot a caribou once. The next time I looked he turned into a man. 
Fraser: You saved my life I was grateful. 
Eric: And now. 
Fraser: And now you may have to shoot me. 
Eric:[In Tshimshian to David] Run now. [In English]You win Mountie. [Eric follows after David] 
Ray : Both hands behind your head. 
[Fraser looks at the two cases which contained the masks one has masks in but two are gone..] 
[outside] 
Vecchio: Let me guess Eric's disappeared. 
Fraser: He does seem to have a knack for that. 
Vecchio: Yeah so I noticed. Well.. at least you've got your masks back. 
Fraser: Yes it would seem that everything's where it should be. 
[Fraser's office] 
Thatcher: Well I'm off. 
Fraser: Well good, you're off. 
Thatcher: Ah have you written your report yet? 
Fraser: It'll be on you desk in the morning Sir. 
Thatcher: Thank you. I er... 
Fraser: Yes sir... 
Thatcher: Nothing... You won't be mentioning anything outside the case, will you? 
Fraser: Excuse me? 
Thatcher: In your report. Will anything of a personal nature about anyone be making it into your report? 
Fraser: A personal nature, Sir? 
Thatcher: Don't be coy, Fraser. 
Fraser: I'm not trying to be Sir. 
Thatcher: You know damn well I had communication with the curator outside of office hours. 
Fraser: Well no actually I..I.. wasn't aware that...I mean... 
Thatcher: Look I had one perfectly innocent lunch with a criminal. All right. One lunch and one dinner... and a couple of drinks ...I think... 
Fraser: Ah. 
Thatcher: Never mind, do what you will. 
Fraser: Sir. 
Thatcher: What? 
Fraser: Quite honestly I have no idea what you are talking about. 
Thatcher: Oh good..... Thank you. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
[Dief whines] 
Fraser [To Dief]: What? 
[Dief whines] 
Fraser [To Dief]: Oh please.... 
[Fraser's apartment Ray and Louise are in the sweat lodge [the camera is outside the sweat lodge] 
Louise: Well I have to hand it to you, Ray, you really know how to show a girl a good time, different but good. 
Vecchio: Hey that's me and just wait until you've tried this. 
Louise: Oh Ray 
[Tshimshian Party outside somewhere they are all wearing black tie. The masks are seen in the foreground. Champagne flows] 
Everyone: To the masks. 

End of Mask
 
 
 
 
 
 

Juliet is Bleeding

[A bar somewhere in Chicago. Some thugs come in and start smashing the place up. 
Thug: Move, Move. 
Bartender: Hey what the hell are you doing... we're protected. 
Thug: Not any more. This is from the Dorio Brothers. 
Bartender: What are you crazy? This is Frank Zuko's place. 
Thug: Tell Frank Zuko, he's out of business as of now. 
[They leave and get into a car. The guy in the back hands a gift wrapped parcel to the guy in the front. The guy is Micheal.] 
Guy in back of car: Michael... Present. 
[The Riv rolls up in front of a restaurant, we can hear voices from inside it.] 
Huey: You can't afford this. Let me stop you embarrassing yourself. 
Vecchio: Eat your heart out, Jack. 
Louis: Everything's on you..the whole check? 
Vecchio: This is a significant raise, my friend. 
Louis: Yeah, I remember mine. 
Huey: Golden arches here we come. 
Vecchio: Hey, let me tell you something, this is the best restaurant in the world. They got a puttanesca like no other and the wine cellar. 
Huey: Wine cellar? You see this man? Last time he got a promotion he bought us a case of generic beer... 
Louis: And we had to give him five cents for every bottle we didn't return. 
Vecchio: Well this time it's first class all the way, my friend. 
Louis: Well I'm going to have the Calimari [squid] after that the stracciatella [a soup]. Followed by the Mostaoccioli Primavera. Then I'm going to have-- 
Fraser: Ray, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly does a Detective first grade make? 
Vecchio: Thirty five thousand, five hundred and eighty dollars. 
Fraser: And what did you make before that? 
Vecchio: Thirty three five. 
Fraser: The average cost of an entree? 
Vecchio: Oh fifteen bucks. 
Fraser: And the wine? 
Vecchio: I don't know, say twenty dollars a bottle. Why? 
Fraser: Oh, nothing, nothing. 
Louis: And after the expresso I'm going to top it off with a chocolate tartufo [truffles...no, not the candy and probably made from the white truffles, which makes it around $30.00 a bite] no I think I'll have two. 
Huey: I think I'll have the same, three maybe. 
Vecchio: How much? 
Fraser: I think I'm going to have the soup. 
Vecchio: You're a good man...[Dief whines] Who invited him? 
Fraser: You did. 
Vecchio: To stay in the car. 
Fraser: Oh well then I misunderstood. I just thought it being a very special occasion and that Diefenbaker being in part responsible for your -- 
Vecchio: Responsible, he tagged along. 
Fraser: He's been looking forward to this. He hasn't eaten all day. 
Vecchio: Fraser, they don't have wolf portions on the menu [Dief whines] All right. I'll bring you a doggy bag. [Dief whines] 
Fraser: I'm just having the soup. 
[In the Restaurant] 
Vecchio: Thank you, we have a reservation. 
Huey: Happy Birthday Frank, what is this? 
Louis: Zuko. This is going to be good. 
Pat: Hey, Ray, how're you doing buddy, look I tried to call you. It's a private party. 
Vecchio: What are you saying, Pat, you're kicking me out? 
Louis: These guys hate each other, Pat, didn't you think of that before you made the reservation? 
Pat: It's Frankie Zuko's birthday what am I going to tell him... No? 
Fraser: The man does have a point, Ray. 
Vecchio: You know the rules of the neighborhood. You cater for both sides and you don't play favorites. 
Pat: But Ray, come on... 
Vecchio: How you say, I walk in there and I see if I can find a valid carry permit for every gun in the house? 
Pat: You trying to get me killed? 
Vecchio: No Pat, I'm just trying to get a table.[walks across to Franks table.] Hey Frankie, good to see you. 
Zuko: Ray, what brings you to Pat's on a night like this? 
Vecchio: A reservation. 
Zuko: What no gift? 
Vecchio: Look Frank, all I want is my table right? 
Zuko: Pat get him a table. 
Pat: Jimmy, set up 27. 
Vecchio: Hey come on Pat, look, 27's the side room. 
Zuko: Ray, you want to sit on my lap? 
Vecchio: No thanks Frank, your cheap cologne's giving me a head ache from here. [Irene and Ray give each other meaningful looks.] 
[Ray and party at table next to kitchen. Zuko at his table whispers to Charlie] 
Vecchio: What do you want, Charlie? 
Charlie: Mr. Zuko wants to say hello. To the Mountie. 
Vecchio: What he can't wait? 
Louis: We're never going to eat. We're never going to eat. 
[Fraser goes over to Zuko] 
Zuko: Ah Fraser?, right? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Zuko: I'm glad you can be here for my birthday. It looks like the scars have healed pretty nicely. 
Fraser: I beg your pardon. 
Zuko: I mean, I'm sorry. You know, sometimes the boys can get a little carried away, blood on the tracks. 
Fraser: I have no idea what you are talking about. 
Zuko: All right. come here, I want you to meet some people. hey Jimmy, come over here I want you to meet somebody. My loyal friend, Jimmy Roast Beef, Constable Fraser. 
Jimmy: How're you doin'? Good to meet you. 
Fraser: Likewise Mr. Roast Beef, is that your given name? 
Jimmy: Yeah sure. 
Zuko: Hey where you been? 
Michael: Sorry, Frank, just keepin an eye on things. 
Zuko: Keepin an eye on things, drive me crazy keepin an eye on things. Let me introduce you to somebody, this is my good friend and business associate Michael Serento, Constable Fraser. 
Fraser: My pleasure. 
Michael: How're you doin? 
Zuko: Michael! You shouldn't have [Michael hands Zuko a gift which he opens: it's a box of cigars] My favorites. Constable? 
Fraser: No thank you I don't smoke. 
Zuko: You're loss. Jimmy? Michael. 
Michael: Thank you. 
[The Bar, Ray is behind it looking for something] 
Irene: What's the matter, can't you say hello. 
Vecchio: Hi. 
Irene: Irene. 
Vecchio: Yeah I know, I know. 
Irene: What are you looking for? 
Vecchio: I got it. 
Irene: It doesn't look like you got it. 
Vecchio: I got it. 
Irene: What are you looking for? How's your Mom? 
Vecchio: Oh uh, she's good. How's what's his name? 
Irene: Actually we err we split up. 
Vecchio: Oh. It's about time. No what I mean to say is I'm sorry. 
Irene: Yeah well I'm not, it's good to be home. 
Vecchio: Frank's house? 
Irene: My father left it to both of us. 
Vecchio: I'll try to remember that. [remembers what he went behind the bar for] Four...[gets wine glasses] So... uh ... how's the kids? 
Irene: They're good... You were always so good with kids. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well what can I say I'm one hell of a catch. 
Irene: Yeah too bad you can't dance. 
[a waiter brings Dief a salad in the alley] 
[Zuko's Table] 
Michael: Those guys down the west side maybe more of a problem than we thought. 
Zuko: Punks! I never heard of them. Nobody's ever heard of them. 
Michael: Yeah you'd better tell them that' cause they busted up another one of the places tonight, bad. Frank you can't sit on this any longer, people are starting to talk. Maybe we got a problem we can't handle. 
Zuko: Michael. Let me handle the Dorio Brothers all right? I don't want to hear anything more about it you're going to spoil the party. It'll keep. 
[Ray's Table] 
Vecchio: You see this? [holds up his badge to a passing waiter] This comes with a gun. Now do we get dessert? 
Louis: Good one Ray. 
Huey: Forget it I'll go. 
Louis: Get me an expresso while you're at it. 
Fraser: Maybe we should go somewhere else for coffee. 
Vecchio: We get the side room, he gets the whole joint. He drinks hundred dollar bottles of wine, and we get spit. He still runs this neighborhood. Boy what wouldn't I give to go another round with him. 
Fraser: Perhaps we should just skip coffee altogether and go bowling. 
Vecchio: Ah what the heck, I'm going to go shake his peaches.. 
Zuko[shouts]: How about a song for my birthday. 
Fraser: Shake his peaches? 
Louis: Yeah the part where we break chairs over their heads. 
Fraser: Ah. 
[Mrs. Zuko's table.] 
Vecchio: Excuse me Mrs. Zuko, may I say how lovely you look this evening? [then to Irene] Would you like to dance? 
Irene: With you? 
Vecchio: No with the man in the moon. 
Irene:[Looks across at Frankie] Okay. [On the dance floor] You always did like to take chances 
Vecchio: And you always looked good in blue velvet. [Ray's eyes are riveted to Frankie's] 
Irene: Who are you dancing with him or me? 
Vecchio: What do you mean? 
Irene: You know what I mean. I can't do this 
Vecchio: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey... come on..... You're beautiful 
Irene: Thank you. [He kisses her] 
Michael: Irene, your brother would like you to cut the cake. 
Vecchio: Yeah well tell him to cut it himself. 
Zuko[shouts]: Irene *now*. 
Irene: Why don't you just go Ray? 
Michael: Perhaps you should leave. 
Vecchio: Hey I can leave on my own... 
Michael: Pig [and that's when Ray hits him] 
Zuko: Okay, no guns. Get in there. 
[everyone joins in] 
Woman 1: Look I broke my nail. I paid 15 dollars for these nails. 
Woman 2: 15 dollars? Where? 
Fraser [takes a knife from Michael]: Excuse me, I believe that is an unfair advantage. [Fight continues while Dief sits at a table eating] 
[In Welsh's Office everyone is shouting at once] 
Welsh: Enough, enough, *enough*. Constable? 
Fraser: Mr. Zuko's sister was involved, Leftenent. 
Vecchio: Oh great. 
Fraser: But Mr. Serento did start the altercation. 
Vecchio: What did I say? 
Fraser: Although Detective Vecchio did provide ample-- 
Vecchio: Didn't I tell you to shut up? 
Fraser: Yes you did Ray. 
Welsh: Mr. Serento charges that Detective Vecchio punched him in the face causing serious bodily harm. 
Vecchio: It was a love tap. 
Fraser: That's not entirely true. 
Vecchio: All right so I belted him but he pushed me first. 
Fraser: Well that much is true. 
Welsh: Thank you. 
Louis: That's exactly how it happened. 
Huey: Absolutely 
Welsh: All right, shut up. Mr. Zuko's pressing charges. 
Huey and Vecchio: What?! 
Louis: Son of a bitch. 
Vecchio: Charges for what? 
Welsh: Harassment, assault, trespassing 
Vecchio: In Pat Scarpelli's place? 
Welsh: Real charges the kind that come with F.O.P. lawyers, suspensions for misconduct not to mention civil suits that could threaten your career. 
Huey: It was all his fault, sir. 
Louis: We just came in to eat. 
Welsh: You two are on report, go see the duty sergeant on your way out. Not you Vecchio. How come every other cop in this station can sit in Scarpelli's side by side with the Zuko's of this neighborhood without breaking up the place. 
Vecchio: You need an answer? 
Welsh: The sister. 
Vecchio: Look Lou, this is my business, this is private. 
Welsh: I know, but when you went into Scarpelli's place breaking heads you made it my business. Now tell me straight out. Go to Zuko, bury the hatchet. End this thing.... all right a weeks suspension without pay. You can leave your shield. 
Fraser: What about me Sir? 
Welsh: Oh you can go too. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Sir. 
[Outside the station] 
Louis: What a night! 
Huey: I think it was worth it to see the big man go down. 
Vecchio: Yeah you could here his teeth pop. 
Huey: Which reminds me one gold filling you owe me. 
Vecchio: I owe you? 
Huey: Yeah you owe me. 
Louis: I'm starving let's go eat. 
Vecchio: How can you still be hungry, you ate through half my raise. 
Louis: What can I say, fast metabolism. 
Vecchio: All right Olympo's. 
Louis: Keys. 
Vecchio: For what? 
Louis: I'm gonna take the car for a spin. 
Vecchio: Hahaha I don't think so. 
Louis: Relax my coats in your front seat. 
Vecchio: All right, here catch. 
Louis: Order me pig's in a blanket. 
Vecchio: All right. 
Fraser: Ah Ray would you order me pigs in a blanket too. 
Vecchio: You don't even know what they are. 
Fraser: They sound yummy. 
Vecchio: What did he leave in my car. 
Huey: I have no idea. 
Fraser: Louis! 
[Inside the restuarant] 
Vecchio: Hey Mario what's up? 
Fraser: Louis. Louis! Louis! 
[The Riv blows up as Louis opens the door] 
Huey[Running on to scene]: Louis! We've got to get him out of there, we've got to get him out of there, we've got to get him out of there, we've got to get him out.[Fraser and Ray restrain him] 
Vecchio: It's over, man, it's over. 
[At the Station] 
O'Neil: If it was a bomb and they haven't collected up the pieces yet. 
Vecchio: It was Zuko, he meant to hit me. 
O'Neil: Right in front of the station house. 
Vecchio: Look he hit the Cadaro brothers in their own bedroom. It was a pipe bomb, the kids were in the next room. 
Huey: Who's in charge of these. 
Guy in charge of them: I got it. 
Huey: This is sloppy work! 
Guy in charge of them: Back off!! 
Huey: You break a seal you tamper with evidence, he's an idiot. He's going to destroy evidence. 
Welsh: Go downstairs. 
Huey: He's an idiot. 
Bomb Expert: Each one of there has a signature. A distinctive way in which a bomb is made. To us it's like a finger print, sometimes you get lucky enough a piece of this survives the blow 
Fraser: And double knots at either end? 
Expert: Yeah. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: It's a signature. 
[Interview room] 
Bomb builder: I've got nothing to do with Frank Zuko 
Vecchio: You helped take out the Cadaro Brothers 
Huey: You went to gaol for him. 
Bomb builder: ten years ago. 
Vecchio: And now you're out lucky for you 
Bomb Builder: I want to talk to a lawyer. 
Vecchio: I'm sure Frankie will be happy to supply you with one, all right lock him up and then call his lawyer. 
[Back in the Squad room] 
Vecchio: You got a warrant? 
Officer: 30 seconds. 
Fraser: Ray, the plastic coating on the wire is barely melted. 
Vecchio: So? 
Fraser: Aluminum nitrate fuel burns at over 2000 degrees Celsius with a burn rate of 4243 metres a second. It would have incinerated. 
Vecchio: But it didn't. 
Fraser: Look nitric acid leaves a yellow discoloration on the skin, now did anyone check his hands? 
Vecchio: Saddle up. 
[Zuko's house, Frank is on the phone.] 
Zuko: Look there's 50 of them right here, all over the street. There tearing up the lawn, they're rippin up the house, and they're terrorizing the kids. ... Well I'll tell you what I want. What I want is for you to get your 300 dollar an hour butt over here and get these people out now.[Hangs up] 
Charlie : It's in order. 
Zuko: What are you? A lawyer? 
Vecchio: Get the computers. 
Irene: What's this about? 
Vecchio: Why don't you ask him. 
Irene: Frank? 
Zuko: Stay upstairs.. 
Bomb disposal officer: We've found a device. 
Michael: I couldn't stop him Frank, they've dug up the whole damn back yard. 
Bomb disposal officer: The detonators were under the floor boards in the tool shed. 
Zuko: The tool shed? 
Bomb disposal officer: Cyclamate, won't initiate without electricity. 
Welsh: Okay, cuff him. 
Zuko: You did this you planted this crap in my back yard. 
Vecchio: You killed a cop, you think you were going to get away with this, let me tell you, pal, this isn't a set up, pal. 
Welsh: Get out of here. 
Zuko: This is a set up you call a lawyer and you have him meet me down town. 
Charlie: Get the car. 
[Out side the house] 
Fraser: You're arresting him? 
Vecchio: We got everything we need. 
Fraser: Ray it's not logical. The detonators in his own house 10 metres from his daughters bedroom window. 
Vecchio: It's more consideration that he gave the Cararo brother's kids, they're dead. 
Fraser: The box was found in the shed, anyone could have planted it there. 
Vecchio: Maybe. 
Fraser: Ray, think. Zuko constructs a bomb on his own. Plants it under your car in front of the police station. 
Huey: Come on Fraser, Frank's a psycho, everybody knows that. 
Fraser: The man I saw on that street was not Frank Zuko. 
Vecchio: Look you pay anybody enough money and they'll do anything and Frank's got plenty of it. 
Fraser: What about his alibi? 
Vecchio: He was home. 
Fraser: Witnesses? 
Vecchio: None. 
Fraser: None... Ray, please, think this through. Zuko kills somebody and he does *not* arrange for an alibi. 
Vecchio: Who the hell do you think died out here huh? So you got a wire that should be melted but it's not. You got an absence of finger stains, you got Zuko without an alibi when he should have one. All right maybe someone planted those detonators and maybe they didn't. All I know is we've got a dead cop, a friend and we got the guy who did it. Do you follow me? 
Fraser: Yes I think I do. 
Vecchio: Good. 
[27th. Welsh, Elaine, Huey morn. Ray sits in uniform at his desk. Elaine brings him a cup of coffee] 
[The funeral: Ray, Fraser, Welsh, Huey + two others, all in uniform, carry the coffin, the flag which is over the coffin is given to (presumably) Louis's parents, There is a 21-gun salute] 
[A diner] 
Charlie: You want to help Frank Zuko? 
Fraser: No, I have no interest in seeing Mr. Zuko anywhere other than in prison. 
Charlie: So how can I help you constable. 
Fraser: A police officer, a friend has been killed and I would like to see the killer brought to justice. 
Charlie: Agreed dead cops are bad for business, even Frankie boy knows that. 
Fraser: And yet every piece of evidence points to him. 
Charlie: This bothers you? 
Fraser: Yes it does, if it means the real killer of Louis Gardino goes free. 
Charlie: What a piece of work. You've got Zuko in the ringer and you don't want to pull the handle and you call yourself a cop. 
Fraser: What I would like for Mr. Zuko and what the law dictates are two different things and right now that difference is the only thing that's keeping him alive. 
Charlie: You're renewing my faith. 
Fraser: Well I'm glad. Now someone has gone to a lot of trouble to help the police. That would presume a motive. 
Charlie: To bring Frank down. Find me somebody who doesn't have one. He's not like his father. 
Fraser: Very few of us are. And yet you stayed, you protect him. 
Charlie: Out of respect for his father. 
Fraser: And now? 
Charlie: Look I'm 56 years old and my arches have fallen. I don't run too good. The young guys have me winded before I'm down the front stoop. You've got to know when to get up before somebody gives you a push. 
Fraser: Is somebody pushing you? 
Charlie: Young men have ambitions but ..umm.... Frank's troubles are Frank's troubles, he's going to have to get someone else to watch after him now. I wish him luck... [To Dief] Hey want to come to Florida with me? 
[Irene's bedroom.... She pulls down the curtains that surround her four poster. There is a noise at the window she goes to look] 
Vecchio: Sorry. 
Irene: Damn it. 
Vecchio: I'm sorry. 
Irene: What the hell are you doing? You scared me to death 
Vecchio: The signal I thought you'd remember. 
Irene: That was 15 years ago.. Are you insane? Get in... get in... I got you[She helps him through the window.] 
Vecchio: Okay pull. 
Irene: Shh shh shh 
Vecchio: Okay. 
Irene: Shh Shh oh my gosh... 
Vecchio: O God, O God. 
Irene: Ohmigod. 
Vecchio: You know that vine's dead you should have someone cut it down. 
Irene: I know my father tried twice, but it grew back. You look like hell. 
Vecchio: Uh thanks. 
Irene: That cop who died huh? Oh you're so cold.. let me warm you up, come here, come here, come here, come here. 
Vecchio: It's only snowing outside. 
Irene: I know come here [she wraps him in the thick curtain she pulled down earlier] 
Vecchio: Oh wow yeah I remember these, I always like these, You're the only girl I ever knew who slept in a tent. [referrring to the curtains around the bed] 
Irene: And that was information you shouldn't have had. 
Vecchio: Well I never told a soul. 
Irene: Yeah right... outside of the basketball team maybe. 
Vecchio: I swear I never told anyone. 
[Fraser is out side going house to house] 
Fraser: Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing that you have rather a good view of the house across the street. 
[Irene's room] 
Irene: So this is really stupid of you, coming up here you know that? 
Vecchio: That's what I do best. 
Irene: Frank is going to get crazy. 
Vecchio: Yeah well let him 
Irene: You know what, go home. 
Vecchio: What, what? The little prince is goin-- 
Irene: Don't talk, don't talk about him like that in his own house Okay? 
Vecchio: I thought it was your house too. 
Irene: Yes it is. 
Vecchio: Yeah but that doesn't matter right? Cause nothing changes. You're just as scared of him as you were of your old man. 
Irene: The way I deal with my family is none of your business. 
Vecchio: Yeah and they keep going round killing people and I've got to keep turning the other cheek just because I'm in love with you? 
Irene: No, no, no... You'd be going after him even if it weren't for me. You to have been going at each other since you were kids. 
Vecchio: Your brother is a murder, Irene, you know that, you've always known that. 
Irene: He did not kill that cop. He was in this house. You know it 
Vecchio: So what? 
Irene: What that makes no difference to you? 
Vecchio: My friend is dead. 
Irene: He didn't do it. He's my brother Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm sorry, look, I'm sorry. I didn't come here to get into this with you. 
Irene: What did you come for then? 
Vecchio: I came for you. I love you. I've always loved you. 
Irene: This is never going to end, this is never going to end you're going to end up killing each other first. 
[Fraser is in cigar shop and has American dollars] 
[Interview room] 
Eddie the Lawyer: I'm trying to get you into county but I'm not getting much co operation. 
Zuko: Of course you're not getting much co operation, I'm surrounded by a hundred cops who all want me dead. [Fraser enters] It's Okay. Your friend come to his senses yet? 
Fraser: No I'm afraid not. 
Eddie the Lawyer: Frank you don't have to -- 
Zuko: Eddie, do me a favor, go make yourself useful Okay? [Fraser produces a box of cigars] My favorites, good memory Constable. 
Fraser: I like to study people's habits. For example, this is your brand, hand rolled to your specification. 
Zuko: Yes it is. 
Fraser: And before smoking it you cut off the tip. Like this. Now our friend the bomb maker, he also has his habits. He tells me he likes to use an articulated set of wire snipers. Now I found these in his room, so I assume he is telling the truth. There, you see? It's a very straight cut, very easy to attach to a detonator. Now he has other habits. He likes to tie double knots at either end if his wire. So we can assume this is his work. This was found at the bomb site. However, this wire was cut using a different implement so either our bomb maker has changed his habit or[Fraser cuts the wire with the cigar cutter] well now isn't that strange especially for a bomb maker who doesn't smoke. 
Zuko: I like your thinking. What's the point? 
Fraser: Your humador tells me he doesn't sell very many of these, they're too expensive. In fact, you are apparently his only customer for this type, and you give most of them away as gifts. The police didn't plant the detonator caps in your back yard, whoever cut this wire did. 
Zuko: Who? 
Fraser: I can't imagine, can you? 
Zuko: Yes I can, the Dorio Brothers. 
Fraser: Are they on your list? 
Zuko: Not that one! 
Fraser: Well then you have a problem, perhaps it is somebody closer to you. Someone who is on the list? 
Zuko: Who Charlie? 
Fraser: No no his arches have fallen. 
Zuko: Are you trying to turn me against my own people. People who are loyal to me huh? You cop? You Mountie. 
Eddie the Lawyer: Well Frank, let's go, someone just did you a big favor. 
[In the bullpen] 
Vecchio: What's up. 
Huey: The Mountie, he's in there with Zuko and the States Attorney. 
Vecchio: Where do you think you're going? 
Louise[coming out of Welsh's office]: His alibi has been confirmed. 
Welsh: The kid saw him. 
Huey: What? 
Zuko: Thanks again Constable. See ya later, Ray. 
Vecchio: You're helping Zuko? Is this what you call justice? 
Fraser: He didn't kill Louis. 
Huey: And what do you base that on-- mud? You licked off his boots?... Answer me! 
Louise: Don't push this off on him, you didn't even canvas the neighborhood. What were you thinking, no one would? 
Vecchio: So that's it he walks? 
Louise: Oh we'll get him on conspiracy. His phone's tapped and we have a surveillance truck on his house 24 hours a day. 
Vecchio: That could take weeks. 
Welsh: Right, Vecchio, Huey, in my office... come on... don't push it. 
Ray [to Fraser]: What is it with you, man? You've got to know when to hold the line. You gotta know when to work the rule. [Ray walks away from him, all the cops in bullpen snear at him as he leaves] 
[Diner] 
Fraser: Good evening, gentlemen. 
Michael: You must be lost. 
Fraser: What makes you say that? 
Michael: Intuition. Is this your guard dog? 
Fraser: He's a wolf actually. 
Michael[to Dief]: Hi Buddy. 
[Dief growls] 
Fraser: I have a present for you from Mr. Zuko. [Hands him a cigar cutter] 
Michael: I already have one. 
Fraser: Yes, well, he thinks yours may be damaged, you know these really shouldn't be used for cutting wire. Good night. 
Michael: You and Frank been spending time together? 
Fraser: Not anymore no. He's been released. 
Michael: Frank's out? 
Fraser: Yes an hour ago and I have a feeling he'll be looking for you. [Fraser leaves and a phone rings in the back ground] 
Bartender (to Michael): For you. 
[Ray and Huey are in a truck on surveillance(of Zuko's house). The scene cuts into Zuko's house] 
Zuko(on phone): Right I want you to find him *now*. [Hangs up the phone] Where is he? 
Charlie: Out keepin an eye on things. 
Zuko: Don't get smart with me, Charlie, I need you now... Irene where are you going? 
[Irene is leaving with a packed bag] 
Irene: I'm going to see a movie Frank. 
Zuko: No, no movie. Where's the movie, Toledo? 
Irene: Frank, something is going on here and I just don't want any part of it. 
Zuko: No you stay. 
Charlie: Let me take her to a hotel. 
Zuko: Look she's not going to a hotel, she's running off to see her boyfriend, isn't that right. 
Irene: Frank, I just want to get out, Okay? 
Zuko: Out of your own house? 
Irene: This is not my house, Frank, no way is this is not my housefull of guns and full of fear and full of hate. You stay Frank, you've earned it and you keep it. 
Zuko: No you're not going to humiliate me like that. You're not going to run off and leave this house and climb into his bed. I'm not going to have it I won't have it. 
Irene: Frank get out of my way. 
Zuko: I will kill you first. 
[Irene slaps him and Frank slaps her back before Charlie can restrain him. Irene runs back up the stairs.] 
Zuko: Don't you ever hit me. 
Irene: Go ahead Frank. 
Zuko: I'll kill you. 
Irene: Just go ahead. 
[In the surveillance truck Ray has over heard all of this and leaves the truck to get Irene. Fraser intercepts him and throws him against the back of the truck] 
Fraser: Ray, wait. 
Vecchio: Get out of my way. 
Fraser: Ray, listen to me, you are not thinking and a police officer who doesn't think is dangerous. 
Vecchio: I know where you stand. 
Fraser: No you don't. You are so full of hate, all you can see is Zuko. That's all you've been able to see right from the beginning. But do you hate him enough to let the real killer walk free as a consequence? 
Vecchio: Let go of me. 
Fraser: Ray please. Do you honestly believe by jailing him, you won't have to feel guilty any more? 
Vecchio: Get your hands off me. 
Huey: Vecchio, Zuko's got company. Michael Serento. 
Vecchio: All right. I'm going in after her you call for back up. 
[In Zuko's house] 
Zuko: The coffee bar was you and the warehouse fire and Gardino. 
Michael: Our business it's a big responsibility, needs a strong hand you know that Frank. 
Zuko: I should kill you right here.[Ray runs into the house] What the hell is that? No, no you get out. What are you doing? [Zuko gets a gun] 
Irene: I can handle him Ray. 
Vecchio: That's what that cut on your face says. Let's go. 
Zuko: Take your hands off my sister.[Zuko is pointing a gun at Ray] 
Vecchio: Frank, don't be stupid. 
Zuko: You're not getting out of this house with my sister. 
Irene: For God's sake Frank.. no. 
Vecchio: I tell you what, let's take it outside. 
Zuko: I'll tell you what, how about you get out of here before I kill you. 
Vecchio: Okay, okay. 
Irene: No.. [Shots are fired.. Fraser and Huey rush in, Fraser grabs Zuko, Huey grabs Michael.] 
Fraser: Drop it. 
Huey: Drop it... back.. 
Ray[Seeing that Irene has been shot]: Oh God, oh my god, OH MY GOD [Ray picks Irene up] 
Zuko: Irene wait... No! 
Vecchio: Call an ambulance. 
Irene: You never listen. Promise it ends here. 
Vecchio: Th It does. 
Irene: Promise me, promise me it does.. 
[The Hospital] 
Huey: How is she? 
Vecchio: She didn't make it. 
Huey: Before you say anything, we can still nail Zuko. 
Vecchio: It was an accident 
Huey: All you've got to do is say he shot her with intent and you got him for murder. 
Vecchio: It was an accident, man, it was an accident. 
[We see a door, through the door there is a lot of people from the press] 
Fraser: I don't think you want to go in there. [leads him away from press and sits him down] 
Vecchio: You know the first time I ever danced with her was in PE class. She kept trying to lead. I finally had to ask her to relax, that it would be Okay, just put your head on my shoulder and close your eyes. Everything's going to be okay. 
[Screen fades to black] 

End of Juliet Is Bleeding
 
 
 
 
 
 

One Good Man 
aka Thank You Kindly, Mr. Capra 

[Fraser's apartment building] 
Fraser: I'd like to congratulate all of you. You've done a wonderful job. 
Mustafi: I told you. A little dusting, a little painting, the whole building good as new. 
Fraser: Right you are. 
Vecchio: It's dirty. 
Fraser: Yes, I know, Ray, but I'm trying to encourage them. 
Klein: Tasteful, huh? 
Fraser: Yes it is, Mr. Klein. I'm sure that Mr. Taylor will appreciate it. 
Vecchio: Appreciate what, rat-infested wall covering? 
Fraser: Ray! 
Vecchio: The basement is flooded, the roof is leaking, and the floorboards are rotted out. Who's the rocket scientist who convinced them to redecorate?. . . Of course. 
Fraser: Well I convinced them, Ray, that we would show the new landlord that he made a very wise investment not just in the building but in the tenants themselves. 
Vecchio: And did you check him out? 
Fraser: Well of course, Ray. I met him at the laundromat, which he owns along with a string of 27 other cleaning establishments. I complimented him on his 25-cent all-you-can-dry policy. We fell to talking. He seems very sincere. He's meeting with Mr. Potter this afternoon to conclude the sale - for cash, isn't it, Dennis? 
Dennis: The full asking price. 
Vecchio: Yeah, Potter must be thrilled. The old weasel hasn't spent more than $1.98 on this place since you moved in. 
Dennis: Hey, I object to my employer being characterized in such a fashion. 
Vecchio: Being a fellow rodent, I expected you would. 
[outside] 
Vecchio: This whole neighborhood is a slum. Cleaning up one building is like dropping a good apple in a barrel full of bad ones. You can't win. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 
Vecchio: Your grandmother teach you that? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: If you think Taylor's going to be an improvement, you got another think coming. . . Wow! 
Fraser: Mr. Taylor. It's good to see you. 
Taylor: Ben, how are you? 
Fraser: I'm very well, thank you. If you'd care to join us inside? This is my friend, Detective Raymond Vecchio. 
Vecchio: '66 T-bird? '72 Riviera. 
Taylor: A Riv? Mint? 
Vecchio: Uh, was. I've gone through a couple of them recently. 
Fraser: They were blown up. 
Vecchio: You don't happen to know where I might - ? 
Taylor: I'll keep an eye out for you. 
Fraser: Well, shall we?. . . [to Ray] Nice guy. 
[inside] 
Man in elevator: Going up? 
Taylor: I thought this was junk. 
Man: Hey, you watch how you talk about somebody's home. 
Fraser: I took the liberty of having it repaired. 
Taylor: Well done. 
Man: Sorry, maximum of three allowed. . . Third floor. 
Taylor: Congratulate me, Constable. I've just made an excellent investment. 
[cheers and applause] 
Dennis: Allow me to add my congratulations. 
Fraser: Thank you, Dennis. 
Dennis: And this. . . 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. . . There must be some mistake. 
Dennis: Nope. Taylor hired me to stay on as Super, and I never make mistakes. 
Vecchio: So he's going to raise the rent? 
Fraser: Yes. One thousand dollars per month per unit. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: He can't do that, can he? 
Vecchio: No, not if you have a lease. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: You do have a lease, don't you?. . . I'm going to take that as a 'no'. 
[Al's garage] 
Fraser: I told them not to pay the increase, Ray. It's unfair, and if it's not illegal it's at the very least unethical. 
Vecchio: Good. So when do you move? 
Fraser: No, we're not moving. We're going to exercise our rights. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to exercise mine. . . Bubbles, Al. If you let the paint dry too fast you get bubbles. So what we have here is either the work of someone who lacks a keen appreciation for a good finish or someone who has a bad eye for bubbles. 
Al: Fine. Two bubbles? I'll knock off a point. 
Vecchio: Hey, you got to do better than that. 
Fraser: They can't afford an increase, Ray. 
Vecchio: So move. 
Fraser: No. We're not moving. 
Vecchio: Look, you and I know you got to turn this baby over, Al. 
Al: Ray, you're beating me up here. I'm bleeding all over the floor. 
Fraser: I got them into this, Ray. 
Vecchio: No, what you did was you helped them clean up that hellhole. If they want any more help than that, you tell them to call '60 Minutes.' 
Fraser: Every person has a right to a roof over their head. 
Vecchio: Yeah, as long as they can pay the rent. . . What is that? Is that rust, Al? Do I see rust there? 
Al: That's primer. 
Vecchio: Yeah, and if I was wearing a dress, I'd be a woman. 
Fraser: Ohh, dear. . . 
Vecchio: Ohh, dear. What do we have here? Oh, yeah, will you look at that, huh? Huh? What do you say now, Al? 
Al: Okay, I'll drop off 500, but that's it. 
Fraser: That would make the final price, umm. . . Oh, well, how much can a frame be worth anyway? 
Vecchio: Frame? 
Fraser: Yes. It's spot-welded. It is quite excellent work. Except for the slight contour on the brazing here, you really wouldn't know that this car had been severed in half. I'm sure there's still a lot of it that is salvageable. . . 
Vecchio: So, Al, what do you have to say for yourself before I bring you downtown? 
Al: Ray, he's your cousin. 
Vecchio: He's twice removed. 
Angie: Still driving that same old hunk of junk, huh? 
Vecchio: Ange? 
Angie: Don't let me interrupt. Just a woman with a dead Mustang. Hey, Al, try to remember to put the oil cap back on, okay? 
Al: Sure, Angie. 
Angie: See ya. 
[outside] 
Fraser: Perhaps you're not ready to replace your old car. 
Vecchio: . . . She's a friend. 
Fraser: I see. 
Vecchio: And it's none of your business. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[City Hall] 
Vecchio: City Hall. Are you crazy? 
Fraser: They have a responsibility to protect the rights of all urban dwellers. 
Vecchio: Fraser, how many of those mutants who live in your building do you think actually vote? 
Fraser: Ray, City Hall has a responsibility to govern and protect all of its citizens whether they vote or not. It is called a social contract. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well, maybe in Canada there's an igloo for every Eskimo and a seal in every pot, but here in America, if it doesn't get votes, it's dog meat. 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Clerk: Make it good. 
Vecchio: We have a complaint. 
Fraser: No, we don't. 
Clerk: Which is it? 
Fraser: We have an injustice. 
Clerk: Injustice is down the hall. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: Look, Benny, if you want some help you're going to have to register a dispute. 
Fraser: You sure? 
Vecchio: Yes. That's what they do here. They handle disputes. 
Fraser: I won't be making a fuss? 
Vecchio: Well of course you will. That's the whole point. 
Fraser: Ahh. . . I don't have to raise my voice, do I? 
Vecchio: Look, there's no polite way to dispute. You just jump right in there. 
Fraser: I see. 
Vecchio: Okay. 
Fraser: Okay. 
Vecchio: Let's go. 
Fraser: I demand. . . Well, no, I don't. I- I respectfully request, um. . . Well, no, actually, just speaking strictly for myself, I- Ray? 
Vecchio: We have a slumlord who's trying to illegally evict a whole building full of poor people. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Clerk: Well, if that's the best you can do. . . Fill this out. Take it upstairs to Room 232. You'll need a buck for processing. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Fraser's apartment building] 
Fraser: Well, it's not as bleak as it seems. 
Man: Did you get our rent lowered? 
Fraser: No. 
Mrs. Garcia: A new landlord? 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid not. 
Mustafi: Anything? 
Fraser: Well, not exactly, but I do think it's time for us to retain legal counsel. 
Voices: We can't afford a lawyer. . . It's too expensive. . . You got us into this. . . He's got a point. 
Fraser: I realize that, but I firmly believe. . . [accepts note from Dennis] Thank you. 
Dennis: I'd read it first. 
Mustafi: What? More rent? 
Fraser: No. We are hereby notified that payment is past due and with service of this notice our occupancy of these premises has been terminated. 
Man: What does that mean? 
Fraser: It means we've been evicted. 
[outside Chicago Guardian building] 
Vecchio: She's not going to help you. This is small potatoes and she's a big journalist. 
Fraser: Well, she was very helpful the last time, as I recall. 
Vecchio: Well last time she thought you were a fraud. Fraud sells newspapers. Do-gooders do not. 
Fraser: You know, Ray, I think you're underestimating her. Everyone loves an underdog. 
Vecchio: Yeah, everybody's not Mackenzie King. I'll wait. 
Fraser: There's no need. 
Vecchio: You'll be back in 30 seconds. 
Fraser: I'll be fine. 
Vecchio: All right. 
Car salesman: Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a test drive. 
Vecchio: Just keep your shirt on, pal. 
[Warren's office] 
King: Bagels, Warren. Not muffins, not cheese Danish. Just a plain honest-to-God water bagel. 
Warren: You know, Mackenzie, there are reporters in Korea who would thank their boss for bringing them a rice-coated water beetle - 
King: Well, sweetie, I would eat a beetle for you any day. . . on a bagel! 
Fraser: Ahem. 
King: Well, now, here is a man who knows how to save a damsel in distress. You know what a bagel looks like, don't you, Fraser? 
Fraser: Uh, yes, I am acquainted with them. . . Diefenbaker!. . . I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Knoop, he's rude. 
Warren: Are you kidding? I was just about to offer him a job. 
Fraser: Miss King, would you accompany me to lunch? 
King [to Warren]: Forget the bagel. 
Warren: Excuse me? Excuse me? Do I pay you to take Mounties out to lunch? I don't think so. I think I pay you to sit at that desk, work the phones, and come up with stories that sell papers. Am I making myself clear? 
King [to Fraser]: Excuse me a minute, please? 
Fraser: Yes. 
King: Thanks. 
[raised voice behind closed door] 
King: I'm ready now. 
Fraser: Ah. All right. 
King: Thanks. 
[demonstration outside office building] 
Voices: No, no, no! We won't go!. . . No, no, no! Taylor's got to go! 
King: This is what I'm going to win a Pulitzer Prize for? Laurel, Hardy, and the cast of 'Mother Courage'? 
Fraser: They're a small group, but they're very dedicated. 
King: They're pathetic, Fraser. 
Fraser: Yes, but in a good way. Another bagel? 
King: Uh! 
Fraser [to Mrs. Krezjapalov]: Where are the others? 
Krezjapalov: I caught Mr. Cooper sneaking off with his bags packed. Some of the others, too. I had to drag the rest of them here. 
Fraser: Thank you. . . Mr. Taylor, I've been trying to reach you. 
Taylor: Constable, good to see you. Is this really necessary? 
Fraser: Well, yes. You see, apparently there has been a misunderstanding wherein you raised the rent beyond the capacity of the tenants to pay it. And apparently the Superintendent is trying to have them evicted. 
Taylor: The building isn't rent-controlled, is it? 
Fraser: Well, no. 
Taylor: And they were given the full five days allowable by law to meet the rent increase? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Taylor: Is it illegal for a businessman to make a profit on an investment? 
Fraser: You're taking away these people's homes. 
Taylor: You told me you wanted to improve your neighborhood. Last week I purchased four tenements on your block. Two of them were condemned. The other two should have been. I'm going to replace them with condominiums and when I'm through, your neighborhood is going to be one of the finest in downtown Chicago. 
Fraser: You intend to demolish the entire block. 
Taylor: Six blocks. 
Fraser: What about the tenants? 
Taylor: Anybody who can afford the new buildings is welcome. 
Fraser: But they can't. 
Taylor: I know. Fraser, who do you think is putting the garbage in your halls to begin with?. . . Miss King, how are things at the Guardian? I haven't read my stockholder's report lately. 
King: Don't tell me. You're the guy who voted out the free bagel delivery, right? 
Taylor: It's a pleasure. 
King: I'm sure. . . [to Fraser] John Taylor? I should call Warren now. He's going to fire me. 
Fraser: You think our chances are slim? 
King: Do you see this building? Donald Trump couldn't afford it. You are one man in a red suit. 
Fraser: Yes. I see what you mean. 
King: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. You watch a lot of movies growing up in Oopik or wherever you come from? 
Fraser: Some. 
King: 'It's a Wonderful Life,' right? 
Fraser: Yes, actually. Thirty-two times. 
King: Huh? 
Fraser: It was the Reverend's favorite film. Well, that and 'The Passion of Joan of Arc'. 
King: No, you see, that's why movies are dangerous, Fraser. They take young minds and twist them into believing things like courage and hope and one man can make a difference. This may come as a shock to you and the Reverend, but real life is not a Frank Capra movie. Real life is money and bank accounts and politicians. People who pretend it's not end up out here in the streets with people like them. . . Are you listening? 
Fraser: Not really, no. 
King: You're a bad influence on me, Bento. . . [to demonstrators] No smiling. . . What's the matter, doesn't anybody limp? 
[Taylor's office] 
Taylor: Dennis, do you know the story of the three bears? 
Dennis: The three bears? 
Taylor: They went out picketing and left their homes unattended. Someone came along and shut off their heat. . . cut off their electricity. . . backed up their plumbing. . . changed all the locks. 
Dennis: Goldilocks? 
Taylor: It's an analogy. 
Dennis: Ah. . . It's cold out. 
Taylor: Who would you rather be, Goldilocks or one of the bears? 
[Fraser's apartment building] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Well, come on. . . Don't lollygag. 
Woman on stairs: Good evening, Mr. Fraser. 
Fraser: 'These are the times that try men's souls.' Thomas Paine. He wrote books. 'The Rights of Man', among others. . . Good night. . . Stop stealing the blanket. 
[whine] 
Fraser: You're an Arctic wolf, for God's sake. 
[whine] 
Fraser: You're getting soft. I hope you realize that. 
[disturbance in the hallway] 
Klein: Hey, that's mine. Look, I don't care who you guys are, you can't come in here and break my stuff. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. . . Now perhaps you and your friend could vacate this apartment building. 
Jack: Sorry, no can do. 
Fraser: Do you live here? 
Rushton: We do now. This apartment. I guess somebody forgot to pay his rent. 
[click] 
[Dief snarl] 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
Rushton: Jack, put that away. You're going to scare our new neighbors. 
Thug 3: Hey, is this yours?. . . [crash]. . . Guess you forgot it. 
Rushton: We'll be seeing you, neighbor. 
[in car outside Al's garage] 
Vecchio: Rushton, Hererra, and Goldman. None of them have ties to Taylor. None of them on parole. No outstanding warrants. 
Fraser: What about Mr. Klein's furniture? 
Vecchio: He refused to move it. They had the permission of the landlord. I mean, it's cruel but it's not illegal. 
Fraser: So there's nothing the police can do? 
Vecchio: Well I can bring them in for questioning, give Taylor a warning. But sooner or later, if he wants you out, he's going to throw you out. . . 
Fraser: A friend? 
Vecchio: Yeah. . . She's also my ex-wife. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Vecchio: Why are you in this car with me? 
Fraser: Because you said you'd drive me. 
Vecchio: Oh, no, I didn't. 
Fraser: Oh, yes, you did. 
Vecchio: Well, I've changed my mind. 
Fraser: Ah, well. . . 
Vecchio: What are you do- ? Just shut the door, will you?! Okay, shut the door! 
[Fraser's apartment building - shouts from upstairs] 
King: You want to get in on the action here? We got a deadline. 
Mustafi: No! No lockouts here. See? Right here in the pamphlet. No lockouts permitted by law. 
Rushton: This ain't no lockout. You people got rats in these apartments. You gotta wait for the exterminators. 
Woman: You put these rats in here! I saw you! 
Dennis: No, no, no. This is all legal. Mr. Taylor says everything happening here is legal. 
Fraser: Mr. Taylor lies. 
Mustafi: They come into our apartments and said we broke the plumbing and wrecked everything. It's not true. Most of the things, they were wrecked when we came in. 
Mrs. Garcia: He broke my window and he said I did it. 
Voices: Yeah. . . Yes. . . Yes. . . 
Dennis: What are you doing?. . . Hey, don't, don't. . . 
King: All right, all right, now we're talking. 
[fight] 
King: Aim for his head next time. I could use the blood. 
[woman's scream] 
Voices: It's going to fall!. . . The cable's been cut!. . . They jammed the door! 
Fraser: Call the fire department! 
Woman: Open it! Open it!. . . [to child] Go with him, go with him! 
King [to child]: You're okay. 
Fraser: It's all right. 
King: Excuse me, excuse me, folks. . . Fraser! 
[outside] 
Vecchio: I spoke with Taylor. He claims he never heard of Rushton or the other two. Said the Super must have put them up to it. 
Fraser: No. Dennis is stupid but he's not that stupid. 
King: Well, Taylor isn't, either. We're not going to have any convenient check stubs to tie him to this. 
Fraser: Mr. Mustafi, look, it's all right. They're not going to be back. 
Mustafi: Tonight maybe. What about tomorrow? Am I supposed to sit in my apartment and wait for somebody to try to kill me? 
Fraser: If you leave now, you will lose your home. The best thing we can do is stand here and fight. 
Mustafi: You fight. . . I'm not like you. 
Man: Some things you can fix. Some things maybe you shouldn't try. 
[Potter's home] 
Fraser: I appreciate your seeing me, Mr. Potter. 
Potter: You want something. 
Fraser: Yes, sir, I do. My neighbors, your former tenants, they're being evicted from their homes. It would appear that Mr. Taylor has been less than honest about his intentions. 
Potter: How disappointing. 
Fraser: Well, yes, it is. He intends to demolish the building. The entire block, in fact. 
Potter: And this gives you pause, huh? You're beginning to wonder if you did the right thing. 
Fraser: No, sir. 
Potter: Nonsense. You saw glory. The little people rising up, throwing off the yoke of tyranny. The people don't like to succeed, Fraser. It's a lot of responsibility. Think of it. You tell a man he's going to die, he can accept that. You've given him a certainty. And you ask that same man to take a gamble, to risk everything he has, even if the prize is the Fountain of Youth itself, he'd sooner roll over in the ditch than take that chance. 
Fraser: Not every man. 
Potter: No, no, no. Some men are just plain dense, like you. 
Fraser: Sir, I would like you to buy the building back from Mr. Taylor. 
Potter: You would? 
Fraser: Yes, I would, sir. 
Potter: And waste money on lawyer's fees? Don't be stupid. I made a handsome profit on that sale. As for the building, it's a dump not worth the land it's standing on. If I hadn't found me a buyer, I'd have razed it myself just to save the taxes. You can leave now. . . Throw another log on before you go. It's cold in here. 
Fraser: Yes, I would imagine it is. 
Potter: Get out! 
[climbing up building] 
Fraser: Ray, do you think I expect too much from people? 
Vecchio: Well, take our climbing up the side of this building, for example. 
Fraser: Okay. 
Vecchio: Is the building on fire? 
Fraser: Uh, no. 
Vecchio: Is there a helpless person trapped up on the roof? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Is there a hostage to rescue? 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware of, no. 
Vecchio: Then we're climbing this building because. . .? 
Fraser: Oh, I see. Because I expect too much from people. 
Vecchio: Exactly. 
Fraser: Well, that and the fact that the doors to the Council Chambers were closed until after question period, this seemed the only way we could gain access. 
Vecchio: Fraser! Fraser! 
Fraser: Oh, sorry. Here. . . You all right? 
Vecchio: Yeah, no problem. 
[Council Chambers] 
Chairwoman Farrell: That concludes the scheduled agenda for this meeting. We'll now proceed to open the floor for question period. Will anyone who wishes to address the Council please form a line to the left of the podium and wait to be recognized by the Chair? 
Vecchio: How did you get in? 
King: I opened the back door. 
[background] Council Clerk: Will the first speaker please state your name? 
Fraser: Ah. 
King: Listen, I spoke to the chairwoman. She said no go. It turns out Taylor has legal building permits, legal demolition permits, and I suspect he's greased some pretty significant palms. Sorry. 
[background] Speaker 1: . . . We are under attack by an enemy so insidious that if we don't act immediately, we risk everything. All the work that we do as a community, all the time we. . . 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Vecchio: Oh, no. 
Speaker 1: . . . put in to make it safe, is now in grave danger. It's a threat, I tell you. A threat to every man, woman, and child living in the greater Chicago area. Certainly there are those who will scoff, who will jeer. But they are urban dwellers. They have yet to experience the scourge of the suburbs. The green death. The blight we call crabgrass. 
Vecchio: Time's up, buddy. 
Speaker 1: Excuse me. According to Parliamentary Law, I have the floor. 
Vecchio: You have the floor? 
Speaker 1: Yes. I have the floor. 
Fraser: He's right, Ray, he does have the floor. 
Vecchio: Now he has the floor. 
Fraser: You kicked him. 
Vecchio: No, I didn't. 
Fraser: The man is unconscious. 
Vecchio: He's resting. 
Farrell: The Chair recognizes. . .? 
Vecchio: Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Fraser: No, I'm not. I mean, not now. At least, not officially. I mean, ordinarily, yes, I am a Mounted Policeman, but I'm not here in any official capacity. 
Farrell: May I ask why you are here? 
Fraser: Oh, yes, Mr. Chair- . . . Madam Chair- . . . Sir. . . Earlier this evening, a man told me that people would prefer their own death rather than risk everything for an ideal, and this is something I find extremely difficult to reconcile. 
Farrell: And you came here because. . .? 
Fraser: I didn't know where else to go. You are the people's elected representatives, and if we can't trust your judgment, who can we trust? 
Farrell: What exactly is your quandary, sir? 
Fraser: My neighbors are being evicted from their homes. A certain businessman, Mr. John Taylor - 
Farrell: Mr. Taylor's development plans are a matter of record, Constable, and if you need further explanation, I suggest that you speak to the City Clerk's office. 
Fraser: I'm well aware of Mr. Taylor's plans, sir. No, my question actually is for you. Why did you approve them? 
Farrell: Do you represent anyone besides yourself, Constable? 
Fraser: Sir? 
Farrell: These other tenants, your neighbors. Where are they tonight? 
Fraser: They are not here tonight. There were unable to attend. 
Farrell: So, you're only here to speak for yourself, and these 50 tenants, for all we know, they may not even exist. 
Fraser: No, I assure you, sir, that really is not the situation. 
[ding] 
Council Clerk: Time. 
Fraser: Excuse me? 
Council Clerk: Time. Time's up. Step down. 
Fraser: I'm sorry, I don't understand. 
Farrell: Each speaker has one minute, Constable, and I'm afraid if you wish to say any more, you'll have to come back tomorrow night. May we have the next speaker, please? 
Speaker 1: Point of order, Madam Chairman. 
Farrell: We'll get to you, sir. 
Fraser: But my question - 
Farrell: I'm afraid those are the rules. 
Council Clerk: Step down, please. 
Fraser: But- but I- I. . . No. 
Council Clerk: Step down, please. 
Fraser: No, I'm afraid I can't do that. 
Speaker 1: This is my minute! You're using my minute! 
Vecchio: Oh, no, no. Your minute was incredibly boring so it was cancelled. 
Farrell: Constable, I'm going to have to insist that you leave the podium. 
Fraser: No. 
Farrell: Excuse me? 
Fraser: With all due respect, sir, I refuse to yield the floor. 
Speaker 1: Point of personal privilege, Madam - 
Vecchio: That man is exhausted. 
Council Clerk: Oh, God. A filibuster! He's going to filibuster. 
Alderman 1: What? 
Alderman 2: He's going to talk us to death. We're going to be here all night. 
Alderman 3: I don't have time for this. I'm a City Councilman, for God's sakes. I have a golf game in the morning. 
Vecchio: You know you're wasting your time. 
Fraser: Possibly. 
Vecchio: The best you're going to get is a bad case of laryngitis. 
Fraser: Probably. 
Vecchio: Lozenges? 
Fraser: Cherry-flavored? 
Vecchio: On my way. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
King: I could have packed the place if he'd waited for the morning edition. 
Vecchio: What about a TV crew? 
King: And lose the exclusive? No. 
Fraser: . . . My grandmother gave me that book for my birthday. . . 
King: 'Do unto thy neighbor. . .' You would have thought at least some of them would have shown. 
Fraser: . . . But my grandmother failed to see how rooting about in the dirt with a toy bulldozer was going to broaden my horizons. I was resentful, naturally, so the next day I took the present and I attempted to feed it to a passing walrus, successfully, I might add. . . 
Alderman 3: Oh, God! 
Alderman 2: At least he didn't start with Geronimo. 
[outside] 
Vecchio: Anybody want to make an easy fifty? All right, how about a hundred? A hundred apiece. All you gotta do is to listen to some Canadian quote an American revolutionary. 
Man: Which revolutionary? 
Vecchio: Like it makes a difference?. . . A hundred dollars. Upstairs. 
[Council Chambers] 
Fraser: . . . For my seventh birthday, I requested a go-kart, but I received a book. On my eighth birthday, I wanted a Johnny Seven, but again I received another book. 
Voice: Enough already!. . . 
Fraser: On my ninth birthday, I wanted a guppy, but again I received another book. And finally by my eleventh birthday, I realized that my toy box contained virtually no toys a'tall. Rather it was lined with some of the most seditious reading material available through mail order. . . 
[outside] 
Vecchio: All right, anybody else? Come on, I got free money here. One hundred bucks to listen to some Canadian quote an American revolutionary. Thank you very much. Upstairs. Council Chambers. 
[lobby outside Council Chambers] 
King [on phone]: No, I haven't been drinking!. . . Look, you got ten minutes to get a camera crew down here or I call WPOV and give them one hell of a scoop. . . You know me, Jack, I wouldn't do that. My word is my bond. . . Fine. . . [makes another call] Hey, Maury, Maury, Maury. Mackenzie King here. Listen, you got ten minutes to get a camera crew down to City Hall or I call Jack over at WZMR and give him one hell of a scoop. . . No, I haven't been drinking! 
[outside] 
Man: You always give money to strangers? 
Vecchio: This is better than money. This is a 1972 Buick Riviera, all that's left of it. 
Man: You should have kept the money. 
[Council Chambers] 
Fraser: . . . That summer. . . [coughs]. . . That summer my grandmother took me swimming. The water had risen to just above freezing, and I clung to her as we waded deeper into the river. I'd never before noticed the burn marks she had on her upper arms and on her shoulders. When I asked her how she'd come by them, she said simply that she had been burned. Later, my father told me the full story. My grandmother was 19 and she was teaching in a small Inuit village when a fire swept through and then surrounded them. Their only means of escape was through a river that had been torn by rapids. Most of the adults died because they were too afraid to brave the water. But my grandmother was supported by an idea, and with this idea she led the children deeper into the river. They clung to her as she held onto the roots of a tree, as it burned above them. The heat was so intense that. . . [coughs]. . . it melted most of her hair and left second degree burns on her upper body. If she had let go, they all would have been swept away. But she didn't let go, and they survived. My grandmother maintained that it was not the river that saved them. Rather, it was an idea. 'The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only that gives everything its value.' Thomas Paine. . . Ahem. . . [coughs]. . . ahem. . . ahem. 
Voices: Keep going, man!. . . Keep it up!. . . Go on!. . . We're with you, Big Red! 
Fraser: Subsequently, I made a concerted effort to work my way through my grandmother's library, although I have to confess that. . . ahem. . . ahem. . . [cough] 
Voices: Come on, Big Red!. . . Hang in there!. . .You can do it, big guy!. . . Let's go, Big Red! 
Farrell: You've got our attention, Constable. Proceed. . . Well, come on, it's either you or old Crabgrass. . . 
[cheers and applause] 
Taylor: You're not fooling anyone. Not one of these people live in my building. 
Vecchio: How would you know? Did you take the time to shake their hands or learn their names? 
Taylor: I have their names. There are files. 
Vecchio: Well, congratulations. I have camera crews, and in these halls, perception is nine-tenths of the law. 
Taylor: I'll win this in court and you know it. . . Oh good, you're here. Give the chairman the list of the tenants' names. 
Dennis: I couldn't find it. 
Taylor: What? 
Dennis: I looked through my files. All I could find was this. 
Vecchio: It's a lease. 
Dennis: Potter gave it to me when he made me Super. Ten years. No increase. It's got four years left to run. 
Vecchio: Well at least you'll have a roof over your head, Dennis. 
Dennis: You know, Detective Vecchio, you could be just a little nicer. If I still got a roof over my head, then so does he and so does everyone who lives there. 
Fraser: . . . And I believe it was Geronimo who said, 'It is my land, my home, my father's land to which I now ask to be allowed to return.'. . . 
Dennis: No one can tear down that building unless I say so. 
Vecchio: You're a good man, Dennis. . . Madam Chairperson, point of order. New evidence has come to light in this case regarding the tenants. 
Taylor: Dennis, you realize you're fired. 
Dennis: Hmm. Stuff it in your ear, Goldilocks. 
Farrell: The City Council hereby suspends Mr. Taylor's development plans until further notice. The eviction orders are revoked. 
Fraser: . . . 'til one greater man restores us and regain- 
King: You can stop now. 
Fraser: Oh. Thank you. 
King: I can't believe I let you do this to me again. 
Fraser: I was, um, kind of surprised myself. 
King: Never again, understand? 
Fraser: Understood. 
King: Good. Okay. 
Fraser: Okay. 
King: Okay. Goodbye. 
Fraser: Oh. Yes. Goodbye. 
King: Goodbye. Th- thanks. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
King: You owe me. 
Fraser: How much? 
King: How much? 
Fraser: How much do I owe you? 
King: Oh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. . . 
Fraser: The woman's completely irrational. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
[Dief whine] 
Fraser: Well, yes, I'm sorry, but we can always get you another one. 
[whine] 
Fraser: Yes, I realize it was your favorite. But some things are worth the sacrifice. [knock at door] [whine] Ingrate. 
Mustafi: We, uh, heard your place was a mess. . . You really should set a better example, you know. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Mustafi [to others]: Come on. . . Painting. . . Dusting. . . Another garbage bag. 
[Al's garage, Ray in Riv - flashback as song begins] 
Song: The way you hurt me / It's a wonder / I'm still here at all / Some day you'll wake up / And you'll find yourself alone. . . 
Vecchio: So what do you think? 
Angie: This is what you spent our savings on? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Angie: Five thousand? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Angie: Uh-huh. 
Vecchio: Well, I bought it for you. 
Angie: Ray, it's a 1972 Buick Riviera. It's the car of your dreams. You bought it for me? 
Vecchio: Yeah. I mean, can't we both have the same dreams? 
Angie: Okay, so when do I get to drive it? 
Vecchio: When do you get to drive it? 
Angie: Yeah. 
Vecchio: Uh. . . 
Angie: When? 
Vecchio: All right, all right. Now. 
Angie: Okay. 
Vecchio: Well, not now now. 
Angie: Oh. Not now now. Maybe like later now. Maybe like never now. Like maybe not-in-your-lifetime now. 
Vecchio: Come on, let's not go there. Come on, give me a kiss. 
Angie: Why? 
Vecchio: 'Cause you like the car. 
Angie: I don't. 
Vecchio: You will. 
Angie: In your dreams. 
[end flashback] 
Al: Ray. 
Vecchio: Yes, Al? 
Al: Well? 
Vecchio: I'll give you a thousand bucks. 
Al: Ray! 
Vecchio: Oh, come on, Al, it's all I got left. Come on. 
Al: Deal. 
Vecchio: And get it washed. 
Song: Lock, stock and teardrops / I'll be gone. [Ray daydreams of his wife and his first Riv] 

End of One Good Man 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Edge 

[outdoors, looks like a woodsy scene, assault team dressed in Bush running through it, view house, they head for it, drill open the lock, remove the door, enter and search. You see Ray is one of the team] 
Fraser: Freeze! 
Assassin: Shoot me and my hand squeezes 3cc's of Lake Michigan into her neck. PCB will cause cancer. The other toxins will cause meningitis, leprosy, dementia and internal hemorrhaging and ultimately very agonizing death. 
Vecchio: Fraser! 
Fraser: Well the threat of leprosy's probably overstated, there's only been 7 known cases in this area- 
Assassin: Back off! 
Vecchio: Any ideas? 
Fraser: If you take a shot he stabs her. If I take a shot he stabs her. 
Anita: [Spanish] 
Assassin: Shut up. 
Fraser: Between the shot and the time it takes to depress the plunger, we have a 1/2 second window of opportunity. Not enough time. 
Anita: [Spanish] Shoot him! 
Fraser: I don't have a shot. 
Vecchio: Neither do I. 
Anita: Shoot him! 
Vecchio: Any other ideas? 
Assassin: The idea is we're gonna move straight ahead together and then we're going to walk out of here. 
Vecchio: Bad idea. 
Bennett: Times up boys. 
Vecchio: Fraser? 
Bennett: Ladies and gentlemen what you have seen is a perfect example of what not to do in a training exercise. If this were a real hostage situation you would have just killed the Secretary of State. Thanks. Thanks agents. I can only hope that the cooperation between our three nations will be more productive at the summit conference. Or god help us all. 
Vecchio: In what manual does it say you bite the assassin. 
Anita: Well I had to do something you weren't going to. 
Vecchio: But you are the hostage. 
Anita: We are the third world country, we aren't suppose to fight back? [Spanish] 
Fraser: That's Spanish explorer. 
Vecchio: That's not what she said. I know what she said. I know what you said and that's not what she said. You did not say Spanish explorer. 
Fraser: Ray-Ray-Ray please. Please please. This entire situation was my fault. 
Anita: The American shot him why is he apologizing? 
Welsh: He's Canadian. 
Thatcher: People enough. It is imperative that the North American Free Trade Summit operates without incident. This conference is a milestone in the relationship between our three countries. It's about cooperation. It's about growth. It's about-- 
Vecchio: Money? 
Welsh: Ah Mr. Bennett 
Bennett: Lt. 
Welsh: Mr. Bennet is the US Trade official in charge of this summit. Uh and I don't believe I've had the pleasure. 
Bennett: Helms, Bush, Casey. 
Vecchio: Secret service. 
Helms: That's need to know Detective. Vecchio. And Washington has received some very scary very believable threats to the safety of the summit. Due to the large crowds of press and demonstrators expected security consideration has become a nightmare. Let me just say noting will interfere with the security and safety of this summit conference. 
Bennett: Special agent Helms will be heading up security. Now our respective countries are all counting on this joint task force to be an example of international cooperation. I trust I can count on you? [Helms, Bush, Casey and Bennett all leave] 
Welsh: Meaning if you screw up we're all toast. 
Vecchio: Look, this could be a problem sir. I don't think we really bonding. Perhaps Fraser and I should be the ones-- 
Welsh: Listen Vecchio, the three of you have less than 72 hours to uh bond. 
Vecchio: That's not enough time sir. 
Welsh: Vecchio, are you familiar with that old Spanish expression "El Gardio del traffico?" 
Vecchio: Understood sir. We will be a well oiled machine by tomorrow. 
Anita: The American shot you. 
Fraser: I don't think he intended to. 
Thatcher: thank you, we clean our own personnel here. 
[in the Riv] 
Vecchio: Look it was a simple mistake. 
Fraser: No it was a miscalculation and I haven't made a miscalculation since.... 
Vecchio: Since when? 
Fraser: Well-since the last time you shot me. I'm just grateful you had the presence of mind to shoot me again. 
Vecchio: Well it wasn't my fault. She jumped the gun. 
Anita: She heard that. 
Vecchio: I know. 
[at phone company] 
Vecchio: Police anybody home? 
LaCroix: [you don't see his face] I.D. 
Fraser: It's Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I'm here on behalf of the uh joint security task force to pick up the telephone security codes for the Trade summit. I believe you were expecting it? 
Lacroix: Your health insurance number. 
Fraser: 555764921. 
LaCroix: Mother's maiden name? 
Fraser: Pincent. 
LaCroix: Code word of the day? 
Fraser: Manatee. 
LaCroix: Sign here please. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
LaCroix: Thank you. 
Vecchio: What's with all this security hocus pocus for a Trade Meeting? 
Anita: Not any trade meeting. Top Nafta representatives. 
Vecchio: Yeah well, in my country nobody knows what Nafta is or cares. 
Fraser: Somebody does apparently enough to -- 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: That security official stamped this document kind of hard. 
Vecchio: Yeah well those phone company boys are tough. 
Fraser: Yeah but it you stamp documents all day long and you do it that hard Ray, you develop tendenitis. So you start to use a rolling motion. 
Vecchio: Come on! 
[they find the phone company guy tied up] 
Anita: Are you alright? Okay. 
[Fraser finds the note LaCroix left behind] 
Helms [reads the note]:"I know what it is to love your home and loose it. I'm loosing mine. Canadian forests are being destroyed to build houses in American. American forests are being destroyed to build houses in Mexico. Trade representatives Sinclair, Franklin and Tedesco have betrayed us. I will wee them die before they are allowed to betray their countries again." Lunatic and you say you don't know this man? 
Fraser: Not to my knowledge, no. 
Helms: He knows you. 
Fraser: It would appear so, yes. 
Helms: yes, it would. 
Bush: You didn't get a look at his face? 
Fraser: The blinds were down the room was dark. 
Casey: the room was dark or your eyes weren't sharp, Constable. 
Fraser: My eyes are just fine, thank you. 
Casey: just not today. 
Fraser: No. 
Casey: You've been working in the law enforcement for sometime haven't you Constable? 
Fraser: For sometime, yes. 
Helms: Is there anything going on either physically or emotionally that could be putting you off your game? 
Fraser: No. 
Bush: did you observe anything about this person, Constable. 
Fraser: I observed many things. His most salient feature was his hands. He spent a lot of time out of doors. He worked with his hands. 
Helms: Somebody walked away with top secret copies of a summit telephone codes right under your nose Constable and the only thing you can recall is perhaps he spent a lot of time out of doors. You weren't on the detail at the Prime Ministers residence last year, were you? 
Fraser: No. 
Helms: Keep in touch. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Fraser: [to Dief] I made a mistake. No. I made two mistakes. Oh boy, they say your muscle tone and reflexes start to go in your early twenties. Of course in your case that would be in your early threes. But we've made up for it haven't we? We have increased knowledge, we have increased skill...yes, eat up we have to go to bed early. 
[Fraser is in bed, dream, you hear a heartbeat. Fraser is sitting facing three chairs. He is in his long red underwear and is holding his pillow close to him] 
12 year old Bush: A burglar got his site on Prime ministers residence, Constable, while the PM was at home and where were you? 
Fraser: In Chicago. 
12 year old Helms: You think it was appropriate for you to be hundreds of miles away in a foreign country when you PM was facing that kind of threat? 
Fraser: Of course not. 
12 year old Casey: Fitness is not just about strength and reflexes. It's about judgement. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
12 year old Bush: I can't hear you! 
Fraser: Yes sir! 
12 year old Helms: Over here Constable. 
Fraser: Yes sir! 
12 year old Bush: eye site, I understand is the first thing to go. 
[they all laugh at him] 
Fraser: Yes sir! [Fraser wakes, Dief whines] Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep. 
[Dief's dream] 
Person: Come on old timer. You're out of here. [he's removed as lead dog from the sled and a very young pup replaces him. 
[airport. Thatcher, Helms and the Mexican Official our in separate areas talking with their staff] 
Thatcher: We'll have our trade representative stay on the plane an extra 5 minutes then we'll meet up with the others, go out the back entrance. No need to tell the Americans or the Mexicans. 
Helms: The American Trade Rep will come out of the hatch second. The guy in the front will be a look-a-like. Our guy will wait 5 minutes then enter the terminal. 
Casey: Don't tell the Mexicans or the Canadians. 
Mexican Official: Our man will stay for 5 more minutes in the plane. The Canadian comes in the back, the American is a double. 
Anita: How do you know this? 
Mexican Official: That's the advantage of being Mexican. They always think we're sleeping, but don't tell the Americans or the Canadians. 
[in the bathroom. LaCroix knocks out a reporter and takes his cameras and cases] 
[Gate: the trade group exits from plane, all the various agents are surrounding them. Fraser scans continually, looking for trouble] 
Bush: Blue Jay is on the gang way. On your toes. 
Vecchio: You see anything? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
[past the reporters] 
Vecchio: Move aside please. Move aside, come on. 
Fraser: [spotting something in the crowd that doesn't strike him as belonging] Gun left. 
Bush: Gun left. 
Vecchio: Everybody down! Down! Down! 
Anita: What happen? 
Vecchio: You see anything? 
Fraser: I don't know. 
[at Fraser's desk. Fraser is addressing envelopes, Ray is helping by calling off the names] 
Vecchio: Bruce Cabot. C-A-B-O-T. Enid Cabot. C-A-B-O-T. Jacques Camdesue C-A-M-D-E-S-S-U-S. Boy we're making a difference in democracy here. 
Anita: [entering room] They called the airport. No one saw a gunman. No one saw anything. Nothing. Nada. Sometimes a camera lens if you look at it from a different angel -- 
Vecchio: He saw his hands. Right? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: He saw a gun. Right? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Read the report. There's the Spanish translation. 
Anita: You believe your friend. How touching. Also very American. 
Vecchio: You know I'm getting a little sick and tired of your disrespect. You are a visitor in this country. 
Anita: Ah. Thank you Vecchio. I had forgotten the Alamo. 
Vecchio: Is that a slam against Davey Crockett? 
Anita: Do you make an effort to be obnoxious or is it just a gift. 
Vecchio: It's just a gift. 
Fraser: He was here. 
Vecchio: Who was here. 
Fraser: The assassin. During the training exercise. He saw me miscalculate. 
Anita: Well he would look for a weak spot. 
Vecchio: Oh come on this place is crawling with swat, you couldn't get within a mile. 
Fraser: He could if he was one of them. My security clearance, it was in with the task force file. 
[the room is getting crowded] 
Helms: Okay, listen up. The psyche boys in Washington has been working overtime. We gotta profile on our man based on his letter. First, he's a woman. 
Anita: What? 
Casey: One of those retro-fifties types. You know, ban the bomb, kiss a whale. Your typical sandal wearing lavender smelling -- 
Bush: --granola crunching, tree hugging-- 
Helms: --subversive. 
Vecchio: Who happens to be armed to the teeth. 
Helms: That's what the profile says. 
Anita: Do you have a list of suspects? 
Helms: The moment we got something definite we'll let you know. 
Bush: You find out if and when. 
Anita: What happened to all of us being in this together? 
Helms: Some of us are in it more than others. Cortez, you and Vecchio take over for Montoya and Bruster on the first floor east wing. You, you stick to your strengths. [Fraser goes back to addressing envelopes, changes mind. Passes the three as they share out gum. Fraser and Dief go onto the grounds looking. Anita is in the file room making copies] 
[woods] 
Robert: Same boots. Army issue 
Fraser: Oh, hi 
Robert: Hi. And these have been resoled with used rubber. Michelin. The man knows his tire. 
Fraser: What kind of man soles his own shoes? 
Robert: A thrifty one. Look at the way he walks. The curl from the ball of his foot to the outside. Light. Careful. Like a predator. He'll be seen when he wants to be seen. 
Fraser: Military training, combat experiences. 
Robert: Indeed. 
Fraser: Is this a dream or are you still dead. 
Robert: Still dead son, thanks for asking. 
[Ray sneaks into the same room as Anita going to do exactly what she's doing] 
Vecchio: And what do you think you're doing in here? 
Anita: Probably the same thing you are. 
Vecchio: Oh I'm here on official business. 
Anita: mmm. Is that why you picked the lock? 
Vecchio: I'm not the one caught red handed. Do you know the contents of that file are government property? 
Anita: What's in this file could help save a Mexican diplomats life. I'm not going to allow him to die over some American need to know power game. 
Vecchio: Then you better be prepared to share. 
Anita: I don't share with people I don't trust. 
Vecchio: Me either. 
Anita: Fine. Make your own copy. 
[she leaves, Ray looks smug] 
[woods] 
Fraser: Our man is one hundred ninety two point five centimeters in height and weighs . . . one hundred and nineteen kilos. 
Robert: And fifty two grams. 
Fraser: You can't possible know that. 
Robert: There's nothing wrong with my eye sight. 
Fraser: There's nothing wrong with mine. 
Robert: You know, this could be the one. 
Fraser: The one what? 
Robert: Your match son. The one that's stronger than you. Faster. Smarter. 
Fraser: Dad. 
Robert: First you see one. Than you start to notice more. Before you know it you're struggling to keep up with em. 
Fraser: Dad. 
Robert: See it as a challenge son. I'd relish the chance. 
Fraser: Completely unstable. 
Robert: Huh? 
Fraser: Nothing. 
Robert: You'd do well to listen you your father, son. 
Fraser: Dad? He comes. He goes. Never a word of warning. 
[that night in Fraser's apartment][in bed] 
Fraser: Oh great -- move over. 
Robert: The eyes are the first to go. You start to miss things that you used to be able to see. Worse still, you start seeing things that aren't there any more. 
Fraser: Well, I'm not seeing you, I'm dreaming you. Would you move your shoulder. 
Robert: Are you asleep? 
Fraser: I'm dead to the world. 
Robert: Are you sure? 
Fraser: I'm a log. 
Robert: You don't look asleep. 
Fraser: Well, I am. So if you wouldn't mind, I really need a decent nights rest. 
Robert: Oh--look out, son. [a dream is coming.] 
[dream. you hear the voices only to start with while Fraser is hanging onto a bush on the side of a steep hill] 
12 year old Helms: Hurry, the prime minister needs you. 
12 year old Casey: Come on, piece of cake. 
12 year old Bush: You used to be able to do it. 
All three of the 12 year old's: Watch out! 
[Fraser slides down the hill into a room. He is laying on the floor, defeated looking] 
12 year old Helms: You lost him. 
12 year old Bush: You failed. 
Fraser: But the Prime Minister-- 
12 year old Helms: Don't worry. His wife saved him. 
12 year old Bush: With an Eskimo statue. 
12 year old Casey: No trip to Disneyland for you , babe. 
12 year old Bush: You lost your edge. You lost your edge, you lost your edge [over and over as Helms 'shoots' Fraser with a plastic gun] 
[Fraser wakes] 
Lacroix: You were dreaming. You know who I am. 
Fraser: You were at the airport. 
LaCroix: I read your file. You and me, we know each other. Don't see how you can sleep in here. 
Fraser: It isn't easy sometimes. 
LaCroix: I tried sleeping inside once. When I cam back. My mothers house. Couldn't get used to it. Woods is better. It blankets you like the night. 
Fraser: My wolf? 
LaCroix: He's a beauty. But he's got a sweet tooth. Candy bar, a couple drops of ether. Should keep him away from junk food. 
Fraser: How long? 
LaCroix: Two tours. 
Fraser: Infantry? 
LaCroix: You a good tracker? 
Fraser: Sometimes. 
LaCroix: It's going quick you know. The cover. It used to be I could hide in the woods fifty clicks, never see a can or candy wrapper. Then it's forty clicks, not it's ten. 
Fraser: Not in these parts. 
LaCroix: No no no not in these parts. They raped these woods along time ago. We got to take em out quick and clean. If we don't they gonna take away every piece of wood, every bush and us. One at a time. Me, you, all of us. But we know-- we been here before. 
Fraser: Who's they? 
LaCroix: Them! The suits. They keep taking it away from us. A man just want to get from one day to the next. One day he's in his own bed then he's in the joint then he's not. The jungle was safer. Man knew what to expect. Listen, you're on the inside. You could do this easier than me. I'll cover you. 
Fraser: I'm charged with protecting these men. 
LaCroix: That's too bad. Cause they're closing in. They gonna get you. Just like they got me. Think about it. 
[Fraser sitting in a straight back chair in a hallway. He looks like a man waiting for sentencing] 
Fraser: [to Dief] Shouldn't you be on guard duty? [Dief whines then wanders off toward the door, going, apparently to guard duty. Fraser calls after him: ] Oh I will bring him in, you can count on that. [Ray comes out of a room] They didn't believe me. 
Vecchio: In a word - No. 
Fraser: They think I miscalculated. 
Vecchio: In a word - Yes. 
Fraser: So they're pursuing their own line of suspects? 
Vecchio: Yeah, the granola lady. They're gonna have every health food store in the country surrounded by five o'clock. 
Fraser: And he'll have a clear shot. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: What times the reception? 
Vecchio: Seven-thirty. 
Fraser: We'd better hurry. 
[in the woods] 
Vecchio: You're sure he's out here? 
Fraser: He's an experienced infantry man and an expert in reconnaissance. He's camped out here somewhere. [LaCroix is feeding his dogs] Shouldn't we invite Ms. Cortez? 
Vecchio: Ah, she's busy. She'll only slow us down. [Fraser heads down a path] No. He knows we're coming after him. If we take that path we're walking into a booby trap. [Ray walks a short ways to one side of the path] 
Fraser: Uh, Ray. I think you should step back. Easy. [a homemade land mine is where Ray would have placed his foot next. Ray retraces his steps and Fraser tosses a rock onto the mine and detonates it] 
Vecchio: Okay, let's take the path. 
Fraser: I think that's a good idea. [Fraser starts out at a normal pace, Ray is walking like he's stepping on a ground full of snakes] Ray, come on. 
Vecchio: Are you kidding me? One false step and I'm an extra in an Indiana Jones movie. 
Fraser: You just have to be aware, keep your eyes open. Ray...Duck. [Ray hits the ground. A duck quacks] Anas platyrhynichos. Very unusual sighting for this time of year. 
Vecchio: Duck. [brushes himself off] Duck. Duck means duck. Duck doesn't mean duck. I hate my life. Whatta ya got? [Fraser is smelling snow] 
Fraser: Coffee. French roast. 
Anita: [who finally caught up to them] At least he's a connoisseur. 
Vecchio: Hey don't be sneaking up on somebody like that. You're gonna get yourself hurt. 
Anita: I can take you out in a second. 
Vecchio: I'll consider that. 
Anita: This where he lives? 
Vecchio: Yeah. He led us here. [they found the camp and a photo of Fraser] 
Fraser: Step back. [Anita and Ray do and a knife goes whizzing by][Fraser rushes after LaCroix who is on skis and pulled by his dogs] 
Anita: Vecchio! 
Vecchio: What? 
Anita: My foot. 
Vecchio: I'm a - 
Anita: Yeah. 
Vecchio: Don't move. 
Anita: Wasn't planning on it. 
[Robert has a dog sled] 
Robert: Come on son, you're losing him. Uh, I suppose it takes some people longer than others to do a days work. Come on boys. 
[Fraser and Dief sit down and watch Robert chase LaCroix. The restrains of a music boxes music can be heard as a puppy runs by] 
[Back to Ray and Anita] 
Vecchio: Home made. Coffee can with gun powder. 
Anita: Dismantle it. 
Vecchio: Look, you don't want to set this thing off, okay? Now give me something flat like a nail file. 
Anita: Here. [hands him a switch blade, he uses it to try to dismantle the bomb] You know, I don't think you know what you're doing. 
Vecchio: You want to wait for somebody else? You know...somedays I hate this job. 
Anita: You know what your problem is? You're spoiled. 
Vecchio: This is not a good time to be insulting me. 
Anita: You know, there's this place outside Mexico City where they dump the trash. People live there and they build shelter's with the garbage, burn it for heat, ate the scraps. And the only people they see that have money are the cops. 
Vecchio: Uh, nothing wrong with taking a job that pays well. Okay, now be very careful. And don't move until I say so. 
Anita: You know the job itself you don't make any money. You make money from [Spanish] and payoffs. 
Vecchio: You know this because? 
Anita: Because I grew up there. You know there is this one cop. His name is El Halcon - The Hawk. He saw everything. And he never once took money from nobody. [Spanish] everybody else was on the take except for him. It was always under his nose and he never ever took money. I wanted to be a cop to be just like him. 
Vecchio: Ready? I've never lost a partner before. On three. Uno - 
Anita: Dos - 
Vecchio: Tres. [she slides very slowly her foot off and he slides very slowly a rock in it's place and they tip toe away. 
Anita: Gracious. 
Vecchio: Don't mention it. [The rock comes off and the bomb explodes] 
[Consulate] 
Vecchio: Look this guy is armed to the teeth, okay? He's got hand grenades, he's got land mines, he's got - 
Casey: Look, we got three suspects on around the clock surveillance. We've got this place sealed up tighter than a drum. 
Bush: Every door, every window every crack is covered. 
Helms: A misquito could not get through. 
Fraser: You have to cancel the event. 
Casey: Are you deluded? 
Fraser: This man is a highly ski8lled soldier. Your government trained him and he will penetrate the guard. 
Casey: It's not an option. 
Helms: Every moment you spend trying to convince us otherwise is taking us off the tasks at hand. I'm taking you off the detail. 
Vecchio: You gotta be kidding me. 
Helms: Hey, if either of you have a problem, you can join him. Put another man on the Canadian trade representative. Parker. He's young, hand me your tag Constable. You'll be escorted off the premises. 
Vecchio: We're coming with you. 
Fraser: That wouldn't be smart. Do your job. 
[At function: cars parking, then inside shot of Consulate, then outside, caterers truck shows up. Fraser is outside. Small talk by guests, Ray and Anita checking and watching. Fraser is now inside as a waiter.] 
Fraser: Agent Helms. 
Helms: You sneaky son of a - 
Fraser: Yes, that's quite true but I got through the security so will he. 
Helms: Either you leave here quietly or I'll have my men drag you out, do you understand? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Guest: I hope things are well in Ottawa. 
Pierce: Oh, they're going very well. 
Bennet: Mr. Pierce I'd like you to meet Mr. Greenway or Portland, Oregon. 
Greenway: Mr. Ambassador. 
Fraser: Will you excuse me? Who's on Pierce? 
Vecchio: Uh, Mexico. 900 Pierce. 
Fraser: On three. 
Vecchio: On three. 
Anita: On three. 
LaCroix: Interesting correspondence from about three months ago, I hope that you got it and had a chance to read it. Yes, I have something for you could look over tonight. [Fraser rushes him and is now a hostage.] everybody freeze! Hold your fire! Don't move a muscle. Now we're gonna walk out of here together. 
Fraser: I don't think they are prepared to just let you walk out of here. 
LaCroix: If you move, I'll shoot him. Lower your guns. Lower-your-guns. 
Fraser: Very little it would seem. Although there was a time I knew everything. I was always right. I was never wrong. Until one day when I was in the woods with my father. We were tracking a killer through the bush. And then suddenly one set of prints became two. Split right. Split left. My father said the killer had gone left and retraced his steps. I said he'd gone right and retraced his steps. 
Vecchio: There he goes again. 
Fraser: As it turned out, there was a third option. 
Lincoln LaCroix: Two killers. 
Fraser: Exactly. So you see I was both right and I was wrong. And you can never lose sight of that distinction because if you do, you beat me. You won't know where or who you are. The enemy is everywhere and everyone. 
Lincoln LaCroix: anything. They know who I am. Jungle the service of this country, now they are taking it away from me. The air, the trees, the water. Take away my home. Take away a man's home. They are taking away my honor. 
Fraser: They aren't taking away your honor, they are taking away your hiding place. If you know who you are, you don't have to hide. 
[everyone is tense, Fraser takes him down] 
Vecchio: You okay? 
Fraser: Yeah, I'm fine. 
Helms: Cuff him! What's your name? What's your name? 
LaCroix: LaCroix. Macon LaCroix. 
Helms: We're traveling. 
[Ray and Anita are standing together. Fraser and Thatcher are standing together] 
Anita: So is it true you never lost a partner? 
Vecchio: Well-uh-no. 
Anita: No. 
Vecchio: Well what I meant was I never lost a partner to a land mine. 
Anita: That's not what you said. 
Vecchio: Well that's what I meant. 
Anita: I can't believe you lied to me. 
Vecchio: Well, technically I didn't lie to you, you see he was hit by a mini van. 
Anita: Oh. 
Vecchio: While I was driving it. 
Anita: Vecchio! [she chases after him] 
Thatcher: You saved the trade representative. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Thatcher: And then you save the assassin? 
Fraser: I'm afraid I did. 
Thatcher: If you think you can use this to buy your way onto the Prime Minister's security detail- 
Fraser: Well that wasn't my personal- 
Thatcher: of course not. I'll see that you receive a commendation. 
Fraser: Well that won't be necessary sir. 
Thatcher: well what do you want? 
Fraser: [thinks it over] Coffee. Would you care for some coffee? 
Thatcher: Um, well I don't think, uh, all right. 
Fraser: Good. 
Thatcher: Fine. Get the car. 
Fraser: uh, do you want to drive? 
Thatcher: Yes. No. You drive. No, I'll drive. You. 
Fraser: Understood. [hurries toward exit] 
12 year old Helms: Not bad. 
12 year old Bush: I think he's back. 

End of The Edge 
 
 
 
 
 

We Are The Eggman 

[Early morning in the country] 
Fraser: All right, that's it. Just crouch. Just watch him. All right now. All right great. Close the gap, pick up your pace. Charge. [Dief finds a candy wrapper] Aw, Diefenbaker. Do I have to remind you that you are a carnivore, that you are genetically predisposed to hunt, or have you forgotten that? It's hopeless. I should never have taken you out of your element and brought you to the city. You've gone soft. No, there's only thing to do and that's to mail you back to the Yukon. [Dief whimpers] Ahh, now a few elementary drills doesn't sound so bad does it? Let's go. [Dief whimpers, Fraser is walking backwards] Watch your language. Now pick up the scent again. Start to stalk. That's it. Pick up your pace. All right. That's it. All right. Measure your charge. [Fraser falls into an uncovered hole in the road. He pops up, putting his hat on] If you even so much as contemplate laughing, my friend, I swear I will crate you up so quickly that… [sees head lights heading his way, out of hole and his trying to flag down the truck. The driver sees him, swerves and crashes at the side of the road. Fraser runs over, tries getting into the drivers door] Sir, are you all right? [can't get the door open, runs to the back of the truck, gets that door open and hundreds of eggs slide out] Excuse me sir, it's Constable Benton Fraser Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Are you all right? 
Buxley: Yeah, I'm okay. Thank you. Oh my god, what did you do to my eggs! 
Fraser: I'm very sorry about your eggs sir but you were headed for an open trench. 
Buxley: You son of a - 
Fraser: You see, you were headed for an open trench. 
Buxley: What am I gonna do now? 
Fraser: I think we can salvage some of them. 
Buxley: Hey, you did enough already. Get out of here. 
Fraser: Well perhaps I should go call somebody for- 
Buxley: Get out of here! 
[Buxley backs up and drives off spilling even more eggs. Dief is eating the eggs] 
[Consulate] 
[Fraser, up the stairs, his door has a note on it, he goes to Thatcher's office, knocks] 
Thatcher: Come in. Constable Fraser, this is Linus Prince. 
Fraser: Pleased to meet you. 
Prince: Same here. 
Thatcher: He's a lawyer. 
Prince: For Mr. Lyndon Buxley, the man who's life you ruined. 
Fraser: Excuse me? 
Thatcher: Something about eggs. 
Prince: Your actions caused my client to loose a contract that was vital to his business. And since the accident he's suffered severe trauma and emotional distress. 
Fraser: Oh. I'm-I'm terribly sorry to hear that. If there's anything I can do to help. 
Prince: There most definitely is Constable. You can provide restitution. 
Thatcher: He's suing us. The complaint sites you, the Royal Mounted Police and the government of Canada for the loss of income, bodily harm and mental anguish as a result of your wanton behavior. 
Fraser: Well I … I'm not sure the word wanton is the word you're looking for- 
Thatcher: Fraser. 
Fraser: Sir, I was trying to prevent a serious accident. Your client was heading for an open trench. 
Prince: There was no open trench. You forced him off the road. 
Fraser: Yes, there was an open trench, Mr. Prince. I fell into it. While I was hunting with my wolf. 
Thatcher: How much exactly are you looking for Mr. Prince? 
Prince: Ten million dollars. You have my number. And you'll want to call soon. The longer you wait, the higher the price. [Prince leaves] 
Thatcher: Don't say it. You were only trying to help. 
Fraser: Well yes, actually. 
Thatcher: Dismissed. [on phone] Get me legal affairs in Ottowa. Fraser, one more thing? If you ever get the urge to help me? Resist it. Yes, this is Inspector Thatcher in Chicago. 
[27th] 
Vecchio: Welcome to America, Benny. The land of litigation. You know you can sue your barber for giving you a bad haircut? 
Fraser: The man was in trouble Ray. 
Vecchio: Well that's what you get for being a good Samaritan. You say you were helping a guy, he says you were interfering. 
Fraser: I didn't do anything wrong. 
Vecchio: Well, it doesn't matter. In this country the guy who brings the suit doesn't have to pay the costs and nine times out of ten they hire a slippery lawyer and it's cheaper to settle than fight back. 
Fraser: But of course that won't happen in this case because as soon as we can clear up the misunderstanding of the open trench-- 
Vecchio: Look, I just want you to be prepared. If it comes down to your word to his, in a Chicago court room, the money's going to be on the hometown boy. 
Fraser: Now the cover was off that trench Ray. 
Vecchio: Now we prove it, you're off the hook, but if we can't, don't take it personally. Come on. We got 45 minutes. 
Frannie: Hey you guys want a sandwich? 
Vecchio: My sisters new business. She's taken over the kitchen at home. 
Frannie: Well you know. It keeps me busy. Gets me out. I'm kinda a people person. You hungry Benton? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact, I am. How much do I owe you? 
Frannie: Ah. Nada. You get the good looking eligible bachelor discount. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: You got proscuitto? 
Frannie: Yeah, six bucks. 
Vecchio: Six bucks? 
Frannie: What? You're my brother. And besides, even if you weren't you're not my type. 
Vecchio: Ah, then you're out of luck. I've only got five. And besides, I ran out of toothpaste this morning. 
Frannie: You and your system. He thinks if he runs out of a personal care product it means he'll win the lottery. 
Vecchio: All right, make fun of me now. 
Frannie: All right, buy me a five while you're at it okay? 
Vecchio: Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya. 
Frannie: He's my brother, I have to put up with him. What are you thinking? 
[farm]  [Buxley drives up to his farm, two guys are there] 
Buxley: Sneed, what are you doing here man? 
Sneed: It's time to pay the piper Lyndon. If you're lucky here Mr. Marshack might make an offer on this dump. You very lucky he just might, just cover your marker. 
Buxley: Hey come on. Hey, you cannot take this farm away. 
Sneed: Oh? 
Buxley: No. I just need a little more time, okay? 
Sneed: You clowns always think it's about time. It's not about time. 
Buxley: Look man I'm about to make a really big score. 
Sneed: A big score? 
Buxley: I swear to God. 
Sneed: Hundred grand? 
Buxley: Hundred grand is peanuts. I'm suing the Canadian government. 
Sneed: That's original. That's original. 
Buxley: Lawyers say it's a slam dunk. Going to settle for 5 - uh million so I'm going to pay you back maybe 10-15-20 times what I owe you. 
Sneed: Lyndon, Lyndon, parties over. You better hope and pray I find a buyer for this place of your future ain't going to be worth the change you leave behind. 
Buxley: Hey, hey you can't take that. Excuse me sir, you can't take that. 
Marshack: So you breed these yourself? Interesting. 
Buxley: You can't take those, those are my eggs, man. 
Sneed: Mr. Marshack can take anything he wants. Now you play your dime, you take your wrack. 
Buxley: those are my eggs.  [Vecchio scratching tickets while Fraser looks around the country road and taking photos of the road] Come on….nothing. 
Fraser: Well this plate has obviously been replaced. 
Vecchio: Yeah, no kidding? It's under construction. They move it every day. You know I don't know why I but these things I never win. 
Fraser: Look at these scrape marks, Ray. They appear to be fresh. 
Vecchio: You're going to have a hard time convincing the judge that between the time you ran the guy off the road and between the time the cops showed up that an emergency road crew came out here and did road repairs. [He's still scratching tickets] Come on, come on. I'm squeezing like a - ya know, this is nothing but a tax on the poor. 
Fraser: These plates were lifted in by a machine. Where as this plate was levered in with some difficulty. Probably a crowbar. 
Vecchio: So what are you saying? There's some guy running around at 4 o'clock in the morning replacing wayward trench covers? I don't think so Benny. If you ask me, I'd say settle. There's no shame in settling, it happens all the time. 
Fraser: I think I'm going to go and talk to him. It's only a couple of miles. I can walk from here and you have to get back anyway. 
Vecchio: Talk to who? 
Fraser: The eggman. 
Vecchio: The eggman? He's the enemy. The only explanation he's looking for comes in large denominations. He's probably gonna have to chase you - [scratches the last ticket] I won 25 thousand dollars! 
[farm] 
Buxley [to his chickens]: I know. It is not your problem. Nobodies blaming you. I'm blaming myself. I'm assuming full responsibility. Yeah, you don't have to tell me I'm a compulsive gambler, I know I'm a compulsive gambler. I'm assuming total responsibility. What I'm trying to explain to you is that we have got something going now sweetheart that cannot miss, okay? It is not a long shot. No-no-no-no. It's gonna put us on the map kids. No more worries. Nothing. Okay? Yes, I'm promising. Right? [looks out his window and there's Fraser taking photos. Buxley grabs his rifle] Son of a - [goes onto his porch] 
Fraser [waves]: Ah, Mr. Buxley. 
Buxley [fires at Fraser]: Yes? 
Fraser: Ah! Mr. Buxley might I suggest that you hold your fire. If not for my sake at least for the sake of your French Houdans. 
Buxley: How do you know I got French Houdans? 
Fraser: Oh I'd recognize those voices anywhere. You see as it turns out I'm not entirely unfamiliar with poultry. My grandfather bred fowl. When we lived in Yetyak Flats, in his spare time of course. And in Yetyak Flats, there was a surplus of spare time. As a matter of fact, I remember one occasion when he actually tried to introduce a pair of andallusians to a flock of brohmas and you [laughing] well you can imagine the results. 
[Buxley shakes his head, understanding what Fraser is saying] 
Buxley: what do you want? 
Fraser: Well, I'd like to have a word with you. May I? 
[Buxley looks like he'll shoot, gives up and goes inside] 
[house] 
Fraser: This is your research station. 
Buxley: Yeah. 
Fraser: High nitrogen content. 
Buxley: That's for the shells. 
Fraser: These spices are coriander…gensing root, myerr and I can't place the other two. 
Buxley: That's cause it's a secret. 
Fraser: Ah. And this would be your uh… 
Buxley: that's your treadmill. Ya see, the way I look at it, you put a chicken in a little tiny cage and never give him a little exercise, that's no good. This way they get in shape, they're gonna perform two, three, four maybe five years past the average. 
Fraser: These two are remarkable. 
Buxley: Adam and Eve. It took 25 years to produce these two. 
Fraser: And these are their eggs? 
Buxley: That's the eggs. 
Fraser: May I? 
Buxley: Go ahead. 
[Fraser uses a tuning fork to listen to the egg] 
Fraser: That was a fine egg. 
Buxley: Those eggs are going to put me on a map my boy. But in the meantime business is slow. Yeah, real slow now thanks to the incident we had. 
Fraser: You think this law suit is your way out? 
Buxley: Well it's nothing personal. Just exercising my indigenous rights so to speak. 
Fraser: Mr. Buxley, if they discover it was you that covered that open trench, you will be liable to the criminal charge of fraud. 
Buxley: Gee, since I didn't do that I don't have anything to worry about do I? You know I think this is all very nice but I think maybe this conversation is concluded now. I think the next time we see each other, it ought to be in court. 
Fraser: Very well. 
Buxley: Take your eggs. 
Fraser: At, thank you. 
Buxley: God bless you. 
[27th] 
[Frannie is cuffed to a bench] 
Vecchio: Well, well, well, if it isn't Jan Paul Getty, Miss Captain of Industry, the Duchess of - 
Frannie: All right Ray, enough. Pay my fine will you? 
Vecchio: Not so fast. As a responsible and concerned police officer I just want to make sure you're learned your lesson. 
Frannie: how was I suppose to know that I needed a vendors permit to sell at the Merc? 
Vecchio: Just a wild idea Frannie? Maybe you should have asked someone? 
Fraser: Uh Ray, did you get that information? 
Vecchio: Look, there were no road crews and that open trench must have been a figment of your imagination. 
Fraser: I fell into it Ray. 
Vecchio: Well then you fell into a figment. 
Frannie: I think this is just a simple misunderstanding over a permit. Would you please tell my brother just to pay my fine and let me get out of here please. 
Fraser: Well that should be simple enough Ray with your good fortune today. 
Frannie: Good fortune? 
Vecchio: Fraser. 
Frannie: Hello? What good fortune? 
Vecchio: No good fortune. Just sit there. Fraser, this is not a good time to be telling Frannie about the lottery ticket. 
Fraser: Well why isn't it Ray? She won half the money. 
Vecchio: No Frannie did not win any of the money. I won all the money. 
Fraser: Ray, I don't think that's true, strictly speaking. I mean while it is true that you scratched off all of the tickets, Franchesca bought half of the tickets therefore technically she should be entitled to half the money, isn't that right? 
Vecchio: No. her tickets did not win and mine did. End of story. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: What do you mean Ah? Frannie did not win are we clear on this? 
Fraser: If you say so, yes. 
Vecchio: What? Have you been taking guilt lessons from my mother? 
Fraser: Not that I recall. 
Vecchio: All right. Case closed, not another word of this to Frannie, all right? I'll tell her when the time is right. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Vecchio: Will you stop with the Ah 
Fraser: All right, all right. Ray, Should we - uh - 
Vecchio: Na, let her sit there and consider her crime. 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry Franchesca. 
[Thatcher's office] 
Cloutier: So much detail after such a long flight. This Fraser's opened a big mess for us. 
Thatcher: Can we mitigate the damage? 
Cloutier: Nothing is beyond repair in the right hands. You know the office hasn't been the same without you Maggie. Ottowa misses you. 
Thatcher: Coffee? 
Cloutier: That's splendid. I've cleared my schedule to handle this case myself you know. And a chance to see my protégé how could I pass that up? 
Dief: Woof! 
Thatcher: Fraser! Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP Councilor Anri [Henri] Cloutier. 
Cloutier: I've heard much about you Fraser. Your heroics are going to cost us a lot of money. 
Fraser: What is this? If I may? [meaning the form he is handed] 
Cloutier: A simple form accepting responsibility for having caused the accident. 
Fraser: But I-I 
Cloutier: I have already done the ground work with Mr. Buxley's lawyer. He and I feel certain that a settlement can be reached. 
Fraser: Well, with all due respect sir, it would be wrong of me to sign this. 
Cloutier: Inspector Thatcher and I have dinner plans. Why don't you take the evening to consider the repercussions of your position. 
Thatcher: Ben, I'm sorry about dinner. I won't be too late. 
Fraser: Too late for what? 
Thatcher: Too late for - dinner. Dismissed. [Fraser is very confused] Shall we? 
[Fraser's building. Thatcher looks over the hall, takes in the noise, odors…in apartment Fraser is ironing his underwear. Knock at door] 
Fraser: Inspector! 
Thatcher: [hurrying in and has this 'safe at last' look]: Nice neighborhood, Fraser. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Thatcher: You live like this? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Thatcher: Anyway, um…about what I said earlier in my office today. Uh, you see I called Ottowa, which given the particular circumstances, circumstances which I hold you entirely responsible for, anyway, um, I just didn't expect that he would be the one assigned. You see I um, in eight months working for him and in the course of that eight months, I'm sorry if I made it seem today like we…I'm sorry for the ruse. It's just that…there have been occasions in my career where I have found it necessary to um… 
Fraser: Deflect? 
Thatcher: Yes, there have been occasions in my carrier where I have found it necessary to deflect the attention of male superiors. And if I made it awkward or uncomfortable for you today I want to apologize. 
Fraser: There's no reason to apologize. I understand. 
Thatcher: Thank you. Now why are you being so stubborn about this? 
Fraser: About what? 
Thatcher: The settlement. Why won't you sign it. 
Fraser: Well if I could explain - 
Thatcher: Fraser. There will be no skin off your nose. The Canadian government won't bat an eye lash, all you have to do is sign it. Then you'll have the eggman out of your hair, I'll have Cloutier out of mine. 
Fraser: I can't. 
Thatcher: Why not? Just give me one good reason why not? [he fixes her an omelet] Marshack. It's delicious. 
Fraser: It's naturally low in cholesterol too. This is not ordinary farmer. I mean the quality of this egg suggests he is something of an artist- 
Thatcher: Oh, now I get it. In spite of the fact that he filed a law suit against you, you believe you can show him the error of his way, appeal to his conscious and save his soul for the pure pursuit of his god given talent. One day. One day to prove whatever it is your trying to prove. 
Fraser: One day as in? 
Thatcher: 24 hours. That's it and then you sign. 
Fraser: As in one day. 
[unknown] 
Marshack: That makes a good egg. 
Sneed: No doubt about it. A gold mine to someone who can get this to the mass market. Could be you boss. 
Marshack: I'm sold. Get him to sign over everything. 
Sneed: No problem. 
[farm. Buxley is looking over a feather] 
Buxley: Uh oh, a little hormonal imbalance here baby. I think we're gonna stop with the Mozart and go back to the Shostakovich. Cause it's gonna lower your estrogen, okay? We'll think of something okay. Maybe Staffingarpelli. Hey, how you doing Sneed? 
Sneed: Mr. Marshack has assumed your debt and he wants his restitution. Have no choice. 
Buxley: Well uh, I'm sorry, you can't do this to me. 
Sneed: All you have to do is sign and you're free and clear. I'll even give you the pen. 
Buxley: Uh, you don't understand Sneed, this is all I got, okay? I really appreciate this uh-it's a very nice pen what is it a melblack? 
Sneed [to thug]: Come here, you hold him. [points gun at hen's head] 
Buxley: You wouldn't. 
Sneed: You want to try me? I've seen guys go down for their families for their girlfriends, even their dogs. But chickens? 
Buxley: Just give me the thing, I'll sign it, okay? Come on, come on, I'll sign it, give me the pen. Just leave the chickens alone. 
[Vecchio and Fraser are at the road having the trench opened] 
Vecchio: Well I did what any gentleman would do all right? I scratched the tickets her five dollars bought first. Besides possession is nine tenths of the law anyway. 
Fraser: Well possession affords one a prema facie argument for the retaining of the assets, the declaration of ownership Ray still would require a higher court. 
Vecchio: Well not in the Vecchio household. You think I'd be getting a cut if she was holding the winning ticket? Not a chance. 
Fraser: Huh. 
Vecchio: A feather? It certainly screams conspiracy to me Benny. 
Fraser: Notice the healthy sheen Ray and the yellow coloration of the tip? This feather could only come from one chicken. 
Vecchio: So let's go get him. You sure you want that wolf running around with all these chickens? 
Fraser: Well as long as they're not in possession of any milkduds, they should be fine Ray. 
Vecchio: He hasn't kicked that junk food habit yet? 
Fraser: Yeah, well you know they say it's harder than heroin. 
[farm] 
Sneed: Good afternoon. Something I can help you with? 
Vecchio: Yeah, where's the chicken man? 
Sneed: Mr. Buxley no longer lives here. Is there anything I can help you with? 
Fraser: Are you in any way connected with Mr. Buxley? 
Sneed: I'm the proprietor of this establishment. 
Vecchio: Well, that makes sense. Why hang around this dump when you figure to cash in on 10 million bucks. 
Fraser: Well he seemed pretty dedicated Ray. 
Sneed: What's this about? 
Vecchio: These are exhibits a and b. [the hen and rooster] 
Sneed: Hey, hey wait a second these are my chickens. What's the deal here. 
Vecchio: These chickens here are involved in a high profile crime, perpetrated by Lyndon Buxley. All the paper works in order. If you guys got a complaint, take it up with Judge DeLuca. 
Fraser: Excuse me. I promise you sir, I will personally care for your fowl. You have nothing to be concerned about. 
Sneed: When do I get em back. 
Vecchio: When the case is closed. 
[parks Riv and heads down the block] 
Vecchio: I'll be right back. I'm just going to go cash my lottery ticket. [Fraser gets out and catches up] Why are you following me? 
Fraser: Well I'm not following you exactly Ray. I'm walking beside you. 
Vecchio: You're not going to leave me alone on this are you? 
Fraser: On what? 
Vecchio: Look Fraser, this isn't about she said this and I said that, okay? This is bigger than just who anted up. 
Fraser: Ah. You mean on the issue of who's entitled to the money. 
Vecchio: This is payback time, Fraser. This is for the time she ratted me out for smoking a cigar in the basement with David Contee, for the time she told Paula Scriptiano that I was a jr. for the time she didn't show up at the Academy for my graduation because she had to go see Donny Osmond at the Beacon, okay? This isn't my victory, Fraser, this is cosmic justice. 
Fraser: Ah. I see. 
Vecchio: No you don't. I don't even know hwy I try. [sounds of broken glass and Buxley running off] Hey! Buxley, he smashed my window! 
Fraser: The chickens are gone. 
Vecchio: Who cares about the chickens, he smashed my window. 
Fraser: Well the chickens are gone Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh good riddance to the chickens. I didn't like them anyway. [to his car] Ah, it's okay baby, it's not personal. The guy just had a deep desire to get to his chickens. 
Fraser: Well the chickens were his life Ray, it's understandable he'd go to great lengths to retrieve them. 
Vecchio: There's no excuse for one man to damage another mans fine vintage automobile over a couple of oven roasters. [Fraser is looking at the paper the chickens cage was on… the paper with the chicken droppings on it…] Ah that's disgusting. What are you doing? 
Fraser: Well he has written something on this book. Raptures plus three. Timber Wolves minus two. Kings, Clippers plus eight. 
Vecchio: Yeah, those are basketball teams and this is a betting sheet. You see, those are the teams he things are going to win and that's the point spread. Yeah, but this guys a chump. Who would take the Clippers even with points. 
Fraser: Well perhaps a man more efficient at farming than he is at gambling. [Ray gets in the car] Where are we going? 
Vecchio: To visit a family friend. 
[Marshack's] 
Marshack: What do you mean the cops took the chickens. Those are the birds laying the golden eggs. Without them all I got is a couple of broken down buildings and a worthless piece of land. 
Sneed: I didn't know, I'm sorry. 
Marshack: Sorry don't cut it. I made a deal for Buxley's farm and everything on it. Without the chickens, all bets are off. Now get out of here. Fix it. 
[a hotel room] 
Buxley: I know, I know. I hate the city too. Come on, let's forget about it okay? You just got to eat your food. I know I know I know, you're used to the best of food. I gave it to you all your life. Baby, I'm sorry, okay? Come on, you force yourself to eat it cause it's nutritious. Okay? You don't have to like it. All right, all right sweet heart. Evie, daddy's gonna get you your real food, okay? You take care of Evie, okay Adam? I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna get you real food. 
[barber shop] 
Vecchio: My old man used to come here all the time. He'd tell my mother we were going to the park but we'd always end up here. I never once saw him cut his hair. 
Fraser: You didn't like to see his hair being cut? 
Vecchio: No! This is Burt Block's place. He's a bookie. He's been around hair. He knows this town inside and out. 
[inside the shop] 
Burt: You grew up nice. Use to be the softest kid I ever know. His old man be listening to the radio and screamin for those Nicks to run faster and little Ray would be there in the corner stuffin his face with crullers all chubby and-- 
Vecchio: Burt! Burt. I think that's a little more information than my friend needs to know. 
Vecchio: Uh, listen. One more thing. Did my old man ever win, even once? 
Burt: Ray! That would have spoiled his fun! 
[Romantic Restaurant] 
Thatcher: I don't know if this is a good place to talk business, it's a little dark. 
Cloutier I can see everything I need to. 
Thatcher: I spoke to Constable Fraser, I think he might be ready to come around. 
Cloutier Constable Fraser, I must admit I'm a little surprised at your relationship with him. 
Thatcher: Yes, well we both know I like to keep my personal life personal. 
Cloutier Don't underestimate your potential Meg. Remember your ambition. You've done well so far. You could do even better with the right connections. With a friend to help pave the way. 
Thatcher: Fraser! 
Fraser: Ah. Inspector. I thought it important to inform you there's been an emergency. 
Thatcher: Emergency? 
Fraser: Yes. With your car. 
Thatcher: What about it. 
Fraser: It's on fire. 
Cloutier: Oh please! 
Fraser: No, it is. It's burning away. All the other cars feel threatened. 
Cloutier: You're making this up. 
Fraser: Yes, I am 
Cloutier: [to Thatcher] Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. 
Thatcher: No Andre you made yourself perfectly clear. Now let me make myself clear. I'm sick of your innuendoes. I didn't join the RCMP to get chased around a desk. I'm going with Constable Fraser, you do what you want about that. 
Fraser: Sorry to have interrupted your dinner. I'm sorry about the ruse, but I believe I've determined the cause of the accident other night. I think Lyndon Buxley will reconsider his legal action. Thank you kindly. 
[Buxley's hotel room] 
Buxley: What are you doing here? 
Fraser: I assumed you wouldn't want to feed Adam and Eve anything but the best. 
Buxley: Do me a favor, okay? Just leave me alone, all right? Until I sue you. 
Fraser: I'd rather help you if I may. 
Buxley: What are you? Crazy/ I'm suing you for 10 million dollars and you want to help me? Why? 
Thatcher: That's what I wanted to know. 
Buxley: Who's this woman? 
Fraser: This is my superior officer, Inspector Margaret Thatcher. Lyndon, I know the kind of trouble you're in. I know you needed money to pay off your bookie, that's why you sold your farm in the first place. That's why you set up that hole in the road and that's why you tried to sue me. 
Thatcher: He set up the hole? 
Fraser: Yes. He planned to drive into it and then blame it on Cook County but when I interfered with his plan, it provided him the opportunity to sue an entire government. And that's why he went back and covered up the trench. 
Thatcher: You should be ashamed of yourself. 
Buxley: Yeah, I know. If you'll excuse me I gotta go feed my chickens, okay? 
Thatcher: That's it? After all that, we're gonna let him go? 
Fraser: I don't see what else we can do. 
Thatcher: Interfere! You always interfere. 
[Buxley runs out with the chickens and is caught by Sneed] 
Buxley: No! 
Sneed: Yes. I'm taking you to see Mr. Marshack. 
Thatcher [to Fraser who is getting on the truck]: What are you doing? 
Fraser: Interfering. [she climbs aboard] 
Thatcher: Where's he taking us? 
Fraser: I wouldn't hazard a guess. Do you still have your cellular phone with you? [she holds it up] May I? 
Thatcher: Permission granted. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Thatcher: What are you waiting for? 
Fraser: Well I don't want my hesitation to appear unprocedual ma'am it's just I don't know what cellular provider you use and since we're likely to be on a transponder boundary line, there'll undoubtedly be a nominal expense accrued. Nominal I say- 
Thatcher: Just do it! 
Fraser: Uh, yes. 
Vecchio [on the other end of the phone]: Vecchio. 
Thatcher: Hurry up the batteries running low. 
Fraser: Ray, it's Fraser. Buxley has been kidnapped [phone beeps] Inspector Thatcher and I stowed away aboard the kidnapper's vehicle. 
Vecchio: So where are you? 
Fraser: We're in a truck. 
Vecchio: Well where's the truck? 
Fraser: It's on a road Ray. 
Thatcher: Hurry up! 
Fraser: What? Apparently the batter is running low. [beep beep] 
Vecchio: All right look, give me a license plate number. 
Fraser: Yes, I only saw it for a split second but it's Illinois plate five zero six nine [beep beep] Oh dear. 
Vecchio: Hello? Hello? Elaine. Oh, could you get me a number on a truck? 5-0-6-9. 
Elaine: That's it? There could be hundreds of matches. 
Vecchio: Yeah well that's all we got. 
[Cicero Dairy Corp] 
Buxley [who is hanging above a large vat of something]: What do you want from me? 
Marshack: Just what you owe me, chicken man., 
Buxley: You already got my farm. I don't have anything else. 
Marshack: I want your research Lyndon. Not your live stock. 
Buxley: I don't know what you're talking about. 
Marchack: Why you kidnapped two of your most valuable birds, I want em back. If you could do that for me huh? 
Buxley: I don't think so. Never. 
Marshack: Never say never Lyndon. 
Sneed: Mr. Marshack, we got trouble. 
[on the monitor we see Fraser and Thatcher in the building, shortly after that, they are locked in the incubation chamber] 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
Thatcher: We're gonna burn up in here. 
Fraser: I think that's unlikely ma'am. This would appear to be a late model Akison Type incubator with a maximum out put of 50 degree Celcius or 100 degrees Farenheight. 
Thatcher: So were safe then. 
Fraser: Oh yes, yes. Well. That is until the carbon dioxide we exhale combines with the sulfuric acid, the amonia and the nitrix oxide which without proper ventilation can be a common hazard of incubators of this type. 
Thatcher: And then? 
Fraser: And then we die. 
Thatcher: Any chance of getting that door open? 
Fraser: I don't think so. It would appear to be double reinforced steel with a electronic lock. 
Thatcher: Which means? 
Fraser: Which means they brought an extraordinary good door. 
Thatcher: Why? 
Fraser: Perhaps they foresaw this exact situation. 
Thatcher: Perhaps they were just trying to prevent the chicks from escaping. 
Fraser: Perhaps. 
[27th] 
Frannie: How come you told everyone else in the world that ticket won. Except me. 
Vecchio: Uh, it slipped my mind. 
Frannie: Twenty thousand dollars slipped your mind? 
Vecchio: Look if I'da thought about it I'da told you but I didn't think about it, okay? 
Frannie: That money is half mine you know. 
Vecchio: Look, no it is not. Now will you leave me alone? I got seven hundred license plate numbers I have to go through here? 
Frannie: Don't wiggle out of this Ray. 
Vecchio: Look, you ask anybody all right? They'll tell you it's my money. You ask anybody. 
Frannie: Ok, lets. Huey. What do you think? 
Huey: Even Steven. It was your money. 
Frannie: Elaine. How bout it. 
Elaine: Ray, pay the woman her money. 
Frannie: The rest of you. How many of you think I deserve half the winnings. Come on let's see some hands. 
Vecchio: Ah, thank you for your support. It's still mine. 
Frannie: You're such a rat. 
Vecchio: All right, this has got to be the one. Elaine, get me an address on ------Dairy and radio me in my car. 
Frannie: Will you stop walking away from me? 
Vecchio: I'm walking can't you see me walking and pretty soon, I'll be driving. 
Frannie: Well then, I'm coming with you. 
Vecchio: Oh no you're not. 
Frannie: So try and stop me. 
[dairy] 
Fraser: I think I found the contact points for the release mechanism. 
Thatcher: If we ever do get out of here, I'm going to have to find a new career. 
Fraser: Well I hope I haven't been in anyway responsible for that ma'am. 
Thatcher: No, it's not your fault. That was something I should have done a long time ago. We're Mounties. We're suppose to have ideals. Of course, if we're dead Mounties, our ideals won't mean much will they? 
Fraser: Huh. 
Thatcher: Something? 
Fraser: Well I think it's possible to bypass the release mechanism. I need a piece of wire about 7 centimeters in length. 
Thatcher: 7 centimeters? 
Fraser: yes, 7 centimeters. 
Thatcher: Take off your tunic. 
Fraser: I beg your pardon? 
Thatcher: Take off your tunic, Constable, that's an order. [he does and she removes a piece of wire from the collar] 7 centimeters. 
Fraser: Good thinking ma'am. [he puts the wire in the lock, then makes like he's being electrocuted] 
Thatcher: Fraser! 
Fraser: Just joking. 
[meanwhile, back to the eggman] 
Sneed: You should have done it the easy way Lyndon. 
Buxley: I love my chickens. 
Sneed: It's not too late. 
Buxley: No! 
Sneed: I'm asking you one more time Buxley, where are the chickens. 
Buxley: You want to know where I left those chickens? Suck an egg. [he's dunked in the vat] 
Thatcher: Fraser, if this doesn't work and uh we don't make it out of here…as your commanding officer, I just wanted to say that, as someone you work for, I just wanted to say that as someone you work with…I just wanted to tell you… 
Fraser: [the lock clicks open] I got it. You were saying? 
Thatcher: Another time. 
Buxley: All right, all right, all right! I'll tell you, okay? 
Sneed: That's better. We ain't got all day, Lyndon. Well? Well? 
Buxley: I can't do it. I can't do it! 
Sneed: Put him down. 
Buxley: No. you heartless pig. 
Sneed: You had your chance. 
Buxley: Okay, I'll tell you. 
Sneed: Well? Well? Put him down and leave him down. 
Buxley: I can't do it. I love my chickens. 
Fraser: We need a diversion. Can you throw? 
Thatcher: ????? over 300 games. 
Fraser: That's good. Hit the red button [hands her an egg] 
[Fight noises, she's throwing eggs and hits the button] 
Buxley: Way to go Mountie! 
Frannie: What kind of man cheats his own sister, Ray? 
Vecchio: I didn't cheat you. 
Frannie: What did you think you'd do, start lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills and I wouldn't notice? 
Vecchio: I don't smoke. 
Frannie: That's not the issue. You're avoiding. Avoiding and stealing. What do you think Ma's gonna say? 
[gun shots and Ray pulls his gun, the lottery ticket falls to the floor and the chickens start eyeing it] 
Vecchio: [has his gun muzzle against Sneed's neck]: Not so fast pal. Unless you want to play chicken. 
Fraser: Ray! 
Vecchio: Evening Benny. Inspector. 
Fraser: Well it's very good of you to come. May I? [takes cuffs] 
Vecchio: Ah, no problem. You know, I been thinking Benny, I can't take the guilt any more. I'm gonna give half that money to Franchesca. [Frannie screams in the other room] Watch him. 
Fraser: Which came first Mr. Sneed, the chicken or the egg. 
Vecchio [screams from the other room]: No!!! 
Thatcher: I'll watch him, you go. 
Fraser: Thank you ma'am. [to Sneed] I'll tell you later. Ray! 
[Fraser finds both of them standing and staring at the winning ticket that has been pecked to death] 
[Walking down the street] 
Vecchio: For saving the life of egg farmer Lyndon Buxley and his prize hens, for protecting Canada against an opportunistic legal acts, sounds pretty good Benny. Say, who's this guy Henry Clouteer? 
Fraser: That's Anri Cloutier. He's with Legal affairs office in Ottowa. 
Vecchio: The guy gives you a commendation and you don't tell me about it? I gotta read about it on page four? 
Fraser: Well Inspector Thatcher deserves all the credit as my commanding officer. 
Vecchio: Which brings me to another subject I'd like to talk about. 
Fraser: Fire away. 
Vecchio: Women. 
Fraser: Enough. 
Vecchio: (hehehehe) No, I'm serious. You mean to tell me you haven't noticed Inspector Thatcher is a good looking woman? 
Fraser: Well that wouldn't be appropriate for me to comment on, Ray. 
Vecchio: So you do notice. 
Fraser: I didn't say that. 
Vecchio: Ah. 
Fraser: Ah? What do you mean 'Ah'. 
Vecchio: Oh nothing, just 'Ah'. 
Fraser: No, you must mean something by 'Ah'. 
Vecchio: Oh I think this 'Ah' thing is a pretty good trick. 
Fraser: Well it's not a trick, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh like you didn't use it to make me feel guilty about the lottery ticket. 
Fraser: No, I didn't. 
Vecchio: Ah. 
Fraser: Honestly. 
Vecchio: Ah. 
Fraser: What you don't believe me? 
Vecchio: I didn't say that. 
Fraser: Ah. 

End of We Are The Eggmen
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Starman 

[A motel room. there is a clock and as we watch it flicks from 11:10 to 11:11. The radio is playing and the song that is playing is 'Have I told you lately that I love you?'] 
Ian[to Audrey who's in the bathroom]: Audrey, Have I told you lately that I love you. 
Audrey: What? 
Ian: Because I do and a woman as precious as you as gentle as you should be cherished and nurtured like a hot house flower, protected and preserved in the delicate warmth of her own humidity. 
Audrey: What? 
Ian: HUMIDITY. 
Audrey: Oh I'll turn on the fan. 
Ian: Because when you love a woman I mean when you really love a woman, that's what you do, because that's what you should do. So will ya? 
Audrey [coming out of the bathroom]: Will I what? 
Ian: Will you marry me. 
Audrey: I huh? 
[Ian puts the ring on her finger] 
Ian: Till death do us part! 
Audrey: I am I 
Ian: Audrey! 
[Ian kisses her and there is a massive bright light in the door way] 
Audrey: NO! 
Man in doorway: The signal! 
Audrey: No no I need more time. 
Man in doorway: Passenger 220, Andromida 
Audrey: They're here? 
Ian: Who's here, get the hell out of here. 
Audrey: I have got to go, I can't explain. 
Ian: No wait, what do you mean? 
Audrey: I'm sorry I 
Ian: No no, take me I'm the dominant species. 
Audrey: Ian! 
Ian: Argh! 
Audrey: Ian Ian! 
[Do-ma-ahh] 
[27th district. Ray and Ben are walking down the stairs towards the bullpin] 
Fraser: So I have your word. 
Vecchio: Yes 
Fraser: And you promise. 
Vecchio: I said I promise. 
Fraser: Very good let's say you had helped someone and then you swore you would never help them ever again. 
Vecchio: This is a hypothetical question right? 
Fraser: All right Ray, sure. 
Vecchio: OK 
Fraser: OK well let's say this hypothetical person had not been entirely honest with you, well as a matter of fact he, all right he was a pathological liar but he had helped you and in doing so had not helped you, so to speak. 
Vecchio: Do you mind telling me which one of your friends we are talking about here? 
Fraser: Well I thought we'd agreed this was a hypothetical situation we were talking about. 
Vecchio: Oh that bad huh? 
Fraser: Unfortunately. Now do you think you could find it in you r heart to help him again? 
Vecchio: Well what specifically did this friend of yours do.. 
Fraser: Ours. Ours. 
Vecchio: OK what specifically did this friend of ours do that I would never help him again? 
Fraser: Let's just say he ruined your vacation, then he caused you to be attacked by Canadian mobsters which in turn caused you to shoot and explode your car until it was a seething fire ball, hypothetically. 
Vecchio: No no no no 
Fraser: There's no... 
Vecchio: NO 
Cop#1: Amazing friend you've got Fraser, I mean how many guys would run a marathon around the world to raise money for an orphanage in China. 
Cop#2: 250 000 miles his feet bleeding, his heart fit to burst, just to buy some poor Chinese kids a wide screen TV 
Cop#1: And a Dumbo video. 
Cop#2: You've got to love a guy who loves Dumbo. 
Vecchio: Ian, Ian McDonald, don't tell me this man is here because if he is I'm going to have to take out my gun and shoot myself. 
Ian: Hi guys, am I glad to see you! 
Vecchio: On second thoughts I'm going to shoot him. 
Fraser: Ray Ray you promised. 
Vecchio: That was hypothetically 
Fraser: He needs help 
Vecchio: NO 
Fraser: Ray, it will take 10 seconds and a person's life may depend upon it. 
Vecchio: Look. 
Fraser: Ray just because someone feels compelled to lie it doesn't mean there isn't a grain of truth in there somewhere and I'm fairly certain that he did intent to go to China. 
Vecchio: 2 seconds. 
Fraser: All right thank you. Ian tell him. 
Ian: My fiancée has been abducted by aliens. 
Ray [attacking Ian]: ARGHHHH 
Ian: Fine don't believe me then. 
Vecchio: I don't 
Ian: I'm telling the truth 
Vecchio: Truth? You don't even know how to spell the word. 
Ian: T.R.U.T.H. 
Vecchio: Do I need to remind you what happened the last time we went for a ride with this clown. We were in a bar room shoot out, there was mud up to here and we were in a massive car chase and then he stole my car. 
Ian: Borrowed it 
Fraser: And he did return it 
Vecchio: Yes just in enough time for me to blow it up to save his sorry butt. Now you should have let me strangle him 
Ian: It wouldn't have worked the aliens put a protective force field around me. 
Fraser: Ray wait we should at least hear him out. 
Vecchio: Why what good will it do. He'll only tell us a bunch of lies and you'll believe him and the next thing you know we're going to be driving around in circles dodging bullets. 
Ian: See that would never have happened if you'd let me drive. 
Vecchio: Oh shut up. 
Fraser: You know Ray, every piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit, it just gets us closer to finding that piece of the puzzle that does. 
Vecchio: Well thank you grasshopper but I have other business to attend to. 
Ian [to guy with a lie detector]: You're late, the suspect's heart beat is probably way to high by now this thing's useless. Go and get me a bucket of ice, a wet towel and three jars of tomato juice. I'll make this man talk if it's the last thing I do... GO man go... there's no time to lose. 
[Interrogation room] 
Vecchio: Where's my suspect 
Ian: He confessed. I sent his file to the state's attorney and put him in holding. 
Vecchio: You impersonated a cop? 
Ian: You certainly weren't doing a very good job. 
Vecchio: all right that's it Fraser, this guys got some serious problems. He's probably skipped bail and is here illegally. I'm going to arrest him. 
Fraser: Ray, come on, at the very least-- 
Vecchio: At the very least we put him on a bus back to Winnipeg, notify immigration and we do everyone a favor, he's talking aliens for God's sakes. 
Fraser: Well I agree he exaggerates but there may be some truth to what he's saying. Let's take the cut on his forehead for example. 
Vecchio: Oh, He slipped in the bathroom. 
Fraser: I'm not sure. The presence of minute paint particles along with the traces of wood. The cut, the abrasion. 
Vecchio: Wood? 
Fraser: Wood, cheap particle board would be my guess and judging from the angle he made contact with a low lying piece of furniture perhaps a dresser. 
Vecchio: All right he tripped in the bedroom. 
Fraser: Well that is possible but that would be an assumption which is not all together different from his exaggeration if you follow what I am saying and if we don't investigate we will never be certain. 
Vecchio: Of course we will 
Fraser: Never judge a book by it's cover Ray. 
Vecchio: Never judge a book by it's cover? Nobody says that anymore Fraser. 
Fraser: My grandmother did. 
Vecchio: Oh I knew she was behind this. 
Fraser: Behind what? 
Vecchio: Oh never mind. 
Fraser: Never mind what? 
Vecchio: That your grandmother's behind this. 
Fraser: You make no sense Ray. 
Ian[from behind glass]: I'm ready, I'm ready. 
Vecchio: This guys a moron. 
Fraser: You wont regret this Ray 
Vecchio: I already am 
[interrogation room] 
Vecchio: OK OK I'm going to give you my lunch hour. you got 60 minutes of my time to waste and that's all. Now let's go. 
Ian: You haven't interrogated me yet. 
Vecchio: Don't push your luck just unhook yourself from that machine and lets go. 
Fraser: Err Ray, we're all set up here, shall we? All right, please state your name. 
Ian: My name is Ian McDonald. 
Fraser: And what do you do for a living? 
Ian: I operate a touring business out of Ontario. We take Canadians through the United States on sight seeing tours which is actually where I met Audrey, The minute I saw here it was magic, like summer lightning. I knew, I knew the moment I saw here that this was the woman I was going to spent the rest of my life with. 
Fraser: Yes I'm sure she was but before Detective Vecchio changes his mind,, 
Ian: You should have seen the look on her face when I gave her the ring, it was my mother's ring, the minute it slipped on her finger her eyes lit up like a child at Christmas 
Vecchio: You want to get to the point please? 
Ian: She has blue eyes just like my mother. 
Vecchio: And out of the blue she was abducted. 
Ian: Yes there was a bright light I couldn't see a thing: we were on the way to the wedding. We'd stopped off for coffee. Audrey's father the Dowge of Venice had flown in from Switzerland for the ceremony. the guest's strictly A list, Strictly. Frank, Stallone, Sinatra, Bogart. 
Vecchio: Look this is useless this guy couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. Bogart's been dead for twenty years 
Ian: Frank Bogart his younger brother. 
Vecchio: Look give me a blunt object I'm going to put him out of his misery. 
Ian: Oh yeah try it my father in law gave me diplomatic immunity. 
Fraser: This is very interesting Ray. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Well it would appear that there was a girl. 
Ian: Ha see. 
Vecchio: Shut up. 
Fraser: And although she may not have been abducted by aliens according to this she was abducted. Of course I suppose we could choose to ignore it. 
Vecchio: No let's call the FBI. I can't wait to see the expression on Agent Ford's face when he gets a load of this wacko. 
Fraser: Yes you're right, he won't take the wacko seriously either. Although he might find this interesting. 
Ian: Oh it's a Bee Sting the Eraptor bogart killer bees, hundreds of them 
Vecchio: Oh thousands I'm sure. 
Ian: I think the stinger's still in there. 
Fraser: It appears to be infected. GREAT SCOTT TURTLES... 
Ian: Turtles? ARGH POLICE BRUTALITY... 
Fraser: I have removed it. 
Vecchio: I see. 
Ian: I expected better of you Sir. 
Fraser: Sit down. 
Ian: I'm calling the Hague. 
Ben [Nodding towards the door]: Shall we. 
Ian: As a political prisoner I demand that you people guarantee my safety under the Geneva convention. 
[Outside the room] 
Vecchio: So what was with the turtles. 
Fraser: Well there were no turtles Ray. 
Vecchio: Well I know there were no turtles. What were you doing. 
Fraser: Oh I was simply trying to distract him so I could remove this... 
Vecchio: A needle. So what is he on drugs? 
Fraser: Oh I didn't see any signs consistent with prolonged drug use aka 'track marks' and Ian hardly seems the type to need help to escape from reality but perhaps we should ask him. 
Vecchio: So he can tell us that it's a immunization shot for the honeymoon with the Dowge. I don't think so. 
Fraser: Well in that case, Ray We shall have to ask whoever it is that put this there. 
Vecchio: You only got 60 minutes. 
Fraser: Why only 60? 
Vecchio: Because that's my lunch hour. 
Fraser: Understood. 
Vecchio: OK and under no circumstances is that little liar going to set foot in my car. 
[Ian comes out of Interrogation room.] 
Ian: All right we'll take my car. 
Vecchio: You have a car? 
Ian: Yes I have a car. 
[In the Van] 
Ian: Well what do you think. It's on loan from N.A.S.A. they were having a financial difficulty with the space shuttle program and were having a fire sale. 
Fraser: Well it's very roomy. 
Murray: Do you mind? There's a draft it's very bad for the lumbago. 
Vecchio: No not at all. Excuse me.. These are your A list clients? 
Ian: Hey just because a person is old doesn't mean they can't have an open mind and a desire to explore the unknown. Besides with compound interest a person's net worth by the age of 65 is a remarkable thing. GREY POWER You both remember that! 
Norman: Who needs Mertle Beech when you can have the opportunity of a life time. We took one look at this brochure and said to ourselves if we walk to the market instead of taking a taxi. Eat a little less on Friday, buy whole sale, we could have this. 
Jane: Why sit at home watching Donahue and hear about someone else's sightings when you have a chance to get of the couch and see it for yourself. 
Vecchio: May I? 
Jane: Certainly. 
Vecchio: Thank you. 
Murray: A close encounter is guaranteed in every brochure. 
Ian: There are all kinds of close encounter. 
Fraser: So it would appear. 
Vecchio: See page 24 home of hanger 27 the US Governments top secret UFO intelligence operation, tour the base, meet the aliens, take a ride on a real flying saucer. You're actually charging for this. 
Ian: With a money back guarantee. 
Vecchio: It's a line of bull. 
Murray: The best part is the sky watch 
Ian: hundreds of space ships gather around in an interplanetary display of precision flying. 
Jane: Norman flew in the war. 
Norman: Now dear. 
Jane: And our son's a pilot. It's been a long time since I've seen him. 
Fraser: Well he's probably busy. 
Jane: I miss him. 
Betty: What a nice doggy 
Fraser: Well he's a wolf actually and he's on a diet...]to Dief] That's enough. 
Betty: Nice piece of fried chicken Mr. Glasma. 
Murray: It gives me heartburn 
Edna: I told you you should have made boiled. Rump roast honey? 
Murray: Allergic. 
Ian: Ladies and Gentlemen If you look to your left You'll notice we're passing through Jackson. In 1983 I myself personally witnessed a space ship suck the milk out of an entire herd of cows ... MOO. 
[Sign reads Roswell, IL.] 
[They arrive at the Constellation Motel.] 
Ian: OK gang we meet at the mission room for a briefing at 15 hundred hours. That's 3 o'clock for those of you not yet on space time. 
Edna: Such a nice boy. 
Betty: I love his dog. 
Vecchio: Space time? 
Ian: Yeah UFOs hundreds of them they all come here, it's like the Woodstock of psychic fairs. This place is famous. The Constellation. This is where Mick stays when nostalgia travelling and where Mohammed Ali and George Foreman had their secret meeting before the fight. But listen, you didn't hear it from me OK? And this is where I met Audrey. 
Vecchio: This is where you and Audrey had 'coffee'? 
Ian: Hey that's my Fiancée you're talking about 
Vecchio: Forgive me. 
Ian: Oh it was terrible and when the aliens ripped her out of my arms I fought like a wild man but what are you supposed to say to a space man when he's got a laser nerve distructor pointing at your head? 
Vecchio: Beam me up? 
Ian: Hey listen, I've had enough of you pal, all right? Why don't you just keep your sarcasm to yourself and your mind on your job. I'm talking about the woman I love . 
Vecchio: OK 
Ian: All right now look it's a real disaster area in there so just keep your cool I want to preserve the integrity of the crime scene. Come on. 
[In a car a man is watching the cops and Ian. He is on the telephone.] 
Guy: We've found him and he's not alone. 
Voice on phone: Continue surveillance, don't let them out of your sight. 
[In the room] 
Ian: Right here, I'm telling you. There was blood everywhere, the walls the ceilings, rivers of it. 
Fraser: You know Ian, ordinarily I am inclined to believe you but even if this room had been scoured clean there should have been a crack in the finish and the particle board would have soaked up traces of blood. This dresser has been replaced.]To Dief] Excuse me that could be evidence : Hopeless. 
Ray]on phone]: Yeah get me a taxi. Chicago, Chicago. I know it's 60 miles. I know it's a long trip. yes I have money. Tomorrow? 
Fraser [looking at the door]: Kicked in? 
Ian: Right off it's hinges, they must have used their anti gravity boots 
Vecchio: Yeah they took the yellow pages too. 
Fraser: The dresser's been replaced the door jam has been repaired and painted. 
Vecchio: I'm not listening because every time I listen, he says something stupid and you back him up. 
Ian: And the aliens took my stuff. My stereo, the closet full of Versace. Hey, you'd think these higher life forms would have a more developed sense of ethics. Maybe they were bad aliens. 
[They leave the room] 
Ben [To man on the roof[Bob]: Excuse me sir, Excuse me. Could you perhaps tell me if you saw anyone going into room 6 within the last 
Ian: 15 and a half hours. 
Fraser: 15 and a half hours. 
Bob: Yep. 
Fraser: Could you possibly describe them to me? 
Bob: Yep 
Fraser: Do you think you could describe them to me now? 
Bob: Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me guess CIA right? 
Fraser: No. Royal Canadian Mounted police, Constable Benton Fraser. 
Bob: Where's your horse. 
Fraser: Well I don't have one. I have a wolf if that will help you any? 
Bob: You ride him? 
Fraser: No, he's deaf. 
Bob: Two guys pulled up in a Ford Explorer around 6am. I guess I was waiting for the primer to dry and went to get a cup of coffee, couldn't have been gone ooh 20 minutes. Come back those fellas were gone nothing missing why make a fuss? 
Vecchio: Finally a reasonable explanation. Are you the owner? 
Bob: No. 
Vecchio: Are you the caretaker? 
Bob: No. 
Vecchio: What do you do? 
Bob: I build ships. When that baby's finished she'll be an exact replica. 
Vecchio: An exact replica of what? 
Bob: The one in my basement. 
Fraser: Ah thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: I'm so glad we asked. 
Ian: What are you guys doing that guy is a material witness put him in protective custody. OK two aliens a Ford Bronco : Simple explanation. They are exerting mind control over the Ford Motor Company and using them to cover their tracks 
[Reception] 
Vecchio: How do I get out of this town? 
Receptionist: Left at the corner. 
Vecchio: Well I don't have a car. 
Receptionist: Then you have a problem. 
Vecchio: You have no idea. Is there a car rental agency? 
Receptionist: Apollo 13 rentals.. 
Vecchio: How about a bus? 
Receptionist: Last one went through an hour ago. 
Vecchio: The space shuttle fly over any time soon? 
Receptionist: Ask Bob. 
Vecchio: I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon ] Receptionist hands him a dull spoon] No no it's just an expression. Mind control over the Ford Motor Company... what's the matter with you? 
Fraser: You know Ray on the surface it does appear to be sli-- 
Vecchio: Look Fraser, we are talking to a man who lies with the skill equal only to used car sales men and presidents. 
Ian: Thank you. 
Fraser: Ray if you ignore the facts, you ignore the truth. Now the fact is we have a witness that can co-operate that there was strange activity in Ian's room this morning. 
Vecchio: Yeah and if you asked him who killed Kennedy and where Jimmy Hoffa is then he'd probably tell us that little green men in his basement did it. 
Ian: No that was the mob. 
Vecchio: All right now look, if you can get one truth to come out of his mouth I'll stay but that's the best I can do. 
Fraser: Fair enough. 
Vecchio: All right now what about food can you manage that? 
Receptionist: Try the bar. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
[Leave reception and walk towards bar] 
Vecchio: OK you guys got however long it takes me to chomp down a burger. 
Ian: You guts are going to love this place. It's four star they have the best pickled pork in the Tri State area. 
Vecchio: Friends of yours? 
Ian: Security. 
Fraser: Actually Ian I believe you'll find that the Tri State area actually consists of New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. 
Ian: Well they come from there and everywhere else to here. 
Receptionist [calling after them]: Ian your group is waiting. 
Ian: Could you just hold them on the bus and give them some of those maps to the aliens' homes? Isn't she great? 
Vecchio: Uh huh. 
[The Bar] 
Ian: Well this is it. This is where Audrey and I had our engagement party. It was quite a shindig I can tell you. 
Fraser: Is there anyone you recognize from last night? 
Ian: You know it's hard to say all I could see is Audrey 
Fraser: Well there probably were other witnesses, Ian. 
Vecchio: Yeah well maybe we should ask the space lady here. Excuse me Do you have anything other than the Skywatch burger? 
Space Lady: You're not from around her are you? 
Vecchio: Not unless there are aliens who look like second generation immigrants. 
Ian: Hey I recognize you you were behind the bar last night. 
Space Lady: Yeah and the night before that and the one before that. ]to Ben]I haven't seen you here before. 
Fraser: No Ma'am, I'm from the North West Territories. Now is it possible that if my friend recognizes you from last night that you also might recognize him from last night? 
Space Lady: Why don't you ask him. 
Fraser: Well that's a long story. 
Space Lady: Yeah sure he was here last night. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Well the Space Lady was just saying... 
Vecchio: I heard OK? 
Space Lady: Yes he was sat right there you were here with Audrey McKenna, right? 
Ian: Yes, Audrey, Audrey McKenna. 
Space Lady: Yeah you were in here and she had two cosmopolitans. She never has more than 1. It must have been a good night. 
Vecchio: What you actually saw this man with the woman he says he was with and she was being nice to him? 
Space Lady: He's a quick one! 
Fraser: Well ordinarily yes, can you tell me where we could find this Audrey McKenna? 
Space Lady: She's not a townie, she doesn't talk much about herself or her work which probably means she works at the base. 
Ian: She works at the base, Audrey works at the base. 
Vecchio: This fact never came up? I've given you my lunch hour. I've come all the way out here to Nutsville USA to check out your cock-a-maimy story and canvas suspected aliens only to have the Space Lady tell me that Audrey McKenna may or may not work at a base of which you know nothing about? 
Ian: I knew everything I needed to know about her OK? 
Vecchio: Like what? 
Ian: Like the important stuff, who she was on the inside. I didn't have to ask her a bunch of stupid questions. I took one look at her and I knew who she was. I always have. 
Space Lady: God that's beautiful. 
Ian [smug]: Thanks. 
Vecchio: How long you know her? 
Ian: I don't know, I came in here at 10 o'clock she came in about 10 .30 
Vecchio: You met her last night? 
Ian: It only takes a moment.. My mother said that. 
Space Lady: I thought it was Barbara Striesand. 
Ian: Oh you know my mother? Hey her next album's going to be a killer. 
Vecchio: That's it I'm going home. 
Ian: No please, I made a promise. 
Vecchio: Yeah and she said yes and you gave her a ring and her eyes lit up like it was Christmas. And you all lived happily ever after. 
Ian: No I made a promise to my mother. She gave me that ring before she died and told me to give it to the one woman I truly loved and care for. I told her I would give it to the one woman I would be faithful to for the rest of my life not like my father. Please You've got to help me. I have to find her. 
Fraser: We should go to the base with him. 
Vecchio: The US army base. 
Fraser: Yes 
Vecchio: Fraser, the army does not like civilians snooping around their back yards they kind of respond with ordinance. 
Ian: No problem I'll show them the pass I got from desert storm 
Fraser: Excuse me could you direct us to the base? 
Space Lady: Yeah you make a left up the road it's about five miles. 
Fraser: Thank you . He made a promise to his mother Ray. 
Vecchio: OK I'll give you an extension. 
Ian: Till when? 
Vecchio: Till I change my mind. 
Fraser: Fair enough thank you kindly. 
[On the bus] 
Ian: 1984 10pm Tuesday. A little red blip appears in the radar screen at the Illinois Weather Tracking Station. At first the radar technician thinks nothing of it, he thinks that it's an air craft, but when that little red blip breaks up into four other blips and starts flying off in separate directions he knows something is amiss. Ladies and Gentlemen I now ask you to close your eyes and imagine yourselves back in that radar station. 
Vecchio: Why am I already regretting this? 
Fraser: I can't imagine. 
Vecchio: We don't even know what she looks like. 
Ian [gets photo from pocket]: Engagement photos. 
Vecchio: They're from a dollar photo booth. 
Ian: well, Of course they are. After what happened with her brother and Princess Di, Audrey's family didn't want the pictures falling into the hands of the tabloids.... By the time Norad received the mystery signal hundreds of fighter pilots had been deployed. 10.15 Sam Norbutts farm. Lights of red, green and blue descend and encircle his barn. Hundreds of telephone calls swarm the Everstow Police Department. Our men in blue spray into action. Squad cars are scattered all over the city responding to reported sightings of Unidentified flying objects. Ladies and Gentlemen to your immediate right the site of the first reported landing of alien spaceship. Right there beyond the trees. 
Vecchio: How does it feel to belong to the same gene pool? 
Fraser: What do you mean Ray? 
Vecchio: He's bilking them. 
Fraser: Well they seem happy enough. 
Vecchio: Hey when does the real estate scam kick in? 
Ian: These people are from the Sunset Retirement home OK? Some of these people haven't been out of their bath robes in 7 years right Murray? 
Murray: 8, Angina. 
Norman [reading sign]: Warning, no trespassing beyond this point photography is prohibited. 
[Murray takes photos] 
Edna: Oh my you are a risk taker. 
Betty: Oh I love a man that lives on the edge. 
Edna: Shut up. 
Norman [reading another sign]:There it is I can read the sign. Restricted area : no entry use of deadly force authorized. 
Betty: Oh this is so exciting. 
Vecchio: All right let me handle this. 
Ian]Speaking into intercom]: Hello 
'Brad': State your business. 
Ian: Hi how are you today? 
'Brad': State your business. 
Ian: Is that Brad? Brad 'the bad' Wilson? hey hey it's me Ian McDonald 2nd battalion Sports Guard, how're you doing? 
'Brad': This is not Brad Wilson and if you do not clearly state your business we will enforce military law. 
Ian: Oh well I'm here to pick up my fiancée Audrey McKenna. 
'Brad': We do not have anyone of that name here Sir. 
Ian: Well that's kind of weird I mean she told me to meet her right here by the front gate. Just tell her I'm here. 
'Brad': You will proceed no further and you will turn that vehicle around immediately. 
Fraser: I don't think that's probably what... 
Vecchio: Ian stop the van. 
'Brad': Security breach at gate 2 security breach at gate 2. 
Vecchio: Ian stop the damn van. 
Ian: I'm doing it 
Vecchio: We got company. 
'Company': All those inside the bus exit with you hands above your head. You are all under arrest. 
Vecchio: OK boys no need to panic hold your friendly fire. 
Fraser: All right Everyone stay calm, just do what they say. 
Ray [to Ian]: Yeah and you keep talking ]to Ben]any luck they'll shoot him 
[Fraser nods] 
Fraser: Good afternoon, my name is Constable Benton Fraser this is my wolf Diefenbaker. May I? and now introducing from the left [guns point at him] Understood. 
'Company': This is a maximum security military base what part of 'don't move' didn't you understand? 
Ian: Brad you've changed man, we were such good friends. Compadres we swore we'd go down together. 
Vecchio: Excuse me could you shoot him? 
Fraser: If I may explain this gentleman's fiancée. 
Ian: Audrey McKenna 
Fraser: Yes, she either is or once was an employee at this base and we were wondering if perhaps you could shed some light on a rather sudden disappearance. 
Murray: Yes take us to your leader 
'Company': Take these, leave two men with the others. 
Jane: Have you seen my son, he's a pilot you know. 
Soldier: No Ma'am. 
[Office] 
Colonel: Aliens ha.. well Mr. McDonald if your fiancée has indeed been captured by creatures from outer space I'm afraid I can provide you with little comfort. This base is military, pure and simple, not withstanding your brochure. 
Ian: Haha well you can laugh all you want but that's a very high quality program and what about Audrey does she work here or not? 
Colonel: Well she's your fiancée I would think you would know huh? Lieutenant! 
Lieutenant: There is no Audrey McKenna on the personelle roster I've checked the computer back 10 years. 
Vecchio: What a shock. 
Colonel: Sorry we can't help you detective. 
Vecchio: No problem Colonel sorry for the intrusion. 
Fraser: Is it possible you might recognize this woman perhaps by a different name? 
Colonel: I'm afraid we still can't help you. She's very beautiful though, you two make a lovely couple. I err hope you find her. 
Ian: Oh really then why don't you just tell me where she is then huh? 
Fraser: Thank you Colonel. 
Ian: Can you believe him huh? No wait a second don't you people see a cover up. Ohh you tell me aliens are just going to fall out of the sky.. 
Fraser: Thank you 
Ian: ... and US army is just going to let them snatch people away. 
Vecchio: Come on COME ON you don't want to get arrested. 
Ian: No wait a second. 
'Brad': Continue surveillance Sir? 
Colonel: Yes keep an eye on them until they leave town. And get me the lab. 
[Outside in the base] 
Fraser: They know her or at least they know who she is. 
Vecchio: Junior officer Right? I noticed that, his eyes right just before he talked about Audrey he looked away. 
Fraser: He didn't even look at the picture. 
Vecchio: And what about the colonel he didn't even blink. 
Fraser: Not once. 
Vecchio: Yeah bet he's in on it too. 
Fraser: I think so yes. 
Vecchio: So how do you know? Sweat? 
Fraser: No 
Vecchio: Shallow breathing? 
Fraser: N. O. 
Vecchio: Dilated pupils? 
Fraser: Not that I noticed. 
Vecchio: So how do you know? 
Fraser: His table top. 
Vecchio: His table top? 
Fraser: His table top Ray Audrey McKenna's file was on his table top. 
Vecchio: What? 
Ian: That was Audrey in the red parka. I just saw her get into that Bronco. 
Vecchio: Oh come on... 
Ian: Right what was I thinking [Ian runs after Audrey. Ben and Ray run after an] 
'Brad': Mission, the rockets on the loose again...]to Ben and Ray] Get in the Colonel wants to see you. 
[Ian has been caught] 
Ian: I demand you take me to the colonels office when my grandfather Admiral Nimmits finds out about this HOHO you people are in some serious trouble. You guys do not want to mess with the man who beamed up their battle ship I'll tell you right now. 
Ian: Audrey! 
Johnson: Get your hands off me. 
Ian: What have you done to Audrey? 
Colonel: Gentlemen I thought we'd covered this ground. Do you know this man? 
Johnson: No Sir. 
Colonel: Have you ever seen him before today? 
Johnson: No Sir. 
Colonel: Your friend here seems to think that Specialist Johnson is this person Audrey. In fact he chased her half way across the base endangering himself and members of my command. No if you don't mind my assistant and I have reports to get back to. And Gentlemen if I catch you or your friend here on the base no matter how good the reason I'll arrest you, call your superior officers and make sure that traffic duty is all either of you ever see for a very, very long time. Do I make myself plain? 
Fraser: Very plain Sir. 
Vecchio: Come on Ian. 
Ian: I saw her it's true. 
Colonel: Gentlemen. 
Fraser: Yes Colonel 
Ian: You guys don't believe anything. 
[Ian, Ben and Ray leave and Audrey enters.] 
Colonel [to Audrey: You've put this project in jeopardy I can not allow that. 
[The Sky watch] 
Jane: Watch the sky Norman do you think that's them? 
Norman: Where? 
Jane: That little twinkling light. 
Edna: It's shaped like a flying saucer. 
Betty: Oh don't be silly, Edna, saucers were just made up. No, it'll look like the shuttle you know a plane with rocket boosters. 
Edna: You think so? 
Betty: Oh yes. 
Jane: Our son flies planes. 
Norman: Not any more dear he died in the war. 
Jane: That's what they said but I think he's up there with them. 
Edna: What do you think Mr. Gleams? 
Murray: I think this chair is killing me. 
[Betty and Edna fuss over him] 
Murray: No no no stay where you are. 
Ian [sat with Fraser and Ray slightly away from the rest of the group]: It's a star I mean you'd think when people get to a certain age they'd stop kidding themselves. 
Vecchio: Look who's talking like the pot calling the kettle black. Your story' nothing but full of milarky. 
Ian: Hey my story is not Milarky 
Vecchio: Your Story's full of milarky you know it and I know it and he knows it. 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Audrey McKenna's file was on the desk in that base and yet no one seems willing to admit that she was even vaguely connected to it. Don't you find that even vaguely curious? 
Ian: You're wrong about that my friend. 
Vecchio: I am not wrong and I am not your friend OK. This whole thing is a figment of you imagination. 
Ian: No man no. She made a big mistake and when she realizes it she's going to come running back to me. 
Vecchio: All right that's it that's it. Time to make a call pal. 
Ian: Well you don't think she's crying her eyes out right now? 
Vecchio: Not unless she's cutting onions. 
Ian: Ooh your harsh man, you're really harsh. 
Fraser: Ray! 
Vecchio: Look sooner or later he's going to have to face the facts. All right now look kid you're not the first guy to be taken to the cleaners. 
Fraser: What Ray is trying to say is.. 
Vecchio: What Ray is trying to say is a girl sees a guy in a bar namely you. She's got maybe half an hour to kill. Now your not the best looking guy in the joint but compared to the locals you're Brad Pitt. She bats her eyelids at you, she gets you into bed and after your fifteen minutes are up she takes your ring on the way out the door as a souvenir. It happens. We've both been there. We all know the drill. 
Ian: Yeah, yeah, yeah I forgot about the drill. 
Fraser: Well that really, well that really seems to have helped Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah you to go, go, leave me here to look for aliens. ... No such thing. 
Betty: They're going to miss the skywatch. 
Edna [To Dief]: Such a good eater.. Do you like dogs? 
Murray: Fur, gives me hives. 
Jane: Son? 
[By the Van, Ben and Ian are the only ones there] 
Fraser: That's it then. 
Ian: He's right I'm an idiot. I know a girl for 45 minutes and all of a sudden I want to marry her and then I give her my mother's ring, just like that. 
Fraser: So you're packing it in, you're going to leave? 
Ian: 35 years she wore that ring and she did not take it off once, until the day she died and I gave it away for nothing. 
Fraser: How do you know it was for nothing? 
Ian: Because she told me OK? 
Fraser: Oh she did.. when? In the bar? 
Ian: She told me. 
Fraser: When, while she was being abducted by aliens? 
Ian: She told me wh.. 
Fraser: When Ian When did she tell you? You see she didn't tell you anything. Now I would imagine that you're afraid to find out but your alternative is that you live the rest of your life wondering now we will find Audrey and when we do you can ask her for yourself. 
[Ian hugs Fraser] 
Fraser: OK OK That's good, that's enough. 
Ian: I wanna, I have something for you just hang on.. stay here.. don't peak, close your, close your eyes don't peak. 
Fraser: All right. ]Ian drives off] No no Ian that's not what I meant. 
Vecchio: Oh great! 
[Fraser chases after the Van and jumps on it : A helicopter is also chasing the van. Meanwhile Audrey is in the lab and some new developments are taking place.] 
Technician #1:OK we've got something coming up here this could be it. 
Voice from helicopter: Stop the truck, pullover, pull over and stop. Stop the truck. 
Fraser: Ah Ian I think right now might be quite a good time.. 
[Ian leaps out of the truck and runs off jumping on to the back of another vehicle then into a building where he runs into a technician 
Ian: Look Gerry, sorry I can't chat, nice to see you. 
Fraser to 'Gerry': Excuse me have you seen... ['Gerry' points] Thank you. 
Audrey: Let's hope it's not another weather balloon. 
Technician#1: No this looks like the real thing. 
Audrey: We've got contact, let's get ready people. 
Technician#1: 7 miles and closing 
Audrey: Tracking craft out to boundary markers. 
[Ray is with two soldiers] 
Soldier: you'll have to speak to the Colonel, Sir, 
Vecchio: He's 5 foot 10 one sixty five all I ask is you let me shoot him first. Come on guys we don't have to do this. 
Soldier: you'll have to speak to the Colonel 
Vecchio: I know I know the Colonel. 
Technician#1: five and closing. 
Audrey: Where's the Colonel? 
Technician#1: Four and closing. 
Audrey: Secure the doors 
Technician#2: Securing doors. 
Ian: Audrey I want the ring back. 
Technician#1: You know him? 
Audrey: Tracking craft in position. 
Ian: It was my mother's ring I made a promise. 
Technician#1: two and closing. 
Ian: Want it back. Well I asked her I want a straight answer. 
[Colonel's office] 
Colonel: Gentlemen In aggregate these charges normally carry penalties of upwards of 30 years. Providing we strike intent to Sedition from the list. A charge that typically involves electricity in concentrations which I assure you, you do not want to experience first hand. Now you have been spared the full wait of these penalties thanks to the intervention of the city of Chicago and the Government of Canada. Both of whom have requested leniency claiming reduced mental capacity. No in the light of the manifest truth of these claims we have no choice but to process and release you. 
Fraser: Thank you Colonel. 
Colonel: You're welcome.... And now Mr. McDonald, on a more private note if I so much as catch sight of you within five miles of this United States Military installation I will personally shoot you right between the eyes with the largest caliber weapon we are currently developing in our research labs is that understood? 
Ian: Boy oh boy when Billy Carter appointed my Uncle to the head of the joint heads of staff that is exactly the kind of threatening behavior he was trying to root out. 
Fraser: Ian! 
Ian: That makes me mad. 
Fraser: IAN! 
Ian: Audrey! 
Audrey: Ian. 
Ian: It's you. 
Audrey: Yeah. 
Ian: Why did you?? 
Audrey: I had to go to work. 
Ian: In the middle of a marriage proposal? 
Audrey: Ian something very important happened here tonight something I have been working on for a long time. 
Ian: What? 
Audrey: It's not something I want to talk about. 
Ian: You mean that, you mean that they came, they actually came? 
Audrey: Well that's the funny thing about the truth isn't it. I mean, You can look at a cloud from one angle and see err... a camel but you can look at the same cloud from a different angle and you see a Barbecue but no matter how you look at it it's still a cloud. 
Ian: Until it rains and then.. 
Audrey: And then it's gone. 
Ian: Yeah I think I understand that. So that's the way it's going to be huh? Me and the kids waiting, dinner on the table cold, family always the last priority. None of us, none of us ever knowing when you're going to tell the truth. That's the way it's going to be? 
Audrey: Do you want your ring back? 
Ian: No I kept my promise you keep that. 
Audrey: You know when we met... 
Ian: It was like magic, like summer lightning you took one look at me and you knew right away I was the one man you were going to spend the rest of your life with. 
Audrey: No, I thought you were cute. You see for me it takes more than 42 minutes. Maybe if we had 43? I'm going to be at the Constellation later. If somebody, say some guy wanted to buy me a Cosmopolitan I probably wouldn't say no. 
Ian: I'll be there. 
Audrey: Then I'll probably see you. 
Ian [silently mouths]: YES! 
Audrey [to another guy]: Colonel's orders. 
Ian: Thanks for all your help guys. Hey guys could you lend me some money? 
Vecchio: What's in it for me? 
Ian: Well you can have the bus. 
Vecchio: What bus it's been confiscated. 
Ian: So we'll steal it back. 
Fraser: IAN! Perhaps we could recover it Ray. 
Vecchio: Well I ain't driving back in that bus. I'd rather hitch hike. 
Ian: And risk arrest? 
Vecchio: You've already been arrested. 
Ian: Shut up 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: And you next time you ask me a hypothetical question. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: The answers no. 
Fraser: That makes no sense Ray, hypothetically 
[Sky watchers:: There are lights and you get the feeling a space ship has just taken off] 
Jane: Good bye Son.

End of Starman
 
 
 

Some Like It Red 

[in alley] 
AL: It's nice. It's very nice. Once again you're a regular Bonnie Parker kid. 
Murph: I told you. 
AL: Yes, you did. 
Murph: and I also told you there's more where that came from. 
AL: Yes you did. 
Murph: good. Then this time I want - [he grabs her and pushes her to the hood of his car] 
AL: No, this time I do the telling and I want you to stop yanking my chain. Stop laying games. I want the rest of that stuff and I want it tonight. 
Murph: Look, I told you it is not that easy- 
AL: I don't think you heard me. I said-[she pulls a gun and he lets her go] Don't hurt yourself with that. 
Murph: Don't try and hold me. 
AL: Why? And get shot? Huh uh. But I'll be seeing you again cookie. I want what you got. 
[bar] 
Fraser: I can't thank you enough Ray. 
Vecchio: Well you're right about that. So why's Thatcher so hot to get this hooch, anyway. 
Fraser: Well, the superintendent General is due in from Moose Jaw today and apparently he's quite particular to it. Inspector Thatcher is nothing if not gracious. 
Vecchio: Well, next time try and tell me sooner, okay? Yo, Murph. 
Murph: Yo, Ray. Good to see you lad. 
Vecchio: I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine. Benny Fraser, Kevin Murphy. 
Murph: Pleasure. 
Fraser: Like wise. 
Murph: He told me you were in a jam. Glad to help out. 
Fraser: I very much appreciate that sir. 
Vecchio: Murph's the Man, Fraser. He collects hooch the way my sister collects losers. You know what his nickname is? 
Fraser: I haven't a clue. 
Vecchio: The Whiskey King of the Windy City. Isn't that great? 
Fraser: Now see, Ray, I find that difficult to believe, in that nicknames generally tend to be a bit shorter...Whiskey King or Windy Guy. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well, that's his nickname, all right? The Whiskey King of the Windy City. You ask anybody. 
Fraser: Excuse me, sir, what is the bartender's nickname? 
Guy: Murph. 
Murph: There you are boys. My last bottle of Glenndolane 
scotch whiskey. That's sheer drops of the angel of my own granddad use to call it. This might be the last bottle in the city. It's a shame to part with it. 
Vecchio: Yeah but five hundred American ought to dull the pain, huh Murph? 
Murph: It might Ray, that it might. Show me the color of your money, she's all yours. 
[as Fraser counts it out, Ray spots someone] 
Vecchio: Annie? Annie McGray? 
Annie: Ray? Ray Vecchio. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Annie: Hi. 
Vecchio: Hi. You uh...you look like a uh...are you a? 
Annie: A nun. 
Vecchio: You're a nun! You're a nun. 
Annie: You're surprised. 
Vecchio: Yeah, I'm surprised. How long have you been uh...you been good? 
Annie: I - yeah. Actually Ray, I'm in bit of a hurry. I'm trying to find this girl. Does she look familiar? Her names Celine. She's the one on the right. 
Vecchio: uh, she looks a little young to be making the bar scene. 
Annie: She is. False ID's are easy to come by these days. I usually find her in one of these places on Rush Street. 
Vecchio: Well, if you want I could put some manpower on it. Believe it or not, I'm a cop. 
Annie: Oh, no. no. that's fine. Thanks Ray. Good to see you. 
Vecchio: Annie. 
Guy in bar: Did we forget our listening ears? 
Vecchio: No pal, did you? [the two of them scuffle, Dief whines, Fraser looses the bottle and it breaks] 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
Murph: Sorry lad. No refunds. 
[Ray rushes out but she's gone. 
[at St. Fortuna School] 
Vecchio: Annie? Excuse me. Annie? Do you have a minute? 
Annie: See you girls later. [to Ray] Ray, I'm sorry about last night. 
Vecchio: You're sorry. I almost got my head bashed in. 
Annie: Yeah, well, I'm glad you didn't. I just don't want the police involved. 
Vecchio: Look, forget the police. This is me alright? Now I did a little checking and I found out you're a big shot around here. I also found out that the girl you're looking for is one of your students. 
Annie: Yes and I can find her myself. She's done this before. 
Vecchio: Look, maybe I can help. Will you let me do this for you? 
Annie: Off the record? 
Vecchio: Yeah, off the record. Now I'm gonna have to ask some questions. You know, turn over some rocks. 
Annie: No, that's exactly what I don't need. The cops barging in here upsetting the girls. I'll tell you what's going on as long as it stays between us. Okay? 
Vecchio: Well I don't know if I can do that. 
Annie: Ray! 
Vecchio: Of course, just between you and me. 
Annie: You haven't changed since high school. [he laughs]Come on in. 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: So the kids today turn out to be pretty wild. She likes to run away. And Annie tracks her down. Now Annie doesn't want to report it because if she does, she's going to be sent home and home isn't a pretty place. Three stepfathers in the past six years. But this time there's something different going on. Some of the girls are getting out of hand. Check this out. [hands Fraser a gun] 
Fraser: Interesting. A hildebrand Yankee 38. You don't see these very often. 
Vecchio: no. that's why I ran the numbers on it. You're never gonna guess who it's register to. 
Fraser: Elliott Ness? 
Vecchio: How did you know that? 
Fraser: Well it's quite simple, Ray. 
Vecchio: No simple for you is some long drawn out story from you from your grandmother's library in Runamukluk. 
Fraser: Well, actually, it is quite simple. It's engraved right here. 'E. Ness.' Now guessing that the 'E' stood for Eliot was just inspiration. 
Vecchio: Here. Give me that. You're not suppose to be carrying a gun anyway. 
Fraser: Tu7ktoyaktuk. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: You said 'Runamukluk' I assume you're referring to the time when my grandmother moved her traveling library to Tuktoyaktuk. 
Vecchio: Oh, Tuk-toy-ak-tuk, Runamukluk - what's the difference? 
Fraser: Well about 2000 kilometers. 
Vecchio: Is that necessary? 
Fraser: Not entirely, no. 
Vecchio: Okay, so the question is, how does a 16 year old Catholic schoolgirl get a hold of the gun owned by the man who brought down Al Capone? That is the question, not whether or not Tuktoyaktuk and Runamukluk are 2000 miles apart. 
Fraser: Kilometers and I have no idea. 
Vecchio: Well, neither do I. When Annie told me she found the gun in Celine's room, I knew she was in real trouble. That's why I've been on the phone all morning beating the bushes for a likely recruit. Annie's going to let me plant a teacher on the inside to get a lead on this Celine girl. The only catch is, it can't be a cop and she's got to be a woman. 
[they get out and go to a door] 
Fraser: So have you found someone? 
Vecchio: Yeah, Brenda Luisi. She retired from the force last year. I'm just going to drop these plans for the school off. 
Fraser: Oh Ray, this is for you. [a note. Fraser opens it] Oh the poor girl. She's broken her leg. 
Vecchio: She broke her leg? How could she break her leg? I just spoke to her an hour ago. 
Fraser: She's staying at her mother's house. 
Vecchio: I can't let Annie down. Alright look, I've got to have somebody in there first thing in the morning. I'm going to go back to the office and make some calls. Could I drop you off somewhere? 
Fraser: No, that's alright. I'm a [looks around and points] I'm going over here. 
[27th precinct. Extremely nice pair of ankles pass through the shot, down the stairs, pan up the figure as she turns into bull pin. We see her back. Huey looks her over appreciatively] 
Elaine [to woman]: Niman's brand isn't it? 
Ms. Fraser: Sears. 
Elaine: Really? It's looks fabulous on you. 
Ms. Fraser: Thank you. 
[Welsh spots her] 
Welsh: I'll call ya back. Hello, I'm Lt. Welsh. Is there anything I can assist you with? 
Ms. Fraser: I'm here to see Detective Vecchio. 
Welsh: He's office is right around here. I'll escort you personally. 
Ms. Fraser: That really won't be necessary. 
Vecchio: Samantha, come on. I'm dying here. Yeah, I had somebody but she fell through. [Ms. Fraser sits down at Ray's desk] Look, it's just for a couple of days, I'll pay you out of my own pocket. [to Ms. Fraser] I'll be right with you. Look, look, Sam, school gave you allergies because somebody was grading you. This time you're gonna be the one doing the grading. Thanks for nothing. Elaine! 
Ms. Fraser: I'll do the job. 
Vecchio: I don't even know who you are. 
Ms. Fraser: Actually I believe you do. 
Vecchio: I'm sorry, I don't. 
Ms. Fraser: Ray, it's me. 
Ray [looking her over: Fraser? 
[walking down the street] 
Vecchio: You're not gong to fool anyone in drag. 
Ms. Fraser: Well I fooled you Ray. 
Vecchio: Ah, this is crazy. I know I'm in a bind and I need some help but this is going to far. 
Ms. Fraser: Well I'm sure if the situation were reversed you'd do exactly the same for me. 
Vecchio: Not in a million years. 
Ms. Fraser: Really? 
Vecchio: I'd never be caught dead in drag. 
Ms. Fraser: Well there's nothing to be ashamed of Ray. In fact, certain tribes in the northwest - T'glinket believe a man should experience life as a woman in order to be a better husband- 
Vecchio: Alright, alright. Okay, but it's only because I'm in a bind. Now, I'll run it by Sister Ann and if she says it's okay, then we'll do it but if anyone gets wise, it just wasn't my idea. Do you understand? 
Ms. Fraser: Understood. Oh, one other question. Do you think teal is my color or should I lean toward mustard? 
Vecchio: Who cares? 
Ms. Fraser: Well I do. 
[at the school] 
Annie: When Ray told me he was sending help to find Celine I had no idea this is what he meant. 
Ms. Fraser: Well neither did he. And I'll confess there are certain aspects of this assignment that are beyond the scope of my training. 
Annie: I can see that. 
Ms. Fraser: You can? 
Annie: Um, you-you've got a tag hanging from your wig. 
Ms. Fraser: Rectified. 
Annie: I think you'll find they're rather a spirited class. I hope you're prepared. [passing a boy on a ladder] That's Todd Scollick. By the attitude you'd think he ran the place. He isn't much of a handyman. [entering classroom] You ready? Class. Girls, can I have your attention please. Thank you. Sister Viola is ill today and this is her replacement, Ms. Fraser. Please make her feel welcome. 
Wanda [coughing in hand to cover remark of:} Yeah, right. 
Annie: Wanda, would you like to repeat that? 
Wanda: I didn't say anything sister. 
Annie: Good luck. 
Wanda: She's going to need it. 
Tiffany: Totally. 
[Wanda spits a spit ball at Ms. Fraser's back, who whips around and catches it] 
Ms. Fraser: I believe this is yours. 
Wanda: You weren't even looking. 
Ms. Fraser: No, its completely unnecessary if you have even the rudimentary understanding of the principals of aerodynamics, wind displacement and trajectory. I'd be happy to explain them to you if you like. 
Wanda: That's okay. 
Ms. Fraser: It's your lose. [walks around with seating chart] Are you Melissa? 
Melissa: Uh huh. 
Ms. Fraser: Oh, this is you. It's very good. 
Murph: Thanks. 
Ms. Fraser: She seems a little sad, don't you think? 
Murph: I guess. 
Ms. Fraser: [hmms and starts manipulating the face of the clay figure]Smile. No, really smile. Smile. That's it. Who's work is that? 
Murph: Oh that's Celine's. 
Ms. Fraser: She's not here? 
Wanda: Celine took off. 
Ms. Fraser: Oh. And where did she go? 
Wanda: Ask Ducky. 
Murph: My name is Melissa. 
Wanda: She's Celine's little gopher. 
Tiffany [Wanda's little gopher]: Totally. 
Murph: That's not true. 
Ms. Fraser: There. It takes seven fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Save your energy, you're going to need it in your child-bearing years. 
[hall] 
Annie: So did they eat you alive? 
Ms. Fraser: Although I confess I was extremely nervous. The girls are very sweet. And uh, I did make contact with Melissa although she wasn't very forth coming about Celine. 
Annie: She thinks she's protecting her. 
Ms. Fraser: That's what friends do for each other. [they separate and Ms. Fraser goes up stairs...followed by Ray] 
Vecchio: Psst. Fraser! 
Ms. Fraser: Ray, what are you doing here? 
Vecchio: Look, I've been over Rush Street and The Loop and Lincoln Park putting the word out on Celine. Nothing. Since I was in the neighborhood, I figured I'd come by and see how you were doing. 
Ms. Fraser: Oh, still to early to tell. 
Vecchio: Right-right-right. I see you were speaking to Sister Anne? 
Ms. Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: That's good. That's really really good. Uh...did my name come up? 
Ms. Fraser: I can't say as it did. No. is there something on your mind Ray? 
Vecchio: No-na-na...Well, sine you asked, if my name does come up, now, I'm not asking you to twist her arm or anything but I'm just kinda curious what she thinks of me. You know, if she's holding a grudge or anything. 
Ms. Fraser: A grudge? 
Fraser: Well, you know Sister Ann and I were, you know, used to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, before she was Sister Ann. And uh, ya know, things were going along and I wanted to get a little more intimate, you know, do more of the boyfriend / girlfriend stuff, if you know what I mean? 
Ms. Fraser: All too clearly. 
Vecchio: Okay, so there we were, doing a little bit of this a little bit of that and all of a sudden her ol' man comes bursting through the door and he blows up like Krakatoa! He starts calling me all kinds of terrible names and forbids her from ever seeing me again. It was ugly, Fraser. 
Ms. Fraser: I can imagine. 
Vecchio: Alright. So the question is, do you think that someone can get over that? You know, take it in stride and move on with their lives? 
Ms. Fraser: Ray, are you asking this question because...[Ray nods] and you think she became [Ray nods and Ms. Fraser gives him a look] 
Vecchio: I knew it. Thanks. 
[Melissa's room] 
Murph: Ms. Fraser. 
Ms. Fraser: Are you alright? 
Murph: Yeah, I'm okay. 
Ms. Fraser: You seemed upset earlier. 
Murph: No, I'm alright. 
Ms. Fraser: Can I come in? 
Murph: Um, I guess. 
Ms. Fraser: You're worried about Celine, aren't' you? 
Murph: Oh, she'll be okay. I mean, I'm sure she'll be okay. She always comes back. 
Ms. Fraser: And you and she are best friends. 
Murph: Well, she's the only one here I trust. Nobodies ever really who they say they are. 
Ms. Fraser: Do you know where she is? 
Murph: No I-I know she disappeared. 
Ms. Fraser: Well, let's see what we can see. This is Celine's side? Her school blazers still here which indicates she changed into her street clothes before leaving which means she probably wasn't' kidnapped. On the other hand, this collection of stuffed animals suggests that she had to leave before she had time to pack her favorite things. 
Murph: Hey, you're pretty good. [Ms. Fraser sniffs shoe] You really don't want to be doing that. Those are her gym shoes. 
Ms. Fraser: I think she does more than gym in these shoes. There are traces of limestone and fungus. Or is it mold? 
Murph: Ew, Miss, you really don't want to be doing that. 
Ms. Fraser: Fungus [sits on bed] Huh. Boing, boing, boing [as she bounces] 
Murph: What are you doing? 
Ms. Fraser: That's interesting. The springs 14 through 18 are out of line. May I? 
Murph: Yes. [Ms. Fraser feels under the mattress] 
Ms. Fraser: Does Celine have uh, problems with her back? 
Murph: Sometimes. 
Ms. Fraser: A diary. 
Murph: That's her diary, you don't want to read that. She's my friend. 
Ms. Fraser: I understand. 
Murph: You mean you're not if I don't give it to you? 
Ms. Fraser: Not if you don't want to. 
Murph: Yeah, but you're a teacher. 
Ms. Fraser: That doesn't mean I can't respect peoples decisions. We'll just have to find another way to help Celine. And of course that is what she needs right now. She needs our help. 
Murph: Ms. Fraser? Don't tell Celine I gave it to you. [gives her the diary] 
[Ray is driving the Riv, Ms. Fraser is in the back seat changing clothes] 
Vecchio: Fraser. 
Fraser: Hm humm? 
Vecchio: Aw you're not even listening. What are you doing back there? 
Fraser: Well I'm changing and I'm reading Celine's diary. Listen. "The scent of pungent flowers drifted into the crypt like gossamer lace as my love took me into his powerful arms and made love to me. 
Vecchio: The girl's a poet. 
Fraser: Hm humm. 
Vecchio: What is going on back there? 
Fraser: Well let me tell you something Ray, I think that the person who invented panty hose should be brought up on charges of cruelty, sadism and reckless endangerment. They pinch in the most inappropriate places. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well most people who wear em don't have those places, Benny. 
Fraser: I got a run. [in his nylons] 
Vecchio: What else does the diary say? 
Fraser: Um. "Cries of ecstasy burst from me as the fire had branded the depths of my soul with a love that could never be quenched. I gift to him with a treasure of gold and time and he gifted me with his love. 
Vecchio: I'm no English major but that stuff is so purple I'm getting diabetes. 
Fraser: You just mixed a metaphor, Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well I said I was no English major. Well it sounds like to me if we find the guy with the powerful arms, the unquenchable fire, that's the guy who has her. 
Fraser: Well, yes, I think you're right. 
Vecchio: Now did she say anything else about the guy like height weight hair color, distinguishable marks, that sort of thing? 
Fraser: Ray, it's a diary, it's not a police report. However, I did notice that the handyman Todd was wearing a watch and not just any ordinary watch, Ray, it was a vintage 1930 audemares-piquet, moon phase chronometer in 18 carrot gold. Only 100 were made. 
Vecchio: Yeah, she gifted her lover with time and gold. 
Fraser: Precisely. 
Vecchio: Alright, I'll go check out this Todd guy while you make out your report. 
Fraser: Right. 
Vecchio: Oh and Benny before I drop you off? 
Fraser: Uh huh? 
[Ray circles around his own ear with his finger, Fraser looks in the mirror and removes the ear rings. 
[Consulate] 
Thatcher: I gave you one job Fraser, albeit a menial one nevertheless one which would allow me to brighten the life of a man that I respect more than anyone else in this force. A man who I hold dearer than my own father. 
Fraser: I'm working on it. 
Thatcher: I've seen you track a snowflake back from the cloud it came from. Finding one single bottle of scotch whiskey can't be that hard. 
Fraser: You wouldn't think so, no. 
Thatcher: No, you wouldn't. is that perfume I smell Fraser? 
Fraser: Passion flower, ma'am. 
[Ray's desk] 
Vecchio: Yeah, that's right. Glenndolane. Not since 1965? Oh come on Sulley, you've got to do better than that. Oh yeah and when you wanted the parking tickets fixed who did you call, huh? Yeah, thanks for nothing. 
Elaine: Ray, I got the address on Todd Scollick. 420 West Lexington. 
Vecchio: Nice neighborhood. 
Elaine: You want to hear his history? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Elaine: He went down for grand theft auto in '94, the school put him on the work release program to integrate him back into society. 
Vecchio: Well it looks like old Todd integrated himself back into the slammer. 
[Pawn shop] 
Celine: Look, are you interested or not. There's lots of other places we could take it. 
Johnstone: No, it's quite nice. 
Celine: Alright so how much? 
Johnstone: Well, it's all based on how much I can get for it and a piece like this rarely- 
Todd: If you don't want it, it's okay. 
Johnstone: It doesn't mean I won't give you a fair price. I was thinking something in the neighborhood of a hundred dollars. 
Celine: that's the wrong neighborhood. 
Johnstone: Two hundred. That's all you'll get anywhere. 
Celine: Done. 
Johnstone: It is a lovely piece. You mind if I ask you where you came across it? 
Celine: Yeah. You know what? I do. 
[they leave and Johnstone makes a call. Across the street in an apartment building, Ray knocks on a door] 
Vecchio: Chicago PD open up. 
[street] 
Todd: That antique dealer was asking too many questions. 
Celine: What do we care? We're out of here, right? Right? Give me a hug Todd. 
[they pause, hug, blue van slowly approaches. Ray just used a wire to gain access in Todd's apartment, back to street] 
Celine: It's that guy from the antique store. We should get out of here. [they run, a car hits Todd. Ray looks out a window to see what is happening, then gets to the scene ASAP] 
Vecchio: Police. Call 911. 
[the school] 
Annie: Murph. 
Murph: Yes Sister Ann? 
Annie: I have some sad news to deliver in Chapel tonight. But uh, I wanted to tell you first. 
Murph: Is it Celine? Is she okay? 
Annie: It's about Todd. 
[Ms. Fraser brings Murph some tea and sits down with her] 
Murph: Celine was only seeing Todd for a couple of months. At first I thought it was just to make her parents crazy. Then I think she was really into him. She can have anyone she wanted, she's so pretty. So popular. And she was really great to me and now I wish she would come home. [starts crying] 
Fraser: Don't. you'll just make your eyes all red for the dance. 
Murph: I don't want to go to the dance anyway. Might as well be invisible. 
Ms. Fraser: You know when I was growing up in the far north I used to watch the girls in the village, the other girls and I would try to figure out exactly what it was that made one girl seem more popular than another or more in demand than another girl. And I used to think it was they were more attractive. 
Murph: Please, please. Don't tell me they want the plain girl cause I already know they don't. 
Ms. Fraser: No actually, they wanted the girls with the sharpest teeth. 
Murph: Sharpest teeth? 
Ms. Fraser: Yes. In the north sharp teeth are very important for cutting leather and manufacturing clothing. 
Murph: So you want me to sharpen my teeth? 
Ms. Fraser: Now that's a thought. No. the point of the story is, it wasn't their teeth that made them popular. It was the self confidence that came from having a purpose and a goal. The young men responded to that. 
Ms. Fraser: Would you accompany me to the dance? 
Melissa: Yeah, I'd like that, thanks. 
[on the way down the hall, Ms. Fraser runs a hand under a desk, smells it, tastes something from the floor...] 
Wanda: We're onto you Miss. 
Tiffany: Totally. 
Wanda: We see the way you're always opening doors for women, the way you're like, incredibly tall and polite. 
Tiffany: Totally. 
Wanda: We hear the way you talk. 
Tiffany: For sure. 
Wanda: You know you can't fool us. 
Tiffany: We should have known it right from the start. 
Wanda: You're - a Canadian. 
Ms. Fraser: Oh. So you think we could keep this between us? 
Tiffany: We'll see. 
[antique store. Ms. Fraser picks up a horn and honks it] 
Vecchio: Put that down. 
Johnstone: Good afternoon. Could I help you find something? 
Vecchio: Well actually someone. We're looking for a missing person. Have you seen this girl? 
Johnstone: Yes. She was in here yesterday. 
Vecchio: Did she say anything about where she had been or where she was going? Anything that might help us? 
Johnstone: Are you her parents? 
Vecchio: No we're just interested parties. Look if she should come back could you give me a call? [writes down his number] 
Ms. Fraser: Excuse me, would it trouble you too much if I had a look at that flask? 
Johnstone: Oh, I see you have a taste for art deco. Now this is a very fine piece. From the early 20's. I just got it in. well are you going to buy it or what? 
Ms. Fraser: [who licks the flask] No. Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm sorry, I can't take her anywhere. If you should see her again, please call me. [Ms. Fraser is waiting at the door. Waiting for Ray to open it] What? You can't get it yourself? 
[outside] 
Vecchio: What were you doing? 
Ms. Fraser: I recognize the spores on the flask Ray. It comes from the same fungus I found on the bottom of Celine's shoes. 
Vecchio: Which means? 
Ms. Fraser: Which means that she found the flask somewhere on the grounds of the school, snuck it out and came here to sell it. 
Vecchio: So she's moving the stuff out of the school 
Ms. Fraser: It would appear. And that's not all. There was a name engraved on the bottom of the flask. Frank Netti. 
Vecchio: Ah, Al Capones right hand man. Frank Nitti's flask, Elliot Ness' gun. What is this? A garage sale for the Untouchables? 
Ms. Fraser: Well, if we can establish-Ray! [Ray has gone to the driver's side of car and hasn't opened the door for her] Manners. 
Vecchio: Ya know Benny, there's a limit. 
Ms. Fraser: A limit to good etiquette? I think not, Ray. [Ray does open the door for her] 
Vecchio: Just get in the car before I beat you with our purse. 
[antique shop] 
Johnstone: You find the school with these uniforms, we find the girl's stash. 
Al: Aw, there must be 30 schools with uniforms like that. 
Johnstone: With this crest? 
[school] 
Celine: Mel. 
Melissa: Celine? Oh my God. When I heard about Todd...are you okay? 
Celine: Not really, no. 
Melissa: I don't know what to say to you. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything? 
Celine: Yeah. Will you come with me? 
Melissa: Celine, you mean runaway? Why can't you just stay in school? 
Celine: Todd and I had such great plans. I-I have to do this for him. 
Melissa: Celine, but it's dangerous. 
Celine: Not if we get the rest of the stuff tonight. You have to come with me Mel, you're my best friend aren't' you? 
Melissa: Of course I'm your best friend- 
Celine: And-and best friends they stick together right? 
Melissa: They stick together but that doesn't necessarily mean that we run away. 
Celine: You can start living your life. And we'll be, we'll be rich. Listen, just meet me at the steam tunnels tonight, okay? 8:00. We'll get the rest of the stuff and we'll get out of this hell hole for good. Okay? 
Melissa: I love you. 
Celine: I love you too. 8:00 okay? 
Melissa: Okay. 
[at a home for elderly] 
Ray; Hey, how's he doing? 
Nurse: Oh, he's fine. 
Vecchio: Hey, Uncle Lorenzo! 
Lorenzo: Who's that? 
Ray; It's me, Little Ray. 
Lorenzo: Stand out here where I can see ya. Keep your hands out in the open. 
Vecchio: Don't you remember? I came by at Christmas. I brought you chocolate cigars? 
Lorenzo: Yeah. Maybe I see it now. I can't be too careful you know. I hear a crew out of Deerborn Park is looking to give me some swimming lessons. 
Vecchio: Look, Uncle Lorenzo, I gotta ask you some questions. 
Lorenzo: Everybody's asking me some questions. 
Vecchio: About a gun. Elliot Ness' gun. 
Nurse: Medicine time. 
Lorenzo: Go on, get out of here. Look it Little Ray, anyone gets wind of this, I'm gonna wish the Deerborn Park got me. 
Vecchio: I understand. 
Lorenzo: Al's got it. 
Vecchio: Capone? 
Lorenzo: Shut up! What are you trying to do? Get me killed? 
Vecchio: Are you telling me that Al Capone has Elliott Ness' gun? 
Lorenzo: He did. The word is Vido swindled him out of it along with the rest of the stuff. 
Vecchio: The rest of what stuff? Who's Vido? 
Lorenzo: Vido Masushi. Al's brother-in-law. Don't you read the papers? 
Vecchio: I've been kind of busy. 
Lorenzo: Eh, he'd been taking from everyone. Capone, Netti, all the big boys. He's building himself up a nice stash. Gold, furs, hooch. The works. 
Ray; It takes a lot of jam to steal from Capone. So how many suits you pull off. 
Lorenzo: The suits got this construction company. And he built the vault under the building he's working on. 
Ray; This vault it wouldn't happen to have been under St. Fortuna would it? 
Lorenzo: Who's been talking? I'm a dead man. 
Vecchio: Look Uncle Lorenzo- 
Lorenzo: Enough said. Get out of here. I don't know you. I never seen you before. I want to be by myself. Everybody who comes here wants information. I'm tired of talking to people. The next thing you know it'll be..... 
[school] 
Johnstone: I'm sorry about this Sister, the pipes burst next door and we were afraid you might have some flooding. You mind if we check? Water damage can be pretty expensive. 
Annie: Oh, no. Please. Thanks for letting us know. The last thing we need is another big expense around here. 
Johnstone: Don't worry Sister, we have everything under control. 
Annie: I hope it won't take long, there's a school dance tonight. 
[that night, at the dance] 
Voice of a girl: And now a favorite from 1978. [Heart of Glass] 
Wanda: These St. Arnold guys are such geeks. 
Tiffany: Totally. 
Ms. Fraser: You know your make up is exquisite. 
Melissa: Thanks. Sister Ann did it. 
Ms. Fraser: You see that young man over by the punch bowl gulping down cup after cup? I think he's trying to work up the courage to come ask you to dance. 
Melissa: Come on, he's not even looking this way. 
Ms. Fraser: You'll have to trust me Melissa that I have a profound understanding of the interior working of a young man's mind. 
Melissa: God, I'm not going to be able to do this. 
Ms. Fraser: Sure you will. 
Melissa: He's coming over. What do I do? 
Ms. Fraser: Show him your teeth. 
Punch bowl boy: Um, do you um want to dance? 
[they go out to the dance floor] 
[Celine is in the basement] 
St. Arnold Teacher: Can't you dance Ms. Fraser? 
Ms. Fraser: Uh, no. Thank you, thank you. I'm just here as an observer. 
St. Arnold Teacher:[takes her by the hand and leads her to dance floor]: Get down already. You can really move for a big woman. [Ms. Fraser giggles] I like big women. More of a good thing, you know. 
Vecchio: I'm cutting in, Jack. 
St. Arnold Teacher: We're not finished. 
Vecchio: Take a hike. 
Ms. Fraser: Thank you. 
Vecchio: You owe me. [he starts dancing] 
Ms. Fraser: For what? 
Vecchio: For saving you from dancing with a guy. 
Ms. Fraser: Well it would appear that I am still dancing with a guy. 
Vecchio: Right. So Ness' gun. 
Ms. Fraser: Keep going or we won't be able to talk. 
Vecchio: Who still disco's? 
Ms. Fraser: The St. Fortuna School apparently. 
Vecchio: That Ness' gun? 
Ms. Fraser: Hm humm. 
Vecchio: And Netti's flask. 
Ms. Fraser: Hm humm. 
Vecchio: It all comes from back in '31 on the school grounds. 
Fraser: Where on the grounds? 
Vecchio: Well that's what no one knows for the last 60 years. Until Celine and Todd found it. They know. 
Ms. Fraser: Ah, well Melissa didn't say anything about this. Which makes me wonder what other things she's kept secret. [looks around for Melissa, but doesn't see her] Sorry, she's gone. 
[Johnstone and Al nab Celine] 
Vecchio: alright, she's gone. I'll take the front, you take the back. 
Ms. Fraser: Ray, wait. [sniffs around. Stops at an older nun and sniffs her feet] 
Nun: Can I help you Ms. Fraser? 
Ms. Fraser: Uh, yes, please, sister. Could you tell me where you've been for the last hour or so? 
Nun: At the print shop in the basement. West wing. 
Fraser: Basement. Thank you. Ray. 
[basement] 
Melissa: Celine? 
Wanda: Where you going Ducky? 
Melissa: Nowhere. 
Tiffany: It doesn't look like it. It looks like she's going somewhere. 
Wanda: You're right, Tess, lets go find out. 
[Celine is tied to a steam pipe] 
Johnstone: Where is it? 
Celine: I don't know. [he lets out some steam] 
Johnstone: Next time you'll be getting the steam cleaning. Oh, Celine, I know where the stuff you've been selling me comes from. I've heard all the stories. Now where is the entrance to the vault? 
Celine: Todd knew where it was. 
Al: Johnstone! 
Melissa: Celine! 
Johnstone: Well, well, well, it's a party. Maybe you'd talk a little batter if it was one of your friends. 
Celine: No. 
Melissa: No. 
Celine: No, please. 
[Ms. Fraser and Ray are in basement, but it's huge] 
Vecchio: How do you know they're in here? 
Ms. Fraser: Fungus, Ray. 
Vecchio: of course. [echo of Ow! Ow! Ow!] Sounds like they're this way. 
Ms. Fraser: Then I suggest we go this way. 
Vecchio: Do I dare ask for an explanation or I just take your word for it? 
Ms. Fraser: Well, it's similar to the Doppler effect, Ray, where in the echoes bounce off the walls of the corridor and the pitch of the sound waves changes and amplifies… 
Vecchio: I'll take your word for it. 
Ms. Fraser: Very good. 
[Celine must have told him where the entrance is cause they are there now] 
Wanda: Oh my God. 
Johnstone: Totally. Al, you come get a load and then come back for some more. 
Wanda: Ow! 
Johnstone: Ladies, you're gonna take a seat over here. 
Ms. Fraser: The girls aren't alone. 
Fraser: The Doppler effect? 
Ms. Fraser: Size 12 running shoe. [to Al] Excuse me. 
Al: Shouldn't you be grading papers or something gorgeous? [Ms. Fraser laughs, then decks Al, takes his gun and hands it to Ray who tucks in away, but still retains his own] 
Johnstone: Drop the gun. Drop it. Drop it. 
Vecchio: You don't want to do this, I'm a cop. 
Johnstone: Well that's too bad. We don't like cops. 
[Melissa sees Celine slip out] 
Melissa: Wait. Celine. Where are you going? 
Johnstone: Never mind them, we got to take care of these nice folks first. 
Melissa: Wait Celine. 
Celine: Come on. We have to get out of here. 
Melissa: No! I can't. I'm not going. I can't leave Ms. Fraser. 
Celine: What are you talking about? They're going to kill us. We've got to get out of here. 
Melissa: No, Celine, I always do what you want but not this time. 
Celine: It's no good for us. Remember we're going to go away. 
Melissa: No, Celine. This is going to be good for you. Ms. Fraser's my friend and I'm not leaving. You can go it you want to. [leaves her standing there] 
Johnstone: You never know. They might find you if they open this place up again in 60 years. 
Melissa: Ms. Fraser! Duck! [throws a bottle, misses everyone, Ms. Fraser and Johnstone scuffle around until Johnstone starts to throw a punch] 
Ms. Fraser: No! No! You wouldn't his a woman would you? [he hesitates, Ms. Fraser knees him, then punches him] 
Celine: This ones for Todd. [throws a bottle] 
[Fraser sees the label on the broken bottle - The Glenndolane -Melissa picks up another bottle and throws it. Ms. Fraser catches it falling to the floor, losing his wig at the same time] 
Melissa: Oh my God! Ms. Fraser, you're a cross-dresser! 
[in front of the school. Paddy wagon cop just closing the door, re lights flashing everywhere, kids milling around the grounds] 
Wanda: We we almost like got killed. 
Tiffany: We almost did get killed you dip. 
Annie: You okay? 
Vecchio: Yeah. You? 
Annie: Yeah. Yeah. The things in the vault will really help the school out. I owe you one Ray. 
Vecchio: Aw, call it even. 
Annie: Even for what? 
Vecchio: You know. You, me, Ricky Stangles basement. It was all my fault. 
Annie: your fault? What? You think you ruined my life? That I had to become a nun? 
Vecchio: Well, I didn't say that. 
Annie: Uh huh. It must feel awful to think you're responsible for the waste of a perfectly good woman. 
Vecchio: I am? 
Annie: No, Ray. Look, I wanted to go to Ricky Stangles basement as much as you did. But after we got caught, I let you take all the blame. I'm the one who owes you an apology, Ray. 
Vecchio: Really? 
Annie: Yeah, I was a coward. After that I decided to never be afraid of my own feelings again. That's what led me here. 
Vecchio: So I'm not going to be struck down by lightening? 
Annie: No, not this time. It would be a waste of a perfectly good man. 
[Fraser is back in uniform. Melissa and he are standing together] 
Fraser: You're very brave Melissa. I'd like to thank you for saving my life. 
Melissa: You lied to me. 
Fraser: About what? 
Melissa: About being a woman. 
Fraser: Oh yes, that. Well, yeah. Yes I did lie about that. Those weren't my clothes, that wasn't my hair. 
Melissa: Those weren't your breasts? 
Fraser: No, those weren't my breasts. But other than that, everything I said was the truth. 
Melissa: Well that's good because the hair color wasn't right anyway. 
Fraser: Oh, thank you. I'll remember that for the next time. 
[Ray and Fraser head for the car] 
Vecchio: You ready? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: You know Benny, you weren't a bad looking woman. 
Fraser: Thank you Ray. 
Ray; Of course, you weren't exactly my type either. 
Fraser: What exactly is your type Ray? 
Vecchio: Well, I like a woman who is kind and honest and a good sense of humor. 
Fraser: Well I don't have those qualities? 
Vecchio: No, no, you do I just like a woman who you know, is a woman. 
Fraser: Well that's-that's just picky Ray. 
Vecchio: Ah don't get in a snit. 
Fraser: Well I'm not. 
Vecchio: Well good. 
Fraser: Well fine. 
Vecchio: So, what you are doing after work? 
Fraser: Nothing with you. 
Ray; You are soooo sensitive.

End of Some Like It Red
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

White Men Can't Jump To Conclusions 

[street] 
Vecchio: This neighborhood makes yours look like Astor Street. 
Fraser: Well this was your recommendation, Ray. 
Vecchio: Linc's the best bindlestitch guy in the world. You got a problem with your footwear, you bring it to Linc. 
Fraser: I agree. These boots are as good as new. Probably the best $125 I ever parted with. 
Vecchio: Yeah. That's something I'll never understand. Why anybody would spend $125 to fix up a stinky old pair of Mountie boots. 
Fraser: Oh, Ray, Ray, Ray. Properly molded boots are a Mountie's prize possession. Well, that and his horse. 
Vecchio: Well we're not picking up your horse. 
Fraser: I don't have a horse. I mean, not here. 
Vecchio: Well, you know, you ought to think about getting one 'cause I'm getting really tired of driving you around. 
[gunshot] 
Fraser: Ray, that was a gunshot. 
Vecchio: Yeah. If we stop for every gunshot we hear in this neighborhood, we'll never get home. 
[gunshot] 
Vecchio: See? 
[gunshot] 
Vecchio: Agh! I'm off duty!. . . You're off duty! And unless somebody shot a moose, you have no jurisdiction! 
Fraser: Oh, pardon me. Excuse me, young man, you're carrying a - 
Vecchio: I'll get the shooter. 
Fraser: I'll get the shootee. . . Hold on, hold on. 
[Vecchio chasing suspect] 
Vecchio: Give it up, man! I can run all day! Don't make me take you down, man! 
[alley] 
Fraser [to victim]: Who did this to you? 
Victim: Nobody. 
Fraser: Hold that there. . . [to passerby] Call 911!. . . [to victim] Come on, give me your hand. 
[chase] 
Vecchio: Oh, for God's sakes. 
[street] 
Fraser [to passersby]: Help. . . Sir, help. . . Is there a phone nearby? 
[another alley] 
Vecchio [to shooter]: Drop the weapon, unless you can fly. . . 
Tyreer: I hate this neighborhood. 
Vecchio: Get your hands on your head. 
[street] 
Onlooker: Good work, Fraser. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: Thank you kindly? Let's just hope my car is still there. 
Fraser: Ray, this was worth it. We saved a life, you made an arrest, and the neighborhood is a safer place. . . Oh, dear. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: My boots are gone. 
Vecchio: It's okay. 
[apartment building - Fraser knocks on door] 
Fraser: Excuse me, I'm looking for a pair of boots - 
[door closes] 
Fraser: . . . RCMP regulation issue, son. I suppose you wouldn't be familiar - 
[door closes] 
Fraser: They're just like the man on the horse is wearing, only mine are somewhat older and therefore more faded. . . 
[door closes]   [Dief barks] 
Fraser: Well no matter what you may think, I remain undeterred. I am convinced that somebody took them in for safekeeping and they are spending as much time looking for me as I am spending looking for them. 
[knocks on door] 
Fraser [to passing resident]: Excuse me, sir, the residents of this unit would appear to be home yet they're not answering the door. 
Resident: Well ain't that a shock. 
Fraser: Were you home yesterday at the time of the incident? 
Resident: Man, let me tell you something. I didn't hear a thing. 
Fraser: Well, actually I'm looking for a pair of - 
[door closes] 
Fraser [to Dief]: Let's go. . . Are you deaf? I mean, I know you are literally deaf - oh, forget it. . . 
[outside] 
Fraser [to Dief]: All right, come on. I'm not having any success, let's see how you do. 
Dief: Whine
Fraser: Or would you rather go back to knocking on doors? 
[whine] 
Fraser: Yes, I see what you mean. These sneakers don't breathe quite the way my boots did. Okay, pick up the scent. That's it. Good boy. . . [to group of men] Good morning, gentlemen. 
Man 1: You hunting moose or something? 
Fraser: Ah, no. Boots actually. You wouldn't have seen someone wandering around - 
Man 2: Check it. I can give you $200 Nikes for $50. 
Fraser: Now that offer sounds almost too good to be true but I'm really only interested in boots. Thank you kindly. . . Diefenbaker, for God's sakes, you're tracking the wrong thing. You're tracking my feet, not my boots. I know my feet were there. My boots - oh, forget it. 
Trevor [in car]: Yo! 
Fraser: Good morning. 
Trevor: Yeah, just get in the car. 
Fraser: Well actually I don't need a ride - 
Trevor: Look. Lou would like to talk to you, man. 
Fraser: Do I know Lou? 
Trevor: First you meet him, then you get to know him. Get in. 
Fraser: Very well. 
Trevor: Hey, hey! No dogs in here, man. 
Fraser: He's a wolf. 
[interrogation room] 
Tyreer: Man can't walk down the street in this part of town without getting harassed. 
Vecchio: You were running. 
Tyreer: I didn't see no foot traffic speed limit. 
Vecchio: You were carrying a gun and running from the shooting victim. 
Tyreer: He say that? 
Vecchio: You know as well as I do he didn't say that. 
Tyreer: Look, I was carrying a gun so I wouldn't wind up a shooting victim. 
Vecchio: Right. 
[basketball court - practice] 
Chatter: All right, baby. . . Here we go, here we go. . . Take a shot. . . Get that pick, baby. . . Here we go, now. . . watch him. . . Stamp drives up the lane. . . Oh, my God! A reverse lay-up!. . . Can anybody stop this teenage dynamo, Marv? I don't think so, Dick. 
Lou: Play the game, Reggie, not the crowd, man!. . . Where ya'll find him? You see that? 
Fraser: Fine play. 
Lou: A hot dog. He's a punk. They'll be double-teaming him in 8 seconds. 
Fraser: Are you their coach? 
Lou: Huh. Hey, these kids? They're our hope. I watch out for them. I provide the balls, a few burgers, a place to stay if they need it. People look at me as a corporate sponsor. Check out the sweats I got 'em. 
Fraser: Very magnanimous of you. 
Lou: Magnanimous? Hey, I'm a magnanimous kind of guy. . . Inside, Reggie! Look for the ball!. . . He's so dependent on his setup man. Hmph! He's not here, he just freaks. 
Fraser: Where is his setup man? 
Lou: You busted him. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Lou: So who are you, what do you want? 
Fraser: Benton Fraser. I'm a Mountie. 
Lou: Why do they call you that? 
Fraser: Well, it's short for Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Lou: So, you're mounted. 
Fraser: No. We mount horses, on occasion. Perhaps you're familiar with the Musical Ri- 
Lou: Then in all factuality, aren't the horses the mountees, then? 
Fraser: No, you see, we are mounted on top of horses. . . It's historical. 
Lou: So, my peoples tell me you been snooping around where the shooting went down. You looking for something? 
Fraser: As a matter of fact, yes. I'm looking for my boots. 
Lou: We'll let you know if we find anything. 
Fraser: It's been a pleasure speaking with you. 
Lou: Get it in to Reggie! Reggie, Purdue see that garbage, you going to be sweeping up your pop's barbershop for a long time in your short stupid life! 
[observation room - squad room - station corridors] 
Fraser: Good news, Ray. He didn't do it. 
Vecchio: No, not this time. 
Fraser: No what this time? 
Vecchio: Look, somebody shot someone, right? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: And I have a responsibility to catch that someone that shot the other someone, right? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: And if I catch that someone, it's good news, right? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Okay, now if that person turns out to be the wrong person, does that mean that there was no shooting? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Does that mean that no one was almost killed? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Does that mean there's one less bad guy in the world? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Right. It just means that the real bad guy is still out there instead of locked up somewhere safe. So by you coming in here and telling me that our guy is innocent, this is just not good news. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. I see what you're driving at and I stand corrected. It is bad news. He didn't do it. 
Vecchio: Look, Fraser, kids from that neighborhood, generally speaking, end up doing one of two things. Basketball or crime. 
Fraser: Tyree plays basketball. 
Vecchio: Well, they all start out playing basketball but if one of them is lucky enough, he'll make it to division one college ball. But if he's not talented enough, if he's not tall enough, if he's not dedicated enough, he's going to wind up like that kid and make life miserable for everyone else. 
Fraser: Ray, please, look at this. 
Vecchio: What's that supposed to be, evidence? 
Fraser: The shooter wore this. 
Vecchio: Well let's hope that's not all he wore. . . Gray. Different shade? Different material? 
Fraser: Actually, no. 
Vecchio: Then bag it and add it to my case file. 
Fraser: Ray, left-handed. 
Vecchio: What's left-handed? The thread? 
Fraser: No, no. The shooter. . . Aren't you even interested in knowing how I know the shooter is left-handed? 
Vecchio: Indulge me. . . What hand? 
Fraser: I know what you're thinking. He hasn't made one right-handed shot. 
Vecchio: Is this your way of admitting you're wrong? 
Fraser: No. It's my way of suggesting the young man is extremely dedicated. He's practicing his weaknesses, not his strengths. He's making left-handed shots because he is right-handed. 
Vecchio: All right, I'll buy that. Explain this. Ballistics report. Gun matches the bullet that went through the victim. The boy's fingerprints are all over the trigger. 
Fraser: Well we know he held the gun, Ray, because we found it on him. 
Vecchio: Turn the page. . . Paraffin test. Gunpowder blowback all over his hands. He fired that gun, Fraser. All the tests match him to the shooter, so for the next hour I'm going to treat myself to thinking that he's the guy. 
Fraser: Ray, what -? 
Vecchio: Look, sixty minutes, all right? Just don't talk to me for one hour. 
[station corridors - outside] 
Fraser: I'm not asking you to tell me the truth. If you had wished the truth to be known, then I think you would have been more forthcoming with the authorities, so obviously you have reason to fear the truth. I think you're in some kind of trouble - well, manifestly you're in trouble; you've been charged with a capital crime - but that's not the kind of trouble that I'm actually referring to. You know, it might help perhaps if you simply told us why it is you're not telling us the truth. And, of course, if you were to tell me why you are not telling us the truth, that would probably indicate what the truth might actually be, and you realize I'm not actually asking you to tell me the truth. 
Tyreer: Do you talk English? 
Fraser: Canadian, actually. 
Reggie: Yo, Tyree! 
Fraser: Perhaps we could speak later. 
Tyreer: Don't count on it. 
Fraser: All right. 
Tyreer: Hey, Reggie, thanks for the ride. 
Reggie: Hey, it's the least I can do for a fine young man with a noble heart helping to assist his friend achieve personal greatness. 
Vecchio: That was him. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: He's out. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: He made bail. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Where'd the punk get the money? 
Fraser: I lent it to him. 
[station corridor] 
Huey: What's wrong with your pal, Vecchio? He can't think straight without his boots on? 
Fraser: Well, I don't believe the loss of my boots has affected my ability to think, Detective Huey. However, now that you bring it up, if you should happen to see my boots in the course of - 
Huey: You better hope I don't, Constable, cause you don't even want to think about where I'd like to put them. 
Vecchio: Pipe down, Jack. . . In case you haven't noticed, your popularity rating around here is at an all-time low. 
Fraser: The young man is innocent, Ray. 
Vecchio: No, you think he's innocent, which is still no reason to bail him out by yourself. Now, the next time you do something like that, you want to notify me first? 
Fraser: Well, I would have but you told me to stay away from you for an hour. 
Welsh: Detective, thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule to confer with me. 
Vecchio: Any time, sir. 
Welsh: It must be even busier since your Canadian friend decided to release that dangerous felon that you worked so hard to incarcerate. 
Fraser: I'd like to explain that, Lieutenant. You see, the young man has an extremely important basketball game scheduled - 
Welsh: Oh, I see. So if Charles Manson had a kazoo concert scheduled, you would have bailed him out, too. 
Fraser: I don't think so, sir. Furthermore, I believe that the evidence will support my theory concerning the young man. 
Welsh: Well, why don't we let the courts decide that, Constable? You see, he's due for a prelim in a few hours, and if he doesn't show up, you are out a lot of money. [to Ray] And you're in for a long, long stay in my doghouse. Understood? 
[in store] 
Reggie: You know what? You did Lou a good turn, baby. You his man. You know you're my man, baby. And the good times is going to roll in the club house tonight, Marv. Well, these fellas have earned it, Dick. . . What, man? 
Tyreer: You are such an idiot, Reggie. 
Reggie: And you? 
Tyreer: I can afford to be an idiot. I ain't going nowhere. You got these college coaches liking your Nikes, man. You got a future. Me? All I got is a messed up shoulder. Now what coach is going to give me the time of day? 
Reggie: Poor baby. Let's be out, man. Come on. 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: You see that, Benny? For the next 5 blocks down is the turf of the 2-4 Dragons. Now if you're not a member of that gang and you cross this street, you're going to wind up getting shot. Now that's what happened to Taylor Thomas, left-handed thread or not. 
Fraser: Tyree was not the shooter, Ray. 
Vecchio: Then why was he carrying a gun? 
Fraser: I don't know. 
Vecchio: Then why did he shoot the gun? 
Fraser: I don't know. 
Vecchio: Then why did he make me chase him? 
Fraser: I haven't figured that out yet. 
Vecchio: Ah, at least we're getting somewhere. 
Fraser: Yes, it's encouraging, isn't it? 
[basketball practice] 
Chatter: Rebound!. . . Give it to me, dog. . . Here we go. . . Oh! That's too bad for you. . . Set it up for me, baby, set it up. . . Go ahead, man. . . That's what I'm talking about right there. . . One-two punch! 
Lou: Tyree, come here a minute. 
[crime scene] 
Fraser: The bullet was extracted from the wall here, which would mean that the gunman had to be where you're standing. 
Vecchio: Because this is where you found the thread. 
Fraser: It had rained earlier that day. The wind was from the southwest, yet the thread was dry. There was no sign of mold. Also, the footprints at the site would indicate that a man approximately 79.5 kilos stood there some time after the deluge. 
Vecchio: Well, that could have been anybody. Now here's how I see it. . . 
[flashback] 
Tyreer: What the hell you think you're doing? This is my hood. [bang, bang, bang] 
[end flashback] 
Vecchio: Tyree fired the first shot and misses. The victim fires back, misses by a mile, hits the garbage can. Tyree fires again and nails him. Ba-da bing. 
Fraser: What did you just say? 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: You said 'ba da bing'. 
Vecchio: Yeah. Don't they say that in Canada? 
Fraser: No, no, just listen to the sound of that. Ba da bing. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Well, remember back to yesterday. The first two shots had the same sound. The third shot was the bing. See, your scenario doesn't hold up, Ray. The bing was the shot that hit the garbage can, not the second shot. That was a bang. 
Vecchio: The judge is going to love this. Your Honor, we have no case because the bang is where the bing should have been. 
Fraser: But sounds don't lie, Ray. 
Vecchio: All right then. Tell me this. How does the bang being where the bing should have been - 
Fraser: No, that's the bing being where the bang should have been. 
Vecchio: But what does any of this mean that I busted the wrong guy? 
Fraser: Perhaps Tyree was with a left-handed man. 
[basketball practice] 
Lou: And yet the Mounting just bailed you out, just out of the goodness of his heart? 
Tyreer: I don't know. 
Lou: Hey, hey. 
Reggie: Tyree ain't going to say nothing. 
Lou: Anything. 
Reggie: What? 
Lou: Anything. Tyree ain't going to say anything. 
Reggie: Oh. Right. 
Lou: Reggie, go work on your jump shot. . . I'm worried, Tyree. 
Tyreer: Ain't got nothing to be worried about. 
Lou: You're due in court. 
Tyreer: In a couple of hours. 
Lou: I want you there. I was this over. I want you to just plead it out. 
Reggie: Hey, we got finals tomorrow. 
Lou: Go work on your jump shot, Reggie. Tyree ain't got to be there for you to show your stuff. 
Reggie: Purdue's going to be there. Hey, Isiah Thomas is going to be there. 
Tyreer: Yeah, right. 
Reggie: No, for real. Everybody says so. 
Lou: Reggie, you are going to make us all proud. Tyree or no Tyree. This man got business to take care of, ain't that right, Tyree? Ain't that right? 
Tyreer: Yeah. Yeah, Lou. 
Lou: Tyree, Junior, you're a juvie. You going to do light time, man. I'll look out for your mom, make sure she okay. And when you get out, it's you and me. Get you some protection, you'll be making big money. Isiah Thomas? You can meet Isiah Thomas some other time. 
Tyreer: Thank you. 
[Fraser's office - knock] 
Fraser: Ah, ma'am. 
Thatcher: I received a call from Lieutenant Welsh of the Chicago Police Department. 
Fraser: Good man. A fine commander. 
Thatcher: He was less enthusiastic about you. 
Fraser: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. 
Thatcher: He mentioned that you had bailed out a gang member who's been accused of attempted murder? 
Fraser: Yes, ma'am. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way shortly to attend his preliminary hearing. 
Thatcher: Is there a good reason why you're not standing at attention, Constable? 
Fraser: I beg your pardon? 
Thatcher: You heard me. 
Fraser: Yes, I did. 
Thatcher: Why did you do that? 
Fraser: Do what? 
Thatcher: You moved the garbage can in front of your feet. 
Fraser: Did I? 
Thatcher: Are you hiding something, Constable? 
Fraser: No. No, no. . . Yes. 
Thatcher: You're wearing sneakers. 
Fraser: I lost my boots. 
Thatcher: They're not yours to lose. 
Fraser: I understand that, sir. It was in the process of saving a life. 
Thatcher: With your boots? 
Fraser: No. You see, the seams had become frayed and, to be frank, I was less than enthusiastic about my prior cobbler's mastery of the bindlestitch - 
Thatcher: Is this going to be a long story, Constable? 
Fraser: Quite a long story, yes, ma'am. 
Thatcher: The life you saved, was this person a Canadian? 
Fraser: I shouldn't think so. 
Thatcher: Then you're paying for the new boots yourself. 
Fraser: Understood. 
[courtroom] 
Fraser: It was boom bang bing. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: It wasn't bang bang bing. It was boom bang bing. 
Vecchio: Look, Benny, I know what I saw. I know what I did. Now I'm going to have to tell that all to the judge and if it goes against the kid, I can't help that. 
Fraser: Ray, please, just try to remember. The sounds are all stored in here. So just clear your mind. Imagine you're on an ice flow. You're thousands of miles from any conceivable distraction - 
Vecchio: Is this an Eskimo trick? 
Fraser: No. Innuit. 
Vecchio: Oh. 
Fraser: Close your eyes. . . Close your eyes. All right, now, put yourself back at that moment. What do you hear? 
Vecchio: The entire Chicago Police Department laughing at me? 
Fraser: Ray, please, humor me. 
Vecchio: All right, all right. 
Judge: In the matter of Illinois versus Tyree Cameron, case number J87965, how does the defendant plead? 
Tyreer: Guilty, Your Honor. 
Vecchio: I was the arresting officer, Your Honor. He didn't do it. 
Tyreer: Yes, I did. 
Vecchio: No, he didn't. 
Judge: How do you know that, Detective? 
Vecchio: Because, uh. . . 
Fraser: It was boom bang bing, Your Honor. 
[outside] 
Tyreer: What is wrong with you? 
Vecchio: Fraser was right, kid. You couldn't have done it. The shots went boom bang bing. 
Tyreer: Are you out of your damn mind? Look, I shot that fool. Why won't you let me pay for my crime? 
Fraser: Because it's a crime you didn't commit. The boom was clearly from the PPK 380, which was Taylor Thomas' gun. He fired the first shot. The bang was from the .32, the shot that hit Mr. Thomas. The bing was the shot that you fired into the trash can from the same .32 because you needed to have your prints on the gun and you wanted blowback to be revealed in the paraffin test. 
Vecchio: Who you covering for, Tyree? Who's the real shooter?. . . Fraser! 
Fraser: You all right, ma'am? All right, I'll just, uh. . . 
[down the block] 
Trevor: Yo, Tyree, I think you and Lou need to talk. Move it. 
[basketball court] 
Lou: I'd like to protect you, Tyree, really I would. But you shouldn't have been walking away from that courthouse in the first place. 
Tyreer: Lou, it's the Mountie and the cop. They're not letting me take the fall for this. They're not leaving it alone. 
Lou: That Mounter know something, Tyree? 
Tyreer: He don't know nothing. Not from me, he don't. 
Lou: He been asking a lot of questions, you know what I'm sayin'? I mean, if he was to find out anything, that wouldn't be good. You going to let that happen to your friend? 
Tyreer: I'm not going to let anything happen. I'm going to do the right thing. 
Lou: I don't know. You worry me, Tyree. 
Tyreer: Ain't nothing to be worried about, Lou. 
Lou: They is one way you can eliminate my doubt and eliminate my worries. . . Trevor. Give him your piece. . . Show me where you stand. Do the Mountie. 
[Welsh's office] 
Welsh: Vecchio, you know sometimes it seems like you make a full time job out of destroying your career. 
Vecchio: Well, I see how you can think that, sir. 
Welsh: No, no, no. This is not a talking time. This is a listening time. . . Your job is to respond to crimes and arrest the offender, not to become a public defender. Now your friend Fraser bailing this kid out does not make any sense to me but I've learned to expect it from him. But you? Standing up in court attempting to have the charges dropped? That is nothing less than insanity. 
Vecchio: Sir, insane's a very harsh word. 
Welsh: Oh, no, no. The harsh words have not yet begun. You have not yet begun to hear how I feel about you being involved in a drive-by shooting in front of the courthouse. 
Vecchio: Lieutenant, new information has surfaced suggesting that Tyree Cameron was not the shooter in the incident and that the shooting was in self-defense. I had to make that information known to the Court. 
Welsh: And what would that new information be? 
Vecchio: Well, at first we believed the shots to be bang bang bing, but after further reflection we came to believe that the shots were boom bang bing. . . Sir, with a little time I now believe I can track down the real shooter. 
Welsh: That's great, Vecchio, 'cause a little time is about all you got. 
Vecchio: Ah, sir, are you going to eat all these cold cuts? 
[Tyree's apartment] 
Mrs. Cameron: Tyree's not here right now. This is his room but he hasn't been here since yesterday. Why did you have to arrest him anyway? Tyree's a good boy. 
Vecchio: Mrs. Cameron, I may be old fashioned but the way I figure it, good boys don't carry hand guns. 
Mrs. Cameron: I'm not defending Tyree having that gun. 
Fraser: Does your son know Mr. Lou Robbins? 
Mrs. Cameron: Everybody knows Lou. 
Fraser: Mrs. Cameron, I understand your reticence - 
Vecchio: Is your son a member of any gang? 
Mrs. Cameron: He plays basketball. 
Vecchio: This isn't the first time he's been in trouble. 
Mrs. Cameron: Tyree lives by his own rules but he is a good boy. Only been arrested once. 
Vecchio: Only once. 
Mrs. Cameron: He fell asleep on the subway. 
Fraser: That's a crime? 
Mrs. Cameron: Oh it is if you wake up in Lake Forest and got to walk 5 miles through white neighborhoods. He tries. He works on that basketball court. He ain't got the body to play pro ball ever since his shoulder went out on him. He tried at school. But there even the teachers don't pretend a boy from here can make it to college. What's a young man to do but get frustrated? 
Vecchio: Do you have any idea who he might have been with yesterday? 
Mrs. Cameron: Yeah. He had a practice like every day. Lou takes them out for a meal afterwards. 
Vecchio: Yeah, he's a regular prince. 
Mrs. Cameron: It breaks me up inside to see that drug dealer being the only one who looks out for them kids. The only one who gets through to them. Now you tell me. If he doesn't look after them, who does? The government? The police? 
Fraser: So you think it's possible that Tyree spent the day with Mr. Robbins. 
Mrs. Cameron: Could be. It's a sure bet he was with his friend Reggie. Ain't nothing that separates those two but the need to shut their eyes every night. You talk to him. 
[outside] 
Vecchio: His own mother thinks he did it. 
Fraser: She didn't say that. 
Vecchio: She stands by her family. 
Fraser: I suppose. 
Vecchio: You see, some people stand by their family, and some people stand by their friends, and then there are other people who stand by complete strangers only to have their friends get reamed out by their lieutenants. 
Fraser: Ray? 
Vecchio: It's abandoned. 
Fraser: Ah. . . Well, if it's any consolation, things aren't going very smoothly at the Consulate, either. 
Vecchio: Consolation would have been you buying a new pair of boots instead of me taking you to my cobbler. 
Fraser: Well, as I recall, it was you that insisted - 
Vecchio: I thought you were the one who was apologizing. 
Fraser: Oh, right. I'm sorry. 
Vecchio: Now, I'm gong to go back at the crime scene and take a look around. You coming? 
Fraser: No, I think I'm going to go and talk to Reggie. 
Vecchio: He probably won't talk to you. 
Fraser: Well he may not have to, Ray. 
[basketball court] 
Reggie: Stamp, coming down court for it. . . For three! Ahh! Yes! 
Fraser: Nice shot. 
Reggie: You're that mounting guy, right? 
Fraser: It's Mountie, actually. 
Reggie: And why do they call you that? 
Fraser: Well, that's a long story. . . Would you like to play some one-on-one? 
Reggie: You'll lose. 
Fraser: I think that's very likely. 
Reggie: You're already down two, baby. 
Fraser: Your friend Tyree is in trouble. 
Reggie: Man, everybody around here got troubles. You're still trying to get him off. 
Fraser: Well, yes. You see, there are certain elements of the crime that don't make any sense. I don't think Tyree shot that young man. 
Reggie: Oh, yeah, and how you figure that? 
Fraser: To begin with, the shooter was left-handed. 
Reggie: You know, it's hard to prove something like that. 
Fraser: Well that's true. But it's also my belief that the third shot was fired to provide blowback on Tyree's hand and arm to make it appear that he was the shooter. 
Reggie: Why would somebody do that? 
Fraser: Well, friends protect one another, and I think he was covering for someone. 
Reggie: Hey, Mountie, if Tyree said he did something, then he did it. I mean, it's that simple. You know, you live down here sometimes you got to shoot somebody in self-defense. 
Fraser: If it was self-defense, the man in the alley would have had a gun. 
Reggie: He had a gun. 
Fraser: How do you know that? Were you there? 
Reggie: No. 
Fraser: No. Of course not. Because if you had been, then you would have had to protect your friend. . . Thanks for the game. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Fraser: Oh, you're hungry, are you? 
Dief: Whine 
Fraser: Well perhaps you should learn how to use the stove. 
Dief: Whine
Fraser: Just joking. 
Dief: Snarl 
Fraser: Hello?. . . [to Dief] Stay. 
[construction site] 
Tyreer: Whoa! 
Reggie: Man, it's me, man! Put that gun away! 
Tyreer: Man, don't do that! 
Reggie: Look, I brought you some chips, man. . . Geez. 
Fraser: Mind if I join you? 
Tyreer: Don't come any closer. 
Reggie: Hey, be cool, Tyree. 
Tyreer: Reggie, go home. 
Reggie: I ain't going nowhere. 
Fraser: You were waiting outside my apartment. 
Tyreer: What if I was? Is it off limits? I ain't got a right to be in front of your building? 
Fraser: Where you there to visit Mrs. Krezjapalov or Mr. Mustafi? Or were you there to visit me? 
Tyreer: Maybe I was. 
Fraser: Well that's good, because we still have a lot of things to talk about. For one thing, I don't understand why you're prepared to go to prison for a crime you didn't commit. 
Tyreer: Man, don't try to get into my head. You and me, we ain't nothing alike. 
[music blaring from passing car] 
Reggie: Sssh! It's 2-4's!  [to Fraser] So you're Canadian, huh? 
Fraser: That's right, son. 
Reggie: So that means you been outside of Chicago. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Reggie: What's so different? 
Fraser: Not that much. We have all the same stars, just more of them. 
Reggie: So you grew up under the stars with the birds and weasels and wolves and trees and whatnot, huh? 
Fraser: There was an abundance of wildlife. 
Tyreer: We got wildlife. They gunned down my daddy in front of me when I was four. 
Fraser: My father was also killed. 
Tyreer: You don't get over that. 
Fraser: No. 
Tyreer: Life sucks, don't it? 
Fraser: What are you afraid of? 
Tyreer: Nothing. 
Fraser: You're not afraid of death? 
Tyreer: Are you? 
Fraser: Yes, very much. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Vecchio: Fraser, open up. It's me. . . 
Dief:  Whine 
Vecchio: What is it, boy? 
Dief: Woof!
Vecchio: Is Fraser in trouble? 
[construction site] 
Reggie: You want to tell me what's going on, Tyree? 
Tyreer: Why don't you go home, Reggie? You got a game in the morning. 
Reggie: You too. I need you, man. 
Tyreer: You don't need nothing. Look, you're going to be golden, so why don't you just go on home? I got some talking to do with the Mountie here, all right? 
Fraser: You're not going to the game? This game you've practiced for all year? The game you love? 
Tyreer: It doesn't love me. In this neighborhood, who lives and who dies is all set at birth. Either you got the genes to hoop or you don't. 
[alley] 
Dief: Woof!
Vecchio: Okay. . . Good boy. . . We'll rest here. . . Okay, maybe we won't rest here. 
[construction site] 
Tyreer: Reggie here, he's good enough. He's got a future. The rest of us? We'll flip burgers for a while. We'll sell drugs for a while. We'll keep busy until we piss somebody off or we just happen to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, which happens too damn often. And somebody steps up with a gun and they make you dead. 
Fraser: Just because you have a gun doesn't mean you have to use it. You proved that tonight. 
[Vecchio knocks over garbage cans] 
Reggie: See? They coming, man. Tyree, come on. 
Tyreer: Man. . . 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: You okay? 
Fraser: Yes, I'm fine. 
Vecchio: You're sure you're okay? 
Fraser: I'm fine. 
Vecchio: Did you hear him? He's fine! What did you drag me all the way down here for? 
Fraser: He's probably just crying wolf. 
[game] 
Lou: Young man's a talent, ain't he? 
Scout: Yeah, he is. 
Spectators and coaches: All right! Reggie! Double team my man down low, Reggie!. . . Damn, Reggie, where's the 'D'? Where's the 'D', man?. . . You got to impress everybody!. . . Be straight, Reg! Be flowing!. . .You hear me?. . .Oh!!. . . What's that? What was that? 
Tyreer: What's wrong with you?! 
Reggie: Nothing, man! 
Tyreer: You're blowin' it! 
Reggie: Then I blow it! 
Tyreer: Hell, no, this is my ass that's on the line for you. 
Reggie: I didn't ask you to do that, all right? 
Tyreer: You didn't have to. 
Reggie: You were going to kill that Mountie. . . Look, we can get out of this, all right? Both of us can. 
Tyreer: This is out of our hands. You do what you're told and I do what I'm told. I mean, nothing happens around here - nothing! - that Lou doesn't want to happen. He wanted you free and he wants the Mountie dead. 
Reggie: All right, so what happens if he wants you and me dead, huh? We kill each other? 
Lou: What the hell are you doing, Reggie? 
Reggie: Playing ball. 
Lou: You play it better! You check that attitude! You don't want to screw this up! 
[stands] 
Fraser: Ray, excuse me. I'll be right back. . . Good afternoon, gentlemen. You wouldn't have happened to see a fellow carrying a, uh. . . Oh, dear. 
[game ends] 
Lou: I'm impressed, Junior. I'm really impressed. That was a nice pass. 
Tyreer: Thanks. 
Lou: Come on, game's not over yet. . . Coming through! 
[outside] 
Lou: You had a job to do but you ain't do it. 
Tyreer: We won, didn't we? 
Lou: Hey, hey, you know what I'm talking about. The Mountie, Junior, the Mountie. 
Tyreer: The time wasn't right. 
Lou: Oh, yeah, here's your chance. . . The time is right, Tyree. 
Tyreer: Man, who's he hurtin'? 
Lou: He's been snoopin' around ever since the shooting. 
Tyreer: He don't know nothing, Lou. 
Fraser: Actually, I do. 
Lou: You hear that? 
Fraser: But you're not going to shoot me. 
Lou: Do it. Now. 
Reggie: Tyree, stop! 
Lou: Reggie, man, chill! 
Reggie: There's no reason! 
Lou: Reggie, step back! 
Reggie: There's no reason. . . I did it. . . 
Tyreer: Reggie, don't do this - 
Reggie: Tyree, it's over, man. It's over!. . . I shot Taylor. 
Fraser: I know. Lou had taken you out for burgers after the practice and the three of you split up. Taylor was waiting for Reggie in the alley. He fired first but he missed. Then Reggie fired, resting his left arm on the wall. Taylor fell and the gun went into the dirt where he buried it. Tyree heard the shots. He ran back to help. He forced Reggie to give him the gun. Lou arrived, Then Tyree fired into the garbage can to get blowback on his hand and his arm. Then Lou and Reggie ran, leaving you, Tyree, to take the blame. 
Reggie: He came at me, all right? I mean, I guess he figured he shoot me, he'd get his rag. It was self-defense. Tyree ain't do nothing. 
Lou: Both of ya'll are fools. End it. Now. 
[fight] 
Lou: Get him, man 
Tyreer: That's enough, Lou. 
Fraser: You're not going to shoot him. 
Tyreer: What did you say? 
Fraser: You're not a killer. 
Lou: Now, let's make this right. 
Fraser: You're not going to shoot either. 
Lou: 'Cause I'm not a killer? 
Fraser: No, I think you're an evil psychopath. But if you try, Detective Vecchio will blow your brains off. 
Vecchio: Out. 
Fraser: Out. I'm sorry, I stand corrected. He will blow your brains out. 
Vecchio: Give me the gun. 
[arrest being made] 
Vecchio: I'll see what we can do for you downtown. 
Tyreer: You better be straight. Reggie don't deserve to go down for this. 
Fraser: We know that. 
Man: I heard you was looking for these. 
Fraser: Yes. Thank you. 
Man: I saw them in the streets. Looked valuable, so I took them in. This isn't a safe neighborhood. 
[basketball court] 
Thomas: Hey. 
Tyreer: Hey! 
Fraser: Hello. 
Thomas: Everybody gone? 
Tyreer: Yeah. 
Thomas: Oh, sorry I'm late. Bad weather. Plane got off a little late leaving Toronto. 
Tyreer: Hey, can't change the weather. 
Thomas: Did ya'll play today? 
Fraser: Yes, and he played very well. 
Tyreer: Not well enough. 
Fraser: For what? 
Tyreer: Play ball in college. 
Thomas: You and almost everybody else on this planet. So what else you going to do? 
Tyreer: Nothing to do, if not play ball. 
Thomas: You have to put your other assets to work. 
Tyreer: What other assets? 
Thomas: This kid got any other assets? 
Fraser: Well, apart from his loyalty, his integrity, and his brains, no, I don't think so. 
Tyreer: What about my dashing good looks? 
Fraser: Well, we're talking about assets, not drawbacks. 
Vecchio: All right, Tyree. I spoke with the state's attorney and she's considering dropping the charges. How you doing? 
Thomas: Isiah. How you doing? 
Vecchio: Yeah, I know who you are. Ray Vecchio. 
Thomas: So we going to play today or what? 
Vecchio: Well, yeah! Give me the ball! Let's go! 
Thomas: Mountie, right? 
Fraser: That's correct, Mr. Isiah. 
Thomas: I was wondering, since I'm in Toronto now - 
Fraser: Oh, we mount the horses. . . Do you play basketball?

End of White Men Can't Jump to Conclusions
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

All The Queen's Horses 

Caption : Southern Manitoba, Canada. 
Voice on the television : The musical ride performed by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The show piece of their fantastic.... 
Bolt: That's amazing, I want some of that. Can you shoot me something like that? Go for it. America's going to love these guys. That is to be bold, beautiful, OK sweetheart, I want you to grab me some shots now BOOM BOOM BOOM I want faces, lots of faces. 
Thatcher: You don't think we need, say an on the spot interview? 
Bolt: You kidding? You mean one of those 70's lets talk about something we already know interviews? I don't think so. Americans want inspiration not chit chat. American's want heroes. 
Thatcher: What about that fella with the big ears? 
Bolt: Ross Perriot? 
Thatcher: I was talking Mickey Mouse. 
Bolt: Does Mickey have a red tunic, does he have a battle lance? I think not. Lets go now... Hunks on Horseback... Let's do it. 
Station Master: We have track clearance so as soon as they're loaded let me know. 
Robert: Nothing quite like it is there, Son 
Fraser: Oh hi Dad, I didn't know you were coming. 
Robert: I wouldn't have missed it for the world, it stirs the blood. 
Fraser: You don't have blood you're dead. 
Robert: I have the memory of blood. Something's beating in there. Would you look at my old stable mate? 
Fraser: Looks good doesn't he? 
Robert: Ah it's just that uniform. 
Fraser: Why don't you go and say hello? 
Robert: I wouldn't want to impose. 
Fraser: Well you're dead, it's not really an imposition. 
Robert: I don't know if I'd be able to. 
Fraser: You could give it a try. 
Robert: Well then, maybe I will. 
Fraser: Good luck. 
Buck: Did they issue you with one of these yet? 
Fraser: Not yet, Sir no. 
Buck: You're young. In a few years that steel blade that you took in your leg will start acting up, just like it did with me. 
[Buck breaks wind] 
Robert: Try spending a week on stakeout with him in dead horse gulf. 
Fraser: Do you mind? 
Buck: What's that? 
Fraser: Nothing Sir. 
Buck: Well shall we? 
Fraser: Yes Sir. 
Buck: The board introduced me to a real eye opener the other night. Night moose hock, rolled in wild boar tongue covered with gorgonzola cheese. 
Fraser: I'd like to try that some time. 
Buck: Don't be too hasty, it seems to follow you around for a while. 
Voice: ALL ABOARD. 
[The station hands are seen tied up in the guard house] 
Vecchio: Why are you calling me Benny? 
Fraser: You told me to 
Vecchio: No I didn't 
Fraser: Yes you did. In fact, your exact words were 'Let me know how it goes.' 
Vecchio: You see this is what is wrong with you, Benny, when someone asks you to let them know how it goes, they don't mean you should call them and let them know how it goes as it's going. What they mean is you should let them know how it goes after it is all said and done. Do you understand? 
Fraser: Not entirely no. How's Diefenbaker? 
Vecchio: He's fine Benny. Gotta go....[hangs up] OK Gentlemen, here we go. We have a 2 3 possible straight 2 3 7 no help there.... 
Thatcher [Lecturing Men]: We will avoid specifics. We will speak only when we are spoken to. We will keep our responses short and to the point. We will maintain our posture at all times, and above all we will act naturally. Why are they staring at me? 
Fraser: I suspect they're terrified, Ma'am. 
Thatcher: The whole point of this exercise is to bring new dinemers into our image: Look at them they're stiffs. Make them do something, anything, They can break into song for all I care, they just can't sit there. 
Fraser: Into song Sir? 
Thatcher: Yes. Make them sing. 
Fraser: Understood... Excuse me, may I Thank you kindly. [Coughs] You're sure about this sir? 
Thatcher: Yes. 
Fraser(sings): Well I was born up north at Great Slave, 1898, 
And I rode near all my life on a ranch near Devil's Gate. 
And I've seen this world about me, bend and flip and change, 
hey It feels like rain, :]Spoken] That's a thunder cloud. 
Well I've been called a coward, but I've seen two world wars, 
And I lost my son, Virgil, a Korean reward. 
And my Lucy, died last summer, You ask me if I cried? 
Hell I'll show you tears they're all over this ground, 
Falling from these blue Alberta Skies. 
Everyone: We're going to Ride Forever, 
You can't keep horse men in a cage. 
Should the angels call, 
Well it's only then we might pull in the reins. 
[Fraser signals to Thatcher who follows him down the train, on the way he hands the guitar to another Mountie who carries on singing the second verse] 
Thatcher: Fraser, I was in the middle of something very important. 
Fraser: Yes, I apologies for interrupting but I believe something is amiss. 
Thatcher: Well, I suppose there is always room for improvement but on the whole I think we've got some promising voices. 
Fraser: No it's not with the singers, Sir, it's with the film crew. 
Thatcher: The film crew? 
Fraser: If that is indeed what they are.. 
[Cut to terrorists] 
Bolt: OK let's do it... 
[Mountie car] 
All Mounties sing: We're going to Ride Forever, 
You can't keep horse men in a cage. 
Should the angels call, 
Well it's only then we might pull in the reins 
[Mounties are gassed unconscious except for Buck Frobisher] 
Buck [sings]: So I say to all you old men, don't let yourself get broke, 
When you think the world's gone crazy and it's scratching at your throat. 
Time to dust of that old saddle, get it on your horse, 
Kick up your spurs, we're going to run like stink. 
We're going to tear across these blue Alberta Skies. 
We're going to Ride Forever.... 
Da da da dada da da da... [notices the men are out cold] Men, men I didn't realize.. I'm sorry [Breaks wind and gets up to leave] 
Thatcher: Well what do you propose we do? 
Fraser: Id like a moment to think about that.]Dives out of window.] 
Thatcher: Well that's very helpful. 
[In the bathroom, Fraser is under the train looking in through the toilet.] 
Fraser: Sergeant Frobisher, before you continue may I have a word with you? 
Buck: Friend or foe? 
Fraser: Friend I assure you. 
Buck: Where are you? 
Fraser: I'm right here, Sir. 
Buck: In the sink? 
Fraser: No Sir, to the rear. 
Buck: Great Scott, Benton? 
Fraser: I'm relieved to see your all right Sir. 
Buck: That's a matter of opinion. What are you doing in my toilet? 
Fraser: Well I've come to debrief you Sir. 
Buck: Is something wrong with the door? 
Fraser: We have a problem Sir. I believe the men have all been gassed. 
Buck: Oh my god. 
Fraser: Yes and further more, it's my belief that this train is no longer under our control. 
Buck: It's worse than I thought. 
Fraser: Yes Sir and I thought it prudent to inform you. 
Buck: Inform me? I've been living with it for a week. 
Fraser: I'm sorry Sir, but I can't see how this relates to the terrorists. 
Buck: Neither can I. 
Fraser: It is my belief that this train has been taken over by terrorists and that they have gassed the men into a stupor. 
Buck: Oh well that's a relief. 
Fraser: That's a relief? 
Buck: How many terrorists? 
Fraser: Undetermined Sir. 
Buck: Strategy 
Fraser: Unformed. I thought I should assess your status and then report back to our superior officer. In the mean time I suggest you continue with your current project. 
Buck: OK good luck son....Ahh Benton, my arm is stuck, my arm is stuck, in the hole... give me some help, Constable, that's an order. 
Robert: You sound like an old man 
Buck: I sound like a what? 
Robert: An old man. 
Buck: You say that I... Old man... I tell you that.... 
Robert: How are you Buck? 
[Fraser climbs back through the window] 
Fraser: It's just as I thought Sir... You've changed. 
Bolt: And she looks real good doncha think? I just love a woman in uniform and these particular uniforms are so darned arresting.. I just thought to myself why not? 
[Bathroom] 
Robert: What is it about this situation that you can't believe. That I'm dead? 
Frobisher: No. Absolutely not. I believe you're dead. But there is one thing bothers me. You seem to be who you seem to be but by the same token then you do not seem to be who you do not seem to be and that's a different story. There you are. 
Robert: You want proof? 
Frobisher: What? 
Robert: You want proof? 
Frobisher: Absolutely. 
Robert: Then all right. Let's have it. 
Frobisher: Very well. On April 23rd, 1957, sixty miles north of Destruction Bay, two young men stood on a rope bridge which spanned a canyon, and on the other side of that bridge a young woman was being held in the clutches of a deviant. They had two cartridges between them and one rifle. They knew it was an impossible shot, but each one knew that whoever made that shot would secure the love of that woman. The first man tried. He failed. And the second one tried and . . . uh . . . he won the whole shooting match. 
Robert: And we were very happy, Caroline and I. 
Frobisher: Yeah, I know that! I know that! I know that! But the question is that these two men, through their long years of friendship, often talked about that impossible shot and when they did, what did they call it? 
Robert: The shot you mean? 
Frobisher: Yeah, the shot. 
Robert: Ah. Well, uh, the shot they called it, uh. 
Frobisher: Time is up. Bob Fraser would have gave the answer in one second. 
Robert: Well, I'm dead. It effects the memory. 
Frobisher: Out! Out! Now! 
Robert: All right! It was called The Great Yukon, Douglas Fir, Double-Telescoping Bank Shot. 
Frobisher: My God! Bob Fraser! Does that always happen? 
Robert: It's not important. The important this is you're in a pickle my friend and it's a dill. You've got a train to stop. 
Frobisher: Right you are. 
Robert: How do you stop a train? 
Frobisher: You put on the breaks. 
[Ray's at a Poker game the phone rings and he picks it up] 
Vecchio: Look I'm holding the bullet in low Chicago in a 12 hundred dollar pot that keeps on growing, this better be good. 
Fraser: This is Constable Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and I am reading a prepared text. 
Vecchio: Am I some kind of god, am I some kind of bad luck god?... all right hold on... OK ready shoot. 
Bolt: Our demands are as follows. 10 million dollars to be delivered by Detective first grade Raymond Vecchio of the Chicago police department unaccompanied to the station siding number 33 on the Paliser line by 4 p.m. central standard time. Be ever vigilant America, for the enemy is already among us! 
Vecchio: I'm in. I'll see that 300 and raise you 100. 
[Train cab] 
Robert: Ah ha...umm 
Buck: What are you 'umming' about. 
Robert: Ah, nothing nothing. 
Buck: When you umm it always means something. 
Robert: Well do you know how to operate a train? 
Buck: I was counting on you. 
Robert: I haven't the foggiest 
Buck: Well it can't be that hard, must be some place they put the coal.... 
[Welsh's office] 
Vecchio: We have a situation... 
Ford: What have you got for me? 
Agent: Nothing.. yet... We're running Vecchio's tape for a voice match but that could take a while. 
Ford: Get Harrison. Stay! I want him on the line. And get me the divisional guy from the NTSP down here now. Sean, T