Pilot

Dooooooooo Mah 
[out on the ice, looking for clues] 
Robert: You're going to shoot a Mountie? They'll hunt you to the ends of the Earth. 
[BANG] 
[2,000 miles to the Northwest] 
[scenes of a dog sled going very fast, but you never see his face] 
RCMP Officer #1: You tell him the snow mobiles are frozen dead. He says, 'I'll take a dog sled.' 
RCMP Officer #2: [laugh] A dog sled?!?! Is this guy living in this century? 
RCMP Officer #3: I heard he was going over the pass. 
RCMP Officer #2: Don't be ridiculous. Nobody makes it over the pass. 
RCMP Officer #4: Fraser went over the pass. 
RCMP Officer #5: Boy, you've got to be kidding. 
RCMP Officer #2: 50 below out there, I froze coming in from my car. 
RCMP Officer #3: The guy is certifiable. 
RCMP Officer #2: Who'd he go after anyway? 
RCMP Officer #1: You wouldn't believe it. 
RCMP Officer #2: Who? 
RCMP Officer #2: Somebody's got to tell the Chief. 
RCMP Officer #3: That's the Sergeant's job. 
RCMP Officer #2: Then tell the Sergeant. 
RCMP Sergeant: Wh-when I lift this, you-you jam your hand down there fast. Ready? 
RCMP Officer #2: Sergeant? 
RCMP Sergeant: Yeah? 
[Fraser brings in his man and dumps him in a cell] 
Fraser: That's the last time he'll fish over the limit. 
[Chief's office] 
Chief: And you felt it necessary to go out there and get him now? In the middle of one of the worst storms we've had this year? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. 
Chief: Fraser, you just tracked a man 300 kilometers because he caught to many fish? 
Fraser: He exceeded the limit by quite a bit, sir. 
Chief: How much could a man fish over the limit that would justify you recklessly endangering your life and the reputation of this police force. 
Fraser: Four and a half tons, sir. 
Chief: Fish? 
Fraser: Yes, sir. He was dynamiting the rivers, scooping the salmon from the surface with a back hoe. So I destroyed the plastic explosives, the nitroglycerin, fragmentary mines. I then donated the three and a half truckloads of fish to the local Inuit village. The tribal elder said he would call you with his thanks as soon as the local phone lines were restored. 
RCMP Officer #2: Sir, there's a tribal elder on the phone for you and this just came in over the wire. 
Chief: It's your father. 
Pilot: Time was, you could look out that window and see nothing but geese, thousands of them. That river down there? Beaver's used to cover it like hairy little ants. Government kinda put them out of business. 
Fraser: Yeah. Everything's changing. 
*** 
Gerard: Still don't know what the hell he was doing there. Ten below zero, middle of nowhere. 
Fraser: His log book. 
Gerard: Closed his last case over a week ago. Should have been catching up on paperwork but you know your dad. He'd rather freeze his rump off then have a desk. Thirty ought six standard hunting rifle. This first week of the season. Suddenly every damned idiot wants to kill something. Near as we can tell, he must have caught a stray bullet. Useless death. Son, every officer in this post spent the last three days combing that gulch. If there was evidence of foul play we would've found it. When was the last time you talked to him? 
Fraser: Christmas. 
Gerard: Well, I guess the more you know someone the less needs to be said. 
[same area where his father was killed] 
Dief: Woof Woof 
Eric: This is mine. You want meat, Mountie? Go to Supermarket. 
Fraser: You kill them? 
Eric: Nope. 
Fraser: See any hunters come through here? 
Eric: Yep. 
Fraser: They kill them? 
Eric: Na. 
Fraser: Then who? 
Eric: Nobody. They just drank too much. 
[airplane hanger] 
Pilot [on phone]: Honey, honey. Ya got milk. I brought home a gallon yesterday. Yeah, look in the fridge. I never should have bought the damn thing. Now it's bring milk, bring butter. I'm up at ten thousand feet and she wants me to stop at the Seven-Eleven. Eh, a week ago you say. 
Fraser: It would have been a party of six. 
Pilot: Eh, I brought some nuns up on a retreat, does that help? 
Fraser: Not unless they were carrying firearms. 
Pilot: You're sure they were Americans, eh? 
Fraser: They were all wearing new boots, they were driving a Jeep Wrangler and they carried big guns. 
Pilot: American's it is. [looks thru a bunch of loose pieces of paper] Now here you go. A bunch of dentists from Chicago came up for the weekend, killed their limit and went home early. 
Fraser: Do you have a passenger list? 
Pilot: Uh...yeah. [hands him a piece of paper] Uh, I'll need it back. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Pilot: No problem. 
Pilot: Yeah. 
Wife: Foot powder. 
Pilot: Foot powder?!? 
[coroner's office. Fraser packs in a caribou] 
Coroner: Pet, was it? 
Fraser: You think you could tell me what killed it? 
Coroner: Toss it in the freezer. It'll be a few days. 
Charlie Underhill: Twenty-two years ago I came to the Northwest Territories as a Corporal. Even then the name Bob Fraser was spoken with awe among the ranks of the new recruits. It was said he could track a ghost across sheer ice and that a young officer would have to move fast and drive hard just to catch his shadow. Many have followed the spirit and traditions of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police but few have embodied it. The name of Sergeant Robert Fraser will always be among them. 
[Wake after] 
Bartender: To Your father. May he never give the angels a moments peace. 
Gerard: Your dad and I spent too many nights in places like this. 
Fraser: What did they say? 
Gerard: I gave them your list of names, they'll sign them off and check them out. 
Fraser: With respect sir, the Chicago PD is not going to make this a high priority case. No, thank you. 
Gerard: Didn't fall to far from the tree, eh? 
Fraser: I understand that there's an opening at the Chicago consulate. 
Gerard: And you're going to go. Go charging across the border frisking sportsmen at random? Ben, man to man, if this really was a murder I'd like to find who ever did it and show them the view from the end of a rope, but I can't do that and neither can you. There were a hundred hunters out in the woods that day. Most from God knows where. You found six. They will check them out. Let them do their job. 
Fraser: I realize I wouldn't be allowed to work the case sir, but if I'm in the same city, I can at least check on the progress. 
Gerard: Tell me Constable, how many years you been on the force now? 
Fraser: Thirteen. 
Gerard: What was the biggest city you ever worked in? 
Fraser: Moose Jaw. 
Gerard: Yeah and you were transferred out after five weeks because you couldn't adapt to such an urban life style. You're like your father. Out there in no man's land, there isn't a better cop in the world. But in Chicago they'd eat you alive in a minute. Sorry. 
Fraser: I understand. But you also understand that nothing is going to stop me from finding my father's killer and bringing him to justice. 
*** 
Charlie Underhill: Give him the transfer. 
Gerard: Oh come on, Charlie. You think they're going to let him do anything? I have no jurisdiction. 
Charlie: Chicago PD is going to treat this like another request. The only way they're going to catch this guy is if he's picked up for a broken tail light and blurts out a spontaneous confession. This was Bob Fraser. Give him the transfer. 
[Chicago, Airport] 
Nun: Help feed the hungry. Food for the hungry. 
What is it? 
Fraser: Pemmican. Now if you're still hungry when you finish it? Drink water. It expands in your stomach. 
Fraser: So they won't operate on your little girl unless you pay them in advance? 
Airport Hustler: Man, without seeing the cash they won't even give you an aspirin. 
Fraser: You promise to pay me back within the week? 
Airport Hustler: As God is my witness. 
Fraser: Well, I'm afraid all I can give you is a hundred. 
Airport Hustler: You're going to give a perfect stranger a hundred dollars? You're kidding? 
Fraser: Son, I never kid about a child's life. 
[getting a taxi] 
Fraser: Oh, you take it ma'am. Hi -- oh -- please. 
[27th precinct] 
Desk Sergeant: Look here's Nanook of the North. 
Fraser: Constable Fraser. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Desk Sergeant: No kidding. You got a dog? 
Fraser: He's in quarantine. 
Desk Sergeant: Shame. You like pigeons? 
Fraser: I don't have much experience with them. 
Deats: Sarge, you want to move it along? 
Desk Sergeant: Shut up, Deats. It's not that they're dirty. It's just that I'm starting to question their loyalty. 
Fraser: I'm looking for an officer assigned to this case number. 
Desk Sergeant: Oh yeah. You're going to like this fella. Drop your stuff over there with Gruber. Through those doors, down the hall, third holding cell on the right. 
Fraser: His name? 
Desk Sergeant: You can't miss him. Just look for Armani. 
[in jail cell] 
Vecchio: Can you read that? Does the label not say Armani? Of course it's original merchandise. A friend of mine just sorta found a truckload sitting on the side of the road. 
Inmate: Isn't this kind of a strange place to do business? 
Vecchio: Hey, at least in here you know who you're dealing with, right? 
Fraser: Excuse me...I'm looking for a Detective Armani? 
Ray [to the other occupants of the cell: Come on...You mean me? Guard! 
[bull pen] 
Vecchio: Okay, who let the Mountie in the holdin cell? 
Fraser: I'm sorry I believe the unfortunate confusion with an unfamiliar idiotic trade name. 
Vecchio: The confusion was, was down here you don't bust in on some guy when he's about to take down the biggest operator in the garment district for buying stolen merchandise. 
Fraser: Oh, so you were attempting to sell him a truckload of illegally obtained men's clothing. 
Vecchio: That's right. 
Fraser: Isn't that entrapment? 
Vecchio: What do you want from me? 
Fraser: I was told that you were in charge of this case. 
Vecchio: Ah yes, the dead Mountie thing, like I couldn't have guessed. Look. I've got your list of names in my basket here. The moment I get a chance I'm going to go to the computer, pick up the phone and call you with the information so you can go get your Boy Scout points. Now, is there anything else? 
Fraser: Yes. The dead Mountie was my father. And I would appreciate it if you'd check the names while there's still a chance of catching the man who killed him. Oh and by the way, he's not in the garment business. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Your man, in the cell. He had a hole in his shoe. I'm not familiar with your city but I'd assume a big garment buyer wouldn't be caught dead with a hole in his shoe, so, like you, he is pretending to be someone he's not. 
[Consulate] 
Moffet: So you want to be a Deputy Liaison Officer, eh? 
Fraser: It was my understanding I'd already gotten the position, sir. 
Moffet: No. You're the Acting Deputy Liaison Officer. You're on probation. Now I've read your reports, nobodies questioning your ability as a police officer but this us, um, big city USA and a consulate office is an entirely different kettle of ... 
Fraser: Fish? 
Moffet: Fish...uh...do you even know what we do here? 
Fraser: As Chief Liaison Officer you work closely with the local police and the various arms of the American criminal justice system and the intelligence community on matters of mutual interest. 
Moffet: Basically yes. However the FBI and CIA types are very picky about who they cozy up to. You've got to earn their respect. You've got to gain their trust and at the same time show them you're not anybody's lap dog. 
Fraser: Lap dog, sir? 
Moffet: These are American's, Fraser, if they think they can walk all over you they will. It's a delicate balance you've got to be just as shrewd and cunning and ruthless as they are and then being Canadians we have to be polite. 
Fraser: Polite? Sir? 
Moffet: What's the one thing you here American's say about Canadians over and over again. They're such nice polite people. So we use that against them. 
Fraser: I'm not exactly clear as how we do that sir. 
Moffet: We let them underestimate us. You'd be surprised at the number of people who underestimate me, Fraser. 
Fraser: I don't think so, sir. 
Moffet: How many times I've been at some diplomatic cocktail party when people start to say something and then suddenly stop, realizing I'm within hearing distance and then say 'Oh, it's just the Canadian.' It always works, though it never quite loses it's sting. So, it's a big job with a lot of ground to cover. You think you're up to it? 
Fraser: I'll do my best, sir. [Clears throat] As to my duties? 
Moffet: Oh, LeeAnn will give you a full briefing. She takes care of all that stuff. Have you met Constable Brighten? My right arm. She's the best assistant a man could have. 
LeeAnn: Yes, sir. 
Moffet: You'll, uh, give, um . . . 
Fraser: Fraser. 
Moffet: Fraser here a full briefing on all the , you know, the . . . 
LeeAnn: Yes sir. 
Moffet: I'll just, uh um take the um uh can well uh, can, well, uh...lunch. 
[showing Fraser his office] 
LeeAnn: This is your office. 
Fraser: It's very nice. 
LeeAnn: This is your desk. This is your phone. This is your rolodex. This is your tape dispenser. And this is your stapler. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
LeeAnn: Oh, there's more. This is your pencil sharpener. This is your appointment calendar. This is your combination pencil cup. These are your pencils. And this is your plant. 
Fraser: You know, I can do this. 
LeeAnn: Are you sure you don't want some help with your computer? 
Fraser: No, I don't want to -- 
LeeAnn: Well then, I'll be at my desk. 
Fraser: Well I-I appreciate the uh-- [slam door] 
LeeAnn: I want to apologize. That was uncalled for. 
Fraser: Well, I was a little curious, uh... 
LeeAnn: You see, this was to be my job. I put in four years behind that desk out there. Getting coffee, running errands, organizing every minuet detail of his life. I've paid my dues. I'm a cop, Fraser, picking up dry cleaning just doesn't come naturally. 
Fraser: Well I didn't-- 
LeeAnn: And then the job opens up and I'm finally going to get to do something other than show my legs and it's, 'Well, we're sorry, we don't think you're quite ready for the job now. We need someone with kayaking experience.' 
Fraser: I don't recall that-- 
LeeAnn: No, they didn't say that Fraser, they didn't have to. They hired you didn't they? Can I be frank? I've nothing against you personally, I'm sure you're a very nice person. You're very good at wrestling fur bearing animals. But I'm going to do everything in my power to have you fired because this is my job. I don't mean to sound like a bitch. 
Fraser: Oh -- no, no, not at all. 
LeeAnn: I'm not usually like this. 
Fraser: No, I can see that. [clear throat] Perhaps you can tell me a little bit -- unclear -- my--your--the job actually entails. 
LeeAnn: Well, that's the one good thing about this menial job of mine. I hold the duty roster. Which means your job is pretty much whatever I tell you it is. 
Fraser: Where do I start? 
[Fraser is outfront of Consulate doing guard duty] 
[Kid blowing raspberries at Fraser] 
Vecchio: Hey, what's up? It's you! I didn't recognize you standing there like that. Okay, I acted like a jerk. I didn't realize it was your father. I should have checked into it earlier. I'm sorry. Anyway you know you were right about the goomba in the cell. Now I dig around and I find that this guy is internal affairs trying to nail my butt for illegal entrapment. Can you believe that? This guy's trying to entrap me into intruding him. Cops. [sigh] In any case I figure I owed you one so here it is. Thanks. Come on, I'm apologizing here. What else do you want from me. You're kidding right? This is your job? This is, like, your real job? Do you believe it? This is his job. They actually pay people to do this in Canada. Sorry. [sigh] Anyway, I uh checked that list of names for you and I came up with something that night be something. So we should talk. [waits] Putting me on right? Okay, you just let me know when you get off and I'll come back. You got a break comin up soon or something. I'm talkin to a corpse here. Oh. [the bells chime and Fraser is off duty] 
[the elevator at the dental building] 
Vecchio: So I called the American Dental Association and everyone on your list comes up and members only one of them Dr. Laurence Medley isn't current with his dues. So I call the last number they have on the guy and the nurse says he can't come to the phone he's been dead twelve years. This makes me curious. 
Fraser: It only takes an extra second to be courteous. 
[climbing the stairs] 
Vecchio: My bets, there aren't a lot of high speed chases in Canada, huh? 
Dentist: Actually I never met him. He called and said he'd heard about our annual hunting trip and he asked it he could come along. Harry Prencit, paradontist, he usually comes with but this year he had that accident so, uh . . . let me take a look here. Ah! There he is. Yeah, Larry Medley is the one in the corner. And I believe that's the only one I got of him. Yep. For some reason he was never around when we were taking pictures. Not much of a hunter, never shot a thing. I came home with that big fella right there. [a beaver] 
[bullpen, at a computer] 
Fraser: So, how do you know? 
Vecchio: I don't. I never said I did. I said I had a feeling I'd seen him before. 
Fraser: You recognized his face? 
Vecchio: Not so much his face as his nose. 
Fraser: His nose? 
Vecchio: Yeah. It's like I have this ability. Everyone's nose is distinctive. Now two people have exactly the same nose. I just have this thing where I never forget a nose. Call it a gift. You know how to type? 
Fraser: A hundred words per minute. Why? 
Vecchio: June eighty-six. I'm walking a beat. I get a call on this domestic violence case. Very very messy. The guy has his wife's arm in the car door and he's slammin it and slammin it. Now, when I see the guy in the photo. I flash on this guys nose. That's the puppy, Frankie Drake. What do you thing? 
Fraser: That's exactly the same nose. 
Vecchio: What did I tell you. Now it stuck in my mind because homicide has been tryin to nail him for a mob hit. 
Fraser: He's a hired killer? 
Vecchio: Well I don't think he hunts for relaxation, Fraser. Now someone wants your dad out of way enough to import a professional, you have any idea why? 
Fraser: No. Do you have an address? 
Ray" Yeah but it's not worth the cab fair to check. He'd a been long gone by now. 
Fraser: But you have an idea. 
Vecchio: One lead, okay? I'm going to follow up one lead and that's it because I don't have time to make a career of this case. And gettin my name in some Yukon Gazette ain't gonna do buttcus for my career, you understand? 
Fraser: I understand. 
Vecchio: Good. Now mush. Yee-ha or what ever you Canadians say. 
Fraser: Where we going? 
[on the street] 
Vecchio: There's this place I know where a lot of heavy weights hang out. Kind of people who can reach out and touch somebody like Frank. Now I been workin it for months, you know, hangin out, fittin in. They think I'm complete scum and down here? Your reputation is everything. Where the hell did I leave my car? 
Fraser: Thirty-two degrees south. 
Vecchio: Right. Uh, what's your first name anyway. I mean I can't keep callin you Fraser. 
Fraser: Benton. 
Vecchio: What's you're first name? 
Fraser: Benton. 
Vecchio: Do you have a first name? 
Fraser: Can we made a stop along the way? 
Vecchio: Sure.
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
Vecchio: He's on me! 
Fraser: Dief-- 
Vecchio: He's getting intimate with me! Did you see him? He was getting intimate with me! 
Fraser: I'm sorry, he's usually much better behaved. He's just excited about being out of that quarantine cage. 
Vecchio: You want to tell him to get off of me? 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
Vecchio: Oh, yeah, he's very well trained. 
Fraser: Well he is actually. He's just deaf. 
Vecchio: Huh? 
Fraser: And he's facing the wrong way so you just tell him yourself. 
Vecchio: I'm not real good with dogs. 
Fraser: Actually he's more of a wolf. 
Vecchio: WOLF! 
Fraser: Just try to enunciate. 
Vecchio: GET! OFF! ME! 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Vecchio: There is a deaf wolf in my back seat. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Fraser: Two years ago he jumped off an ice flow into Prince Rupert sound and pulled me out and his ear drums burst from the cold. 
Vecchio: Really? I didn't know wolves saved lives. 
Fraser: Well, he doesn't always. I mean, he'll save you if he sees you. 
Vecchio: Oh great! 
[parking outside a bar] 
Vecchio: Well you won't find this on most of your tourist maps. And I wouldn't go walking around here by yourself. 
Fraser: Really! 
Vecchio: Trust me on this, will you? That's the joint. Just tell him to stay here and not eat anything with an emblem on it, all right? 
Fraser: Stay. Here. 
Vecchio: He reads lips? 
Fraser: I've never been sure. If so, he's self-taught. Evening. Excuse me. My friend here tells me this isn't a very good neighborhood. So, I wonder if you would mind watching the car for us. 
Hood: Absolutely. 
Fraser: Thank you. [to Ray] I just asked them to watch the car. 
Vecchio: I think they were already watching it. 
[outside bar doors] 
Vecchio: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Red. You can't just go marching in there. I have a history with these people. They think that I'm one of them. You understand? 
Fraser: Ah. So you want me to blend into the crowd. 
Vecchio: You have a hat line embedded in your forehead. 
Fraser: Well, perhaps if we identified ourselves and then questioned them directly, they'd cooperate. 
Vecchio: And what would make them do that?
Fraser [to Dief who has what appears to be a mans shirt in his mouth]: Did I not tell you to stay in the car? Let's go. 
Dief: urr? 
Fraser [comes back and looks directly at the wolf]: Let's. Go. 
[inside the bar] 
Vecchio: Hey Chuck how's it going? You still single? He he he. Life's a bitch huh. Listen, do me a favor. I'm looking for a friend of mine. 
Chuck: You're in the wrong neighborhood, Vecchio. You got no friends here. 
Vecchio: Aw come on Chuck. I got nothin but friends, everybody likes me. I do business with everybody. And um, I'd like to do a little business with Frankie Drake. You seen him around? 
Chuck: You know, Vecchio, the strangest thing. Every time I introduce you to someone the cops appear. 
Vecchio: I had some unreliable people working for me, Chuck. It happens. What can I say? 
Chuck: I don't know. Use your imagination. 
Vecchio: Hey, what the hell is going on? 
Chuck: You've been made man. 
Vecchio: Aw come on just because I carry a gun does that make me a cop? Okay. Okay, so maybe I offended some of you guys but uh, I know. I know. Let me make it up to you. I'll give five hundred dollars to anyone who knows what a moose sounds like. 
[Door bursts open] 
Fraser: Excuse me may I have your attention please. Thank you. Anyone carrying illegal weapons, if you would place them on the bar you are under arrest. [knife thrown, it's lands next to his head] You realize I'm going to have to confiscate that? 
Punk 1: Hey Dudley Do Right, you got no jurisdiction here. 
Fraser: Now that is true son. However, this gentleman does. Ray would you be so good as to show them your I.D. And now if you would all just step back, Detective Vecchio and I will collect your weapons. 
Punk 2: Would it be too much for us to ask you to show us your gun? 
Fraser: No, not at all. I carry a standard thirty eight caliber Smith and Wessen service revolver. 
Man: I got a Barretta, man, would you like to see it? 
Fraser: But without a local license, I am not permitted to use it. And that is why it's empty. 
Dief: Growl. 
Man: Whoa! 
Fraser: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, you're a good citizen. 
Vecchio: Okay, weapons on the bar. You heard the man. You, guns on the bar. Don't even think about it, Scarface. 
Fraser; Thank you. Thank you. I'll be back for those. 
Vecchio: Yo! Batman! 
[Drake starts shooting, Ray returns fire] 
Vecchio: Who carries an unloaded gun? Would I carry an unloaded gun? Would anyone I know carry an unloaded gun? What do they shoot people with in Canada, serviettes? 
Vecchio: Do the words bullets mean anything to you? 
Fraser: I think we're on the right track. 
[Drake ducks out the back] 
[phone booth] 
Drake: Francis Drake. Yeah -- like the explorer. Never heard that one before. Guess who? Well I thought you said there weren't going to be any complications. Yeah, yeah a big one. And it's wearin a hat. No-no. No-no. I'll take care of him myself but uh, I'm afraid there'll be an additional charge. Well yes, sir. My pleasure. 
[Walsh's Office] 
Walsh: One solid oak bar, sixteen tables, twelve chairs, one etched mirror, six by nine, one antique pool table, two doors, thirty two bottles of liquor and a Pabst Blue Ribbon neon clock. Does this seem like a fairly accurate list of the damages, Detective Vecchio? 
Vecchio: I don't believe the pool table was an antique, sir. 
Walsh: Oh, well, we'll never know now will we. Because all that's left is this bag of felt. 
Vecchio: I sought refuge of the item in question when the suspect pointed a shot gun in my direction and fired repeatedly sir. 
Walsh: Suspect. I'm glad we finally got around to that because I would hate to think we were responsible for all this damage without a very good reason. You say you identified him by his nose? 
Vecchio: Yes sir. 
Walsh: You didn't say something about his nose, causing him to fire repeatedly into the bar? 
Vecchio: Ah, no sir. 
Walsh: You just felt that his nose was so offensive that you decided to pursue and arrest him? 
Vecchio: Captain, the suspect is a known felon and you see I had this hunch that-- 
Walsh: You had a hunch? [laugh] A hunch! And you coupled your hunch with your positive identification of his nose. And this was the basis of your investigation. An investigation which resulted in injury of seven people. Three with gun shot wounds, two with broken limbs, one hospitalized with a concussion and one who claims to have been bitten by a wolf. 
Vecchio: The wolf was just trying to help sir. 
Walsh: They usually are. 
Fraser: If I could say something sir? 
Walsh: Well of course you can young man. I'm not sure exactly how a Mountie fits into this case but . . . I like to keep an open mind. 
Fraser: It was at my urging Detective Vecchio went to the bar. 
Walsh: Ah, so it wasn't just a hunch about a nose. You went there at the urging of a Mountie. Detective, how many open, unsolved crimes are on your desk right now? 
Vecchio: Forty one. 
Walsh: And how bout you Constable Fraser. How many open unsolved cases are you working on right now? 
Fraser: One sir. 
Walsh: One. Then as intrigued as I am by this case, let me suggest that you go back to your desk and you pick up any one of those open forty one files and you put your nose into it. And you keep it there until you have an epiphany. 
Vecchio: Yes sir. 
Walsh: Yes. 
[bullpin] 
Fraser: I'll write up a report. I'm sure he'll see this was all my responsibility. 
Vecchio: Yeah, thanks. You leave this number for a doctor somebody? 
Fraser: He called. 
Vecchio: So it says. 
Fraser: May I? [picks up phone] 
Coroner: Coroner's office. 
Fraser: This is Constable Fraser. 
Coroner: Oh, yeah, I was just about to put this in the mail to you. I uh I did that autopsy on that caribou you dropped off. It drowned. 
Fraser: I'm sorry? 
Coroner: Drowned. Lungs were full of water. That do anything for you? 
Fraser: It drank to much. 
Coroner: Yeah that's another way of looking at it. I'll uh I'll mail you the report. 
Fraser: Thank you. [hangs up phone. Then to Ray] How much do I owe you? 
Vecchio: Explanation. 
Fraser: A hundred yards from where my father died I found the carcasses of several dozen caribou. Coroner says they drowned. 
Vecchio: And I thought they were such great swimmers. 
Fraser: They didn't have to be. They drowned on dry land. For the call. I appreciate you putting yourself out for me.[Fraser is addressing envelopes and Dief is licking them shut. LeeAnn watches. After Consulate closes, Fraser puts LeeAnn in a taxi] 
Fraser: Taxi! 
LeeAnn: You know. We even heard about your father down here. He was quiet the man. 
Fraser: Yes. He was a great man. Walk her to her door. 
Cabby: This is Canadian. 
Fraser: So is she. 
[sitting in a diner] 
Ten January, nineteen sixty nine. I tracked McClay up through Chilkat Pass. I found him at the top half a mile from the border. His ankle was broken, his ammunition spent. He just sat staring at the horizon. I took his rifle without a struggle. All he said was, 'Don't tell my son' and then he jumped. The man was falling to his death and all he cared about was how his son would remember him. I buried him there this morning. I'll tell Gerard he got away from me. The last time I saw Ben he was barely tall enough to reach my belt. When I said good-by, he shook my hand. Never a tear nor a complaint. Seven years old and he's already a stronger man than I'll ever be. Someday I'll tell him.
[Ray shows up at the diner] 
Vecchio: You know I started thinkin when you left. 
Fraser: You solved all forty one cases? 
Vecchio: Well, I got restless, made a few calls. The truth? I checked every snitch I ever knew. No one's talkin. No one knows Drake, no one wants to know me. what's this? 
Fraser: It's my father's journal. I was just reading. 
Vecchio: Looking for something you missed? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Vecchio: Nineteen sixty nine? Going back a ways. Find anything? 
Fraser: I don't know. 
Vecchio: Look. I know how you must feel. I mean if it was my old man? Well, if it was my old man, I'd be the last person you'd want on the case. He pretty much thought that I screwed up everything I ever touched. You know he's been dead for five years now and I still feel like I'm trying to prove myself to him? Your father want you to be a cop? 
Fraser: I don't know. All these years and I can't remember him asking me to do anything for him. Not one thing. This is the only time he's ever needed my help. 
Vecchio: You got any other family? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: Well I'm gonna show you why you are a lucky man. Come on. 
[Ray's House] 
Mrs. Vecchio: Maria, you are not getting an annulment. 
Maria: Ma, how can you say that? The man is an animal. 
Mrs. Vecchio: You're among friends, use your fingers. 
Maria: Ma. Ma. He's a beast. 
Mrs. Vecchio: A man who buys his wife a leopard print house coat is no beast. 
Maria: For our anniversary? Five years we've been together. All he can come up with is a used house coat. 
Tony: It was not used. The guy just happened to sell lingerie out of the trunk. 
Vecchio: You make any sense out of the dead caribous? 
Fraser: Uh no. Um. 
Mrs. Vecchio: Francesca, you stay out of this. 
Francesca: Ma! Thank you! 
Fraser: Is it always like this? 
Vecchio: It's okay, they only attack the ones they love. 
Tony: I'll tell you ma 
Maria: Don't you call her Ma. And get your own Polenta. You ate it all. 
Tony: She's still my mother-in-law and I'll call her what I like. You understand. 
Mrs. Vecchio: All right, stop the arguing, I'll get the polenta. 
Francesca: No, Ma. Don't touch the polenta. He can get his own. 
Maria: He is my husband, I will tell him not to get the polenta. 
Francesca: Well maybe you should tell him not to get the polenta after all. 
Fraser: [clears throat] Perhaps I could get the polenta. 
Tony: Would you bring the pan please? 
Mrs. Vecchio: He's very nice . . . so polite. 
Vecchio: He's Canadian, Ma. 
Mrs. Vecchio: Oh, I thought he was sick or something. 
Francesca: Is he married? What?!? 
Fraser: Ray? Polenta? 
Vecchio: Uh, sorta like a yellow pemmican. 
Francesca: At least my husband never yelled at the dinner table. 
Husband; Maybe because he wasn't around long enough to have a full meal. 
Francesca: [Hey! No fair! It's Italian.] 
Vecchio: He broke her arm. 
He did? 
Fraser: I found the polenta. 
Vecchio: We gotta go. 
Fraser: I'll get my hat. 
Mrs. Vecchio: Who broke who's arm? 
Vecchio: Drake. He broke his wife's arm. 
Francesca: Of course he did, he's a man isn't he? 
Maria: Oh -- all men are evil just because you can't keep one. 
Francesca; Oh sure. 
Vecchio: Now if we find the ex-wife, we find Drake. This is a woman who'd love to see him behind bars. 
Fraser: Thanks for dinner, ma'am. 
Mrs. Vecchio: ooo You hardly ate anything. Wait I'll wrap it up. 
Francesca: It was very nice to meet you. Maybe next time you can bring your girlfriend. 
Fraser: Oh I'm afraid I-I don't-- 
Francesca: Oh really? 
Mrs. Vecchio: Raymondo. 
Vecchio: Maaaaa! [definite whine in his voice, but he comes back and kisses her cheek] 
Mrs. Vecchio. Hey. [more italian] 
[outside of Mrs. Drakes apartment house] 
Fraser: Looks dark. 
Vecchio: Eh driver's license says she still lives here. Now watch what you say to her you don't want to spook her. And take your lead from me you got to know how to play these people. 
[Fraser is tasting stuff on the street] 
Vecchio: What are you doing. Put that down you don't know where that's been. Oh no that is disgusting! Put that down. Don't do that. God! That is disgusting. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Vecchio: Can't I take you anywhere? 
[Drakes apartment] 
Vecchio: Mrs. Drake, police may we come in? Thank you. 
Mrs. Drake: Do you have a warrant? Hey my kid is sleeping. 
Vecchio: We're looking for your husband, Mrs. Drake. 
Mrs. Drake: We're divorced he doesn't live here and get out of my house. 
Vecchio: But you know where he is. 
Mrs. Drake: Yeah we exchange love letters. I don't see him, I don't speak to him now get out of my house. 
Vecchio: Come on you don't want us taking you in. Wakin up the kid right? Now has he seen his father? 
Mrs. Drake: Get out. Get out of my house. 
Fraser: Ma'am we're sorry to disturb you. We won't keep you any longer. Let's go. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Great. You know maybe we shoulda had tea on your chesterfield instead. 
Fraser: Sorry, oh uh Mrs. Drake. When your husband was here this afternoon did he threaten? 
Mrs. Drake: I haven't seen him, okay? 
Fraser: We can protect you. 
Mrs. Drake: He's in Chinatown. Don't think you can just arrest him, kill the son of a bitch. 
[on the street] 
Vecchio: Okay. Okay. It was the mud, right? You knew it came off his shoe because when you sniffed it, it smelled like: Mud! I mean, what else does much smell like? 
Fraser: Perhaps it was something off the floor of the bar. 
Vecchio: Wood? No no no. Beer and maybe a peanut shells and when you tasted it, which by the way I can't believe you put that in your mouth you tasted the salt from the peanut shells and knew that he had been here, right? 
Fraser: Wrong. I guessed. I had a hunch. 
Ray. No no no no. You don't have hunches. I have hunches. 
Fraser: I had one of your hunches Ray. Felt good. 
Vecchio: And what was it with the mud? You put mud in your mouth. 
Fraser: Ray, she was looking out the window and I simply made her believe I found something. 
Vecchio: You made her believe you were a mud eater. I can't believe I'm sitting in the same car with you. 
Fraser: Where's this address. 
Vecchio: Why? What are you gonna do? Tell him to surrender or you're gonna eat something off the curb? 
[Mrs. Drake's apartment] 
Drake: It's very convincing. [to boy] Now let's put you and your mama to bed, huh? 
[Chinatown] 
Vecchio: One-two-seven hundred Franklin, one officer on the scene and tell 'em not to shoot the guy in the hat. 
Elaine: Back ups on the way. 
[on street] 
Vecchio: So where you from? 
Fraser: Is this a good time to be discussing this? 
Vecchio: Come on. We're two friends out for a walk. Where you from? 
Fraser: Well, I grew up with my grandparents in Inuvik. 
Vecchio: Really? Is that downtown Inuvik or the outskirts. 
Fraser: More the outskirts. Then when I was eight we moved to Alert and after that Tuktoyatuk. 
Vecchio: Ah, let me guess. Your grandparents were what -- nomadic glacier farmers? 
Fraser: Librarians. Do we have a warrant? 
Vecchio: Practically. 
[they break into the apartment] 
Vecchio: Here's a man who doesn't know how to spend his money. 
Fraser: You know Ray -- 
Vecchio: Fraser! [Then Ray pushes him out the window before the explosion] 
[hospital...with Ray in the bed] 
Vecchio: I uh I think this was a big mistake. 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Vecchio: I screwed up. I'm sorry. 
Fraser: Don't. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Gerard: Ben. You were suppose to work through the police. You'd no right to be in that apartment working this case. You'll have to come back with me. There'll be a fitness board hearing. I did what I could. 
Fraser: I know. 
Gerard: I'll get the car. 
LeeAnn: I'm sorry. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
LeeAnn: Oh uh, I'll get him through quarantine. I'll have him back up north before you are. 
Fraser: Thank You. 
[Gerard's car] 
Gerard: You know what I was just thinking about? The first time I met your father. We were standing out for inspection and he had one boot on. Sergeant looks down at his feet and says - [Drake blows out the window] 
Fraser [to Gerard]: You okay? 
[Drake is in van, Fraser on the roof, they finally stop] 
Drake: Come on, come on, come on, move!
Fraser: I've got him! 
Gerard. No, I got him. [and he shoots Drake dead] He reached for his knife. 
Fraser: There was no knife. 
Gerard: The man killed your father. He was reaching for his knife. We both saw it. 
Gerard [to arriving cops]: RCMP! 
[Canada] 
[sitting near a dam] 
Eric: This used to be a feeding ground for thousands of caribou. They lived off the land and so did we. Till the water came. They said it wouldn't change anything but now some nights the rivers run backward. Land becomes an ocean and the caribou die. And in the morning the ocean is gone all back here neat and tidy. 
Fraser: Why haven't you told someone. 
Eric: Told your father. He didn't do anything. Neither will you. 
Doo Mah! 
[on the road, near the dam] 
Fraser: He knew what they were doing at the dam. 
Gerard: Most people around here did. And they earn their livings off it. People want homes, jobs. You know how much money this dam brought into this community? How many people would be hurt if they shut it down? Progress has it's price. 
Fraser: And what was yours? They paid to keep quiet about it. He was going to turn you in. That's what I'm going to do. 
Gerard: I wasn't the only one they paid. Gave his whole life to the people up here. And all he ended up with was that shack of his. He wanted to buy a little piece of land up there some place. Ya blame him? Can you see your dad stuck in some government retirement home? Not likely. It wasn't easy to convince him to take the money but he finally did. [Gerard hold's out a bank book] 
Fraser: This is just a piece of paper. 
Gerard: Didn't start off such a big thing. They built the damn thing wrong. Can't hold that much water. So you twist a valve here press a button there you let out a little. Only it turned out to be more than a little and they had to keep doing it. I think when he saw what they were doing to the land he just couldn't live with it. He wanted out. They wanted me to do it. But I couldn't. I made the call. 
Fraser: He was your friend, you son of a bitch. [Holds a gun on Gerard, but he's shaking and you know he won't pull the trigger, he's just angry] 
Gerard: Yes, he was. Your father was a great man. A hell of a lot better man than me. And now he's only got one thing left. His reputation. Arrest me and you take away the only thing he loved more. It's your call. Check the bank, it's all there. I'm sorry. 
[town] 
Politician: The enormous prosperity which phase one of our operation has brought to this region will be more than doubled by phase two. A facility which will not only boon the economy of this unique community but which will when completed provide vital hydro electric power for the people and industries of most of the eastern seaport. Ladies and gentlemen with great pride I give you Phase two. 
Gerard: He won't cause any trouble. 
Politician: Good cause I'd hate to see a perfectly good career go to waste. 
Gerard: Yours or mine? 
Politician: This time do it right.
[Fraser is in his cabin, puttering, opens a chest and adds the bank book to the contents. He hears someone outside, goes to door with rifle in hand, yanks open the door and finds Ray, in snowsuit, sunglasses and a neck brace] 
Vecchio: You ever think about getting a phone? We use em quite a bit in the states now. Maybe you seen the commercials for em. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Go ahead, shoot. Be a hell of a lot easier than getting out of this snowsuit. 
Fraser: You suppose to be out of the hospital? 
Vecchio: Figured out who did it. I was lying there and I just kept going over and over it in my head. Drake didn't have a phone in his apartment house. How did he do business. So I check out the pay phone at the bar we busted up. One call to Canada. Number in this area code. You know who he called? 
Fraser: Gerard. 
Ray. Exactly--You knew? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ray; You couldn't have called and told me this? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Vecchio: Dropped me a post card saying 'Hi, I've solved the case.' 
Fraser: My mistake. 
Vecchio: 'Don't bother crawling out of your deathbed and flying up to the armpit of the frozen north. I figured out who did it?' 
Fraser: Can I help you get out of that? 
Vecchio: Just point me to the john. [he looks around the room] 
Fraser: Well, uh . . . 
*** 
Vecchio: So we got some fishing rods, a rifle last used by Chuck Conner's and a bag of rice. So what's your plan. 
Fraser: We wait for them to come. 
Vecchio: Yeah . . . and . . . 
Fraser: Then we arrest them. 
Vecchio: You see, that's such a simple plan that the American mind automatically tends to discount it, so let me run it back to you. We wait here. Gerard and God knows who else comes, sometime when? We're not sure. And then, when we least expect it, they shoot us dead with automatic weapons. Any part I left out? 
Fraser: Yes. I need Gerard alive to testify so we can't kill him. 
Vecchio: Oh, I don't think we're in any danger doing that. 
Fraser: When I graduated from the Academy, my father gave me one piece of advice. He said always . . . no, he said never . . . well actually he gave me two pieces of advice but I've forgotten the other one but the important one is, never chase a man over a cliff. 
Vecchio: That's suppose to mean something in Canadian, isn't it? 
Fraser: If you're going to take on a man, you'd better know more than he does. Our strength is I know this area better than anyone. There weakness is they think they have an advantage. 
Vecchio: Let me see that bag. Being an American, I also know where my strength lies, and that's in being as heavily armed as possible at all times. [dumps contents] It's all completely legal, I swear to you. 
Fraser: Time to feed the troops.
[Ray makes it out a trap door and finds Fraser] 
Vecchio: You okay? 
Fraser: They're here. 
Vecchio: Yeah. They knocked. 
Fraser: This way. We're taking the sled. 
Vecchio: With dogs? Go go go. Mush mush. Yee-ha mush go. 
Fraser: Okay guys. 
[on sled, the chase continues] 
Fraser: Haw. 
Vecchio: Haw? What is Haw? 
Fraser: Left. Haw. Use that. [hands him a sled anchor] 
Vecchio: How? 
Fraser: Get down. Hang on. 
Vecchio: Watch the arm. 
Fraser: Hill. Haw. Look when we get past that bend, jump off. They'll follow me. 
Vecchio: Like Hell. Because I'll be dead from falling off the sled. 
Fraser: Just get this guy off my tail. I can take care of the other one. 
Vecchio: Alright. [jumps...groan...pant] aw geeze, geeze. I've got to have some more...[groan...he means bullets.] Gee! [throws a stick and gets the guy] Cool!

Fraser: HA HA *Man chaisng OFM goes over a cliff* Obviously your father never gave you that piece of advice. 
*Dief has been shot... here a gun being set.* 
Fraser: It's over you cant cover this one up you shoot me and they'll hunt you to the ends of the earth.*GUN SHOT HEARD (G shot)* 
Innuit guy - Sorry I thought he was a caribou so many hunting accidents. 
Fraser: Hold on Diefenbaker... we'll get you fixed up open your eyes when I'm talking to you.. I said hold on... you never listen. 
Vecchio: Help me put him on the sled (Gerrard) 
Fraser: No we'll come back for him later. OK Guys. 
Vecchio: You know we just took out 7 guys 1 more and you qualify for American citizenship. 
*Reporter out side a court house* 
Reporter- In a stunning set back for the defence Gerrard pleaded guilty today and agreed to testify against his co defendent... now ... while attempting to distance itself from the murder trial the new government was quick to deny any wrong doing at its East Bay Power Plant... Maintaining that 10,000 caribou drowned in the forest as a result of a series of freak natural occurances... Phase 2 of the project is scheduled to begin construction this year... will flood a wilderness area the size of Germany. Shelley Perry Channel 6 news. 
The chief- You didn't make a lot of friends today. There is no record of your father making any withdrawals... None of the deposits were made in person... Ppl will believe what they want to believe, I know what I do. 
Fraser: I appreciate that. 
Chief- I talked to the super at your last job .. he suggested transfering you further north. 
Fraser: Well that would put me in Russia Sir. 
Chief- Seems the only ppl that do want you are in Chicago. If I were you I'd make do until things calm down. 
Fraser: How long will that be? 
Chief- You turned in one of your own.. It's not right but.... 
Fraser: Thanks for trying Sir... 
Chief- Everyone says he was the last of a breed... It's not true... you are. 
* The cabin... Ben nails up the shutters... Dief is whining* 
Fraser: I'm not carrying you... I'm not... All right *picks the wolf up* Just dont get comfortable. 
**- Chicago... on sentry post... Ray trying to get a response from B.. not succeeding. 
Vecchio: Listen I just want to know if you can really smell whats in mud?? .. Cos I've been following this guy... Are you listening to me... I can't believe it I get my ass blown off for yu and you can't even nod... OK... How about winking... winkings against the law??? 
Guy who borrowed $100 dollars of B at the airport: Ah when he gets off work can you give him this ... its the hundred he lent me.... 

End of The Pilot
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Free Willie

(scene of the quiet city) 
[Robbers in elevator getting ready, exit and proceeds to rob the place] 
Robber: Good afternoon. Ah! Get down on the floor. On the floor now. Get down now. Nobody move. Ah! On the ground -- keep your head down. Get down. Get down there. Get on the floor. Get down. Stay on the floor. Shut up! Get out of my way. Here it is. Let's go. Move. Move. Move. Come on. Nobody move. Get back down. On the floor. On the floor. Get back down. 
[Robbers exit the elevator, onto the street they separate] 
[in Riv] 
Vecchio: Fraser, you do not want to live in this neighborhood. Cops do not live in areas like this. Most people we bust won't live here. 
Fraser: Why? It's central, convenient. I could walk to work in seven minutes. 
Vecchio: Not without backup. 
Fraser: 231. It's just up on the right. 
Vecchio: Do me a favor. Let's just turn around. I'll take you back to your hotel. 
Fraser: Oh I can't. I checked out. The windows wouldn't open. 
Vecchio: Fraser, this is Chicago, the only reason to open a window is to get a better aim. 
[Fraser standing on street grinning at his surroundings, then into the building] 
Vecchio: Oh yeah I can see what draws you to this place. Decorative graffiti motifs, the cleaver use of plumbing to create the waterfall effect and the ease and convenience of being able to dump your garbage right into the hall. 
Fraser: I forgot to ask if they take pets. Diefenbaker. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah. A dog could easily throw off the delicately balanced ecosystem. Don't worry big fella, you'll have plenty to hunt in here. 
Fraser: Pardon us. 
[Dennis looking down at them from the floor above] 
Dennis: Yo. I found the keys. 
Fraser: I'll be right up sir. Ray - Ray - Ray. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Is my lanyard straight? 
Vecchio: He's a slum lord. 
Dennis: Up here on the terrace level is where you get your great view. Of course it costs a little extra but worth every penny. 
Vecchio: It there a terrace? 
Dennis: No. 
Fraser: Would you like to see my references now? 
Dennis: References? 
Vecchio: It's like a rap sheet. 
Dennis: No, that's okay. 
Fraser: Mrs. Garcia,[door slams] Mr. Campbell.[door slams] Hello Mr. Mustafi.[door slams] 
Vecchio: You know these people? 
Fraser: No, I memorized their names from the mailboxes. Good morning Ms Krezjapolou.[door slams] It only takes a little extra effort to be a good neighbor, Ray. 
[the apartment] 
Dennis: This is the place. The furniture, appliances and all of this great stuff is included. Utilities are extra. [at the window with Fraser] On a good day, you can see Canada just across the lake. 
Fraser: Canada is four hundred and eighty miles due North. 
Dennis: You have to really squint. 
(scream) 
Fraser: Excuse me. I'll be back. Dief -- go. (jumps out the window) 
Dennis: He's not some kind of nut, is he? 
[Ray and Dennis looking out at him] 
Vecchio: He's a Mountie. It's something they do. 
Vecchio: Hey Benny, you want to hold up there? 
Dennis: Hey you taken the place or what? 
[Ray crawls out the window] 
Fraser: I'll be right back with the deposit. 
Dennis: Well you better. This place is in high demand. 
[Dief passes two street people] 
Street person 1: Looked like a wolf. 
Street person 2: Yep. 
[Willie running along the street, Fraser running on the roofs] 
Fraser: Good morning. 
Rooftop worker: Good morning. 
[Ray not too far behind but not willing to jump from roof to roof] 
Vecchio: Well come on, you gonna help me or what? 
Worker: I'm on lunch. 
Fraser: This...[jumps and is barely hanging on the edge of the building]was a mistake. 
Ray crawling over a ladder the worker put across the two buildings] 
Vecchio: Okay, this is good, this is fine. Whoa! [Dief running] Don't shake it. 
[Ray falls a short way, decides to go back for the ladder] 
Worker: Hey, I'm working here. 
Vecchio: So sue me. 
[Willie over the fence, Dief over the fence, Fraser's drain pipe gives] 
Fraser: Oh. [Lands in front of Willie] That's far enough son. 
Willie: What are you a flying Boy Scout or something? 
Fraser: Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. You've broken the law son, that carries a heavy penalty. Perhaps you didn't think it through. 
Willie: Man, back off, okay, just back off. 
Fraser: Well, I'm afraid I can't do that. Now if you'll hand me that purse. 
Willie: Said back off! 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. No. 
Willie: You better keep that dog off of me or I'll pop him too. 
Fraser: No you won't. You're going to hand me that gun. You're going to return that purse and you're going to apologize to that lady. 
Willie: Why? I got the gun. 
Fraser: Cause you don't want to hurt anyone and because if you don't you might end up hurting yourself. 
Willie: Well you know you're lucky cop. I coulda shot you right through the heart. 
Fraser: I don't think so, because that would require knowing how to take off the safety. 
Vecchio: Aaaaaaah [thump-Ray lands on the ground] 
Mrs. Dogwood: Apartment 4D. Six o'clock. 
Fraser: Well thank you Mrs. Dogwood, I'm looking forward to it. 
Mrs. Dogwood: Please, call me Enid. 
[Ray comes running] 
Vecchio: Hey! Hey! What's going on. 
Fraser: I've just been invited to dinner. 
Vecchio: Well where is he? 
Fraser: Who? 
Vecchio: The kid! The purse snatcher. Where is he? I wanna book him. 
Fraser: I let him go. 
Vecchio: You let him go? 
Fraser: Well he apologized and promised never to do it again. 
Vecchio: You just let him go? 
Fraser: Not without a stern warning. Also, he gave me this. 
Vecchio: Does the word 'incarcerate' mean anything to you?!? 
Fraser: Well it's from the Medieval Latin, 'incarerata . . . 
Vecchio: Medieval Latin? You let a perp go and you're giving me Medieval Latin? 
Fraser: Actually, perpetrator is also Latin, from perpetrare . . . 
Vecchio: Shut up, okay? Just shut up. 
[outside the Consulate] 
Marauding Cleaner Salesman: Now you strike me as a man with who has only one thing on his mind. You're saying to yourself, Why do I need another all purpose cleanser. Now, Dandy Cleanser isn't just any cleaning product. It removes rust, stains, mildew, always leaves a dandy shine. Hey look! You can see your face in it. 
Vecchio: No kidding, can you see my badge in it? 
Marauding Cleaner Salesman: That I can. 
Vecchio: Okay I know you're acting as Canada's last line of defense here, guarding your consulate against marauding cleaner salesmen, but we've got a problem. You know that gun you took off the purse snatcher this morning? I ran it through ballistics, guess what it spit out. Go ahead, guess. You need a clue? It rhymes with the kid shot somebody. All right, not interested? I'll catch you later. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Ah sure now you want to talk. 
Fraser: Shift just ended. What do you mean shot somebody. 
Vecchio: A bullet from the kids gun matches one that they dug out of a guys arm yesterday. Robbery at a brokerage firm. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
Fraser: He didn't do it you know. The kid. 
Vecchio: And if he did I'm sure he apologized. 
[27th precinct] 
Huey: Okay Mr. Hamlin as we play the tape I want you to talk us through it okay? 
Hamlin: Okay. 
Huey: Okay. 
Hamlin: Play the tape. 
Huey: Go ahead. 
Vecchio: Security camera runs twenty four hours in the place. They come in at 4:38 and gone by 4:41. Three minutes. 
Fraser: Indicating someone with a lot of experience. 
Vecchio: Or someone quick on their feet. 
Hamlin: Here they are. Here they are. Three of them. Two of them were maybe six feet, the other one wasn't even five foot three or four. The little one just stuck a gun in my ribs. He just shot someone I thought. 
Louis: Yeah sure you did. Did he say anything? 
Hamlin: Just open the vault so I did. 
Huey: Looks like they knew what they were after. They didn't touch any of the other stuff. 
Hamlin: Just the bearer bonds. 
Huey: The little one, you said he was five three or four. Could it have been a kid? You know, a teenager. 
Hamlin: I'm not sure, uh, yeah, I suppose, yes. 
Vecchio: Not a betting man are you Benny? 
[interrogation room] 
Vecchio: Lambert, William. Age 13. Quite a little record here Willie. Seven arrests. First at age ten. Petty theft. Theft. More theft. 
Willie. I had to support my mother. 
Vecchio: You don't have a mother, kid. 
Social Worker: He also has no convictions so you shouldn't have that list. 
Vecchio: We don't need it. We checked your prints against the gun. The only ones that come up are yours. You're going down for this one Willie. 
Willie: I told you I found it somewhere. 
Social Worker: You don't have to tell them nothing. Okay? 
Fraser: Well that's true but I'd suggest it's in Willie's interest to talk to us. If you are innocent son, there is no reason to incarcerate you. 
Social Worker: You're not from around here are you? 
Willie: I'm suppose to trust you? 
Fraser: Well I think you know you can. 
Willie: Look. All I know about cops is all they want to do is just put you away. 
Fraser: All right. Ray I think we've done all we can here. 
Vecchio: Yeah the kid's born mean. 
Willie: Hey-hey-hey wait a minute. You're not going to offer me some kind of deal or something? 
Fraser: No. All I can give you is my word that I'll do my best for you. 
Social Worker: Not good enough. 
Willie: She said it. 
Fraser: I understand. Ray? 
Vecchio: Too bad kid. 
[exit room] 
Vecchio: Good, let him sweat. Punk'll crack in twenty minutes. 
Fraser: He's scared but he's a pretty tough kid. I don't think he'll respond to threats. 
Huey: Nice job Vecchio. 
Vecchio: Is that a compliment Jack or do my ears deceive me. 
Huey: Oh don't be so hard on yourself, Ray. Sooner or later you have to solve one case. Did your Mountie friend help you? 
Fraser: Benton Fraser, Deputy Liaison Officer. 
Louis: Jack Huey, Louis Gardino, actual detective. 
Vecchio: Or as we call them, Huey and Lewie. 
Louis: It's Louis, Vecchio and I don't like your mouth. 
Vecchio: Touchy Lewie. 
Louis: You want to see touchy? 
Vecchio: Yeah, I do. 
Huey: Easy fellas. If you'll excuse us fellas. Gardino and I have a suspect to interrogate. Thank you. 
Vecchio: Hey Jack that's my pinch. You talk to this kid without me and I'll take it to the Lt. 
Jack: Sure, Ray, if you think your record will support that. Go ahead. 
Vecchio: Are you maligning my record, Jack? 
Fraser: Ray, we're on the same team. These men are highly skilled investigators. I'm sure if they need our help, they'll ask. 
Louis: Oh, absolutely. 
Huey: Absolutely. 
Vecchio: How could you do that? How could you turn my case over to them? 
Fraser: The lunch room is this way? 
Vecchio: Do you know how many times an offender falls right into your lap? How many times do you think that happens, huh, Fraser? How many?!?! 
Vecchio: You know what your problem is? You think if you're nice to people, people will be nice to you. 
[in lunch room] 
Vecchio: You make this or scrape it off the street? 
Vending Guy: Salmon, right? 
Fraser: Thank you, Hugo. 
Vecchio: You know maybe up in the Arctic Circle you cooperate with your cop buddies, I mean, who's going to fight over ice, right? 
Fraser: Well, actually there was an incident once-- 
Vecchio: I don't want to hear it. Down here you make you're own case or you turn into a bicycle cop. And how do you know his name? 
Fraser: It's written on his shirt. 
Vecchio: This is what's wrong with you! You don't know what's important and what's not. The name of the vending machine guy is not important. This is a detail you do not need to record. You want to record a detail? Try this. That was my case. 
[outside interrogation room] 
Huey: Okay. The kid said he'd only talk to the guy in the hat. Could you? 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: I'm with the guy in the hat, fellas, you're not. 
[interrogation room] 
Willie: I told you I didn't shoot nobody. I never even saw the gun before yesterday. 
Fraser: Where did you see it? 
Willie: Someplace. 
Vecchio: Like your pocket. 
Social Worker: Interview is over. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. May I? Why don't you tell us how you found it, Willie? 
Willie: I was on my way home from school? 
Ray clears throat. 
Willie: okay, the track. And I see this lady come out of this building on Michigan Avenue. 
Vecchio: You got a number on that building. 
Willie: Oh yeah right. I wrote it down on my lap top. Well anyway, she goes down this alley and there's no one around and her bag is just hanging there so I grab it and took off. I get away, find the gun in the bag, end of story. 
Vecchio: 'Fraid not Tolstoy. You see, you happen to steal a bag that happens to have a gun in it which happens to have been used in commission of a robbery. 
Willie: So I had a bad day. 
Vecchio: Tell me something I don't know. 
Fraser: This woman. Can you describe her? 
Willie: Depends. Can you get me out of here? Right-right I know, you'll do your best. 
[Welsh's office] 
Huey: No way. No way is that kid going to walk. 
Louis: Lt. we have his prints on the gun and it was in his procession. 
Vecchio: The kid's a pick pocket. He could have gotten the gun anywhere. Your eye witness can't even place him at the scene, Lewis. 
Louis: One of the offenders matches his height and frame, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, you're right, why try to find who did it when you can blame the nearest twelve year old. I know a toddler who you can arrest for assault. 
Louis: That's enough. You and me on the roof. 
Welsh: Waoh-ho-o- easy now. 
*** 
Welsh: Detective Vecchio, I could have sworn I specifically assigned this case to Detective Huey and Detective Gardino. 
Louis: That's right Lt. Our case our call. 
Welsh: Shut up Louie. 
Louis: It's Louis sir. 
Vecchio: Lieutenant? Could I help it if the kid'll only talk to a Mountie? 
Welsh: Ah yes. The Mountie. I thought they sent you back up to the Yukon? 
Fraser: Well they did, sir. And then they sent me back here again. I'm afraid I'm not at all that well liked up there, sir. 
Welsh: By up there you mean... 
Fraser: Pretty much all of Canada, sir. 
Welsh: Hmm, the wolf isn't involved in this is it? 
Vecchio: Only porifically, sir. 
Fraser: Permission to speak freely, sir? 
Welsh: This I like. Permission to speak freely. Go ahead young man. 
Fraser: Leftenant, Willie Lambert is a petty thief. If he'd stolen a million dollars in bearer bonds, he'd hardly be on the streets the next morning stealing purses. 
Welsh: Good reason. Louie? 
Louis: Maybe some of the bigger kids took it away from him. How could I know. 
Fraser: He says he found the gun in a brief case he stole. He can identify its owner. 
Vecchio: We've got him out there right now sir putting together a composite. 
Huey: Lt. you let that kid walk out of here you'll never see him again. 
Welsh: Are you willing to take responsibility for him? 
Vecchio: Personally? You see that's the problem sir, in that you know, I date a lot. 
Welsh: Huey and Louie get him. 
Louis: Good call Lt. 
Fraser: I'll take responsibility sir. 
Welsh: You want him? 
Vecchio: It's a Mountie thing sir. Two more points and he gets to go camping. 
Welsh: All right. You got him. 
Louis: Wait a minute, Lt. You gotta-- 
Fraser: Thank you sir. 
Welsh: One more thing. If you lose him, Vecchio loses his shield. 
Fraser: That's perfectly reasonable sir. 
[at Elaine's desk] 
Vecchio: Do you know who this is? This is Heather Lockley. The kid is yanking our chain. 
Willie: Hey-hey wait a minute. I saw her for two seconds. You try to draw one of these things. 
Elaine: I'll run it through VI-CAP see if I can find a match. 
Fraser: Thanks, Elaine. 
Elaine: Want me to call you at home? 
Vecchio: My case, Elaine, me. Detective Vecchio. Police officer. You talk directly to me, okay? 
Elaine: But I should probably have the number just in case. 
Fraser: Oh, uh--I'm afraid I don't have-- 
Vecchio: He uses smoke signals. We'll call in. Willie? Come on, mush. 
*** 
Vecchio: What? They don't have women in the Yukon? 
Fraser: Certainly. It's just they're not quite so ... uh ... 
Female Cop: Like your dog. 
Fraser: He's white. 
Vecchio: Oh very smooth. 
Female Cop: Call me. 
Vecchio: Get out. And you, get out. Call me. You throw out a lame line like that and she says, 'Call me.' 
[On the street] 
Vecchio: Oh, yeah this is going to be fun. [Willie takes off, gets on a bus] Stop that kid. [to Fraser] We lost the little creep. We lost him. 
Fraser: He'll be back. 
[Willie gets off the bus with Dief] 
Willie: Can I just say I really appreciate the trust you placed in me. 
Vecchio: Yeah, right. 
Willie: My sister was on that bus. I just wanted to tell her I wouldn't be in school for a while. 
Vecchio: You've got one more chance kid. One. 
Willie: Okay-okay. You want evidence, I'll show you lots of evidence. Gee. 
[Alley] 
Vecchio: So where is it? 
Willie: It should be here. I dropped it around here somewhere. 
Fraser: Nothing fits the description, Willie. 
Willie: Man, maybe it was stolen or something. 
Vecchio: Again? 
Willie: Maybe you noticed this isn't the best neighborhood, cop. 
Vecchio: This kid is making me angry. 
Fraser: What have you got? 
Vecchio: Why does this have to be my life? Mounties. Dogs. 
Fraser: Come on Ray. 
Vecchio: We're coming we're coming. You hook up the sled. 
[further down alley] 
Lady: Say ah. Yeah. Is your dog? 
Fraser: Yes ma'am. 
Lady: Nice dog. Good listener. 
*** 
Lady: Hey-hey. 
Fraser: Actually he's deaf. 
Lady: Nice doggy. 
Vecchio: Okay-okay, so what have we got? 
Willie: There it is. 
Fraser: Uh, Ray, this is uh-- 
Vecchio: Enough with the names. Police. Give me the bag. 
Lady: Oh come on! 
Lady: Help! 
Fraser: Ray. 
Fraser: Excuse me ma'am. That brief case is needed in a criminal investigation. We'd be most appreciative of your cooperation. 
Lady: Fifty bucks. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm not giving her fifty bucks. 
Fraser: Well I'm afraid all I can give you is five. 
Lady: Why this money is blue? 
Fraser: It's Canadian. 
Lady: I am not. 
Vecchio: All right. All right. Give me the bag. 
Fraser: Thank you ma'am. 
Vecchio: Don't look like bonds to me. 
Willie: What? 
[Morgan watching from her car] 
Morgan: I found the kid, now I don't think you want to do that right now. He's with some cops. and they found your phony bonds. Hey quit whining I'm the one he can identify. I said I'd take care of him and I will. Just you make sure my share doesn't disappear or I'll take care of you. Understood? 
[Willie's apartment] 
Vecchio: I'm warning you, Willie, I'm not taking anymore of you. If I find a bond in here kid, you're going ways for this. 
Willie: I didn't take no stupid bonds. I don't even know what a bond is. 
Fraser: there wasn't anything else in the bag. Certificates with seals on them? 
Willie: On my sister's life. And I do have a sister. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, so where is she? 
Willie: Around. 
Fraser: Is she the one who does the shopping? 
Willie: She's been busy, okay? So you two go home, get some rest and we'll start fresh in the morning. Okay? 
Fraser: He can't stay here. 
Vecchio: Well he's not staying at my place. 
Fraser: Can you make a bed? 
Willie: You mean, out of twigs? 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Willie: Satisfied? 
Fraser: Couldn't have done better myself. 
Willie: Wow. So I took out the trash, washed the walls and made the bed eight thousand times. What's next. Maneuvers? 
Fraser: Here. 
Willie: For what? 
Fraser: You earned it. 
Willie: Yeah? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Fraser: Goodnight Diefenbaker. 
Willie: Fraser? You know crack dealers are even afraid to come into this neighborhood? 
Fraser: Goodnight Willie. 
Willie: Fraser? 
Fraser? Uh huh? 
Willie: Why is this money pink? 
Fraser: Goodnight Willie. 
Willie: Goodnight. 
[Ray's car] 
Elaine: Her name's Carol Morgan alias Morgan Thomas. 
Vecchio: Whoa-whoa-whoa, Elaine. Is that a definite make? 
Elaine: According to the FBI. Is Fraser with you? 
Vecchio: Fraser doesn't work there, Elaine, I do. Now about the suspect. 
Elaine: Armed robbery, three arrests, one conviction all in Florida. 
Vecchio: Long way to come to steal blank paper. 
Fraser: Indeed. 
Elaine: Fraser? Is that you? 
Fraser: You better stay here. 
Vecchio: You can't leave him in the car. 
Fraser: He'll be fine. 
Willie: Absolutely. 
Fraser: Dief. Dief. Stay. 
Willie: Shoo. 
*** 
Fraser: After you sir. After you. 
Vecchio: Do all Canadians grow up longing to be doormen, because this does explain the uniform. 
Fraser: Why five o'clock? 
Vecchio: Sorry? 
Fraser: Why pick the busiest time of the day to stage a robbery. 
Vecchio: So you can disappear into the crowd. 
Fraser: Still you think of all the potential witnesses, the difficulty of making a get away. 
Vecchio: Can we talk about this inside? 
Fraser: Oh, certainly. 
Vecchio: Why not. After you. Oh please, after you. Anybody else? 
[Hamlin's office] 
Vecchio: You recognize this Mr. Hamlin? 
Hamlin: This could be it but it's hard to say. Every financial firm in this city uses these. 
Vecchio: Could you have made a mistake. Handed the thief the wrong portfolio? 
Hamlin: Huh, don't I wish. But the auditors have combed this place from top to bottom. If the bonds were still here they'd have found them. Is he? 
Fraser: Observing. 
Vecchio: He's very thorough. 
Hamlin: So I see. 
*** 
Willie: Now I'm just going to go for a little walk. Okay-okay. Geeze. 
*** 
Hamlin: Well perhaps the thief handed the bonds off to an accomplice. Or maybe the bag you found wasn't even hers? 
Fraser: It's a possibility. Thanks for your help. 
Hamlin: Anything I can do. 
[in hall] 
Vecchio: He is in on it. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Don't ask me how I know, but I know. 
Vecchio: How do you know? 
Fraser: Same way you do. 
Vecchio: I guessed. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Ray; What do you mean, Oh? How do you know? You stick a wet finger in the air and you decide he was a thief? 
Fraser: No-no. From that all I can tell is they have a malfunction in the ventilating system. 
[to repairman on ladder] 
Fraser: Pardon me, you have a broken cooling vent in suite B[the to Ray] It's of no importance, Ray. 
Vecchio: So? 
Fraser: He told us. He referred to the thief as her. 
Vecchio: And before he said they were all men as did the other witnesses so the only way he could know is if he was in on it. 
Fraser: Exactly. 
Vecchio: Well, exactly. 
*** 
Willie: See? We could take a walk in the park. I mean, it's a beautiful day. Oh, man you're a real pain, you know that? 
Bad guy: Come on. Come on. Come on, open the door.[breaks window of Riv while Willie is hot wiring the Riv] 
*** 
Vecchio: So the robbery had to be a cover. The thieves never had the bonds. Hamlin stole them. 
Fraser: My question is: How did Hamlin get the bonds out of the office and where are they? Per the accountant, the bonds were still in the vault before four p.m. 
Vecchio: And we know this because? 
Fraser: Because he signed the log in the vault and Hamlin never left the office all day. 
Vecchio: So the accountant took them. 
Fraser: No, everyone is checked by security upon leaving. 
Vecchio: Huh. So the question is: How did Hamlin get the bonds out and where are they? 
Fraser: Uh huh. 
[breaks front window] 
Bad guys: Come on. Come on. Get the dog. Come on, shoot the dog, shoot the dog. 
Fraser: Ray! 
Willie drives off just as the song It's All Over Now by the Headstones and Ray running after them] 
Vecchio: Fraser! 
Fraser: Be right there. 
Vecchio: Hey! 
[Fraser shows up with a carriage, Ray jumps on] 
Fraser: Oh, uh, hop up. 
Vecchio: Go-go-go! Good to see you Benny. 
Fraser: Good to see you Ray. 
Fraser: He-Yah! He-Yah! 
Vecchio: Through the park. 
Fraser: You got it Ray. 
Vecchio: Police! Police! Get out of the way. Get out of the way. 
Fraser: Sorry. He-Yah! 
Vecchio: Coming through. Coming through. Look out. Look out. 
Fraser: He-Yah! Sorry. Sorry-sorry-he-yah! 
Bad Guy: Go-go! 
Fraser: Whoa-whoa-whoa! 
[Ray runs to Riv, looks in, no Willie] 
Vecchio: Damn! 
[Song ends] 
[Welsh's office] 
Vecchio: So he yanks on the reins, the horses rear up, the car swerves, it takes off, it really was amazing, sir. 
Welsh: Sounds it. And how bout our witness? 
Vecchio: Oh, uh, yes, he uh what he did was he-- 
Fraser: He ran away. 
Vecchio: More or less, yes. 
Welsh: Mmm, what a shame. 
Vecchio: No one is more chagrin then myself sir. 
Huey: We got there too late, Hamlin is gone. 
Welsh: One disappointment after another. Perhaps if you had thought to call in before you went cantering through the park but these judgement calls are so difficult to make. 
Vecchio: Ah yes that's true sir. You really had to be there. 
Welsh: Would five o'clock be enough time to clear out your desk? I mean I don't want to rush you but uh we could use that space for actual police work. 
Vecchio: Five o'clock would be-- 
Fraser: Rush hour. 
Vecchio: Uh, he's just now picking these things up sir. 
Fraser: It has nothing to do with rush hour. 
Vecchio: No it just gives me enough time to pack. 
Fraser: Permission to leave sir. 
Welsh: Oh, yes. 
Vecchio: I better look after him sir. 
[Ray's desk] 
Fraser: Hamlin couldn't have taken the bonds out himself and he couldn't risk the bonds being missed. So they had to remain in the vault until just before the robbery. 
Vecchio: But if he was in on it why didn't he let the robbers take the bonds? 
Fraser: You know Ray, When I was a young man, my father told me one thing to always remember about thieves. Well, actually he told me two things, but I've forgotten the other one. Anyway, the important one is that despite the adage, you will rarely find honor among thieves. 
Vecchio: You can't remember the other one? 
Fraser: It was something about tying a wallet to your underwear. I was very young at the time. Anyway, the point is if they took the money during the robbery, then Hamlin would have to trust them to give him his share. 
Vecchio: And they don't look like trustworthy types. 
Fraser: Indeed, so he had to get them out just before the robbery but do it without drawing attention to himself. It would have to be a normal occurrence. Something that happened everyday just before five o'clock. 
Vecchio: The courier! That is so stupid. 
Fraser: It's simple. 
Vecchio: So he sent them to himself. 
Fraser: No to easy to trace. 
Vecchio: To the woman. 
Fraser: Doesn't trust her. 
Vecchio: To who then? 
Fraser: Maybe no one. 
Fraser: A fake name. A fake address, no way to trace it. 
Vecchio: Which means the package would end up back at -- 
Fraser: The depot. 
Vecchio: Exactly. 
Fraser: Which means-- 
Vecchio: I'm going the wrong way. hang on. 
[sirens] 
[Post office] 
P.O. Clerk: Okay miss can I help You? 
Morgan: My cut remember? Split that up right now. 
P.O.Clerk: It's your package. 
Lady: It isn't wrapped in butchers paper. My sister always uses butchers paper. 
P.O. Clerk: It's your package. 
Lady: Are you sure this is the right package? I don't think it's my package. 
Morgan: Take the package lady. 
P.O. Clerk: How can I help you? 
P.O. Clerk: Sign please. 
[bad guys over the counter] 
Vecchio: Which way-which way? 
[Ray over the counter] 
Morgan: Find him! 
Fraser: Uh, I'm here on an unofficial capacity. Do you mind if I? 
[Fraser over the counter] 
P.O. Clerk: Not at all. 
[Morgan dumps boxes onto Hamlin. Fraser ties him up] 
Fraser: Watch this guy. Dief. Stay. 
[Ray and bad guy on conveyor, fight, Fraser pulls bad guy off, Morgan running with bonds, drops part of them] 
Morgan: Lose it. 
*** 
Morgan: Don't move Boy Scout. Back right off. 
Fraser: You all right Ray? 
Vecchio: I'm well Fraser and you? 
Morgan: Dead in your tracks right there. Take out the gun and drop it on the floor. 
Vecchio: Don't do it Fraser, Take the shot. 
Fraser: I'm afraid I'm not carrying a gun. 
Morgan: Drop the gun. 
Fraser: I honestly don't have one. 
Vecchio: Sharp shooter first class. He can take the head off a pin. 
Fraser: He's right about that. 
Vecchio: Drop it or he takes you out. 
Fraser: I would if I had a gun, Ray. 
Morgan: Show me the gun! 
Fraser: Well, we'd have to go back to my office. I do have this knife. 
Vecchio: Oh, that's good Benny. Threaten her with camping utensils. 
Fraser: Can't afford to bluff Ray. She's already shot one person. 
Morgan: Drop it on the floor-drop it. The belt too. 
Fraser: Are you sure you've thought this through Ma'am? 
Morgan: Move over here slow. And pick up the bonds. 
Fraser: I don't think you want me to do that. 
Morgan: Pick them up. 
Fraser: All right. But it's a mistake. [picking them up] You see a bond is a bankable note. It's an instrument of trust between two people indicating a public promise that must be honored. Much like a promise I made to uphold the law. So you see the problem is now that I have the bonds in my hands I'm honor bound not to give them to you. 
Vecchio: Give her the bonds, Fraser. 
Fraser: I can't do that Ray. 
Morgan: You got three seconds and I shoot him! One. 
Fraser: I'm sorry Ray. 
Vecchio: What do you mean sorry? 
Morgan: Two. 
Ray; Give her the damn bonds. 
Fraser: Can't do it. I'm walking out of here with them. 
Morgan: That's it. He's dead. 
[Fraser turns and walks away] 
Fraser: Sorry to hear that. 
Vecchio: Fraser! 
Morgan: Three! [bang!] 
[Ray wrestles her to the ground] 
[Ray standing over Fraser] 
Fraser: She shot my hat, Ray. 
Vecchio: She shot you in the hat? 
Fraser: I can feel air coming in through the hole. 
Vecchio: She shot you in the hat, all right. 
Fraser: How does it look? 
Vecchio: Doesn't look good. 
Fraser: We'll have to go home and get my other one. 
Vecchio: We can do that, Fraser. 
Fraser: Thanks, Ray. 
[Ray helps him up] 
[walking through the building] 
Vecchio: All I'm saying is in the future it's a good idea that you don't suggest somebody shoot me. 
Fraser: Well I didn't want to Ray but it was necessary in order to enrage her. 
Vecchio: You wanted to enrage the person that had a gun to my neck, that was your strategy? 
Fraser: I knew that if I kept at it, eventually I'd draw her fire and you'd get your shot and I knew you'd trust me. 
Vecchio: But I didn't. 
Fraser: Yes you did. 
Vecchio: No, I didn't. 
Fraser: Yes. You did. 
Vecchio: No. I didn't. 
Fraser: Well of course you did. Maybe you just weren't fully aware of it. 
Vecchio: I was very aware of my feelings toward you, Fraser. 
Fraser: Well, if you didn't know what I was planning, then why'd you play along? 
Vecchio: I wasn't playing along. I was begging for my life! 
Fraser: Oh. Oh. Well. Uh, my mistake. 
Vecchio: Mistake? You coulda gotten me killed. 
Fraser: Well no, I'd never allow that. You're my friend. You're my best friend I'd have to say. 
Vecchio: I am? Hey! Exactly how many best friends have you had? 
[27th precinct] 
Vecchio: Elaine you should have seen me. So I land on the conveyor belt and this guy he jumps on my back and then suddenly-- 
Elaine: Fraser saves you. 
Vecchio: No-no, I flipped the guy off. but then he grabs a crowbar right? And he swings it at my- 
Elaine: Fraser grabs it. 
Vecchio: No, I duck and then out of nowhere-- 
Elaine: Fraser appears. 
Vecchio: Did you know that he pins his wallet to his underwear? 
Elaine: Cool. 
Fraser: Well, actually I was very young and the underwear was rather long and I . . . Ray? 
Elaine: Okay. 
[Ray's desk] 
Vecchio: Lt. you see I was gonna clean that out but --Willie! 
Welsh: He said you told him if he gets lost he should come here. 
Vecchio: Anybody can get lost right? 
Welsh: Yeah. You win kid. 
*** 
Welsh: Oh Vecchio, good work. 
Vecchio: He came back! 
Willie: If I didn't you woulda got it trouble, right? 
Vecchio: Right. 
Willie: I figure that's worth a twenty. 
Ray; No question about it. 
[outside Fraser's apartment] 
Fraser: All right you come over feed and walk him twice a day and I'll take him out again when I get home at night. Deal? 
Willie: Deal. 
Fraser: It's twenty five dollars a week as long as you stay in school. 
Willie: Wait a minute that uh -- 
Fraser: I know, I know, I'm sorry. Ray, would you mind? 
Vecchio: Here, take the wallet, just give me an allowance. 
Fraser: There you go. 
Willie: Come on Dief. 
[in car] 
Vecchio: You can't keep doing this you know. 
Fraser: What's that? 
Vecchio: Romping through the streets of Chicago rescuing widows and orphans as you may. 
Fraser: It's just one kid, Ray. 
Vecchio: You're not in a small town anymore you can't rescue everyone you meet. 
Fraser: No. I understand. 
Street Person: Hey Fraser! Thanks for the boots! 
Fraser: Glad they fit, Gerome. 

End of Free Willie
 
 
 
 
 
 

Diefenbaker's Day Off

[Dief lying on the rug, Fraser is getting ready for work.] 
Fraser: Now before I go to work, there's something we have to discuss. We are no longer in the Yukon. This is a big city and you can't just run around freely anymore. Like it or not you need a license. And I can't seem to get a license for a wolf. I've tried but they just don't issue them. Additionally they have something here called Animal Control Officers whos specific job it is to take unattended animals off the street. No. No. You can't take that attitude. These are hard working civic employees who perform a fine service for the community and for the animals themselves. [Dief barks and whines at him] All right, occasionally they put them to sleep but that's neither here nor there. The point is until we can work this out you have to stay in the apartment while I'm gone. So it's agreed. [Dief barks and whines] Good. I'll see you after work. 
[in the hall Fraser stops and peeks through the key hole at Dief who is still in same spot] 
Fraser: Morning Mr. Mustaffi.[slam] Mr. Campbell.[slam] Good morning Mrs. Garcia. [slam] [to woman with her hands full of bag and baby] Oh . . . may I help you? 
Woman: Sure. 
Fraser: Oh! Very unhappy. Come on. Okay let's go. This floor is it? 
[two floors up] 
Charlie: Come on Sweetie, I'm gonna be late. 
Lucy: Please can I go with you? 
Charlie: I already told you, daddy's got to go to work today. 
Lucy: I'll be very quiet. 
Charlie: I know you will but you got school. Hey, who's the toughest guy in the whole wide world. 
Lucy: You are. 
Charlie: And who can stop me from coming home to you? 
Lucy: Nobody. 
Charlie: And what would I do it someone tried? 
Lucy: Upper cut. Hook. Hook on the eyes. 
Charlie: That's right. Now you got your lunch all packed. Now do you promise to wait upstairs until the bus comes. I'll see you tonight, killer. 
Fraser: Good morning Lucy. 
Lucy: You know my name? 
Fraser: All the pretty girls are named Lucy. 
Lucy: It's on my lunch box. 
Fraser: Ah! you found me out. 
Lucy: Are you a police man? 
Fraser: Well yes I am but in Canada and the Consulate where I work. But outside the consulate I'm not. Unless I'm in Canada. That's not very clear. Um. Do you know what a Liaison Officer is? No of course you don't. Liaison Officer is, uh. . . 
Lucy: Policeman help people, right? 
Fraser: Well yes, we try. 
Lucy: Can you help my dad? He keeps on hurting himself. 
Fraser: He does? Where is he? 
Lucy: That's him. 
Fraser: What's his name? 
Lucy: Dad. 
Fraser: Well yes it would be. You know actually I'm on my way to work right now. You know what? I can spare you a few minutes. 
Lucy: You'll help him? 
Fraser: I'll help him. 
Lucy: Thanks. 
[Dief went out the window and is now roaming] 
Lady on Street: Hello Whitie. Want your cookie? 
[on the street] 
Charlie: What are you doing? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. Benton Fraser, RMCP. 
Charlie: You're a Mountie? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Charlie: Where'd you come from? 
Fraser: Apartment 3-J. You all right? 
Charlie: Yeah. Yeah sure. I'm fine. Guess I should watch what I'm doing. 
Fraser: Stop, look, listen. It's a simple motto but one worth adhering to. 
Charlie: All right I gotta go. Thanks huh. 
Fraser: Perhaps we can talk again another time. 
*** 
Fraser: Morning. 
[screech of tires and thump of a body] 
Driver: He stepped right in front of me. I couldn't stop. 
[Harper Medical Clinic] 
Fraser: Harper Medical Clinic? Now you sure about this because I can have you in an emergency room in less than-- 
Charlie: I wanna see my own doctor. Dr. Howard. 
Nurse: Right this way. 
Doc: Constable Fraser. I hear you're quite the good Samaritan I didn't know we had any left in this town. 
Fraser: Well, I'm sure anyone of his neighbors would have done the same. 
Doc: Yeah. Well, Mr. Pike has suffered considerable soft tissue damage but none of his injuries are life threatening. 
Fraser: Thank you. Oh excuse me Dr. Howard. Is there any medical reason why Charlie might be prone to accidents? Perhaps an inner ear imbalance resulting from an old boxing injury? 
Doc: How did you know Charlie was a boxer? 
Fraser: Well his nose cartilage has been reduced by almost 80% and his left eye socket is raised about a half a centimeter above the right indicating a slight shift in the cranial plates. 
Doc: Where did you study? 
Fraser: The Inuvik public library. My grandparents were librarians. 
Doc: You're kidding. 
Fraser: No. 
Doc: Well you're quite correct. Uh judging from today perhaps Charlie's taken one to many blows to the head. 
Fraser: I see. Will you be releasing him soon? 
Doc: There's no concussion, he should be home by this afternoon. 
Fraser: And the bill? 
Doc: Well you must have inspired me Constable. This ones on me. 
Unlucky Driver: I just hit a guy. Look I know you have rules but cant' you just tell me if he's okay? 
Nurse: Just a moment. 
Fraser: Pardon me, is there a pay phone? 
Nurse: Down there. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. Sorry. 
Nurse: I told you sir, if you'll just leave you name and phone number someone will contact you. 
[bar] 
Vecchio: Cranberry club soda, wedge of lemon. 
Bartender: Sure you can handle that? 
Vecchio: What are you a comedian? [phone rings] Ma, I can't talk I'm on a stake out. 
Fraser: Uh, Ray? 
Vecchio: Benny. Benny you gotta get down here right away. The Bears are finally kicking some butt. 
Fraser: Ray I need your help with something. I'm having a bit of a problem getting a license for Diefenbaker and I'm not sure if it's because he's a wolf or just because he's deaf. 
Vecchio: Yes! Yes! 
Fraser: Then you think you can help me? 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: With the license. Of course I wouldn't want you to use your influence unduly. 
Vecchio: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure-sure-sure-sure. Just leave it to me. 
Fraser: Okay. Uh, Miss! Thanks Ray. Miss! Miss! 
[parking lot] 
Fraser: Excu -- oh-oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to--I didn't mean to-- 
King: Are you following me? 
Fraser: No. Well, yes, I am but I'm not trying to-- 
King: I think men who skulk around after women are the lowest scum of the earth, don't you? 
Fraser: Well, yes I-I suppose-suppose they are but I'm- you see I'm-I'm- 
King: How did you know where to bring him? 
Fraser: You mean Charlie? 
King: Friend of yours is he? 
Fraser: Uh, no. No I just met him at the accident sight. Well at the accident sight before that. 
King: So you do that a lot? 
Fraser: By thins you mean? 
King: Would you spell your name for me? 
Fraser: Uh, certainly. B-e-n-t-o- 
King: You're a very interesting person, Bento. I'd like to see more of you. 
Fraser: Um, no that's Benton. Benton Fraser. 
King: How bout dinner tonight. 
Fraser: Dinner. Well I'd love to but-but I-I have a dog. 
King: Got a good suit? 
Fraser: Two actually. 
King: Lakeshore Room eight o'clock. Wear the suit, leave the dog. 
Fraser: Oh dear. 
[newsroom] 
Warren: McKenzie Kings desk. No she's not. Call back. McKenzie Kings desk. 
King: I got the story Warren. I got it. You're sweating on my phone. Hey, call back. Any massages? 
Warren: I send you on a press conference you come back with x-rays. Why am I confused. 
King: Take a look at these obituaries. James T. Ryan. Carlos Escobar, Lewis Mendowski. What do they all have in common. 
Warren: None of them covered the press conference? 
King: All dead prize fighters, Warren. All died in automobile accidents in the last eight months. All the death certificates signed by the same doctor. And if you think that doesn't stink, take a whiff of this. There's a Mountie involved. 
Warren: A what? 
King: Honest to God! Big hat, sweet little grin, crooked as they come. 
Warren: A crooked Mountie? You're bringing me a crooked Mountie? Look-look Mackenzie. I know you hate cops. All of Chicago knows you hate cops. But I am not printing any more retractions. You-you keep making accusations about police corruption and you can't prove you're gonna get yourself suspended again. 
King: Hey, I screwed up last time. Look it changed me. I spent three months in a dark apartment Warren. A Persian cat under one arm and a tub of Cherries Swirl in the other. I've been to hell and back in a flannel nightgown Warren and so help me God I will never wear flannel again. This time, I nail them dirty. Tonight, eight o'clock his little Canadian butt is mine. 
King: Could you get that? Thanks. 
[Dief heads home, Fraser heads home] 
Fraser: Evening Mrs. Garcia.[slam] How are you tonight. Evening Mrs. Campbell.[slam] [to Dief] I brought you supper. Oh you know I was hoping to uh be able to spend some time with you this evening but you see uh I have a dinner engagement with a very nice woman that I met in a parking lot. And I can't cancel it because I don't know her phone number. Or her name for that matter. No it's not what you're thinking. It isn't. And you know something? I-I-I don't appreciate your attitude. You're very judgmental. Just because you were right once does not make you infallible. I am perfectly capable of handling myself in any situation. I am. I am a Mountie. [Puts milk in the cabinet, not the fridge][gets ready to meet King to the tune of American Woman] 
[Lake Shore Room] 
Manager: Lake Shore Room. 
Fraser: Excuse me has a ... 
Matre'd: Woman called to say she'd be late? No. 
Fraser: You're sure because it's uh, ten after eight. 
Matre'd: This would be the woman with no name? 
Fraser: Well, I'm sure she has a name, I'm just not sure what...I'll keep waiting. 
[Fraser holds door for couple] 
Wife: That was an absolutely wonderful meal. 
Husband: Careful where you step, darling. 
Wife: Good evening. 
Husband: Thank you young man.[tips Fraser] 
King: Been waiting long? 
Fraser: actually yes but I seem to have profited by - may I just say you look - 
King: thanks. That's your good suit? 
Fraser: Oh, I knew I should've worn the other one. You know if-if we have a couple of minutes I could run home right now. 
King: No you're fine. A little red. 
Fraser: Um, this is for you. 
King: A wrist corsage? 
Fraser: Well, actually two. 
King: You want me to wear them on both wrists? 
Fraser: I forgot to ask what color of dress you'd be wearing. 
King: Reservations for two. MacKenzie King. 
Matre'd: Right this way Miss King. 
Fraser; Your name, you wouldn't be related to- 
King: No. 
Fraser: No. Of course you wouldn't. 
King: So you live in the same building. You and Charlie you started talking. 
Fraser: Well actually his daughter asked me to help him. 
King: The way she looked at you, you just couldn't refuse. 
Fraser: Well she had these sad eyes. 
King: Don't they all. 
Fraser: Do you mind if I uh- 
King: Go for it. You and Charlie make quite the team. 
Fraser: By-by team you mean? 
King: He falls under cars, you save him. 
Fraser: Well he does seem to have a few- 
King: How much do you make? 
Fraser: Me? Well it's in Canadian funds so you have to deduct thirty-eight percent but uh- 
King: Enough. 
Fraser; About myself. Absolutely. Consulate work is pretty dull. Although there was this one passport case- 
King: Wait a minute. You work at the Consulate? 
Fraser: Why yes. That's why I'm paid in Canadian Funds. It's some - It's an odd governmental regulation. 
King: So now you're denying you work with Charlie? 
Fraser: With Charlie? No. No I could never be a professional boxer. I mean in high school I- 
King; I saw you bring him in. Are you telling me you don't feed patients to the clinic? You're not involved in this million dollar insurance scam? You're just this straight arrow, do goody Mountie out to help the little guy? Tell me why I find that hard to believe. 
Fraser: Well I understand your skepticism. Appearances can be deceiving. For example, you're a nurse yet you wear extremely high heels to work which indicate you either haven't been there very long or you have remarkable arches. Also the way you hold your wrists suggests that you spend many hours at a computer keyboard and add to that the slight crook in your neck which indicates extended phone usage and minuet traces of printers ink underneath your three quarter's inch nails which by the way must make bandaging quite a challenge. A less trusting person might assume that you weren't a nurse at all. A less trusting person might assume that you work, say, for a newspaper. But then appearances can be deceiving. 
King: and you've known this since? 
Fraser: The parking lot. Also you should check your tape recorder. I think either your batteries is leaking or you've spilled some liquid into the motor. From the smell of it I'd have to say it's mace. 
King: so you just came along for the free meal and the amusement of watching me make a fool out of myself? 
Fraser: No. No I think Charlie is in trouble and I thought maybe you could tell me something that would help. 
King: You're trying to get information from me? Forget it! 
Fraser: I understand. You've already been of great help. 
King: I've no appetite all of a sudden. 
Fraser: Can I at least walk you home? 
King: Walk me home? He wants to walk me home. 
Fraser: Well, I thought it was expected 
King: Oh yeah? What else did you expect. 
Fraser: Well, nothing, I mean, I don't know 
King: You want to do something for me? You get Charlie to talk to me on the record. 
Fraser: If Charlie is in trouble what he needs is help not an interview. 
King: Then all you're getting out of this date is the check. 
[Fraser is handed the check] 
Fraser: I--do you happen to know the current exchange rate? 
[to couple on the street] Fraser: Good evening. 
[Fraser's building, in the hall] 
Charlie: I told you it ain't enough. I cannot live on what you bastards pay me. 
Bab Guy: Two hundred's what you agreed to. Two hundred's what you're going to get. 
Charlie: At Two hundred dollars I can't even pay my stinking rent. Listen. You want me to keep on taking dives you better make it worth my while. 
Bad Guy: You wouldn't be threatening me would you Charlie? Cause that wouldn't be healthy. 
Charlie: No. I'm not threatening you. But I have a child to support. 
Bad Guy: Not my problem and count yourself lucky. It doesn't take any skill to fall under a car. 
*** 
Fraser: Evening. 
Charlie: Hi ya. 
Fraser: Excuse me but I couldn't help over hearing that-- 
Charlie: You over heard that? You know something Pal? You better learn to mind your own business. 
Fraser: Well actually your daughter-- 
Charlie: You know nothing about me and you don't know anything about my daughter. So just back off. 
Fraser: I know you're in trouble and if I can, I'd like to help. 
Charlie: That's easy. Stay away from me and stay away from my daughter. 
*** 
Fraser: Hi. You know Lucy, your father...he has a good heart. He's a good man. 
Lucy: It's okay. I understand. Can't help everybody. 
Fraser: Lucy. I...uh... 
Lucy: It's like the doctors. They tried but they couldn't help my mom. It's ok. 
[27th precinct] 
Vecchio: Okay, I'm on the edge of my seat. What's this huge morale dilemma your carrying on your shoulders? 
Fraser: I've given my word to a girl. 
Vecchio: Fraser, you do not have to marry every girl you meet. 
Fraser: Oh no, its--she's a very young girl. 
Vecchio: Well then you do have a problem. 
Fraser: No, I mean she's a little girl Ray. She's six years old. She's very sweet. She's asked me to help her father. 
Vecchio: I can see you are making those minor adjustments to bring out the flavor Hugo. 
Hugo: Camomile, Right? 
Fraser: Thank you Hugo. Now I discover that her father is doing something illegal 
Vecchio: What's the dilemma, we bust him. 
Fraser: Then I'd be breaking my word to a little girl. 
Vecchio: And this gives you a problem? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Oh. 
Fraser: And if I don't turn him in I'm withholding evidence of a crime. 
Vecchio: Very good Benny. You can go to the head of the class. 
Fraser: So I've given it some thought and I've come up with the only-only logical solution. You have to arrest me. 
Vecchio: For what? 
Fraser: I can't tell you that. 
Vecchio: Well then I'm not gonna arrest you. 
Fraser: But you have to. 
Vecchio: Well I'm not. 
Fraser: You have to. 
Vecchio: Oh, I'm not. 
Fraser: You have to. 
Vecchio: Uh, this guy the dad, just how illegal is this activity he's involved in. 
Fraser: It's serious but he's not the one who's profiting from it. In fact he stands t lose more than he's made. 
Vecchio: So If you and I could get the bigger fish maybe we can let the little girls dad slide on this one. 
Fraser: Is this legal? 
Vecchio: Would I be offering it to you if it wasn't? Yes, it's legal! Now tell me everything you know. 
Fraser: You won't use it against the man in question? 
Vecchio: On my word as a transvestite. 
Fraser: What's that, Ray? 
Vecchio: It's a Chicago thing. 
Fraser: Ah. 
[outside a gym] 
Vecchio: Okay, so how you know the guy who paid Charlie's a fighter? 
Fraser: His wrists. They were completely hairless indicating he wears gloves that are tied tightly in a constant use. 
Vecchio: So we're tracking a guy with hairless wrists. 
Fraser: Also, the second knuckle of each hand is slightly lower than the others. His jaw clicks slightly when he spoke indicating a fractured mandible. And his eyes are shifted downward in a laterally in there sockets. This is caused no doubt by blows to the zygomatic arch. 
Vecchio: Okay, that I'll buy but how'd you know he worked out in this gym? 
Fraser: It was written on his T-shirt. 
Vecchio: You couldn't have said that in the first place? You had to go through the hairless wrists and the fractured mandibles? 
Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray. 
Vecchio: Aw, man. [Dief on street, animal control looking for him] 
[inside gym] 
Fraser: I don't see him. Perhaps if we gave out a description. 
Vecchio: Look, why don't you leave this to me. Ya see, I've been hanging out in joints like this since I was a kid. There's a certain way to talk to these types. 
Vecchio: What's it going to cost me to work out for a little while? 
Man: Maybe you life? 
Vecchio: Just give me a towel. 
[in ring, to his opponent] 
Vecchio: So I figure kill a guy or not sooner or later I gotta get back in the ring. Still I find it hard to make ends meet training all the time like this. How do you do it?[knocked out] 
[in ring with his opponent] Fraser: Now you'll have to refresh my memory on the American rules cause I know there's some subtle differences from ours. Ah, you see right there. That would have been disallowed under the Canadian system. As would have that. I wonder while we're boxing if you'd mind answering a few questions. Ah, now I believe that was my fault. 
*** 
Fraser: Approximately 6 feet tall. With a deviated mandible. And a noticeably fractured zygomatic arch. Oh. 
Boxer: Ow. 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Boxer: Your old man taught you how to box like that? 
Fraser: My grandmother actually. Although I'm beginning to suspect that the book she used was somewhat outdated. 
Manager: Spit. Not on the floor. 
Fraser: You were saying about Charlie? 
Manager: Yeah. I knew him. Used to train here until he gave it up last year. Bring his little girl when he couldn't get a sitter. 
Vecchio: But you haven't seen him since? 
Manager: 'Fraid not. Oh. 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Manager: I don't know. I heard he was in trouble that's all. Nothing strange at all about that. Lots of guys in here spend the summer in the joint. 
Fraser: Well if you hear anything else, we'd appreciated you giving Detective Vecchio a call. 
Manager: I got the card. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. You're probably going to need this more than me. 
*** 
Vecchio: Your grandmother? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Think I can get a copy of that book? 
Fraser: He's in on it. 
Vecchio: Who? 
Fraser: The trainer. 
Vecchio: How do you know? 
Fraser: You'll get upset. 
Vecchio: No I won't just enlighten me as to how in a span of two minutes conversation, you figured out that this guys in on it. 
Fraser: You're sure. 
Vecchio: Yeah, I'm sure. 
Fraser: All right. Spittle. 
Vecchio: Spittle? 
Fraser: During the coarse of our conversation, he tried to spit several times but he couldn't because his mouth was too dry which would indicate that he's lying. 
Vecchio: So let me get this straight. This is what they do in the Yukon? They arrest everybody who doesn't drool? 
[watching from a door in the gym] Bad Guy 1: So? 
Bad Guy 2: Looks like Charlie made some new friends. 
Bad Guy 1: Too bad. Try to help somebody and he just ends up hurting himself. 
[Charlie's apartment] 
Charlie: Yeah. 
Bad Guy 1: Charlie. Can you do it right away. It's a trucking company. Drivers in on it. We can go five hundred this time. 
Charlie: Yeah. Except my daughters not home from school yet. I have to wait she-- 
Bad Guy 1: No time guy. I'll get someone else. 
Charlie: No-no-no-no. Listen, uh, I'll do it-I'll do it. Where? 
Bad Guy 1: Be on the corner of Haskell and Commerce. Three forty five. You're okay Charlie. 
Bad Guy 3: You need me? 
Bad Guy 1: Charlie's going to meet with an accident. Such a shame. I always liked Charlie. 
[in Riv] 
Fraser: They're going to kill Charlie. 
Vecchio: You've got to teach me how to do that with the lips. Hey-hey-hey, the stairs are right over there. 
Fraser: Oh, sorry. 
*** 
King: I had a change of heart. I decided to see you again. 
Vecchio: They're following you around town? 
Fraser: You'll have to get out of the car, Miss King. 
King: MacKinzie. So what do you know? 
Vecchio: MacKinzie King? The one who wrote that crap about corruption down in division? Get the hell out of my car. 
King: Yeah, but I got it wrong cause I trusted a cop. 
Vecchio: Tell you something about cops! 
Fraser: Ray! We have to go. 
Vecchio: Not till she's out of my car! 
Fraser: If I asked you politely? 
King: Yeah, that would do it. 
Fraser: Ray. We'll miss 'em. 
Vecchio: All right, I'm driving, okay? I'm driving. 
Fraser: That was a stop sign Ray. 
Fraser: That was another stop sign Ray. 
King: There! 
Fraser: Take a left up ahead. 
King: Go around. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, you'd love that. Maniac detective slaughters pedestrians. 
Fraser: Stay in the car. 
*** 
Fraser: May I? 
Construction guy: Sure, go ahead. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. [Fraser climbs to the top of the crane to look around] 
King: You got a camera? 
Vecchio: Get out of my car! 
Fraser: Follow me! 
[answers phone]Lucy: Hello? 
Vecchio: You again? Get out of here. 
Fraser: Run. 
[hospital] 
Doctor: This man was boxing? He shouldn't even be breathing. When's the last time he saw a doctor. 
Fraser: I believe yesterday. 
Doctor: Then you better get a second opinion. See these old hair line cracks? One more blow to the head and it'll be his last. 
[Charlie's apartment] 
King: It'll be okay. I told your dad I'd take real good care of you. Okay? As soon as they get his woozy head all fixed up at the hospital, Fraser will bring him right home. 
Lucy; I think you call it a concussion. 
King: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Some people do. 
Lucy: I wish Fraser was my daddy. 
King: Well, Fraser's a real brave guy. But your daddy's the bravest guy I know. 
Lucy: Why? 
King: Well, cause he is that's all. 
Lucy: But he's doing bad things and I don't call that brave. 
King: Sometimes being brave means knowing you have to do something and just doing it. No matter what happens. 
Bad Guy 1: Come in, Nurse. 
*** 
Charlie: What are you ? Nuts? I ain't talking to no D.A. 
Fraser: Detective Vecchio assures me you won't be prosecuted and if you need protection we can-- 
Charlie: I can take care of myself just leave me alone, all right? 
Fraser: You know Charlie when I was thirteen years old, I found a caribou trapped on a mountain side. I tried to coax him down but his fear of me only drove him higher. By the time he let me near enough to him, he was so weak from the cold that I couldn't save him. And he died on that ledge. 
Charlie: You think I'm afraid of these guys? 
Fraser: No, I don't. I think you're afraid of something else. 
Charlie: If my name gets in the papers or on TV, Lucy's going to know about me. She thinks I'm a boxer. A great boxer. She finds out what I do for a living. Look. All I got in my life is the way she looks at me. That is all I got. That is all I need. If I ever loose that. 
Fraser: She'll understand, Charlie. Trust me. 
Doctor: Excuse me guys. You Fraser? Telephone. At the nurses station. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Doctor: You got one too. This man called. He said to tell you that he's taking care of your little girl for you. He said you'd know who. Guess he didn't want you to worry. 
*** 
Vecchio: I'm saying the place is totally cleared out. Files, medical records, everything. 
Fraser: And Howard? 
Vecchio: By now probably on a beach in Costa Rica. Want me to pick you up? Fraser? Don't' do this to me. Fraser! 
[Charlie's apartment] 
Lucy: Daddy! 
Charlie: Don't you touch her or so help me God I'm going to kill you. 
Bad Guy 1: Hey Charlie you come with us nothing happens to her. 
Bad Guy 2: Sorry Charlie. We just can't have you talking. 
Fraser: You won't be needing this. 
Fraser: Charlie! 
King: Nice. 
[alley] 
Dog Catcher: Got cha. 
Bad Guy 1: Geeze. 
Lucy: Let me go! Noooo! Daddy! 
Bad Guy 1: I've got you. 
Fraser: Charlie! 
Lucy: Daddy! 
Lucy: Daddy! 
Charlie: Hey, I'm a professional. I'm okay. Hey! Who's the toughest guy in the whole wide world. 
Lucy: You are. 
Charlie: And who can stop me coming home to you? 
Lucy: Nobody. 
Charlie: and what would I do it any of them tried? 
Lucy: Upper cut, hook, poke her in the eye. 
Charlie: Damn straight. 
Dog Catcher: I got cha! Where you going now fella. 
Fraser: Hi. Diefenbaker. Remember what I told you. Benton Fraser RCMP and this is my dog, uh, wolf. 
Dog Catcher : I thought that was a wolf. Well he's mine now cause you sure in hell don't have a wolf license. 
Vecchio: In fact he does. 
Dog Catcher : You can't have this. It doesn't exist. It never did. 
Vecchio: Signed by the mayor himself. Special dispensation. Now unhand that wolf. 
Dog Catcher : Look what you did to my van. 
Fraser: You got it. I only asked you once and you got it. 
Vecchio: Of course I got it. You asked me for it, right? 
Fraser: From the mayor himself? 
Vecchio: Well no not exactly. Ya see I didn't want to bother him so what I did was I Xeroxed a dog license and I put in wolf. Wonderful thing photo copiers, huh? 
Vecchio: Hey, Dr. Quack! Get your hands off of that. 
Vecchio: Here take this scum off the street. Oh and uh one more thing for a neck spasm is that hot or cold? 
Fraser: See you got your story. 
King: Are you kidding? There's going to be a bidding war over this baby. 
Fraser: And Lucy's father, will you be mentioning him in your article? 
King: Look, Fraser. I don't want to see Lucy get hurt anymore than you do. But if there's one thing I've learned is that peoples feelings aren't as important as the facts. 
*** 
Fraser: You know when I was thirteen years old, I found a caribou on a . . . no, that's not going to work. 
Lucy: Fraser. You don't have to help my dad any more. You were right. He is the bravest man in the whole world. 
King: You know you're a really bad influence on me, Bento. 
Fraser: I'll be seeing you. 
King: Yeah in your dreams. 
**** 
King: I wonder if he's here legally. 

End of Diefenbaker's Day Off
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Manhunt

[gate at prison] 
Guard: Going back empty? 
Driver: Uh huh 
Guard: Say hi to Sarah. 
[Yukon] 
Frobisher: RCMP Evidence Room, Sgt. Frobisher 
Geiger: How's your leg? 
Frobisher: Who is this? 
Geiger: Oh, you haven't forgotten. 
Frobisher: Geiger. Geiger. 
Captain: I run a scow not a cruise ship. I take you across that border, immigration finds out, I loose my boat. Where do you want to go? 
Frobisher: As far as this will take me. And this. 
[school room] 
Fraser: Makes the border between Canada and the United States the longest undefended border in the world. So since their formation our two countries have found a peaceful way to coexist. Except for the War of 1812 where your country invaded ours and we sent you packing but that's hardly worth mentioning. Now I think I'll open the floor to questions. Yes? 
Boy: Do you have to undo all your buttons to go to the toilet? 
Fraser: No. Anyone else? Yes. 
Boy: How many do you have to undo? 
Fraser: Just enough to get your trousers undone. Yes. 
Boy: Do they have toilets in Canada? 
Fraser: Yes. We do. Anyone else? Anyone else at all? Any other questions at all? 
Julie: When was the last time you were home? 
Fraser: It's been far too long. 
[school playground] 
Julie: Just disappeared. His car was still in the garage. He hadn't taken anything from his apartment. I checked all the buses and t4ains finally someone from the docks remembered seeing him get on a barge that was headed here. Still can't believe that he'd just leave without saying something. I been looking for a week. I can't find him Fraser. I was hoping maybe he called you. 
Fraser: No. I'm sorry. 
Julie: I just no how close you and your father were. 
Fraser: They went back quit a way. 
Julie: I want to stay here and keep looking but my job. They won't give me anymore time and if I loose it, well, it's just me and Patty now, you know. 
Fraser: I was sorry to hear about um... 
Julie: Bruce. 
Fraser: Bruce. 
Julie: That's okay. It was my fault. I just married the wrong man. I was in love with someone else. 
Fraser: Oh you, I-I-I you-you don't mean . . . 
Julie: No, Fraser, it wasn't you. 
Fraser: Oh, good. No, I don't mean good. I mean-I mean I-I 
Julie: You haven'[t changed a bit. You're just like my father. You could track a man five hundred miles over shear ice but put either of you within arms length of a woman and you're completely lost. Put you behind a desk and you'd die. That's what was happening to him. I don't know. I don't know what's happened but ... I don't want to lose hem, Fraser. I can't. Will you help me? Will you find him? 
Fraser: I'll do everything I can. 
Julie: I haven't seen you in over ten years but somehow I knew if there's one person in the world I could count on it was you. 
[at the border] 
Guy 1: Someone's in there. 
Guy 2: Oh cripe. Hey, did you see the tie up at the border? What's going on? 
Guy 1: Officer! Can I have the key? 
Geiger: I wouldn't go in there. It's a real mess. 
[27th precicnt] 
Vecchio: And you think this is the man who stole your cat? Paw marks on his cardigan. Yes that's very conclusive. Um, you know it's going to be a little difficult for me to break away from the case I'm currently working on. But if you'd like to call back and ask for extension 312, Detective's Huey or Gardino would be glad to help you. Yes. They've been, uh, specially assigned to handle all animal related offenses. No no ma'am. The pleasures all mine. 
Vecchio: How's it going. 
Fraser: I need your help Ray. 
Vecchio: Does it involve domestic animals? 
Fraser: Not that I'm aware. 
Vecchio: Then I'm your man. 
Fraser: Personal matter. 
Gardino: Violent crimes, Detective Gardino. Cat ma'am? 
Vecchio: Seven freighters came in from Northern Ontario last week. None carrying passengers. You still think your Mountie friend came in on one of these? 
Fraser: Seems likely. Did anything come in thru San Maria? 
Vecchio: Two. The Lady of the Lake and a garbage scow called the Bombay Bomber. 
Fraser: We'll try the scow. 
Vecchio: There are seventeen hundred places to drive across the border between Canada and the US. Why would anyone in their right mind travel by scow. 
Fraser: I don't know Ray. I don't know. 
[docks] 
Captain of Scow: Sorry. 
Fraser: You're sure. 
Captain: I'm sure. 
Fraser: He was my father's best friend. He's in some kind of trouble. 
Captain: I'm sure he'd call your dad. 
Fraser: Well, I'm sure he would if he was alive. But since he's not he probably doesn't know who to trust. It's never an easy question. Oh by the way, who did you know in the force? 
Captain: What? 
Fraser: Your watch. RCMP field issue circa 1950. Spring wound, consecutively numbered. Civilians couldn't buy them. Only a few still own them. This was my father's. Want to show me yours? 
Captain: You really his friend? 
Fraser: I am. 
Captain: Some of the men billet at the St. John's Hotel. Try there. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: Yeah, you're a real prince, Popeye. 
[hotel] 
Vecchio: Yeah, I was thinking of going to Maui but now that I've seen this place, I'm reconsidering. 
Fraser: Excuse me. This man, is he registered here? 
Hotel Manager: Never seen him. Carney. One bag. No tip. Room 202. 
Vecchio: You're sure. 
Hotel Manager: I only live here 24 hours of the day. I sleep here, I eat here. I know every face that comes here. 
Vecchio: So is he in? 
Hotel Manager: I have no idea. 
Vecchio: So what's this guy like? 
Fraser: What do you mean? 
Vecchio: I mean if this guys unhinged, I don't want to knock on the door and be met by a bullet. 
Fraser: Oh it's okay. He knows we're coming. 
Vecchio: How could he? 
Frobisher: You track a man about as quietly as I pass wind. 
Vecchio: I'll, uh, wait for you downstairs. 
Fraser: Julie asked me to find you. 
Frobisher: yeah. I'll send her a post card. 
Fraser: She's worried. 
Frobisher: Nothing will happen to her if she just stays away from me. 
Fraser: I don't think she's worried bout herself. 
Frobisher: I'm fine. 
Fraser: Who is it? You're waiting for somebody or you wouldn't have that. 
Frobisher: So what are you going to do? Protect me? 
Fraser: I'd do what ever I could. 
Frobisher: Look, I'm Buck Frobisher, you little piss ant. I've taken more men down than you've ever met. The day I take help from a boy like you the day I'll put this to my own head. Want to do something for me? I'm out of beer. 
Fraser: I'll have them send it up. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
February 13 -- Ten years ago I would never have walked into something like this. A bear trap so poorly camouflaged a child would have seen it but I didn't. I pried it open and got my leg out but there was no way I could make it back. I was prepared to die out here. And to be honest, I felt I deserved it. A man gets too old for a job he should know it, and stop. But then Buck found me. I don't know how. No one knew where I was going but he found me and carried me back. Three days over terrain a mule couldn't navigate. Laughing his ass off the entire way. Riding like that, completely helpless, slung over Buck's shoulder and staring down his back I came to understand two things. One, at a certain point in life a man's hips spread and there's nothing you can do about it and two there's a very easy way to define friendship. A friend is someone who won't stop until he finds you and brings you home. Robert Fraser (Journal entry.) 
Vecchio: I think I know who's after the old man. It came in over the wires so as usual I decided to drop my life and bring it on over. 
Fraser: I appreciate it Ray. 
Vecchio: You know this guys gotta be sixty years old doesn't look that dangerous to me. 
Fraser: In 1978 Harold Geiger held up a bank in Southern Michigan. A guard tried to stop him. He shot the guard and two other employees. The police and FBI pursued him across five states before he crossed into Canada. He killed two FBI men, a state trooper and a highway patrol officer. Once across the border, he broke through a massive dragnet killing a local officer, two provincial police officers and two members of the RMCP emergency response team. In short, he killed every cop that got close to him. Except one. Buck Frobisher. Frobisher tracked him up to White Horse caught up with him at the railroad bridge. A struggle issued. Geiger went over the ledge and at the last second, Frobisher caught him by the arm. Dangling there 200 feet above the gorge, Geiger reached into his belt, pulled out a hunting knife and jabbed it hilt deep in Frobisher's leg. Still Sargent Frobisher managed to pull him up, cuff him and take him in. 
Vecchio: And this guy's coming here to my city? 
Fraser: I believe so. 
Vecchio: God I hate tourists! 
[hotel] 
Frobisher: So he is coming. 
Fraser: A few hours ago they found a body of a border patrol officer in a service station restroom. They sealed the bridge immediately but they can't be sure he didn't make it across. 
Frobisher: He made it. 
Fraser: I came to offer you...My friend Detective Vecchio is waiting down stairs. He's willing to place you under protective custody until Geiger's apprehended. 
Frobisher: That long eh? They must have quite the budget. 
Fraser: The FBI's been notified and the state troopers are watching the roads so as soon as they're sure he's- 
Frobisher: What? That he's coming after me? They want proof then show them this . Show them my leg. Seventeen years ago I didn't have to take these, I could walk on them. That what it cost to bring him in. He's been on the road for a week now. How many cops have he killed. 
Fraser: Two that we know of. 
Frobisher: Well that brings his total up to twelve. Your friend got twelve more cops he's willing to lose? I put Geiger away. He's not going to stop until he finds me and does the same. 
Fraser: So what do you plan to do. Keep running? 
Frobisher: Hey look, you came here and you warned me. I appreciate it but what I'm doing, where I'm going is none of your damn business. 
Fraser: You know, I was reading my fathers diary. It's the day you pulled him off the icepack. 
Frobisher: I was 30 years old then. 
Fraser: So what? 
Frobisher: Do I look thirty to you? Look like I'm forty? It was, it was when your father and I thought we were immortal. Boy were we wrong. Look what happen to him. Look what happen to me. 
Fraser: You're still the same man who brought in Geiger when nobody else could. 
Frobisher: I'm not the man I used to be. Right now I'm just a guy who sits behind a desk. No. I'm the guy who's running. For his life. Who's ashamed of what he's become. 
Fraser: No you're not. You're Buck Frobisher. And you know exactly who you are. The only question is how long can you keep running from that. If you need money or uh plane ticket. 
Frobisher: No, I'm moving on tonight. I'll send you a post card. 
Vecchio: He didn't go for it, did he? So what do you want to do? 
Fraser: Nothing. There's nothing we can do for him. Would you drive me home? I have to be at work early tomorrow. 
Vecchio: Sure. 
[outside Consulate] 
Tourist: Ok. That's it. 
[shows up with horses]Buck: Hop on son. We have a villain to catch. 
Fraser: You ran away but you brought your dress uniform with you? 
Frobisher: No, I rented it. If we don't catch him by Tuesday, I have to pay extra. Ready? 
Fraser: Ready. 
[falls off horse]Frobisher: Taxi! Okay. 
Fraser: So where do we start. 
Frobisher: What I know about the south side tells me that's where he's headed. 
[27th precinct] 
Elaine: Geiger, Harold. Ooo! He's a nasty one. 
Vecchio: Any accomplices, girlfriend, cell mates? Anybody in the city he might try to shack up with? 
Elaine: Local boys. Here we go. Ho. Walter...Um, robbery, multiple count currently on parole. Trager, James. Armed robbery, manslaughter, currently on parole. Walker, George, murder one attempted murder, mayhem, armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon. 
Vecchio: On parole. 
Elaine: Escaped and at large. I'm printing out last knowns but the parole office could have current addresses. I'll call when I get them. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly, Elaine. 
Vecchio: You're a gem, Elaine. Come on boys let's move. 
Frobisher: We appreciate your thoughtfulness Miss. 
Civilian aid : Now there's a country that knows what to export. 
Elaine: Absolutely. 
[outside of bar, same as in the Pilot] 
Vecchio: Okay. This is going to take some team work so listen up. Here's how it's going to be. I go to the front door, you stay in the car. I go into the bar, you stay in the car. I'll question the locals of the where abouts of a Walter Ho, you stay in the car. When I get back, where do I find you guys? 
Fraser: In the car? 
Vecchio: Exactly. 
Frobisher: Let's go. 
Fraser: Right. Oh--Dief, when I come back I expect to find you in the car. Oh, uh, before we go in, there's something I should tell you. 
Ray; Hey, hey, Shemp, long time no see. 
Chuck: Get out of here Vecchio. Get the hell out of my bar. I don't need any more trouble. 
Vecchio: Aw come on Chuck you worry to much. 
Chuck: I just got this place put back together. You know how much it costs? I can't even get insurance anymore because of you. Some one get this goof out of here. 
Vecchio: Look, Chuck, I'm just looking for a little -- look Chicago PD pal. Don't make me use my gun. That's it. That's my gun, don't make me use it. 
Frobisher: May I have your attention please? Thank you. 
Fraser: Could I have one quick word? 
Frobisher: Anybody carrying illegal firearms please place them on the bar. You're under arrest. That's very good. Now place them on the bar. 
Fraser: You see, I've been here before. What I've found is this is, uh... 
Frobisher: Oh right. Local custom. All right. We're prepared to over look the firearm infractions it being hunting season and all. No, no, sir, you keep that. All we want is information on the where abouts of one Walter Ho. 
Guy Holding Vecchio: You want to know where Ho is? 
Fraser: You see it's usually at this point that they'll start shooting so might I suggest we take cover behind that small wall there. 
Guy Holding Vecchio: Vincent, tell them where your father is. 
Vincent: 956 Dearness St. 
Frobisher: Thank you, young man. Get that? Very nice people these Americans. You hear these stories but... 
[at a Bingo parlor] 
Vecchio: I'm telling you this is a waste of time. There's no way he gave us the right address. I mean this is the guys father. 
Frobisher: You're right. Could be a trap now we go in ready for trouble. All right. Nobody move. Get you're hands on the table. Get those daubers where I can see em. You pops, hands in the air. Oh, sorry. 
Vecchio: Did anybody check out this guys birthday before we started out on this manhunt? Walter Ho was ninety one years old. Wouldn't you think his trail was a tad cold? 
Fraser: Might have worked with Geiger early in his career. 
Vecchio: Early in his career! This guy started out with the James gang. All right where to next? 
Frobisher: 907 Mill St. Rd. I've run into this guy before. Not going to find him in any Bingo parlor. 
[cemetary] 
Frobisher: Tager, James. Born, February thirteenth, nineteen thirty-seven Died November second nineteen ninety-three. 
Vecchio: Okay, I'll get the shovel, you handle the interrogations. 
Frobisher: That man was several years younger than me. You know I always used to think that I'd want to see my enemies in their graves before I die. Strange feeling now that it's actually happened. 
Fraser: All right, George Wilker. We have no whereabouts on him. He escaped from Pelican Bay eight months ago. Maybe the FBI has a lead. 
Frobisher: I think we've covered enough ground today. 
[Frobisher's hotel] 
Fraser: Sargent. We will find him. 
Frobisher: We always do. 
Fraser: Think you can find your way home? I'm here twenty-four hours a day. Where's the guy behind the desk. 
Fraser to Dief: The Roof. 
Frobisher: That man's been working out. My God. 
[hospital] 
[to cop] Vecchio: All right, stay here. Nobody gets on this floor. [to Frobisher] How is he? 
Frobisher: They got the bleeding stopped. By the way, it looks like he's out of danger. 
Vecchio: What did they get him with a knife? 
Frobisher: Very deep. Doctors seem to know what they're doing. 
Vecchio: Damn it. He in there? 
Frobisher: Recovery. Soon as they know he's okay, they'll move him. 
Vecchio: You know I can't believe it. I mean like -- it's like Fraser was invincible. I mean... 
Frobisher: Yeah, happens to the best of us. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Doctor: DOA? 
Geiger: Knife wound 
Nurse: You've got the room to yourself. Are you really a Mountie? 
Fraser: Yes Ma'am. 
Nurse: You know I got a nephew in Canada. His name is Gerold Simpson, you know him? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Nurse: Really? You know I was, um, you're not suppose to be in here yet. 
Vecchio: Yeah, I know that. There's a cop outside you like to report me? Thank you very much. How's it going? 
Fraser: They tried to cut off my boots. 
Vecchio: No! 
Fraser: Right up the side. I wouldn't let them. 
Vecchio: Well I don't blame you. Lose a leg sure but a good pair of boots isn't easy to replace. Does it hurt? 
Fraser: Yes, Ray. 
Vecchio: Would you like a little more fluid? 
Fraser: No thanks. How's Dief? 
Vecchio: Oh, I rented him Rin Tin Tin, he's thrilled. 
Fraser: Thanks. Is Sargent Frobisher out there? 
Vecchio: Yeah. Would you like me to send him in? 
Fraser: Please. 
Vecchio: Oh, I'm gonna um go down to the store. Do you want anything? 
Fraser: Like what? 
Vecchio: Oh, I don't know, I was thinking maybe The Yukon Gazette or Toboggan Today. 
Fraser: No, I'm fine. 
Vecchio: Okay. 
Frobisher: How are you doing? 
Fraser: I'm okay. I wanted you to know it wasn't your fault. 
Frobisher: How do you figure that? 
Fraser: Well he surprised me too. I walked right into it. 
Frobisher: Well as I recall you kicked your way into it and you won't be doing that again too soon. 
Fraser: No, it doesn't look like it. 
Frobisher: It'll get well if you stay off it. But that's the hard part. You know when it happened to me I-I told myself you get back up and get out there or they're gonna put you behind a desk. 
Fraser: Oh I can imagine that. I'm sorry. 
Frobisher: Well there's worse places. We visited one yesterday. 
Fraser: I think, um, I think you should take up Ray's offer. 
Frobisher: Protective custody yes be the smart thing to do just walked through the door. Well. You take it easy, get some rest. 
Fraser: Yeah, that would be the smart thing. 
Frobisher: You remember that wallet that you stitched for your father when you were just a little kid? 
Fraser: He showed you that? 
Frobisher: He used it until it started to fall apart and he used it till even after then. When I brought him out that time in must have fallen out of his pocket and got lost. When he got out of the hospital the first thing he did was go back up there to try to find it. 
Fraser: Did he? 
Frobisher: Yeah. 
Nurse: Excuse me sir you can't be up here. 
Nurse: Down there. Down there. 
Vecchio: Call it in! Call it in! Drop it! Drop it! 
Vecchio: Stand clear I said, stand clear. 
Fraser: Ow. Ow. Ow. Did he make it? 
Vecchio: He threw himself down the elevator shaft. 
Fraser: he made it. Where's Buck? Ow. Ow. Ray, could you? 
Ray; Do I have to? 
Fraser: Thanks Ray. 
Vecchio: Where the hell did Frobisher go? 
Fraser: After Geiger. 
Vecchio: Where are you going? 
Fraser: To get my uniform. 
Vecchio: Then what? 
Fraser: Then we go after Frobisher. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, this makes sense. We got half the police dept after this guy, but is he going to worry about it? No, he's got two limping Mounties on his tail. 
[outside hospital] 
Frobisher: Stand back son. There's a villain on the loose. [falls off of motorcycle] Taxi! 
Car jacked guy: Hey! 
Geiger: George? Harold. I need some help. 
George: Not again! 
[tracking from the Riv] 
Fraser: Slow down a little...stop. 
Vecchio: What? You see another bent twig? 
Fraser: No, it's a gum wrapper and there appears to be something inside. 
Vecchio: Of course there is--disease! Someone had that in their mouth. Now don't be opening that in my car. 
Fraser: Geiger gave up smoking in prison using nicotine gum. 
Vecchio: Oh that's good. God forbid he should have any bad habits. Oh no! You're tasting things again? Oh that is the grossest thing I have ever seen. 
Fraser: It's nicotine all right. I see it. 
Vecchio: What? More gum? 
Vecchio: No a red uniform. 
Fraser: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. 
Frobisher: Did you find the gum? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Frobisher: He's in there and he's got company. 
Fraser: How many? 
Frobisher: Five heavily armed. 
Vecchio: That's it we call in a tactile team. 
Frobisher: You call in anybody you want. I'm going in there myself. 
Fraser: You think it's a wise idea? 
Vecchio: There's no discussion here Buck. 
Frobisher: Look. One week ago that man stole my self respect. At least I let him steal it. Now I want him to know I'm taking it back. Now. I'm going in alone. 
Fraser: I understand. 
Vecchio: You understand? Let me suggest another interpretation to you. That is the stupidest reason I've ever heard in all my life. 
Frobisher: All right. I won't be long. 
Fraser: Oh, one thing. If we should happen to feel he stole something from us... 
Frobisher: Well you can come too. 
Vecchio: This has gone far enough. Okay. Let me point something out to you sharp Mountie eye might have missed. See those windows up there? There are men in those windows with sniper scoped and hi powered rifles. Do you see any cover between here and there? No. Which means there isn't any way to get from here to there without being seen or killed. 
Fraser: He's absolutely right. 
Vecchio: Which is a shame because if there was, I'd be the first to say, 'Let's do it.' 
Fraser: Hm...unless.... 
[in the sewer] 
Vecchio: I've never been so humiliated in all my life 
Fraser: Would you hold the lantern a little higher Ray? If we bump the sides we'll have to return the canoe scuffed. 
Vecchio: Do you have any idea what's in this water? 
Fraser: I would suspect a high percentage of ammonia, phosphorus and cyanide. 
Vecchio: Wrong. Rats. Rats this big. And you know what they're doing? They're laughing at us. I'm in a canoe with two wounded Mounties and I'm being humiliated by rats. 
Frobisher: I think we're getting close. 
[hideout] 
George: It's been seven hours, Harold, he's not coming. 
Geiger: He's coming. I laid a trail of clues for him even a blind man could follow. 
George: And he'll bring the whole damn Chicago PD. 
Geiger: I know him. He will come along. 
George: You see any squad cars? I want to know about it before they're here. 
Vecchio: Will you please take these? 
Fraser: Well I try to stay away from non prescription medicines, Ray. 
Vecchio: Asprin? 
Fraser: Still they have side effects. 
Vecchio: (thru gritted teeth) Just take em. 
Fraser: All right All right. 
Frobisher: I'll take a couple of those. 
Vecchio: Okay, now the way I see it is I'm the only one with a gun, right? 
Frobisher: Right. 
Vecchio: So let's take em one at a time. 
Fraser: Excuse me (punch) Good plan. 
Frobisher: Let's split up. 
Frobisher: Excuse me (4 punches later) 
Fraser: Hello? Thank God! 
Vecchio: Thanks. 
Fraser: No problem. 
Vecchio: He's not gonna. 
Fraser: Nooo! 
Frobisher: Not this time! 
[outside hideout] 
Geiger: See you again. 
Frobisher: I'll be waiting. [to cop] If you get a chance shoot him. [to Fraser]You stay off that leg now. 
Fraser: I'll do that. Did you call Julie? 
Frobisher: Yeah, she's going to pick me up at the airport. You know about her and Bruce. 
Fraser: Yeah, I was sorry to hear that. 
Frobisher: That happens. She was in love with someone else. 
Fraser: So she said. You know the fellow. 
Frobisher: Yeah. Nice guy. Kind of guy who'd never let a friend down. 
Fraser: Sounds like a good man. 
Frobisher: Yeah. Goodbye. 
Fraser: Good bye. 
Frobisher: Taxi. 
Fraser: Can I offer you a ride? 
Frobisher: Absolutely. 
Fraser: Ready? 
Frobisher: Let's go son. We've got a plane to catch. 

End of Manhunt
 
 
 
 
 

They Eat Horses Don't They?

[Petit's supermarket] 
Vecchio: This is my cell phone I carry it with me 24 hours a day. 
Miss Broccoli: Imagine, meeting someone over broccoli. 
Vecchio: I know. What are the odds. Oh, ah, excuse me, my associate's applying dairy foods to his body. Call me? 
*** 
Vecchio: Fraser what are you doing? 
Fraser: I know your nostalgic for that glacier life style but you're missing the whole point of coming to a supermarket. 
Fraser: What do you mean? 
Vecchio: Well the modern supermarket is the place to meet women in the 90's. 
Fraser: Really. 
Vecchio: Absolutely. I mean you don't know who you're gonna meet in a bar. At least in here you can tell a lot about a person just by the section you meet her in. 
Fraser: How? 
Vecchio: Well for example if she's near the vegetables she cares about her body. If she's near the meat, an animal in bed. And if she's near the Eskimo pies, she's given up, move back to meat. 
*** 
Vecchio: Oh, no! You're putting beef on your nose? Stop that! 
Fraser: This meat is bad. 
Vecchio: Well, that's a shame, because it looks really good on you. Why don't you dab a little pork behind your ears? 
Fraser: So's this one. 
*** 
Mrs. Gamez: Please hurry my boy is sick. He's in danger. Please hurry. 
Clerk: I'm going as fast as I can. Nice. You know how much this was? 
Mrs. Gamez: No. 
I need a price check on five. Price check on five. 
just forget that one. 
Clerk: Hey this isn't enough. 
*** 
Fraser: Will that cover it? 
[Gamez apartment] 
Mario: Mama, mama. 
Girl: He's burning up. He's so hot. 
Mrs. Gamez: He's getting worst. 
Fraser: They're on their way. 
[hospital] 
Vecchio: Any news on the kid? 
Fraser: They pumped his stomach. I think they got him soon enough. He should be okay. 
Vecchio: Good, cause I have a feeling I'm gonna have to rush off here on some urgent business. Hello, Miss Broccoli. Ma! What are you calling me on my private line for? Course I got the parmesan. 
Doc: Mrs. Gomez? 
Mrs. Gomez: Yes? 
Doc: Alright, there shouldn't be any permanent damage. 
Mrs. Gamez: Oh, thank you doctor, thank you. 
Doc: Bob, Bob. Elliot just made Chicago All-stars in soccer. 
Bob: Great. 
Doc: Uh, now we'll probably never know what caused this but it looks like food poisoning probably you left some meat out too long. 
Mrs. Gamez: No that's not possible. I would never do that. 
Social Worker: I'm here. Are you Mrs. Gamez? Can we use your office? 
Doc: Uh, don't be too long. 
Mrs. Gamez: What does she mean? 
Doc: Well I had to call Child and Family Services. They just want to talk to you about a few things. Alright? Hey, hey. Little guy scored three goals in the first period. 
Social Worker: This way. 
*** 
Fraser: Excuse me, doctor. I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 
Doc: Uh, What's your connection here Constable? 
Fraser: I'm just trying to lend a hand, sir. 
Vecchio: He does that a lot. 
Fraser: I think you're right about it being food poisoning sir but not from food that's been left out too long. I believe the little boy ate diseased meat. 
Doc: Any why do you believe that? 
Fraser: Olfactory analysis. 
Doc: You smelled it? 
Vecchio: He does that a lot too. 
Fraser: I took this from the trash in Mrs. Gamez's apartment. I thought perhaps you could... 
Doc: There's not enough of it there to analyze. Constable I appreciate your concern but um...frankly I thing we're dealing with a woman who, from South America, is used to a different level of hygiene. I had no choice but to make the call to protect both the children and the hospital. 
Fraser: El Salvador. 
Doc: What? 
Fraser: They're from El Salvador. 
Doc: I'm sure they are. 
*** 
Fraser: What are you doing? 
Vecchio: Checking to see if he has any outstanding parking tickets. 
*** 
Social Worker: I've noticed that our office has been in contact with you before Mrs. Gamez. 
Mrs. Gamez: That's right. 
Social Worker: Three complaints by a Mr. Taggister. 
Mrs. Gamez: The landlord? He's trying to get us to move so he can rent my apartment for more money. 
Social Worker: And you have three other children? Mr. Gamez is not in the house? 
Mrs. Gamez: No. 
Social Worker: You must have your hands full. I just have two kids and they make my head spin. 
Mrs. Gamez: My eldest daughter helps me. She's a very good girl. 
Social Worker: Well it's certainly understandable that a mistake can be made. 
Mrs. Gamez: I didn't make a mistake. 
Social Worker: Your refrigerator's broken? 
Mrs. Gamez: Mr. Taggister won't fix it. 
Social Worker: You do understand Mrs. Gamez that if you don't keep meat cold-- 
Mrs. Gamez: I only buy enough to use each day. 
Social Worker: Why do you thing your other kids didn't get sick? 
Mrs. Gamez: They ate at a neighbors. 
Social Worker: What did they have? 
Mrs. Gamez: I don't really know. 
Social Worker: Okay, that should do it for now. 
Mrs. Gamez: What do you mean 'For now?' 
*** 
Mario: Thank you for helping me. 
Fraser: You're welcome. 
Vecchio: I bet you've never seen a detectives badge up close. 
Mario: His hat is so cool. 
Vecchio: How about a tazer? 
*** 
Fraser: What is it. 
Mrs. Gamez: They make it that I hurt my Mario. that I made him sick. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, I've got to get back to the office. Welsh has been all over me. Alright, alright. I know somebody who knows somebody. we'll get the food inspector on it right away. 
Fraser: I promise you ma'am, nothing bad will happen. 
Mrs. Gamez: Bless you. 
Vecchio: Look, you can reach me or the worlds nicest person at this number. 
Fraser: See you soon Mario. 
[Petit's supermarket] 
Petit: This is ridiculous. I've got 12 stores. Never had any complaints about my meat. 
Inspector: He's right. All of this meat is healthy. 
Vecchio: Are you sure? My friends nose has been in some strange places, but he's never been wrong. 
Inspector: I'm quite sure. 
Fraser: He's right. This meat is okay. It's also been changed. 
[alley behind market] 
Vecchio: We don't have a warrant. We don't even have enough evidence for a warrant. 
Fraser: We don't need one. A hundred pounds of ground meat does not just enter a supermarket and then leave without a trace. 
Vecchio: Sigh. 
Fraser: Ah yes. 
Vecchio: Oh no! 
[dumpster in the alley behind the market] 
Vecchio: You know Fraser, when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee deep in day-old chicken heads looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream. 
Fraser: Check that container there. 
Vecchio: Why? If they wanted to hide something they wouldn't have just dumped it in here. 
Fraser: Well perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind. 
Vecchio: Yeah and most of it seems to be on me. 
*** 
Vecchio: You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry? 
Fraser: I don't know. I've always been this way. 
*** 
Vecchio: Chow. It's Raymondo. Ma. No, ma. I did not forget the lettuce. I got it right here. See a head of lettuce anywhere? Uh, Ma. Yes, I got it. Look look, no I gotta go. Fraser's picking lint off me again. 
*** 
Vecchio: Thanks but I don't think it's gonna help. 
Fraser: It might. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: Parasites. 
Vecchio: Those were on me? 
Fraser: Yes. 
[Vecchio bathroom...Ray is in the shower] 
Fraser: Ray? 
Vecchio: These things wash off right? 
Fraser: Parasites? Yes, of course. Although there is always the chance they laid eggs. 
Vecchio: Soap! More soap! 
Fraser: But I don't think so. Most parasites live only on particular hosts. 
Vecchio: What, I wasn't gracious enough? I should have offered them canopies? 
Fraser: No, no, what I mean is they're uh - 
Ma: Oh I hope you like spaghetti and meatballs. Fraser: Well if you made it, Mrs. Vecchio, I'm sure it will be delicious. 
Vecchio: Ma. You wanna get out of the bathroom. 
Ma: He's such a baby. 
Vecchio: It's because I'm wet. 
Fraser: What I mean is that each type of animal has it's own distinct parasite. 
Frannie: Ho! Sorry. I didn't know you were in here. Maria: Didn't know! She's been standing in the doorway timing it so you'd be undressed. Frannie: You are such a liar! Vecchio: I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody? 
Frannie: (to Ray) Shut up! (to Fraser) Here, you can use my towels. 
Fraser: Well thank you but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower. 
Frannie: Oh, don't be silly it's really no trouble. (to Ray) And don't use all the hot water!) (back to Fraser) I'll wait for mine. 
Maria: Yeah, by the key hole. 
Frannie: You know I've really had enough of your mouth! 
Fraser: I could be wrong Ray. But I've never seen this parasite in beef. Or pork for that matter. 
Tony: I have a question for you. 
Vecchio: Hey man! Shut that off! 
Tony: What do you have to do to be a Mountie. 
Fraser: Well, Tony, there's a whole battery of mental and physical tests you have to pass. 
Tony: I could do that. 
Frannie: You can't turn on the big screen without getting winded. 
Tony: Who are you? Jane Fonda? 
Fraser: In fact Ray, the only animal I've ever seen this on - it was horsemeat, Ray. 
Ma: I don't know. These meatballs don't seem right. I don't know if it's the oregano or the garlic. What's missing? 
Fraser: Beef. 
Vecchio: Ma! Where'd you buy that meat? 
Ma: Petit's Food Town. I think I know what's wrong. 
Vecchio: No! No! No! Ma! Don't! It's dog food! 
Ma: Dog food! 
Fraser: Possibly diseased. 
Ma: Move out of my way! 
Vecchio: No! No! Ma! That was evidence! 
Ma: What am I gonna do for dinner? 
Fraser: I'm afraid I was too late to get a specimen. 
Vecchio: You know -- this-this meat could be everywhere. (Ring) Hi, it's Vecchio. Yes, Mrs. Gomez, he's right here. 
Fraser: Hello Miss--We'll be right there. 
Vecchio: We'll be right where?!?! 
[Gamez apartment] 
Mrs. Gamez: Stop them please. Stop them. 
Social Worker: We did a surprise inspection. There's no hot water. 
Mrs. Gamez: The landlord won't fix the heater. 
Social Worker: There's evidence of vermin. 
Mrs. Gamez: I begged him to call the exterminator. Please don't take my children. 
Social Worker: Mrs. Gamez your boy could have died from that meat. 
Fraser: Well I may be able to shed some light on that. 
Social Worker: Frankly we believe her children will be safer under our umbrella right now. I'm sorry. 
Mrs. Gamez: You promised you'd help me. You didn't. 
[27th precinct] 
Vecchio: No, no I understand that. Yeah but at least she should be able to see her kids. Right. Right. Well how long will you be considering this. Yeah, well thanks. You have a great day too. 
*** 
Vecchio: Hey! Hey! Your deaf wolf just ate my jelly doughnut. 
Fraser: He doesn't like doughnuts. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well maybe not yours. Come here. I know you did it. 
*** 
Welsh: Vecchio. How you doing on that drugstore homicide on Polaski. 
Vecchio: Uh...well sir you see I'm putting together the preliminary findings and I've been combing over them and I'm looking for that tell-tale thread that will give up the shooter. 
Welsh: So I can assume you haven't done anything. 
Vecchio: Uh, that would be accurate sir but uh something has come up. 
Welsh: Huey, Louie. 
Louis: Louis, sir. 
Welsh: You get the Polaski case. 
Louis: Yes sir! 
Vecchio: Aw come on sir you see I'm working on this thing. It's sort of a, how can I put it sir, somebody's switching dog food for beef. 
Welsh: Dog food Vecchio? I assign you to a dog food case? 
Vecchio: Oh no sir. But I believe I have a situation happening here sir. 
Welsh: Drop it. 
Vecchio: Yes sir. 
Louis: Dog food? Jack, how come it is we never come up with great cases like that? 
Huey: I don't know Louis, I guess we just don't have the nose for it. 
Louis: Or perhaps we don't stay low enough to the ground to sniff it out. 
Huey: Perhaps. 
Vecchio: Come on fellas give yourselves a little more credit than that. You're plenty low enough. 
Louis: Ifs that right Vecchio? 
Vecchio: Yeah. I mean sure. How else can you get your noses that lovely shade of brown. 
Louis: Maybe you and I should get together after work. 
Vecchio: I don't think so Louie, I got dinner plans. 
Huey: Forget it Louis. Come on. 
*** 
Vecchio: Ya see? This is why? Hello? Hello? This is why I don't like to help you because I get humiliated. 
Fraser: Well I'm very sorry about that Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm a police detective. I don't know from horses. Alright, give me pimps, give me drug dealers, give me something I know how to find. 
Elaine: I hear you're asking about horses. I did some checking and there's a major auction going on at the grounds south at Arlington. I thought you'd want to know. 
Fraser: Thank you very much Elaine. 
Vecchio: And what is it we have to go on? One lousy little bug? Has it ever occurred to you that you could be wrong? 
Mr. Madison: You were right Fraser. I have never seen this particular strain before but it is definently a type of onchocerca cervicalis and it's found only in horse meat. 
Fraser: Well thank you very much, Mr. Madison. 
Mr. Madison: You're welcome. 
Vecchio: Something tells me we're onto something and I'm not going to let him take this away from me. 
*** 
Vecchio: A moment of your time please sir. 
Welsh: Forget it. 
Vecchio: Thank you sir. 
Fraser: Ah excuse me sir. Detective Vecchio believes we have the potential for a major health crises here and there appears to be a strong indication of criminal intent. 
Welsh: You really believe that. 
Vecchio: Ah yes, I do sir. 
Welsh: Good. Go tell the FDA. 
Vecchio: Is that a meatloaf sandwich sir? 
Welsh: Yes it is. Why? 
Vecchio: Oh no reason, sir. I was just wondering does your wife shop at Petit's Food Town? 
Welsh: Alright, get on it. 
Vecchio: Thank you very much sir. 
*** 
Fraser: Nicely done. 
Vecchio: Same to you. 
Fraser: Are you gonna check for priors on the super market owner? Vecchio: On my way. Fraser: I'll be at the auction. Call me if you find anything. Vecchio: Ok. 
[auction] 
Fraser: Stand to one side. She was just scared. 
Stephanie Cabot: Nice work! You just made it a whole lot easier for them to kill that beautiful horse. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. Thank you. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. Stop the slaughter. Save the horses. 
Fraser: There's nothing wrong with that horse. 
Stephanie Cabot: There's nothing wrong with half the horses they're auctioning. Except they're going to be dog food by the weekend. Stop the slaughter, save the horses. Thank you. Stop the slaughter, save the horses. 
Legget: You have quite a printing budget there Miss Cabot. 
Stephanie Cabot: Obviously not enough to stop butchers like you. 
Legget: Oh well then allow me to contribute. 
Stephanie Cabot: I don't want your blood money. 
Legget: Now don't you over react. I am a business man, Miss Cabot and I provide a useful service. 
Stephanie Cabot: You also grind up peoples pets and use them for filler. 
Legget: I'm the buyer not the seller. You might save some of that righteous indignation for the seller. 
Stephanie Cabot: Yes, well believe me I do, 
Legget: Um hm. You know what she needs don't you? 
Fraser: Well yes. A world where people don't value life by the pound. 
*** 
Auctioneer: The auction is starting folks lets settle in. First horse weighs in at ten hundred eighty-eight pounds. The bidding starts at fifty. (bidding) Sold 81 cents, Miss Cabot. This horse weighs eleven eighty. (bidding) 
*** 
Vecchio: You got a problem with something? 
Zaleb Carney: You oughta move your foot. 
Vecchio: Maybe I don't want to move my foot. 
Zaleb Carney: But if you don't move your foot, I can't get to that horse patty. 
Vecchio: Why would you want that horse patty. 
Zaleb Carney: I'm not telling. 
Vecchio: Tell me why you want that horse patty and maybe I'll move my foot. 
Zaleb Carney: Never. 
Vecchio: I'm a cop. 
Zaleb Carney: So what? 
Vecchio: Do you want to serve time over a piece of manure? 
Zaleb Carney: I'd rather go to the chair then talk. 
Vecchio: You know what I just decided? I've just decided you are so nuts I'm gonna let you have that patty. 
*** 
Vecchio: Yo, Sgt. Preston. Yo, Sgt. Preston. I bring news from the trading post. I bring news from the trading post. Turns out our supermarket owner doesn't have a record. He's squeaky clean. 
Fraser: I see. 
Vecchio: He has a chain of stores but they're barely breaking even. However he did just buy a home for a million dollars cash. Oh and Sam the lab guy wanted me to tell you that that bug you took off me only effects -- 
Fraser: Wild horses? 
Vecchio: Very good! 
Fraser: I was afraid of that. 
Vecchio: Is that what these are? 
Fraser: No. wild horses would have a different angle of the foot. The hoof would grow out. It would be chipped on the outside. 
Vecchio: Naturally. 
Fraser: Also wild horses are protected. You can't capture them or sell them. 
Vecchio: So what happen? One just crawled into the dumpster and past away? 
Fraser: I don't know, Ray. But it would appear we're not going to find it here. 
Vecchio: Great. I'll get the car, you say goodbye to the Babe. 
Fraser: Babe? Oh you mean... 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Fraser: Why, there's nothing between us. 
Vecchio: Yeah, I'm sure. 
Fraser: I barely know her. 
*** 
Fraser: Isn't that... 
Stephanie Cabot: Yes it is. 
*** 
Stephanie Cabot: Ninety-seven! 
Auctioneer: I'm sorry Miss Cabot but you're over your credit limit. 
Stephanie Cabot: I'm out of money. 
Auctioneer: Ninety-five any other further advance? 
Stephanie Cabot: Take my car! 
Auctioneer: I'm sorry Miss Cabot, the terms are cash. Ninety-five cents all through and done at ninety-five. 
Fraser: I have thirty. 
Auctioneer: Sold Legget Meats ninety-five cents a pound. 
Stephanie Cabot: Drat. 
Fraser: Miss Cabot. Do you mind if I ask you can uh how you can afford... 
Stephanie Cabot: Ah. My allowance. 
Fraser: Oh I see. So you would be quite, quite... 
Stephanie Cabot: Actually it's my father who is quite quite. Fortunately he approves of how I'm spending my money. 
Fraser: And now you'd be going to... 
Stephanie Cabot: To sell my car. It was nice meeting you. 
Fraser: Excuse me. I was wondering if before you leave...could I ask you a question? 
Stephanie Cabot: Yes? 
Fraser: Would it be possible for you to get me a breakdown of the various meat packers, the number of horses.... 
Stephanie Cabot: You know that is the most unique come n I have ever heard. 
Fraser: I don't follow you. 
Stephanie Cabot: I'll uh, look into that for you. 
Fraser: I'd appreciate that. And this is my address. 
Stephanie Cabot: Fine. 
Fraser: Drive safely. Seat belt. 
*** 
Vecchio: That's the guy who did it. 
Fraser: How do you know? 
Ray; He looks like um...that actor. 
Fraser: What actor? 
Vecchio: Well you know how Barnaby Jones you can always tell the bad guy because he's played by that actor that you see a lot. 
Fraser: Yes? 
Vecchio: He looks like that actor. Trust me. They haven't been able to fool me once. 
Or maybe he did it. 
Fraser: Ray? What's come on? (Note: Ray doesn't answer.) 
*** 
Fraser: This is it. 
Vecchio: See you later. 
Fraser: Oh uh, would you mind dropping by my place and checking of Dief? He's been in the apartment all day. 
Vecchio: Oh great. I can't wait to see what I'll find. 
Fraser: Thanks Ray. 
Vecchio: You owe me one. 
Fraser: Alright. [to the guys on the street] Afternoon gentlemen. 
[Gamez apartment] 
Mrs. Gamez: They tell me he's feeling much better. Thank you. I get to take them to the park today. 
Fraser: I understand there's going to be a hearing. 
Mrs. Gamez: Yes, but everything's going to be okay. I'm going to win and keep my children. Fraser: I'm sure you will. I admire your spirit. You know there's a story I keep forgetting to tell Mario. 
Mrs. Gamez: I'm sure he would have liked it. 
Fraser: I learned it when I was a little boy. About an Inuit warrior named Nakook who became terrified of another warrior from a neighboring village. So terrified that he decided to abandon him home and run and every night he would build a small hut to stay in. But each of these one-night homes was weak and he didn't have the time to make them strong and so when his enemy finally found him, Nakook had nothing to protect himself and he was lost. 
Mrs. Gamez: That is a sad story. 
Fraser: Yes, it is. 
Mrs. Gamez: How did you know. 
Fraser: The family pictures are gone. You can't run Margarita. 
Mrs. Gamez: I'm so scared. I'm so scared they're going to keep my children. I was going to take them. 
Fraser: I told you I will help you. 
Mrs. Gamez: I can't wait forever to have them back. I just can't. 
Fraser: Justice will out. I promise you. 
[alley behind Fraser's apartment. Ray is eating a Hostess chocolate cupcake] 
Vecchio: Don't don't even think about it, okay? Don't even think about it, alright? Just do what you've got to do so I can get out of here, okay? You know why you can't go, don't you? It's all that sugar. Remember that next time you try to eat something of mine. This is what happens to bad wolves. Come on! Think results here will ya? Never mind. Come on we need to go see somebody. Come on, come on we gotta go see somebody. Move over, move over. 
[stable] 
Vecchio: Yo! Manure man! 
Caleb: Leave me alone. 
Vecchio: Look I just came to apologize. I should never have said you were nuts. You obviously do this for a very good reason and you probably make a pretty good living at it too. 
Caleb: You're not thinking of doing this yourself. 
Vecchio: You man scooping? I have no immediate plans. 
Caleb: An excellent living. 
Vecchio: Really. 
Caleb: I collect and sell it for fertilizer. 
Vecchio: So you must know your 
Caleb: Like nobody else. 
Vecchio: So where do you find it all. 
Caleb: Stables, pony rides. But they're not my biggest source. 
Vecchio: Meat packing plants. 
Caleb: The mother load. 
Vecchio: Let me ask you a question. Have you noticed any subtle differences in the product at these various plants? 
Caleb: I'll check my data base. 
Vecchio: Great: Here's my card . give me a call and to show my appreciation, I'm gonna point out you missed something nice behind that bucket there. 
Caleb: Why thank you! 
[outside Fraser's window Stephanie is throwing rocks, it's 5am] 
Stephanie Cabot: You don't have a phone. 
Fraser: Thank you. You came all the way here to tell me that? 
Stephanie Cabot: No. I got the information you asked me for. 
Fraser: Ah. Ah. You want to come up? Oh. I'll be right down. We're you just in the neighborhood. 
Stephanie Cabot: More or less. I go for a ride every morning. 
Fraser: Are these yours? 
Stephanie Cabot: I'm getting quite a collection. Most I find homes for but some are harder to give up than others. 
Fraser: You said you had some information for me. 
Stephanie Cabot: Yeah, I did. Hey! So my sources told me the six major meat packers had a pretty consistent purchase rate over the last several months. 
Fraser: Well if they're bringing in wild horses they're being very quiet about it. 
Stephanie Cabot: Wild horses? 
Fraser: I think they're stealing them from protected ranges. 
Stephanie Cabot: Why would someone take risks like that? 
Fraser: Thousands of pounds of free horse meat at two dollars a pound. 
Stephanie Cabot: Someone's making a fortune. 
Fraser: Exactly. So uh, you come here often? No I didn't mean it like that. What I meant was uh it's an unusual place. Not that there's anything wrong with that. 
Stephanie Cabot: Race? 
[outside Consulate] 
Vecchio: You're off in thirty seconds, let's go. Okay lets' do this your way. Old Zaleb came through for us. He remembers detecting some very subtle changes in the horse manure at a particular plant. Did you want to hear which one? Do the words Barnaby Jones mean anything to you? 5 - 4 - 3 - 
Fraser: No matter what you say, you cannot base an investigation on a theory developed from the casting of a television series. 
Vecchio: You're just mad because I was right. 
Fraser: No. I'm not mad, it just doesn't make any sense. 
Vecchio: Oh, and putting horse meat on your nose does? 
Fraser: Well, that was different. 
Vecchio: You're telling me. 
[outside meat packing plant] 
Vecchio: Boy let me tell you it doesn't get any better than this. Sitting in the car with Captain Hook watching ill-fated horses swat flies off their back. Thank you very much. 
Fraser: They just passed inspection. No wild horses. 
Vecchio: Hey. My source can look at Palomino dung and tell you where they were born, alright? He wouldn't be wrong about this. They'll be here. You just keep your eyes open. 
*** 
Fraser: Ray. Ray. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Those are wild horses. They're brought in uninspected. Their meat is mixed with a little beef then packaged and shipped of to cooperating supermarkets. Some of the horses are diseased. Can we get backup? 
Vecchio: On a dog food case? 
Fraser: Then we'll have to do it ourselves. 
Vecchio: Do what by ourselves? 
Fraser: Dief. Stay. 
Vecchio: Where you going? 
[inside the plant, behind a cart] 
Vecchio: So what's the plan? We take some pictures, I.D. the bad guys and hand out sopenas. Right? 
Fraser: Or something. 
Vecchio: there must be thirty guys. 
Fraser: Tide always goes out, Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah and I always get sucked right out with it. 
[cart is moved] 
Fraser: Good evening. 
Bad guy: Hold it. 
Fraser: Better run. 
Bad guy: Come on. 
Vecchio: What was I so worked up about? 
Bad guy: Come on. Lets go come on. There they are. Joe. Greg. Come over here. 
[The boys try to escape and all exits are guarded. The end up in the freezer] 
Fraser: No! No! 
Vecchio: Lock it. Lock it. 
Bad guy: We got em. Get Legget on the horn. 
*** 
Fraser: Well, it's a dry cold. 
Vecchio: How many do you think are still out there. 
Fraser: I'd say all thirty. 
Vecchio: and what are they waiting for? 
Fraser: The mob can't change directions without a leader Ray. 
Vecchio: ah the hell with it. We're breaking out of here. 
Fraser: No I don't think that's -- Ray. That door is galvanized steel and I just -- 
Vecchio: We're dead, right? 
Fraser: Not yet. We've been in here 19 and a half minutes. The temperature is sub zero and dropping rapidly. I'd say we have roughly 37 minutes. 
Vecchio: Oh great. I'll just relax cause I'm sure they'll come shoot us before then. 
Fraser: You know Ray, the Inuit have ways of dealing with extreme conditions. Ruling out cannibalism, we have two options. 
Vecchio: I can't wait to hear this. 
Fraser: The first is close body contact. We hug each other tightly, exchanging body heat. That should give us ten minutes. 
*** 
Vecchio: Some people die in their sleep. Others die making love to a beautiful woman. I am going to die wrapped in meat. 
Fraser: Don't talk, Ray. You're expending body heat. 
Vecchio: I'm going to freeze to death inside My Friend Flicka. 
*** 
Vecchio: Fraser: 
Fraser: Yes Ray?[looks over at Ray] Ah. Oh. 
[outside of plant] 
Legget: This better be real important. 
Meat packer: We got a cop and a Mountie in the freezer. 
Legget: Hey that's what I love about the meat business. Brings something new everyday. What are you doing here Petit? 
Meat packer: He's refusing to pick up his shipment. 
Petit: I have a chain of stores to worry about. I don't need this. 
Legget: Un huh. But everybody needs a barrel of cash, don't they Norm? [all of em go to the freezer] How long they been in there? 
Meat packer: Over an hour and a half. 
Legget: Oh they're dead. Shoot em anyway and get them out of here. You got a problem Norm? 
Petit: Sick kids, dead Mounties? Yeah, yeah, I'd say I've go a problem. 
Legget: You want out Norm? 
Petit: Yeah. 
Legget: Well why not. Plenty more supermarkets out there. 
Petit: Thanks Vince. 
Legget: Okay, you got it. [bad guy clubs Petit] I do love this business. Give him and those copcycles a ride on the conveyor. And how about doing some work around here. 
Meat packer: God. I have this dream about dying wrapped in frozen meat. Shoot them! 
[freezer] 
Vecchio: They shot me! 
Fraser: The bullet couldn't penetrate the meat. 
Vecchio: You used me as a human shield. I can't believe you did that! 
Fraser: Come on. 
Vecchio: Hey! 
Fraser: Sorry. 
*** 
Fraser: Keep moving Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ugh! [Ray collapses on stairs. Fraser rushes into a fight defeating 7 guys] 
*** 
Leggett: That's it, you are dead. 
Vecchio: I don't think so. [Ray lowers a bone saw and cuts the barrel of Legget's rifle off] 
Legget: Get this thing off of me. 
Fraser: You should be nicer to animals. 
[Fraser's apartment building] 
Fraser: Well, that's the last of it. 
Mrs. Gamez: Let me take it. 
Fraser: No, no, no. I've got it. 
Mrs. Gamez: I want to thank you again for making this possible. 
Stephanie Cabot: It was no trouble. 
Mrs. Gamez: And I really want to thank him for everything he has done. In fact, I want to give him a *big* hug, but I'm afraid I will wrinkle him. 
Stephanie Cabot: I know what you mean. 
*** 
Fraser: Alright, I put the photographs on the mantle. 
Dennis: Nice job. Now don't forget it's four-hundred-twenty-five dollars at the beginning of the month. 
Fraser: Didn't you say three-seventy-five? 
Dennis: Well yeah. I was adding on for the utilities. 
Fraser: Oh - I thought you said that the utilities were included. 
Dennis: Yeah. I had to rent to a Mountie. 
*** 
Mrs. Gomez: I am sorry, I just can't help myself. Thank you. Thank you for my children. 
Fraser: No, no. you don't have to thank me. 
*** 
Mario: He used you as a human shield? 
Vecchio: Yeah, and there was just two inches of frozen pinto between me and a bullet. 
Mario: WOW! Then what happen? 
Fraser: Ray? We have to get that trailer back. 
Mario: I only wish I could hear more about your adventures as a police officer. 
Vecchio: Well, I'd like that too. Good luck with your new apartment Mrs. Gomez. 
Mrs. Gomez: Thank you. 
Vecchio: And Mario, you stay in school. 
*** 
Fraser: Thanks. I think you really made his day. 
Lopez: It's okay, he actually was interesting. 
Fraser: Really? Hm. Well uh, goodbye. 
*** 
Stephanie Cabot: I'm going riding tomorrow, you up for it? 
Fraser: You mean to discuss your testimony? 
Stephanie Cabot: Yeah. 
Fraser: Yeah. Yeah I'd love to. 
Stephanie Cabot: Great! 
Fraser: Goodbye. 
*** 
Vecchio: I still don't believe you did that. 
Fraser: It was perfectly safe, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, what? Did you practice this on your last partner, Billy 'Swiss Cheese' McCallister? 
Fraser: Granted, it was an unusual tactic, but I got the notion from a young cadet who lashed a caribou to his chest. Unfortunately, it was unrelated to police work.

End of They Eat Horses, Don't They?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Pizza and Promises

[Fraser's apartment] 
Vecchio: Pizza at the perfect price. 
Fraser: Which is? 
Vecchio: Free. And that's exactly what it'll be in 34 seconds. There is no way he can get a pizza here form Michigan Avenue in under a half hour. 
Fraser: You mean you're using some promotional ploy to get something for nothing. 
Vecchio: Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser. 
Fraser: Uh, it just doesn't seem fair, Ray, I mean, if you don't pay for them somebody has to. 
Vecchio: Again, welcome to my country. 
Vecchio: Drop the pizza kid you're late. 
Lenny: Oh, you're one of those guys. Uh, listen, I couldn't find the building I'm 10 seconds late. Your pizzas obviously ruined. 
Vecchio: Don't give me sarcasm just the pie. 
Lenny: Look if I don't go back with thirteen fifty I get fired. I just got this job I need this job. Come on guys cut me a break will ya? 
Fraser: Here's for my half Ray. 
Vecchio: Your half? What are you doing? You believe this sob story? 
Lenny: Come on I'm blocking the alley. 
Vecchio: Okay, fine but next time punk. 
Lenny: Oh no! My car. They got my car. 
Vecchio: Repo? 
Lenny: I just bought it. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Follow it. Excuse me.[he jumps out the window, then on down until he jumps onto the car] 
Fraser: Please stop immediately. This is not your automobile. [tossed off the top] 
Fraser: I'm okay. Dief! Dief! Diefenbaker! 
Lenny: Hey! Hey! That's my car! 
Fraser: Ray! Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him! 
Vecchio: Hey! Stop! Halt! 
Fraser: Stop him! 
Vecchio: Unmush unmush 
Fraser: Where's your car. 
Vecchio: Lot B. You need to get that dog a hearing aid. 
Fraser: It's my mistake. I never should have sent him. 
Vecchio: He'll come back. 
Fraser: No he won't He won't stop until he catches it. 
Vecchio: And if he don't stop it? 
Fraser: He'll die trying. 
*** 
Vecchio: Got a stolen car two two one East Racine. Nineteen seventy-seven green Comet. Yeah. Robert Charles William one three nine. Yeah you do that. 
Lenny: Look if I don't find that car I loose my job. 
*** 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Vecchio: I called it in. There you go kid. 
Lenny: A lot of good this is gonna do me. 
Vecchio: Hey call your insurance broker. You do have insurance don't you. 
Lenny: Oh yeah. I spent the last of my inheritance on it. 
Fraser: Well the police have a description of the car so the thieves couldn't get far. 
Lenny: Right now my car's in some garage being torn up for parts. By morning it'll be spread over six states and the frame will be rusting in lake Michigan. 
Vecchio: Earlier career choice kid? 
Lennie: They like to teach you a trade in juvie. 
Vecchio: Let the punk go. 
Fraser: He needs help Ray. 
Vecchio: Hey there's still a few people in this neighborhood without a criminal record. Why don't you try to help one of them? 
[on street] 
Fraser: Lenny! 
Vecchio: He doesn't want your help. Can't you respect that? 
Fraser: This is my neighborhood Ray. That makes it my responsibility. 
Vecchio: Yeah well it's not my neighborhood. 
Fraser: No. Quite right. It's not. Lenny! Lenny, I will find your car. 
Lenny: How? 
Fraser: I have a friend on the case already. 
Lenny: What the wolf? 
Fraser: It's his neighborhood too. 
Lenny: Yeah. I'll hold my breath. 
[in Riv] 
Fraser: That's odd. 
Vecchio: What's that? 
Fraser: Oh it's probably nothing. 
Vecchio: Oh no, I am not getting involved in this one Fraser. Unlike you I refuse to feel guilty about something beyond my control. 
Fraser: No I understand Ray. I understand fully. 
Vecchio: Good. I mean the kid should have got insurance. I'm not going to turn Chicago upside down just to satisfy your twisted sense of honor. 
Fraser: Well I don't expect you to. Every individual must follow their own moral code. 
Vecchio: What's that suppose to mean? 
Fraser: Just what I said Ray. You're right. You have no responsibility here. Look, why don't you just let me off and you can go home. 
Vecchio: Fine. 
Fraser: Thanks. 
Vecchio: I'm going! 
Fraser: Goodnight Ray. 
Vecchio: Forty-seven thousand cars are stolen each year in the city how are you going to find one. 
Fraser: I don't think you want to know Ray. 
Vecchio: You're right. I don't. Goodnight! 
Fraser: Goodnight. 
Vecchio: Okay, how. 
Fraser: When the Inuit go fishing Ray, they don't look for the fish. 
Vecchio: I hate myself. So what do they look for? 
Fraser: The Blue Herron 
Vecchio: You're kidding me right? 
Fraser: No I'm not Ray. 
Vecchio: And where might we find this legendary bird? 
Fraser: We begin by asking the people who'd know. 
[now on foot] 
Vecchio: One pizza. That's all I wanted was one lousy Chicago style deep dish pizza. (sigh) Excuse me, have you seen a 1977 green Comet followed by a white wolf? 
Street Person: Today? 
Vecchio: Yes, of course today. 
Street Person: Nope. 
Vecchio: That's it. That's it. I'm done. I'm not asking any more bums for you. 
Fraser: Thank you ma'am. Ray these are the people of the streets. This is their home and you notice when things are out of place in your home. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, they notice things. They notice green cars, white wolves and pink elephants. This is getting us nowhere. 
Fraser: It got us here. 
Vecchio: Oh this is a place with want to be? 
Fraser: I think I'm picking up his trail. Good boy Diefenbaker. 
Vecchio: You can smell him? 
Fraser: Well not him exactly. 
Vecchio: Oh no! You're sniffing piddle! 
Fraser: Each lupine has it's own unique scent. That's how they mark their territory. 
Vecchio: Yeah it stinks 
Fraser: Oh yes. 
Vecchio: You mean to tell me he peed all the way from here to the loop? 
Fraser: Well he isn't relieving himself. He's marking a trail. 
Vecchio: First dirt tasting now piddle sniffing. I don't want to be around when you start listening to dung. 
Street Person: Fraser's looking for his dog again. 
Street Person2: Yep. 
Vecchio: Where are you going? 
Fraser: Stupid rookie mistake. 
Vecchio: What do you mean? 
Fraser: These last two blocks...I've been tracking a Lapso Apso. 
Vecchio: You've been tracking a Lapso Apso? 
Fraser: I know. If word of this gets back to the Territories, I'll never live it down. 
Vecchio: Mounties can be so cruel. 
Fraser: You can't imagine. Evening Jerome. 
Vecchio: Sniff sniff. I don't smell anything. Sniff 
Fraser: Ray! This is it. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: He's here. 
Vecchio: Where? 
Fraser: Right there. 
Vecchio: Markles used cars? This is where the kid bought the car. Your dumb animal tracked it backwards. 
Fraser: Good dog. Good boy. 
Vecchio: Yeah brilliant. Not only is he deaf he's color blind. 
Fraser: This is the car. 
Vecchio: What do you mean this is the car. This car is bright yellow. The kids car was lime green. And his VIN number isn't even close. 
Fraser: No scratches on the lock. No sign of a break in. they must have used a key. 
Vecchio: Of course they used a key. It's their car. 
Fraser: When I was on Lenny's car, my button accidentally scratched the paint. Now I've just taken a second sample from the wheel well. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, very pretty. 
Fraser: They are identical. Except that this one has a fresh coat of yellow paint. 
Vecchio: You're right. It's still tacky. This is the car. 
Fraser: Do you think we can get florensics down here? 
Vecchio: No need. I'll have this puppy impounded in less than an hour. 
[27th precinct] 
Welsh: Different plates, different color, different vehicle identification number. Am I getting the picture? 
Vecchio: Uh, yes sir but- 
Welsh: All of them are legit. 
Vecchio: Apparently so yes sir. 
Fraser: Detective Vecchio also has a source that collaborates his theories. 
Welsh: And that would be? 
Vecchio: His wolf sir. 
Welsh: Ah. Unfortunately wolves are such notoriously bad witnesses. In my experience, they tend to fold under cross examination. Gentlemen. The states attorney has just enough man power to prosecute a small fraction of the cases we bring to them. You can understand how I'd hate to ask them to prosecute a case in which we have no evidence at all. 
Fraser: Leftenant...Lenny Millan is a descent young man. He's on parole and he's trying to turn his life around. I'm afraid if I told him there's nothing you can do for him 
Welsh: is he a friend of yours? 
Fraser: No sir. 
Welsh: He's a relative. 
Fraser: No. 
Fraser: He delivered a pizza to my apartment at Detective Vecchio's request. 
Welsh: Oh you ordered the pizza. 
Vecchio: It did not see like a mistake at the time sir. 
Welsh: Right. Just like bringing this case to me probably didn't seem like a mistake at the time. 
Vecchio: Well yes sir. 
*** 
Vecchio: My theory. 
Fraser: Well I was just trying to give you credit Ray. 
Vecchio: Okay. I did my good deed. I embarrassed myself to the fullest extinct of the law for you now can I go back to work? 
Fraser: Well of course. You did all you could. Thank you Ray. 
Vecchio: Damn he's as bad as his dog! 
[juvie detention] 
Fits: Hey Milano! What's with the Mountie? Steal some maple syrup? We missed you Lenny. Aw did we hurt your feelings? Ya know you gotta toughen up boy. You don't know what personal hardships you'll run into next time I get my hands on you. 
Lenny: Anytime Fits. Anytime. 
Fits: looking forward to seeing you Lenny. 
Fraser: Is that young man looking to be released soon. 
Lenny: No, he's expecting me to come back here. 
Fraser: Not everybody, Lenny. 
Lenny: Yeah. 
Juvie guy: So, a Mountie. What you do Lenny, steal some maple syrup? 
Lenny: No sir. 
Fraser: I came to vouch for the boy sir. 
Juvie guy: And what does he need vouching for? 
Lenny: My car got stolen. 
Juvie guy: No problem. 
Lenny: I might be out of a job for a while. 
Juvie guy: Oh boy. Condition 12B of your early release. You maintain employment. 
Fraser: Well I'm sure he'll be able to find alternative employment in no time. 
Juvie guy: says maintain not reabtain. Milano has to stick to the job he already has. 
Fraser: Well he can't deliver pizza without a car sir. 
Juvie guy: Sorry. Them's the rules. Lose your job, lose your freedom. 
[27th precinct] 
Vecchio: You wanna go under cover. 
Fraser: Well I admit, I'm not as familiar with the art of subsifuse as you are Ray. But it appears to be an inside job and I can't see any other way to gather sufficient evidence. 
Vecchio: Okay so what would your cover be? 
Fraser: My cover. Well I thought I'd present myself as a chance passerby. Naturally I'd start by removing my hat and any identifying symbols from the uniform. 
Vecchio: Well that would be good because your hat just might give you away. 
Fraser: Exactly that's exactly what I felt. And then what I thought I'd do is I would stroll onto the lot and I would introduce myself to the employees and I would ask a few informal questions. 
Vecchio: Such as... 
Benny: Does anyone here know the where abouts of a stolen lime green Comet? 
Ray nods. 
Benny: Anyone seen a stolen car? 
Ray nods. 
Benny: Any stolen cars around here. 
Ray nods. 
Benny: Oh! If you've seen a stolen car, please raise your hand. 
Vecchio: Okay, let's go. 
Benny: Well, did I say something wrong? 
Vecchio: No. No. Not at all. Just follow me. 
Elaine: You're very good. 
Fraser: (Spins hat, looks smug.) Thank You. 
(Ray holds door for him.) 
[across street from Markles] 
Fraser: How do I look? 
Vecchio: Rule number one about under cover work. If you don't believe it, they don't believe it. Pretend to be used car salesmen, we are used car salesmen 
Fraser: I understand. Excuse me. 
Vecchio: Fraser, you're a car salesman! 
Fraser: Well I understand that Ray, I've done this before you know. 
Vecchio: Oh really? 
Fraser: Yes. When I was a young scout working on my ecology badge I insinuated myself into a hunting party in order to catch a baby seal killer. 
Vecchio: So what happened? 
Fraser: Well, I was clubbed repeatedly, Ray. 
[on lot] 
Markle: Gentleman. Welcome to Tex Markles Preowned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles. What can I do for you. 
Vecchio: It's what we can do for you. Roy Vinner. I'd like you to meet my partner Billy Bob Fraser. Maybe you've heard of him. Billy Bob sold more cars in the state of Texas last year 
Tex: No kidding. Is that true son? 
Fraser: No. 
Tex. Huh. That's what I like an honest man. Most people come here give me a line of bull trying to convince me tier something they're not. But I'll tell you, I'm a little short handed right now. You see that old lady over there? 
Fraser: I can honestly say I do. 
Tex: Good. Well you sell her that piece of junk and you've got yourselves a job. Both of you. Now anything over four hundred dollars you can keep it. Deal? 
Vecchio: Deal. 
Tex: Okay. 
Vecchio: Well, well well, you have a keen eye for quality young lady. 
Lady: Thank you. 
Vecchio: Would you like to start her up? 
Lady: Yes. 
Vecchio: Sounds great huh? 
Lady: Yes it does sound great. 
Fraser: And I don't think that valve problem will give you any trouble for a few hundred miles. 
Vecchio: Excuse me a moment ma'am. 
*** 
Vecchio: When people are trying to buy a car they don't need to hear about engine problems. 
Fraser: You don't expect me to lie to people do you? 
Vecchio: Who's asking you to lie? Ok, I am. But if we don't lie we don't sell a car. If we don't get a job we can't hang around here to solve the case. And if we don't solve the case, Lenny goes to jail. So if you can't say something untrue, please, don't say anything at all. 
Fraser: Alright. 
*** 
Fraser: You picked a fine automobile, ma'am. 
Lady: Did you ever drive this car? 
Fraser: Yes, yes I did. In a rally race. From Whitehorse to Africa. 
Lady: Do you mean you drove this car to Africa? 
Fraser: yes. I did. Except for the Atlantic Ocean where where I had to row. 
Lady: Are you telling me the truth? 
Fraser: No. 
Vecchio: How much do you want to spend? 
Lady: One hundred dollars. 
Vecchio: Deal. I'll meet you in the office. 
Fraser: Tex wanted four hundred. 
Vecchio: I know. Cough up the other three. 
Fraser: Three? 
Vecchio: Yeah. American one hundred dollar bills. Cough em up right now. 
*** 
Vecchio: We did it Tex. We sold her the car! 
[in showroom] 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Good morning people! I've got a few announcements of importance for everyone so take a minute to listen up, all righty? Uh, item one. Try selling cars. Mr. and Mrs. Markles have made it clear this is something we should be doing. All righty? Item two. We have two new salesmen joining us today. Roy Vinner and Billy Bob Fraser which means less commissions for the rest of us. 
Fraser: Hi. Nice to meet you. 
Gary: Finally Tex's list for the day. The list is coming around. Read it. These are the cars Tex would like us to push. Nice mark ups which translates into more profits for Tex. Which means a few more crumbs fall on your plate. One hundred dollar bonus for each one sold. That's it people. Oh and hey, be careful out there. 
[lot] 
Vecchio: I'm telling you this car is a variable chick magnet. Best car on the lot. 0 to 60 in 5.6 seconds and the paint job goes great with blondes brunettes and red heads. 
*** 
Vecchio: Okay, come look at this Camaro. Let me help you with that oxygen tank. 
*** 
Tex: What you doing Billy Bob? Billy Bob! 
Fraser: Oh yes, that's me. 
Tex: Let me take a shot in the dark here. Billy Bob's not your real name is it? 
Fraser: No sir. It's Benton. 
Tex: Well that's a shame I can see why you'd change it. What the hell were you doing down there? 
Fraser: Well I'd rather not say sir. 
Tex: Why not? 
Fraser: Roy would get mad. 
Tex: Well stop messing around under them cars and go and sell me some. 
Fraser: Well I'd love to do that sir but I'm not really a car salesman. 
Female customer: Excuse me, I'd like to take a test drive. 
Car Dealer: Yes, ma'am. Right this way. 
Female customer: Uh, no -- with him. 
Fraser: Oh, certainly. Uh, which car? 
Female customer: All of them. 
Tex: Not a car salesman huh? 
[sales office] 
Vecchio: Wow! I see you've made salesman of the month eight times in a row. 
Gary: Well yeah. You know, being nominated was honor enough. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Gary: Don't touch it. 
Vecchio: Uh, Markles must be a pretty good employer huh? 
Gary: The best. Yeah. As long as you do two thing for him. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah? What's that? 
Gary: Sell plenty of cars. 
Vecchio: And? 
Gary: Don't ask to many stupid questions. 
Vecchio: Billy Bob! Billy Bob. I figured it out. 
Fraser: The specials are all stolen. 
Vecchio: Exactly. 
Fraser: They've been striped of everything except the serial numbers including the tires. 
Vecchio: Exactly. 
Fraser: And judging from the numbers of coats of paint I'd say each one has been sold and stolen several times over. 
*** 
Vecchio: You're with me. It's a beauty isn't it. 
Lady: Yeah. 
*** 
Fraser: The only thing I don't understand is how they can continually to come up with new Vehicle Identification Numbers. 
Vecchio: I do. 
Fraser: You do? 
Vecchio: Yeah and if you hadn't been out test driving all the cars on the lot you'd know too. 
Fraser: You know I'm beginning to suspect that young woman wasn't interested in buying a car. 
Vecchio: sigh. Dashboards. 
Fraser: Dashboards? 
Vecchio: Yeah. I found half a dozen out back in the dumpster. All missing VIN plates. 
Fraser: And at the rate they're exchanging them then they must have quiet a number on the premises. 
Vecchio: Um hum follow me. 
Fraser: You know where they are? 
Vecchio: I do but I'm going to need some help getting in there. 
Fraser: You need me to create a distraction? 
Vecchio: No, Billy Bob, I need you to be a distraction. 
Fraser: How do you mean? 
[Tammy's office] 
Tammy: Oh hi there Billy Bob. 
Fraser: Please. Call me Fraser, Mrs. Markles. 
Tammy: and you can call me Tammy. 
Fraser: Good. Good. 
Tammy: so, what can I do for you? 
Fraser: Well uh what I um shat I think I what I think I um uh I don't know. 
Tammy: Really? Well you know, I've been thinking you got the right stuff to be employee of the week. 
Fraser: Well that's that's flattering but I haven't sold any cars. 
Tammy: well now employee of the week isn't just about selling cars. 
Fraser: Of course not. No. No I'd imagine it's about loyalty and uh dedication and uh trust worthiness. 
Tammy: You're trust worthy aren't you Billy Bob? 
Fraser: I'm I'm trying not to be. 
Tammy: You know what? If we're gonna dance, we might as well hold onto each other. My husband only has time for his work. He really doesn't understand me Billy Bob. But you do don't ya? 
Fraser: Uh no actually I don't think I do. 
Tammy: well I think you do. 
Fraser: Oh yes, now uh now I do. 
Tammy: Now you keep your eyes closed. 
Fraser: Yes, I'd prefer that. 
Tammy: Now you can look. 
Fraser: No, I really can't 
[from outside] Tex: Stop him! 
Fraser: Oh an emergency. I'm sorry, what a shame. 
[lot] 
Tex: Call the police. That kids stealing my car. 
Something I can help you with? 
Vecchio: I was looking for the keys to the skylark. Thank you. 
Tex: Don't scratch the paint! 
Tex: Will you help him! 
[Fraser jumps in front of Lenny's speeding car] 
Lenny: Get out of my way, stupid Mountie! 
Tex: [to Fraser] Great work Billy Bob. [to cop] Arrest that man officer. 
Lenny: But it's my car. 
Fraser: I know. 
Tex: What an employee. That's what I need more salesman who'll throw themselves in front of a car for me. Gary, give him one of your plaques. 
[juvie jail] 
Lenny: Looks like I'll be here for a while. 
Fraser: I'm sorry you have to stay here. 
Lenny: I've been in worst places. Looks like I'm going back to one. I blew it huh? 
Fraser: Dispositional hearing isn't till Friday, it's not over yet. 
Lenny: Look it's not that I don't appreciate your help or anything but yeah, it is over. Looks like Fits was right. Things always come back around and around and around. 
Fraser: You know, Lenny, I'm a man who believes in destiny. But it's a destiny of your own choosing. Just because a trail leads one way doesn't mean you can't cut your own path. 
Lenny: Looks like mine leads right over a cliff. 
Fraser's: Cliffs are for climbing, Lenny. That's why God gave us grappling hooks. 
*** 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: First you want to go under cover, now you talk me into this thing? 
Fraser: Well we have to catch them in the act Ray. 
Vecchio: Ya see here's the tricky thing about sting operations. They require money, resources and a lot more manpower than you me and a wolf. 
Fraser: That's why we have our third man. 
*** 
[Frannie is in the lot, the guys are in the Riv] 
Frannie: Can you read me? 
Fraser: Loud and clear. Oh, um, once again, I'm terribly sorry about the confusion. 
I-I thought you understood my intention. 
Frannie: Don't worry, really. I've forgotten all about it. 
*** 
Frannie: (to woman) Let me ask you something. 
If a guy asks if you're busy tonight, he's asking you out, right? 
Woman: Yeah, I'd think so. 
Frannie: Yeah, so would I. You seen a salesman? 
*** 
Vecchio: One hundred women in my black book and you had to call my sister. 
Fraser: Well, sorry but it was the only current number. 
Vecchio: Ok, can we go over this drill one more time? No departmental approval means we're on our own and being on our own means? 
Frannie: No back up. 
Vecchio: No. We're using my money and using my money means we're buying a cheap car. You find Tex. You ask him what the specials are and you buy the cheapest car on the lot. 
Frannie: I know, you know you've told me this a hundred times already. I think I picked up on most of the subtlety of the plan. 
Vecchio: Yeah just buy the kids comet. 
Frannie: Stop treating me like a child, okay? I know what I'm doing. 
Fraser: Here he comes. 
Tex: Hello little lady. Welcome to Tex Markles Fine Pre-owned Automobile. I'm Tex Markle and how can I help you? 
Vecchio: I'm lookin for a car! I'm looking for a car! 
Frannie: I'm looking for a car. 
Tex: Well, you've certainly come to the right place. You have anything specific in mind? 
Vecchio: Something cheap. 
Frannie: Ohhhh, I don't know. 
Vecchio: What do you mean you don't know. Buy the comet. Buy the comet. 
Frannie: A corvette? 
Vecchio: Comet! C-O-M--(hit hit hit) is this thing working? 
Frannie: One of the really expensive ones. 
Vecchio: You keep this up and I'm gonna let Fraser read your diary. 
Frannie: Oh! Look at that comet. That's adorable! 
Tex: Comet is a great car. Solid dependable automobile. Yes , as a matter of fact uh, we-we got this little baby marked right down. We can, uh, let you have it for about, uh, six hundred dollars? 
Vecchio: Three hundred, tell him three. Tell him three! 
Frannie: Six it is. 
Vecchio: What is the matter with you? Did we not go over this plan? Did we not set in a room and go over this plan? 
*** 
Vecchio: That was suppose to be a flash roll. 
Frannie: Yeah, well consider it a payback. 
Vecchio: For what? 
Frannie: You killed my hamster. 
Vecchio: Yeah--twenty years ago. 
Fraser: You killed her hamster, Ray? 
Vecchio: How was I suppose to know they couldn't swim. 
*** 
Fraser: Ray, we've got company. Black sedan at six o'clock. 
Vecchio: All right, pull over and I'll set the homing device. 
Frannie: Oh! It was premeditated murder. Just admit it. 
Vecchio: Okay, I admit it now pull over. 
Frannie: I'm over. [into a car wash that is washing] 
Vecchio: Ready? 
Fraser: Ready. 
Vecchio: Gimme the keys. Gimme the keys. Okay now I'm gonna be riding in the trunk. 
Fraser: What about the homing device. 
Vecchio: There's no time. Watch this. 
Fraser: No, no, no, Ray, I don't know about this. Ray, you're going to be inside the trunk pulling down. 
Frannie: Will you just get in the trunk already? 
Vecchio: Trust me, this contraption has saved me hundreds of dollars at the drive in movies. 
Fraser: You alright? 
Vecchio: I think I got ripped off. The trunk leaks. Yeow, jeeze this stuffs hot. 
*** 
[outside Vecchio home] 
Fraser: Ray 
Vecchio: Code names! We're on an open frequency here. 
Fraser: (sigh) Penguin to Stallion, come in Stallion. 
Vecchio: Stallion here. 
Fraser: All right, the ferrets have gone around twice. Here they come again. 
Vecchio: Who? 
Fraser: The car thieves. 
*** 
Frannie: I'm ready. Let's go. 
Fraser: Uh, Ray, we've got trouble, there's a fox in the cave. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Your sister is in the car! 
Vecchio: Get her out of here! 
Fraser: Uh, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. This could become dangerous. 
Frannie: You have a cork screw? Oh, that's all right, it's a twist off. 
Fraser: I-uh-I don't mean to sound ingracious and it's not that I don't appreciate the offer. 
Vecchio: Hot hors d'oervres. I'm suffocating and you're serving him a buffet? 
Frannie: You stay out of this Gelding. 
Vecchio: Stallion. 
Frannie: Yeah, in your dreams. 
Fraser: Uh, Stallion, the ferret is in the forest. 
Vecchio: What? 
Frannie: The car thief is coming your way. Escargot? 
Fraser: We're right behind you Stallion. 
Vecchio: Now don't get too close, we don't want to scare these guys off. 
Fraser: We don't want to lose you. 
Frannie: Oh, come on. Would you mind peeling me a shrimp? 
Fraser: You just turned again. Which way did you turn? 
Vecchio: What am I, a Mountie? Right, left, I'm in the trunk for crying out loud. 
Fraser: Just tell me what you hear. 
Vecchio: I hear my head smashing against the side of the trunk. Damn! There's another one. 
Fraser: Speed bumps. Turn right. 
Frannie: Can you sorta take the wheel for a moment? I have my hands full. I can't really serve and drive now can I? Gazpacho? 
Fraser: Uh, he's breaking up, might I suggest we increase our speed? 
Frannie: Oh. 
Vecchio: Will you floor it, Franchesca? 
Frannie: All right! You want garlic butter on your upholstery. 
Fraser: Ray. I think he's out of range. Ray! 
Vecchio: The car has stopped. They shut off the engine. I can hear voices. All right, I can't wait for you guys I'm coming out. 3-2-1. Damn. Stupid. 
*** 
Gary: Venner! I knew there wasn't something right about that guy. 
Tammy: Get rid of him. 
Vecchio: False alarm. We're moving again. 
Fraser: Ray, the driver never got back in. 
Frannie: Uh, oh. 
Vecchio: I think they're getting the car washed again. I don't think they use fresh water at this place. And they sure are using a lot. Too much. Way too much. Fraser! 
Frannie: We've got the wrong place. Fraser: No we don't. Get the keys to the comet. Get the escargot. 
Frannie: You think he'll be hungry? 
Fraser: Where are they? Where are the keys? [they start searching for the keys] 
Frannie: They're in my wallet. 
Fraser: Give me the keys. 
Frannie: Ok, my wallet, where's my wallet. They're not in my coat, they're not in my wallet. [Fraser jumps into the water] Picnic basket. In the other pocket. Okay, I know where it is. There is no pocket. Oh - my blue purse. They're in this pocket. Ho! 
Okay. I can't uh find the keys. 
*** 
Vecchio: Ugh! Ugh! 
Fraser: Ray? Ray? 
Vecchio: Fraser, Fraser. I don't think that was a car wash. 
Fraser: No, Ray. We need a blanket. 
Frannie: Well I only have my good one. 
Vecchio: Get the blanket. 
Fraser: You okay? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Frannie: Okay, so where we going? 
Vecchio: You're going home. Did you see who it was? 
Fraser: No, they took off before we got there. 
Vecchio: I say we go to the dealership and arrest the whole damn bunch. 
Fraser: That would be an injustice, Ray. 
Vecchio: You want to see an injustice, take a look at my suit. 
Frannie: Look at my blanket. 
Vecchio: Shut up. 
*** 
Tex: Hey Tammy where's the keys to the Mustang. Tammy. 
Tammy: Get em yourself. 
Tex: What the heck. What are you doing? 
Tammy: What the heck does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking everything you own and I'm leaving you, you jerk. 
Tex: Why? 
Tammy: Well because I've been selling stolen cars that's why. 
Tex: Don't lie to me. There's another man, isn't there? 
Tammy: Good God where have you been? There's been dozen's of them. 
Tex: Where have you been. Well forget it. You can break my heart but you can't steal my money. 
Tammy: You haven't got the guts. 
Vecchio: Okay drop it. 
Tammy: Thank God you're here. He's gone crazy. He's going to kill me. 
Vecchio: Drop the gun Tex, you're under arrest. 
Tex: But she's stealing my money. 
Vecchio: I said drop it. 
Fraser: he didn't do it Ray. 
Vecchio: He's the one with the gun. 
Fraser: But she's the one with the algea on her shoes. 
Vecchio: Okay, freeze. 
Fraser: She couldn't have done it alone. 
Vecchio: Freeze. Gary? 
Fraser: Gary. 
Gary: Put you hands in the air. 
Tammy: Gary darling. Shoot em. Shoot em all. 
Tex: Can't believe this you're leaving me for for a a salesman? 
Tammy: Shoot him first. 
Gary: No Tammy, we're not going to shoot anybody. We're just gonna tie em up and get on a plane and get out of here. 
Tammy: Oh good God you're as big a coward as he is. Well never mind. I'll just give your ticket to someone else. 
Gary: She hit my watch. 
Fraser: It's a superficial wound. Can you watch him till the police come? 
Tex: Sure 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Tammy: You're tempting the wrong person Billy Bob. 
Vecchio: Dead? 
Tammy: [stunned] I hate men. 
Fraser: No. Just disappointed. 
Vecchio: What is wrong with you? 
Fraser: Pardon me? 
Vecchio: What the hell is wrong with you. She almost killed you in there. Didn't you think she'd flatten you here? 
Fraser: Oh I knew she was prepared to kill me. 
Vecchio: Well then why did you stand there? 
Fraser: Well I heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me long enough so you would intervene. 
Vecchio: But what if I didn't. 
Fraser: Well I knew you would take the car parked next to hers and the Plymoth excells two seconds faster over the quarter mile than the Cadillac. 
Vecchio: I took the Chevy. 
Fraser: Oh. Oh well. You know you really should tell me next time. 
Vecchio: Tell you what? 
Fraser: I mean if you're going to change a plan like that. I was standing in front of a car, Ray. 
Vecchio: Plan? Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me there were two cars to choose from alright you're telling me I took the wrong car. 
Fraser: No apologies necessary. It's already forgotten. 
Vecchio: do we have to pay for these cars? 
Fraser: I would imagine so. Yes. 
Vecchio: Welsh is gonna have my butt. 
*** 
[in Riv] 
Fraser: Twenty-nine minutes Ray. 
Vecchio: Okay, Okay I don't need a count down 
Lenny: Okay this is the twelve hundred block. It's got to be around here someplace. 
Vecchio: Can you believe these skin flints? They couldn't have just ordered from across the street? 
Fraser: Maybe they wanted the perfect pizza at a perfect price. 
Vecchio: Sixteen bucks? I'm not paying. You're job kid. You pay. 
Lenny: Why should I pay. You're driving. 
Fraser: and I'm afraid I left my wallet in the lake Ray. 
Vecchio: What about him? 
Fraser: Well I don't like to touch his savings account. 
Lenny: Just tell em you couldn't find the building. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, that'll convince em. 

End of Pizza and Promises
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Chinatown

[Chinatown] 
Vecchio: You want your soggy chop suey, go to the burbs. Here it's the real deal. Fish heads, bird nest soup, shark fins so fresh they're still swimming in the bowl. But ya gotta act like a regular otherwise they stick you with yesterdays mooshoo. 
Fraser: Well I'll just follow your lead then. 
Vecchio: Yeah, just try not to hold the menu upside down. 
Fraser: Oh dear. Uh, ya see that sign. That includes you. No, no, no. You can't take that attitude. It's a health regulation. There's a very good reason for it. 
Vecchio: Yeah, you stink. 
Fraser: Ray, please, he's already feeling excluded. 
Vecchio: Well, he should feel excluded, he's an animal. 
Dief (not Ray): Whine. 
Fraser: Well there you go. Now you've done it. Satisfied? 
Vecchio: Strangely, yes. 
*** 
Vecchio: Thank you. 
Fraser: You're welcome. 
Dief: Whine. 
[into restaurant] 
Vecchio: How could you be out of bird nest soup. There's gotta be one in every tree. 
Lee: The wonton soup is excellent. 
David: I'm going to take a break, Dad. 
Vecchio: Alright, look just give us a couple of orders of mandarin duck will ya? 
Lee: Sorry, no duck. 
*** 
Vecchio: How about a chili dog? 
Fraser: Uh, Ray? May I? 
Vecchio: Yeah go ahead Benny, but it's in Chinese. 
Fraser: Oh, so I see. 
Rya: And try not to order anything with internal organs will ya? 
Fraser: Uh dai yut, dai Sei, yung gnai choii, bok fon, gai uyp dip sei gyup tim. 
Lee: Ho go do je sai. Do je sai. 
Fraser: Ng goi. 
Vecchio: How did you do that? 
Fraser: I just went with the specials. 
*** 
Fraser: My grandparents helped set up an English language library in China before the revolution. And they taught me the Cantonese / mandarin dialects when I was little. But I'm afraid I've forgotten almost all the Fuchow and Amoy-swatow that I knew. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, I hate when that happens. 
*** 
Fraser: You think he's alright? 
Vecchio: Who? 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. 
Vecchio: He's a wild animal! 
Fraser: He didn't look alright. 
[on street] 
Stranger: Now who would go off and leave a nice dog like you. Nice cookie? 
[restaurant] 
Lee: Sei ho, chow fun, dow sei jueng, hom sui gok, sei yow. 
[David on the street, walking] 
Kidnapper: Got a light? 
David Lee: Sure. 
Kidnapper: Oops. Sorry. 
David Lee: No problem. Let go. Let go of me. 
[restaurant] 
Fraser: Glass. 
Lee: Certainly. 
Fraser: Excuse me. [goes out the window] 
Vecchio: Oh, no, Benny not the window! I don't think they have doors in Canada. 
Fraser: Ray! Kidnapping! Call for assistance! 
Vecchio: Unit three-four-two request for back-up. 
*** 
Vecchio: English. Speak English. 
Fraser: who was it? 
Vecchio: Nobody saw anything. 
[on street in front of restaurant] 
Louis: So, you were sitting up there when this supposed crime took place where? 
Fraser: Approximately thirty-five meters south southwest. 
Huey: And you saw this from across the room, through the pagoda and around the corner, right? 
Fraser: No, I heard it. 
Huey: You heard it. 
Louis: You heard it. 
Huey: tell me Fraser, what exactly does a kidnapping sound like? 
Fraser: Well in this case, there was the sound of a foot breaking glass, this was followed by the scream of a female bystander and then the squeal of tires as the vehicle pulled away from the curb. 
Huey: and did you happen to hear the license plate number? 
Fraser: No, no. The license was obscured by mud. 
Louis: You know what we have here Jack? Another case of speeding with a dirty license plate. 
Huey: Damn! This city's going to hell. 
Fraser: I did find this. Whoever was kidnapped must have tried to escape through the rear window. I believe you'll find that's human blood. 
Huey: Ah someone nicked themselves while driving. 
Louis: This case keeps getting worse and worse. 
Vecchio: Okay the owner says he didn't get out in time to see anything. Likewise everyone else on the block. 
Huey: So no witnesses, no victim, no evidence. You know what this sounds like Louis? 
Louis: A UFO sighting? 
Huey: I'm afraid so. It's all yours Vecchio. 
Vecchio: You guys going back to the donut shop so soon? Yeah thanks for your fine police work. 
Huey: Thank you, Vecchio. 
*** 
Vecchio: Okay, have you humiliated me enough for one night, or do we need to cruise the neighborhood so you can smell out a robbery? 
Fraser: No, I think we're still needed here, Ray. The kidnappers are bound to make contact sooner or later. 
Vecchio: With who? We don't even know who was kidnapped. 
Fraser: No but I will wager that Mr. Lee does. 
*** 
Fraser: Did you notice the restaurant next door? 
Vecchio: Yeah, it was packed, so what? 
Fraser: Well, based on the menus displayed in the window, Mr. Lee's prices are cheaper by half and yet his restaurant sits empty on a Saturday night. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well if he stocked up a little better he'd have a fighting chance. 
Fraser: No restaurateur would allow his key ingredients to be depleted, at least not willingly. 
Vecchio: So you think he's being squeezed. 
Fraser: Yes I do. 
Vecchio: Look it's a mom and pop establishment. There's no money here. Who would bother? 
Fraser: Well I don't know. But whoever it is I think they just raised the stakes. 
[talking on the phone in the kitchen. Some of the neighbors are there] 
Lee: Where is my son? 
Wong: My people tell me he has been kidnapped. I was shocked certainly but not surprised. For sometime now there has been talk of drugs and gambling debts unpaid. 
Lee: Those are lies. 
Wong: Of course. But let us keep at the issue at hand. As you know I have the resources to find your son. I offer to do this and return him to you. In return I would ask a similar favor. You will stop this lies you are spreading about me in the community and you will demonstrate your respect for us by accepting the reasonable and generous business offer we have made to you in the past. Do this and I will find your son for you. 
Mrs. Lee: Will you please give him what he wants. 
Friend: You cannot do that. 
Lee: He has my son. 
Friend: He'll come for ours next. If you give in to him you are the one who told us to stand together when the Tong came to our neighborhood. 
Friend 2: If you give in, we all go down. 
*** 
Fraser: Mr. Lee? I'm terribly sorry to intrude. 
Lee: Excuse me? 
Fraser: It was your son they took wasn't it? 
Lee: We will speak later my friend. Goodnight. 
Fraser: I wasn't able to see the occupants clearly but one of them was wearing kitchen whites. 
Vecchio: Your son never came back from his break. 
Lee: Thank you for your concern but whoever this unfortunate boy is there is nothing you can do for him. You do not realize what will happen to him if the police get involved. The Tong make the law down here. 
Fraser: I don't think you believe that Mr. Lee and if you give them what they want they'll take it and they'll still betray you. 
Lee: Perhaps. But this boy's father may not have any choice but trust they will keep their word. 
Fraser: There's a wise Chinese expression. Under the fragrant bait you will find a hooked fish. 
Lee: I cannot help you. Please, go. 
*** 
Vecchio: Under the fragrant bait you will find a hooked fish? Do you have any idea what you're saying? You sound like a fortune cookie. 
[27th precinct] 
Vecchio: What did I tell you? Talking nice gets you nowhere. These people come from a culture that only responds to strength. 
Fraser: That's a cultural stereotype, Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, look who's talking. 
Fraser: Mr. Lee heard what I had to say. Now he'll make his choice. 
Vecchio: Yep and that's the last you'll see of him. 
*** 
Fraser: It's alright Mr. Lee. Just take your time. 
Lee: For years the Tong ignored our neighborhood concentrating on the more prosperous merchants of Chinatown. Then Charlie Wong came to town. 
Vecchio: Heard of him. Heard he's hungry. 
Lee: He wanted to make a name for himself. I told him to get lost and I encouraged my neighbors to do the same. That's why he took David. 
Fraser: He didn't actually say he took your son did he. 
Lee: He's not a stupid man. 
Fraser: Well you did the right thing in coming to us, Mr. Lee. We will find your son. 
Vecchio: Yeah. Okay, now I want you to tell us as close as you can remember exactly what he said on the phone. 
Huey: Gentleman. I hear Mr. Lee is prepared to make a statement. 
Vecchio: Good going Jack, see what happens when you take the donut holes out of your ears? 
Louis: Pack it up Vecchio. You called us in. It's our case. You out. You stay put. [puts down his little tape recorder] 
Vecchio: No, you out. You stay put. [pushes the tape recorder away] 
Louis: Touch us again, I'll toss you out. 
Fraser: Perhaps we should all step out. 
Ford: Good idea. Agents Ford and Deeter, FBI. We're taking over the case. [knocks the little recorder off the table and replaces it with a very big one] 
Louis: Hey! I just bought that. 
(Welsh's office, everyone yelling at Welsh) 
Welsh: Alright, one at a time. 
Ford: Kidnapping is a federal offense there is no discussion. 
Huey: Lieutenant they just can't walk in and kick up off our case. 
Vecchio: It's not you case, it's my case. 
Huey: Yeah, right Ray. 
Fraser: Eh, sir, perhaps I can be of assistance. 
Agent Ford: Who's he? 
Welsh: He's a Mountie. 
Agent Ford: What's he doing here? 
Welsh: I'm never entirely sure. 
Fraser: Leftenant I understand your dilemma. In Canada, we have more than a passing familiarity with confusion. We're comprised of 10 provinces and 2 territories communicating across 6 time zones in 2 official languages. The English don't understand the French, the French don't understand the English and the Inuit, quite frankly, couldn't give a damn about either of them. Added to the equation is the Assembly of First Nations, with a total of 633 separate Indian bands speaking 180 sub - dialects among their 50 linguistic groups. And as if that weren't enough, there are some fisherman on the east coast with a remarkably whimsical accent . . . 
Welsh: There is a point to this, I assume? 
Fraser: Oh yes sir. I believe so. The key that we have found is compromise. I would suggest we devise the plan that would use everyone to the best of their abilities. 
Ford: This man knows nothing about police work. Get him out of here. 
Welsh: Ray, please. 
Fraser: I thank you for your time. 
[bullpen] 
Lee: It is settled now. You will help my son. 
Fraser: The FBI is on the case now Mr. Lee. They'll help you. 
Lee: But I don't know those men. Can I trust them? 
*** 
Ford: I want wire taps on the restaurant and on the home phones. And I want background checks on everyone in the restaurant including the victim. Oh, and I want two of our best people undercover in Chinatown. Get MacClutsky and O'Hara. 
Underling: Roger. 
Ford: you the kids father? In here. 
Fraser: Put your trust in the law. 
*** 
Vecchio: Are you nuts? The kid is done for. The FBI guys couldn't find Waldo if they took the book home for the weekend. 
Fraser: I said trust in the law, Ray, that doesn't mean we can't give the law a leg up. 
Vecchio: Atta boy, Benny, now you're talking so where do we start? 
Fraser: In here. 
Vecchio: Benny? This is a closet. 
Fraser: I know. 
*** 
Vecchio: How long we sitting here? Well, you see, I have this thing about the dark. I mean I mean I've dealt with it. I'm comfortable with it. I mean I mean it's not like I'm afraid of the dark. 
Dief: whine. 
Vecchio: Hey! No, no. Three in a closet is where I draw the line. 
Fraser: Would everyone please settle down? I'm trying to listen. 
Vecchio: To what? 
Fraser: Shhhh. I'm not certain but it sounds like 'doowsh, doowsh.' What does that sound like to you? 
Vecchio: How about the sound of my job going down the toilet? I'm sitting in a dark closet with a Mountie being licked by a deaf wolf . . . That was the wolf, wasn't it? 
Fraser: Yes, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh, thank God! 
Vecchio: So what the hell we doing in here anyway? 
Fraser: I'm recreating the sound of the kidnapping in my mind. The noise the limo made after it sped out of sight. If I can piece these noises together it should lead us to David Lee. There. There we go. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: I think it's a clunk. No. No wait a minute. It's a thud. Definitely a thud. 
Vecchio: But what does it mean? 
Fraser: It doesn't matter what it means. All that matters now is to remember. 
[Elaine opens the closet door and stares at them] 
Elaine: Hi. 
Vecchio: Hi. 
Fraser: Hi. 
Elaine: I saw you guys come in here. 
Fraser: Ah, well we were just um...have you ever heard of a sound that goes 'doowsh doowsh.' 
[hallway] 
Vecchio: No more listening in closets, okay? 
Fraser: I'm sorry Ray. 
Vecchio: Is it strictly necessary to humiliate me every step of the way? I mean is it necessary -- 
Fraser: Ray, Ray. Please, I can't have the both of you sulking. [to Dief] Well are you coming? [Dief goes the other way] You know, you -- you let a wolf save your life, they make you pay and pay and pay . . . 
[very smug] Vecchio: That's why I don't own a wolf. 
[further down the hallway] 
Louis: I don't like this Jack. I feel dirty. 
Huey: There's no time for scruples, Louis. We've got to get back on this case. 
Louis: I hate these FBI guys. Why would I want to help them? 
Huey: Because that's how this works. We scratch their backs, they scratch ours. 
Louis: They broke my tape recorder. 
Huey: Louis, try to grasp this concept. A Mountie and a badly dressed Italian are solving more cases that we are. Our image is tarnished, our case load had slipped, and I spend more time plucking out gray hairs than I do with my tailor. We need a break. 
Louis: I know that Jack. I've got a tailor too you know. 
Huey: So think. What's the one thing they want most in this case? 
Louis: To get the credit? 
Huey: Exactly. So we help them get the credit and we keep some for ourselves. Alright? 
Louis: Alright. 
Huey: You cool? 
Louis: Yeah. 
Huey: Good. 
Louis: Yeah, I'm cool. 
[parking lot] 
Fraser: Well the car that was used in the kidnapping. What was it? 
Vecchio: Lincoln Town Car. Late model. 
Fraser: Is that a common car to Chicago? 
Vecchio: Nah. There couldn't be more than five thousand of them. 
Fraser: Do you think we can get a manual? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
[interrogation room] 
Ford: Do you know what this is? 
Huey: No. 
Ford: It's a bug. You know hot to plant one? 
Louis: What do you think? 
Ford: I think you're morons. But do it right and we'll bring you in for the kill. 
Huey: Louis. He just called you a moron. 
[Ray in car, Fraser is walking along alley in Chinatown] 
Vecchio: This is exactly what I was afraid would happen. 
Fraser: Ray, please. 
Vecchio: You cannot track a Lincoln Town Car through the streets of Chicago. It's not like a beaver. It doesn't leave nice little tail tracks in the tundra. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: We've picked up their trail. 
Vecchio: Why do I feel more and more like Dale Evans? Hey, Roy, wait for me! [speeds up to catch Fraser] 
Vecchio: I thought you said it was a clunk. 
Fraser: No it was more like a thud accompanied by a scraping and followed by a tccchhh. 
Vecchio: Spend a lot of time alone as a child, Fraser? 
Fraser: Yes. What is this? [Ray gets out of car] 
Vecchio: It's a pot hole! 
Fraser: This is it. 
Vecchio: How do you know? 
Fraser: Look at this. 
Vecchio: Yeah, it looks like where a tailpipe might have hit. 
Fraser: And these? 
Vecchio: Two tire tracks but if this is a Lincoln, they didn't lay much rubber. 
Fraser: Well maybe the tire didn't have much left. What does the manual say about the wheel base. 
[Opens the manual he is carrying] Vecchio: Seventy inches. 
Fraser: What's the distance from the tail pipe to the left rear wheel. 
Vecchio: Thirty-three inches. 
Fraser: This is the car and they turned right. 
Vecchio: Oh great. Now we know the Lincoln turned right before it disappeared into thin air. Is this what you call a hot trail up in the north country? 
Fraser: Look at this. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: Mud. 
Vecchio: Mud. You found mud. Now that is something amazing. 
Fraser: The license plate was intentionally obscured. Now this piece must have fallen off when they hit that bump. Now see this? It could be the negative image of a three. 
Vecchio: Yeah or a five or an eight in other words we're no where, the trail is over and we got zip. 
Fraser: Not necessarily. What does it smell like? 
Vecchio: Mud. 
Fraser: But what else? 
Vecchio: Mud and fresh towels? 
Fraser: Exactly. 
Vecchio: What are you doing? [Fraser is breaking up the mud in the puddle] That is the only piece physical evidence we have and you're destroying it. 
Fraser: Well the mud isn't the evidence we need Ray. This is. Do you see these white flecks? 
Vecchio: Yeah so? 
Fraser: Watch this. [swishes hand in water] 
Vecchio: Soap! 
Fraser: How many laundries are there in this area. 
Vecchio: Fraser, this is Chinatown. 
Fraser: And how many laundries are there directly on the river. 
Vecchio: The river. 
Fraser: This is fine grain alluvial mud. It's only found close to a river bank. Do you have your phone? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
[on phone to Elaine] 
Elaine: Hello? 
Vecchio: Elaine. 
Elaine: Uh huh. 
Vecchio: Yeah, Vecchio. How many Chinese laundries right on the river bank? 
Elaine: Why? You two having trouble squeezing into a booth? 
Vecchio: Elaine. 
Elaine: You know, occasionally just occasionally you might want to consider doing your own grunt work instead of foisting it off on me with out so much as a word of appreciation. 
Vecchio: Okay, I appreciate you Elaine. 
Elaine: Eh, who cares. 
Vecchio: Elaine, we really appreciate you. 
Elaine: Really? 
Vecchio: The laundry Elaine? 
Elaine: Yeah. Here we go. Looks like there's only one. 2193A China Place. Sho Ma laundry. 
Vecchio: Thanks Elaine. 
[FBI and The Duck Boys listening in on conversation] 
Louis: And they called you a moron. 
[inside Sho Ma laundry] 
Vecchio: You know what we're going to find in there? Six old ladies playing Mah-Jong. 
Fraser: Maybe, maybe not. 
Vecchio: Soap. 
*** 
Vecchio: Police! Freeze! So much for your mud and soap theory. 
Fraser: Whoever kidnapped David Lee was here last night. At least four of them. They bound him in duct tape. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: Listen. 
Vecchio: Oh, Benny, not again. 
Fraser: Shhh. 
Vecchio: Back! Front door! 
Fraser: Across the street. 
Vecchio: Since when do thugs start wearing flight jackets. Oh, no! 
[from outside] 
Ford: This is the FBI. You are surrounded. Throw down your weapons. 
Vecchio: Oh great! 
*** 
Vecchio: What kind of idiot are you? You eavesdrop on my phone call. You blasted me with an assault weapon. Everyone in Chinatown knows we're on the case. 
Ford: Who's fault is that Detective? This is a federal investigation you were specifically instructed not to interfere. 
[Welsh's office] 
Fraser: Leftenant, David Lee and his kidnapper were in that building. The tire tracks in the alley confirm this and there's more evidence inside. Now if we can just gain access to -- 
Ford: No! this is a crime scene. I will not have unauthorized personnel entering that -- 
Lee: Where is he? My son? You have found him? 
Fraser: No I'm afraid not, Mr. Lee. 
Lee: But all the police. The shooting. 
Ford: Look, uh Mr. Lee. We're sorry to disappoint you but things like these happen in the course of an investigation. So if you'll take your wife and go home please. 
Lee: I see. Nothing to be concerned about. My son is in the hands of the killers and I should go home and wait for you to shoot up some other places. 
Ford: We're doing everything we can sir. He's hysterical, get him out of here. 
Deeter: He's on his way in. 
Ford: Good. Take him into interrogation. 
Vecchio: Who? Take up who? 
Lee: You! Come into Chinatown. You bring the police. FBI. What do you think will happen when Charlie Wong hears of this? What do you think he will do to my son? 
Ford: We will deal with Mr. Wong. 
Mrs. Lee: No! No! 
Vecchio: Are you crazy? The victim is still out there and you bring in his kidnapper? 
Ford: As you pointed out detective, all of Chinatown knows we're involved. It's time to take the bull by the horn. 
Welsh: He's right. You're an idiot. 
Lee: You've done this to me. You've killed my son. 
Vecchio: This is what you get for trying to help someone? 
Fraser: No, he's right. 
Vecchio: You didn't blow up Chinatown. The feds did. 
Fraser: But I led them there. I did this. 
*** 
Vecchio: I need this one sir. 
Welsh: Come on Detective, you know I can't do that. 
Vecchio: The fed's a horses ass. He's gonna blow this. 
Welsh: It's his investigation. Look maybe I can make a call. Maybe we can have him replaced. 
Vecchio: That kid'll be dead by then sir. I need this one. 
*** 
Vecchio: Come on. [leads Fraser to the bathroom] 
Fraser: Where? 
Vecchio: I have this room I go to when I need to close my eyes and listen. 
*** 
Vecchio: Out. 
Officer: But I was just 
Vecchio: Trust me. There are things a lot more painful then gum disease. 
Fraser: It's not very polite Ray. 
Vecchio: You like that? You're going to love this. 
Fraser: We're eavesdropping, aren't we? 
Vecchio: I'll make sure they take away your merit badge later. 
*** 
Wong: The police cannot distinguish between Chinese and Japanese let alone an honest Chinese from a dishonest one. 
Ford: I don't think there's much doubt which category you fall into Charlie. Where is he? 
Wong: I hear he's been abducted. 
*** 
Fraser: What's that? 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: It sounds like uh...clicking. 
Vecchio: Will you stop that? 
Wong: I offered to help his family in anyway I could. Unfortunately the situation appears to be out of my control. 
Ford: I think you underestimate yourself Mr. Wong. I think you know exactly where David Lee is. And I think you're just the guy to tell us. 
Wong: Why do you think that Agent Ford? 
Ford: Because if you don't we're going to evolve the Riko act. Raid your place of business, seize your assets and shut you down. 
Wong: So I should be frightened. Even though you have absolutely no evidence which would connect me to the unfortunate disappearance of this young man. 
Ford: Kidnapping is gravy. All we need is evidence of racketeering and threats of extortion and we can take every penny you've made since kindergarten. 
Wong: I don't doubt your zeal Agent Ford but if you had such evidence I don't think you'd be sitting here explaining the Rico act to me. You would have acted. 
Ford: You've given us our evidence Mr. Wong. You laid it right in our laps. You threatened the wrong shop keeper, Charlie. 
*** 
Fraser: He can't do this. 
*** 
Ford: He was just down stairs. What do you think he was doing huh? Mr. Lee's willing to testify to your conversation and racketeering puts you away for twenty. Now you kill his son and it only makes him a stronger witness. 
Wong: You have no witness. 
Lady: It's Wong's lawyer. 
Lawyer: This is a writ of habeas corpus ordering you to release Mr. Wong immediately. Let's go Charlie. 
Wong: Gentlemen. 
*** 
Fraser: He just killed them both. 
[parking lot] 
Lee: I'll give you what you want. Give me back my son. Please. 
Wong: I don't understand Mr. Lee. Yesterday you were prepared to sacrifice your son for your pride. I offered you my protection, my help. I extended my hand in friendship and you spit on it. And now you betray me to the police. 
Lee: Forgive me. I'll give you anything you ask. 
Wong: Too late. 
Lee: No. 
Wong: Where is your pride now old man? You want to do something for your son? 
Lee: Yes. 
Wong: Give me what I deserve. A simple show of respect. 
Lee: Anything. 
Wong: My office one hour. And Mr. Lee. Be sure to walk. All of your neighbors must see you pay respect to the man who will save your son. 
[interrogation room] 
Vecchio: Fraser what are you doing? Fraser! Will you get off the floor? Fraser! Okay, that's it. I'm not going to stand here and watch while you eat hairballs off the floor. 
Fraser: It's not those Ray. It's these. Nail clippings. That's the sound Charlie Wong was making. 
Vecchio: Oh that's too bad cause I though he had something incriminating like his nose hairs. 
Fraser: It's not the nails we're interested in Ray. It's what's underneath them. 
Vecchio: Fraser: this guy wears two-thousand dollar suits, okay? He's not going to walk around with dirt under his nails. 
Fraser: Well exactly. Which means anything we find had to be collected since he showered this morning. 
Vecchio: No! No! Oh, don't do that! Don't, don't, don't. 
Fraser: Close your eyes it won't bother you. 
Vecchio: Okay, just hurry up will you? 
*** 
Vecchio: Well? 
Fraser: Potassium nitrate and a touch of sulfur. 
Vecchio: That's gun powder. 
Fraser: Not ordinary gun powder. 
Fraser: Not ordinary gun powder. It's very low grade. It's not like anything I've ever tasted. 
Vecchio: Do you do this a lot? Try to solve cases by gnawing on ammunition? 
Fraser: Well, I admit, it is a calculated risk, Ray, but I am a professional. This is not for amateurs. 
[hallway] 
Fraser: Hello? Hello? Hello? Pay and pay and pay. 
Mrs. Lee: Charlie Wong. My husband is planning on going to him. To humble himself. To get the release of our son. I love my son. He's all we have, but I trust a snake not to bite before I trust Charlie Wong. 
Vecchio: where are they meeting. 
Mrs. Lee: At the club at the end of our street. Wong and his people use it as if it is theirs. One hour from now. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Mrs. Lee: I want my family back. 
[parking lot then in the Riv] 
Vecchio: We're gonna stop em? 
Fraser: If he doesn't show up Charlie will kill his son. 
Vecchio: And if he does, he'll kill them both. 
Fraser: Yes. So that gives us forty-five minutes to find David. 
Vecchio: How? We don't even know where the hell we're going. 
Fraser: I think we do. 
Vecchio: Firecrackers? Sorry Fraser, not good enough. 
Fraser: Why not? It's gun powder, low grade. 
Vecchio: In case you didn't realize, Mr. Mountie, you cannot buy sell or manufacture fireworks anywhere in the city of Chicago. 
Fraser: That is unless you have a license to exhibit. City ordinance section fifteen dash twenty. 
Vecchio: You read that? 
Fraser: There's a world of information at your local library, Ray. You still there Elaine? 
Elaine: Three. Quan Lew and Yellow Dragon Fireworks both on the south side and Luck Day Pirotechnics on Barrington. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Elaine. 
Vecchio: Yeah, thanks Elaine. 
Elaine: Uh huh. 
Vecchio: Your call. 
Fraser: We'll try the one on Barrington. 
Vecchio: That's right in Charlie Wong's backyard. You actually think he's going to keep the kid there? 
Fraser: He's there. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. 
Vecchio: Another wise Chinese guy? 
Fraser: No, Robert Fraser, my father. 
Vecchio: Barringtom. It's just ahead on the left. 
*** 
Ford: Got him. 
[Lee prepares to meet with Wong. Putting a gun in the tribute box, then walks to the meeting. Fraser and Ray drive to the same location] 
Ray to the guy on watch: Where's the kid. 
Thug: You're a cop. You won't shoot me. 
Vecchio: I'm not that good a cop. 
Thug: Upstairs. At the back. 
Vecchio: How many? 
Thug: Two. Three. 
Vecchio: Ladies first. 
[Wong's office] 
Wong: Give me five minutes then come down and get him. Leave the bodies in the alley. I want them found. 
Thug: You got it. [to David] You want to start smoking, now would be a good time. 
*** 
Fraser: Ray, gun powder. 
Vecchio: Oh you gotta be kidding me! 
Fraser: You alright? 
David: Where's y father? 
Vecchio: One crises at a time, kid. I think they're reloading. 
Fraser: You sure? 
Vecchio: Not entirely. Now they're reloading. 
Fraser: Go! 
*** 
Fraser: You alright? 
Vecchio: Fine. 
*** 
Wong: you've made a wise choice. Come in. 
Lee: Where's my son? 
Wong: Where's my tribute? 
*** 
Wong: You stupid old man. Do you know what you've done to your son? Do you? 
Lee: Please, I beg you. 
Wong: No. No more. 
[Fraser is chasing down a bad guy and Dief appears out of nowhere to tackle the guy. Ray, in the meantime, shoots the gun out of Wong's hand] 
Vecchio: Don't move Wong. Up against the wall. Up against the wall. 
Fraser to Dief: Thank you. If you're expecting an apology, you have another thing coming. Pay and pay and pay. 
Ford: FBI. You are surrounded. Throw down your weapons! [They start shooting, the fireworks catch fire...nice display] 
*** 
Vecchio: Well, you have to admire their timing. 
Fraser: Shouldn't we stay and fill out some reports? 
Vecchio: Well no. we have to leave them something to do. Fraser: Nice shot, by the way . . . knocking it out of the guy's hand. Vecchio: Oh, you liked that? 
Fraser: Oh, I was impressed. 
Vecchio: I thought you would be. 
Fraser: You were aiming for . . . 
Vecchio: His chest. 
Fraser: Oh, I think I should adjust your sights. 
Vecchio: I'd appreciate that. Are you hungry? 
Fraser: Uh huh. 
Vecchio: I know a nice little place right around the corner. 
[27th precinct, the place is deserted except for Elaine, Dief and a half gallon of ice cream that she is consuming and he is eyeing] 
Elaine: I know what it is. I'm an idiot. I meet this guy, he's like no one I've ever met before . . . You know? -- Warm, caring, sensitive . . . the kind that really rips your guts out. And right there -- *right there* -- I should have known. There should have been this big neon sign flashing in ten foot high letters, 'Elaine, you're about to make a complete fool of yourself!' I mean, just who the hell does he think he is? Coming around here with that dopey looking grin, saying things like, 'Good morning, Elaine' . . . 'How are you today, Elaine?' . . . 'Thank you kindly for your time, Elaine.' Like I'm supposed to just take that? And the minute you let him get to you, you can't sleep, your skin starts to break out, and the next thing you know you're wandering around supermarkets humming tunes by the Carpenters at the top of your lungs! Do you have any idea what that feels like? 

End of Chinatown
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Chicago Holiday 

[Fraser's apartment] 
Fraser: What would you most like to see on your first evening. How about La BoHeMe. You have to give opera more than one chance. That was the Yukon Light Opera and I thought they did their very best under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. In fact it's a miracle that poor woman could sing at all after being dragged out of that snowdrift. Oh here's an idea, a modern dress production of Gilbert and Sullivan's Ivanhoe. 
Dief: Woof. 
Fraser: No, you're right and she is sixteen. I mean, perhaps I'm being a bit conservative. Mind you she's the daughter of a very important Canadian trade diplomat. I can hardly invite her to a sock hop. I have the museums and galleries scheduled for tomorrow, I just have to find something she'd enjoy doing tonight. Oh look, the Bee Gees are reuniting. 
Dief: Whine. 
Fraser: You know I don't even know why I bother talking to you when you're in these kinds of moods. May I be frank? I only started talking to you on the ice flow out of sheer boredom. Now you've got an opinion on virtually everything. Well, from now on you can keep your opinions to yourself. Oh - how do I look? Well thank you. 
[alley. Frank Collebis is having a smoke and killed. A matchbook is taken from his hand] 
[Eddie Beet's Apartment] 
Eddie: Hi honey I'm home. I had a very hard day at the office. Guess what? I got the promotion. And I'm in the mood to celebrate. Come out come out where ever you are. 
Janice: Think you can treat me like that Eddie? Hmm? You make me wait here all day and you think you can talk to me like that? Well think again jerk. 
[alley] 
Welsh: Who called it in? 
Huey: One of the broken nose guys in the bar found him when he came out for his car. 
Walsh: We have cause of death? 
Pearce: Judging from the hole in his back I'd rule out asphyxiation. 
Vecchio: Alright, they all tell the same story. They were playing cards, Frank was up. He stepped out. He never came back. They figured he went home a winner. 
Welsh: Who do we like for this. 
Vecchio: It's gotta be Eddie Beets. 
Louis: No, Eddie's a soldier. This took too much initiative. 
Vecchio: Word is Eddies been getting a little itchy talking Frankie down. Money says somebody was putting big thoughts in Eddies head. 
Louis: Eddie didn't have the brains for big thoughts. 
Vecchio: You got the list, you don't need brains. 
Louis: That list is a fairy tale. 
Vecchio: Franky's a very hands on kind of guy. He's kept a very meticulous record of every distributor and dealer he ever knew. He owns Franky's list, he owns the entire west side. 
Louis: We checked the body there is no list. 
Welsh: Alright everybody's on this. 
Vecchio: Aw come on. I don't want to work with Screwy and Louis. 
Welsh: Half the city is up for grabs right now. Nobody sleeps. 
Vecchio: You find me the doer and you find me the list. Vecchio. Fraser, I'm kinda busy right now. 
Welsh: Or you otherwise occupied Detective? 
Vecchio: Uh, no sir. 
Welsh: Good. 
Welsh: Ready to go? 
Pearce: You sure? You think we can still make it? 
Welsh: Absolutely. 
Pearce: You sure? I thought the curtain was at seven. 
Welsh: We'll take my car. I have a flashing light on top. I'll sing the opening aura on the way. 
[Consulate function] 
Vecchio: This better be an emergency. 
Fraser: Oh, thank goodness. 
Vecchio: It's okay. I got it. I don't know what's in there, I didn't look. I know how you are about your stuff but this better be important. 
Fraser: I can't thank you enough Ray. 
Vecchio: So, what's the emergency. 
Fraser: Well, I've been assigned to escort the daughter of Canada's senior trade negotiator. 
Vecchio: The one in the green dress dancing with the doofus? 
Fraser: He's the American Ambassador's son. 
Vecchio: Looks like a very painful experience. 
Fraser: Well dancing with the Americans often is Ray. Speaking politically of course, not personally. 
Vecchio: Yeah, right. So what was the emergency? 
Fraser: You'll never believe this but I didn't realize this was a formal event. 
Vecchio: You got me off the biggest case of my career to bring you a pair of gloves? 
Fraser: And I can't thank you enough Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm suppose to be on a stake out right now. I gotta tip where I can find Eddie Beets. The guy suspected of offing his boss and trying to take over the entire west side and I'm delivering formal accessories? 
Fraser: Well if it wasn't urgently important I wouldn't have called you. You'll never know how much this means to me Ray. 
Vecchio: You're right. I won't. Uh oh. I know that look. This guys going to want to see my ticket. I'm out of here. 
Fraser: Thanks Ray. Oh uh Ray, could you um... 
Vecchio: I've got to find new friends. 
Ambassador: Your boss at the Consulate said I couldn't miss you. He was right. 
Fraser: Constable Fraser sir, pleased to meet you. 
Ambassador: Pleased to meet you. Well it shouldn't be too tough an assignment eh Constable? 
Fraser: I'll take good care of your daughter sir. 
Ambassador: I wish I had more time to take her around myself. Her mother used to take care of her on these trips. It's been two years and I haven't gotten the hang of it. I guess I'm not much of a substitute. Can I get you anything? 
Fraser: Thank you no sir. I'm on duty. 
Ambassador: So are you up for it? 
Fraser: Well I've drawn up a short itinerary but it would be helpful if I have a a better idea of her particular interests. 
Ambassador: Oh you know, a little sight seeing, shopping. I gave her some money if she needs more make me a call. Just make sure she has a good time and shows up at the ball tomorrow night. Isn't she beautiful. Well, duty calls.. I have to get these Americans to sell less and buy more. 
Fraser: I understand sir. 
Ambassador: You uh take very good care of her. 
Fraser: I will. 
Christina: So, you must be Chicago. 
Fraser: Ah. Constable Fraser, ma'am. And I will be your escort until tomorrow night. Now I've given some thought to the itinerary, but not knowing your tastes - 
Christina: Well, I'm sure whatever you picked will be just fine. I'll be right back. 
Fraser: Well I'll just uh. I'll wait right here. 
Ambassador's Son: She go in there? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ambassador's Son: So. 
Fraser: So. 
Ambassador's Son: So, you like her boyfriend? 
Fraser: Me? No. 
Ambassador's Son: She said she didn't want to dance any more cause her boyfriend might get bent out of shape. 
Fraser: Ah. 
Ambassador's Son: You seen him around here? 
Fraser: Her boyfriend? No. 
Ambassador's Son: You think she was lying to me? 
Fraser: The truth? 
Ambassador's Son: Yeah. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Ambassador's Son: Women can be so cruel. 
Fraser: You know, when I was your age, I couldn't dance very well either. 
Ambassador's Son: Really? 
Fraser: Really. 
You like what, the valet? 
Fraser: Something like that. 
Ambassador's Son: That's cool. 
Fraser: Well thank you. 
Fraser: Good evening Miss. 
Christina: It's gonna be. 
Ambassador's Son: That was a babe. 
Fraser: Well yes. Now that you mention it she does look quite...she...excuse me. 
Fraser: Excuse me. I I'm sorry. I'm just. I'm looking for a ...oh dear. Excuse me. Excuse me. 
Ambassadors Son: She'll never believe it man. The valets a perve. 
[Taxi] 
Gerome: Well, well, well don't we look pretty tonight. 
Christina: Thank you Gerome. Drive. 
Gerome: Where you want to go? 
Christina: What is the wildest club in town? 
Gerome: The wildest club? No, no. No, no you don't want to go there. 
Christina: Yes I do. 
Gerome: You'll love the place. 
[from his taxi] Fraser: Miss Nichols! 
Christina: See you Chicago. 
Fraser: Uh - I need a cab. 
Doorman: Do you work here? 
Gerome: So how come a pretty little thing like yourself is all by her lonesome tonight. 
Christina: Looking for some fun, Gerome. Looking for some fun. 
Fraser: In a hurry to see the sights are you? Well I can understand that. 
Gerome: You know this guy? 
Christina: Go away. Just leave me alone. 
Fraser: I can't do that you see because I have the itinerary. 
Gerome: What is he some kind of nut? 
Christina: Yes. Go faster. 
Gerome: Hey I'm already - 
Christina: Lose him! 
Fraser: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to break the speed limit. 
Taxi Driver: How much? 
Fraser: By as little as possible. 
Taxi Driver: How much money. 
Fraser: Uh - here. 
Taxi Driver: It's red. 
Fraser: It's Canadian. 
Taxi Driver: It's got your picture on it. 
Fraser: No, that's the RCMP musical ride. 
Taxi Driver: It's not a good likeness at all. 
Fraser: Well uh - here. 
Taxi Driver: This guy I know. 
Fraser: I'm afraid there's been some kind of misunderstanding. 
Christina: Why are you doing this to me. 
Fraser: Because I am your escort. Your father has entrusted you into my care. 
Christina: My father doesn't give a damn about me. 
Fraser: Well now that that's not true. As a matter of fact he gave me twenty dollars so I can take you someplace nice. Show it to her please. You see? 
Christina: I don't need his money and I don't need a babysitter. 
Gerome: Hey, I need his money. 
Christina: Here. 
Gerome: Alright. We gone now. Hold on. 
Taxi Driver: I need more too. 
Fraser: Well all I have left is Canadian. 
Taxi Driver: Fine, then I drive thirty per cent slower. 
Fraser: Alright. Just keep it steady. Hold this would you? 
Taxi Driver: Hey what? What the hell are you doing? [he is climbing out of the window onto the roof and then to the roof of Christina's taxi] 
Fraser: Thank you! 
Fraser: Would you consider discussing this over coffee? 
Gerome: This man is seriously crazy. 
Christina: Go away. 
Fraser: You're being a bit childish - 
Christina: Childish? I just turned sixteen years old. Do you know what my father gave me for my birthday? A porcelain doll. 
Fraser: How nice. 
Christina: Do I look like I play with dolls? 
Gerome: Huh uh, you look very fine. 
Christina: Thank you. 
Fraser: You know you really should take this up with your father cause I'm sure he'd understand you have some very valid concerns. 
Christina: You want to hear my concern Chicago? 
Fraser: Well I'm not sure this is the most appropriate venue. 
Gerome: Well I want to hear it. 
Christina: Ok. Here's one. When do I get my own life. When do I get to do what I want to do. When do I get to stop being the perfect little princess and go -- skinny dipping. 
Gerome: Public pool, coming up. 
Fraser: You! Keep driving. 
Christina: I want to go out all night and come home when the sun comes up and I want to fall in love with someone I just met and I want to kiss someone who's not related to me. 
Gerome: I could pull over right here. 
Fraser: Keep driving. 
Christina: I want to do all these things I've never done before and I want to do them tonight. 
Fraser: Well, you know there is the most fantastic exhibit at the uh -- Museum of Science. 
Christina: U-turn. 
Fraser: The Textile Museum? 
Christina: Alright. I'll make you a deal. We go one place I choose. Then I'll go back to the hotel. 
Fraser: Well now I'm afraid I can't agree to that. 
Christina: Alright where's the pool. 
Fraser: One place and that's it? 
Christina: We got a deal or you want to see my backstroke? 
Fraser: Alright, we got a deal. 
Gerome: Here we are. 
Fraser: Ohhhh dear. [Gerome stops, Fraser rolls off taking the taxi sign with him, but his has is in the road...] 
Fraser: Let me get that. [opens her door. She heads for the line of people] 
Gerome: You're one really freaky you know that? You fit right into that place. 
Fraser: Ah! A costume party is it? Sounds like good clean fun. [uh huh. It's an S&M Club] 
[From their cars, they are staking out the club] 
Louis: Unit five in position. 
Voice 1: Unit four in position. 
Voice 2: Unit two in position. 
Vecchio: Nobody moves till I give the word. 
Huey: There's no sign of Beets. 
Vecchio: How can you see anything. I can't even see the hand in front of my face. 
Huey: I hope we're not wasting our time. 
Louis: My source says he'll be here, he'll be here. 
Vecchio: Yeah, the only problem is I'll be dead by then from second hand smoke. God forbid you should consider someone else's lungs. [Louis lights up a cigarrette] 
How do you put up with this guy? [Huey lights up a cigar] Oh great. 
[inside the club] 
Fraser: Good evening. 
Dentist: I've been bad. I've been very bad. Please punish me. 
Fraser: There's nothing so bad that it can't be forgiven, son. 
[to the bartender] 
Christina: Long Island Ice Tea and keep em coming. 
Bartender: How old are you? 
Christina: How old do I look? 
Bartender: Just the right age. 
Fraser: Excuse me 
[Finds her at the bar] Fraser: Here you are. [to the elderly woman in a sailor hat who winks at him] Hello ma'am. Thank you. [to the bartender] I'm afraid there's been a mistake. There's liquor in this. Quite a large quantity too. 
Christina: Sure. Cheers. 
Fraser: No, no I don't think so. 
Christina: You're such a drag. [she gets up, he goes to follow, 'twin' girls block his path] 
Fraser: Would you uh ... 
Twins: Anytime. 
[Christina goes into the ladies room, Fraser is looking around the club for her] 
Fraser: Have you seen a ... oh. Oh. [just realizes this isn't a costume party when he finds a half clad 'Mountie'] 
Eddie: Look what you did to my eye. Not smart. You are one stupid girl. Tell me something. What you plan on doing with it huh? 
Janice: What do you want Eddie, huh? 
Eddie: You don't know what you do to me. Nobody ever takes from me. 
Janice: I'm a giver Eddie. [pops him on the head then goes into the ladies room looking for an exit and slips the matchbook into Christina's purse] 
Janice: Eddie. 
Eddie: Yeah. 
Janice: Eddie! Stay away from me you son of a bitch. 
Eddie: You're dead Janice. You know how long you have to live? Start counting honey. 
Christina: Chicago! 
Eddie: Come on Janice. 
[into his sleeve] Mountie/cop: Something's going down. 
Vecchio: Let's go! 
Louis: We're moving in. 
[with knife in hand and Janice in the other] Eddie: You used to have such a pretty face. [Fraser takes the knife] 
Fraser: Would anyone here happen to have a pair of handcuffs? [everyone offers] Thank you. [to Christina] Now lets get you out of here. 
Vecchio: This is a raid. Nobody move. This is a raid. 
Fraser: Sorry. Excuse me. 
Mountie/cop: Freeze, Red, you're under arrest. 
Vecchio: Who you got? 
Fraser: Hello Ray. 
Vecchio: Fraser! 
[Eddie escapes] 
Fraser: Ray! Ray! There's a very simple explanation for all of this. 
Vecchio: Don't talk to me alright? I don't even know you. 
Dentist: These aren't tight enough. 
Vecchio: Get him out of her alright? Get out of my face. 
Dentist: Ow! 
[letting everyone get in the paddy wagon ahead of him] Fraser: After you ma'am. Oh please, after you. 
[alley behind the club] 
Eddie: I'm beginning to reassess our relationship. 
Janice: Please. Please. Don't. Don't Eddie. Eddie. 
Eddie: Where are the matches honey. 
Janice: I dropped them, I dropped them. 
Eddie: You lied to me. 
Janice: No. 
Eddie: You never used to lie to me. 
Janice: I swear I dropped em. She has em. The girl. 
Eddie: Show me. 
Janice: That one. Her. 
Eddie: The little one. 
Fraser: After you ma'am. After you sir. After you. 
Vecchio: Will you get in the truck. Just get in there ok? 
Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray. After you. Hello everyone. How are you? 
[27th precinct] 
Louis: Name? 
Dominatrix: Madame DeFarge 
Louis: D-A-F-A- 
Huey: Louis! [shakes head no] 
Louis: Name. 
Dominatrix: Marat Sade. 
Dentist: You sure we haven't met somewhere before? 
Huey: I'm sure. 
Dentist: Because you look very familiar. 
Huey: You look at this picture and tell me if you saw this man at the club. 
Welsh: Gentlemen. Would you join me? [in his office] You have no idea if Eddie Beets was even at the club. 
Louis: We were working on a tip from a very reliable source, sir. 
Huey: We're squeezing the patrons sir, but most of them won't even give us their real name. 
Louis: Sir this club is a very well known hang out for the people who run in these circles. If there is a list which I sincerely doubt and a person wanted to sell it or parlay it, this is the place to go. 
Welsh: So you are telling me these are all underworld figures we have out here? 
Louis: Well they're mostly hanger on's and wanna be's sir. 
Huey: This was a very reliable source sir. 
Louis: Very reliable. 
Welsh: Look Detective, let's say the list exists. If Eddie Beets has it, he controls everything coming to the westside. Now Detective Gardino if you've just seized control of the entire westside would your first act be to go dancing in leather underwear? 
Vecchio: Perhaps Detective Gardino's the wrong person to ask sir. 
Welsh: Did you search Beet's apartment? 
Huey: Yes sir. 
Louis: Yeah - head to toe. There's no list. 
Welsh: Good. Do it again. 
Louis: What? Are you serious? 
Welsh: And get these perverts out of my squad room. 
Vecchio: Uh, a moment of your time sir. Of a personal nature. 
Welsh: If this has to do with people smoking in the men's room, I don't want to hear it. 
Vecchio: It's a little more delicate than that sir. You see I have this friend who through unfortunate set of circumstances happened to be in the club at the time of the raid. 
Welsh: And you want to bounce him. May I ask who this friend is? (Fraser waves) Really. 
Vecchio: Ah, yes sir. 
Welsh: Who's the girl with him. 
Vecchio: The daughter of a Canadian Diplomat. 
Welsh: No kidding. 
[knock, knock, knock] 
Ambassador: I'm looking for Lt. Welsh. 
Ambassador: You have no idea. You have no idea what could have happened to you. 
Christina: I'm okay dad. 
Ambassador: You're okay? Then whi did I leave the American Commercial Attache sitting in a restaurant to come down to a police department to get you out. I'm surprised the damn press isn't here yet. 
Fraser: Excuse me, Mr. Nichols. 
Ambassador: If I have anything to say to you, Constable, you'll hear it from your supervising officer after he hears about it from his commanding officer. And trust me, you will hear. 
Fraser: This is a copy of my report sir, stating that my gross negligent endangered the security of your daughter. 
Ambassador: You're damned right it did. 
Fraser: Miss Nichols just wanted to see some of the cities night life. If I'd done my homework I would have know that club was completely inappropriate and I never would have taken her there. 
Ambassador: So this was your idea. 
Fraser: I'm truly sorry for the anxiety this must have caused you sir. 
Ambassador: Caused me? What about her. My daughter is fifteen years old my god man, did you see the people in there? 
Christina: I'm sixteen. I turned sixteen two months ago daddy. 
Ambassador: I know sweetie, I know. It's just that my mind has been filled with so much junk from these trade talks. I come here. I find you. What would your mother say if she saw you in these clothes. 
Christina: Can you take me back to the hotel please. 
Ambassador: I'll take you. I just need to make a phone call. I don't know the number the poor man is sitting in the restaurant. 
Christina: I can take a cab. 
Ambassador: We'll just be there for a few minutes. 
Christina: I'm not a child. I have taken a cab before. 
Fraser: I'll make sure she gets home, sir. 
Ambassador: I can trust you to do that? 
Fraser: You have my word. 
Ambassador: Okay, I'll see you at the ball, alright? We'll talk Damn. I I um, need my jacket. Love you. 
Ambassador: Make sure. 
Fraser: I will sir. 
Christina: Thanks a lot. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Christina: Why didn't you tell him it was my idea. 
Fraser: Well, I - I was just trying to - 
Christina: Protect me? I am so sick of everyone trying to protect me from living my life. 
Fraser: Excuse me, ma'am. 
[hotel] 
Christina: You're walking me right to my door? 
Fraser: Well I promised your father I'd see you home safely. 
Christina: I bet you always do what ever you're told don't you. 
Fraser: Actually, no. 
Christina: Really? I do. I always do what I've been told to do. 
Fraser: You don't seem very happy about that. 
Christina: Like I have a choice. 
Fraser: You know Christina, you may not believe this but weather you're sixteen or sixty, no one can make you do anything you don't want to do. Ultimately no matter what the situation the choice is always in your hands. You just think it isn't. 
Christina: Okay, maybe you're right. It's time I made a decision. Here it is. You know that ball my father really wants me to go to tomorrow night? 
Fraser: Uh huh. 
Christina: I'm not going. 
Fraser: Well there. A decision. Well. As for tonight? 
Christina: Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. 
Fraser: You'll be alright by yourself? 
Christina: I've been left in hotel rooms all over the world, Chicago. It's the one thing I know how to do. Goodnight. 
[hotel room] 
Mrs. McGuffy: I'll be finished in a wink darling. 
Christina: Oh no trouble. [cleans out purse, including matchbook] 
Mrs. McGuffy: Goodnight then. 
[on her way out the door ] Christina: Goodnight. [Mrs. McGuffy cleans up and throws matchbook away] 
[Fraser gets into elevator with small boy who has pushed all the buttons] 
Fraser: Ah. Thank you. 
[Mrs. McGuffy throws trash and matches down trash shoot to basement where janitor picks them up] 
HouseKeeper: Goodnight Mrs. McGuffy. 
Mrs. McGuffy: Goodnight Deary. 
[Christina, followed by Eddie, gets on a tour bus, the janitor tosses matchbook out his car window and a little girl picks them up] 
[spotting Christina] Fraser: Christina? 
Mother: Ok, ready. Let's go. Let mommy just open the door. 
[Eddie's apartment] 
Louis: Hey, you see this guys bathroom? Got a marble toilet seat. 
Huey: Italian marble huh? For a psycho Eddie's got good taste. 
Louis: Yeah but in the winter, isn't it a bit cold? 
Vecchio: Oh hello boys. Ain't it past your bedtime? 
Huey: There's no list Vecchio. You wasted my evening. 
Louis: Yeah, you wasted our evening. 
Vecchio: Well, I don't think I wasted your entire evening. Chucky Cheese is open till midnight isn't it? 
[Duck Boys leave and Ray searches around. Janice shows up, loading her purse with watches] 
Vecchio: Mistake. That was platinum. 
Janice: Oh really. So how much is it worth? 
Vecchio: About six months. 
Janice: Hey come on. I'm his sister. 
Vecchio: Dump it out. Come on empty it. Sister huh? 
Janice: Okay, I'm not his sister. I'm his housekeeper. 
Vecchio: Done a fine job of tidying up. 
Janice: Thank you. 
Vecchio: Got a license Hazel? 
Janice: Oh god, you know what? I left it in my apron. 
Vecchio: I hate when that happens. Get it out. [she hits him in the head with a bottle, steals his watch and leaves] 
[tour bus chased by the Mountie] 
Bus Tour: Coming up on your left Chicago's famous Water Tower. Built in 1869 and one of the only buildings to survive the great fires of 1871 which destroyed four square miles of Chicago killing over three hundred and leaving ninety thousand homeless...now toward...Grant Park. If you look quickly to your right you might catch a glimpse of the State of Illinois center... 
Christina: What are you looking for? 
Cute Tourist: The Tower Water 
Christina: Oh we just past the Tower Water. 
Christina: Chicago, born and raised. 
Cute Tourist: Chicago, My kind of town. 
Christina: You need some help. 
Cute Tourist: Would you? 
Christina: Yeah! 
[Fraser stops running, turns around and jumps on the front of the truck behind it] 
Fraser: Could you follow that bus please? Thank you. 
Christina: You want to hear something funny? I knew I was going to meet someone like you tonight. 
Cute Tourist: Latvian? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Cute Tourist: Is it so? 
Bus Tour: ...thank you for traveling with Windy City Tour. 
Cute Tourist: It was uh, very nice meeting you. I must go. [leaves the bus, so does Christina and Eddie...Fraser jumps onto the bus too late] 
[to the couple making out on bus]Fraser: Please continue. 
Mother [who notices the matchbook and tosses them out the window]: Don't put those in your mouth honey. Where'd you get those? Huh? [Where a young man steps on them and carries them off with him...past Christina. He goes into the apartment store...so does Christina...and Eddie] 
Fraser: Christina! 
[how he figures out where she went is beyond me, but is there in time to see her shoplift] 
Fraser: Excuse me. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. 
Fraser: Hello. 
Christina: What are you following me? 
Fraser: I think they're too expensive. 
Christina: What? 
Fraser: Those earrings you were thinking about. 
Christina: How would you know. 
Fraser: Well I wouldn't but I just noticed those two girls decided not to buy them so I guess they thought they cost too much. I'm not sure he would agree though. I have a feeling he's interested in them because he's been watching those two girls very closely as a matter of fact, I think he's going to ask them. 
Christina: Ask them what? 
Fraser: If they're worth the price. 
Christina: I thought I had to make these decisions for myself. 
Fraser: And so you do. Will you excuse me. I saw something over there that Diefenbaker might like. 
Fraser: Excuse me, I'm looking for something unusual for my wolf. 
Fraser: Aren't just...I didn't think um.... 
Clerk [showing him a bra]: Too small? 
[Christina knocks over a display, rescuing Fraser from talking to the clerk] Fraser: Oh dear. 
Christina: I'm really sorry. 
Fraser: It's alright. I'll just quickly grab these things. 
Clerk: Let me help you. 
Fraser: Uh, Chris--oh dear...um...will you excuse me. 
Christina: Uh, yeah. 
Security: Stop right there! [No, not the shoplifting girls but the guy with the matches] No smoking in the store. [he now has the matchbook] Good night ladies. 
Fraser: Excuse me you wouldn't have seen uh.... 
[in elevator]Eddie: Give it to me! 
Christina: Leave me alone. Stop it. 
Eddie: Shut up. 
[Fraser up the escalator] 
Fraser: Excuse me sir. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me ma'am. 
Fraser: Pardon me.... 
[Eddie dumps her purse. Christina on the floor crying. Threatens her with a knife as elevator now goes down. Fraser uses a tobagan to go quickly down escalator] 
Eddie: Okay, get up. 
Christina: Stop it. Help. 
Eddie: Where the hell is it? 
Fraser: Excuse me. 
Eddie: What have you done with it! [elevator opens, she scratches him and runs. he catches her, sees Fraser and throws her over the rail where she hangs onto the edge. Fraser recues her, letting Eddie get away. The crowd cheers] 
[hotel] 
Vecchio: All I'm saying is it makes me look like an idiot. Here I am looking all over town for Eddie Beets and the whole time you know where he is. 
Fraser: What's wrong with your head. 
Vecchio: There's nothing wrong with my head. Just tell me about Beets. 
Fraser: He didn't say anything else to you on the elevator? He just took your purse? 
Christina: If he'd told me what he wanted I would have given it to him. I can't find my key. Did you see it in the car? 
Mrs. McGuffy: I'll get it for you deary. 
Fraser: Well thank you kindly ma'am. You're sure this is the purse you had at the club? 
Christina: Yes. 
[looks thru purse] Vecchio: You see anything that looks like a list? You know something small. Like a black book or a computer disk? 
Christina: I dumped everything out right there. If it's not there, I don't have it. 
Machine: You have one new message. 
Ambassidor: Hi Christina it's dad. I guess you're asleep. I knocked on your door before but you didn't answer. Anyway, get your rest, we have a big event tomorrow night. I think the Ambassador's son has taken a shine to you. Love you. 
Fraser: I don't suppose there was pockets in that dress that you...oh I'm sorry. 
Christina: Here. Check it all you want. There's no little black book no list. Nothing. You know I really wish everybody would stop making such a big deal about this. Maybe he just has a thing about purses. How am I suppose to know. Look, I don't know what's going on. I don't know if this Eddie guy did want something from me or if he didn't. The point is he didn't get anything because I didn't have anything to give him. He has no reason to come after me again. 
Fraser: Still. Just to be safe. 
Christina: Oh, Chicago. I've spent my whole life being safe. For once in my life I want to do what I want to do. And what I want to do is go to sleep. 
Christina: This is really unfair. 
[27th precinct] 
Elaine: You know I could have been on a date when you called. I do have a life you know. 
Fraser: We appreciate you coming in Elaine. 
Vecchio: Did they photograph everyone we brought in? 
Elaine: Booked and released. I can't believe you actually charged those people. 
Vecchio: Gotta maintain the public morals Elaine. 
Fraser: You still think the club is the connection? 
Vecchio: Yeah. Somehow Miss Muffet here got a hold of something Eddie wants. The only place they could have crossed paths was at the club. 
Elaine: Eddie was in there. I think someone would have noticed. 
Vecchio: It's not him I'm looking for. I'm looking for his sister. I caught her snagging jewelry from his apartment. If she was ripping him off then she probably ripped him off before. 
Elaine: Nice family. 
Vecchio: Yeah. She also claims to be his housekeeper, but I have reason to doubt her credentials. Not here. 
Vecchio: Her jaw was smaller. 
Elaine: Someone asked me out. This man has been after me for months and I said no I want to get my sleep. Next time I'm going to say yes. I mean, you can't keep someone waiting forever now can you? 
Fraser: Well no. that would be unfair. 
Vecchio: You want to concentrate here Elaine? Every sketch you do looks like Fraser in drag. 
Christina: You know, Chicago, I am having such a great time. You really should consider doing this tour thing professionally. [Fraser shows her the sketch he just did with his eyes closed] 
Christina: That's the woman in the bathroom. 
[from Elaine's computer drawing] Vecchio: That's her. All she needs is a name and this little piggy does hard time. 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: Yeah and if she's Eddies sister, I'm starting to understand how he grew up to be a psychopath. 
Fraser: You know I could be wrong but I sense something very personal in your motivation. 
Vecchio: Nothing personal Fraser, she's just the kind of woman I'd like to see spend the rest of her life behind bars. 
Fraser: Do you have the time Ray? 
Vecchio: No. 
Fraser: Weren't you wearing a watch earlier? 
Vecchio: No. 
[sitting at outdoor cafe] Security: So I jump on a toboggan, race down the escalator and save the girls life. 
Woman: Wow. I never realized department security could be so-- 
Security: Let me fix this. [uses matches under the wobbly leg] 
[S&M Club] 
[thru a bull horn] Vecchio: Alright we're back. This is a raid. [greeted with applause] 
Fraser: And this is for your own good. [handcuffs Christina then to woman] Oh uh thank you for the loan. 
Woman: Anything else you need, just ask. 
Fraser: Hello. Nice to see you again. Beautiful stitching. How you been. 
Vecchio: Okay, we need some information. You're all grownups here you know how this works. We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. 
Dentist: The hard way, do it the hard way. 
Vecchio: Shut up. Now I don't want to drag everyone downtown. I don't want to get rough. 
Dentist: Get rough! Get rough! 
Vecchio: Will you stop that. 
Dominatrix: Like to see him try that with me. 
Vecchio: I said shut up. 
Dentist: He's all talk and no action. 
Fraser: Look, I'm not gonna warn you again. 
Dentist: See? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. 
Dominatrix: It's pathetic. 
Vecchio: Alright Miss Nogahide, it's you and me outside. 
Dominatrix: Touch me and I sue you blind. 
Vecchio: Call your attorney. 
Dominatrix: I am an attorney. Half the people here are attorneys. 
Dentist: I'm a dentist. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, big surprise. 
Fraser: Fraser, Fraser. Can I have a word with you? I think if we were to be nice to these people then they would cooperate. Vecchio: Nice? You cannot be nice to these people. 
Cuff girl: Are those real? [necklace] 
Christina: Uh, yeah. Uh this? Yeah. 
Cuff girl: so how much are they worth? 
Fraser: What I mean ray is if you treat people with respect more often than not they'll respond accordingly. 
Vecchio: You know there's a certain point you have to stop calling yourself a cop. 
Bartender: He's right you know. 
Vecchio: What do you know. 
Bartender: I know that people are people no matter how much leather they wear. 
Vecchio: Oh please. I'm gonna go throw up some place. 
Fraser: It's at least worth a try isn't it? 
Vecchio: alright. 
Vecchio: I am asking you for your help. 
Dominatrix: Eat glass. 
Vecchio: Alright, that's it. 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm talking to you one human being to another. 
Dominatrix: You have a very high opinion of yourself. 
Fraser: Madame DeFare, Detective Vecchio and I are on the trail of a particularly brutal killer and we'd be most appreciative of any assistance you could give us. 
Dominatrix: Make him say please. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm not gonna say it. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: No. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: No. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Pleeze. 
Dominatrix: Pretty please. 
Vecchio: That's it. 
Fraser: You know he really is trying his very best. 
Dominatrix: Alright. Alright. Show me the photographs. Janice Deluca. 
Vecchio: Where does she live? 
Dominatrix: With her grandmother. 
Fraser: We appreciate your assistance and I would just like to thank eve-- [sees Christina is gone again] 
[street] 
Fraser: You really have to stop this. You know I ran away once when I was your age. 
Christina: Tell me another one. 
Fraser: No, I did. In my case it was different. I thought I'd done something that no one could forgive. It didn't take long for my father to find me. But you know, instead of lecturing me, he offered me some food and some money. He said I could keep running if I wanted to but that I would always feel ashamed. On the other hand, if I went back and faced the consequewnces, I would be a man and everyone would know it without me having to tell them. 
Chistina: So what happened? 
Fraser: Oh, I took the money and ran. No. I went back, but it wasn't easy. Of course, my situation was different that yours. I was running away from my problems, not at all like you. 
Christina: What were you running away from? 
Fraser: Oh, it was a very tortured scenario. It invlolved a goldmine, a boomerang and a tank full of gasoline. It's all ancient history though. 
[from Riv] 
Elaine: Eddie was booked three months ago but the charges wouldn't stick. Meantime he had someone come bail him out in the middle of the night. You want a name? 
Vecchio: Janice Deluca? 
Eee: If you knew why did you ask. 
Vecchio: What's in her jacket? 
Eee: Uh, Priors for posession and assault. Hmmm, I bet you didn't know this. 
Vecchio: Try me. 
Eee: She's Frank Collebis' girlfriend. At least she was until he took a knife in the back last night. 
Vecchio: And she bailed out Eddie in the middle of the night? Sounds very cozy. 
Fraser: You have an address Elaine? 
Eee: Yeah. 3-6-7 North Winchester near Chicago Ave. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Girl [leaves with Security]: Yeah, well maybe just for a coffee. 
Woman: The candle went out. 
Man: I'll get it. [takes matchbook from under the table leg] 
Woman: I love candles. They're so...hot. 
[Eddie's apartment] 
Eddie: It's not enough. You have to take everything I own but you have to break my heart too? 
Janice: Listen we can work this out, ok? 
Eddie: the girl don't have it Janice. Which means you do. 
Janice: No, Eddie, I swear to God I put it in her purse. In the bathroom. 
Eddie: Yeah. You know what I think honey? I think that I'm gonna enjoy this.[takes her upstairs] 
Vecchio: Well it looks like the three bears got here before we did. 
Fraser: Stay here.[he moves into the room] Stay by the door. I said, don't move. 
Christina: Alright. 
[upstairs Eddie has hand over Janices mouth. Christina finds one shoe on stair and goes up it in search of the other] 
Vecchio: How long can a fish live in that much water? 
Fraser: He's still here. Christina. 
[Janice bites Eddie as he locks the door. Christina hits him, knocking him into Janice who knifes him.] 
Janice: My God. You killed him! 
Christina: I what? 
Janice: He's dead. You killed him. 
[Fraser out the window, Ray shoots the lock. Christina runs off down the street. Frasher crashes thru the skylight, Ray crashes thru door, Janice follows Christina. Fraser and Ray onto street looking for Christina] 
Christina: Can you help me please? Please? 
Lady of Night: Why don't you get your own trix honey. 
Man: Need help darling? Why don't you come with Thomas. 
Christina: No. 
Christina: Chicago! 
Janice: I don't think you want to be out here on your own. Okay? 
Vecchio: Why the hell would she run? 
Fraser: She's afraid Ray. 
Vecchio: It doesn't make any sense. 
Fraser: Fear never does. 
Janice: I don't have any kleenex. 
Christina: That's okay. God is he really dead? 
Janice: Yeah. Look Eddie was a real son-of-a-bitch. He desearved worst. Being his girlfriend I know this. Okay, you go to the cops- 
Christina: Oh my God. my father! 
Janice: You'll get a slick lawyer. I'm sure he can get you manslaughter. 
Christina: Really, he tried to kill me. It was self-defense. 
Janice: Did he have a knife on you? Did he have a gun at your head? 
Christina: No but- 
Janice: Did he have any kind of weapon at all? 
Christina: No. 
Janice: Well then you can't prove that he was going to do anything other than slap you around. 
Christina: What are you talking about? 
Janice: Okay, you kill a guy because he's slapping you around that's manslaughter. Okay, look, why don't you call your dad. 
Christina: No, no, I can't. I can't. 
Janice: okay, okay, maybe it'll be okay. 
Christina: How? 
Janice: One thing I know is the cops. Now if you give them something, they'll give you something. 
Christina: What do I have to give them? 
Janice: Frankie's list. The match book. You give them that and I'll bet they'll cut you a break. 
Christina: Matchbook? This is all about a stupic matchbook? 
Janice: Don't be stupid, this is about power. Whoever has that list can name their price. Now listen, do you know where it is? Do you know anything? Come on, do you remember? 
Christina: Kleenex. There was a matchbook in the kleenex. When I dumped out my purse at the hotel. 
Janice: Well then we're okay. Come on. Taxi! 
Gerome: Hey how you doing young lady, you having a good time? 
Ray [spots her]: Heads up. 
Taxi Driver[spots Fraser]: Oh no, not again. 
Fraser: Taxi! 
Taxi Driver: No way. [picks up the guy with matchbook and the 'candle' girl] 
Man: The nearest hotel. Quickly. 
Taxi Driver: Do you have a lite? Jeeze, I've got to cut down. Here. Thanks. 
Vecchio: How do you know they're going to the hotel? 
Fraser: Because that's where the list is. 
Vecchio: We searched the entire room. 
Fraser: If it was at the club, janice would have gone back fro it. Eddie was after the purse and Christina dumped the purse out in her hotel room. It's the only place it could be. 
Vecchio: It's not there. 
Fraser: Not now but it was and if Eddie didn't take it and Janice didn['t take it then somebody else must have taken it. 
Vecchio: There's no one else. We're all out of bad guys. 
Fraser: Tissues, Ray. She had tissues in her purse. She wiped her lipstick off with it when I walked her to her room. Where were the tissues? 
Vecchio: We're hunting tissues now? 
[room] 
Christina: It's not here. 
[in hall to housekeeper] 
Woman: Do you have any candles? 
Christina: How did you get these? [meaning her keys] 
Janice: Look kid, I am losing my patience where is it! You have one chance to live. Come on. 
Christina: Housekeeper. The housekeeper she was cleaning my room. 
Janice: Okay, okay, come on. 
Fraser: Ah. [to the same kid in the same elevator pushing the same buttons] 
[hall] 
Janice: Hey. 
Housekeeper: what? 
Janice: What does this go to? 
Housekeeper: What? 
Janice: The trash, where dies it go. 
Housekeeper: To the basement. 
Janice: Come on. Move it. 
Woman: Thanks for the candle. 
Houskeeper: No trouble at all. 
Fraser: There's nothing here. The housekeeper. 
Vecchio: Hey Fraser. 
Fraser: Now where did they go? 
Housekeeper: The basement? 
Vecchio: Does the public elevators go down there? 
Housekeeper: No, just this one. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Fraser: No, we are eighteen floors up. 
Fraser: Just hold your elbows out at the side, it'll slow your descent. 
Vecchio: My descent! Fraser, you cannot go down there without back up. Ah, the most annoying man in the world. [looks into the shoot then goes in.] 
Vecchio: Ahhhh! I'm stuck. 
[basement] 
Christina: I can't find them. 
Janice: Well just keep looking. 
Fraser: You are under arr-oh dear.[bang, bang] 
[to guy who stuffed in a large box just moments before] Vecchio: Pull it. Pull it. That's my foot. Pull it. Pull it. Ah. Oh-jeeze. Thank you very much. 
[basement] 
Fraser: Run. 
Janice: Where are the matches? 
Fraser: I have no idea. 
Janice: I don't want that answer, I want to know where they are. 
Fraser: Well you're really talking to the wrong person. 
Janice: Hear that little girl? Your little red friend here is dead. 
Fraser: She doesn't know where they are either. 
Janice: I have no further use for you. 
Christina: You can't hurt him. 
Fraser: Run. 
Christina: No. 
Janice: Come here. 
Fraser: I said run. 
Christina: You told me to stop running. 
Fraser: Yes but I was talking about running away from the problems with your father. This is about running away from somebody who might probably will shoot you. That is an entirely different thing. 
Christina: I did this. This is my problem and I'm not running. 
Janice: You want to die kid? 
Fraser: You can't shoot her. 
Janice: Watch me. 
Fraser: Oh no, that's a 9mm Baretta. It caries a 15 round clip. You've already shot 14 times. 
Janice: No. 
Fraser: No, you have honestly. Follow this through. Six in the incenarary, seven in the corridors, one just- 
Janice: Alright! Alright! 
Fraser: What this basically means is you have one bullet left and then you're defenseless. Now I don't think you can aford to use it on her so she's gonna walk away now. 
Christina: No I'm not. 
Fraser: Have you ever said something you truly regretted? 
Christina: I can't leave you here. [to Janice] I'll trade you for him. [pretending she has the matchbook] 
Janice: Throw em over here. 
Christina: What am I stupid? 
Janice: I said throw em over here kid. Now. 
Fraser: Well I don't think she likes being called kid. 
Christina: Alright, you let him walk away or I eat it. 
Janice: What? 
Fraser: Would you please run? 
Christina: Can't. too scared. Choose. 
Janice: Throw or I shoot. 
Christina: Fine, I'm eating it. 
Janice: You put that in your mouth and he's dead. 
Christina: Chicago? What do I do? 
Fraser: Oh go ahead and eat it. 
Fraser: Nice bluff. 
Christina: Thank you. 
Janice: Goodbye Red. 
Vecchio: Ohhhhh! [lands in the trash, thus distracting Janice long enough for Fraser to deal with her] 
Fraser: Perfect taticle delay Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, Thank you very much Fraser. [picks matchbook off of his suit and tosses it toward the flames. Fraser manages to snag em] 
Fraser: The list. 
[outside Christina's room] 
Christina: Good night. 
Fraser: Good night Ray. 
Vecchio: Good night Benny. 
Fraser: Ma'am. 
Fraser: So where's my watch. 
Christina: Uh, goodnight Chicago. 
Fraser: Goodnight. Oh you know I never asked you. Why do you call me Chicago? 
Christina: Oh well, there's somebody to babysit me in each city and it's a lot easier than remembering names. 
Fraser: Ah. Goodnight. 
Christina: Night. [Fraser looks exhausted as he sits outside her room] 
[Dreaming] Fraser: Dief, no. No, Dief. 
Christina: Hi. 
Fraser: Oh. What am I uh...oh! [he is on the couch, he looks under the blanket and finds he is out of uniform] 
[holding up clean uniform] Christina: Perfect staff they got here. Come on or we're gonna be late. You don't expect me to go to the ball without an escort do you? 
Fraser: Well I'd love to but I think if I showed up your father would have me cashiered. 
Christina: We've all got choices to make Fraser. 
[at Ball] 
Christina: Coming? 
Fraser: Go ahead. 
Ambassador: Look. You look just like your mother. May I have the honor? 
Pearce: Where'd you learn to dance like that? 
Welsh: It's all part of this job. 
Louis: It's completely unfair. We make one mistake and we're on security detail. 
Huey: Louis. Did I tell you to open your big mouth? Did I tell you to swear on your honor the matches didn't exist? 
Louis: At least I had a good suit. 
Huey: You own that? 
Louis: What? You think they rent things like this? 
Huey: I think that I don't want to stand next to you. 
Lady: Like your suit. 
Louis: Thanks, ma'am. 
Ambassador: The American Ambassador's son has been waiting to dance with you all night. I told him to bug off. You had a boyfriend. 
Christina: Oh well it's okay. I've actually been looking forward to dancing with him. 
[just arrived] Vecchio: Hey. 
Fraser: Hey! 
Vecchio: So Welsh finally gives me the day off for solving the biggest case in my career and I'm delivering casual wear. 
Fraser: I'm confused Ray. I didn't call you. 
Vecchio: Aw put it on, I'm taking you out. We're celebrating. 
Fraser: All right. 
Vecchio: So everything worked out with Miss Muffet? 
Fraser: Oh I hope so. 
Vecchio: She gonna run away again? 
Fraser: Oh probably. But you know sometimes if you stand still the world comes to you. 
Ambassador: There he is. I promised the Lapian Ambassador I'd spend sometime with him tonight. 
Christina: Him? [its the cute tourist!] 
Ambassador: Nope. It's just you and me tonight kiddo. 
Christina: No. I mean we could go out with them - uh, him. 
Ambassador: I couldn't ask you to do that. 
Christina: Ask me. 
Ambassador: No sweetie. We haven't seen each other at all. I haven't spent any time with you. I want to be with you. I wanna spend time with you. 
Christina: Dad, I understand that sometimes I'm gonna need to do stuff like this. You know. It's something I'm going to accept. 
Ambassador: That's okay. 
Vecchio: I'll get the car.

End of Chicago Holiday
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A Cop, A Mountie and A Baby

Vinnie: What you doing? 
Louise: I need some stuff for Jamie. 
Vinnie: What stuff. 
Louise: Milk. 
Vinnie: You got milk. 
Louise: And diapers, okay? He ran out. 
Vinnie: No he didn't. what are you doing Louise? You trying to get me killed? 
Louise: Please. I just I need to go out for a little while. 
Vinnie: And I told you no. I need you here. I need your 
Louise: I hate you for doing this to us, Vinnie. I swear to God I hate you. 
Vinnie: Please Louise real good. Now you want to shut off the water works? 
*** 
Claude: Had a date last night Vinnie. What happened. 
Vinnie: I'm getting the money, I just don't have it yet. 
Claude: Break his legs. 
Vinnie: No! I'll get the money! Claude, I swear I'll have it tomorrow man! 
Claude: Vinnie, let's be honest with ourselves. A little punk like you will never have ten grand. Shouldn't have been at that crap table in the first place. So learn your lesson and take it like a man. 
Vinnie: No Claude! I could get it. The envelope man. On the TV. Check the envelope, you'll see. 
Claude: The envelope. So this is how you're going to pay me back. You're going to use your kid. Vinnie, I was feeling sorry for you. Now I'm not. So. Tomorrow you bring me the money or you're dead. 
*** 
Vinnie: Louise. Louise. Damn it, Louise. 
*** 
Louise: The Mountie. Have you guys seen the Mountie? 
#1: You have an appointment? 
Louise: Where is he? 
#2: Try the coffee shop. 
Louise: Okay. 
*** 
Vecchio: I'm not talking just about a hair cut here Fraser, I'm talking about a change in lifestyle. 
Fraser: There's something wrong with your life Ray? 
Vecchio: No, there's something wrong with my hair and that reflects on my life. Your hair is who you are, Fraser. It makes a statement. 
Fraser: Oh, I see. 
Waitress: More coffee? 
Fraser: Please. 
*** 
Fraser: What does it say? 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Your hair. What does it say? 
Vecchio: At the moment? 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Vecchio: Well let's see. It's a straight and slicked back so I guess it's got that 'mess with me and you're dead' style. Good for the job. The contouring around the ears? That's unexpected. That says 'watch out, this guy might be dangerous.' And then the feathering around the back? Well, that's a not to the female demographic. So what's it saying? It's saying 'deadly and dangerous but not afraid to cry. 
Fraser: Really? What does my hair say? 
Vecchio: Oh that's not hair, Fraser, that's a pelt. 
Fraser: Oh. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you kindly. 
*** 
Vecchio: You know I just have this feeling that something-- 
Fraser: Pardon me. Oh sir, uh... 
Fraser: It's to be expected Ray. I mean, as a man ages... 
Vecchio: So what are you saying. You saying I'm thinning? 
Fraser: No, no, no. I'm not saying you're thinning. 
Vecchio: You want to see thinning? I'm gonna show you thinning. 
*** 
Vecchio: Hey there, you need a hand? 
Girl: That's okay sir. 
Vecchio: It's gone Fraser. 
Fraser: What's gone Ray? 
Vecchio: That thing that je ne sais quoi. 
Fraser: It's just a bald spot Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh two minutes ago I'm thinning, now it's a bald spot. 
Fraser: I'm sorry Ray, but I thought you realized. 
Vecchio: Where? Where? At the back? Is it bad? How bad...Fraser, there's a baby in my car. 
Fraser: Yes, there is, Ray. There certainly is. 
*** 
Waitress: I mean, call me old fashion but I think there's nothing as attractive as a man with baby formula on his sleeve. 
Vecchio: Oh please! 
Fraser: Oh could you, uh, would you mind... 
Waitress: Anything else I can get you? 
Fraser: Yes, actually. If you would just uh, Oh, sorry. 
*** 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Vecchio: This is pathetic. 
Fraser: I know but he seems to be enjoying it. 
Vecchio: Not him. You. Okay. Diaper changing time. Any volunteers? I didn't think so. Come on let's dig us up a social worker. 
Fraser: Oh you think that's wise Ray? *I mean, the mother comes looking for him--- 
Vecchio: What mother? The kid was abandoned. 
Fraser: Well not according to this. Look. Blankets, cloth diapers, extra clothing. The food is all home made and in reusable jars. This mother cares about her child very much. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah. That's why she left him in the back of a parked car. 
Fraser: I don't think she planned to Ray. I think she's desperate and she needs our help. 
Vecchio: How do you know that? 
Fraser: I think she saw us in here but couldn't attract our attention and she had to live close by, she couldn't have run very far with all of this in her arms. 
Vecchio: Oh come on Fraser. Moot point. Procedure is you find an abandoned kid, you call a social worker and tag she's it. Then he goes to a holding center. 
Fraser: Is that like an orphanage? 
Vecchio: No. It's a very modern facility where they hold the kid till they can place him in a foster home. 
Fraser: An orphanage. 
Vecchio: No, it's not an orphanage. 
Fraser: What if the mother wants the child back? 
Vecchio: Well then there'll be an investigation. If it turns out there's extenuating circumstances. Maybe. 
Fraser: I see. 
Vecchio: Oh come on, Fraser, don't give me that big-eyed Mountie look. It's police procedure. Now give me the kid. Give me the kid. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker no. You heard him. It's procedure. 
*** 
Fraser: He has a philosophical objection you understand. 
Vecchio: So what? The wolf has a thing about family values? 
Fraser: Well most wolves do. Surely you've heard of stories of wolves raising children that were abandoned in the wilderness. 
Vecchio: Those are not historical accounts, Fraser, those are Disney movies. 
Fraser: Myth springs from truth Ray. Most wolves form very strong loyalties and will kill to defend them I know. I've experienced it. 
Vecchio: Really? 
Fraser: Oh, it's all right. He knows you. Just keep you hands where he can see them...and make the puffin face. 
Vecchio: I am not gonna make the puffin face. 
Fraser: Make the puffin face. 
Vecchio: I don't even know what a puffin is. 
*** 
Fraser: No you don't. 
Vecchio: Oh yes you do. 
*** 
Fraser: So this is the... 
Vecchio: it looks better on the inside. 
Fraser: I'm sure it does. 
Vecchio: Fraser, It's not a workhouse. They don't put kids on treadmills here. 
Fraser: No, no, no. of course not. We'll be right back. 
*** 
Fraser: They seem happy enough. 
Vecchio: Hi how are you. 
Kid: Are you my daddy? 
Vecchio: Uh, no kid, I'm not. 
Fraser: Well fed too. 
*** 
Kid: You're my daddy? 
Vecchio: No. No kid I'm not. I'm sure he'll be along soon enough. 
Fraser: Oh yes. Very soon. 
*** 
Fraser: Ray? 
Vecchio: Six o'clock. 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: Ya got till six o'clock to find the kids mother. After that he hits the treadmill. 
Fraser: Well I thought you said there was no treadmill. 
Vecchio: Never mind that. Get in the car. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
*** 
Older kid: How much you get? 
Kid: Five big ones. 
Older Kid: He's good. Real good. 
*** 
Vecchio: You're sure. She could be blonde or brunette. 
Mother: Cloth diapers? How do you prevent them from leaking. 
Fraser: moss. It's an old Inuit method. Naturally anti-bacterial, holds three times it's weight in liquid. 
Mother: Really? 
Vecchio: Benny you want to save the survival tips for later? 
Fraser: Well of course Ray. 
*** 
Fraser: Just make sure you check for bugs. 
*** 
Vecchio: Alright there are three parks, two toy stores and a mommy and me class. I think we've done our duty to the little tike. 
Fraser: Oh, oh, Ray. Would you mind? I think he's got gas. 
Vecchio: Oh come on Fraser. 
Fraser: No, no. I changed him. Fairs fair. 
Vecchio: Look we are getting no where okay? We need a better description than hair color, race and possible matching dimples. Oh no! Fraser! Fraser! Give me something. Give me a rag. Give me the hat, give me the hat. 
Fraser: Leave it. Leave it. 
Vecchio: Hey, this is armani. 
Fraser: It's interesting. 
Vecchio: No, it's not interesting, it's vomit. There's interesting and then there's vomit. Get it off me. 
Fraser: This isn't formula. It's curdled. I don't think it's cows milk, the curdles are too small. 
Vecchio: Well who cares what it is. Get me to a dry cleaner will you? 
Fraser: Where's the nearest Dairy Mart? 
*** 
Clerk: Yep, that's vomit alright. 
Fraser: Yes but do you recognize the curds? 
Clerk: I don't know. It's a little chewed up. Maybe if you let it harden. 
Vecchio: On suede? What are you, a sadist? 
Fraser: Perhaps an educated guess. 
Clerk: Well if it came out of the child's stomach, I'd say goats milk. Smaller curd, easier on the tummy. 
Vecchio: You have anybody who special orders? 
Clerk: Oh yeah, a few. Some have allergies, some just buy it for their kids. 
Vecchio: How many? 
*** 
Vinnie: Things have been kinda tough with me out of work and Louise worried about how we're gonna take care of Jamie. I guess she just snapped. The doctor said she was just depressed after the baby. All she needed was a few weeks and she'd get over it but- 
Vecchio: Where is she now? 
Vinnie: Oh, she's out looking for Jamie. I mean we both were, right? But then I came back. I thought somebody would call. 
Fraser: No, I know. We ran into each other outside the coffee shop. 
Vinnie: Yeah. Sorry about that. I was pretty freaked out and Louise- she was even worse. I mean she practically fell apart when she realized what she did. She's crazy about this kid. She - I've never seen her cry like that, right? I say to her, I say, 'It's okay, you just made a mistake.' You can understand a mistake can't you Detective? 
Fraser: Do you have any identification? 
*** 
Louise: The Mountie. Have you seen him anywhere? 
Woman: Maybe. You his girlfriend? 
Louise: No. Did he have a baby with him? 
Woman: Oh! You got him babysitting for you huh? 
Louise: Please, can you just tell me if you've seen him. 
Woman: You live on Hastings. 
Louise: Yeah. 
Woman: Then you better hurry. Babysitting. Why didn't I think of that. 
*** 
Vecchio: Alright. Father's driver's license matches the baby's birth certificate. I'm happy. 
Fraser: Do you have any family photographs? 
Vecchio: Benny, it's the kid's father. Everything matches up. 
Vinnie: It's okay. He kinda looked like Kermit the frog at first, but that's him. 
*** 
Fraser: Diefenbaker, this is the baby's father. Well uh, thank you for your patience. 
Vinnie: Really? You don't know what this means to Louise and me. We won't forget ya. 
Vecchio: Just don't leave the baby unattended again. 
*** 
Vecchio: Yeah. I don't know. My mother never left me alone and if she did there was always someone there to look after me. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker! 
Vecchio: Oh great. We've got a jealous wolf now? 
Fraser: What is it? 
Vecchio: Oh come on. He's already past the sniff test. What more do you want? 
Fraser: Maybe I wasn't specific enough. Maybe I didn't ask the right kind of questions? 
Vecchio: Oh what's he suppose to be? Some kind of lupine lie detector now? 
Fraser: Pacifier. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: He threw the babies pacifer on the ground. 
*** 
Fraser: You take the front. Diefenbaker! 
Louise: You! My baby! What did you do with him? 
Fraser: Are you Louise? 
Louise: Yes! I gave you may baby. So, where is he? 
Fraser: His father. I- 
Louise: Oh my God. He's gonna sell him. He's gonna sell Jamie. 
*** 
Vecchio: Nineteen-seventy-four white Chevy convertible. Illinois plate. Robert John David eight zero nine. No. No. Do not apprehend. He's got a kid with him. Just get me the location. 
Louise: At first I thought he was letting off steam. He was out of work. Nothing to do but stare at the four walls so he would go out at night and bet a little. But loose mostly. He would pick up a day of work here or there so I thought it was just a few bucks. Until his unemployment checks started to disappear. 
Fraser: How much did he lose? 
Louise: He wouldn't tell me. But the man, the one who threatened him? He said ten thousand dollars. 
Vecchio: Musta been some kind of roll. 
Louise: Well ifyou ask me, I think they saw him coming. 
Fraser: And the baby? 
Louise: It was so stupid. I thought he was just talking crazy like he does sometimes when things get bad, but I never thought that he would--there was this man who came by the neighborhood and he said he worked for this lawyer who specialized in helping people like us. People who couldn't take care of their kids. I told him to go to hell, but Vinnie, all he could see was how much he cost us. Doctor's bills, grocery money. I couldn't work so that was Jamie's fault too. And Vinnie. He was just so angry all the time. He wouldn't even hold him. His own kid. He's not - he's not a bad guy. He didn't used to be. 
Fraser: We'll find him. 
Vecchio: Look, if you want us to arrest him you're gonna have to swear out a complaint. 
Fraser: It that what you want? 
Louise: They, they say that you believe in people. That you're the only one in the neighborhood without locks on his doors. 
Fraser: Yes, well that's not entirely intentional. 
Vecchio: Someone stole them. 
Fraser: This attorney. Do you remember his name? 
*** 
Millie: Morris Morisot Associates, Attorney's at Law. Hold please. Morisot Attorney's at Law. How can I help you? She's in a meeting. Would you like to leave another message? Thank you. 
Client: Look it's been thirty minutes now. Can I just go in and drop off the-- 
Millie: You got a chair? 
Client: Yeah. 
Millie: You got a magazine? 
Client: Uh huh but I - 
Millie: Sit. 
*** 
Vecchio: You got a mouthpeice named Morisot here? 
Millie: It all depends what flatfoot is asking. 
Fraser: You know Ray this may not be best - 
Vecchio: I'll tell you, Millie. You get Morisot out here or I hold a seminar on black market baby selling and your 
Millie: Magazine. 
Vecchio: Okay, how many of you folks are here to arrange for adoptions! 
Fraser: Ray, we have no evidence. 
Vecchio: Fraser, look, this is how it works. Okay, a sleeze ball rents a fancy office and poor suckers like these think he's legit. Next thing you know he's selling babies like rugs in a casbar. Excuse me ma'am, do you know what happens to a little tyke in a place like these? 
Mother: We just came in to use the bathroom 
*** 
Miss Marisot: I'm Miss Marisot, can I help you Detective? 
Vecchio: Yeah, you can turn that baby over to me. I could slap a pair of hand cuffs on you. 
Miss Marisot: Perhaps you should step inside. 
Vecchio: Perhaps we should. 
Miss Marisot: This should take just a moment. 
*** 
Miss Marisot: Now just what the hell is this all about. 
Fraser: Miss Marisot we have reason to believe that that child has been put up for adoption without the full knowledge and agreement of both parents. 
Vecchio: which makes you a fraud, a kidnapper and not a very nice person. 
Miss Marisot: Detective, I can't decide whether you are just naturally offensive or just naturally ignorant and I'd be checking your facts before shooting your mouth off. 
Vecchio: How much did she offer you Vinnie? Forty or fifty grand for that kid? 
Vinnie: Can't you do something? Get him out of here. 
Miss Marisot: I hate to burst your bubble Detective but this is a completely legal adoption. Any compensation the parents may or may not receive is fully allowable under Illinois law. 
Vecchio: Come on, Louise Webber doesn't even know her kid's being sold off. 
Miss Marisot: Louise Webber sat at this table six weeks ago and signed these application papers in my presence. You will notice that they are witnessed, notarized and the appropriate copies have been filed with Illinois State Adoption Board. 
Fraser: The mother knew? 
Miss Marisot: Of course she knew. I'm a respectable attorney, Constable, not some back street baby snatcher. I make my living from epople who trust me and make referrals that should be obvious. 
Vinnie: I'm out of here. You deal with this. 
Miss Marisot: We signed an agreement Vinnie. 
Vinnie: I'll be there. 
Fraser: Oh uh, Vincent. 
Vinnie: What? 
Fraser: Goat's milk. 
Vinnie: What? 
Fraser: He drinks goat's milk. He's almost out. 
*** 
Louise: Vinnie. 
Vinnie: You didn't tell them did you? 
Louise: I thought that maybe they wouldn't help us. 
Vinnie: Nobody is going to help us. We're in too deep. That's why we have to do this. 
Louise: Jamie needs us too. 
Vinnie: It'll be better for him. You should see these people Louise they got money. Heaps of it. He's some corporate guy. He's got his own plane. What are you and I gonna offer this kid except a whole lot of nothing. 
Louise: You never tried Vinnie. Not once. You were too busy thinking about yourself. 
Vinnie: Yeah. It's always me. Everything's my fault. You signed those papers Louise. Nobody put a gun to your head. 
Louise: We both did something really stupid but that doesn't mean we can't change our minds. Lawyer said-- 
Vinnie: Both of us got to back out, not just you. I can't afford that. I back out I'm dead. 
Louise: Vinnie, please. Think of what you're doing. 
Vinnie: I got no choice okay? 
Louise: Fine. You give him to me. Give me my baby. Vinnie. Vinnie. Don't. Please. Vinnie. Vinnie. Don't. No! No! 
*** 
Vecchio: It's over. 
Fraser: Not quite. He never listens. 
Vecchio: I'll get the car. 
*** 
Vecchio: Do you know how hard it is to find goat's milk at a 7-11? If it wasn't for the Arminian at the cash register. 
Fraser: Thanks Ray. 
Fraser: You're breaking your heart over someone else's kid. It's not a smart move. 
Fraser: No. you're probably right. 
Vecchio: You know what you're going to say? You'll think of something. 
*** 
Vinnie: Get out of here. Alright, I'm calling the pound. What in hell is wrong with you? 
Fraser: I'd steer the conversation away from dog pounds if I were you. It's not surprising he lacks perspective on the subject. May I? 
Vinnie: What are you doing here? 
Fraser: I got some things for your son. You might want to warm this up. 
Vinnie: I got milk. Now you want to get your wolf away from my kid? 
Fraser: Oh well, that's going to be difficult. 
Vinnie: Why is he nuts or something? 
Fraser: No. No. No. It's just that he rarely does anything I ask him to. We've tried to work through it. God knows I have done my part, but it's something we can't seem to get past. 
Vinnie: This-this is nuts man. 
Fraser: I know. I know. I know. It's a conundrum. But he does seem intent on staying so if I were to hazard a guess I would say he must have a reason. 
Vinnie: The wolf. 
Fraser: Apparently. Did you do anything to make him think you needed him? 
Vinnie: Oh come on now. What do I need with a wolf? 
Fraser: Now that that is an interesting question. According to the text books, the wolf is a hunter, an animal of prey. The Inuit. The Inuit take a very different view of it. 
Vinnie: The Inuit? 
Fraser: People of the North. They have their own idea of why the wolf was created. You interested? In the beginning of this legend, there was a man and woman. And nothing else on Earth walked or swam or flew. So the woman dug a big hole in the ground and she started fishing in it. And she pulled out all of the animals. And the last animal she pulled out was the caribou. 
Vinnie: Thought this was about wolves, man. 
Fraser: Oh, they'll be along in a minute. 
Vinnie: Ah. 
Fraser: And so the woman set the caribou free and ordered it to multiply and soon the land was full of them. And the people lived well and they were happy. But the hunters. The hunters only killed those caribou that were big and strong and soon all that were left were the weak and the sick. And the People began to starve. So the woman had to make magic again and this time she called Amorak, Spirit of the Wolf, to winnow out the weak and the sick so the herd would once again be strong. The People realized that the caribou and the wolf were one. For although the caribou feeds the wolf, it is the wolf that keeps the caribou strong. 
Vinnie: So, what are you saying? The wolf might eat me? 
Fraser: Perhaps. 
*** 
Vecchio: Inuit story? 
Fraser: Yep. 
Vecchio: Let's hope it works. 
*** 
Dief: Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Growl growl. 
Vinnie: Get off me. Get off me. 
Dief: Growl growl. 
Vinnie: Get off me. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Uh. Okay. Alright. It's okay. It's okay. Come one Daddy's here. Yeah. Okay, yeah. That's my boy. 
*** 
Vinnie: It'll be okay. And you're gonna like it. When I was a kid I always wanted to live in a big house. You know what? I bet you'll even have a playhouse. Things can't always be the way you want them to. And sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do you better learn that. Don't you kid yourself sometimes things catche up to you. So don't say your old man never taught you anything. 
*** 
Need a lift Vinnie? 
Claude: Easy man, watch the kid. 
*** 
Vecchio: They're gonna kill him. 
Fraser: No. No they'll get their money first. 
*** 
Vecchio: So we're just gonna sit this one out? 
Fraser: You can't solve peoples problems for them, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh at least he'll have a new home and parents. 
*** 
Vecchio: Oh great, so now he changes his minds with guns and criminals? 
*** 
Claude: Shoot him please. 
Hinchman: In the back? 
Claude: Unless you can think of a better angle. Yes. 
*** 
Louise: Vinnie! 
Claude: Get him! 
*** 
Vecchio: Ok, we saved his life for fifteen seconds. Now what? 
Fraser: You take the big one, I'll take the bigger one. 
Fraser: Fraser, There's three of them. Can't I just shoot them? 
Fraser: Not unless you want to blow up thirty two tons of jet fuel. 
*** 
Vinnie: No! 
Claude: Give me the kid Vinnie. 
Vinnie: I'm not doing it man. 
Claude: Of course you are. Even the lowest creature is blessed with a survival instinct. Come on Vinnie. Give me the kid. 
Vinnie: No way man. You want to take me out, go ahead but you're not getting my kid. 
Claude: It's your choice. 
Dief: Woof woof 
Claude: Are you going to call him off? 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Off. He never listens. 
Vecchio: It's true. 
*** 
Vinnie: Let's go home. 
Louise: You take our kid. You scare the hell out of me. You've got a lot to make up for man. 
Fraser: You're welcome. 
*** 
Vecchio: I think she was nearsighted. 
Fraser: Who? 
Vecchio: The chick with the bike. 
Fraser: Oh you mean at the coffee shop. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Fraser: Well, she's probably too young for you Ray. 
Fraser: Okay. No, no, no. It's not her. It's just that she didn't notice my je ne sais quoi. 
Fraser: From the French meaning I don't know what? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Fraser: Did you ever consider maybe you replaced it with something else? 
Vecchio: Really? What? 
Fraser: Yeah. That's it. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: I'd rather not say. 
Vecchio: Come on Fraser. 
Fraser: No Ray, it's your hair. 
Vecchio: No, no we're partners man you've got to be brutally honest with me. 
Fraser: All right. One phrase? Je ne sais quoi. 
Ray laughs. 

End of A Cop, A Mountie and a Baby
 
 
 
 

Gift of the Wheelman 

[Street, talking to Dief in the Riv] Fraser: Now you stay in the car and keep your nose out of those packages. They are not for you. [to Ray] He's searched through every cupboard and drawer in the apartment trying to find out what I got for him but this Christmas he will not succeed. 
[Store] 
Clerk: Well what do you think? 
Del: How much is it again? 
Clerk: Seventy five dollars. Well I have some over here that are less expensive and you really can't tell the difference. 
Del: Well he can tell. He used to have one just like it. 
Clerk: It is a beautiful gift. 
Del: Okay, okay, I'll buy it. 
[street] 
Vecchio: Oh no, I know that tone in your voice. You think I'm being cheap. 
Fraser: No, I think there's nothing wrong with being frugal. If you can't afford to buy presents well getting them by opening an account is a viable if not inventive alternative. Vecchio: But you think I can afford it. You think I'm just being cheap. That's what you're thinking. 
Fraser: I think nothing of the sort. Now where 
Vecchio: Right here. Savings and Loan. 
Fraser: Ah, of course. 
Vecchio: See? You see? That's the tone I'm talking about. You see that tone? 
Fraser: What tone? 
Vecchio: That tone. You see? 
Fraser: You can't see a tone Ray. 
[bank] 
[Various Crime Santas : Stay down. Move it, move it. Get the hell out of here. Leave it, leave it. Toss me the bag.] 
[street] 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Fraser, it's a fire alarm. 
*** 
Vecchio: Hey Chris Kringle, where's the fire. 
Crime Santa: Where the hell is he? 
Vecchio: Anything? 
Fraser: No. but this young man did. 
[27th precinct] 
Santa: Come on, this is crazy. You know how much money I'm loosing right now? Every kid that sits on my lap, I get two bucks. 
Huey: Yep. 
Santa: I can go through forty kids an hour! 
*** 
Santa 2: No! No one can do fifty and live. 
Louis: It's not a difficult question, okay? Where were you at twelve o'clock today. 
Santa 3: Hey man, I got three hours of booking at the department store. 
Louis: Yeah. One of those elves said you went out for about twenty minutes. 
Santa 3: Yeah well, he's a lying rat bastard. 
*** 
Huey: No, you. What are you waiting for, Christmas? 
*** 
Elaine: We're not interested in how fluffy his beard was. 
Lady witness: That's him! 
Elaine: That's the sixth you've pointed to. Can we focus a little here. 
Lady witness: He had a twinkle in his eye. 
*** 
Vecchio: I don't understand the problem here. Some citizen pulls the alarm and ran away. 
Fraser: But ask yourself 'Who' 
Ray. All the businesses above were closed. All the employees and patrons were on the floor. Anyone coming in would have been noticed by the wheelman. After they took over that building only four people had access to that 
Vecchio: So what are you saying? One of the robbers pulled the alarm? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: That's ridiculous. 
Fraser: About as ridiculous as going to a robbery with an unleaded shotgun. 
Vecchio: I'll tell you for a second there Fraser, I thought I was...why would a guy pull the trigger of a gun he knew was unloaded? 
Fraser: Seems improbable doesn't it? 
Vecchio: Yes! You know the wheelman knew exactly when the bagman was behind the counter. If he pulled the alarm, they panic. He comes running in, the bagman is trapped behind the counter, he throws the bag to the wheelman who throws him back the gun. 
Fraser: Clever isn't it? 
Vecchio: Hey in the heat of the moment I'd take a gun over a bag any day. The whole things a double cross. 
Welsh: Detective Vecchio, Huey, Louis, join me for some eggnog. 
*** 
Welsh: The last half hour I've gotten calls from seven department stores, the Salvation Army, two parade officials and the director of a children's pageant. This was further augmented by calls from four city councilmen, the deputy mayor and the police commissioner. All curious as to why we are detaining all the Santa Clauses in the city on Christmas Eve. The police commissioner was especially irked since his daughter was sitting on Santa's knee in a department store when said Santa was cuffed and thrown into a paddy wagon. In our zeal to solve this case, I can't help but wonder if we haven't been, I don't know, how do you say it? Excessively stupid? 
Louie: Detective Huey and I have a theory sir. 
Welsh: Oh this I'd like to hear. 
Louie: See we believe the perpetrators were dressed in Santa Claus suits in order to facilitate their get away by blending into the crowd. 
Welsh: In that people don't usually notice armed men fleeing a crime scene in big red suits. 
Huey: Actually they couldn't have had jobs in local department stores sir. I mean, that would be the perfect cover. 
Welsh: This is your theory? 
Huey and Louie: Yes sir. 
Louie: It's not our only theory. 
Huey: We have others sir. 
Welsh: Detective Vecchio do you have a theory? 
Vecchio: Uh, yes sir. But actually it's Constable Fraser's theory sir. 
Welsh: Oh really? 
Fraser: Afternoon Leftenant. 
Welsh: Oh Merry Christmas Constable. I assume you're working on some kind of a North Pole connection? 
Fraser: No sir. And actually it's a misconception that the North Pole is in Canada, sir. Its ownership has been in dispute ever since Admiral Perry planted a flag there in nineteen-o-nine. A fact that in itself has been in dispute ever since. Many believe it was Matthew Hensen, an African-American who first discovered-- 
Vecchio: Constable Fraser and I believe the wheelman pulled the alarm in order to throw the whole situation into chaos thus double crossing his partners. 
Welsh: Oh sure. One of the robbers pulled the alarm himself. 
Fraser: Yes sir. 
Vecchio:And we have a witness who saw the wheelman without his beard. We got him out there going over the mug shots right now. If the wheelman's out there, he's pretty much in our pockets sir. 
Welsh: Alright. Vecchio, you get out the wheelman. Huey and Louie you get the other three. 
Huey: Yes sir. 
*** 
Santa 6: Which one of your flatfoots took my reindeer. 
*** 
Del: I looked. He's not in there. 
Vecchio: Look one more time. 
Del: I already did. 
Vecchio: Look kid, whoever this guy is, he's no first timer. If he's done this before odds are one hundred to one he's right there in front of you. Maybe he looks a little differently but he's there so I need you to look again. 
Del: He's not in there. 
Vecchio: Look kid, I'm having a good day, okay. It's Christmas Eve. I am filled of love for my fellow man, but I swear to god if you don't look again I'll slap you upside the head. 
Fraser: Ray. May I? Del, why don't you just describe the man you saw. 
Del: I didn't get a good look. 
Vecchio: The guy was three inches from your face. It doesn't get any better than that. 
Fraser: Uh, Ray, maybe Del is just afraid of what would happen if he identifies this man. 
Fraser: Well maybe Del should be afraid of what will happen if he doesn't. Look kid, you're not the only one who saw a face. This guy was so close to you he could count your pores. How hard do you think it'll be for him to find out where you live. You put your finger on this guy and we can protect you and if you don't -- 
Fraser: We'll still protect you. 
Fraser: Maybe he will but I won't and no other cop will either. 
Del: You really were touched with the spirit of Christmas. 
*** 
Vecchio: The kid's making a big mistake. What's that? 
Fraser: It's a gift. 
Vecchio: I don't know, maybe I was too rough on him. 
Fraser: Yes. 
*** 
Elaine: Hey guys. They pulled a palm print off the counter top. Your bagman is Robert L. Flannagan. FBI has him linked to six bank jobs with James and Cameron Donnelly. 
Vecchio: No kidding. 
Fraser: It that significant? 
Vecchio: All the Donnelly's are something of a local legend around here. 
Elaine: They had a partner named Nick Stalidas who skimmed some money from them. He took off to Mexico. The federales found him in bite-sized pieces in the Sea of Cortez. 
Vecchio: There's only two rules writ in the pavement in this town. You don't steal from the mob and you don't cross the Donnelly's. 
Fraser: Mmm, I think I should return this gift. 
Fraser: Oh that's good Benny, we only have a couple of hours to find the wheelman before they turn him into fish food and you're delivering Christmas presents? 
Fraser: Thank you Ray. 
*** 
[alley behind Porter apartment] 
Jimmy Donnelly: Hey, hey. Hi Del. Came looking for your dad. He wasn't home. 
Del: Yeah. 
Jimmy: You tell him Jimmy Donnelly dropped by will you? Tell him I expect to meet him tomorrow at the distillery as planned. Will you do that for me? 
Del: If I see him, yeah. 
Jimmy: That's a good boy. 
*** 
[alley behind Porter apartment] 
Fraser: Uh, Del, you left this at the station. 
Del: Thanks. 
Fraser: I'll give you a hand with this. William Porter, is that your father. 
Del: Yeah. 
Fraser: A writer is he? 
Del: Not really. 
Fraser: My father was quite the writer. 
Del: Professional? 
Fraser: No. A Mountie. But he kept journals. He must have filled up almost a hundred. You know it's odd. We never spent that much time together when we were young so it's only recently through his writing that I feel that I'd gotten to know him. 
Del: Is he dead? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Del: Sorry. 
Fraser: You know, I've always thought it was the bravest thing a man could do. Writing down his innermost feeling that any stranger could read. 
Del: Well, I'm the only stranger read any of these. 
Fraser: Mind if I read em? 
Del: Suit yourself. 
*** 
Fraser: Oh uh, the gift. Is that for your father? 
Del: Yeah. 
Fraser: I'm sure he'll treasure it. 
Del: It's nothing. 
[Riv] 
Fraser: He wasn't scared. He knew the thief. 
Vecchio: Did he I.D. him? 
Fraser: Yes. He just didn't intend to. 
[27th precinct] 
Louis: Ow. 
Elf: I told you everything I know about him. 
Louis: Just a few more questions, okay? 
*** 
Louis: Come on, come on Hurry up, let's go. 
Elf: Hey what do we look like rats. 
Louis: Don't push me. 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: Thank you. 
Vecchio: Right. 
Vecchio: Okay. Thanks. Parole office says Porter's been a model citizen. Worked as a janitor past six years. No complaints. Never missed a days work. You got that Elaine? 
Elaine: Got it. 
Vecchio: He'd come home to take care of his kid, then spends half the night writing short stories something he picked up in prison I guess. 
Fraser: And the boys mother? 
Vecchio: Left him with an Aunt about eight years ago and did a bunk. when he finally got out, he took the kid back. 
Elaine: William Sydney Porter pled guilty to one count of armed robbery. He was the driver. Served seven years released on good behavior. Nothing since. 
Fraser: Doesn't make any sense. Why would he leave his son. 
Vecchio: Fraser, this may come as a shock to you, but here in the United States of America we've discovered bank robbers aren't usually the best family member. 
Fraser: He leaves prison. He reclaims his son. He works six years at a minimum wage job. 
Elaine: Twenty-seven. Elaine Bessbris. 
Fraser: This isn't a man who would abandon his life without an awful lot of thought. When the Donneleys found out he betrayed them, his son would have been their natural target. I don't think he'd leave him behind unprotected. 
Vecchio: Maybe he acted on impulse. 
Fraser: No-no. I think he has a plan. We just don't know what it is. 
Elaine: Thanks. Porter's passport expired last month. No request for renewal. 
Vecchio: So where's he planning to go? 
*** 
Vecchio: I brought the wire tape request over in person sir. But his honor had consumed a great deal of Christmas cheer and started cursing at me in Norweigen. I wasn't aware he spoke it either sir. I'd appreciate that. Alright. 
[stake out] 
Vecchio: Did you have to bring him? 
Fraser: Well it is Christmas Eve, Ray. 
Vecchio: What are you reading? 
Fraser: My father's journals. I'm just going over old cases to see if there's anything similar. 
Vecchio: Is there? 
Fraser: Not that I've found. 
Vecchio: What is it? 
Fraser: I just wish I'd spent more time with him. There's a lot of things I should have learned. 
Vecchio: I learned two things from my father. One -- timing. Mostly when to duck and two you never hit a kid, cause it doesn't teach him anything. I'm going to go to the gas station. I'll be right back. 
[From the Journal of Robert Fraser] Sam Dalton made only one mistake. He planned everything but how he was going to spend the money. Before he hit Whitehorse he left a trail of twenties that took me right to his door. 
Robert Fraser: That Sam's case was nothing like this. 
Fraser: No I know but what I can't seem to find is-- 
Robert Fraser: Hello son. 
Fraser: Hello Day. How are you? 
Robert Fraser: I'm dead son. Other than that, do you mean? 
Fraser: No, that's what I was asking. 
Robert Fraser: Oh, that's good. Never be ashamed to ask a stupid question, son. I taught you that, didn't I? 
Fraser: Not specifically, no. 
Robert Fraser: Well, no time like the present. So fill me in on the case. 
Fraser: The case. 
Robert Fraser: The case. the case you're working on. Something about it bothers you about it. 
Fraser: Well. In a nut shell. There was a bank robbery today, now we've identified the perpetrators, but the wheelman, that's the driver in Chicago parlance, double crossed his partners. Now what we can't seem to figure is there any insanity in our family? 
Robert Fraser: No, not that I'm aware of. 
Fraser: Good. 
Robert Fraser: Well, there was your Uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves but we assumed that was a freak accident. 
Fraser: Oh, well... 
[Donnelly's place] 
Jimmy: You take your time Robert. Doing a little Christmas shopping I see. Robert: Check this 
Vecchio: Porter had a second car parked in an alley about a block away. 
Jimmy: Really. Cameron, have to apologize to you. Seems Porter isn't planning on sharing after all. 
Cameron: Apology accepted James. 
Jimmy: Ah Robert. I meant to ask you why did you toss Porter the bag? 
Robert: I was trapped behind the counter man, the cops were coming. 
Jimmy: So instead of running around the counter ya threw the bag and jumped over. 
Robert: Yeah. 
Jimmy: Well it makes sense. 
Robert: I was thinking of getting out with the cash, you know. 
Jimmy: But you didn't did you? You're the bagman Robert, you're suppose to carry the bag. 
Robert: Hey Jimmy, Jimmy, come on man. He threw me the gun man, I mean the alarms were going off. 
Jimmy: No no I understand. Everyone gets one mistake and that was yours. See what he got us. 
Cameron: Far Side Calendars. 
Jimmy: Oh I love those. Now let's see what young Del got. 
[stake out, in the Riv] 
Fraser: So did you just happen to pick this moment to reappear. 
Robert Fraser: Well obviously you needed my help son and it was my fault. If I'd better prepared you, you wouldn't be floundering around like this. 
Fraser: Well I'm not completely over my head Dad, I mean-- 
Robert Fraser: Don't try to make me feel better son. I failed you as a father. I'm gonna make that up to you now. 
Fraser: How exactly do you propose to do that Dad? I mean it's not as though-- 
Vecchio: Anything happen? 
Fraser: In what sense? 
Vecchio: There's a light up there and it's condemned. 
Fraser: Stay. 
Robert Fraser: Me? Benton, Benton. See how fast he noticed that? Observation is everything, son. 
Fraser: Thank you Dad. 
[in alley] 
Vecchio: They're out back. 
Fraser: There! 
Vecchio: Police. Freeze. 
Robert Fraser: Count to three and rise up together shooting. 
Fraser: I don't carry a weapon. 
Robert Fraser: You what? 
Fraser: I don't carry a weapon. 
Robert Fraser: Is that smart, son? 
Fraser: It's the law dad. 
Robert Fraser: Well no time for niceties. Here, use mine. 
Fraser: Well I appreciate the offer but it's imaginary. 
Robert Fraser: Oh, so it is. 
*** 
Vecchio: It's my last clip. 
Robert Fraser: They're maneuvering for position. 
Fraser: I can see that. 
Vecchio: See what? 
Fraser: They're maneuvering for position. 
Vecchio: I can see that. 
Robert Fraser: You only have a few seconds left. 
Fraser: Right again. 
Vecchio: About what? 
Fraser: We've only got a few seconds left. 
Robert Fraser: What you need son, if you don't mind me saying is a good solid plan--or you can just throw a rock. 
Fraser: Fire your entire clip 
Robert Fraser: Then he'll be out of bullets. 
Vecchio: Then I'll be out of bullets. 
Fraser: I heard both of you. 
Vecchio: Is there an entire conversation going on here that I'm entirely unaware of? 
Fraser: Yes. One. Two. Three. 
Robert Fraser: At least you found the villans son. There's something to be said about that. 
Fraser: Thank you. 
Vecchio: Anytime. 
[27th precinct] 
Vecchio: We know your father did it. We know he has the money and we know that you know where it is. What we don't know is how smart you are. 
Del: I can't help you. 
Vecchio: Now we know. Benny talk to him. Ask him if he knows the guys with guns that were coming after him. You're father left you hanging kid. Maybe you should stop worrying about him and start worrying about yourself. Tell him that Benny. 
Fraser: I will Ray. 
Vecchio: Yeah, you do that. 
Louis: Hey we said elves you moron (they bring in Elvis') Elves! 
Fraser: Del I know you want to help your father. You wouldn't be much of a son if you didn't. The only way to protect him is if we can bring him in off the streets. Now it took us several hours to identify your father during which time he could have easily left town but he didn't. 
Del: How do you know that? 
Fraser: Yes I do. He wouldn't leave you. And yet he didn't get you out of town before the robbery. Or arrange to meet you someplace else now why is that? 
Del: Well maybe his plans just didn't include me at all. 
Fraser: Well I don't believe that. And I don't think you do either. 
Del: Think again. 
*** 
Vecchio: Talk to him? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Vecchio: Look kid we all didn't get the best fathers. And yours? Well he isn't going to win any parenting awards but he's all you got. so are you going to help him or not. 
Del: He's gone by now. 
Vecchio: Then you can go. 
*** 
Vecchio: Just check out at the front desk before you leave. 
Fraser: We can't just let him go back out there. 
Welsh: All right. Keep a close eye on him. You're right his father will try to contact him again. 
Fraser: What? We're going to use him for bait? 
Vecchio: Something we like to do every Christmas. 
Welsh: Don't lose him and don't let the Donnelley's get him. 
Vecchio: Oh, I've got to call my ma and tell her why I'll be late. Meet you out back. 
*** 
Robert Fraser: I never taught you in interrogate a witness son. 
Fraser: I know. 
Robert Fraser: The seven ways to tell if a man is lying. 
Fraser: Well I kinda pieced it together for myself. 
Robert Fraser: Oh good. So then you know what to watch for in their eyes? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Robert Fraser: You know if they look up and to the left, they're lying. 
Fraser: Uh huh. 
Robert: Unless they're aware of this in which case they try to look straight at you. 
Fraser: Yeah. 
Robert: Or they over compensate and end up looking to the left? 
Fraser: Oh really? Would you mind waiting right here. I'll be right back. 
[Riv, Fraser jumps in] 
Fraser: Drive! Quick! Before he comes back. 
Vecchio: Who? 
Fraser: My father. Drive. Go. 
Vecchio: Fraser, your father's dead. 
Fraser: I know. And I don't want to speak ill of him, but he's driving me nuts. 
Ray; Your father. 
Fraser: He's not really here. I know that. It's all in my mind it's just that he refuses to stay there or rather he refuses to leave there. I really don't understand it but I tell you it's beginning to wear a little thin. I mean, does he think I'm completely ignorant? I bet the next thing he'll do is try to start a fire. You know Ray, I have half a mind to tell him to pack up and move out. 
Vecchio: Of your mind. 
Fraser: Yes. 
Robert Fraser: Hello son. 
Fraser: Oh God, he's back. 
Robert Fraser: What's that? 
Fraser: I said glad you're back dad. 
*** 
Fraser: Not a word, all right? 
Vecchio: Hey, No problem Benny. 
Robert Fraser: That's him! 
Vecchio: Who? 
Fraser: There. 
Vecchio: Where? Right in front of the police station? Now that is cheek. 
[Porter's car] 
William: We got a few minutes. 
Del: I don't need to hear any excuses. 
William: Will you just listen to me. If something happens to me, I gotta know. 
Del: I don't want to hear this. 
William: Something happens to me. You gotta know where I hid the money. 
Del: I don't want the damn money. 
William: I don't care what you want. 
Del: There is a surprise huh? 
William: Just listen to me. I don't know how this thing is going to turn out. 
Del: Dad, you said you were finished. You know you promised me. 
William: Del, Del, Del, I didn't want to do this. Just listen, just lis- just listen to me. If something happens to me I gotta know you're okay. 
Del: That I'm okay huh? Now you think of this? 
William: Don't talk to me that way, I'm your father. 
Del: You're a looser. That's what you are. You couldn't make one damn thing work out for yourself, not one. So why should I listen to what you have to say? 
William: Del! [Del runs off] Del! Del! 
Fraser [standing behind a piling]: You won't get away with it. I know you must have a plan but there's no way it will work. 
*** 
Vecchio: Now there's a man who loves his work. 
Fraser: I don't think so Ray. 
[27th precinct] 
Fraser: You sure you don't want something? 
Robert Fraser: No thanks son. I couldn't. Well this is the first Christmas meal we've had together in twenty years and I'm not even really here. 
Fraser: Aren't you? 
Robert Fraser: I don't know anymore about this then you do son. Am I here? Am I in your head? You in mine? Damned if I can figure it out. 
Fraser: Well, finally, something you don't understand. 
Robert Fraser: Well there's lots of things I don't understand, Benton! How I lived all those years and didn't get to know my son. 
Fraser: You know I should be able to see his plan. I mean, there aren't that many variables. But no matter which way I twist it, I can't seem to see how he thinks he'll get away with it. I mean you don't double cross your partners then stay around town. You don't plan a get away and forget about your son. Unless you don't plan on getting away with it. 
Robert Fraser: How do you mean? 
Fraser: The only thing that explains his actions. 
Robert Fraser: I don't follow you. 
Fraser: No one would plan a double cross this intricate and leave the get away to chance. He did plan it through. He knew exactly what he was doing and he is not planning on getting away with it. 
Robert Fraser: Nobody plans to fail son, it doesn't make sense. 
Fraser: Yeah but it's the only logical solution, it doesn't have to make sense. 
Robert Fraser: What the hell does that mean? 
Fraser: Don't you see it? 
Robert Fraser: No! 
Fraser: Of course you do. It's obvious. 
Robert Fraser : I don't! 
Fraser: Really? 
Robert Fraser: No. 
Fraser: You don't? 
Robert Fraser: No. 
Fraser: Oh. 
Robert Fraser: But you do. Go bring em in son. That's what I taught you. 
[stake out, Fraser just shows up] 
Fraser: Anything happen? 
Vecchio: In what sense? 
Fraser: Is Del still in there? 
Vecchio: Yeah. Yeah. 
Ray's Dad: Twenty-four hours and you still haven't solved the case. 
Vecchio: Come on dad, it's Christmas day you want to give it a rest. 
Ray's Dad: Hey, if you don't care about your work, it's fine with me. 
[Porter apartment] 
Del: First time he went to prison I was six years old. Actually thought it was my fault. I thought if I didn't ask him for all those kid things kids ask their fathers for, you know like bikes and toys or whatever, that he wouldn't go out and steal and get them for me. When he got out I was so careful not to ask him for anything. Cause I thought that if I did he'd go out and do something like this again. You know all I ever wanted was him here with me but it didn't matter what I wanted, did it? He didn't even tell me about this he just went out and did it. Well you know what? This isn't my fault and he's not my responsibility. He can go back to jail. He can go to hell for all I care. 
Fraser: Oh he isn't going back to prison Del. That's not his plan at all. He's going to let you know where the money is. Then he'll kill the Donnelly's, then he'll kill himself. He'll make it look like the money was destroyed. You'll get it all. He's planning to die. And he's doing this for you. 
Del: You know when I was most proud of him? What do you want me to do? 
[Riv] 
Fraser: Let's go. 
Vecchio: Distillery....something closed down or abandoned. 
Elaine: O'Hare and Sons Distillery closed about ten years ago. South side 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Elaine. 
Jimmy: Hello William. I'm here. Well you're a man of your word William. Bring me that big gun I like. I almost never get to use it. 
[distillery] 
Vecchio: Okay, you got two minutes then I'm in there. 
*** 
William: You're one unlucky Canadian. 
Fraser: I'd be careful if I were you. I think you're standing in a pool of gasoline. 
William: I'm not interested in killing you. If you want to walk I'll let you. 
Fraser: I can't do that. You know it took me a while to figure out what you were doing. One doesn't ordinarily equate crime with self-sacrifice. 
William: I guess I'm going to have to take my offer back. 
Fraser: You went straight William. Along time six years. 
William: I love how people like you think that earning four dollars an hour is great and noble. I couldn't afford to buy my kid a Christmas gift. That's not noble. It's pathetic. 
Fraser; I don't think your son would see it that way. 
William: You know what my son saw? He saw Santa work twelve hours a day at a job he hated and then came home and worked another six hours at a job nobody wanted to pay him for. The only thing I ever showed my kid was how to be a loser. 
Fraser: And you thought robbing a bank would win his respect? 
William: Respect? Oh. Oh I haven't thought about that in a longtime. All I wanted was three dollars. Three dollars for the whole year and I'da made it. I was standing there at the counter with his gift in my hand. The girl says to me you're three dollars short. I started laughing. I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna have a heart attack right there in that department store. I suddenly realized that if I died right then and there, I'da left my son sixty two dollars, some lousy manuscripts and a lot of excuses and that's not good enough, that's - that's not enough to leave your son. 
Fraser: You know William, I think there is only one thing a father needs to leave his son and that's a good example of how a man should live his life. Anything else the son can learn from himself. The greatest gift my father ever gave me was the courage to trust my own abilities. And I learned that through his example. You know you can give your son anything you want. But if you don't leave him a good example of how to be a man, you leave him nothing. That's what you'll leave Del. Nothing. 
Vecchio: Put the lighter away William, you don't want to do this. 
William: You stay put. 
Vecchio: Nobody has to die here. 
James: Now look at this Cameron. It's a Christmas party. 
Vecchio: Drop the gun. 
Cameron: Stuff it. 
William: Jimmy. 
Jimmy: Now you weren't' being totally frank with us were you William? 
William: You want to kill me Jimmy? You want to do that? Go ahead. 
Jimmy: That erector set I got you last Christmas was obviously a mistake. 
Vecchio: You can't get away with this. 
Fraser: Actually he can Ray. Everyone involved in the robbery will die so his son is safe from retribution. There's enough cash in that bag to convince the forensic experts that the money was destroyed in the blaze. The police will stop looking for it. All he has to do is drop that bottle. He gets away with it. 
Vecchio: Thank you for backing me up on this one Benny. 
Fraser: Sorry Ray. It's your decision William. Do you leave something for your son or do you steal from him? 
William: Drop it. Drop it. (to Ray) Not you you moron. 
Vecchio: Sorry. 
[jail] 
William: Hi. Looks like I screwed up our Christmas plans. 
Del: Yeah, it's okay. 
William: US Attorneys agreed to three to five. 
Del: That's good. 
William: You'll be a man before I get out. 
Del: I'll be all right. Aunt Celia's a cool guy you know. 
William: I'm sorry Del. I'm really sorry. 
Del: I got you something Dad. 
William: Thanks. It's beautiful. It must have cost you a fortune. I used to have one just like this. You were six then. How do you remember that? 
Del: I used to watch you write. You know I'd think, uh, that's my dad. 
William: I didn't get you anything son. 
Del: Yes you did. 
[Fraser's apartment] 
Fraser: You know, I think you're wrong about Sam Dalton. Cases weren't entirely dissimilar. Dad? You still here? 
*** 
Robert Fraser: Merry Christmas Son. Merry Christmas. 

End of Gift of the Wheelman
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

You Must Remember This 

Vecchio: I give you that shot a hundred times you'll never make it again. Looked like something you'd do on ice skates. This ain't hockey Fraser okay? This is basket ball. A good American game. 
Fraser: Well perhaps it has become Americanized Ray, but like many things Americans lay claim to it originated elsewhere. 
Fraser: Get out of here. 
Fraser: No, it's a fact. Basketball was invented by a Canadian. 
Vecchio: Look, just because some fisherman once slam dunked a halibut into a net-- 
Fraser: Actually it was a minister who used a soccer ball and he nailed a peach basket to either end of the gym. 
Vecchio: Oh this is very sad, Fraser 
Fraser: Course Reverend Neismith eventually immigrated to the United States. As a matter of fact he was working at a YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts of all places when he--Stop the car. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: That car is parked in the fire zone. 
Vecchio: So? 
Fraser: Well for one thing it's dangerous and for another it's disrespectful to the law. 
Vecchio: Fraser, parking illegally in this town is a sport. 
Fraser: Alright, I'll catch up. 
Vecchio: Hey! Hey you're gonna drive my insurance rates through the roof. 
*** 
Fraser: Excuse me sir. Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Perhaps you didn't notice that sign when you parked your car but you're in a fire zone. 
Bodine: Oh is that so? 
Fraser: Yes and the problem is you see, if the trucks come they wouldn't have a source for their fire hoses. 
Bodine: You do know what you can do with your fire hoses? 
Fraser: Ah, well, yes, if I was unable to circumvent your vehicle, I'd pull up that sign, drive it through the side windows, and run my hoses in between. But that's just me. 
Bodine: Leave me alone, Jocko. 
Vecchio: Hey, hey. License and registration pal. 
Bodine: Register this. 
*** 
Vecchio: I think I hit a tire. 
*** 
Suzanne: Hi. We better get you out of the street. You'll be okay here. I've gotta go. 
Vecchio: Who are you? 
Suzanne: Long story. 
Vecchio: Stay. 
Suzanne: I'd like to. 
Vecchio: God you're beautiful. 
*** 
Vecchio: There was this woman. 
Paramedic: Uh huh 
Vecchio: I just opened my eyes and there she was. The most beautiful woman I ever saw. 
Paramedic: Uh huh. 
Paramedic: How long was he unconscious? 
Fraser: Four maybe five minutes. 
Vecchio: She pulled me to safety and then she kissed me. 
Paramedic: Uh huh. 
Fraser: She kissed you? 
Vecchio: On the lips. 
Paramedic: Head injury. It happens. 
Fraser: Did she speak to you? 
Vecchio: She wanted to stay. I know she did then she was gone. She wants me to find her Fraser. 
Paramedic: Uh huh. 
Vecchio: You want to stop with the uh huh-ing? 
Fraser: Do you remember what she looked like? 
Vecchio: She looked exquisite. 
Fraser and Paramedic: Uh huh. 
***
Officer 1: Definite hit and run. Skid marks everywhere. Nobody saw the driver? 
Fraser: She must have gone that way. 
Vecchio: What do you mean she? 
Fraser: Well there was no one else on the street Ray. 
Vecchio: You think it was her? She saved my life! 
Fraser: Well yes, she did. After she hit you. 
*** 
Officer 2: There's something you have to see. 
Vecchio: I tell you it was an accident. She's driving at night in a strange neighborhood with bad street lights. Okay, Okay, so maybe she was near-sided. 
(Fraser nods) 
Officer 2: He actually stopped a guy on the south side to lecture him about fire safety. 
Vecchio: Well, it's Saturday night and he's Canadian 
Officer after opening trunk with weapons in it: Good call. 
*** 
Elaine: Okay, so I ran the plate on that car you brought in last night. Vehicles registered to a Frank Bodine. 1177 West Flournoy Apartment twelve. He's got fourteen hundred and fifteen unpaid parking tickets and an expired registration. 
Vecchio: Any priors? 
Elaine: That's a different program. This is just vehicular. 
*** 
Elaine: So Fraser, how's the apartment furnishing coming along? 
Fraser: Very well thank you, Elaine. As a matter of fact, I recently purchased a lamp. 
Elaine: Really? A lamp. 
Fraser: Very good for reading. 
Elaine: Is that what you do at night? 
Vecchio: Elaine we've got work to do here. 
Elaine: So what are you reading with this new lamp? 
Fraser: Well, I've been reading a book about currency watermarks. 
Elaine: Alone? Here we go. Bodine, Frank, aka Frank Bumington. Aug. 89 breaking and entering. One year. Suspended. March 9, receiving stolen property, got 18 months in Juliet. Did eight. November 94 Possession of illegal weapons, case pending. $250,000 bail posted. 
Vecchio: no wonder he didn't want us running his license. What about the woman? 
Elaine: You know, funny thing, I'm having trouble matching the word exquisite to a lot of mug shots. 
*** 
Welsh: You want me to authorize a stakeout for a weapons violation? 
Vecchio: Assault weapon sir. A whole trunk of them. We can put out a APB on this guy but he's one nasty piece of work and I don't think he's just coming in for anybody so naturally I'm thinking stakeout. 
Welsh: Right. I can't blame you Vecchio. Stakeout is such a romantic notion. In fact I'm still tingling from the last one you asked me to authorize. 
Fraser: Oh, the hotel scam, sir? That wasn't your average stakeout sir. 
Welsh: Oh it certainly was not. I remember the hotel bill as if it were yesterday. Poolside cabana suites, aquatic arobic lessons. 
Vecchio: Suspect liked to swim sir. 
Welsh: The thrill of totally up that four thousand dollar mini bar tab. 
Vecchio: Aw it's the honey roasted peanuts sir. One bag and they got you. 
Welsh: Do you ever feed this wolf? 
Fraser: I'm so terribly sorry sir but I think it's the urban influence. He seems to have developed a real taste for fast food. 
Welsh: Alright, two teams, two spotters, one apartment, no mini bar. You don't get him by Friday, that's it. 
Vecchio: Right. 
Welsh: If I give him some, will he stop? 
Fraser: Not a chance, sir. 
*** 
Fraser: Thank you kindly, Leftenant. 
*** 
Huey: So how are things at work. 
Lewis: I don't want to talk about it. 
Huey: Well talk about it. 
Lewis: We won't talk about it. 
Huey: It's about time, Vecchio. 
Vecchio: Ah come on I'm only five minutes late. 
Huey: Five minutes too late Vecchio. 
*** 
Huey: Hey how you doing? 
Vecchio: You guys play any cards while we were away> 
Lewis: We were messing around a little. 
*** 
Huey: How many more Fraser? 
Fraser: Uh, none----- 
Huey: None 
Vecchio: Give me three. It's all about signs. 
Louis: Two. What do you mean signs? 
Vecchio: Women give men signs to let them know they're the right woman for you. 
Louis: She hit you with a car. You call that a sign? 
Fraser: You know when the French fall in love they say they've been hit by a 
Louis: Huh? 
Vecchio: Huh? 
Huey: What? 
Fraser: A bolt of lightening. Love is a very disorienting emotion. As a matter of fact they've done experiments that demonstrate that hamsters when they are mating secret a hormone that makes them behave irresponsibly. 
Vecchio: Do you know how my father knew my mother was the right woman for him? 
Three. 
Vecchio: Cheese cake. 
Huey: Look, I hate to interrupt but are we playing cards here or are we talking about cheesecake. 
Fraser: Alright, alright. I'm in. 
Huey: Thank you. 
Vecchio: He was at his brother Angelo's wedding in Gary? And everyone was having a great time. They were drinkin wine, makin toasts and eatin. And all of a sudden he looks across the room and he sees this woman sitting there all by herself eatin cheese cake with a knife and fork. I mean, come on, how often do you see a person eaten cheese cake with a knife and fork? They either eat it with their fingers or just the fork. 
Louis: It that why he married her? Because she was eating a piece of cheesecake with a knife and a fork? 
Fraser: No Gardino, it was a sign. That's how he knew she was the right woman for him. She was a lady. 
Huey: You gonna call or what? 
Louis: I don't know. Look, I can't see why we don't play for real money, I mean, we're cops. What are we gonna do, arrest ourselves? 
Vecchio: No, but he will. 
Fraser: I'm sorry, I would be honor-bound. 
Huey: Great. I think there's two million women on this planet you could be happy with. I mean you meet one and you got to ask yourself is this number one? Number two million or number six hundred and seventeen. It's a crap shoot you know. You could settle for six hundred and seventeen and tomorrow meet number eleven. I raise. 
Louis: Okay then Phyllis was number two million and one. She drove me crazy. She had a voice like a parakeet. Never shut up. Then there was Vanessa. She was number two million and two. She came from a family of meat packers. You visit your in-laws on a Sunday and come home smelling like a pork roast. 
Huey: You gonna raise Fraser? 
Fraser: Well I'm just wondering if I should. Perhaps you could refresh my memory. Does a straight beat when they are all the same kind? 
Huey: Not even in Canada. 
Louis: I got trips. You know the only sign I ever got was from Janice and that took five years. 
Huey: What was it? 
Louis: From her lawyer. Came in the mail. 
*** 
Vecchio: So there we were parked in the Rivera it's two o'clock in the morning and she asks me where I think this relationship was going. 
Huey: Look--call or fold. 
Vecchio: I mean come on. What kind of question is that to ask someone at two o'clock in the morning. 
Fraser: Perhaps she was just being prudent. 
Huey: Are you in? 
Vecchio: Fraser, who is prudent has any business being in love. I'm telling you man, it was a beautiful summer night and there was a breeze coming in off the lake. This is no time to sit and talk about the future. 
Huey: The future is "It's gonna be noon before we finish this game." 
Louis: Talk is bad. You talk and before you know it, it's all over, you're married. 
Vecchio: Right! And then what? What about love? What about that moment when you know this is the woman you want to spend every waking hour with for the rest of your life. 
*** 
Huey: Okay, My turn. I call. Look at this, I'm playing poker with myself. 
Vecchio: I'm telling you, you've got to have that special woman in your life or you know you'll never ever be the same again. 
Fraser: When it happens, how do you know? 
Vecchio: You just know. You just know. And that's what happen to me on Saturday night. I got the sign. 
Louis: Now all ya got to do is find her. 
Vecchio: Hey, I'll find her, I'll find her. 
Louis: I got a flush. 
Fraser: Well I'm sorry Louise it would appear I have a Royal House. 
Huey: A what? A full house Fraser. 
Fraser: Oh, so it is. I'm terribly sorry. 
Huey: Look at this? A Mountie sand bagging. Who ever heard of a Mountie sand bagging? 
Vecchio: You only meet the woman of your dreams once in a lifetime. I'll find her. Just watch. 
Huey: Meanwhile, you want to deal? 
Fraser: Huh? 
Huey: Deal. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah. 
*** 
Fraser: You know, there was a woman once, Ray. We were, uh... I don't know what we were. In the end I tracked her up above the 62nd parallel into a place called Fortitude Pass. A storm had been blowing for days; the whole world was white. By the time I found her I had lost everything --my packs, my supplies, my -- everything. She was huddled in the lee side of a mountain crag. She was almost frozen, very near death. So I staked a lean-to and draped my coat across it, drew her inside, and I covered her body with mine and I just held her...while the storm closed around us like a blanket, until all I could hear was the sound of her heartbeat, weakening. I forced her to speak to me...just talk to me ...say anything to keep the cold from taking her. And it snowed for a day...and a night...and a day. I was delirious; I almost gave up. The only thing I had to hold onto was the sound of her voice, which never wavered. She recited a poem. You know a funny thing, I must have heard that poem a thousand times that night; I never heard the words. It ended ...badly. She had a ... she had a darkness inside her ... and the most beautiful voice. The most beautiful voice you've ever heard. 
*** 
Undercover Cop: Somebody entering the building. 
Vecchio: Copy. Someone's coming in. 
Fraser: She's in the apartment. She's found the wardrobe. She's taking some clothes. 
Vecchio: Fraser, it's her. 
Fraser: Now she's coming outside. Dief! Oh that is it. You're cut off Bucko. 
Undercover Cop: Police, hold it. 
Vecchio: There she goes Fraser. The woman of my dreams. 
*** 
Vecchio: Oh that wasn't a sign Fraser, it was an omen. Why didn't I see it? 
Fraser: Well anyone can have a lapse in judgement Ray. 
Vecchio: No, this isn't a lapse. This is my life Fraser. You know every time I think I've found the right woman she turns out to be the wrong one. The one I thought was wrong I'd make a date and never show up. Six months later I'm sitting in a pew and I'm watching her walk down the aisle with some goomba and I'm thinking that's her, that's the one. How did I let her slip through my fingers? 
Fraser: Uh, Ray. 
Vecchio: This one. This one I would have bet my soul on. Here she is working for Frank Bodine. 
Fraser: Ray slow down. 
Vecchio: No no no I'll lose her. 
Fraser: No, watch. You slow down, she'll slow down. She has no intention of losing you Ray. 
Vecchio: You mean she's a decoy. She tricked us? God why do I love that? 
Fraser: The apartment. 
Vecchio: Hang on. 
Suzanne: They made me Frank, get out of there. 
Vecchio: He's gone. We missed em. 
Fraser: The wardrobe is closed. She left it open. What did he need so badly to go to all that trouble to get? 
Vecchio: She was in and out of here is thirty seconds. She knew exactly where everything was. 
Fraser: He's been staying at this apartment for three days now what do we know about this man? 
Vecchio: You think she's been living here with him? 
Fraser: We know he's nearsided. The TV is too close to the easy chair. And when we met him he wasn't wearing glasses. Maybe contact lenses? 
Vecchio: Ah -- just because she's doing his dirty work doesn't mean that she's -- 
Fraser: He went to the wardrobe. Now what is in here. 
Vecchio: Well I don't know Fraser. Some of her stuff some of his stuff. How am I suppose to know. 
Fraser: These sheets have hospital corners. 
Vecchio: Oh thank god they aren't floral. Only a woman buys floral. 
Fraser: It's something learned in the army Ray. 
Vecchio: Not with a rap sheet like his. 
Fraser: What if he were in the National Guard? 
Vecchio: Well that would give him access to weapons. 
Fraser: It's missing. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: What's the one thing a guardsman's never suppose to be without. His uniform. That's what he came back for Ray, his uniform. 
Vecchio: What for? 
*** 
Elaine: Sgt in the National Guard, 85 through 88. 
Vecchio: Still active? 
Elaine: With his record? 
Vecchio: Check anyway and get me the name and location of every unit he's been a member of. 
Elaine: 67th Regiment Armory, 67 Walbash. 
Vecchio: Got em. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly Elaine. 
*** 
Vecchio: Why can't I meet some nice young thing that's crazy about me? You know, someone who wears shorty pajamas and makes me muffins at Christmas time. Is that too much to ask? 
Fraser: What exactly are shorty pajamas? 
Vecchio: Oh, don't ask. You're better off. Me. I gotta fall for some hit-and-run driver who works for a stolen weapons dealer. Go figure. 
Fraser: Go figure what? 
Vecchio: It's an American expression, Fraser. Don't you think it's about time you picked up the lingo? 
*** 
Bodine: Cops. Come on baby, take out the cops, take em out. 
*** 
Fraser: She had the perfect shot Fraser, she almost killed me. 
Fraser: No she didn't Ray. She missed you by seventeen centimeters. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: She was firing a Barretta 9mm, the light was at her back. The truck was barely moving. I pulled this out of the wall from behind you. 

Vecchio: What are you saying? She missed me on purpose? 

Fraser: Her trajectory was off line by almost eight degrees which almost impossible to do unless you're trying. 
Vecchio: Why? 
Fraser: I don't know. 
Vecchio: But maybe I do. Maybe I saw it in her eyes. 
Fraser: Ray you've only known this woman a few seconds while you had a concussion. 
Vecchio: Well it doesn't matter Fraser. I mean 10 seconds, 10 years, chemistry is chemistry. I figure Bodine's got something on her. Maybe she did something foolish when she was young and Bodine is blackmailing her into helping him. 
Fraser: Well I suppose it's a theory but-- 
Vecchio: She really wants to get out. That's why she's sending me signals Fraser, she wants me to rescue her. 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, maybe you shouldn't think about this right now. 
Vecchio: No I mean come on how often does a thing like this happen. Has it ever happened to you? 
Fraser: Well I I uh 
Vecchio: Of course not, you're a Mountie. What does a Mountie know about women? I think I'm in love with her Fraser. 
*** 
Bodine: It's freezing in here. When's the coffee going to be ready. 

Suzanne: Soon as you make it. 

Bodine: Oh great. Why don't they call, huh? Sold them a half a million bucks worth of weapons and I have to deal with flakes? Is the phone turned on? Leave it on the table. You know I still don't know how you missed that cop. 
Suzanne: Neither do I. Off day I guess. 
Bodine: Well I don't like that cop or his fruitcake Mountie friend. We should take em both out. 
Suzanne: You should learn how to relax Frank. How are you ever going to enjoy that half a million if you can't learn to relax? 
Bodine: He's a Mountie. These Mounties they catch you sooner or later. I hate that. 
Suzanne: That's not real life, Frank, that's Rocky and Bullwinkle. 
Bodine: Call me when the coffee's ready. 
*** 
Suzanne on tape: They made me Frank, get out of there. 
Fraser: Is that her voice? 
Vecchio: She's doing it under duress. 
Louis: Right. She shot at you under duress, too. 
Huey: Was that the only call in or out? 
Elaine: There was one wrong number, someone trying o sell life insurance. 
Huey: What the hell were you doing following her? 
Vecchio: She took some clothes out of Bodine's apartment. 
Louis: Hey! You don't quit a stake out. 
Vecchio: Oh is that so? 
Lewis: Yeah. Well unless you've got a little thing for that babe who's decoying you. 
Vecchio: Did I ask your opinion? Did anybody in this room ask for Detective Gardino's opinion? 
Fraser: Can you give me the number she was calling from? 
Elaine: Sure but she called from her car. It was a cell phone. 
Huey: No, you've never gonna track a cell. It's a nightmare. 
Fraser: Not really. Not if you've tracked caribou. 
Vecchio: Fraser? Let's try this one more time. Okay? We're in Chicago. We are not tracking caribou, we're tracking gun runners. 
Fraser: No no, I understand Ray, but I think we can catch them the same way. What we need is a map of the companies antenna locations. 
*** 
Bodine: What time is it? 
Suzanne: Two-twenty. 
Bodine: They said two o'clock. 
Suzanne: I know 
Bodine: I should have gotten half the money up front that way they couldn't stiff me. Why didn't you figure that? 
Suzanne: I did, but what do I know. 
*** 
Vecchio: So what's it called again? 
Fraser: It's called triangulation, Ray. It's the same technique that game wardens use to track caribou herds. 
Vecchio: Well that's fascinating Fraser, but the last caribou spotted in Chicago was over three hundred years ago. 
Elaine: That was the cell phone company they found her number and picked up signals. Here, near Carpentersville. Farmland mostly. Not too many folks with mobile phones in those parts.
Fraser: Does the phone have to be in use to pick up the signal? 
Elaine: No it just has to be on to receive calls. It admits a signal unless the powers off. That's the good news. 
Vecchio: Elaine, we are attempting to track criminals as though they were fur-bearing animals. What news could be bad? 
Elaine: The grid covers an area of over twenty square miles. 
Unless you plan to go door to door. 
Vecchio: Okay Fraser, How do we find the herd. 
*** 
Fraser: The cellular phone company sent a signal from their antenna to a phone. The phone sends a signal back. We draw a line on the map of that location of the signal, then we move to another location, trip the signal again and draw another line. That's our triangulation. Wherever those lines meet on the map that's where we'll find Bodine. 
Vecchio: If I find her, I have to arrest her too, end of story. 
Fraser: Well, yes. 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
*** 
Bodine: Yeah. Uh huh. Where? We'll meet you there in an hour. Pack your bikini baby. 
*** 
Fraser: We're getting something. There. 
*** 
Vecchio: You take the barn. I'll take the house. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Oh never mind. 
*** 
Suzanne: I'm sorry. 
*** 
Suzanne: Frank! 
*** 
Fraser: You all right? 
Vecchio: She kissed me. 
Fraser: After she hit you? 
Vecchio: I'm gonna see her in jail Fraser, if it's the last thing I do. 
Fraser: Sorry. 
*** 
Fraser: This road intercepts with the main highway in five point two kilometers. 
Vecchio: I want her Fraser. 
Fraser: If we can stop them from getting to the highway. 
Vecchio: I'm gonna put this chick away for a long time. She'll be 90 before they let her out. 
Fraser: Perhaps you should radio for backup. 
Vecchio: She's not going to do this to me no more. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Huh? 
Fraser: It might be a good idea to radio the sheriff's station and request backup. 
Vecchio: Great. Patch me through to the Cain County Sheriff's Station. 
*** 
Bodine: How long before we hit the highway. 
Suzanne: A few more minutes. 
*** 
Vecchio: Armed robbery, attempted murder. Assault and battery on a police officer. What do you figure? Forty to life? 
Fraser: I don't know Ray. 
Vecchio: Hard time in Joliet. 
Fraser: Slow down. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: There's a road up on the right. 
Vecchio: There they are. 
*** 
Bodine: Damn it it's them. Floor it baby. Go! Go! 
*** 
Bodine: Go-go-go! Go-go-go! Cut em off! Cut em off. The other way. Go-go-go back! Go-go-go! Come on! 
*** 
Fraser: You're sure this is a good idea. 
Vecchio: Yes Fraser. 
Fraser: You're quite sure. 
Vecchio: Yes. 
*** 
Suzanne: Now what? 
Bodine: Go round it. 
Suzanne: No road. 
Bodine: What's the matter with you? Go through it! 
*** 
Fraser: Ray, I don't mean to press the point but we're standing behind a 1971 Buick Riviera. They, on the other hand, are hurtling down a hill at roughly 47 miles an hour in a six ton, steel-plated military weapons carrier. 
Vecchio: Works for me. 
Fraser: Very good. 
*** 
Bodine: Go through it. 
Suzanne: No! 
*** 
Fraser: Oh there you are. Out of donuts are we? 
*** 
Vecchio: Are you alright? 
Suzanne: What happened? 
Vecchio: It's a long story. You need an ambulance. 
Suzanne: No. Stay. Stay. 
Vecchio: Love to. Are you okay to walk? 
Suzanne: I think so. 
Vecchio: Good. Good. Come on. Come on. Get up. 
Suzanne: Oh, oh. 
Vecchio: Get out of here. 
Suzanne: What? 
Vecchio: Get out of here. You can cut through the woods. You gotta get to the highway. 
Suzanne: You're letting me go? I tried to kill you three times. 
Vecchio: Are you deaf? Get the hell out of here. 
Suzanne: Special Agent Suzanne Chapin. Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. You just screwed up five months of work, Detective. 
*** 
Vecchio: Gonna ask for my shield, Fraser. Nine years on the force down the drain. 
Fraser: There were mittigating circumstances Ray. 
Vecchio: She's a fed Fraser. I offered to let her go. She's gonna put that in her report and three minutes later Welsh is gonna call me in his office and ask for my shield and they'll be right. I would have bet my soul on her, Fraser. Stupid. 
*** 
Huey: Well if you ask me he woulda been better off if she'd just hit him and left him dead on the pavement. 
Louis: See? That is the trouble with signs. You get the right sign from the wrong woman you end up paying for it for the rest of your life. Better he never saw that sign. Better it never happened. 
Elaine: Then how would you know. 
Louis: How would I know what? 
Elaine: If you never saw the sign how would you know if you were wrong or right? 
Louis: You don't know. You just go on taking chances. Like every other dumb shomo. See that is the great thing about love. It evens the odds. Anyone can be completely humiliated. 
Elaine: Well if there was a sing I could tell by the way he blew his nose or tipped his hat. I'd want to know. 
Louis: Women don't have signs. Men have signs. Women have biological imperatives. It's true. I read it. 
Elaine: Gee, Gardino, it's no wonder your wife left you for a pork roast. 
Huey:What? 
Huey: Lt. wants to see you Vecchio. 
Louis: Yeah and bring your play book. 
*** 
Welsh: Come in. Yeah, sit down Vecchio. 
Vecchio: Oh I'd rather stand sir. 
Welsh: Suit yourself. I have Special Agent Shafer's report on the Bodine arrest here. Would you like me to read the relevant passage? 
Vecchio: Yeah sure why not? 
Welsh: We were able to seize eight hundred and fifty assault weapons and put Frank Bodine in custody. This arrest could not have been accomplished without the assistance of Detective Ray Vecchio who was instrumental in bringing this operation to a satisfactory conclusion. His hard work and courage in the face of danger was exemplary. Congratulations Detective .
Vecchio: I'm sorry sir? 
Welsh: I said congratulations. 
Vecchio: Yeah, yes. Thank you sir. 
*** 
Vecchio: I gotta find her, Fraser. 
Fraser: I took the liberty. Regent's Park Hotel. 
Vecchio: Thanks 
*** 
Suzanne: You want something, Detective? 
Vecchio: That kiss meant something. 
Suzanne: Yeah it meant step closer so I can hit you. 
Vecchio: You must be really good at your job. 
Suzanne: 
Vecchio: What do you take me for? Some kind of jerk? What do you think you can just walk away and never not spend the rest of your life wishing you had the guts to say it? 
Suzanne: It was a job. 
Vecchio: Then why didn't you report me? 
Suzanne: Come on, who needs the paperwork? 
*** 
Vecchio: Go on. 
*** 
Vecchio: That's it, Fraser, that's the sign. 
Fraser: What is Ray? 
Vecchio: The look. She left me, but she left me for the wrong reason. She loves me. 
Fraser: But she's gone. 
Vecchio: Well that's what's right for us. Maybe some day it won't be but now it is. 
Fraser: But you might never see each other again. 
Vecchio: Exactly. That's what we need - ridiculous odds and just a speck of hope that someday we'll beat them. 
Fraser: I can't say I understand that, Ray. 
Vecchio: Well of course you don't! You aren't too swift at this stuff, are you, Fraser? 

End of a You Must Remember This
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Hawk and A Handsaw

[hall of hospital] 
Vecchio: You know I have to do this every two years and I still get the jitters. 
Fraser: Trust your own judgement Ray. Be honest with them. 
Vecchio: This is a psyche review Benny not a confessional. Now if you tell them what's really on your mind, you'll spend the rest of your career filling out traffic reports. Now if I say mother to you, what is the first thing that pops into your mind. 
Fraser: Father. 
Vecchio: Brother. 
Fraser: Sister. 
Vecchio: Okay, that's good. It's the easy ones that trip you up. Mother, father, brother, sister, mother, father, brother, sister. 
Fraser: Ray, these are professionals. Won't they know if you've rehearsed your answers? 
Vecchio: Oh they may suspect but they won't be able to prove it. Now I go in there unprepared and they say brother and I say naked I'm gonna be explaining myself away for the next two weeks. 
Fraser: You'd say naked? 
Vecchio: I'm talking hypothetically. 
Fraser: I'm sorry Ray but it sounds like you're drawing from personal experience. 
Vecchio: Well you know, me and my brother used to take baths together when we were younger. What's wrong with that? 
Fraser: Well nothing. It just seems like an odd response. 
Vecchio: Ya see? Ya see? Even you're reading stuff into that. You say something innocent like that and the next thing you know they're trying to convince you that you have dreams of seeing your mother naked. 
Fraser: You have dreams of your mother naked? 
Vecchio: I said brother. 
Fraser: You said mother. 
Vecchio: I know what I said. I said brother. It's my dream, I should know who's in it. 
Fraser: Well how long you been having this dream? 
Vecchio: There is no dream. I made it up. 
Fraser: I'm sure it doesn't mean anything Ray. 
Voice: All staff on fifth floor unit. Emergency. 
Nurse 1: How did he get out of the ward? 
Nurse 2: I don't know. 
Nurse 1: Jumper. 
Fraser: What's his name? 
Nurse 1: He's a John Doe. Come on. 
[on ledge] 
Fraser: Hi. How we doing today? 
Walter: I can't find him! 
Fraser: Who's that? 
Walter: Oh man. I gotta stop him. He's really gonna hurt himself. 
Fraser: There's no one else out here. 
Walter: Yes there is. I saw him. He was out here. I saw him out here. 
Fraser: Well maybe I can help. 
Vecchio: Don't go near him Benny, He'll take you down with him. 
Walter: Oh how? How you gonna help? 
Fraser: Well, I'm a Mountie. 
Walter: A Mountie? You don't look like a Mountie. 
Fraser: Well you know, the red uniform it's really mostly for special occasions. Although they do seem to insist that I wear mine more often-- 
Walter: You always get your man that 
Fraser: You know that's a popular misconception. It really isn't our motto. It was invented by the writer of an early black and white movie. Our actual motto? Maintain the right. Which admittedly may not be as-- 
Vecchio: Benny! 
Fraser: Yes. Yes we do often get our man. 
Walter: Okay. He told me to meet him at the house. He wasn't there and it's not my fault. Not my fault I was late. I missed the bridge. 
Fraser: Yeah, that can happen. 
Walter: That's right huh? So do you know where he is? 
Vecchio: Fraser, just tell him what he wants to hear. 
Fraser: No I don't. 
Walter: Well then I am too late. He's down there. He's down there isn't he? 
Fraser: No. He's inside. I saw him inside. 
Walter: You saw Ty? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Nurse: Where the Hell's a doctor. They never around? 
Danny: Let's get you back to your ward, okay? 
Walter: Where is he? Where is Ty? Hey, he's not here. Where is Ty? 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Walter: Hey you lied to me. But he's not here, you lied to me. 
Danny: Come on. 
Walter: Why did you lie to me? Look you've got to stop him for me. Ya gotta find him for me, please! 
Vecchio: What ya gonna do, huh? 
Fraser: Find Ty. 
[Bus headquarters] 
Vecchio: Oh come on Fraser, he said he was looking for Ty. For all we know we could be looking for an article of clothing. 
Fraser: We'll start with what we know. We know from Elaine that John Doe was taken to the hospital after being turned in by a bus driver. 
Vecchio: Yeah, five years ago. 
Bus driver: It's been almost that long since I've been behind a wheel. 
Fraser: You remember him? 
Bus driver: Hard to forget. Poor guy. He rode my bus for weeks. Kept wanting me to take him to some house. 
Fraser: Did you always drive the same route? 
Bus driver: Route number nine. You know I still don't know what he meant though. Seemed harmless enough. He in some kind of trouble? 
Vecchio: No. 
Fraser: Yes. What did he do? 
Bus driver: Just ride it. One end to the other looking out the window. I never made him pay. It didn't seem right seeing I wasn't actually taking him anywhere. Anyway, my shift ends and he wouldn't get off. He kept saying I had to take him there now. I reached over to take his arm and he takes a swing at me. He wouldn't get off no matter, what could I do? I called the cops. 
Vecchio: Well we don't have a record of charges filed. 
Bus driver: Nah. I didn't have the heart to lock him up. Cops said they'd take him to the psyche ward for seventy two hours. Check him out. I figured couple, three days with some doctor's probably do him some good. 
Vecchio: Well he's been in there ever since. No I.D. No name. No home. Possibly violent. He's one of the few they didn't dump in the streets. 
Bus driver: Jeese. 
Fraser: Do you remember where he wanted to go? 
Bus driver: No, uh, I don't know, uh. Mark's house, Marty's house, uh, it's been five years. 
Fraser: Well we appreciate your time. 
Bus driver: Listen fellas, if I'd known they were gonna lock him up, I'd've never made that call. You know what I mean. I might have just - Mike's house. That's it. Mike's house. I can't believe I remembered that. Human mind, pretty weird thing, huh? 
Fraser: Yes it is. 
[bus] 
Vecchio: Why are you doing this to me Fraser? 
Fraser: Well I told him I'd help. 
Vecchio: You tell that to everybody. So what are we going to do sit on this bus until Ty gets on? 
Fraser: You know, I looked into that man's eyes when I was on that ledge, Ray, and I saw a man who was lost. You can lose your job, you can lose you home and it could be devastating. But if you lose yourself you have nothing. 
Vecchio: Fraser, the guy was looking for Mike's house on a bus that travels a twelve mile circuit. Do you have any idea how many Mike's live on this bus route? No. And neither do I and neither does anybody. 
Fraser: We're on the wrong bus. 
Vecchio: This is the number nine. 
Fraser: Well he couldn't find the house again because he was on the wrong bus so he didn't make a transfer. 
Vecchio: Oh is that what it says there? Transfer here to Mike's house. 
Fraser: No. He told us. He was late because he missed the bridge. 
[standing at bus stop] 
Vecchio: Okay so let's say he transfers here, seven bus route's pass over this bridge. How are we going to know which bus he took? 
Fraser [to bus driver #1]: Excuse me, can you take us to Mike's House, please? 
Vecchio: Don't you think you're being a wee bit desperate? 
Fraser: Well since he asked the bus driver to take him to Mike's house, he must have had reason to think the bus driver knew where Mike's house was. 
Vecchio: Fraser, there's a guy on my corner who asks me every morning if I've seen God. Do you think he really expects me to point him out? 
Fraser: Well you know if you did Ray, perhaps he'd stop asking. [Ray nods][to driver #2] Excuse me, could you take us to Mike's house, please? [bus drives off] He didn't seem to know where it was. Ah, here comes another one. 
[on bus] 
Fraser: Well it did take seven tries Ray. 
Vecchio: I'm telling you this guy is taking us for a ride. He has no idea where Mike's house is. He's probably gonna drop us off in the middle of nowhere and laugh himself sick all the way back down town. 
Fraser: I wonder what Ty was doing that Mr. Doe felt he had to stop. 
Vecchio: Fraser, the guy's insane, he could be talking about Ty Cobb or Ty Babalonia. Maybe he wasn't her to stop figure skating, which by the way I prefer women stop immediately. 
Bus driver 7: This is your stop. Around the corner, first house on the right, you can't miss it. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: Yep, I can hear him laughing already. [they turn corner, the place is deserted] What did I tell ya? [chases bus] Stop! Stop! Police. Stop! I'm going to bust this guy for something. 
Bus driver 7: What's the problem. 
Vecchio: There's nothing there, Chuckles. 
Bus driver 7: They must have moved. It's a place nobodies asked to go in years. 
Fraser: Do you know where Mike is? 
Bus driver: I think he was killed in the fourteenth Century. 
Vecchio: Oh great, at least now we got a murder investigation on our hands. 
Bus driver: Sit down, sit down, I'll take you to the church. 
[St. Michael's] 
Behan: St. Michael's Halfway House for Troubled Juveniles. I thought that a little stuffy. Apparently so did the rest of the kids. Now they just call it Mike's House. The first one burned down about four years ago. We couldn't afford to rebuild so we just rented a place and reopened again. Too many of our young people are turning to crime. We try to subtly put a little bit of spirituality back into them. If they don't see it come, they may not know it happened. I just wish it had happened for Ty. 
Vecchio: Was he a bad kid? 
Behan: No just took to drugs. Showed great promise. Natural athlete. Looked after his brother Walter. Now Walter made all city. Now there was a nice boy. 
Fraser: May I? Ray? 
Behan: You know him? 
Fraser: Yes. Do you know where we could find Ty? 
Behan: He died about five years ago. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Fraser: Well thank you Father, you've been a great help. 
Behan: You're welcome. 
Vecchio: Oh so how did he die? 
Behan: Suicide. Climbed out on the ledge of his apartment. Jumped. Walter took it very hard. Blamed himself. He was late. Yeah, got home from work a few minutes after it happened. Poor lad, haven't seen him in years. I hope he's doing well. If you see him, tell him to drop by. 
Fraser: I will. Thank you Father. 
Behan: God bless. 
[outside hospital] 
Vecchio: So what you gonna tell him? 
Fraser: Well I don't know if he'll hear it, but I owe him the truth. When his brother died five years ago then there never was anyone on that ledge. [looks over the sidewalk under the ledge where Walter was going to jump] This concrete is white. 
Vecchio: Oh it's a color we like to use for sidewalks in America. 
Fraser: You know, the Inuit have sixty words to describe snow, Ray, one third of them concern the color. 
Vecchio: Eskimos don't have a lot to do in the winter, huh? 
Fraser: Compare this patch with the rest I think you'll discover this area has been bleached. And recently. Someone was on that ledge, Ray. And they ended up here. 
[riv] 
Vecchio: Look just let it go okay Fraser? His brother killed himself and then he went nuts. Now I feel for the guy but overly clean cement is not enough evidence. 
Fraser: I think he saw someone on that ledge Ray. The similarity between the incidences made him believe it was his-- 
Vecchio: The guy is crazy. 
Fraser: Delusional people don't simply make things up. 
Vecchio: Yes they do. That's the unique quality that makes them delusional. 
Fraser: No-no, what I mean is that their delusions are usually grounded in something drawn from the real world. They may be distort, they may be exaggerated, they may be joggled, they may be romanticized. 
Vecchio: All right, all right. If somebody jumped, where's the body. 
Fraser: Why I'm sure it'll show up. 
Elaine [over the radio]: Vecchio, they just fished a body out of the river near Michigan. The lt. says he'll meet you down there. 
Vecchio: On the way. Look it doesn't prove anything okay? Bodies turn up everyday in this city. 
Fraser: No I'm sure that's the case. 
Vecchio: Oh all right, what's your theory? The guy jumped from the fifth floor of the hospital, caught a thermal updraft and flew the sixteen blocks to the river? 
Fraser: Well that's just silly Ray. 
Vecchio: It's a joke. 
[river] 
Welsh: Morning Detective. 
Vecchio: Ah, morning lieutenant. 
Welsh: You know I was trying to figure out why I missed you so much yesterday afternoon then I realized, you weren't there. Now perhaps you can explain Detective, how an entire working day can go by without you doing any actual police work. 
Vecchio: A missing person sir. 
Welsh: Who? 
Vecchio: Ty. 
Welsh: Ty. 
Vecchio: Yes sir. 
Welsh: Babalonia. 
Vecchio: Uh, no sir. 
Welsh: Ah it's too bad. We don't see enough of her anymore. 
Vecchio: Ah no we don't sir. 
Welsh: Are you aware we have a naked corpse over there? 
Vecchio: Uh, yes I am sir. Oh...I'll uh, go check that out sir. 
Welsh: Good thinking. 
Vecchio: Got a cause of death? 
Pearson: You want to know before tomorrow, talk to a gypsy. 
Vecchio: All right, look, see the Mountie over there? Tell him he drowned. 
Pearson: Forget it. 
Vecchio: Come on, there's no law against lying to Canadians. I'd owe you one. 
Pearson: Like you'd ever have something I'd want. 
Fraser: It would appear he was dead before he hit the water. 
Vecchio: You haven't even looked at the body yet. 
Fraser: Good morning Dr. Pearson. Am I right? 
Vecchio: The ice maiden ain't talking. 
Pearson: You're right. 
Vecchio: Now look, I'm saying he jumped off the bridge and died on impact. 
Fraser: Although I doubt that he'd take off all his clothes before jumping. Multiple fractures, twenty, twenty one possibly twenty three broken bones. 
Pearson: You hit water from high enough and it's like landing on pavement. 
Fraser: By high enough you mean? 
Pearson: A lot higher than that bridge. 
Fraser: And if he did land on concrete? 
Pearson: Maybe fifty feet? 
Fraser: Five stories. It's the exact height of that ledge. Thank you. Diefenbaker. 
Dief: Whine 
Fraser: Diefenbaker. Come. [to Pearson] I'm terribly sorry about this. But you see, in the village where he grew up there were very few people with blond hair and as a result ever since we've come to Chicago he's been...how shall I put this...transfixed. Anyway, that's not the problem. The problem is, he has a tendency to take advantage of situations. He cannot expect her to give you a lift home just because the others did. Dr. Pearson's a very busy person. 
Pearson: No, I'll be glad to. 
Fraser: Although that's very kind of you. But you see that would play right into his tendency to manipulate. 
Pearson: It's no problem. 
Fraser: Well, thank you Dr. Pearson. 
Pearson: Esther. 
Fraser: Esther Pearson? You wouldn't by any way be related to... 
Pearson: No. 
Fraser: No, of course you wouldn't. Thank you kindly. [to Ray] Ray. Who ever dumped that body didn't want us to know who he was or where he came from. 
Vecchio: Ah Fraser, I'm begging you please. 
Fraser: There's something going on inside that hospital Ray. 
Vecchio: You're crazy! 
Fraser: That's a good idea. 
[hospital] 
Psychologist: So you're a Mountie are you? 
Fraser: Constable. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Yes. 
Psychologist: Here in Chicago. 
Fraser: Well, you see I used to live in the Yukon but I uncovered a plot that involved drowning caribou and then some men who were dressed in white came after me with homicidal intentions. It's a rather long story and it takes exactly two hours to tell but the upshot of it is I was sent here. I think I embarrassed some people in the government. 
Psychologist: Do you have anyone who can vouch for you here? 
Fraser: Well, yes, there's my wolf. Although I'm not sure he would vouch for me. If you know anything about lupine behavior, you know how moody they are and on top of that he's deaf. 
Psychologist: Name? 
Fraser: I'd rather not say. [Danny puts his hands on Fraser's shoulders so he knows he is in back of him. Fraser looks up and smiles the innocent smile] Ah. 
[Walters office] 
Walter: I couldn't stop it and uh, I should have been there. 
Dr. Martins: John you couldn't stop something from happening that didn't happen. 
Walter. No-no, he was there. I saw him out there. 
Dr. Martins: John, do you remember when you first came here? Do you remember what you said? 
Walter: I think I've got to do something. 
Dr. Martins: Let's see your file, John. Take a look at it. You see what it says there? Says here you were looking for Ty and you wanted to stop him. 
Walter: Yes but you see I saw him uh oh yesterday. I saw him yesterday. 
Dr. Martins: Look at your file John. That was five years ago. He couldn't have been out on the ledge yesterday. Not the day before. 
Walter: Yeah. It's very clear. 
Dr. Martins: You're getting a lot better lately John. A lot better. I know that. You don't want to go back to the way you were do you John? 
Walter: No, I really don't. 
Dr. Martins: So what did you see on the ledge. 
Walter: Uh...nothing. 
Dr. Martins: You're doing just fine. 
{Dr. Farmer's office] 
Doctor Martin: Is he in the test group? 
Dr. Farmer: Have a nice day. Yes. You won't have any problems with him. 
Dr. Martins: Our trouble? Is with your drug. Five suicides now. That's totally unacceptable in a sample of patiences. 
Dr. Farmer: Forty-five with marked improvement. I prefer to see the glass as half full. 
Dr. Martins: You think this is a joke? 
Dr. Farmer: I don't but I think that you are over reacting. 
Doctor Martin: Over reacting? We have a body dumped in the river and that--how the Hell did I let this happen? 
Dr. Farmer: Manic depressants are-- 
Dr. Martins: I don't want to hear this speech again. 
Dr. Farmer: You know as well as I do that nothing, not a drug out there can help them as much as this one has helped those people in there. 
Dr. Martins: But it's killing them for God's sakes. Five people have taken their lives-- 
Dr. Farmer: Five people who had suicidal tendencies before you even put them on this drug. You know that. There is noting in the material that leads eighty-forty with 
Dr. Martins: You're writing the materials. We keep sanitizing it. Every death is just swept under the rug. 
Dr. Farmer: The trials will be over soon. In two weeks we go to the FDA and it'll be out of your hands. 
Dr. Martins: And you going to kill how many more people? 
Dr. Farmer: You know damn well that even if they approve it tomorrow the thing won't hit the market for another two years and by then we'll reduce the risk factor to acceptable levels. But if we have to start over again, my company can't afford another five years of testing. We'll go under. And with us will go a drug that could have done a hell of a lot of good and you're stock won't mean a damn thing. Who knows about the jumper? 
Dr. Martins: Just one of the psychiatric assistance. 
Dr. Farmer: Danny? 
Dr. Martins: Yeah. 
Dr. Farmer: He's a good man. I'll take care of him. Okay, he was a John Doe right? 
Dr. Martins: Yes. 
Dr. Farmer: Then find another one. Give him the same patient number. Fifty patience. They have to come through this test well. Fifty living patience. It's only two more weeks. You'll find me a John Doe. 
[hospital hall, Danny hands Fraser's file to Dr. Martins as they pass by] 
Danny: You get in line here and they'll give you your medicine. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Danny: You behave and we'll get along just fine. You act up and we'll have to take away your privileges. 
Fraser: What privileges might those be? 
Danny: You want to keep wearing that hat? 
Fraser: I prefer to. 
Danny: Then you be a good boy and take all your medicine. 
Fraser: Oh so I shall. [Danny puts him in line with the other patients] 
Patient 1: Don't take your feet off the ground. 
Fraser: Okay. 
Patient 1: If you take your feet off the ground they'll kill you. 
Fraser: Really? 
Patient 1: They've been trying to kill me for years. But I sleep with my feet off the ground. Rubber soles, they insulate against electricity. 
Fraser: You're absolutely correct. 
Patient 1: I know. 
Fraser: Hi. 
Walter: Hi. You're the guy from the ledge. 
Fraser: Yes sir. I would prefer no one else knew. 
Walter: You're a patient here? 
Fraser: I was admitted foe evaluation. 
Walter: Well I'm sorry to hear that. 
Fraser: Who was it you saw on that ledge. [Walter doesn't answer] You'd rather not talk about it. 
Walter: Listen, you just got here okay so you don't know anything. Believe me. I've been here a long time and I just want to get better and get out. 
Fraser: Are you? 
Walter: Are I what? 
Fraser: Getting better. 
Walter: It doesn't matter what I think. 
Fraser: I would've thought that's the only thing that matters. 
Patient 1: Don't worry about him. Doesn't know what he knows. 
Patient 2: Yeah. You don't look like Winston. 
Fraser: Well I'm not. 
Patient 2: You're on his spot. That is Winston's spot. 
Fraser: What happen to Winston? 
Patient 2: He wouldn't tell them his name and they killed him. 
Patient 1: Took his feet off the ground. You standing on his spot. 
Patient 2: They take you to the blue room. 
Walter: There's no blue room. Don't listen to me I don't know what I know. 
Patient 2: Actually I don't know what I don't know. 
Patient 1: Shuffle. 
Fraser: Oh right. 
Nurse Unger: Here you go John. Hi, who are you? 
Fraser: I'd rather not say. 
Danny: He's John Doe. 
Nurse Unger: There must be a mistake here. 
Danny: No-no-no-no. It's right here. Number thirty-six. 
Nurse Unger [accesses computer]: Nobody tells me anything. 
Fraser: Could you tell me where the blue room is? 
Medicine Nurse: I'm sorry, There's no blue room on this ward. Only beige. It's suppose to be calming. [Fraser puts pill in his mouth and starts to leave] 
Danny: Whoa-Whoa-Whoa. Drink your water. The whole thing. 
[visitor's room] 
Vecchio: Your friend, the Ice Maiden finally served up an autopsy report on the John Doe by the river. 
Fraser: Cause of death. 
Vecchio: He was struck by a blunt object. Probably a sidewalk. And the pharmacology report turned up something interesting in his system. The ME. called it some kind of MAO inhibitor. No buzz, no street value. 
Fraser: Prescription? 
Vecchio: FDA has no record of it. Completely unregistered. 
Fraser: I think I know what it is. [takes pill from his mouth] 
Vecchio: Ew! How long has that been in there? 
Fraser: Two and a half hours. 
Vecchio: Don't those things dissolve? 
Fraser: The key is to control your saliva ducts. They've been giving this to every patient on the ward. 
Vecchio: Just put it in there. [offers his pocket] I'll check it out. [they sit quiet for a second] So how's the food? 
[recreation room, the tv is playing The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin] 
Fraser: Hi. Hi. How we doing today? 
Walter: Some days are better than others. 
Fraser: Can I ask you a question? Do you know how long you've been in here? 
Walter: I'm insane, not stupid. 
Fraser: Sorry. 
Walter: Yeah, today I know. 
Fraser: Can we talk about Ty? [Walter shakes his head no] What was Winston like? 
Patient 1: Quiet. He never talked. Paranoid. 
Fraser: Oh, so what happen to him? 
Walter: Why are you asking us all these things? 
Fraser: You were here. You see things. 
Patient 3: I know where it is. 
Fraser: What's that? 
Patient 3: Cramer. He went to the blue room. 
Walter: You don't know anything. 
Patient 3: So where's Cramer then? 
Patient 1: Don't go to the blue room. 
Fraser: Is that where Winston went? 
Patient 1: I told him. If he takes his feet off the floor. 
Walter: There is no blue room. 
Patient 3: What do you know. You're delusional. 
Fraser: Can you show me where it is? 
Patient 3: You believe me? 
Fraser: Yes. 
Patient 3: You're scaring me. 
Patient 1: I'll go with you. Come on, come on. Feet on the floor. 
[patients 1 and 3 got with Fraser] 
Walter: You guys are wasting your time. 
[they begin a search of the ward] 
Fraser: This is the blue room? 
Patient 1: Yeah, it could be here. 
[stairs] 
Fraser: This is it? 
Patient 1: That's right. 
[room] 
Fraser: The blue room? 
Patient 3: Yeah, that's it. 
[Fraser is getting a crowd now as they look in the bathroom] 
Patient 4: Don't ever go in there. 
Patient 1: Unless you really have to. 
[past the nurses station] 
Patient 5: Which way did they go? 
Patient 6: North by northwest. 
Dr. Martins: What was that all about? 
Nurse Unger: I think they're tracking something. 
Dr. Martins: Uh. 
[the crowd following Fraser has grown..he looses some of them] 
Fraser: Hello? This way. 
Dr. Martins: Well keep an eye on the new one will ya? He could be dangerous. 
[yet another room] 
Fraser: The. Blue. Room. 
Patient 1: Yeah this is the blue room. 
[Fraser's room. He is laying on his bed writing] 
Fraser: Hi. 
Walter: Hi. 
Fraser: Come on in. One of the patients said something and I was just trying to remember where I heard it. My father used to quote it. It's from Hamlet. 'I am but mad. North by northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know the difference between a Hawk and a Handsaw.' 
Walter: You ain't helping them you know. 
Fraser: People see things. 
Walter: Sometimes they do but that doesn't mean that they're real. That doesn't mean that it happened. 
Fraser: Well I'm not sure about that. Quite often I see things that nobody else seems to. 
Walter: Well, that's why you're here. 
Fraser [laughs]: Yes, I suppose so. [Walter stands looking out the window] 
Fraser: It's a curious thing, reality--isn't it? 
Walter: Yep. 
Fraser: So much of the time it seems to be--a matter of what you believe. A lot of people believe in something and that becomes reality--at least for them. And then some people find it easier to make a new reality. Especially if the truth is too painful. But I think you know that, don't you Walter? 
Walter: Is that who I am? 
Fraser: No. That's just your name. Walter Sparks. But I don't need your name to know who you are. 
Walter: Well, I'm not who you think I am. 
Fraser: It wasn't your fault. 
Walter: Yes, it was. I was late. 
Fraser: Ty made his own decision. 
Walter: You know sometimes that's clear. Sometimes it is but sometimes I think uh, it probably would have been easier if I'd killed myself. 
Fraser: Maybe it would have been. You know, my mother died when I was very young. I don't remember a lot about that time except...except my father's beard. I don't remember him crying or talking about her. I just woke up one morning and I noticed he had a beard, and it kept getting longer and longer and he got thinner and he stopped going to work. My mother died and my father stopped living. And then one morning I woke up and there was a breakfast waiting for me at the table. Oatmeal and uh, sliced banana. And he was clean shaven and he was crying. 
Walter: Well your dad was a very strong man. 
Fraser: He just woke up and the wind was from the south and he found he still knew the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. 
Danny [to Ray]: The visitor room's being painted. You can meet in here. 
Vecchio: Got the lab results back on those pills. You know it's the same drug. 
Fraser: They must be conducting clinical tests here. The man you pulled out of the river, his name was Winston. The drug was connected to his death and I think they are covering up in order to falsify test results. Now what I haven't been able to figure out is where the blue room is. Somehow it's associated with the deaths. 
Vecchio: Okay, only one problem with your theory. The lab says no way the drug is lethal. Worst case is it'll cause some depression. 
Fraser: I didn't listen to what they wee telling me. Well I did but I listened with my eyeballs. 
Vecchio: You know you're really beginning to scare me. 
Fraser: Do you know Ray all communication is a clue of one kind or another if you don't understand the language it makes no sense. They weren't talking about the color blue, they were talking about the emotion. The drug causes depression, they went into the blue room, they killed themselves. 
Vecchio: Okay, I'll be back in twenty with a warrant. 
Fraser: Ray, who did you tell you were coming here? 
Vecchio: Nobody why? I misunderstood the question. I told everybody I know. I told the states attorney, I told the sheriff, I even told my mother. 
Danny: Another John Doe? 
[padded room] 
Vecchio: I don't think they're really painting the visiting room Fraser. Will you take a look at this room? It looks like something out of the dark ages. They'll probably give us shock treatment. I don't react well to shock treatment. 
Fraser: Calm down Ray. They're not going to do anything like that. They're going to kill us. 
Vecchio: Yeah. Of all of those are contradictory thought. Heeeeeellllllp! 
Dr. Martins:[on phone to Dr. Farmer] He's a real Mountie. And his pal's a real cop. Yes. Yes. They're under control. No I'm not going to do that. Covering up a couple of suicides. I can some how rationalize but not murder. No. You'll have to think of something else. Yes. I'll be waiting. 
Dr. Farmer: Coward. 
Vecchio: Heeeeeellllllp! 
Fraser: It would appear to be a sound proof room. 
Vecchio: You gotta better plan? 
Fraser: Yes, relax. 
Vecchio: That's a plan? 
Fraser: The more you struggle Ray the tighter it becomes. All you have to do is relax completely. Dislocate your shoulder and pull your arm out of the sleeve. 
Vecchio: Yeah, or you can yell. 
Fraser: Oh yeah. That would work too. Hang on one second. A dead Bolt. Keyless entry. Sealed frame, ----------------from the outside. 
Vecchio: There's no windows on the sealed door. You might as well just leave my straight jacket on. 
Fraser: Well if something got in with the door being locked, we should be able to get outside. 
Vecchio: Oh, did something get in? 
Fraser: Yes. Air. In spite of being in a hermetically sealed room, we haven't suffocated. 
Vecchio: You know there's only one problem with that. We're a lot bigger than air. 
Fraser: Air's flowing through the padding. I sharpened my buckle. 
Vecchio: You anticipated cutting your way out of a rubber room? 
Dr. Farmer: You've got to finish what you started Martin. 
Vecchio: Bolted shut. 
Fraser: Archemedes said, 'Give me a fulcrum and a lever long enough and I can move the world.' 
Doctor Martin: I want nothing to do with this. 
Dr. Farmer: You're in Doc. The appropriate time to battle with your conscience is long since past you by. 
Vecchio: Why do I always have to be the fulcrum. 
Fraser: Stop moving Ray, you're dispersing the energy. 
Doctor Martin: They were here. They were locked in! 
Dr. Farmer: Where does that go? 
Ray [coming out of the air duct] : Fraser, I don't think this is the way out of here. 
Fraser: They'll discover we're missing in a matter of minutes. Maybe less. By the time we got back with a warrant there'd be no evidence left to seize. Come on. 
[the nurses station, Fraser is sitting at keyboard with his eyes closed] 
Vecchio: I bet if you opened your eyes you wouldn't miss the keyboard. 
Fraser: Although I saw the nurse type in the password, I didn't actually see it. 
Vecchio: Watching with your ears were you? 
Fraser: Yes. You see, each finger applies a different pressure to each key so each sounds slightly different of course that varies from person to person. 
Vecchio: What did this one sound like. 
Fraser: Something like to the tune of 'I've been working on the railroad' [he hums, I've been working on the railroad then types 'all-the-live-long-day -- the computer shows 'Access denied' on the screen. They both hum and Fraser types it again and again am told access denied] 
[Danny and Dr. Farmer search all the rooms] 
Vecchio: Last chance Dinah. 
Fraser: Perhaps it was the refrain. [both hum 'Dinah blow your horn] he types and gets in] It was Dinah blow your horn. 
Dr. Martins: Security says they haven't left the building. I had them post an extra man on each exit. 
Fraser: Okay we got it. 
Dr. Martins: Alright people back in your rooms. 
Walter: Hey, what's going on? 
Danny: They aren't here. 
Walter: Who you looking for? 
Dr. Martins: No one. 
Fraser [copying the files]: Alright that's the last two medical history 
Vecchio: Good, now we can get out of here. Maybe not. 
Danny: Boys just got yourselves a trip to the blue room. 
[Nurse Unger sees what is happening and calls the police] 
Dr. Martins: Don't worry here. Okay people step aside, step aside. Now nothing's happening here. Nothings happening here get back to your beds. 
Vecchio: Hey, I'm a cop do something. 
Dr. Martins: Back to your beds. 
Vecchio: They want to kill us! 
Patient 1: Me too! 
Vecchio: Come on, do something. 
Fraser: They're confused Ray. 
Dr. Martins: Back to your beds. alright, step aside people. 
Walter: Where you taken em? 
Dr. Martins: Nowhere now just step aside. 
Walter: No, you're taking them somewhere. 
Dr. Martins: Look, nothing is happening here. Now you're getting better John. Don't start imagining things again. Trust me. 
Fraser: Trust what you see Walter. 
Dr. Martins: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in here? Alright people, back to your beds. 
[Walter moves aside] 
Dr. Martins: Okay people back to your beds. 
[Walter sees the needle at Ray's neck as he passes, then the restraints on Fraser and charges the Doctors and Danny] 
Walter: AAAAAAAH! 
[Fraser, falling over gets the restraints to his front. In the fight patient 1 and Walter restrain Danny and, though you don't see it, unties Ray. Dr. Martins runs off with Fraser close behind} 
Fraser [to arriving cops] Did anyone else come through here? 
Cop: No. 
[on ledge] 
Dr. Martins: Don't come out here. Not unless you want them scraping both of us off the pavement. 
Vecchio: Am I wearing a funny hat? Do I look like a Mountie? Jump. What do I care. 
Dr. Martins: I have a medical degree officer. Your high school rubber psychology isn't going to work on me. 
Vecchio: What psychology. I ain't going out on that ledge. 
Dr. Martins: Good bye Detective. 
Vecchio: Okay, okay. I'm coming out! Don't jump. 
Dr. Martins: Sorry 
Vecchio: Fraser! One second 
Dr. Martins: The fact is Detective, I knew what I did and I know what's going to happen to me. 
Vecchio: Fraser! [Dr. Martins sorta falls forward, Fraser breaks through the window and grabs Dr. Martins ankles] 
Dr. Martins: Oof! [Dr. Martins is still hanging upside down] 
Fraser: Know any Shakespeare Doctor? 
Dr. Martins: I don't get much time to read. 
Fraser: Well you will. [to Ray] Ray you want to give me a hand? 
Vecchio: I'm coming, I'm coming. 
[St. Michaels] 
Behan: He's finishing up. You can go on down. 
Fraser: Thank you Father. 
Behan: Vecchio huh? You Catholic? [Ray digs out money and hands it over] 
Fraser: Father Behan says this place has never been this clean. 
Walter: Yeah, I guess I'm a little bit compulsive. 
Fraser: How are you? 
Walter: Good. I'm doing okay. I miss Ty and for the first time I really miss Ty. 
Fraser: I'm sorry. 
Walter: No, it's okay. That's good. In a funny way it means I kinda have him back again. I'd rather miss him then forget him. Anyway. 
[Fraser and Walter sorta nod knowingly at each other.] 

End of Hawk and a Handsaw
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Eye For An Eye 

Stegs: Give me the money. The money. Come on. This all you got? 
Colling: Take what you want. Just leave me alone. 
Stegs: Keep your head down. You understand? Keep it down. 
[in Riv] 
Vecchio: Okay, safety on the street is common sense. You must ask yourself ... what? what? You must ask yourself what? 
Fraser: You must ask yourself 'Is it safe to walk in my neighborhood in the day or night. 
Vecchio: This neighborhood? Of course it's not safe. It's a slum. What kind of bozo comes up with a safety tip like that. 
Fraser: The Mayor's Blue Ribbon Panel on the Safety of Senior citizens. 
Vecchio: Yeah a bunch of do gooders sitting around solving other peoples problems, sipping on cappuccinos. 
Vecchio: I'm dead Fraser, these people are gonna eat me alive. 
Fraser: They don't seem particularly threatening Ray. 
Vecchio: Old people just make me nervous. 
Fraser: Well you know the age-ed are just like people too. Only they're older. 
Vecchio: In the last five weeks six of their neighbors have been beaten and robbed. Nobody can I.D. the guy. We got no leads and division sends me down here to reassure them? They're gonna rip me limb from limb. Hey maybe I get to use my night stick. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Vecchio: Okay, okay. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker, now don't be selfish. I've told you taking an hour out of your day to visit with the elderly can be as rewarding an experience for you as it is for them. Come on. When was the last time I asked you to do a good turn. 
Dief: Whine. 
Fraser: No-no-no-no that was different. Those were orphans and that taffy pull was for charity. Well I shaved it out of your hair didn't I? It's hopeless. 
[community center] 
Vecchio: Step six: How can I prevent myself from becoming a victim. 
Colling: Dead bolts. 
Vecchio: Dead bolts. That's correct. Uh, purchase a strong dead bolt lock and be sure to keep it fastened at all times. 
Collling: I got a dead bolt. It doesn't help when the door jam is rotting. 
Vecchio: Yes and uh windows. Make sure the windows are fastened with key lock mechanisms and that bars are installed on all the lower levels. 
Lady: Yeah. Tell that to my landlord. And while you're at it, tell him to put in a hot water heater. 
Vecchio: Yes sir, we would appreciate your plumbing problems but that's not what I'm here for. 
Daughter: Then what are you here for? You sure didn't do nothing when that animal attacked my mother. I want to know what you people are gonna do! 
Vecchio: Hey Benny. 
Fraser: It's an honest question Ray. 
Vecchio: Well I realize that Fraser but the division doesn't want me to answer it. They only want me to talk about dead bolts and window bars. 
Fraser: Well perhaps these people don't consider that to be a realistic solution. 
Daughter: Damn right it isn't. 
[to Fraser] Vecchio: You keep your voice down. [then] Yes, uh, when on the street what is the best method of personal protection? Anyone? Anyone? 
Fraser: A positive attitude. I'm merely suggesting Ray that one shouldn't allow fear to dictate ones actions. Oh and traveling in a group is good deterrent and it can provide some pleasant companionship. 
Vecchio: Fraser these people aren't going lawn bowling. They're trying to survive in an urban hall hole. 
Fraser: Well they can try to survive in it alone Ray or they can meet the challenge. But that's up to them. 
Lady: It's easy for you to say. 
Fraser: Well yes, perhaps it is. I haven't lived in this neighborhood as long as you have. Where I come from the challenges are quite different. There are no drug dealer or pimps. Few thieves to bother with. There's only the environment and surviving in the face of it is the challenge of the Inuit. A mother gives birth somewhere out on a glacier field. Hundreds of miles from the nearest outpost. And she knows the odds are stacked against her son even living to see the spring. Disease or the lack of food, the elements . . . And even if he should survive and grow to be a boy she knows very well that all he has to do is lose his footing on the smooth surface of a glacier and that will be that. In other words, she knows that her son cannot live. So why should she try? Well, I know this woman. I helped deliver her son. She was weak and undernourished but the next morning she stood up and she picked her child up in her arms and, and she set out again into the blinding snow and I think . . . I think that was the single most courageous act I've ever seen. 
*** 
Vecchio: This is what's wrong with you Fraser. You see a problem and you gotta fix it. You can't even go to the men's room without stopping and telling some simple stupid charmingly witty Inuit story that inspires people to take on the worlds social ills. 
Fraser: Well I'm sorry Ray but I fail to see how a small group of people banding together to from a neighborhood watch constitues a form of political anarchy. 
Vecchio: Well at least this morning they had the good sense to be scared. Now there's probably hordes of them wandering the streets doing God knows what. 
Fraser: Ray, that's just silly. 
Vecchio: Remember it's on your head. If one of those old people so much as slip putting up a poster on that ice, just remember, you're the one they voted block captain. 
Fraser: I'll remember that. Oh - what exactly is a block captain? 
[outdoors] 
Elaine: You'll be needing these. We ordered them the last time someone tried to do a watch in this neighborhood. The guy got shot before he could get them out of the box. [opens the box] So far so good. 
[Fraser sitting at a table passing out vests and whistles] 
Fraser: Thank you Mrs. Fisher and Mr. Porter. Thank you very kindly. Mr. Rubens, there you go. 
Rubens: Can I keep it? 
Fraser: Uh, no sir, I'm afraid not. 
Rubens: Do I get a badge? 
Fraser: None appear to have been provided. 
Rubins: How about a hat? That's nice. 
Fraser: You mean? 
Rubins: Yeah, your hat. 
Fraser: Oh well I'm... 
Rubins: What size is it? 
[Gladys and Dief out for a walk] 
Gladys: It was 1942 and Benny Goodman was playing his bit at the Orpheus. And I'm telling you, back at that time I could really cut a rug. Would you like a taffy? 
Dief: Whine. 
[Ray and Elaine giving instructions to the patrol] 
Vecchio: Now if anybody bothers you, you take this , you put it to your lips and you blow as hard as you can. Elaine. 
Elaine blows whistle. 
Vecchio: You think you can do that? Good. You ready? On three. One, two (tweeeeeeeeeeeet) 
[in the park] 
Fraser: Good morning Mr. Calling. I was hoping you'd join us. 
Calling: I come here everyday. What's new? 
Fraser: The neighborhood watch. We could use our help. 
Calling: I'm busy. 
Fraser: Uh, well yes sir. I can see that you are. 
Lady: He keeps to himself. 
Fraser: Ah. Shall we? 
*** 
Porter: No, this is my post. 16th and Morgan. It's marked right here on the map. 
Rubens:Your guarding my building? You who twice cheated me at canasta? 
Porter: I didn't cheat you, old fool, you fell asleep and missed your turn. 
Vecchio: Well the neighborhood is definitely in safe hands now. 
Fraser: They just need a little drilling Ray, they'll get the hand of it. 
Vecchio: Yeah, right. 
*** 
Fraser: Neighborhood watch meeting Thursday night, I hope you'll join us. 
Vecchio: I double checked every statement. I've interviewed the neighbors, I've talked to every shop keeper on the street. Nobody's seen this guy and even those who did can't describe him. It's like the guy doesn't exist. 
Fraser: Well maybe he doesn't Ray, at least to the casual observer. 
Vecchio: He follows people through the neighborhood, he beats and robs them yet nobody notices him? 
Fraser: Apparently so but we do know he's in a position to notice them. How else could he know his victims movements well enough to know when to rob whom and when no to? 
Vecchio: Okay, so he notices them, they don't notice him, but he's here? 
Fraser: He has to be. 
*** 
Mrs. Chappy: Edith. I'm on my way. Edith. Hello? Hello? Anybody here? Hello? Hello? Hello? 
Hello! Hello! 
Rubins: Who's there! Come in! 
Porter:[into his walkie talkie] There's screaming down the passage way, call the police. 
Fraser: All right Mr. Porter, we're on our way. 
You see this guy? You take a good look. You come back here again, it'll be the last place you'll ever see. 
*** 
Fraser: Mrs. Chappy. 
Chappy: Hey. 
Fraser: Mrs. Chappy are you all right. 
Chappy: I seen him. He was following me. 
Vecchio: Who? 
Chappy: I don't know. There was two of them. 
Fraser: Ray. 
*** 
Vecchio: Now the attacker, was he the smaller man or the bigger one? 
Chappy: I don't know. By the time I looked they were both running away. 
Vecchio: Okay, would it be safe to say what you saw was two big blurs? 
Chappy: Yes, I suppose it would. 
Fraser: Thank you very much Mrs. Chappy. You've been a great help. 
Vecchio: No wonder he robs old people. 
Fraser: Well why Mrs. Chappy? It's broad day light, she's wearing a red vest and carrying a walkie-talkie. It's like mugging a bulls eye. It doesn't make sense. 
Fraser: Which is why he picked another victim. 
Fraser: And where's the victim. Why did he run? 
Vecchio: Well for the same reason people don't hang around to report crimes either to intimidated or too embarrassed. 
Fraser: Maybe. 
Vecchio: You got a weapon? 
Crime sceen guy: I don't know. Probably something big and blunt Vecchio you'll get my report in the morning. 
Vecchio: Come on! Come on! Great. We got witnesses, we got evidence, we still got nothing. 
*** 
Fraser; Look at this. by the right foot print. 
Vecchio: It looks like a crutch. 
Fraser: Or something he was using as one. 
Dief whines. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker? (groan) Hi Gladys. 
Gladys: Hello, how are you? 
Fraser: Hi Dief. Now listen, I had no idea it would come to this. I swear. She's very nice and there's a very nice dog biscuit in this for you, I promise. 
Gladys: Come on Corky. 
Dief: Whine. 
Fraser: Dief. Oh boy. He's so embarrassed. 
Vecchio: It's hideous. [then back to crime scene] It looks like his right heel is dragging. 
Fraser: He must have been injured in the assault. The man he attacked was indeed bigger and I think...wait a minute. It's this way. He didn't climb it. 
Vecchio: Well maybe his ankle is hurt. 
Fraser: Even a young man with an injury could step over a wall like this. 
Ray; Okay, so he goes around the fence, he hits the sidewalk and the prints disappear. [they are being followed by a small boy with a bat] Oh great, another dead end. 
Fraser: Gone. The prints are still here. The crutch is gone. 
Vecchio: Maybe he pitched it. 
Fraser: There. 
Vecchio: Aw, no, Fraser! Not another dumpster. I am not getting into a dumpster with you. Fraser! There is no way I'm getting in this dumpster with you. Don't even think about it, don't even suggest it. You know how many suits I've ruined frolicking in refuse for you? 
Fraser: Here. Check these. 
Vecchio: It's a waste of time. Half the stuff in there will qualify as a weapon. 
Fraser: It has to be something concealible. Probably under a coat. No, that's not it. That's not it. 
Ray; Ah ha! There it is. 
Fraser: That's not blood, Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh sure it is. It's red and it's sticky. Yech! 
Vecchio: It's ketchup. 
Vecchio: Well who sits in a dumpster and eats ketchup? 
Fraser: Probably someone who likes french fries. 
Kid: Uh oh. 
Vecchio: Come here ya little rug rat. Come here kid. Where do you think you're going? Give me the bat. 
Kid: No! 
Vecchio: Come on now, be a good kid and give the detective the bat. 
Kid: No! I found it. Get your own. 
Vecchio: Give it. 
Kid: No 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, you know children are just like people only smaller. All you have to do is reason with them. Now son, that bat is important evidence in a criminal investigation and we'd be most grateful if you'd cooperate. 
Kid: A hundred bucks. 
Fraser: I see. Ray. 
Ray; Okay kid. Can you spell penitentiary? Let's try it together. P-E-N- 
Kid: Okay, here. 
Vecchio: Scram. 
Kid: Creep. 
Vecchio: I reasoned with him. 
Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray. 
Vecchio: Okay, I'm sorry but I got the bat and this definitely isn't ketchup. 
Fraser: But all the victims said the attacker used a knife. Now why would you suddenly switch to a bat? 
Vecchio: Who cares? This is evidence, okay? We match the blood type, we get lucky with a print and we got ourselves a thief. 
Fraser: I was wrong. 
Vecchio: No-no you weren't wrong Fraser, come on we got a crime and we got a weapon! 
Fraser: I tracked the wrong man Ray. The man with the bat is not the thief. 
Vecchio: Aw come on Fraser, don't do this to me. [Fraser is on the move again] At least wait up for me. 
Fraser: He waited here. The snow melted then refroze under his feet. An hour maybe longer. 
Vecchio: You live to do this to me, don't you? No sooner do I find a piece of hard evidence that may actually put a criminal in jail. 
Fraser: Well I didn't say the man with the bat isn't a criminal, Ray, he just didn't commit the crimes you think he did. 
Vecchio: Oh I see. I bet you it's that hero thing. One slug and you think you have to over compensate. 
Fraser: Look at these foot prints. We know from the victims he only preys upon the weak yet this man, the man he attacked has long agile strides where this man, the man with the bat walks with a limp. He couldn't even jump a fence to save himself Ray. He's old. Now why would an old man try to rob a man bigger and stronger than himself. 
Ray; Maybe he felt threatened by the bigger guy. 
Fraser: Maybe. Maybe this was his solution. 
[27th precinct] 
Welsh: A vigilante. I send you out to solve a simple string of robberies and you bring me a vigilante. A senior citizen no less. 
Fraser; Leftenant, the responsibility for this is entirely mine. 
Welsh: Oh I'm sure it is. You know just once I'd like someone besides the Mountie to come into my station and confess. 
Fraser: Sir, I encouraged these people not to allow themselves to be intimidated. Now I had no right to impair my experiences to theirs and offer up solutions to a problem that was far more severe in their mind than I could possibly anticipate. 
Welsh: That might be so Constable, but before you put on the hairshirt, none of this would have happened if Detective Vecchio would have found the thief before some little old man. 
Fraser: He's right Ray. 
Vecchio: Oh thanks Fraser. 
Fraser: No-no-no-no. About the little old man. He waited for the thief in the park which means he knows the thief. He knows his movements. 
Vecchio: So if we find the vigilante we find the thief. 
*** 
Fraser: Thank you very kindly Leftenant. And as usual our conversation has been extremely helpful. 
Welsh: I'm so glad Constable. 
Fraser: Also, sir, I think you'll be pleased to know I've taken the liberty of officially reprimanding myself. 
Welsh; Good. Put them in the file with the rest of them. Get out of my office. 
Fraser: Uh, yes sir. 
Vecchio: I thought the thief was somebody nobody noticed. 
Fraser: He is. Unless you were patient and had a lot of time on your hands and he didn't notice you noticing him. 
Vecchio: So now we got two people noticing? 
Fraser: You have to have a clear vantage point somewhere with a view of both sides of the tunnel. Here. 
Vecchio: Fraser, old people do not sit outside in this weather and if somebody did, he'd be noticed right away. 
Fraser: 'I come here everyday.' There's your quote. 
*** 
Fraser: This was his routine, Ray. Nobody questions a man who keeps to his routine. 
Vecchio: You can arrest Herb Colling for playing chess? 
Fraser: The bruise on his forehead I should have realized. 
Vecchio: You're not a mind reader Fraser. You're just a Canadian. Come on, maybe we'll get lucky and he'll blurt out a spontaneous confession. 
[near the store, two boys on bikes are causing mischeif. They swipe bananas] 
Woman: My fruit. He took my fruit. 
Juvie: Get out of the way. 
[Colling sticks out his cane and brings one of the bikes to a halt. He leaves feeling smug. The Stegs watches him] 
[table where Colling always sits] 
Fraser: Good morning, Mr. Colling. Do you mind if I? 
Colling: It's a public park. 
Fraser: You know this park was created after the great fire of 1871? The mayor at the time, uh, Joseph Meddle, dedicated it to all the citizens of Chicago to enjoy freely and equally. But people don't seem to feel very free do they? In fact, most people are afraid to come here anymore. 
Colling: I'm not afraid. 
Fraser: No, I need your advice. I found this in a dumpster. Rather nice bat. Hardly the sort of thing you'd toss away in the garbage. Don't you agree? 
Colling; You're in my way. 
Fraser: I'm terribly sorry. I thought it might be valuable to somebody. It's obviously very well taken care of. It's been oiled and cleaned regularly. The oil, you can see has been worked into the grain. As a matter of fact, it's seeped it's way into the wood. It's rather like the rings of a tree don't you think? You see, I think this bat is a memento. And I think it belongs to someone who played baseball, someone who loved the game. What do you think? 
Colling: I wouldn't know. 
Fraser: It's not your bat is it? 
Colling: No. 
Fraser: Well it's strange. I saw a picture in the trophy case in the center. It was of a man with a boys team who's smiling and he was holding a bat very much like this one. 
Colling: This was a nice park. 40 years ago people came from all over the neighborhood. On Sundays they had picnics and sat in the shade. There was a fountain over there. Kids used to take off their shoes and wade in it. Splashed everybody. Made a hell of a noise. Was full of life but look at it now. When the muggers and the junkies came the people didn't fight back. They hid. Inside their homes behind their doors until finally one day, when they tried to come out they couldn't. They just couldn't. Now it ain't much but it's my home. I'm suppose to give it up> For them? For you? no. Not for anyone. 
Fraser: Mr. Calling, This bat has been used to hurt people. Now maybe they deserved it, maybe they didn't. That's immaterial. The law simply does not allow us to go about hitting each other over the head with bats. And if he tries again, I'll be watching. 
*** 
Vecchio: So you decided to scare the vigilante by destroying the only piece of evidence we have against him? 
Fraser: Well he may try again Ray. I felt it was worth the risk. 
Vecchio: You know Fraser, it's about time someone told you, it's the little things like this that make them not want you across the border. 
[Colling's building] 
Porter: I go to the counter, I buy a paper. I give her a dollar. She gives me my change just like we done a thousand times. Only this time, she sees my red vest and calls me Mister. Not Rudy but Mr. Porter. 
Colling: So? 
Porter: So I wink at her and she winks back at me. We're going to bingo on Saturday night. Go figure. 
[Colling got into his apartment and their is there] 
Porter: -- seventeen. We got a problem at Parkview Towers, third floor. Copy. 
Fraser: That's Mr. Collin's building. 
*** 
Porter:He's in here. 
Fraser: Mr. Calling! 
Vecchio: Police! 
[patrol people are reporting to Fraser who is on foot after the theif] 
Porter: -- to all units. Intruder heading west through the park 
Mrs. Klapp: He's in the alley. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly, Mrs. Klapp. 
Rubin: I've got him. He's heading south. Behind the building 
Fraser: Roger. 
Rubin: Watch out for the trash cans. 
Fraser [who is one on and rolling along] Thank you very much Mr. Rubin. 
Gladys: Sick him Corky. Sick him. 
Fraser: I'm sorry! 
[27th precinct a line up] 
Cop:Turn left, turn rightt. Face front. Do you recognize any of these men Mr. Colling? 
Welsh: Mr. Colling? 
Collins: No. 
Vecchio: No? The guy slammed the back of your head into the wall repeatedly, don't tell me you didn't see his face. 
Welsh: Vecchio! Perhaps you'd like to take another look. 
Colling: I've seen enough 
Welsh: Okay, cut him loose. 
Vecchio: Cut him loose? Lt., you can't cut the guy loose. 
Fraser: This won't end here. He knows where you live. He knows you've seen his face. 
Colling: It will end. 
Fraser: And someone may die. 
Colling: So be it. 
Fraser: You know Mr. Colling you had the strength to swing that bat, you must have the strength to put it down. 
[Ray's desk. Ray is typing his report, Fraser is making a big stick into a little one] 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Nothing. No it's just I can't help feeling -- 
Vecchio: You see that's your problem. 
Fraser: What? 
Vecchio: Feeling. Ya got to keep the feeling out of it. This way it's just a case. Just a docket with a file number and that's it. 
Fraser: I suppose that's prudent. 
Vecchio: Offender. 
Fraser: That's an 'h'. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: Offender. You meant to hit a 'd', you hit an 'h'. Vecchio: You heard that? 
Fraser: Yes. Now Ray, the thing is -- 
Vecchio: Fraser, the guy had his chance, okay? There's nothing more we can do for him, okay? 
Fraser: You're right. 
Vecchio: I know I'm right. 
Fraser: That's a 'zaid'. 
Vecchio: What's a 'zaid?' 
Fraser: A 'z'. You meant to hit an 's'. 
Vecchio: All right, that's it. All right look, I'm trying to type here and what you're doing is really unnerving okay? 
Vecchio: I'm sorry. 
Vecchio: Look, you don't know what the guy is going to do. Maybe he learned his lesson. 
Fraser: Ray. He's determined and he's desperate. 
Vecchio: And he doesn't want our help! 
Fraser: That's true. 
Fraser: Don't even think about it. 
Fraser; I was gonna compliment you on your spacing. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, right. 
Fraser: I was! 
Vecchio: All right, come on, look, maybe we can't help your friend but the least we can do is sit on your playmate. 
[Colling is buying a gun] 
Gun Salesmans: Here's your I.D. back, you check out just fine. Now there's normally a three day cooling off period but you look like a reasonable man so uh, in your case, I think we can waive it. But uh, you're not going to go off and shoot someone are you sir? 
[Colling laughs ] You bought yourself a fine gun. You have any trouble? Just give me a call. 
Colling: Thank you. 
[Stegs' apartment] 
Stegs [on phone]: Yeah could I have the number of the transit authority. Thanks. Yeah a ticket to Philly. How much? What's that? Yeah. Naw Naw. I ain't got no credit card. Forget it. Forget it. 
[hall at Colling's apartment] 
Irving: I should quit one of these days. 
Colling: Yeah you should. 
Irving: Who would care? Not my son. He's suppose to be here every Thursday end of the month take me to the check cash. You think he make it? No. Phone me up, tell me he got to work, can't make it, can I make it on my own. I say sure isn't that what I been doing the last 70 years? 
*** 
Colling: Oh, uh, Irving. 
Irving: Yeah? 
Colling: Well I just remembers I left a package at Azarelo's market up there. I got to go there right now. You want me to go t o the check cash for you? 
Irving: Oh I can make it you know. 
Colling: Yeah, I know but uh, no need for both of us to make the same trip. 
[Steg's Apartment] 
Ray; It's the police Mr. Steg open up. All right stand back and watch how we do things here in America. No neighborhood watch, no caring for your fellow man, just good old fashion intimidation. 
Fraser: You know Ray, your methods are a constant inspiration to me. 
Vecchio: Oh well, thank you Benny. [looking over the stacks of mail] Look at this guy. He's a junk mail junkie. 
[Mr. Colling is showing himself on the street so the Steg's will follow him] 
[on phone to Elaine while driving around] You sure he didn't answer? 
Elaine: I made the call didn't I? 
Vecchio: What about the Senior Center? 
Elaine: No luck there either. 
Fraser: There he is. Mr. Colling? Herb. 
Vecchio: Where's Herb? 
Irving: He went to the check cash for me. 
Vecchio: Yeah, but that's his coat. 
Irving: He ask to borrow mine. He said he needed it for something. What's wrong? 
[at Azarelo's market] 
Vecchio: We just missed him. 
Fraser: He doesn't follow them home, Ray. 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: He waits for them. He already knows where they live. He delivers junk mail to their doors. He watches them cash their checks then he cuts across the park and gets there first. Come on. 
[at the tunnel] 
Stegs: Stupid old man. 
[in Riv, Fraser tries to point out objects that Ray immediately mows over] 
Fraser: Ray gates. 
Vecchio: I know. 
[tunnel] 
Stegs: You can't shoot me. You're too old man, you can't even see. You can't even hold that thing straight. 
[Riv] 
Fraser: Gun fire! 
Vecchio: I know a short cut. 
[tunnel] 
Collins: You don't like that. You're frightened. I could take your money. I could take your life. You don't know which. Which one should I take. 
Stegs: No. 
Colling: Take it. I don't want your money. 
[Riv] 
Fraser: Ray, sapling. 
Vecchio: Where? 
Fraser: Twelve o'clock. 
Vecchio: Got it. [he says with great satisfaction] 
[tunnel] 
Stegs: Take it! Take it man, come on. 
[Riv] 
Fraser: There! There! 
Vecchio: Drop the gun! 
[tunnel] 
Fraser: You are intending on shooting this man, aren't you? Good evening. 
Vecchio: Fraser, what are you doing? 
Fraser: Well I thought I'd let him shoot me Ray. All Mr. Colling has to do is shoot me, then he can shoot him. 
Vecchio: Oh, as long as you've got a plan. 
Colling: Get out of the way. It's him I want. I just want him. 
Fraser: I understand. I understand. After all he attacked you. He stole your money. It's perfectly reasonable. 
Colling: That man is evil. 
Fraser: And the boys you attacked, what about them? 
Colling: It's not the same. 
Fraser: Oh it isn't? Oh. Oh now you see, I'm not so sure I follow you. I thought it was people like them that had taken your neighborhood away from you. And I thought you wanted to take it back. Now you see Mr. Colling from now on you will have to decide who's good enough to walk on your streets and sit in your park You will have to decide who should be protected and who should be punished. And if someone just happens to get in your way, someone you disagree with, well then you will have to decide whether they deserve - oh, now I see. Now I understand. If you kill him then he can never walk on your streets. He can never hurt another person and he can never sit in your park every again. I see your logic. It's airtight. Right. Right ten, he's all yours. 
Stegs: Hey! Hey! 
Vecchio: Freeze. 
Colling: I could have killed you. 
Fraser: Yes, I know. 
Vecchio: Good plan, Benny. 
Fraser: Well actually I was just kinda making it up as I went along Ray. 
Vecchio: Not you Fraser. 
Fraser: Yeah, really. 
Vecchio: Oh imagine that. 
[Collings table in the park] 
Juvie: How much time they give you? 
Colling: Six months community service. You? 
Juvie: Five months, suspended. Hey, I'm just a kid. 
Colling: Play. 
Juvie: Why are we sitting out here, it's freezing. 
Colling: Because I like it. Did you know there use to be a fountain over there? 
Juvie: Who cares? 
Colling: I do. You sit here long enough and maybe you'll care too. [points to chess game] Play. 
*** 
Gladys: I packed his sweater and I nice new tamashanter. He loves it so. 
Fraser: Well thank you Gladys. 
Gladys: And I'll see you on Saturday Corky. 
[poor Dief runs away with Fraser after him] 
Fraser: Well it's just for an hour. All right half an hour! All right, ten minutes and then we'll burn the tamoshanter. 

End of an Eye for an Eye
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Man Who Knew Too Little 

[27th precinct] 
Elaine: Got the extraction papers? 
Fraser: They should all be in order. 
Elaine: Your bosses must be in a big hurry to get him back to Canada. 
Fraser: What did he do? 
Elaine: He's wanted for perjury. Apparently he was a key witness in a murder trial and he changed his testimony on the stand. It resulted in a mistrial. 
Fraser: Is he here? 
Elaine: Huey and Louie are bringing him over from lockup. I hear he's quite the character. He got pulled over for running a red light. He tried to convince them he was taking a short cut in the Cross Canada Rally. If he'd kept his mouths shut they might never have called the INS 
Vecchio: Elaine, can you find out what the weather's like in Florida. 
Elaine: Do I look like a travel agent? 
Vecchio: Hey Benny you ever been to the sunshine state? 
Fraser: I can't say that I have, Ray. 
Vecchio: Yo! You guys want to move or you want to find out what fine Italian footwear tastes like? 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: It's just I hear that it's the rainy season and I don't want to get all the way down there and get stuck in some kind of monsoon or something. 
Fraser: Ray, I thought you'd used up all your vacation time. 
Vecchio: No-no-no, this is not a vacation. This is a plum just waiting to be picked. You see, the district sends one detective from each division to go down to Miami to listen to some lecture on advanced weaponry and I plan to be said detective. 
Fraser: So it's assigned on the basis of merit? 
Vecchio: No it's assigned on the bases of who can suck up to it the most without making it obvious. [Ray knocks on Welsh's door] Cappuicino, sir? 
[walking to the bullpen] 
Louis: What do you think of this shirt? 
Huey: What? That? I think you'll look pretty silly in it sitting behind your desk while I'm in Florida. 
Louis: Sorry pal. With this little baby here is my ticket to fun in the sun. 
Ian: It's strange you guys mentioned Florida because my family has a home in the keys so if you want to use it, just let me know. 
Huey: Shut up. [to Louis] What have you got? 
Louis: What have you got? 
Huey: Orchestra seats to La BoHeMe. 
Louis: Eh, I'll send you a postcard. 
Huey: We'll see about that. 
[Welsh office] 
Welsh: So you really thought you could get this job by sucking up to me Detective. 
Vecchio: Oh no sir. A man of your considerable intelligence would see right through that sir. 
Welsh: Decaf? 
Vecchio: Uh, no sir. 
Welsh: Ah thanks anyway. 
Vecchio: No problem sir. I just happened to be passing the expresso bar on the way to work sir. 
[bullpen] 
Ray [to Fraser]: Where can I find an expresso bar in a ten block radius? 
Fraser: Well, there's a small one-- 
Vecchio: Alright great. 
Huey: You got him real Cuban cigars? No way. How'd you get your hands on them? 
Louis: Let's just say one of the girls in the evidence room, she thinks I have sensitive eyes. 
Huey: Really. [they cuff Ian to the chair between two other prisoners then enter Welsh's office] 
Louis: A moment sir? 
Ian [to prisoner on his left]: I bet he's a goner. [giggles, then to prisoner on his right] Alright come on man, I didn't mean it literally. 
Prisoner on left [to prisoner on right]: What you looking at? 
Prisoner on right [to prisoner on left]: What's your problem? 
[Welsh's office] 
Huey: It's just that I had these two tickets to the opera and I thought I might be out of town tomorrow night. 
Welsh: That's very generous of you. 
Louis: Do you smoke cigars sir? You're going to think this is a very strange coincidence but uh... 
Welsh: Cubans, Gardino. 
Louis: He he he. 
Welsh: You boys wouldn't be in any way trying to influence on my decision as to which officer makes that Miami-- 
Louis: No! 
Huey: Absolutely not sir. 
Welsh: Because uh, I make it a rule to disqualify any officer who gives me an expensive present of any sort in the last month. I mean just to avoid any appearances of inpropriaty, you understand. 
Louis: I have reason to suspect that these are uh...domestic sir. 
Welsh: Really? 
Louis: Yeah, where it says Havana? If you closely the ink is smudged. 
Huey: Actually the tickets are for the twentieth row, sir. Matinee. On the other hand, the cigars look real to me. [chair flies through Welsh's window] 
[bull pen, Ian has two chairs and is heading for the exit] 
Ian: Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Watch your back, watch your back. Thank you. Working man, coming through. I got a deadline. 
Welsh: Detective Huey and Gardino. Were you last transporting a prisoner for extradition? 
Louis: Ah yes sir, he's uh...I hate to say this sir but I believe my partner didn't handcuff him properly. 
Huey: Me? It's your cuffs you ferrot-faced little -- 
Ray [bring in the missing Ian]: Hey! Hey! You guys misplace something? 
Welsh: Detective Vecchio, have you caused a riot here this morning? 
Vecchio: Not that I'm aware of sir. 
Welsh: Good. Gardino, give him your shirt. 
Vecchio: Woooo! I'm going to Miami! 
[Ray's desk] 
Vecchio: I have two days to drive down there, one day at the lecture and two days to drive back that's five days out of which three I've got to spend on the beach! 
Fraser: Ray, Miami's one thousand, three hundred and eighty seven miles from here. That's twenty six hours driving time each way. 
Vecchio: Okay, so at a hundred and twenty miles an hour that's...13 hours 
Fraser: [on phone] Uh, yes, I need to fly to Detroit today and I will be transporting a prisoner. 
Vecchio: Fraser, you do not need to tell everybody everything. 
Fraser: Five days notice. Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that. Alright. Well, thank you for your time. [hangs up. to Ray] Ray, do you think you can drop us at the train station on your way? 
[Ray smacks Ian's hand -- he was playing with the statue of liberty that Ray has on his desk] 
[train station] 
Ian: You know, you are wasting Canadian tax payers dollars. Okay? Cause you're going to get me there and they're gonna take one look at me and they're gonna say, 'You got the wrong guy.' and then they're going to let me go. 
Ray [to Ian]: Don't talk to him he's calculating. [to Fraser] Okay, so at ninty-five miles per hour, how long is that going to take? 
Fraser: I can't tell you that Ray, it would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists. 
Vecchio: Okay, So say ninety. 
Fraser: Good morning. Constable Benton Fraser RCMP. I called earlier to inquire about transporting a prisoner to Windsor, but your lines were busy. 
Clerk: You want to transport a prisoner? 
Ian: Wanted for train robbery, murder one and escape from maximum security prison. I won't be any trouble at all. 
Fraser: Well I can't very well gag him, Ray. 
Fraser: Fraser, this man is not your problem. He's an accused felon and a compulsive liar. 
Ian: I am an innocent victim of circumstance. 
Ray [to Ian]: Shut up! [to Fraser] Know what your problem is Fraser? You can't go around compulsively telling people the truth. They just don't want to hear it. 
Ian: You see there I'd have to disagree with you. 
Vecchio: Shut up! 
Ian: Hey, Bank of Illinois. My dad owns that you know. Well, part owner. He orchestrated the whole deal, to tell the truth I mean, the Rockefellers started it but then he bought it. But I'm telling you something, that has been one Hell of an investment cause in the mid sixties there was a little bit of trouble there. But I tell you right now with the EC going on he's really doing well. 
Vecchio: Shut up! 
[in front of car rental place] 
Fraser: Well, I explained the situation to him and he was extremely helpful 
Vecchio: Did he rent you a car? 
Fraser: No, but he doesn't have any. 
Vecchio: What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars on this lot. 
Fraser: Unfortunately they're all reserved. I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated. Also I thought it was in November. 
Ian: you know, my mother had an affair with Spiro Agnew but it was all hushed up which is why they won't let me in the Secret Service. 
[raining. outside of Ray's house] 
Vecchio: This is a nineteen seventy one mint condition Buick Riviera. 
Fraser: You know Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone to lend me a car. 
Vecchio: How many people have we asked? 
Fraser: Well, uh, basically everyone I know. It does seem rather curious that they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time. 
Fraser: It uses top octane fuel, 20 weight oil. 
Fraser: Ray, this is silly. How are you going to get to Florida. 
Vecchio: I'll fly. It'll be worth the six hundred bucks to get rid of you. 
Ian: Are you aware that the gas tank in this particular make of car explodes on impact? 
Vecchio: You want to ride in the trunk? 
Fraser: Ray, you know, I appreciate this offer, I really do but you have some kind of special bond with this vehicle. I'm not saying I understand it, but I do respect it. 
Vecchio: Shut up before I change my mind. Now, in the car and operation of this vehicle. There is one thing to remember and hold above all else, Never I repeat never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car, it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter. And since I've owned it? It's never been depressed. 
Fraser: Then how do you know it works? 
Vecchio: I know in my soul. Do not adjust the passenger seat, open up the glove box or use anything other than the preset radio buttons. 
Fraser: I'll take good care of your car, Ray. 
Ian: Don't worry about a thing. Really. 
Vecchio: One final piece of advice. The man sitting across from you is a felon. 
Ian: Accused! Accused! 
Vecchio: Do not trust him, do not talk to him, do not listen to him and most of all, do not think of him as a human being. Think of his as a parcel that needs to be delivered and you will be okay. Do you understand? 
Fraser: I'll do that Ray. 
Vecchio: Have a nice trip. 
Fraser: Thank you, Ray. 
Ian: Thanks. Bye bye. 
Fraser: Oh, uh, Ray? What's the best way to get to the I-90 from here? 
Ian: Oh don't worry, I know. I'll show you. [Ray has this look on his face. Eyes wide and 'I can't believe Fraser will listen to this guy'] 
Fraser: Thanks, Ray. Bye bye. 
[They leave, Ray walks up to his porch, and waits...they return] 
Fraser: Hi Ray. 
Vecchio: How far is it from Winsor to Miami? [loads his cases into the trunk] 
Fraser: Ray, this really isn't necessary. 
Vecchio: Just answer the question. 
Fraser: One thousand, three hundred and fourteen miles. 
Vecchio: Okay, we drop the guy off you take the bus back and I'm only four hours behind schedule. 
Fraser: Well not quite. Four hours and twenty minutes. Still have to pick up Diefenbaker. 
[near the Canadian border] 
Laurier: They left Chicago in the cops car. Green 1971 Buick Riviera. There's the plate number. 
Brock: They'll be taking the interstate. We should get to them before Battle Creek. [to Norman when he hands back the money] Thought I told you to pay him. 
Norman: I tried. He wouldn't take Canadian. [They drive off, you see the gas attendants legs hanging out of a door] What have we got left in the cooler. 
Laurier: The sandwiches are for later. 
Norman: Well can I have a pop? 
[on the road] 
Ian: My hands are cuffed behind me and I'm strapped to a seatbelt. What if we get into an accident? 
Vecchio: Shut up! 
Ian: I think we're lost. Are you sure know where we are? 
Vecchio: Yeah, halfway between freedom and incarceration. [to Fraser] You keep your eye on that map. I want a state by state count down until we get to Whinipeg. 
Fraser: Windsor. 
Vecchio: Yeah like there's a difference. Damn! I should have brought snow chains. Do we really got to cross the boarder? 
Fraser: Yes Ray. Although you know I imagine they'll have a dog sled at the bridge incase we should get stuck. [laughs, starting with an under the breath chuckle to himself] 
Vecchio: See? That's some kind of facetious Canadian humor. [Fraser is giggling] the kind of thing that must really knock em dead up around the bait house in New Foundland. 
Fraser: Sorry, Ray. [wipes tears from his eyes] 
Ian: [to Dief] Would you - back off! Get off me! [to Fraser] What is he? Deaf? 
Fraser: Yes. You know I think he feels sorry for you. He senses you're in some kind of trouble, he'd like to help. You see wolves have a very difficult time understanding incarceration. 
Ian [to Dief]: Undo my seat belt. Yeah! 
Fraser: But they do understand the law, don't they Diefenbaker? [whine] So, Ray, once you drop us off at Windsor, your trip to Miami should be fairly simple. You take highway 18 west toward Leamington then catch the fairy- 
Vecchio: Fairy! 
Vecchio: Is Florida on an island? 
Fraser: No. this is the shortest way across Lake Erie. You know you might want to call ahead for the shedual 
Vecchio: What's a shed-u-wa? 
Fraser: It's like a schedule. 
Ian: It's every hour on the half hour. 
Vecchio: I'll phone. 
Fraser: And then you get on the two fifty, travel nine hundred and nine kilometers- 
Vecchio: Kilometers? Look Fraser, when we cross the border you can start talking in Canadian. Until then, let's stick to English, okay? 
Fraser: You know Ray, actually it's quite simple. Converting kilometers to miles is simply multiplied by five-eighths so a hundred and nine kilometers is sixty eight and an eighth miles. Strictly speaking it's sixty seven point sixty nine miles, but still, the five eighths rule is very handy general guide. 
Ian: You know, I know the guy who invented kilometers. 
Fraser: And then from Milan, which parenthetically most people tend to mispronounce Mah-lan, you would stay on the 250 through Norwalk- 
Vecchio: I go south okay? That's all I need to know. I go south. 
Ian: I have to go to the bathroom. 
Vecchio: Well you can go in Canada. 
Fraser: Ray. 
Ian: Well I understand. You know my father use to hate to stop. I remember once driving through to a peace conference in Machupiccchu. 
Vecchio: Maybe, you know what McDonald? I don't think you ever had a father. 
Fraser: Were you driving from Ayacucho or from Cusco. 
Ian: Actually no. From Lima. 
Fraser: Ah. How fast are you going Ray? 
Vecchio: Not fast enough. 
Laurier: Could we go a little faster? Those kids in the bus were laughing at us. It's one of those little short buses. 
Brock: I think I'm already speeding. These stupid road signs. What's sixty times eight fifths? 
Norman and Laurier: Ninety six. [they pass the bus and Norman opens his coat and shows the kids his gun] 
[Ray, going too fast, almost rear ends a guy, swerves] 
Fraser: Sign [they almost hit it] 
Fraser: Ray, I think that was a state trooper traveling in the west bound lane. 
Vecchio: This is the U-S of A, Fraser, cops do not ticket other cops. Now just keep your eyes on the map. [to other drivers] Learn how to drive! Some people, huh? 
Fraser: Well perhaps they weren't expecting someone to come up behind them at roughly ninety three miles an hour Ray. 
Vecchio: Hey, isn't that what defensive driving is all about? Assuming the other guy is going to do something stupid? 
Ian: Oh! That did it. My kidneys are gone. We have to find a washroom. 
Vecchio: We don't have washrooms in America. We have restrooms. The minute I see a sign that says washroom, we'll pull over. [to Fraser] What are you doing? 
Vecchio: Well I-I thought I'd read that. 
Vecchio: That's the original manual! Do not open that! 
Fraser: You've never read this? 
Vecchio: No, I've never cracked it's spine. 
Ian: I cracked my spine once. 
Fraser: No ones listening to you and no one cares. 
Ian: Punctured my kidney, which is why I - 
Vecchio: Shut up! Which is why you need to shut up. We'll stop when we need gas. 
Ian: oh we'll stop before that. 
Vecchio: Wanna bet? [sirens] 
Ray [to cop who hands him a ticket]: Yeah, well you have a real nice day too. I'm starting to understand why people hate cops. 
Fraser: He's just doing his job, Ray. 
Ian: Is it too much to ask for a person to be allowed to relieve himself? 
Vecchio: Look, you and I both know you're stalling for time. If you really had to go you could have gone back there. I've already lost twenty minutes of pool time. We're not stopping. 
Ian: Is this the original upholstery? 
Cop: It's really quite simple to convert from miles to kilometers. You simply multiply by eight fifths. So the fifty-five mile limit obviously converts to eighty-eight kilometers per hour. 
Brock: I appreciate the warning officer. 
Cop: You folks have a nice trip. 
Brock: Thank you officer. 
Cop [to his partner in the car]: Nice folks Canadians. You hear such stories. 
[at bathroom gas station] 
Ian: It's not happening. There's too much pressure. 
Vecchio: Ya got ten seconds before I start pumping bullets through the door. 
Ian: This really isn't a condusive atmosphere for what I'm trying to accomplish here, okay? 
[Ian tries to go out the bathroom window, but finds Dief there and waiting so he crawls back in] 
Fraser [thru the door at Ian]: Perhaps if you tried running the water. 
Vecchio: Do you have helpful hints for everything? 
Ian: It's really not my fault. I've got a little bit 
[Dief barking and carrying on as Ian tries to escape out window] 
[Riv] 
Ian: You guys getting hungry? 
Vecchio: Forget it. 
Ian: Aw come on, I haven't eaten since the lockup. I know my rights. You have to feed me every six hours. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well it's only been five hours. 
Ian: Six. We past a time zone. 
Vecchio: That doesn't count. Fraser you tell him. 
Fraser: Well, actually Ray, the legal scholars seem to be fairly equally divided on this point. One argument extended to it's logical conclusion would provide if you were traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour then you would never actually have to feed a prisoner. That is of course until you cross the international date line at which point you'd have to force the prisoner to immediately consume four meals. Now the contrary position. 
[restaurant] 
Vecchio: Alright, you got ten minutes to eat unless there's a time zone between here and the counter. 
Ian: I don't believe this. I've been looking for this place for fifteen years. My dad and I use to come here all the time. That's our booth. That was our booth. Right there. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well from now on we'll call this our counter. Grab a stool. 
Ian: This is it officer. Right here. I don't know how it happened really. I mean uh one second he was just fine the next thing you know his throat just closed up on him. I got lucky cause I just managed to puke it up all over the table. Look-look-look. Look. There's still pieces on the chair. Right there. Sir, take off your pants, you're sitting in evidence there. 
Fraser: Um, he's not telling the truth, no. We-we have no need for your pants. Perhaps I should follow them. Tell them there's no danger. 
Vecchio: Well send em a post card. Come on let's sit down and eat. [at waitress] Hello. Hello. Yo! Miss! 
Ian: This place hasn't changed a bit. See my dad was a sales rep so three, four times a year we had to go to South Bend. 
Ray[at waitress]: Oh miss. Excuse me, miss. Yo! Yo! 
Ian: We'd get here at the crack of dawn, by the time lunch came around, I'd be starving. And you know he'd always want to stop somewhere else, but I'd say no I wanted to wait till we get here because it's like out place. 
Fraser: Curious. If you'd taken the interstate I would have thought you'd be here in about five hours. 
Vecchio: Fraser, the man is lying, it's just another story. You want to do something useful? Walk by and tackle the waitress the next time she passes. [at waitress] Hey! Can we order here? 
Ian: They make the best pancakes in the world here. They use to have this turn table right in the middle of the table with six different types of syrup. Air conditioning blasting the syrup was always warm. 
Fraser: Odd. The windows face north. 
Waitress: You boys ready to order? 
Vecchio: No, let's go straight to the check. What's the fastest thing on the menu? 
Ian: I'll have the blueberry pancakes. 
Waitress: No pancakes. 
Ian: Of course you have pancakes. 
Waitress: You see pancakes on the menu? 
Vecchio: Right. Hamburgers all around. 
Ian: Look, do you think you could ask him to make me some pancakes? I used to come here when I was a kid. 
Waitress: Then you'll know we've never served pancakes. You want everything on them? 
Vecchio: Yeah. 
Ian: I hate pickles. 
Vecchio: Pick em off. 
Laurier: I'm telling it was Alaska. 
Norman: It wasn't Alaska, it was Nebraska. 
Laurier: It was Alaska. It was yellow and shaped like a Polar Bear and said 'Alaska'. 
Norman: Alaska is gold and blue. The Northwest territories is shaped like 
Brock: If you two don't shut up, I'm going to pull the car over and shoot you both. 
Norman: I got em. 
Brock: This better be Illinois plates on a Buick Riviera. 
Norman: Yeah. At the restaurant 
Brock: That's good, Norman. Nice work. 
Vecchio: You better eat that burger cause we're not stopping again. 
Ian: I had a hiding space down here. I used to pull out the baseboard and leave stuff there. You know, toy solders and marbles. 
Vecchio: Are you telling that story for my benefit? Cause A: I don't believe and B: I don't care. 
Ian: They must have fixed it. 
Fraser: I don't think this is the place you're looking for Ian. 
Ian: Yeah. Who cares, you know. 
Fraser: You remember how you said the syrup was always warm in the afternoon? That would indicate westerly facing windows which means the highway had to run north and south. The most direct route to South Bend would have been highway 12. Slower road, which would have put you past Hillsdale by approximately one o'clock. Now if I recall from the map correctly, that highway dips south about 60 miles west of that community. So actually Ian, I think you're off by about forty-five miles. 
Ian: Do you believe everything that people tell you? Huh? How do you get through a day? 
Vecchio: Did I tell you he was yanking your chain? 
Fraser: My mistake. 
Brock: You look after the car. 
[Dief barking at Norman who is going to look after the car] 
[Laurier and Brock enter the diner shooting, heading straight for the fleeing Cop, Mountie and Felon] 
Fraser: Go get the car, Ray. 
[Fraser and Ian head for the back door and into the waiting Riv. None of them notices the tracking device] 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: Are they coming? 
Fraser: I don't see them. 
Ian: Did you see that? They tried to kill me. 
Vecchio: Yeah, the bullets tipped me off. 
Brock:You got em? 
Norman [who is buckling himself in]:Just a second. Yeah, got em. 
Fraser: There should be a state police post in Battle Creek. 
Vecchio: Forget it! 
Fraser: Ray, we have to report this. 
Vecchio: Look, Fraser, there must have been a dozen people back at that road house. I guarantee that somebody called it in. If we go in there, they're going to keep us there for hours making out reports. 
Fraser: Ray, they open fired inside a restaurant. We can't weigh that against a couple hours driving time. 
Vecchio: Okay, here's what happens. We go in there they call Welsh. I don't get to go to Florida and you don't get your prisoner to Canada. 
Fraser: Still I-- 
Ian: I think I see them. 
Vecchio: Look we can't just pull off and start driving in circles looking for help. I mean who long do you think it'll take em to catch up to us. 
Fraser: Well if we keep going in a straight line, we aren't exactly going to be difficult to finds. 
Ian: Oh they are behind that truck. 
[Ray does some fancy maneuvers and gets off an on ramp] 
Norman: I think they turned right. 
Brock: Where. 
Norman: Back there. 
Vecchio: You better eat that burger cause we're not stopping again. 
Ian: I had a hiding space down here. I used to pull out the baseboard and leave stuff there. You know, toy solders and marbles. 
Vecchio: Are you telling that story for my benefit? Cause A: I don't believe and B: I don't care. 
Ian: They must have fixed it. 
Fraser: I don't think this is the place you're looking for Ian. 
Ian: Yeah. Who cares, you know. 
Fraser: You remember when you said the syrup was always warm in the afternoon? That would indicate westerly facing windows which means the highway had to run north and south. The most direct route to South Bend would have been highway 12. Slower road, which would have put you past Hillsdale by approximately one o'clock. Now if I recall from the map correctly, that highway dips south about 60 miles west of that community. So actually Ian, I think you're off by about forty-five miles. 
Ian: Do you believe everything that people tell you? Huh? How do you get through a day? 
Vecchio: Did I tell you he was yanking your chain? 
Fraser: My mistake. 
Brock: You look after the car. 
[Dief barking at Norman who is going to look after the car] 
[Laurier and Brock enter the diner shooting, heading straight for the fleeing Cop, Mountie and Felon] 
Fraser: Go get the car Ray. 
[Who somehow gets out of the diner. Fraser and Ian go out the back door and into the waiting Riv. None of them notices the tracking device] 
[Riv] 
Vecchio: Are they coming? 
Fraser: I don't see them. 
Ian: Did you see that? They tried to kill me. 
Vecchio: Yeah, the bullets tipped me off. 
Brock: You got em? 
Norman: Just a second. [who puts on his seatbelt, then picks up the tracking device] Yeah, got em. 
Fraser: There should be a state police post in Battle Creek. 
Vecchio: Forget it! 
Fraser: Ray, we have to report this. 
Vecchio: Look, Fraser, there must have been a dozen people back at that road house. I guarantee that somebody called it in. If we go in there, they're going to keep us there for hours making out reports. 
Fraser: Ray, they open fired inside a restaurant. We can't weigh that against a couple hours driving time. 
Vecchio: Okay, here's what happens. We go in there they call Welsh. I don't get to go to Florida and you don't get your prisoner to Canada. 
Fraser: Still I-- 
Ian: I think I see them. 
Vecchio: Look we can't just pull off and start driving in circles looking for help. I mean who long do you think it'll take em to catch up to us. 
Fraser: Well if we keep going in a straight line, we aren't exactly going to be difficult to finds. 
Ian: Oh they are behind that truck. 
[Ray does some fancy maneuvers and gets off an on ramp] 
Norman: I think they turned right. 
Brock: Where. 
Norman: Back there. 
Vecchio: Alright, McDonald, you want to tell us who wants you dead excluding the immediate occupants of this car? 
Ian: You wouldn't believe me. 
Vecchio: That I believe. 
Ian: They're rogue Mounties. The RCMP doesn't want me to testify. 
Fraser: I don't think they can be Mounties, Ian. The man in the hat appears to be in his mid fifties so he would have had to join up when the height requirements were still in place and would have narrowly missed qualifying. 
Ian: His nick name is Stumps, he chased a guy through a lumber mill and lost 2 inches off his legs. 
Vecchio: Here. Don't slap him, shoot him. 
Ian: Alright. Fine. You want the truth? You hear about the Basque separatist movement? 
Vecchio: Next! 
Ian: Alright fine, here it is. Those guys are part of the Canadian mob. 
Vecchio: There's no such thing. 
Fraser: On the contrary, Ray, organized crime is a growing problem in Canada. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, what are we talking about here? Conspiracy to commit jay walking? Organized littering? 
Ian: The guy in the hat? Danny the Bull Brock. One of his guys picked him up an accountant. He took him into an alley and shot him eight times. 
Vecchio: So is that one time with eight bullets or eight separate times? Because in America, after the third trip down the same alley, we start to get a little suspicious. 
Ian: I happened to be looking out my window into the alley. 
Vecchio: Yeah, what? All eight times? 
Ian: Hey, I saw him do it. So the cops found out and made me testify. 
Vecchio: And on the stand you - wait, don't tell me - you lied? 
Ian: Look, these guys can get you anywhere, okay? I was protected around the clock and I still managed to find a note under my pillow. So I fingered somebody else except he happened to be in jail at the time of the murder. 
Vecchio: Yeah and that was very entertaining so what's your next story? We're being pursued by plain clothed toreadors? 
Fraser: Ray, this road isn't on the map. 
Vecchio: We're going East. That's all I need to know. Alright, here's a little trick they don't teach you in drivers ed. 
[Norman hits the tracking device] 
Brock: Where are they? Where are they? 
Norman: I don't know. 
Brock: What do you mean you don't know. 
[stuck in mud] 
Ian: I was a driving instructor once. 
Vecchio: Shut up! Alright, you two rock back and forth when I gun the engine. [starts rocking his body back and forth like that will help] 
Ian: No, no, no, you're just digging yourself in deeper. 
Fraser: I'm afraid he's right Ray. 
[Fraser, Ray and Dief get out] 
Vecchio: Well, it looks worse than it really is. My shoe! Mother Nature just ate my shoe! 
Fraser: You want me to get it for you Ray? 
Vecchio: No. What I want is for us to get out of this ditch, drop this psychopath off and drown my sorrows in coconut milk. This is what I want, okay? This is what I really want. 
[Fraser unpacks a flip flop for Ray] 
Vecchio: Okay, you two push it out and I'll rock it out of here. 
Ian: You're taking me to jail and you expect me to help you out? I don't think so. 
Vecchio: Just get back there and push. 
Fraser: Well we can't actually make him do that Ray. Forced labor is against the Geneva Convention. 
Vecchio: Yeah, well somebody got to push it somebody got to drive. Now I've only got one shoe. 
Ian: I'll drive. 
Vecchio: To hell with you. 
Ian: Suit yourself. 
Fraser: Ray. Ray. 
Vecchio: [sigh] Alright, alright, we'll push it out. 
Ian: You expect me to drive like that? [Ray has handcuffed himself to Ian] 
Vecchio: Yeah but not too far. Alright. On three. 
Laurier: [smacking the tracking device] It's broken. 
Brock: Probably double backed. 
[Ray comes up from the mud. His face dripping with the stuff] 
Vecchio: I said three! 
Ian: My foot cramped. Alright. 
[Fraser is putting small branches under the wheel] 
Fraser: Oh! Ray look I think I found...[finds Rays shoe. Looks at Ray's mud covered face, at the shoe and adds the shoe to the pile under the wheel without telling Ray] Alright, I think we should have enough traction here. 
Vecchio: Okay, let's try it again on one. ONE! Okay, stop the car tough guy. Stop the car! 
Ian: I can't! I can't! My legs cramped up! 
Vecchio: Stop the car you slime-sucking toad. 
Ian: You better undo these things. 
Vecchio: You can go to hell! Fraser! 
Ian: Ow-ow-ow! My leg. [Ian accelerates enough that Ray can't keep up. He unhoos the cuffs] 
Vecchio: Damn. 
Fraser: They know where we are. [sees the tracking device] 
Vecchio: What? 
Fraser: There's a tracking device on the car. We don't get to him fast. They're going to kill him. 
Vecchio: It's not going to happen Fraser, cause I've got first dibs. [starts looking around] I'm going to find my shoe. 
Fraser: I found your shoe. 
[Ian tosses the cuffs out the window] 
Laurier: I got em. They're heading north. 
[walking along the mud road] 
Vecchio: Do you know how many mint condition 71 Buick Riviera's are left on the road? Almost none. This man stole something from me that is almost irreplaceable. 
Fraser: Easily identifiable which means he can't use the freeways. He knows Brock is after him. He has to assume we'll have put out an APB. His only option is to find someplace to hide till dusk and then travel by night. 
Vecchio: Oh that narrows down the search to every barn, garage or haystack in the greater Michigan area. 
Fraser: Every barn has a farmer Ray and every garage has an owner. Without time and friends, it's not that easy to find someplace to hide. He's wanted on both sides of the border by both sides of the law. He's got no where to run. 
Vecchio: He dents it, I'll kill him. 
Fraser: My father said something that's always stuck with me Ray. 
Vecchio: You father never shut up, did he? 
Fraser: He said a man with no future will always run to his past. 
Vecchio: And when did this come up Fraser, were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things? Or did he come running into your room and just blurt them out? 
Fraser: Ray, there's no need to be sarcastic. 
Vecchio: No, I'm just curious. How did he work these things into everyday conversation. Did he say, 'son, did you see the size of that moose? And by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past? 
Fraser: Ray, I'm sorry about your shoe. I thought you didn't want it any more. 
Vecchio: You know what my father use to say? A man without a car is nothing. And I don't want to be nothing anymore Fraser. It's hard on my socks. 
Fraser: He went that way. 
Vecchio: Why? Does a man with no future always turn left? 
Fraser: No he's gone to find the pancake house. 
Vecchio: There is no pancake house. It's a lie, just like everything else that's come out of his mouth. 
Fraser: I don't think so Ray. People tell lies for a number of different reasons. Because they are ashamed, because they are insecure, sometimes because they are in trouble. But they always hope to gain something from their lie. Money, prestige, pity sometimes even freedom. His story about the pancake house, he stood nothing to gain by it. He told it because it's true. He let us see a little glimpse of who he really is then he got angry because we saw that. That pancake house exists. It's maybe the only place around here where he feels safe. I think he's gone to find it. 
Vecchio: I bet he used my lighter. [hitching while Fraser cleans his boots off] Alright. Here we go. 
Wanda: Need a lift? 
Vecchio: Oh yes, Thank you. 
Wanda: Not you. Which way you going? 
Fraser: Oh well we're traveling together, ma'am. 
Wanda: Ditch him. 
Vecchio: I'll go without him. 
Wanda: Too bad, if you ever get to Miami, just ask for Wanda. 
Vecchio: See that? Women always judge you by your shoes.[ remember the Mountie just wiped his boots clean and Ray is in one shoe and one flip flop] 
Fraser: Well, I don't think she was sincere in her invitation Ray, I mean, how could a young woman possible be known by her first name in such a large city? 
Vecchio: Fraser, you father taught you nothing, you know that? Okay. Enough is enough. I'm the law and I need a lift. [stands in the middle of the road with his badge held high and a truck barreling down on him. Dief is laying at the side of the road watching] 
Fraser: [Sigh] Uh, Ray, I don't think he can possibly read your badge from this distance. [the truck accelerates] 
Vecchio: Whoa!! [jumps to side of road, comes up with his gun pulled] 
Fraser: But I could be wrong. 
Vecchio: Well they can read this. 
Fraser: Ray, brandishing a weapon is not going to encourage motorists to come to our aid. 
Vecchio: Fraser, look at me, I have one shoe, I am covered in mud and I'm standing with a wolf and a guy dressed like who knows what? No one in their right mind is going to stop and give us a lift without the threat of deadly force. 
[Nice Canadian couple come to their aid] 
Brendan: You folks stranded eh? 
Vecchio: Canadian? 
Brendan: Go on eh? How'd you know? 
Fraser: Now we're officers of the law, sir and we're pursuing an escaped perjurer. We' very much appreciate a lift. 
Brendan: Well hop on in. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Vecchio: It's a sick country you have Fraser. 
[after Ray, Fraser and Dief get into the the car, Brendan pulls back onto the road. Brock almost runs into them, swerves around them] 
Brock: Damn Americans. They never signal. 
Laurier: They've turned. [they are tracking Ian in the Riv] 
Brock: Which way? 
Laurier: That way. 
Brock: I can't see when you point in the back seat. 
Laurier: Left. 
Brock: Here? 
Laurier: Yes, here. [Brock tries to turn but they end up in a ditch] 
Fraser: They're'll be a pancake house off of Highway 12 near Hillsdale. 
Brendan: Well we're headed for a mall right near there. 
Brenda: You have such wonderful malls in the states. 
Brendan: We mapped out the whole route on our home computer eh? Three states, six malls, one day. 
Brenda: Oh goodness would you look at that -- more stranded motorists with guns. 
Vecchio: Floor it buddy floor it! 
Brenda: America's just getting more violent all the time. 
Brendan: It's television eh? That's why I like our fine Canadian programming. 
[crooks trying to get car out of ditch] 
Norman: Jeeze. 
Cop: You guys need some help? 
[now at the abandoned pancake] You guys need a ride, we're coming right past here on the way back. 
Vecchio: Oh thanks, we'll be fine. 
Brenda: If you're ever in Sarnia drop by. 
Fraser: Thank you kindly. 
Ray[to the couple]: Thanks. [to Fraser] Fraser, If I'm ever in Sarnia shoot me with a big gun. There she is! [to the Riv while he ... well you get the idea] Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby, did he hurt you? Did he hurt you? 
[Fraser goes into the pancake house finds Ian sitting on the floor looking at 'kid' treasure] 
Ian: I didn't even see anything. 
Fraser: I'm sorry? 
Ian: In the alley. I was in my apartment. I just didn't look out my window. I didn't see anything. Didn't hear anything. 
Fraser: But you told the police you did. 
Ian: They came looking for witnesses. I was there when it happened so they said I must have seen something. I couldn't help myself. Look, look at this. I thought I'd stashed something valuable here. You know some money, some jewelry. Look at this junk. You know we would travel for hours to get here. He'd say maybe two words to me. Then we'd get here and he'd give me some money and tell me he'd be back. He left me here for hours. Sometimes overnight. You know the only reason he took me was so my mother wouldn't know he was cheating on her and she would always ask me what we did and where we went and he would tell me what to say. Now she had to be the most gullible person in the world. I mean I could have told her that we went to the moon and she would have believed me. Not too bright. She thought I was going to be somebody. I think she would be proud. What do you think? 
Fraser: Is that why you said you'd seen the murder? To be somebody? 
Ian: Look, I've just told you an amusing antidote. This is a very very sad story, my friend. Hoping maybe you'd feel sorry for me and let me go. You do have to appreciate the irony in the situation. I mean I tell a lie and say I saw Danny the Bull do it and I go free. I tell the truth that I saw absolutely nothing. And they're never going to believe me. I'll go to jail for perjury. That's the story of my life. 
Ray [crashing into the cafe with gun in hand]: Everybody down-down-down. [place is being blasted so he decides it's time to move out the back] Get up-get up-get up. 
Brock: Hey, Ian, come out here we want to talk to you. 
Vecchio: I think I got the windshield. 
Fraser: Every little bit helps Ray. 
Ian: We'll be dead but they'll have really poor visibility. 
Vecchio: Okay. I'll cover, you go out the backdoor and circle around. 
Ian: There is no backdoor. 
Vecchio: Yeah, like I'm suppose to believe that? 
Ian: You're right. I'm on their side. 
Vecchio: Okay, ideas? 
Fraser: The only access is the side and front windows and they have those covered. [bang, bang, bang goes Ray's gun] You know Ray, if you could lay down enough withering fire, I think I can make it to the car. 
Vecchio: I only got one bullet left. 
Fraser: That's all we're gonna need. 
Vecchio: You'll have to get them to line up straight. No-no. When I was flipping through the service manual of your car, I discovered that your gas tank is only eleven inches from your rear fender. 
Vecchio: You opened my manual? 
Fraser: Only for three seconds. Now one bullet can penetrate the tank and spark an explosion. 
Ian: I was right? 
Vecchio: Yeah and if you're lucky you can take that information to the grave. 
Fraser: What we need to do is get the other two close enough to be hit by the explosion. 
Vecchio: But there's two guys behind their car. Why can't I just shoot it? 
Fraser: Well I didn't read their manual, Ray. 
Ian: I can get them to the car. 
Vecchio: Oh yeah, like we can trust you. 
Ian: Look I was just offering to help. If you don't want me to, fine. 
Vecchio: Oh, feeling a little remorse are we? A little guilt for leaving us stranded out in the middle of no where to freeze to death? Well it's too late pal. God could see right through your feeble attempts at redemption when you think the end is near. Trust me, it won't do you any good. 
Ian: You speaking from personal experience? Look, I haven't done a whole hell of a lot in my life that benefited anybody but myself and for once, I was going to do something for somebody else. Forget I mentioned it. 
Vecchio: Oh very poignant. I got tears in my eyes. The only problem is we both know if we let you out you cut a deal to let you go you get us killed. 
Fraser: I don't think so, Ray. I think we can trust him. 
Ian: No, you can't. 
Fraser: Yes, we can. 
Vecchio: No other way? 
Fraser: No. Although you know it may be easier if I shot your car. 
Vecchio: No-no-no. I can do it. No funny business or I miss the car and aim for you. Capish? 
Ian: Mr. Brock! It's Ian. How you doing? Okay, here's the deal. I come out with the car keys and you let me disappear. I just go, I don't testify, they tell their bosses I escaped and everybody goes away happy. Think you can live with that? 
Brock: Let me think about it. Dump him in his tracks. Okay, Ian. 
Fraser: As soon as they get close enough, dive for cover. He'll shoot. 
Ian: Okay, of course if you'd rather shoot the car as soon as I get out the door. 
Vecchio: Get out the door. 
Fraser: He's getting closer. 
Fraser: He's almost there. 
Vecchio: My hand is shaking. 
Fraser: Uh, Ray. (Ian runs and falls to ground] Right now would be quite a good time. 
[bang and the Riv explodes sending the bad guys flying though the air] 
Fraser [to Ian]: You alright? 
Ian: Yeah, yeah, I used to be a stuntman for awhile. 
[back in Brendan's car, the three bad guys, Ray, Fraser and Ian] 
Fraser: Just stop at customs, I'll explain the situation. 
Brendan: Ya we do this all the time. 
Fraser: Just let me- 
Brendan: Nothing to declare. 
Fraser: Well - we - well as a matter of fact- [they are waved on through, the roof rack is loaded with goods and the car has eight people crammed in it. the customs guy looks at the two people in the next car] 
Customs guy: Get out of the car please. 
[at a diner Ray is on the phone to Welsh] 
Vecchio: Well they think there was a short in the electrical system. Uh, no, I'm fine sir. Well it may take sometime to find some of the parts, sir. [he looks at the lighter in his hand] Yeah. Thank you. [back at table to Fraser] He's sending Elaine to Miami. 
Fraser: I'm so sorry Ray. 
Norman: Would it be against the law to get us a cruller? 
Fraser: Trying to decide what you're going to do? 
Ian: Between lying and going to jail? It's a tough one. 
Fraser: It is actually. You can keep deceiving people so they think you are somebody or you can be somebody. 
Ian: Everybody needs to be somebody sometime. 
Fraser: There was a person your mother thought you could be. What do you think he'd do? 
Cop [just entered. slaps Fraser on back]: You have any trouble with him? 
Fraser: No. 
Cop [to Ian]: Okay, let's get on the road then. 
Ian: See you in a few years. 
Cop: What's the quickest way to get back on the highway? 
Ian: Oh, don't worry, I'll show you. Make a left. 
[Bad guys, Fraser and Ray lined up at side of road. Ray has his thumb out] 
Fraser: Ray, I think we should have turned him over to the Canadian authorities. 
Vecchio: Hey, if they want him they can dig him out of an American jail. Cone on! Stick out your thumbs. [crooks put out their thumbs] 
Fraser: You're sure all the rental cars were taken? 
Vecchio: Hey don't blame me, I never heard of your Maple syrup day. 
[cop car goes with Ian in it] 
Ian: I'm sure it's this way. Make a left. No. I got it. Straight ahead, straight ahead. 

End of The Man Who Knew Too Little
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Wild Bunch 

[Fraser's apartment. Dief is looking out window] 
Fraser: One's for dinner. Make sure he finishes them and no snacking in between. 
Willie: He won't eat it. He hates vitamins. 
Fraser: Well they're good for him. He's been looking a little peeked lately. 
Willie: He just wants to get out. Don't you boy. 
Fraser: Hm. Them again. 
Willie: They're not bad. 
Fraser: Oh, I'm not saying they are. [to Dief] But you think you could exercise better judgment when choosing friends don't you? [whine] Oh no. Don't start with me. Remember what happen last time. 
Willie: Oh come on! They're dogs, they're suppose to knock over trash cans. 
Fraser: Thirty-seven trash cans all in a row? 
Willie: So they got excited. 
Fraser: One was a Sanitation engineer and I didn't notice either of you offering to carry him to the hospital. 
Willie: He weighed three hundred pounds and besides, all he did was faint. Okay, I'll watch him this time. He'll never leave my sight. 
Fraser: He's already had one walk today so you feed him and when I get home from work, we'll all take a walk together. 
Willie: You gave me the job, why won't you trust me with it? 
Fraser: Well I do trust you, I do. It's just that [woof woof woof coming from outside] It's that he just seems out of sorts lately and I don't know what the problem is because he won't open up and talk to me but I think once he and I have had a little chat. 
Vecchio: Okay, I'm here. If you want a lift get in the car. 
Willie: I thought he blew it up. 
Fraser: He did. 
Vecchio: We're not talking about that, okay? We don't mention it, we don't discuss it. 
Willie: Sure. 
Vecchio: Fine. Let's go. 
Willie: What's he driving? 
Vecchio: Heard that! 
Fraser: Be right there Ray. [To Dief and Willie] Alright try and have a good day. 
Willie [to Dief]: Yeah, I know. How about a nice game of monopoly. No, huh? 
[in loaner car] 
Fraser: Nice glove box. Very spacious. Good seat covers. Motor pool? 
Vecchio: I thought we agreed not to talk about it. 
Fraser: Ah, of course. I'm sorry. The loss of a loved one is always a shock. 
Vecchio: Fraser. 
Fraser: Well, I'm sorry but-but I do understand. You'd be hard pressed to find a finer example of Detroit's automotive engineering than the 1971 Riviera. 
Vecchio: Enough! Okay? Enough, alright? You took the Riv, you drove it all over the countryside, you gave it to a convicted felon, you ran it into a ditch and you forced me to blow it up. You've done enough. 
Fraser: Lives were saved, Ray. 
Vecchio: And yours was spared. I loved that car. [car makes dying sounds. stops running] Not a word. 
[Dief still watching out window] 
Willie: Can't you tell them to shut up. Somebody's going to call the cops. They're your friends. Do something. You heard Fraser, You're grounded. [whine] forget it. [whine] Okay? You're a bad influence on me you know that? [whine] Okay, okay. [Willie opens the window, barking outside, Dief heads for his pack] Hey Diefenbaker! Diefenbaker, wait up! Hey! Hey! I've got milk bones. Anybody want milk bones? [Dief joins his friends] On no! I'm dead! 
[chases dogs. Dief heads for Maggie's house, collects her then off they go. Animal control truck is cruising, sees them and is following.] 
[pack of dogs crosses in front of Ray and Fraser] 
Vecchio: Dogs. 
Arnold Benedict: [catches Maggie]: Well, well just what the doctor orders. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. Nice and easy, come here. Come here. Yeah, that's good. Maggie is it? Well, not anymore. Come on. Come on. [puts Maggie in truck] 
Willie: Diefenbaker! No! 
Fraser: It's not a bad ride. I mean, we've been driving how far we been driving? 
Vecchio: Two blocks. 
Fraser: Ah. Oh brake! [Ray slams on the breaks and a wolf runs past] 
Vecchio: Idiot. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker? 
Vecchio: I know, I know, follow the wolf. 
Fraser: Oh Ray! [the whole pack goes by...a couple seconds later, the littlest dog goes by] 
Vecchio: Ah great. Is it safe now or should I wait for the cattle drive. 
Fraser: No go ahead. [Ray starts to pull out] 
Willie: Hey watch it birdbrain. [car dies] 
Fraser: You know Ray I'm just gonna 
Vecchio: Good idea. [they both jump out and start running after the parade] 
[animal control truck still driving around, sees Dief in front of his truck and looks like he won't stop. Willie runs over and stands with him] 
Willie: Dief! 
Vecchio: Get that kid. If I find you or the wolf, you're both dead! 
Willie [to Benedict]: Hey back off alright. 
Fraser: Excuse me sir, I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. May I help you? 
Arnold Benedict: Not unless you have a gun. 
Fraser: Well-well I'm afraid I'm not actually-- 
Arnold Benedict: And this animal is under arrest. 
Vecchio: Alright, I'm the cop here I'll say who's under arrest. [to Fraser] Who's under arrest? 
Arnold Benedict: This wild animal. He chased me for six blocks. He not only violated the leash law, he's also guilty on disturbing the peace and creating a public nuisance. 
Fraser: Officer uh, Benedict? 
Arnold Benedict: Yeah. Arnold Benedict. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker is my wolf. I'm afraid I'm entirely responsible for his unfortunate behavior. 
Willie: No you're not. I am. Look, I'm sorry. He just looked so sad cooped up inside that apart-- 
Fraser: We'll discuss your part in this later. In the meantime, I have his license right here if you'd be so kind as to write up a ticket-- 
Arnold Benedict: Hey, I don't care if you have a license. That animal is crazy, I told you, he tried to attack me. 
Vecchio: Alright. Look buddy, obviously there's been a misunderstanding here. So the wolf and his friends got a little frisky. Can't we settle this without going through all that nasty, time consuming paperwork? 
Arnold Benedict: No dice. [Dief growls, attacks Benedict] 
Arnold Benedict: He bit me! 
Fraser: That's enough! I'm terribly sorry officer, it's not at all like him. 
Arnold Benedict: Sorry isn't enough Constable. That is a dangerous animal. He's going into quarantine. 
Fraser: Quarantine? 
Arnold Benedict: You don't like it? Talk to a judge. 
[Pound] 
Officer Cuthbert:: Could be rabies. Or it could be he just had a bad day. We'll know soon enough. 
Fraser: Thank you officer. 
Officer Cuthbert:: Hey don't worry. We'll take good care of him. 
Fraser: Yes sir. [to Ray] It just isn't like him. What could he possibly be thinking? 
Fraser: I don't know Fraser, for some reason wolves rarely share their inner most thoughts with me. Now you're gonna have to go to court and even if he isn't sick you're still gonna have to prove that he isn't a chronic biter. 
Fraser: Diefenbaker is never bit a person in his life. I have all of his papers, his shots are up to date. He must have had a reason. 
Vecchio: He does have a reason. He's a wolf. 
Fraser: That's a popular misconception Ray. Wolves only attack human beings if they've been severely provoked. 
Willie: So, did you spring him? 
Fraser: No! I can't do that Willie. Diefenbaker's broken the law. We have to let justice take it's coarse. 
Willie: You gotta be kidding me. 
Fraser: Hm um. 
Willie : Come here. [leads the both onto the other side of door, points to Officer Cuthbert:] See the way I figure it, that guy in there is really soft so let's just slip him a few bucks. 
Vecchio: Good idea. 
Fraser: That would be bribery. 
Willie & Vecchio: Right! 
Fraser: Absolutely not. The only way we're going to help Diefenbaker is to insure that he receives a fair hearing. 
Vecchio: Oh come on Fraser, he bit the guy. You saw him, I saw him. The wolf's guilty. 
Fraser: But what happen before we got there. There could be extenuating circumstances, witnesses to those circumstances, we won't know this until we've completed out investigation. 
Vecchio: Our investigation! Look, I've got a full case load with crimes involving humans. I think that takes precedence. 
Fraser: You're right. You're too busy. 
Vecchio: Oh come on Fraser. 
Fraser: No. No I mean that Ray. You have more important things to do. We'll manage. 
Vecchio: The kid? You're gonna send a